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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:10,411
*
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,199
[ AUDIENCE CHEERING,
APPLAUDING ]
5
00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:00,261
THANK YOU, SEATTLE.
6
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:07,801
THANK YOU AND WELCOME,
AND THANK YOU FOR A DAY
WITHOUT RAIN.
7
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,837
I DON'T KNOW
HOW THAT HAPPENED.
8
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:13,241
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
I JUST GOT SOME GREAT NEWS
THAT I'M EXCITED ABOUT.
9
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:16,677
I JUST GOT
A DEVELOPMENT DEAL PICKED UP.
IT'S A NEW REALITY SHOW.
10
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:20,748
IT'S AN EXTREME MAKEOVER SHOW
FOR MIDDLE-AGE LESBIANS
CALLED...
11
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,783
THIS OLD BULL DYKE.
12
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:31,659
WE ALREADY HAVE A SPONSOR.
WOLVERINE STEEL-TOED BOOTS
HAS PICKED IT UP.
13
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,795
WE HAD ANOTHER TITLE,
BUT THE CENSORS NIXED IT.
14
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:39,300
IT WAS ORIGINALLY GONNA BE
CALLED PIMP MY MUFF.
15
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:43,904
I AM STAYIN' TONIGHT-- OR
THIS WEEK AT THE HOTEL 1000,
16
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:48,742
AND WOULD LIKE TO TALK
FOR JUST A SECOND
ABOUT THEIR TOILETS.
17
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,645
THEY'VE GOT
THE BEST TOILETS EVER, MAN.
THEY'RE AMA-
18
00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:54,248
YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS
IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
ONE OF THESE THINGS.
19
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:58,619
NUMBER ONE, THE SEAT IS HEATED.
NOW, THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE A LOT.
20
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:04,225
BUT IF YOU'RE USED TO
A COLD TOILET SEAT, AND THEN
YOU SIT ON A WARM TOILET SEAT,
21
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:07,461
IT'S NICE.
22
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:10,598
IT, LIKE, RELAXES
YOUR BOWEL MUSCLES,
AND KIND OF...
23
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,666
JUST HELPS YOU CRAP,
YOU KNOW.
24
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,535
IT'S REALLY NICE.
25
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,904
AND THEN ON THE WALL,
THERE'S SOME BUTTONS,
26
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:20,674
AND ONE OF THEM SAYS "REAR
CLEANSING," AND ONE OF THEM
SAYS "FRONT CLEANSING."
27
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:23,344
AND THERE'S A DIAGRAM OF A GUY
SITTIN' ON A TOILET...
28
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:27,648
WITH A STREAM OF WATER
SHOOTIN' UP HIS ASS.
29
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,884
SO I PUSHED A BUTTON,
30
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:34,288
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
I'M THAT GUY.
31
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:40,261
I AM.
32
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:45,366
I AM SITTIN' ON THE TOILET
WITH A STREAM OF WATER
SHOOTIN' UP MY ASS,
33
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,401
AND IT'S AMAZING...
34
00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:52,540
HOW ACCURATE THIS THING IS.
35
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:56,744
I DON'T KNOW IF
EVERYBODY'S BUTTHOLE IS IN
THE EXACT SAME PLACE,
36
00:02:56,777 --> 00:03:00,648
BUT THIS THING HAS GOT ME
DEAD CENTER.
37
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:06,654
THEN THERE'S ANOTHER BUTTON
BELOW THAT BUTTON,
AND IT SAYS "OSCILLATE."
38
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,823
AND I SAID, "WHY NOT?"
39
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:20,301
NOW I HAVE A ROTATING STREAM
OF WATER SHOOTIN' UP MY ASS,
40
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:22,970
AND IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT
THAT I REALIZED...
41
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:27,975
THAT 50,000,000 GAY MEN
CAN'T BE WRONG.
42
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,883
I'M SINGING SONGS
TO THIS TOILET.
I'M IN LOVE.
43
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:39,553
* I HONESTLY LOVE YOU
44
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:44,825
MY WIFE CAUGHT ME SPREADIN'
CAKE ON MY ASS JUST SO
I COULD GO WASH IT OFF.
45
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,664
"IS THAT CAKE?"
46
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,700
"NO.
47
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:56,970
"I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.
48
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,006
DON'T WAIT UP."
49
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:04,044
I'M GONNA TRY
TO TELL YOU THIS STORY.
50
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,314
THIS HAPPENED ON TUESDAY.
51
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:10,050
I'M GOIN' HOME FROM THE PETSMART
IN THE CAR WITH TWO DOGS
AND A WIFE.
52
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:15,489
MY WIFE SAYS I GOTTA STOP
AT THE BANK, AND I SAY "SHIT,"
OR WHATEVER I SAID.
53
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,958
UH, BECAUSE
I DON'T GO IN THE BANK.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
54
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:22,430
I STAY IN THE CAR
WITH THE DOGS. SHE SAYS,
"I'LL BE FIVE MINUTES."
55
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:27,335
BUT THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NO SUCH THING AS FIVE MINUTES
WITH THIS WOMAN.
56
00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,373
AND SHE GOES IN,
AND I KNOW THE DOGS
NEED TO PEE.
57
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:35,709
AT OUR BANK,
THERE'S ONE PIECE
OF MANICURED LAWN...
58
00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:38,812
THAT HAS TWO SIGNS
THAT BOTH SAY...
59
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,515
"NO DOGS."
60
00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:44,051
SO I TOOK MY DOGS
OVER THERE.
61
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,657
THIS GUY COMES WADDLIN' OUT
OF THE BANK WITH A BIG SCOWL
ON HIS FACE,
62
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:54,362
AND HE GOES,
"THE SIGN SAYS 'NO DOGS.'"
63
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,865
I SAID, "THE SIGN'S WRONG.
64
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:05,439
THAT SIGN SHOULD SAY
'TWO DOGS.'"
65
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:14,615
I SAW A COMMERCIAL THE
OTHER DAY, AND I REALLY DON'T
UNDERSTAND THE ORGANIZATION,
66
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,785
AND I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHO THEY THINK THEY'RE
EVER GONNA HELP.
67
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,853
IT WAS FOR
A COMPANY CALLED...
68
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:24,124
WWW.DON'TSHAKEABABY.COM.
69
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,428
NOW, I'M NOT GONNA
GET UP HERE AND TAKE
A BIG PRO-BABY-SHAKING STANCE,
70
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,830
SO YOU CAN GO AHEAD
AND RELAX, SEATTLE.
71
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,401
BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHO THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HELP,
72
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:37,705
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE
SUCH AN INBRED,
METH-HEAD SHIT-HOOK...
73
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:41,575
THAT YOU WOULD CONSIDER
SHAKIN' A BABY,
74
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:46,647
THE ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA
HELP YOU IS A BEHEADING.
75
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,016
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
76
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,122
NOW, I KNOW THERE'S PEOPLE
IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT GOING,
77
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:58,426
"BUT RON, RON, RON-- BUT RON!
78
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:02,129
WHAT IF THE BABY'S
ASKIN' FOR IT?"
