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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:29,464 [upbeat music] 4 00:00:29,507 --> 00:00:32,423 [audience cheering] 5 00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:43,130 Woman 1: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, 6 00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:45,393 Sarah Millican! 7 00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:58,145 Ah! 8 00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,711 Ooh! [laughs] 9 00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:07,197 What a lovely warm welcome. Thank you so much. 10 00:01:07,241 --> 00:01:10,896 You're so kind. How the fuck are you? Are you well? 11 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:13,508 Well, I'm glad. Give us a cheer if you're at the top level. 12 00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,336 [audience cheering] 13 00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:16,946 Second. 14 00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:18,252 [audience cheering] 15 00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:19,296 They're not sure which level they're on, 16 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:20,776 are they, those ones... 17 00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:21,994 Third. 18 00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:23,518 [audience cheering] 19 00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:24,606 Downstairs. 20 00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:27,217 [audience cheering] 21 00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:30,438 We're all here. Let's get fuckin' crackin'. 22 00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:32,701 Thank you so much for comin'. It's so lovely to see you all. 23 00:01:32,744 --> 00:01:36,400 I've been on tour since January. I absolutely love being on tour. 24 00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:38,402 I do love drivin', obviously, when we're on tour, 25 00:01:38,446 --> 00:01:41,188 and I've discovered recently that I get a touch of road rage. 26 00:01:41,231 --> 00:01:43,364 Anybody else get road rage? 27 00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:45,322 Yeah? I do the shoutin' and the swearin'. 28 00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:47,585 But my favorite thing is the hand gestures. 29 00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,240 I love the hand gestures. I do all three of them. 30 00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:52,155 I don't know if you know there's three. 31 00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:54,331 I start with that one. 32 00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:58,074 It's a classic, isn't it? And then I do that one. 33 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,294 And they don't always see that from the other car, 34 00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:03,862 so you do have to tilt your pelvis up quite high 35 00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:07,083 and mime a cock bigger than one that ever existed. 36 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:14,221 And the third one I do is this one. Oh! 37 00:02:14,264 --> 00:02:17,789 And that's when I realize that's not one of them, is it? Oh! 38 00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:21,663 I'm so annoyed by your drivin', I'm gonna suck your cock for ya. 39 00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:26,929 It's not one of them. Oh, you guys are fun. 40 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:29,497 This is gonna be fun. I can tell already. 41 00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,020 [laughs] 42 00:02:31,063 --> 00:02:33,283 I have been doing standup for 13 years. 43 00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:34,545 I absolutely love my job. 44 00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:35,807 When I first started doing standup, 45 00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:37,505 it was off the back of a divorce. 46 00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:40,334 So a lot of what I talked about on stage was divorce related. 47 00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:43,250 And I did a gig in the early days in Kidderminster. 48 00:02:45,077 --> 00:02:48,037 [laughs] That is so weird, 'cause you don't normally cheer 49 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,170 when you're actually in fuckin' Kidderminster. 50 00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,566 But a man came up to me after I've been on stage 51 00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:57,264 and he said, "I've got two things to say to you." 52 00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:58,830 I said, "Oh, really? What are they?" He said... 53 00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:00,223 "The first thing" he said is, 54 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,877 "Fuck me what you've been through." 55 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,533 I said, "I'm alright, flower. Thanks anyway, but I'm alright." 56 00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:06,664 I said, "What's the second thing?" 57 00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:08,144 He said, "Fuck me." 58 00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:13,193 Same words, very different intonation. 59 00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:15,238 I just ran to my car as quickly as I could 60 00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,197 'cause I needed to get him home. 61 00:03:20,635 --> 00:03:23,203 That bit's not true. I really wish it was. 62 00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:25,248 I just ran to my car and went home on my own. 63 00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:28,469 I was too scared. I've never been that confident sexually. 64 00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:30,340 Not like that. I've never been like, "Fuck me." 65 00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:33,648 I've never been like that, like that. Unh! 66 00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:34,997 Can't get away with that, can I? 67 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,433 I'm not sure anybody can 68 00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:38,305 who's in a party dress and plimsolls. 69 00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,570 [laughs] But even, like, 70 00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:44,311 in the intervening years, things haven't changed. 71 00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,487 I've been with the same bloke now for 12 years 72 00:03:46,530 --> 00:03:48,750 and even now I'm still a bit like, 73 00:03:48,793 --> 00:03:51,231 "I mean, do you fancy it?" 74 00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:52,536 "Should I wash it?" 75 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,889 "Would that help?" Probably it would. 76 00:03:57,933 --> 00:04:00,718 That's good to fuckin' know, isn't it? 77 00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:03,417 But before I start, properly I need to tell you somethin'. 78 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,070 [laughs] 79 00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:08,291 If at any point during the show, I stand a bit funny, 80 00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,293 like, maybe I stick me leg out like this 81 00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:12,948 or lift it up like this, anything where you think 82 00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:15,080 "What the fuck is she doing with her leg?" 83 00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:18,388 It's because I've literally just put a clean sanitary towel on. 84 00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:33,795 And it hasn't molded to me body yet. 85 00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:41,019 And then the problem is there's a little bit of wing 86 00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:42,325 stuck to me thigh. 87 00:04:49,027 --> 00:04:51,900 And I'm at the horniest part of my menstrual cycle. 88 00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:54,859 So you've been fuckin' warned. 89 00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,818 I just want somebody to hit it with a spoon, 90 00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:58,733 just a wooden spoon or a ladle, 91 00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:01,431 not a teaspoon, 'cause I'll only fuckin' lose that in there. 92 00:05:02,998 --> 00:05:04,695 I'm feeling much better having told you that. 93 00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,567 Thanks everybody. 94 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,133 I was talkin' to a friend of mine. 95 00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:10,005 I've got quite low self-esteem 96 00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:12,050 and my friend was tryin' to sort of cheer me up. 97 00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:13,835 And she said, "I think you're a fox." 98 00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,315 I said, "Shut up, I'm not a fox." 99 00:05:15,358 --> 00:05:16,707 She said, "You are. I think you're a fox." 100 00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:18,100 I said, "Shut up, I'm not a fox." 101 00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:20,711 And then I had to think about it, and I thought 102 00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:24,367 maybe I am a fox and that I regularly eat out of bins. 103 00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:29,067 I was in a hotel in London. I'd been at work. 104 00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:30,939 I brought a croissant to eat when I got back, 105 00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:32,680 but, of course, when I got back, I didn't want a croissant. 106 00:05:32,723 --> 00:05:34,638 I wanted something from room service, 107 00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:36,553 something with gravy on. 108 00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:39,077 So I put the croissant in the bin and then I fell asleep. 109 00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:41,384 When I woke up and it was too late for room service, 110 00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:44,996 I got the croissant back out of the bin and I ate it. 111 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,390 When I told my friend I'd eaten a croissant out of a bin, 112 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,305 and she went, "Ooh, posh." 113 00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:54,963 And the name I do sometimes call myself as a reverse hulk. 114 00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:57,269 Do you remember the Hulk? The Incredible Hulk? Yes? 115 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:58,923 Yeah, I'm a reverse hulk 116 00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:01,491 because I burst out of clothes and then get mad. 117 00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:06,583 It's lovely to be here. I do miss my little dog 118 00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,672 when I'm on the road. I've got a little dog. He's adorable. 119 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:10,413 He's a rescue dog. He's very sweet. 120 00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:11,893 He doesn't get on with other dogs. 121 00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:13,590 So that's the one problem we have with him. 122 00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:16,114 He will bark at all other dogs. 123 00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:19,379 But I just use the fact that he's a rescue if that comes up. 124 00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,946 So, say, I'm out walkin' him and he barks at another dog, 125 00:06:21,990 --> 00:06:25,515 the other owner will look at me, like, "Control your dog." 126 00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,952 And I'll just turn to her and I'll say, 127 00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:31,826 "I'm really sorry... but he's a rescue." 128 00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:35,090 And then she'll turn to me and she'll say, 129 00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,701 "I'm so sorry for what he's been through." 130 00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:41,226 When the truth is, his owner died and we got him. 131 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:43,794 That's what he's been through. 132 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,927 You can't do that with blokes, can you? 133 00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,541 If a bloke's fightin' in a pub, you can't go, 134 00:06:51,585 --> 00:06:55,240 "I'm really sorry... but he's a rescue." 135 00:06:57,068 --> 00:07:00,550 "Just found him wanderin' around Debenhams on his own." 136 00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,247 "And we've checked and he's not married, 137 00:07:02,291 --> 00:07:03,727 'cause he hasn't been chipped." 138 00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,862 The dog hurt his paw a few months ago. 139 00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:09,907 Hurt his paw, so rang the vet, and it was out of hours. 140 00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:11,518 Took him up straight through to the vet herself. 141 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:12,910 She said, "What's the problem?" 142 00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:14,521 I said, "The dog's hurt his paw." 143 00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:15,739 She said, "Which paw?" 144 00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:19,482 And I said, "It's his left hand." 145 00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:23,617 She said, "His what?" I said, "His left hand." 146 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,314 She said, "You mean his foreleg?" 147 00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:27,229 I said, "I don't know, I didn't go to university 148 00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:29,187 like you did, flower." 149 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,972 "To me, it's his left hand." 150 00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,365 I know what you're thinkin'. You think I humanize the dog. 151 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,193 I know that's what you're thinkin'. Fuck off, I don't. 152 00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:37,108 I don't humanize him. Fuck off, I don't. 153 00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:39,284 So I took his, uh, waistcoat off and I took him to the vet. 154 00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:43,288 I got him all bandaged up. Brought him home. 155 00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:44,986 My husband was away at the time and I thought 156 00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:46,553 I should probably ring him, let him know what's goin' on, 157 00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,337 so I did. He said, "What's the matter?" 158 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,817 I said, "The dog's hurt his paw." 159 00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,210 My husband said, "Which paw?" 160 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:53,951 And I thought, "What's the fuckin' fuss it is 161 00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:57,085 with which paw? It's not like it's the one he writes with." 162 00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:03,744 I said, "It was his left hand." My husband said, "His what?" 163 00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:05,223 I said, "His left hand." 164 00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,443 He said, "Ah, you mean front passenger side." 165 00:08:14,929 --> 00:08:17,932 The dog sleeps downstairs. His choice, he sleeps on the sofa. 166 00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:19,499 And then in the morning when he wakes up, 167 00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:21,326 he comes up to our bedroom and every single day, 168 00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:24,025 he asks permission to get on the bed. It's adorable. 169 00:08:24,068 --> 00:08:27,855 He pats the side of the bed with both hands. Hands. 170 00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,900 And then I wake up and I go, "Go on then." 171 00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:32,250 And he jumps up on the bed and sort of little spoons me, 172 00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:34,601 kind of lies here like this, we all fall back to sleep again 173 00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:36,646 for another half an hour or so. It's adorable. 174 00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:39,431 The other day though, having fallen back to sleep again, 175 00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,433 I woke up because he was growlin' and I thought, 176 00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,218 "What's he growlin' at? What's goin' on here?" 177 00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,089 What had happened, because they're sort of 178 00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:48,832 loose in the night, one of me boobs had landed on his head. 179 00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:57,580 The dog is very little, my tits are not. 180 00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:01,192 [imitates dog growling] 181 00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,631 Poor little bugger, he's lucky he didn't get caught 182 00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:06,763 between them, he'd be fuckin' dead. 183 00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,247 We've got two cats as well. 184 00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,336 We've basically got pets instead of kids. 185 00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:16,251 Give us a cheer if you have got kids. 186 00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:17,644 [audience cheering] 187 00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,602 Give us a cheer if you've got pets instead. 188 00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:21,343 [audience cheering] 189 00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,040 It's not as many of us, but we're fuckin' happier, 190 00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,694 aren't we? 191 00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:26,348 I've got a friend who's just had a baby. 192 00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,350 I don't know anything about babies. I said to her... 193 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,265 I said, "How long can you leave her for?" 194 00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:34,617 My friend was like, "You can't leave babies on their own." 195 00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:35,966 I said, "Can you not? That's rubbish." 