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1
00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:07,049
♪♪
2
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:09,274
Hey, have you seen Ben's
nose-hair trimmer?
3
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:12,273
Oh, it's not really
a shareable tool, Dad.
4
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:14,616
I'm not gonna
put it up my nose.
5
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:17,226
I need it to trim
the little bumps off my sweater.
6
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:18,668
I can't stop
playing with them.
7
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:21,284
I-I'm gonna end up
making a hole.
8
00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:23,365
Hey, um,
come take a look
9
00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:25,374
at what I just found
on Mark's computer.
10
00:00:25,416 --> 00:00:28,416
You shouldn't be looking
at your kid's computer.
11
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:30,293
But if it's porn,
it's not that big a deal
12
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,644
to find sexy pictures
of some guy.
13
00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:34,214
Or Angie Dickinson.
14
00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:37,860
No, it's not that.
15
00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:41,947
It's a spreadsheet of his
top ten picks of colleges.
16
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:43,428
Don't tell him
I was snooping,
17
00:00:43,478 --> 00:00:45,438
but there's eight that are
on the East and West Coast
18
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,960
and there's only two
that are close by.
19
00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:49,924
Well, I don't know
how youfeel about that,
20
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:52,052
but I think it's great
he wants to get away from home
21
00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:53,095
and experience
something new.
22
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,140
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.
23
00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:59,187
Well, I'm glad
you see it that way,
24
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,893
because the more you try
to keep your kid home,
25
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,151
I promise you, that makes them
want to leave even more.
26
00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:07,845
Yeah. Why would I do that?
Leaving home is healthy.
27
00:01:07,893 --> 00:01:10,643
Exactly!
And you know what's even worse?
28
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,859
Sometimes when you tell them
to stay, they do.
29
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,901
You know what?
When you look at it --
30
00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:19,907
New York, Seattle,
San Francisco --
31
00:01:19,949 --> 00:01:21,599
these are all
fun cities.
32
00:01:21,646 --> 00:01:23,256
I don't quite
get Delaware,
33
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,350
but I guess what happens there
stays there
34
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:28,259
'cause no one really knows
where it is.
35
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,215
What you guys doing in here?
Talking about me?
36
00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:33,144
You got something to say,
you can say it to my face!
37
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,360
We weren't,
but you're annoying.
38
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,359
There. You happy?
39
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:38,711
I just heard voices
upstairs.
40
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,230
I thought maybe
something interesting
41
00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:41,934
might be happening
without me.
42
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:45,241
Nope. Darlene was showing me
Mark's list of colleges.
43
00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:47,059
Almost all of them
are as far away from Lanford
44
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,587
as you can get.
45
00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:50,240
[ Quietly ]
And his mother.
46
00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:52,904
Oh. Ohh.
Is she okay with that?
47
00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:55,718
She says she is,
but I see a hugeasteroid
48
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,197
hurtling towards us.
49
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:59,547
Hey. What's going on?
I heard voices upstairs.
50
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:01,157
I thought something
interesting was happening.
51
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:04,343
That the last
pudding cup?
52
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:07,296
Yes.
53
00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:09,354
Thanks for
bringing it up.
54
00:02:10,652 --> 00:02:12,312
So, Dan was telling me
about Mark
55
00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:14,699
picking some
faraway colleges.
56
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:17,443
What? I didn't know he was
looking at out-of-state schools.
57
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:18,615
You okay with that?
58
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:21,270
I think it's great. Why?
Do you have a problem with it?
59
00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:23,315
Because it's what
nature intends.
60
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,450
I mean, you wouldn't know that
because you don't have kids,
61
00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:27,713
but they're supposed to
leave the nest.
62
00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:29,366
It's a big, exciting world
out there.
63
00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:32,240
And don't stand
in his way, Ben!
64
00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,682
Phew.
What was that?
65
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:37,239
The asteroid can now be seen
by the naked eye.
66
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,766
Well, that made even less
sense than what shesaid.
67
00:02:41,813 --> 00:02:43,343
And you know what?
I deserve pudding
68
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,340
as much as anybody else
in this house!
