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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 _ 2 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,360 [ANNOUNCER]: Please welcome to the stage, Sarah Millican! 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 _ 4 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:11,720 [AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS] 5 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,160 Thank you very much. 6 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:22,480 Ah... 7 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,600 So great to see you all, thank you. 8 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,040 [SHE LAUGHS] 9 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:30,880 Thank you very much. 10 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,960 How the fuck are you? Are you well? 11 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,480 [AUDIENCE]: Yes. 12 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,160 Give me a cheer if you're on the top level? 13 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,760 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 14 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:40,240 That's pretty good. Middle level? 15 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:41,400 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 16 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:42,560 Downstairs. 17 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,560 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 18 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,880 We're all here. Let's get fucking cracking. 19 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,760 I always like to start every show but letting you know 20 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,760 what time we'll finish. 21 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,880 I don't know if you're like me 22 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,560 I suspect some of you are 23 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,480 but every time I go anywhere 24 00:00:58,640 --> 00:00:59,920 or do anything 25 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,240 I want to know, "What time will it end?" 26 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,000 I'm always planning on having a lovely time 27 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,520 but I also want to know what time 28 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,000 I can take my fucking bra off. 29 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:14,800 So we'll finish probably about 10:30 30 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,960 have your bra off by what? 10:35? 31 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,880 Is that alright? Yes. 32 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,680 Just to clarify, I do not mind if you take your bra off 33 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,080 during the show. 34 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,640 As far as I'm concerned, it's just more clapping for me. 35 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,800 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 36 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,000 [SARAH GIGGLES] 37 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:33,680 Go on. 38 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,880 Quite a lot of you have started early! 39 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,479 Thank you very much for the clapping and cheering 40 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,600 when I came out, much appreciated. I love that. 41 00:01:41,759 --> 00:01:43,960 I need that. I'm so fucking needy. 42 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:45,640 Also, there was a bit of wooing. 43 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,520 I love the wooing, it's a certain kind of person 44 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,320 when lights go out, they just can't fucking help themselves. 45 00:01:50,479 --> 00:01:52,360 "Woo, something's happening!" 46 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,200 Which is lovely for me, but what I want to know is 47 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,120 how do those people go to bed? 48 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,680 Do you think they turn their bedside lamp off 49 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,080 and they're like, "Ooh, something's happening!" 50 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,360 And their partner's like, "It's Monday night. 51 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,240 Nothing's fucking happening!" 52 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,039 [SARAH GIGGLES] 53 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:11,800 I, uh... Are we drinking tonight? 54 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,080 Are you drinking? 55 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,360 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] - Some of you are. 56 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:15,800 Some of you aren't. Fair enough. 57 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,400 I've got a friend who drinks quite a lot. 58 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,720 That already sounds quite judgy, doesn't it? 59 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,600 I don't mean it to. She's one of those people... 60 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,320 You know those people who say things like 61 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,760 "It's seven o'clock somewhere". You know those people? 62 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,560 And I have to go, "Yeah, Brenda 63 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,720 but it's still fucking noon here". 64 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,760 Problem is I can't be so judgy with her anymore 65 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,480 cos I'm the same with cake. 66 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:36,920 Whenever I have a slice of cake 67 00:02:37,079 --> 00:02:39,320 I always think, "Well, it's somebody's birthday". 68 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 69 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,920 And it is always somebody's birthday. 70 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,960 Only the other day I had a slice of lemon drizzle cake and I sang 71 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,200 ♪ Happy Birthday, dear Enya ♪ 72 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,480 You're very lucky, though. 73 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,200 A few months ago I was in Worthing on the south coast 74 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,240 and I had to sing ♪ Happy Birthday... ♪ 75 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,880 ♪ ...Myra Hindley ♪ 76 00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,200 Oooh! 77 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,720 She was the only famous person who had a birthday that day. 78 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,160 Shit! 79 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,960 So, to avoid that, I'm now on a mailing list. 80 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,640 I get an email every day, letting me know 81 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,440 which famous birthdays are happening that day. 82 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:10,960 When it first came through, I scrolled back 83 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,720 to the end of May when it's my birthday. 84 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,360 I thought, I'll have a look, see if I'm on the list. 85 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,120 I'm not on the list! 86 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,240 I'm not famous enough to be on the list. Cheeky fuckers! 87 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,320 I mean, Enya, fair enough 88 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,480 but put me ahead of Myra fucking Hindley! 89 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:23,800 Jesus Christ! 90 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,560 Well, the venue asked me to read something aloud to you 91 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,280 at the very start of the show, and I totally forgot 92 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:30,920 so let's do that now. Obviously, we live 93 00:03:31,079 --> 00:03:33,000 in a slightly different world now, as we all know 94 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,760 so let's just read this, get it out of the way 95 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,720 and then we can crack on with the jokes. 96 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:38,320 So, this is from the venue. 97 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,240 "Warning... 98 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,280 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 99 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,560 ...this show contains moderate swearing 100 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:48,200 sexual references and some upsetting scenes". 101 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,360 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] - [SARAH CHUCKLES] 102 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,160 That's a great response. 103 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,560 "That's why we came". 104 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:04,800 I've noticed fairly recently that some compliments are shit. 105 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,280 So, compliments are supposed to make you feel nice, right? 106 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:08,960 Some of them start really well 107 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,080 and then partway through, they just fucking turn on you. 108 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:12,600 I'll give you an example. 109 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,280 A friend of mine said, "I like your hair..." 110 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,120 and I was all ready to say, "Oh, thanks very much!" 111 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:17,399 And she said, "...like that". 112 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,000 What the fuck does that bit mean? 113 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,600 So you thought it looked shit yesterday, bitch 114 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,280 is that what you're saying? 115 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,560 All I'm suggesting is that we start shortening 116 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,080 our compliments. 117 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:28,520 Next time you're paying somebody compliment 118 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,120 if partway through they're smiling 119 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,760 back the fuck away, you've done your job. 120 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,480 I'll give you two examples. You could say 121 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,200 "You look great..." 122 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,200 and don't bother adding on the end, "...for your age". 123 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,640 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 124 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,560 Or you could say, "That feels amazing..." 125 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,200 and don't bother adding on the end 126 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:44,960 "...considering the lack of girth". 127 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,200 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS] 128 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,400 [THEY CHEER] 129 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,120 It's one of the reasons I named my show "Bobby Dazzler". 130 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:56,600 I should explain, though. 131 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,360 When I first named my show "Bobby Dazzler" 132 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:02,400 I genuinely thought it was a universally understood term. 133 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,560 It is fucking not. 134 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,240 I did a show in Iceland. 135 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,320 In Iceland! Yes, the country. 136 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,760 Who said that, "the country?" 137 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,720 Yes, the fucking country! 138 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,320 Didn't even shout it out, just whispered into your friend 139 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,040 "The country?" Yes, the fucking country! 140 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,280 "No, she did two nights in Dartford 141 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,200 and then just a freezer shop the next day. 142 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,600 It was really weird". 143 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,440 Did a show in Reykjavik in Iceland 144 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,200 and 100% of the audience thought "Bobby Dazzler" was 145 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,400 the name of my support act. 146 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,280 And when I brought somebody else out 147 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,680 they were all like, "Oh, Bobby must have Covid!" 148 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,880 Well, if you don't know the term "Bobby Dazzler" 149 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,800 it's a really pure compliment. It's lovely. 150 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,440 If somebody calls you one, it just means 151 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,880 you look excellent, or you are excellent. That's it. 152 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,920 Also, I don't think there are many compliments 153 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,480 that can equally describe a child in new wellies... 154 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,440 "Who's a Bobby Dazzler?" 155 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,720 ...and a brand new erection. 156 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,000 "Now, that is a Bobby Dazzler". 157 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,840 Boi-oi-oi-oing. 158 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,240 Boi-oi-oi-oing. 159 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:12,600 Wah, wah, wah. 160 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,680 Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. 161 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:17,960 [AUDIENCE ERUPTS] 162 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,600 Some of you might have noticed I've got new glasses. 163 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,400 I went to the optician. 164 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,000 I went into the little room with the lady on the computer. 165 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:31,520 She brought my record up on the screen, and she said 166 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:32,960 "Can I ask you a question?" 167 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:34,680 I said, "Yes, of course". She said... 168 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,680 "Have you been going somewhere else?" 169 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,280 And I thought, I've never been accused 170 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,520 of cheating on me optician before. 171 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,400 I said, "No, why?" 172 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:45,680 She said, "You haven't had your eyes tested since 2012". 173 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:46,960 It's quite a long time ago. 174 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:48,560 Which surprised me. 175 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:49,960 I've been wearing glasses since I was six years old. 176 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,680 Give me a "woo" if you also wear glasses? 177 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,520 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! - Loads of you. 178 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,159 Maybe some of you are like me. 179 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,440 I normally love an eye test cos to me it's a fun quiz 180 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,320 and then I can see again, like, what's not to like? 181 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,560 But I always forget the bit they do at the beginning. 182 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,320 The sort of health check that they do now 183 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,800 where they kind of blow on your eyes. 184 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,040 Well, it's the machine. It's not the lady, is it? 185 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,760 That'd be creepy as fuck if she just lent in and went... 186 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,520 [SHE BLOWS] 187 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,680 She said, "Good news, your eyes are in perfect health". 188 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,400 I said, "Good. I'm glad something is 189 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,440 cos I'm 47 and things are starting to sort of hang 190 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,560 and unravel and dribble a bit". 191 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,840 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 192 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,560 It's one of the reasons I've got leggings on tonight. 193 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,000 Very absorbent. 194 00:07:37,159 --> 00:07:38,400 My advice to the front row is 195 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,159 just breathe with your mouths tonight. 196 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:41,680 That's my advice. 197 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,560 No sniffy-sniffy. All mouthy-mouthy. 198 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,800 Then we got on to the actual eye test itself. 199 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,440 She did the bit where they say, "Is it clearer now? 200 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:51,680 And now? 201 00:07:52,159 --> 00:07:53,040 And now? 202 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,320 And now?" 203 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,880 I don't think they tell them at optician school 204 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,200 that like 90% of their future job 205 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,800 is going to be finding fancier ways of saying 206 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,120 "And now". 207 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:04,680 [MYSTERIOUSLY]: And now. 208 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:05,920 [VERY QUICKLY]: I now. 209 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,960 [GASPING]: And... Oh! Oh! Now! 210 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,160 Too far! That one's too far. 211 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,400 Then she did the bit with the circles. 212 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:14,880 Remember this bit? Where they say 213 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,120 the circle's darker on the red or on the green? 214 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,800 Or on the green or on the red? 215 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,720 Then she said, "I want you to read that bottom line". 216 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,320 I said, "Not a problem". I looked at it. 217 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:22,720 It was very small. 218 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,280 I said it might be a bit of guesswork. 219 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:26,480 She said, "That's alright, just try your best". 220 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,200 So I studied it and I went... 221 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,360 "J"? 222 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,320 And then I looked at her face to see if I was nailing it 223 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:33,679 cos you do that, don't you? 224 00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:35,400 She was very professional. I could not tell. 225 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:36,799 I went back to a "J" 226 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,840 and then I went, "B" 227 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:40,679 and she said, "Can I just stop you there? 228 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,039 They're numbers". 229 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,360 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 230 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,440 But I explained to her that my husband was 231 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:49,760 also in having an eye test. 232 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,160 He'd gone in five minutes ahead of me 233 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,640 with a different optician, obviously. 234 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,320 I said, "I think he's probably done by now". 235 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,760 She said, "Oh, he's definitely done by now". 236 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,600 I said, "Why did you say it like that?" 237 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:03,200 She said, "We've been in here a really long time". 238 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 239 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:06,960 I said, "Why?" 240 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:08,360 She said, "Well, if you came a bit more often 241 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,400 I wouldn't have so much to tell you". 242 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,160 Alright, arsey cow. 243 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,200 So, I came out and my husband was there 244 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,000 waiting for ages. Sure enough, all done 245 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,640 and we worked out it was eight years 246 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,400 since his last appointment and nine for me 247 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,080 so he wasn't much better than I was. 248 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,560 I said, "What did they say about your eyes? 249 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,280 What was the verdict?" 