196 00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:38,621 "I could leave the dog for four hours." 197 00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,580 But I'm so rubbish with kids. I was in a shoe shop. 198 00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,320 You know the little seats you sit on to try on the shoes, 199 00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:44,409 I sat on one of those and a lady sat right beside me 200 00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:46,150 and she pushed her buggy in front of us both. 201 00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,500 And in the buggy was a little girl who sort of turned to me 202 00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:50,894 as if to start a conversation. I panicked a little bit. 203 00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,548 This is out of my comfort zone, but I thought, 204 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,071 "Let's just see how it goes." 205 00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:57,031 She turned to me and she went, "What's your name?" 206 00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,815 And I thought, "Oh, this is gonna be a piece of piss." 207 00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:01,688 "I already know the answer to question number one." 208 00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:04,560 I said, "My name's Sarah," and then she went, 209 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,953 "What's your hair?" 210 00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:07,258 What's your hair? 211 00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:10,131 What kind of fuckin' question is that? 212 00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,655 With my self-esteem, I felt like she was being quite judgy, 213 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,918 if I'm honest, like she's looking at me and goin', 214 00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:16,659 "What the fuck's happenin' here like?" 215 00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:20,794 So I just asked her who her dad was and she didn't know 216 00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:22,491 and it got really awkward. 217 00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,714 But my friend who has the baby also has a two year old. 218 00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,411 She has a two year old and a three month old, 219 00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:31,152 both little girls, and I went to visit them. 220 00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:32,849 And the baby was a little bit fractious, 221 00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:34,677 so my friend said, "You mind while I sort the baby out, 222 00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:36,374 could you look after the little one?" I said, "Of course." 223 00:10:36,418 --> 00:10:37,985 'Cause I thought, "How hard can it be 224 00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:40,074 to look after a two year old?" 225 00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,728 She'll definitely tell me when she wants 226 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,600 to go outside for a wee. 227 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,776 And I've nearly always got meaty snacks in me pockets. 228 00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,822 So they're gonna go down a treat later on. 229 00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,345 She was lovely, very chatty, the whole time, 230 00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:51,999 chat-chat-chat, chat-chat-chat. 231 00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:55,350 But I couldn't make fuckin' head and a tail of anything she said. 232 00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:57,831 She was at that weird sort of gibberish age where she's just 233 00:10:57,874 --> 00:11:00,877 lookin' at me and goin', "Hubba tata tapa tata tat." 234 00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:02,879 I thought to just say yes to see if that would kind of 235 00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,186 move her on. "Yes." Didn't work. 236 00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:06,709 And in the end, the kitchen door opened 237 00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,755 and my friend had the baby like this, and she went, 238 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,844 "She's trying to tell you about Peter Rabbit." 239 00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,410 I said, "Is she? Fuck!" 240 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,371 The only thing I understood out of this kid's mouth 241 00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,068 the whole time I was there... I was reading a book to her. 242 00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:19,635 And I got a bit distracted by the pictures 243 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,854 and I said, "Look, there's a bird, 244 00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,507 and there's a ladybird." 245 00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:24,466 And she looked me straight in the eyes and she went, 246 00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,468 "Read on." Ooh. 247 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,777 But I always think what I hear when kids talk to me 248 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:35,042 is probably what Stephen Fry hears when I talk to him. 249 00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:37,044 Like, I think I'm saying something really eloquent 250 00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:39,176 and well thought out and he just hears, 251 00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:43,093 "I like chips. What's your hair?" Hm. 252 00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,184 But I've been spending a bit of time with my family. 253 00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,404 Uh, I took my mum shoppin'. My mum's in a wheelchair. 254 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,667 We went into a department store, went to the disabled toilet 255 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,669 within the department store. She had a wee. 256 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,889 And I thought, "While I'm in, I'll have a quick wee as well." 257 00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:58,500 But I knew I needed to fart. 258 00:11:58,543 --> 00:11:59,588 And the problem was that the toilet 259 00:11:59,631 --> 00:12:00,807 was on a very busy thoroughfare, 260 00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,156 lot of people going past that door. 261 00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:03,853 So I said to me mum, "Do us a favor, mum." 262 00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:06,116 She said, "What?" I said, "Clap." 263 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,031 I don't know why I said clap. 264 00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:10,686 I think I thought the noise would drown it out. 265 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,601 But also I am very comfortable with applause. 266 00:12:12,644 --> 00:12:16,692 This is my job after all. So she did. She went like this. 267 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,476 [claps] She did one. 268 00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:24,004 I said, "How good you think me timing is, mum?" 269 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,657 And the problem we had is when she clapped, 270 00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,050 the lights went off. 271 00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,401 But luckily, I did a big loud fart 272 00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:32,229 and they came back on again! 273 00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,364 My, uh... 274 00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:39,323 My mum delivers compliments in a very interesting way. 275 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,890 Some of you might have mums like this. 276 00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:43,284 Some of you might be mums like this. 277 00:12:43,327 --> 00:12:45,329 For example, when my hair was a lot longer, 278 00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:48,506 instead of saying your hair looks nice, my mum said, 279 00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:52,597 "Oh, you're not gonna get your hair cut, are you?" 280 00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:55,426 So I've stopped saying I love you and now I just say, 281 00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,428 "I'll be really sad when you die." 282 00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:05,045 A few months ago, I was playing a game of Jenga 283 00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,873 with some friends and a couple of days after that, 284 00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,309 I was talking to me dad on the phone, I thought 285 00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:09,963 I'll tell him about it, and then I thought, 286 00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:12,835 I don't know if me dad knows what Jenga is. He's in his 70s. 287 00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,402 I don't know when it first became popular, 288 00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,795 so I thought I'll ask him. 289 00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:18,362 So I said, "Dad, do you know what Jenga is?" 290 00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:21,017 And he said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, like sex." 291 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:26,631 I said, "Jenga." He said, "Yeah. Sex." 292 00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,808 I had so many questions 293 00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:31,898 and I didn't want any of the answers. 294 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,160 But I said to him, I said, "Can I ask 295 00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,726 which word you think I'm sayin'?" 296 00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:36,554 And he said, "Yeah, gender." 297 00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:39,862 I said, "Oh, thank fuck for that!" 298 00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,298 I had a horrible idea that that's what him 299 00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:43,170 and me mum called it. 300 00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:45,955 He's trying to pull himself out without toppling her over. 301 00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:54,268 And I got one sister. It's just the two of us. 302 00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:56,270 My sister is six years older than me. 303 00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,620 When she was a teenager, she used to talk 304 00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:01,536 very slang, very Geordie slang, and my mum didn't like it. 305 00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,451 So my mum would correct her 306 00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:07,803 and me being the little shitty sister, I would help. 307 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,805 So if my sister said, "I'm gaanoot" 308 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,068 my mum would correct her and say, "I'm going out ." 309 00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,244 My sister would have to repeat I'm going out 310 00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:16,856 before she was allowed to go out. 311 00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,553 And I'd just be standing beside them both sayin' 312 00:14:18,596 --> 00:14:22,687 I'm going out, like the arsehole that I was. 313 00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:24,211 There was a time my sister was really ill. 314 00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:25,821 She had a really bad finger, she went to the hospital 315 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,954 with my mum, they came back in from A&E, and I said 316 00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:30,173 to my sister, "What's the matter with your finger then?" 317 00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:32,480 She said, "Oh, they said it's gangrene." 318 00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:35,396 And I genuinely said, "Going green." 319 00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,356 Like I probably thought a medical doctor had gone, 320 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,271 [Geordie accent] "That's gangrene." 321 00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:44,448 "Then it's gonna gan broon, then it's gonna fall off." 322 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,192 We went on two holidays abroad when I was a kid. 323 00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:52,413 Went to Malta when I was four, went to Spain when I was eight. 324 00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,067 When I was eight, we went to Spain. 325 00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:57,157 My holiday present was a baby doll, very nice. 326 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,899 But it was like this. It was huge. 327 00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,248 I think that's when I first got an idea 328 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,120 that I might not want to have kids. 329 00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:06,340 'Cause I had an inkling that it came off part of a lady 330 00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:07,950 and I was pretty convinced no part of me 331 00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,039 would have allowed that. 332 00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,388 I say that like that's changed. 333 00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:13,825 No part of me would still allow that. 334 00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:15,610 Fuck off, it wouldn't. Fuck off. 335 00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,136 The fun thing about the baby doll, it had a dummy. 336 00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:22,486 Took the dummy out, baby cried really loudly. 337 00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:24,227 Put the dummy back in, baby stopped crying. 338 00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:26,273 Now if you ask any woman in this room when she first 339 00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:29,406 feels like she became a woman, most women would probably say 340 00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:31,887 when they started their period. I think that's pretty standard. 341 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,108 Not me. I know exactly the day that I became a woman. 342 00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:37,675 It was on that holiday, at the age of eight, 343 00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:40,896 the night we lost the baby doll's dummy. 344 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:47,076 Because on the same night, I was bitten on the nipple... 345 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,556 Oh, a few people are laughing at that already. 346 00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:50,514 It's not technically funny yet. 347 00:15:50,558 --> 00:15:53,387 You don't know what by. I could be about to say by a pedophile. 348 00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,567 It was a mosquito. You're lucky it was funny. 349 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,482 I was bitten on the nipple by a mosquito, 350 00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:05,442 had a terrible reaction and grew an actual boob. 351 00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:07,749 So I know I became a woman that night because I was 352 00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:10,056 eight years old in an adult bra 353 00:16:10,099 --> 00:16:12,797 and my baby would not shut the fuck up. 354 00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:21,023 A few months ago, I decided to go for a bra fittin'. 355 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,243 Give us a whoo if you've ever been for a bra fittin'. 356 00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:24,722 Audience: Whoo! 357 00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:27,073 Give us a whoo if you did not enjoy it. 358 00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:28,813 Audience: Whoo! 359 00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:30,772 Exactly the same people again. 360 00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:32,382 It's a very odd experience, isn't it? 361 00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:33,949 In a second, I'll give you an opportunity 362 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,733 should you want to shout out and tell me what it was 363 00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:37,431 you didn't like about your bra fittin', 364 00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,563 but let me give you a couple of examples to start you off. 365 00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,000 There was a lady a few months ago, I said, 366 00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,784 "What didn't you like about your bra fittin'?" 367 00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:45,091 And she shouted out, "Cold hands." And I get it. 368 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:46,483 'Cause cold hands aren't very pleasant to touch 369 00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,050 and they do have touch you at various times, 370 00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:49,486 but I had to think about it. 371 00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:53,229 And I think I prefer cold hands to warm hands. 372 00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:54,926 Warm hands kind of ick me out. 373 00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:57,799 Warm hands imply to me that they've been doing this. 374 00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,888 "Ooh. 375 00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:03,587 "Ooh, She'll see me 10 o'clock, I cannot wait. Ooh." 376 00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,850 Eh! 377 00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,200 There was a lady not long ago, I said, 378 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:08,723 "What didn't you like about your bra fittin'?" 379 00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,681 She shouted out, "It was embarrassin'." 380 00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,118 I said, "Of course, it's embarrassin', flower." 