All language subtitles for A.P.Bio.S02E03.Wednesday.Morning.8.AM.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

.

[clock ticking]

[Buck Owens' "I Don't Believe
I'll Fall in Love Today"]

♪

- ♪ I don't believe
I'll fall in love today ♪

- Hiya.
- [screams]

Helen!
Please!

Please feel free
to turn the lights on

when you arrive
in the morning.

- The day I become a member
of the custodial union,

I certainly will, Dale.

- That is not one of the rules.

- Now I can see
what I'm doing here.

[percussive music]

♪

Hi, Ralph.
- Good morning, Helen.

- Oh, the morning
announcements are just--

we're just chock full of 'em.

And we can't be late
like yesterday.

Check this one out.

- "Don't eat the broccoli
in the cafeteria

or you'll get birth defects."
Helen, what is this?

- Food services
couldn't get in the door,

so they left everything
for the whole week

on the front lawn,
and then the landscapers came

and blasted the whole thing
with Roundup.

So the broccoli got
the brunt of it

because it's in bags
with holes.

- Well, Helen, just tell them
to throw the broccoli out.

- What if the announcement is,
"Don't eat broccoli

out of the trash,
now more than ever?"

Make it sound positive.
- Okay.

- Speaking of announcements,
you got 28 minutes, kid.

- Oh, gosh.

- Hi.
- Happy hump day, Jack.

- All right.

- Or, for my dogs,
that's every day.

It can mean just about
anything to them, you know?

Hello, good-bye,
I like your style.

- Oh.
- Hey, you're in my yard.

Get out of here.
- Yeah.

You know,
I'm gonna kill you someday.

- Oh, I'm gonna
kill you first.

- No, really,
you drive me nuts.

- Let's do it.
You wanna go?

- Guy--guys, let's--
- Yeah.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

- We got in trouble.
- Okay.

- Listen, Jack,
I would love to stay and chat,

but these next 28 minutes
decide whether we grab

the ram by the horns or whether
the rams kinda grab us.

Well, the hooves...
[laughs]

I guess it'd be a hug.

[both laughing]

- Ram hug.
Don't wanna get hugged.

- That fell apart.
- Hey, early bird.

What you need?

- Well, I'm just here early
doing a little research

for my new book about
Toledo's working class.

- Mm-hmm.

- I was down in the cafeteria
observing Ronda

and the lunch ladies
as they cheerfully made

about 200 breakfast burritos.
- Mmm.

- And then she was mixing up
about three vats of what she

was calling fiesta tots.
- Mmm.

- So, anyway, I just need
to type up my notes

and I was hoping to do that
in my massage chair.

And you have that, so, uh,
give me it.

- Cricket nipples.

I gave it to Lynette
in accounts payable.

- Oh.

- Because I read that if you
sit on a yoga ball...

- Uh-huh.

- It really strengthens
your groin.

- Does it?

- So you don't have
a dumpy groin.

- Ah.
- And who wants a dumpy groin?

- So, sorry, where is--
where is accounts payable?

I'd like to go
see this Lynette.

- Oh, it's that way.
Left, two rights.

- Left and two rights.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Hi.

- Hi, Sarika.

- Here are all the violations
I witnessed so far today.

- Well, you'd better
tell them to me.

- Dale was ten minutes
late this morning.

- Oh, my God.

- Travis Hexter put the school
up for sale on eBay.

It's at $300.
- That's pretty good.

- Anyway, back to this
roofing debacle.

The guy shows up,
he's a half hour late.

He comes in Mr. Fancy carrying
a coffee like he has

not a care in the world.
I--

- Hi, is this accounts payable?

I was wondering if I could ask
you to part ways

with that chair because--
- No, no.

I run the school's
social media.

Lynette's payroll.

Anyway, my husband says
to the guy,

"How much to get the whole
roof reshingled?"

- The guy says, "Eight thou."

He says, "Eight thou?
Fat chance."

- Hello.
[knocking]

Hi, I'm Jack.

I hate to tell you this,
but you're sitting on a chair

that I technically bought so,
you know,

bottom line is,
that's my chair.

- It's weird to say it's yours
just because you bought it.

Do you know what I mean?

I bought that chipmunk,
but he doesn't belong to me.

He belongs to the world.

- Actually, yes,
you're making a very valid

philosophical point.
No one really owns anything.

Nice, nice.

- It was Jack, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I was named after
my grandfather.

- "My grandfather,"
very formal.

I think I see
what's going on here.

You grew up around horses,
didn't you, Jack?

Which was nice
because Mommy and Daddy

wouldn't give you
a little brother.

After high school,
you ran off to Egypt.

That is, until Daddy said
it's time to come home.

He pulled strings to get you
into Kent State,

a nice little place where you
pledged Beta and played soccer.

