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1
00:00:04,134 --> 00:00:04,352
.
2
00:00:04,395 --> 00:00:08,312
- Hey, Ralph,
I need $30,000.
3
00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:10,053
- Whoa, that is a hot entrance.
4
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,142
- Ralph,
I need my drops please.
5
00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:14,188
My eyes are hungy.
6
00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:16,059
- All right, Helen.
Here we go.
7
00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:18,018
- Oh, gimme!
8
00:00:18,061 --> 00:00:19,323
[groans]
- There you go.
9
00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:21,238
[groans]
Oh, yummy, yummy.
10
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:22,631
- Okay, what's wrong, Jack?
11
00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:25,503
- Yeah, well, so last night
I was driving home
12
00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:28,419
and some creature like a deer
or maybe a bum,
13
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:30,856
something, who knows,
leapt 10 feet into the fog
14
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:32,249
right in front of my car.
15
00:00:32,293 --> 00:00:34,164
So I swerved, you know,
saving the bum's life--
16
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:35,513
- No, this sounds like a deer.
17
00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:37,472
Bums can only jump
like 4 or 5 feet.
18
00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:40,257
- Well, either way, you know,
I swerved, and I hit a tree,
19
00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:41,519
and I totaled my car,
all right?
20
00:00:41,563 --> 00:00:43,217
So this morning I called
an Uber
21
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:45,306
and got gouged because
of some scam
22
00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:46,916
called "Surge Pricing"
or something.
23
00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:48,265
Anyway, to get my money's worth
24
00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:49,962
I grabbed all the stupid
amenities.
25
00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:53,792
Point being, I'm gonna need a
$30,000 advance for a new car.
26
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:55,446
- I enjoy a Jeep Rubicon.
27
00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:57,187
- Ooh, love that.
Might go Rubicon.
28
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,320
- Okay, we really don't have
the budget for that,
29
00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:02,453
but we've been missing
a Driver's Ed teacher
30
00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:03,715
ever since Linda disappeared.
31
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,021
- Oh, Linda.
32
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,371
- You'd have 24/7 access
to the car.
33
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:08,416
- Okay, well, what--
what kind of wheels
34
00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:09,765
are we talking about here?
35
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:15,075
- We are talking about V4,
automatic,
36
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:16,902
big sign on the roof.
37
00:01:16,946 --> 00:01:18,034
- Is she fast?
38
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,818
- No.
39
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:21,646
- I accept.
- Yeah.
40
00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:24,214
- All right. You want a mint?
- Yes.
41
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:25,433
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
42
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,087
- One, two, three, four!
43
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,915
- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
44
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:33,267
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
45
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:40,578
♪
46
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,580
[door clicks]
- Everybody, shut up.
47
00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,539
Attention, attention,
everybody.
48
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:48,108
All right, Grace,
your attention please. Jeez.
49
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,849
Well, I'll assume that you all
heard that I've humbled myself
50
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:53,461
by accepting the position of
Driver's Ed instructor,
51
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,332
and apparently,
that position requires
52
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:56,768
a valid driver's license.
53
00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:58,727
So last night,
I was searching my apartment
54
00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:01,077
and I found this.
55
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,471
This is a letter from Saint
Benedict's Catholic Church
56
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:06,256
thanking my dead mother's
estate
57
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:10,130
for her bequest of $12,000
58
00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:14,134
which they used to buy
a statue of the Virgin Mary.
59
00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:19,139
So dome money-grubbing priest
60
00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:21,445
barged in on my dead mom's
deathbed
61
00:02:21,489 --> 00:02:24,187
and conned her out of
her life savings. Nice.
62
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:27,451
- And you were there for this
unlikely sequence of events?
63
00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:29,279
- Well, no, Dan,
I wasn't there-there.
64
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,715
I was stuck in Cambridge,
but you know how
65
00:02:30,759 --> 00:02:32,761
these clergy work.
- Mr. Griffin,
66
00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,980
do you maybe have something
against the church?
67
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:38,636
- Try 13 years
of Sunday School.
68
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,336
Every week hearing what
a bad little boy you've become.