381 00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:13,728 But I said, "Was there one moment 382 00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:16,383 that was worse than the rest?" She said, "Oh, yes. 383 00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:19,081 When I took me bra off, two bits of popcorn fell out." 384 00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:27,916 You know, probably, the easiest way to talk to you guys 385 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,396 is to kind of talk to you in a kind of 386 00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,137 upstairs and kind of downstairs. 387 00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:33,008 That probably makes a bit of sense to me, but if we do 388 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,358 kind of this half, if-- if I'm the centerpoint, 389 00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:37,404 let's do this half as one side, this half as the other, 390 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:40,407 and we'll do upstairs and then downstairs. That sound alright? 391 00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:43,105 Yeah, okay, anybody on this side, upstairs and on this side 392 00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,454 wanna shout and tell me what you didn't like 393 00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:45,586 about your bra fittin'? 394 00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:46,978 [indistinct shouting] 395 00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:49,198 There was a lady somewhere here. Give us a wave. 396 00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:50,939 Who's it? Yeah, what did you say, my love? 397 00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:55,204 Woman 2: I was disappointed. - You were disappointed? 398 00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:59,121 And also your accent is the best accent to be disappointed in. 399 00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:00,992 [speaks with an accent] "I was disappointed." 400 00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,177 Why were you disappointed, my love? 401 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,831 - It was a woman. - It was a woman? 402 00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:22,840 Sarah: She's clappin' herself, I love 403 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:24,625 that she's clappin' herself. "That was really funny." 404 00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:26,844 "I was really funny just then." 405 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,586 Were you expectin' a good gropin'? 406 00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:31,936 Was that what you were wantin'? You were, weren't you? 407 00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:34,852 Oh, my God, there was a lady who shouted out quite recently. 408 00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:37,638 Uh, she said, uh, that it was a male bra fitter. 409 00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:39,335 And we were all really shocked, the whole audience 410 00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:41,642 were like, "Oh, my God," and I said, "Which shop was that?" 411 00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,209 'Cause I thought, let's find out, and all the women 412 00:18:43,252 --> 00:18:45,689 were, like, ready to write it down. 413 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:48,127 And a man in a totally different part of the room went, 414 00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,954 "My shop." [laughs] 415 00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:54,437 Made me laugh. Uh, anybody else on this side? 416 00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,700 Woman 3: Wonky boobs. - Give us a wave. Where are you? 417 00:18:56,744 --> 00:18:58,224 There you are right in the front. Hello, my love. 418 00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,660 - What did you say? - Wonky boobs. 419 00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:03,098 Wonky boobs? This is a heckle? No? 420 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,318 No, it's true. You never know in this section. 421 00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,842 You never know. Uh, wonky boobs. 422 00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:10,714 She pointed out that one is somewhat larger than the other. 423 00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,455 "She pointed out that one..." What is some... 424 00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:16,198 I love the-- the use of the word somewhat larger than the other. 425 00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:18,940 - But aren't everybody's? Yes. - Yes. 426 00:19:18,983 --> 00:19:20,681 Did she do the traditional test? I don't know if you know 427 00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:22,465 there's a traditional test for findin' out which 428 00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,250 is your bigger one. I don't know if you know this. 429 00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:26,165 [imitates honking] That's it. 430 00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,430 [Sarah laughs] 431 00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:33,172 [imitates honking] Ah, that one. 432 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:36,566 [laughs] And that is a joke, and if anybody does that to you 433 00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:38,220 and you have not given them permission, 434 00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:41,136 go to the fuckin' police. 435 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,573 Thanks very much, my love. Anybody else over this side? 436 00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:45,184 What about over this side? Oh, yes, give us a wave. 437 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:46,446 - What did-- The style? Woman 4: The style. 438 00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,926 - The style. - She was older than me-- 439 00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:50,406 Sarah: She was... And I'm just lettin' everybody else know. 440 00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:53,366 She was older than you. How much older was she than you? 441 00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,411 Couple-- A couple of decades? 442 00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:58,414 - Try three. - Three decades older than you? 443 00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,286 Woman 4: Yeah. - And how old are you roughly? 444 00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:01,852 Don't let tell us. Just decades... Don't tell us. 445 00:20:01,896 --> 00:20:03,593 You don't have to tell us properly, but like... 446 00:20:03,637 --> 00:20:05,508 40s, 50s? What are you? 30s? 447 00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:08,816 - I'm 54. - 54? She was 84? 448 00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:17,738 Did she try and fit you with a sanitary belt as well, 449 00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:20,262 did she? Thank you very much. 450 00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:21,916 There was a lady here. There was a lady in the glasses there. 451 00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,179 Hello, my lovely. Wh-- what happened to you, my love? 452 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,660 It was roastin' in Marksy's and they made me wait 453 00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:28,705 and then in the end, they pass the tape measure around 454 00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,533 and I was clammy. 455 00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:33,406 Oh. It was roastin' in Marksy's. 456 00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,190 That was the first part of the story. 457 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,627 - And then you were clammy. - Clammy. 458 00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:40,282 Yeah, did she comment on the clamminess? Hm. 459 00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:44,112 Did the-- did the tape measure just, like, stick? 460 00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,291 That's what I would worry about, like, "Uh, you're never gonna 461 00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:53,295 get this back, flower. It's stuck to me underboobs." 462 00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,906 It hasn't been dry under there since fuckin' April. 463 00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,346 Fact. Thank you very much, my love. 464 00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:01,738 Over this side? Anybody over this side? 465 00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,871 What you didn't like about your bra fittin'? 466 00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:05,568 Woman 5: The slang. - Give us a wave. 467 00:21:05,612 --> 00:21:08,789 There you are. Oh, you're right here. What... The slang? 468 00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:10,791 What-- what-- what slang did she use? 469 00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,488 Woman 5: She said, "You're between a gosh 470 00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:14,316 and a golly gosh." 471 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,363 She said, "You're between a gosh and a golly gosh?" 472 00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:27,111 Are you sure it was a professional bra fitter? 473 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,637 Anybody else? 474 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:31,855 Woman 6: They told me there were no bras for me 475 00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,379 in all of Marks & Spencer's. 476 00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:35,816 They told you there were no bras for you? 477 00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:38,688 Like, in the whole shop? 478 00:21:38,732 --> 00:21:40,255 Nothing for you. 479 00:21:41,822 --> 00:21:43,432 And was that because you're too big? Too small? 480 00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:45,652 - What was the reason? - I have no idea. 481 00:21:45,695 --> 00:21:47,131 Sarah: You don't know? She didn't tell you? 482 00:21:47,175 --> 00:21:49,569 She just said, "None for you." 483 00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:53,660 And you went, "Okay." [laughs] 484 00:21:53,703 --> 00:21:54,878 Are you, I know it's, I can't-- I can't quite see 485 00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:56,358 you got a dark top on, are you 486 00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:58,447 excessively big, excessively small? 487 00:21:58,491 --> 00:22:00,362 - No? - Actually-- actually, average. 488 00:22:00,406 --> 00:22:02,146 - She'll tell you. - Average? 489 00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:03,800 Nothing wrong with that. Oh, she's... Yeah, are you... 490 00:22:03,844 --> 00:22:05,367 - Is it... Are you related? - No! 491 00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:07,151 No, no? Oh, you're just... 492 00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:09,763 You just pointed at another lady's boobs and said average. 493 00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:20,077 You don't know each other? You've just met tonight? 494 00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:25,126 And you think her boobs are average? 495 00:22:25,169 --> 00:22:26,997 I... No bras for you. I can see why she said it. 496 00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:28,608 No bras for you. 497 00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:31,088 Chopsy fuck! 498 00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,136 Thank you. And there was somebody at the back I think. 499 00:22:35,179 --> 00:22:37,007 Shout again. There you are. 500 00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:39,619 Woman 7: They said they only got one bra, so I took a coup-- 501 00:22:39,662 --> 00:22:41,577 They said... Uh, hold on. 502 00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:44,406 The shop said they only had one bra? 503 00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,234 Maybe you got there too late. 504 00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:51,065 "We got one left. You're gonna have to fit it." 505 00:22:51,108 --> 00:22:52,675 "It's all we've got." 506 00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:54,068 "There's a blond lady behind you." 507 00:22:54,111 --> 00:22:56,592 "We're gonna have to turn her away." 508 00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:58,942 You said they only got one bra? 509 00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:00,553 - The only one that will fit-- Sarah: Oh. 510 00:23:00,596 --> 00:23:02,859 "The only one that'll fit you is a Doreen." 511 00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:07,298 I really apologize if there's anybody 512 00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:09,953 called Doreen in the room. 513 00:23:09,997 --> 00:23:13,827 But it's not what you want your bra to be called, is it? 514 00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:17,831 They only had a Doreen. Did you try the Doreen on? 515 00:23:17,874 --> 00:23:20,355 Uh, yes, but it only comes in flesh and-- 516 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,444 It only comes in flesh. 517 00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:26,709 Do you mean flesh-colored? 518 00:23:26,753 --> 00:23:29,799 Or do you mean only comes in actual flesh? 519 00:23:32,846 --> 00:23:35,718 Was it part of a woman called Doreen? 520 00:23:38,155 --> 00:23:39,983 [laughs] 521 00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:42,682 "Oh, I'll have the flesh-colored one. Oh, it really smells." 522 00:23:42,725 --> 00:23:44,248 [laughs] 523 00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:45,728 I didn't know, did-- did anybody else know 524 00:23:45,772 --> 00:23:48,209 that they name them after ladies? 525 00:23:48,252 --> 00:23:50,037 Yes, some of you did. 526 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:53,040 A gosh, a golly gosh and a Doreen. 527 00:23:53,083 --> 00:23:55,216 We've fuckin' learned a lot tonight, haven't we? 528 00:23:56,609 --> 00:23:58,088 Anybody else on this side? 529 00:23:58,132 --> 00:23:59,829 [indistinct] 530 00:23:59,873 --> 00:24:01,918 You forgot to cut your hairy nipples? 531 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,365 Ah, I fuckin' love women. I love women so much. 532 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,326 I'll bet you haven't told your closest friends that, 533 00:24:18,369 --> 00:24:20,023 but you'll tell all of us. 534 00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:26,029 And what happened? Did the lady comment on it or not? 535 00:24:26,073 --> 00:24:28,771 - Gave 'em a stroke. - She gave 'em a little stroke? 536 00:24:28,815 --> 00:24:30,425 Fuck off, she didn't. 537 00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:32,383 Do you want me to plait that for you? 538 00:24:34,429 --> 00:24:36,649 [laughs] Thank you very much. There was another one over here. 539 00:24:36,692 --> 00:24:38,085 Give us a wave. There you are, love. What... 540 00:24:38,128 --> 00:24:39,652 W-- what happened to you, my love? 541 00:24:39,695 --> 00:24:41,871 Woman 8: Um, she had to go and get a second opinion. 542 00:24:41,915 --> 00:24:44,961 She had to get a second opinion? 543 00:24:45,005 --> 00:24:47,094 [laughs] W-- w-- what is so... 544 00:24:47,137 --> 00:24:48,748 W-- What was it she wasn't sure? 545 00:24:48,791 --> 00:24:50,576 Why am I doin' this? I'm so sorry. 546 00:24:50,619 --> 00:24:52,534 This is so offensive. I'm so sorry. 547 00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:54,449 What was it that she didn't understand 548 00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,798 that she needed to get checked? 549 00:24:55,842 --> 00:24:58,235 Uh, she thought I had a third nipple. 550 00:24:58,279 --> 00:25:00,368 She thought you had a third nipple? 551 00:25:00,411 --> 00:25:03,545 Well, what fuckin' business is that of hers? 552 00:25:03,589 --> 00:25:07,897 Unless you need a bra for the third one, she should fuck off. 553 00:25:07,941 --> 00:25:10,247 And did you know this? Was this a surprise to you? 554 00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:12,467 Well, I'd been eating bran flakes for break-- 555 00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,600 You'd been eating bran flakes. 556 00:25:24,740 --> 00:25:27,830 [laughs] I'm guessin' it wasn't a third nipple then? 557 00:25:29,702 --> 00:25:31,181 So she went and got someone... 558 00:25:31,225 --> 00:25:33,314 Had you picked it off in the meantime? 559 00:25:36,186 --> 00:25:39,233 You waited to see what her reaction would be. 560 00:25:39,276 --> 00:25:43,846 [laughs] Oh, my God, that is hilarious. 561 00:25:43,890 --> 00:25:46,762 Yeah, I think she deserves a round of applause. 562 00:25:46,806 --> 00:25:49,025 [audience applauding] 563 00:25:49,069 --> 00:25:51,854 Oh. Oh, God. 564 00:25:51,898 --> 00:25:54,901 Oh, well done, Birmingham. That was excellent. Jesus. 565 00:25:54,944 --> 00:25:56,250 In fact, shall we give everybody 566 00:25:56,293 --> 00:25:58,252 a round of applause who joined in? 567 00:25:58,295 --> 00:26:00,602 [applause] 568 00:26:05,433 --> 00:26:07,174 Sometimes I quite like findin' out where people 569 00:26:07,217 --> 00:26:08,784 have gone for their bra fittin'. 570 00:26:08,828 --> 00:26:10,394 Uh, there was a lady who recently shouted out... 571 00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:11,874 And I didn't know this was a thing. 572 00:26:11,918 --> 00:26:13,659 She had her bra fittin' done in Ann Summers. 573 00:26:13,702 --> 00:26:15,486 - Did you know that was a thing? Audience: Yes. 574 00:26:15,530 --> 00:26:16,662 Ooh, few of you did. 575 00:26:16,705 --> 00:26:17,967 Now those ladies who said yes, 576 00:26:18,011 --> 00:26:19,621 answer me this question then. 577 00:26:19,665 --> 00:26:21,754 Do they measure you for everything there? 578 00:26:23,451 --> 00:26:24,495 "Oh, I'm gonna need a bigger one." 579 00:26:24,539 --> 00:26:26,062 "It's just rattlin' around." 580 00:26:32,721 --> 00:26:35,115 There was a lady who once said that she had hers done in Aldi 581 00:26:35,158 --> 00:26:38,509 and I'm almost certain you can't get it done in there. 582 00:26:38,553 --> 00:26:41,425 There's just a nice young lad in the stockroom, very obliging. 583 00:26:43,297 --> 00:26:45,038 You can't make an appointment, you've just gotta go in 584 00:26:45,081 --> 00:26:46,822 and ask if Terry's on. 585 00:26:49,477 --> 00:26:52,741 [laughs] There was a lady who recently shouted out 586 00:26:52,785 --> 00:26:54,351 "Too many mirrors." That's what she shouted out. 587 00:26:54,395 --> 00:26:56,092 "Too many mirrors." And I think she's right. 588 00:26:56,136 --> 00:26:57,659 I think there are too many mirrors, 589 00:26:57,703 --> 00:26:59,966 'cause when I went for mine, the lady said to me, 590 00:27:00,009 --> 00:27:02,533 "And would you like to look at the back of the bra?" 591 00:27:02,577 --> 00:27:05,232 And I thought, "No." 592 00:27:05,275 --> 00:27:07,364 Then I thought maybe I'm missin' out on something, 593 00:27:07,408 --> 00:27:10,063 so had to look. Turns out I've got back tits as well! 594 00:27:14,284 --> 00:27:15,764 "Oh, I didn't know about those." 