79
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,432
DON'T SHAKE A BABY!
80
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:10,070
"WHAT IF I CAN'T
FIND MY CAR KEYS
AND I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE?"
81
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,144
YEAH, EVEN THEN.
82
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:23,851
I WENT ONTO
WWW.DON'TSHAKEABABY.COM,
83
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,119
AND THEY HAVE LINKS
TO SIMILAR WEB SITES.
84
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:31,058
THEY HAVE A LINK TO
WWW.DON'T-STICK-YOUR-DICK-
IN-A-TOASTER.COM,
85
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,126
AND... THEY HAVE A LINK...
86
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:38,466
TO WWW.DON'T-SHOVE-A-FERRET-
IN-YOUR-ASS.COM.
87
00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:41,802
AND THERE'S A LOT OF REASONS
WHY YOU DON'T WANT A FERRET
IN YOUR ASS,
88
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:45,072
BECAUSE THEY'RE
NOT LIKE GERBILS.
89
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:50,978
THEY'VE GOT FANGS
AND CLAWS AND--
90
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:55,816
A LOT OF SHIT YOU DON'T NEED
IN YOUR ASS, MAN.
91
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,919
I GOT A FERRET
IN MY ASS RIGHT NOW.
92
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:02,923
I WAS AT THE HOTEL ON THE TOILET
A WHILE AGO, AND HE POPPED
HIS HEAD OUT OF MY BUTT,
93
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:06,760
STARTED WASHIN' HIS FACE
IN THAT LITTLE OSCILLATIN'
STREAM OF WATER.
94
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,869
"IS THAT CAKE?"
95
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,909
"NO!
96
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,045
IT'S CERTAINLY NOT CAKE."
97
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:29,550
I GOT IN A LITTLE TROUBLE.
DID YOU GUYS HEAR
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?
98
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:36,990
I'LL TELL YA WHAT HAPPENED.
I HAD TWO SOLD-OUT SHOWS
IN FORT PIERCE, FLORIDA.
99
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,026
WE WERE GONNA LAND
IN VERO BEACH, FLORIDA.
100
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:43,931
I HAVE AN AIRPLANE THAT
YOU GUYS, UH, BOUGHT ME.
101
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:48,902
THANK YOU.
102
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:55,008
IT IS REALLY COOL.
WE LAND IN VERO BEACH,
103
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:59,680
AND WHEN WE LAND I LOOK OUT
THE WINDOW AND THERE'S
THREE COPS STANDIN' THERE.
104
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:03,551
WHICH IS NO BIG DEAL TO ME,
BECAUSE COPS LOVE ME
AND SO DO FIREMEN.
105
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:07,621
A LOT OF TIMES
I'LL GET A POLICE ESCORT
FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE VENUE,
106
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:11,859
AND THIS, UH,
WASN'T ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
107
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,899
I GOT OUT OF THE PLANE
AND THERE WAS A COP THERE,
AND HE SAID,
108
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:22,736
"MR. WHITE, WE'VE BEEN TOLD
THAT THERE ARE DRUGS ON THIS
PLANE BY AN ANONYMOUS TIP."
109
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:26,907
I SAID, "THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO
DRUGS ON THAT PLANE." I DID HAVE
A LITTLE BIT OF WEED IN MY BAG,
110
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:32,145
BUT I WASN'T ON THE PLANE,
SO TECHNICALLY I'M NOT LYIN'
TO THIS GUY, BUT--
111
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,916
AND HE GOES, "WELL, DO YOU MIND
IF WE SEARCH THE AIRCRAFT?"
112
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:39,286
I SAID, "YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT
SEARCH THIS AIRCRAFT UNLESS
YOU HAVE PROBABLE CAUSE,
113
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:42,289
BECAUSE I STILL HAVE
CIVIL LIBERTIES,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"
114
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:45,325
I DO.
115
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,929
THEY SAID, "OKAY, WELL,
WE JUST WANT THE DRUG DOG
TO WALK BY IT A COUPLE TIMES.
116
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:52,232
I SAID, "FINE,"
AND THE DRUG DOG
WALKS BY A COUPLE TIMES.
117
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:56,670
GUY GOES, "WELL, THE DOG
GAVE US THE SIGNAL THAT
THERE ARE DRUGS ON THE PLANE."
118
00:08:56,704 --> 00:09:01,775
I'M LIKE, "NO, HE DIDN'T.
THAT DOG DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
I WAS STARIN' STRAIGHT AT HIM.
119
00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:05,679
"HE DIDN'T WINK, BLINK,
WOOF OR PAW.
120
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,616
"WHAT'S HIS SIGNAL,
A BLANK STARE?
121
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,655
THAT'S ALL HE DID."
122
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,757
HE GOES, "THE DOG SAYS
THERE'S DRUGS ON THE PLANE."
123
00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:21,862
"I SAID THERE WASN'T DRUGS
ON THE PLANE. WHO ARE YOU GONNA
BELIEVE? ME OR THE--
124
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,664
FUCK, NEVER MIND, YOU KNOW?"
125
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:32,305
NOW, I'VE GOT A SHOW TO GO TO.
THEY SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF
GOIN' THROUGH THIS PLANE.
126
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:36,276
AN HOUR AND A HALF,
AND I'M JUST SITTIN'
THERE GOIN', "OH, COME ON."
127
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,212
AND THEY GET FINISHED.
OF COURSE, THERE IS
NO DRUGS ON THE PLANE.
128
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:44,017
I KNEW THERE WASN'T. I ASSUME
NOW THEY'RE GONNA LET ME GO,
AND I'LL GO DO MY SHOW.
129
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,687
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, THAT'S FINE.
YOU KNOW, WHATEVER."
130
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:50,791
THEN THEY GO, "WELL,
NOW THE DOG NEEDS TO SNIFF
THAT BAG ON YOUR SHOULDER."
131
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,093
I WAS LIKE--
132
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:05,839
THEY FOUND SEVEN-EIGHTHS
OF A GRAM OF MARIJUANA...
133
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,908
IN MY BAG.
134
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,811
NOW, WHEN I HAVE SEVEN-EIGHTHS
OF A GRAM OF MARIJUANA,
135
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:14,848
I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE...
OUT OF MARIJUANA.
136
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,918
THAT IS NO WEED.
137
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:24,892
AND IT'S MEDICAL MARIJUANA. IT
WAS PRESCRIBED TO ME BY A DOCTOR
IN CALIFORNIA WHERE I LIVE.
138
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,960
I TOLD THE COP THAT.
139
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:30,664
HE SAID, "WHAT DID YOU
TELL THE DOCTOR TO GET
A PRESCRIPTION FOR MARIJUANA?"
140
00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:34,434
I SAID, "THE DOCTOR SAID,
'DO YOU HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS THAT
MARIJUANA HELPS ALLEVIATE?'
141
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:38,638
I SAID, 'WELL, I GET BUMMED
WHEN I RUN OUT OF WEED.'"
142
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,343
MARIJUANA CURES THAT.
143
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,415
THEY HANDCUFFED ME...
