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[ANNOUNCER]: Please welcome
to the stage, Sarah Millican!
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_
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[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
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Thank you very much.
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Ah...
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So great to see you all,
thank you.
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[SHE LAUGHS]
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Thank you very much.
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How the fuck are you?
Are you well?
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[AUDIENCE]:
Yes.
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Give me a cheer if you're
on the top level?
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[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
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That's pretty good.
Middle level?
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[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
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Downstairs.
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[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
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We're all here.
Let's get fucking cracking.
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I always like to start every
show but letting you know
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what time we'll finish.
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I don't know if you're like me
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I suspect some of you are
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but every time I go anywhere
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or do anything
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I want to know,
"What time will it end?"
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I'm always planning
on having a lovely time
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but I also want to know
what time
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I can take
my fucking bra off.
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So we'll finish
probably about 10:30
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have your bra off by what?
10:35?
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Is that alright? Yes.
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Just to clarify, I do not mind
if you take your bra off
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during the show.
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As far as I'm concerned,
it's just more clapping for me.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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[SARAH GIGGLES]
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Go on.
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Quite a lot of you
have started early!
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Thank you very much
for the clapping and cheering
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when I came out,
much appreciated. I love that.
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I need that.
I'm so fucking needy.
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Also, there was
a bit of wooing.
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I love the wooing,
it's a certain kind of person
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when lights go out, they just
can't fucking help themselves.
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"Woo, something's happening!"
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Which is lovely for me,
but what I want to know is
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how do those people go to bed?
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Do you think they turn
their bedside lamp off
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and they're like,
"Ooh, something's happening!"
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And their partner's like,
"It's Monday night.
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Nothing's fucking happening!"
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[SARAH GIGGLES]
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I, uh...
Are we drinking tonight?
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Are you drinking?
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[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Some of you are.
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Some of you aren't.
Fair enough.
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I've got a friend
who drinks quite a lot.
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That already sounds quite judgy,
doesn't it?
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I don't mean it to.
She's one of those people...
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You know those people
who say things like
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"It's seven o'clock somewhere".
You know those people?
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And I have to go,
"Yeah, Brenda
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but it's still
fucking noon here".
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Problem is I can't be so judgy
with her anymore
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cos I'm the same with cake.
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Whenever I have a slice of cake
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I always think, "Well, it's
somebody's birthday".
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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And it is always
somebody's birthday.
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Only the other day I had a slice
of lemon drizzle cake and I sang
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♪ Happy Birthday, dear Enya ♪
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You're very lucky, though.
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A few months ago I was
in Worthing on the south coast
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and I had to sing
♪ Happy Birthday... ♪
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♪ ...Myra Hindley ♪
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Oooh!
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She was the only famous person
who had a birthday that day.
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Shit!
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So, to avoid that,
I'm now on a mailing list.
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I get an email every day,
letting me know
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which famous birthdays
are happening that day.
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When it first came through,
I scrolled back
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to the end of May
when it's my birthday.
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I thought, I'll have a look,
see if I'm on the list.
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I'm not on the list!
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I'm not famous enough to be
on the list. Cheeky fuckers!
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I mean, Enya, fair enough
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but put me ahead of
Myra fucking Hindley!
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Jesus Christ!
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Well, the venue asked me to read
something aloud to you
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at the very start of the show,
and I totally forgot
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so let's do that now.
Obviously, we live
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in a slightly different world
now, as we all know
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so let's just read this,
get it out of the way
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and then we can crack on
with the jokes.
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So, this is from the venue.
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"Warning...
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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...this show contains
moderate swearing
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sexual references
and some upsetting scenes".
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[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- [SARAH CHUCKLES]
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That's a great response.
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"That's why we came".
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I've noticed fairly recently
that some compliments are shit.
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So, compliments are supposed
to make you feel nice, right?
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Some of them start really well
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and then partway through,
they just fucking turn on you.
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I'll give you an example.
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A friend of mine said,
"I like your hair..."
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and I was all ready to say,
"Oh, thanks very much!"
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And she said, "...like that".
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What the fuck does
that bit mean?
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So you thought it looked shit
yesterday, bitch
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is that what you're saying?
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All I'm suggesting
is that we start shortening
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our compliments.
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Next time you're paying
somebody compliment
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if partway through
they're smiling
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back the fuck away,
you've done your job.
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I'll give you two examples.
You could say
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"You look great..."
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and don't bother adding
on the end, "...for your age".
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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Or you could say,
"That feels amazing..."
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and don't bother
adding on the end
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"...considering
the lack of girth".
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS]
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[THEY CHEER]
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It's one of the reasons
I named my show "Bobby Dazzler".
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I should explain, though.
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When I first named my show
"Bobby Dazzler"
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I genuinely thought it was
a universally understood term.
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It is fucking not.
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I did a show in Iceland.
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In Iceland!
Yes, the country.
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Who said that, "the country?"
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Yes, the fucking country!
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Didn't even shout it out,
just whispered into your friend
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"The country?"
Yes, the fucking country!
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"No, she did two nights
in Dartford
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and then just a freezer shop
the next day.
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It was really weird".
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Did a show in Reykjavik
in Iceland
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and 100% of the audience
thought "Bobby Dazzler" was
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the name of my support act.
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And when I brought somebody
else out
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they were all like,
"Oh, Bobby must have Covid!"
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Well, if you don't know
the term "Bobby Dazzler"
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it's a really pure compliment.
It's lovely.
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If somebody calls you one,
it just means
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you look excellent,
or you are excellent. That's it.
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Also, I don't think there are
many compliments
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that can equally describe
a child in new wellies...
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"Who's a Bobby Dazzler?"
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...and a brand new erection.
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"Now, that is a Bobby Dazzler".
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Boi-oi-oi-oing.
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Boi-oi-oi-oing.
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Wah, wah, wah.
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Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah,
wah, wah, wah, wah.
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[AUDIENCE ERUPTS]
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Some of you might have noticed
I've got new glasses.
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I went to the optician.
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I went into the little room
with the lady on the computer.
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She brought my record up
on the screen, and she said
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"Can I ask you a question?"
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I said, "Yes, of course".
She said...
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"Have you been going
somewhere else?"
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And I thought,
I've never been accused
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of cheating
on me optician before.
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I said, "No, why?"
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She said, "You haven't had
your eyes tested since 2012".
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It's quite a long time ago.
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Which surprised me.
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I've been wearing glasses
since I was six years old.
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Give me a "woo"
if you also wear glasses?
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[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
- Loads of you.
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Maybe some of you are like me.
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I normally love an eye test
cos to me it's a fun quiz
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and then I can see again,
like, what's not to like?
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But I always forget the bit
they do at the beginning.
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The sort of health check
that they do now
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where they kind of
blow on your eyes.
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Well, it's the machine.
It's not the lady, is it?
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That'd be creepy as fuck
if she just lent in and went...
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[SHE BLOWS]
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She said, "Good news, your eyes
are in perfect health".
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I said,
"Good. I'm glad something is
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cos I'm 47 and things
are starting to sort of hang
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and unravel and dribble a bit".
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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It's one of the reasons
I've got leggings on tonight.
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Very absorbent.
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My advice to the front row is
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just breathe with
your mouths tonight.
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That's my advice.
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No sniffy-sniffy.
All mouthy-mouthy.
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Then we got on to
the actual eye test itself.
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She did the bit where they say,
"Is it clearer now?
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And now?
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And now?
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And now?"
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I don't think they tell them
at optician school
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that like 90%
of their future job
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is going to be finding
fancier ways of saying
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00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,120
"And now".
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00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:04,680
[MYSTERIOUSLY]:
And now.
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[VERY QUICKLY]:
I now.
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[GASPING]:
And... Oh! Oh! Now!
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Too far! That one's too far.
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Then she did the bit
with the circles.
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00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:14,880
Remember this bit?
Where they say
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00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,120
the circle's darker on the red
or on the green?
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00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,800
Or on the green or on the red?
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00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,720
Then she said, "I want you
to read that bottom line".
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00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,320
I said, "Not a problem".
I looked at it.
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It was very small.
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00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,280
I said it might be
a bit of guesswork.
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She said, "That's alright,
just try your best".
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00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,200
So I studied it and I went...
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"J"?
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00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,320
And then I looked at her face
to see if I was nailing it
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cos you do that, don't you?
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She was very professional.
I could not tell.
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I went back to a "J"
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00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,840
and then I went, "B"
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00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:40,679
and she said,
"Can I just stop you there?
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00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,039
They're numbers".
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00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,360
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,440
But I explained to her
that my husband was
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00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:49,760
also in having an eye test.
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00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,160
He'd gone in five minutes
ahead of me
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00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,640
with a different optician,
obviously.
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00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,320
I said, "I think
he's probably done by now".
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00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,760
She said, "Oh, he's
definitely done by now".
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00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,600
I said, "Why did you say it
like that?"
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00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:03,200
She said, "We've been
in here a really long time".
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00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,160
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:06,960
I said, "Why?"
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00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:08,360
She said, "Well, if you came
a bit more often
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00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,400
I wouldn't have
so much to tell you".
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00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,160
Alright, arsey cow.
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00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,200
So, I came out
and my husband was there
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00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,000
waiting for ages.
Sure enough, all done
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00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,640
and we worked out
it was eight years
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00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,400
since his last appointment
and nine for me
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00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,080
so he wasn't much
better than I was.
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00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,560
I said, "What did they say
about your eyes?
249
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,280
What was the verdict?"
250
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:25,920
He said, "Oh, they said
they're pretty much the same.
251
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,520
In fact, if anything,
they might be a bit better".
252
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,880
Fucking better? Fucking better!
253
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,640
Whose eyes improve with age?
254
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,960
It's not fucking Wolverine.
255
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,880
But this is exactly the same
when we go to the dentist
256
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,320
cos he's got really good teeth.
257
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,640
Never needs anything doing.
258
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,280
Sometimes they do
a scrape and polish
259
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,640
so he can feel like he's joining
in on the experience.
260
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,000
I have terrible teeth.
261
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,480
Whenever I go
to the dentist, I ask
262
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,280
"How many fillings do I need?"
263
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,680
Cos it's always
at least one.
264
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,840
I have,
and I don't think this is common
265
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,560
a loyalty card at the dentist.
266
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,400
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
267
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,320
I can tell from your response
it's not common at all, is it?
268
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,720
It's a little bit of cardboard.
It's got all my teeth drawn on.
269
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,520
Every time I get a filling,
they colour another one in.
270
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,800
And when it's full,
I get diabetes.
271
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,440
The last time my husband had
a scrape and polish
272
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:16,640
he went to pay afterwards
273
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,000
and the lady said,
"No, no...
274
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,400
you can have this one
free of charge
275
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,840
because your wife
is such a good customer".
276
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:27,160
His eyes are improving,
his teeth are always fine.
277
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,440
I've got a horrible feeling
that we're turning
278
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,120
into Richard and Judy.
279
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,040
It's harsh, but you know
what I mean, don't you?
280
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,240
I don't think Judy Finnigan is
ageing badly.
281
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,720
I think she's ageing normally.
282
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,120
He, I think, is drinking
the blood of a virgin.
283
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:42,680
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
284
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,440
The reason she looks
like she does
285
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,520
is because she's got to deal
with his shit every fucking day.
286
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,520
Every time
he opens his mouth to talk
287
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,720
we all cringe, don't we?
What's he going to say?
288
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,960
She's just glad
he's not going down on her.
289
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,120
[SARAH CHUCKLES]
290
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,040
There's an image
for you all to take home.
291
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,200
You're welcome.
292
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,240
But my husband said, "That's
what they said about my eyes.
293
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,800
What did they say
about your eyes?"
294
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,600
I said, "Oh, I need
different pairs of glasses
295
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,360
for so many different things.
296
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,560
I've got drivers.
I've got readers.
297
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,360
These are the ones I have to
wear if I want to eat a Twix.
298
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,200
These are the ones I wear
for meeting a friend
299
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,640
but if I see her ahead of time
300
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,360
or I give a little wave
across the street
301
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,560
it's different
fucking glasses!
302
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,600
So I'm gonna have so many chains
around my neck
303
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,680
I'm going to look like
Mr. fucking T".
304
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,280
Give me a "woo" if you came here
tonight with a family member?
305
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,200
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
306
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,320
And if you came with a friend?
307
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,600
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
308
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,440
There's not as many
with friends
309
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,440
but you're more enthusiastic,
that's interesting, isn't it?
310
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:40,880
The people who came
with a friend
311
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,080
is anybody in a really long
friendship?
312
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,640
Give me a wave if you are.
313
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,000
We've got people here.
Oh, right at the front.
314
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,640
How long have you two
been friends?
315
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,400
[WOMAN]: 15 years.
- 15 years? Thank you for that.
316
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,280
There was a lady the other day,
shouted out "45 years".
317
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,240
I said, "Wow,
where did you meet?"
318
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:54,160
And she went...
319
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,520
"At birth."
320
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:56,840
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
321
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,840
I said, "It's not
your fucking mam, is it?
322
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,040
I hate people
who are like that.
323
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,480
[IN A SOPPY VOICE]:
"My mam's my best friend".
324
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,760
[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Yeah, you're not hers.
325
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,400
She wants you to move out.
326
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,000
But well done to all of the long
friendships in the room.
327
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,320
I'm very impressed by you.
328
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:17,960
I'm also
a little bit jealous of you.
329
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,360
I have friends from comedy
330
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,640
friends from other jobs
that I've had.
331
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,440
I don't have
any friends from school.
332
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,480
You wouldn't think you'd know
why, but I know exactly why.
333
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,680
When I was a kid
and my birthday rolled around
334
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,120
my mam would say,
"Would you like a party?"
335
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:30,800
You have to remember
that kids' parties
336
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,000
when I was a child, very
different to kids' parties now.
337
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,640
For example, I have a friend
338
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,520
who has an eight-year-old
daughter.
339
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:37,880
For her last birthday party
340
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,320
they hired somebody
to do manicures
341
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,560
and also a hot tub.
342
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,280
I said, "What the fuck
are you doing?
343
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,000
You're not Kardashians".
344
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,840
But if you've got
little ones now
345
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,480
maybe this is the kind
of elaborate party
346
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,200
that you have to put on.
Maybe hire a venue
347
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:52,720
maybe somebody does
the catering.
348
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,640
Maybe a man you don't know
comes in in a weird outfit
349
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,720
and plays with your children
for money.
350
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,800
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
351
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,320
You can call him a clown
if you like
352
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,400
but my description
is still valid.
353
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,000
"Come on in, kids.
354
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,320
Paedo the clown has arrived!
355
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,240
We're pretty sure he's alright
356
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,120
but don't sniff his flower,
just in case".
357
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,080
At least you'd know
if he was getting
358
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,480
any of the kids
to touch him
359
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:19,800
in a wrong area,
cos it makes this sound...
360
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,440
[CLOWN HORN SOUND]
361
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,200
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS]
362
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,120
I fully expect at some point
on this tour
363
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,160
to start getting really angry
emails from clowns...
364
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,800
which I will then forward
onto the police.
365
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,040
"Found another one for you,
you're welcome!"
366
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,880
I did a show in Antwerp
a while back
367
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,360
in Antwerp in Belgium
368
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,160
and just after I honked,
a man on the front row
369
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,280
really quiet, really
sinister-looking, just went...
370
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:49,920
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
"Do it again".
371
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,040
Ehhh.
372
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,400
So, for him and for you.
373
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,040
[CLOWN HORN SOUND]
374
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,800
[SHE GIGGLES]
375
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,480
This is not the kind of party
that was on offer
376
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,840
to me, though,
when I was a child.
377
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,440
Let's gauge your age
in the room.
378
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,440
Give me a "woo"
if you're under 40.
379
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,920
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
380
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,040
40 and above?
381
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,680
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
382
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,640
There's a lot more of us.
We can take them, can't we?
383
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,200
The kind of party
that was on offer to me
384
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,800
in the '70s and the '80s
would be this...
385
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,720
Six friends, maximum.