595 00:27:15,808 --> 00:27:18,071 "Thanks for pointin' them out, you fuckin' cow." 596 00:27:19,594 --> 00:27:20,900 I'm surprised she didn't try to sell me a bra 597 00:27:20,943 --> 00:27:22,466 for the back ones, you know. 598 00:27:24,251 --> 00:27:25,818 But I'll tell you what happened to me, so every now and again, 599 00:27:25,861 --> 00:27:28,124 I have to have a photoshoot. Now I hate photoshoots. 600 00:27:28,168 --> 00:27:30,126 'Cause I have really bad body image issues. 601 00:27:30,170 --> 00:27:32,302 So a photoshoot for somebody like me is a nightmare. 602 00:27:32,346 --> 00:27:33,739 But sometimes they're unavoidable. 603 00:27:33,782 --> 00:27:35,131 And I had two in the space of a fortnight. 604 00:27:35,175 --> 00:27:36,437 One for the cover of my book 605 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,178 and one for the poster for this tour. 606 00:27:38,221 --> 00:27:39,701 And I had a lady who was helping me pick some clothes 607 00:27:39,745 --> 00:27:40,963 for the photoshoots, and I said to her, 608 00:27:41,007 --> 00:27:42,704 "Look, I don't have the time or indeed, 609 00:27:42,748 --> 00:27:44,706 the inclination to lose any weight. 610 00:27:44,750 --> 00:27:46,708 I said, "Could you recommend anything that might make me look 611 00:27:46,752 --> 00:27:48,797 a bit better?" And she said, "Go for a bra fittin'." 612 00:27:48,841 --> 00:27:52,714 She said, "A properly fitted bra will knock pounds off you." 613 00:27:52,758 --> 00:27:55,325 And I said, "How many bras could I wear?" 614 00:27:57,066 --> 00:28:00,156 Front tits, back tits, arse-cheeks maybe. 615 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,505 But the place she recommended to me was, 616 00:28:01,549 --> 00:28:02,898 until about four months ago, 617 00:28:02,942 --> 00:28:04,421 known as the Queens Bra Fitter, 618 00:28:04,465 --> 00:28:06,728 which I find a very odd thing to boast about. 619 00:28:06,772 --> 00:28:09,513 I find that a very unusual thing to brag about. 620 00:28:09,557 --> 00:28:11,733 I've never once watched Trooping The Color on the telly 621 00:28:11,777 --> 00:28:15,868 and thought, "Oh, I wish I had tits like hers." 622 00:28:15,911 --> 00:28:17,783 But I made an appointment at the place she recommended. 623 00:28:17,826 --> 00:28:19,567 I went along to the appointment, I went into the cubicle 624 00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:21,264 with the lady I'd made the appointment with 625 00:28:21,308 --> 00:28:22,918 and I took off me top and I had me best bra on underneath. 626 00:28:22,962 --> 00:28:24,572 It was me best one, too, and that's when I said 627 00:28:24,615 --> 00:28:26,792 to the lady, I said, "This is my best-fittin' bra." 628 00:28:26,835 --> 00:28:29,446 And she went like this. [laughs] 629 00:28:29,490 --> 00:28:31,710 She said, "That's what everyone says." 630 00:28:31,753 --> 00:28:33,624 I said, "Well, maybe, that's what everyone means." 631 00:28:33,668 --> 00:28:35,017 Like, we didn't hit it off at all. 632 00:28:35,061 --> 00:28:37,759 It was fuckin' eggy from the get-go. 633 00:28:37,803 --> 00:28:40,066 She said, "What we need to do with those two..." 634 00:28:40,109 --> 00:28:41,807 Those two? 635 00:28:41,850 --> 00:28:45,201 "What we need to do with those two is lift and separate." 636 00:28:45,245 --> 00:28:46,768 Lift and separate. 637 00:28:46,812 --> 00:28:48,596 I said, "Well, don't separate them too much, 638 00:28:48,639 --> 00:28:50,424 'cause that's what it looks like when I'm in bed." 639 00:28:54,254 --> 00:28:56,169 They way she was talkin', it sounded like she wanted them 640 00:28:56,212 --> 00:28:57,997 to look like a travel pillow. 641 00:29:03,829 --> 00:29:05,439 She gave me a bra to try on and I said to her, 642 00:29:05,482 --> 00:29:06,919 "Would you mind steppin' out of the cubicle 643 00:29:06,962 --> 00:29:08,268 while I put on the bra, then when I've got it on, 644 00:29:08,311 --> 00:29:09,486 I'll shout you back in?" 645 00:29:09,530 --> 00:29:11,793 She looked utterly perplexed by this. 646 00:29:11,837 --> 00:29:13,447 She said, "Well, I have to fit it." 647 00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:15,666 I said, "Yeah, that's the bit where you come back in." 648 00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:18,713 "Didn't tell you to go on your fuckin' dinner break, love." 649 00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:21,542 She said, "I've been doing this for 30 years." 650 00:29:21,585 --> 00:29:23,805 I said, "Well, I haven't been doing this for 30 years." 651 00:29:23,849 --> 00:29:25,807 And then I thought, "Showing my boobs to strangers, 652 00:29:25,851 --> 00:29:28,810 probably a good 25." 653 00:29:28,854 --> 00:29:30,551 But I didn't wanna add it to my list. 654 00:29:30,594 --> 00:29:32,118 My list of people who've seen my tits. 655 00:29:32,161 --> 00:29:33,772 There's not that many people on my list. 656 00:29:33,815 --> 00:29:35,599 Just a handful of blokes and a window cleaner once 657 00:29:35,643 --> 00:29:38,167 by accident. 658 00:29:38,211 --> 00:29:40,430 We got a bra that fit and she tightened up the straps, 659 00:29:40,474 --> 00:29:42,824 'cause I had them on comfy setting. 660 00:29:42,868 --> 00:29:45,087 You know where they just sort of graze your belly. 661 00:29:46,872 --> 00:29:48,090 I mean, thank God, I've got a belly, 662 00:29:48,134 --> 00:29:50,919 otherwise they'd hit the fuckin' deck. 663 00:29:50,963 --> 00:29:52,399 Well, she tightened up the straps to where they're 664 00:29:52,442 --> 00:29:54,183 supposed to be and then she put one finger 665 00:29:54,227 --> 00:29:56,229 under the strap at the top and she said, "This is the rule, 666 00:29:56,272 --> 00:29:58,884 you should only be able to fit one finger under the strap." 667 00:29:58,927 --> 00:30:00,842 And then she looked at me for a response. 668 00:30:00,886 --> 00:30:02,452 I didn't really know what to say. 669 00:30:02,496 --> 00:30:04,672 I don't know why I said the followin'. 670 00:30:04,715 --> 00:30:07,240 But when she said, "One finger, that's the rule. One finger." 671 00:30:07,283 --> 00:30:08,502 I said, "Oh, that's interestin', 672 00:30:08,545 --> 00:30:10,025 'cause it's two for a dog's collar." 673 00:30:10,069 --> 00:30:11,722 Why the fuck did I say that? 674 00:30:16,597 --> 00:30:18,294 And to make it worse, I then said, 675 00:30:18,338 --> 00:30:20,731 "Are you trying to stop me from losing my boobs in the park?" 676 00:30:20,775 --> 00:30:23,734 Why am I still talkin'? Shut the fuck up! 677 00:30:26,563 --> 00:30:29,131 There was a lady, not long ago, I, uh, 678 00:30:29,175 --> 00:30:30,480 I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fittin'?" 679 00:30:30,524 --> 00:30:31,960 She's an older lady and she said, 680 00:30:32,004 --> 00:30:34,223 "When I took me bra off, me boobs went down like that 681 00:30:34,267 --> 00:30:35,921 so they just measured me waist." 682 00:30:38,010 --> 00:30:40,664 This lady, about a month ago, I was in Scotland, 683 00:30:40,708 --> 00:30:42,405 and she shouted out, I said, "What didn't you like about it?" 684 00:30:42,449 --> 00:30:43,885 And she shouted out, 685 00:30:43,929 --> 00:30:47,497 "I enjoyed it more than I thought I should." 686 00:30:47,541 --> 00:30:50,283 And then she said, "I didn't know how much I'd enjoyed it 687 00:30:50,326 --> 00:30:52,938 till I got home and checked me TENA Lady." 688 00:30:52,981 --> 00:30:54,765 Oh! 689 00:30:58,987 --> 00:31:00,946 And I did have one lady who was really irate about it. 690 00:31:00,989 --> 00:31:02,556 She said, "I didn't like it, 'cause I didn't know 691 00:31:02,599 --> 00:31:06,168 the etiquette, and I took me bra off too early." 692 00:31:06,212 --> 00:31:08,518 How does that work? Was she still on the fuckin' bus? 693 00:31:12,174 --> 00:31:13,306 [laughs] 694 00:31:15,482 --> 00:31:18,485 Oh, yeah, I've got IBS. Give us a whoo if you've got IBS. 695 00:31:18,528 --> 00:31:19,834 Audience: Whoo! 696 00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:20,835 Give us a whoo if you've got the kind 697 00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,968 that means you never shit. 698 00:31:23,011 --> 00:31:24,578 There, give us a whoo if you've got the kind 699 00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:25,927 that means you shit all the time. 700 00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:27,363 Audience: Whoo! - Always on the aisle. 701 00:31:27,407 --> 00:31:28,625 Did you hear that? They're always on the aisle. 702 00:31:28,669 --> 00:31:31,585 Gotta be ready to go anytime, anytime. 703 00:31:31,628 --> 00:31:33,369 That's what I've got, I'd hi-five you guys 704 00:31:33,413 --> 00:31:35,023 but me hands are still a bit wet from before. 705 00:31:35,067 --> 00:31:36,546 Um... 706 00:31:36,590 --> 00:31:38,287 What I've got is just quite 707 00:31:38,331 --> 00:31:40,594 an unsophisticated digestive system. 708 00:31:40,637 --> 00:31:44,946 Basically, when I eat a meal, it kind of pushes the last one out. 709 00:31:44,990 --> 00:31:47,688 It essentially means I shit a lot in restaurants. 710 00:31:47,731 --> 00:31:49,081 I was in a restaurant not long ago. 711 00:31:49,124 --> 00:31:50,517 I went to the ladies loo after me meal 712 00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:51,779 and in the ladies loo, were a couple 713 00:31:51,822 --> 00:31:53,476 of really young girls, like 20, 22, 714 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,391 that sort of age and they're up at the mirrors 715 00:31:55,435 --> 00:31:57,567 reapplyin' their lipstick, chattin' about boys, 716 00:31:57,611 --> 00:32:00,962 and I thought, "Oh, God! I hope you leave soon." 717 00:32:01,006 --> 00:32:03,225 "'Cause there's about to be a cacophony." 718 00:32:04,879 --> 00:32:07,403 I always like it. It's like a fireworks display. 719 00:32:07,447 --> 00:32:08,883 'Cause it always starts off like, 720 00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:10,711 pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. 721 00:32:13,975 --> 00:32:16,369 And then dogs start barkin', 'cause they don't like it. 722 00:32:17,892 --> 00:32:21,026 Children must always stand well back. 723 00:32:21,069 --> 00:32:23,767 And the golden rule is, you must never return to it. 724 00:32:25,726 --> 00:32:27,771 But I always think if I ever run a buildin' or a venue 725 00:32:27,815 --> 00:32:28,990 or anywhere where there were toilets 726 00:32:29,034 --> 00:32:30,557 that were accessed by the public, 727 00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:32,037 I'd do people like me and those people who whooed, 728 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:33,603 I'd do people like us a favor. 729 00:32:33,647 --> 00:32:35,562 I'd have some music goin' through those toilets. 730 00:32:35,605 --> 00:32:38,434 Maybe a little brass band in the corner. 731 00:32:38,478 --> 00:32:40,828 Little oompah band, perhaps. 732 00:32:40,871 --> 00:32:43,570 And at Christmas, "Little Drummer Boy" on a loop. 733 00:32:43,613 --> 00:32:45,311 Pa-ra-pa-pum-pum. 734 00:32:47,095 --> 00:32:48,401 Actually, just before last Christmas, 735 00:32:48,444 --> 00:32:50,185 like the day before Christmas Eve, 736 00:32:50,229 --> 00:32:53,754 I was in boots and I bought meself some Anusol cream 737 00:32:53,797 --> 00:32:55,408 and some Rennies. 738 00:32:55,451 --> 00:32:57,018 And the woman on the till was very much 739 00:32:57,062 --> 00:32:58,933 in the Christmas spirit and as she put them in the bag, 740 00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:00,717 she went, "Enjoy!" 741 00:33:04,547 --> 00:33:06,245 But I've got a friend who likes kind of vintage 742 00:33:06,288 --> 00:33:07,768 retro stuff, she's got one of those... 743 00:33:07,811 --> 00:33:09,552 Do you remember those toilet roll holders where 744 00:33:09,596 --> 00:33:11,598 it was the lady with the big dress. Do you remember those? 745 00:33:11,641 --> 00:33:13,034 She's got one of those and I thought, 746 00:33:13,078 --> 00:33:14,383 "I couldn't have one of those in my house. 747 00:33:14,427 --> 00:33:16,081 Her skirt will be off and on so much, 748 00:33:16,124 --> 00:33:19,214 it'd be like fuckin' box face. 749 00:33:19,258 --> 00:33:20,433 Oh, I love my audience. 750 00:33:20,476 --> 00:33:23,784 Like 60% of you got that reference. 751 00:33:23,827 --> 00:33:25,351 And the rest of you are too young and have got something 752 00:33:25,394 --> 00:33:28,180 really fun to google when you get in. 753 00:33:28,223 --> 00:33:30,443 [laughs] 754 00:33:30,486 --> 00:33:33,054 [sighs] When I, uh, mentioned periods before, 755 00:33:33,098 --> 00:33:34,621 I always got a little bit embarrassed when I talk 756 00:33:34,664 --> 00:33:36,101 about periods and I kind of hate myself for it, 757 00:33:36,144 --> 00:33:37,537 'cause it's such a normal, natural thing, 758 00:33:37,580 --> 00:33:39,365 it seems a silly thing to be embarrassed about. 759 00:33:39,408 --> 00:33:42,237 But even when I buy, like, sanitary towels or tampons... 760 00:33:42,281 --> 00:33:44,283 Tampons? I don't know why I said tampons. 761 00:33:44,326 --> 00:33:47,112 What about this says fuckin' tampons? 762 00:33:47,155 --> 00:33:49,375 I can't even roller-skate. [laughs] 763 00:33:56,164 --> 00:33:57,818 I always think tampons are either for women 764 00:33:57,861 --> 00:33:59,515 who can roller-skate 765 00:33:59,559 --> 00:34:01,735 or, therefore, women who definitely know 766 00:34:01,778 --> 00:34:03,650 which hole does what down there. 767 00:34:06,218 --> 00:34:08,959 I am not that woman. 768 00:34:09,003 --> 00:34:13,790 Just give me what's essentially a nappy and I'll try me best. 769 00:34:13,834 --> 00:34:16,358 One thing you might not know, you know non-applicator tampons, 770 00:34:16,402 --> 00:34:18,447 ones that are this sort of size, they were invented 771 00:34:18,491 --> 00:34:20,536 so that women could put them in their hand and go to the loo 772 00:34:20,580 --> 00:34:22,364 in the office or the pub or wherever they are, 773 00:34:22,408 --> 00:34:23,670 wouldn't have to take the handbag 774 00:34:23,713 --> 00:34:25,715 and it was a secret nobody would know. 775 00:34:25,759 --> 00:34:28,849 Doesn't really work for me. I wear nighttime towels. 776 00:34:28,892 --> 00:34:31,069 Looks like I'm takin' a fuckin' bag of crisps. 777 00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:36,857 And a grab bag at that. 778 00:34:39,381 --> 00:34:41,340 But I do get a bit embarrassed when I buy sanitary towels. 779 00:34:41,383 --> 00:34:42,776 What I do now, when I get to the till, 780 00:34:42,819 --> 00:34:44,604 I just pretend they're for somethin' else. 781 00:34:44,647 --> 00:34:46,780 Oh, yeah, I'm just defrostin' me freezer. 782 00:34:49,261 --> 00:34:51,176 I did accidently wash two sanitary towels 783 00:34:51,219 --> 00:34:53,003 in the washing machine once. 784 00:34:53,047 --> 00:34:55,136 I know, I know, They came up lovely though. 785 00:34:57,095 --> 00:35:00,141 Half expected the rest of the laundry to be bone dry. 786 00:35:05,407 --> 00:35:08,541 When, I, uh, married, been married for nearly five years, 787 00:35:08,584 --> 00:35:10,238 uh, been together a lot longer than that. 788 00:35:10,282 --> 00:35:12,153 You know, when you've been in a couple for a while, 789 00:35:12,197 --> 00:35:13,676 there are things you'd happily change 790 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:14,938 about each other, aren't there? 791 00:35:14,982 --> 00:35:16,070 Nothing serious. Nothing big. 792 00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:17,419 Nothing you'd split up over. 793 00:35:17,463 --> 00:35:19,160 Just trivial things, things that you think, 794 00:35:19,204 --> 00:35:20,944 "Oh, if I could tweak that about him or her, 795 00:35:20,988 --> 00:35:23,338 they would be perfect for me." Give you an example. 796 00:35:23,382 --> 00:35:25,775 When we first got together, one of the first nights 797 00:35:25,819 --> 00:35:29,083 we spent together was in a really grotty B&B. 798 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:33,043 There was a pair of old man's pants under the bed. 799 00:35:33,087 --> 00:35:34,741 And now they're everywhere. 800 00:35:40,442 --> 00:35:42,749 He's quite a clumsy man. He just spills things quite a lot. 801 00:35:42,792 --> 00:35:44,446 He always mops it up though, unless it's water. 802 00:35:44,490 --> 00:35:46,405 Refuses to mop up water, 'cause in his words, 803 00:35:46,448 --> 00:35:48,058 "It will evaporate." 804 00:35:48,102 --> 00:35:50,670 Which is right, like, science is on his side. 805 00:35:50,713 --> 00:35:52,237 But I told my friend and she said, 806 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:54,021 "Well, he'd have been no good on the Titanic." 807 00:35:54,064 --> 00:35:56,458 I said, "To be honest, I'm not sure moppin' would've helped." 808 00:35:59,287 --> 00:36:01,594 But he's also not always very romantic. 809 00:36:01,637 --> 00:36:03,030 Even when romance is kind of put around him, 810 00:36:03,073 --> 00:36:04,379 he just doesn't always go with the flow. 811 00:36:04,423 --> 00:36:05,728 We were in a nice restaurant, they started 812 00:36:05,772 --> 00:36:07,339 to light the candles on the tables 813 00:36:07,382 --> 00:36:09,645 and they dimmed the lights, and I got kind of swept up 814 00:36:09,689 --> 00:36:12,257 in the romance of it and I leant in for a kiss. 815 00:36:12,300 --> 00:36:14,998 That's when my husband realized he needed to burp. 816 00:36:17,087 --> 00:36:20,787 Ever the gentleman, he did it out of the corner of his mouth 817 00:36:20,830 --> 00:36:22,615 and then still came back in for the kiss. 818 00:36:22,658 --> 00:36:23,572 I was like, "You're alright, flower." 819 00:36:23,616 --> 00:36:24,660 "Let's just let that one settle 820 00:36:24,704 --> 00:36:26,488 for a while, shall we?" 821 00:36:26,532 --> 00:36:28,795 And that was when I realized it'd gone ever so slightly 822 00:36:28,838 --> 00:36:30,057 darker, 'cause what he'd done, 823 00:36:30,100 --> 00:36:31,885 he burped the fuckin' candle out. 824 00:36:37,151 --> 00:36:38,935 I've got a question for all of you guys. 825 00:36:38,979 --> 00:36:41,242 Give us a whoo if you've never had a wank. 826 00:36:41,286 --> 00:36:43,375 That's what I thought. Interesting, isn't it? Um... 827 00:36:45,638 --> 00:36:48,380 I love the sheer panic on some of your faces. 828 00:36:48,423 --> 00:36:50,730 So you didn't get a chance to whoo. 829 00:36:50,773 --> 00:36:52,253 Always seems to be the family groups 830 00:36:52,297 --> 00:36:54,081 that get affected more than anybody else. 831 00:36:54,124 --> 00:36:55,996 "Oh, God, I'm sittin' beside me mama and me nana 832 00:36:56,039 --> 00:36:57,650 and I didn't get a chance to whoo." 833 00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:01,697 "Oh, darn, me mama and me nana didn't whoo either." 834 00:37:04,265 --> 00:37:06,311 Dirty sons, the lot of ya. 835 00:37:06,354 --> 00:37:10,924 I find when I have, what I like to call Special Sarah Time... 836 00:37:13,535 --> 00:37:15,320 There's different names. You might have a different name. 837 00:37:15,363 --> 00:37:16,930 Rubbin' your button? That one of the names. 838 00:37:16,973 --> 00:37:18,540 Isn't it? Rubbin' your button? 839 00:37:18,584 --> 00:37:20,455 One of my friends calls it checkin' her letters. 840 00:37:20,499 --> 00:37:22,022 Fuck knows what that means. 841 00:37:25,591 --> 00:37:27,767 Special Sarah Time, you can call it that as well, 842 00:37:27,810 --> 00:37:31,161 but change it to your name otherwise it's weird. 