69
00:02:42,379 --> 00:02:44,294
The sisters of
perpetual torment
70
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:46,470
making you feel like Pol Pot
71
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,429
because you stuck gum under
a pew one time.
72
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:50,866
Well, I'm not bad.
They're bad!
73
00:02:52,955 --> 00:02:55,175
Anyway, the fact of the matter
is that's my statue
74
00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:56,915
and with your help
75
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:58,221
I'm gonna steal it from them.
76
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,789
- That's pretty metal.
77
00:03:02,791 --> 00:03:05,402
- Mr. Griffin, stealing from
a church feels pretty low
78
00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:07,012
even for you.
79
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:08,275
- I go to Saint Benedict's
80
00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:09,928
every Sunday
with my grandmother.
81
00:03:09,972 --> 00:03:12,496
I'm in the choir.
They let me sing Rihanna.
82
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,672
I want no part of this.
83
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:17,066
- Is that how everybody feels?
84
00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:19,851
Yeah?
Grace?
85
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:23,115
Wow. Okay, fine.
Yeah.
86
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,988
Mission aborted.
87
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:29,034
Have it your way, guys.
Really appreciate it.
88
00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:31,167
All right, let's see. Ah!
89
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,648
Anthony, Victor, and Heather,
90
00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:35,824
I'll see you at 2:00
for Driver's Ed,
91
00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:37,260
but don't expect to have
a good time
92
00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:39,349
because I am in a mood.
93
00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:41,003
[bell rings]
94
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:43,658
- At night do you keep, like,
a baseball bat beside your bed
95
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:45,181
in case a home invader
comes in?
96
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,965
- I have a straight up machete.
97
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:48,445
- I have a fork,
98
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:50,665
and if I'm being honest,
under it is a plate
99
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:53,015
and around it is spaghetti.
100
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:54,669
- Wow, this is a real quizzer.
101
00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,410
My friend sent me
a bunch of emojis
102
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,412
and I have no idea
what this means.
103
00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:02,546
- Ooh, is it something juicy,
something filthy?
104
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:05,636
- First there's a doctor,
then there's a lady in a dress,
105
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:09,074
then a martini,
martini, and a martini,
106
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:12,817
a hotel, a pill,
a sleepy face,
107
00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:16,081
a needle, a "What? Who, me?"
Kind of shrug,
108
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:17,648
and then money, money, money,
109
00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:20,608
lady in a bathing suit,
and a palm tree island.
110
00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:23,263
- Helen,
I think your friend's about
111
00:04:23,306 --> 00:04:25,221
to murder a doctor for money.
112
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,006
- But she's married
to a doctor--
113
00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:30,574
Oh, my Gondo.
114
00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:37,407
- Doing great, Vic.
Little slow.
115
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,627
You also seem terrified.
116
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,891
Okay, Victor,
bust a U-Turn here.
117
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,414
- When do I signal?
118
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,373
Now? Is it already too late?
119
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:48,505
- Signaling is,
it's pretty optional.
120
00:04:48,549 --> 00:04:50,115
[clanking]
Oh.
121
00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:52,770
Yeah, you're gonna want to make
your way back to the road.
122
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:54,990
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
123
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:57,775
- Okay, let's just,
we're gonna find our way back.
124
00:04:57,819 --> 00:04:59,081
[rumbling]
125
00:04:59,124 --> 00:05:00,474
Kay, yeah, now go ahead
and hit the brakes.
126
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:02,302
There you go.
127
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:06,001
- Um, why are we at my church?
128
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:11,354
- It's on, baby.
129
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:13,530
Ugh. Wow.
130
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:16,011
Okay, I botched that.
Let's forget the hat thing.
131
00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:18,405
All right, come on.
Everybody out.
132
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:19,667
Let's go.
133
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:22,365
.
134
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:24,802
- Are you crazy? My grandma
and I come here every week.
135
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,674
I am not helping you
steal a statue.
136
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,284
- Well,
we can't steal something
137
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,721
that's already rightfully mine,
so problem solved.
