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YTS.MX
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YTS.MX
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[upbeat music]
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[audience cheering]
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Woman 1: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
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Sarah Millican!
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Ah!
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Ooh! [laughs]
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What a lovely warm welcome.
Thank you so much.
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You're so kind. How the fuck
are you? Are you well?
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Well, I'm glad. Give us a cheer
if you're at the top level.
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[audience cheering]
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Second.
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[audience cheering]
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They're not sure which level
they're on,
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are they, those ones...
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Third.
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[audience cheering]
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Downstairs.
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[audience cheering]
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We're all here.
Let's get fuckin' crackin'.
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Thank you so much for comin'.
It's so lovely to see you all.
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I've been on tour since January.
I absolutely love being on tour.
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I do love drivin', obviously,
when we're on tour,
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and I've discovered recently
that I get a touch of road rage.
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Anybody else get road rage?
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Yeah? I do the shoutin'
and the swearin'.
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But my favorite thing
is the hand gestures.
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I love the hand gestures.
I do all three of them.
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I don't know if you know
there's three.
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I start with that one.
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It's a classic, isn't it?
And then I do that one.
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And they don't always see that
from the other car,
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so you do have to tilt
your pelvis up quite high
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00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:07,083
and mime a cock bigger than one
that ever existed.
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And the third one I do
is this one. Oh!
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And that's when I realize that's
not one of them, is it? Oh!
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I'm so annoyed by your drivin',
I'm gonna suck your cock for ya.
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It's not one of them.
Oh, you guys are fun.
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This is gonna be fun.
I can tell already.
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00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,020
[laughs]
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I have been doing standup
for 13 years.
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I absolutely love my job.
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When I first
started doing standup,
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it was off the back
of a divorce.
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So a lot of what I talked about
on stage was divorce related.
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And I did a gig in the
early days in Kidderminster.
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[laughs] That is so weird,
'cause you don't normally cheer
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when you're actually
in fuckin' Kidderminster.
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But a man came up to me
after I've been on stage
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and he said, "I've got
two things to say to you."
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I said, "Oh, really?
What are they?" He said...
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"The first thing" he said is,
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"Fuck me
what you've been through."
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I said, "I'm alright, flower.
Thanks anyway, but I'm alright."
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00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:06,664
I said,
"What's the second thing?"
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He said, "Fuck me."
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Same words,
very different intonation.
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I just ran to my car
as quickly as I could
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'cause I needed to get him home.
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That bit's not true.
I really wish it was.
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I just ran to my car
and went home on my own.
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I was too scared. I've never
been that confident sexually.
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Not like that. I've never been
like, "Fuck me."
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I've never been like that,
like that. Unh!
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Can't get away with that, can I?
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I'm not sure anybody can
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who's in a party dress
and plimsolls.
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[laughs] But even, like,
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in the intervening years,
things haven't changed.
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I've been with the same bloke
now for 12 years
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and even now
I'm still a bit like,
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"I mean, do you fancy it?"
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"Should I wash it?"
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"Would that help?"
Probably it would.
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That's good to fuckin' know,
isn't it?
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But before I start, properly
I need to tell you somethin'.
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[laughs]
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If at any point during
the show, I stand a bit funny,
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00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,293
like, maybe I stick
me leg out like this
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00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:12,948
or lift it up like this,
anything where you think
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"What the fuck
is she doing with her leg?"
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00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:18,388
It's because I've literally just
put a clean sanitary towel on.
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00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:33,795
And it hasn't molded
to me body yet.
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And then the problem
is there's a little bit of wing
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stuck to me thigh.
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And I'm at the horniest part
of my menstrual cycle.
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So you've been fuckin' warned.
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I just want somebody
to hit it with a spoon,
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just a wooden spoon
or a ladle,
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not a teaspoon, 'cause I'll only
fuckin' lose that in there.
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I'm feeling much better
having told you that.
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Thanks everybody.
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00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,133
I was talkin' to a friend
of mine.
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I've got quite low self-esteem
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00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:12,050
and my friend was tryin'
to sort of cheer me up.
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And she said,
"I think you're a fox."
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I said, "Shut up,
I'm not a fox."
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She said, "You are.
I think you're a fox."
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I said,
"Shut up, I'm not a fox."
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And then I had to think
about it, and I thought
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maybe I am a fox and that
I regularly eat out of bins.
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I was in a hotel in London.
I'd been at work.
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I brought a croissant to eat
when I got back,
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but, of course, when I got back,
I didn't want a croissant.
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I wanted something
from room service,
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something with gravy on.
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So I put the croissant in the
bin and then I fell asleep.
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When I woke up and it was
too late for room service,
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I got the croissant back out
of the bin and I ate it.
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When I told my friend I'd eaten
a croissant out of a bin,
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and she went, "Ooh, posh."
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And the name I do sometimes
call myself as a reverse hulk.
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Do you remember the Hulk?
The Incredible Hulk? Yes?
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Yeah, I'm a reverse hulk
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because I burst out of clothes
and then get mad.
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00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:06,583
It's lovely to be here.
I do miss my little dog
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00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,672
when I'm on the road. I've got
a little dog. He's adorable.
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He's a rescue dog.
He's very sweet.
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00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:11,893
He doesn't get on
with other dogs.
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00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:13,590
So that's the one problem
we have with him.
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He will bark at all other dogs.
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But I just use the fact that
he's a rescue if that comes up.
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So, say, I'm out walkin' him
and he barks at another dog,
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the other owner will look at me,
like, "Control your dog."
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And I'll just turn to her
and I'll say,
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"I'm really sorry...
but he's a rescue."
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And then she'll turn to me
and she'll say,
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00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,701
"I'm so sorry for what
he's been through."
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00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:41,226
When the truth is,
his owner died and we got him.
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That's what he's been through.
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00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,927
You can't do that with blokes,
can you?
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00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,541
If a bloke's fightin' in a pub,
you can't go,
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00:06:51,585 --> 00:06:55,240
"I'm really sorry...
but he's a rescue."
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00:06:57,068 --> 00:07:00,550
"Just found him wanderin'
around Debenhams on his own."
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00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,247
"And we've checked
and he's not married,
137
00:07:02,291 --> 00:07:03,727
'cause he hasn't been chipped."
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00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,862
The dog hurt his paw
a few months ago.
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00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:09,907
Hurt his paw, so rang the vet,
and it was out of hours.
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00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:11,518
Took him up straight through
to the vet herself.
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00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:12,910
She said, "What's the problem?"
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00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:14,521
I said,
"The dog's hurt his paw."
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00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:15,739
She said, "Which paw?"
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00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:19,482
And I said,
"It's his left hand."
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00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:23,617
She said, "His what?"
I said, "His left hand."
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00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,314
She said,
"You mean his foreleg?"
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00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:27,229
I said, "I don't know,
I didn't go to university
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00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:29,187
like you did, flower."
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00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,972
"To me, it's his left hand."
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00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,365
I know what you're thinkin'.
You think I humanize the dog.
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00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,193
I know that's what you're
thinkin'. Fuck off, I don't.
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I don't humanize him.
Fuck off, I don't.
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So I took his, uh, waistcoat off
and I took him to the vet.
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I got him all bandaged up.
Brought him home.
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00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:44,986
My husband was away
at the time and I thought
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I should probably ring him,
let him know what's goin' on,
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00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,337
so I did. He said,
"What's the matter?"
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00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,817
I said, "The dog's
hurt his paw."
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00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,210
My husband said, "Which paw?"
160
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:53,951
And I thought,
"What's the fuckin' fuss it is
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00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:57,085
with which paw? It's not like
it's the one he writes with."
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00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:03,744
I said, "It was his left hand."
My husband said, "His what?"
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00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:05,223
I said, "His left hand."
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00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,443
He said, "Ah, you mean
front passenger side."
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00:08:14,929 --> 00:08:17,932
The dog sleeps downstairs. His
choice, he sleeps on the sofa.
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00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:19,499
And then in the morning
when he wakes up,
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00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:21,326
he comes up to our bedroom
and every single day,
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00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:24,025
he asks permission to get
on the bed. It's adorable.
169
00:08:24,068 --> 00:08:27,855
He pats the side of the bed
with both hands. Hands.
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00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,900
And then I wake up and I go,
"Go on then."
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00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:32,250
And he jumps up on the bed
and sort of little spoons me,
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00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:34,601
kind of lies here like this,
we all fall back to sleep again
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for another half an hour or so.
It's adorable.
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00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:39,431
The other day though, having
fallen back to sleep again,
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00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,433
I woke up because he was
growlin' and I thought,
176
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,218
"What's he growlin' at?
What's goin' on here?"
177
00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,089
What had happened,
because they're sort of
178
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:48,832
loose in the night, one of me
boobs had landed on his head.
179
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:57,580
The dog is very little,
my tits are not.
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00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:01,192
[imitates dog growling]
181
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,631
Poor little bugger, he's lucky
he didn't get caught
182
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:06,763
between them,
he'd be fuckin' dead.
183
00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,247
We've got two cats as well.
184
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,336
We've basically got pets
instead of kids.
185
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:16,251
Give us a cheer
if you have got kids.
186
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:17,644
[audience cheering]
187
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,602
Give us a cheer
if you've got pets instead.
188
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:21,343
[audience cheering]
189
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,040
It's not as many of us,
but we're fuckin' happier,
190
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,694
aren't we?
191
00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:26,348
I've got a friend
who's just had a baby.
192
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,350
I don't know anything
about babies. I said to her...
193
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,265
I said, "How long can you
leave her for?"
194
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:34,617
My friend was like, "You can't
leave babies on their own."
195
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:35,966
I said, "Can you not?
That's rubbish."
196
00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:38,621
"I could leave the dog
for four hours."
197
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,580
But I'm so rubbish with kids.
I was in a shoe shop.
198
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,320
You know the little seats
you sit on to try on the shoes,
199
00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:44,409
I sat on one of those
and a lady sat right beside me
200
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:46,150
and she pushed her buggy
in front of us both.
201
00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,500
And in the buggy was a little
girl who sort of turned to me
202
00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:50,894
as if to start a conversation.
I panicked a little bit.
203
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,548
This is out of my comfort zone,
but I thought,
204
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,071
"Let's just see how it goes."
205
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:57,031
She turned to me and she went,
"What's your name?"
206
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,815
And I thought, "Oh, this is
gonna be a piece of piss."
207
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:01,688
"I already know the answer
to question number one."
208
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:04,560
I said, "My name's Sarah,"
and then she went,
209
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,953
"What's your hair?"
210
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:07,258
What's your hair?
211
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:10,131
What kind of fuckin' question
is that?
212
00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,655
With my self-esteem, I felt like
she was being quite judgy,
213
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,918
if I'm honest, like she's
looking at me and goin',
214
00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:16,659
"What the fuck's
happenin' here like?"
215
00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:20,794
So I just asked her who her dad
was and she didn't know
216
00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:22,491
and it got really awkward.
217
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,714
But my friend who has the baby
also has a two year old.
218
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,411
She has a two year old
and a three month old,
219
00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:31,152
both little girls,
and I went to visit them.
220
00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:32,849
And the baby was
a little bit fractious,
221
00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:34,677
so my friend said, "You mind
while I sort the baby out,
222
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:36,374
could you look after the little
one?" I said, "Of course."
223
00:10:36,418 --> 00:10:37,985
'Cause I thought,
"How hard can it be
224
00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:40,074
to look after a two year old?"
225
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,728
She'll definitely tell me
when she wants
226
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,600
to go outside for a wee.
227
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,776
And I've nearly always got
meaty snacks in me pockets.
228
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,822
So they're gonna go down
a treat later on.
229
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,345
She was lovely, very chatty,
the whole time,
230
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:51,999
chat-chat-chat, chat-chat-chat.
231
00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:55,350
But I couldn't make fuckin' head
and a tail of anything she said.
232
00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:57,831
She was at that weird sort of
gibberish age where she's just
233
00:10:57,874 --> 00:11:00,877
lookin' at me and goin',
"Hubba tata tapa tata tat."
234
00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:02,879
I thought to just say yes
to see if that would kind of
235
00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,186
move her on.
"Yes." Didn't work.
236
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:06,709
And in the end,
the kitchen door opened
237
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,755
and my friend had the baby
like this, and she went,
238
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,844
"She's trying to tell you
about Peter Rabbit."
239
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,410
I said, "Is she? Fuck!"
240
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,371
The only thing I understood
out of this kid's mouth
241
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,068
the whole time I was there...
I was reading a book to her.
242
00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:19,635
And I got a bit distracted
by the pictures
243
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,854
and I said,
"Look, there's a bird,
244
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,507
and there's a ladybird."
245
00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:24,466
And she looked me straight
in the eyes and she went,
246
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,468
"Read on." Ooh.
247
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,777
But I always think what I hear
when kids talk to me
248
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:35,042
is probably what Stephen Fry
hears when I talk to him.
249
00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:37,044
Like, I think I'm saying
something really eloquent
250
00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:39,176
and well thought out
and he just hears,
251
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:43,093
"I like chips.
What's your hair?" Hm.
252
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,184
But I've been spending
a bit of time with my family.
253
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,404
Uh, I took my mum shoppin'.
My mum's in a wheelchair.
254
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,667
We went into a department store,
went to the disabled toilet
255
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,669
within the department store.
She had a wee.
256
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,889
And I thought, "While I'm in,
I'll have a quick wee as well."
257
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:58,500
But I knew I needed to fart.
258
00:11:58,543 --> 00:11:59,588
And the problem was that
the toilet
259
00:11:59,631 --> 00:12:00,807
was on a very busy thoroughfare,
260
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,156
lot of people going
past that door.
261
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:03,853
So I said to me mum,
"Do us a favor, mum."
262
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:06,116
She said, "What?"
I said, "Clap."
263
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,031
I don't know why I said clap.
264
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:10,686
I think I thought the noise
would drown it out.
265
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,601
But also I am very comfortable
with applause.
266
00:12:12,644 --> 00:12:16,692
This is my job after all.
So she did. She went like this.
267
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,476
[claps] She did one.
268
00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:24,004
I said, "How good you think
me timing is, mum?"
269
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,657
And the problem we had
is when she clapped,
270
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,050
the lights went off.
271
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,401
But luckily,
I did a big loud fart
272
00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:32,229
and they came back on again!
273
00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,364
My, uh...
274
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:39,323
My mum delivers compliments
in a very interesting way.
275
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,890
Some of you might have mums
like this.
276
00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:43,284
Some of you might be mums
like this.
277
00:12:43,327 --> 00:12:45,329
For example, when my hair
was a lot longer,
278
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:48,506
instead of saying your hair
looks nice, my mum said,
279
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:52,597
"Oh, you're not gonna get
your hair cut, are you?"
280
00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:55,426
So I've stopped saying
I love you and now I just say,
281
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,428
"I'll be really sad
when you die."
282
00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:05,045
A few months ago,
I was playing a game of Jenga
283
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,873
with some friends and a couple
of days after that,
284
00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,309
I was talking to me dad
on the phone, I thought
285
00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:09,963
I'll tell him about it,
and then I thought,
286
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:12,835
I don't know if me dad knows
what Jenga is. He's in his 70s.
287
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,402
I don't know
when it first became popular,
288
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,795
so I thought I'll ask him.
289
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:18,362
So I said, "Dad, do you know
what Jenga is?"
290
00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:21,017
And he said,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, like sex."
291
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:26,631
I said, "Jenga."
He said, "Yeah. Sex."
292
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,808
I had so many questions
293
00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:31,898
and I didn't want
any of the answers.
294
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,160
But I said to him, I said,
"Can I ask
295
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,726
which word you think
I'm sayin'?"
296
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:36,554
And he said, "Yeah, gender."
297
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:39,862
I said, "Oh, thank fuck
for that!"
298
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,298
I had a horrible idea
that that's what him
299
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:43,170
and me mum called it.
300
00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:45,955
He's trying to pull himself out
without toppling her over.
301
00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:54,268
And I got one sister.
It's just the two of us.
302
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:56,270
My sister is six years
older than me.
303
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,620
When she was a teenager,
she used to talk
304
00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:01,536
very slang, very Geordie slang,
and my mum didn't like it.
305
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,451
So my mum would correct her
306
00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:07,803
and me being the little shitty
sister, I would help.
307
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,805
So if my sister said,
"I'm gaanoot"
308
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,068
my mum would correct her
and say, "I'm going out ."
309
00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,244
My sister would have to repeat
I'm going out
310
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:16,856
before she was allowed
to go out.
311
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,553
And I'd just be standing
beside them both sayin'
312
00:14:18,596 --> 00:14:22,687
I'm going out,
like the arsehole that I was.
313
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:24,211
There was a time
my sister was really ill.
314
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:25,821
She had a really bad finger,
she went to the hospital
315
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,954
with my mum, they came back in
from A&E, and I said
316
00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:30,173
to my sister, "What's the matter
with your finger then?"
317
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:32,480
She said, "Oh, they said
it's gangrene."
318
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:35,396
And I genuinely said,
"Going green."
319
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,356
Like I probably thought
a medical doctor had gone,
320
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,271
[Geordie accent]
"That's gangrene."
321
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:44,448
"Then it's gonna gan broon,
then it's gonna fall off."
322
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,192
We went on two holidays abroad
when I was a kid.
323
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:52,413
Went to Malta when I was four,
went to Spain when I was eight.
324
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,067
When I was eight,
we went to Spain.
325
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:57,157
My holiday present
was a baby doll, very nice.
326
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,899
But it was like this.
It was huge.
327
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,248
I think that's when
I first got an idea
328
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,120
that I might not want
to have kids.
329
00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:06,340
'Cause I had an inkling that
it came off part of a lady
330
00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:07,950
and I was pretty convinced
no part of me
331
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,039
would have allowed that.
332
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,388
I say that like that's changed.
333
00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:13,825
No part of me
would still allow that.
334
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:15,610
Fuck off, it wouldn't.
Fuck off.
335
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,136
The fun thing about
the baby doll, it had a dummy.
336
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:22,486
Took the dummy out,
baby cried really loudly.
337
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:24,227
Put the dummy back in,
baby stopped crying.
338
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:26,273
Now if you ask any woman
in this room when she first
339
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:29,406
feels like she became a woman,
most women would probably say
340
00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:31,887
when they started their period.
I think that's pretty standard.
341
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,108
Not me. I know exactly the day
that I became a woman.
342
00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:37,675
It was on that holiday,
at the age of eight,
343
00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:40,896
the night we lost
the baby doll's dummy.
344
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:47,076
Because on the same night,
I was bitten on the nipple...
345
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,556
Oh, a few people are laughing
at that already.
346
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:50,514
It's not technically funny yet.
347
00:15:50,558 --> 00:15:53,387
You don't know what by. I could
be about to say by a pedophile.
348
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,567
It was a mosquito.
You're lucky it was funny.
349
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,482
I was bitten on the nipple
by a mosquito,
350
00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:05,442
had a terrible reaction
and grew an actual boob.
351
00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:07,749
So I know I became a woman
that night because I was
352
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:10,056
eight years old in an adult bra
353
00:16:10,099 --> 00:16:12,797
and my baby would not
shut the fuck up.