144
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:52,319
AND PUT ME IN THE BACK OF
A COP CAR AND TOOK ME TO JAIL.
145
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:56,356
NOW, I'M NOT WHININ' ABOUT THAT.
I BROKE THE LAW. THAT'S FINE.
BUT FUCK, THIS IS FLORIDA.
146
00:10:56,389 --> 00:11:00,994
THESE COPS DROVE BY THREE
METH LABS AND A DEAD HOOKER
JUST TO GET THERE.
147
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:08,235
THEY PROCESSED ME THROUGH COUNTY
JAIL. FOR WHATEVER REASON,
I HAD A BUNCH OF CASH ON ME.
148
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:12,039
I'D BEEN ON THE ROAD
FOR A WHILE. NOW THEY GOTTA
COUNT IT IN FRONT OF ME.
149
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:15,342
THIS GUY COMES OVER AND GOES--
"I'M GONNA
HAVE TO COUNT THAT MONEY.
150
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:19,046
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WATCH."
I'M LIKE, "FUCK. NOT YOU."
151
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,750
THIS MONEY'S IN
BANDED $5,000 STACKS.
152
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:26,887
HE PICKS ONE OF 'EM UP
AND HE GOES, "ONE MISSISSIPPI"--
153
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:30,223
HE DIDN'T REALLY SAY
"MISSISSIPPI," BUT HE
FUCKING COULD HAVE.
154
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:33,493
"TWO MISSISSIPPI."
I GO, "YOU CAN'T DO IT
THAT WAY. IT'LL TAKE FOREVER.
155
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,329
"JUST TAKE THE BAND OFF
AND START COUNTING
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.
156
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,399
WHEN YOU GET TO 50,
THAT'S 5,000. THEN JUST
START THE NEXT STACK."
157
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,769
HE GOES,
"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA."
158
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,006
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
159
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,876
SO HE COUNTS THE SECOND STACK,
AND HE GOES,
"HEY, BUDDY, WAIT A MINUTE.
160
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:52,312
THERE'S ONLY 42 IN THIS ONE."
I SAID, "OH, THAT'S OKAY.
161
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:56,449
"JUST GET EIGHT MORE OUT OF
THIS ONE, PUT IT IN THIS ONE.
NOW YOU HAVE TWO STACKS OF 50.
162
00:11:56,483 --> 00:12:00,420
THAT'S $10,000."
I'M TEACHIN' THIS MOTHERFUCKER
HOW TO COUNT!
163
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:07,427
I WAS IN JAIL FOR AN HOUR
AND A HALF. I DON'T KNOW
HOW WORD GETS OUT SO FAST,
164
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,798
BUT WHEN I WALK OUT OF THE JAIL
THERE'S A BIG TRUCKLOAD OF KIDS,
165
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:13,466
AND THEY HAVE THESE SIGNS
THAT SAY "FREE TATER."
166
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,343
I'VE HAD THE WEIRDEST THINGS
HAPPEN LATELY.
167
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:26,513
I HAD TO FLY
FROM LAX TO ATLANTA...
168
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:31,484
TO SEE SOME LAWYERS
AND A DENTIST, THE COMBINATION
PLATTER OF WONDERFUL DAYS.
169
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:34,988
MY PLANE WAS BROKEN,
AND WHEN MY PLANE'S BROKEN,
MY FRIENDS DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.
170
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:38,025
THEY'RE LIKE,
"OH, POOR BABY.
171
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:40,828
"IS YOUR PLANE BROKEN?
172
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:45,232
YOU HAVE TO TAKE
A COMMERCIAL FLIGHT
LIKE EVERY-FUCKIN'-BODY ELSE."
173
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:50,370
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT USED TO BE.
EITHER THAT OR I'M LOSIN' TOUCH,
YOU KNOW,
174
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,540
BECAUSE I'M STANDIN' IN LINE,
I GOT A FIRST-CLASS TICKET,
175
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:56,877
AND I GET UP TO THE FRONT
OF THE LINE, AND THERE ISN'T
ANYBODY THERE.
176
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,446
IT'S JUST A KIOSK
WITH A COMPUTER TERMINAL.
177
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:02,049
I'M NOT GOOD AT COMPUTERS,
AND I DON'T WANNA TOUCH
THIS THING...
178
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,117
BECAUSE IT'S GOT
GREASE AND DIRT...
179
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:08,188
AND WHAT I CAN ONLY
PRAY TO JESUS IS MERENGUE.
180
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:18,298
BUT IT WORKS PRETTY GOOD,
YOU KNOW.
181
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:22,569
I SWIPED MY CARD THROUGH THERE
AND UP POPS A DIAGRAM
OF THE AIRCRAFT.
182
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,905
AND IT SHOWS ALL THE SEATS
ON THE PLANE,
183
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:28,608
AND IT SHOWS WHICH ONES
ARE OCCUPIED SO YOU CAN
CHOOSE YOUR OWN SEAT.
184
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:32,145
THAT IS ALMOST A GREAT IDEA.
185
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:38,618
WHAT WOULD MAKE THAT
A GREAT IDEA IS IF
THERE WAS A PHOTOGRAPH...
186
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,989
OF THE PERSON
SITTIN' IN THAT CHAIR.
187
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:50,230
AND ABOUT A FIVE-MINUTE
BIO CLIP TELLIN' YOU
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT 'EM,
188
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:54,234
AND WHAT THEIR BREATH
SMELLS LIKE.
189
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,904
RIGHT? 'CAUSE I PICK MY SEAT,
AND I'M IN FIRST CLASS,
190
00:13:56,937 --> 00:14:00,040
SO AS SOON AS I WALK INTO
THE CABIN I CAN SEE MY CHAIR,
191
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:03,310
AND SITTIN' RIGHT NEXT TO ME
IS A BIG, FAT FUCK.
192
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:07,981
NOW-- NOW, I KNOW I'M HEAVY,
BUT I'M NOT A BIG, FAT FUCK.
193
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:11,184
THIS GUY WAS A BIG, FAT FUCK,
194
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:14,254
AND PART OF HIM
IS IN MY CHAIR.
195
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:21,929
AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
PART OF HIM I CAN SIT ON.
196
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,636
HEY, I'VE GOT A LITTLE TIP
FOR THE MORBIDLY OBESE,
197
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:32,505
AND I DON'T MEAN
TO SOUND CRUEL,
198
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:37,177
BUT ONCE YOU GET
TO 550 POUNDS,
199
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,379
STAY HOME AND GO
FOR THE RECORD.
200
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,952
I'LL SPONSOR YOU.
201
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,956
WRITE "TATERSALAD.COM"
ON YOUR GUT,
202
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:51,191
AND... I'LL SEND PEACHES
OVER THERE.
203
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,160
PEACHES?
204
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:56,596
WHY WOULDN'T I SEND PIZZAS?
205
00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,267
I'LL SEND PEACHES
AND A SALAD.
206
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:05,072
"BUT WHERE WOULD BE
THE COMEDY, MR. WHITE?"