843 00:37:31,205 --> 00:37:32,772 When I have Special Sarah Time, I've discovered, 844 00:37:32,815 --> 00:37:34,730 and I don't know if this is normal or not, 845 00:37:34,774 --> 00:37:37,777 I've discovered that all of my sexual fantasies start the same. 846 00:37:37,820 --> 00:37:39,735 They all start exactly the same. 847 00:37:39,779 --> 00:37:43,086 They all start like this: I get in, the dishes are done. 848 00:37:44,566 --> 00:37:46,438 That's how they all start. 849 00:37:46,481 --> 00:37:48,309 Sometimes that's all I need as well. 850 00:37:48,353 --> 00:37:49,528 "Oh! Done." 851 00:37:53,358 --> 00:37:56,361 And I've realized as well that if I orgasm alone, 852 00:37:56,404 --> 00:37:58,363 I'm much more northern 853 00:37:58,406 --> 00:38:00,974 than if I orgasm when somebody else is there. 854 00:38:01,017 --> 00:38:04,020 On my own, every single time, "Ooh, yeah, bugger!" 855 00:38:04,064 --> 00:38:05,239 Every single time. 856 00:38:08,764 --> 00:38:10,723 "Ooh, yeah, bugger!" And then I have a pie. 857 00:38:18,861 --> 00:38:20,385 Some couples like to watch porn together. 858 00:38:20,428 --> 00:38:22,212 Don't... We don't watch porn together. 859 00:38:22,256 --> 00:38:24,345 Largely because I don't really find it does anything for me. 860 00:38:24,389 --> 00:38:26,913 In my limited experience of heterosexual porn, 861 00:38:26,956 --> 00:38:28,697 it seems to be very much geared towards the men. 862 00:38:28,741 --> 00:38:30,873 There doesn't seem to be much there for women at all. 863 00:38:30,917 --> 00:38:33,006 Including one I watched a number of years ago 864 00:38:33,049 --> 00:38:35,269 that was so much from a male point of view 865 00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:37,315 that the camera was the man. 866 00:38:37,358 --> 00:38:38,620 So whoever's watchin' it is watchin' it 867 00:38:38,664 --> 00:38:40,405 through the eyes of a man. 868 00:38:40,448 --> 00:38:42,407 Very disconcerting to watch that as a woman. 869 00:38:42,450 --> 00:38:45,758 As a man, as a woman. As a man. 870 00:38:45,801 --> 00:38:47,803 At one point, the camera moved down, it had an erection. 871 00:38:47,847 --> 00:38:49,588 I nearly fuckin' shot meself. 872 00:38:51,241 --> 00:38:52,982 That's not all, there was a woman goin' at it 873 00:38:53,026 --> 00:38:56,421 like it was a fuckin' pasty. Oh, my God. 874 00:38:56,464 --> 00:38:58,640 To be fair, that's what I'm like with a steak bake. 875 00:38:58,684 --> 00:39:00,381 Oh! 876 00:39:00,903 --> 00:39:03,036 Oh! 877 00:39:03,079 --> 00:39:04,298 Just hit me in the face with it. 878 00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:05,821 Oh! 879 00:39:12,567 --> 00:39:14,134 Calm down, that was gravy. 880 00:39:15,831 --> 00:39:17,790 I thought maybe we could talk to the people who made the porn. 881 00:39:17,833 --> 00:39:19,008 Could we say, could we have something more 882 00:39:19,052 --> 00:39:20,749 from a female point of view, please? 883 00:39:20,793 --> 00:39:22,447 And I thought, you know, what we'll get is not what we want, 884 00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:23,926 but it's what they think we want. 885 00:39:23,970 --> 00:39:25,406 The camera will be the woman 886 00:39:25,450 --> 00:39:27,190 who'll just be facin' a fuckin' headboard. 887 00:39:27,234 --> 00:39:29,018 Headboard. Headboard. Headboard. Headboard. Headboard. 888 00:39:33,806 --> 00:39:35,938 We do, uh, we do watch a lot of, uh... 889 00:39:35,982 --> 00:39:38,463 [laughs] I couldn't remember what non-porn films 890 00:39:38,506 --> 00:39:40,421 where called there for a second. Films. 891 00:39:43,511 --> 00:39:45,513 We do watch a lot of films, go to the cinema quite a lot, 892 00:39:45,557 --> 00:39:47,472 that's probably our main hobby, I suppose. 893 00:39:47,515 --> 00:39:50,518 Uh, a few years ago, we saw the film "Room" at the cinema. 894 00:39:50,562 --> 00:39:52,564 Has anybody seen the film "Room?" 895 00:39:52,607 --> 00:39:54,304 Yes? You might've seen the film, you might've read the book. 896 00:39:54,348 --> 00:39:56,350 I imagine it's even better there generally, aren't they? 897 00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:58,134 If you haven't seen the film though, I do recommend it. 898 00:39:58,178 --> 00:39:59,527 It's an incredible piece of work. 899 00:39:59,571 --> 00:40:02,095 The story is, a teenage girl is abducted 900 00:40:02,138 --> 00:40:03,749 and held prisoner for a number of years 901 00:40:03,792 --> 00:40:05,794 by this kind of psychopath in his sort of outhouse 902 00:40:05,838 --> 00:40:07,927 type of thing. It's hard to watch. 903 00:40:07,970 --> 00:40:09,842 She's raped every day, she falls pregnant, 904 00:40:09,885 --> 00:40:11,365 she has to have the child, she has to raise the child, 905 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:12,975 all in this one room, hence the title. 906 00:40:13,019 --> 00:40:15,543 It's-- it's brutal. It's emotionally exhaustin'. 907 00:40:15,587 --> 00:40:17,066 I don't want to spoil it. 908 00:40:17,110 --> 00:40:19,373 It's also very empowering at times as well. 909 00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,984 It's one of the films when it-- it ends and the titles go up, 910 00:40:22,028 --> 00:40:23,769 everybody in the cinema just kind of stays in their seats 911 00:40:23,812 --> 00:40:25,466 'cause they're all kind of pullin' themselves together. 912 00:40:25,510 --> 00:40:27,555 We were no different. My husband and I just sat in silence. 913 00:40:27,599 --> 00:40:29,862 I'd cried so much, I was just pullin' myself together. 914 00:40:29,905 --> 00:40:31,646 We walked to the car in silence, got in the car, 915 00:40:31,690 --> 00:40:33,822 didn't turn the engine on, sat there quietly. 916 00:40:33,866 --> 00:40:35,215 And I was the one that broke the silence, 917 00:40:35,258 --> 00:40:36,564 and I said to my husband, I said, "God, 918 00:40:36,608 --> 00:40:38,218 that was incredible. What an amazing film." 919 00:40:38,261 --> 00:40:39,654 "That was so powerful, so emotional." 920 00:40:39,698 --> 00:40:41,743 "I've cried so much, I'm absolutely knackered." 921 00:40:41,787 --> 00:40:44,442 My husband still hadn't spoken and I was a little bit worried 922 00:40:44,485 --> 00:40:46,531 'cause it's not as easy for a man to express emotion 923 00:40:46,574 --> 00:40:48,576 as it is for women so I turn to him and I say, 924 00:40:48,620 --> 00:40:50,099 "What did you think of it, love?" 925 00:40:50,143 --> 00:40:52,450 And there's a little pause, and he went, 926 00:40:52,493 --> 00:40:54,190 "Why haven't I got a shed?" 927 00:41:02,111 --> 00:41:04,636 That's what had been bothering him for two fuckin' hours. 928 00:41:07,595 --> 00:41:09,379 We do watch a lot of films, watched "Iron Man" 929 00:41:09,423 --> 00:41:10,903 when it was on the telly not long ago. 930 00:41:10,946 --> 00:41:13,166 If you don't know it, "Iron Man" is a superhero film. 931 00:41:13,209 --> 00:41:14,515 It's not really my cup of tea, 932 00:41:14,559 --> 00:41:16,517 but I do quite like Robert Downey, Jr. 933 00:41:16,561 --> 00:41:19,041 in a white vest. Tick. 934 00:41:19,085 --> 00:41:21,087 So partway through the film, I leant over to my husband 935 00:41:21,130 --> 00:41:22,828 and I went, "You should get a white vest." 936 00:41:22,871 --> 00:41:24,133 And he went, "Oh, would you like that?" 937 00:41:24,177 --> 00:41:25,613 I was like, "Yeah, I think I would." 938 00:41:25,657 --> 00:41:27,746 He was like, "Maybe I'll get a white vest then." 939 00:41:27,789 --> 00:41:29,835 And then later on in the film, something technical happened 940 00:41:29,878 --> 00:41:31,576 and they needed to fix it with tools 941 00:41:31,619 --> 00:41:32,577 and I leant over to my husband and I went, 942 00:41:32,620 --> 00:41:33,839 "You should get a tool belt." 943 00:41:33,882 --> 00:41:35,057 And he went, "Would you like that?" 944 00:41:35,101 --> 00:41:36,581 I was like, "Yeah, I think I would." 945 00:41:36,624 --> 00:41:38,626 He was like, "Maybe I'll get a tool belt then." 946 00:41:38,670 --> 00:41:40,672 And then I entirely forgot my train of thought 947 00:41:40,715 --> 00:41:41,803 and I went, "Ooh, then you could do 948 00:41:41,847 --> 00:41:43,501 that big list of jobs I've got." 949 00:41:46,329 --> 00:41:47,940 I think that's my ideal porn film. 950 00:41:47,983 --> 00:41:49,637 It's just the fixin', not the fuckin'. 951 00:41:49,681 --> 00:41:52,161 Just the fixin', not the fuckin'. 952 00:41:52,205 --> 00:41:53,815 I'd love to watch one where he fixes the washing machine 953 00:41:53,859 --> 00:41:56,688 and then just leaves 'cause he's got another job up. 954 00:41:56,731 --> 00:42:00,605 The washing machine works for years and years and years. 955 00:42:00,648 --> 00:42:01,649 Ooh, yeah, bugger! 956 00:42:04,478 --> 00:42:06,828 Just the fixin', not the fuckin', that's what I want. 957 00:42:06,872 --> 00:42:08,308 To be fair, that's what Jimmy Savile 958 00:42:08,351 --> 00:42:09,962 should've stuck with as well, but anyway. 959 00:42:17,752 --> 00:42:19,885 It's a great reaction, you laughed and you clapped 960 00:42:19,928 --> 00:42:22,061 and you oohed all at that same time. 961 00:42:22,104 --> 00:42:24,542 That's very impressive. Well done. 962 00:42:24,585 --> 00:42:26,282 But I think when you've been in your couple for a while, 963 00:42:26,326 --> 00:42:29,024 you do develop kind of shorthand or a kind of code for things. 964 00:42:29,068 --> 00:42:30,983 Things that you guys would understand within your couple 965 00:42:31,026 --> 00:42:32,593 but maybe others wouldn't. 966 00:42:32,637 --> 00:42:33,986 Uh, I'll give you an example. 967 00:42:34,029 --> 00:42:35,857 A-- a lot of couples seem to me 968 00:42:35,901 --> 00:42:37,859 to have a shorthand for lettin' their partner know 969 00:42:37,903 --> 00:42:40,035 that they fancy some sex that night. 970 00:42:40,079 --> 00:42:42,603 Now before I start the tour, I do a series of previews 971 00:42:42,647 --> 00:42:45,693 where I try out my stories in front of a much smaller crowd. 972 00:42:45,737 --> 00:42:47,652 And at one of those previews, I asked the audience. 973 00:42:47,695 --> 00:42:49,001 I said, "How would you let your partner know 974 00:42:49,044 --> 00:42:50,132 you fancy some sex?" 975 00:42:50,176 --> 00:42:51,612 And a lady shouted out, 976 00:42:51,656 --> 00:42:54,441 "I just flash me arse as I leave the room." 977 00:42:54,484 --> 00:42:55,964 Ooh! 978 00:42:56,008 --> 00:42:58,663 And her husband's like, "Ooh, I'm on." 979 00:42:58,706 --> 00:43:00,360 Another preview, I asked again, I said, 980 00:43:00,403 --> 00:43:02,492 "How would you let your partner know you fancy some sex?" 981 00:43:02,536 --> 00:43:04,625 And a man went, "I put the dog in the crate." 982 00:43:11,327 --> 00:43:13,982 I said, "Is that a euphemism?" 983 00:43:14,026 --> 00:43:17,072 He said, "No, I put an actual dog in an actual crate." 984 00:43:17,116 --> 00:43:18,813 I said, "When do you let the dog back out the crate?" 985 00:43:18,857 --> 00:43:20,902 He said, "When we're finished." 986 00:43:20,946 --> 00:43:22,643 I said, "Doesn't that bother you that 987 00:43:22,687 --> 00:43:24,645 not only does the dog know what you're doing, 988 00:43:24,689 --> 00:43:27,648 the dog knows how long it's takin' ya." 989 00:43:27,692 --> 00:43:29,215 But I told this to one of my friends, 990 00:43:29,258 --> 00:43:30,695 and she said, "Oh, it's the same in our house." 991 00:43:30,738 --> 00:43:32,697 I said, "Really?". She said, "Actually, no. No." 992 00:43:32,740 --> 00:43:34,002 She said, "When we start having sex, 993 00:43:34,046 --> 00:43:36,875 the dog puts himself in the crate." 994 00:43:36,918 --> 00:43:38,833 "Try and shut the little gate with his hands, 995 00:43:38,877 --> 00:43:42,402 blanket over his head, fuckin' headphones on." 996 00:43:42,445 --> 00:43:44,186 But if you don't have a shorthand for fancyin' 997 00:43:44,230 --> 00:43:45,797 a shag and you'd like one, you can use what we do. 998 00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:47,668 I don't mind if you copy us, don't mind at all. 999 00:43:47,712 --> 00:43:50,192 Uh, what we do, say, we're watchin' a film at home, 1000 00:43:50,236 --> 00:43:52,978 I'll say something really sexual to get his attention 1001 00:43:53,021 --> 00:43:55,589 and then I'll say, "Anyway, back to the film." 1002 00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:57,199 Works a treat. I've got two examples. 1003 00:43:57,243 --> 00:43:59,985 Use them at your will. They both work very, very well. 1004 00:44:00,028 --> 00:44:04,076 Example number one, "Wowzers, my tits are massive." 1005 00:44:04,119 --> 00:44:06,556 "Anyway, back to the film." 1006 00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:08,080 Works every single time. 1007 00:44:08,123 --> 00:44:10,865 Example number two. "Jesus, my fanny feels empty." 1008 00:44:10,909 --> 00:44:14,303 "Anyway, back to the film." 1009 00:44:14,347 --> 00:44:17,959 I didn't say they were subtle, but they work a fuckin' treat. 1010 00:44:18,003 --> 00:44:20,179 We've still not seen the end of "Jurassic World." 1011 00:44:23,182 --> 00:44:25,663 But at my final preview before I started the tour properly, 1012 00:44:25,706 --> 00:44:27,621 I told the story about the man and the dog and the crates. 1013 00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,362 I thought it was funny, and a man in the middle of the room 1014 00:44:29,405 --> 00:44:31,059 gave me a little wave. I said, "Is everything alright, love?" 1015 00:44:31,103 --> 00:44:33,453 "What's goin' on here?" He said, "That was me. That was us." 1016 00:44:33,496 --> 00:44:35,977 They'd come to see the show again and I told their story 1017 00:44:36,021 --> 00:44:39,241 within the show and his wife was sittin' beside him like this. 1018 00:44:39,285 --> 00:44:41,287 "Oh, my God. Oh, my God." 1019 00:44:41,330 --> 00:44:42,767 And he said, "Don't mind her, 1020 00:44:42,810 --> 00:44:44,464 she always gets embarrassed when I talk to you." 1021 00:44:44,507 --> 00:44:45,987 I said, "Why are you doing it again then?" 1022 00:44:46,031 --> 00:44:47,293 He said, "Oh, she got her own back." 1023 00:44:47,336 --> 00:44:48,773 I said, "Oh, really?" He said, "Yeah." 1024 00:44:48,816 --> 00:44:50,644 He said, "Put it this way, after your show, 1025 00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:53,081 the dog didn't see the inside of the crate for nearly a week." 1026 00:44:58,739 --> 00:45:00,523 But while you're workin' out what your shorthand 1027 00:45:00,567 --> 00:45:02,134 for fancy a shag might be, you need to know 1028 00:45:02,177 --> 00:45:03,526 that they don't all work. 1029 00:45:03,570 --> 00:45:05,006 We were lyin' in bed a few months ago. 1030 00:45:05,050 --> 00:45:07,095 It was very late, both very tired. 1031 00:45:07,139 --> 00:45:09,097 But for whatever reason, my husband couldn't sleep, 1032 00:45:09,141 --> 00:45:12,100 he was wide awake, so I said to him in the dark, 1033 00:45:12,144 --> 00:45:15,190 in my most coquettish voice, 1034 00:45:15,234 --> 00:45:19,020 I said, "Is there anything I can do 1035 00:45:19,064 --> 00:45:20,935 that might help you fall asleep?" 1036 00:45:20,979 --> 00:45:22,763 And he said, "Oh, yes, you could be quiet." 1037 00:45:31,598 --> 00:45:33,600 My husband isn't great at giving compliments 1038 00:45:33,643 --> 00:45:36,690 and I love a compliment, so what we do is I kind of 1039 00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:39,171 tee them up for him and he tries his best. 1040 00:45:41,260 --> 00:45:42,740 I was in the shower and my husband came 1041 00:45:42,783 --> 00:45:44,045 in the bathroom to brush his teeth 1042 00:45:44,089 --> 00:45:46,047 and I thought, "I'll tee up a compliment." 1043 00:45:46,091 --> 00:45:48,223 Now we don't go to the toilet in front of each other, 1044 00:45:48,267 --> 00:45:50,138 'cause we're saving that for retirement. 1045 00:45:53,228 --> 00:45:55,100 But he came in the bathroom to brush his teeth 1046 00:45:55,143 --> 00:45:56,884 and I thought I'll tee up a compliment, so I said to him, 1047 00:45:56,928 --> 00:45:59,452 I said, "Have I got a good arse?" 1048 00:45:59,495 --> 00:46:01,149 And my husband is not the sort of man 1049 00:46:01,193 --> 00:46:03,804 who can quickly say yes or no. He's a very methodical man. 1050 00:46:03,848 --> 00:46:05,327 He's a very logical man. 1051 00:46:05,371 --> 00:46:09,331 He had to, what he would call, verify the data. 1052 00:46:11,899 --> 00:46:13,858 So he had a proper look at my arse and then he said, 1053 00:46:13,901 --> 00:46:15,468 "Yes, you have." I said, "Thanks." 1054 00:46:15,511 --> 00:46:17,644 He said, "Big fan." I said, "Didn't ask about that." 1055 00:46:24,259 --> 00:46:26,000 I was once shaving my legs in the bath. 1056 00:46:26,044 --> 00:46:27,697 You know when I say shave my legs, you know I mean 1057 00:46:27,741 --> 00:46:29,874 everything else as well, don't you? Yes, good. 1058 00:46:29,917 --> 00:46:32,050 Normally just start at me toes and keep goin'. 1059 00:46:33,225 --> 00:46:35,009 Ooh! 1060 00:46:35,053 --> 00:46:37,098 [grunts] Ooh! 1061 00:46:39,666 --> 00:46:42,712 And I cut my toe shavin'. Now if you're under 40, 1062 00:46:42,756 --> 00:46:44,366 you'd probably think that's disgustin'. 1063 00:46:44,410 --> 00:46:48,283 If you're over 40, you know it's a fact of fuckin' life. 1064 00:46:48,327 --> 00:46:49,894 I went downstairs and I told my husband 1065 00:46:49,937 --> 00:46:51,243 that I had cut myself shavin' 1066 00:46:51,286 --> 00:46:53,332 and he genuinely looked at my face. 1067 00:47:02,471 --> 00:47:04,473 We got an app on our phones called Find Friends. 1068 00:47:04,517 --> 00:47:06,301 If you don't know what Find Friends is, it's an app 1069 00:47:06,345 --> 00:47:07,999 where you can kind of sync up with each other, 1070 00:47:08,042 --> 00:47:09,565 you can see where each other are, kind of check each other 1071 00:47:09,609 --> 00:47:11,611 are alright. I've synced up with my husband. 1072 00:47:11,654 --> 00:47:13,178 I don't really think he uses it very much though, 1073 00:47:13,221 --> 00:47:14,483 'cause I said to him, "Have you noticed it wasn't 1074 00:47:14,527 --> 00:47:16,311 really workin' and now it's workin'?" 1075 00:47:16,355 --> 00:47:18,400 He said, "What's that? I said, "Find Friends." 1076 00:47:18,444 --> 00:47:19,445 He said, "I don't really know what that is." 1077 00:47:19,488 --> 00:47:20,446 So I described it to him 1078 00:47:20,489 --> 00:47:21,708 just like I did to you guys 1079 00:47:21,751 --> 00:47:22,752 and he said, "Yeah, I don't really, 1080 00:47:22,796 --> 00:47:24,232 I don't really look at that." 1081 00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:26,931 I said, "Do you never sometimes wonder if I'm alright?" 1082 00:47:26,974 --> 00:47:29,803 And he went, "Nope." 1083 00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:31,718 And I thought, I wonder what it would take. 1084 00:47:31,761 --> 00:47:33,067 I wonder if there were like a big pile of dishes, 1085 00:47:33,111 --> 00:47:35,156 he'd be like, "Hold on, I had a wife." 1086 00:47:37,028 --> 00:47:39,944 Or he'd ring the police and say, "My sock drawer is empty. 1087 00:47:39,987 --> 00:47:42,772 I think my wife is missin'." 1088 00:47:42,816 --> 00:47:44,818 And the police would say, "Can you give us a description?" 1089 00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:46,167 And he'd say, "They're all black 1090 00:47:46,211 --> 00:47:48,256 apart from one pair with Daleks on it." 1091 00:47:52,826 --> 00:47:54,132 I think when you've been together a while, 1092 00:47:54,175 --> 00:47:55,742 people start to give you suggestions on how to 1093 00:47:55,785 --> 00:47:57,135 spice up your sex life, don't they? 1094 00:47:57,178 --> 00:47:59,311 Different ways you can spice up your sex life. 1095 00:47:59,354 --> 00:48:01,487 It always occurs to me that there's shoppin' involved. 