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1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:03,937
DAVIS:
Oh, the irony.
2
00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:08,509
They put the contraceptives
right next to the baby food.
3
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,511
Dude, now that I'm
going to be a dad,
4
00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:13,114
I'm realizing how expensive
this baby stuff is.
5
00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:15,283
Good thing Billie's planning
on breast-feeding.
6
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:16,417
Hmm.
7
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:20,054
This tiny can of formula costs
more than a 12-ounce beer.
8
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:23,224
Imagine if beer
came out of boobs.
9
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:27,528
That would combine two
of my favorite things.
10
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:31,599
Hey, dude, last week when
we were at the restaurant
and you were working,
11
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:34,168
did you notice that
Billie's friend Olivia
12
00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:36,237
kind of disappeared as soon
as the check came out?
13
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:40,174
Well, I covered her share,
so she owes me eight bucks.
14
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,176
It's just eight bucks.
15
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,311
Just eight bucks?
16
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:44,812
Dude, eight bucks buys you
17
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:48,382
a joyless lunchtime lap dance
down by the airport.
18
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:56,457
You should see this list
of baby essentials.
19
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,226
When all is said and done,
20
00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:01,329
that single orgasm is
going to cost me $450,000.
21
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,563
You should write that down.
22
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,232
It'll go good
in a birthday card someday.
23
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,834
What the hell
is a wipe warmer,
24
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,469
and why does it
cost $30?
25
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:10,238
It keeps the baby wipes warm
26
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:13,841
so the little baby butts
don't get cold and pucker up.
27
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:16,210
All right, so then what's
a diaper genie?
28
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:18,646
It must be the bottom rung
of genies.
29
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,714
No, bro, that is a must-have.
30
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,316
It twists the diaper
31
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:25,153
into a never-ending sausage
of baby crap.
32
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,223
And just like that,
I've lost my appetite
33
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,559
to ever eat sausage again.
34
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,862
Maybe I should get
a second job.
35
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,765
I could always donate my sperm;
we know that works.
36
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,567
We'll be okay.
37
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,235
I have a great job
at the paper.
38
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:43,271
You should be focusing
on becoming a chef.
39
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:44,238
You know, when
I was your age...
40
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:45,673
Oh, you know,
I hate it when you
41
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,841
start sentences
that way.
(sighs)
42
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:50,244
So do I.
43
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,346
Anyway,
44
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,615
I was a go-getter.
I didn't take no for an answer.
45
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:55,749
I'd watch ten movies
every weekend
46
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,352
and mail my reviews to papers
all across the country.
47
00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,288
Why didn't you just
post them on the Internet?
48
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:03,457
'Cause I'm crazy old.
49
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:07,761
Finally, a brilliant editor
in Chickasaw, Oklahoma,
50
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,163
printed my review
of Braveheart,
51
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,130
or as that headline read,
52
00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,433
"Chickasaw, Oklahoma,
Gets Movie Theater."
53
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,203
But that put me on the map
54
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,171
and led me to becoming
a film critic
55
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:19,273
for the fifth-largest market
in the United States of America.
56
00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:23,777
Yeah, well, I'd ask my boss to
let me be sous chef for a night,
57
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,713
but he's a jackass in
the fifth-largest market
58
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:27,348
in the United States
of America.
59
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,816
Well, don't let that stop you.
60
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:30,351
You gotta go for it.
61
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,952
March on in there
with your best dish.
62
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,222
What was that cheesy rice
thing you made the other day?
63
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,257
Oh, it's one of the
restaurant's specials.
64
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,626
It was a three-mushroom risotto
with a saffron truffle oil
65
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,594
and a reduction of...
Cheesy rice thing.
66
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:41,895
The point is,
67
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:42,963
you'll impress your boss,
68
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,533
and then you can ask him
to be sous chef for a night.
69
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:46,734
What, like an audition?
70
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,503
You focus on what you love to
do, and the money will follow.
71
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,571
What do you think
72
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,807
the guy who invented the diaper
genie loved to do?
73
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,711
* I can't be anything
without you. *
74
00:02:57,745 --> 00:03:01,682
Captioning sponsored by
CBS TELEVISION
75
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:10,391
I had to stop at a gas station
on the way here to pee.
