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1
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Previously
on Accidentally on Purpose...
2
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,305
I'm thinking of going home
3
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,475
with a guy who may be
significantly younger than me,
4
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,442
and I just need to know
5
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:11,479
if the situation is
empowering or desperate?
6
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:12,613
Is he over 18?
Yeah.
7
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:14,615
Empowering.
8
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,484
I'm just not a one-night
stand kind of person.
9
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,586
I just never do
things like this.
10
00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,654
Oh.
11
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:21,689
So this is the spot
where we...?
12
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,357
Yep.
Okay.
13
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:24,792
Your first pregnancy test.
14
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,727
That's adorable.
15
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,297
Yay!
No!
16
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:33,434
My God, a nursery.
17
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:34,535
Shane did the bears.
18
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:37,771
He's better at skulls,
but we went with the bears.
19
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:41,142
I really like what you
bring to my apartment.
20
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,377
You want me to stay?
Yeah.
21
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:44,578
I miss you.
22
00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:46,614
You should miss me.
23
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:49,150
I'm fantastic.
24
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:50,818
Remember our whole
boundaries conversation?
25
00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:52,653
Yeah, but when you said
"Don't touch my stuff,"
26
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:55,389
I thought you meant like
your soy milk and your computer.
27
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,858
No, I meant
don't touch my stuff.
28
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,793
Baby?
Yeah, she's having
my baby.
29
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:01,529
Cool, huh?
30
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,698
What?
I've got to update
my Facebook status.
31
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,768
DAVIS:
Oh, yeah.
32
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,538
I assumed video figure skating
would be physically hard.
33
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:14,542
I had no idea it would be
this emotionally demanding.
34
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,444
Dude, why are you playing
as a girl?
35
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:19,347
Because when I spin around,
my skirt comes up.
36
00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:22,082
I'd like to see that.
37
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:27,688
You got a tight
little cartoon butt.
38
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,323
You know, at first
I wasn't really down
39
00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,458
with you moving in
with Pregnant Lady.
40
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:33,527
I mean, this setup is
so much better than my place.
41
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:36,297
No roaches, no mold...
42
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:37,698
(doorbell rings)
43
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:40,801
It's a box.
44
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,436
Billie! Box!
45
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,804
Oh, did you see that?!
46
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,773
Did you see me stick
that landing?
47
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,608
Yeah.
48
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,510
You look good
as a small Asian woman.
49
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,845
I think it's from your office.
50
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:53,547
Huh.
51
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:57,585
Oh, it's from James,
my ex-boyfriend.
52
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,520
He sent my stuff back.
53
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:01,655
All the little reminders
54
00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:03,757
that I purposefully left
at his house
55
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:07,295
have now been returned to me.
56
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:09,697
Well, that's kind of
a kick in the nuts.
57
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:14,435
That is the move
of a true breakup master.
58
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,669
No CDs hitting
you in the head,
59
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:19,840
no chicks doing
little chick punching.
60
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,476
Yep, this is definitely
how I'm gonna break up
61
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:25,313
with my first girlfriend.
62
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:26,747
Dude, enough.
63
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,217
All I'm saying is, if she was
remotely good in bed,
64
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,651
he would have delivered
the box himself
65
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,321
so he could hit that
one more ti-- Ow!
66
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:35,589
What the heck
was that?
67
00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:38,392
My chick punch.
68
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:41,829
* I can't be anything
without you. *
69
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,864
Captioning sponsored by
CBS TELEVISION
70
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,708
He mailed
you the box?
71
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:58,279
Oh, that is the work
of a breakup master.
72
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,914
So I've heard.
73
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,783
Why did I date
the breakup master?
74
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:05,319
Why can't I meet
the relationship master?
75
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:07,455
Oh, n-n-n-no.
76
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:10,258
So did you open the box?
77
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,459
No, it's too painful.
78
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,361
The only way I'd be
able to do that is
79
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,995
if I got plastered first,
but I can't do that
80
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,431
because, apparently,
that's bad for the baby.
81
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,401
Mama loves you.
82
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,872
James.
83
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,974
Uh, yes, Bob,
84
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:29,277
uh, I understand
your point of view.
85
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,678
(clears throat)
86
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,783
There's nothing
in your ear.
87
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:39,553
I, uh, had a chip
installed.
88
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,690
I got your lovely box.
89
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:43,991
So we're good?