250 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:25,920 He said, "Oh, they said they're pretty much the same. 251 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,520 In fact, if anything, they might be a bit better". 252 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,880 Fucking better? Fucking better! 253 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,640 Whose eyes improve with age? 254 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,960 It's not fucking Wolverine. 255 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,880 But this is exactly the same when we go to the dentist 256 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,320 cos he's got really good teeth. 257 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,640 Never needs anything doing. 258 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,280 Sometimes they do a scrape and polish 259 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,640 so he can feel like he's joining in on the experience. 260 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,000 I have terrible teeth. 261 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,480 Whenever I go to the dentist, I ask 262 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,280 "How many fillings do I need?" 263 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,680 Cos it's always at least one. 264 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,840 I have, and I don't think this is common 265 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,560 a loyalty card at the dentist. 266 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,400 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 267 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,320 I can tell from your response it's not common at all, is it? 268 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,720 It's a little bit of cardboard. It's got all my teeth drawn on. 269 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,520 Every time I get a filling, they colour another one in. 270 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,800 And when it's full, I get diabetes. 271 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,440 The last time my husband had a scrape and polish 272 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:16,640 he went to pay afterwards 273 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,000 and the lady said, "No, no... 274 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,400 you can have this one free of charge 275 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,840 because your wife is such a good customer". 276 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:27,160 His eyes are improving, his teeth are always fine. 277 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,440 I've got a horrible feeling that we're turning 278 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,120 into Richard and Judy. 279 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,040 It's harsh, but you know what I mean, don't you? 280 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,240 I don't think Judy Finnigan is ageing badly. 281 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,720 I think she's ageing normally. 282 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,120 He, I think, is drinking the blood of a virgin. 283 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:42,680 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 284 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,440 The reason she looks like she does 285 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,520 is because she's got to deal with his shit every fucking day. 286 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,520 Every time he opens his mouth to talk 287 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,720 we all cringe, don't we? What's he going to say? 288 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,960 She's just glad he's not going down on her. 289 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,120 [SARAH CHUCKLES] 290 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,040 There's an image for you all to take home. 291 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,200 You're welcome. 292 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,240 But my husband said, "That's what they said about my eyes. 293 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,800 What did they say about your eyes?" 294 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,600 I said, "Oh, I need different pairs of glasses 295 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,360 for so many different things. 296 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,560 I've got drivers. I've got readers. 297 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,360 These are the ones I have to wear if I want to eat a Twix. 298 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,200 These are the ones I wear for meeting a friend 299 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,640 but if I see her ahead of time 300 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,360 or I give a little wave across the street 301 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,560 it's different fucking glasses! 302 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,600 So I'm gonna have so many chains around my neck 303 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,680 I'm going to look like Mr. fucking T". 304 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,280 Give me a "woo" if you came here tonight with a family member? 305 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,200 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! 306 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,320 And if you came with a friend? 307 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,600 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! 308 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,440 There's not as many with friends 309 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,440 but you're more enthusiastic, that's interesting, isn't it? 310 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:40,880 The people who came with a friend 311 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,080 is anybody in a really long friendship? 312 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,640 Give me a wave if you are. 313 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,000 We've got people here. Oh, right at the front. 314 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,640 How long have you two been friends? 315 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,400 [WOMAN]: 15 years. - 15 years? Thank you for that. 316 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,280 There was a lady the other day, shouted out "45 years". 317 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,240 I said, "Wow, where did you meet?" 318 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:54,160 And she went... 319 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,520 "At birth." 320 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:56,840 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 321 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,840 I said, "It's not your fucking mam, is it? 322 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,040 I hate people who are like that. 323 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,480 [IN A SOPPY VOICE]: "My mam's my best friend". 324 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,760 [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Yeah, you're not hers. 325 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,400 She wants you to move out. 326 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,000 But well done to all of the long friendships in the room. 327 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,320 I'm very impressed by you. 328 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:17,960 I'm also a little bit jealous of you. 329 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,360 I have friends from comedy 330 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,640 friends from other jobs that I've had. 331 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,440 I don't have any friends from school. 332 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,480 You wouldn't think you'd know why, but I know exactly why. 333 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,680 When I was a kid and my birthday rolled around 334 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,120 my mam would say, "Would you like a party?" 335 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:30,800 You have to remember that kids' parties 336 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,000 when I was a child, very different to kids' parties now. 337 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,640 For example, I have a friend 338 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,520 who has an eight-year-old daughter. 339 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:37,880 For her last birthday party 340 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,320 they hired somebody to do manicures 341 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,560 and also a hot tub. 342 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,280 I said, "What the fuck are you doing? 343 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,000 You're not Kardashians". 344 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,840 But if you've got little ones now 345 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,480 maybe this is the kind of elaborate party 346 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,200 that you have to put on. Maybe hire a venue 347 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:52,720 maybe somebody does the catering. 348 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,640 Maybe a man you don't know comes in in a weird outfit 349 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,720 and plays with your children for money. 350 00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,800 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 351 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,320 You can call him a clown if you like 352 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,400 but my description is still valid. 353 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,000 "Come on in, kids. 354 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,320 Paedo the clown has arrived! 355 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,240 We're pretty sure he's alright 356 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,120 but don't sniff his flower, just in case". 357 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,080 At least you'd know if he was getting 358 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,480 any of the kids to touch him 359 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:19,800 in a wrong area, cos it makes this sound... 360 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,440 [CLOWN HORN SOUND] 361 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,200 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS] 362 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,120 I fully expect at some point on this tour 363 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,160 to start getting really angry emails from clowns... 364 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,800 which I will then forward onto the police. 365 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,040 "Found another one for you, you're welcome!" 366 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,880 I did a show in Antwerp a while back 367 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,360 in Antwerp in Belgium 368 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,160 and just after I honked, a man on the front row 369 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,280 really quiet, really sinister-looking, just went... 370 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:49,920 [IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Do it again". 371 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,040 Ehhh. 372 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,400 So, for him and for you. 373 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,040 [CLOWN HORN SOUND] 374 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,800 [SHE GIGGLES] 375 00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,480 This is not the kind of party that was on offer 376 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,840 to me, though, when I was a child. 377 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,440 Let's gauge your age in the room. 378 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,440 Give me a "woo" if you're under 40. 379 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,920 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! 380 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,040 40 and above? 381 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,680 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! 382 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,640 There's a lot more of us. We can take them, can't we? 383 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,200 The kind of party that was on offer to me 384 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,800 in the '70s and the '80s would be this... 385 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,720 Six friends, maximum. 386 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,960 That's the sort of amount I would've struggled 387 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:21,440 to fill at that age. 388 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:22,840 Somebody would've had to bring their cousin 389 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,440 just to make up the numbers. 390 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,200 In your house, wasn't it always in your house? 391 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,440 And your mam, or a mam, someone's mam... 392 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,160 would prepare the food. 393 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,280 And by that, I mean they would cut it all into cubes. 394 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,760 So it could take part in the hedgehog. 395 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,800 Anything that wasn't cut into cubes was cut on an angle 396 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,280 so you know you're at a party. 397 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:43,800 That's how you know. 398 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,200 Don't know if you know, but this works 399 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,520 as an adult as well. 400 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:47,600 If you're ever at somebody's house 401 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:48,880 and you're like is it a party? 402 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,480 Is it not a party? Look at the food. 403 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,520 Is it cut on an angle? You're at a fucking party. 404 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,160 Are the biscuits fanned out on a plate? 405 00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:58,960 You're at a fucking party. 406 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,800 You don't do that for yourself, do you? 407 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,640 You don't sit down in front of Bake Off 408 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,120 with a packet of pink wafers and your best plate. 409 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,880 No, you put the full packet in, pull out the wrapper. 410 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS] 411 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,640 They'd also be party games. Wouldn't there be party games? 412 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,320 One of your toys would be wrapped up 413 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,560 several times and passed around 414 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,000 until some other fucker takes it home. 415 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,000 Someone would piss themselves, wouldn't they? Always. 416 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,080 Usually the same child at every party. 417 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,280 And you'd all go home with a little bag of crap. 418 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,600 That's a kids party, isn't it 419 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,520 in the '70s and '80s, right there? 420 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,000 The other option, if I didn't want a party, would be this. 421 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,760 So, I'm from a place called South Shields. 422 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,160 South Shields is near Newcastle 423 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:44,800 and in Newcastle is a department store 424 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,080 called Fenwick's, quite a fancy department store. 425 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,320 Now the option if I wanted to, instead of a party 426 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,320 to go to Fenwick's for the day with my mam, just the two of us. 427 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,520 We'd go to the restaurant, which was not fancy. 428 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,920 Any restaurant that starts with your own tray is not fancy. 429 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,280 And I could choose anything I liked off the menu 430 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,680 which every single time I went was always the same thing. 431 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,960 All I ever wanted was chips in a bowl. 432 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,280 That's all I ever wanted 433 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,000 because to me, the height of luxury 434 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,320 was being able to have nothing else with your chips 435 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:11,960 but other fucking chips. 436 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,520 Then we'd go to the toy department 437 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,120 I'll pick a toy and we'd go home. 438 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,360 Every single birthday I had as a child 439 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:19,800 was spent in Fenwick's. 440 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,000 I never said "yes" to a party. 441 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,080 I chose Fenwick's over friends... 442 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,080 some would say chips over friends. 443 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,480 Still sort of doing it now... 444 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,720 and I regret not a fucking thing. 445 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,320 But every time I was invited 446 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,800 to somebody else's birthday party as a kid 447 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,440 I always went. It's rude, really, isn't it 448 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,280 to go to others' parties, never have one of your own. 449 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,320 I'd go to the party, I'd eat the cubed food 450 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:42,720 I'd win a prize 451 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,080 piss myself... 452 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,080 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 453 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,120 ...and I'd go home with a little bag of crap 454 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,760 and an adult man's mobile number. 455 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,040 [CLOWN HORN SOUND] - No. 456 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,920 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 457 00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,400 Did anybody find in the last few of years 458 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,960 when we were dealing with all the Covid shite 459 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,480 anybody find that every now and again 460 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,760 they felt like they were going a little bit mad? 461 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,280 [AUDIENCE]: Yeah. - Yes? 462 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,280 So, "overwhelmed" is probably a better word. 463 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:08,800 I'd feel a bit overwhelmed 464 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,359 and I'd do a thing that I thought would help. 465 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:11,960 Let me tell you a few of the things I tried. 466 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:13,960 First thing I tried, I bought some seeds. 467 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:15,440 Do you remember there was a while back there 468 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,000 when food was so scarce, we all thought 469 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,319 we're going to have to grow it all ourselves? 470 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:20,520 I bought some seeds. 471 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,160 My friend quite rightly pointed out 472 00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:23,920 that seeds only really grow fruit and vegetables. 473 00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:26,280 I thought, "What fucking use is that to me?" 474 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,360 Where are the seeds for the Twixes and the toilet rolls 475 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,760 and the microwave dinners? That's what I need. 476 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,240 Does anybody want to hazard a guess 477 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,120 how many seeds I actually planted? 478 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,480 [AUDIENCE]: None. - None, thank you, None. 479 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,400 There was a man the other day, shouted out "two" 480 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,120 which has gotta be the weirdest suggestion of all. 481 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,040 Sounds like I just tripped when I got out the car 482 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,400 and a couple accidently landed in the ground. 483 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,880 Another thing I tried, I tried a bit of yoga. 484 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,080 Does anybody do yoga? 485 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,320 They even sound quite relaxed when answering the question 486 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,680 don't they? 487 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,680 [IN A CALM DEEP VOICE]: "Yes, I do yoga. 488 00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,640 I'm bendy as fuck". 