But that was too big a pond
for this fish, wasn't it?

So you came crawling back home
to breed your pit bulls

and blow your family's fortune
on online poker.

- None of that is right.

- Yeah.

But can you imagine if it was?

[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[clock ticking]

- He was peeing in the pool,

and he wasn't even
swimming in it.

- Oy.

Thank you, Sarika.
Dave, have you lost weight?

- I keep telling you,
I have a parasite.

- Oh.

- Don't write that down.

- Helen, my office is freezing.

The radiator isn't hissing
like it usually does.

- I'm on it, Ralph.
- Okay.

- Oh, Coach, thank you
for jumping in last minute

for that crossing guard.
- No problem.

It's a real shame about Eugene.

- If I had my way,
no one would ever die.

- I hear you,

although I do worry that
the overpopulation

would lead to people
eatin' each other.

- True.
- Right.

Oh, I didn't realize
there were readin' glasses

in the pocket here.
These must have been Eugene's.

- Oh.
- Yeah, should we, uh...

- Well, I'm sure his
family would want me

to just pitch those.

[sneaky music]

Anything else in the pockets?
- Nothin'.

Nothin', really,
nope.

Oh, pardon me.
Comin' out.

Faculty comin' out.
Move way.

- Oh, here come the hornies.

[clattering]

- Mm, that's...

- What's going on?
Why are you early?

- Well, I--I, uh, I spent
the morning studying

Ronda and the lunch gals,
and then I went to get

my massage chair
from this payroll lady,

but she refused
and did this sort of

verbal jiu-jitsu thing on me.

I couldn't tell what was a joke
and what wasn't.

There was just something
about her.

- Um, are you about to sing?

- No, no, uh, I'm never
about to sing, Anthony.

Murph--Murphy and Nagel.
Yeah, that's it.

"The Myth of Ownership."

Yeah, I--I just figured out
what she was quoting.

[laughs]

I shall have my chair.

I shall have it by the time
school starts.

[percussive music]

[clock ticking]

- Perfect.

[Buck Owens' "I Don't Believe
I'll Fall in Love Today"]

- ♪ For if I did,
I know I wouldn't stay ♪

♪ I just can't make my heart
find someone new... ♪

- No.

[percussive music]

♪

- Welcome to the meat locker.

♪

- Hey, Victor,
look up.

♪

[laughs]
- [sighs]

♪

- Okay, Ralph,

this guy's gonna get
the heating working ASAP.

- All right.

- A--
- [banging]

Okay, here's something sad.

Somebody put a hamster
in the vending machine,

and it's stuck in G9.

[banging]

He's $2, Ralph.

[banging]

He's $2, Ralph.
- All right, here.

- Oh.
- There you go.

- Oh, they tallied
the students' votes

for the new football
stadium name.

- Oh, what name won?

- It's a write-in.

[whispers]
It's Boner Palace.

[banging]

- Hi, Ralph.
- Hey.

- So I have to admit,
it was very hard

to sum up 94 years
of a man's life,

but I think I have
a pretty solid eulogy

for our crossing guard.
- Ooh.

- You still want this on the
morning announcements, right?

- Absolutely.
I loved Eu--Eugene.

Wow, uh, this is--
- [giggles]

- This is really long.

Um, anything you can cut
out of this, maybe?

And quickly, if possible.

- Well, I guess we could
skip the part

about his marital affairs.
- Mmm.

- Although that's
my favorite section.

- Mm, you know what--
[banging]

- [speaking Korean]

- Oh, hey, Mary?

I see you're on
the phone there.

I just wanted to say that
I got $10 of my own money here.

I really didn't even
need to interrupt ya.

There's no headline here.
This is my money.

- Hey, uh, Mary, do you know a
Lynette that works in payro--

Oh, I'm sorry,
you're on the phone.

[chuckles]

- [speaking Korean]

- That begs the question,
why were you talking to her?

- Hey , I got ten
of my own dollars here.

What's with the third degree?

- Okay.

- I says, "When do you think
the roof will be done?"

He says, "In the summer."
I says, "Like hell."

I got a lot of things to do.

- Murphy and Nagel.
[laughs]

Touché, touché.
Yeah, yeah.

I forgot about
Murphy and Nagel's

"The Myth of Ownership."
[laughs]

My chair, please.
- What's happening?

- Well, uh, what we were
talking about before.

You know how you
were saying, like,

that nobody really
owns anything.

I realized you were
quoting Murphy and Nagel.

Yeah, were you
a philosophy major?

- I did not give my money
to one of those places.

Did you really go to school
for four years

to learn something that
is kind of common sense?

- I--I did, yeah.

Nine years, actually.

- Love that.

So you got the other type
of doctor title.

- I did, yeah.
Thank you.