69
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:51,482
♪♪
70
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:57,389
♪♪
71
00:02:57,438 --> 00:03:02,438
♪♪
72
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,095
"The Conners" is filmed
73
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:09,364
in front of
a live studio audience.
74
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,886
Hey. You have to
tell your family
75
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,850
to stop using my nose-hair
trimmer for other things!
76
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:19,417
Sneezed out something
navy blue yesterday.
77
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,030
Hey, you guys, good news!
I got a job!
78
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:23,071
Hey! Alright!
79
00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:25,985
Wow! A job?
80
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:27,421
Huh! You went out
and got one on your own?
81
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:28,898
That's unusual
in this family.
82
00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:30,337
Not, like, court-mandated
or anything?
83
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:33,304
[ Laughs ]
Well, so, what's the job?
84
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,003
What, are you a ticket taker
at the movies?
85
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,960
Paper boy?
A soda jerk?
86
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,780
I'm not a teenager
in the 1950s.
87
00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,828
Yeah.
88
00:03:41,873 --> 00:03:43,443
You do kinda dress
like one.
89
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,180
I'm bagging groceries
at the Whole Foods
90
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,657
on the niceside of town.
Oh.
91
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,446
All the customers
wear yoga pants
92
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:52,101
and have tiny dogs
in strollers.
93
00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:55,414
Oh, yeah. You can tell
it was made for rich people.
94
00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:56,892
In the bathrooms,
they don't even put locks
95
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:59,332
on their
toilet-paper rolls.
96
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:00,979
Oh, they will after wehit 'em
a couple times.
97
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:02,293
[ Laughs ]
98
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,549
It's --
It's gonna be great
99
00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:05,071
for me to make money
for college,
100
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,904
but I need to get
my driver's license.
101
00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:08,202
Wow.
102
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:12,248
College and driver's license
and a job.
103
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:14,165
You're growing up a little fast,
aren't you?
104
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:16,520
Or it's the exact right speed.
Beer?
105
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:21,998
Yeah.
To growing up.
106
00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:23,314
If you're worried about me,
don't.
107
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,090
I'm gonna be a safe driver,
108
00:04:25,134 --> 00:04:26,614
and you just have to
practice driving with me
109
00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:27,877
so I can take the test.
110
00:04:27,919 --> 00:04:29,529
We can make it fun,
too.
111
00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:31,583
We can drive around
historical sites in the city.
112
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:34,359
Yeah, that's a good three
or four blocks to explore.
113
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:35,884
[ Silverware rattles ]
114
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:39,407
Okay, driving buddy,
it's a date.
115
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:41,463
Oh, I just gotta duct-tape
the side-view mirror
116
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,808
back on the car, and then
we are street-legal, baby!
117
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:45,418
Thank you.
118
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:46,759
Hey.
119
00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:48,848
Somebody gave me tickets
to see Chicago tonight
120
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,417
at Ravinia.
121
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:53,254
They're down to three
original members, some randos,
122
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,433
and a 9-year-old girl drummer
who's an Internet phenom!
123
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:56,989
Who wants to go?
124
00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:58,945
I'm...busy.
125
00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:01,264
Sorry, Becky. Ben and I
planned a date night.
126
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,611
Yeah, I'm out too.
127
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:06,570
Neville bought a pottery wheel,
so we're gonna --
128
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:09,570
we're gonna reenact
that scene from "Ghost."
129
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:10,663
Ugh!
130
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,401
What?!
131
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,842
I get a night
with my man,
132
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:16,358
you guys get a misshapen
fruit bowl for Christmas.
133
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,621
Hey, why don't you
take a date, Becky?
134
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,357
[ Doorbell rings ]So, in your mind,
I had a date,
135
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,628
but I'd rather go
with you losers?
136
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,241
[ Laughs ] Okay.
137
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,724
Hey! What's up?
138
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,636
You want to go
to a concert?
139
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,641
It might give the remaining
three Chicago members
140
00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:38,433
a reason to live.
141
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:41,948
I'd love to, but I'm just
stopping by on my way to work.
142
00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:43,823
I brought you
some good news.Oh, I could use some.
143
00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:49,001
These are
divorce papers.
144
00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:53,049
You got
your green card!