489 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,480 [IN NORMAL VOICE]: I tried a bit of yoga. 490 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:02,960 Watched a lady on YouTube. 491 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,600 Had to turn the volume up really loud, though 492 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,440 cos I couldn't hear what she was telling me to do 493 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,920 over all of the clicking of my joints. 494 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,080 And initially I thought this is gonna be harder for me 495 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,200 because I'm fat and the woman in the video was wafer thin 496 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,080 and tiny. Is this gonna be harder for me? 497 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,000 And then after a while I realised, if anything 498 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,400 I had a slight unfair advantage. 499 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,720 For example, when she said, "Pull in your lower belly" 500 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,920 I thought, "I'm glad she knows I've got two". 501 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,160 I found a way to make planking a lot easier. 502 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,320 Do it naked, tits and belly hit the floor 503 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,960 a lot less to hold up. 504 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,160 And pretty much every time she said "chin to chest" 505 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,160 I was sort of already doing it. 506 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,960 How was that a fucking exercise? 507 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,240 That's how I read. 508 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,600 Another thing I tried... 509 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,000 Give me a "woo" if you've heard of the "Couch to 5K" app? 510 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,800 [AUDIENCE]: Whoo! - Quite a lot of you. 511 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,400 For those of you who haven't, let me tell you what it is. 512 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,360 It's an app to get you running, a BBC app. 513 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,160 The idea is you start as a beginner 514 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,000 and by the end, you should be able to run five kilometres 515 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:13,920 and the whole way through, you have somebody in your ear 516 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,000 talking you through it, telling you when to run, when to walk 517 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,040 offering you kind of support and encouragement. 518 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,640 And of those people... 519 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,360 there's quite a few people you can choose from... 520 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,160 one of them is Olympic gold medallist Michael Johnson. 521 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,240 And another one is me. How the fuck did that happen? 522 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,040 When I was first asked to do it a long time ago now 523 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,320 they were very nice to me, they said 524 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,800 "You've got a really friendly voice. 525 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,440 We thought you'd be great for this". 526 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,440 That's what they said. What I think they meant was 527 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,400 "You look like people who don't run". 528 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,440 When I recorded it, I said, "Can I mix it up? 529 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,480 Can I change it round? Can I put my own words in?" 530 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,800 And they said, "No, no, it's BBC, it's health. 531 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,720 It's very important you just stick with what's written". 532 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,000 All I was allowed to do was 533 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:53,520 put in some "Well done, flowers" 534 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,280 and "Well done, pets". That's all I was allowed. 535 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,160 All I really wanted to do, on the bit where it says 536 00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,760 "And now have a snack such as a banana" 537 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,880 really quietly underneath, I just wanted to go... 538 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,360 [IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Muffin". 539 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 540 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,160 So that you knew it was definitely me 541 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,160 and in case you were worried, I was safe. 542 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,520 It's good to know that. It's good to know. 543 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,800 But pretty much every day, somebody on social media 544 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,480 would send me a message saying they've started it 545 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,480 or they finished it, or they're in the middle of it 546 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:21,800 and they never thought they could run 547 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,240 and now they can run and they love it. 548 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,880 And on one of my overwhelmed days 549 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,120 I thought, if it's working for all of those people 550 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,640 maybe I should be giving it a go. 551 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,160 And then I thought, should I use... 552 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,720 my own voice? 553 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,760 I couldn't work out if I'd find it inspirational 554 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,040 or really fucking irritating. 555 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,840 And the truth is, both. 556 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,200 Some days it would say things like, "You're doing really well. 557 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,560 I'm really proud of you" and I'd be like 558 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:45,960 "I am doing really well. 559 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,840 Thanks for being proud of me, past me 560 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,760 sitting on a sofa eating a fucking biscuit". 561 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,400 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 562 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,160 Then other days it would say, "Well, if that went well 563 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,840 why don't you run a bit faster?" 564 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,320 And I would say, "Why don't you fuck the fuck off"? 565 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,400 My husband said, "Isn't it hard?" 566 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,400 He prefers to do weights, doesn't like to run. 567 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:07,840 He said, "Isn't it hard?" 568 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,400 Cos I did do it. I completed the whole thing 569 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,280 and I used my own voice like an absolute bellend. 570 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:14,800 I said, "Of course it's hard. It's running". 571 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,320 I said, "Haven't we all done loads of hard things 572 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,760 over the last few years, we never thought 573 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,600 we'd have to do?" 574 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,040 And I came up with something that sounds like a catchphrase. 575 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,560 I dunno where it came from but I like it 576 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:23,600 and I'm keeping it. 577 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,080 I said, "Of course it's hard 578 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,200 because if it was easy, it'd be biscuits". 579 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,160 I don't know where that came from. 580 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,080 I think I might've read it on a t-shirt. 581 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:32,480 But I would like to talk to you guys 582 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,240 to see if anybody in this beautiful room 583 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,880 of glorious people would like to shout out something that you did 584 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,120 in what I'm calling "a moment of madness" 585 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:40,600 in the last few years. 586 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:41,760 We'll section you off, make it slightly easier. 587 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,120 Let me give you an example. 588 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,600 There was a man a few months ago... 589 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:45,960 I said, "What did you do in a moment of madness 590 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:47,160 in the last few years?" 591 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,960 He said he bought a butter churn... 592 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:50,720 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 593 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,560 ...and I love the sheer panic he clearly had. 594 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,680 "What if we're run out of butter?" 595 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,000 I asked him how many times he'd used it. 596 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,520 He said, "Just the once" 597 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,680 cos it turns out it makes a fuck-load of butter. 598 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:04,480 I think the easiest way to talk to you guys 599 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,400 is in the sections you're sort of already in. 600 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:07,960 So we'll start at the top and work our way 601 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,080 down the room. So, that lovely upstairs section. 602 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,800 Anybody in that upstairs section want to shout out 603 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,280 something you did? 604 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:14,720 A moment of madness in the last few years. 605 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,200 Anybody want to start us off? 606 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:17,440 [WOMAN]: Had a baby! - [WOMAN 2]: Got engaged! 607 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:18,800 OK, we'll come back to this one. 608 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,280 [MAN]: Bought a lightsaber! 609 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,080 Hold, well, there's so much to talk about! 610 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,000 Quite a lot to unpack. 611 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,400 Lady over here, shout out again. 612 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,240 [WOMAN]: I had a baby. - You had a baby? 613 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:31,640 Is it your first baby? 614 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:32,720 Yeah. - [SARAH]: Yeah? 615 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,360 Is it also your last baby? 616 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:35,960 Yes! Oh, God! 617 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - What was that? 618 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,160 Somebody else answered! 619 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:45,400 That's my aunt! 620 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,520 [SARAH]: It's who? - My aunt. 621 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,200 Your aunt. Does your aunt do a lot of babysitting 622 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:52,240 by any chance? 623 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,400 She does indeed, she lives up the road. 624 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:57,840 She lives up the road. 625 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,400 Who moved into the street first, though? 626 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:01,720 I did. 627 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,560 She's proper arsey, isn't she? I love it. 628 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,640 And then she was like, "I'm pregnant. 629 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,040 I'm gonna move in near my aunt". 630 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:12,680 This is genius. 631 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,080 What did you have, a girl or a boy? 632 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:15,920 Baby boy. 633 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,080 Baby boy. Never mind, you can try again for the proper ones. 634 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,240 No, it's fine. Girls are better. It's just a fact. 635 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,640 Did you have your baby during the time 636 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,840 when it was really scary in the hospitals, my love? 637 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,000 It's always scary having a baby! 638 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:29,760 Is it? 639 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,640 I've had some terrifying shits in my time. 640 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,480 I really have. 641 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:46,040 I had one once, while we're sharing... 642 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,960 where it felt like it was kind of like giving birth 643 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,760 because there was a really wide bit of it 644 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,840 and I was like, "Oh, I got the shoulders past 645 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,120 we're alright". 646 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,600 But I appreciate it is always scary. 647 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:05,920 Round of applause for the lady with the new baby. 648 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:07,080 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 649 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:09,320 Lovely. 650 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,040 We had somebody else over this side, shout out again. 651 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,400 [WOMAN 2]: Got engaged. 652 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:15,360 How long had you been with your partner 653 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:16,760 before the proposal? 654 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:17,960 Uh, four years. 655 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:19,600 [SARAH]: Four years? - Yeah. 656 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,680 One woman went, "Oh, yeah". 657 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 658 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,120 The rest of you are like, "Seems fair enough". 659 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,040 Just one woman, really spoke for the group, didn't she? 660 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:29,840 "Yeah, that's reasonable." 661 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,520 And who proposed to who? 662 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:34,080 He proposed to me. 663 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,480 [SARAH]: Is this him beside you there? 664 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,200 Yeah... no... 665 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:39,560 Hold on, did you say yes 666 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,560 look at him and then say no? 667 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,200 Is that what happened there? 668 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:44,160 Yes. 669 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:45,320 Oh, no. 670 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,560 Who is this beside you? 671 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:54,600 Jason. 672 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:55,800 Jason. 673 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:57,960 Who is he to you? 674 00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,080 Fiancé. 675 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:00,640 Oh, you are, so it is you! 676 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,120 I thought she said no! 677 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:03,200 Mm... no. 678 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,160 So, Jason, you proposed to your good lady. 679 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,600 Was it a very romantic proposal, my love? 680 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,200 Uh, yeah. 681 00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:12,840 No, actually! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 682 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:14,320 Yeah... 683 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:15,600 And she went, "No!" 684 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,640 Can you tell me where it happened? 685 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:19,720 What happened? 686 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,240 I slapped him round the face. 687 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,440 You slapped him round the face? 688 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,280 Before or after the proposal? 689 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:27,760 Is that what inspired it? 690 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,840 Is he into that sort of dirty shit, is he? 691 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,280 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 692 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,040 Just a really good crack and he was like... 693 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:37,680 [IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Fucking hell, marry me... 694 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,240 That was amazing". 695 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,720 "Now do me ball bag, oh..." 696 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,400 [SARAH CHUCKLES] 697 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:53,400 He's nodding. 698 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:54,960 He's not, I'm just taking the piss. 699 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,800 And have you got kids, have you got animals? 700 00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,200 What's the situation at home? 701 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,440 We've got kids but not with each other. 702 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,200 Oh, OK, hm... 703 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,480 Kids but not with each other. 704 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,640 Well, not if you keep slapping his ball bag! 705 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:12,400 Got no fucking chance, has he? 706 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,640 Just be empty and dry in there. 707 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,800 Round of applause for the happy couple! 708 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:25,760 And we had somebody else upstairs. 709 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:27,120 Do you want to shout out again? 710 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,600 [MAN]: Uh, a lightsaber. 711 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,040 It was a nerd or impulse buy. 712 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,240 A nerd impulse buy? 713 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,280 You've got your reasons already ready, haven't you? 714 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:37,440 Just... 715 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:39,560 Why don't you think? 716 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,120 Do you think I would think it was a bad thing? 717 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:42,520 It sounds fucking awesome! 718 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,680 Now, it's not a real one, though. 719 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,560 No, no. - No, so what... 720 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:49,320 What happens when you press... 721 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,000 It can't shoot out. 722 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:52,800 But what... stop it! 723 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,080 Somebody's laughing over there, behind there. 724 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,840 It's, uh, it's 3D printed. 725 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,040 It's 3D printed! 726 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:03,800 No offence, mate, but it sounds shit. 727 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,720 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 728 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:08,640 Does it turn on, then? I don't really understand 729 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,800 anything about 3D printers. Does it turn on? 730 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,200 It's more of a display piece. 731 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,280 Oh, a display piece! 732 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,000 We're picturing your flat now, aren't we? 733 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:22,680 Have you got anything else on display? 734 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,080 Um, I dunno, ask her. [HE LAUGHS] 735 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:27,680 Ask her? 736 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,880 I mean, we're all surprised you've got a girlfriend. 