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1
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Previously on
Accidentally on Purpose.
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00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,373
I'm thinking of going home
with a guy who may be
3
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:07,475
significantly younger than me,
and I just need to know
4
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,211
if the situation is
empowering or desperate.
5
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,379
Is he over 18?
Yeah.
6
00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:13,381
Empowering!
7
00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:15,516
I'm just not a one-night-stand
kind of person.
8
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,351
I just never do things
like this.
9
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,220
(clanging)
(gasps)
10
00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:20,688
So this is the
spot where we...
11
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,123
Yep.
Okay!
12
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,158
Your first pregnancy test.
13
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,493
That's adorable.
14
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,095
Yay!
15
00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:28,062
No!
16
00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:30,064
I think you should stay with me.
17
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,365
I don't want
to complicate your life.
18
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,067
Why stop now?
19
00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:34,268
I miss you.
20
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:36,437
You shou miss me.
21
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,606
I'm fantastic.
22
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,508
Remember our whole
boundaries conversation?
23
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,443
Yeah, but when you said
"don't touch my stuff,"
24
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:45,079
I thought you meant like
your soy milk and your computer.
25
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:47,548
No, I meant don't touch
my stuff!
26
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:48,516
Baby?
27
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,683
Yeah, she's having my baby.
28
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,219
Cool, huh?
29
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:54,422
What?
I've got to update
my Facebook status.
30
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,333
Are people staring at me because
I just broke up with the boss
31
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,567
and accidentally
got impregnated
32
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,669
by a 22-year-old on a futon?
33
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:12,173
Or-- and this is the one
I want you to say--
34
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,408
because my hair turned out
all bouncy and fun?
35
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,310
Actually, people are staring
36
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,379
'cause you've got a great
big hunk of cream cheese
37
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,314
on your boob.
Ugh!
38
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,818
So, what's it like living
with the little impregnator?
39
00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,787
You know, it's a little awkward.
40
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,323
Fresh coffee in the kitchen.
Ooh...
41
00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,624
Whoops.
42
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:34,428
Hey, look at you!
43
00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:37,698
He's got a great...
44
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:39,567
...personality.
Oh!
45
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,636
Oh, look, here's old
cock-a-doodle-doo now!
46
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:44,738
Hey.
Hey!
47
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,241
So, newspaper, huh?
48
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,377
This is
where they print the lies!
49
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:51,912
I wanted to bring
your key back.
50
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,714
I got a copy made.
Okay.
51
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,750
Well, Zack, Davis,
thank you for coming by.
52
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,352
Now perhaps you should go,
'cause last time
53
00:01:58,386 --> 00:01:59,920
you dropped in...
JAMES: Great!
54
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,455
This guy's back.
55
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,457
...that happened.
56
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:04,658
How'd you get in here?
57
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:07,328
You didn't get my security
guard pregnant, too, did you?
58
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,798
I was just dropping off
Billie's key because...
59
00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,500
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!
...we're living together.
60
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:13,501
Oh, no, he didn't!
61
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,405
Olivia, would you kindly... ?
62
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:20,441
Get out! Go!
You make me sick!
63
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,243
Bye, baby, see you
in our love cave.
64
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,478
What?!
What?!
65
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:29,317
Oh, love cave.
66
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:31,919
These kids and their
ill-timed jokes.
67
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,287
It's platonic.
68
00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:35,356
Look, we may not
be together anymore,
69
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,590
but I still care about you.
70
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,292
I mean, who is this kid?
71
00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:39,560
Where's he from?
72
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:40,928
Seattle.
73
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,763
What's his dad do?
Architect.
74
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:43,931
Siblings?
75
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,766
Four: Meg, Tom, Bill and Rosie.
76
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:49,169
Well, it sounds like you have
everything under control.
77
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:54,442
Hey, how come you didn't tell me
these things about Zack?
78
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,976
Because it's not true!
79
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,779
I just rattled stuff off
from Sleepless in Seattle.
80
00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,982
I don't actually know
where he's from.
81
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,885
During our fling, we didn't get
into a lot of deep conversation.