145
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:55,051
I know.
Isn't that great?
146
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:56,493
And now you don't
have to tell people
147
00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:59,180
you have a husband
while you're dating.
148
00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,448
Uh...
149
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:03,580
Oh,
and look at this.
150
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:07,504
A save-the-date card
for your wedding!
151
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:10,411
Right inside
the divorce papers.
152
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,277
It's kind of like saying,
"Get out of my life
153
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:14,198
unless you're bringing me
a present."
154
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:17,513
No, no, no, no. Gabriela
put on there "no presents."
155
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,471
We feel blessed just
to have your company.
156
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,419
You can bring someone
if you like.
157
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,508
Uh, does it have to be a person?
Can it be a cat?
158
00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,387
'Cause that's kind of
where I'm headed.
159
00:06:26,821 --> 00:06:29,481
Anyway,
I hope you'll be there.
160
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,999
Thank you.
But probably not.
161
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:33,443
Your wife
would be jealous
162
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,270
because I'd be all hot
and everything.
163
00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:38,698
But I am gonna get you
a present.
164
00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:41,526
I already ordered
a one-of-a-kind fruit bowl!
165
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:47,620
You're doing great.
166
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,498
You mean
that merge, right?
167
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,629
That was
one hell of a merge.
168
00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:54,462
Of course, this is Lanford.
Not a lot of cars to merge into.
169
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,771
Not like, I don't know,
San Francisco.
170
00:06:57,808 --> 00:07:00,898
Hills, fog,
trolley cars,
171
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,682
you know,
people diving off of bridges,
172
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,987
hearts that were
left behind.
173
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,344
Now you're just saying
a bunch of words.
174
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:10,694
And why'd you pick
San Francisco?
175
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,214
No reason.
It's just...
176
00:07:12,257 --> 00:07:15,477
an example of a big city
with a lot of traffic.
177
00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:18,533
Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
We're coming up to a stop sign.
178
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:20,048
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready.
179
00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:21,571
Okay, if you're so ready,
why are you looking at me?
180
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,615
Because you keep
talking to me.Mark, slow down!
181
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,920
Slow down! Damn it! You just
rolled through a stop sign!
182
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,877
If you'd have done that
in San Francisco,
183
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,485
you could've rolled
right over a hippie!
184
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,112
Why are you
yelling at me?
185
00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:37,329
Well, I'm sorry, but if you're
so anxious to be independent,
186
00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:38,889
then you have to
pay attention.
187
00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,416
People are crazy.
188
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,980
They're -- They're
watching TikTok videos
189
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:44,586
and they're texting,
and then there are those guys
190
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:47,338
that are dancing and
spinning signs on every corner.
191
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:50,379
It's hard not to watch. Some
of them are really talented.
192
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,556
I know, but you're
stressing me out!
193
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:53,522
You have to calm down.
194
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,260
I am fine!
195
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,690
I am fine, okay?!
Now just drive!
196
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,794
And remember that any mistake
you make in this car
197
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:06,792
could be your last, okay?
198
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,714
And you could take someone
with you.
199
00:08:08,749 --> 00:08:11,579
[ Quietly ] I know who
I'd like it to be.
200
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:12,751
If you're mumbling
death threats,
201
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:14,926
then you're not focusing
on the road.
202
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,412
♪♪
203
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:20,543
Well, finally did it.
I joined a dating app.
204
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,327
Oh, good for you.
205
00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:24,811
Whose dog are you holding
in your profile picture?
206
00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:26,552
Oh. I took that picture
down at the shelter.
207
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,203
They let you hold them
and everything.
208
00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:29,856
It's a good way to reel in
the nice guys.
209
00:08:31,162 --> 00:08:32,992
And I'll adopt Lucky
if I find a guy with a house,
210
00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,784
but it's got to be
within three weeks.
211
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:37,818
There's a bit of a clock
on Lucky.
212
00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:40,125
Worst
reality show ever.
213
00:08:40,171 --> 00:08:42,131
"Marry Me
or the Dog Gets It."
214
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:47,312
But I am happy you're
finally moving on from Aldo.
215
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:49,792
Yeah, it was hard,
but, uh,
216
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,623
I've already been texting
with this one guy.