386
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,960
That's the sort of amount
I would've struggled
387
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:21,440
to fill at that age.
388
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:22,840
Somebody would've had to bring
their cousin
389
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,440
just to make up the numbers.
390
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,200
In your house,
wasn't it always in your house?
391
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,440
And your mam, or a mam,
someone's mam...
392
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,160
would prepare the food.
393
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,280
And by that, I mean they would
cut it all into cubes.
394
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,760
So it could take part
in the hedgehog.
395
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,800
Anything that wasn't cut
into cubes was cut on an angle
396
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,280
so you know
you're at a party.
397
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:43,800
That's how you know.
398
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,200
Don't know if you know,
but this works
399
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,520
as an adult as well.
400
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:47,600
If you're ever
at somebody's house
401
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:48,880
and you're like is it a party?
402
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,480
Is it not a party?
Look at the food.
403
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,520
Is it cut on an angle?
You're at a fucking party.
404
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,160
Are the biscuits
fanned out on a plate?
405
00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:58,960
You're at a fucking party.
406
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,800
You don't do that
for yourself, do you?
407
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,640
You don't sit down in front
of Bake Off
408
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,120
with a packet of pink wafers
and your best plate.
409
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,880
No, you put the full packet in,
pull out the wrapper.
410
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,240
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]
411
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,640
They'd also be party games.
Wouldn't there be party games?
412
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,320
One of your toys would
be wrapped up
413
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,560
several times
and passed around
414
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,000
until some other fucker
takes it home.
415
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,000
Someone would piss themselves,
wouldn't they? Always.
416
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,080
Usually the same child
at every party.
417
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,280
And you'd all go home
with a little bag of crap.
418
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,600
That's a kids party, isn't it
419
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,520
in the '70s and '80s,
right there?
420
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,000
The other option, if I didn't
want a party, would be this.
421
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,760
So, I'm from a place
called South Shields.
422
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,160
South Shields is near Newcastle
423
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:44,800
and in Newcastle is
a department store
424
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,080
called Fenwick's, quite
a fancy department store.
425
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,320
Now the option if I wanted to,
instead of a party
426
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,320
to go to Fenwick's for the day
with my mam, just the two of us.
427
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,520
We'd go to the restaurant,
which was not fancy.
428
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,920
Any restaurant that starts with
your own tray is not fancy.
429
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,280
And I could choose anything
I liked off the menu
430
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,680
which every single time I went
was always the same thing.
431
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,960
All I ever wanted
was chips in a bowl.
432
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,280
That's all I ever wanted
433
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,000
because to me,
the height of luxury
434
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,320
was being able to have
nothing else with your chips
435
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:11,960
but other fucking chips.
436
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,520
Then we'd go
to the toy department
437
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,120
I'll pick a toy
and we'd go home.
438
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,360
Every single birthday I had
as a child
439
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:19,800
was spent in Fenwick's.
440
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,000
I never said "yes" to a party.
441
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,080
I chose Fenwick's
over friends...
442
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,080
some would say chips
over friends.
443
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,480
Still sort of doing it now...
444
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,720
and I regret
not a fucking thing.
445
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,320
But every time I was invited
446
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,800
to somebody else's
birthday party as a kid
447
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,440
I always went.
It's rude, really, isn't it
448
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,280
to go to others' parties,
never have one of your own.
449
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,320
I'd go to the party,
I'd eat the cubed food
450
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:42,720
I'd win a prize
451
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,080
piss myself...
452
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,080
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
453
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,120
...and I'd go home
with a little bag of crap
454
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,760
and an adult man's
mobile number.
455
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,040
[CLOWN HORN SOUND]
- No.
456
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,920
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
457
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,400
Did anybody find
in the last few of years
458
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,960
when we were dealing
with all the Covid shite
459
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,480
anybody find
that every now and again
460
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,760
they felt like they were going
a little bit mad?
461
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,280
[AUDIENCE]: Yeah.
- Yes?
462
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,280
So, "overwhelmed" is
probably a better word.
463
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:08,800
I'd feel a bit overwhelmed
464
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,359
and I'd do a thing
that I thought would help.
465
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:11,960
Let me tell you
a few of the things I tried.
466
00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:13,960
First thing I tried,
I bought some seeds.
467
00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:15,440
Do you remember there was
a while back there
468
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,000
when food was so scarce,
we all thought
469
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,319
we're going to have to grow it
all ourselves?
470
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:20,520
I bought some seeds.
471
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,160
My friend
quite rightly pointed out
472
00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:23,920
that seeds only really grow
fruit and vegetables.
473
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:26,280
I thought, "What fucking use
is that to me?"
474
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,360
Where are the seeds for
the Twixes and the toilet rolls
475
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,760
and the microwave dinners?
That's what I need.
476
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,240
Does anybody want
to hazard a guess
477
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,120
how many seeds
I actually planted?
478
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,480
[AUDIENCE]: None.
- None, thank you, None.
479
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,400
There was a man the other day,
shouted out "two"
480
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,120
which has gotta be the weirdest
suggestion of all.
481
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,040
Sounds like I just tripped
when I got out the car
482
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,400
and a couple accidently landed
in the ground.
483
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,880
Another thing I tried,
I tried a bit of yoga.
484
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,080
Does anybody do yoga?
485
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,320
They even sound quite relaxed
when answering the question
486
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,680
don't they?
487
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,680
[IN A CALM DEEP VOICE]:
"Yes, I do yoga.
488
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,640
I'm bendy as fuck".
489
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,480
[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
I tried a bit of yoga.
490
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:02,960
Watched a lady on YouTube.
491
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,600
Had to turn the volume up
really loud, though
492
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,440
cos I couldn't hear
what she was telling me to do
493
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,920
over all of the clicking
of my joints.
494
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,080
And initially I thought this is
gonna be harder for me
495
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,200
because I'm fat and the woman
in the video was wafer thin
496
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,080
and tiny.
Is this gonna be harder for me?
497
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,000
And then after a while
I realised, if anything
498
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,400
I had a slight unfair advantage.
499
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,720
For example, when she said,
"Pull in your lower belly"
500
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,920
I thought, "I'm glad
she knows I've got two".
501
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,160
I found a way
to make planking a lot easier.
502
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,320
Do it naked,
tits and belly hit the floor
503
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,960
a lot less to hold up.
504
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,160
And pretty much every time
she said "chin to chest"
505
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,160
I was sort of already doing it.
506
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,960
How was that a fucking exercise?
507
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,240
That's how I read.
508
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,600
Another thing I tried...
509
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,000
Give me a "woo" if you've heard
of the "Couch to 5K" app?
510
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,800
[AUDIENCE]: Whoo!
- Quite a lot of you.
511
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,400
For those of you who haven't,
let me tell you what it is.
512
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,360
It's an app to get you running,
a BBC app.
513
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,160
The idea is
you start as a beginner
514
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,000
and by the end, you should be
able to run five kilometres
515
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:13,920
and the whole way through,
you have somebody in your ear
516
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,000
talking you through it, telling
you when to run, when to walk
517
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,040
offering you kind of support
and encouragement.
518
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,640
And of those people...
519
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,360
there's quite a few people
you can choose from...
520
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,160
one of them is Olympic gold
medallist Michael Johnson.
521
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,240
And another one is me.
How the fuck did that happen?
522
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,040
When I was first asked to do it
a long time ago now
523
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,320
they were very nice to me,
they said
524
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,800
"You've got
a really friendly voice.
525
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,440
We thought you'd be great
for this".
526
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,440
That's what they said.
What I think they meant was
527
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,400
"You look like people
who don't run".
528
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,440
When I recorded it, I said,
"Can I mix it up?
529
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,480
Can I change it round?
Can I put my own words in?"
530
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,800
And they said,
"No, no, it's BBC, it's health.
531
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,720
It's very important you just
stick with what's written".
532
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,000
All I was allowed to do was
533
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:53,520
put in some "Well done, flowers"
534
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,280
and "Well done, pets".
That's all I was allowed.
535
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,160
All I really wanted to do,
on the bit where it says
536
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,760
"And now have a snack
such as a banana"
537
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,880
really quietly underneath,
I just wanted to go...
538
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,360
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
"Muffin".
539
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,320
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
540
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,160
So that you knew
it was definitely me
541
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,160
and in case you were worried,
I was safe.
542
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,520
It's good to know that.
It's good to know.
543
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,800
But pretty much every day,
somebody on social media
544
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,480
would send me a message
saying they've started it
545
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,480
or they finished it,
or they're in the middle of it
546
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:21,800
and they never thought
they could run
547
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,240
and now they can run
and they love it.
548
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,880
And on one
of my overwhelmed days
549
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,120
I thought, if it's working
for all of those people
550
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,640
maybe I should
be giving it a go.
551
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,160
And then I thought,
should I use...
552
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,720
my own voice?
553
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,760
I couldn't work out
if I'd find it inspirational
554
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,040
or really fucking irritating.
555
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,840
And the truth is, both.
556
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,200
Some days it would say things
like, "You're doing really well.
557
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,560
I'm really proud of you"
and I'd be like
558
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:45,960
"I am doing really well.
559
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,840
Thanks for being proud of me,
past me
560
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,760
sitting on a sofa
eating a fucking biscuit".
561
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,400
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
562
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,160
Then other days it would say,
"Well, if that went well
563
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,840
why don't you run a bit faster?"
564
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,320
And I would say, "Why don't you
fuck the fuck off"?
565
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,400
My husband said,
"Isn't it hard?"
566
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,400
He prefers to do weights,
doesn't like to run.
567
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:07,840
He said, "Isn't it hard?"
568
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,400
Cos I did do it.
I completed the whole thing
569
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,280
and I used my own voice
like an absolute bellend.
570
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:14,800
I said, "Of course it's hard.
It's running".
571
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,320
I said, "Haven't we all done
loads of hard things
572
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,760
over the last few years,
we never thought
573
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,600
we'd have to do?"
574
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,040
And I came up with something
that sounds like a catchphrase.
575
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,560
I dunno where it came from
but I like it
576
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:23,600
and I'm keeping it.
577
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,080
I said, "Of course it's hard
578
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,200
because if it was easy,
it'd be biscuits".
579
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,160
I don't know
where that came from.
580
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,080
I think I might've read it
on a t-shirt.
581
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:32,480
But I would like
to talk to you guys
582
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,240
to see if anybody
in this beautiful room
583
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,880
of glorious people would like to
shout out something that you did
584
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,120
in what I'm calling
"a moment of madness"
585
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:40,600
in the last few years.
586
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:41,760
We'll section you off,
make it slightly easier.
587
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,120
Let me give you an example.
588
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,600
There was a man
a few months ago...
589
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:45,960
I said, "What did you do
in a moment of madness
590
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:47,160
in the last few years?"
591
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,960
He said he bought
a butter churn...
592
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:50,720
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
593
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,560
...and I love the sheer panic
he clearly had.
594
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,680
"What if we're run out
of butter?"
595
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,000
I asked him
how many times he'd used it.
596
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,520
He said,
"Just the once"
597
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,680
cos it turns out it makes
a fuck-load of butter.
598
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:04,480
I think the easiest way
to talk to you guys
599
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,400
is in the sections you're
sort of already in.
600
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:07,960
So we'll start at the top
and work our way
601
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,080
down the room. So, that
lovely upstairs section.
602
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,800
Anybody in that upstairs section
want to shout out
603
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,280
something you did?
604
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:14,720
A moment of madness
in the last few years.
605
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,200
Anybody want to start us off?
606
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:17,440
[WOMAN]: Had a baby!
- [WOMAN 2]: Got engaged!
607
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:18,800
OK, we'll come back to this one.
608
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,280
[MAN]:
Bought a lightsaber!
609
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,080
Hold, well, there's so much
to talk about!
610
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,000
Quite a lot to unpack.
611
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,400
Lady over here, shout out again.
612
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,240
[WOMAN]: I had a baby.
- You had a baby?
613
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:31,640
Is it your first baby?
614
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:32,720
Yeah.
- [SARAH]: Yeah?
615
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,360
Is it also your last baby?
616
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:35,960
Yes! Oh, God!
617
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,240
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- What was that?
618
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,160
Somebody else answered!
619
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:45,400
That's my aunt!
620
00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,520
[SARAH]: It's who?
- My aunt.
621
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,200
Your aunt. Does your aunt do
a lot of babysitting
622
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:52,240
by any chance?
623
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,400
She does indeed,
she lives up the road.
624
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:57,840
She lives up the road.
625
00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,400
Who moved into the street
first, though?
626
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:01,720
I did.
627
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,560
She's proper arsey, isn't she?
I love it.
628
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,640
And then she was like,
"I'm pregnant.
629
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,040
I'm gonna move in near my aunt".
630
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:12,680
This is genius.
631
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,080
What did you have,
a girl or a boy?
632
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:15,920
Baby boy.
633
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,080
Baby boy. Never mind, you can
try again for the proper ones.
634
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,240
No, it's fine. Girls are better.
It's just a fact.
635
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,640
Did you have your baby
during the time
636
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,840
when it was really scary
in the hospitals, my love?
637
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,000
It's always scary having a baby!
638
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:29,760
Is it?
639
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,640
I've had some terrifying shits
in my time.
640
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,480
I really have.
641
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:46,040
I had one once,
while we're sharing...
642
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,960
where it felt like it was kind
of like giving birth
643
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,760
because there was
a really wide bit of it
644
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,840
and I was like,
"Oh, I got the shoulders past
645
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,120
we're alright".
646
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,600
But I appreciate
it is always scary.
647
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:05,920
Round of applause for the lady
with the new baby.
648
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:07,080
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
649
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:09,320
Lovely.
650
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,040
We had somebody else over
this side, shout out again.
651
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,400
[WOMAN 2]:
Got engaged.
652
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:15,360
How long had you been
with your partner
653
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:16,760
before the proposal?
654
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:17,960
Uh, four years.
655
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:19,600
[SARAH]: Four years?
- Yeah.
656
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,680
One woman went,
"Oh, yeah".
657
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,000
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
658
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,120
The rest of you are like,
"Seems fair enough".
659
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,040
Just one woman, really spoke
for the group, didn't she?
660
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:29,840
"Yeah, that's reasonable."
661
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,520
And who proposed to who?
662
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:34,080
He proposed to me.
663
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,480
[SARAH]:
Is this him beside you there?
664
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,200
Yeah... no...
665
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:39,560
Hold on, did you say yes
666
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,560
look at him
and then say no?
667
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,200
Is that what happened there?
668
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:44,160
Yes.
669
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:45,320
Oh, no.
670
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,560
Who is this beside you?
671
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:54,600
Jason.
672
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:55,800
Jason.
673
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:57,960
Who is he to you?
674
00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,080
Fiancé.
675
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:00,640
Oh, you are, so it is you!
676
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,120
I thought she said no!
677
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:03,200
Mm... no.
678
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,160
So, Jason, you proposed
to your good lady.
679
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,600
Was it a very romantic proposal,
my love?
680
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,200
Uh, yeah.
681
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:12,840
No, actually!
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
682
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:14,320
Yeah...
683
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:15,600
And she went, "No!"
684
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,640
Can you tell me
where it happened?
685
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:19,720
What happened?
686
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,240
I slapped him round the face.
687
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,440
You slapped him round the face?
688
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,280
Before or after the proposal?
689
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:27,760
Is that what inspired it?
690
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,840
Is he into that sort
of dirty shit, is he?
691
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,280
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
692
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,040
Just a really good crack
and he was like...
693
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:37,680
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
"Fucking hell, marry me...
694
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,240
That was amazing".
695
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,720
"Now do me ball bag, oh..."
696
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,400
[SARAH CHUCKLES]
697
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:53,400
He's nodding.
698
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:54,960
He's not,
I'm just taking the piss.
699
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,800
And have you got kids,
have you got animals?
700
00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,200
What's the situation at home?
701
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,440
We've got kids
but not with each other.
702
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,200
Oh, OK, hm...
703
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,480
Kids but not with each other.
704
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,640
Well, not if you keep slapping
his ball bag!