354
00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:21,023
A few months ago, I decided
to go for a bra fittin'.
355
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,243
Give us a whoo if you've ever
been for a bra fittin'.
356
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:24,722
Audience: Whoo!
357
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:27,073
Give us a whoo
if you did not enjoy it.
358
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:28,813
Audience: Whoo!
359
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:30,772
Exactly the same people again.
360
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:32,382
It's a very odd experience,
isn't it?
361
00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:33,949
In a second,
I'll give you an opportunity
362
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,733
should you want to shout out
and tell me what it was
363
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:37,431
you didn't like
about your bra fittin',
364
00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,563
but let me give you a couple
of examples to start you off.
365
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,000
There was a lady
a few months ago, I said,
366
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,784
"What didn't you like
about your bra fittin'?"
367
00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:45,091
And she shouted out,
"Cold hands." And I get it.
368
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:46,483
'Cause cold hands
aren't very pleasant to touch
369
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,050
and they do have touch you
at various times,
370
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:49,486
but I had to think about it.
371
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:53,229
And I think I prefer cold hands
to warm hands.
372
00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:54,926
Warm hands kind of ick me out.
373
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:57,799
Warm hands imply to me
that they've been doing this.
374
00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,888
"Ooh.
375
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:03,587
"Ooh, She'll see me
10 o'clock, I cannot wait. Ooh."
376
00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,850
Eh!
377
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,200
There was a lady not long ago,
I said,
378
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:08,723
"What didn't you like
about your bra fittin'?"
379
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,681
She shouted out,
"It was embarrassin'."
380
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,118
I said, "Of course,
it's embarrassin', flower."
381
00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:13,728
But I said,
"Was there one moment
382
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:16,383
that was worse than the rest?"
She said, "Oh, yes.
383
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:19,081
When I took me bra off,
two bits of popcorn fell out."
384
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:27,916
You know, probably, the easiest
way to talk to you guys
385
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,396
is to kind of talk to you
in a kind of
386
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,137
upstairs and kind of downstairs.
387
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:33,008
That probably makes a bit
of sense to me, but if we do
388
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,358
kind of this half,
if-- if I'm the centerpoint,
389
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:37,404
let's do this half as one side,
this half as the other,
390
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:40,407
and we'll do upstairs and then
downstairs. That sound alright?
391
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:43,105
Yeah, okay, anybody on this
side, upstairs and on this side
392
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,454
wanna shout and tell me
what you didn't like
393
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:45,586
about your bra fittin'?
394
00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:46,978
[indistinct shouting]
395
00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:49,198
There was a lady somewhere here.
Give us a wave.
396
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:50,939
Who's it? Yeah, what did you
say, my love?
397
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:55,204
Woman 2: I was disappointed.
- You were disappointed?
398
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:59,121
And also your accent is the best
accent to be disappointed in.
399
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:00,992
[speaks with an accent]
"I was disappointed."
400
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,177
Why were you disappointed,
my love?
401
00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,831
- It was a woman.
- It was a woman?
402
00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:22,840
Sarah: She's clappin' herself,
I love
403
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:24,625
that she's clappin' herself.
"That was really funny."
404
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:26,844
"I was really funny just then."
405
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,586
Were you expectin'
a good gropin'?
406
00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:31,936
Was that what you were wantin'?
You were, weren't you?
407
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:34,852
Oh, my God, there was a lady
who shouted out quite recently.
408
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:37,638
Uh, she said, uh, that it was
a male bra fitter.
409
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:39,335
And we were all really shocked,
the whole audience
410
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:41,642
were like, "Oh, my God," and I
said, "Which shop was that?"
411
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,209
'Cause I thought, let's find
out, and all the women
412
00:18:43,252 --> 00:18:45,689
were, like, ready
to write it down.
413
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:48,127
And a man in a totally different
part of the room went,
414
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,954
"My shop." [laughs]
415
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:54,437
Made me laugh.
Uh, anybody else on this side?
416
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,700
Woman 3: Wonky boobs.
- Give us a wave. Where are you?
417
00:18:56,744 --> 00:18:58,224
There you are right
in the front. Hello, my love.
418
00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,660
- What did you say?
- Wonky boobs.
419
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:03,098
Wonky boobs?
This is a heckle? No?
420
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,318
No, it's true. You never know
in this section.
421
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,842
You never know.
Uh, wonky boobs.
422
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:10,714
She pointed out that one is
somewhat larger than the other.
423
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,455
"She pointed out that one..."
What is some...
424
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:16,198
I love the-- the use of the word
somewhat larger than the other.
425
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:18,940
- But aren't everybody's? Yes.
- Yes.
426
00:19:18,983 --> 00:19:20,681
Did she do the traditional test?
I don't know if you know
427
00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:22,465
there's a traditional test
for findin' out which
428
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,250
is your bigger one.
I don't know if you know this.
429
00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:26,165
[imitates honking]
That's it.
430
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,430
[Sarah laughs]
431
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:33,172
[imitates honking]
Ah, that one.
432
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:36,566
[laughs] And that is a joke,
and if anybody does that to you
433
00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:38,220
and you have not
given them permission,
434
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:41,136
go to the fuckin' police.
435
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,573
Thanks very much, my love.
Anybody else over this side?
436
00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:45,184
What about over this side?
Oh, yes, give us a wave.
437
00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:46,446
- What did-- The style?
Woman 4: The style.
438
00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,926
- The style.
- She was older than me--
439
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:50,406
Sarah: She was... And I'm just
lettin' everybody else know.
440
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:53,366
She was older than you.
How much older was she than you?
441
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,411
Couple-- A couple of decades?
442
00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:58,414
- Try three.
- Three decades older than you?
443
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,286
Woman 4: Yeah.
- And how old are you roughly?
444
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:01,852
Don't let tell us. Just
decades... Don't tell us.
445
00:20:01,896 --> 00:20:03,593
You don't have to tell us
properly, but like...
446
00:20:03,637 --> 00:20:05,508
40s, 50s? What are you? 30s?
447
00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:08,816
- I'm 54.
- 54? She was 84?
448
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:17,738
Did she try and fit you
with a sanitary belt as well,
449
00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:20,262
did she?
Thank you very much.
450
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:21,916
There was a lady here. There was
a lady in the glasses there.
451
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,179
Hello, my lovely. Wh-- what
happened to you, my love?
452
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,660
It was roastin' in Marksy's
and they made me wait
453
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:28,705
and then in the end, they pass
the tape measure around
454
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,533
and I was clammy.
455
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:33,406
Oh. It was roastin' in Marksy's.
456
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,190
That was the first part
of the story.
457
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,627
- And then you were clammy.
- Clammy.
458
00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:40,282
Yeah, did she comment
on the clamminess? Hm.
459
00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:44,112
Did the-- did the tape measure
just, like, stick?
460
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,291
That's what I would worry about,
like, "Uh, you're never gonna
461
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:53,295
get this back, flower.
It's stuck to me underboobs."
462
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,906
It hasn't been dry under there
since fuckin' April.
463
00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,346
Fact. Thank you very much,
my love.
464
00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:01,738
Over this side?
Anybody over this side?
465
00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,871
What you didn't like
about your bra fittin'?
466
00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:05,568
Woman 5: The slang.
- Give us a wave.
467
00:21:05,612 --> 00:21:08,789
There you are. Oh, you're
right here. What... The slang?
468
00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:10,791
What-- what-- what slang
did she use?
469
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,488
Woman 5: She said,
"You're between a gosh
470
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:14,316
and a golly gosh."
471
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,363
She said, "You're between a gosh
and a golly gosh?"
472
00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:27,111
Are you sure it was
a professional bra fitter?
473
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,637
Anybody else?
474
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:31,855
Woman 6: They told me
there were no bras for me
475
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,379
in all of Marks & Spencer's.
476
00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:35,816
They told you
there were no bras for you?
477
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:38,688
Like, in the whole shop?
478
00:21:38,732 --> 00:21:40,255
Nothing for you.
479
00:21:41,822 --> 00:21:43,432
And was that because
you're too big? Too small?
480
00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:45,652
- What was the reason?
- I have no idea.
481
00:21:45,695 --> 00:21:47,131
Sarah: You don't know?
She didn't tell you?
482
00:21:47,175 --> 00:21:49,569
She just said, "None for you."
483
00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:53,660
And you went, "Okay." [laughs]
484
00:21:53,703 --> 00:21:54,878
Are you, I know it's,
I can't-- I can't quite see
485
00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:56,358
you got a dark top on,
are you
486
00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:58,447
excessively big,
excessively small?
487
00:21:58,491 --> 00:22:00,362
- No?
- Actually-- actually, average.
488
00:22:00,406 --> 00:22:02,146
- She'll tell you.
- Average?
489
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:03,800
Nothing wrong with that.
Oh, she's... Yeah, are you...
490
00:22:03,844 --> 00:22:05,367
- Is it... Are you related?
- No!
491
00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:07,151
No, no? Oh, you're just...
492
00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:09,763
You just pointed at another
lady's boobs and said average.
493
00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:20,077
You don't know each other?
You've just met tonight?
494
00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:25,126
And you think her boobs
are average?
495
00:22:25,169 --> 00:22:26,997
I... No bras for you.
I can see why she said it.
496
00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:28,608
No bras for you.
497
00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:31,088
Chopsy fuck!
498
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,136
Thank you. And there was
somebody at the back I think.
499
00:22:35,179 --> 00:22:37,007
Shout again. There you are.
500
00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:39,619
Woman 7: They said they only
got one bra, so I took a coup--
501
00:22:39,662 --> 00:22:41,577
They said... Uh, hold on.
502
00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:44,406
The shop said
they only had one bra?
503
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,234
Maybe you got there too late.
504
00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:51,065
"We got one left.
You're gonna have to fit it."
505
00:22:51,108 --> 00:22:52,675
"It's all we've got."
506
00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:54,068
"There's a blond lady
behind you."
507
00:22:54,111 --> 00:22:56,592
"We're gonna
have to turn her away."
508
00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:58,942
You said they only got one bra?
509
00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:00,553
- The only one that will fit--
Sarah: Oh.
510
00:23:00,596 --> 00:23:02,859
"The only one
that'll fit you is a Doreen."
511
00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:07,298
I really apologize
if there's anybody
512
00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:09,953
called Doreen in the room.
513
00:23:09,997 --> 00:23:13,827
But it's not what you want
your bra to be called, is it?
514
00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:17,831
They only had a Doreen.
Did you try the Doreen on?
515
00:23:17,874 --> 00:23:20,355
Uh, yes, but it only
comes in flesh and--
516
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,444
It only comes in flesh.
517
00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:26,709
Do you mean flesh-colored?
518
00:23:26,753 --> 00:23:29,799
Or do you mean
only comes in actual flesh?
519
00:23:32,846 --> 00:23:35,718
Was it part of a woman
called Doreen?
520
00:23:38,155 --> 00:23:39,983
[laughs]
521
00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:42,682
"Oh, I'll have the flesh-colored
one. Oh, it really smells."
522
00:23:42,725 --> 00:23:44,248
[laughs]
523
00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:45,728
I didn't know,
did-- did anybody else know
524
00:23:45,772 --> 00:23:48,209
that they name them
after ladies?
525
00:23:48,252 --> 00:23:50,037
Yes, some of you did.
526
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:53,040
A gosh, a golly gosh
and a Doreen.
527
00:23:53,083 --> 00:23:55,216
We've fuckin' learned a lot
tonight, haven't we?
528
00:23:56,609 --> 00:23:58,088
Anybody else on this side?
529
00:23:58,132 --> 00:23:59,829
[indistinct]
530
00:23:59,873 --> 00:24:01,918
You forgot to cut
your hairy nipples?
531
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,365
Ah, I fuckin' love women.
I love women so much.
532
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,326
I'll bet you haven't told
your closest friends that,
533
00:24:18,369 --> 00:24:20,023
but you'll tell all of us.
534
00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:26,029
And what happened? Did the lady
comment on it or not?
535
00:24:26,073 --> 00:24:28,771
- Gave 'em a stroke.
- She gave 'em a little stroke?
536
00:24:28,815 --> 00:24:30,425
Fuck off, she didn't.
537
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:32,383
Do you want me to plait that
for you?
538
00:24:34,429 --> 00:24:36,649
[laughs] Thank you very much.
There was another one over here.
539
00:24:36,692 --> 00:24:38,085
Give us a wave.
There you are, love. What...
540
00:24:38,128 --> 00:24:39,652
W-- what happened to you,
my love?
541
00:24:39,695 --> 00:24:41,871
Woman 8: Um, she had to go
and get a second opinion.
542
00:24:41,915 --> 00:24:44,961
She had to get a second opinion?
543
00:24:45,005 --> 00:24:47,094
[laughs] W-- w-- what is so...
544
00:24:47,137 --> 00:24:48,748
W-- What was it she wasn't sure?
545
00:24:48,791 --> 00:24:50,576
Why am I doin' this?
I'm so sorry.
546
00:24:50,619 --> 00:24:52,534
This is so offensive.
I'm so sorry.
547
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:54,449
What was it
that she didn't understand
548
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,798
that she needed to get checked?
549
00:24:55,842 --> 00:24:58,235
Uh, she thought
I had a third nipple.
550
00:24:58,279 --> 00:25:00,368
She thought you had
a third nipple?
551
00:25:00,411 --> 00:25:03,545
Well, what fuckin' business
is that of hers?
552
00:25:03,589 --> 00:25:07,897
Unless you need a bra for the
third one, she should fuck off.
553
00:25:07,941 --> 00:25:10,247
And did you know this?
Was this a surprise to you?
554
00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:12,467
Well, I'd been eating
bran flakes for break--
555
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,600
You'd been eating bran flakes.
556
00:25:24,740 --> 00:25:27,830
[laughs] I'm guessin'
it wasn't a third nipple then?
557
00:25:29,702 --> 00:25:31,181
So she went and got someone...
558
00:25:31,225 --> 00:25:33,314
Had you picked it off
in the meantime?
559
00:25:36,186 --> 00:25:39,233
You waited to see
what her reaction would be.
560
00:25:39,276 --> 00:25:43,846
[laughs] Oh, my God,
that is hilarious.
561
00:25:43,890 --> 00:25:46,762
Yeah, I think she deserves
a round of applause.
562
00:25:46,806 --> 00:25:49,025
[audience applauding]
563
00:25:49,069 --> 00:25:51,854
Oh. Oh, God.
564
00:25:51,898 --> 00:25:54,901
Oh, well done, Birmingham.
That was excellent. Jesus.
565
00:25:54,944 --> 00:25:56,250
In fact,
shall we give everybody
566
00:25:56,293 --> 00:25:58,252
a round of applause
who joined in?
567
00:25:58,295 --> 00:26:00,602
[applause]
568
00:26:05,433 --> 00:26:07,174
Sometimes I quite like
findin' out where people
569
00:26:07,217 --> 00:26:08,784
have gone for their bra fittin'.
570
00:26:08,828 --> 00:26:10,394
Uh, there was a lady
who recently shouted out...
571
00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:11,874
And I didn't know
this was a thing.
572
00:26:11,918 --> 00:26:13,659
She had her bra fittin'
done in Ann Summers.
573
00:26:13,702 --> 00:26:15,486
- Did you know that was a thing?
Audience: Yes.
574
00:26:15,530 --> 00:26:16,662
Ooh, few of you did.
575
00:26:16,705 --> 00:26:17,967
Now those ladies who said yes,
576
00:26:18,011 --> 00:26:19,621
answer me this question then.
577
00:26:19,665 --> 00:26:21,754
Do they measure you
for everything there?
578
00:26:23,451 --> 00:26:24,495
"Oh, I'm gonna need
a bigger one."
579
00:26:24,539 --> 00:26:26,062
"It's just rattlin' around."
580
00:26:32,721 --> 00:26:35,115
There was a lady who once said
that she had hers done in Aldi
581
00:26:35,158 --> 00:26:38,509
and I'm almost certain you can't
get it done in there.
582
00:26:38,553 --> 00:26:41,425
There's just a nice young lad
in the stockroom, very obliging.
583
00:26:43,297 --> 00:26:45,038
You can't make an appointment,
you've just gotta go in
584
00:26:45,081 --> 00:26:46,822
and ask if Terry's on.
585
00:26:49,477 --> 00:26:52,741
[laughs] There was a lady
who recently shouted out
586
00:26:52,785 --> 00:26:54,351
"Too many mirrors."
That's what she shouted out.
587
00:26:54,395 --> 00:26:56,092
"Too many mirrors."
And I think she's right.
588
00:26:56,136 --> 00:26:57,659
I think there are
too many mirrors,
589
00:26:57,703 --> 00:26:59,966
'cause when I went for mine,
the lady said to me,
590
00:27:00,009 --> 00:27:02,533
"And would you like to look
at the back of the bra?"
591
00:27:02,577 --> 00:27:05,232
And I thought, "No."
592
00:27:05,275 --> 00:27:07,364
Then I thought maybe I'm missin'
out on something,
593
00:27:07,408 --> 00:27:10,063
so had to look. Turns out
I've got back tits as well!
594
00:27:14,284 --> 00:27:15,764
"Oh, I didn't know about those."
595
00:27:15,808 --> 00:27:18,071
"Thanks for pointin' them out,
you fuckin' cow."
596
00:27:19,594 --> 00:27:20,900
I'm surprised she didn't try
to sell me a bra
597
00:27:20,943 --> 00:27:22,466
for the back ones, you know.
598
00:27:24,251 --> 00:27:25,818
But I'll tell you what happened
to me, so every now and again,
599
00:27:25,861 --> 00:27:28,124
I have to have a photoshoot.
Now I hate photoshoots.
600
00:27:28,168 --> 00:27:30,126
'Cause I have really bad
body image issues.
601
00:27:30,170 --> 00:27:32,302
So a photoshoot for somebody
like me is a nightmare.
602
00:27:32,346 --> 00:27:33,739
But sometimes
they're unavoidable.
603
00:27:33,782 --> 00:27:35,131
And I had two
in the space of a fortnight.
604
00:27:35,175 --> 00:27:36,437
One for the cover of my book
605
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,178
and one for the poster
for this tour.
606
00:27:38,221 --> 00:27:39,701
And I had a lady who was helping
me pick some clothes
607
00:27:39,745 --> 00:27:40,963
for the photoshoots,
and I said to her,
608
00:27:41,007 --> 00:27:42,704
"Look, I don't have the time
or indeed,
609
00:27:42,748 --> 00:27:44,706
the inclination
to lose any weight.
610
00:27:44,750 --> 00:27:46,708
I said, "Could you recommend
anything that might make me look
611
00:27:46,752 --> 00:27:48,797
a bit better?" And she said,
"Go for a bra fittin'."
612
00:27:48,841 --> 00:27:52,714
She said, "A properly fitted bra
will knock pounds off you."
613
00:27:52,758 --> 00:27:55,325
And I said, "How many bras
could I wear?"
614
00:27:57,066 --> 00:28:00,156
Front tits, back tits,
arse-cheeks maybe.