207
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:08,641
OH, SO YOU'RE ALL HUNG UP
ABOUT THAT, HUH?
208
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:21,454
OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA TRY TO
DO THAT LINE RIGHT JUST IN CASE
WE DECIDE TO DO IT THAT WAY.
209
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,224
I'LL SEND PIZZAS OVER THERE!
210
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:35,035
"OH, THAT IS FUNNY!
HE SAID PIZZAS.
211
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:39,172
OH, MR. WHITE.
BOY, HE'S RICH TONIGHT."
212
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:46,313
I GET TO ATLANTA,
AND I CHECK INTO
THE RITZ-CARLTON HOTEL.
213
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:50,583
THE NEXT MORNING
I GO TO TAKE A SHOWER,
AND THERE'S NO HOT WATER.
214
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:55,055
I CALL THE FRONT DESK AND I TELL
THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK,
I SAID, "THERE'S NO HOT WATER."
215
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:59,726
THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK
SAID, "SOMETIMES THERE'S
NO HOT WATER."
216
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,034
"DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU THAT?"
217
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,337
I SAID, "I'VE STAYED IN
$20-A-NIGHT MOTELS.
218
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,640
THE WATER WAS SO HOT YOU COULD
COOK YOUR NUTS WITH IT."
219
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:19,412
SHE SAID, "WELL, EVERY ONCE
IN A WHILE, EVERYBODY'LL WAKE UP
AT THE SAME TIME,
220
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,648
"AND THEY ALL TAKE A SHOWER
AT THE SAME TIME,
221
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:24,684
AND WE JUST RUN
SMACK OUTTA HOT WATER."
222
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,255
"YOU GUYS DIDN'T
THINK ABOUT THAT?
223
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,659
"THEY THOUGHT ABOUT IT
AT THE MOTEL 6.
224
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:38,198
"BUT THAT WHOLE CONCEPT OF
PEOPLE WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
WITH SHIT TO DO...
225
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:41,401
GOT RIGHT BY
THE RITZ-CARLTON HOTEL."
226
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:53,313
SO I TAKE A NICE, COLD SHOWER.
THEN I GOTTA GO MEET
WITH THESE LAWYERS.
227
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,583
NOW-- AND I HATE LAWYERS.
I JUST CAN'T STAND 'EM,
228
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:59,152
AND I HATE 'EM WORSE THAN
YOU DO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH--
229
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:02,655
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A VIDEO
OF THAT GUY SHOOTIN' HIS LAWYER?
230
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:06,093
AND HIS LAWYER'S TRYIN' TO HIDE
BEHIND THAT LITTLE TREE,
AND HE JUST KEEPS SHOOT--
231
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:10,697
THAT'S THE FUNNIEST FUCKIN'
THING I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY GODDAMN LIFE.
232
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,167
I'VE GOT THAT ON MY VIDEO IPOD,
AND IF I JUST NEED A CHUCKLE...
233
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:17,304
SOMETIME DURING THE DAY,
I JUST HIT THE PLAY BUTTON.
234
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:20,207
PLAY. "POW, POW, POW, POW!"
235
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,577
PLAY. "POW, POW, POW!"
236
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:28,581
PLAY. "POW"--
I DO THAT TILL I COME.
237
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:41,761
THEN I GOTTA GO TO THE DENTIST.
YOU SEE HOW MY DAY'S SHAPIN' UP:
COLD SHOWER, LAWYERS, DENTIST.
238
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:44,431
THE TRIFECTA
OF FUCKED-UP DAYS.
239
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:48,335
AND I COULDN'T EAT BECAUSE
OF WHAT I HAD TO DO THERE.
240
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:50,770
SO NOW IT'S 2:30
IN THE AFTERNOON, AND I--
241
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:54,441
BEFORE I FINISH THIS STORY,
I WILL ADMIT THAT
I'M IN A FOUL MOOD.
242
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:58,511
MY MOUTH IS STARTIN' TO HURT
AND I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY,
243
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,813
AND I'M GONNA GO EAT LUNCH
AT THIS PLACE CALLED
THE CLUBHOUSE.
244
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,882
IT'S AT THE LENOX SQUARE MALL
IN BUCKHEAD.
245
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,585
I USED TO EAT
THERE ALL THE TIME.
I LIVE IN BOTH CITIES.
246
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,688
AND I PULLED UP.
NOW, ALL THIS OUT HERE
USED TO BE JUST REGULAR PARKING.
247
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:13,393
BUT NOW THE WHOLE THING IS
VALET PARKING, SO YOU CAN'T JUST
PARK YOUR CAR AND GET SOME FOOD.
248
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:18,165
YOU HAVE TO WAIT
FOR THIS LITTLE PRICK IN
A LITTLE RED TRUCK TO WAKE UP.
249
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,867
BUT HE ISN'T GONNA WAKE UP,
'CAUSE HE'S GOT ON HEADPHONES
AND MIRRORED SUNGLASSES.
250
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,170
HE'S LOOKIN'
THE OTHER DIRECTION,
251
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:25,638
WATCHIN' THESE TWO GIRLS
WALK DOWN PEACHTREE BOULEVARD.
252
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,707
I COULD TELL
BY THE WHOLE SCENARIO...
253
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:31,311
THAT THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE
OUT OF HIS LINE OF SIGHT
FOR 20 MINUTES.
254
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:35,382
THERE'S NOTHING GONNA GET
IN THE WAY. SO I'M LIKE,
"FUCK. DO YOUR JOB."
255
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:39,752
I DECIDE I'LL JUST PARK THE CAR
MYSELF. THE ONLY SPACE I SAW
WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TRUCK.
256
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:43,756
I'M GONNA PARK THE CAR MYSELF.
ONCE HE SEES I'M GONNA
PARK THE CAR MYSELF,
257
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,693
HE JUMPS OUT OF HIS TRUCK,
AND HE GETS MILITANT.
258
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:50,897
HE JUMPS IN FRONT
OF MY RANGE ROVER, AND HE
PUTS HIS HANDS ON THE HOOD,
259
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,367
AND HE GOES,
"NOBODY PARKS THEIR OWN CAR
IN THIS PARKING LOT!
260
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,903
I PARK THE CARS
IN THIS PARKING LOT!"
261
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:03,843
WELL, I ROLLED DOWN MY WINDOW,
AND VERY POLITELY SAID,
262
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,679
"GET OUT OF MY FUCKIN' WAY!"
263
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:15,488
HE GOES, "NOBODY TALKS TO ME
LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T PARK
YOUR CAR IN THIS PARKING LOT."
264
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:18,558
I SAID, "FUCK YOU."
265
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,261
HE GOES, "I'M CALLIN'
THE POLICE. WHAT'S YOUR
FIRST AND LAST NAME?
266
00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:25,565
I SAID, "IT'S FUCK YOU.
IT'S F-U-C-K...
267
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:28,568
"CAPITAL Y-O-U.
268
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,739
FUCK YOU.
THAT'S MY NAME."
269
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:37,410
HE GETS ON HIS RADIO...