Uh, yeah, which is why
I also know about

Robert Nozick's rebuttal
to Murphy and Nagel.

Not sure if you're familiar
with a little book called

"What's Mine is Mine."

[door closes]
Are we not...

.

[clock ticking]

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I think in order to get
my, uh, massage chair

back from this Lynette,

I'm gonna need to know
everything about her.

I just can't figure out
how someone like her

could be a payroll
employee in Toledo, you know.

You know what, Sarika,
I bet you've got some intel

on Lynette in that good old
snitch notebook of yours, hmm?

- Lynette Marie Hofstadter.

Drives a very large Buick
that takes up two spaces.

Takes frequent
smoke breaks which,

although not against a rule,
are immoral because

she's not smoking.
It's an empty vape pen.

- [laughs]

- [whistles]

Yo, she's actually
out there right now.

- For real?
- For real.

- Where, where, where,
where, where?

Ooh, she is.
Yep, checkmate.

Okay, um, I'm gonna go get
my chair right now.

Uh, Marcus, Anthony, um,
you guys distract her

if she tries to come back in,
okay?

Let's go.
Come on.

Let's go.
Come on, come on.

[laughs]
What's up, man?

Come on.
Can we--can we do this?

- You're gonna have
to adjust to my pace.

- [sighs]
So slow.

Okay.

[percussive music]

♪

- [groans]

[clunks]
[water rushing]

Oh!

[squeaking]

Ah!

[screams]

[groans]
[screams]

Oh!
[groans]

[banging]

- If you're looking
for any feedback,

it is plenty warm.

- Ralph, I thought you should
know that the algebra teachers

are having a huge argument
on the lawn.

Ken was like,
"You still owe me $200."

And Vivek was like, "Well, how
about you take this instead?"

And he grabbed her
right by the groin

and he's twisting,
and there's F-bombs

just raining down.
- Hit them with the sprinklers.

Call Vivek's wife.
Tell her to bring $200.

Tell her
to come immediately.

- Come on, baby.
Come on!

- [speaking Korean]

- Your cousin again?
- Yeah.

We fight a lot, but,
at the end of the day,

it's okay 'cause we really
do hate each other.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

You know, speaking of hate,
did you see those two dudes

fighting out front?
I love a morning skirmish.

- Punching somebody with a
belly full of scrambled eggs?

[both laughing]
- Mary, Mary?

May I please have a moment,
please?

- Oh, sure, Coach.

- Let's see.
[slurping]

[gags]

[coughs]
Gross.

Hazelnut?
Just...

[dramatic music]

Oh, no.
Oh, it's so wet.

Okay.

You got this.
Okay.

Face.
She got a neck,

old neck, saggy neck,
okay.

- What's up, Coach?

- Mary, I told you that
this $10 bill was my own,

but that was a gol dang it lie.
- [scoffs]

If I told you every gol dang it
lie that I tell in a day,

girl, you would
call the police.

- Mary, I stole this
from Eugene.

- Eugene who...
[imitates cutting]

- Passed away of old age, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Him.
This is a dead man's ten.

- [chuckles]
- I am a liar and a thief

and it's killing me.
- Coach, it's fine.

Dead people don't shop.

Just, uh, go get yourself
a breakfast sandwich

or some waffles.
- How about a burrito?

- Sure.
- 'Cause I'd prefer a burrito.

- Yeah, okay, very cool.
Very cool, man.

- Okay.
- All right, there you go.

- Right, not supposed
to have tortillas,

but I think I can
make an exception.

- So the roofing guy's looking
at me, and I'm looking at him.

My husband looks at me,

but I'm still looking
at the other guy.

You got all three of us
in some kind of messed up...

[clattering]
- Oh!

[percussive music]

♪

- [laughs]
And I can tell you...

.

[clock ticking]

- We are locked in a battle
of wits with a worthy opponent.

- That girl you have
a crush on?

- I'm an adult, Marcus.
I don't get crushes.

No, I--but I have come
up with a fairly genius plan

to get my chair back.
Now, follow me here.

It involves capturing a deer,
pref--preferably one

with a broken leg,
otherwise we're gonna have

to break it.
- I'll do it!

- You'll break the deer's leg?
- Yeah.

- Okay, great.

So we know that Lynette locks
the chair when she goes out

for a fake smoke, but,
uh, I think if she hears

an injured, braying deer
in the hall, she might--

- If I can bray convincingly,
can we not have Grace

break the deer's leg?
- [sighs]

Yeah, fine.
Let's hear it.

- [mimics braying]

- We have our deer.

- [shouting]

Get the hell out of here!

[shouting]

[percussive music]

[shouting]

[groans]

[shouting]

[screaming]

[thuds]

- Girl, I think I might be
Coach's only friend.

I'm like,
"I didn't sign up for that."