705
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:12,400
Got no fucking chance, has he?
706
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,640
Just be empty and dry in there.
707
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,800
Round of applause
for the happy couple!
708
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:25,760
And we had
somebody else upstairs.
709
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:27,120
Do you want to shout
out again?
710
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,600
[MAN]:
Uh, a lightsaber.
711
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,040
It was a nerd or impulse buy.
712
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,240
A nerd impulse buy?
713
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,280
You've got your reasons already
ready, haven't you?
714
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:37,440
Just...
715
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:39,560
Why don't you think?
716
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,120
Do you think I would think
it was a bad thing?
717
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:42,520
It sounds fucking awesome!
718
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,680
Now, it's not
a real one, though.
719
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,560
No, no.
- No, so what...
720
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:49,320
What happens when you press...
721
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,000
It can't shoot out.
722
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:52,800
But what... stop it!
723
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,080
Somebody's laughing over there,
behind there.
724
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,840
It's, uh, it's 3D printed.
725
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,040
It's 3D printed!
726
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:03,800
No offence, mate,
but it sounds shit.
727
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,720
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
728
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:08,640
Does it turn on, then?
I don't really understand
729
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,800
anything about 3D printers.
Does it turn on?
730
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,200
It's more of a display piece.
731
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,280
Oh, a display piece!
732
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,000
We're picturing your flat now,
aren't we?
733
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:22,680
Have you got anything else
on display?
734
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,080
Um, I dunno, ask her.
[HE LAUGHS]
735
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:27,680
Ask her?
736
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,880
I mean, we're all surprised
you've got a girlfriend.
737
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,800
Actually, I can't see, it might
be his mam.
738
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,080
That would make more sense,
wouldn't it?
739
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:43,800
[SARAH CHUCKLES]
740
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,760
I love that you bought yourself
a lightsaber.
741
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,280
Well fucking done.
742
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,880
Round of applause
for the Star Warsfan.
743
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:53,720
Good work, upstairs.
744
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,280
Middle section, anybody want
to shout out
745
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:56,680
something you did
in a moment of madness?
746
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:57,960
[MAN]:
Got a hot tub!
747
00:27:58,120 --> 00:27:59,480
[SARAH]:
Oh, said with confidence.
748
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:00,520
Couple of people upstairs,
all of a sudden...
749
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,120
ba-baba-ba-baaa!
750
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,360
There was somebody over here,
shout it again.
751
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:05,400
[MAN]:
Got a hot tub.
752
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:06,680
You got a hot tub?
753
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,000
[MAN]: Yeah.
- Yeah? Did you?
754
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,240
So, how many people does it sit?
755
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:11,760
[MAN]:
Four.
756
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,440
Four. You know that,
don't you as well?
757
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:14,640
You've had...
758
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,440
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
"Friends round".
759
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,040
Oh, no, just the neighbours.
760
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,360
I got it from Lidl
and I only went in for milk.
761
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,160
[SHE LAUGHS]
762
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,840
He got it from Lidl,
and you only went in for milk!
763
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:33,800
That's incredible.
764
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,360
You should be
on the advert for Lidl!
765
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:38,920
"Come in for milk,
go home
766
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,760
with you know,
somewhere to have sex
767
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,400
with your neighbours".
768
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,120
Is this your partner?
769
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:46,800
Single!
- [SARAH]: You're single?
770
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,560
He's definitely had people
in that hot tub, hasn't he?
771
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,440
Do you just sometimes
sit in it on your own?
772
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:57,560
D'you know, all my friends
get in it and I don't.
773
00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:58,920
Mmm...
774
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:02,720
We don't believe him, do we? No.
775
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:04,320
I've got a question for you.
776
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:07,160
I genuinely don't know
the answer to this, um...
777
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:11,680
In a hot tub...
778
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:13,440
Maybe everybody else can answer,
I suspect you know
779
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,000
but maybe other people
know as well...
780
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:18,640
In a hot tub,
does jizz like mix in?
781
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,080
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
782
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:21,920
I don't know.
783
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:26,600
Does it mix in or does it go
like stringy like goldfish poos?
784
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:29,000
You know, like...
785
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:31,280
go in with a little...
like a tiddly net
786
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,160
and just try and catch it.
787
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,160
Yeah, tell me.
788
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,360
As you would say,
it gets claggy.
789
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:43,240
It gets...
[SHE LAUGHS]
790
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,080
It gets claggy.
791
00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:48,880
I love that you know
792
00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:51,040
and you're acknowledging
that you know.
793
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,640
Well, I hope you meet somebody
very soon
794
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:55,200
you can sit
in your hot tub with.
795
00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:56,920
Round of applause
for the lovely fella.
796
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:57,960
[AUDIENCE CLAPS]
797
00:29:58,120 --> 00:29:59,280
[SARAH]:
Thank you.
798
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:03,560
Anybody else
in the middle section
799
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:05,520
shout out something you did
in a moment of madness?
800
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:06,640
[MAN 2]:
Hello, Sarah.
801
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:07,720
Hello.
802
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,560
Are we just having a chat
or have you got an answer
803
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:12,400
to the fucking question, flower?
804
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:14,920
No, no, every day during
lockdown
805
00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,360
I tried to have a two-pound poo.
806
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,000
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
807
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:24,240
Every day, during lockdown
808
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,120
you tried to have
a two-pound poo!
809
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,720
What I want to know is,
who was paying you, flower?
810
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:33,760
Are you weighing them?
Are you photographing them?
811
00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:35,680
No, I just stand there naked
812
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:38,320
weigh myself, sh--
- [SARAH]: Oh, no, no.
813
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,040
You really mean it!
814
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:45,000
You understand, you all got
that, didn't you from him?
815
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,520
That he would way himself naked
816
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:49,280
do a shit...
817
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,400
weigh himself naked again...
818
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,880
Did you have a chart
on the kitchen wall?
819
00:30:57,560 --> 00:30:59,840
Get a little star,
a little brown star?
820
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:01,360
Was it a brown star?
821
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,000
Brown star stickers are quite
hard to come by.
822
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:10,120
Is your wife beside you?
Who looks appalled?
823
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:13,760
She was very interested.
824
00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:15,120
[SARAH]:
Say that again.
825
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,040
This is Ruth, she loved me
telling her every morning
826
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:19,560
that I failed.
827
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,360
You can't all see her,
but she's like this.
828
00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,160
I managed it two weeks ago.
829
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:28,880
You married her two weeks ago?
830
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,040
No, I managed a two-pound poo!
831
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:32,720
Oh, you managed a two-pound...
832
00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:34,760
[THEY ALL LAUGH]
833
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,240
[MEN CHEER]
834
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:41,160
Two people cheered
and they were definitely men!
835
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:43,080
They were like...
836
00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:44,040
[IN A LOW VOICE]:
Got a new project.
837
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:45,080
I've got a new project.
838
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:47,880
Well, I'm very proud of you.
839
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:49,840
Congratulations
on your new hobby, flower.
840
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:51,160
Round of applause...
841
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:53,640
for the poo winner.
842
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,320
[SARAH CHUCKLES]
843
00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:57,120
Thank you.
844
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:58,560
Anybody downstairs want to shout
out something you did
845
00:31:58,720 --> 00:31:59,640
in a moment of madness?
846
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:00,960
[WOMAN]:
I left my husband.
847
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,200
You left your husband?
848
00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:05,160
[WOMEN CHEER]
849
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:09,840
How long had you been married,
my lovely?
850
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,560
Twenty-five years.
- [AUDIENCE]: Oooh.
851
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:12,880
Twenty... oh!
852
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,000
It's gone a bit panto in here,
hasn't it?
853
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,800
Oooooh!
854
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,200
Twenty-five years,
that's incredible!
855
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:23,840
Are you officially divorced?
856
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,640
Have you been through
your absolute and all that?
857
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:26,920
Not yet, January.
858
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,600
[SARAH]:
January?
859
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:30,520
Fuckin', it's gonna be a good
fuckin' day, isn't it?
860
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,000
So, you left him?
- [WOMAN]: I did.
861
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,800
Yes, and did...
so is he still in the house
862
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:37,480
that you were in together?
- He is.
863
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,880
Yeah, and have you got
yourself like a...
864
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,680
fancy lady pad?
- I'm all over it, I've got--
865
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:44,400
[SARAH LAUGHS]
You're all over it!
866
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:46,840
You've got a sexy pad, have ya?
867
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:48,200
I don't mean...
868
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,600
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
869
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,600
We're sort of that age, uh...
[SHE LAUGHS]
870
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:56,080
...you and I.
871
00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:57,320
Congratulations, and I don't
know, like...
872
00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:58,640
I'm divorced and then remarried.
873
00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:00,480
I don't know if you all know...
874
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,640
Everybody, we've all had
breakups, and you know...
875
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:05,520
especially significant
relationships.
876
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:07,680
I don't know if you've been
through this phase yet
877
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:09,400
I feel like you might have done.
878
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,160
There's a phase you got through
when you get divorced
879
00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:13,040
or you end a relationship,
there's a phase you go through
880
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:14,960
where you can't sleep.
881
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:16,880
And what you do, this is a tip
if anybody's getting there
882
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,800
or they're about to dump
somebody significant
883
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:22,040
maybe who's sitting beside them
tonight, what a great day!
884
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,440
There's a tip, if you
can't sleep, what you do is
885
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,440
you have a big cry, you have
a wank, you have a Magnum
886
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,520
you go back to bed,
sleep like a baby.
887
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:40,040
I choose to keep the wank
and the Magnum separate
888
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:41,360
but it's up to you.
889
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,080
I don't mind. It's up to you.
890
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:45,760
Well, congratulations
and have a great day
891
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:47,720
on your absolute day.
Round of applause
892
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:49,760
for the fantastic lady.
893
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:53,680
Good answers.
894
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,520
Very good answers tonight.
895
00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:57,360
Let me tell you a couple
of my favourite ones.
896
00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:58,960
There was a lady
in Birmingham...
897
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:00,560
I said, "What did you do
in a moment of madness?"
898
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:01,920
She said, "My lodger".
899
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:04,000
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
900
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:08,880
By way of explanation,
she went, "Well, he's Greek".
901
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:10,520
I don't know what that means!
902
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:12,639
Fair enough.
903
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,120
I said, "Do you still live with
him now?" She said, "Yes".
904
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:15,239
I said, "Are you in
a relationship with him?"
905
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:16,719
She said, "No, no".
906
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:18,199
I said, "Well done, you.
You've had this fling
907
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:19,920
got past it, you've been
such adults about it.
908
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:22,000
She said,
"Oh, no, it's still going on".
909
00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:24,000
I said,
"Did you cut his rent a bit?"
910
00:34:24,159 --> 00:34:25,800
She said,
"Actually no, I put it up".
911
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,120
Another one I liked
was in Liverpool.
912
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:30,520
A lady said...
I said, "What did you do
913
00:34:30,679 --> 00:34:32,159
in a moment of madness?"
914
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,080
She said, "I've started drinking
wine out of a mug"...
915
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:36,920
which didn't sound
that mad to me
916
00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,480
but then she said, "No, no,
during important work meetings
917
00:34:39,639 --> 00:34:41,120
on Zoom".
918
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,080
She said the trick is,
you get the bit of string
919
00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:47,679
and the paper
off a herbal tea bag
920
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,560
and you drape it
over the side of your mug.
921
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:54,520
She's a fucking genius,
is what she is.
922
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:57,200
One of the things I dabbled in
923
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,720
a little bit in lockdown,
was aromatherapy.
924
00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:01,560
I've never really bothered
with aromatherapy in the past
925
00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:02,960
cos I have actual therapy.
926
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:04,440
You don't need aroma something
927
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,520
if you're having
the real fucking thing.
928
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:08,040
If I fancy something sweet
929
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:09,920
I don't have
an aroma Twix, do I?
930
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:11,000
No.
931
00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:13,000
If I'm tired, but I can't sleep
932
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,800
I don't have
an aroma wank, do I? No.
933
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:17,840
Bought myself
some aromatherapy balms.
934
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:19,640
If you don't know what they are,
you put them
935
00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:21,240
on your pulse points. It's
supposed to make you feel nice.
936
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,000
And the four that I bought
all had names.
937
00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:25,680
They were called "Sleepy Time",
like I'm five...
938
00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:27,640
"Calm Down," alright...
939
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:30,320
"Wake Up",
make your fucking mind up
940
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:32,120
and "Headache"
which is a bit more medical.
941
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:33,840
And they all smell of things
you'd expect them to smell of.
942
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:35,720
Lavender, camomile,
that sort of thing.
943
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,240
I thought it'd be interesting
to get my husband to smell them
944
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,440
to tell me what he thought
they smelt of.
945
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,720
To be fair, I did once ask him
to smell my vagina candle
946
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:45,560
and he said it smelt
of beef and cheese
947
00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:47,320
and he got it right first time.
948
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:49,600
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
949
00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:57,160
But in that order
of Sleepy Time, Calm Down
950
00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:58,840
Wake Up, Headache, he said
951
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:02,560
they smelt of creosote, grass,
nothing, and an old shop.
952
00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:04,160
He's got no fucking clue.
953
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:05,520
I don't know why we bother
with these things, though
954
00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:07,040
cos we've got lavender
in the garden.
955
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:08,440
So, what I do now,
before I go to bed, I just
956
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:09,760
nip out into the garden
957
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,960
in my nightie
and I inhale a bush.
958
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:18,000
And then I get in the house
and my husband does this same!
959
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,880
Beef and cheese!
Beef and cheese!
960
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:26,000
But d'you remember when
the food shops were terrifying
961
00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:27,840
and we all started
ordering food online?
962
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,160
I downloaded all the different
supermarket apps into my phone
963
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:31,920
try and get a delivery slot.
964
00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:33,760
Eventually I got one, shouted to
my husband who's in the kitchen.
965
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:35,720
I shouted, "I've got a slot,
I've got a slot!
966
00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:36,800
Come and help me fill it!"
967
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:38,280
Used to mean something else.
968
00:36:39,720 --> 00:36:41,560
And the slot that I got
was on the Asda app
969
00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:43,400
and I started to add things
to the basket, usual things
970
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:44,680
bread and milk and whatnot.
971
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,160
When it came
to the fruit, though
972
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:47,440
the fruit was divided
into different sections.
973
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:48,920
There was
an exotic fruit section.
974
00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:50,760
I thought, "Ooh, let's see
what Asda's got
975
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,480
by way of exotic fruit!"
976
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,160
And in there was a papaya.
977
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,200
I thought, "Yeah, there
might be a global pandemic
978
00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:58,920
happening Asda, but I will
have a fucking papaya".
979
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:00,320
And when I added it
to the basket
980
00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:02,040
I half expected the Asda app
to be like
981
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:04,240
"Ooooh...
982
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,000
did you mean
Birdseye potato waffles?"
983
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:10,320
"No, but thanks
for the reminder".
984
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:12,080
Also add to basket.
985
00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:13,920
You know when you order food
online, you don't always get
986
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,640
what you want, do you?
Sometimes you get substitutions.
987
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:19,320
Asda didn't have
any fucking papayas.
988
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:21,840
They just sent me two pies,
which was good enough.
989
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,960
But as well as the papayas,
I also ordered kiwifruit.
990
00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:27,800
I love a kiwifruit.
991
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:29,800
When I first met my husband,
we hadn't started going out yet
992
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:33,560
we were just friends. I watched
him eat a kiwi, like an apple.
993
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,280
Um-um-um, fur and all.
994
00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:37,600
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
995
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:38,920
And I looked at him
and I thought
996
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:40,600
"This bodes very well for me".
997
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:43,080
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
998
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,680
Now let's see
how he does with this coconut.
999
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:55,840
But we've lived in the house
we live in now
1000
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,320
for about nine years.
1001
00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:59,560
Before that, we both rented
flats separately.
1002
00:37:59,720 --> 00:38:01,640
If you rent now, or you've
ever rented in the past
1003
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:03,920
you will know that if something
breaks in your rented place
1004
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:06,640
you tell the person responsible,
who does nothing at all
1005
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:08,440
and you learn to live
without the thing.