270
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:45,485
AND CALLS THE DALAI LAMA
OF ALL PARKING LOT ATTENDANTS...
271
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:49,522
WHO COMES SQUEALIN' UP
IN HIS LITTLE RED TRUCK.
272
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:52,592
APPARENTLY,
THEY GIVE 'EM TO 'EM.
273
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,262
HE HOPS OUT OF THE TRUCK
LIKE HE'S GONNA DO SOMETHIN'.
274
00:19:55,262 --> 00:20:00,400
HE IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES ME,
AND YOU SEE THIS BIG "OH, SHIT"
WASH OVER HIS FACE.
275
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:03,703
HE LITERALLY SHOVES
THIS KID OUT OF THE WAY,
AND STARTS APOLOGIZIN'.
276
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:07,374
HE SAID, "MR. WHITE, I AM SORRY.
I SAID, "LISTEN, THIS KID'S
NOT DOIN' HIS JOB.
277
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,710
HE'S AN INSOLENT LITTLE
PIECE OF SHIT, AND HE NEEDS
TO HAVE HIS ASS REAMED."
278
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:15,515
HE GOES, "MR. WHITE, HE'S GONNA
HAVE HIS ASS REAMED BY ME
AND MY BOSS AND MY BOSS'S BOSS."
279
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,585
I WAS LIKE,
"WELL, I HAD NO IDEA
THE CHAIN OF COMMAND
280
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,288
WENT THAT DEEP IN
THE PARKING LOT BUSINESS."
281
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,528
HE SAID, "MR. WHITE,
LET US TAKE YOUR RANGE ROVER.
282
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:31,764
"WE'LL WASH IT FOR YOU,
WE'LL FILL IT UP WITH GAS,
WE'LL PARK IT, NO CHARGE."
283
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:35,402
I SAID, "DON'T PARK IT HERE.
I DON'T WANT THIS
LITTLE PRICK TO KEY IT."
284
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,472
HE SAID, "WE'LL PARK IT
ON THE OTHER SIDE."
I SAID, "FINE."
285
00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:43,476
SO I GO HAVE A NICE LUNCH
AND TAKE MORE PAIN PILLS.
286
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,816
GET IN A LITTLE BETTER MOOD.
287
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:53,420
I JUST HAD MY GUMS SCRAPED,
YOU KNOW.
288
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:56,489
SO I WALK OUTSIDE,
AND MY RANGE ROVER
IS SHINING LIKE A NEW PENNY.
289
00:20:56,523 --> 00:21:01,494
I HOP IN AND I FIRE IT UP,
AND IT'S FULL OF GAS, AND...
290
00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:03,863
I COULD'VE LEFT.
291
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:13,706
BUT INSTEAD I DROVE BACK
OVER THERE WHERE THAT KID WAS.
292
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,376
I ROLLED DOWN MY WINDOW,
AND HE ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW,
293
00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:19,479
AND I WENT,
"HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YA?
PRETTY GOOD?"
294
00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:33,025
AND HERE'S THE MORAL OF
THAT STORY: DON'T FUCK WITH ME
WHEN I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKIN'.
295
00:21:39,399 --> 00:21:43,603
PULITZER-PRIZE WINNING AUTHOR
NORMAN MAILER DIED LAST YEAR
AT THE AGE OF 84 YEARS OLD.
296
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:48,541
FOR THE LAST 60 YEARS
OF THIS MAN'S LIFE
HE DRANK TO EXCESS EVERY DAY.
297
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:51,077
HE WAS MARRIED SIX TIMES,
HE SMOKED POT,
298
00:21:51,110 --> 00:21:54,881
HE STABBED HIS SECOND WIFE,
AND I'VE NEVER READ
ONE OF HIS BOOKS.
299
00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:57,917
BUT I GOTTA TELL YA.
I'M A HUGE FAN.
300
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:06,526
WE'VE HAD A BLAST SINCE WE'VE
BEEN HERE, MAN. I TELL YA.
301
00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:08,761
WE WENT OUT LAST NIGHT.
I GOT SO DRUNK.
302
00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:13,766
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING,
AND SOMEBODY HAD SHIT MY PANTS.
303
00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:27,980
I DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS,
304
00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:33,420
BUT I KNOW HE EATS CORN.
305
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,793
AND CAKE.
306
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:47,133
CORN CAKES I THINK
IS WHAT HE WAS EATING.
307
00:22:48,901 --> 00:22:54,707
I JUST GOT BACK FROM EUROPE.
I TOOK MY SON TATER TOT...
308
00:22:54,741 --> 00:22:56,709
TO EUROPE.
309
00:22:56,743 --> 00:23:00,513
WE WERE IN SPAIN DURING
THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS,
BUT WE DIDN'T GO TO THE EVENT,
310
00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:02,982
BECAUSE WE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT
WHY YOU WOULD.
311
00:23:04,817 --> 00:23:08,621
THE PEOPLE THAT WE KNOW
THAT LIVE THERE WERE
PITCHIN' THIS REALLY HARD.
312
00:23:08,655 --> 00:23:12,091
THEY SAID THAT
THIS EVENT'S BEEN GOING ON
FOR OVER 500 YEARS.
313
00:23:12,124 --> 00:23:15,161
AND I'M LIKE,
"WHAT"
THEY EXPLAINED IT TO US.
314
00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:19,799
APPARENTLY, 540 YEARS AGO
A BUNCH OF GAY SAILORS IN
WHITE SUITS WITH RED SCARVES...
315
00:23:19,832 --> 00:23:22,101
GOT ALL FUCKED UP AND TURNED
LOOSE THE CATTLE AND TRIED--
316
00:23:22,134 --> 00:23:24,070
I'M PARAPHRASING.
317
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,877
THEY GOT ALL FUCKED UP,
TRIED TO GET OUT OF THE WAY
AND COULDN'T.
318
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:33,012
IT ENDED UP THE TOWN
WAS SUCH A BORE-HOLE...
319
00:23:33,045 --> 00:23:37,016
THAT COMPARED TO EVERYTHING ELSE
THAT WAS GOIN' ON THERE
THIS SEEMED LIKE FUN,
320
00:23:37,049 --> 00:23:40,553
AND THEY KEPT DOIN' IT
FOR 540 YEARS.
321
00:23:40,587 --> 00:23:42,922
I'M LIKE,
"I STILL DON'T WANT TO GO."
322
00:23:45,825 --> 00:23:49,028
THIS YEAR TWO PEOPLE DIED,
AND THEY SAID IT WAS
A HUGE TRAGEDY.
323
00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:52,899
BUT I THINK BEFORE YOU CALL
SOMETHING A "HUGE TRAGEDY,"
324
00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:58,905
I THINK YOU NEED TO FIRST
DETERMINE EXACTLY WHICH
TWO PEOPLE DIED.
325
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:02,074
MAYBE IT WAS TWO PEOPLE
WE DIDN'T NEED.
326
00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:06,913
THEY WEREN'T VERY BRIGHT.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR SURE.
327
00:24:11,784 --> 00:24:13,853
THIS YEAR A BUNCH OF SPANIARDS
STOOD UP AND SAID...