- No.
[chuckles]

- [groans]

[laughs]
This is rough.

Stef, look at this.
[laughs]

The assignment was to create

a photorealistic portrait
of your grandmother,

not draw a circle with a dang
Panera French loaf on top.

[laughs]

- You know what?
That--that is just mean.

Okay?

Because I think this--this
is very good, if you ask me,

okay, very, very good.

I mean, to--to me, if you were
to say to m--to ask me

if this was very, very good,
this is--you know, so--

I drew this, okay,

because I spit
your nasty-ass coffee

all over Jason's grandma.

And you know I'm not
a good droor.

- Do you mean drawer?

- Well, it's spelled like
a dr--a drawer.

I--I say droor.

D--droor?
Draw-were?

Anyways, I mean, what are we
gonna tell poor little Jason?

[both groan]

[percussive music]

♪

- This is a very good plan,
and I--

and I think it could work.

A lot of it does ride on
whether Ronda the lunch lady

can do an Australian accent,
but I--I bet she can do it.

- Uh--
- Yep.

- Crikey, mate,
I'll take a crack at it.

- Solid.
That's very, very good.

But, if you're doing that,
who's gonna pop out

of the Amazon box,
you know what I mean?

I think we got something here.
I do.

You guys ready?
All right.

Here we go.

- Ralph, the hamster,
we got him out from G9,

but he tumbled down to H16,
so he's $4 now.

- Damn it.
- I'll--I'll get it.

I'll--I'll get it.

- Michelle, do you have
something nice

and short for me?

- "Hey, that crossing
guard is dead.

"He was a proud vet who killed
a lot of Japanese people

"and cheated on his wife.

"But today let us think
of Eugene in his orange vest

"watching over all of us,

watching everything we do."

- Oh, what have I become?

[dramatic music]

[percussive music]

- [mimics braying]

- I believe there's
an injured deer in the hall.

- Well, according to state,
the fire...

- That sounded great, dude.

- Now he's here on Tuesday.

Well, Tuesday's the day
they do street sweeping.

- Leverage.

- So I says to the roofing guy,
Bruce,

"You gotta move your truck,
or it's gonna get towed."

He says, "My name's not Bruce."

I says, "Who the hell are you,
been on my roof all day?"

- Hey, there.

This is your
teacher's chair so...

Oh, wow.

♪

- [groans]

[chuckles]
Hey.

.

[clock ticking]

- Oh, my God,
I did it.

I found the Toledo Strangler.

- [laughs]

Yeah, no, this--that's funny.

Um, this is actually
all 100% biology,

and it's not a crazy plan
to get my chair back.

- Although it does
say right there,

"Get my chair back
from Lynette."

- Do you think you're the only
Lynette in this whole school

that has a chair that I want?

- My mistake.

- [chuckles]

- Just gonna grab this.

That's mine.

- Thanks, yep.

- You got it.

- Wipeout.

♪

- Nonathlete,
do you want this burrito?

- Sure.

- Fair warning:
it belongs to a dead man.

[dramatic music]

♪

The curse is yours now.

♪

- I am so sick and tired
of you guys spitting coffee

on each other's artwork.

- 'Cause this sweet nugget
of a boy does not deserve

to have coffee spat on his art.

The madness has got to stop.

- Look at this
sweet little egg.

- I mean, who would wanna hurt
these sweet baby egg cheeks?

- Who would do that?
- Who would do that?

- Oh, time to ring the bell.
Toot, toot.

- Oh, time to ring the biz-ell.

[water splashing]

[Buck Owens' "I Don't Believe
I'll Fall in Love Today"]

♪

- ♪ I don't believe
I'll fall in love today ♪

[percussive music]

- Hey, hey, Lynette.

Uh, I--
[chuckles]

I have a really
embarrassing confession.

I stole your chipmunk.
- Oh, my God.

- And I'm sorry.
And here you go.

- Yeah, I have a confession
to make too.

I stole your wallet
off your desk.

- Oh.
- You know what?

You keep the chipmunk.
- Really?

- Yeah.

I'll figure out a way
to get him back.

- You know what?
Keep my wallet.

Yeah, I'll figure out a way--
actually, no.

Uh, no, I--I need that back.

That's--that's got
my money in it.

- That's fair.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Ten seconds.

- All right, give me a tight,
short eulogy, Michelle.

- Uh, Eugene cheated
on his wife and died.

- Nailed. It.

- Five, four--

Oh, jeez, the east bathroom's
flooding big time.

- The east--are you--
flooding?

- Three, two, one.
- Hello, faculty and students.

I'm Principal Durbin,

and these are your
morning announcements.

Let's grab today by the horns

and make this a wonderful
Whitlock Wednesday.

We got lots, we got lots,
we got lots of tater tots.