1096 00:48:01,530 --> 00:48:03,271 There's always shoppin' involved, anything from 1097 00:48:03,315 --> 00:48:05,578 an unmarked Jiffy bag through your letterbox, 1098 00:48:05,621 --> 00:48:08,581 all the way to, like, a trolley around B&Q. 1099 00:48:08,624 --> 00:48:10,452 And then you've gotta get a handyman out 1100 00:48:10,496 --> 00:48:11,976 who can fit the hooks to the ceilin', 1101 00:48:12,019 --> 00:48:13,891 there's so much work involved 1102 00:48:13,934 --> 00:48:15,980 and I just can't be asked 1103 00:48:16,023 --> 00:48:18,460 and that's another thing off the list as well. 1104 00:48:21,028 --> 00:48:23,944 Oh, good, about a third of you got that. 1105 00:48:23,988 --> 00:48:26,468 For the rest of you, I don't take it up the shitter. 1106 00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,691 To be honest, with my IBS, there's just too much traffic 1107 00:48:31,734 --> 00:48:33,301 goin' in the other direction. 1108 00:48:35,825 --> 00:48:38,045 Don't know if you've ever tried to pull out at a busy junction, 1109 00:48:38,089 --> 00:48:39,829 but it's a bit like that. 1110 00:48:41,962 --> 00:48:44,182 We did find a really easy way to spice up our sex life. 1111 00:48:44,225 --> 00:48:45,618 If you're lazy like us, then this might 1112 00:48:45,661 --> 00:48:46,662 appeal to you as well. 1113 00:48:46,706 --> 00:48:48,012 What we do every now and again, 1114 00:48:48,055 --> 00:48:49,317 we just swap sides in bed. 1115 00:48:49,361 --> 00:48:51,493 That's all we do. We swap sides. 1116 00:48:51,537 --> 00:48:52,712 The first time we did it, I was like, 1117 00:48:52,755 --> 00:48:54,540 "Ooh, it's like we're on holidays." 1118 00:48:56,281 --> 00:48:58,674 But I think I must've been spanked a lot as a child, 1119 00:48:58,718 --> 00:49:00,589 'cause I can't make it sexy as an adult. 1120 00:49:00,633 --> 00:49:03,070 No matter how much I try, I just keep sayin', "I'm sorry." 1121 00:49:03,114 --> 00:49:04,724 "I'm sorry." 1122 00:49:04,767 --> 00:49:07,945 Luckily, my husband finds apologies a massive turn on 1123 00:49:07,988 --> 00:49:10,208 and he just makes me go and sit on the naughty cock. 1124 00:49:19,913 --> 00:49:22,916 Oh, yeah, I was in London quite recently for work 1125 00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:24,048 and I had a couple of hours to spare and I thought 1126 00:49:24,091 --> 00:49:25,832 I wanted to do a bit of shopping. 1127 00:49:25,875 --> 00:49:28,313 And I totally recently bought myself my very first hoodie 1128 00:49:28,356 --> 00:49:30,358 and it's so comfy and cozy, I thought I'm gonna treat meself 1129 00:49:30,402 --> 00:49:31,751 to another one, save the faffin' though. 1130 00:49:31,794 --> 00:49:32,752 I'll just get the same one again 1131 00:49:32,795 --> 00:49:34,145 but in a different color. 1132 00:49:34,188 --> 00:49:35,624 So I was on the phone with me husband, anyway, 1133 00:49:35,668 --> 00:49:37,278 and I thought I'll get him to check what size 1134 00:49:37,322 --> 00:49:40,020 my current hoodie is, he said, "No problem, where is it?" 1135 00:49:40,064 --> 00:49:42,022 I said, "It's on the back of the chair in the bedroom." 1136 00:49:42,066 --> 00:49:44,024 So I'm chattin' away to him as he goes up the stairs 1137 00:49:44,068 --> 00:49:46,331 and then he said, "Is it the blue one?" I said, "Yeah." 1138 00:49:46,374 --> 00:49:47,767 He said, "What do you need from me again?" 1139 00:49:47,810 --> 00:49:49,160 I said, "Just read the label. 1140 00:49:49,203 --> 00:49:50,857 I just wanna know what size it is." 1141 00:49:50,900 --> 00:49:53,425 There was a little pause and he went, "Fat face." 1142 00:49:58,212 --> 00:50:00,910 He genuinely thought that was a size. 1143 00:50:02,869 --> 00:50:05,002 Like somewhere there's a shop where the size are 1144 00:50:05,045 --> 00:50:08,701 small face, big face, fat face, fuckin' huge face. 1145 00:50:14,533 --> 00:50:16,752 I was in, uh, I was in hospital last year, 1146 00:50:16,796 --> 00:50:18,537 not for very long, not for anything serious. 1147 00:50:18,580 --> 00:50:20,539 They gave me one of those gowns, it doesn't quite 1148 00:50:20,582 --> 00:50:23,020 shut at the back, and then she said, "The next thing we need 1149 00:50:23,063 --> 00:50:24,804 from you is a urine sample." 1150 00:50:24,847 --> 00:50:27,111 Give us a whoo if you've ever given a urine sample. 1151 00:50:27,154 --> 00:50:28,634 Audience: Whoo! 1152 00:50:28,677 --> 00:50:30,331 Give us a whoo those of you who are women. 1153 00:50:30,375 --> 00:50:31,811 Audience: Whoo! 1154 00:50:31,854 --> 00:50:33,552 It's tricky, isn't it? It's tricky. 1155 00:50:33,595 --> 00:50:36,598 She gave me a bottle with a neck like that. 1156 00:50:36,642 --> 00:50:40,428 And I go, "Well, I'll wait till she brings the funnel." 1157 00:50:40,472 --> 00:50:41,864 No funnel came. 1158 00:50:41,908 --> 00:50:43,344 And I thought, "How am I supposed to hit that 1159 00:50:43,388 --> 00:50:44,867 with me twin jets?" 1160 00:50:52,136 --> 00:50:54,660 Now I don't wanna tell you too much about me down there, 1161 00:50:54,703 --> 00:50:58,142 but suffice to say, it's not a '70s bush by any means. 1162 00:50:58,185 --> 00:51:01,058 But it's also not child bald. 1163 00:51:01,101 --> 00:51:03,147 Put it this way, there's just enough hair 1164 00:51:03,190 --> 00:51:04,887 to put a pedophile off. 1165 00:51:07,194 --> 00:51:08,674 Which still made this quite tricky. 1166 00:51:08,717 --> 00:51:10,241 So I put it in position. 1167 00:51:10,284 --> 00:51:13,244 I started me wee, wee came out of a different area. 1168 00:51:14,897 --> 00:51:16,595 I stopped me wee, I moved it to that area, 1169 00:51:16,638 --> 00:51:19,554 I started me wee again, wee came out of a third area. 1170 00:51:21,382 --> 00:51:23,950 It's like somebody was pouring juice through a hedge. 1171 00:51:30,043 --> 00:51:32,306 I felt a little bit like I was on "The Cube." 1172 00:51:34,917 --> 00:51:36,484 And then she said, "The next thing we need to know 1173 00:51:36,528 --> 00:51:38,138 is what size you are for the stockings." 1174 00:51:38,182 --> 00:51:40,314 You know, the sort of DVT tights that they put on 1175 00:51:40,358 --> 00:51:41,663 after you've had surgery. I said, "Okay." 1176 00:51:41,707 --> 00:51:43,883 She came along with a variety of sizes. 1177 00:51:43,926 --> 00:51:45,798 She started with a size small 1178 00:51:45,841 --> 00:51:49,193 and I thought, "Ooh, somebody's got time to kill." 1179 00:51:49,236 --> 00:51:50,629 I'd start off with the large personally, 1180 00:51:50,672 --> 00:51:52,935 but I tried the smaller and they fit. 1181 00:51:52,979 --> 00:51:55,547 They fit. I'm a small in hospital. 1182 00:51:55,590 --> 00:51:58,027 I must've had such an odd expression on my face, 1183 00:51:58,071 --> 00:52:00,029 'cause she said, "Are you alright?" 1184 00:52:00,073 --> 00:52:02,119 And I just went, "Why aren't you a shop?" 1185 00:52:04,773 --> 00:52:06,210 And then she gave me the paper knickers. 1186 00:52:06,253 --> 00:52:07,602 You know the paper knickers they make you wear? 1187 00:52:07,646 --> 00:52:10,257 My husband said, "I find them quite sexy." 1188 00:52:10,301 --> 00:52:11,650 I said, "Do you? Why?" 1189 00:52:11,693 --> 00:52:13,173 He said, "I think I could rip them off." 1190 00:52:14,870 --> 00:52:16,611 Just so you know, if you do a fart in them, 1191 00:52:16,655 --> 00:52:17,960 same thing happens. 1192 00:52:22,661 --> 00:52:24,532 We went on holiday last year, my husband and I 1193 00:52:24,576 --> 00:52:27,231 went to New York, did a lot walking around New York. 1194 00:52:27,274 --> 00:52:29,407 We developed kind of a playful competition 1195 00:52:29,450 --> 00:52:31,583 regardin' our steps, we don't have Fitbits or anything fancy 1196 00:52:31,626 --> 00:52:33,498 like that, just the app on our phones we were usin'. 1197 00:52:33,541 --> 00:52:36,414 At the end of every day, we compare numbers and generally, 1198 00:52:36,457 --> 00:52:40,374 he'd done about 2000 more steps than I had every single day 1199 00:52:40,418 --> 00:52:41,984 and I couldn't figure out why, we're spendin' 1200 00:52:42,028 --> 00:52:43,899 all of our time together, all I was thinkin' was 1201 00:52:43,943 --> 00:52:45,684 what the fuck is he doin' while I'm in the bath. 1202 00:52:45,727 --> 00:52:48,730 Is he just standin' outside the bathroom door doin' this? 1203 00:52:48,774 --> 00:52:50,210 So the last night before I went to him the followin' mornin', 1204 00:52:50,254 --> 00:52:51,516 I came to a bit of a head. 1205 00:52:51,559 --> 00:52:53,039 I said, "How many steps have you done?" 1206 00:52:53,082 --> 00:52:54,693 And he'd done 15,000 and somethin' 1207 00:52:54,736 --> 00:52:56,695 and I'd done 13,000 and somethin'. 1208 00:52:56,738 --> 00:52:58,610 I said, "You know what, I don't know why this is happenin', 1209 00:52:58,653 --> 00:53:00,916 but I don't like it and I don't think it's fair." 1210 00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:03,005 And as I was talkin' to him, he started to walk towards me 1211 00:53:03,049 --> 00:53:04,181 and I said, "Oh, before you come in here, 1212 00:53:04,224 --> 00:53:05,791 will you get us a glass of water?" 1213 00:53:05,834 --> 00:53:07,445 And he went and got us a glass of water, and then I said, 1214 00:53:07,488 --> 00:53:09,577 "I think I've left me book over there." 1215 00:53:09,621 --> 00:53:12,232 I went, "Fuck, that's what it is, isn't it? 1216 00:53:12,276 --> 00:53:15,453 It's 2000 bossy steps every single day. 1217 00:53:18,282 --> 00:53:20,414 But while we were in New York, we saw a couple of shows. 1218 00:53:20,458 --> 00:53:22,024 Uh, one of the shows, didn't know anything about it, 1219 00:53:22,068 --> 00:53:23,200 just heard it was really good. 1220 00:53:23,243 --> 00:53:24,331 Now if I'd known it was gonna be 1221 00:53:24,375 --> 00:53:25,767 as emotional a show 1222 00:53:25,811 --> 00:53:27,291 as it turned out to be, I wouldn't have worn 1223 00:53:27,334 --> 00:53:30,119 quite so much eye makeup, rookie mistake. 1224 00:53:30,163 --> 00:53:32,470 And I'm a crier, I cry at lots of things. 1225 00:53:32,513 --> 00:53:35,168 I cried at this show basically from eight minutes into it 1226 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,126 until it finished, but when it came to the interval, 1227 00:53:37,170 --> 00:53:38,737 the queue for the ladies loo was huge, 1228 00:53:38,780 --> 00:53:40,434 and I said to my husband, "Do us a favor." 1229 00:53:40,478 --> 00:53:42,436 "Save me gettin' in that queue. Will you just check me face?" 1230 00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:44,308 "Just check me face, check under me eyes, have a look 1231 00:53:44,351 --> 00:53:46,875 and see if there's anything that needs sort of urgently fixin'." 1232 00:53:46,919 --> 00:53:48,964 And again, he can't just glance and glance away, 1233 00:53:49,008 --> 00:53:51,315 he had to start scannin' from the top of me head. 1234 00:53:51,358 --> 00:53:53,534 It's like goin' out with a fuckin' Terminator. 1235 00:53:53,578 --> 00:53:54,709 [imitating robotic whirring] 1236 00:53:56,711 --> 00:53:58,278 He said, "It's all black under your eyes." 1237 00:53:58,322 --> 00:53:59,932 And I thought bloody mascara. 1238 00:53:59,975 --> 00:54:02,151 So I remembered I had a compact mirror in me handbag. 1239 00:54:02,195 --> 00:54:07,026 I got it out and I had a look and my makeup was perfect. 1240 00:54:07,069 --> 00:54:11,335 What he'd spotted there was how old and tired I am. 1241 00:54:11,378 --> 00:54:13,206 Oh, yeah, he saw the end of "Jurassic World" 1242 00:54:13,250 --> 00:54:14,468 that fuckin' night. 1243 00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:19,952 But, weirdly, I've now got two compact mirrors 1244 00:54:19,995 --> 00:54:21,475 in my handbag, I've got that one and another one 1245 00:54:21,519 --> 00:54:23,651 I bought relatively recently from a garden center. 1246 00:54:23,695 --> 00:54:25,566 I love a garden center, you know what they put 1247 00:54:25,610 --> 00:54:27,699 at the garden center, that's not garden. 1248 00:54:27,742 --> 00:54:30,658 It's just teapots and scarves and jam. 1249 00:54:30,702 --> 00:54:32,704 Fuckin' love that bit. 1250 00:54:32,747 --> 00:54:34,445 And I picked up a magnifying mirror 1251 00:54:34,488 --> 00:54:35,663 'cause I thought it'd be good for the old 1252 00:54:35,707 --> 00:54:37,970 'tache and beard situation. 1253 00:54:38,013 --> 00:54:41,582 The magnifying mirror is 12 times magnified. 1254 00:54:41,626 --> 00:54:44,455 Twelve times! It's like watchin' the fuckin' "Blue Planet." 1255 00:54:44,498 --> 00:54:47,240 You can see them burstin' into life. 1256 00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:49,329 It's really quite beautiful. 1257 00:54:49,373 --> 00:54:51,070 So I paid for the mirror at the till, 1258 00:54:51,113 --> 00:54:52,811 I chucked it in me handbag, thought nothin' more of it. 1259 00:54:52,854 --> 00:54:54,595 Can you guess which one I got back out the next time 1260 00:54:54,639 --> 00:54:56,989 I needed to look at me fanny? Can you guess? Can you guess? 1261 00:54:58,860 --> 00:55:00,645 It was huge. 1262 00:55:00,688 --> 00:55:02,386 Couldn't work out if it looked like a horror film 1263 00:55:02,429 --> 00:55:04,344 or the best puddin' I'd ever seen. 1264 00:55:09,697 --> 00:55:11,873 But obviously, until you spend a lot of time in hotels, 1265 00:55:11,917 --> 00:55:13,397 and you tend to watch whatever's on the telly, 1266 00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:14,746 whatever time you get in, 1267 00:55:14,789 --> 00:55:16,051 which is my way of sayin' 1268 00:55:16,095 --> 00:55:17,401 that I've seen "Naked Attraction." 1269 00:55:17,444 --> 00:55:20,186 Has anybody else seen "Naked Attraction?" 1270 00:55:20,229 --> 00:55:23,320 Thank God for that. I thought I'd fuckin' dreamt it. 1271 00:55:23,363 --> 00:55:24,756 If you haven't, I will explain it to you, 1272 00:55:24,799 --> 00:55:26,235 but you might not believe me, be warned. 1273 00:55:26,279 --> 00:55:28,368 "Naked Attraction" is a dating program 1274 00:55:28,412 --> 00:55:29,717 where the person choosing the date 1275 00:55:29,761 --> 00:55:32,285 chooses from various people who are naked 1276 00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,243 in Perspex boxes 1277 00:55:34,287 --> 00:55:37,421 and revealed section by section from the bottom up. 1278 00:55:37,464 --> 00:55:38,726 Now every time I've seen it, it's always been 1279 00:55:38,770 --> 00:55:41,163 really young people. 20, 22, 24 at most. 1280 00:55:41,207 --> 00:55:43,252 And I was thinkin', what if they have older people on there? 1281 00:55:43,296 --> 00:55:44,471 Older people need dates as well, 1282 00:55:44,515 --> 00:55:46,168 it's not very fair, not very diverse, 1283 00:55:46,212 --> 00:55:48,127 and then I realized like that. 1284 00:55:48,170 --> 00:55:49,998 I am 43. 1285 00:55:50,042 --> 00:55:51,739 If I was on that program, they'd open 1286 00:55:51,783 --> 00:55:53,611 the bottom box and be like, "Well, it's just supposed 1287 00:55:53,654 --> 00:55:55,874 to be her legs, but you can see her tits as well." 1288 00:56:00,879 --> 00:56:03,664 With me, they'd be better off starting from the top. 1289 00:56:03,708 --> 00:56:08,713 Head. Tits. Tits. Tits. 1290 00:56:08,756 --> 00:56:10,367 Tits, belly, fanny. 1291 00:56:11,977 --> 00:56:13,108 Feet. 1292 00:56:16,460 --> 00:56:18,766 I do like to go home as much as possible when I'm on tour. 1293 00:56:18,810 --> 00:56:20,942 It's really nice to sleep in your own bed, isn't it? 1294 00:56:20,986 --> 00:56:22,248 A few months ago, I woke up in my own bed. 1295 00:56:22,291 --> 00:56:23,771 I was kind of of faffing on my phone 1296 00:56:23,815 --> 00:56:25,730 like we all tend to do when we wake up these days. 1297 00:56:25,773 --> 00:56:28,210 The dog was lyin' on one of me boobs. 1298 00:56:28,254 --> 00:56:30,212 Now when they're in a bra, that's quite tricky, 1299 00:56:30,256 --> 00:56:31,649 but when they're on the loose, that's just like a big 1300 00:56:31,692 --> 00:56:33,999 flat comfy dog bed for him. 1301 00:56:34,042 --> 00:56:35,957 So he's lyin' in there, my husband had got out of bed 1302 00:56:36,001 --> 00:56:37,437 and was startin' to get his clothes on. 1303 00:56:37,481 --> 00:56:39,613 And after a few minutes, the dog decided it was time 1304 00:56:39,657 --> 00:56:42,050 to get up, so he pushed himself up off my boob. 1305 00:56:42,094 --> 00:56:43,530 Pushed himself up 1306 00:56:43,574 --> 00:56:46,141 with all of his might and it really hurt. 1307 00:56:46,185 --> 00:56:48,361 So I made a noise, a noise of pain. 1308 00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:49,841 Unbeknownst to me, what was happenin' 1309 00:56:49,884 --> 00:56:51,364 at exactly that same moment, 1310 00:56:51,408 --> 00:56:53,845 my husband was right in front of me, naked, 1311 00:56:53,888 --> 00:56:58,066 bendin' over to pick up a sock off the floor. 1312 00:56:58,110 --> 00:56:59,764 He thought I made that noise 1313 00:56:59,807 --> 00:57:02,462 because I'd just seen his splayed arsehole. 1314 00:57:07,685 --> 00:57:10,601 The noise that I made was this. Ugh! 1315 00:57:13,168 --> 00:57:15,301 I said I would never make a noise like that at you. 1316 00:57:15,344 --> 00:57:17,564 That's so hurtful, I would never make a noise like that. 1317 00:57:17,608 --> 00:57:19,131 I might do a face. 1318 00:57:22,134 --> 00:57:24,745 And perhaps a small amount of quiet wretchin'. 1319 00:57:24,789 --> 00:57:26,530 Oh! 1320 00:57:26,573 --> 00:57:27,574 Oh! 1321 00:57:29,794 --> 00:57:30,751 Oh! 1322 00:57:35,016 --> 00:57:35,974 Oh, yeah. 1323 00:57:37,671 --> 00:57:39,368 I don't get in the newspapers very much, 1324 00:57:39,412 --> 00:57:41,675 which is a good thing, 'cause I'm a very private person. 1325 00:57:41,719 --> 00:57:43,329 But a few months ago, there was a story about me 1326 00:57:43,372 --> 00:57:45,549 in the "Irish Mirror." Started in the "Irish Mirror" 1327 00:57:45,592 --> 00:57:48,334 and it moved across to all of the UK tabloids as well. 1328 00:57:48,377 --> 00:57:50,162 And the story was this, the story was 1329 00:57:50,205 --> 00:57:51,903 that I'd been on a huge health kick 1330 00:57:51,946 --> 00:57:54,558 and had lost a dramatic amount of weight. 1331 00:57:54,601 --> 00:57:56,560 Now I can't see all of your faces, but the ones I can see 1332 00:57:56,603 --> 00:57:59,040 down here, you're right to have this expression on them. 1333 00:57:59,084 --> 00:58:00,085 Huh? 1334 00:58:02,566 --> 00:58:04,611 I've not been on a health kick. I've not lost any weight. 1335 00:58:04,655 --> 00:58:06,744 In fact, I'm fatter than I've ever been 1336 00:58:06,787 --> 00:58:09,007 and I could not give less of a shit! 1337 00:58:09,050 --> 00:58:11,662 [audience cheering] 1338 00:58:17,581 --> 00:58:19,496 How they came to their conclusion, 1339 00:58:19,539 --> 00:58:21,367 their story if you like, they found a photograph 1340 00:58:21,410 --> 00:58:22,716 I was in a sort of group shot 1341 00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,588 that was taken at the end of a TV record. 1342 00:58:24,631 --> 00:58:25,545 They compared that to a photograph 1343 00:58:25,589 --> 00:58:27,112 a friend had taken of me 1344 00:58:27,155 --> 00:58:29,244 and they cross-referenced those two photographs 1345 00:58:29,288 --> 00:58:32,247 with a third one from my Instagram account. 1346 00:58:32,291 --> 00:58:34,206 So the group shot was a photograph taken at the end 1347 00:58:34,249 --> 00:58:36,338 of an episode of "Never Mind The Buzzcocks" 1348 00:58:36,382 --> 00:58:38,863 and I had my arm around Lethal Bizzle. 