217
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,401
He seems cool.
His name's Steve.
218
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:56,358
How old is this guy?
219
00:08:56,405 --> 00:08:58,575
Late 30s. I think
I'm gonna ask him out.
220
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,185
Well, I gotta go.
221
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:02,185
I'm giving a woman
a tattoo of Todd Rundgren
222
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:04,717
in a "Where's Waldo?" outfit
saying, "Hello, It's Me."
223
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:08,769
We've got a problem.
224
00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:10,769
I know. Harris never
pays for lunch.
225
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:12,771
No!
226
00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:15,733
I went out with the guy
that Harris likes online.
227
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,692
I don't remember
exactly how it ended,
228
00:09:17,731 --> 00:09:20,121
but there was a lot of yelling
and it was really bad.
229
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,998
Oh, crap. You gotta warn her.
Why don't you remember?
230
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,300
Is that back
when you were drinking?
231
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:27,647
I didn't black out
because I was too sober!
232
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:34,399
I better check him out before
Harris gets in any deeper.
233
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,623
Well, you know what I'd do
if I was you?
234
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,835
I'd wear a wire.
235
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:42,837
Why?
Do you think it's safer?
236
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:45,106
Ah, not really.
I just wanna listen.
237
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:48,629
♪♪
238
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:49,845
Ben!
Hmm?
239
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:51,373
Get in here.
240
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:53,156
Where's my mom?
241
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,601
Oh, she's at the new house
micromanaging the electrician.
242
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,638
He's probably this close
243
00:09:57,684 --> 00:10:00,124
to sticking his tongue
in the electrical panel.
244
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:04,078
I need you to take me
to my driving test.
245
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:07,685
Oh, Mark, now, I know your mom's
been kind of intense lately,
246
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,827
but being there
when you get your license
247
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,520
is important to her.
248
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,047
And I don't know
if you've noticed,
249
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:16,750
but your mom's disappointment
rolls downhill.
250
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:19,920
And so,
by the time it gets to me,
251
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:23,407
that ball is covered
in goat heads and barbed wire.
252
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:26,278
I-I know, but she'll
make me so paranoid
253
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:29,321
and insane on the way over that
I'll freeze up and I'll fail.
254
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:32,367
Come on.
You gotta help me...Dad.
255
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:35,554
[ Laughs ] Okay.
256
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,901
Oh, we're gonna play
that game, huh? Okay.
257
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:40,201
Well...look...
258
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:42,858
my youngest...
259
00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:45,953
I am happy to deceive
your mother for a good cause,
260
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:48,133
but how are we gonna
keep it from her?
261
00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:49,949
Okay.
Here's the plan.
262
00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:51,777
You take me to get my license
in the morning,
263
00:10:51,825 --> 00:10:53,165
and then both of you
take me
264
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:55,567
to a different DMV
in the afternoon.
265
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:58,051
You'll distract her while I go
outside for about 20 minutes
266
00:10:58,092 --> 00:11:00,272
and pretend to
take my driving test.
267
00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:02,841
Then I'll come back in,
say I passed because of her,
268
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:06,749
and the goat-head ball rolls
past you and hits Harris.
269
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:10,096
Ha. There is one thing
I can say about you Conners.
270
00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:12,407
There is not an honest man
amongst you.
271
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:20,241
Oh, hey. What's up?
It's your day off.
272
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:22,938
I texted that guy Steve.
He's meeting me here.
273
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,726
Good idea. Vet him in person.
What'd you say to him?
274
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,602
I told him I'm sober now,
working my steps,
275
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:30,044
and I asked him
to help me
276
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,470
fill in some of the gaps
from that time.
277
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:32,906
Becky, come on.
278
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:34,963
He's never gonna admit
to the bad things he did
279
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:36,608
if he thinks
you don't remember them.
280
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:39,742
Now, when I was
on the force...
281
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,826
somebody wouldn't sing,
we'd take 'em in the back,
282
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:43,825
uh,
turn off the cameras,
283
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:45,877
make him read the phone book
with his ear.
284
00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:50,139
You know
what I'm saying?
285
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:52,317
I do,
after you acted it out.