737 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,800 Actually, I can't see, it might be his mam. 738 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,080 That would make more sense, wouldn't it? 739 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:43,800 [SARAH CHUCKLES] 740 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,760 I love that you bought yourself a lightsaber. 741 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,280 Well fucking done. 742 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,880 Round of applause for the Star Warsfan. 743 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:53,720 Good work, upstairs. 744 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,280 Middle section, anybody want to shout out 745 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:56,680 something you did in a moment of madness? 746 00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:57,960 [MAN]: Got a hot tub! 747 00:27:58,120 --> 00:27:59,480 [SARAH]: Oh, said with confidence. 748 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:00,520 Couple of people upstairs, all of a sudden... 749 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,120 ba-baba-ba-baaa! 750 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,360 There was somebody over here, shout it again. 751 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:05,400 [MAN]: Got a hot tub. 752 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:06,680 You got a hot tub? 753 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,000 [MAN]: Yeah. - Yeah? Did you? 754 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,240 So, how many people does it sit? 755 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:11,760 [MAN]: Four. 756 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,440 Four. You know that, don't you as well? 757 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:14,640 You've had... 758 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,440 [IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Friends round". 759 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,040 Oh, no, just the neighbours. 760 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,360 I got it from Lidl and I only went in for milk. 761 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,160 [SHE LAUGHS] 762 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,840 He got it from Lidl, and you only went in for milk! 763 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:33,800 That's incredible. 764 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,360 You should be on the advert for Lidl! 765 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:38,920 "Come in for milk, go home 766 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,760 with you know, somewhere to have sex 767 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,400 with your neighbours". 768 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,120 Is this your partner? 769 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:46,800 Single! - [SARAH]: You're single? 770 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,560 He's definitely had people in that hot tub, hasn't he? 771 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,440 Do you just sometimes sit in it on your own? 772 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:57,560 D'you know, all my friends get in it and I don't. 773 00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:58,920 Mmm... 774 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:02,720 We don't believe him, do we? No. 775 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:04,320 I've got a question for you. 776 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:07,160 I genuinely don't know the answer to this, um... 777 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:11,680 In a hot tub... 778 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:13,440 Maybe everybody else can answer, I suspect you know 779 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,000 but maybe other people know as well... 780 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:18,640 In a hot tub, does jizz like mix in? 781 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,080 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 782 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:21,920 I don't know. 783 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:26,600 Does it mix in or does it go like stringy like goldfish poos? 784 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:29,000 You know, like... 785 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:31,280 go in with a little... like a tiddly net 786 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,160 and just try and catch it. 787 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,160 Yeah, tell me. 788 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,360 As you would say, it gets claggy. 789 00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:43,240 It gets... [SHE LAUGHS] 790 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,080 It gets claggy. 791 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:48,880 I love that you know 792 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:51,040 and you're acknowledging that you know. 793 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,640 Well, I hope you meet somebody very soon 794 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:55,200 you can sit in your hot tub with. 795 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:56,920 Round of applause for the lovely fella. 796 00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:57,960 [AUDIENCE CLAPS] 797 00:29:58,120 --> 00:29:59,280 [SARAH]: Thank you. 798 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:03,560 Anybody else in the middle section 799 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:05,520 shout out something you did in a moment of madness? 800 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:06,640 [MAN 2]: Hello, Sarah. 801 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:07,720 Hello. 802 00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,560 Are we just having a chat or have you got an answer 803 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:12,400 to the fucking question, flower? 804 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:14,920 No, no, every day during lockdown 805 00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,360 I tried to have a two-pound poo. 806 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 807 00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:24,240 Every day, during lockdown 808 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,120 you tried to have a two-pound poo! 809 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,720 What I want to know is, who was paying you, flower? 810 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:33,760 Are you weighing them? Are you photographing them? 811 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:35,680 No, I just stand there naked 812 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:38,320 weigh myself, sh-- - [SARAH]: Oh, no, no. 813 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,040 You really mean it! 814 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:45,000 You understand, you all got that, didn't you from him? 815 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,520 That he would way himself naked 816 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:49,280 do a shit... 817 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,400 weigh himself naked again... 818 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,880 Did you have a chart on the kitchen wall? 819 00:30:57,560 --> 00:30:59,840 Get a little star, a little brown star? 820 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:01,360 Was it a brown star? 821 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,000 Brown star stickers are quite hard to come by. 822 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:10,120 Is your wife beside you? Who looks appalled? 823 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:13,760 She was very interested. 824 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:15,120 [SARAH]: Say that again. 825 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,040 This is Ruth, she loved me telling her every morning 826 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:19,560 that I failed. 827 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,360 You can't all see her, but she's like this. 828 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,160 I managed it two weeks ago. 829 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:28,880 You married her two weeks ago? 830 00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,040 No, I managed a two-pound poo! 831 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:32,720 Oh, you managed a two-pound... 832 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:34,760 [THEY ALL LAUGH] 833 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,240 [MEN CHEER] 834 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:41,160 Two people cheered and they were definitely men! 835 00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:43,080 They were like... 836 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:44,040 [IN A LOW VOICE]: Got a new project. 837 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:45,080 I've got a new project. 838 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:47,880 Well, I'm very proud of you. 839 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:49,840 Congratulations on your new hobby, flower. 840 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:51,160 Round of applause... 841 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:53,640 for the poo winner. 842 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,320 [SARAH CHUCKLES] 843 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:57,120 Thank you. 844 00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:58,560 Anybody downstairs want to shout out something you did 845 00:31:58,720 --> 00:31:59,640 in a moment of madness? 846 00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:00,960 [WOMAN]: I left my husband. 847 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,200 You left your husband? 848 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:05,160 [WOMEN CHEER] 849 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:09,840 How long had you been married, my lovely? 850 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,560 Twenty-five years. - [AUDIENCE]: Oooh. 851 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:12,880 Twenty... oh! 852 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,000 It's gone a bit panto in here, hasn't it? 853 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,800 Oooooh! 854 00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,200 Twenty-five years, that's incredible! 855 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:23,840 Are you officially divorced? 856 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,640 Have you been through your absolute and all that? 857 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:26,920 Not yet, January. 858 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,600 [SARAH]: January? 859 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:30,520 Fuckin', it's gonna be a good fuckin' day, isn't it? 860 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,000 So, you left him? - [WOMAN]: I did. 861 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,800 Yes, and did... so is he still in the house 862 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:37,480 that you were in together? - He is. 863 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,880 Yeah, and have you got yourself like a... 864 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,680 fancy lady pad? - I'm all over it, I've got-- 865 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:44,400 [SARAH LAUGHS] You're all over it! 866 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:46,840 You've got a sexy pad, have ya? 867 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:48,200 I don't mean... 868 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 869 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,600 We're sort of that age, uh... [SHE LAUGHS] 870 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:56,080 ...you and I. 871 00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:57,320 Congratulations, and I don't know, like... 872 00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:58,640 I'm divorced and then remarried. 873 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:00,480 I don't know if you all know... 874 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,640 Everybody, we've all had breakups, and you know... 875 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:05,520 especially significant relationships. 876 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:07,680 I don't know if you've been through this phase yet 877 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:09,400 I feel like you might have done. 878 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,160 There's a phase you got through when you get divorced 879 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:13,040 or you end a relationship, there's a phase you go through 880 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:14,960 where you can't sleep. 881 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:16,880 And what you do, this is a tip if anybody's getting there 882 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,800 or they're about to dump somebody significant 883 00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:22,040 maybe who's sitting beside them tonight, what a great day! 884 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,440 There's a tip, if you can't sleep, what you do is 885 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,440 you have a big cry, you have a wank, you have a Magnum 886 00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,520 you go back to bed, sleep like a baby. 887 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:40,040 I choose to keep the wank and the Magnum separate 888 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:41,360 but it's up to you. 889 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,080 I don't mind. It's up to you. 890 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:45,760 Well, congratulations and have a great day 891 00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:47,720 on your absolute day. Round of applause 892 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:49,760 for the fantastic lady. 893 00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:53,680 Good answers. 894 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,520 Very good answers tonight. 895 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:57,360 Let me tell you a couple of my favourite ones. 896 00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:58,960 There was a lady in Birmingham... 897 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:00,560 I said, "What did you do in a moment of madness?" 898 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:01,920 She said, "My lodger". 899 00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:04,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 900 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:08,880 By way of explanation, she went, "Well, he's Greek". 901 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:10,520 I don't know what that means! 902 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:12,639 Fair enough. 903 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,120 I said, "Do you still live with him now?" She said, "Yes". 904 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:15,239 I said, "Are you in a relationship with him?" 905 00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:16,719 She said, "No, no". 906 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:18,199 I said, "Well done, you. You've had this fling 907 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:19,920 got past it, you've been such adults about it. 908 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:22,000 She said, "Oh, no, it's still going on". 909 00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:24,000 I said, "Did you cut his rent a bit?" 910 00:34:24,159 --> 00:34:25,800 She said, "Actually no, I put it up". 911 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,120 Another one I liked was in Liverpool. 912 00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:30,520 A lady said... I said, "What did you do 913 00:34:30,679 --> 00:34:32,159 in a moment of madness?" 914 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,080 She said, "I've started drinking wine out of a mug"... 915 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:36,920 which didn't sound that mad to me 916 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,480 but then she said, "No, no, during important work meetings 917 00:34:39,639 --> 00:34:41,120 on Zoom". 918 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,080 She said the trick is, you get the bit of string 919 00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:47,679 and the paper off a herbal tea bag 920 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,560 and you drape it over the side of your mug. 921 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:54,520 She's a fucking genius, is what she is. 922 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:57,200 One of the things I dabbled in 923 00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,720 a little bit in lockdown, was aromatherapy. 924 00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:01,560 I've never really bothered with aromatherapy in the past 925 00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:02,960 cos I have actual therapy. 926 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:04,440 You don't need aroma something 927 00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,520 if you're having the real fucking thing. 928 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:08,040 If I fancy something sweet 929 00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:09,920 I don't have an aroma Twix, do I? 930 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:11,000 No. 931 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:13,000 If I'm tired, but I can't sleep 932 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,800 I don't have an aroma wank, do I? No. 933 00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:17,840 Bought myself some aromatherapy balms. 934 00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:19,640 If you don't know what they are, you put them 935 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:21,240 on your pulse points. It's supposed to make you feel nice. 936 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,000 And the four that I bought all had names. 937 00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:25,680 They were called "Sleepy Time", like I'm five... 938 00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:27,640 "Calm Down," alright... 939 00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:30,320 "Wake Up", make your fucking mind up 940 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:32,120 and "Headache" which is a bit more medical. 941 00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:33,840 And they all smell of things you'd expect them to smell of. 942 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:35,720 Lavender, camomile, that sort of thing. 943 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,240 I thought it'd be interesting to get my husband to smell them 944 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,440 to tell me what he thought they smelt of. 945 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,720 To be fair, I did once ask him to smell my vagina candle 946 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:45,560 and he said it smelt of beef and cheese 947 00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:47,320 and he got it right first time. 948 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:49,600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 949 00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:57,160 But in that order of Sleepy Time, Calm Down 950 00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:58,840 Wake Up, Headache, he said 951 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:02,560 they smelt of creosote, grass, nothing, and an old shop. 952 00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:04,160 He's got no fucking clue. 953 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:05,520 I don't know why we bother with these things, though 954 00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:07,040 cos we've got lavender in the garden. 955 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:08,440 So, what I do now, before I go to bed, I just 956 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:09,760 nip out into the garden 957 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,960 in my nightie and I inhale a bush. 958 00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:18,000 And then I get in the house and my husband does this same! 959 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,880 Beef and cheese! Beef and cheese! 960 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:26,000 But d'you remember when the food shops were terrifying 961 00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:27,840 and we all started ordering food online? 962 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,160 I downloaded all the different supermarket apps into my phone 963 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:31,920 try and get a delivery slot. 964 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:33,760 Eventually I got one, shouted to my husband who's in the kitchen. 965 00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:35,720 I shouted, "I've got a slot, I've got a slot! 966 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:36,800 Come and help me fill it!" 967 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:38,280 Used to mean something else. 968 00:36:39,720 --> 00:36:41,560 And the slot that I got was on the Asda app 969 00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:43,400 and I started to add things to the basket, usual things 970 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:44,680 bread and milk and whatnot. 971 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,160 When it came to the fruit, though 972 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:47,440 the fruit was divided into different sections. 973 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:48,920 There was an exotic fruit section. 974 00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:50,760 I thought, "Ooh, let's see what Asda's got 975 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,480 by way of exotic fruit!" 976 00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,160 And in there was a papaya. 977 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,200 I thought, "Yeah, there might be a global pandemic 978 00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:58,920 happening Asda, but I will have a fucking papaya". 979 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:00,320 And when I added it to the basket 980 00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:02,040 I half expected the Asda app to be like 981 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:04,240 "Ooooh... 982 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,000 did you mean Birdseye potato waffles?" 983 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:10,320 "No, but thanks for the reminder". 984 00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:12,080 Also add to basket. 