328
00:24:13,886 --> 00:24:16,823
THE EVENT SHOULD BE
CANCELED FOREVER
BECAUSE IT'S SO DANGEROUS.
329
00:24:16,856 --> 00:24:20,860
I'M LIKE,
"IT TOOK YOU 540 FUCKIN' YEARS."
330
00:24:22,695 --> 00:24:25,865
FUCK THAT, MAN.
HAVE TWO A WEEK.
331
00:24:25,898 --> 00:24:28,535
CHANGE THE NAME FROM
"THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS"...
332
00:24:28,568 --> 00:24:30,803
TO "THE THINNING OF THE HERD."
333
00:24:36,909 --> 00:24:38,978
WE'LL HAVE THE FINAL EVENT
AT TALLADEGA.
334
00:24:39,011 --> 00:24:41,781
CALL IT
"THE DODGING OF THE NASCARS."
335
00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:45,184
"YOU READY? GO."
[ IMITATES CAR REVVING,
THUDDING ]
336
00:24:45,217 --> 00:24:47,987
THEY'RE QUICK, AREN'T THEY?
337
00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:51,558
"YOU MIGHT WANT TO TURN
YOUR WIPERS ON, DALE."
338
00:24:59,899 --> 00:25:03,936
WE WERE IN LONDON FOR TWO DAYS.
I WAS AFRAID I HADN'T ALLOTTED
ENOUGH TIME TO SEE LONDON,
339
00:25:03,970 --> 00:25:07,774
BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF
MY FAVORITE CITIES, WITH SO MUCH
TRADITION AND HISTORY.
340
00:25:07,807 --> 00:25:11,578
WE WERE GONNA GET A CABBIE
TO TAKE US AROUND
AND SHOW US THE SIGHTS,
341
00:25:11,611 --> 00:25:15,281
AND I THOUGHT I PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE ALLOTTED MORE TIME.
342
00:25:15,314 --> 00:25:19,318
BUT IF YOU GET
A CAB DRIVER IN LONDON
THAT'S A SCOTTISH NATIONALIST,
343
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:23,956
WHICH IS SOMEBODY WHO BELIEVES
SCOTLAND AND ENGLAND SHOULD
HAVE NO TIES WHATSOEVER--
344
00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:28,027
THEY GO HOME EVERY NIGHT,
WATCH BRAVEHEART
AND BEAT OFF.
345
00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:30,963
"MEL GIBSON'S HITTIN'
ANOTHER GUY!"
346
00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:37,670
IF YOU GET
A SCOTTISH NATIONALIST
FOR A CAB DRIVER IN LONDON,
347
00:25:37,704 --> 00:25:40,873
YOU CAN SEE THAT CITY
IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
348
00:25:40,907 --> 00:25:43,610
"I WOULDN'T GO TO BUCKINGHAM
PALACE IF THEY PAID ME.
349
00:25:43,610 --> 00:25:46,813
A CHANGING OF THE GUARDS
IS FOR PUSSIES, IS WHAT IT IS."
350
00:25:51,884 --> 00:25:56,656
"WHAT? ARE WE GONNA
SEE BIG BEN?"
351
00:25:56,689 --> 00:25:59,025
"I TOLD YOU TO LOOK THE LEFT.
YOU LOOKED TO THE RIGHT.
352
00:25:59,058 --> 00:26:01,628
I'M GETTIN' PAID BY THE MILE,
NOT THE MINUTE."
353
00:26:05,632 --> 00:26:07,634
"WHAT?
354
00:26:11,871 --> 00:26:15,642
WHATEVER, DUDE.
WHAT'S THIS BUILDING?"
355
00:26:15,675 --> 00:26:18,978
"IT'S YOUR FUCKIN' HOTEL.
GET OUT!"
356
00:26:19,011 --> 00:26:22,849
"HELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
WITH THE OTHER DAY
AND THREE QUARTERS?
357
00:26:22,882 --> 00:26:25,752
'CAUSE THE FOOD'S AWFUL."
358
00:26:25,785 --> 00:26:29,021
IT IS AWFUL TOO.
THEY TOOK US TO A PLACE
CALLED THE FOX AND THE HOUND,
359
00:26:29,055 --> 00:26:33,059
AND I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT'S WHAT WE WERE EATIN'.
360
00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:36,362
I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE
THEY WERE SERVING THAT NIGHT,
BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS:
361
00:26:36,395 --> 00:26:39,666
IT NEEDED KETCHUP.
362
00:26:42,835 --> 00:26:45,772
AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE
ANY KETCHUP.
363
00:26:50,710 --> 00:26:54,080
I WANTED TO TAKE MY SON
TO SEE ST. PAUL'S CATHEDRAL,
364
00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:56,348
THE SECOND-LARGEST CATHEDRAL
IN THE WORLD, AND IT WAS CLOSED,
365
00:26:56,382 --> 00:26:59,686
BECAUSE THE NEXT DAY
WAS THE QUEEN'S BIRTHDAY.
366
00:26:59,719 --> 00:27:02,421
LIKE, WELL,
THIS IS A CHURCH.
367
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:07,293
JESUS DOESN'T TAKE A DAY OFF
BECAUSE THIS WOMAN AGED.
368
00:27:07,326 --> 00:27:11,698
WHAT IF THIS WERE THE DAY
I WANTED TO GIVE MY LIFE
TO CHRIST?
369
00:27:12,965 --> 00:27:14,967
IT WASN'T.
370
00:27:17,236 --> 00:27:20,006
BUT WHAT IF
IT WOULD'VE BEEN?
371
00:27:20,039 --> 00:27:22,742
I'D HAVE BEEN SCREWED,
THAT'S WHAT.
372
00:27:25,044 --> 00:27:29,448
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'D
EVER GET THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND
FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
373
00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:32,785
THAT'S GOTTA BE
A TOUGH OLD BROAD
TO SHOP FOR, DOESN'T IT?
374
00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:38,057
I BOUGHT MY WIFE BREAST IMPLANTS
FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
375
00:27:38,090 --> 00:27:40,459
I'VE NEVER BEEN A BIG FAN
OF PLASTIC SURGERY,
376
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:45,464
BUT I GOT TO ADMIT,
I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN
PLAYING WITH THESE THINGS.
377
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:49,101
I HAVEN'T GIVEN 'EM
TO HER YET.
378
00:27:54,506 --> 00:27:59,746
I JUST KEEP 'EM ON MY TOUR BUS
AND JUST RUB 'EM IN MY FACE.
379
00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:05,217
I'M GLAD THEY CLEAN UP EASY.
380
00:28:09,355 --> 00:28:11,891
WHAT?
381
00:28:11,924 --> 00:28:16,495
I'M JUST GLAD THEY'RE
NOT MADE OUT OF CORDUROY.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYIN'.
382
00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:19,832
I'D HAVE TO HAVE 'EM
SCOTCHGARDED.
383
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,969
[ IMITATES SPRAY CAN
DISPENSING ]
384
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:31,243
I FIND IT A LITTLE IRONIC
THAT THE PRODUCT THAT I USE...