1349 00:58:38,906 --> 00:58:41,387 Now if you're over 20, just pretend I said David Essex, 1350 00:58:41,430 --> 00:58:44,042 doesn't matter who that was. 1351 00:58:44,085 --> 00:58:45,739 Whenever you've got your arm around somebody, 1352 00:58:45,783 --> 00:58:47,828 everything lifts up, it's very unflattering and, of course, 1353 00:58:47,872 --> 00:58:49,613 I don't get to okay that photograph. 1354 00:58:49,656 --> 00:58:52,006 The one they compared it to, the one a friend had taken of me, 1355 00:58:52,050 --> 00:58:54,139 was nice, 'cause your friends take nice photos of you 1356 00:58:54,182 --> 00:58:55,619 'cause your friends like you. 1357 00:58:55,662 --> 00:58:57,577 And also your friends don't mind if you take their phones 1358 00:58:57,621 --> 00:59:01,581 off them and delete all of the ones you fuckin' hate. 1359 00:59:01,625 --> 00:59:03,801 So they compared those two and they cross-referenced them 1360 00:59:03,844 --> 00:59:05,759 with a third one from my Instagram account 1361 00:59:05,803 --> 00:59:07,587 which was off some satsumas. 1362 00:59:07,631 --> 00:59:09,807 I shit you not, ladies and gentlemen, 1363 00:59:09,850 --> 00:59:11,983 this is journalism today. 1364 00:59:12,026 --> 00:59:13,985 Now what I didn't like about it was the story 1365 00:59:14,028 --> 00:59:17,118 wasn't fat woman gets thin, which is not news anyway. 1366 00:59:17,162 --> 00:59:21,558 The story was fat woman gets better and that boils my piss. 1367 00:59:23,168 --> 00:59:25,779 The idea that women are told by the media 1368 00:59:25,823 --> 00:59:27,694 that only one body shape is allowed 1369 00:59:27,738 --> 00:59:30,479 and everything else is disgustin' and needs rectifyin' 1370 00:59:30,523 --> 00:59:33,570 is something I quite frankly will not fucking tolerate! 1371 00:59:33,613 --> 00:59:34,788 [audience cheering] 1372 00:59:34,832 --> 00:59:36,050 Thanks. 1373 00:59:41,403 --> 00:59:43,710 If I'm on the telly and I stand beside any woman at all, 1374 00:59:43,754 --> 00:59:45,582 I feel huge, I feel like a wardrobe. 1375 00:59:45,625 --> 00:59:49,063 But if I wander around Asda, I blend in. 1376 00:59:51,065 --> 00:59:52,632 But if I stand beside any woman on the telly 1377 00:59:52,676 --> 00:59:54,286 say, Amanda Holden, lovely woman, 1378 00:59:54,329 --> 00:59:57,681 if I stand beside Amanda Holden, she looks like my next meal. 1379 00:59:59,944 --> 01:00:02,642 Oh, has my Deliveroo arrived? 1380 01:00:02,686 --> 01:00:04,383 Sorry, I didn't see you there, Amanda. 1381 01:00:04,426 --> 01:00:05,689 You shouldn't hold a plastic fork. 1382 01:00:05,732 --> 01:00:06,777 Like, that's very confusing 1383 01:00:06,820 --> 01:00:08,909 for people like me. 1384 01:00:08,953 --> 01:00:11,085 Well, I pick up what I think is a crisp off the floor. 1385 01:00:11,129 --> 01:00:13,218 Turns out it's Kylie fuckin' Minogue. 1386 01:00:14,828 --> 01:00:17,135 She's gotta get to a show, guys, let's give her a hand. 1387 01:00:18,310 --> 01:00:19,398 [blows] 1388 01:00:20,529 --> 01:00:21,748 The thing is I've got a belly. 1389 01:00:21,792 --> 01:00:23,445 Give us a cheer if you've got a belly. 1390 01:00:23,489 --> 01:00:25,012 [audience cheering] 1391 01:00:25,056 --> 01:00:26,579 Some of your bellies might be bigger than mine, 1392 01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:27,885 some of them might be smaller than mine. 1393 01:00:27,928 --> 01:00:28,929 It doesn't fucking matter. 1394 01:00:28,973 --> 01:00:30,148 What I don't understand is 1395 01:00:30,191 --> 01:00:31,671 why I'm supposed to hate my belly. 1396 01:00:31,715 --> 01:00:33,934 I quite like my belly. It's full of things I love. 1397 01:00:35,719 --> 01:00:37,634 I do, I quite like it, sometimes I rub it like this 1398 01:00:37,677 --> 01:00:38,939 for comfort. 1399 01:00:38,983 --> 01:00:40,419 Now if this was pregnant, 1400 01:00:40,462 --> 01:00:42,726 people would want to touch it, wouldn't they? 1401 01:00:42,769 --> 01:00:44,684 If this was pregnant, people would ask about the sex 1402 01:00:44,728 --> 01:00:46,207 and I'd say it's pretty much the same way you do, 1403 01:00:46,251 --> 01:00:47,469 just a bit more slappy. 1404 01:00:54,999 --> 01:00:57,175 If this was pregnant, people would ask when's it due, 1405 01:00:57,218 --> 01:01:00,700 and I'd say, "It sort of depends what I've had for me tea." 1406 01:01:00,744 --> 01:01:03,877 If it's bread, I'd stand well back if I were you. 1407 01:01:04,965 --> 01:01:06,706 To be fair, it was once scanned. 1408 01:01:06,750 --> 01:01:09,491 But that was by accident at a self-service checkout. 1409 01:01:11,232 --> 01:01:13,321 There's no mystery to it, there's no magic to it. 1410 01:01:13,365 --> 01:01:15,367 The reason I've got a belly is 'cause I like to eat food. 1411 01:01:15,410 --> 01:01:16,585 It's really that straightforward. 1412 01:01:16,629 --> 01:01:17,761 Have you ever been in a restaurant 1413 01:01:17,804 --> 01:01:19,588 and ordered one dessert and two spoons? 1414 01:01:19,632 --> 01:01:21,503 One dessert and two spoons 1415 01:01:21,547 --> 01:01:23,114 so you can get it in faster. 1416 01:01:25,856 --> 01:01:27,553 What I'd say to you, if you've got a belly, 1417 01:01:27,596 --> 01:01:29,381 next time you see your belly, maybe you're getting ready 1418 01:01:29,424 --> 01:01:31,557 for bed after the show, maybe on the shower in the morning, 1419 01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:34,908 whenever it is, just give it a little comforting rub. 1420 01:01:34,952 --> 01:01:37,998 And just say to yourself, "Some people are beach body ready 1421 01:01:38,042 --> 01:01:40,087 and some of us are Christmas body ready." 1422 01:01:41,785 --> 01:01:44,178 I do genuinely worry about people who are beach body ready 1423 01:01:44,222 --> 01:01:45,745 at Christmas, 'cause they're like 1424 01:01:45,789 --> 01:01:49,183 "Oh, God, I've just had a Matchmaker and I'm stuffed." 1425 01:01:51,620 --> 01:01:54,362 And I'm like, "Well, I've been training for this whole year, 1426 01:01:54,406 --> 01:01:56,016 get out of me fuckin' way." 1427 01:02:04,459 --> 01:02:06,505 I do sometimes get myself in a bit of a tizzy 1428 01:02:06,548 --> 01:02:08,507 about these things, so do you ever start a conversation 1429 01:02:08,550 --> 01:02:10,639 with your partner with the words, "You know what!" 1430 01:02:10,683 --> 01:02:12,685 And they know just to shut the fuck up. 1431 01:02:14,426 --> 01:02:15,819 I had one of those very conversations 1432 01:02:15,862 --> 01:02:17,559 about this exact thing with my husband 1433 01:02:17,603 --> 01:02:19,823 quite recently, I said to him, "You know what?" 1434 01:02:19,866 --> 01:02:21,128 I'd said, "Do you know what, when I'm on the telly, 1435 01:02:21,172 --> 01:02:22,782 I feel like a fuckin' giant sometimes." 1436 01:02:22,826 --> 01:02:24,871 "I feel like a fuckin' giant!" 1437 01:02:24,915 --> 01:02:26,525 I said, "You know what, I bet next time I'm on one of those 1438 01:02:26,568 --> 01:02:28,701 chat shows like 'Graham Norton' or 'Jonathan Ross,' 1439 01:02:28,745 --> 01:02:30,790 they'll have all the Hollywood stars lined up on the sofa." 1440 01:02:30,834 --> 01:02:32,792 "The teeny, tiny Hollywood stars 1441 01:02:32,836 --> 01:02:34,315 all lined up on the sofa." 1442 01:02:34,359 --> 01:02:35,664 "Then when it's my turn to come out 1443 01:02:35,708 --> 01:02:36,883 they won't say my name. No." 1444 01:02:36,927 --> 01:02:38,102 "They'll all just stand up and go, 1445 01:02:38,145 --> 01:02:41,888 'Fee fi fo fum!'" 1446 01:02:41,932 --> 01:02:43,455 "And all the wine glasses will ripple 1447 01:02:43,498 --> 01:02:44,848 like in 'Jurassic fuckin' Park.'" 1448 01:02:44,891 --> 01:02:46,501 "And I won't get to sit on that sofa." 1449 01:02:46,545 --> 01:02:48,460 "No, no, they'll just open a window and there'll be 1450 01:02:48,503 --> 01:02:50,505 my massive fuckin' eye." 1451 01:02:52,812 --> 01:02:53,987 And my husband said, "That's not what I thought 1452 01:02:54,031 --> 01:02:56,337 you were gonna say." 1453 01:02:56,381 --> 01:02:57,904 "So what did you think I was gonna say?" 1454 01:02:57,948 --> 01:02:58,905 He said, "I thought you were gonna say that 1455 01:02:58,949 --> 01:03:00,167 when you sat on the sofa, 1456 01:03:00,211 --> 01:03:02,126 all the Hollywood stars went flying." 1457 01:03:09,916 --> 01:03:11,744 Well, my sister used to do, uh, massage 1458 01:03:11,788 --> 01:03:13,441 and she said, "Be careful of the rubbing that you do." 1459 01:03:13,485 --> 01:03:15,922 And I said, "Why?" She said, "Doing that can make you shit." 1460 01:03:15,966 --> 01:03:18,055 I said, "Maybe I haven't got IBS after all." 1461 01:03:18,098 --> 01:03:20,535 "I'm just rubbing shit out of meself." 1462 01:03:23,625 --> 01:03:26,193 I do like to keep fit, I went on the exercise bike, 1463 01:03:26,237 --> 01:03:27,847 ooh, four years ago now. 1464 01:03:29,675 --> 01:03:32,896 Still fuckin' regular. Fuck off. 1465 01:03:32,939 --> 01:03:35,507 And my friend said to me, "Look, you only need to do 20 minutes 1466 01:03:35,550 --> 01:03:37,509 to get any benefit." She said, "Just set your kitchen timer." 1467 01:03:37,552 --> 01:03:38,902 "Then you'll know when it's time to come off." 1468 01:03:38,945 --> 01:03:40,207 I was like, "That's a great idea." 1469 01:03:40,251 --> 01:03:42,340 So I set the kitchen timer at 20 minutes. 1470 01:03:42,383 --> 01:03:44,864 I got on the exercise bike, the first thing I did when I got off 1471 01:03:44,908 --> 01:03:46,518 was checked what can I eat now, 1472 01:03:46,561 --> 01:03:48,302 'cause that's what you do, isn't it? 1473 01:03:48,346 --> 01:03:50,130 I work out how many calories I've burned off 1474 01:03:50,174 --> 01:03:53,481 and what that food is and if I can eat it. 1475 01:03:53,525 --> 01:03:55,179 Half a cashew, that's what I burned off. 1476 01:03:55,222 --> 01:03:57,572 Half of one cashew. 1477 01:03:57,616 --> 01:03:59,574 I don't even like cashew nuts. 1478 01:03:59,618 --> 01:04:02,490 I mean, I still eat it obviously. 1479 01:04:02,534 --> 01:04:04,101 And then the kitchen timer went off and I knew 1480 01:04:04,144 --> 01:04:05,885 me biscuits were cooked. Smashin'. 1481 01:04:08,932 --> 01:04:10,150 A few months ago, I decided 1482 01:04:10,194 --> 01:04:11,848 to treat myself to some posh shampoo. 1483 01:04:11,891 --> 01:04:14,241 Now normally when I buy shampoo, I buy whatever's on offer. 1484 01:04:14,285 --> 01:04:15,764 Three for two, two for one. 1485 01:04:15,808 --> 01:04:18,071 Nine for five. I'm not bothered. 1486 01:04:18,115 --> 01:04:20,378 'Cause I think shampoo is glorified washing up liquid 1487 01:04:20,421 --> 01:04:22,162 in a fancy bottle, but this day, I don't know why, 1488 01:04:22,206 --> 01:04:23,903 I decided to treat myself to some posh shampoo, 1489 01:04:23,947 --> 01:04:25,600 went to a posh toiletry shop. 1490 01:04:25,644 --> 01:04:27,994 They had like a wall of shampoo. So many different kinds. 1491 01:04:28,038 --> 01:04:29,430 I'm lookin' at all the different kinds. 1492 01:04:29,474 --> 01:04:30,823 They didn't have the kind that I wanted 1493 01:04:30,867 --> 01:04:32,216 'cause they never have the kind that I want. 1494 01:04:32,259 --> 01:04:34,000 'Cause the kind that I want doesn't exist. 1495 01:04:34,044 --> 01:04:36,307 The kind that I want is a bottle of shampoo that just says 1496 01:04:36,350 --> 01:04:39,223 to clean your hair. That's all I want. 1497 01:04:39,266 --> 01:04:41,529 There are so many insults on bottles of shampoos these days. 1498 01:04:41,573 --> 01:04:44,010 So many personal questions. "Are you dry?" 1499 01:04:45,838 --> 01:04:47,492 Things are still going very well, but I'm not sure 1500 01:04:47,535 --> 01:04:49,886 why it's relevant. Thanks for asking. 1501 01:04:49,929 --> 01:04:53,324 "Are you greasy?" I probably just had chips, so, yes. 1502 01:04:53,367 --> 01:04:56,414 "Are you difficult to manage?" Abso-fucking-lutely I am. 1503 01:04:58,372 --> 01:05:00,592 The woman who worked in the shop kind of sidled up to me. 1504 01:05:00,635 --> 01:05:02,681 And I thought this is why I don't normally go in posh shops 1505 01:05:02,724 --> 01:05:05,989 like this 'cause now I've got to have a fuckin' conversation. 1506 01:05:06,032 --> 01:05:07,164 They don't talk to you in Superdrug 1507 01:05:07,207 --> 01:05:08,861 unless you're trying to nick stuff. 1508 01:05:10,384 --> 01:05:12,125 Just so you know. 1509 01:05:13,474 --> 01:05:14,954 She sidled up to me and she said, 1510 01:05:14,998 --> 01:05:17,739 "What do you struggle with?" 1511 01:05:17,783 --> 01:05:20,264 And looking back. I think she meant me hair. 1512 01:05:23,658 --> 01:05:26,313 And I just went anxiety, 1513 01:05:26,357 --> 01:05:28,576 me weight, and today thrush. 1514 01:05:35,322 --> 01:05:36,758 She properly looked at me hair 1515 01:05:36,802 --> 01:05:40,240 and she said, "You struggle with your volume." 1516 01:05:40,284 --> 01:05:41,894 All I said to her was I just want clean hair. 1517 01:05:41,938 --> 01:05:43,722 That's all I said, but I said it as loud as I could 1518 01:05:43,765 --> 01:05:45,028 right into her fuckin' ear. 1519 01:05:45,071 --> 01:05:47,595 "There's no problem with my volume, bitch." 1520 01:05:50,294 --> 01:05:53,427 In the same shop, they had something called home spray. 1521 01:05:53,471 --> 01:05:55,125 And I asked the lady what home spray was. 1522 01:05:55,168 --> 01:05:57,344 She explained it was kind of air freshener. I said, "Okay." 1523 01:05:57,388 --> 01:05:59,956 And then she said, "Is there a room in your house 1524 01:05:59,999 --> 01:06:01,783 that could do with smellin' better?" 1525 01:06:01,827 --> 01:06:03,263 I said "I've got IBS, love." 1526 01:06:03,307 --> 01:06:06,092 "All of my rooms could do with smelling better." 1527 01:06:07,876 --> 01:06:09,313 I said, "What flavor?" She didn't like that. 1528 01:06:09,356 --> 01:06:10,967 She wanted me to say scent or smell. 1529 01:06:11,010 --> 01:06:13,491 I said, "What flavor would be good for a toilet then? 1530 01:06:13,534 --> 01:06:15,188 She said, "Orange and bergamot." 1531 01:06:15,232 --> 01:06:17,016 Now I don't know what bergamot is. 1532 01:06:17,060 --> 01:06:19,323 But now I've got the spray, I know it smells of shit. 1533 01:06:22,239 --> 01:06:23,805 But I bought the spray and I kind of subtly put it 1534 01:06:23,849 --> 01:06:25,938 on the windowsill in our toilet, and a few days later, 1535 01:06:25,982 --> 01:06:27,374 I noticed my husband hadn't used it. 1536 01:06:27,418 --> 01:06:29,420 I said, "You haven't used this special spray." 1537 01:06:29,463 --> 01:06:31,422 He said, "What's this special spray for?" 1538 01:06:31,465 --> 01:06:34,251 I said, "It's for if you've made a bad smell." 1539 01:06:34,294 --> 01:06:35,992 He said, "Oh, that spray. Is that what I keep smellin'?" 1540 01:06:36,035 --> 01:06:37,515 I said, "Yeah, what did you think it was?" 1541 01:06:37,558 --> 01:06:39,473 He said, "Oh, I just thought you had a fancy, man." 1542 01:06:39,517 --> 01:06:41,998 I was like, "Just comes 'round when I've done a shit!" 1543 01:06:44,087 --> 01:06:46,002 That is fucking niche, mate. 1544 01:06:49,222 --> 01:06:51,572 But generally, I'm not a very girly girl, but I do quite like 1545 01:06:51,616 --> 01:06:53,444 painting my toenails, and that's quite a recent thing. 1546 01:06:53,487 --> 01:06:55,315 I used to find it quite problematic to paint 1547 01:06:55,359 --> 01:06:56,969 my toenails 'cause I've got a lot of stuff here. 1548 01:06:57,013 --> 01:06:59,102 When I concertina my body together, 1549 01:06:59,145 --> 01:07:01,669 there's often still quite the gap to bridge. 1550 01:07:01,713 --> 01:07:03,149 So I've found a really good way of doin' it. 1551 01:07:03,193 --> 01:07:04,977 If you are similarly endowed, then listen up, 1552 01:07:05,021 --> 01:07:06,152 this might be helpful to you. 1553 01:07:06,196 --> 01:07:08,372 What I do now is I sit on a chair, 1554 01:07:08,415 --> 01:07:10,548 I bring one leg up. 1555 01:07:10,591 --> 01:07:13,551 I put a boob either side of the leg 1556 01:07:13,594 --> 01:07:15,944 and then I paint my toenails as fast as I can 1557 01:07:15,988 --> 01:07:17,685 until I run out of breath. 1558 01:07:26,868 --> 01:07:28,174 But as I get older, 1559 01:07:28,218 --> 01:07:29,697 I'm getting much better at using the word no. 1560 01:07:29,741 --> 01:07:31,395 I used to be rubbish at saying no. 1561 01:07:31,438 --> 01:07:33,745 Used to say yes all the time. Yes too much. Yes to everything. 1562 01:07:33,788 --> 01:07:35,268 To the point where I felt a bit like a doormat. 1563 01:07:35,312 --> 01:07:37,357 Felt like I was being used, I suppose. 1564 01:07:37,401 --> 01:07:38,924 And then I went through a phase of saying yes 1565 01:07:38,967 --> 01:07:40,317 but immediately regretting it. 1566 01:07:40,360 --> 01:07:41,753 And then I went through a phase saying no 1567 01:07:41,796 --> 01:07:43,363 but then in a really kind of wishy-washy, 1568 01:07:43,407 --> 01:07:45,496 namby-pamby sort of way. 1569 01:07:45,539 --> 01:07:48,847 Now if somebody asks me to do something I don't want to do, 1570 01:07:48,890 --> 01:07:51,763 I just go like this, "No." 1571 01:07:51,806 --> 01:07:53,504 My friend pointed out that my voice changes. 1572 01:07:53,547 --> 01:07:55,071 So if I do wanna do, then I go, 1573 01:07:55,114 --> 01:07:56,159 "Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks very much." 1574 01:07:56,202 --> 01:07:58,465 And if I don't, I go, "No." 1575 01:07:58,509 --> 01:08:00,902 No apology, no explanation, 1576 01:08:00,946 --> 01:08:02,600 just... no. 1577 01:08:04,515 --> 01:08:05,907 Made a list of some of the things 1578 01:08:05,951 --> 01:08:07,996 I've said no to over the years. 1579 01:08:08,040 --> 01:08:09,607 First thing on my list: 1580 01:08:09,650 --> 01:08:12,653 I said no to openin' a sexual health clinic 1581 01:08:12,697 --> 01:08:15,482 on the Isle of Wight. 1582 01:08:15,526 --> 01:08:17,180 You know, when I say openin', I mean cuttin' a ribbon, 1583 01:08:17,223 --> 01:08:19,051 not gettin' plan information, you know... 1584 01:08:22,185 --> 01:08:23,708 I said no to a voiceover for an advert 1585 01:08:23,751 --> 01:08:25,318 they thought I was perfect for. 1586 01:08:25,362 --> 01:08:27,146 And I thought, "Let's see what you think I'm perfect for." 1587 01:08:27,190 --> 01:08:29,017 It was an advert for soil. 1588 01:08:30,889 --> 01:08:32,456 All I can think is that they googled my name 1589 01:08:32,499 --> 01:08:34,197 and it said I was very dirty. 1590 01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:36,547 And they were like, "Yup, she'll do that. She's dirty." 1591 01:08:36,590 --> 01:08:38,592 Down there, she's probably got worms, yep, yep, yep. 1592 01:08:40,551 --> 01:08:41,726 This one's very straight-forward. 1593 01:08:41,769 --> 01:08:42,901 I say no to skinny jeans 1594 01:08:42,944 --> 01:08:44,207 'cause I find them very thrushy. 1595 01:08:44,250 --> 01:08:46,600 Very straight-forward that one. 1596 01:08:46,644 --> 01:08:48,863 I say no to giving my e-mail address 1597 01:08:48,907 --> 01:08:51,692 to shop assistants. Have you had this? 1598 01:08:51,736 --> 01:08:53,216 Actually, the last time it happened, I didn't say no, 1599 01:08:53,259 --> 01:08:54,434 I said a different word, I got to the till 1600 01:08:54,478 --> 01:08:55,783 and the man on the till said, 1601 01:08:55,827 --> 01:08:57,133 "And your e-mail address is?" 1602 01:08:57,176 --> 01:08:58,699 And I said, "Irrelevant." 1603 01:09:06,577 --> 01:09:10,102 I say no to guinea pigs. Don't say aww. 1604 01:09:10,146 --> 01:09:12,974 Somebody, if they say aww, they're shit. 1605 01:09:13,018 --> 01:09:16,674 They are budget rabbits at best. 1606 01:09:16,717 --> 01:09:18,893 Go on, spend another couple of pounds, 1607 01:09:18,937 --> 01:09:20,852 treat yourself to some fuckin' ears. 1608 01:09:25,248 --> 01:09:26,814 Well, think about it. Think about "Watership Down." 1609 01:09:26,858 --> 01:09:28,642 If "Watership Down" was guinea pigs instead of rabbits, 1610 01:09:28,686 --> 01:09:30,862 you wouldn't cry at the end, would you? 1611 01:09:30,905 --> 01:09:33,952 You'd go like this, "Mm." 1612 01:09:33,995 --> 01:09:36,737 Nobody ever made a vibrator out of a guinea pig, did they? 1613 01:09:40,828 --> 01:09:43,048 You know why? 