615
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,505
But the place
she recommended to me was,
616
00:28:01,549 --> 00:28:02,898
until about four months ago,
617
00:28:02,942 --> 00:28:04,421
known as the Queens Bra Fitter,
618
00:28:04,465 --> 00:28:06,728
which I find a very odd thing
to boast about.
619
00:28:06,772 --> 00:28:09,513
I find that a very unusual thing
to brag about.
620
00:28:09,557 --> 00:28:11,733
I've never once watched
Trooping The Color on the telly
621
00:28:11,777 --> 00:28:15,868
and thought, "Oh, I wish
I had tits like hers."
622
00:28:15,911 --> 00:28:17,783
But I made an appointment
at the place she recommended.
623
00:28:17,826 --> 00:28:19,567
I went along to the appointment,
I went into the cubicle
624
00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:21,264
with the lady I'd made
the appointment with
625
00:28:21,308 --> 00:28:22,918
and I took off me top and I had
me best bra on underneath.
626
00:28:22,962 --> 00:28:24,572
It was me best one, too,
and that's when I said
627
00:28:24,615 --> 00:28:26,792
to the lady, I said,
"This is my best-fittin' bra."
628
00:28:26,835 --> 00:28:29,446
And she went like this. [laughs]
629
00:28:29,490 --> 00:28:31,710
She said,
"That's what everyone says."
630
00:28:31,753 --> 00:28:33,624
I said, "Well, maybe,
that's what everyone means."
631
00:28:33,668 --> 00:28:35,017
Like, we didn't hit it off
at all.
632
00:28:35,061 --> 00:28:37,759
It was fuckin' eggy
from the get-go.
633
00:28:37,803 --> 00:28:40,066
She said, "What we need to do
with those two..."
634
00:28:40,109 --> 00:28:41,807
Those two?
635
00:28:41,850 --> 00:28:45,201
"What we need to do with those
two is lift and separate."
636
00:28:45,245 --> 00:28:46,768
Lift and separate.
637
00:28:46,812 --> 00:28:48,596
I said, "Well, don't separate
them too much,
638
00:28:48,639 --> 00:28:50,424
'cause that's what it looks like
when I'm in bed."
639
00:28:54,254 --> 00:28:56,169
They way she was talkin',
it sounded like she wanted them
640
00:28:56,212 --> 00:28:57,997
to look like a travel pillow.
641
00:29:03,829 --> 00:29:05,439
She gave me a bra to try on
and I said to her,
642
00:29:05,482 --> 00:29:06,919
"Would you mind
steppin' out of the cubicle
643
00:29:06,962 --> 00:29:08,268
while I put on the bra,
then when I've got it on,
644
00:29:08,311 --> 00:29:09,486
I'll shout you back in?"
645
00:29:09,530 --> 00:29:11,793
She looked utterly perplexed
by this.
646
00:29:11,837 --> 00:29:13,447
She said, "Well,
I have to fit it."
647
00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:15,666
I said, "Yeah, that's the bit
where you come back in."
648
00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:18,713
"Didn't tell you to go on your
fuckin' dinner break, love."
649
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:21,542
She said, "I've been doing this
for 30 years."
650
00:29:21,585 --> 00:29:23,805
I said, "Well, I haven't been
doing this for 30 years."
651
00:29:23,849 --> 00:29:25,807
And then I thought,
"Showing my boobs to strangers,
652
00:29:25,851 --> 00:29:28,810
probably a good 25."
653
00:29:28,854 --> 00:29:30,551
But I didn't wanna add it
to my list.
654
00:29:30,594 --> 00:29:32,118
My list of people
who've seen my tits.
655
00:29:32,161 --> 00:29:33,772
There's not that many people
on my list.
656
00:29:33,815 --> 00:29:35,599
Just a handful of blokes
and a window cleaner once
657
00:29:35,643 --> 00:29:38,167
by accident.
658
00:29:38,211 --> 00:29:40,430
We got a bra that fit
and she tightened up the straps,
659
00:29:40,474 --> 00:29:42,824
'cause I had them
on comfy setting.
660
00:29:42,868 --> 00:29:45,087
You know where they just sort of
graze your belly.
661
00:29:46,872 --> 00:29:48,090
I mean, thank God,
I've got a belly,
662
00:29:48,134 --> 00:29:50,919
otherwise they'd hit
the fuckin' deck.
663
00:29:50,963 --> 00:29:52,399
Well, she tightened up
the straps to where they're
664
00:29:52,442 --> 00:29:54,183
supposed to be
and then she put one finger
665
00:29:54,227 --> 00:29:56,229
under the strap at the top
and she said, "This is the rule,
666
00:29:56,272 --> 00:29:58,884
you should only be able to fit
one finger under the strap."
667
00:29:58,927 --> 00:30:00,842
And then she looked at me
for a response.
668
00:30:00,886 --> 00:30:02,452
I didn't really know
what to say.
669
00:30:02,496 --> 00:30:04,672
I don't know
why I said the followin'.
670
00:30:04,715 --> 00:30:07,240
But when she said, "One finger,
that's the rule. One finger."
671
00:30:07,283 --> 00:30:08,502
I said, "Oh, that's interestin',
672
00:30:08,545 --> 00:30:10,025
'cause it's two
for a dog's collar."
673
00:30:10,069 --> 00:30:11,722
Why the fuck did I say that?
674
00:30:16,597 --> 00:30:18,294
And to make it worse,
I then said,
675
00:30:18,338 --> 00:30:20,731
"Are you trying to stop me from
losing my boobs in the park?"
676
00:30:20,775 --> 00:30:23,734
Why am I still talkin'?
Shut the fuck up!
677
00:30:26,563 --> 00:30:29,131
There was a lady,
not long ago, I, uh,
678
00:30:29,175 --> 00:30:30,480
I said, "What didn't you like
about your bra fittin'?"
679
00:30:30,524 --> 00:30:31,960
She's an older lady
and she said,
680
00:30:32,004 --> 00:30:34,223
"When I took me bra off,
me boobs went down like that
681
00:30:34,267 --> 00:30:35,921
so they just measured me waist."
682
00:30:38,010 --> 00:30:40,664
This lady, about a month ago,
I was in Scotland,
683
00:30:40,708 --> 00:30:42,405
and she shouted out, I said,
"What didn't you like about it?"
684
00:30:42,449 --> 00:30:43,885
And she shouted out,
685
00:30:43,929 --> 00:30:47,497
"I enjoyed it more
than I thought I should."
686
00:30:47,541 --> 00:30:50,283
And then she said, "I didn't
know how much I'd enjoyed it
687
00:30:50,326 --> 00:30:52,938
till I got home
and checked me TENA Lady."
688
00:30:52,981 --> 00:30:54,765
Oh!
689
00:30:58,987 --> 00:31:00,946
And I did have one lady
who was really irate about it.
690
00:31:00,989 --> 00:31:02,556
She said, "I didn't like it,
'cause I didn't know
691
00:31:02,599 --> 00:31:06,168
the etiquette, and I took me bra
off too early."
692
00:31:06,212 --> 00:31:08,518
How does that work? Was she
still on the fuckin' bus?
693
00:31:12,174 --> 00:31:13,306
[laughs]
694
00:31:15,482 --> 00:31:18,485
Oh, yeah, I've got IBS. Give us
a whoo if you've got IBS.
695
00:31:18,528 --> 00:31:19,834
Audience: Whoo!
696
00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:20,835
Give us a whoo
if you've got the kind
697
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,968
that means you never shit.
698
00:31:23,011 --> 00:31:24,578
There, give us a whoo
if you've got the kind
699
00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:25,927
that means you shit
all the time.
700
00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:27,363
Audience: Whoo!
- Always on the aisle.
701
00:31:27,407 --> 00:31:28,625
Did you hear that?
They're always on the aisle.
702
00:31:28,669 --> 00:31:31,585
Gotta be ready to go anytime,
anytime.
703
00:31:31,628 --> 00:31:33,369
That's what I've got,
I'd hi-five you guys
704
00:31:33,413 --> 00:31:35,023
but me hands are still
a bit wet from before.
705
00:31:35,067 --> 00:31:36,546
Um...
706
00:31:36,590 --> 00:31:38,287
What I've got is just quite
707
00:31:38,331 --> 00:31:40,594
an unsophisticated
digestive system.
708
00:31:40,637 --> 00:31:44,946
Basically, when I eat a meal, it
kind of pushes the last one out.
709
00:31:44,990 --> 00:31:47,688
It essentially means
I shit a lot in restaurants.
710
00:31:47,731 --> 00:31:49,081
I was in a restaurant
not long ago.
711
00:31:49,124 --> 00:31:50,517
I went to the ladies loo
after me meal
712
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:51,779
and in the ladies loo,
were a couple
713
00:31:51,822 --> 00:31:53,476
of really young girls,
like 20, 22,
714
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,391
that sort of age
and they're up at the mirrors
715
00:31:55,435 --> 00:31:57,567
reapplyin' their lipstick,
chattin' about boys,
716
00:31:57,611 --> 00:32:00,962
and I thought, "Oh, God!
I hope you leave soon."
717
00:32:01,006 --> 00:32:03,225
"'Cause there's about to be
a cacophony."
718
00:32:04,879 --> 00:32:07,403
I always like it.
It's like a fireworks display.
719
00:32:07,447 --> 00:32:08,883
'Cause it always
starts off like,
720
00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:10,711
pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
721
00:32:13,975 --> 00:32:16,369
And then dogs start barkin',
'cause they don't like it.
722
00:32:17,892 --> 00:32:21,026
Children must always stand
well back.
723
00:32:21,069 --> 00:32:23,767
And the golden rule is,
you must never return to it.
724
00:32:25,726 --> 00:32:27,771
But I always think if I ever run
a buildin' or a venue
725
00:32:27,815 --> 00:32:28,990
or anywhere
where there were toilets
726
00:32:29,034 --> 00:32:30,557
that were accessed
by the public,
727
00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:32,037
I'd do people like me
and those people who whooed,
728
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:33,603
I'd do people like us a favor.
729
00:32:33,647 --> 00:32:35,562
I'd have some music
goin' through those toilets.
730
00:32:35,605 --> 00:32:38,434
Maybe a little brass band
in the corner.
731
00:32:38,478 --> 00:32:40,828
Little oompah band, perhaps.
732
00:32:40,871 --> 00:32:43,570
And at Christmas,
"Little Drummer Boy" on a loop.
733
00:32:43,613 --> 00:32:45,311
Pa-ra-pa-pum-pum.
734
00:32:47,095 --> 00:32:48,401
Actually, just before
last Christmas,
735
00:32:48,444 --> 00:32:50,185
like the day before
Christmas Eve,
736
00:32:50,229 --> 00:32:53,754
I was in boots and I bought
meself some Anusol cream
737
00:32:53,797 --> 00:32:55,408
and some Rennies.
738
00:32:55,451 --> 00:32:57,018
And the woman on the till
was very much
739
00:32:57,062 --> 00:32:58,933
in the Christmas spirit
and as she put them in the bag,
740
00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:00,717
she went, "Enjoy!"
741
00:33:04,547 --> 00:33:06,245
But I've got a friend
who likes kind of vintage
742
00:33:06,288 --> 00:33:07,768
retro stuff,
she's got one of those...
743
00:33:07,811 --> 00:33:09,552
Do you remember those toilet
roll holders where
744
00:33:09,596 --> 00:33:11,598
it was the lady with the big
dress. Do you remember those?
745
00:33:11,641 --> 00:33:13,034
She's got one of those
and I thought,
746
00:33:13,078 --> 00:33:14,383
"I couldn't have one of those
in my house.
747
00:33:14,427 --> 00:33:16,081
Her skirt will be
off and on so much,
748
00:33:16,124 --> 00:33:19,214
it'd be like fuckin' box face.
749
00:33:19,258 --> 00:33:20,433
Oh, I love my audience.
750
00:33:20,476 --> 00:33:23,784
Like 60% of you
got that reference.
751
00:33:23,827 --> 00:33:25,351
And the rest of you are too
young and have got something
752
00:33:25,394 --> 00:33:28,180
really fun to google
when you get in.
753
00:33:28,223 --> 00:33:30,443
[laughs]
754
00:33:30,486 --> 00:33:33,054
[sighs] When I, uh,
mentioned periods before,
755
00:33:33,098 --> 00:33:34,621
I always got a little bit
embarrassed when I talk
756
00:33:34,664 --> 00:33:36,101
about periods and I kind of
hate myself for it,
757
00:33:36,144 --> 00:33:37,537
'cause it's such a normal,
natural thing,
758
00:33:37,580 --> 00:33:39,365
it seems a silly thing
to be embarrassed about.
759
00:33:39,408 --> 00:33:42,237
But even when I buy, like,
sanitary towels or tampons...
760
00:33:42,281 --> 00:33:44,283
Tampons? I don't know
why I said tampons.
761
00:33:44,326 --> 00:33:47,112
What about this
says fuckin' tampons?
762
00:33:47,155 --> 00:33:49,375
I can't even roller-skate.
[laughs]
763
00:33:56,164 --> 00:33:57,818
I always think
tampons are either for women
764
00:33:57,861 --> 00:33:59,515
who can roller-skate
765
00:33:59,559 --> 00:34:01,735
or, therefore,
women who definitely know
766
00:34:01,778 --> 00:34:03,650
which hole does what down there.
767
00:34:06,218 --> 00:34:08,959
I am not that woman.
768
00:34:09,003 --> 00:34:13,790
Just give me what's essentially
a nappy and I'll try me best.
769
00:34:13,834 --> 00:34:16,358
One thing you might not know,
you know non-applicator tampons,
770
00:34:16,402 --> 00:34:18,447
ones that are this sort of size,
they were invented
771
00:34:18,491 --> 00:34:20,536
so that women could put them
in their hand and go to the loo
772
00:34:20,580 --> 00:34:22,364
in the office or the pub
or wherever they are,
773
00:34:22,408 --> 00:34:23,670
wouldn't have to take
the handbag
774
00:34:23,713 --> 00:34:25,715
and it was a secret
nobody would know.
775
00:34:25,759 --> 00:34:28,849
Doesn't really work for me.
I wear nighttime towels.
776
00:34:28,892 --> 00:34:31,069
Looks like I'm takin'
a fuckin' bag of crisps.
777
00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:36,857
And a grab bag at that.
778
00:34:39,381 --> 00:34:41,340
But I do get a bit embarrassed
when I buy sanitary towels.
779
00:34:41,383 --> 00:34:42,776
What I do now,
when I get to the till,
780
00:34:42,819 --> 00:34:44,604
I just pretend
they're for somethin' else.
781
00:34:44,647 --> 00:34:46,780
Oh, yeah, I'm just
defrostin' me freezer.
782
00:34:49,261 --> 00:34:51,176
I did accidently wash
two sanitary towels
783
00:34:51,219 --> 00:34:53,003
in the washing machine once.
784
00:34:53,047 --> 00:34:55,136
I know, I know,
They came up lovely though.
785
00:34:57,095 --> 00:35:00,141
Half expected the rest
of the laundry to be bone dry.
786
00:35:05,407 --> 00:35:08,541
When, I, uh, married, been
married for nearly five years,
787
00:35:08,584 --> 00:35:10,238
uh, been together
a lot longer than that.
788
00:35:10,282 --> 00:35:12,153
You know, when you've been
in a couple for a while,
789
00:35:12,197 --> 00:35:13,676
there are things
you'd happily change
790
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:14,938
about each other, aren't there?
791
00:35:14,982 --> 00:35:16,070
Nothing serious. Nothing big.
792
00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:17,419
Nothing you'd split up over.
793
00:35:17,463 --> 00:35:19,160
Just trivial things,
things that you think,
794
00:35:19,204 --> 00:35:20,944
"Oh, if I could tweak that
about him or her,
795
00:35:20,988 --> 00:35:23,338
they would be perfect for me."
Give you an example.
796
00:35:23,382 --> 00:35:25,775
When we first got together,
one of the first nights
797
00:35:25,819 --> 00:35:29,083
we spent together
was in a really grotty B&B.
798
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:33,043
There was a pair of old man's
pants under the bed.
799
00:35:33,087 --> 00:35:34,741
And now they're everywhere.
800
00:35:40,442 --> 00:35:42,749
He's quite a clumsy man. He just
spills things quite a lot.
801
00:35:42,792 --> 00:35:44,446
He always mops it up though,
unless it's water.
802
00:35:44,490 --> 00:35:46,405
Refuses to mop up water,
'cause in his words,
803
00:35:46,448 --> 00:35:48,058
"It will evaporate."
804
00:35:48,102 --> 00:35:50,670
Which is right,
like, science is on his side.
805
00:35:50,713 --> 00:35:52,237
But I told my friend
and she said,
806
00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:54,021
"Well, he'd have been no good
on the Titanic."
807
00:35:54,064 --> 00:35:56,458
I said, "To be honest, I'm not
sure moppin' would've helped."
808
00:35:59,287 --> 00:36:01,594
But he's also not
always very romantic.
809
00:36:01,637 --> 00:36:03,030
Even when romance
is kind of put around him,
810
00:36:03,073 --> 00:36:04,379
he just doesn't always
go with the flow.
811
00:36:04,423 --> 00:36:05,728
We were in a nice restaurant,
they started
812
00:36:05,772 --> 00:36:07,339
to light the candles
on the tables
813
00:36:07,382 --> 00:36:09,645
and they dimmed the lights,
and I got kind of swept up
814
00:36:09,689 --> 00:36:12,257
in the romance of it
and I leant in for a kiss.
815
00:36:12,300 --> 00:36:14,998
That's when my husband realized
he needed to burp.
816
00:36:17,087 --> 00:36:20,787
Ever the gentleman, he did it
out of the corner of his mouth
817
00:36:20,830 --> 00:36:22,615
and then still came back in
for the kiss.
818
00:36:22,658 --> 00:36:23,572
I was like,
"You're alright, flower."
819
00:36:23,616 --> 00:36:24,660
"Let's just let that one settle
820
00:36:24,704 --> 00:36:26,488
for a while, shall we?"
821
00:36:26,532 --> 00:36:28,795
And that was when I realized
it'd gone ever so slightly
822
00:36:28,838 --> 00:36:30,057
darker, 'cause what he'd done,
823
00:36:30,100 --> 00:36:31,885
he burped
the fuckin' candle out.
824
00:36:37,151 --> 00:36:38,935
I've got a question
for all of you guys.
825
00:36:38,979 --> 00:36:41,242
Give us a whoo
if you've never had a wank.
826
00:36:41,286 --> 00:36:43,375
That's what I thought.
Interesting, isn't it? Um...
827
00:36:45,638 --> 00:36:48,380
I love the sheer panic
on some of your faces.
828
00:36:48,423 --> 00:36:50,730
So you didn't get a chance
to whoo.
829
00:36:50,773 --> 00:36:52,253
Always seems to be
the family groups
830
00:36:52,297 --> 00:36:54,081
that get affected
more than anybody else.
831
00:36:54,124 --> 00:36:55,996
"Oh, God, I'm sittin'
beside me mama and me nana
832
00:36:56,039 --> 00:36:57,650
and I didn't get a chance
to whoo."