385
00:28:31,277 --> 00:28:34,413
TO KEEP FROM RUINING MY SOFA
SHOULD I SPILL MY DRINK ON IT...
386
00:28:34,446 --> 00:28:36,248
IS ACTUALLY CALLED...
387
00:28:37,449 --> 00:28:39,385
"SCOTCHGARD."
388
00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:49,962
SOMETIMES THINGS JUST WORK OUT
PERFECT, DON'T THEY?
389
00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:53,966
"YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR A PRODUCT
THAT'LL PROTECT MY SOFA
SHOULD I SPILL MY SCOTCH ON IT.
390
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,002
WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"
391
00:28:58,838 --> 00:29:00,907
"WE'VE GOT SCOTCHGARD."
392
00:29:05,244 --> 00:29:07,980
"YEAH, LET'S GO WITH THAT.
393
00:29:10,983 --> 00:29:12,985
"DO YOU HAVE VODKAGARD?
394
00:29:14,854 --> 00:29:17,023
HOW ABOUT SPERMGARD?"
395
00:29:17,056 --> 00:29:20,292
IT'S A BUSY COUCH.
396
00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:31,403
I FOUND OUT WHEN I GOT BACK
FROM EUROPE THAT I WAS
BEING SUED BY A PAPER PLANT.
397
00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:32,872
THAT'S WHAT THE LAWYERS
WERE FOR.
398
00:29:32,905 --> 00:29:36,843
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER
DRIVEN BY A PAPER PLANT,
BUT THE BY-PRODUCT...
399
00:29:36,876 --> 00:29:40,046
IN THE MANUFACTURE
OF PAPER IN THIS COUNTRY
IS A STENCH SO FOUL,
400
00:29:40,079 --> 00:29:42,314
IT WILL KNOCK YOU TO
YOUR EVER-LOVIN' KNEES.
401
00:29:42,348 --> 00:29:45,251
CROWN PAPER IN HOUSTON,
TEXAS, IS SUIN' ME...
402
00:29:45,284 --> 00:29:47,854
BECAUSE I SAID ON STAGE
IN HOUSTON, TEXAS,
403
00:29:47,854 --> 00:29:51,557
THAT CROWN PAPER
WAS MAKING THE TOWN STINK.
404
00:29:54,226 --> 00:29:57,864
LIKE I LET SOME BIG CAT
OUT OF THE BAG.
405
00:29:59,265 --> 00:30:02,969
"OH, WE DIDN'T KNOW IT STUNK
TILL YOU BROUGHT IT UP, RON.
406
00:30:03,002 --> 00:30:07,473
"COME TO THINK OF IT,
IT SMELLS LIKE A HARD-BOILED
EGG FART IN THIS TOWN.
407
00:30:12,111 --> 00:30:14,881
IS THAT SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT,
MR. WHITE?"
408
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:22,021
THE REASON I BROUGHT IT UP--
I'M FROM HOUSTON.
409
00:30:22,054 --> 00:30:26,993
AND AS A CHILD I LIVED,
LITERALLY, IN THE SHADOW
OF THIS PAPER PLANT.
410
00:30:27,026 --> 00:30:31,597
AND AS A CHILD, I THOUGHT
THE WHOLE WORLD SMELLED
LIKE THAT. I DIDN'T KNOW.
411
00:30:31,630 --> 00:30:35,067
THE FIRST TIME MY FAMILY WENT
ON VACATION TO ANOTHER CITY,
I WAS AMAZED.
412
00:30:35,101 --> 00:30:38,170
I WAS LIKE
"WHAT'S THAT DELICIOUS SMELL?
413
00:30:38,204 --> 00:30:41,573
OH, GOD! THAT SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN
AND FLOWERS MIXED TOGETHER.
WHAT IS IT?"
414
00:30:41,607 --> 00:30:43,609
"THAT'S
A SEWER-TREATMENT FACILITY."
415
00:30:45,477 --> 00:30:48,114
"THAT'S FETID SHIT?
416
00:30:48,147 --> 00:30:53,119
"YOU SHOULD BOTTLE THAT, SEND IT
TO HOUSTON. PEOPLE COULD RUB
A LITTLE UNDER THEIR NOSE,
417
00:30:53,152 --> 00:30:57,990
WALK RIGHT BY THAT PAPER PLANT
WITHOUT THROWIN' UP
THEIR FUCKIN' LUNCH."
418
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:04,330
"AND WE FOUND A NEW USE
FOR FETID SHIT.
419
00:31:04,363 --> 00:31:07,266
I THINK WE ALL WIN."
420
00:31:11,637 --> 00:31:14,941
ACTUALLY, THE REASON I BROUGHT
IT UP-- I'M FROM HOUSTON.
I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE.
421
00:31:14,974 --> 00:31:19,578
I WAS JUST BACK IN TOWN DOIN'
SOME SHOWS. ONE MORNING I WAS
READING THE HOUSTON CHRONICLE,
422
00:31:19,611 --> 00:31:22,949
AND THERE WAS AN ARTICLE
IN THE PAPER ABOUT
THAT PARTICULAR PAPER PLANT.
423
00:31:22,949 --> 00:31:26,152
IT SAID IN THE ARTICLE THAT,
DEPENDING ON WHICH WAY
THE WIND WAS BLOWING,
424
00:31:26,185 --> 00:31:29,388
THAT 2,000,000 PEOPLE
COULD SMELL THE STENCH...
425
00:31:29,421 --> 00:31:32,224
PRODUCED BY THIS
ONE PAPER PLANT AT A TIME.
426
00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:35,627
THAT IS A BIG ODOR.
427
00:31:37,663 --> 00:31:41,968
IF IT WAS MUSIC
AND 2,000,000 PEOPLE
COULD HEAR IT,
428
00:31:41,968 --> 00:31:44,603
THEY'D MAKE 'EM TURN IT
THE FUCK OFF.
429
00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:56,582
BECAUSE IT'S A SMELL IT'S OKAY?
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.
430
00:31:56,615 --> 00:31:59,351
FIND A WAY TO MAKE PAPER
THAT DOESN'T STINK.
431
00:31:59,385 --> 00:32:03,489
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE
TRYIN' TO MAKE CATFISH BAIT
OUTTA CABBAGE, GODDAMN IT!
432
00:32:03,522 --> 00:32:07,426
YOU'RE MAKIN' PAPER OUTTA WOOD.
PAPER DOESN'T STINK.
WOOD DOESN'T STINK.
433
00:32:07,459 --> 00:32:10,529
YOU'RE DOIN' SOMETHIN'
TO MAKE IT STINK.
FUCKIN' QUIT!
434
00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:23,442
THAT'S ME DANCING
ON MY SOAPBOX.
435
00:32:29,515 --> 00:32:32,084
I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.
I CONSIDER MYSELF A PATRIOT.
436
00:32:32,118 --> 00:32:34,453
I MET MY FIRST WIFE
DURING THE VIETNAM WAR.