'Cause this bit's really important. 1614 01:09:43,091 --> 01:09:44,354 This one. 1615 01:09:47,922 --> 01:09:51,274 I say no to people in the street with clipboards. 1616 01:09:51,317 --> 01:09:53,145 There was a few people agreeing with that over there 1617 01:09:53,189 --> 01:09:55,103 unless they're standin' outside the stationery shop 1618 01:09:55,147 --> 01:09:56,757 and there's an offer on clipboards 1619 01:09:56,801 --> 01:09:59,717 'cause I love stationery more than fuckin' life itself. 1620 01:10:01,545 --> 01:10:04,112 I say no to notebooks and aspirational signs 1621 01:10:04,156 --> 01:10:05,636 that say anything to do with dreams. 1622 01:10:05,679 --> 01:10:06,724 Make your dreams come true. 1623 01:10:06,767 --> 01:10:08,421 Make your dreams a reality. 1624 01:10:08,465 --> 01:10:10,423 'Cause I always think do you mean my actual dreams, 1625 01:10:10,467 --> 01:10:12,817 like the ones I have in the night? 1626 01:10:12,860 --> 01:10:14,732 How would you make those come true? 1627 01:10:14,775 --> 01:10:17,387 Are you sure? 1628 01:10:17,430 --> 01:10:19,171 You want me to find out where The Rock lives? 1629 01:10:19,215 --> 01:10:20,346 You want me to go to his house, 1630 01:10:20,390 --> 01:10:21,913 wait until he gives me the kittens 1631 01:10:21,956 --> 01:10:23,523 and then take me top off? Is that what you want? 1632 01:10:23,567 --> 01:10:25,264 Is that what you want? 1633 01:10:29,355 --> 01:10:33,054 I say no to slates instead of plates. Have you had this? 1634 01:10:33,098 --> 01:10:34,360 You're in a perfectly nice restaurant 1635 01:10:34,404 --> 01:10:35,361 and they bring your dinner 1636 01:10:35,405 --> 01:10:36,623 on a bit of fuckin' roof. 1637 01:10:42,325 --> 01:10:44,370 I was at the Edinburgh Fringe in August last year 1638 01:10:44,414 --> 01:10:48,853 and I was genuinely served a fry-up in a fryin' pan. 1639 01:10:48,896 --> 01:10:50,463 Because mornings aren't my best time, 1640 01:10:50,507 --> 01:10:52,857 I'm not in my most alert on a mornin', 1641 01:10:52,900 --> 01:10:54,946 I ate it really quickly because I was worried 1642 01:10:54,989 --> 01:10:57,122 they were waitin' for the pan. 1643 01:11:02,127 --> 01:11:03,433 This next one's a little bit controversial. 1644 01:11:03,476 --> 01:11:04,782 Not everybody likes this one. 1645 01:11:04,825 --> 01:11:06,784 There's three to go, by the way. 1646 01:11:06,827 --> 01:11:10,918 I said no to a gig at the Queen's Jubilee. 1647 01:11:10,962 --> 01:11:14,531 Because I was picking up a kitten. 1648 01:11:14,574 --> 01:11:16,446 I'd had eight years of my life without any pets. 1649 01:11:16,489 --> 01:11:18,012 The longest I've ever gone, 1650 01:11:18,056 --> 01:11:19,318 uh, because of the lifestyle, of my job. 1651 01:11:19,362 --> 01:11:20,406 And then my husband and I realized 1652 01:11:20,450 --> 01:11:21,886 we were finally in a position 1653 01:11:21,929 --> 01:11:23,496 where we could definitely look after a cat. 1654 01:11:23,540 --> 01:11:25,498 And our friend's cat had just had kittens 1655 01:11:25,542 --> 01:11:27,283 so we locked a date in my diary 1656 01:11:27,326 --> 01:11:29,241 when that kitten could leave his mum and come and live with us. 1657 01:11:29,285 --> 01:11:30,895 So it was locked in my diary. 1658 01:11:30,938 --> 01:11:35,378 And my agent, she said, "But it's the Queen's Jubilee." 1659 01:11:35,421 --> 01:11:38,163 And I said, "But it's a kitten." 1660 01:11:39,773 --> 01:11:41,514 And she tried all ways to persuade me 1661 01:11:41,558 --> 01:11:43,037 and in the end, I just said, "Look, I don't care 1662 01:11:43,081 --> 01:11:45,562 how good her tits are. I'm not fuckin' goin'." 1663 01:11:48,913 --> 01:11:50,393 Second last one. 1664 01:11:50,436 --> 01:11:53,483 I said no to someone shoving a crunchy up my fanny. 1665 01:11:55,398 --> 01:11:57,443 Now I don't know when you last had a crunchy. 1666 01:11:57,487 --> 01:11:59,619 You might not remember the chocolate is very thin 1667 01:11:59,663 --> 01:12:03,580 and would have fizzled off in no time. 1668 01:12:03,623 --> 01:12:08,541 It's a very angular cinder toffee, that would have hurt. 1669 01:12:08,585 --> 01:12:11,283 And also, I don't do adverts, anyway. 1670 01:12:15,461 --> 01:12:17,376 It wasn't even a Friday. 1671 01:12:19,770 --> 01:12:21,554 And the last one on my list. 1672 01:12:21,598 --> 01:12:23,034 I say no to people 1673 01:12:23,077 --> 01:12:25,776 driving up the closed lane and cuttin' in. 1674 01:12:25,819 --> 01:12:28,169 Do you know what I mean by this? Yeah. 1675 01:12:28,213 --> 01:12:29,736 So we all see the sign at the same point, don't we? 1676 01:12:29,780 --> 01:12:32,130 The sign that says in 800 yards, this lane will close, 1677 01:12:32,173 --> 01:12:35,002 this lane will close and this lane will remain open. 1678 01:12:35,046 --> 01:12:37,048 Now I'd like to consider myself a good driver. 1679 01:12:37,091 --> 01:12:38,615 I immediately start working my way across 1680 01:12:38,658 --> 01:12:40,399 to the lane that will remain open. 1681 01:12:40,443 --> 01:12:43,010 Some people though just drive to the front of the other lanes 1682 01:12:43,054 --> 01:12:44,403 and cut in. 1683 01:12:44,447 --> 01:12:47,406 Now if this me and this is you, 1684 01:12:47,450 --> 01:12:49,626 you better hope that your car 1685 01:12:49,669 --> 01:12:52,846 is not bigger than a fuckin' pube. 1686 01:12:57,590 --> 01:13:00,767 Because that is the gap that I'm leavin' between me 1687 01:13:00,811 --> 01:13:04,031 and the car in front of me. 1688 01:13:04,075 --> 01:13:06,120 Now that is very clearly a no action, 1689 01:13:06,164 --> 01:13:08,645 that driver must surely understand what's going on, 1690 01:13:08,688 --> 01:13:11,517 but I always want them to see my face sayin' no as well. 1691 01:13:11,561 --> 01:13:14,433 So I wait until they side up, 'cause they do that, don't they? 1692 01:13:14,477 --> 01:13:16,000 They drive up alongside you, 1693 01:13:16,043 --> 01:13:17,741 they glance across at you and your car 1694 01:13:17,784 --> 01:13:19,656 in a slightly sort of pleadin' way. 1695 01:13:19,699 --> 01:13:22,398 "Oh, go on. Let me in." 1696 01:13:22,441 --> 01:13:24,400 "I'm only drivin' an Audi TT." 1697 01:13:25,966 --> 01:13:27,490 "I'm just a cunt." 1698 01:13:36,281 --> 01:13:38,457 Now is when I glance across at them and I go like this, 1699 01:13:38,501 --> 01:13:40,546 No! 1700 01:13:40,590 --> 01:13:42,461 No! 1701 01:13:42,505 --> 01:13:44,202 And just to make sure they definitely get the message, 1702 01:13:44,245 --> 01:13:46,160 I do this. Oh! 1703 01:13:55,561 --> 01:13:57,650 When I, uh, when I buy knickers. 1704 01:13:57,694 --> 01:14:00,871 Alright, that's where we're goin' now, kids. 1705 01:14:00,914 --> 01:14:03,047 When I buy knickers, I buy them from Marks & Spencer's 1706 01:14:03,090 --> 01:14:04,657 'cause things are going quite well for me. 1707 01:14:04,701 --> 01:14:06,529 And I buy a multipack of five. 1708 01:14:06,572 --> 01:14:09,140 Now the shape that I buy, I don't buy the giant ones 1709 01:14:09,183 --> 01:14:11,447 that I could tuck my tits into, 1710 01:14:11,490 --> 01:14:13,405 but I equally don't buy the teeny tiny ones 1711 01:14:13,449 --> 01:14:15,799 that I might lose. 1712 01:14:15,842 --> 01:14:17,453 You know those ones that you're gettin' ready for bed 1713 01:14:17,496 --> 01:14:19,542 and you're like, "I'm sure I put knickers on today." 1714 01:14:25,373 --> 01:14:28,638 "My vagina appears to have eaten them." 1715 01:14:28,681 --> 01:14:30,291 I get the somewhere-in-the-middle ones, 1716 01:14:30,335 --> 01:14:31,510 that's what I get, the somewhere-in-the-middle ones, 1717 01:14:31,554 --> 01:14:32,729 and I get a multipack of five 1718 01:14:32,772 --> 01:14:34,470 and I get the multicolored ones. 1719 01:14:34,513 --> 01:14:36,472 Example, the most recent pack I bought 1720 01:14:36,515 --> 01:14:38,082 was an orange pair with white trim. 1721 01:14:38,125 --> 01:14:40,606 Love the color orange. A white pair with orange trim. 1722 01:14:40,650 --> 01:14:41,999 I see what you've done, you've jazzed up 1723 01:14:42,042 --> 01:14:43,391 a borin' pair of knickers. 1724 01:14:43,435 --> 01:14:45,263 Orange and white stripe, be happy with those. 1725 01:14:45,306 --> 01:14:47,657 Navy blue with white spots, they're me favorites. 1726 01:14:47,700 --> 01:14:50,486 And there's always a kind of generic nana flowery pair 1727 01:14:50,529 --> 01:14:52,575 that I do not find offensive. 1728 01:14:52,618 --> 01:14:55,621 My point is this, I think that Marks & Spencer's 1729 01:14:55,665 --> 01:14:57,188 are missin' a trick. 1730 01:14:57,231 --> 01:15:01,279 Why don't they do a period pack of knickers? 1731 01:15:01,322 --> 01:15:03,237 Pink, red, red, red, brown. 1732 01:15:12,159 --> 01:15:13,770 For those optimistic months, 1733 01:15:13,813 --> 01:15:16,033 pink, red, red, brown, red, fuck. 1734 01:15:23,606 --> 01:15:25,172 But obviously, doing this for a livin', 1735 01:15:25,216 --> 01:15:26,739 I get home very late at night often. 1736 01:15:26,783 --> 01:15:28,393 And I got home at 2:00 in the mornin' once 1737 01:15:28,436 --> 01:15:29,873 and my husband was still up and he said, 1738 01:15:29,916 --> 01:15:31,875 "I've got something to show you in the bedroom." 1739 01:15:31,918 --> 01:15:33,877 And I thought, "Oh, I'm not in the mood." 1740 01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:35,966 "Let the dog out the crate." 1741 01:15:37,620 --> 01:15:39,056 We went to the bedroom, my husband switched 1742 01:15:39,099 --> 01:15:41,537 on the big light and gestured into the bed. 1743 01:15:41,580 --> 01:15:44,148 He went like this, "Ta-da!" 1744 01:15:45,671 --> 01:15:47,804 Ta-da! 1745 01:15:47,847 --> 01:15:49,849 He changed the beddin'. 1746 01:15:51,416 --> 01:15:53,331 Ta-da! 1747 01:15:53,374 --> 01:15:55,899 You know that way that some men want a badge for somethin' 1748 01:15:55,942 --> 01:15:58,423 women do all the time. 1749 01:15:58,466 --> 01:16:00,077 The duvet cover he put on was a nice one, 1750 01:16:00,120 --> 01:16:01,861 it's a really nice one, it's a white one that we have 1751 01:16:01,905 --> 01:16:03,907 and it has a stripe of kind of reddish flowers 1752 01:16:03,950 --> 01:16:06,257 and a stripe of kind of bluish flowers, it's really nice. 1753 01:16:06,300 --> 01:16:09,086 The pillowcase he put on were mint green. 1754 01:16:11,479 --> 01:16:12,742 No! 1755 01:16:14,526 --> 01:16:16,397 I said, "What have you done that for?" 1756 01:16:16,441 --> 01:16:18,704 He said, "Done what?" I said, "They don't match." 1757 01:16:18,748 --> 01:16:20,488 He said, "It doesn't matter," and I thought, 1758 01:16:20,532 --> 01:16:22,795 "Oh, he's sort of right. Isn't he?" 1759 01:16:22,839 --> 01:16:24,362 And then I realized why it did matter 1760 01:16:24,405 --> 01:16:25,885 and I said, "Yeah, but when I go to change it again, 1761 01:16:25,929 --> 01:16:26,843 if I haven't done all me washings, 1762 01:16:26,886 --> 01:16:28,409 I won't have all me sets. 1763 01:16:28,453 --> 01:16:30,107 And he went, "It's gonna be dark in a minute." 1764 01:16:30,150 --> 01:16:32,544 And I thought, "His reasonin' is really sound." 1765 01:16:33,937 --> 01:16:35,286 But even though it was 2:00 in the mornin', 1766 01:16:35,329 --> 01:16:37,984 I still made him change the pillowcases. 1767 01:16:38,028 --> 01:16:39,595 We got into bed straight afterwards. 1768 01:16:39,638 --> 01:16:42,249 My husband's a really calm, easygoing, lovely man. 1769 01:16:42,293 --> 01:16:44,034 He just start to fall asleep. I couldn't though. 1770 01:16:44,077 --> 01:16:47,646 I was wide awake because I was livid. 1771 01:16:47,690 --> 01:16:51,650 Even though it was all fixed, I was still fuckin' furious. 1772 01:16:51,694 --> 01:16:53,434 And I said to him, "Can I say something?" 1773 01:16:53,478 --> 01:16:54,914 And he said, "Of course." I said, "You know when you hear 1774 01:16:54,958 --> 01:16:57,003 on the news that in America, 1775 01:16:57,047 --> 01:16:59,876 a man has been stabbed 77 times 1776 01:16:59,919 --> 01:17:02,400 in a frenzied attack by his wife." 1777 01:17:02,443 --> 01:17:04,532 He said, "Yeah." I said, "I get it." 1778 01:17:06,752 --> 01:17:10,060 Did the police check the pillowcases? 1779 01:17:10,103 --> 01:17:11,714 Did the police check to see if there was a teaspoon 1780 01:17:11,757 --> 01:17:13,193 back in the drawer that had been rinsed 1781 01:17:13,237 --> 01:17:16,588 but not properly fuckin' washed? 1782 01:17:16,632 --> 01:17:18,068 Did the police check to see there's a toilet roll 1783 01:17:18,111 --> 01:17:20,113 just balanced on the holder but not slotted 1784 01:17:20,157 --> 01:17:21,854 on the fuckin' thing? 1785 01:17:26,076 --> 01:17:27,904 My husband said, "Look, it's all sorted now." 1786 01:17:27,947 --> 01:17:29,470 "Why don't we just try and get some sleep?" 1787 01:17:29,514 --> 01:17:31,690 I said, "Well, I'm not sure I can." 1788 01:17:31,734 --> 01:17:34,475 He said, "Why not?" I said, "I'm wide awake." 1789 01:17:34,519 --> 01:17:37,696 So he said to me in the dark, 1790 01:17:37,740 --> 01:17:41,265 in his most coquettish voice, 1791 01:17:41,308 --> 01:17:45,312 he said, "Is there anything I could do 1792 01:17:45,356 --> 01:17:47,227 that might help you fall asleep?" 1793 01:17:47,271 --> 01:17:49,708 I said, "Oh, you could rub me butt until I pass out." 1794 01:17:51,405 --> 01:17:53,581 "And do it fuckin' quietly." 1795 01:17:55,322 --> 01:17:56,976 "Oh, you bugger." 1796 01:18:07,726 --> 01:18:09,772 I've got a new theory. See what you think of this. 1797 01:18:09,815 --> 01:18:11,121 I think this is a pretty good theory. 1798 01:18:11,164 --> 01:18:12,905 My theory is that the older we get, 1799 01:18:12,949 --> 01:18:15,473 the longer it takes us to go to bed. 1800 01:18:15,516 --> 01:18:16,909 So if you know somebody in their 80s 1801 01:18:16,953 --> 01:18:18,128 and they go to bed at 9 o'clock, 1802 01:18:18,171 --> 01:18:19,738 that's not what time she goes to bed, 1803 01:18:19,782 --> 01:18:22,915 that's what time she starts her checks. 1804 01:18:22,959 --> 01:18:26,571 I have made a comprehensive list 1805 01:18:26,614 --> 01:18:28,704 of everything I do before I go to bed. 1806 01:18:28,747 --> 01:18:30,140 You might have some of these things in common. 1807 01:18:30,183 --> 01:18:32,142 Let us see. The first thing on my list, 1808 01:18:32,185 --> 01:18:35,754 the first thing I do before I go to bed is I empty the dog. 1809 01:18:35,798 --> 01:18:37,451 Now you might call it walkin' the dog, 1810 01:18:37,495 --> 01:18:39,976 but it's pretty functional at that time of night. 1811 01:18:40,019 --> 01:18:41,804 I empty the dog. 1812 01:18:41,847 --> 01:18:43,544 Then I check the cat. We've got two housecats. 1813 01:18:43,588 --> 01:18:45,633 I check that they're alright and then if we've had it on, 1814 01:18:45,677 --> 01:18:48,158 I'll turn the heatin' down. 1815 01:18:48,201 --> 01:18:50,769 Then I check that the conservatory doors 1816 01:18:50,813 --> 01:18:55,252 that have never been opened are closed. 1817 01:18:55,295 --> 01:18:57,733 And I do that twice. 1818 01:18:59,386 --> 01:19:02,302 I apply ointments to various orifices. 1819 01:19:04,304 --> 01:19:07,307 I take my makeup off. I put my face cream on. 1820 01:19:07,351 --> 01:19:09,527 Now sometimes I don't bother takin' my makeup off 1821 01:19:09,570 --> 01:19:12,008 and I just put my face cream straight on top 1822 01:19:12,051 --> 01:19:14,706 and I wake up and I look like a shiny panda. 1823 01:19:17,056 --> 01:19:19,798 I swill the bath of earlier pubes. 1824 01:19:21,365 --> 01:19:22,845 I do a poo. 1825 01:19:24,107 --> 01:19:26,152 I reapply the cream. 1826 01:19:34,030 --> 01:19:35,683 I wash the finger. 1827 01:19:43,474 --> 01:19:46,259 I check the cooker that hasn't been on is off. 1828 01:19:46,303 --> 01:19:49,872 Sometimes, not always, but I might have a wank. 1829 01:19:49,915 --> 01:19:51,743 Then I'll have me last wee, which if I've had a wank 1830 01:19:51,787 --> 01:19:54,572 can take a bit longer 'cause my fanny is confused. 1831 01:19:57,749 --> 01:19:59,272 Do a fart. 1832 01:20:00,186 --> 01:20:02,101 I reapply the cream. 1833 01:20:04,625 --> 01:20:07,977 And finally, I rub the finger on the inside of my nightie. 1834 01:20:08,020 --> 01:20:10,370 [audience cheering] 1835 01:20:18,683 --> 01:20:20,076 It's a great reaction, 'cause you're all like, 1836 01:20:20,119 --> 01:20:22,382 "Oh, that's disgusting. I do that as well." 1837 01:20:24,384 --> 01:20:25,821 You've been such a delight. You really have. 1838 01:20:25,864 --> 01:20:27,997 Um, let me leave you with one final thing. 1839 01:20:28,040 --> 01:20:29,999 Uh, I was in the car and I had the radio on 1840 01:20:30,042 --> 01:20:31,652 and a song came on by Little Mix. 1841 01:20:31,696 --> 01:20:33,306 Now I love Little Mix, 'cause I love a good pop song 1842 01:20:33,350 --> 01:20:34,525 and I think that's what they're excellent at. 1843 01:20:34,568 --> 01:20:36,092 They're excellent in pop songs. 1844 01:20:36,135 --> 01:20:37,702 But I also like them because I, too, 1845 01:20:37,745 --> 01:20:39,269 like to dance in my knickers 1846 01:20:39,312 --> 01:20:42,838 and that feels like a lot of their job as well. 1847 01:20:42,881 --> 01:20:44,840 Now the song that came on was very good, 1848 01:20:44,883 --> 01:20:47,277 but it was very breathy. All of the lyrics were very breathy. 1849 01:20:47,320 --> 01:20:49,453 Everything they sang started with a [deep breath] 1850 01:20:49,496 --> 01:20:52,064 and ended with a [deep breath] It's very odd. 1851 01:20:52,108 --> 01:20:54,458 I used to produce audiobooks for a livin'. 1852 01:20:54,501 --> 01:20:56,373 That's the sort of thing we would have cut out in an edit 1853 01:20:56,416 --> 01:20:58,157 'cause it just sounds weird. 1854 01:20:58,201 --> 01:20:59,419 But this was through the whole song. 1855 01:20:59,463 --> 01:21:01,030 It was clearly intentional. 1856 01:21:01,073 --> 01:21:02,292 And I thought, you know, maybe this is just 1857 01:21:02,335 --> 01:21:03,684 what sexy is these days. 1858 01:21:03,728 --> 01:21:05,643 I'm in my 40s. How the fuck would I know? 1859 01:21:05,686 --> 01:21:07,123 So I kind of forgot about it. 1860 01:21:07,166 --> 01:21:09,473 And a few days later, I was sitting at home on my own. 1861 01:21:09,516 --> 01:21:11,083 I was watching the telly. It was about midnight. 1862 01:21:11,127 --> 01:21:13,433 My husband was workin' away and he rang me. 1863 01:21:13,477 --> 01:21:15,914 And in that split second it took me to answer the call, 1864 01:21:15,958 --> 01:21:19,265 I thought, "I'm gonna see if this works." 1865 01:21:19,309 --> 01:21:20,571 So I answered the phone and I said, 1866 01:21:20,614 --> 01:21:21,877 "How's your day been, love?" 1867 01:21:21,920 --> 01:21:24,836 [breathing sharply] 1868 01:21:28,709 --> 01:21:30,624 And there's a little pause and my husband said, 1869 01:21:30,668 --> 01:21:32,235 "Are you in the bedroom?" And I thought, "Oh, my God, 1870 01:21:32,278 --> 01:21:34,977 it's working, it's working." 1871 01:21:35,020 --> 01:21:36,761 I said, "What made you say that, love?" 1872 01:21:36,804 --> 01:21:39,111 [breathing sharply] 1873 01:21:40,983 --> 01:21:44,421 He said, "'Cause you sound like you've just gone up the stairs." 1874 01:21:44,464 --> 01:21:46,336 You've been so lovely. Thank you very much 1875 01:21:46,379 --> 01:21:47,728 for coming out. Goodnight. 1876 01:21:47,772 --> 01:21:50,079 [audience cheering] 1877 01:22:06,704 --> 01:22:09,620 [instrumental music] 144801

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