138
00:05:30,765 --> 00:05:32,027
You don't see Victor
complaining.
139
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:34,116
- I'm just happy
to be out of the car.
140
00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:35,247
- Right.
141
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,946
- I almost had
a nervous movement.
142
00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:40,296
[whispering] A poo.
- Yeah, I know--
143
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,037
Good to know,
thanks for sharing.
144
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,300
All right, look, Anthony,
you're already an accessory.
145
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,302
Okay, you're in too deep,
buddy.
146
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,130
Plus you're the strongest
one here.
147
00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:50,219
I need your help carrying
this thing.
148
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:54,528
- Fine, but only because you
appeal to my sense of vanity.
149
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:57,052
- Got A-Train.
- Got A-Train, all right.
150
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,491
Maybe a little quicker?
- You get what you get!
151
00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:03,841
- Get what I get, all right.
152
00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:06,017
Come on.
153
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,808
[suspenseful music]
154
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:15,766
♪
155
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:19,030
[sighs] Okay, come on.
Let's go.
156
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:28,126
[whispering] Okay, here.
Come on.
157
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:30,302
We gotta spread this.
158
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:31,652
Spread this.
159
00:06:31,695 --> 00:06:33,567
Okay.
160
00:06:33,610 --> 00:06:36,526
Tip it. Tip it.
161
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,049
Go, go, go.
162
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,399
[all grunting]
163
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,054
Anthony, ready?
Go on three.
164
00:06:43,098 --> 00:06:46,144
On three.
One, two...
165
00:06:46,188 --> 00:06:49,365
[rock music]
166
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:56,416
♪
167
00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:07,470
Come on. Okay. All right.
168
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:08,993
What are you doing?
Why are you driving?!
169
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:10,995
- I don't know!
170
00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:12,736
- All right. [muttering]
171
00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:15,435
Go, go, go.
172
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:17,959
[tires screech]
173
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,702
Come on, man,
one pedal at a time.
174
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:24,400
What is happening?
175
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,054
Go!
176
00:07:26,097 --> 00:07:27,621
Come on, Vic.
You got it, buddy.
177
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,623
Let's go.
178
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,625
["Didn't It Rain"
by Fern Jones]
179
00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:35,019
- ♪ Didn't it rain and
rain and rain children ♪
180
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:37,065
♪ Rain oh my Lord
181
00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:39,284
♪ Didn't it
didn't it ♪
182
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:42,592
♪ Didn't it
oh oh my Lord ♪
183
00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:44,551
♪ Did it rain
184
00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:46,509
♪ Tell me didn't it rain
and rain ♪
185
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,903
- Jack, Jack, yeah,
I don't want to alarm you.
186
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:50,731
- This is bad.
Real nightmare stuff.
187
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,602
- I just got off the phone with
Saint Benedict's Church.
188
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,605
Someone stole a statue from
there yesterday afternoon.
189
00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:59,653
One of the priests saw
the Whitlock High Dri--
190
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,047
The Whitlock High
Driver's Ed car
191
00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:05,267
speeding away from the scene
of the crime.
192
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:07,269
- Did they see who did it
or how many kids?
193
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,271
- No, just the car.
Did you see anything?
194
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,360
- Did I see--
No, I just had a lesson,
195
00:08:11,403 --> 00:08:12,927
and then I came back to school,
196
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:14,842
put my keys right
in the middle of my desk
197
00:08:14,885 --> 00:08:18,933
and went to work on my book
in the library alone.
198
00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:20,151
- One of your students
199
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:21,544
must have taken the keys
off the desk,
200
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:22,937
borrowed the car...
- Yep.
201
00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:24,591
- Stolen the statue.
202
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,549
Now I'm gonna cross-reference
which one of your students
203
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:29,247
is a middle child because
they look for attention.
204
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:31,815
- It seems like you might have
a juggalo in your class.
205
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:36,341
- Yep. Yes, this all feels like
a very credible hypothesis.
206
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,606
Let's find this middle child
juggalo.
207
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,477
- The church wants to handle
this quietly,
208
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,436
but they're sending someone
to the school
209
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,177
and they're gonna have to talk
to your students.