Great.
90
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,297
I'm just glad that douche is
out of her life, with his car
91
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,731
and his man-
tan and his...
92
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,801
package delivery service.
93
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:56,470
Zack, you are right down
the hall from her
94
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:59,707
and you're a good guy
and she's having your baby
95
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,810
and bang-- just like that,
he's married.
96
00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:03,944
(both laughing)
97
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,747
Come on,
that-that is insane.
98
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,782
No, it's not.
Know why?
99
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,451
'Cause it happened
to my cousin Earl.
100
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,354
Oh, I heard that dude was a
* playa.
101
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:15,856
Was.
102
00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:17,725
You want to know
what he plays with now?
103
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,560
His kids.
104
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,695
Guys, guys,
don't stress him out.
105
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:24,865
She's not going
to try to marry him.
106
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,634
She's just going
to mold him
107
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,769
into a boring, funless drone
108
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:29,703
whose sole
purpose in life
109
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:33,641
is to accompany her
to the fabric store.
110
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:34,642
I mean,
Shark Week?
111
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,444
That's canceled.
112
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:37,478
Peeing in the sink?
113
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:38,779
Finished.
114
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,348
I mean...
115
00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:43,651
she's going to have your balls
in a bear trap.
116
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,020
But other than that,
you are all good.
117
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:52,560
Wonder if James is already
dating someone else.
118
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:54,061
Maybe she needs
the drawer.
119
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,896
She probably has
a lot of stuff.
120
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,999
You guys are great.
121
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,403
It's going
to be okay.
122
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:03,404
You know what?
123
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,506
You're right, because
in all romantic comedies,
124
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,808
the heroine starts out
in a very bad place,
125
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,378
like in Ghost, Demi Moore's--
her fiancé was killed,
126
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,880
or in 50 First Dates, Drew
Barrymore had a head injury.
127
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,916
In Pretty Woman Julia Roberts
was a frickin' hooker.
128
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,818
The worse it is
at the beginning,
129
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,052
the happier the ending.
130
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:22,490
The gentleman over there
sent you a drink.
131
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:23,824
Oh, my God.
132
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:25,359
Chills.
133
00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:27,027
I had a terrible day,
I got the box,
134
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,530
but now I'm moving ahead
and a guy sent me a drink--
135
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,632
which I can't have, but still...
136
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,404
Holy yes, Batman.
137
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:40,007
I'm going to unbutton
this button
138
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,875
and go over and thank him.
139
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:44,044
What? No, put
those away.
140
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,415
(anxiously):
What if he asks you out?
141
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:48,816
You're saying
it wrong.
142
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:51,051
(chipper):
What if he asks you out?
143
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,120
It's settled.
144
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,888
I'm going in.
145
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:57,057
(Olivia chuckles)
146
00:05:58,492 --> 00:05:59,860
(no audio)
147
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,997
OLIVIA:
Oh, look at her go.
148
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,699
She's giving
him her number.
149
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:09,069
Hair toss,
hair toss,
150
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,871
and walk away...
151
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:11,872
and...
152
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:12,873
He asked me out.
153
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,908
(Olivia chuckles)
154
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,880
Abby, get that snarl
off your face
155
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,683
and laugh like I just said
something funny.
156
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:27,621
Are you at least going to
tell him you're pregnant?
157
00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:28,889
(laughing)
158
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,625
At some point.
159
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,994
But if you don't shut up,
I'm going to strangle you.
160
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:35,028
(all laughing)
161
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:38,699
I would really like to see that.
162
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:41,001
What about Zack?
163
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,536
Are you at least
going to tell him
164
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:43,904
you're going to start dating?
165
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,474
Of course.
166
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,777
Now I am.
167
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,880
Do it with
your top off.
168
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,552
I've delivered a lot
of bad news that way.
169
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,988
I have got some bad news.
170
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:04,525
I, uh, slept
with your best friend.
171
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:10,097
Phil, your iPod
fell down the toilet.
172
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:14,101
They closed the Chili's
next to the office.
173
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,703
(door closes)
174
00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:17,738
BILLIE:
Zack, do you have a minute?
175
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,811
There comes a time
in every pregnant woman's life
176
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:27,481
when she has
to ask herself...
177
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:32,152
...would Zack be uncomfortable
if I started dating people?
178
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:35,523
Wow-- no.
179
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:38,091
I did not see
that coming.