985 00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:13,920 You know when you order food online, you don't always get 986 00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,640 what you want, do you? Sometimes you get substitutions. 987 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:19,320 Asda didn't have any fucking papayas. 988 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:21,840 They just sent me two pies, which was good enough. 989 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,960 But as well as the papayas, I also ordered kiwifruit. 990 00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:27,800 I love a kiwifruit. 991 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:29,800 When I first met my husband, we hadn't started going out yet 992 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:33,560 we were just friends. I watched him eat a kiwi, like an apple. 993 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,280 Um-um-um, fur and all. 994 00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:37,600 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 995 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:38,920 And I looked at him and I thought 996 00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:40,600 "This bodes very well for me". 997 00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:43,080 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 998 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,680 Now let's see how he does with this coconut. 999 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:55,840 But we've lived in the house we live in now 1000 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,320 for about nine years. 1001 00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:59,560 Before that, we both rented flats separately. 1002 00:37:59,720 --> 00:38:01,640 If you rent now, or you've ever rented in the past 1003 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:03,920 you will know that if something breaks in your rented place 1004 00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:06,640 you tell the person responsible, who does nothing at all 1005 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:08,440 and you learn to live without the thing. 1006 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,120 That's right, isn't it? 1007 00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:12,000 When you own somewhere, though, you're responsible. 1008 00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:13,720 My husband had this great idea when we first moved in together 1009 00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:15,280 to have, like, a rolling jobs list. 1010 00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:17,120 Just a document on his computer of all the things 1011 00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:18,600 that needed doing to the house. 1012 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,280 Some of those things we could do ourselves. 1013 00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:22,240 Some of those things he would need to ring a bigger boy 1014 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,160 who would come and do it for us. 1015 00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,160 One day he shared the document with me. 1016 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,240 He said, "Just in case you want to add any jobs to the list". 1017 00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:29,760 So I scrolled right to the bottom, and I just wrote 1018 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:31,400 "cunnilingus". 1019 00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:33,480 And he spotted it. 1020 00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:34,680 He said, "Yeah, as long as you don't mind 1021 00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:36,600 a Polish handyman coming to do it?" 1022 00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:39,920 And I said, "Not at all". 1023 00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:43,120 He said, "To be fair, it's sort of already on the list. 1024 00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,200 It's just under clearing the gutters". 1025 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,200 [SHE GIGGLES] 1026 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,200 But I've been married a long time. 1027 00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:52,080 Different men. Let's move on, and... 1028 00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:54,520 I think I know a bit about relationships. 1029 00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:56,040 I've got a theory. See if you agree with this. 1030 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:58,200 My theory is that most relationships are made up 1031 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,680 of one person who does chores as they see them arise 1032 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,640 and another person who needs to be asked to do chores. 1033 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,720 Would you agree with that? - [AUDIENCE]: Yeah. 1034 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:08,160 [SARAH]: So I'm the do-er, in our family. 1035 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:09,640 My husband will do anything I ask 1036 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,080 but does often need to be asked. 1037 00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:12,800 I found a way around this. 1038 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:14,320 If this is helpful in your relationship, please use it. 1039 00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:15,880 I do not mind. What I do 1040 00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:18,640 is I make every chore a challenge. 1041 00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:21,160 So, I say to him, "Bet you can't bring in all the shopping 1042 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:22,880 from the car in one go?" 1043 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:27,320 And he goes, "Course I can!" He does it 1044 00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:29,760 and I tick it off my list. Hooray! 1045 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,640 I'll say, "Bet you can't empty the dishwasher 1046 00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,200 in less than two minutes", and he goes 1047 00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,960 "I bet I bloody can". 1048 00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:37,760 I use a stopwatch to make it more fun for him, you know? 1049 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:40,840 It's basically like a really domestic version 1050 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:42,680 of The Crystal Maze. 1051 00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:44,320 Where I am Richard O'Brien 1052 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:45,800 or Richard Ayoade, if you're very young 1053 00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,640 and my husband is in a big glass sphere. 1054 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:51,960 Also in this sphere is a washing machine and a tumble dryer. 1055 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:55,040 Against the clock to win another month of marriage 1056 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,360 he has to take clothes out of the washing machine 1057 00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,560 and deduce whether or not they can be tumble-dried. 1058 00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:03,080 And it's not as straightforward as looking at the label 1059 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:06,800 because nobody knows what the fucking symbols mean. 1060 00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:09,120 There's only one symbol we all know. 1061 00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:10,520 And I think the reason it's universal is 1062 00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:11,920 cos it's so damn important. 1063 00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:13,280 And that's the hand one. 1064 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:14,840 We all know the hand one, don't we? 1065 00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:16,840 Cos that means wave goodbye to your lovely top 1066 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:19,000 because it's about to get fucking shrunk. 1067 00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:24,440 But I bought this dress, many reasons 1068 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,280 but one of them is that it's got fucking pockets! 1069 00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:28,680 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 1070 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:30,480 It's how you make a woman happy, isn't it? 1071 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:31,680 Show her something with pockets. 1072 00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:33,280 This is what feminism is to me 1073 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:34,960 cos I could be scratching my fanny now. 1074 00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:36,520 You'd have no idea. 1075 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,360 But I've got a friend who's got dungarees 1076 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:41,960 and they've got pockets everywhere. 1077 00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:43,920 She looks amazing in her dungarees and I'm so jealous 1078 00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,000 and I keep thinking, should I get some dungarees? 1079 00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:48,160 But she's a lot thinner than me and I've got a horrible feeling 1080 00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:49,840 I'd just look fucking pregnant in them. 1081 00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:51,680 And that's what I said to my husband. 1082 00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:53,560 I said, I think the only way I could get away with dungarees 1083 00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:55,320 is if either I lost loads of weight... 1084 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,560 it's not going to happen, I can't be bothered... 1085 00:40:57,720 --> 00:40:59,920 or I wait until I'm so old 1086 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,000 that I couldn't possibly be pregnant. 1087 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,440 Which these days, because of fucking science 1088 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,760 is about 70, isn't it? 1089 00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:08,480 Thanks fucking science. 1090 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:10,120 My husband went, "Or..." 1091 00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:11,880 And I thought, "Oh, he's got a good logical brain. 1092 00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:13,280 He's thought of a third solution". 1093 00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:15,480 He said, "You could just wear the dungarees 1094 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:18,280 but always carry a paintbrush with you". 1095 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:23,040 I said, "Knowing my luck 1096 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:24,920 people will just point and go, 'Look at that fat old lady 1097 00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:28,040 preparing the nursery for her unborn child'". 1098 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,120 We're heading now for my favourite time of the day 1099 00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:33,280 which is bedtime. 1100 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:34,640 Fucking love sleeping. 1101 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:36,960 I don't however sleep naked. 1102 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:38,480 Give me a "woo" if you do sleep naked? 1103 00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:39,920 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! 1104 00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:40,920 And if you don't? 1105 00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:42,360 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! 1106 00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:44,040 The main reason I don't sleep naked is 1107 00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:46,160 we've got a cat who's an arsehole. 1108 00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:49,640 And if your toes are popping out the end of the duvet 1109 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:51,240 he will nibble on them. 1110 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:53,800 Imagine what he'd do to me fanny, I'm not risking it. 1111 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,320 Not risking it. 1112 00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:58,120 But a while ago, a friend of mine rang me one day 1113 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:00,200 laughing, she was heavily pregnant at the time 1114 00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:01,520 she rang me to tell me 1115 00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,120 the hospital had been on the phone 1116 00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:04,760 and they said that when she came in to give birth 1117 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,120 she was to bring a nightie 1118 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:08,000 and she thought this was piss funny. 1119 00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:11,480 She said, "Who even wears nighties these days?" 1120 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:13,480 And I didn't say anything, but I wanted to say... 1121 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:14,760 [IN A DEEP VOICE]: me. 1122 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:17,000 And then she said, "Where would you even 1123 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:18,960 get a nightie from these days?" 1124 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:21,280 And that's when I snapped and said, "Marks and Spencer's 1125 00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:22,800 you fucking idiot!" 1126 00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,400 But they told her to bring a button-down nightie 1127 00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:28,640 which makes sense for breastfeeding reasons. 1128 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:30,840 I think that's just good advice for all of us, isn't it? 1129 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:32,600 If your partner can rummage in the top 1130 00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:34,120 and then rummage underneath 1131 00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:36,240 you don't have to take the fucker off at all. 1132 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:40,320 There are some health benefits to sleeping naked 1133 00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:41,760 let me tell you, there's three of them. 1134 00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:43,200 Let me talk you through them. 1135 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:45,760 Number one, keeps your temperature down. 1136 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:48,080 And I thought, well, so does sticking a leg out. 1137 00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:51,720 Number two, improves self-esteem. 1138 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,280 That sounds like a load of shit, doesn't it? 1139 00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:58,160 I don't think it would improve my self-esteem 1140 00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:01,480 if my husband rolled over to see me lying there 1141 00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:03,720 with a chin-full of tits. 1142 00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:12,360 At least in a nightie, they're contained, aren't they? 1143 00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:14,600 Instead, it looks like a carrier bag 1144 00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:15,920 full of bread buns. 1145 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,560 And number three, keeps testicles cool. 1146 00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:23,240 That's mostly for the men that one, obviously. 1147 00:43:23,400 --> 00:43:24,600 Now, I've met... met! 1148 00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:27,200 I've met some testicles in my time. 1149 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:28,600 Nice to meet you. 1150 00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:31,840 I've never met a cool one. 1151 00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:35,640 They've all got a degree of sort of tackiness, haven't they? 1152 00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,320 Like you're waiting for them to dry. 1153 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:45,120 But I've got a nice tradition. 1154 00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:47,480 I like to get new pyjamas for Christmas. 1155 00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:48,680 Does anybody else do that? 1156 00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:50,360 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] - Yeah? 1157 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,640 So, last November I went round various department stores 1158 00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:54,880 to have a look at what they had by way of new stock 1159 00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:56,440 in the pyjama department. 1160 00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:58,240 It wasn't great, if I'm honest. 1161 00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:00,640 I would say half of them were fleecy. 1162 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:02,440 [AUDIENCE MURMURS] - [SARAH LAUGHS] 1163 00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:04,120 That's the noise that women make 1164 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:06,720 when parts of them are hotter than the sun. 1165 00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:11,080 Nobody wants thrush for Santa coming, do they? No. 1166 00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:15,600 The other half had slogans across here. 1167 00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,000 I'm 47, fuck off with your slogans. 1168 00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,960 I saw two slogans, one said, "It's Prosecco o'clock" 1169 00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,440 which I don't know if you know, it's not an actual time. 1170 00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:25,520 It's just a fancy term for alcoholism. 1171 00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:28,040 And the other one said, "There's always time for brunch!" 1172 00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:29,880 And there's not, is there? Sometimes it's just you 1173 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:32,280 and some Weetabix and it's pretty fucking sad. 1174 00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:34,960 I thought, "If they want slogans 1175 00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:37,040 why don't they have realistic slogans?" 1176 00:44:37,240 --> 00:44:39,280 So I had a think, and I've come up with three ideas. 1177 00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:41,120 I am going to pitch them to the department stores 1178 00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:42,720 but I wanted to run them by you first. 1179 00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:44,040 Is that alright? 1180 00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:45,560 [AUDIENCE]: Yes. - OK. So, here we go. 1181 00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:48,120 Three realistic slogans for pyjama tops. Here we go. 1182 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:50,560 Number one, "Don't come too close 1183 00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:54,000 I've worn these as clothes for four days". 1184 00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:58,080 Like that one? Like that one. 1185 00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:02,360 Number two, "That's not a pattern. It's tomato soup". 1186 00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:07,000 And number three, "If I'm honest 1187 00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:09,160 the top smells better than the bottoms". 1188 00:45:12,920 --> 00:45:14,280 [SARAH GIGGLES] 1189 00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:21,280 I will pitch them to the department stores 1190 00:45:21,440 --> 00:45:23,160 and I'll let you know how I get on. 1191 00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:25,440 I'm quite a clumsy person, by nature. 1192 00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:27,200 I've fallen over, substantially 1193 00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:29,040 three times in the last few years. 1194 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,240 First time I fell over, I hurt my knee. 1195 00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:33,520 Now a problem that exists when you are not skinny 1196 00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:37,560 is trying to convince someone that a part of you is swollen. 1197 00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:40,720 I said to my friend, I said, "Look at my knee. 1198 00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:42,080 Look, I hurt it, it's all swollen". 1199 00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:43,440 She said, "Is it?" 1200 00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,840 And then she said, "Did you fall on your other knee as well?" 1201 00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:48,320 Fuck off! 1202 00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:54,840 Second time I fell, I fell face front. 1203 00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:56,320 Now, if you've ever fallen face front 1204 00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:58,040 you'll know there's a degree of slow motion 1205 00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:00,440 about a fall like that. It's a little bit... 1206 00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:01,920 [IMITATING SLOW MOTION]: Nooo! 1207 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:03,600 The whole time all I could think of was 1208 00:46:03,760 --> 00:46:05,840 "Don't smash your glasses! Don't smash your glasses!" 1209 00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:07,400 Glasses are fucking expensive. 1210 00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:09,800 Miraculously, even though I fell face front 1211 00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:11,440 I did not smash my glasses. 1212 00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:14,240 And that's because I was saved by my tits. 1213 00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:18,200 My husband who saw it happen, said I was lying there 1214 00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:20,600 with my hands slightly up, my feet slightly up. 1215 00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:23,720 He said, "It looked a little bit like you were skydiving". 