210
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:47,744
- We need to find this punk,
211
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:50,921
but it's gonna be tough
because without the makeup
212
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:52,532
juggalos looks like
everyone else.
213
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:56,013
It could be someone you work
with every day.
214
00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:04,195
- Well, bad news, kiddos.
We pooched it.
215
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:06,720
Yep. The church knows someone
used the Driver's Ed car
216
00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:08,025
to steal the statue.
217
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:09,723
Anyway, it's no big deal.
218
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,812
They think that any of you
could have taken my keys,
219
00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:14,728
so the church is sending some
fuddy-duddy priest down here
220
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:17,557
to play Columbo
and ask you all some questions.
221
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,168
Look, most of you just need to
tell the truth, you know?
222
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,517
After school,
you were engaged
223
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,824
in various extracurricular
activities.
224
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,434
Lacrosse,
glee club,
225
00:09:25,477 --> 00:09:26,827
anything that lets me hold on
to my mom's statue.
226
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,742
I don't care. All right,
Heather, Victor, Anthony,
227
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:30,613
you guys just need to come up
with an easy alibi.
228
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,659
Something simple.
Something you can stick to.
229
00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:35,270
- And it can be anything.
230
00:09:35,313 --> 00:09:37,794
- Okay, now this attitude
immediately worries me.
231
00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:39,013
- Got it.
232
00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:41,842
I was on a date with--
233
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,887
- A supermodel.
234
00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,149
- Pew!
235
00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:47,412
- No. No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
236
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:49,023
Come up with something better
than that.
237
00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:50,981
Heather, I know you'll come up
with something great.
238
00:09:51,025 --> 00:09:52,200
Anthony, you good?
239
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:53,549
- The only reason
I'm doing this
240
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,029
is so my grandma doesn't
find out
241
00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:56,639
and for the record,
I'm not thrilled
242
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,946
about lying to a priest.
243
00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:00,556
- Awesome, so we're good.
244
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,384
Yeah, everybody just needs
to stay strong and,
245
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:03,777
you know, everything'll be--
246
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:06,780
[ominous music]
247
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:08,303
♪
248
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:11,698
- What is it, boss?
249
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:13,047
Boss?
250
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:20,271
♪
251
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:24,188
- [whimpering]
252
00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:25,799
Nuns.
253
00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:28,628
They sent nuns.
254
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:31,369
.
255
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,894
- [stammering] Do you guys
think they saw me?
256
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,156
- Saw you?
What are you talking about?
257
00:10:35,199 --> 00:10:36,679
- It's a simple question,
Sarika.
258
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:39,856
That pod of nuns.
Did they see me?
259
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,119
God, it's hot in here
and getting louder.
260
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:43,599
Everybody, just--
just back off me.
261
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,906
Okay, stop looking at me.
Grace!
262
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,472
- Okay.
263
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:50,214
- Oh, God!
No, Durbin, bad, bad!
264
00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:51,651
Do not sneak up on me
like that.
265
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,043
- Sorry, Jack.
266
00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:55,829
It's these dress Toms.
They are so quiet.
267
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:57,787
They're ready to start
the interview.
268
00:10:57,831 --> 00:11:00,050
Sarika, you're up first,
269
00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:03,663
and I will look into getting
louder shoes.
270
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:04,925
- [clears throat]
271
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,404
- All right, Sarika,
you got this.
272
00:11:06,448 --> 00:11:08,015
It's gonna be fine.
Just stick to your story,
273
00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:10,931
and don't let them use
their powers on you.
274
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:15,065
- Mr. Griffin, do you believe
the nuns have special powers?
275
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:16,327
- A little.
276
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,590
I do, I think they have
a little bit of magic.
277
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,157
- Okay.
278
00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:23,813
- Sarika, just don't look them
directly in the eyes, okay?
279
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:26,773
Sarika, just to be safe!
280
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:31,081
[ominous pipe organ music]
281
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:35,042
♪
282
00:11:36,217 --> 00:11:37,914
- Sarika Sarkar.