180
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,727
(laughs)
181
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,994
So you're okay
with it?
182
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:42,996
Yeah! Look at you,
bouncing back from the box,
183
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:45,833
and in a way I
did not expect.
184
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,168
Well, look at you,
dealing with this
185
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:51,138
in a way I did not expect.
186
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:54,875
'Cause this is working
like a well-oiled machine.
187
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:58,011
A baby-making-- but in a
platonic relationship--
188
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,047
well-oiled machine.
189
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,588
So I've never dated
a lawyer before.
190
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,123
You going to put
me on the stand?
191
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,092
I'll put you wherever you want.
192
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:17,531
Okay.
193
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,633
I'm really glad
I sent that drink over.
194
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,068
I'm having
a great time.
195
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,103
Me, too.
196
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:26,006
So, John...
197
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,611
What if you were watching
a movie...
198
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:33,013
Mm-hmm.
...about an incredibly
handsome lawyer
199
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:36,083
out on a date with a witty,
effervescent movie critic...
200
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:40,020
Mm-hmm.
...and all of a sudden she says,
"I'm pregnant"?
201
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,190
You'd watch that, right?
202
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,628
Are you pregnant?
203
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:50,063
A teeny, tiny bit.
204
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,534
Were you pregnant
when we met?
205
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,871
Not as much.
206
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:04,177
So he reacted very badly
to the fact that I was pregnant.
207
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,345
How badly?
208
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,980
Well, he was
so anxious to leave,
209
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,982
he walked into a glass door.
210
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,886
Which was funny, but...
211
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:22,663
Zack is with a girl on my couch,
and, apparently,
212
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:25,733
she's telling him bad news
because her top is off.
213
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,841
(knocking)
214
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:36,844
Hello...
215
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:37,845
Hey.
216
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,747
Hey, I'm Heather.
217
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:42,015
I'm the hostess
over at Zack's restaurant.
218
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,183
I sat you the other night.
219
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,218
Um, table 32.
220
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,954
Yes, yes.
221
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,856
I didn't recognize you
without your name tag,
222
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,291
which is normally on your top.
223
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,794
Zack, can I see you
in the kitchen
224
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:56,229
about some important
kitchen topics?
225
00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:01,001
(clears throat)
226
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,002
What's up?
227
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,236
W-W-What are you doing?
228
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:06,206
I'm on a date.
Dates happen
outside the home.
229
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:08,608
When you have money.
230
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:12,112
Are you sure you're
okay with this?
231
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:14,848
Because you're not acting like
half of a well-oiled machine.
232
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:15,983
I am.
233
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:18,351
What do you want me to do--
help you get her pants off?
234
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:21,154
Is that a real question?
235
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,289
No.
236
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,226
Okay, okay, look,
237
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:28,095
we'll, we'll just stay
out of the living room.
238
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,096
All right?
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
239
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,430
I just need to know
something.
240
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,232
Does it bother
this girl at all
241
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,134
that I'm about
to have your baby?
242
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,738
No, that's what's
so great about this.
243
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,908
She thinks it's cool
I'm sticking around,
244
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:42,943
so thanks to you,
I'm like a hero.
245
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:47,280
Glad I could help.
246
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,784
So... how'd
it go with the
247
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,820
Ho-Ho-Hostess Cupcake?
248
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,022
Did you get
to the creamy center?
249
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,190
Very subtle, dude.
250
00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:58,726
Thank you.
251
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,794
Well, I took her
back to my room and then--
252
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:03,196
You know how it's going
to be the nursery
253
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,198
with the bears on the wall?
254
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:43,771
So you're saying the bears
talked you out of it?
255
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,939
Okay, first of all,
I didn't say they talked.
256
00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:48,241
And it was just that one bear.
257
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,210
The other one was kind of cool.
258
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:51,478
Weren't you listening?
259
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:55,115
Did you eat one of those special
brownies I left in the freezer?
260
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,250
They're not in the freezer.
261
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,186
You're making them right now.
262
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:06,359
Excuse me, time
and space police.
263
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,197
I don't know, man. Everything
in the nursery reminds me
264
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,265
I'm going to be a dad,
and what can I say?
265
00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:14,134
I just didn't want
to do it in there.
266
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,535
So take her to your van.
267
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,906
I love having sex in your van.
268
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:24,244
Okay, how's this
for my online dating profile?