1006
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,120
That's right, isn't it?
1007
00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:12,000
When you own somewhere,
though, you're responsible.
1008
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:13,720
My husband had this great idea
when we first moved in together
1009
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:15,280
to have, like,
a rolling jobs list.
1010
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:17,120
Just a document on his computer
of all the things
1011
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:18,600
that needed doing to the house.
1012
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,280
Some of those things
we could do ourselves.
1013
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:22,240
Some of those things he would
need to ring a bigger boy
1014
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,160
who would come and do it for us.
1015
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,160
One day he shared
the document with me.
1016
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,240
He said, "Just in case you want
to add any jobs to the list".
1017
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:29,760
So I scrolled right to
the bottom, and I just wrote
1018
00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:31,400
"cunnilingus".
1019
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:33,480
And he spotted it.
1020
00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:34,680
He said, "Yeah, as long
as you don't mind
1021
00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:36,600
a Polish handyman
coming to do it?"
1022
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:39,920
And I said, "Not at all".
1023
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:43,120
He said, "To be fair, it's sort
of already on the list.
1024
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,200
It's just under
clearing the gutters".
1025
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,200
[SHE GIGGLES]
1026
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,200
But I've been
married a long time.
1027
00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:52,080
Different men.
Let's move on, and...
1028
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:54,520
I think I know a bit
about relationships.
1029
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:56,040
I've got a theory.
See if you agree with this.
1030
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:58,200
My theory is that most
relationships are made up
1031
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,680
of one person who does chores
as they see them arise
1032
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,640
and another person who needs
to be asked to do chores.
1033
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,720
Would you agree with that?
- [AUDIENCE]: Yeah.
1034
00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:08,160
[SARAH]:
So I'm the do-er, in our family.
1035
00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:09,640
My husband will do
anything I ask
1036
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,080
but does often need to be asked.
1037
00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:12,800
I found a way around this.
1038
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:14,320
If this is helpful in your
relationship, please use it.
1039
00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:15,880
I do not mind. What I do
1040
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:18,640
is I make every chore
a challenge.
1041
00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:21,160
So, I say to him, "Bet you can't
bring in all the shopping
1042
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:22,880
from the car in one go?"
1043
00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:27,320
And he goes, "Course I can!"
He does it
1044
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:29,760
and I tick it off my list.
Hooray!
1045
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,640
I'll say, "Bet you can't
empty the dishwasher
1046
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,200
in less than two minutes",
and he goes
1047
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,960
"I bet I bloody can".
1048
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:37,760
I use a stopwatch to make it
more fun for him, you know?
1049
00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:40,840
It's basically like
a really domestic version
1050
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:42,680
of The Crystal Maze.
1051
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:44,320
Where I am Richard O'Brien
1052
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:45,800
or Richard Ayoade,
if you're very young
1053
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,640
and my husband is
in a big glass sphere.
1054
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:51,960
Also in this sphere is a washing
machine and a tumble dryer.
1055
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:55,040
Against the clock to win
another month of marriage
1056
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,360
he has to take clothes
out of the washing machine
1057
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,560
and deduce whether or not
they can be tumble-dried.
1058
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:03,080
And it's not as straightforward
as looking at the label
1059
00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:06,800
because nobody knows
what the fucking symbols mean.
1060
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:09,120
There's only one symbol
we all know.
1061
00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:10,520
And I think the reason
it's universal is
1062
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:11,920
cos it's so damn important.
1063
00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:13,280
And that's the hand one.
1064
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:14,840
We all know
the hand one, don't we?
1065
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:16,840
Cos that means wave goodbye
to your lovely top
1066
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:19,000
because it's about to get
fucking shrunk.
1067
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:24,440
But I bought this dress,
many reasons
1068
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,280
but one of them is
that it's got fucking pockets!
1069
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:28,680
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
1070
00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:30,480
It's how you make
a woman happy, isn't it?
1071
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:31,680
Show her something with pockets.
1072
00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:33,280
This is what feminism is to me
1073
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:34,960
cos I could be scratching
my fanny now.
1074
00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:36,520
You'd have no idea.
1075
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,360
But I've got a friend
who's got dungarees
1076
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:41,960
and they've got
pockets everywhere.
1077
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:43,920
She looks amazing in her
dungarees and I'm so jealous
1078
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,000
and I keep thinking,
should I get some dungarees?
1079
00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:48,160
But she's a lot thinner than me
and I've got a horrible feeling
1080
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:49,840
I'd just look fucking
pregnant in them.
1081
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:51,680
And that's what I said
to my husband.
1082
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:53,560
I said, I think the only way
I could get away with dungarees
1083
00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:55,320
is if either I lost loads
of weight...
1084
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,560
it's not going to happen,
I can't be bothered...
1085
00:40:57,720 --> 00:40:59,920
or I wait until I'm so old
1086
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,000
that I couldn't possibly
be pregnant.
1087
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,440
Which these days,
because of fucking science
1088
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,760
is about 70, isn't it?
1089
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:08,480
Thanks fucking science.
1090
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:10,120
My husband went, "Or..."
1091
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:11,880
And I thought, "Oh, he's got
a good logical brain.
1092
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:13,280
He's thought
of a third solution".
1093
00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:15,480
He said, "You could just
wear the dungarees
1094
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:18,280
but always carry
a paintbrush with you".
1095
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:23,040
I said, "Knowing my luck
1096
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:24,920
people will just point and go,
'Look at that fat old lady
1097
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:28,040
preparing the nursery
for her unborn child'".
1098
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,120
We're heading now for
my favourite time of the day
1099
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:33,280
which is bedtime.
1100
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:34,640
Fucking love sleeping.
1101
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:36,960
I don't however sleep naked.
1102
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:38,480
Give me a "woo"
if you do sleep naked?
1103
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:39,920
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
1104
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:40,920
And if you don't?
1105
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:42,360
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
1106
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:44,040
The main reason
I don't sleep naked is
1107
00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:46,160
we've got a cat
who's an arsehole.
1108
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:49,640
And if your toes are popping out
the end of the duvet
1109
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:51,240
he will nibble on them.
1110
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:53,800
Imagine what he'd do
to me fanny, I'm not risking it.
1111
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,320
Not risking it.
1112
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:58,120
But a while ago, a friend
of mine rang me one day
1113
00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:00,200
laughing, she was heavily
pregnant at the time
1114
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:01,520
she rang me to tell me
1115
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,120
the hospital had been
on the phone
1116
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:04,760
and they said that
when she came in to give birth
1117
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,120
she was to bring a nightie
1118
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:08,000
and she thought
this was piss funny.
1119
00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:11,480
She said, "Who even wears
nighties these days?"
1120
00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:13,480
And I didn't say anything,
but I wanted to say...
1121
00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:14,760
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
me.
1122
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:17,000
And then she said,
"Where would you even
1123
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:18,960
get a nightie from these days?"
1124
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:21,280
And that's when I snapped
and said, "Marks and Spencer's
1125
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:22,800
you fucking idiot!"
1126
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,400
But they told her to bring
a button-down nightie
1127
00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:28,640
which makes sense
for breastfeeding reasons.
1128
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:30,840
I think that's just good advice
for all of us, isn't it?
1129
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:32,600
If your partner can
rummage in the top
1130
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:34,120
and then rummage underneath
1131
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:36,240
you don't have to take
the fucker off at all.
1132
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:40,320
There are some health benefits
to sleeping naked
1133
00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:41,760
let me tell you,
there's three of them.
1134
00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:43,200
Let me talk you through them.
1135
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:45,760
Number one,
keeps your temperature down.
1136
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:48,080
And I thought, well,
so does sticking a leg out.
1137
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:51,720
Number two,
improves self-esteem.
1138
00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,280
That sounds like
a load of shit, doesn't it?
1139
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:58,160
I don't think it would improve
my self-esteem
1140
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:01,480
if my husband rolled over
to see me lying there
1141
00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:03,720
with a chin-full of tits.
1142
00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:12,360
At least in a nightie,
they're contained, aren't they?
1143
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:14,600
Instead, it looks like
a carrier bag
1144
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:15,920
full of bread buns.
1145
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,560
And number three,
keeps testicles cool.
1146
00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:23,240
That's mostly for the men
that one, obviously.
1147
00:43:23,400 --> 00:43:24,600
Now, I've met... met!
1148
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:27,200
I've met some testicles
in my time.
1149
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:28,600
Nice to meet you.
1150
00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:31,840
I've never met a cool one.
1151
00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:35,640
They've all got a degree of
sort of tackiness, haven't they?
1152
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,320
Like you're waiting
for them to dry.
1153
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:45,120
But I've got a nice tradition.
1154
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:47,480
I like to get
new pyjamas for Christmas.
1155
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:48,680
Does anybody else do that?
1156
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:50,360
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Yeah?
1157
00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,640
So, last November I went round
various department stores
1158
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:54,880
to have a look at what they
had by way of new stock
1159
00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:56,440
in the pyjama department.
1160
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:58,240
It wasn't great, if I'm honest.
1161
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:00,640
I would say
half of them were fleecy.
1162
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:02,440
[AUDIENCE MURMURS]
- [SARAH LAUGHS]
1163
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:04,120
That's the noise that women make
1164
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:06,720
when parts of them
are hotter than the sun.
1165
00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:11,080
Nobody wants thrush
for Santa coming, do they? No.
1166
00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:15,600
The other half had slogans
across here.
1167
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,000
I'm 47, fuck off
with your slogans.
1168
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,960
I saw two slogans, one said,
"It's Prosecco o'clock"
1169
00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,440
which I don't know if you know,
it's not an actual time.
1170
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:25,520
It's just a fancy term
for alcoholism.
1171
00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:28,040
And the other one said, "There's
always time for brunch!"
1172
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:29,880
And there's not, is there?
Sometimes it's just you
1173
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:32,280
and some Weetabix
and it's pretty fucking sad.
1174
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:34,960
I thought,
"If they want slogans
1175
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:37,040
why don't they have
realistic slogans?"
1176
00:44:37,240 --> 00:44:39,280
So I had a think, and I've
come up with three ideas.
1177
00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:41,120
I am going to pitch them
to the department stores
1178
00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:42,720
but I wanted to run them
by you first.
1179
00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:44,040
Is that alright?
1180
00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:45,560
[AUDIENCE]: Yes.
- OK. So, here we go.
1181
00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:48,120
Three realistic slogans
for pyjama tops. Here we go.
1182
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:50,560
Number one,
"Don't come too close
1183
00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:54,000
I've worn these as clothes
for four days".
1184
00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:58,080
Like that one? Like that one.
1185
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:02,360
Number two, "That's not
a pattern. It's tomato soup".
1186
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:07,000
And number three,
"If I'm honest
1187
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:09,160
the top smells better
than the bottoms".
1188
00:45:12,920 --> 00:45:14,280
[SARAH GIGGLES]
1189
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:21,280
I will pitch them
to the department stores
1190
00:45:21,440 --> 00:45:23,160
and I'll let you know
how I get on.
1191
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:25,440
I'm quite a clumsy person,
by nature.
1192
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:27,200
I've fallen over, substantially
1193
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:29,040
three times
in the last few years.
1194
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,240
First time I fell over,
I hurt my knee.
1195
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:33,520
Now a problem that exists
when you are not skinny
1196
00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:37,560
is trying to convince someone
that a part of you is swollen.
1197
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:40,720
I said to my friend, I said,
"Look at my knee.
1198
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:42,080
Look, I hurt it,
it's all swollen".
1199
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:43,440
She said, "Is it?"
1200
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,840
And then she said, "Did you fall
on your other knee as well?"
1201
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:48,320
Fuck off!
1202
00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:54,840
Second time I fell,
I fell face front.
1203
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:56,320
Now, if you've ever
fallen face front
1204
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:58,040
you'll know there's a degree
of slow motion
1205
00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:00,440
about a fall like that.
It's a little bit...
1206
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:01,920
[IMITATING SLOW MOTION]:
Nooo!
1207
00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:03,600
The whole time
all I could think of was
1208
00:46:03,760 --> 00:46:05,840
"Don't smash your glasses!
Don't smash your glasses!"
1209
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:07,400
Glasses are fucking expensive.
1210
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:09,800
Miraculously, even though
I fell face front
1211
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:11,440
I did not smash my glasses.
1212
00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:14,240
And that's because
I was saved by my tits.
1213
00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:18,200
My husband who saw it happen,
said I was lying there
1214
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:20,600
with my hands slightly up,
my feet slightly up.
1215
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:23,720
He said, "It looked a little bit
like you were skydiving".
1216
00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:29,040
Third time I fell,
I hurt my wrist and my hand.
1217
00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:30,720
It didn't heal itself properly,
so I had to go
1218
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:32,120
and see a physiotherapist.
1219
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:33,600
And the physiotherapist said
to me
1220
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:36,160
"Can you tell me
what activities you're doing
1221
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:37,680
when it hurts the most?"
1222
00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:39,040
No.
1223
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:42,720
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- [SHE MOUTHS]
1224
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:48,600
And then I thought,
he's a medical professional
1225
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:50,520
you have to tell the truth
to a medical professionals
1226
00:46:50,680 --> 00:46:52,040
so I did tell the truth
in the end
1227
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:54,400
and I said, "Mashing potatoes
and wanking".
1228
00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:57,640
It's the same motion, isn't it?
1229
00:46:58,640 --> 00:46:59,760
It's the same face.
1230
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:02,800
Argh-ah-ah-ah-ah...
1231
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:04,040
Aah-a!
1232
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:06,480
Ah-ah-ah-ah...
1233
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:08,480
[PITCH INCREASES]:
Ah-ah-ah-ah...
1234
00:47:08,640 --> 00:47:11,200
[PITCH FALLS]:
Ah-ah-ah-ah...
1235
00:47:16,720 --> 00:47:18,040
Something tells me
quite a lot of you
1236
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:20,440
have mashed potatoes
in your time.
1237
00:47:21,840 --> 00:47:23,160
But the physiotherapist said
1238
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:25,040
"I'm going to give you
an exercise to do".
1239
00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:27,200
He said, "You won't believe me,
but I promise it works.
1240
00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:28,600
But you won't believe me".
1241
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:30,240
I said, "What's the exercise?"
1242
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:32,000
He said, "Doing the dishes".
1243
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:34,200
And I said, "What kind
of Handmaid's Tale
1244
00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:36,360
bullshit is this?"
1245
00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:38,600
There was a curtain in his room
you could get changed behind.
1246
00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:40,680
I lifted it up, fully expected
to see my husband
1247
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:42,120
just crouched down
whispering
1248
00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:44,120
[IN A LOWER VOICE]:
"Dishes, tell her dishes
1249
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:45,720
and hand jobs".
1250
00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:47,960
I'm not gonna do the dishes
1251
00:47:48,120 --> 00:47:50,040
and deprive my husband
of winning a crystal.
1252
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:51,480
Are you mad?
1253
00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:56,600
Give me a "woo"
if you've heard of the term
1254
00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:58,880
"the seven signs of ageing".
1255
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:00,720
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
- Oh, that's quite a lot of you.
1256
00:48:00,880 --> 00:48:02,880
For those of you who haven't,
let me tell you what they are.
1257
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:05,080
The seven signs
of ageing are this...
1258
00:48:05,240 --> 00:48:07,360
dark spots, wrinkles
1259
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:09,600
saggy skin, dry skin
1260
00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:12,640
dull skin and visible pores.
1261
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:14,560
And the reason
they're all skin related
1262
00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:18,040
is because this is what we're
told by skin-care companies.
1263
00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:20,760
This is not what my seven signs
of ageing are.
1264
00:48:20,920 --> 00:48:22,560
I've written them down for you.
1265
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:24,680
Let me tell you.
1266
00:48:24,840 --> 00:48:26,200
This is my seven signs
of ageing.
1267
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:28,800
Number one, you have
more baths than showers
1268
00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:30,360
mostly because you got more time
1269
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:33,000
but also because sometimes
things need a steep.