283
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:40,874
What unfortunate circumstances
bring us together today.
284
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,832
But what a lovely jacket.
285
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:45,052
- Oh, thank you.
I got it at the store--
286
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:47,271
- You know, Sarika,
the Bible says that in the end
287
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:52,320
liars will reside in
the lake that burns with fire.
288
00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:56,759
Where were you between
2:00 and 5:00 yesterday?
289
00:11:56,803 --> 00:12:00,415
- I was--
- Sit up.
290
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:03,113
- I was at study hall.
291
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:05,681
- Really?
292
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,815
- I was watching sports.
- What game?
293
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:11,382
- It was porn.
294
00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:13,602
You guys are good.
295
00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,343
- I...
296
00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:19,390
okay, this lady has not blinked
since I been in here.
297
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:20,696
Does she ever blink?
298
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,480
- I drink, I cuss,
I sleep around.
299
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:23,917
What are you gonna do about it?
300
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,789
- I don't think you do
any of those things.
301
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,617
- I use the b-word sometimes.
302
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,140
- Who hasn't?
303
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:33,622
- Damn it,
where's my damn Splenda?!
304
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,667
- Michelle.
305
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:38,279
- [gasp] Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
306
00:12:38,322 --> 00:12:40,890
- Well,
that's still seven Hail Marys.
307
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,111
[laughter]
- There we go.
308
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:45,982
- Okay, cool nun,
you got jokes.
309
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,505
- Are you allowed to do that?
310
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:48,985
- Yes, we're allowed to joke.
311
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:50,770
- Are you allowed
to skateboard?
312
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:51,858
What's the deal with
that whole thing?
313
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,990
- I think we can skateboard.
314
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:55,557
- So do you get your
own clothes
315
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,646
or just, like,
grab one of those
316
00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:59,779
off a big pile every morning?
317
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,563
- Uh...
- Can you cuddle?
318
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:02,825
- That's a gray area.
319
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:05,959
- Have you ever eaten
a jalapeno?
320
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,831
- Once.
- Ooh, you're a bad girl.
321
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,833
- In Rome.
all: Ooh.
322
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,922
- Oh, she got a Roman jalapeno.
323
00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:14,619
- I said we should go
Yogurtland
324
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:17,274
because they know me there.
She didn't want to
325
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,842
because of her modeling,
but I said that
326
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,409
I thought she looked
really good
327
00:13:21,452 --> 00:13:23,933
regardless of how much
yogurt she ate
328
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:27,197
because I'm a very body
positive type of--
329
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:31,332
- It seems our thief left
a glass slipper at the scene.
330
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:35,858
Does this retainer
look familiar?
331
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:38,078
- Oh, that's not mine.
332
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:40,384
- There's only way to find out.
333
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:42,734
- What?
334
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:44,649
- Open.
335
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,869
[ominous music]
336
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:49,132
♪
337
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:53,006
- Hey, hey, how'd it go?
Did you cave?
338
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,703
You caved.
I knew you'd cave.
339
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:56,487
Damn it, Victor!
- I didn't cave.
340
00:13:56,531 --> 00:13:58,838
They think I'm innocent.
- Yes, you're my rock, Vic!
341
00:13:58,881 --> 00:14:00,491
[laughs]
Always have been.
342
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,885
- I think we've got bigger
problems though.
343
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:04,887
They found a retainer
at the church
344
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:07,324
and they made me try it on.
345
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:09,587
- What?
346
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,720
- Oh, no.
My retainer's gone.
347
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:13,156
It must have fallen
out of my pocket.
348
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,028
- No, Anthony, once they make
you try it on,
349
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:16,420
they'll see that it fits,
350
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:18,248
and then they'll have
us dead to rights.
351
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,424
The nuns win.
352
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:21,861
[pipe organ music]
353
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:25,386
This is what I get for being
a bad little boy.
354
00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:28,432
.
355
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:30,391
- I mean, all they're gonna see
356
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:31,914
is a teacher who stole
from a church.
357
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:33,350
They're not gonna care
that I was a good boy
358
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:35,091
who was trying to avenge
his dead mother.