833
00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:01,697
"Oh, darn, me mama and me nana
didn't whoo either."
834
00:37:04,265 --> 00:37:06,311
Dirty sons, the lot of ya.
835
00:37:06,354 --> 00:37:10,924
I find when I have, what I like
to call Special Sarah Time...
836
00:37:13,535 --> 00:37:15,320
There's different names.
You might have a different name.
837
00:37:15,363 --> 00:37:16,930
Rubbin' your button?
That one of the names.
838
00:37:16,973 --> 00:37:18,540
Isn't it? Rubbin' your button?
839
00:37:18,584 --> 00:37:20,455
One of my friends calls it
checkin' her letters.
840
00:37:20,499 --> 00:37:22,022
Fuck knows what that means.
841
00:37:25,591 --> 00:37:27,767
Special Sarah Time,
you can call it that as well,
842
00:37:27,810 --> 00:37:31,161
but change it to your name
otherwise it's weird.
843
00:37:31,205 --> 00:37:32,772
When I have Special Sarah Time,
I've discovered,
844
00:37:32,815 --> 00:37:34,730
and I don't know
if this is normal or not,
845
00:37:34,774 --> 00:37:37,777
I've discovered that all of my
sexual fantasies start the same.
846
00:37:37,820 --> 00:37:39,735
They all start exactly the same.
847
00:37:39,779 --> 00:37:43,086
They all start like this:
I get in, the dishes are done.
848
00:37:44,566 --> 00:37:46,438
That's how they all start.
849
00:37:46,481 --> 00:37:48,309
Sometimes that's all I need
as well.
850
00:37:48,353 --> 00:37:49,528
"Oh! Done."
851
00:37:53,358 --> 00:37:56,361
And I've realized as well
that if I orgasm alone,
852
00:37:56,404 --> 00:37:58,363
I'm much more northern
853
00:37:58,406 --> 00:38:00,974
than if I orgasm
when somebody else is there.
854
00:38:01,017 --> 00:38:04,020
On my own, every single time,
"Ooh, yeah, bugger!"
855
00:38:04,064 --> 00:38:05,239
Every single time.
856
00:38:08,764 --> 00:38:10,723
"Ooh, yeah, bugger!"
And then I have a pie.
857
00:38:18,861 --> 00:38:20,385
Some couples
like to watch porn together.
858
00:38:20,428 --> 00:38:22,212
Don't... We don't
watch porn together.
859
00:38:22,256 --> 00:38:24,345
Largely because I don't really
find it does anything for me.
860
00:38:24,389 --> 00:38:26,913
In my limited experience
of heterosexual porn,
861
00:38:26,956 --> 00:38:28,697
it seems to be very much
geared towards the men.
862
00:38:28,741 --> 00:38:30,873
There doesn't seem to be
much there for women at all.
863
00:38:30,917 --> 00:38:33,006
Including one I watched
a number of years ago
864
00:38:33,049 --> 00:38:35,269
that was so much
from a male point of view
865
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:37,315
that the camera was the man.
866
00:38:37,358 --> 00:38:38,620
So whoever's watchin' it
is watchin' it
867
00:38:38,664 --> 00:38:40,405
through the eyes of a man.
868
00:38:40,448 --> 00:38:42,407
Very disconcerting
to watch that as a woman.
869
00:38:42,450 --> 00:38:45,758
As a man, as a woman.
As a man.
870
00:38:45,801 --> 00:38:47,803
At one point, the camera moved
down, it had an erection.
871
00:38:47,847 --> 00:38:49,588
I nearly fuckin' shot meself.
872
00:38:51,241 --> 00:38:52,982
That's not all, there was
a woman goin' at it
873
00:38:53,026 --> 00:38:56,421
like it was a fuckin' pasty.
Oh, my God.
874
00:38:56,464 --> 00:38:58,640
To be fair, that's what
I'm like with a steak bake.
875
00:38:58,684 --> 00:39:00,381
Oh!
876
00:39:00,903 --> 00:39:03,036
Oh!
877
00:39:03,079 --> 00:39:04,298
Just hit me in the face with it.
878
00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:05,821
Oh!
879
00:39:12,567 --> 00:39:14,134
Calm down, that was gravy.
880
00:39:15,831 --> 00:39:17,790
I thought maybe we could talk
to the people who made the porn.
881
00:39:17,833 --> 00:39:19,008
Could we say,
could we have something more
882
00:39:19,052 --> 00:39:20,749
from a female point of view,
please?
883
00:39:20,793 --> 00:39:22,447
And I thought, you know, what
we'll get is not what we want,
884
00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:23,926
but it's what
they think we want.
885
00:39:23,970 --> 00:39:25,406
The camera will be the woman
886
00:39:25,450 --> 00:39:27,190
who'll just be facin'
a fuckin' headboard.
887
00:39:27,234 --> 00:39:29,018
Headboard. Headboard. Headboard.
Headboard. Headboard.
888
00:39:33,806 --> 00:39:35,938
We do, uh,
we do watch a lot of, uh...
889
00:39:35,982 --> 00:39:38,463
[laughs] I couldn't remember
what non-porn films
890
00:39:38,506 --> 00:39:40,421
where called there for a second.
Films.
891
00:39:43,511 --> 00:39:45,513
We do watch a lot of films,
go to the cinema quite a lot,
892
00:39:45,557 --> 00:39:47,472
that's probably our main hobby,
I suppose.
893
00:39:47,515 --> 00:39:50,518
Uh, a few years ago, we saw
the film "Room" at the cinema.
894
00:39:50,562 --> 00:39:52,564
Has anybody seen
the film "Room?"
895
00:39:52,607 --> 00:39:54,304
Yes? You might've seen the film,
you might've read the book.
896
00:39:54,348 --> 00:39:56,350
I imagine it's even better there
generally, aren't they?
897
00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:58,134
If you haven't seen the film
though, I do recommend it.
898
00:39:58,178 --> 00:39:59,527
It's an incredible
piece of work.
899
00:39:59,571 --> 00:40:02,095
The story is,
a teenage girl is abducted
900
00:40:02,138 --> 00:40:03,749
and held prisoner
for a number of years
901
00:40:03,792 --> 00:40:05,794
by this kind of psychopath
in his sort of outhouse
902
00:40:05,838 --> 00:40:07,927
type of thing.
It's hard to watch.
903
00:40:07,970 --> 00:40:09,842
She's raped every day,
she falls pregnant,
904
00:40:09,885 --> 00:40:11,365
she has to have the child,
she has to raise the child,
905
00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:12,975
all in this one room,
hence the title.
906
00:40:13,019 --> 00:40:15,543
It's-- it's brutal.
It's emotionally exhaustin'.
907
00:40:15,587 --> 00:40:17,066
I don't want to spoil it.
908
00:40:17,110 --> 00:40:19,373
It's also very empowering
at times as well.
909
00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,984
It's one of the films when it--
it ends and the titles go up,
910
00:40:22,028 --> 00:40:23,769
everybody in the cinema just
kind of stays in their seats
911
00:40:23,812 --> 00:40:25,466
'cause they're all kind of
pullin' themselves together.
912
00:40:25,510 --> 00:40:27,555
We were no different. My husband
and I just sat in silence.
913
00:40:27,599 --> 00:40:29,862
I'd cried so much, I was just
pullin' myself together.
914
00:40:29,905 --> 00:40:31,646
We walked to the car in silence,
got in the car,
915
00:40:31,690 --> 00:40:33,822
didn't turn the engine on,
sat there quietly.
916
00:40:33,866 --> 00:40:35,215
And I was the one
that broke the silence,
917
00:40:35,258 --> 00:40:36,564
and I said to my husband,
I said, "God,
918
00:40:36,608 --> 00:40:38,218
that was incredible.
What an amazing film."
919
00:40:38,261 --> 00:40:39,654
"That was so powerful,
so emotional."
920
00:40:39,698 --> 00:40:41,743
"I've cried so much,
I'm absolutely knackered."
921
00:40:41,787 --> 00:40:44,442
My husband still hadn't spoken
and I was a little bit worried
922
00:40:44,485 --> 00:40:46,531
'cause it's not as easy
for a man to express emotion
923
00:40:46,574 --> 00:40:48,576
as it is for women
so I turn to him and I say,
924
00:40:48,620 --> 00:40:50,099
"What did you think of it,
love?"
925
00:40:50,143 --> 00:40:52,450
And there's a little pause,
and he went,
926
00:40:52,493 --> 00:40:54,190
"Why haven't I got a shed?"
927
00:41:02,111 --> 00:41:04,636
That's what had been bothering
him for two fuckin' hours.
928
00:41:07,595 --> 00:41:09,379
We do watch a lot of films,
watched "Iron Man"
929
00:41:09,423 --> 00:41:10,903
when it was on the telly
not long ago.
930
00:41:10,946 --> 00:41:13,166
If you don't know it,
"Iron Man" is a superhero film.
931
00:41:13,209 --> 00:41:14,515
It's not really my cup of tea,
932
00:41:14,559 --> 00:41:16,517
but I do quite like
Robert Downey, Jr.
933
00:41:16,561 --> 00:41:19,041
in a white vest. Tick.
934
00:41:19,085 --> 00:41:21,087
So partway through the film,
I leant over to my husband
935
00:41:21,130 --> 00:41:22,828
and I went,
"You should get a white vest."
936
00:41:22,871 --> 00:41:24,133
And he went,
"Oh, would you like that?"
937
00:41:24,177 --> 00:41:25,613
I was like, "Yeah,
I think I would."
938
00:41:25,657 --> 00:41:27,746
He was like, "Maybe I'll get
a white vest then."
939
00:41:27,789 --> 00:41:29,835
And then later on in the film,
something technical happened
940
00:41:29,878 --> 00:41:31,576
and they needed to fix it
with tools
941
00:41:31,619 --> 00:41:32,577
and I leant over to my husband
and I went,
942
00:41:32,620 --> 00:41:33,839
"You should get a tool belt."
943
00:41:33,882 --> 00:41:35,057
And he went,
"Would you like that?"
944
00:41:35,101 --> 00:41:36,581
I was like,
"Yeah, I think I would."
945
00:41:36,624 --> 00:41:38,626
He was like, "Maybe I'll get
a tool belt then."
946
00:41:38,670 --> 00:41:40,672
And then I entirely forgot
my train of thought
947
00:41:40,715 --> 00:41:41,803
and I went,
"Ooh, then you could do
948
00:41:41,847 --> 00:41:43,501
that big list of jobs I've got."
949
00:41:46,329 --> 00:41:47,940
I think
that's my ideal porn film.
950
00:41:47,983 --> 00:41:49,637
It's just the fixin',
not the fuckin'.
951
00:41:49,681 --> 00:41:52,161
Just the fixin',
not the fuckin'.
952
00:41:52,205 --> 00:41:53,815
I'd love to watch one where
he fixes the washing machine
953
00:41:53,859 --> 00:41:56,688
and then just leaves
'cause he's got another job up.
954
00:41:56,731 --> 00:42:00,605
The washing machine works
for years and years and years.
955
00:42:00,648 --> 00:42:01,649
Ooh, yeah, bugger!
956
00:42:04,478 --> 00:42:06,828
Just the fixin', not the
fuckin', that's what I want.
957
00:42:06,872 --> 00:42:08,308
To be fair,
that's what Jimmy Savile
958
00:42:08,351 --> 00:42:09,962
should've stuck with as well,
but anyway.
959
00:42:17,752 --> 00:42:19,885
It's a great reaction,
you laughed and you clapped
960
00:42:19,928 --> 00:42:22,061
and you oohed
all at that same time.
961
00:42:22,104 --> 00:42:24,542
That's very impressive.
Well done.
962
00:42:24,585 --> 00:42:26,282
But I think when you've been
in your couple for a while,
963
00:42:26,326 --> 00:42:29,024
you do develop kind of shorthand
or a kind of code for things.
964
00:42:29,068 --> 00:42:30,983
Things that you guys would
understand within your couple
965
00:42:31,026 --> 00:42:32,593
but maybe others wouldn't.
966
00:42:32,637 --> 00:42:33,986
Uh, I'll give you an example.
967
00:42:34,029 --> 00:42:35,857
A-- a lot of couples seem to me
968
00:42:35,901 --> 00:42:37,859
to have a shorthand for lettin'
their partner know
969
00:42:37,903 --> 00:42:40,035
that they fancy some sex
that night.
970
00:42:40,079 --> 00:42:42,603
Now before I start the tour,
I do a series of previews
971
00:42:42,647 --> 00:42:45,693
where I try out my stories in
front of a much smaller crowd.
972
00:42:45,737 --> 00:42:47,652
And at one of those previews,
I asked the audience.
973
00:42:47,695 --> 00:42:49,001
I said, "How would you let
your partner know
974
00:42:49,044 --> 00:42:50,132
you fancy some sex?"
975
00:42:50,176 --> 00:42:51,612
And a lady shouted out,
976
00:42:51,656 --> 00:42:54,441
"I just flash me arse
as I leave the room."
977
00:42:54,484 --> 00:42:55,964
Ooh!
978
00:42:56,008 --> 00:42:58,663
And her husband's like,
"Ooh, I'm on."
979
00:42:58,706 --> 00:43:00,360
Another preview,
I asked again, I said,
980
00:43:00,403 --> 00:43:02,492
"How would you let your partner
know you fancy some sex?"
981
00:43:02,536 --> 00:43:04,625
And a man went,
"I put the dog in the crate."
982
00:43:11,327 --> 00:43:13,982
I said, "Is that a euphemism?"
983
00:43:14,026 --> 00:43:17,072
He said, "No, I put an actual
dog in an actual crate."
984
00:43:17,116 --> 00:43:18,813
I said, "When do you let the dog
back out the crate?"
985
00:43:18,857 --> 00:43:20,902
He said, "When we're finished."
986
00:43:20,946 --> 00:43:22,643
I said,
"Doesn't that bother you that
987
00:43:22,687 --> 00:43:24,645
not only does the dog know
what you're doing,
988
00:43:24,689 --> 00:43:27,648
the dog knows how long
it's takin' ya."
989
00:43:27,692 --> 00:43:29,215
But I told this
to one of my friends,
990
00:43:29,258 --> 00:43:30,695
and she said, "Oh, it's the same
in our house."
991
00:43:30,738 --> 00:43:32,697
I said, "Really?".
She said, "Actually, no. No."
992
00:43:32,740 --> 00:43:34,002
She said,
"When we start having sex,
993
00:43:34,046 --> 00:43:36,875
the dog puts himself
in the crate."
994
00:43:36,918 --> 00:43:38,833
"Try and shut the little gate
with his hands,
995
00:43:38,877 --> 00:43:42,402
blanket over his head,
fuckin' headphones on."
996
00:43:42,445 --> 00:43:44,186
But if you don't have
a shorthand for fancyin'
997
00:43:44,230 --> 00:43:45,797
a shag and you'd like one,
you can use what we do.
998
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:47,668
I don't mind if you copy us,
don't mind at all.
999
00:43:47,712 --> 00:43:50,192
Uh, what we do, say, we're
watchin' a film at home,
1000
00:43:50,236 --> 00:43:52,978
I'll say something really sexual
to get his attention
1001
00:43:53,021 --> 00:43:55,589
and then I'll say,
"Anyway, back to the film."
1002
00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:57,199
Works a treat.
I've got two examples.
1003
00:43:57,243 --> 00:43:59,985
Use them at your will.
They both work very, very well.
1004
00:44:00,028 --> 00:44:04,076
Example number one,
"Wowzers, my tits are massive."
1005
00:44:04,119 --> 00:44:06,556
"Anyway, back to the film."
1006
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:08,080
Works every single time.
1007
00:44:08,123 --> 00:44:10,865
Example number two.
"Jesus, my fanny feels empty."
1008
00:44:10,909 --> 00:44:14,303
"Anyway, back to the film."
1009
00:44:14,347 --> 00:44:17,959
I didn't say they were subtle,
but they work a fuckin' treat.
1010
00:44:18,003 --> 00:44:20,179
We've still not seen the end
of "Jurassic World."
1011
00:44:23,182 --> 00:44:25,663
But at my final preview before
I started the tour properly,
1012
00:44:25,706 --> 00:44:27,621
I told the story about the man
and the dog and the crates.
1013
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,362
I thought it was funny, and a
man in the middle of the room
1014
00:44:29,405 --> 00:44:31,059
gave me a little wave. I said,
"Is everything alright, love?"
1015
00:44:31,103 --> 00:44:33,453
"What's goin' on here?" He said,
"That was me. That was us."
1016
00:44:33,496 --> 00:44:35,977
They'd come to see the show
again and I told their story
1017
00:44:36,021 --> 00:44:39,241
within the show and his wife was
sittin' beside him like this.
1018
00:44:39,285 --> 00:44:41,287
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God."
1019
00:44:41,330 --> 00:44:42,767
And he said, "Don't mind her,
1020
00:44:42,810 --> 00:44:44,464
she always gets embarrassed
when I talk to you."
1021
00:44:44,507 --> 00:44:45,987
I said, "Why are you
doing it again then?"
1022
00:44:46,031 --> 00:44:47,293
He said,
"Oh, she got her own back."
1023
00:44:47,336 --> 00:44:48,773
I said, "Oh, really?"
He said, "Yeah."
1024
00:44:48,816 --> 00:44:50,644
He said, "Put it this way,
after your show,
1025
00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:53,081
the dog didn't see the inside
of the crate for nearly a week."
1026
00:44:58,739 --> 00:45:00,523
But while you're workin' out
what your shorthand
1027
00:45:00,567 --> 00:45:02,134
for fancy a shag might be,
you need to know
1028
00:45:02,177 --> 00:45:03,526
that they don't all work.
1029
00:45:03,570 --> 00:45:05,006
We were lyin' in bed
a few months ago.
1030
00:45:05,050 --> 00:45:07,095
It was very late,
both very tired.
1031
00:45:07,139 --> 00:45:09,097
But for whatever reason,
my husband couldn't sleep,
1032
00:45:09,141 --> 00:45:12,100
he was wide awake,
so I said to him in the dark,
1033
00:45:12,144 --> 00:45:15,190
in my most coquettish voice,
1034
00:45:15,234 --> 00:45:19,020
I said,
"Is there anything I can do
1035
00:45:19,064 --> 00:45:20,935
that might help you
fall asleep?"
1036
00:45:20,979 --> 00:45:22,763
And he said,
"Oh, yes, you could be quiet."
1037
00:45:31,598 --> 00:45:33,600
My husband isn't great
at giving compliments
1038
00:45:33,643 --> 00:45:36,690
and I love a compliment,
so what we do is I kind of
1039
00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:39,171
tee them up for him
and he tries his best.
1040
00:45:41,260 --> 00:45:42,740
I was in the shower
and my husband came
1041
00:45:42,783 --> 00:45:44,045
in the bathroom
to brush his teeth
1042
00:45:44,089 --> 00:45:46,047
and I thought,
"I'll tee up a compliment."
1043
00:45:46,091 --> 00:45:48,223
Now we don't go to the toilet
in front of each other,
1044
00:45:48,267 --> 00:45:50,138
'cause we're saving that
for retirement.