76
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:11,392
And that was not easy,
77
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:14,295
because the gas station
did not have a bathroom.
78
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,897
Did you get my texts?
79
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,366
Yes, all three of them.
80
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:19,567
"Emergency at work.
81
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,834
"Where the hell are you?
82
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,003
Bring your riding crop."
83
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,939
That last one
wasn't meant for you.
84
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:28,909
Look, I wanted
to tell you,
85
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:31,279
James is meeting with
a film blogger-- Max Silver.
86
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,913
What? Why?
87
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:36,850
As your friend, I think
this face is appropriate.
88
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:43,591
Hey, you want
an Italian soda?
89
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,259
The guys from
the Lifestyle section
90
00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:48,796
think they're hiding it from me
in here, but they're not.
91
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,498
I just heard something
92
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:53,801
hysterically,
impossibly impossible.
93
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:56,837
And I know that
there's no way it could be true.
94
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,506
Well, why don't you tell
me what you heard
95
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,308
and I'll stop you
when you're wrong.
96
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,743
I heard that
you're meeting with...
97
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,011
someone...
98
00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:07,681
another film critic...
99
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:12,353
Oh, my God, why are you
not stopping me?
100
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,588
Because I'm meeting
with another film critic.
101
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,524
Did I do something to annoy you?
102
00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:19,427
Since you broke up with me
on top of the Eiffel Tower
103
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:22,330
and got pregnant with
a 12-year-old's baby...
104
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,865
Nope, we're all good.
105
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,834
So that's what this is about.
106
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,402
It's personal.
107
00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:29,703
Hey, I need to line someone up
108
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,372
for when you're
on maternity leave.
109
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:33,073
It's a precaution.
110
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,708
Like a condom on your job.
111
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,877
But you wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?
112
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:43,884
Just so you know, I'm not going
out on maternity leave.
113
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,953
I worked all the way
through my pneumonia,
114
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,722
even during Y2K, and after
I dyed my hair red,
115
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,958
I showed up here,
and that took balls.
116
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,493
Billie...
117
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,628
I'm planning on delivering
the baby on a Friday,
118
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,063
having a lovely
48 hours of bonding
119
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,197
and then being back
at my desk
120
00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:01,435
on Monday, just like I was
in some kind of crazy contest.
121
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,404
That sounds like a great plan,
122
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,038
but I have to think
about my business.
123
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,440
Oh, and here he is.
124
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,809
Max!
Big James.
125
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,844
Billie, this is
Max Silver--
126
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:12,480
our substitute you.
127
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,914
He's personally guaranteed me
128
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,649
that he will not get pregnant
with another man's baby.
129
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:19,787
Hey, Billie, I read
your piece on Scorsese.
130
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,655
I loved Goodfellas
so much.
131
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,391
Who played the wife in that?
132
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,792
Oh, I know this.
133
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:25,959
Oh, what's her name...?
134
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,395
Lorraine Bracco.
135
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:28,496
Lorraine Bracco!
Lorraine Bracco!
136
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:32,833
He's a great kid.
137
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,067
You have nothing to worry about.
138
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,503
Your job is secure.
139
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,674
He says my job
is secure.
140
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,711
Yeah. He also said one day
he was going to marry you.
141
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,550
Hey, do you think
it's too late
142
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,419
to back out of
this sous chef thing?
143
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:52,553
I might freak
under pressure.
144
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,888
Here's the thing, bro...
145
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:56,857
Zack!
It's too late.
146
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,061
I got to tell you, Zack,
147
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,162
this is some pretty
good risotto.
148
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,932
Sometimes when Marco makes it,
it comes out watery.
149
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,634
I know. So I was thinking
maybe you could,
150
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:07,768
you know, give me a shot
151
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,403
at being a sous chef
for a night.
152
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:10,971
Show you what else
I don't make watery.
153
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:14,608
I'll tell you what--
how about Tuesday?
154
00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,944
RAOUL (yelling):
Oh, God...!
155
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,512
How about Monday?
156
00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:19,913
Yeah, perfect.
157
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,585
You should have seen
the weasel Max
158
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,186
with his Internet shirt
159
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,789
and his blog hair.
160
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,525
What happens
if I go on maternity leave
161
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:32,660
and James fires me?