359
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:37,224
I mean, I--I'm screwed.
360
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:38,486
- We all are.
361
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:42,403
- [whimpering]
362
00:14:42,446 --> 00:14:44,231
- They only have evidence
on me.
363
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,146
No one else has to get
in trouble.
364
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:48,061
- What?
365
00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:49,932
You'd take the fall?
366
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:51,760
Sweet, sweet Anthony,
would you do that?
367
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:53,153
I could kiss you.
368
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:55,198
- I'll try and keep that
in mind when my grandmother
369
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:57,070
wants nothing to do with me.
370
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:59,681
- Yeah.
371
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:03,946
Anthony,
I appreciate the gesture,
372
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,557
but is the sad walk really
necessary?
373
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,429
Come on, man.
Look, I know it's my fault,
374
00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:10,170
but I was just trying
to avenge my mother.
375
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:11,867
Anthony.
Come on, man.
376
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,695
Look at me.
377
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:16,611
[groans]
Anthony, wait, wait, wait.
378
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:17,786
All right, look,
there's only one way
379
00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:19,222
to get rid of these Dementors.
380
00:15:19,266 --> 00:15:21,572
- Patronus.
[indistinct chatter]
381
00:15:21,616 --> 00:15:23,618
- No, we need to get the statue
back to the church
382
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,620
before they figure out
who stole it.
383
00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:27,839
Heather, Victor, Anthony,
I need you to pick it up
384
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:29,798
and sneak it back
into the church.
385
00:15:29,841 --> 00:15:33,106
We'll add Dan Decker
for muscle.
386
00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:35,760
- [scoffs]
Schwing.
387
00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:37,197
- What are you going to do?
388
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,026
- I'm gonna go stall
those nuns.
389
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:42,115
[ominous music]
390
00:15:42,158 --> 00:15:44,465
[knocking at door]
391
00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:47,859
Hi, how are you--
how are you doing?
392
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,383
- I'm sorry.
Who are you?
393
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:51,646
- Oh, right. Duh.
394
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:54,127
I'm Jack.
I'm the Driver's Ed professor.
395
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:58,740
Just thought maybe I could
help you guys crack this case.
396
00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:01,177
It is hot as hel--
it is hot in here.
397
00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:05,138
Can I--
do you mind if I?
398
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,009
Very, very dry.
399
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:10,230
[sighs] Have you guys checked
the Protestants?
400
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:11,796
They hate you guys.
401
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,495
- Be quiet.
- Oh.
402
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:17,367
- What did you say
your name was again?
403
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:18,978
- Jack.
404
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:22,677
Jack... Griffin.
405
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,114
- Are you Rosemary's son?
406
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:30,511
- Yep.
That's right.
407
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:32,208
[gasps]
408
00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:33,557
[ominous tone]
409
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:35,516
- Ooh, there's one.
410
00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:37,474
Victor, there's--
and there's another one.
411
00:16:37,518 --> 00:16:39,041
Just park.
412
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:42,784
- That's a sideways one.
I can only do ones like this.
413
00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:44,307
- Can we just hurry up already?
414
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:46,179
- Yo, Vic,
can I please just park, Vic?
415
00:16:46,222 --> 00:16:48,094
- I need to learn.
416
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:49,791
- Kay, well then, pull in.
417
00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:51,184
- Don't need to learn, bruh.
418
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,012
- Am I gonna hit that?
- Just park.
419
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:55,405
- You have to re-attack it.
[overlapping chatter]
420
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:58,060
Oh, my God.
- Back up. Back up.
421
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:00,715
- Imagine how good I'm gonna be
at driving though?
422
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,195
Like, after all of this,
I'm gonna be,
423
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:03,718
like, really good at driving.
424
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:07,983
- Victor. Victor.
Wait, what are you doing?
425
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,507
- This is how parking works.
- No, Victor.
426
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:12,118
- Stop--[screams]
427
00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:15,556
- So it was your mother's
statue that went missing
428
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:19,777
and your Driver's Ed car
at the scene of the crime.