82
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:07,821
(sighing):
Oh, that rocked.
83
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:12,926
Oh, I'd kill for
a meatball hero!
84
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,396
You just gave that guy your key!
85
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:16,630
They do a better
background check
86
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:19,467
when you move into a crackhouse!
87
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,669
Hey, here's an idea.
88
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:25,539
How about I get to know
the father of my baby?
89
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,541
(knocking on door)
90
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,744
Hi, roomie,
what you doing?
91
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,780
Just smiling.
92
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,014
(gasps)
Oh, my God, you're
in the middle of
93
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,449
going downtown
on the alone train.
94
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:36,450
My bad.
95
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:37,518
No, I wasn't, I wasn't.
96
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,420
Anyway, what's up?
97
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,522
Um, well, I wanted to talk
to you about something
98
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:42,890
so crazy and funny
that I realized--
99
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,558
you know what is
so funny and crazy?--
100
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,859
I don't know where you're from.
101
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,895
Where are you from?
102
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:50,531
You know, we should totally,
totally have this conversation
103
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,500
but I've actually got
a bunch of stuff to do
104
00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,534
around town, so...
So do I!
105
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,469
We can go together
and talk about your parents.
106
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,737
Uh, thanks, but I'm good.
107
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,539
It's kind of personal,
is that okay?
108
00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,973
Okay.
109
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:02,810
Fantastic.
Cool.
110
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:10,418
I'll respect the hell
out of that.
111
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:21,629
* I can't be anything
without you. *
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00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,664
Captioning sponsored by
CBS TELEVISION
113
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,572
I wonder why Zack
wouldn't tell you anything.
114
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:34,875
Oh, I had a dream he told
you he was from St. Louis.
115
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:37,478
If I'm right, then the rest of
my dream will also come true,
116
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,514
which means I will get an
e-mail from Michelle Obama!
117
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:50,391
Guys, I did
a very bad thing.
118
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,560
Oh, what now?
119
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:53,694
I tossed his room.
120
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,062
You did not!
(gasping)
121
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:56,129
Oh, but I did.
122
00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,732
I tossed it like a prison guard
looking for crack.
123
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,635
I'm ashamed to be your sister.
124
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,505
What'd you find?
125
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:07,641
I found this picture,
which I've never seen before
126
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,443
taken the night
we met at the bar.
127
00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:11,779
I found it in a mysterious pile
of parking tickets
128
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:15,649
which he kept
in a secretive pizza box.
129
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,351
That's sweet.
130
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:19,987
Does the back of my hair
always look that flat?
131
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,356
Yeah.
Yeah.
132
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,392
This picture was taken
133
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,693
before you two met.
134
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:26,960
How do you know that?
135
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,496
I'm a journalist.
136
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,598
I know all the tricks
of the trade.
137
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:34,001
Plus, the clock on the wall
on the bar behind you says 7:26.
138
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,769
Right.
139
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,673
So, on top of it,
I found this note.
140
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:44,945
"Dear Billie,
this is hard to say."
141
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,980
And that's it.
142
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,917
That's creepy, right?
143
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,018
Yeah!
144
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,386
The only way that
could be creepier
145
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:53,587
is if it was
written in blood.
146
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,557
We need facts.
147
00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:57,991
That's what reporters get,
facts.
148
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,427
No, you're right.
149
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,028
This kid is the father
of my baby.
150
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,896
Oh, my God!
151
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:06,934
The kid is the father
of my baby.
152
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,669
Right, we need to go down
to this bar right now
153
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:09,903
and get to the bottom of things.
154
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,572
You just want to have a martini.
155
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:13,641
Yeah, there is some
truth in that.
156
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:16,477
What's this guy's name again?
157
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,111
Zack. He's super cute.
158
00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:21,749
He hangs out with this guy that
looks like a hipster caveman.
159
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:22,916
Davis, yeah, yeah.
160
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,818
They were in here playing
some game they just made up.
161
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:26,787
It's called
bar stool roulette.