1270
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:35,160
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1271
00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:45,840
Number two, the menopause,
which mostly affects women
1272
00:48:46,080 --> 00:48:48,520
but can affect some men
who live with the women
1273
00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:50,640
who are going through
the menopause.
1274
00:48:51,520 --> 00:48:53,640
And to those men I say,
"Boo-fucking-hoo!"
1275
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:56,040
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1276
00:48:56,200 --> 00:48:57,520
One thing you might not know is
1277
00:48:57,680 --> 00:48:58,840
that before the menopause
is something called
1278
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:00,240
the "perimenopause"
1279
00:49:00,400 --> 00:49:02,840
and before that
is the peri-perimenopause
1280
00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:04,160
where you still get
the hot sweats
1281
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:06,040
but they smell
of lemon and herb.
1282
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:07,760
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1283
00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:09,680
Some of you are pretending
you're too posh
1284
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:11,520
for a Nando's joke
1285
00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:13,320
which is hilarious
1286
00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:15,480
given where we are.
1287
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:17,400
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1288
00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:19,600
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
1289
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:22,640
[SARAH GIGGLES]
1290
00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:24,240
Number three, your neck.
1291
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:26,160
People look at your neck
a lot more after you hit 40.
1292
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:27,600
My neck is fine.
Thanks very much.
1293
00:49:27,760 --> 00:49:29,240
All I have...
1294
00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:30,880
and it's nothing medical,
it's nothing to worry about
1295
00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:34,600
is a line that goes across it
from left to right.
1296
00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:35,840
What it looks like,
it looks like
1297
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,520
I was beheaded
a long time ago
1298
00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:41,480
and it's healing really well.
1299
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:44,000
The only trouble
I ever get from my neck
1300
00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:46,120
is that every now and again,
that line...
1301
00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:47,920
needs a little dust.
1302
00:49:54,240 --> 00:49:55,520
Number four, piles.
1303
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:57,720
Give us a cheer.
No, don't, don't.
1304
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:00,320
I occasionally suffer
from piles.
1305
00:50:00,480 --> 00:50:03,560
How I know they're bad is
that my farts sound different.
1306
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:12,200
Number five,
you need a weekly tablet box.
1307
00:50:12,360 --> 00:50:14,920
Give me a "woo" if you, like me,
use a weekly tablet box?
1308
00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:16,720
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
- Loads of you.
1309
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:18,560
Sometimes it's the only way
I know what day it is.
1310
00:50:18,720 --> 00:50:21,520
"Oh, Tuesday's tablets,
must be fucking Tuesday".
1311
00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:23,600
When I collect
my tablets from the chemist
1312
00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:24,960
they fill a shopping bag.
1313
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:27,080
They fill
a fucking shopping bag.
1314
00:50:27,240 --> 00:50:28,560
Now, the last time this happened
1315
00:50:28,720 --> 00:50:30,120
I bumped into
a woman that I know
1316
00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:31,880
I'd call her a friend,
but I wouldn't mean it.
1317
00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:33,400
We've all got those people,
haven't we?
1318
00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:35,000
You know those people?
1319
00:50:35,160 --> 00:50:36,600
You don't remember
how you got them in your life
1320
00:50:36,760 --> 00:50:37,720
so you don't know how to get
fucking rid of them.
1321
00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:39,360
She's one of those.
1322
00:50:39,520 --> 00:50:41,440
She's not a nice lady.
She makes me feel uncomfortable.
1323
00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:43,000
But I bumped into her,
she pointed to my
1324
00:50:43,160 --> 00:50:45,040
thankfully unmarked,
shopping bag
1325
00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:48,880
and she said, "Eee, have you
been treating yourself?"
1326
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:50,360
And I just said, "Yeah"
1327
00:50:50,520 --> 00:50:51,840
cos I thought,
"What's the alternative?"
1328
00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:53,720
What I really want to say is,
"Oh no.
1329
00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:55,560
In here are some anxiety meds
1330
00:50:55,720 --> 00:50:59,240
that make this fucking
conversation bearable".
1331
00:51:03,080 --> 00:51:04,960
Also, if we do have any
really young people in the room
1332
00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:07,160
a pillbox is not what you take
to a nightclub.
1333
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:08,520
Different thing.
1334
00:51:09,400 --> 00:51:10,840
Although, if you are
in a nightclub
1335
00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:12,640
it's still important
to take your meds, isn't it?
1336
00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:14,640
My thyroid's not
going to start working
1337
00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:16,120
just cos I've had
a Hooch, is it?
1338
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:17,240
No.
1339
00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:21,440
Number six, your skin.
1340
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:22,520
People look
at your skin when you're born
1341
00:51:22,680 --> 00:51:24,080
and then nothing for 40 years
1342
00:51:24,240 --> 00:51:26,120
and then everybody's got
a fucking opinion
1343
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:27,560
about your skin.
1344
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:29,080
A friend of mine said,
"Your skin's nice".
1345
00:51:29,240 --> 00:51:30,680
I said, "Thank you".
1346
00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:32,040
She said, "Can I ask you
a question"? I said, "Sure".
1347
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:33,800
She said, "Do you use fillers"?
1348
00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:36,120
Now I'm about
to tell you something
1349
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:38,560
that you might find a little bit
disappointing in me
1350
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,800
because I said, "Yes, it's true,
I do use fillers
1351
00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:42,240
but not the traditional kind.
1352
00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:43,920
I call them cakes and pies".
1353
00:51:44,080 --> 00:51:46,000
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1354
00:51:48,920 --> 00:51:50,320
Why put poison in your face
1355
00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:52,600
when you could put
lovely things in your mouth?
1356
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:55,520
I just don't understand
the logic. I really don't.
1357
00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:57,120
I do like to buy skincare.
1358
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:58,800
I refuse, however, to buy
anything that calls itself
1359
00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:00,200
"anti-wrinkle"
1360
00:52:00,360 --> 00:52:01,960
because I myself am not
anti-wrinkle.
1361
00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:03,880
I've got wrinkles. I'll get
more, it's absolutely fine.
1362
00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:05,680
I'm not going to spend
30 quid on something
1363
00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:07,720
that reckons it stops
fucking time.
1364
00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:09,560
I'm not doing that.
1365
00:52:09,720 --> 00:52:12,720
I buy moisturiser for the same
reason we all buy moisturiser
1366
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:14,120
because isn't it nice to feel
1367
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:16,360
a little bit slippy
before bedtime.
1368
00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:18,360
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1369
00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:20,160
The last time I bought skincare
1370
00:52:20,320 --> 00:52:21,640
the website
I bought it from said
1371
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:23,120
because you've spent
over X amount of money
1372
00:52:23,280 --> 00:52:24,760
you're entitled
to a free sample.
1373
00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:26,280
Choose one of the following
things, we'll send it on.
1374
00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:27,760
Great, I love a freebie.
1375
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:31,200
The one I chose, though,
was purely out of curiosity
1376
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:33,680
because it was called
"Youth Serum"
1377
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:36,960
and I thought, "What the fuck
is youth serum?"
1378
00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:39,000
Are they going to send me
the skin of a child
1379
00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:40,560
to lie over my own?
1380
00:52:41,240 --> 00:52:42,760
Then I thought,
what if it looks like
1381
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:43,880
teddy bear ham?
1382
00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:46,400
I fucking love teddy bear ham!
1383
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:52,280
And then I thought,
how youth are we talking?
1384
00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:53,960
Am I gonna get pulled over
by the police
1385
00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:55,600
while I'm driving my car
1386
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:57,240
and they're gonna go,
"How are you driving this?"
1387
00:52:57,400 --> 00:52:59,000
And I'm going to go, "I'm 47
1388
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:01,640
I'm just covered
in teddy bear ham, look!"
1389
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:03,840
But also, "Youth Serum",
to me
1390
00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:06,520
sounds too much like
teenage boys' jizz.
1391
00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:07,880
Urgh!
1392
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:11,560
[IN A CROSS VOICE]: "Your sheets
are covered in youth serum
1393
00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:13,880
Jamie, you dirty
fucking bastard".
1394
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:17,080
I imagine there's factories
1395
00:53:17,240 --> 00:53:20,320
just teenage lad lined up
after teenage lad
1396
00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:23,440
cracking one out to a catalogue.
1397
00:53:27,240 --> 00:53:29,800
And number seven on my list
of the seven signs of ageing
1398
00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:32,360
is fuck you,
it's a privilege to get old
1399
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:34,920
because not everybody
gets the chance.
1400
00:53:35,080 --> 00:53:37,640
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
1401
00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:45,120
And I don't just mean
people we've lost.
1402
00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:46,640
I also mean people like Madonna.
1403
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:48,240
Stay with me. So...
1404
00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:51,560
Whenever Madonna pops up
on my Instagram
1405
00:53:51,720 --> 00:53:53,440
I always feel bad for her.
Poor Madonna.
1406
00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:55,000
Why isn't she allowed
to get old?
1407
00:53:55,160 --> 00:53:56,440
Doesn't seem fair that we're all
allowed to get old
1408
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:57,840
and she isn't.
1409
00:53:58,000 --> 00:53:59,640
I would like
to never see Madonna again
1410
00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:01,240
cos then I can imagine
she's retired.
1411
00:54:01,400 --> 00:54:03,080
She's clocked off.
1412
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:05,800
She's sitting on the sofa in,
like, stained jogging bottoms
1413
00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:08,480
watching Escape to the Country,
on a loop.
1414
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:10,640
Maybe she pops to B&Q
1415
00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:12,840
and treats herself to one
of those garden kneeler pads
1416
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:14,640
you know
the garden kneeler pads?
1417
00:54:14,800 --> 00:54:17,360
Doesn't even cross her mind
she could use it for blowjobs.
1418
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:19,040
Doesn't even cross her mind!
1419
00:54:19,640 --> 00:54:21,000
Cos she's retired.
1420
00:54:21,760 --> 00:54:23,880
She could hang her crucifix
back up on the wall
1421
00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:25,720
instead of jamming it
in her fanny
1422
00:54:25,880 --> 00:54:27,080
like she did when I saw her
1423
00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:29,520
at the Manchester arena
that time.
1424
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:31,520
I'm sure Jesus
would be relieved.
1425
00:54:32,480 --> 00:54:35,480
And he's been in some tough
spots, as we know.
1426
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:37,880
She could reappropriate
her cone bra
1427
00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:40,200
for when people come round,
turn it upside down
1428
00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,720
crisps in one,
nuts in the other.
1429
00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:46,120
I think it might be
because she's in America.
1430
00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:48,040
I think if she was over here,
we'd treat her better.
1431
00:54:48,200 --> 00:54:49,560
I think if she was over here
1432
00:54:49,720 --> 00:54:51,520
the rest of her career
would pan out as follows.
1433
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:54,840
I think she'd do six months
behind the bar at the Queen Vic
1434
00:54:55,800 --> 00:54:58,240
then she'd do a regional
theatre tour of Calendar Girls
1435
00:54:58,400 --> 00:55:00,240
with two Loose Women
and a Nolan.
1436
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:03,920
And finally she would fuck
a professional dancer.
1437
00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:05,680
Sorry. Do Strictly.
1438
00:55:09,440 --> 00:55:11,840
You do, you do have to spare
a thought for the people
1439
00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:13,560
who aren't allowed to get old.
1440
00:55:13,720 --> 00:55:16,080
I, for one, can't wait
to let myself go...
1441
00:55:16,240 --> 00:55:17,240
a bit more.
1442
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,720
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1443
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:20,720
But we all started buying
stuff online, didn't we?
1444
00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:22,600
One of the things
I had to start buying online
1445
00:55:22,760 --> 00:55:24,240
was sanitary towels.
1446
00:55:24,400 --> 00:55:26,680
Give me a "woo" if you're more
of a tampon kind of gal?
1447
00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:27,880
[SOME WOMEN]: Woo!
- Yeah.
1448
00:55:28,040 --> 00:55:29,400
Anybody like a sanitary towel?
1449
00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:30,400
[SOME WOMEN WHOOP]
1450
00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:32,080
Anybody favour a moon cup?
1451
00:55:32,240 --> 00:55:33,560
[WOMEN MURMUR]
- Yeah, a couple of people.
1452
00:55:33,720 --> 00:55:35,480
I don't think my husband
definitely knows
1453
00:55:35,640 --> 00:55:37,120
what moon cups are
1454
00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:39,160
cos I mentioned them to him
and he went
1455
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:41,600
♪ "Moon Cup dot com" ♪
1456
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:49,440
It's not a really clever way
they've found
1457
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:51,680
if you've been able to send
some menstrual blood
1458
00:55:51,840 --> 00:55:54,280
to your Auntie Jenny
for her birthday.
1459
00:55:54,720 --> 00:55:56,520
"Ooh, look, it says
you can personalise it.
1460
00:55:56,680 --> 00:55:58,520
Let's write 'Jenny'
in all the clots".
1461
00:55:58,840 --> 00:56:00,520
[AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS]
1462
00:56:01,720 --> 00:56:03,360
[SARAH LAUGHS]
1463
00:56:04,480 --> 00:56:05,680
But I think
we're loyal, aren't we?
1464
00:56:05,840 --> 00:56:07,200
We're loyal to brands
that we like.
1465
00:56:07,360 --> 00:56:08,920
I could spot
the kind of sanitary towel
1466
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:11,560
I've always used
at 100 yards in a Superdrug.
1467
00:56:11,720 --> 00:56:13,160
That's the sort of test
you should be doing
1468
00:56:13,320 --> 00:56:14,240
at the fucking optician.
1469
00:56:14,400 --> 00:56:15,680
I'd have nailed that!
1470
00:56:16,760 --> 00:56:18,480
Do I know what they're called
when I have to type them
1471
00:56:18,640 --> 00:56:20,600
into a computer?
Do I shite.
1472
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:22,560
I went on the Boots app
1473
00:56:22,720 --> 00:56:24,280
and I thought,
"How many different kinds
1474
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:27,240
of sanitary towels
can there possibly be?"
1475
00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:29,520
Turns out a bazillion.
1476
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:32,920
And they all have sort of key
words on them
1477
00:56:33,080 --> 00:56:35,280
like "discreet"
1478
00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:37,080
"sensitive"
1479
00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:39,080
"pro-fresh"
1480
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:41,160
"instant dry"
1481
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:43,000
and "long", and I thought...
1482
00:56:43,480 --> 00:56:45,760
"Yes, I'll have
all of those things, please".
1483
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:49,240
Turns out it's very much
an either/or situation.
1484
00:56:49,640 --> 00:56:52,480
I thought, who is choosing
between these things?
1485
00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:54,720
"Would you like them
to be discreet?"
1486
00:56:54,880 --> 00:56:57,480
"No, I don't mind
if people can tell".
1487
00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:05,000
"Would you like them
to be sensitive?"
1488
00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:07,760
"No, I don't mind
if me fanny is red raw".
1489
00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:15,720
"Would you like them
to be pro-fresh?"
1490
00:57:15,880 --> 00:57:18,200
"No, I don't mind
if I smell of roadkill".
1491
00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:25,760
"Would you like them
to be instant dry?"
1492
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:28,200
"No, I prefer to be always wet.
1493
00:57:29,760 --> 00:57:31,880
I like to feel like
I've either just pissed myself
1494
00:57:32,040 --> 00:57:33,800
or I'm super turned on".
1495
00:57:35,560 --> 00:57:36,920
"Would you like them
to be long?"
1496
00:57:37,080 --> 00:57:38,680
"No, as long as
it covers the..."
1497
00:57:38,840 --> 00:57:40,600
spout?
I don't know what it's called.
1498
00:57:40,760 --> 00:57:42,480
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1499
00:57:47,720 --> 00:57:48,880
One thing I didn't know is
1500
00:57:49,040 --> 00:57:50,640
that sanitary towels
are now sized
1501
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:52,280
and I don't mean
the size of the pad itself
1502
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:53,760
I mean the size of
the person wearing it.
1503
00:57:53,920 --> 00:57:55,400
I thought,
"Oh my God...