1216 00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:29,040 Third time I fell, I hurt my wrist and my hand. 1217 00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:30,720 It didn't heal itself properly, so I had to go 1218 00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:32,120 and see a physiotherapist. 1219 00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:33,600 And the physiotherapist said to me 1220 00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:36,160 "Can you tell me what activities you're doing 1221 00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:37,680 when it hurts the most?" 1222 00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:39,040 No. 1223 00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:42,720 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [SHE MOUTHS] 1224 00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:48,600 And then I thought, he's a medical professional 1225 00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:50,520 you have to tell the truth to a medical professionals 1226 00:46:50,680 --> 00:46:52,040 so I did tell the truth in the end 1227 00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:54,400 and I said, "Mashing potatoes and wanking". 1228 00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:57,640 It's the same motion, isn't it? 1229 00:46:58,640 --> 00:46:59,760 It's the same face. 1230 00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:02,800 Argh-ah-ah-ah-ah... 1231 00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:04,040 Aah-a! 1232 00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:06,480 Ah-ah-ah-ah... 1233 00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:08,480 [PITCH INCREASES]: Ah-ah-ah-ah... 1234 00:47:08,640 --> 00:47:11,200 [PITCH FALLS]: Ah-ah-ah-ah... 1235 00:47:16,720 --> 00:47:18,040 Something tells me quite a lot of you 1236 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:20,440 have mashed potatoes in your time. 1237 00:47:21,840 --> 00:47:23,160 But the physiotherapist said 1238 00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:25,040 "I'm going to give you an exercise to do". 1239 00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:27,200 He said, "You won't believe me, but I promise it works. 1240 00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:28,600 But you won't believe me". 1241 00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:30,240 I said, "What's the exercise?" 1242 00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:32,000 He said, "Doing the dishes". 1243 00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:34,200 And I said, "What kind of Handmaid's Tale 1244 00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:36,360 bullshit is this?" 1245 00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:38,600 There was a curtain in his room you could get changed behind. 1246 00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:40,680 I lifted it up, fully expected to see my husband 1247 00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:42,120 just crouched down whispering 1248 00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:44,120 [IN A LOWER VOICE]: "Dishes, tell her dishes 1249 00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:45,720 and hand jobs". 1250 00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:47,960 I'm not gonna do the dishes 1251 00:47:48,120 --> 00:47:50,040 and deprive my husband of winning a crystal. 1252 00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:51,480 Are you mad? 1253 00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:56,600 Give me a "woo" if you've heard of the term 1254 00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:58,880 "the seven signs of ageing". 1255 00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:00,720 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! - Oh, that's quite a lot of you. 1256 00:48:00,880 --> 00:48:02,880 For those of you who haven't, let me tell you what they are. 1257 00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:05,080 The seven signs of ageing are this... 1258 00:48:05,240 --> 00:48:07,360 dark spots, wrinkles 1259 00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:09,600 saggy skin, dry skin 1260 00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:12,640 dull skin and visible pores. 1261 00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:14,560 And the reason they're all skin related 1262 00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:18,040 is because this is what we're told by skin-care companies. 1263 00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:20,760 This is not what my seven signs of ageing are. 1264 00:48:20,920 --> 00:48:22,560 I've written them down for you. 1265 00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:24,680 Let me tell you. 1266 00:48:24,840 --> 00:48:26,200 This is my seven signs of ageing. 1267 00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:28,800 Number one, you have more baths than showers 1268 00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:30,360 mostly because you got more time 1269 00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:33,000 but also because sometimes things need a steep. 1270 00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:35,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1271 00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:45,840 Number two, the menopause, which mostly affects women 1272 00:48:46,080 --> 00:48:48,520 but can affect some men who live with the women 1273 00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:50,640 who are going through the menopause. 1274 00:48:51,520 --> 00:48:53,640 And to those men I say, "Boo-fucking-hoo!" 1275 00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:56,040 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1276 00:48:56,200 --> 00:48:57,520 One thing you might not know is 1277 00:48:57,680 --> 00:48:58,840 that before the menopause is something called 1278 00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:00,240 the "perimenopause" 1279 00:49:00,400 --> 00:49:02,840 and before that is the peri-perimenopause 1280 00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:04,160 where you still get the hot sweats 1281 00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:06,040 but they smell of lemon and herb. 1282 00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:07,760 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1283 00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:09,680 Some of you are pretending you're too posh 1284 00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:11,520 for a Nando's joke 1285 00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:13,320 which is hilarious 1286 00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:15,480 given where we are. 1287 00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:17,400 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1288 00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:19,600 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 1289 00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:22,640 [SARAH GIGGLES] 1290 00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:24,240 Number three, your neck. 1291 00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:26,160 People look at your neck a lot more after you hit 40. 1292 00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:27,600 My neck is fine. Thanks very much. 1293 00:49:27,760 --> 00:49:29,240 All I have... 1294 00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:30,880 and it's nothing medical, it's nothing to worry about 1295 00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:34,600 is a line that goes across it from left to right. 1296 00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:35,840 What it looks like, it looks like 1297 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,520 I was beheaded a long time ago 1298 00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:41,480 and it's healing really well. 1299 00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:44,000 The only trouble I ever get from my neck 1300 00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:46,120 is that every now and again, that line... 1301 00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:47,920 needs a little dust. 1302 00:49:54,240 --> 00:49:55,520 Number four, piles. 1303 00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:57,720 Give us a cheer. No, don't, don't. 1304 00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:00,320 I occasionally suffer from piles. 1305 00:50:00,480 --> 00:50:03,560 How I know they're bad is that my farts sound different. 1306 00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:12,200 Number five, you need a weekly tablet box. 1307 00:50:12,360 --> 00:50:14,920 Give me a "woo" if you, like me, use a weekly tablet box? 1308 00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:16,720 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! - Loads of you. 1309 00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:18,560 Sometimes it's the only way I know what day it is. 1310 00:50:18,720 --> 00:50:21,520 "Oh, Tuesday's tablets, must be fucking Tuesday". 1311 00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:23,600 When I collect my tablets from the chemist 1312 00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:24,960 they fill a shopping bag. 1313 00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:27,080 They fill a fucking shopping bag. 1314 00:50:27,240 --> 00:50:28,560 Now, the last time this happened 1315 00:50:28,720 --> 00:50:30,120 I bumped into a woman that I know 1316 00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:31,880 I'd call her a friend, but I wouldn't mean it. 1317 00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:33,400 We've all got those people, haven't we? 1318 00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:35,000 You know those people? 1319 00:50:35,160 --> 00:50:36,600 You don't remember how you got them in your life 1320 00:50:36,760 --> 00:50:37,720 so you don't know how to get fucking rid of them. 1321 00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:39,360 She's one of those. 1322 00:50:39,520 --> 00:50:41,440 She's not a nice lady. She makes me feel uncomfortable. 1323 00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:43,000 But I bumped into her, she pointed to my 1324 00:50:43,160 --> 00:50:45,040 thankfully unmarked, shopping bag 1325 00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:48,880 and she said, "Eee, have you been treating yourself?" 1326 00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:50,360 And I just said, "Yeah" 1327 00:50:50,520 --> 00:50:51,840 cos I thought, "What's the alternative?" 1328 00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:53,720 What I really want to say is, "Oh no. 1329 00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:55,560 In here are some anxiety meds 1330 00:50:55,720 --> 00:50:59,240 that make this fucking conversation bearable". 1331 00:51:03,080 --> 00:51:04,960 Also, if we do have any really young people in the room 1332 00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:07,160 a pillbox is not what you take to a nightclub. 1333 00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:08,520 Different thing. 1334 00:51:09,400 --> 00:51:10,840 Although, if you are in a nightclub 1335 00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:12,640 it's still important to take your meds, isn't it? 1336 00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:14,640 My thyroid's not going to start working 1337 00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:16,120 just cos I've had a Hooch, is it? 1338 00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:17,240 No. 1339 00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:21,440 Number six, your skin. 1340 00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:22,520 People look at your skin when you're born 1341 00:51:22,680 --> 00:51:24,080 and then nothing for 40 years 1342 00:51:24,240 --> 00:51:26,120 and then everybody's got a fucking opinion 1343 00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:27,560 about your skin. 1344 00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:29,080 A friend of mine said, "Your skin's nice". 1345 00:51:29,240 --> 00:51:30,680 I said, "Thank you". 1346 00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:32,040 She said, "Can I ask you a question"? I said, "Sure". 1347 00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:33,800 She said, "Do you use fillers"? 1348 00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:36,120 Now I'm about to tell you something 1349 00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:38,560 that you might find a little bit disappointing in me 1350 00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,800 because I said, "Yes, it's true, I do use fillers 1351 00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:42,240 but not the traditional kind. 1352 00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:43,920 I call them cakes and pies". 1353 00:51:44,080 --> 00:51:46,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1354 00:51:48,920 --> 00:51:50,320 Why put poison in your face 1355 00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:52,600 when you could put lovely things in your mouth? 1356 00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:55,520 I just don't understand the logic. I really don't. 1357 00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:57,120 I do like to buy skincare. 1358 00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:58,800 I refuse, however, to buy anything that calls itself 1359 00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:00,200 "anti-wrinkle" 1360 00:52:00,360 --> 00:52:01,960 because I myself am not anti-wrinkle. 1361 00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:03,880 I've got wrinkles. I'll get more, it's absolutely fine. 1362 00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:05,680 I'm not going to spend 30 quid on something 1363 00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:07,720 that reckons it stops fucking time. 1364 00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:09,560 I'm not doing that. 1365 00:52:09,720 --> 00:52:12,720 I buy moisturiser for the same reason we all buy moisturiser 1366 00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:14,120 because isn't it nice to feel 1367 00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:16,360 a little bit slippy before bedtime. 1368 00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:18,360 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1369 00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:20,160 The last time I bought skincare 1370 00:52:20,320 --> 00:52:21,640 the website I bought it from said 1371 00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:23,120 because you've spent over X amount of money 1372 00:52:23,280 --> 00:52:24,760 you're entitled to a free sample. 1373 00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:26,280 Choose one of the following things, we'll send it on. 1374 00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:27,760 Great, I love a freebie. 1375 00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:31,200 The one I chose, though, was purely out of curiosity 1376 00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:33,680 because it was called "Youth Serum" 1377 00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:36,960 and I thought, "What the fuck is youth serum?" 1378 00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:39,000 Are they going to send me the skin of a child 1379 00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:40,560 to lie over my own? 1380 00:52:41,240 --> 00:52:42,760 Then I thought, what if it looks like 1381 00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:43,880 teddy bear ham? 1382 00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:46,400 I fucking love teddy bear ham! 1383 00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:52,280 And then I thought, how youth are we talking? 1384 00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:53,960 Am I gonna get pulled over by the police 1385 00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:55,600 while I'm driving my car 1386 00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:57,240 and they're gonna go, "How are you driving this?" 1387 00:52:57,400 --> 00:52:59,000 And I'm going to go, "I'm 47 1388 00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:01,640 I'm just covered in teddy bear ham, look!" 1389 00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:03,840 But also, "Youth Serum", to me 1390 00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:06,520 sounds too much like teenage boys' jizz. 1391 00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:07,880 Urgh! 1392 00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:11,560 [IN A CROSS VOICE]: "Your sheets are covered in youth serum 1393 00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:13,880 Jamie, you dirty fucking bastard". 1394 00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:17,080 I imagine there's factories 1395 00:53:17,240 --> 00:53:20,320 just teenage lad lined up after teenage lad 1396 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:23,440 cracking one out to a catalogue. 1397 00:53:27,240 --> 00:53:29,800 And number seven on my list of the seven signs of ageing 1398 00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:32,360 is fuck you, it's a privilege to get old 1399 00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:34,920 because not everybody gets the chance. 1400 00:53:35,080 --> 00:53:37,640 [AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS] 1401 00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:45,120 And I don't just mean people we've lost. 1402 00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:46,640 I also mean people like Madonna. 1403 00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:48,240 Stay with me. So... 1404 00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:51,560 Whenever Madonna pops up on my Instagram 1405 00:53:51,720 --> 00:53:53,440 I always feel bad for her. Poor Madonna. 1406 00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:55,000 Why isn't she allowed to get old? 1407 00:53:55,160 --> 00:53:56,440 Doesn't seem fair that we're all allowed to get old 1408 00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:57,840 and she isn't. 1409 00:53:58,000 --> 00:53:59,640 I would like to never see Madonna again 1410 00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:01,240 cos then I can imagine she's retired. 1411 00:54:01,400 --> 00:54:03,080 She's clocked off. 1412 00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:05,800 She's sitting on the sofa in, like, stained jogging bottoms 1413 00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:08,480 watching Escape to the Country, on a loop. 1414 00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:10,640 Maybe she pops to B&Q 1415 00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:12,840 and treats herself to one of those garden kneeler pads 1416 00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:14,640 you know the garden kneeler pads? 1417 00:54:14,800 --> 00:54:17,360 Doesn't even cross her mind she could use it for blowjobs. 1418 00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:19,040 Doesn't even cross her mind! 1419 00:54:19,640 --> 00:54:21,000 Cos she's retired. 1420 00:54:21,760 --> 00:54:23,880 She could hang her crucifix back up on the wall 1421 00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:25,720 instead of jamming it in her fanny 1422 00:54:25,880 --> 00:54:27,080 like she did when I saw her 1423 00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:29,520 at the Manchester arena that time. 1424 00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:31,520 I'm sure Jesus would be relieved. 1425 00:54:32,480 --> 00:54:35,480 And he's been in some tough spots, as we know. 1426 00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:37,880 She could reappropriate her cone bra 1427 00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:40,200 for when people come round, turn it upside down 1428 00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,720 crisps in one, nuts in the other. 1429 00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:46,120 I think it might be because she's in America. 1430 00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:48,040 I think if she was over here, we'd treat her better. 1431 00:54:48,200 --> 00:54:49,560 I think if she was over here 1432 00:54:49,720 --> 00:54:51,520 the rest of her career would pan out as follows. 1433 00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:54,840 I think she'd do six months behind the bar at the Queen Vic 1434 00:54:55,800 --> 00:54:58,240 then she'd do a regional theatre tour of Calendar Girls 1435 00:54:58,400 --> 00:55:00,240 with two Loose Women and a Nolan. 1436 00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:03,920 And finally she would fuck a professional dancer. 1437 00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:05,680 Sorry. Do Strictly. 1438 00:55:09,440 --> 00:55:11,840 You do, you do have to spare a thought for the people 1439 00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:13,560 who aren't allowed to get old. 1440 00:55:13,720 --> 00:55:16,080 I, for one, can't wait to let myself go... 1441 00:55:16,240 --> 00:55:17,240 a bit more. 1442 00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,720 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1443 00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:20,720 But we all started buying stuff online, didn't we? 1444 00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:22,600 One of the things I had to start buying online 1445 00:55:22,760 --> 00:55:24,240 was sanitary towels. 1446 00:55:24,400 --> 00:55:26,680 Give me a "woo" if you're more of a tampon kind of gal? 1447 00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:27,880 [SOME WOMEN]: Woo! - Yeah. 1448 00:55:28,040 --> 00:55:29,400 Anybody like a sanitary towel? 1449 00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:30,400 [SOME WOMEN WHOOP] 1450 00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:32,080 Anybody favour a moon cup? 1451 00:55:32,240 --> 00:55:33,560 [WOMEN MURMUR] - Yeah, a couple of people. 1452 00:55:33,720 --> 00:55:35,480 I don't think my husband definitely knows 1453 00:55:35,640 --> 00:55:37,120 what moon cups are 1454 00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:39,160 cos I mentioned them to him and he went 1455 00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:41,600 ♪ "Moon Cup dot com" ♪ 1456 00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:49,440 It's not a really clever way they've found 1457 00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:51,680 if you've been able to send some menstrual blood 1458 00:55:51,840 --> 00:55:54,280 to your Auntie Jenny for her birthday. 1459 00:55:54,720 --> 00:55:56,520 "Ooh, look, it says you can personalise it. 1460 00:55:56,680 --> 00:55:58,520 Let's write 'Jenny' in all the clots". 1461 00:55:58,840 --> 00:56:00,520 [AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS] 1462 00:56:01,720 --> 00:56:03,360 [SARAH LAUGHS] 1463 00:56:04,480 --> 00:56:05,680 But I think we're loyal, aren't we? 1464 00:56:05,840 --> 00:56:07,200 We're loyal to brands that we like. 1465 00:56:07,360 --> 00:56:08,920 I could spot the kind of sanitary towel 1466 00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:11,560 I've always used at 100 yards in a Superdrug. 1467 00:56:11,720 --> 00:56:13,160 That's the sort of test you should be doing 1468 00:56:13,320 --> 00:56:14,240 at the fucking optician. 1469 00:56:14,400 --> 00:56:15,680 I'd have nailed that! 1470 00:56:16,760 --> 00:56:18,480 Do I know what they're called when I have to type them 1471 00:56:18,640 --> 00:56:20,600 into a computer? Do I shite. 