162
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,528
He can't do that. It's illegal.
163
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:35,963
Oh, so you're a lawyer now.
164
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,631
Fascinating.
165
00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:40,534
What's your problem?
166
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:41,535
Nothing.
167
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:42,703
I have a baby to support.
168
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,638
I can't go back working
at the Chickasaw Sentinel.
169
00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,974
Billie, you're getting
way ahead of yourself.
170
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,075
How do you know that?
171
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,677
Do you have a crystal ball?
172
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,512
I doubt it.
173
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,481
Seriously, what
is your problem?
174
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:54,982
Nothing.
Stop it.
175
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:57,518
You guys. I could
lose my job.
176
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,820
And then how am I supposed
to get money?
177
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:03,023
I'll have to enter my baby
in those baby beauty contests.
178
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:06,126
And what if my baby's ugly?
She'll lose.
179
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:07,895
You're not going to be
on maternity leave
180
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,730
for another five months.
181
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,098
You're a great writer.
182
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,200
You've got
a loyal following, you're...
183
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,068
Oh, break's over.
184
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:18,872
I knew it.
185
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,841
I knew she would leave us
with the check.
186
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,777
That's why I was giving her
the business.
187
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,813
What are you talking about?
188
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,748
She never pays.
189
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,550
(laughing)
190
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,719
Oh, look, it's Don Johnson.
191
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,925
You're right. That totally
wasn't Don Johnson.
192
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,793
It's because she's...
193
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,162
(whispering):
Scottish.
194
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,197
Why are you whispering?
195
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,198
Because I'm...
196
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:46,634
(whispers):
prejudiced.
197
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,240
Max is on his way over here.
198
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,643
We're going to have a little
film critics meeting.
199
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:59,813
Oh, I remember a year ago
when "have a film critics
meeting" was code
200
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:01,949
for let's do it on your desk.
201
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,184
You remember those days--
202
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,687
when you liked me?
203
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,022
All right.
204
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,592
Check it out: I got
a copy coming tomorrow
205
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:13,226
of a little movie called
Ocean of Tears.
206
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,562
Have you heard of it?
207
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,564
I've heard the hell out of it.
208
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,131
Well, I got a source
to hook me up with a cut
209
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,601
so we could totally pwn
the other papers.
210
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,870
I'm talking pure pwn-edge.
211
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:24,938
Po... what?
212
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,707
It's an Internet term.
213
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,242
You know what, let me use
an old-timey phrase--
214
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,779
"So we can get the scoop
on 'em, Chief."
215
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:32,880
(laughing)
216
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:35,716
So I guess when you get
the DVD, just get it to me.
217
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,951
I'll write it up, and I'll
see you in five months.
218
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,120
Actually, you know, like,
I scored the DVD,
219
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,755
so I should probably
write it up.
220
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,724
Actually, it's actually
my column,
221
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,225
so I should actually do it.
222
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,628
Actually, you both have
a valid argument,
223
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:48,629
so how about this--
224
00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:50,664
you watch it together,
you both write a review,
225
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:52,232
and I'll print which one
I like best.
226
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:54,635
MAX:
Great.
Great.
227
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:55,703
Great.
228
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,070
I'm gonna go hit
a bucket of balls.
229
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,308
Listen, I like you,
230
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:03,744
but I'm not waiting
five months for my shot.
231
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,012
I need this job now.
232
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,314
Well, I don't like you.
233
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,750
Even more so now. More so than
anyone who has ever stood
234
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:11,619
where you are standing.
235
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,854
So it is on, Max.
236
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,690
Max Von Sydow starred
in Hannah and Her Sisters.
237
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:18,158
Won best screenplay
in 1986.
238
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,894
I don't need Google. I got it
all right up here.
239
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:23,731
Blam, blogger.
You just got pwnd.
240
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:31,238
James is making me compete
against Max for my own column.
241
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,707
I can't believe what a jerk
he's being.
242
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,308
No, this is normal.
243
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:36,576
This is what he's like
with everybody.
244
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:40,247
You just never noticed it before
because you were shagging him.
245
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:44,051
All in all, I prefer the other
way of getting screwed.
246
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,360
You can't be seriously worried
247
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,195
about losing your job
to that Max guy.
248
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,664
Yes, I can.