286
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:58,114
Hey, Becky.
Steve!
287
00:11:58,152 --> 00:12:00,552
Thank you so much
for helping me out.
288
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:02,849
I gotta say, I was kinda shocked
when you texted me.
289
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:05,806
Oh. "Shocked" is an
interesting choice of words.
290
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,465
Why do you say that?
291
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,689
Well, you know,
'cause it ended so badly.
292
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:13,299
Yep. Crazy night.
293
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:15,171
But that's why
you're here.
294
00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:17,172
Uh, no judgment,
295
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:20,524
but I'd like to hear
how youremember that night.
296
00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:24,215
Okay. Well, uh, after you drank
the half bottle of tequila,
297
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,745
you went outside and knocked
over a line of motorcycles.
298
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:28,879
When the bikers
confronted you, you said,
299
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,582
"If you don't like it,
take it up with my boyfriend.
300
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:32,399
He can kick
your pansy asses."
301
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:34,879
Wow.
302
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:37,098
You didn't do anything
to start that?
303
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:40,497
Because I remember
you screaming at me.
304
00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:42,592
I was screaming,
"Becky, call the cops!
305
00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:44,461
They're breaking
my hand!"
306
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:47,812
Okay. That was
the missing piece.
307
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:50,294
Oh. I am so sorry.
308
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:52,864
I can't believe
you even came here at all!
309
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,902
I really liked you
before you got drunk.
310
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:56,468
Now that you're sober,
I figured
311
00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,564
I'd give you
the benefit of the doubt.
312
00:12:58,603 --> 00:12:59,873
I-I hope now that you've
straightened your life out,
313
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,219
you're happy?
314
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:02,868
Are you married?
315
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,222
Ha.
Funny you should ask.
316
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:08,402
My second husband just served
me divorce papers yesterday.
317
00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:12,657
And the first one's dead.
318
00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:14,884
Sounds like I got off easy
with just a shattered hand.
319
00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:16,624
[ Laughs ]
320
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,098
Hey, uh,
what about a do-over?
321
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,928
Any chance you wanna
grab dinner?
322
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:25,806
Wow. I'm flattered,
but I wouldn't want to
323
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,588
come between anybody you
were thinking of asking out.
324
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:33,073
You know? A fresh start
instead of a retread.
325
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,766
I'm texting a couple people,
but nobody serious.
326
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,685
Come on. I've had three
surgeries on my hand.
327
00:13:37,729 --> 00:13:40,779
You at least
owe me a meal.
328
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,470
Oh, I guess I do.
329
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:43,687
Great.
330
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:45,555
Uh, you know
what we need?
331
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,437
Is some sugar.
332
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:48,998
We haven't ordered
anything.
333
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:51,525
Oh, and, um, coffee
to put the sugar in.
334
00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:52,399
Be right back.
335
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:57,917
What's the verdict?
He a good guy for Harris?
336
00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:00,137
I don't know. I was the one
who caused all the problems.
337
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:02,887
Mm. Okay.
338
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,929
I'm gonna try and act surprised
and make you feel good.
339
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,235
It was you?!
340
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:15,994
There's that love and support
that helped me get sober.
341
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:18,119
Anyway...
342
00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:20,991
I didn't really get a chance
to feel him out yet.
343
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:24,434
He asked me out for dinner.
That's a bad idea, right?
344
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:27,042
Harris is really vulnerable
right now.
345
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,133
Look, just because you were
a bad person back then
346
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:30,352
doesn't mean
that he's a good person now.
347
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:31,651
You got to check him out.
348
00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:34,216
You got to help her
make a good choice.
349
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:37,924
Oh, yeah. Good choices
are what I'm all about.
350
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:39,844
I'm your gal!
351
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:43,009
♪♪
352
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:45,146
I wonder how
the driving test is going.
353
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:48,188
Mark was so confident
when he went out to take it.
354
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:51,665
Well, that's on you for being
such an incredible teacher.
355
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,106
Huh?
356
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:55,983
If I was you,
I would feel proud.
357
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:58,985
And nothing else
right now.
358
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:01,068
Oh, crap.
359
00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:03,727
I just remembered
my left turn signal's out.