162
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,156
All right, you're going
to close your eyes, we're
going to spin you around.
163
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:32,192
Now, whoever you take
a picture of, you got
to try and nail.
164
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,127
Wait, wait, wait--
whoa, what if it's a dude?
165
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,996
Just look interested
in what he's saying.
166
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,165
Guys love that.
167
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:42,770
(groans)
168
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:44,672
Okay, stop!
169
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,106
(clicks)
170
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,175
Yes! Hot!
171
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,943
Blonde! I'm into it.
Come on!
172
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:52,680
It would have been so much
better if it was a dude.
173
00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:55,616
Oh, it was fate.
174
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:56,517
No, it wasn't.
175
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:59,119
I was the prize
on Wheel of Horny.
176
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,855
Do you remember anything else?
177
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:04,758
I think they were celebrating
something with the picture guy.
178
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,727
Well, I'm having
a baby with that guy.
179
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,962
Something good happened.
Why didn't he tell me?
180
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,731
My article's not
due till tomorrow.
181
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,733
Let's just go shakedown
that little hedgehog
182
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,935
he hangs out with
and get some answers.
183
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,670
Good idea.
I like it.
184
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:17,971
Three ladies, shaking it down.
185
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,973
Hot on the trail.
Getting some answers.
186
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:23,110
One of them a pregnant
James Bond.
187
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,846
One of them loose
and Scottish.
188
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,681
The third...
189
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,750
has flat hair.
190
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,723
BILLIE:
Hello?
191
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:43,731
So, this is the place
Zack seduced you?
192
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:49,102
Yes, yes, it is.
193
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,805
I feel really good
about myself right now.
194
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:56,777
What does the master bedroom
look out over? Hell?
195
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,948
I think it's charming.
196
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:03,150
I love these kitschy,
little coasters.
197
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,818
Oh, that's bologna.
198
00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:06,787
(toilet flushes)
199
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,595
I knew this would happen.
200
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,229
So how do you guys
want to do this?
201
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:19,266
All at once
or one at a time?
202
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,703
Sorry to barge in, Davis.
203
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:25,639
But, um, look, I was thinking
about surprising Zack
204
00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,841
for his birthday and...
205
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:30,778
Oh, my God--
are you seriously eating that?
206
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,583
I didn't know
when his birthday is.
207
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,885
So I didn't just,
like, miss it-- did I?
208
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:38,819
I don't know.
209
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,888
He was born in the
Year of the Rat, though.
210
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:43,757
I learned that off a placemat
at a Chinese restaurant.
211
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:46,794
Me? The Year of the Tiger.
Oh...
212
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,830
I'm a monkey!
213
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,933
Focus.
214
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,568
Okay, but that night,
it seemed like
215
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,069
you were celebrating
something.
216
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,337
What would that something be?
Tell me that.
217
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,040
I want to know that.
Oh, yeah, yeah--
the night at the bar.
218
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,643
Well, my favorite part
was definitely...
219
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:03,877
the next morning.
220
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,817
(gasps)
221
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,921
Hello.
222
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,323
Hello.
Hello.
223
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,726
Look, that hooker's
still moving!
224
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,293
Get her!
Got her.
225
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,295
Good.
226
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,965
Oops, forgot the cellular.
227
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,834
Which I'm going to need
if I'm going to find
228
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,869
another lucky lad
to have casual sex with.
229
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,303
I'm kidding.
I am a nice lady.
230
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:31,972
Actually, I never
do stuff like this.
231
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,674
There it is!
232
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:36,143
Oh, lying in some
233
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,679
miscellaneous liquid.
234
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,181
Okay.
235
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,219
Dude, she was sexy as hell.
236
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,990
Morning, porn star.
237
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,992
That's right.
238
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,894
Give it up.
Give it up.
239
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,997
Aw, sweet,
she left her number.
240
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:59,867
Here, Davis. This is what a
girl's phone number looks like.
241
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,837
She left all seven digits.
242
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:06,273
Dude! Zack,
none of us
243
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,942
have ever gone past
the dirty 30.