1504
00:57:55,560 --> 00:57:57,480
we as women get judged
on so many different things
1505
00:57:57,640 --> 00:58:00,720
and now I'm about to be judged
on the size of me twat.
1506
00:58:00,880 --> 00:58:02,480
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1507
00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:04,840
It's just a matter of time
before Grazia's telling us
1508
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:07,560
what size twat is fashionable
next spring.
1509
00:58:07,880 --> 00:58:10,000
But there is good news
for the fatties amongst us
1510
00:58:10,160 --> 00:58:12,960
cos it is based solely
on the size of your thigh gap.
1511
00:58:13,120 --> 00:58:13,880
Gap?
1512
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:14,840
Gap?
1513
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,040
Gap?
1514
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:18,000
What fucking gap?
1515
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,160
I've barely got a knee gap.
1516
00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:31,440
Although there was
a moment fairly recently
1517
00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:33,280
when I thought I might
actually have a thigh gap.
1518
00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:34,960
I walked past a mirror
in bra and knickers
1519
00:58:35,120 --> 00:58:36,800
and there was a chink of light
between my thighs
1520
00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:39,000
and I thought, "Fucking hell,
I have got a thigh gap!"
1521
00:58:39,160 --> 00:58:40,680
On closer inspection
1522
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:42,760
it was a bit of silver foil
off a two-stick KitKat.
1523
00:58:47,320 --> 00:58:50,200
My thighs are flush against
each other, as suspected.
1524
00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:53,320
I once caught a fork between
my thighs in a restaurant.
1525
00:58:53,720 --> 00:58:55,040
Hu-argh!
1526
00:58:56,600 --> 00:58:57,920
I think whatever
you've got down there
1527
00:58:58,080 --> 00:58:59,440
you shouldn't be judged
on the size of it.
1528
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:01,000
That's not fair, is it?
Having said that...
1529
00:59:01,160 --> 00:59:02,480
you know how men with big
dicks...
1530
00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:03,680
Give us a cheer! No, don't.
1531
00:59:03,840 --> 00:59:04,920
Don't!
1532
00:59:05,960 --> 00:59:08,280
You know how men with big dicks
sometimes use lube?
1533
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:10,600
Do men
with small dicks use chalk?
1534
00:59:10,760 --> 00:59:12,680
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1535
00:59:13,560 --> 00:59:15,080
It's a good question, isn't it?
1536
00:59:15,920 --> 00:59:17,960
There was a man the other day
said, "No, talc".
1537
00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:19,520
[SHE LAUGHS]
1538
00:59:19,680 --> 00:59:21,960
Genuinely wasn't expecting
somebody to answer.
1539
00:59:22,920 --> 00:59:24,840
And also talc has a different
image to me
1540
00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:26,840
cos talc's like that,
where chalk...
1541
00:59:27,000 --> 00:59:29,520
Why am I thinking chalk
like a fucking snooker cue?
1542
00:59:30,040 --> 00:59:31,880
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1543
00:59:38,120 --> 00:59:40,200
"Blow on that, will you, love,
before we get cracking?
1544
00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:41,400
Just blow on it".
1545
00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:49,000
I always get annoyed
by my period.
1546
00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:50,760
I've had period
for over 30 years.
1547
00:59:50,920 --> 00:59:52,600
I've never wanted children,
not a moment, not a flicker.
1548
00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:54,320
I'm sure
a lot of you have got kids
1549
00:59:54,480 --> 00:59:55,880
you're having a great time
and that's smashing for you.
1550
00:59:56,040 --> 00:59:57,360
It's not for me.
It's not for me at all.
1551
00:59:57,520 --> 00:59:59,000
The best way I can describe
how annoyed I get
1552
00:59:59,160 --> 01:00:00,880
every time my period starts
is like this.
1553
01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:02,320
Imagine you've got
a friend at work.
1554
01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:03,760
She's called Deborah.
She's great.
1555
01:00:03,920 --> 01:00:05,280
Deborah's got a rabbit hutch
1556
01:00:05,440 --> 01:00:07,000
and every month
she cleans it out.
1557
01:00:07,160 --> 01:00:08,800
Puts fresh bedding in,
fresh water in the water bottle
1558
01:00:08,960 --> 01:00:11,240
fresh food in the food bowl,
looks spotless. Amazing.
1559
01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:12,520
Spick and span.
1560
01:00:12,680 --> 01:00:14,080
And you say to her,
"Deborah...
1561
01:00:14,680 --> 01:00:16,480
are you ever
going to get a rabbit?"
1562
01:00:16,640 --> 01:00:19,000
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1563
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:26,760
And she goes,
"Nah, I fucking hate them".
1564
01:00:26,920 --> 01:00:28,800
That's what periods are to me.
1565
01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:31,840
I feel like I'm making up
the guest bedroom
1566
01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:34,600
for a visitor
that will ruin my fucking life.
1567
01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:37,640
Enjoy your new baby, madam.
1568
01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:48,400
But I also have
very heavy periods.
1569
01:00:48,880 --> 01:00:50,960
Not today. Not in any danger
on the front there.
1570
01:00:51,120 --> 01:00:52,800
Huargh!
Wouldn't do that to you.
1571
01:00:53,880 --> 01:00:55,000
I do have very heavy periods.
1572
01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:56,480
You know the old saying
1573
01:00:56,640 --> 01:00:58,280
"It's like trying to get
blood out of a stone"?
1574
01:00:58,440 --> 01:01:00,080
I think they should update that.
1575
01:01:00,680 --> 01:01:01,840
I think it now should be
1576
01:01:02,000 --> 01:01:02,960
"Eee, it's like trying
to get blood
1577
01:01:03,120 --> 01:01:04,360
out of a mattress
topper".
1578
01:01:07,760 --> 01:01:09,120
"In a hotel".
1579
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:12,720
I do have very heavy periods.
1580
01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:14,080
I feel like
the beginning of my period...
1581
01:01:14,240 --> 01:01:15,760
It's quite tricky
to explain this.
1582
01:01:15,920 --> 01:01:18,160
At the beginning of my period,
it's a little bit like
1583
01:01:18,320 --> 01:01:20,880
my arse is in competition.
1584
01:01:21,640 --> 01:01:23,480
Oh, some of you already know
what I mean. That's good.
1585
01:01:23,640 --> 01:01:24,800
That's helpful.
1586
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:26,080
It's a little bit like
my arse is going
1587
01:01:26,240 --> 01:01:28,800
"Oh, are we have a big
clear-out?
1588
01:01:34,040 --> 01:01:36,600
I'll have a big clear-out
as well, if that's alright?"
1589
01:01:40,440 --> 01:01:41,680
I feel at the beginning
of my period
1590
01:01:41,840 --> 01:01:43,120
nothing could shock me.
1591
01:01:43,280 --> 01:01:44,640
Nothing could shock me.
1592
01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:46,280
If I turn round,
looked down that toilet
1593
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:47,920
there was a dead rat
just floating...
1594
01:01:49,120 --> 01:01:50,640
I'd be like,
"Sure, makes sense".
1595
01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:53,320
The cast of The Walking Dead,
just climbing out.
1596
01:01:54,040 --> 01:01:57,000
The girl off The Ringpopping
up over the side.
1597
01:01:57,160 --> 01:01:58,800
Sometimes I look down
that toilet
1598
01:01:58,960 --> 01:02:02,200
looks like the first 20 minutes
of Saving Private Ryan.
1599
01:02:07,360 --> 01:02:09,880
I did say there would be
some upsetting scenes.
1600
01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:15,760
But I feel like the, um,
the pre-sex routine
1601
01:02:15,920 --> 01:02:18,280
the preparation before sex,
if you like
1602
01:02:18,440 --> 01:02:21,000
is very different for men
as it is for women.
1603
01:02:21,160 --> 01:02:24,960
For example, the first thing
I do is I put my sex glasses on.
1604
01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:28,760
They're varifocals.
1605
01:02:32,440 --> 01:02:34,760
So I can see what's going
and what's coming.
1606
01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:37,600
Maybe you try an activity.
1607
01:02:37,760 --> 01:02:38,680
A friend of mine told me her
and her partner
1608
01:02:38,840 --> 01:02:40,200
tried a bit of role play
1609
01:02:40,360 --> 01:02:41,640
where they pretended
they'd never met before
1610
01:02:41,800 --> 01:02:43,240
to make it a bit sexier.
1611
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:45,320
We've done a version of that.
1612
01:02:45,640 --> 01:02:48,240
We sometimes pretend
we're people who aren't tired.
1613
01:02:50,880 --> 01:02:53,200
And he pretends I'm a woman
who's shaved her legs.
1614
01:02:55,920 --> 01:02:58,480
I spend proper time on the
preparation though, proper time.
1615
01:02:58,640 --> 01:03:01,480
One of the first things I do,
is I hack it back.
1616
01:03:03,320 --> 01:03:05,160
Some of you know what I mean.
Some of you aren't so sure.
1617
01:03:05,320 --> 01:03:06,600
If you're not sure what I mean
1618
01:03:06,760 --> 01:03:08,240
I'm sure you've seen
a nature documentary
1619
01:03:08,400 --> 01:03:10,760
where somebody has to clear
a path with a machete.
1620
01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:12,320
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1621
01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:14,480
It's a bit like that.
1622
01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:16,200
Can't always see
what I'm doing down there
1623
01:03:16,360 --> 01:03:17,880
there's lots of boobs
and bellies in the way.
1624
01:03:18,040 --> 01:03:20,880
Sometimes I set up a complicated
system of mirrors.
1625
01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:24,000
Mostly I just do it by feel.
1626
01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:26,360
And they say
childbirth is painful
1627
01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:28,720
and I'm sure it is,
but it can't be as bad
1628
01:03:28,880 --> 01:03:31,240
as nipping a lip
in your craft scissors.
1629
01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:43,040
Even now whenever I trim the fat
off bacon, I get flashbacks.
1630
01:03:48,040 --> 01:03:50,400
I don't trim the fat off bacon!
1631
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:55,920
I treat my pre-sex routine like
I'm trying to sell a house.
1632
01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:57,640
Clear away excess foliage
1633
01:03:57,800 --> 01:04:00,280
Febreze the soft furnishings...
1634
01:04:00,640 --> 01:04:01,680
familiar bread smell...
1635
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:02,840
yeast.
1636
01:04:06,520 --> 01:04:08,440
It's different for blokes,
though, isn't it?
1637
01:04:08,600 --> 01:04:10,120
In my limited experience
1638
01:04:10,280 --> 01:04:12,000
straight men just wash
their cocks.
1639
01:04:12,160 --> 01:04:13,720
That's it, isn't it? Just...
1640
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:16,440
Not even always all of it,
sometimes just the end part.
1641
01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:19,440
Of course, some of them
have to wash all the chalk off.
1642
01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:20,640
Ah!
1643
01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:23,520
But I said to my husband, I said
1644
01:04:23,680 --> 01:04:25,080
"Horses do more than you".
1645
01:04:25,240 --> 01:04:26,640
He said, "What"?
1646
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:28,840
I said, "Horses do more
than you". It's true.
1647
01:04:29,000 --> 01:04:30,280
I've got a friend.
She's got a horse.
1648
01:04:30,440 --> 01:04:31,960
Her horse has a special lady
1649
01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:34,400
who comes out
just to wash his knob.
1650
01:04:34,960 --> 01:04:37,120
I mean,
how do you get into that?
1651
01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:39,200
And by that, I don't mean...
1652
01:04:39,360 --> 01:04:40,520
[IN A LUSTFUL VOICE]:
"How do you get into that?"
1653
01:04:42,680 --> 01:04:44,240
Also, how
at the end of your tether
1654
01:04:44,400 --> 01:04:46,440
as a careers advisor are you
1655
01:04:46,680 --> 01:04:48,560
before you slam shut
your folder and go
1656
01:04:48,720 --> 01:04:50,520
[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "How are you
with horses' cocks"?
1657
01:04:54,440 --> 01:04:56,480
It's done for medical reasons,
done for health reasons.
1658
01:04:56,640 --> 01:04:58,400
They do it because they have
to clear out what are called
1659
01:04:58,560 --> 01:04:59,400
"smeg beans"...
1660
01:04:59,560 --> 01:05:00,840
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
1661
01:05:01,000 --> 01:05:02,320
...which are exactly
what you think they are.
1662
01:05:02,480 --> 01:05:04,000
Don't they also sound
a little bit like
1663
01:05:04,160 --> 01:05:05,800
something you could get
from IKEA?
1664
01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:08,720
"I only went in
for a nest of tables
1665
01:05:08,880 --> 01:05:11,080
came out with a massive bag
of smeg beans".
1666
01:05:12,760 --> 01:05:14,320
I was trying to explain
to my husband what they were
1667
01:05:14,480 --> 01:05:16,240
and I sort
of nervously Googled it.
1668
01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:17,840
You know,
Google has a habit of finishing
1669
01:05:18,000 --> 01:05:19,480
the rest of the search for you.
1670
01:05:19,640 --> 01:05:21,120
I typed in "smeg beans"
and Google went
1671
01:05:21,280 --> 01:05:22,800
"smeg beans grinder",
and I was like
1672
01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:25,360
"How bad are they that you have
to grind them off?"
1673
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:27,720
And then I realised it's a posh
coffee machine, isn't it?
1674
01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:29,440
"Smeg beans grinder".
1675
01:05:29,600 --> 01:05:30,800
Ah!
1676
01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:32,280
Also explains
why John Lewis had it
1677
01:05:32,440 --> 01:05:34,000
in four different colours.
1678
01:05:36,880 --> 01:05:38,160
When I had...
1679
01:05:38,520 --> 01:05:41,120
had a smear test
before the first lockdown.
1680
01:05:41,280 --> 01:05:43,560
Not like my friend who had to
have one during the lockdown.
1681
01:05:43,720 --> 01:05:45,680
She had awful trouble getting
her fanny at the right angle
1682
01:05:45,840 --> 01:05:47,080
for the Zoom meeting.
1683
01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:54,000
And she had, as she told me
1684
01:05:54,160 --> 01:05:55,760
she'd let herself
"flourish down there".
1685
01:05:55,920 --> 01:05:57,640
That's her words, not mine,
she'd let herself flourish.
1686
01:05:57,800 --> 01:05:59,760
She said in order for them
to see anything at all
1687
01:05:59,920 --> 01:06:01,760
she had to use
a couple of scrunchies.
1688
01:06:01,920 --> 01:06:03,640
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1689
01:06:09,080 --> 01:06:11,240
I was very lucky, I had mine
before the first lockdown.
1690
01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:13,000
Give me a "woo" if you've had
a smear test
1691
01:06:13,160 --> 01:06:14,200
in the last three years?
1692
01:06:14,360 --> 01:06:15,640
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
1693
01:06:15,800 --> 01:06:17,000
All very proud of ourselves,
as we should be.
1694
01:06:17,160 --> 01:06:18,600
It's very important.
1695
01:06:18,760 --> 01:06:20,040
I made an appointment
at the doctors, went along
1696
01:06:20,200 --> 01:06:21,720
to the doctor's surgery,
went to the nurse's room
1697
01:06:21,880 --> 01:06:23,240
she pulled the curtain round,
told me to get undressed.
1698
01:06:23,400 --> 01:06:25,120
All very normal so far.
1699
01:06:25,280 --> 01:06:28,000
I took off my trainers,
my socks, my jeans, my knickers
1700
01:06:28,160 --> 01:06:30,360
there was a flicker of a second
where I forgot where I was
1701
01:06:30,520 --> 01:06:31,760
I was quite tired that day
1702
01:06:31,920 --> 01:06:34,120
and I also took off
my top and my bra.
1703
01:06:35,920 --> 01:06:37,560
I thought, I'm gonna have
to really quickly
1704
01:06:37,720 --> 01:06:39,600
put these back on again or she's
going to whip the curtain back
1705
01:06:39,760 --> 01:06:41,040
and think it's a date.
1706
01:06:43,200 --> 01:06:45,120
But as I was putting my top
and my bra back on
1707
01:06:45,280 --> 01:06:46,840
she shouted
over the top of the curtain
1708
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:49,480
"What size speculum are you?"