1045
00:45:53,228 --> 00:45:55,100
But he came in the bathroom
to brush his teeth
1046
00:45:55,143 --> 00:45:56,884
and I thought I'll tee up
a compliment, so I said to him,
1047
00:45:56,928 --> 00:45:59,452
I said,
"Have I got a good arse?"
1048
00:45:59,495 --> 00:46:01,149
And my husband
is not the sort of man
1049
00:46:01,193 --> 00:46:03,804
who can quickly say yes or no.
He's a very methodical man.
1050
00:46:03,848 --> 00:46:05,327
He's a very logical man.
1051
00:46:05,371 --> 00:46:09,331
He had to, what he would call,
verify the data.
1052
00:46:11,899 --> 00:46:13,858
So he had a proper look
at my arse and then he said,
1053
00:46:13,901 --> 00:46:15,468
"Yes, you have."
I said, "Thanks."
1054
00:46:15,511 --> 00:46:17,644
He said, "Big fan." I said,
"Didn't ask about that."
1055
00:46:24,259 --> 00:46:26,000
I was once shaving my legs
in the bath.
1056
00:46:26,044 --> 00:46:27,697
You know when I say shave
my legs, you know I mean
1057
00:46:27,741 --> 00:46:29,874
everything else as well,
don't you? Yes, good.
1058
00:46:29,917 --> 00:46:32,050
Normally just start at me toes
and keep goin'.
1059
00:46:33,225 --> 00:46:35,009
Ooh!
1060
00:46:35,053 --> 00:46:37,098
[grunts] Ooh!
1061
00:46:39,666 --> 00:46:42,712
And I cut my toe shavin'.
Now if you're under 40,
1062
00:46:42,756 --> 00:46:44,366
you'd probably think
that's disgustin'.
1063
00:46:44,410 --> 00:46:48,283
If you're over 40, you know
it's a fact of fuckin' life.
1064
00:46:48,327 --> 00:46:49,894
I went downstairs
and I told my husband
1065
00:46:49,937 --> 00:46:51,243
that I had cut myself shavin'
1066
00:46:51,286 --> 00:46:53,332
and he genuinely
looked at my face.
1067
00:47:02,471 --> 00:47:04,473
We got an app on our phones
called Find Friends.
1068
00:47:04,517 --> 00:47:06,301
If you don't know what
Find Friends is, it's an app
1069
00:47:06,345 --> 00:47:07,999
where you can kind of sync up
with each other,
1070
00:47:08,042 --> 00:47:09,565
you can see where each other
are, kind of check each other
1071
00:47:09,609 --> 00:47:11,611
are alright. I've synced up
with my husband.
1072
00:47:11,654 --> 00:47:13,178
I don't really think
he uses it very much though,
1073
00:47:13,221 --> 00:47:14,483
'cause I said to him,
"Have you noticed it wasn't
1074
00:47:14,527 --> 00:47:16,311
really workin'
and now it's workin'?"
1075
00:47:16,355 --> 00:47:18,400
He said, "What's that?
I said, "Find Friends."
1076
00:47:18,444 --> 00:47:19,445
He said, "I don't really know
what that is."
1077
00:47:19,488 --> 00:47:20,446
So I described it to him
1078
00:47:20,489 --> 00:47:21,708
just like I did to you guys
1079
00:47:21,751 --> 00:47:22,752
and he said,
"Yeah, I don't really,
1080
00:47:22,796 --> 00:47:24,232
I don't really look at that."
1081
00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:26,931
I said, "Do you never sometimes
wonder if I'm alright?"
1082
00:47:26,974 --> 00:47:29,803
And he went, "Nope."
1083
00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:31,718
And I thought,
I wonder what it would take.
1084
00:47:31,761 --> 00:47:33,067
I wonder if there were like
a big pile of dishes,
1085
00:47:33,111 --> 00:47:35,156
he'd be like,
"Hold on, I had a wife."
1086
00:47:37,028 --> 00:47:39,944
Or he'd ring the police and say,
"My sock drawer is empty.
1087
00:47:39,987 --> 00:47:42,772
I think my wife is missin'."
1088
00:47:42,816 --> 00:47:44,818
And the police would say,
"Can you give us a description?"
1089
00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:46,167
And he'd say, "They're all black
1090
00:47:46,211 --> 00:47:48,256
apart from one pair
with Daleks on it."
1091
00:47:52,826 --> 00:47:54,132
I think when you've been
together a while,
1092
00:47:54,175 --> 00:47:55,742
people start to give you
suggestions on how to
1093
00:47:55,785 --> 00:47:57,135
spice up your sex life,
don't they?
1094
00:47:57,178 --> 00:47:59,311
Different ways you can spice up
your sex life.
1095
00:47:59,354 --> 00:48:01,487
It always occurs to me
that there's shoppin' involved.
1096
00:48:01,530 --> 00:48:03,271
There's always shoppin'
involved, anything from
1097
00:48:03,315 --> 00:48:05,578
an unmarked Jiffy bag
through your letterbox,
1098
00:48:05,621 --> 00:48:08,581
all the way to, like, a trolley
around B&Q.
1099
00:48:08,624 --> 00:48:10,452
And then you've gotta get
a handyman out
1100
00:48:10,496 --> 00:48:11,976
who can fit the hooks
to the ceilin',
1101
00:48:12,019 --> 00:48:13,891
there's so much work involved
1102
00:48:13,934 --> 00:48:15,980
and I just can't be asked
1103
00:48:16,023 --> 00:48:18,460
and that's another thing
off the list as well.
1104
00:48:21,028 --> 00:48:23,944
Oh, good, about a third of you
got that.
1105
00:48:23,988 --> 00:48:26,468
For the rest of you, I don't
take it up the shitter.
1106
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,691
To be honest, with my IBS,
there's just too much traffic
1107
00:48:31,734 --> 00:48:33,301
goin' in the other direction.
1108
00:48:35,825 --> 00:48:38,045
Don't know if you've ever tried
to pull out at a busy junction,
1109
00:48:38,089 --> 00:48:39,829
but it's a bit like that.
1110
00:48:41,962 --> 00:48:44,182
We did find a really easy way
to spice up our sex life.
1111
00:48:44,225 --> 00:48:45,618
If you're lazy like us,
then this might
1112
00:48:45,661 --> 00:48:46,662
appeal to you as well.
1113
00:48:46,706 --> 00:48:48,012
What we do every now and again,
1114
00:48:48,055 --> 00:48:49,317
we just swap sides in bed.
1115
00:48:49,361 --> 00:48:51,493
That's all we do. We swap sides.
1116
00:48:51,537 --> 00:48:52,712
The first time
we did it, I was like,
1117
00:48:52,755 --> 00:48:54,540
"Ooh, it's like
we're on holidays."
1118
00:48:56,281 --> 00:48:58,674
But I think I must've been
spanked a lot as a child,
1119
00:48:58,718 --> 00:49:00,589
'cause I can't make it sexy
as an adult.
1120
00:49:00,633 --> 00:49:03,070
No matter how much I try, I just
keep sayin', "I'm sorry."
1121
00:49:03,114 --> 00:49:04,724
"I'm sorry."
1122
00:49:04,767 --> 00:49:07,945
Luckily, my husband finds
apologies a massive turn on
1123
00:49:07,988 --> 00:49:10,208
and he just makes me go
and sit on the naughty cock.
1124
00:49:19,913 --> 00:49:22,916
Oh, yeah, I was in London
quite recently for work
1125
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:24,048
and I had a couple of hours
to spare and I thought
1126
00:49:24,091 --> 00:49:25,832
I wanted to do
a bit of shopping.
1127
00:49:25,875 --> 00:49:28,313
And I totally recently bought
myself my very first hoodie
1128
00:49:28,356 --> 00:49:30,358
and it's so comfy and cozy,
I thought I'm gonna treat meself
1129
00:49:30,402 --> 00:49:31,751
to another one,
save the faffin' though.
1130
00:49:31,794 --> 00:49:32,752
I'll just get
the same one again
1131
00:49:32,795 --> 00:49:34,145
but in a different color.
1132
00:49:34,188 --> 00:49:35,624
So I was on the phone
with me husband, anyway,
1133
00:49:35,668 --> 00:49:37,278
and I thought I'll get him
to check what size
1134
00:49:37,322 --> 00:49:40,020
my current hoodie is, he said,
"No problem, where is it?"
1135
00:49:40,064 --> 00:49:42,022
I said, "It's on the back
of the chair in the bedroom."
1136
00:49:42,066 --> 00:49:44,024
So I'm chattin' away to him
as he goes up the stairs
1137
00:49:44,068 --> 00:49:46,331
and then he said, "Is it
the blue one?" I said, "Yeah."
1138
00:49:46,374 --> 00:49:47,767
He said, "What do you need
from me again?"
1139
00:49:47,810 --> 00:49:49,160
I said, "Just read the label.
1140
00:49:49,203 --> 00:49:50,857
I just wanna know
what size it is."
1141
00:49:50,900 --> 00:49:53,425
There was a little pause
and he went, "Fat face."
1142
00:49:58,212 --> 00:50:00,910
He genuinely thought
that was a size.
1143
00:50:02,869 --> 00:50:05,002
Like somewhere there's a shop
where the size are
1144
00:50:05,045 --> 00:50:08,701
small face, big face, fat face,
fuckin' huge face.
1145
00:50:14,533 --> 00:50:16,752
I was in, uh,
I was in hospital last year,
1146
00:50:16,796 --> 00:50:18,537
not for very long,
not for anything serious.
1147
00:50:18,580 --> 00:50:20,539
They gave me one of those gowns,
it doesn't quite
1148
00:50:20,582 --> 00:50:23,020
shut at the back, and then she
said, "The next thing we need
1149
00:50:23,063 --> 00:50:24,804
from you is a urine sample."
1150
00:50:24,847 --> 00:50:27,111
Give us a whoo if you've ever
given a urine sample.
1151
00:50:27,154 --> 00:50:28,634
Audience: Whoo!
1152
00:50:28,677 --> 00:50:30,331
Give us a whoo
those of you who are women.
1153
00:50:30,375 --> 00:50:31,811
Audience: Whoo!
1154
00:50:31,854 --> 00:50:33,552
It's tricky, isn't it?
It's tricky.
1155
00:50:33,595 --> 00:50:36,598
She gave me a bottle
with a neck like that.
1156
00:50:36,642 --> 00:50:40,428
And I go, "Well, I'll wait
till she brings the funnel."
1157
00:50:40,472 --> 00:50:41,864
No funnel came.
1158
00:50:41,908 --> 00:50:43,344
And I thought, "How am I
supposed to hit that
1159
00:50:43,388 --> 00:50:44,867
with me twin jets?"
1160
00:50:52,136 --> 00:50:54,660
Now I don't wanna tell you
too much about me down there,
1161
00:50:54,703 --> 00:50:58,142
but suffice to say, it's not
a '70s bush by any means.
1162
00:50:58,185 --> 00:51:01,058
But it's also not child bald.
1163
00:51:01,101 --> 00:51:03,147
Put it this way,
there's just enough hair
1164
00:51:03,190 --> 00:51:04,887
to put a pedophile off.
1165
00:51:07,194 --> 00:51:08,674
Which still made this
quite tricky.
1166
00:51:08,717 --> 00:51:10,241
So I put it in position.
1167
00:51:10,284 --> 00:51:13,244
I started me wee, wee came out
of a different area.
1168
00:51:14,897 --> 00:51:16,595
I stopped me wee,
I moved it to that area,
1169
00:51:16,638 --> 00:51:19,554
I started me wee again,
wee came out of a third area.
1170
00:51:21,382 --> 00:51:23,950
It's like somebody was pouring
juice through a hedge.
1171
00:51:30,043 --> 00:51:32,306
I felt a little bit
like I was on "The Cube."
1172
00:51:34,917 --> 00:51:36,484
And then she said, "The next
thing we need to know
1173
00:51:36,528 --> 00:51:38,138
is what size you are
for the stockings."
1174
00:51:38,182 --> 00:51:40,314
You know, the sort of DVT tights
that they put on
1175
00:51:40,358 --> 00:51:41,663
after you've had surgery.
I said, "Okay."
1176
00:51:41,707 --> 00:51:43,883
She came along
with a variety of sizes.
1177
00:51:43,926 --> 00:51:45,798
She started with a size small
1178
00:51:45,841 --> 00:51:49,193
and I thought, "Ooh, somebody's
got time to kill."
1179
00:51:49,236 --> 00:51:50,629
I'd start off
with the large personally,
1180
00:51:50,672 --> 00:51:52,935
but I tried the smaller
and they fit.
1181
00:51:52,979 --> 00:51:55,547
They fit.
I'm a small in hospital.
1182
00:51:55,590 --> 00:51:58,027
I must've had such an odd
expression on my face,
1183
00:51:58,071 --> 00:52:00,029
'cause she said,
"Are you alright?"
1184
00:52:00,073 --> 00:52:02,119
And I just went,
"Why aren't you a shop?"
1185
00:52:04,773 --> 00:52:06,210
And then she gave me
the paper knickers.
1186
00:52:06,253 --> 00:52:07,602
You know the paper knickers
they make you wear?
1187
00:52:07,646 --> 00:52:10,257
My husband said,
"I find them quite sexy."
1188
00:52:10,301 --> 00:52:11,650
I said, "Do you? Why?"
1189
00:52:11,693 --> 00:52:13,173
He said, "I think
I could rip them off."
1190
00:52:14,870 --> 00:52:16,611
Just so you know,
if you do a fart in them,
1191
00:52:16,655 --> 00:52:17,960
same thing happens.
1192
00:52:22,661 --> 00:52:24,532
We went on holiday last year,
my husband and I
1193
00:52:24,576 --> 00:52:27,231
went to New York, did a lot
walking around New York.
1194
00:52:27,274 --> 00:52:29,407
We developed kind of
a playful competition
1195
00:52:29,450 --> 00:52:31,583
regardin' our steps, we don't
have Fitbits or anything fancy
1196
00:52:31,626 --> 00:52:33,498
like that, just the app on
our phones we were usin'.
1197
00:52:33,541 --> 00:52:36,414
At the end of every day, we
compare numbers and generally,
1198
00:52:36,457 --> 00:52:40,374
he'd done about 2000 more steps
than I had every single day
1199
00:52:40,418 --> 00:52:41,984
and I couldn't figure out why,
we're spendin'
1200
00:52:42,028 --> 00:52:43,899
all of our time together,
all I was thinkin' was
1201
00:52:43,943 --> 00:52:45,684
what the fuck is he doin'
while I'm in the bath.
1202
00:52:45,727 --> 00:52:48,730
Is he just standin' outside
the bathroom door doin' this?
1203
00:52:48,774 --> 00:52:50,210
So the last night before I went
to him the followin' mornin',
1204
00:52:50,254 --> 00:52:51,516
I came to a bit of a head.
1205
00:52:51,559 --> 00:52:53,039
I said, "How many steps
have you done?"
1206
00:52:53,082 --> 00:52:54,693
And he'd done 15,000
and somethin'
1207
00:52:54,736 --> 00:52:56,695
and I'd done 13,000
and somethin'.
1208
00:52:56,738 --> 00:52:58,610
I said, "You know what, I don't
know why this is happenin',
1209
00:52:58,653 --> 00:53:00,916
but I don't like it
and I don't think it's fair."
1210
00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:03,005
And as I was talkin' to him,
he started to walk towards me
1211
00:53:03,049 --> 00:53:04,181
and I said, "Oh,
before you come in here,
1212
00:53:04,224 --> 00:53:05,791
will you get us
a glass of water?"
1213
00:53:05,834 --> 00:53:07,445
And he went and got us a glass
of water, and then I said,
1214
00:53:07,488 --> 00:53:09,577
"I think I've left
me book over there."
1215
00:53:09,621 --> 00:53:12,232
I went, "Fuck, that's what
it is, isn't it?
1216
00:53:12,276 --> 00:53:15,453
It's 2000 bossy steps
every single day.
1217
00:53:18,282 --> 00:53:20,414
But while we were in New York,
we saw a couple of shows.
1218
00:53:20,458 --> 00:53:22,024
Uh, one of the shows,
didn't know anything about it,
1219
00:53:22,068 --> 00:53:23,200
just heard it was really good.
1220
00:53:23,243 --> 00:53:24,331
Now if I'd known
it was gonna be
1221
00:53:24,375 --> 00:53:25,767
as emotional a show
1222
00:53:25,811 --> 00:53:27,291
as it turned out to be,
I wouldn't have worn
1223
00:53:27,334 --> 00:53:30,119
quite so much eye makeup,
rookie mistake.
1224
00:53:30,163 --> 00:53:32,470
And I'm a crier,
I cry at lots of things.
1225
00:53:32,513 --> 00:53:35,168
I cried at this show basically
from eight minutes into it
1226
00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,126
until it finished, but when
it came to the interval,
1227
00:53:37,170 --> 00:53:38,737
the queue for the ladies loo
was huge,
1228
00:53:38,780 --> 00:53:40,434
and I said to my husband,
"Do us a favor."
1229
00:53:40,478 --> 00:53:42,436
"Save me gettin' in that queue.
Will you just check me face?"
1230
00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:44,308
"Just check me face,
check under me eyes, have a look
1231
00:53:44,351 --> 00:53:46,875
and see if there's anything that
needs sort of urgently fixin'."
1232
00:53:46,919 --> 00:53:48,964
And again, he can't just
glance and glance away,
1233
00:53:49,008 --> 00:53:51,315
he had to start scannin'
from the top of me head.
1234
00:53:51,358 --> 00:53:53,534
It's like goin' out
with a fuckin' Terminator.
1235
00:53:53,578 --> 00:53:54,709
[imitating robotic whirring]
1236
00:53:56,711 --> 00:53:58,278
He said, "It's all black
under your eyes."
1237
00:53:58,322 --> 00:53:59,932
And I thought bloody mascara.
1238
00:53:59,975 --> 00:54:02,151
So I remembered I had
a compact mirror in me handbag.
1239
00:54:02,195 --> 00:54:07,026
I got it out and I had a look
and my makeup was perfect.
1240
00:54:07,069 --> 00:54:11,335
What he'd spotted there
was how old and tired I am.
1241
00:54:11,378 --> 00:54:13,206
Oh, yeah, he saw the end
of "Jurassic World"
1242
00:54:13,250 --> 00:54:14,468
that fuckin' night.
1243
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:19,952
But, weirdly, I've now got
two compact mirrors
1244
00:54:19,995 --> 00:54:21,475
in my handbag, I've got
that one and another one
1245
00:54:21,519 --> 00:54:23,651
I bought relatively recently
from a garden center.
1246
00:54:23,695 --> 00:54:25,566
I love a garden center,
you know what they put
1247
00:54:25,610 --> 00:54:27,699
at the garden center,
that's not garden.
1248
00:54:27,742 --> 00:54:30,658
It's just teapots
and scarves and jam.
1249
00:54:30,702 --> 00:54:32,704
Fuckin' love that bit.