244
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:09,643
So what was that like?
245
00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,879
It was different.
Like...
246
00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:13,947
All access different?
247
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,016
I'm not going to tell you that.
248
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,886
Almost, it was dark.
249
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,021
Come on, man.
I'm-a need more details.
250
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,856
I mean, you banged her
on my futon.
251
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:25,859
It was, uh...
it was awesome.
252
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,361
She was confident
and specific.
253
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:29,963
And bossy.
254
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,832
She took my hands
and put them places.
255
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,300
Not the places you think.
256
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,736
There's other places, you guys.
257
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,038
That's hot.
258
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,374
"Billie Chase."
259
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,744
Well, you know what?
Cheers, bro.
260
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,245
This was the perfect way
to celebrate you
261
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,947
finally getting up
off your ass,
262
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,449
manning up and turning in
your application for...
263
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,151
Application
for what?
264
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,220
"Application for what?"
265
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,989
You just said,
"application for..."?
266
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,157
What?
267
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:01,895
Just answer me this:
Is he from St. Louis?
268
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,932
Okay, I'm starting to get
the idea that you guys
269
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,466
didn't come here
just to hang out with me.
270
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,868
You know what?
Screw it.
271
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:09,937
I found this note
in his room.
272
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,872
What is so hard
for him to say to me?
273
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,974
(chuckles nervously)
274
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,843
Maybe I should just put a bag
over your head,
275
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:19,012
drive you to the middle of
the woods and we can talk there?
276
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:21,949
Look, why don't
you guys just hassle
Zack over this, okay?
277
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:25,052
I have to get
to work now, so, uh...
278
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,420
Call me, Australian lady.
279
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:30,991
(knocking at door)
280
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,860
DAVIS:
It's me, Davis.
Open up!
281
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,996
Hey.
282
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,966
Is that Billie's
thigh thingy?
283
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,100
I guess so.
284
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,035
Can I have that?
285
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,872
What, why are you here?
She's on to you, man.
286
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:47,040
Her and her fancy lady posse
were in my apartment
287
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:50,077
sexually harassing me
and stealing my bologna.
288
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:52,746
What? Why?
289
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,514
She knows!
She knows about the application!
290
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,817
I don't know how,
but she knows.
291
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,419
And did you start writing her
some candy-ass note?
292
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:00,921
Wait, how do you
know about that?
293
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,122
She was in your room, man.
294
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,092
She probably knows you got
into food college in Baltimore.
295
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:07,928
The Culinary Academy
in New York.
296
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,831
Are you really busting my balls
about specifics right now?
297
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:13,300
Aw, crap. You know, I should've
just told her this morning.
298
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,868
And now, she's going
to be all pissed,
299
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:16,069
and I don't even
think I'm going.
300
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,504
But it's your dream.
301
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:21,041
Butter and whisks
and big, white hats...
302
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,743
So you can be
like Ratatouille.
303
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,148
Hello.
What do you want?
304
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:29,983
Yeah? Here
to spread your lies
305
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,852
with your big
lie machine?
306
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,222
Actually, I do enjoy
the word jumble.
307
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,157
I think I'd be really good
at writing those.
308
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,225
Are you finished?
309
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,828
You mean,
am I "if-nished"?
310
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,130
I'm so sorry.
311
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,465
Where's Billie?
312
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,500
She's not here.
313
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:53,373
What do you want?
314
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,175
Okay, well...
315
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,409
You seem like
an okay kid.
316
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,212
I think you
might have
317
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:00,948
got yourself
in a situation here where
318
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,016
you're in a little bit
over your head.
319
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:04,084
Billie's important to me.
320
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,285
Yeah, she's important
to me, too.
321
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,454
Me, too.
I really love her.
322
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:13,226
Look, if I was in your position,
I'd be freaked out
323
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,928
and I'm a successful
businessman.
324
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:16,096
Look, you know what?
325
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:19,132
I'm impressed by your success
326
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:20,133
and your job and your...
327
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,135
jawline.
328
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:24,237
But I don't need to take
any advice from you.