1472 00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:22,560 I went on the Boots app 1473 00:56:22,720 --> 00:56:24,280 and I thought, "How many different kinds 1474 00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:27,240 of sanitary towels can there possibly be?" 1475 00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:29,520 Turns out a bazillion. 1476 00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:32,920 And they all have sort of key words on them 1477 00:56:33,080 --> 00:56:35,280 like "discreet" 1478 00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:37,080 "sensitive" 1479 00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:39,080 "pro-fresh" 1480 00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:41,160 "instant dry" 1481 00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:43,000 and "long", and I thought... 1482 00:56:43,480 --> 00:56:45,760 "Yes, I'll have all of those things, please". 1483 00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:49,240 Turns out it's very much an either/or situation. 1484 00:56:49,640 --> 00:56:52,480 I thought, who is choosing between these things? 1485 00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:54,720 "Would you like them to be discreet?" 1486 00:56:54,880 --> 00:56:57,480 "No, I don't mind if people can tell". 1487 00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:05,000 "Would you like them to be sensitive?" 1488 00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:07,760 "No, I don't mind if me fanny is red raw". 1489 00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:15,720 "Would you like them to be pro-fresh?" 1490 00:57:15,880 --> 00:57:18,200 "No, I don't mind if I smell of roadkill". 1491 00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:25,760 "Would you like them to be instant dry?" 1492 00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:28,200 "No, I prefer to be always wet. 1493 00:57:29,760 --> 00:57:31,880 I like to feel like I've either just pissed myself 1494 00:57:32,040 --> 00:57:33,800 or I'm super turned on". 1495 00:57:35,560 --> 00:57:36,920 "Would you like them to be long?" 1496 00:57:37,080 --> 00:57:38,680 "No, as long as it covers the..." 1497 00:57:38,840 --> 00:57:40,600 spout? I don't know what it's called. 1498 00:57:40,760 --> 00:57:42,480 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1499 00:57:47,720 --> 00:57:48,880 One thing I didn't know is 1500 00:57:49,040 --> 00:57:50,640 that sanitary towels are now sized 1501 00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:52,280 and I don't mean the size of the pad itself 1502 00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:53,760 I mean the size of the person wearing it. 1503 00:57:53,920 --> 00:57:55,400 I thought, "Oh my God... 1504 00:57:55,560 --> 00:57:57,480 we as women get judged on so many different things 1505 00:57:57,640 --> 00:58:00,720 and now I'm about to be judged on the size of me twat. 1506 00:58:00,880 --> 00:58:02,480 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1507 00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:04,840 It's just a matter of time before Grazia's telling us 1508 00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:07,560 what size twat is fashionable next spring. 1509 00:58:07,880 --> 00:58:10,000 But there is good news for the fatties amongst us 1510 00:58:10,160 --> 00:58:12,960 cos it is based solely on the size of your thigh gap. 1511 00:58:13,120 --> 00:58:13,880 Gap? 1512 00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:14,840 Gap? 1513 00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,040 Gap? 1514 00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:18,000 What fucking gap? 1515 00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,160 I've barely got a knee gap. 1516 00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:31,440 Although there was a moment fairly recently 1517 00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:33,280 when I thought I might actually have a thigh gap. 1518 00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:34,960 I walked past a mirror in bra and knickers 1519 00:58:35,120 --> 00:58:36,800 and there was a chink of light between my thighs 1520 00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:39,000 and I thought, "Fucking hell, I have got a thigh gap!" 1521 00:58:39,160 --> 00:58:40,680 On closer inspection 1522 00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:42,760 it was a bit of silver foil off a two-stick KitKat. 1523 00:58:47,320 --> 00:58:50,200 My thighs are flush against each other, as suspected. 1524 00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:53,320 I once caught a fork between my thighs in a restaurant. 1525 00:58:53,720 --> 00:58:55,040 Hu-argh! 1526 00:58:56,600 --> 00:58:57,920 I think whatever you've got down there 1527 00:58:58,080 --> 00:58:59,440 you shouldn't be judged on the size of it. 1528 00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:01,000 That's not fair, is it? Having said that... 1529 00:59:01,160 --> 00:59:02,480 you know how men with big dicks... 1530 00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:03,680 Give us a cheer! No, don't. 1531 00:59:03,840 --> 00:59:04,920 Don't! 1532 00:59:05,960 --> 00:59:08,280 You know how men with big dicks sometimes use lube? 1533 00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:10,600 Do men with small dicks use chalk? 1534 00:59:10,760 --> 00:59:12,680 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1535 00:59:13,560 --> 00:59:15,080 It's a good question, isn't it? 1536 00:59:15,920 --> 00:59:17,960 There was a man the other day said, "No, talc". 1537 00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:19,520 [SHE LAUGHS] 1538 00:59:19,680 --> 00:59:21,960 Genuinely wasn't expecting somebody to answer. 1539 00:59:22,920 --> 00:59:24,840 And also talc has a different image to me 1540 00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:26,840 cos talc's like that, where chalk... 1541 00:59:27,000 --> 00:59:29,520 Why am I thinking chalk like a fucking snooker cue? 1542 00:59:30,040 --> 00:59:31,880 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1543 00:59:38,120 --> 00:59:40,200 "Blow on that, will you, love, before we get cracking? 1544 00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:41,400 Just blow on it". 1545 00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:49,000 I always get annoyed by my period. 1546 00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:50,760 I've had period for over 30 years. 1547 00:59:50,920 --> 00:59:52,600 I've never wanted children, not a moment, not a flicker. 1548 00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:54,320 I'm sure a lot of you have got kids 1549 00:59:54,480 --> 00:59:55,880 you're having a great time and that's smashing for you. 1550 00:59:56,040 --> 00:59:57,360 It's not for me. It's not for me at all. 1551 00:59:57,520 --> 00:59:59,000 The best way I can describe how annoyed I get 1552 00:59:59,160 --> 01:00:00,880 every time my period starts is like this. 1553 01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:02,320 Imagine you've got a friend at work. 1554 01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:03,760 She's called Deborah. She's great. 1555 01:00:03,920 --> 01:00:05,280 Deborah's got a rabbit hutch 1556 01:00:05,440 --> 01:00:07,000 and every month she cleans it out. 1557 01:00:07,160 --> 01:00:08,800 Puts fresh bedding in, fresh water in the water bottle 1558 01:00:08,960 --> 01:00:11,240 fresh food in the food bowl, looks spotless. Amazing. 1559 01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:12,520 Spick and span. 1560 01:00:12,680 --> 01:00:14,080 And you say to her, "Deborah... 1561 01:00:14,680 --> 01:00:16,480 are you ever going to get a rabbit?" 1562 01:00:16,640 --> 01:00:19,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1563 01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:26,760 And she goes, "Nah, I fucking hate them". 1564 01:00:26,920 --> 01:00:28,800 That's what periods are to me. 1565 01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:31,840 I feel like I'm making up the guest bedroom 1566 01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:34,600 for a visitor that will ruin my fucking life. 1567 01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:37,640 Enjoy your new baby, madam. 1568 01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:48,400 But I also have very heavy periods. 1569 01:00:48,880 --> 01:00:50,960 Not today. Not in any danger on the front there. 1570 01:00:51,120 --> 01:00:52,800 Huargh! Wouldn't do that to you. 1571 01:00:53,880 --> 01:00:55,000 I do have very heavy periods. 1572 01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:56,480 You know the old saying 1573 01:00:56,640 --> 01:00:58,280 "It's like trying to get blood out of a stone"? 1574 01:00:58,440 --> 01:01:00,080 I think they should update that. 1575 01:01:00,680 --> 01:01:01,840 I think it now should be 1576 01:01:02,000 --> 01:01:02,960 "Eee, it's like trying to get blood 1577 01:01:03,120 --> 01:01:04,360 out of a mattress topper". 1578 01:01:07,760 --> 01:01:09,120 "In a hotel". 1579 01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:12,720 I do have very heavy periods. 1580 01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:14,080 I feel like the beginning of my period... 1581 01:01:14,240 --> 01:01:15,760 It's quite tricky to explain this. 1582 01:01:15,920 --> 01:01:18,160 At the beginning of my period, it's a little bit like 1583 01:01:18,320 --> 01:01:20,880 my arse is in competition. 1584 01:01:21,640 --> 01:01:23,480 Oh, some of you already know what I mean. That's good. 1585 01:01:23,640 --> 01:01:24,800 That's helpful. 1586 01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:26,080 It's a little bit like my arse is going 1587 01:01:26,240 --> 01:01:28,800 "Oh, are we have a big clear-out? 1588 01:01:34,040 --> 01:01:36,600 I'll have a big clear-out as well, if that's alright?" 1589 01:01:40,440 --> 01:01:41,680 I feel at the beginning of my period 1590 01:01:41,840 --> 01:01:43,120 nothing could shock me. 1591 01:01:43,280 --> 01:01:44,640 Nothing could shock me. 1592 01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:46,280 If I turn round, looked down that toilet 1593 01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:47,920 there was a dead rat just floating... 1594 01:01:49,120 --> 01:01:50,640 I'd be like, "Sure, makes sense". 1595 01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:53,320 The cast of The Walking Dead, just climbing out. 1596 01:01:54,040 --> 01:01:57,000 The girl off The Ringpopping up over the side. 1597 01:01:57,160 --> 01:01:58,800 Sometimes I look down that toilet 1598 01:01:58,960 --> 01:02:02,200 looks like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. 1599 01:02:07,360 --> 01:02:09,880 I did say there would be some upsetting scenes. 1600 01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:15,760 But I feel like the, um, the pre-sex routine 1601 01:02:15,920 --> 01:02:18,280 the preparation before sex, if you like 1602 01:02:18,440 --> 01:02:21,000 is very different for men as it is for women. 1603 01:02:21,160 --> 01:02:24,960 For example, the first thing I do is I put my sex glasses on. 1604 01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:28,760 They're varifocals. 1605 01:02:32,440 --> 01:02:34,760 So I can see what's going and what's coming. 1606 01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:37,600 Maybe you try an activity. 1607 01:02:37,760 --> 01:02:38,680 A friend of mine told me her and her partner 1608 01:02:38,840 --> 01:02:40,200 tried a bit of role play 1609 01:02:40,360 --> 01:02:41,640 where they pretended they'd never met before 1610 01:02:41,800 --> 01:02:43,240 to make it a bit sexier. 1611 01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:45,320 We've done a version of that. 1612 01:02:45,640 --> 01:02:48,240 We sometimes pretend we're people who aren't tired. 1613 01:02:50,880 --> 01:02:53,200 And he pretends I'm a woman who's shaved her legs. 1614 01:02:55,920 --> 01:02:58,480 I spend proper time on the preparation though, proper time. 1615 01:02:58,640 --> 01:03:01,480 One of the first things I do, is I hack it back. 1616 01:03:03,320 --> 01:03:05,160 Some of you know what I mean. Some of you aren't so sure. 1617 01:03:05,320 --> 01:03:06,600 If you're not sure what I mean 1618 01:03:06,760 --> 01:03:08,240 I'm sure you've seen a nature documentary 1619 01:03:08,400 --> 01:03:10,760 where somebody has to clear a path with a machete. 1620 01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:12,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1621 01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:14,480 It's a bit like that. 1622 01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:16,200 Can't always see what I'm doing down there 1623 01:03:16,360 --> 01:03:17,880 there's lots of boobs and bellies in the way. 1624 01:03:18,040 --> 01:03:20,880 Sometimes I set up a complicated system of mirrors. 1625 01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:24,000 Mostly I just do it by feel. 1626 01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:26,360 And they say childbirth is painful 1627 01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:28,720 and I'm sure it is, but it can't be as bad 1628 01:03:28,880 --> 01:03:31,240 as nipping a lip in your craft scissors. 1629 01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:43,040 Even now whenever I trim the fat off bacon, I get flashbacks. 1630 01:03:48,040 --> 01:03:50,400 I don't trim the fat off bacon! 1631 01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:55,920 I treat my pre-sex routine like I'm trying to sell a house. 1632 01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:57,640 Clear away excess foliage 1633 01:03:57,800 --> 01:04:00,280 Febreze the soft furnishings... 1634 01:04:00,640 --> 01:04:01,680 familiar bread smell... 1635 01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:02,840 yeast. 1636 01:04:06,520 --> 01:04:08,440 It's different for blokes, though, isn't it? 1637 01:04:08,600 --> 01:04:10,120 In my limited experience 1638 01:04:10,280 --> 01:04:12,000 straight men just wash their cocks. 1639 01:04:12,160 --> 01:04:13,720 That's it, isn't it? Just... 1640 01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:16,440 Not even always all of it, sometimes just the end part. 1641 01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:19,440 Of course, some of them have to wash all the chalk off. 1642 01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:20,640 Ah! 1643 01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:23,520 But I said to my husband, I said 1644 01:04:23,680 --> 01:04:25,080 "Horses do more than you". 1645 01:04:25,240 --> 01:04:26,640 He said, "What"? 1646 01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:28,840 I said, "Horses do more than you". It's true. 1647 01:04:29,000 --> 01:04:30,280 I've got a friend. She's got a horse. 1648 01:04:30,440 --> 01:04:31,960 Her horse has a special lady 1649 01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:34,400 who comes out just to wash his knob. 1650 01:04:34,960 --> 01:04:37,120 I mean, how do you get into that? 1651 01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:39,200 And by that, I don't mean... 1652 01:04:39,360 --> 01:04:40,520 [IN A LUSTFUL VOICE]: "How do you get into that?" 1653 01:04:42,680 --> 01:04:44,240 Also, how at the end of your tether 1654 01:04:44,400 --> 01:04:46,440 as a careers advisor are you 1655 01:04:46,680 --> 01:04:48,560 before you slam shut your folder and go 1656 01:04:48,720 --> 01:04:50,520 [IN A DEEP VOICE]: "How are you with horses' cocks"? 1657 01:04:54,440 --> 01:04:56,480 It's done for medical reasons, done for health reasons. 1658 01:04:56,640 --> 01:04:58,400 They do it because they have to clear out what are called 1659 01:04:58,560 --> 01:04:59,400 "smeg beans"... 1660 01:04:59,560 --> 01:05:00,840 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 1661 01:05:01,000 --> 01:05:02,320 ...which are exactly what you think they are. 1662 01:05:02,480 --> 01:05:04,000 Don't they also sound a little bit like 1663 01:05:04,160 --> 01:05:05,800 something you could get from IKEA? 1664 01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:08,720 "I only went in for a nest of tables 1665 01:05:08,880 --> 01:05:11,080 came out with a massive bag of smeg beans". 1666 01:05:12,760 --> 01:05:14,320 I was trying to explain to my husband what they were 1667 01:05:14,480 --> 01:05:16,240 and I sort of nervously Googled it. 1668 01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:17,840 You know, Google has a habit of finishing 1669 01:05:18,000 --> 01:05:19,480 the rest of the search for you. 1670 01:05:19,640 --> 01:05:21,120 I typed in "smeg beans" and Google went 1671 01:05:21,280 --> 01:05:22,800 "smeg beans grinder", and I was like 1672 01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:25,360 "How bad are they that you have to grind them off?" 1673 01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:27,720 And then I realised it's a posh coffee machine, isn't it? 1674 01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:29,440 "Smeg beans grinder". 1675 01:05:29,600 --> 01:05:30,800 Ah! 1676 01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:32,280 Also explains why John Lewis had it 1677 01:05:32,440 --> 01:05:34,000 in four different colours. 1678 01:05:36,880 --> 01:05:38,160 When I had... 1679 01:05:38,520 --> 01:05:41,120 had a smear test before the first lockdown. 1680 01:05:41,280 --> 01:05:43,560 Not like my friend who had to have one during the lockdown. 1681 01:05:43,720 --> 01:05:45,680 She had awful trouble getting her fanny at the right angle 1682 01:05:45,840 --> 01:05:47,080 for the Zoom meeting. 1683 01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:54,000 And she had, as she told me 1684 01:05:54,160 --> 01:05:55,760 she'd let herself "flourish down there". 1685 01:05:55,920 --> 01:05:57,640 That's her words, not mine, she'd let herself flourish. 1686 01:05:57,800 --> 01:05:59,760 She said in order for them to see anything at all 1687 01:05:59,920 --> 01:06:01,760 she had to use a couple of scrunchies. 1688 01:06:01,920 --> 01:06:03,640 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1689 01:06:09,080 --> 01:06:11,240 I was very lucky, I had mine before the first lockdown. 1690 01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:13,000 Give me a "woo" if you've had a smear test 1691 01:06:13,160 --> 01:06:14,200 in the last three years? 1692 01:06:14,360 --> 01:06:15,640 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! 1693 01:06:15,800 --> 01:06:17,000 All very proud of ourselves, as we should be. 1694 01:06:17,160 --> 01:06:18,600 It's very important. 1695 01:06:18,760 --> 01:06:20,040 I made an appointment at the doctors, went along 1696 01:06:20,200 --> 01:06:21,720 to the doctor's surgery, went to the nurse's room 1697 01:06:21,880 --> 01:06:23,240 she pulled the curtain round, told me to get undressed. 1698 01:06:23,400 --> 01:06:25,120 All very normal so far. 1699 01:06:25,280 --> 01:06:28,000 I took off my trainers, my socks, my jeans, my knickers 1700 01:06:28,160 --> 01:06:30,360 there was a flicker of a second where I forgot where I was 1701 01:06:30,520 --> 01:06:31,760 I was quite tired that day 1702 01:06:31,920 --> 01:06:34,120 and I also took off my top and my bra. 1703 01:06:35,920 --> 01:06:37,560 I thought, I'm gonna have to really quickly 1704 01:06:37,720 --> 01:06:39,600 put these back on again or she's going to whip the curtain back 1705 01:06:39,760 --> 01:06:41,040 and think it's a date. 1706 01:06:43,200 --> 01:06:45,120 But as I was putting my top and my bra back on 1707 01:06:45,280 --> 01:06:46,840 she shouted over the top of the curtain 1708 01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:49,480 "What size speculum are you?" 1709 01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:52,760 And I thought, "Am I supposed to know that?" 1710 01:06:52,920 --> 01:06:54,320 I've got a horrible feeling 1711 01:06:54,480 --> 01:06:56,120 it's one of my security questions at the bank. 1712 01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:01,200 Cos I never know the answers to them, either. 1713 01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:04,160 I think we're all fairly worldly wise in this room here tonight 1714 01:07:04,320 --> 01:07:06,800 but if anybody genuinely doesn't know what a speculum is 1715 01:07:07,120 --> 01:07:10,000 the best way I can describe it to you, it's basically a carjack 1716 01:07:10,160 --> 01:07:11,560 but for fannies. 1717 01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:19,600 It's very much that bit. 1718 01:07:19,760 --> 01:07:20,800 It's not the bit where they go in with a spoon... 1719 01:07:20,960 --> 01:07:22,440 It's not a spoon, is it? 1720 01:07:22,600 --> 01:07:24,640 If she asked me what size spoon I was, I'd be like 1721 01:07:24,800 --> 01:07:26,200 "I'd like to think a table 1722 01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:28,400 but I've got a horrible feeling I'm a ladle". 1723 01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,800 I didn't know what size speculum I was. 1724 01:07:35,960 --> 01:07:37,480 I texted my husband cos I thought 1725 01:07:37,640 --> 01:07:39,680 "He's been down there a bit, he might have an idea". 1726 01:07:40,080 --> 01:07:42,480 He just sent back a picture of three of his fingers. 1727 01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:54,200 Or two, if you're a Polish handyman. 1728 01:07:58,720 --> 01:07:59,960 But after the smear test was over 1729 01:08:00,120 --> 01:08:01,640 I went into the reception area. 1730 01:08:01,800 --> 01:08:03,760 The lady on reception, as soon as she saw me approach 1731 01:08:03,920 --> 01:08:05,200 she said, "Well done". 1732 01:08:05,360 --> 01:08:06,960 And I thought that was lovely. 1733 01:08:07,120 --> 01:08:08,360 And I said as much. I said, "Thanks so much for saying that. 1734 01:08:08,520 --> 01:08:10,200 We all worry about these appointments 1735 01:08:10,360 --> 01:08:12,480 but they're over in seconds, only really a bit uncomfortable 1736 01:08:12,640 --> 01:08:14,240 and they're so important". 1737 01:08:14,400 --> 01:08:15,960 I said "I was worried about it, but I'm glad I've been. 1738 01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:17,719 Thanks so much for saying that. It means a lot to me". 1739 01:08:17,880 --> 01:08:19,760 She said, "What do you think I said"? 1740 01:08:21,360 --> 01:08:22,600 I said, "You said well done". 1741 01:08:22,760 --> 01:08:24,559 She said, "I said, all done." 1742 01:08:24,719 --> 01:08:26,000 Ah shit! 1743 01:08:27,440 --> 01:08:30,000 So I picked up my lolly and my sticker and I fucked off. 1744 01:08:34,000 --> 01:08:36,639 Actually, while I'm on this kind of subject 1745 01:08:36,880 --> 01:08:38,399 I've got something to tell you. 1746 01:08:38,559 --> 01:08:40,200 There's no comedy here, I need to tell you this, though. 1747 01:08:40,360 --> 01:08:42,319 I went for a mammogram. It was my first one. 1748 01:08:42,479 --> 01:08:43,880 It was routine, it was all clear. 1749 01:08:44,040 --> 01:08:45,040 The lady said to me, "Did you find 1750 01:08:45,200 --> 01:08:46,800 that it hurt very much?" 1751 01:08:46,960 --> 01:08:48,440 And I said, "No, it was just a bit uncomfortable really". 1752 01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:50,120 She said, "People always think that it hurts a lot 1753 01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:52,080 and it stops them from coming, and it's so important 1754 01:08:52,240 --> 01:08:54,160 that people come and get checked and get checked early". 1755 01:08:54,319 --> 01:08:55,800 She said, "Could you do me a favour? 1756 01:08:55,960 --> 01:08:57,160 And could you tell your friends?" 1757 01:08:57,319 --> 01:08:58,559 And I got home that night and I thought 1758 01:08:58,719 --> 01:09:00,160 "I think I can go one better than that" 1759 01:09:00,319 --> 01:09:01,800 and I can tell all of the glorious women 1760 01:09:01,960 --> 01:09:04,120 in my audiences every single night on tour 1761 01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:06,240 to get your tits checked, please. 