1250
00:54:32,747 --> 00:54:34,445
And I picked up
a magnifying mirror
1251
00:54:34,488 --> 00:54:35,663
'cause I thought it'd be good
for the old
1252
00:54:35,707 --> 00:54:37,970
'tache and beard situation.
1253
00:54:38,013 --> 00:54:41,582
The magnifying mirror
is 12 times magnified.
1254
00:54:41,626 --> 00:54:44,455
Twelve times! It's like watchin'
the fuckin' "Blue Planet."
1255
00:54:44,498 --> 00:54:47,240
You can see them
burstin' into life.
1256
00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:49,329
It's really quite beautiful.
1257
00:54:49,373 --> 00:54:51,070
So I paid for the mirror
at the till,
1258
00:54:51,113 --> 00:54:52,811
I chucked it in me handbag,
thought nothin' more of it.
1259
00:54:52,854 --> 00:54:54,595
Can you guess which one I got
back out the next time
1260
00:54:54,639 --> 00:54:56,989
I needed to look at me fanny?
Can you guess? Can you guess?
1261
00:54:58,860 --> 00:55:00,645
It was huge.
1262
00:55:00,688 --> 00:55:02,386
Couldn't work out if it looked
like a horror film
1263
00:55:02,429 --> 00:55:04,344
or the best puddin'
I'd ever seen.
1264
00:55:09,697 --> 00:55:11,873
But obviously, until you spend
a lot of time in hotels,
1265
00:55:11,917 --> 00:55:13,397
and you tend to watch
whatever's on the telly,
1266
00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:14,746
whatever time you get in,
1267
00:55:14,789 --> 00:55:16,051
which is my way of sayin'
1268
00:55:16,095 --> 00:55:17,401
that I've seen
"Naked Attraction."
1269
00:55:17,444 --> 00:55:20,186
Has anybody else seen
"Naked Attraction?"
1270
00:55:20,229 --> 00:55:23,320
Thank God for that.
I thought I'd fuckin' dreamt it.
1271
00:55:23,363 --> 00:55:24,756
If you haven't,
I will explain it to you,
1272
00:55:24,799 --> 00:55:26,235
but you might not believe me,
be warned.
1273
00:55:26,279 --> 00:55:28,368
"Naked Attraction"
is a dating program
1274
00:55:28,412 --> 00:55:29,717
where the person
choosing the date
1275
00:55:29,761 --> 00:55:32,285
chooses from various people
who are naked
1276
00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,243
in Perspex boxes
1277
00:55:34,287 --> 00:55:37,421
and revealed section by section
from the bottom up.
1278
00:55:37,464 --> 00:55:38,726
Now every time I've seen it,
it's always been
1279
00:55:38,770 --> 00:55:41,163
really young people.
20, 22, 24 at most.
1280
00:55:41,207 --> 00:55:43,252
And I was thinkin', what if they
have older people on there?
1281
00:55:43,296 --> 00:55:44,471
Older people need dates as well,
1282
00:55:44,515 --> 00:55:46,168
it's not very fair,
not very diverse,
1283
00:55:46,212 --> 00:55:48,127
and then I realized like that.
1284
00:55:48,170 --> 00:55:49,998
I am 43.
1285
00:55:50,042 --> 00:55:51,739
If I was on that program,
they'd open
1286
00:55:51,783 --> 00:55:53,611
the bottom box and be like,
"Well, it's just supposed
1287
00:55:53,654 --> 00:55:55,874
to be her legs, but you can
see her tits as well."
1288
00:56:00,879 --> 00:56:03,664
With me, they'd be better off
starting from the top.
1289
00:56:03,708 --> 00:56:08,713
Head. Tits. Tits. Tits.
1290
00:56:08,756 --> 00:56:10,367
Tits, belly, fanny.
1291
00:56:11,977 --> 00:56:13,108
Feet.
1292
00:56:16,460 --> 00:56:18,766
I do like to go home as much
as possible when I'm on tour.
1293
00:56:18,810 --> 00:56:20,942
It's really nice to sleep
in your own bed, isn't it?
1294
00:56:20,986 --> 00:56:22,248
A few months ago,
I woke up in my own bed.
1295
00:56:22,291 --> 00:56:23,771
I was kind of of faffing
on my phone
1296
00:56:23,815 --> 00:56:25,730
like we all tend to do
when we wake up these days.
1297
00:56:25,773 --> 00:56:28,210
The dog was lyin'
on one of me boobs.
1298
00:56:28,254 --> 00:56:30,212
Now when they're in a bra,
that's quite tricky,
1299
00:56:30,256 --> 00:56:31,649
but when they're on the loose,
that's just like a big
1300
00:56:31,692 --> 00:56:33,999
flat comfy dog bed for him.
1301
00:56:34,042 --> 00:56:35,957
So he's lyin' in there,
my husband had got out of bed
1302
00:56:36,001 --> 00:56:37,437
and was startin'
to get his clothes on.
1303
00:56:37,481 --> 00:56:39,613
And after a few minutes,
the dog decided it was time
1304
00:56:39,657 --> 00:56:42,050
to get up, so he pushed himself
up off my boob.
1305
00:56:42,094 --> 00:56:43,530
Pushed himself up
1306
00:56:43,574 --> 00:56:46,141
with all of his might
and it really hurt.
1307
00:56:46,185 --> 00:56:48,361
So I made a noise,
a noise of pain.
1308
00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:49,841
Unbeknownst to me,
what was happenin'
1309
00:56:49,884 --> 00:56:51,364
at exactly that same moment,
1310
00:56:51,408 --> 00:56:53,845
my husband was right
in front of me, naked,
1311
00:56:53,888 --> 00:56:58,066
bendin' over to pick up
a sock off the floor.
1312
00:56:58,110 --> 00:56:59,764
He thought I made that noise
1313
00:56:59,807 --> 00:57:02,462
because I'd just seen
his splayed arsehole.
1314
00:57:07,685 --> 00:57:10,601
The noise that I made was this.
Ugh!
1315
00:57:13,168 --> 00:57:15,301
I said I would never make
a noise like that at you.
1316
00:57:15,344 --> 00:57:17,564
That's so hurtful, I would never
make a noise like that.
1317
00:57:17,608 --> 00:57:19,131
I might do a face.
1318
00:57:22,134 --> 00:57:24,745
And perhaps a small amount
of quiet wretchin'.
1319
00:57:24,789 --> 00:57:26,530
Oh!
1320
00:57:26,573 --> 00:57:27,574
Oh!
1321
00:57:29,794 --> 00:57:30,751
Oh!
1322
00:57:35,016 --> 00:57:35,974
Oh, yeah.
1323
00:57:37,671 --> 00:57:39,368
I don't get in the newspapers
very much,
1324
00:57:39,412 --> 00:57:41,675
which is a good thing, 'cause
I'm a very private person.
1325
00:57:41,719 --> 00:57:43,329
But a few months ago,
there was a story about me
1326
00:57:43,372 --> 00:57:45,549
in the "Irish Mirror."
Started in the "Irish Mirror"
1327
00:57:45,592 --> 00:57:48,334
and it moved across to all
of the UK tabloids as well.
1328
00:57:48,377 --> 00:57:50,162
And the story was this,
the story was
1329
00:57:50,205 --> 00:57:51,903
that I'd been
on a huge health kick
1330
00:57:51,946 --> 00:57:54,558
and had lost
a dramatic amount of weight.
1331
00:57:54,601 --> 00:57:56,560
Now I can't see all of your
faces, but the ones I can see
1332
00:57:56,603 --> 00:57:59,040
down here, you're right to have
this expression on them.
1333
00:57:59,084 --> 00:58:00,085
Huh?
1334
00:58:02,566 --> 00:58:04,611
I've not been on a health kick.
I've not lost any weight.
1335
00:58:04,655 --> 00:58:06,744
In fact, I'm fatter
than I've ever been
1336
00:58:06,787 --> 00:58:09,007
and I could not give
less of a shit!
1337
00:58:09,050 --> 00:58:11,662
[audience cheering]
1338
00:58:17,581 --> 00:58:19,496
How they came
to their conclusion,
1339
00:58:19,539 --> 00:58:21,367
their story if you like,
they found a photograph
1340
00:58:21,410 --> 00:58:22,716
I was in a sort of group shot
1341
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,588
that was taken
at the end of a TV record.
1342
00:58:24,631 --> 00:58:25,545
They compared that
to a photograph
1343
00:58:25,589 --> 00:58:27,112
a friend had taken of me
1344
00:58:27,155 --> 00:58:29,244
and they cross-referenced
those two photographs
1345
00:58:29,288 --> 00:58:32,247
with a third one
from my Instagram account.
1346
00:58:32,291 --> 00:58:34,206
So the group shot was a
photograph taken at the end
1347
00:58:34,249 --> 00:58:36,338
of an episode
of "Never Mind The Buzzcocks"
1348
00:58:36,382 --> 00:58:38,863
and I had my arm
around Lethal Bizzle.
1349
00:58:38,906 --> 00:58:41,387
Now if you're over 20,
just pretend I said David Essex,
1350
00:58:41,430 --> 00:58:44,042
doesn't matter who that was.
1351
00:58:44,085 --> 00:58:45,739
Whenever you've got your arm
around somebody,
1352
00:58:45,783 --> 00:58:47,828
everything lifts up, it's very
unflattering and, of course,
1353
00:58:47,872 --> 00:58:49,613
I don't get to okay
that photograph.
1354
00:58:49,656 --> 00:58:52,006
The one they compared it to, the
one a friend had taken of me,
1355
00:58:52,050 --> 00:58:54,139
was nice, 'cause your friends
take nice photos of you
1356
00:58:54,182 --> 00:58:55,619
'cause your friends like you.
1357
00:58:55,662 --> 00:58:57,577
And also your friends don't mind
if you take their phones
1358
00:58:57,621 --> 00:59:01,581
off them and delete all
of the ones you fuckin' hate.
1359
00:59:01,625 --> 00:59:03,801
So they compared those two
and they cross-referenced them
1360
00:59:03,844 --> 00:59:05,759
with a third one
from my Instagram account
1361
00:59:05,803 --> 00:59:07,587
which was off some satsumas.
1362
00:59:07,631 --> 00:59:09,807
I shit you not,
ladies and gentlemen,
1363
00:59:09,850 --> 00:59:11,983
this is journalism today.
1364
00:59:12,026 --> 00:59:13,985
Now what I didn't like about it
was the story
1365
00:59:14,028 --> 00:59:17,118
wasn't fat woman gets thin,
which is not news anyway.
1366
00:59:17,162 --> 00:59:21,558
The story was fat woman gets
better and that boils my piss.
1367
00:59:23,168 --> 00:59:25,779
The idea that women are told
by the media
1368
00:59:25,823 --> 00:59:27,694
that only one body shape
is allowed
1369
00:59:27,738 --> 00:59:30,479
and everything else is
disgustin' and needs rectifyin'
1370
00:59:30,523 --> 00:59:33,570
is something I quite frankly
will not fucking tolerate!
1371
00:59:33,613 --> 00:59:34,788
[audience cheering]
1372
00:59:34,832 --> 00:59:36,050
Thanks.
1373
00:59:41,403 --> 00:59:43,710
If I'm on the telly and I stand
beside any woman at all,
1374
00:59:43,754 --> 00:59:45,582
I feel huge,
I feel like a wardrobe.
1375
00:59:45,625 --> 00:59:49,063
But if I wander around Asda,
I blend in.
1376
00:59:51,065 --> 00:59:52,632
But if I stand beside any woman
on the telly
1377
00:59:52,676 --> 00:59:54,286
say, Amanda Holden,
lovely woman,
1378
00:59:54,329 --> 00:59:57,681
if I stand beside Amanda Holden,
she looks like my next meal.
1379
00:59:59,944 --> 01:00:02,642
Oh, has my Deliveroo arrived?
1380
01:00:02,686 --> 01:00:04,383
Sorry, I didn't see
you there, Amanda.
1381
01:00:04,426 --> 01:00:05,689
You shouldn't hold
a plastic fork.
1382
01:00:05,732 --> 01:00:06,777
Like, that's very confusing
1383
01:00:06,820 --> 01:00:08,909
for people like me.
1384
01:00:08,953 --> 01:00:11,085
Well, I pick up what I think
is a crisp off the floor.
1385
01:00:11,129 --> 01:00:13,218
Turns out
it's Kylie fuckin' Minogue.
1386
01:00:14,828 --> 01:00:17,135
She's gotta get to a show, guys,
let's give her a hand.
1387
01:00:18,310 --> 01:00:19,398
[blows]
1388
01:00:20,529 --> 01:00:21,748
The thing is I've got a belly.
1389
01:00:21,792 --> 01:00:23,445
Give us a cheer
if you've got a belly.
1390
01:00:23,489 --> 01:00:25,012
[audience cheering]
1391
01:00:25,056 --> 01:00:26,579
Some of your bellies might be
bigger than mine,
1392
01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:27,885
some of them might be smaller
than mine.
1393
01:00:27,928 --> 01:00:28,929
It doesn't fucking matter.
1394
01:00:28,973 --> 01:00:30,148
What I don't understand is
1395
01:00:30,191 --> 01:00:31,671
why I'm supposed to hate
my belly.
1396
01:00:31,715 --> 01:00:33,934
I quite like my belly.
It's full of things I love.
1397
01:00:35,719 --> 01:00:37,634
I do, I quite like it,
sometimes I rub it like this
1398
01:00:37,677 --> 01:00:38,939
for comfort.
1399
01:00:38,983 --> 01:00:40,419
Now if this was pregnant,
1400
01:00:40,462 --> 01:00:42,726
people would want to touch it,
wouldn't they?
1401
01:00:42,769 --> 01:00:44,684
If this was pregnant,
people would ask about the sex
1402
01:00:44,728 --> 01:00:46,207
and I'd say it's pretty much
the same way you do,
1403
01:00:46,251 --> 01:00:47,469
just a bit more slappy.
1404
01:00:54,999 --> 01:00:57,175
If this was pregnant,
people would ask when's it due,
1405
01:00:57,218 --> 01:01:00,700
and I'd say, "It sort of depends
what I've had for me tea."
1406
01:01:00,744 --> 01:01:03,877
If it's bread, I'd stand
well back if I were you.
1407
01:01:04,965 --> 01:01:06,706
To be fair, it was once scanned.
1408
01:01:06,750 --> 01:01:09,491
But that was by accident
at a self-service checkout.
1409
01:01:11,232 --> 01:01:13,321
There's no mystery to it,
there's no magic to it.
1410
01:01:13,365 --> 01:01:15,367
The reason I've got a belly
is 'cause I like to eat food.
1411
01:01:15,410 --> 01:01:16,585
It's really
that straightforward.
1412
01:01:16,629 --> 01:01:17,761
Have you ever been
in a restaurant
1413
01:01:17,804 --> 01:01:19,588
and ordered one dessert
and two spoons?
1414
01:01:19,632 --> 01:01:21,503
One dessert and two spoons
1415
01:01:21,547 --> 01:01:23,114
so you can get it in faster.
1416
01:01:25,856 --> 01:01:27,553
What I'd say to you,
if you've got a belly,
1417
01:01:27,596 --> 01:01:29,381
next time you see your belly,
maybe you're getting ready
1418
01:01:29,424 --> 01:01:31,557
for bed after the show, maybe
on the shower in the morning,
1419
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:34,908
whenever it is, just give it
a little comforting rub.
1420
01:01:34,952 --> 01:01:37,998
And just say to yourself, "Some
people are beach body ready
1421
01:01:38,042 --> 01:01:40,087
and some of us are
Christmas body ready."
1422
01:01:41,785 --> 01:01:44,178
I do genuinely worry about
people who are beach body ready
1423
01:01:44,222 --> 01:01:45,745
at Christmas,
'cause they're like
1424
01:01:45,789 --> 01:01:49,183
"Oh, God, I've just had
a Matchmaker and I'm stuffed."
1425
01:01:51,620 --> 01:01:54,362
And I'm like, "Well, I've been
training for this whole year,
1426
01:01:54,406 --> 01:01:56,016
get out of me fuckin' way."
1427
01:02:04,459 --> 01:02:06,505
I do sometimes get myself
in a bit of a tizzy
1428
01:02:06,548 --> 01:02:08,507
about these things, so do you
ever start a conversation
1429
01:02:08,550 --> 01:02:10,639
with your partner
with the words, "You know what!"
1430
01:02:10,683 --> 01:02:12,685
And they know
just to shut the fuck up.
1431
01:02:14,426 --> 01:02:15,819
I had one of those
very conversations
1432
01:02:15,862 --> 01:02:17,559
about this exact thing
with my husband
1433
01:02:17,603 --> 01:02:19,823
quite recently, I said to him,
"You know what?"
1434
01:02:19,866 --> 01:02:21,128
I'd said, "Do you know what,
when I'm on the telly,
1435
01:02:21,172 --> 01:02:22,782
I feel like
a fuckin' giant sometimes."
1436
01:02:22,826 --> 01:02:24,871
"I feel like
a fuckin' giant!"
1437
01:02:24,915 --> 01:02:26,525
I said, "You know what, I bet
next time I'm on one of those
1438
01:02:26,568 --> 01:02:28,701
chat shows like 'Graham Norton'
or 'Jonathan Ross,'
1439
01:02:28,745 --> 01:02:30,790
they'll have all the Hollywood
stars lined up on the sofa."
1440
01:02:30,834 --> 01:02:32,792
"The teeny, tiny Hollywood stars
1441
01:02:32,836 --> 01:02:34,315
all lined up on the sofa."
1442
01:02:34,359 --> 01:02:35,664
"Then when it's my turn
to come out
1443
01:02:35,708 --> 01:02:36,883
they won't say my name. No."
1444
01:02:36,927 --> 01:02:38,102
"They'll all just stand up
and go,
1445
01:02:38,145 --> 01:02:41,888
'Fee fi fo fum!'"
1446
01:02:41,932 --> 01:02:43,455
"And all the wine glasses
will ripple
1447
01:02:43,498 --> 01:02:44,848
like in
'Jurassic fuckin' Park.'"
1448
01:02:44,891 --> 01:02:46,501
"And I won't get to sit
on that sofa."
1449
01:02:46,545 --> 01:02:48,460
"No, no, they'll just open
a window and there'll be
1450
01:02:48,503 --> 01:02:50,505
my massive fuckin' eye."
1451
01:02:52,812 --> 01:02:53,987
And my husband said, "That's not
what I thought
1452
01:02:54,031 --> 01:02:56,337
you were gonna say."
1453
01:02:56,381 --> 01:02:57,904
"So what did you think
I was gonna say?"
1454
01:02:57,948 --> 01:02:58,905
He said, "I thought
you were gonna say that
1455
01:02:58,949 --> 01:03:00,167
when you sat on the sofa,
1456
01:03:00,211 --> 01:03:02,126
all the Hollywood stars
went flying."
1457
01:03:09,916 --> 01:03:11,744
Well, my sister used to do,
uh, massage
1458
01:03:11,788 --> 01:03:13,441
and she said, "Be careful
of the rubbing that you do."
1459
01:03:13,485 --> 01:03:15,922
And I said, "Why?" She said,
"Doing that can make you shit."