329
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:27,140
Do you have any idea how much
it costs to raise a kid?
330
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:31,444
$342,000.
331
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,346
Does that
include the shoes?
332
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,449
Look, don't worry about it,
okay?
333
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,584
I got it under control.
334
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,586
Really?
335
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,321
'Cause you look
a little rattled to me.
336
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,594
Can you believe that guy?
337
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:48,996
Yeah.
338
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,531
He's like a really handsome
Darth Vader.
339
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,272
I wonder where Zack is.
340
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:00,607
He hasn't talked to you yet?
341
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,209
Talked to me about what?
342
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:05,612
Huh... this is uncomfortable,
343
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,615
and I haven't even
put the speculum in yet.
344
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:12,285
What? What could be more
uncomfortable than the speculum?
345
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,554
Well, Zack stopped by earlier
346
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:16,589
and told me he was
moving out of town.
347
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,091
What?
348
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,595
Well, that explains
his behavior this morning.
349
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:25,032
The half-written note.
350
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,901
The anxiety attack
I'm about to have.
351
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:30,203
Whoa, take it easy.
Take-- just breathe, okay?
352
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:33,240
Remember, childbirth
is a lot more painful.
353
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,252
What do you mean he was
"leaving town"? What did he say?
354
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:47,554
Hey, Doc.
355
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,090
I'll take a split pea soup,
extra crackers.
356
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,391
What?
357
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,160
Oh, Zack. Sorry.
358
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:54,394
I thought you were the soup guy.
359
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:56,663
Uh, I-I came by
to give you this.
360
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,932
A car wash coupon?
361
00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:00,300
No, it's, it's on the back.
362
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,202
It's my medical history.
363
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,137
I'm leaving for culinary school.
364
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:07,340
And Billie told me that she
could do this on her own and...
365
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:08,976
You know what?
That's probably a good idea,
366
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,343
because her "douchey"
ex-boyfriend got me thinking
367
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:12,145
that I'm in way over my head.
368
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:16,116
Well, "douchey" ex-boyfriends
are known for their wisdom.
369
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,651
Uh, right. So...
370
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,354
Um, anyway, my medical
history-- I tried to think
of everything.
371
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,256
Your uncle has
an extra finger?
372
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:24,691
Calls it a "cigar claw."
373
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,227
I'll put it
on Billie's chart.
374
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,362
Oh, uh, before you go.
375
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:32,632
Uh, let's see.
Oh, yeah. Here.
376
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,301
It's a picture of your kid.
377
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,336
Thanks.
378
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:42,142
(woman screams)
Sorry!
379
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:43,943
Looking good!
380
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,346
Wow.
381
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:47,680
I'm sorry.
382
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,582
I don't really know
383
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,451
what's going to make me
feel better right now,
384
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:54,154
but I'm going to start
by putting on my pants.
385
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:56,756
Well, if it's any comfort,
I'm still here for you.
386
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,191
And I'll make you this promise:
387
00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,626
I'll be here
when that baby's born.
388
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,695
Unless
it's during the Kentucky Derby.
389
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,664
Um, if it's during
the Kentucky Derby,
390
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,133
you get a sub.
391
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:07,300
Seriously?
392
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,668
It was on the thing you signed.
393
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:17,110
Well, you know what?
I think this is great.
394
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,345
What?
395
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:21,248
Yeah, I mean, better he leaves
now than when the baby's out
396
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,016
and can know her daddy
abandoned her.
397
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:25,452
And I can't think
how this could be better.
398
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,688
This really sucks, you guys.
399
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:31,324
Come on, sis.
I'll make you some tea.
400
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:32,725
You know what
goes good with tea?
401
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,727
A whole bucket of frosting.
402
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,564
And maybe an entire ham.
403
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,366
Oh, my God.
404
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:42,069
Come on, you've never eaten
an entire ham before?
405
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,404
Hey.
406
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,306
Hey.
407
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,175
He's back!
Everything's better!
408
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,243
Shh!
409
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:52,212
Uh, can I talk
to Billie for a sec?