249
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,799
There's not a lot of film critic
jobs as it is,
250
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,734
and if I lose this one,
then what?
251
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:03,236
My only skill is watching movies
and writing what I think.
252
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,739
I mean, I could write my opinion
about other things,
253
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,841
but my Aunt Pam does that
all the time,
254
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:10,077
and nobody pays her and everyone
just thinks she's annoying.
255
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:10,978
Okay, calm down.
256
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,213
Sure, Max Silver is
clever and funny,
257
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,715
but that's not
what you're about.
258
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:19,152
Great at risotto,
bad at pep talks.
259
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:23,256
What if Silver writes
a better thing than me?
260
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,792
I mean, I just said "thing."
261
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:25,959
That's bad writing.
262
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,729
You are a great writer.
263
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:31,765
I've learned a lot of sexy
words in your column.
264
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,200
"Motif.
265
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,968
"Tour de force.
266
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:38,105
Gerard Depardieu."
267
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,741
I'm glad you had
a good day.
268
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,810
Because I listened to you.
269
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:45,746
My risotto should be
in the rice hall of fame.
270
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,383
Now all I have to do is not
screw Monday night up.
271
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:51,852
You won't.
272
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:54,187
You'll be fantastic.
273
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:58,391
And I'm not just saying that
because you have your shirt off.
274
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,694
And I'm vulnerable because I had
a bad time at work.
275
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,863
And your shoulder muscles ripple
276
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:03,931
every time you move
your toothbrush.
277
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,134
I should go to my room.
278
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,869
Oh!
279
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,872
It's a wall.
280
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,184
Hey!
281
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,819
Oh!
282
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:28,088
If you're looking for Billie,
she's in a screening.
283
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,422
I'm not looking
for Billie.
284
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,491
I'm here for
my eight bucks.
285
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,426
What are you talking about?
286
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,029
The other night, you
left before you paid,
287
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:37,765
I covered your share.
288
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,267
How much money did it
cost you to get here?
289
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,101
Four bucks.
290
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,937
How much will it cost you
to get back?
291
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:46,039
Four bucks.
There's your eight bucks.
We're even.
292
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,975
That just means
you owe me $16 bucks!
293
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:49,509
Security!
294
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,044
Crazy man behind me
shouting numbers.
295
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,445
I'm terrified.
296
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,747
This isn't over!
297
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:55,215
I'm coming for you,
Highlander!
298
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:58,351
(typing)
(movie soundtrack playing)
299
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,220
Max, I gotta pee.
300
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,088
Uh-huh.
301
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,924
Recognize that framing.
302
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:05,092
You saw that, right?
303
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:07,861
(singsongy):
Metaphor.
304
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,329
Come on, dude.
305
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:10,430
Shh...
306
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,431
I'm pregnant.
307
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,766
I'm peeing for two.
308
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,534
Whose fault is that?
309
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,505
Okay, I don't have time to
explain human sex to you, okay?
310
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:19,840
Just pause
the damn...
311
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,008
Sorry. It ruins
the continuity.
312
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:22,843
You can just finish
the rest later.
313
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,947
MAN (onscreen): This rain.
This endless rain.
314
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,816
It's making me cry.
What a release.
315
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:29,850
(gasps)
316
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,520
And thus ends
the first time
317
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,255
you've ever watched
a movie with a girl.
318
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,895
Hey, can I get that DVD?
319
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,831
'Cause I need to see
the last ten minutes.
320
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:46,266
Where did I put that thing?
321
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,001
Oh, right, the mailbox.
322
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,804
Whatever. I'll write it up,
323
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:51,738
you won't. Oh, well.
324
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,207
So, you're going to cheat
because you know
325
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,076
you're not as good as I am.
326
00:12:56,109 --> 00:13:00,814
Listen, I get 10,000 hits a day.
327
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:03,884
(wry chuckle)
You're about to get one more.
328
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,954
If you think
you can sabotage me,
329
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,889
then you don't know
Billie Chase.
330
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,827
(quietly):
I am so screwed!
331
00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:15,996
On the plus side,
332
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,898
I'm single and
having a baby.
333
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:21,401
That's how you do it.
334
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,470
I just Zacked it up a notch.
335
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,239
Just a little catchphrase thing
336
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,008
I've been playing around with.