1460
01:03:15,966 --> 01:03:18,055
I said, "Maybe I haven't got IBS
after all."
1461
01:03:18,098 --> 01:03:20,535
"I'm just rubbing shit
out of meself."
1462
01:03:23,625 --> 01:03:26,193
I do like to keep fit,
I went on the exercise bike,
1463
01:03:26,237 --> 01:03:27,847
ooh, four years ago now.
1464
01:03:29,675 --> 01:03:32,896
Still fuckin' regular. Fuck off.
1465
01:03:32,939 --> 01:03:35,507
And my friend said to me, "Look,
you only need to do 20 minutes
1466
01:03:35,550 --> 01:03:37,509
to get any benefit." She said,
"Just set your kitchen timer."
1467
01:03:37,552 --> 01:03:38,902
"Then you'll know when it's time
to come off."
1468
01:03:38,945 --> 01:03:40,207
I was like,
"That's a great idea."
1469
01:03:40,251 --> 01:03:42,340
So I set the kitchen timer
at 20 minutes.
1470
01:03:42,383 --> 01:03:44,864
I got on the exercise bike, the
first thing I did when I got off
1471
01:03:44,908 --> 01:03:46,518
was checked what can I eat now,
1472
01:03:46,561 --> 01:03:48,302
'cause that's what you do,
isn't it?
1473
01:03:48,346 --> 01:03:50,130
I work out how many calories
I've burned off
1474
01:03:50,174 --> 01:03:53,481
and what that food is
and if I can eat it.
1475
01:03:53,525 --> 01:03:55,179
Half a cashew,
that's what I burned off.
1476
01:03:55,222 --> 01:03:57,572
Half of one cashew.
1477
01:03:57,616 --> 01:03:59,574
I don't even like cashew nuts.
1478
01:03:59,618 --> 01:04:02,490
I mean, I still eat it
obviously.
1479
01:04:02,534 --> 01:04:04,101
And then the kitchen timer
went off and I knew
1480
01:04:04,144 --> 01:04:05,885
me biscuits were cooked.
Smashin'.
1481
01:04:08,932 --> 01:04:10,150
A few months ago, I decided
1482
01:04:10,194 --> 01:04:11,848
to treat myself
to some posh shampoo.
1483
01:04:11,891 --> 01:04:14,241
Now normally when I buy shampoo,
I buy whatever's on offer.
1484
01:04:14,285 --> 01:04:15,764
Three for two, two for one.
1485
01:04:15,808 --> 01:04:18,071
Nine for five.
I'm not bothered.
1486
01:04:18,115 --> 01:04:20,378
'Cause I think shampoo
is glorified washing up liquid
1487
01:04:20,421 --> 01:04:22,162
in a fancy bottle,
but this day, I don't know why,
1488
01:04:22,206 --> 01:04:23,903
I decided to treat myself
to some posh shampoo,
1489
01:04:23,947 --> 01:04:25,600
went to a posh toiletry shop.
1490
01:04:25,644 --> 01:04:27,994
They had like a wall of shampoo.
So many different kinds.
1491
01:04:28,038 --> 01:04:29,430
I'm lookin'
at all the different kinds.
1492
01:04:29,474 --> 01:04:30,823
They didn't have the kind
that I wanted
1493
01:04:30,867 --> 01:04:32,216
'cause they never have the kind
that I want.
1494
01:04:32,259 --> 01:04:34,000
'Cause the kind that I want
doesn't exist.
1495
01:04:34,044 --> 01:04:36,307
The kind that I want is a bottle
of shampoo that just says
1496
01:04:36,350 --> 01:04:39,223
to clean your hair.
That's all I want.
1497
01:04:39,266 --> 01:04:41,529
There are so many insults on
bottles of shampoos these days.
1498
01:04:41,573 --> 01:04:44,010
So many personal questions.
"Are you dry?"
1499
01:04:45,838 --> 01:04:47,492
Things are still going
very well, but I'm not sure
1500
01:04:47,535 --> 01:04:49,886
why it's relevant.
Thanks for asking.
1501
01:04:49,929 --> 01:04:53,324
"Are you greasy?" I probably
just had chips, so, yes.
1502
01:04:53,367 --> 01:04:56,414
"Are you difficult to manage?"
Abso-fucking-lutely I am.
1503
01:04:58,372 --> 01:05:00,592
The woman who worked in the shop
kind of sidled up to me.
1504
01:05:00,635 --> 01:05:02,681
And I thought this is why I
don't normally go in posh shops
1505
01:05:02,724 --> 01:05:05,989
like this 'cause now I've got
to have a fuckin' conversation.
1506
01:05:06,032 --> 01:05:07,164
They don't talk to you
in Superdrug
1507
01:05:07,207 --> 01:05:08,861
unless you're trying
to nick stuff.
1508
01:05:10,384 --> 01:05:12,125
Just so you know.
1509
01:05:13,474 --> 01:05:14,954
She sidled up to me
and she said,
1510
01:05:14,998 --> 01:05:17,739
"What do you struggle with?"
1511
01:05:17,783 --> 01:05:20,264
And looking back.
I think she meant me hair.
1512
01:05:23,658 --> 01:05:26,313
And I just went anxiety,
1513
01:05:26,357 --> 01:05:28,576
me weight, and today thrush.
1514
01:05:35,322 --> 01:05:36,758
She properly looked at me hair
1515
01:05:36,802 --> 01:05:40,240
and she said,
"You struggle with your volume."
1516
01:05:40,284 --> 01:05:41,894
All I said to her was
I just want clean hair.
1517
01:05:41,938 --> 01:05:43,722
That's all I said,
but I said it as loud as I could
1518
01:05:43,765 --> 01:05:45,028
right into her fuckin' ear.
1519
01:05:45,071 --> 01:05:47,595
"There's no problem
with my volume, bitch."
1520
01:05:50,294 --> 01:05:53,427
In the same shop, they had
something called home spray.
1521
01:05:53,471 --> 01:05:55,125
And I asked the lady
what home spray was.
1522
01:05:55,168 --> 01:05:57,344
She explained it was kind of
air freshener. I said, "Okay."
1523
01:05:57,388 --> 01:05:59,956
And then she said,
"Is there a room in your house
1524
01:05:59,999 --> 01:06:01,783
that could do
with smellin' better?"
1525
01:06:01,827 --> 01:06:03,263
I said "I've got IBS, love."
1526
01:06:03,307 --> 01:06:06,092
"All of my rooms could do
with smelling better."
1527
01:06:07,876 --> 01:06:09,313
I said, "What flavor?"
She didn't like that.
1528
01:06:09,356 --> 01:06:10,967
She wanted me to say
scent or smell.
1529
01:06:11,010 --> 01:06:13,491
I said, "What flavor would
be good for a toilet then?
1530
01:06:13,534 --> 01:06:15,188
She said, "Orange and bergamot."
1531
01:06:15,232 --> 01:06:17,016
Now I don't know
what bergamot is.
1532
01:06:17,060 --> 01:06:19,323
But now I've got the spray,
I know it smells of shit.
1533
01:06:22,239 --> 01:06:23,805
But I bought the spray
and I kind of subtly put it
1534
01:06:23,849 --> 01:06:25,938
on the windowsill in our toilet,
and a few days later,
1535
01:06:25,982 --> 01:06:27,374
I noticed my husband
hadn't used it.
1536
01:06:27,418 --> 01:06:29,420
I said, "You haven't used
this special spray."
1537
01:06:29,463 --> 01:06:31,422
He said, "What's this
special spray for?"
1538
01:06:31,465 --> 01:06:34,251
I said, "It's for if you've made
a bad smell."
1539
01:06:34,294 --> 01:06:35,992
He said, "Oh, that spray.
Is that what I keep smellin'?"
1540
01:06:36,035 --> 01:06:37,515
I said, "Yeah,
what did you think it was?"
1541
01:06:37,558 --> 01:06:39,473
He said, "Oh, I just thought
you had a fancy, man."
1542
01:06:39,517 --> 01:06:41,998
I was like, "Just comes 'round
when I've done a shit!"
1543
01:06:44,087 --> 01:06:46,002
That is fucking niche, mate.
1544
01:06:49,222 --> 01:06:51,572
But generally, I'm not a very
girly girl, but I do quite like
1545
01:06:51,616 --> 01:06:53,444
painting my toenails,
and that's quite a recent thing.
1546
01:06:53,487 --> 01:06:55,315
I used to find it
quite problematic to paint
1547
01:06:55,359 --> 01:06:56,969
my toenails 'cause I've got
a lot of stuff here.
1548
01:06:57,013 --> 01:06:59,102
When I concertina
my body together,
1549
01:06:59,145 --> 01:07:01,669
there's often still quite
the gap to bridge.
1550
01:07:01,713 --> 01:07:03,149
So I've found a really good way
of doin' it.
1551
01:07:03,193 --> 01:07:04,977
If you are similarly endowed,
then listen up,
1552
01:07:05,021 --> 01:07:06,152
this might be helpful to you.
1553
01:07:06,196 --> 01:07:08,372
What I do now
is I sit on a chair,
1554
01:07:08,415 --> 01:07:10,548
I bring one leg up.
1555
01:07:10,591 --> 01:07:13,551
I put a boob
either side of the leg
1556
01:07:13,594 --> 01:07:15,944
and then I paint my toenails
as fast as I can
1557
01:07:15,988 --> 01:07:17,685
until I run out of breath.
1558
01:07:26,868 --> 01:07:28,174
But as I get older,
1559
01:07:28,218 --> 01:07:29,697
I'm getting much better
at using the word no.
1560
01:07:29,741 --> 01:07:31,395
I used to be rubbish
at saying no.
1561
01:07:31,438 --> 01:07:33,745
Used to say yes all the time.
Yes too much. Yes to everything.
1562
01:07:33,788 --> 01:07:35,268
To the point where
I felt a bit like a doormat.
1563
01:07:35,312 --> 01:07:37,357
Felt like I was being used,
I suppose.
1564
01:07:37,401 --> 01:07:38,924
And then I went through a phase
of saying yes
1565
01:07:38,967 --> 01:07:40,317
but immediately regretting it.
1566
01:07:40,360 --> 01:07:41,753
And then I went through
a phase saying no
1567
01:07:41,796 --> 01:07:43,363
but then in a really kind
of wishy-washy,
1568
01:07:43,407 --> 01:07:45,496
namby-pamby sort of way.
1569
01:07:45,539 --> 01:07:48,847
Now if somebody asks me to do
something I don't want to do,
1570
01:07:48,890 --> 01:07:51,763
I just go like this, "No."
1571
01:07:51,806 --> 01:07:53,504
My friend pointed out
that my voice changes.
1572
01:07:53,547 --> 01:07:55,071
So if I do wanna do,
then I go,
1573
01:07:55,114 --> 01:07:56,159
"Yeah, that sounds great.
Thanks very much."
1574
01:07:56,202 --> 01:07:58,465
And if I don't, I go, "No."
1575
01:07:58,509 --> 01:08:00,902
No apology, no explanation,
1576
01:08:00,946 --> 01:08:02,600
just... no.
1577
01:08:04,515 --> 01:08:05,907
Made a list
of some of the things
1578
01:08:05,951 --> 01:08:07,996
I've said no to over the years.
1579
01:08:08,040 --> 01:08:09,607
First thing on my list:
1580
01:08:09,650 --> 01:08:12,653
I said no to openin'
a sexual health clinic
1581
01:08:12,697 --> 01:08:15,482
on the Isle of Wight.
1582
01:08:15,526 --> 01:08:17,180
You know, when I say openin',
I mean cuttin' a ribbon,
1583
01:08:17,223 --> 01:08:19,051
not gettin' plan information,
you know...
1584
01:08:22,185 --> 01:08:23,708
I said no to a voiceover
for an advert
1585
01:08:23,751 --> 01:08:25,318
they thought I was perfect for.
1586
01:08:25,362 --> 01:08:27,146
And I thought, "Let's see
what you think I'm perfect for."
1587
01:08:27,190 --> 01:08:29,017
It was an advert for soil.
1588
01:08:30,889 --> 01:08:32,456
All I can think is that
they googled my name
1589
01:08:32,499 --> 01:08:34,197
and it said I was very dirty.
1590
01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:36,547
And they were like, "Yup,
she'll do that. She's dirty."
1591
01:08:36,590 --> 01:08:38,592
Down there, she's probably
got worms, yep, yep, yep.
1592
01:08:40,551 --> 01:08:41,726
This one's
very straight-forward.
1593
01:08:41,769 --> 01:08:42,901
I say no to skinny jeans
1594
01:08:42,944 --> 01:08:44,207
'cause I find them very thrushy.
1595
01:08:44,250 --> 01:08:46,600
Very straight-forward that one.
1596
01:08:46,644 --> 01:08:48,863
I say no
to giving my e-mail address
1597
01:08:48,907 --> 01:08:51,692
to shop assistants.
Have you had this?
1598
01:08:51,736 --> 01:08:53,216
Actually, the last time
it happened, I didn't say no,
1599
01:08:53,259 --> 01:08:54,434
I said a different word,
I got to the till
1600
01:08:54,478 --> 01:08:55,783
and the man on the till said,
1601
01:08:55,827 --> 01:08:57,133
"And your e-mail address is?"
1602
01:08:57,176 --> 01:08:58,699
And I said, "Irrelevant."
1603
01:09:06,577 --> 01:09:10,102
I say no to guinea pigs.
Don't say aww.
1604
01:09:10,146 --> 01:09:12,974
Somebody, if they say aww,
they're shit.
1605
01:09:13,018 --> 01:09:16,674
They are budget rabbits at best.
1606
01:09:16,717 --> 01:09:18,893
Go on, spend another couple
of pounds,
1607
01:09:18,937 --> 01:09:20,852
treat yourself
to some fuckin' ears.
1608
01:09:25,248 --> 01:09:26,814
Well, think about it.
Think about "Watership Down."
1609
01:09:26,858 --> 01:09:28,642
If "Watership Down" was
guinea pigs instead of rabbits,
1610
01:09:28,686 --> 01:09:30,862
you wouldn't cry at the end,
would you?
1611
01:09:30,905 --> 01:09:33,952
You'd go like this, "Mm."
1612
01:09:33,995 --> 01:09:36,737
Nobody ever made a vibrator
out of a guinea pig, did they?
1613
01:09:40,828 --> 01:09:43,048
You know why? 'Cause this bit's
really important.
1614
01:09:43,091 --> 01:09:44,354
This one.
1615
01:09:47,922 --> 01:09:51,274
I say no to people in the street
with clipboards.
1616
01:09:51,317 --> 01:09:53,145
There was a few people
agreeing with that over there
1617
01:09:53,189 --> 01:09:55,103
unless they're standin'
outside the stationery shop
1618
01:09:55,147 --> 01:09:56,757
and there's an offer
on clipboards
1619
01:09:56,801 --> 01:09:59,717
'cause I love stationery
more than fuckin' life itself.
1620
01:10:01,545 --> 01:10:04,112
I say no to notebooks
and aspirational signs
1621
01:10:04,156 --> 01:10:05,636
that say anything
to do with dreams.
1622
01:10:05,679 --> 01:10:06,724
Make your dreams come true.
1623
01:10:06,767 --> 01:10:08,421
Make your dreams a reality.
1624
01:10:08,465 --> 01:10:10,423
'Cause I always think
do you mean my actual dreams,
1625
01:10:10,467 --> 01:10:12,817
like the ones I have
in the night?
1626
01:10:12,860 --> 01:10:14,732
How would you make those
come true?
1627
01:10:14,775 --> 01:10:17,387
Are you sure?
1628
01:10:17,430 --> 01:10:19,171
You want me to find out
where The Rock lives?
1629
01:10:19,215 --> 01:10:20,346
You want me to go to his house,
1630
01:10:20,390 --> 01:10:21,913
wait until he gives me
the kittens
1631
01:10:21,956 --> 01:10:23,523
and then take me top off?
Is that what you want?
1632
01:10:23,567 --> 01:10:25,264
Is that what you want?
1633
01:10:29,355 --> 01:10:33,054
I say no to slates instead
of plates. Have you had this?
1634
01:10:33,098 --> 01:10:34,360
You're in a perfectly
nice restaurant
1635
01:10:34,404 --> 01:10:35,361
and they bring your dinner
1636
01:10:35,405 --> 01:10:36,623
on a bit of fuckin' roof.
1637
01:10:42,325 --> 01:10:44,370
I was at the Edinburgh Fringe
in August last year
1638
01:10:44,414 --> 01:10:48,853
and I was genuinely served
a fry-up in a fryin' pan.
1639
01:10:48,896 --> 01:10:50,463
Because mornings
aren't my best time,
1640
01:10:50,507 --> 01:10:52,857
I'm not in my most alert
on a mornin',
1641
01:10:52,900 --> 01:10:54,946
I ate it really quickly
because I was worried
1642
01:10:54,989 --> 01:10:57,122
they were waitin' for the pan.
1643
01:11:02,127 --> 01:11:03,433
This next one's
a little bit controversial.
1644
01:11:03,476 --> 01:11:04,782
Not everybody likes this one.
1645
01:11:04,825 --> 01:11:06,784
There's three to go, by the way.
1646
01:11:06,827 --> 01:11:10,918
I said no to a gig
at the Queen's Jubilee.
1647
01:11:10,962 --> 01:11:14,531
Because I was picking up
a kitten.
1648
01:11:14,574 --> 01:11:16,446
I'd had eight years of my life
without any pets.
1649
01:11:16,489 --> 01:11:18,012
The longest I've ever gone,
1650
01:11:18,056 --> 01:11:19,318
uh, because of the lifestyle,
of my job.
1651
01:11:19,362 --> 01:11:20,406
And then my husband
and I realized
1652
01:11:20,450 --> 01:11:21,886
we were finally in a position
1653
01:11:21,929 --> 01:11:23,496
where we could definitely
look after a cat.
1654
01:11:23,540 --> 01:11:25,498
And our friend's cat
had just had kittens
1655
01:11:25,542 --> 01:11:27,283
so we locked a date in my diary
1656
01:11:27,326 --> 01:11:29,241
when that kitten could leave his
mum and come and live with us.
1657
01:11:29,285 --> 01:11:30,895
So it was locked in my diary.
1658
01:11:30,938 --> 01:11:35,378
And my agent, she said,
"But it's the Queen's Jubilee."
1659
01:11:35,421 --> 01:11:38,163
And I said, "But it's a kitten."
1660
01:11:39,773 --> 01:11:41,514
And she tried all ways
to persuade me
1661
01:11:41,558 --> 01:11:43,037
and in the end, I just said,
"Look, I don't care
1662
01:11:43,081 --> 01:11:45,562
how good her tits are.
I'm not fuckin' goin'."
1663
01:11:48,913 --> 01:11:50,393
Second last one.
1664
01:11:50,436 --> 01:11:53,483
I said no to someone
shoving a crunchy up my fanny.
1665
01:11:55,398 --> 01:11:57,443
Now I don't know
when you last had a crunchy.