1709
01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:52,760
And I thought,
"Am I supposed to know that?"
1710
01:06:52,920 --> 01:06:54,320
I've got a horrible feeling
1711
01:06:54,480 --> 01:06:56,120
it's one of my security
questions at the bank.
1712
01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:01,200
Cos I never know the answers
to them, either.
1713
01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:04,160
I think we're all fairly worldly
wise in this room here tonight
1714
01:07:04,320 --> 01:07:06,800
but if anybody genuinely doesn't
know what a speculum is
1715
01:07:07,120 --> 01:07:10,000
the best way I can describe it
to you, it's basically a carjack
1716
01:07:10,160 --> 01:07:11,560
but for fannies.
1717
01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:19,600
It's very much that bit.
1718
01:07:19,760 --> 01:07:20,800
It's not the bit where they go
in with a spoon...
1719
01:07:20,960 --> 01:07:22,440
It's not a spoon, is it?
1720
01:07:22,600 --> 01:07:24,640
If she asked me what size spoon
I was, I'd be like
1721
01:07:24,800 --> 01:07:26,200
"I'd like to think a table
1722
01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:28,400
but I've got a horrible feeling
I'm a ladle".
1723
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,800
I didn't know
what size speculum I was.
1724
01:07:35,960 --> 01:07:37,480
I texted my husband
cos I thought
1725
01:07:37,640 --> 01:07:39,680
"He's been down there a bit,
he might have an idea".
1726
01:07:40,080 --> 01:07:42,480
He just sent back a picture
of three of his fingers.
1727
01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:54,200
Or two,
if you're a Polish handyman.
1728
01:07:58,720 --> 01:07:59,960
But after
the smear test was over
1729
01:08:00,120 --> 01:08:01,640
I went into the reception area.
1730
01:08:01,800 --> 01:08:03,760
The lady on reception, as soon
as she saw me approach
1731
01:08:03,920 --> 01:08:05,200
she said, "Well done".
1732
01:08:05,360 --> 01:08:06,960
And I thought that was lovely.
1733
01:08:07,120 --> 01:08:08,360
And I said as much. I said,
"Thanks so much for saying that.
1734
01:08:08,520 --> 01:08:10,200
We all worry
about these appointments
1735
01:08:10,360 --> 01:08:12,480
but they're over in seconds,
only really a bit uncomfortable
1736
01:08:12,640 --> 01:08:14,240
and they're so important".
1737
01:08:14,400 --> 01:08:15,960
I said "I was worried about it,
but I'm glad I've been.
1738
01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:17,719
Thanks so much for saying that.
It means a lot to me".
1739
01:08:17,880 --> 01:08:19,760
She said,
"What do you think I said"?
1740
01:08:21,360 --> 01:08:22,600
I said,
"You said well done".
1741
01:08:22,760 --> 01:08:24,559
She said,
"I said, all done."
1742
01:08:24,719 --> 01:08:26,000
Ah shit!
1743
01:08:27,440 --> 01:08:30,000
So I picked up my lolly
and my sticker and I fucked off.
1744
01:08:34,000 --> 01:08:36,639
Actually, while I'm on
this kind of subject
1745
01:08:36,880 --> 01:08:38,399
I've got something to tell you.
1746
01:08:38,559 --> 01:08:40,200
There's no comedy here,
I need to tell you this, though.
1747
01:08:40,360 --> 01:08:42,319
I went for a mammogram.
It was my first one.
1748
01:08:42,479 --> 01:08:43,880
It was routine,
it was all clear.
1749
01:08:44,040 --> 01:08:45,040
The lady said to me,
"Did you find
1750
01:08:45,200 --> 01:08:46,800
that it hurt very much?"
1751
01:08:46,960 --> 01:08:48,440
And I said, "No, it was just a
bit uncomfortable really".
1752
01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:50,120
She said, "People always think
that it hurts a lot
1753
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:52,080
and it stops them from coming,
and it's so important
1754
01:08:52,240 --> 01:08:54,160
that people come and get checked
and get checked early".
1755
01:08:54,319 --> 01:08:55,800
She said, "Could you
do me a favour?
1756
01:08:55,960 --> 01:08:57,160
And could you tell your
friends?"
1757
01:08:57,319 --> 01:08:58,559
And I got home that night
and I thought
1758
01:08:58,719 --> 01:09:00,160
"I think I can go
one better than that"
1759
01:09:00,319 --> 01:09:01,800
and I can tell all
of the glorious women
1760
01:09:01,960 --> 01:09:04,120
in my audiences
every single night on tour
1761
01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:06,240
to get your tits checked,
please.
1762
01:09:06,559 --> 01:09:08,080
No joke, just a fact.
1763
01:09:08,240 --> 01:09:10,040
It's not that bad,
just get it done.
1764
01:09:10,200 --> 01:09:12,639
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
1765
01:09:17,479 --> 01:09:19,600
But we all gained weight
in the last few years. Yes?
1766
01:09:19,760 --> 01:09:21,080
[AUDIENCE]: Yeah.
- Yeah.
1767
01:09:21,240 --> 01:09:22,840
I decided I wanted to try
and lose a bit of weight
1768
01:09:23,000 --> 01:09:24,200
just the weight I gained
in the lockdown
1769
01:09:24,360 --> 01:09:25,399
That was my plan,
and most people
1770
01:09:25,559 --> 01:09:27,120
when they decide
to lose weight
1771
01:09:27,280 --> 01:09:28,360
there's something that starts
them off, spurs them on
1772
01:09:28,520 --> 01:09:29,559
kind of keeps them going.
1773
01:09:29,719 --> 01:09:31,200
Maybe there's a holiday photo
1774
01:09:31,360 --> 01:09:33,040
and they don't quite like
how they look in it.
1775
01:09:33,200 --> 01:09:35,040
Or maybe they're sitting
in a bath of gravy
1776
01:09:35,200 --> 01:09:37,440
and it's not even
for Children in Need.
1777
01:09:39,160 --> 01:09:41,160
For me, it was
when I sat on a public toilet
1778
01:09:41,319 --> 01:09:43,920
and the sanny bin opened
and I hadn't asked it to.
1779
01:09:45,760 --> 01:09:46,960
"Did you want me?"
1780
01:09:47,120 --> 01:09:49,440
No, but my arse cheeks
seem to disagree.
1781
01:09:50,440 --> 01:09:51,800
But I tried really hard.
I tried really hard.
1782
01:09:51,960 --> 01:09:53,399
And I lost two stone.
That's alright, isn't it?
1783
01:09:53,559 --> 01:09:54,920
I lost two stone.
That's pretty good.
1784
01:09:55,080 --> 01:09:56,320
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Oh, that's very kind of you.
1785
01:09:56,480 --> 01:09:57,719
Thank you.
1786
01:09:57,920 --> 01:09:59,240
I say two stone,
it was the same half a stone
1787
01:09:59,400 --> 01:10:01,120
four different times.
1788
01:10:02,520 --> 01:10:03,680
Nobody gives a shit
1789
01:10:03,840 --> 01:10:05,280
if you tell them
you've lost half a stone.
1790
01:10:05,440 --> 01:10:07,120
Everybody knows it's just
two big dinners
1791
01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:08,520
and a chocolate orange
1792
01:10:08,680 --> 01:10:10,200
and the fucker's back on again,
isn't it?
1793
01:10:11,000 --> 01:10:12,040
But I've always had a belly
1794
01:10:12,200 --> 01:10:13,520
even when
I was much, much slimmer.
1795
01:10:13,680 --> 01:10:14,880
I've always had a belly.
I always get offended
1796
01:10:15,040 --> 01:10:16,400
when people think
that this is pregnant
1797
01:10:16,559 --> 01:10:18,920
like I would ever let
a pregnancy get this far!
1798
01:10:19,080 --> 01:10:20,840
No!
1799
01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:23,719
But I did a thing
the January before last
1800
01:10:23,880 --> 01:10:25,680
that I think a lot of people do,
especially in January
1801
01:10:25,840 --> 01:10:28,240
I downloaded a diet app.
1802
01:10:28,400 --> 01:10:29,639
Now, the phone I was using
at the time was
1803
01:10:29,800 --> 01:10:31,120
a thumb-recognition phone.
1804
01:10:31,280 --> 01:10:32,600
It didn't immediately
recognise my thumb.
1805
01:10:32,760 --> 01:10:34,240
It just kept juddering.
1806
01:10:34,400 --> 01:10:35,719
First of all, I thought my phone
was just really clever
1807
01:10:35,880 --> 01:10:37,240
and it was like
"It's a diet app.
1808
01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:39,160
We have clearly been stolen".
1809
01:10:39,480 --> 01:10:40,719
And then I looked at my thumb
1810
01:10:40,880 --> 01:10:42,520
and it was just
covered in biscuit.
1811
01:10:44,400 --> 01:10:45,840
So I licked the biscuit off
cos I thought
1812
01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:47,160
it might be
my last biscuit in a while
1813
01:10:47,320 --> 01:10:49,360
and I downloaded
the diet app.
1814
01:10:49,520 --> 01:10:50,840
What came with the diet app
1815
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:52,760
was a WhatsApp group
of other participants.
1816
01:10:52,920 --> 01:10:54,760
It was open to all, but my group
happened to be all women
1817
01:10:54,920 --> 01:10:56,160
and it was so we could
support each other
1818
01:10:56,320 --> 01:10:57,680
and help each other.
1819
01:10:57,840 --> 01:10:59,360
Everybody knows diets are
hard, and a bit shit.
1820
01:10:59,520 --> 01:11:02,040
Also in the WhatsApp group
was a nutritionist
1821
01:11:02,280 --> 01:11:05,160
who was no fun
at all, it transpired.
1822
01:11:05,400 --> 01:11:07,440
One of the women asked
a question of the rest of us
1823
01:11:07,600 --> 01:11:09,000
a perfectly reasonable question
1824
01:11:09,160 --> 01:11:11,040
especially on day one
of a new diet.
1825
01:11:11,240 --> 01:11:12,800
She said, "I'm having trouble
with my sweet craving.
1826
01:11:12,960 --> 01:11:15,080
Can anybody recommend something
that isn't bad for me
1827
01:11:15,240 --> 01:11:16,800
but will help?"
1828
01:11:16,960 --> 01:11:18,559
And one of the other women
responded almost immediately
1829
01:11:18,719 --> 01:11:21,559
and she said, "I usually find
a mug of hot water
1830
01:11:21,719 --> 01:11:25,000
with one small drop
of lemon works for me".
1831
01:11:25,160 --> 01:11:26,480
And I just thought
1832
01:11:26,639 --> 01:11:28,320
"I'm not going to make it
to the end of the week".
1833
01:11:29,800 --> 01:11:32,080
My suggestion was
going to be half a Twix.
1834
01:11:34,280 --> 01:11:36,160
Then the nutritionist,
she was called Poppy
1835
01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:38,080
of course she fucking was...
1836
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:40,520
she said,
"Can I just chip in?"
1837
01:11:40,680 --> 01:11:42,080
And I misread it and I was like
1838
01:11:42,240 --> 01:11:44,520
"Chips! Hooray! Nom, nom, nom".
1839
01:11:45,600 --> 01:11:47,200
She said,
"Just brush your teeth.
1840
01:11:47,360 --> 01:11:48,680
That fixes everything."
I thought, that's so unhelpful.
1841
01:11:48,840 --> 01:11:50,160
The only thing that would
help this hunger
1842
01:11:50,320 --> 01:11:51,920
if I could eat
me fucking toothbrush
1843
01:11:52,080 --> 01:11:53,840
cos I'm so hungry right now.
1844
01:11:54,000 --> 01:11:55,080
You daft cow.
1845
01:11:56,080 --> 01:11:57,760
Cows...
yum, yum, yum.
1846
01:11:59,040 --> 01:12:00,719
There were some recipes
that came with the diet.
1847
01:12:00,880 --> 01:12:02,040
I tried one of them.
1848
01:12:02,200 --> 01:12:03,520
It was how to make
banana pancakes
1849
01:12:03,680 --> 01:12:06,160
out of almost no ingredients.
1850
01:12:06,360 --> 01:12:09,040
The first time I tried them,
just looked like vomit in a pan.
1851
01:12:09,360 --> 01:12:11,760
Second time managed to make them
look a lot more like pancakes
1852
01:12:11,920 --> 01:12:13,440
and I was so excited
1853
01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:15,800
and a little bit light-headed
from all of the hunger
1854
01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:17,800
that when I ran from the kitchen
to show my husband
1855
01:12:17,960 --> 01:12:20,760
I tripped and the plate
smashed on the floor
1856
01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:23,160
but because it was a really low
point in the diet for me...
1857
01:12:23,320 --> 01:12:24,760
let's call it "day two"
1858
01:12:26,400 --> 01:12:28,320
I ate them off the floor!
1859
01:12:29,400 --> 01:12:31,840
Then I had to check to see
if the fragments of plate
1860
01:12:32,000 --> 01:12:34,240
and cat hair I'd also ingested
1861
01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:36,639
counted as my sins for the week.
1862
01:12:38,320 --> 01:12:39,840
One of the women in the group
got told off.
1863
01:12:40,000 --> 01:12:41,120
Told off, as an adult
1864
01:12:41,280 --> 01:12:43,000
got told off
for eating goji berries.
1865
01:12:43,160 --> 01:12:44,480
If you've never had goji berries
1866
01:12:44,639 --> 01:12:46,480
it's like chewing elastic bands.
1867
01:12:46,760 --> 01:12:48,440
She got told off because
goji berries are...
1868
01:12:48,600 --> 01:12:50,280
[IN A SMUG VOICE]:
"...full of natural sugar
1869
01:12:50,440 --> 01:12:52,200
not really allowed
on this plan".
1870
01:12:52,360 --> 01:12:53,719
She wasn't having Coco Pops
1871
01:12:53,880 --> 01:12:55,559
with cider poured on.
1872
01:12:56,200 --> 01:12:59,440
She was having goji berries
on her Bran Flakes.
1873
01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:03,440
Some sad sprinkled
on some more fucking sad.
1874
01:13:03,600 --> 01:13:05,840
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1875
01:13:07,200 --> 01:13:08,920
I got told off
for calling it a diet.
1876
01:13:09,080 --> 01:13:11,080
What I actually said was,
"I fucking hate this diet".
1877
01:13:11,240 --> 01:13:13,000
[IN A SMUG VOICE]: "We don't
like to call it a diet.
1878
01:13:13,160 --> 01:13:14,559
We prefer to call it
a way of life".
1879
01:13:14,719 --> 01:13:17,040
So I said, "I fucking
hate this way of life!"
1880
01:13:18,200 --> 01:13:19,280
She was right, though
1881
01:13:19,440 --> 01:13:20,600
cos it was also
my way of life
1882
01:13:20,760 --> 01:13:22,719
from the 3rd
to the 5th of January.
1883
01:13:24,040 --> 01:13:25,320
But I started to ask questions.
1884
01:13:25,480 --> 01:13:26,760
You've got a nutritionist
at your fingertips
1885
01:13:26,920 --> 01:13:28,520
why wouldn't you try
and learn something?
1886
01:13:28,680 --> 01:13:30,360
I said, "I've got some questions
for you, Poppy. Is that OK?"
1887
01:13:30,520 --> 01:13:32,639
She said,
"Fire away, anything you like".
1888
01:13:32,800 --> 01:13:33,960
I said,
"I've had a cherry
1889
01:13:34,120 --> 01:13:35,639
now, I thought it was OK
cos it's fruit
1890
01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:37,559
but now I'm not too sure,
it was on top of a Bakewell.
1891
01:13:37,719 --> 01:13:39,000
Is that OK?"
1892
01:13:41,760 --> 01:13:44,719
I've had an apple. Are apples
full of natural sugar as well?
1893
01:13:44,880 --> 01:13:46,200
It was surrounded
by something called...
1894
01:13:46,360 --> 01:13:47,120
What was it called?