360
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:04,992
I better let
somebody know
361
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,734
so Mark doesn't lose
any points for it.
362
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:09,165
No, no. Hey, hey. Don't worry
about Mark. He's smart.
363
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:11,132
When he goes to put on
that turn signal,
364
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,911
he'll just make that clicking
sound with his tongue.
365
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,305
Tck-tck-tck-tck.
They'll never know.
366
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,972
Excuse me. Um, my son is taking
his driving test right now,
367
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,009
and I'm wondering --What's your son's name?
368
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:27,064
Oh.
Uh, Mark Conner-Healy.
369
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,670
Okay.
370
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,760
[ Keyboard clacking ]
371
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,499
Says here that your son
took the test at 9:00 a.m.
372
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,500
this morning
and passed it.
373
00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:47,992
How 'bout that, Ben?
374
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:49,994
I'm such a good teacher
375
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:53,426
that Mark passed his test
before he even got here.
376
00:15:56,477 --> 00:15:59,257
Before you do anything,
look around.
377
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:01,436
There's a lot of cameras
in here.
378
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,529
I passed! Thanks for
all your help, Mom.
379
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:09,225
I couldn't have done it
without you.
380
00:16:10,665 --> 00:16:12,225
Ben, stop gesturing.
381
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:17,242
I know you went to take the test
this morning with him.
382
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:21,020
God. You had one lie
and you fell apart.
383
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,497
I am sorry
I lied to you.
384
00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:25,327
I'm sorry I didn't lie
to her better.
385
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,730
I'm going to the vending machine
to eat my shame.
386
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:33,122
Why did you ask him
to take you to your test?
387
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,686
Because every time
I got in the car with you,
388
00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:37,392
you turned into
the "Whiplash" guy.
389
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,431
It's like I was doing
something wrong.
390
00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:42,036
I'm just trying to
save money for college.
391
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,088
Well, you better
get paid in euros,
392
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:46,793
'cause for all I know, your
safety schools are in Europe.
393
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:49,791
What are you
talking about?
394
00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:51,624
I saw the spreadsheet
on your computer.
395
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:53,272
Most of the places
you're applying to
396
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:57,316
are as far away from me
as you can get.
397
00:16:57,364 --> 00:17:00,064
Is -- Is that why
you've been acting so crazy?
398
00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:06,201
Was I that horrible of a mom
that you just have to get away?
399
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:10,122
No. No, no.
It's not about you at all.
400
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,419
Mom, I'm a gay kid
in a tiny town in the Midwest.
401
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,247
It's not about
getting away from you.
402
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:17,075
It's about getting away
from here.
403
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:20,043
Didn't you move away to Chicago
to get away from Lanford?
404
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:23,042
Well, yeah, but my mom
wasn't as great as yours is.
405
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,924
And I always could
drive back on the weekends.
406
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,218
I feel like
I'm never gonna see you.
407
00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:32,355
Mom, you know, you didn't just
teach me how to drive away.
408
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:34,879
You also taught me
how to drive back.
409
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,143
With flares and protective
weather gear in the trunk
410
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:40,056
and bear repellent
in the glove compartment.
411
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,632
Do you know how many people
get eaten by bears
412
00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:44,320
on their way to college
every year?
413
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:49,163
Alright.
How about you drive us home?
414
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:50,898
Okay!
415
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,639
But if you start to make me
nervous, I will push you out.
416
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:55,601
Do you know how many moms
get killed every year
417
00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:58,209
being pushed out of a moving car
by their son?
418
00:17:58,251 --> 00:17:59,171
All of them.
419
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:05,078
♪♪
420
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,257
Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.
421
00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:14,267
Sorry! Just going out!
Can't talk!
422
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:17,310
You're going out now?
It's 11:00.
423
00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:20,057
He works
the graveyard shift.
424
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,669
At a fancy
Italian restaurant.
425
00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,450
Night night!
Wait.
426
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,584
I wanted to talk to you
about that guy Steve.
427
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:29,237
He started ghosting me. Why do
you think he would do that?
428
00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:30,632
I mean, we were
getting along great,
429
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:33,424
and all of a sudden
he just stops texting me.