1666
01:11:57,487 --> 01:11:59,619
You might not remember
the chocolate is very thin
1667
01:11:59,663 --> 01:12:03,580
and would have fizzled off
in no time.
1668
01:12:03,623 --> 01:12:08,541
It's a very angular cinder
toffee, that would have hurt.
1669
01:12:08,585 --> 01:12:11,283
And also,
I don't do adverts, anyway.
1670
01:12:15,461 --> 01:12:17,376
It wasn't even a Friday.
1671
01:12:19,770 --> 01:12:21,554
And the last one on my list.
1672
01:12:21,598 --> 01:12:23,034
I say no to people
1673
01:12:23,077 --> 01:12:25,776
driving up the closed lane
and cuttin' in.
1674
01:12:25,819 --> 01:12:28,169
Do you know what I mean by this?
Yeah.
1675
01:12:28,213 --> 01:12:29,736
So we all see the sign
at the same point, don't we?
1676
01:12:29,780 --> 01:12:32,130
The sign that says in 800 yards,
this lane will close,
1677
01:12:32,173 --> 01:12:35,002
this lane will close
and this lane will remain open.
1678
01:12:35,046 --> 01:12:37,048
Now I'd like to consider myself
a good driver.
1679
01:12:37,091 --> 01:12:38,615
I immediately start working
my way across
1680
01:12:38,658 --> 01:12:40,399
to the lane
that will remain open.
1681
01:12:40,443 --> 01:12:43,010
Some people though just drive
to the front of the other lanes
1682
01:12:43,054 --> 01:12:44,403
and cut in.
1683
01:12:44,447 --> 01:12:47,406
Now if this me and this is you,
1684
01:12:47,450 --> 01:12:49,626
you better hope that your car
1685
01:12:49,669 --> 01:12:52,846
is not bigger
than a fuckin' pube.
1686
01:12:57,590 --> 01:13:00,767
Because that is the gap
that I'm leavin' between me
1687
01:13:00,811 --> 01:13:04,031
and the car in front of me.
1688
01:13:04,075 --> 01:13:06,120
Now that is very clearly
a no action,
1689
01:13:06,164 --> 01:13:08,645
that driver must surely
understand what's going on,
1690
01:13:08,688 --> 01:13:11,517
but I always want them to see
my face sayin' no as well.
1691
01:13:11,561 --> 01:13:14,433
So I wait until they side up,
'cause they do that, don't they?
1692
01:13:14,477 --> 01:13:16,000
They drive up alongside you,
1693
01:13:16,043 --> 01:13:17,741
they glance across at you
and your car
1694
01:13:17,784 --> 01:13:19,656
in a slightly
sort of pleadin' way.
1695
01:13:19,699 --> 01:13:22,398
"Oh, go on. Let me in."
1696
01:13:22,441 --> 01:13:24,400
"I'm only drivin' an Audi TT."
1697
01:13:25,966 --> 01:13:27,490
"I'm just a cunt."
1698
01:13:36,281 --> 01:13:38,457
Now is when I glance across
at them and I go like this,
1699
01:13:38,501 --> 01:13:40,546
No!
1700
01:13:40,590 --> 01:13:42,461
No!
1701
01:13:42,505 --> 01:13:44,202
And just to make sure
they definitely get the message,
1702
01:13:44,245 --> 01:13:46,160
I do this. Oh!
1703
01:13:55,561 --> 01:13:57,650
When I, uh, when I buy knickers.
1704
01:13:57,694 --> 01:14:00,871
Alright, that's where
we're goin' now, kids.
1705
01:14:00,914 --> 01:14:03,047
When I buy knickers, I buy them
from Marks & Spencer's
1706
01:14:03,090 --> 01:14:04,657
'cause things are going
quite well for me.
1707
01:14:04,701 --> 01:14:06,529
And I buy a multipack of five.
1708
01:14:06,572 --> 01:14:09,140
Now the shape that I buy,
I don't buy the giant ones
1709
01:14:09,183 --> 01:14:11,447
that I could tuck my tits into,
1710
01:14:11,490 --> 01:14:13,405
but I equally don't buy
the teeny tiny ones
1711
01:14:13,449 --> 01:14:15,799
that I might lose.
1712
01:14:15,842 --> 01:14:17,453
You know those ones that
you're gettin' ready for bed
1713
01:14:17,496 --> 01:14:19,542
and you're like, "I'm sure
I put knickers on today."
1714
01:14:25,373 --> 01:14:28,638
"My vagina appears
to have eaten them."
1715
01:14:28,681 --> 01:14:30,291
I get the
somewhere-in-the-middle ones,
1716
01:14:30,335 --> 01:14:31,510
that's what I get, the
somewhere-in-the-middle ones,
1717
01:14:31,554 --> 01:14:32,729
and I get a multipack of five
1718
01:14:32,772 --> 01:14:34,470
and I get the multicolored ones.
1719
01:14:34,513 --> 01:14:36,472
Example, the most recent pack
I bought
1720
01:14:36,515 --> 01:14:38,082
was an orange pair
with white trim.
1721
01:14:38,125 --> 01:14:40,606
Love the color orange.
A white pair with orange trim.
1722
01:14:40,650 --> 01:14:41,999
I see what you've done,
you've jazzed up
1723
01:14:42,042 --> 01:14:43,391
a borin' pair of knickers.
1724
01:14:43,435 --> 01:14:45,263
Orange and white stripe,
be happy with those.
1725
01:14:45,306 --> 01:14:47,657
Navy blue with white spots,
they're me favorites.
1726
01:14:47,700 --> 01:14:50,486
And there's always a kind of
generic nana flowery pair
1727
01:14:50,529 --> 01:14:52,575
that I do not find offensive.
1728
01:14:52,618 --> 01:14:55,621
My point is this,
I think that Marks & Spencer's
1729
01:14:55,665 --> 01:14:57,188
are missin' a trick.
1730
01:14:57,231 --> 01:15:01,279
Why don't they do
a period pack of knickers?
1731
01:15:01,322 --> 01:15:03,237
Pink, red, red, red, brown.
1732
01:15:12,159 --> 01:15:13,770
For those optimistic months,
1733
01:15:13,813 --> 01:15:16,033
pink, red, red, brown,
red, fuck.
1734
01:15:23,606 --> 01:15:25,172
But obviously,
doing this for a livin',
1735
01:15:25,216 --> 01:15:26,739
I get home very late
at night often.
1736
01:15:26,783 --> 01:15:28,393
And I got home at 2:00
in the mornin' once
1737
01:15:28,436 --> 01:15:29,873
and my husband was still up
and he said,
1738
01:15:29,916 --> 01:15:31,875
"I've got something to show you
in the bedroom."
1739
01:15:31,918 --> 01:15:33,877
And I thought,
"Oh, I'm not in the mood."
1740
01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:35,966
"Let the dog out the crate."
1741
01:15:37,620 --> 01:15:39,056
We went to the bedroom,
my husband switched
1742
01:15:39,099 --> 01:15:41,537
on the big light
and gestured into the bed.
1743
01:15:41,580 --> 01:15:44,148
He went like this, "Ta-da!"
1744
01:15:45,671 --> 01:15:47,804
Ta-da!
1745
01:15:47,847 --> 01:15:49,849
He changed the beddin'.
1746
01:15:51,416 --> 01:15:53,331
Ta-da!
1747
01:15:53,374 --> 01:15:55,899
You know that way that some men
want a badge for somethin'
1748
01:15:55,942 --> 01:15:58,423
women do all the time.
1749
01:15:58,466 --> 01:16:00,077
The duvet cover he put on
was a nice one,
1750
01:16:00,120 --> 01:16:01,861
it's a really nice one,
it's a white one that we have
1751
01:16:01,905 --> 01:16:03,907
and it has a stripe of kind
of reddish flowers
1752
01:16:03,950 --> 01:16:06,257
and a stripe of kind of bluish
flowers, it's really nice.
1753
01:16:06,300 --> 01:16:09,086
The pillowcase
he put on were mint green.
1754
01:16:11,479 --> 01:16:12,742
No!
1755
01:16:14,526 --> 01:16:16,397
I said,
"What have you done that for?"
1756
01:16:16,441 --> 01:16:18,704
He said, "Done what?"
I said, "They don't match."
1757
01:16:18,748 --> 01:16:20,488
He said, "It doesn't matter,"
and I thought,
1758
01:16:20,532 --> 01:16:22,795
"Oh, he's sort of right.
Isn't he?"
1759
01:16:22,839 --> 01:16:24,362
And then I realized
why it did matter
1760
01:16:24,405 --> 01:16:25,885
and I said, "Yeah, but when I go
to change it again,
1761
01:16:25,929 --> 01:16:26,843
if I haven't done
all me washings,
1762
01:16:26,886 --> 01:16:28,409
I won't have all me sets.
1763
01:16:28,453 --> 01:16:30,107
And he went, "It's gonna be dark
in a minute."
1764
01:16:30,150 --> 01:16:32,544
And I thought,
"His reasonin' is really sound."
1765
01:16:33,937 --> 01:16:35,286
But even though it was 2:00
in the mornin',
1766
01:16:35,329 --> 01:16:37,984
I still made him
change the pillowcases.
1767
01:16:38,028 --> 01:16:39,595
We got into bed
straight afterwards.
1768
01:16:39,638 --> 01:16:42,249
My husband's a really calm,
easygoing, lovely man.
1769
01:16:42,293 --> 01:16:44,034
He just start to fall asleep.
I couldn't though.
1770
01:16:44,077 --> 01:16:47,646
I was wide awake
because I was livid.
1771
01:16:47,690 --> 01:16:51,650
Even though it was all fixed,
I was still fuckin' furious.
1772
01:16:51,694 --> 01:16:53,434
And I said to him,
"Can I say something?"
1773
01:16:53,478 --> 01:16:54,914
And he said, "Of course."
I said, "You know when you hear
1774
01:16:54,958 --> 01:16:57,003
on the news that in America,
1775
01:16:57,047 --> 01:16:59,876
a man has been stabbed 77 times
1776
01:16:59,919 --> 01:17:02,400
in a frenzied attack
by his wife."
1777
01:17:02,443 --> 01:17:04,532
He said, "Yeah."
I said, "I get it."
1778
01:17:06,752 --> 01:17:10,060
Did the police check
the pillowcases?
1779
01:17:10,103 --> 01:17:11,714
Did the police check to see
if there was a teaspoon
1780
01:17:11,757 --> 01:17:13,193
back in the drawer
that had been rinsed
1781
01:17:13,237 --> 01:17:16,588
but not properly fuckin' washed?
1782
01:17:16,632 --> 01:17:18,068
Did the police check to see
there's a toilet roll
1783
01:17:18,111 --> 01:17:20,113
just balanced on the holder
but not slotted
1784
01:17:20,157 --> 01:17:21,854
on the fuckin' thing?
1785
01:17:26,076 --> 01:17:27,904
My husband said,
"Look, it's all sorted now."
1786
01:17:27,947 --> 01:17:29,470
"Why don't we just try
and get some sleep?"
1787
01:17:29,514 --> 01:17:31,690
I said,
"Well, I'm not sure I can."
1788
01:17:31,734 --> 01:17:34,475
He said, "Why not?"
I said, "I'm wide awake."
1789
01:17:34,519 --> 01:17:37,696
So he said to me in the dark,
1790
01:17:37,740 --> 01:17:41,265
in his most coquettish voice,
1791
01:17:41,308 --> 01:17:45,312
he said,
"Is there anything I could do
1792
01:17:45,356 --> 01:17:47,227
that might help you
fall asleep?"
1793
01:17:47,271 --> 01:17:49,708
I said, "Oh, you could rub
me butt until I pass out."
1794
01:17:51,405 --> 01:17:53,581
"And do it fuckin' quietly."
1795
01:17:55,322 --> 01:17:56,976
"Oh, you bugger."
1796
01:18:07,726 --> 01:18:09,772
I've got a new theory.
See what you think of this.
1797
01:18:09,815 --> 01:18:11,121
I think this is
a pretty good theory.
1798
01:18:11,164 --> 01:18:12,905
My theory is
that the older we get,
1799
01:18:12,949 --> 01:18:15,473
the longer it takes us
to go to bed.
1800
01:18:15,516 --> 01:18:16,909
So if you know somebody
in their 80s
1801
01:18:16,953 --> 01:18:18,128
and they go to bed at 9 o'clock,
1802
01:18:18,171 --> 01:18:19,738
that's not what time
she goes to bed,
1803
01:18:19,782 --> 01:18:22,915
that's what time
she starts her checks.
1804
01:18:22,959 --> 01:18:26,571
I have made a comprehensive list
1805
01:18:26,614 --> 01:18:28,704
of everything I do
before I go to bed.
1806
01:18:28,747 --> 01:18:30,140
You might have
some of these things in common.
1807
01:18:30,183 --> 01:18:32,142
Let us see.
The first thing on my list,
1808
01:18:32,185 --> 01:18:35,754
the first thing I do before I go
to bed is I empty the dog.
1809
01:18:35,798 --> 01:18:37,451
Now you might call it
walkin' the dog,
1810
01:18:37,495 --> 01:18:39,976
but it's pretty functional
at that time of night.
1811
01:18:40,019 --> 01:18:41,804
I empty the dog.
1812
01:18:41,847 --> 01:18:43,544
Then I check the cat.
We've got two housecats.
1813
01:18:43,588 --> 01:18:45,633
I check that they're alright
and then if we've had it on,
1814
01:18:45,677 --> 01:18:48,158
I'll turn the heatin' down.
1815
01:18:48,201 --> 01:18:50,769
Then I check
that the conservatory doors
1816
01:18:50,813 --> 01:18:55,252
that have never been opened
are closed.
1817
01:18:55,295 --> 01:18:57,733
And I do that twice.
1818
01:18:59,386 --> 01:19:02,302
I apply ointments
to various orifices.
1819
01:19:04,304 --> 01:19:07,307
I take my makeup off.
I put my face cream on.
1820
01:19:07,351 --> 01:19:09,527
Now sometimes I don't bother
takin' my makeup off
1821
01:19:09,570 --> 01:19:12,008
and I just put my face cream
straight on top
1822
01:19:12,051 --> 01:19:14,706
and I wake up
and I look like a shiny panda.
1823
01:19:17,056 --> 01:19:19,798
I swill the bath
of earlier pubes.
1824
01:19:21,365 --> 01:19:22,845
I do a poo.
1825
01:19:24,107 --> 01:19:26,152
I reapply the cream.
1826
01:19:34,030 --> 01:19:35,683
I wash the finger.
1827
01:19:43,474 --> 01:19:46,259
I check the cooker
that hasn't been on is off.
1828
01:19:46,303 --> 01:19:49,872
Sometimes, not always,
but I might have a wank.
1829
01:19:49,915 --> 01:19:51,743
Then I'll have me last wee,
which if I've had a wank
1830
01:19:51,787 --> 01:19:54,572
can take a bit longer
'cause my fanny is confused.
1831
01:19:57,749 --> 01:19:59,272
Do a fart.
1832
01:20:00,186 --> 01:20:02,101
I reapply the cream.
1833
01:20:04,625 --> 01:20:07,977
And finally, I rub the finger
on the inside of my nightie.
1834
01:20:08,020 --> 01:20:10,370
[audience cheering]
1835
01:20:18,683 --> 01:20:20,076
It's a great reaction,
'cause you're all like,
1836
01:20:20,119 --> 01:20:22,382
"Oh, that's disgusting.
I do that as well."
1837
01:20:24,384 --> 01:20:25,821
You've been such a delight.
You really have.
1838
01:20:25,864 --> 01:20:27,997
Um, let me leave you
with one final thing.
1839
01:20:28,040 --> 01:20:29,999
Uh, I was in the car
and I had the radio on
1840
01:20:30,042 --> 01:20:31,652
and a song came on
by Little Mix.
1841
01:20:31,696 --> 01:20:33,306
Now I love Little Mix,
'cause I love a good pop song
1842
01:20:33,350 --> 01:20:34,525
and I think that's what
they're excellent at.
1843
01:20:34,568 --> 01:20:36,092
They're excellent in pop songs.
1844
01:20:36,135 --> 01:20:37,702
But I also like them
because I, too,
1845
01:20:37,745 --> 01:20:39,269
like to dance in my knickers
1846
01:20:39,312 --> 01:20:42,838
and that feels like
a lot of their job as well.
1847
01:20:42,881 --> 01:20:44,840
Now the song that came on
was very good,
1848
01:20:44,883 --> 01:20:47,277
but it was very breathy. All
of the lyrics were very breathy.
1849
01:20:47,320 --> 01:20:49,453
Everything they sang
started with a [deep breath]
1850
01:20:49,496 --> 01:20:52,064
and ended with a [deep breath]
It's very odd.
1851
01:20:52,108 --> 01:20:54,458
I used to produce audiobooks
for a livin'.
1852
01:20:54,501 --> 01:20:56,373
That's the sort of thing we
would have cut out in an edit
1853
01:20:56,416 --> 01:20:58,157
'cause it just sounds weird.
1854
01:20:58,201 --> 01:20:59,419
But this was through
the whole song.
1855
01:20:59,463 --> 01:21:01,030
It was clearly intentional.
1856
01:21:01,073 --> 01:21:02,292
And I thought, you know,
maybe this is just
1857
01:21:02,335 --> 01:21:03,684
what sexy is these days.
1858
01:21:03,728 --> 01:21:05,643
I'm in my 40s.
How the fuck would I know?
1859
01:21:05,686 --> 01:21:07,123
So I kind of forgot about it.
1860
01:21:07,166 --> 01:21:09,473
And a few days later,
I was sitting at home on my own.
1861
01:21:09,516 --> 01:21:11,083
I was watching the telly.
It was about midnight.
1862
01:21:11,127 --> 01:21:13,433
My husband was workin' away
and he rang me.
1863
01:21:13,477 --> 01:21:15,914
And in that split second
it took me to answer the call,
1864
01:21:15,958 --> 01:21:19,265
I thought, "I'm gonna see
if this works."
1865
01:21:19,309 --> 01:21:20,571
So I answered the phone
and I said,
1866
01:21:20,614 --> 01:21:21,877
"How's your day been, love?"
1867
01:21:21,920 --> 01:21:24,836
[breathing sharply]
1868
01:21:28,709 --> 01:21:30,624
And there's a little pause
and my husband said,
1869
01:21:30,668 --> 01:21:32,235
"Are you in the bedroom?"
And I thought, "Oh, my God,
1870
01:21:32,278 --> 01:21:34,977
it's working, it's working."
1871
01:21:35,020 --> 01:21:36,761
I said,
"What made you say that, love?"
1872
01:21:36,804 --> 01:21:39,111
[breathing sharply]
1873
01:21:40,983 --> 01:21:44,421
He said, "'Cause you sound like
you've just gone up the stairs."
1874
01:21:44,464 --> 01:21:46,336
You've been so lovely.
Thank you very much
1875
01:21:46,379 --> 01:21:47,728
for coming out. Goodnight.
1876
01:21:47,772 --> 01:21:50,079
[audience cheering]
1877
01:22:06,704 --> 01:22:09,620
[instrumental music]
144801
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