269
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:27,414
"Slightly pregnant woman
seeks mate."
270
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:31,384
For the record, I object
to this whole thing, and...
271
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,552
Hey, how about this one?
272
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,987
Okay.
273
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,388
"Single mother-to-be
likes to dance?"
274
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,223
Hey.
275
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,258
And I think any guy
who would want
276
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:41,328
to go out with a pregnant woman
is going to be weird.
277
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:43,530
And you should listen to me,
because I'm your sister.
278
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:47,400
And I'm the only one here in a
mature, committed relationship.
279
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:50,370
However, I will say
that headline is adorable.
280
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,840
Yay, and done.
And send it.
281
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:55,142
BILLIE:
Hey, do you have a knife?
282
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,443
ZACK:
Yeah.
283
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:57,911
'Cause apparently,
284
00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,280
not only is this box hard
to open emotionally.
285
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,482
It's also hard
to open physically.
286
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,551
Wow, that's a lot of knives.
287
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:05,919
They're my chef's knives.
288
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:08,388
Hmm. What you doing?
289
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,457
Looks like
you're covering the bears.
290
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,926
Yeah. You know
those adult hotels
291
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,328
that have those different rooms
to have sex in?
292
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,430
Like the jungle room
and the heart-shaped room
293
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,532
and the mirrored room?
294
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:22,435
Mm-hmm.
Well, none of them
have the nursery room.
295
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,337
Well, at least
you got some action.
296
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,941
All I got was a handshake
and a, "Good luck with that."
297
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,377
Man, it's hard to date
when you're having a baby.
298
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:33,881
Yeah, it sucks.
299
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:36,917
This is a weird conversation,
huh?
300
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,019
Well, it's the first time
I've had it.
301
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,921
Ah, yes, got it.
302
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:42,122
Here's your knife.
303
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,590
It's a little gluey.
304
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,625
Yay.
(laughs)
305
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,594
(sighs)
306
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,162
Oh.
307
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,197
Want me to leave?
308
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,865
No, please don't.
309
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,101
This box contains the memories
310
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:56,937
of the most meaningful
relationship I've ever had.
311
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,338
Yeah, well, just
for the record,
312
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:01,274
that guy's a
giant douche.
313
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,043
And...
314
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,344
go.
315
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,949
And... open the box.
316
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,220
See? That wasn't so bad.
317
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:14,254
Ah.
318
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,555
No, you're right.
319
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:18,491
Couple of earrings,
half a deodorant.
320
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,094
Condoms?
321
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:23,330
Oh, my minty floss.
322
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,069
Holy crap.
323
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,370
Sweet.
324
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,272
These aren't mine.
325
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,241
Douche.
326
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,611
Good morning.
327
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,050
Up or down?
328
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,252
I'm going down.
329
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:48,521
So, when I got
that box...
330
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,523
Here we go.
331
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,926
I was scared to
open it, you know?
332
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,095
Because I thought it
was gonna bring up all
333
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:57,097
of these emotions
and regrets,
334
00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,100
like, maybe I made a huge
mistake breaking up with you,
335
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,202
but then, surprise!
336
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,504
Another woman's
underwear!
337
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,506
Billie...
I just want to know.
338
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,175
Did our relationship
mean anything to you?
339
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,277
Because if it did,
you wouldn't have put
340
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,544
another woman's
underwear in my box.
341
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,019
Can I get a word
in here?
342
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,187
Sure.
Okay, first...
343
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,288
No, I changed my mind.
344
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:22,689
It doesn't matter.
345
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,591
'Cause you know what
I should be doing?
346
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,126
Thanking you.
347
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,161
Thank you for saving
me from a lifetime
348
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:31,264
of finding other people's
underwear in my boxes.
349
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:34,334
And for your information,
I'm going on a date tonight.
350
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,635
With a man.
Another man.
351
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,304
(elevator doors open)
A great man.
352
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,339
(sighs)
353
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,175
They're yours.
354
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,245
We bought them
that day in Paris.
355
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,180
Mmm. Okay.
356
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:49,382
How about... these?
357
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:53,053
Whatever.
358
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,255
(with French accent):
I am-- how do you say--
359
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,457
tipsy?
360
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,594
So, how are you?
361
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,397
Still all handsome
and stuff?
362
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,236
What do you think of me?
363
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,005
I mean, it didn't work out
between us,
364
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:13,373
but I would never
intentionally hurt you.