429
00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:23,825
Wouldn't you say
that was intriguing?
430
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:27,089
- I mean, I wouldn't exactly
call it "The DaVinci Code."
431
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,569
- [laughs]
432
00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:30,092
Hostility.
433
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:34,749
Often the cloak of a man
who feels guilt.
434
00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:36,533
- Well, I didn't steal
the statue, so...
435
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:39,623
[glass shakes]
436
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:43,453
- I wasn't talking about that,
Jack.
437
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:46,065
I was talking about
your mother.
438
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:49,590
You didn't spend much time with
her in her final years,
439
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,679
did you, Jack?
440
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:55,117
- Some, yeah, not much.
441
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,553
We spoke on the phone quite
a bit--
442
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,077
I was busy.
443
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:04,039
- We're all busy, Jack,
but we also make choices.
444
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:06,737
- Did you--
445
00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:11,655
[sneaky music]
446
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:15,442
♪
447
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:17,400
- It must weigh heavy on you.
448
00:18:17,444 --> 00:18:22,971
All the trips home you canceled
because a meeting came up.
449
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:25,974
All the birthdays you missed
450
00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:30,239
because you were out making
a name for yourself.
451
00:18:30,283 --> 00:18:31,980
Do you even know
452
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:35,897
what your mother's favorite
cake was, Jack?!
453
00:18:37,507 --> 00:18:38,856
- Easy.
Choc--
454
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:40,075
- Carrot!
455
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,468
- Yep, carrot.
456
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,557
- You were about
to say chocolate.
457
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:44,949
- That's funny.
I feel like--
458
00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:46,995
I feel like I heard myself
say carrot.
459
00:18:47,038 --> 00:18:54,045
♪
460
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:14,240
- I'll tell you why
you stole your mother's statue.
461
00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:16,459
Because you resent us
462
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,679
because we were there
for her when you were not.
463
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,376
- No!
That's not true.
464
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,857
That's not true.
No.
465
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,816
You took advantage of her when
she was old and weak.
466
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,731
- Did we?
- Mm-hmm.
467
00:19:27,775 --> 00:19:32,432
- Or did we give her the
company you failed to provide?
468
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:34,999
Admit it!
For her!
469
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:38,220
[ominous, dramatic music]
470
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:41,702
- Yeah, yes.
471
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:43,617
Yes, I feel guilty.
472
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,793
I should have been there
for my mom,
473
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:47,664
and I wasn't.
474
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,275
All right, yeah, okay,
I was selfish
475
00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:52,234
and I let her die alone
and I should have been there.
476
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:56,456
- And that's why you stole
the statue.
477
00:19:56,499 --> 00:19:58,284
- Okay.
[laughs]
478
00:19:58,327 --> 00:20:01,591
[cell phone ringing]
479
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:07,858
- Hm.
480
00:20:11,949 --> 00:20:14,082
- It appears a miracle
has occurred
481
00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:17,955
and your mother's statue
has been returned.
482
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:24,397
- Wow. Cool.
So you got your statue back?
483
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,789
- Yep.
- That's great.
484
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:26,964
Yeah, and I was here
the whole time
485
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:28,836
so it couldn't have been me.
486
00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:32,448
Holy cow--wow.
[laughing]
487
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:36,800
Stuff got crazy in here
for a second there, didn't it?
488
00:20:36,844 --> 00:20:40,587
I'm sorry.
You guys seem nice.
489
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:43,764
All right, well...
[sighs]
490
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:47,028
I'm outta here.
491
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,292
- [gasps]
492
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:51,728
- Spooky day, huh?
493
00:20:51,772 --> 00:20:53,164
You guys did good.
494
00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:55,950
Here,
I swiped this off the desk.
495
00:20:55,993 --> 00:20:58,866
- Thanks, Mr. Griffin.
- Mm-hmm.
496
00:21:00,911 --> 00:21:04,306
Oh, and, uh...
497
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:06,874
I want you to know
I think it's great
498
00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:09,398
that you spend time
with your grandma.
499
00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:12,880
You're gonna feel good about
that when she's dead.
35529
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