1762 01:09:06,559 --> 01:09:08,080 No joke, just a fact. 1763 01:09:08,240 --> 01:09:10,040 It's not that bad, just get it done. 1764 01:09:10,200 --> 01:09:12,639 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 1765 01:09:17,479 --> 01:09:19,600 But we all gained weight in the last few years. Yes? 1766 01:09:19,760 --> 01:09:21,080 [AUDIENCE]: Yeah. - Yeah. 1767 01:09:21,240 --> 01:09:22,840 I decided I wanted to try and lose a bit of weight 1768 01:09:23,000 --> 01:09:24,200 just the weight I gained in the lockdown 1769 01:09:24,360 --> 01:09:25,399 That was my plan, and most people 1770 01:09:25,559 --> 01:09:27,120 when they decide to lose weight 1771 01:09:27,280 --> 01:09:28,360 there's something that starts them off, spurs them on 1772 01:09:28,520 --> 01:09:29,559 kind of keeps them going. 1773 01:09:29,719 --> 01:09:31,200 Maybe there's a holiday photo 1774 01:09:31,360 --> 01:09:33,040 and they don't quite like how they look in it. 1775 01:09:33,200 --> 01:09:35,040 Or maybe they're sitting in a bath of gravy 1776 01:09:35,200 --> 01:09:37,440 and it's not even for Children in Need. 1777 01:09:39,160 --> 01:09:41,160 For me, it was when I sat on a public toilet 1778 01:09:41,319 --> 01:09:43,920 and the sanny bin opened and I hadn't asked it to. 1779 01:09:45,760 --> 01:09:46,960 "Did you want me?" 1780 01:09:47,120 --> 01:09:49,440 No, but my arse cheeks seem to disagree. 1781 01:09:50,440 --> 01:09:51,800 But I tried really hard. I tried really hard. 1782 01:09:51,960 --> 01:09:53,399 And I lost two stone. That's alright, isn't it? 1783 01:09:53,559 --> 01:09:54,920 I lost two stone. That's pretty good. 1784 01:09:55,080 --> 01:09:56,320 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] - Oh, that's very kind of you. 1785 01:09:56,480 --> 01:09:57,719 Thank you. 1786 01:09:57,920 --> 01:09:59,240 I say two stone, it was the same half a stone 1787 01:09:59,400 --> 01:10:01,120 four different times. 1788 01:10:02,520 --> 01:10:03,680 Nobody gives a shit 1789 01:10:03,840 --> 01:10:05,280 if you tell them you've lost half a stone. 1790 01:10:05,440 --> 01:10:07,120 Everybody knows it's just two big dinners 1791 01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:08,520 and a chocolate orange 1792 01:10:08,680 --> 01:10:10,200 and the fucker's back on again, isn't it? 1793 01:10:11,000 --> 01:10:12,040 But I've always had a belly 1794 01:10:12,200 --> 01:10:13,520 even when I was much, much slimmer. 1795 01:10:13,680 --> 01:10:14,880 I've always had a belly. I always get offended 1796 01:10:15,040 --> 01:10:16,400 when people think that this is pregnant 1797 01:10:16,559 --> 01:10:18,920 like I would ever let a pregnancy get this far! 1798 01:10:19,080 --> 01:10:20,840 No! 1799 01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:23,719 But I did a thing the January before last 1800 01:10:23,880 --> 01:10:25,680 that I think a lot of people do, especially in January 1801 01:10:25,840 --> 01:10:28,240 I downloaded a diet app. 1802 01:10:28,400 --> 01:10:29,639 Now, the phone I was using at the time was 1803 01:10:29,800 --> 01:10:31,120 a thumb-recognition phone. 1804 01:10:31,280 --> 01:10:32,600 It didn't immediately recognise my thumb. 1805 01:10:32,760 --> 01:10:34,240 It just kept juddering. 1806 01:10:34,400 --> 01:10:35,719 First of all, I thought my phone was just really clever 1807 01:10:35,880 --> 01:10:37,240 and it was like "It's a diet app. 1808 01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:39,160 We have clearly been stolen". 1809 01:10:39,480 --> 01:10:40,719 And then I looked at my thumb 1810 01:10:40,880 --> 01:10:42,520 and it was just covered in biscuit. 1811 01:10:44,400 --> 01:10:45,840 So I licked the biscuit off cos I thought 1812 01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:47,160 it might be my last biscuit in a while 1813 01:10:47,320 --> 01:10:49,360 and I downloaded the diet app. 1814 01:10:49,520 --> 01:10:50,840 What came with the diet app 1815 01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:52,760 was a WhatsApp group of other participants. 1816 01:10:52,920 --> 01:10:54,760 It was open to all, but my group happened to be all women 1817 01:10:54,920 --> 01:10:56,160 and it was so we could support each other 1818 01:10:56,320 --> 01:10:57,680 and help each other. 1819 01:10:57,840 --> 01:10:59,360 Everybody knows diets are hard, and a bit shit. 1820 01:10:59,520 --> 01:11:02,040 Also in the WhatsApp group was a nutritionist 1821 01:11:02,280 --> 01:11:05,160 who was no fun at all, it transpired. 1822 01:11:05,400 --> 01:11:07,440 One of the women asked a question of the rest of us 1823 01:11:07,600 --> 01:11:09,000 a perfectly reasonable question 1824 01:11:09,160 --> 01:11:11,040 especially on day one of a new diet. 1825 01:11:11,240 --> 01:11:12,800 She said, "I'm having trouble with my sweet craving. 1826 01:11:12,960 --> 01:11:15,080 Can anybody recommend something that isn't bad for me 1827 01:11:15,240 --> 01:11:16,800 but will help?" 1828 01:11:16,960 --> 01:11:18,559 And one of the other women responded almost immediately 1829 01:11:18,719 --> 01:11:21,559 and she said, "I usually find a mug of hot water 1830 01:11:21,719 --> 01:11:25,000 with one small drop of lemon works for me". 1831 01:11:25,160 --> 01:11:26,480 And I just thought 1832 01:11:26,639 --> 01:11:28,320 "I'm not going to make it to the end of the week". 1833 01:11:29,800 --> 01:11:32,080 My suggestion was going to be half a Twix. 1834 01:11:34,280 --> 01:11:36,160 Then the nutritionist, she was called Poppy 1835 01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:38,080 of course she fucking was... 1836 01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:40,520 she said, "Can I just chip in?" 1837 01:11:40,680 --> 01:11:42,080 And I misread it and I was like 1838 01:11:42,240 --> 01:11:44,520 "Chips! Hooray! Nom, nom, nom". 1839 01:11:45,600 --> 01:11:47,200 She said, "Just brush your teeth. 1840 01:11:47,360 --> 01:11:48,680 That fixes everything." I thought, that's so unhelpful. 1841 01:11:48,840 --> 01:11:50,160 The only thing that would help this hunger 1842 01:11:50,320 --> 01:11:51,920 if I could eat me fucking toothbrush 1843 01:11:52,080 --> 01:11:53,840 cos I'm so hungry right now. 1844 01:11:54,000 --> 01:11:55,080 You daft cow. 1845 01:11:56,080 --> 01:11:57,760 Cows... yum, yum, yum. 1846 01:11:59,040 --> 01:12:00,719 There were some recipes that came with the diet. 1847 01:12:00,880 --> 01:12:02,040 I tried one of them. 1848 01:12:02,200 --> 01:12:03,520 It was how to make banana pancakes 1849 01:12:03,680 --> 01:12:06,160 out of almost no ingredients. 1850 01:12:06,360 --> 01:12:09,040 The first time I tried them, just looked like vomit in a pan. 1851 01:12:09,360 --> 01:12:11,760 Second time managed to make them look a lot more like pancakes 1852 01:12:11,920 --> 01:12:13,440 and I was so excited 1853 01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:15,800 and a little bit light-headed from all of the hunger 1854 01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:17,800 that when I ran from the kitchen to show my husband 1855 01:12:17,960 --> 01:12:20,760 I tripped and the plate smashed on the floor 1856 01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:23,160 but because it was a really low point in the diet for me... 1857 01:12:23,320 --> 01:12:24,760 let's call it "day two" 1858 01:12:26,400 --> 01:12:28,320 I ate them off the floor! 1859 01:12:29,400 --> 01:12:31,840 Then I had to check to see if the fragments of plate 1860 01:12:32,000 --> 01:12:34,240 and cat hair I'd also ingested 1861 01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:36,639 counted as my sins for the week. 1862 01:12:38,320 --> 01:12:39,840 One of the women in the group got told off. 1863 01:12:40,000 --> 01:12:41,120 Told off, as an adult 1864 01:12:41,280 --> 01:12:43,000 got told off for eating goji berries. 1865 01:12:43,160 --> 01:12:44,480 If you've never had goji berries 1866 01:12:44,639 --> 01:12:46,480 it's like chewing elastic bands. 1867 01:12:46,760 --> 01:12:48,440 She got told off because goji berries are... 1868 01:12:48,600 --> 01:12:50,280 [IN A SMUG VOICE]: "...full of natural sugar 1869 01:12:50,440 --> 01:12:52,200 not really allowed on this plan". 1870 01:12:52,360 --> 01:12:53,719 She wasn't having Coco Pops 1871 01:12:53,880 --> 01:12:55,559 with cider poured on. 1872 01:12:56,200 --> 01:12:59,440 She was having goji berries on her Bran Flakes. 1873 01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:03,440 Some sad sprinkled on some more fucking sad. 1874 01:13:03,600 --> 01:13:05,840 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1875 01:13:07,200 --> 01:13:08,920 I got told off for calling it a diet. 1876 01:13:09,080 --> 01:13:11,080 What I actually said was, "I fucking hate this diet". 1877 01:13:11,240 --> 01:13:13,000 [IN A SMUG VOICE]: "We don't like to call it a diet. 1878 01:13:13,160 --> 01:13:14,559 We prefer to call it a way of life". 1879 01:13:14,719 --> 01:13:17,040 So I said, "I fucking hate this way of life!" 1880 01:13:18,200 --> 01:13:19,280 She was right, though 1881 01:13:19,440 --> 01:13:20,600 cos it was also my way of life 1882 01:13:20,760 --> 01:13:22,719 from the 3rd to the 5th of January. 1883 01:13:24,040 --> 01:13:25,320 But I started to ask questions. 1884 01:13:25,480 --> 01:13:26,760 You've got a nutritionist at your fingertips 1885 01:13:26,920 --> 01:13:28,520 why wouldn't you try and learn something? 1886 01:13:28,680 --> 01:13:30,360 I said, "I've got some questions for you, Poppy. Is that OK?" 1887 01:13:30,520 --> 01:13:32,639 She said, "Fire away, anything you like". 1888 01:13:32,800 --> 01:13:33,960 I said, "I've had a cherry 1889 01:13:34,120 --> 01:13:35,639 now, I thought it was OK cos it's fruit 1890 01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:37,559 but now I'm not too sure, it was on top of a Bakewell. 1891 01:13:37,719 --> 01:13:39,000 Is that OK?" 1892 01:13:41,760 --> 01:13:44,719 I've had an apple. Are apples full of natural sugar as well? 1893 01:13:44,880 --> 01:13:46,200 It was surrounded by something called... 1894 01:13:46,360 --> 01:13:47,120 What was it called? 1895 01:13:47,280 --> 01:13:48,880 Crumble, is that alright? 1896 01:13:51,040 --> 01:13:52,800 I've had a banana, are bananas allowed? 1897 01:13:52,960 --> 01:13:54,559 I mean, I ate it out of a strippers crotch. 1898 01:13:54,719 --> 01:13:56,160 Is that alright? 1899 01:13:56,960 --> 01:13:58,120 She said that was fine. 1900 01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:00,719 Then I explained it was covered in cream. 1901 01:14:00,880 --> 01:14:01,760 I think it was cream. 1902 01:14:01,920 --> 01:14:03,440 I couldn't be sure, it was dark. 1903 01:14:03,600 --> 01:14:05,719 [AUDIENCE GROANS] - [SARAH LAUGHS] 1904 01:14:09,040 --> 01:14:11,719 But the final straw for me on my last day on the diet 1905 01:14:11,880 --> 01:14:13,360 or day three 1906 01:14:13,600 --> 01:14:15,920 was when Poppy came on the WhatsApp group and she said 1907 01:14:16,080 --> 01:14:17,120 [IN A SMUG VOICE]: "Hey, girls"... 1908 01:14:17,280 --> 01:14:18,639 Which always pissed me off 1909 01:14:18,800 --> 01:14:19,680 because we're all women in our 40s and 50s. 1910 01:14:19,840 --> 01:14:21,200 Fuck off with your "girls". 1911 01:14:21,360 --> 01:14:22,840 [SMUG VOICE]: "Hey, girls, can I just check 1912 01:14:23,000 --> 01:14:25,880 if you all definitely challenged yourselves this week?" 1913 01:14:26,120 --> 01:14:27,680 And I was the first to respond, I said 1914 01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:29,960 "I've challenged myself, Poppy". 1915 01:14:30,520 --> 01:14:32,520 She said, "Oh good, please share it with a group". 1916 01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:33,960 I said, "Gladly". 1917 01:14:34,400 --> 01:14:35,680 I said, "I challenged myself" 1918 01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:37,480 I said "I walked into Asda. 1919 01:14:37,960 --> 01:14:39,520 I went to the 'whoops' section. 1920 01:14:39,960 --> 01:14:41,639 I found two Belgian buns 1921 01:14:41,800 --> 01:14:43,000 that had to be eaten by midnight 1922 01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:44,400 and I fucking did it!" 1923 01:14:53,400 --> 01:14:54,760 I was going to say, "And I'd do it again!" 1924 01:14:54,920 --> 01:14:57,480 But I have, several times over since then. 1925 01:14:57,680 --> 01:14:59,559 I've got a friend who's got really nice hands 1926 01:14:59,719 --> 01:15:01,360 and people often compliment her on her hands 1927 01:15:01,520 --> 01:15:02,680 and they say things like 1928 01:15:02,840 --> 01:15:04,880 "Haven't you got piano-player fingers?" 1929 01:15:05,040 --> 01:15:07,200 Which I think is such a weird thing to say to somebody. 1930 01:15:07,360 --> 01:15:09,120 Nobody ever looks at my hands and says 1931 01:15:09,280 --> 01:15:11,559 "Haven't you got tuba-player fingers?" 1932 01:15:11,719 --> 01:15:13,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1933 01:15:13,600 --> 01:15:14,880 Do you play the sausages? 1934 01:15:15,559 --> 01:15:16,600 Sometimes. 1935 01:15:17,559 --> 01:15:19,480 The only instrument I've ever been able to play 1936 01:15:19,639 --> 01:15:21,160 is the recorder. 1937 01:15:21,320 --> 01:15:22,480 Give me a "woo" if you learnt the recorder as a kid? 1938 01:15:22,639 --> 01:15:23,880 [AUDIENCE]: Woo! 1939 01:15:24,040 --> 01:15:25,280 I like the idea of the recorder 1940 01:15:25,440 --> 01:15:26,639 cos I think it's made to be so simple 1941 01:15:26,800 --> 01:15:28,080 you can decide if you want to pursue 1942 01:15:28,240 --> 01:15:29,400 other instruments off the back of it or not. 1943 01:15:29,559 --> 01:15:31,080 Can anybody shout out any of the songs 1944 01:15:31,240 --> 01:15:32,800 that they learnt on their recorder? 1945 01:15:32,960 --> 01:15:34,360 [AUDIENCE SHOUTS] - London's Burning? 1946 01:15:34,520 --> 01:15:35,960 Frère Jacques?What else? 1947 01:15:36,320 --> 01:15:37,520 Three Blind Mice. 1948 01:15:37,800 --> 01:15:39,120 Little? Little Donkey! 1949 01:15:39,280 --> 01:15:40,680 There was a lady the other day shouted out 1950 01:15:40,840 --> 01:15:42,360 [IN A POSH VOICE]: "Handel's Water Music". 1951 01:15:43,639 --> 01:15:45,240 Alright, fucking Cambridge! 1952 01:15:47,680 --> 01:15:49,800 I would like to say thank you to you glorious people 1953 01:15:49,960 --> 01:15:51,559 for coming and spending your evening with me 1954 01:15:51,719 --> 01:15:54,760 by playing some of those songs that you just shouted out. 1955 01:15:54,920 --> 01:15:56,200 Now, slight problem. 1956 01:15:56,360 --> 01:15:58,000 And I am genuinely embarrassed by this... 1957 01:15:58,160 --> 01:15:59,680 I'm putting it down to the fact that I've just had a break 1958 01:15:59,840 --> 01:16:01,800 off tour, I'm not quite back in the swing of things 1959 01:16:01,960 --> 01:16:03,960 but I forgot to bring my recorder. 1960 01:16:04,440 --> 01:16:05,800 Don't worry. I'm a professional. 1961 01:16:05,960 --> 01:16:08,360 I'm going to see if I can just busk it, without. 1962 01:16:08,880 --> 01:16:10,520 And so I heard Frère Jacques at the back there 1963 01:16:10,680 --> 01:16:12,160 Let's start with that one, um... 1964 01:16:12,440 --> 01:16:13,880 [SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]: ♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho ♪ 1965 01:16:14,040 --> 01:16:15,480 ♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho ♪ 1966 01:16:15,639 --> 01:16:16,840 That's alright. That'll do, won't it? 1967 01:16:17,000 --> 01:16:18,360 Will that do? Yeah. 1968 01:16:18,520 --> 01:16:19,760 We had a London's Burning round the front as well. 1969 01:16:19,920 --> 01:16:21,280 Let's do that one, uh... 1970 01:16:21,800 --> 01:16:23,080 [SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]: ♪ Ho-ho ha-ha ♪ 1971 01:16:23,240 --> 01:16:24,400 ♪ Ho-ho ha-ha ♪ 1972 01:16:24,559 --> 01:16:26,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1973 01:16:28,840 --> 01:16:30,960 I think my favourite one will always be Three Blind Mice 1974 01:16:31,120 --> 01:16:32,200 cos I think it's the easiest. 1975 01:16:32,360 --> 01:16:33,800 I don't know, let's find out. 1976 01:16:33,960 --> 01:16:35,280 [SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]: ♪ Hee her hoo ♪ 1977 01:16:35,559 --> 01:16:36,960 ♪ Hee her hoo ♪ It's quite easy, isn't it? 1978 01:16:37,120 --> 01:16:38,559 ♪ Hee her hoo! ♪ It's just a bit higher. 1979 01:16:38,719 --> 01:16:39,920 ♪ Hee her hoo ♪ Same line again. 1980 01:16:40,080 --> 01:16:41,639 ♪ Ho haa ha-ha-ho-ha haa ho-ho ♪ 1981 01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:43,880 Fucking hell, that got hard very quickly. 1982 01:16:51,719 --> 01:16:53,400 The people right at the back upstairs 1983 01:16:53,559 --> 01:16:55,160 are like, "There's no way she hasn't got a recorder. 1984 01:16:55,320 --> 01:16:56,800 This sounds amazing". 1985 01:16:58,960 --> 01:17:00,120 I was in... 1986 01:17:00,280 --> 01:17:02,000 I was in Australia a few years ago 1987 01:17:02,160 --> 01:17:04,800 on my way back from Melbourne in quite a fancy airport lounge 1988 01:17:04,960 --> 01:17:08,280 and I went to the ladies' loos which were spotless and silent. 1989 01:17:08,880 --> 01:17:10,520 Now, as an IBS sufferer... 1990 01:17:10,880 --> 01:17:12,680 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1991 01:17:13,280 --> 01:17:15,480 a silent toilet is not my friend. 1992 01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:18,559 I'm seriously considering employing a man and a trumpet 1993 01:17:18,719 --> 01:17:20,360 to just follow me round. 1994 01:17:22,000 --> 01:17:23,360 It was spotless and silent. 1995 01:17:23,520 --> 01:17:24,680 I took from that at least there's nobody else in 1996 01:17:24,840 --> 01:17:26,160 and I did what could only be described 1997 01:17:26,320 --> 01:17:28,400 as thunderous diarrhoea. 1998 01:17:28,960 --> 01:17:31,760 The sort of shit you need a breather afterwards. 1999 01:17:32,559 --> 01:17:33,960 Which is exactly what I did. 2000 01:17:34,120 --> 01:17:36,280 I sat back, some would say slumped 2001 01:17:36,440 --> 01:17:39,400 against the toilet like it was a fucking armchair. 2002 01:17:40,520 --> 01:17:41,800 And that's when I heard 2003 01:17:41,960 --> 01:17:44,400 [IN AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]: Is everything OK? 2004 01:17:50,360 --> 01:17:52,120 Luckily I stayed quiet for long enough 2005 01:17:52,280 --> 01:17:53,680 to realise she was on her phone. 2006 01:17:53,840 --> 01:17:55,840 Can you imagine if I'd replied? 2007 01:17:57,280 --> 01:17:59,160 "Oh, I've just pebble dashed, but I've got wet wipes 2008 01:17:59,320 --> 01:18:00,719 don't worry about me". 2009 01:18:03,280 --> 01:18:04,800 But it reminded me of a time when I was in the car 2010 01:18:04,960 --> 01:18:06,639 with my sister. She was driving. 2011 01:18:06,800 --> 01:18:07,960 I was in the passenger seat. 2012 01:18:08,120 --> 01:18:09,440 She asked me a question. 2013 01:18:09,600 --> 01:18:11,920 While I was thinking of my response, I farted. 2014 01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:13,719 Because I have no thigh gap 2015 01:18:13,880 --> 01:18:15,760 it really has to force its way through. 2016 01:18:16,520 --> 01:18:19,040 It essentially sort of quacked its way to freedom. 2017 01:18:28,639 --> 01:18:29,960 And my sister went, "Exactly!" 2018 01:18:30,120 --> 01:18:32,400 And I don't know what she thinks I answered. 2019 01:18:40,639 --> 01:18:42,520 I've got one more thing to tell you, but before I do 2020 01:18:42,680 --> 01:18:45,760 I just want to thank you, I fucking love doing my job 2021 01:18:45,920 --> 01:18:47,400 and it's been an absolute pleasure 2022 01:18:47,559 --> 01:18:48,880 to do it for you guys tonight. 2023 01:18:49,040 --> 01:18:50,559 I'm so glad that you came 2024 01:18:50,760 --> 01:18:52,200 and were here for this recording. 2025 01:18:52,360 --> 01:18:54,880 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] - Thank you so much. 2026 01:18:57,280 --> 01:18:58,360 Thank you. 2027 01:19:01,600 --> 01:19:04,600 I tried in the lockdown, I think a lot of people were doing this 2028 01:19:04,760 --> 01:19:05,800 to eat a bit more healthily 2029 01:19:05,960 --> 01:19:07,280 I was trying occasionally 2030 01:19:07,440 --> 01:19:09,559 to make vegetables a bit more interesting. 2031 01:19:09,719 --> 01:19:12,080 And what I did, I bought myself a mandolin. 2032 01:19:12,240 --> 01:19:15,160 Now, to avoid the confusion, I do mean the vegetable slicer 2033 01:19:15,320 --> 01:19:18,120 not the musical instrument. I wasn't thinking 2034 01:19:18,280 --> 01:19:20,240 "You know what would jazz these carrots up? 2035 01:19:21,559 --> 01:19:24,639 If somebody's playing a lovely tune behind me in the kitchen". 2036 01:19:24,920 --> 01:19:26,440 The vegetable slicer, you will have seen them. 2037 01:19:26,600 --> 01:19:28,080 I ordered it. It arrived. 2038 01:19:28,240 --> 01:19:30,520 I threw away the instructions. How hard can it be? 2039 01:19:30,920 --> 01:19:32,800 I also genuinely threw away something called 2040 01:19:32,960 --> 01:19:34,320 a finger protector. 2041 01:19:34,480 --> 01:19:36,080 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 2042 01:19:36,240 --> 01:19:38,240 Turns out that bit was quite important 2043 01:19:38,400 --> 01:19:41,000 and I sliced the top of my finger off. 2044 01:19:41,280 --> 01:19:42,920 I took it in a bag of ice to the hospital. 2045 01:19:43,080 --> 01:19:44,400 That's what they do in the films, isn't it? 2046 01:19:44,559 --> 01:19:45,840 I took it in a bag of ice to the hospital. 2047 01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:48,160 It was perched on a slice of courgette. 2048 01:19:49,280 --> 01:19:52,080 Like a small pink frog on a lily pad. 2049 01:19:52,240 --> 01:19:53,680 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 2050 01:19:53,840 --> 01:19:55,800 I handed it to the lovely nurse in A&E. 2051 01:19:55,960 --> 01:19:57,320 She took it off me, she looked puzzled. 2052 01:19:57,480 --> 01:19:58,800 I thought, "She's working out whether or not 2053 01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:00,719 we can reattach my finger end." 2054 01:20:00,880 --> 01:20:02,760 She studied it for way too long. 2055 01:20:02,920 --> 01:20:04,080 Then she turned back to me. 2056 01:20:04,240 --> 01:20:05,520 She still looked puzzled 2057 01:20:05,680 --> 01:20:06,760 and she went... 2058 01:20:07,280 --> 01:20:08,880 "What were you having for your tea"? 2059 01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:10,559 That was her confusion! 2060 01:20:11,920 --> 01:20:13,280 And then she just dropped it in the bin. 2061 01:20:13,440 --> 01:20:14,800 I said, "Are we not reattaching it"? 2062 01:20:14,960 --> 01:20:16,960 She said, "No, it'll grow back". 2063 01:20:17,120 --> 01:20:18,600 And I didn't believe her but it has. 2064 01:20:18,760 --> 01:20:20,680 It's my middle finger. It's not even a weird shape. 2065 01:20:20,920 --> 01:20:23,520 I mean, it grew back, how fucking Wolverine is that, eh? 2066 01:20:24,440 --> 01:20:25,639 I mean, I was trying to lose weight 2067 01:20:25,800 --> 01:20:28,040 just not fucking chunk by chunk. 2068 01:20:29,639 --> 01:20:31,840 And the only way I know it's not 100% normal is that 2069 01:20:32,000 --> 01:20:33,400 it's a little bit too sensitive 2070 01:20:33,559 --> 01:20:35,280 and it's a little bit too tingly. 2071 01:20:35,440 --> 01:20:37,800 For a while, I thought my clitoris had moved. 2072 01:20:37,960 --> 01:20:38,920 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 2073 01:20:39,080 --> 01:20:40,040 Ah! 2074 01:20:40,200 --> 01:20:41,400 Ah! 2075 01:20:41,559 --> 01:20:44,040 Ahhhh! 2076 01:20:44,200 --> 01:20:45,559 You guys have been amazing. 2077 01:20:45,719 --> 01:20:47,280 Thank you so much for coming. Lots of love. 2078 01:20:47,559 --> 01:20:50,480 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 2079 01:20:53,320 --> 01:20:55,120 Thank you very much. Good night! 150252

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