365
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:14,541
You broke up with me.
366
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:18,211
I guess...
367
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,413
getting that stuff back
just hit me harder
368
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,215
than I realized.
369
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:26,253
Hey, you want your underwear?
370
00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:28,288
Sure.
371
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,492
So, awkward
high-five?
372
00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:38,798
I hope this date turns out
to be all you're looking for.
373
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,034
I have a good
feeling about it.
374
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:45,272
BILLIE:
So, about my Internet date.
375
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,306
Um, he's married.
376
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,142
And on top of that,
his wife's pregnant, too,
377
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,777
and we have the same doctor,
378
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,046
and I asked him to leave.
379
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,583
Uh, just plop 'em
both down here.
380
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,318
And bring some
ketchup, too.
381
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,287
I don't want to say,
"I told you so,"
382
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,754
but I told you,
so, good-bye.
383
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,290
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
384
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,192
He ordered lobster and left,
and you like this place.
385
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,359
Come down here.
386
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,261
I will take a pass on that.
387
00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:10,363
Why? You love lobster.
388
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,764
Well, because,
as I said earlier,
389
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:14,367
I am in a healthy,
mature relationship,
390
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:17,304
and I am having sex
with my husband right now.
391
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:19,339
Okay! All right!
392
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,342
(Abby moaning)
393
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,244
Then why did you answer
the phone?
394
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,746
Because I've entered
several sweepstakes.
395
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,781
Oh! Okay.
396
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,388
(sighs)
397
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,368
Hi, James.
398
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:51,471
I feel bad
about the elevator yelling.
399
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,873
And I'm at that place
we love on Filmore.
400
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:58,611
My date ended early
for classy reasons, and...
401
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:00,547
I wanted to buy you a drink
402
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,815
to thank you
for buying me the underwear,
403
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,685
which turned out to be
surprisingly breathable.
404
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:12,359
Hey.
405
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:13,693
Hey!
What are you doing here?
406
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:14,261
I thought you were on a date.
407
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:15,495
I was.
408
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,430
How'd it go?
409
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,766
This van is great!
410
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,235
And... no bears.
411
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:26,239
Anyway, Abby called,
412
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:28,275
and she kept on saying,
"Okay, all right,"
413
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:29,842
which was strange...
414
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,245
...but whatever.
415
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:34,181
Um, I thought
you might like some company.
416
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,548
Is the gentleman
joining you?
417
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,185
Yeah, okay.
418
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,691
So...
419
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:47,294
your date left early.
420
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,729
I gotta tell ya,
421
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:50,730
there's a reason why
422
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,300
Julia Roberts was never
pregnant and single
423
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:56,169
in any one
of her movies.
424
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:59,339
Turns out it's a lot harder
to overcome than being a hooker.
425
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:03,576
Billie...
don't worry about it.
426
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:06,246
You are beautiful,
and you're funny,
427
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,715
and you got a cool job,
428
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:11,618
awesome TV, insurance.
429
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:16,189
Any guy would be lucky
to have you.
430
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,824
Well, in a
stunning reversal,
431
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:19,826
this has now become
a good night.
432
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:29,269
To more weird conversations
and fewer boxes.
433
00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:31,304
And to you buying me
a new knife.
(laughs)
Yeah.
434
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:32,872
Seriously.
It's destroyed.
Hmm.
435
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,513
Thanks.
436
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,981
You got two desserts?
437
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,317
Shut up.
438
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:47,787
(whispering):
Psst! Zack!
439
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:51,424
How long am I supposed
to wait in the van?
440
00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:00,767
This is some excellent food,
Pregnant Lady.
441
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:03,870
That's just 'cause
you're more baked
442
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,505
than the food you're eating.
443
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:06,673
No.
No, you can tell.
444
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,441
This food comes
from a classy place.
445
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:11,744
You know, like the kind of place
that puts ice in the urinals.
446
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,415
I love peeing on ice.
447
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:21,254
It's like having laser
heat eyes, but with your pee.
448
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,891
Did I say that thing
about my pee out loud,
449
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,926
or just think it?
450
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,597
You just thought it.
451
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:32,999
Wait a minute.
452
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,802
Then how do you know
that I asked you that?
453
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,970
Ask us what?
454
00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:46,279
Are we talking right now?
455
00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:47,580
Seriously,
can anyone hear me?!
456
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,649
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