410
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:55,382
Now, you just remember,
I'm on the end of the phone.
411
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:58,418
Except my battery's dead, so you
just give me a little e-mail.
412
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:05,258
What a day, huh?
(groans)
413
00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:07,660
It was interesting.
414
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:10,397
I learned about the pizza box
filing system,
415
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,132
culinary school,
416
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,101
Uncle Cigar Claw.
417
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:17,270
Oh, yeah. Well, if you ever meet
him, try not to stare at it.
418
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,806
So I guess it
comes down to this:
419
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,375
are you staying or going?
420
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:24,811
Well, I was going, but then...
421
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:27,814
I was driving along,
and I had this epiphany.
422
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,383
I never finished the milkshake
from the other day.
423
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,820
And then I saw the picture
of the baby
424
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:36,055
and I thought about you.
425
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:40,293
And there was nothing
that could stop me
426
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:42,295
from turning that van around...
427
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:43,263
except a parked car.
428
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,298
(tires screeching, crashing)
429
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:48,768
I left a note.
430
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,270
Actually three notes.
431
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:51,838
I hit three cars.
432
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:56,143
How come you never mentioned
culinary school?
433
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:57,444
I... I don't know.
434
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:58,778
I figured I'd never
get accepted.
435
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:00,613
I mean, it took me a year
just to work up
436
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:02,615
the nerve to send
in the application.
437
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,517
And then I got a letter
saying I got in.
438
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,519
Well, look, I don't want
to be the thing that keeps you
439
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,555
from doing what
you really want to do.
440
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:12,292
No, this, this is what
I want to do.
441
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:14,861
It's just really hard
for me to say. Um...
442
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:17,397
I'm scared
443
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,798
that I'm going
to disappoint
444
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:21,301
you and the baby.
445
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:24,804
And did you know it costs
$342,000 to raise a kid,
446
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,240
and that may not include shoes?
447
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,841
You're looking at it
from the time it's born
448
00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,477
until it turns 18.
449
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,245
And our kid could go barefoot.
450
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:34,281
Though not
in Davis's apartment.
451
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:36,649
And I'm scared, too.
452
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,685
Yeah.
453
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,455
How about this?
454
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:45,625
Let's just take it one
scary thing at a time.
455
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,328
Okay? That is
if you're staying.
456
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:49,562
Yeah, I am.
457
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,264
Good.
458
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,433
'Cause I think that's better
for you and the baby.
459
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,501
Yeah.
460
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,736
And me.
461
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,441
Oh, I guess I should
give you this back.
462
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,413
So, bar stool roulette, huh?
463
00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:09,816
Not exactly something
I'm going to tell the baby.
464
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,419
Oh, you don't know
the whole story about that.
465
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:14,554
*
466
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,458
You cheated!
467
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:19,692
Of course I did.
468
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,294
See the woman in that picture?
469
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,629
Wouldn't you want
to get her pregnant?
470
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,732
That is the sweetest thing.
471
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:28,301
And I was actually saving
this picture so I could
472
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:30,570
show the baby the first night
I met its mother.
473
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,873
I take it back;
that is the sweetest thing.
474
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,875
Can I tell you something else?
475
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:37,477
Yeah.
476
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,878
Stay the hell out of my room.
477
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:41,414
You got it.
478
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,490
When's the Kentucky Derby?
479
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,660
First Saturday in May. Why?
480
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,762
No reason. Oh!
481
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,535
Man... one scary problem
at a time.
482
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:05,438
One scary problem at a time.
483
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:08,741
Hey, I was thinking, if that
cigar claw thing is hereditary,
484
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,009
let's just leave it.
485
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,712
'Cause if we could get him to
hold a cigar when he's a baby,
486
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:14,747
that'll be hilarious, right?
487
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:19,686
Right?
488
00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:28,495
Zack?
489
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,464
Zack?
490
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,799
(gasps)
491
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,601
Oh, good.
You're here.
492
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:37,337
Of course I am.
493
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,472
Is this going to happen
every time I brush my teeth?
494
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:47,880
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