337
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,511
Here you go, sir,
your meal.
338
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:33,246
I'm still waiting for the wine.
339
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,115
Ow!
340
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,853
This is delicious.
341
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:42,055
Really?
Yeah.
342
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,358
It's undercooked.
343
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:46,393
Damn it!
344
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,895
Mmm, the sauce is
really great.
345
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:51,264
Stop eating that.
You could die!
346
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,100
I can't even make one test meal.
347
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:56,303
You did. There's nothing wrong
with rare chicken.
348
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,140
We're screwed.
349
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,374
I'm gonna lose my job,
350
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,643
and you and me and the baby are
going to be living in a van
351
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,645
and we're going to have to be
warming up our baby wipes
352
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:06,880
on the frickin' tailpipe!
353
00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:08,215
You're gonna lose your job?!
354
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:09,983
No, no, no, no,
because you can't.
355
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,084
I'm gonna lose my job!
356
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:12,886
Yeah, that's raw.
357
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,422
What are you
talking about?
358
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,524
You told me I could do this,
but I'm not ready,
359
00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:19,192
and now I'm gonna blow
my only chance!
360
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:21,161
Stop it!
You're both acting
361
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:24,564
like a couple of drama queens!
So you lose your job.
362
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,935
So you blow up
the restaurant.
363
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:32,039
So I sleep in your bed
while you're at work.
364
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,942
The point is, Zack,
this is your M.O., man.
365
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:38,045
You always panic,
but then you succeed.
366
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:39,913
Yeah, like when you lost
your virginity.
367
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:45,919
Dude, you were born
to be a chef, okay?
368
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:48,155
When the stork brought you,
you grabbed that bird
369
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:51,024
and cooked it into
something delicious.
370
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,127
Pregnant lady,
I kind of space out
371
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,595
when you start talking...
372
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:59,967
...so I'm not entirely sure
what your problem is.
373
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,436
I need a DVD of a movie
that hasn't been released yet,
374
00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:05,338
or James is going to fire me.
375
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,941
(scoffs) I can get you
any DVD you want.
376
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:10,310
I can get you a DVD
of this conversation.
377
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:12,980
Yeah, take her to Jabba.
378
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,515
Jabba.
Jabba.
379
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:20,920
You get me that DVD, and you can
sleep in my bed with me in it.
380
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,256
(snapping fingers)
381
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:32,099
Ooh, can I have
a word with you
382
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,066
just for a second?
383
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,068
Make it quick.
384
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,504
I got a hot stone
massage at 7:00.
385
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,139
Well, first of all,
386
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:42,009
I would like to say
that you are very handsome,
387
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,711
because I know that you could
fire me at any second.
388
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,282
I have to say I think
it's a real shame
389
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:50,583
the way you're treating Billie.
390
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,419
And you wouldn't be torturing
her like this
391
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,520
if you didn't still care,
392
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,123
which I know
that you do.
393
00:15:56,156 --> 00:16:00,127
So, if you have got any sense,
and there's still a heart
394
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,161
in that cold
chest of yours,
395
00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:02,462
you'll dial it back
396
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:05,132
and stop behaving like
a bloody jackass!
397
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:10,137
Did you used to be a model?
398
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,744
This guy can get you
any screener you want.
399
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:19,346
Just don't look
him in the eye.
400
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:20,680
And his name tag
says "Eric,"
401
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,750
but you have to
call him Jabba.
402
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:27,120
And you must present him
with this egg sandwich.
403
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,222
Okay.
404
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,626
Excuse me, Mr. Hut?
Jabba?
405
00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,729
Um, I'm having a little trouble
at work...
406
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:39,166
Do you have something for me?
407
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:42,535
Hey! Psst!
Oh, a sandwich.
408
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:54,881
What's up, ladies?
Hello.
409
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,616
I hooked Billie up
with Mr. Hut.
410
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:59,086
She'll be here as soon
as she's done a review.
411
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:02,222
Hey, these pomegranate
martinis are
412
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:03,756
filled
with antioxidants.
413
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,227
And they're expensive.
Yes.
414
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,296
(whispers):
She's gonna pay for everything
tonight.
415
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,763
Doe she owe you
money, too?
416
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,099
We'll take another round.