430
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,160
I don't know
what I did wrong.
431
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,643
Don't start
blaming yourself.
432
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:41,422
Aldo's the only guy I've ever
had a real relationship with,
433
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:44,208
so maybe only stupid guys
like me.
434
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:46,133
[ Sighs ]
435
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,688
Don't go there.
436
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:49,555
Okay?
You're amazing!
437
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:51,036
Maybe he met
somebody else.
438
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:54,256
Maybe somebody
he has a history with.
439
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:57,137
I'm sure you're better than
whoever he shared dinner with.
440
00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:00,746
Which was me.
441
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,232
I'm sorry. What?!
442
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:05,062
Steve and I went out
a long time ago,
443
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,190
back when
I was drinking.
444
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,113
And I knew
it ended badly,
445
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,279
but I couldn't remember
whose fault it was.
446
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,195
I swear, I had
the best of intentions.
447
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,200
Is that why
you're wearing a dress
448
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:19,462
where your intentions are all
pushed up for everyone to see?!
449
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:20,456
Screw you.
450
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:22,547
You're gonna wake up
Beverly Rose.
451
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:25,076
Aunt Becky stole a guy
that I was talking to online!
452
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,300
No.
You're absolutely wrong.
453
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,210
Your aunt
only went out with him
454
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,425
to make sure
he wasn't a bad guy.
455
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:32,043
If you
did something wrong,
456
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,483
now would be a really good time
to tell me.
457
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,351
Harris is right. I shouldn't
have gone out with him.
458
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,392
I am sosorry.
459
00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:39,658
What were you thinking?!
460
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,620
I wasn't!
461
00:19:41,658 --> 00:19:43,398
I got divorce papers,
462
00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,403
and I guess I was
feeling sorry for myself
463
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:47,875
because everybody around me
is in love.
464
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:49,665
Even Darlene,
for God's sake.
465
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:53,280
You don't know what doing worse
than Darlene does to me.
466
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:57,587
Harris, uh,
there's no alternative here.
467
00:19:57,631 --> 00:19:59,681
You're gonna have to
hate her forever.
468
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,420
I know what you're doing,
469
00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:04,461
and I'm not gonna
hate you forever.
470
00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:07,027
Life coach.
You don't lose those muscles.
471
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:11,815
Look, if you want me
to stop seeing him, I will.
472
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,472
No way.
I don't want him now.
473
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,426
I'm not taking
your leftovers.
474
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:17,555
Then what can I do
to make this up to you?
475
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:20,607
That was a really crappy thing
you did,
476
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:22,664
even if you are
old and desperate.
477
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,049
So old, so desperate.
478
00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:25,352
And, I mean,
you see me
479
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:28,048
and I'm so young,
I'm so beautiful,
480
00:20:28,096 --> 00:20:30,266
and I've got my whole life
ahead of me.
481
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:31,396
And I'm at the end.
482
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,487
I've got more yesterdays
than tomorrows.
483
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,021
Tell me the truth.
484
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:38,671
Am I missing out
on a great guy?
485
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:42,625
Well, I don't know.
It was only one dinner.
486
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:45,546
Fine.
Go out with him.
487
00:20:45,592 --> 00:20:47,292
It doesn't matter
to me.
488
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,123
I've got a few hits
on the app anyway.
489
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:52,513
Did you go out
with him, too?
490
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:53,375
No.
491
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:56,264
Does he have a twin?
492
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,255
[ Engine idling, door opens ]
493
00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:05,961
Drive, drive, drive!
494
00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:07,183
[ Tires squeal ]
495
00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:09,572
[ Breathing heavily ]
496
00:21:09,616 --> 00:21:11,836
[ Sighs ] Ohh.
497
00:21:11,879 --> 00:21:14,229
Oh, it's like a cloud.
498
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,623
I have shirts
that aren't this soft.
499
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:17,796
This is ourstash.
500
00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:19,451
The rest of the family
uses the one-ply.
501
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,315
Oh, yeah.
502
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:24,847
Just when you think you're out,
they pull you back in.
503
00:21:24,892 --> 00:21:25,892
[ Sighs ]
504
00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:31,123
--Captions by VITAC--
35798
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