1895
01:13:47,280 --> 01:13:48,880
Crumble, is that alright?
1896
01:13:51,040 --> 01:13:52,800
I've had a banana,
are bananas allowed?
1897
01:13:52,960 --> 01:13:54,559
I mean, I ate it
out of a strippers crotch.
1898
01:13:54,719 --> 01:13:56,160
Is that alright?
1899
01:13:56,960 --> 01:13:58,120
She said that was fine.
1900
01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:00,719
Then I explained
it was covered in cream.
1901
01:14:00,880 --> 01:14:01,760
I think it was cream.
1902
01:14:01,920 --> 01:14:03,440
I couldn't be sure, it was dark.
1903
01:14:03,600 --> 01:14:05,719
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
- [SARAH LAUGHS]
1904
01:14:09,040 --> 01:14:11,719
But the final straw for me
on my last day on the diet
1905
01:14:11,880 --> 01:14:13,360
or day three
1906
01:14:13,600 --> 01:14:15,920
was when Poppy came on
the WhatsApp group and she said
1907
01:14:16,080 --> 01:14:17,120
[IN A SMUG VOICE]:
"Hey, girls"...
1908
01:14:17,280 --> 01:14:18,639
Which always pissed me off
1909
01:14:18,800 --> 01:14:19,680
because we're all women
in our 40s and 50s.
1910
01:14:19,840 --> 01:14:21,200
Fuck off with your "girls".
1911
01:14:21,360 --> 01:14:22,840
[SMUG VOICE]:
"Hey, girls, can I just check
1912
01:14:23,000 --> 01:14:25,880
if you all definitely challenged
yourselves this week?"
1913
01:14:26,120 --> 01:14:27,680
And I was
the first to respond, I said
1914
01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:29,960
"I've challenged myself, Poppy".
1915
01:14:30,520 --> 01:14:32,520
She said, "Oh good, please
share it with a group".
1916
01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:33,960
I said,
"Gladly".
1917
01:14:34,400 --> 01:14:35,680
I said, "I challenged myself"
1918
01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:37,480
I said "I walked into Asda.
1919
01:14:37,960 --> 01:14:39,520
I went to the 'whoops' section.
1920
01:14:39,960 --> 01:14:41,639
I found two Belgian buns
1921
01:14:41,800 --> 01:14:43,000
that had to be
eaten by midnight
1922
01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:44,400
and I fucking did it!"
1923
01:14:53,400 --> 01:14:54,760
I was going to say,
"And I'd do it again!"
1924
01:14:54,920 --> 01:14:57,480
But I have, several times over
since then.
1925
01:14:57,680 --> 01:14:59,559
I've got a friend
who's got really nice hands
1926
01:14:59,719 --> 01:15:01,360
and people often compliment her
on her hands
1927
01:15:01,520 --> 01:15:02,680
and they say things like
1928
01:15:02,840 --> 01:15:04,880
"Haven't you got
piano-player fingers?"
1929
01:15:05,040 --> 01:15:07,200
Which I think is such a weird
thing to say to somebody.
1930
01:15:07,360 --> 01:15:09,120
Nobody ever looks
at my hands and says
1931
01:15:09,280 --> 01:15:11,559
"Haven't you got
tuba-player fingers?"
1932
01:15:11,719 --> 01:15:13,240
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1933
01:15:13,600 --> 01:15:14,880
Do you play the sausages?
1934
01:15:15,559 --> 01:15:16,600
Sometimes.
1935
01:15:17,559 --> 01:15:19,480
The only instrument I've ever
been able to play
1936
01:15:19,639 --> 01:15:21,160
is the recorder.
1937
01:15:21,320 --> 01:15:22,480
Give me a "woo" if you learnt
the recorder as a kid?
1938
01:15:22,639 --> 01:15:23,880
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
1939
01:15:24,040 --> 01:15:25,280
I like the idea of the recorder
1940
01:15:25,440 --> 01:15:26,639
cos I think it's made
to be so simple
1941
01:15:26,800 --> 01:15:28,080
you can decide
if you want to pursue
1942
01:15:28,240 --> 01:15:29,400
other instruments
off the back of it or not.
1943
01:15:29,559 --> 01:15:31,080
Can anybody shout out
any of the songs
1944
01:15:31,240 --> 01:15:32,800
that they learnt
on their recorder?
1945
01:15:32,960 --> 01:15:34,360
[AUDIENCE SHOUTS]
- London's Burning?
1946
01:15:34,520 --> 01:15:35,960
Frère Jacques?What else?
1947
01:15:36,320 --> 01:15:37,520
Three Blind Mice.
1948
01:15:37,800 --> 01:15:39,120
Little? Little Donkey!
1949
01:15:39,280 --> 01:15:40,680
There was a lady the other day
shouted out
1950
01:15:40,840 --> 01:15:42,360
[IN A POSH VOICE]:
"Handel's Water Music".
1951
01:15:43,639 --> 01:15:45,240
Alright, fucking Cambridge!
1952
01:15:47,680 --> 01:15:49,800
I would like to say thank you
to you glorious people
1953
01:15:49,960 --> 01:15:51,559
for coming and spending
your evening with me
1954
01:15:51,719 --> 01:15:54,760
by playing some of those songs
that you just shouted out.
1955
01:15:54,920 --> 01:15:56,200
Now, slight problem.
1956
01:15:56,360 --> 01:15:58,000
And I am genuinely
embarrassed by this...
1957
01:15:58,160 --> 01:15:59,680
I'm putting it down to the fact
that I've just had a break
1958
01:15:59,840 --> 01:16:01,800
off tour, I'm not quite
back in the swing of things
1959
01:16:01,960 --> 01:16:03,960
but I forgot to
bring my recorder.
1960
01:16:04,440 --> 01:16:05,800
Don't worry. I'm a professional.
1961
01:16:05,960 --> 01:16:08,360
I'm going to see
if I can just busk it, without.
1962
01:16:08,880 --> 01:16:10,520
And so I heard Frère Jacques
at the back there
1963
01:16:10,680 --> 01:16:12,160
Let's start with that one, um...
1964
01:16:12,440 --> 01:16:13,880
[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]:
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho ♪
1965
01:16:14,040 --> 01:16:15,480
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho ♪
1966
01:16:15,639 --> 01:16:16,840
That's alright.
That'll do, won't it?
1967
01:16:17,000 --> 01:16:18,360
Will that do? Yeah.
1968
01:16:18,520 --> 01:16:19,760
We had a London's Burning
round the front as well.
1969
01:16:19,920 --> 01:16:21,280
Let's do that one, uh...
1970
01:16:21,800 --> 01:16:23,080
[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]:
♪ Ho-ho ha-ha ♪
1971
01:16:23,240 --> 01:16:24,400
♪ Ho-ho ha-ha ♪
1972
01:16:24,559 --> 01:16:26,160
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1973
01:16:28,840 --> 01:16:30,960
I think my favourite one will
always be Three Blind Mice
1974
01:16:31,120 --> 01:16:32,200
cos I think it's the easiest.
1975
01:16:32,360 --> 01:16:33,800
I don't know, let's find out.
1976
01:16:33,960 --> 01:16:35,280
[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]:
♪ Hee her hoo ♪
1977
01:16:35,559 --> 01:16:36,960
♪ Hee her hoo ♪
It's quite easy, isn't it?
1978
01:16:37,120 --> 01:16:38,559
♪ Hee her hoo! ♪
It's just a bit higher.
1979
01:16:38,719 --> 01:16:39,920
♪ Hee her hoo ♪
Same line again.
1980
01:16:40,080 --> 01:16:41,639
♪ Ho haa ha-ha-ho-ha haa ho-ho ♪
1981
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:43,880
Fucking hell, that got hard
very quickly.
1982
01:16:51,719 --> 01:16:53,400
The people right
at the back upstairs
1983
01:16:53,559 --> 01:16:55,160
are like, "There's no way
she hasn't got a recorder.
1984
01:16:55,320 --> 01:16:56,800
This sounds amazing".
1985
01:16:58,960 --> 01:17:00,120
I was in...
1986
01:17:00,280 --> 01:17:02,000
I was in Australia
a few years ago
1987
01:17:02,160 --> 01:17:04,800
on my way back from Melbourne
in quite a fancy airport lounge
1988
01:17:04,960 --> 01:17:08,280
and I went to the ladies' loos
which were spotless and silent.
1989
01:17:08,880 --> 01:17:10,520
Now, as an IBS sufferer...
1990
01:17:10,880 --> 01:17:12,680
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1991
01:17:13,280 --> 01:17:15,480
a silent toilet
is not my friend.
1992
01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:18,559
I'm seriously considering
employing a man and a trumpet
1993
01:17:18,719 --> 01:17:20,360
to just follow me round.
1994
01:17:22,000 --> 01:17:23,360
It was spotless and silent.
1995
01:17:23,520 --> 01:17:24,680
I took from that
at least there's nobody else in
1996
01:17:24,840 --> 01:17:26,160
and I did
what could only be described
1997
01:17:26,320 --> 01:17:28,400
as thunderous diarrhoea.
1998
01:17:28,960 --> 01:17:31,760
The sort of shit you need
a breather afterwards.
1999
01:17:32,559 --> 01:17:33,960
Which is exactly what I did.
2000
01:17:34,120 --> 01:17:36,280
I sat back,
some would say slumped
2001
01:17:36,440 --> 01:17:39,400
against the toilet
like it was a fucking armchair.
2002
01:17:40,520 --> 01:17:41,800
And that's when I heard
2003
01:17:41,960 --> 01:17:44,400
[IN AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]:
Is everything OK?
2004
01:17:50,360 --> 01:17:52,120
Luckily I stayed quiet
for long enough
2005
01:17:52,280 --> 01:17:53,680
to realise she was on her phone.
2006
01:17:53,840 --> 01:17:55,840
Can you imagine if I'd replied?
2007
01:17:57,280 --> 01:17:59,160
"Oh, I've just pebble dashed,
but I've got wet wipes
2008
01:17:59,320 --> 01:18:00,719
don't worry about me".
2009
01:18:03,280 --> 01:18:04,800
But it reminded me of a time
when I was in the car
2010
01:18:04,960 --> 01:18:06,639
with my sister.
She was driving.
2011
01:18:06,800 --> 01:18:07,960
I was in the passenger seat.
2012
01:18:08,120 --> 01:18:09,440
She asked me a question.
2013
01:18:09,600 --> 01:18:11,920
While I was thinking
of my response, I farted.
2014
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:13,719
Because I have no thigh gap
2015
01:18:13,880 --> 01:18:15,760
it really has to force
its way through.
2016
01:18:16,520 --> 01:18:19,040
It essentially sort of quacked
its way to freedom.
2017
01:18:28,639 --> 01:18:29,960
And my sister went,
"Exactly!"
2018
01:18:30,120 --> 01:18:32,400
And I don't know
what she thinks I answered.
2019
01:18:40,639 --> 01:18:42,520
I've got one more thing
to tell you, but before I do
2020
01:18:42,680 --> 01:18:45,760
I just want to thank you,
I fucking love doing my job
2021
01:18:45,920 --> 01:18:47,400
and it's been
an absolute pleasure
2022
01:18:47,559 --> 01:18:48,880
to do it for you guys tonight.
2023
01:18:49,040 --> 01:18:50,559
I'm so glad that you came
2024
01:18:50,760 --> 01:18:52,200
and were here
for this recording.
2025
01:18:52,360 --> 01:18:54,880
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Thank you so much.
2026
01:18:57,280 --> 01:18:58,360
Thank you.
2027
01:19:01,600 --> 01:19:04,600
I tried in the lockdown, I think
a lot of people were doing this
2028
01:19:04,760 --> 01:19:05,800
to eat a bit more healthily
2029
01:19:05,960 --> 01:19:07,280
I was trying occasionally
2030
01:19:07,440 --> 01:19:09,559
to make vegetables
a bit more interesting.
2031
01:19:09,719 --> 01:19:12,080
And what I did, I bought myself
a mandolin.
2032
01:19:12,240 --> 01:19:15,160
Now, to avoid the confusion,
I do mean the vegetable slicer
2033
01:19:15,320 --> 01:19:18,120
not the musical instrument.
I wasn't thinking
2034
01:19:18,280 --> 01:19:20,240
"You know what would jazz
these carrots up?
2035
01:19:21,559 --> 01:19:24,639
If somebody's playing a lovely
tune behind me in the kitchen".
2036
01:19:24,920 --> 01:19:26,440
The vegetable slicer,
you will have seen them.
2037
01:19:26,600 --> 01:19:28,080
I ordered it. It arrived.
2038
01:19:28,240 --> 01:19:30,520
I threw away the instructions.
How hard can it be?
2039
01:19:30,920 --> 01:19:32,800
I also genuinely threw away
something called
2040
01:19:32,960 --> 01:19:34,320
a finger protector.
2041
01:19:34,480 --> 01:19:36,080
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
2042
01:19:36,240 --> 01:19:38,240
Turns out
that bit was quite important
2043
01:19:38,400 --> 01:19:41,000
and I sliced the top
of my finger off.
2044
01:19:41,280 --> 01:19:42,920
I took it in a bag of ice
to the hospital.
2045
01:19:43,080 --> 01:19:44,400
That's what
they do in the films, isn't it?
2046
01:19:44,559 --> 01:19:45,840
I took it in a bag of ice
to the hospital.
2047
01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:48,160
It was perched
on a slice of courgette.
2048
01:19:49,280 --> 01:19:52,080
Like a small pink frog
on a lily pad.
2049
01:19:52,240 --> 01:19:53,680
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
2050
01:19:53,840 --> 01:19:55,800
I handed it
to the lovely nurse in A&E.
2051
01:19:55,960 --> 01:19:57,320
She took it off me,
she looked puzzled.
2052
01:19:57,480 --> 01:19:58,800
I thought, "She's working out
whether or not
2053
01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:00,719
we can reattach my finger end."
2054
01:20:00,880 --> 01:20:02,760
She studied it for way too long.
2055
01:20:02,920 --> 01:20:04,080
Then she turned back to me.
2056
01:20:04,240 --> 01:20:05,520
She still looked puzzled
2057
01:20:05,680 --> 01:20:06,760
and she went...
2058
01:20:07,280 --> 01:20:08,880
"What were you having
for your tea"?
2059
01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:10,559
That was her confusion!
2060
01:20:11,920 --> 01:20:13,280
And then she just dropped it
in the bin.
2061
01:20:13,440 --> 01:20:14,800
I said,
"Are we not reattaching it"?
2062
01:20:14,960 --> 01:20:16,960
She said,
"No, it'll grow back".
2063
01:20:17,120 --> 01:20:18,600
And I didn't believe her
but it has.
2064
01:20:18,760 --> 01:20:20,680
It's my middle finger.
It's not even a weird shape.
2065
01:20:20,920 --> 01:20:23,520
I mean, it grew back, how
fucking Wolverine is that, eh?
2066
01:20:24,440 --> 01:20:25,639
I mean,
I was trying to lose weight
2067
01:20:25,800 --> 01:20:28,040
just not fucking chunk by chunk.
2068
01:20:29,639 --> 01:20:31,840
And the only way I know
it's not 100% normal is that
2069
01:20:32,000 --> 01:20:33,400
it's a little bit too sensitive
2070
01:20:33,559 --> 01:20:35,280
and it's a little bit
too tingly.
2071
01:20:35,440 --> 01:20:37,800
For a while, I thought
my clitoris had moved.
2072
01:20:37,960 --> 01:20:38,920
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
2073
01:20:39,080 --> 01:20:40,040
Ah!
2074
01:20:40,200 --> 01:20:41,400
Ah!
2075
01:20:41,559 --> 01:20:44,040
Ahhhh!
2076
01:20:44,200 --> 01:20:45,559
You guys have been amazing.
2077
01:20:45,719 --> 01:20:47,280
Thank you so much for coming.
Lots of love.
2078
01:20:47,559 --> 01:20:50,480
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
2079
01:20:53,320 --> 01:20:55,120
Thank you very much.
Good night!
150252
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