417
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:15,268
I'm running up
a big bill,
418
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:18,105
and then sticking Olivia
with the check.
419
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,073
Hey.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
How's it going?
420
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,774
Good, I'm kind of sweating
in all the food,
421
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,243
but I think I'm pulling it off.
422
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,445
See? Cooking for two people,
cooking for 50,
423
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,446
it's not that different.
424
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,648
There's 50 people here?
425
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:30,817
Don't worry. People love you.
426
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,219
Thanks.
They'll love
your sweat.
427
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:33,353
How'd it go for you?
428
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,156
I wrote the most beautiful
poetic review of my life.
429
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,725
And if you look vertically
down the left side column,
430
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:41,594
the letters spell out
"Suck it, Max Silver."
431
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:43,763
Of course,
James may still hate it,
432
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,166
but if he does, you can kick
his ass for me, right?
433
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,501
I'd be happy to
if I survive tonight.
434
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,240
How did you do?
435
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,142
I knocked it out of the park.
436
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,176
Oh, perfect.
437
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,444
You know how you
should celebrate?
438
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:59,379
Order something expensive.
439
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,613
Yes.
440
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,253
What the hell is that
dirtbag doing here?
441
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:09,522
Hey, Billie, um,
Olivia told me
442
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,758
where you were.
443
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,193
I have to tell you something,
444
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,262
and I really didn't want
to do it over the phone.
445
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:19,266
Oh, my God, you hated
my review. I'm fired.
446
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,267
No!
447
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:25,272
Look, I may have
brought this Max kid on
448
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,507
a little early,
possibly out of spite.
449
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,309
Check that;
definitely out of spite.
450
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,712
He's really annoying,
isn't he?
451
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:37,717
Yeah, I'd like to pin him down
and shave that little blog-fro.
452
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:40,320
Your job is safe.
453
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:43,190
Billie, that review
was fantastic.
454
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,657
You're a terrific writer.
455
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:45,792
You always have been.
456
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,227
Really?
457
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,261
Yeah.
458
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:49,262
Oh, my God,
459
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,331
you can't imagine how good
460
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,565
that makes me feel.
461
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,201
I don't know
if it's just
462
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,603
(sobbing):
the hormones affecting to me,
463
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:57,770
but I'm really happy.
464
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:01,774
Now I can get that
crap sausage machine!
465
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,677
(sobbing)
466
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:06,679
Oh, that's it.
467
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,345
Sorry, dude.
I did not not know
468
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:42,215
she was crying
tears of joy.
469
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,416
That was my bad.
470
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,851
No, no, it's okay,
471
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,553
'cause I've been looking
for an opportunity
472
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,688
to punch you for a long time,
so thanks.
473
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:51,391
You're welcome.
474
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:55,795
You've got a really
hard face, dude.
475
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:58,265
I work out.
476
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,700
Okay, one for the ex,
477
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:04,271
one for the baby daddy.
478
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,239
I've never had
two guys fight over me
479
00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:08,275
when I wasn't sleeping
with either one of them.
480
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,942
Thanks for coming
tonight, Billie.
481
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,411
It really meant
a lot to me.
482
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,280
I wouldn't have missed it
for the world.
483
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,781
You know what
I was thinking?
484
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,317
We are not naming
our baby "Max."
485
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:20,420
Or "Maxine."
486
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:23,423
What was that name you said
the other day?
487
00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:24,391
Isabella.
488
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:25,725
Yeah, I really like that.
489
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:29,462
This is really awkward
for me.
490
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,336
I have to cover a story
at City Hall.
491
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:37,304
No!
ABBY: No.
492
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,572
You know what? I'm...
493
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:42,809
I'm actually really offended
by this,
494
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:45,312
because I have paid
for a lot of things
495
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,046
that you're
not even acknowledging.
496
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,015
And I think it's all because
you two both
497
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:52,352
got some sort of prejudice
against Scottish people.
498
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:53,586
Well, there we are.
499
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:59,359
If this will lay the horrible
stereotypes to rest... fine.
500
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:00,960
Happy?!
501
00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:12,439
Now I feel really bad.
502
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,573
You shouldn't.
503
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,775
That's my purse.
504
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:19,912
Captioned by
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access.wgbh.org
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