437
00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:37,656
SHE WAS FROM THIS
QUAINT LITTLE VILLAGE
OUTSIDE OF PHNOM "PENHEN"--
438
00:32:37,689 --> 00:32:41,727
PHNO-- PHNOM--
I CAN NEVER PRONOUNCE THAT WORD.
439
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:43,695
VANCOUVER.
440
00:32:50,536 --> 00:32:52,571
IT'S NOT TRUE.
441
00:32:52,604 --> 00:32:56,108
IT'S FUNNY,
BUT IT ISN'T TRUE.
I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.
442
00:32:56,142 --> 00:32:59,445
I DO WHAT I CAN TO SUPPORT
OUR TROOPS NO MATTER WHAT
THEY'VE BEEN ASKED TO DO.
443
00:32:59,478 --> 00:33:01,580
I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE
IN ADVANCE WITH THE MISSION...
444
00:33:01,613 --> 00:33:05,117
TO SUPPORT THE YOUNG MEN
AND WOMEN WHO DO MY BIDDING.
445
00:33:09,355 --> 00:33:13,059
LAST YEAR I WENT ON
A U.F.O. TOUR-- U.F.O.! U.F.--
446
00:33:17,696 --> 00:33:20,266
THANK YOU.
447
00:33:23,502 --> 00:33:25,704
THAT'S GOOD, RON.
448
00:33:25,737 --> 00:33:28,574
I WENT ON A U.F.O. TOUR,
WHICH...
449
00:33:28,607 --> 00:33:31,543
NOT A LOT OF COMEDIANS
ARE ASKED TO DO.
450
00:33:33,079 --> 00:33:35,481
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
THE JOKES TRANSLATE SO--
451
00:33:36,482 --> 00:33:38,484
SO POORLY...
452
00:33:40,152 --> 00:33:42,688
FROM ONE PLANET
TO THE NEXT, YOU KNOW.
453
00:33:48,260 --> 00:33:50,296
THESE ARE LEGAL ALIENS.
454
00:33:54,333 --> 00:33:57,269
BUT ODDLY ENOUGH,
THEY STILL SPEAK SPANISH.
455
00:34:02,841 --> 00:34:05,111
I WENT ON A U.S.O. TOUR,
456
00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:08,247
AND I'LL TELL YOU
THE DIFFERENCE.
457
00:34:10,649 --> 00:34:12,584
EARTHLINGS.
458
00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,855
I WAS IN GERMANY FOR 10 DAYS
DOIN' SHOWS FOR TROOPS...
459
00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:20,126
GOIN' INTO AND COMIN' OUT
OF IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.
460
00:34:20,159 --> 00:34:24,230
THEY ASKED ME TO GO TO IRAQ,
AND I WAS LIKE, "FUCK YOU.
461
00:34:24,263 --> 00:34:29,135
I'M NOT GOIN' TO THAT SHITHOLE.
I'M 50 AND FAT. I'LL GET SHOT."
462
00:34:29,135 --> 00:34:33,272
I COULDN'T DODGE
A GODDAMN DOUGHNUT
IF YOU THREW IT AT ME.
463
00:34:39,345 --> 00:34:42,314
"WHAT'D YOU THROW
A FUCKIN' DOUGHNUT
AT ME FOR, MAN?
464
00:34:42,348 --> 00:34:44,350
YOU HIT ME RIGHT
IN THE HEART, DUDE."
465
00:34:44,383 --> 00:34:49,455
AND THEN WHEN WE FILMED
BLUE COLLAR III, WE FILMED IT
IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
466
00:34:49,488 --> 00:34:53,359
THE FINE FOLKS AT THE U.S.O.
ASKED US TO SPEND THE DAY
AT WALTER REED HOSPITAL.
467
00:34:53,392 --> 00:34:56,295
AND IF YOU GO TO WALTER REED
HOSPITAL, YOU'LL SEE
A BY-PRODUCT OF THIS WAR...
468
00:34:56,328 --> 00:34:59,465
NOBODY LIKES TO TALK ABOUT,
BUT THEY SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT
EVERY DAY...
469
00:34:59,498 --> 00:35:02,501
BECAUSE THE SACRIFICE THESE
YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN HAVE MADE
FOR THIS COUNTRY,
470
00:35:02,534 --> 00:35:05,304
THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK
AND THEY SHOULD BE APPLAUDED
AND SALUTED...
471
00:35:05,337 --> 00:35:09,208
AND GIVEN THE BEST MEDICAL CARE
WE CAN GIVE 'EM
FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
472
00:35:11,243 --> 00:35:13,212
AND THEY SHOULD NOT LIVE
IN ABJECT POVERTY...
473
00:35:13,245 --> 00:35:17,183
BECAUSE THEY MADE A SACRIFICE
TO THE GREATEST NATION
ON THIS PLANET.
474
00:35:17,183 --> 00:35:22,388
AND IF WE FAIL THERE,
WE FAIL EVERYWHERE
WE CAN FAIL, FOLKS.
475
00:35:37,869 --> 00:35:40,906
TO THE TROOPS, GUYS.
CHEERS.
476
00:35:47,413 --> 00:35:49,047
I'LL TELL YOU ONE
U.S.O. STORY.
477
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:53,885
WE'RE GOING FROM ROOM TO ROOM
VISITING THESE AMAZINGLY
BRAVE AMERICANS AT WALTER REED.
478
00:35:53,919 --> 00:35:56,922
ME, JEFF FOXWORTHY,
BILL ENGVALL,
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
479
00:35:56,955 --> 00:36:00,392
AND WE GO TO THIS KID'S ROOM
AND THIS KID IS MANGLED.
480
00:36:00,426 --> 00:36:02,394
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'LL EVER DO FOR HIM.
481
00:36:02,428 --> 00:36:05,764
THE ONLY WAY HE COULD TALK
WAS TO HOLD HIS FINGER
OVER A HOLE IN HIS THROAT.
482
00:36:05,797 --> 00:36:10,236
HE'D BREATHE IN. HE WOULDN'T USE
A LOT OF WORDS, BUT WHAT HE SAID
WAS VERY POIGNANT, VERY FUNNY.
483
00:36:10,236 --> 00:36:12,238
I WAS JUST SITTING THERE
ADMIRING HIM, GOING,
484
00:36:12,238 --> 00:36:14,606
"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS KID
TO BE THIS BRAVE?"
485
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,444
AND I CARRY A MAN BAG.
AND IN THE BAG ARE CIGARS
AND CIGAR CUTTERS...
486
00:36:18,477 --> 00:36:23,315
AND LIGHTERS AND READING GLASSES
AND SUNGLASSES AND TAMPAX AND--
487
00:36:23,349 --> 00:36:27,253
MY WIFE'S TITTIES.
AND ALL THE THINGS I NEED...
488
00:36:29,255 --> 00:36:31,457
TO MAKE IT THROUGH
AN AFTERNOON.
489
00:36:34,993 --> 00:36:37,296
WE'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE
THIS KID'S ROOM
AND FOXWORTHY GOES,
490
00:36:37,329 --> 00:36:40,632
"YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY
PERSON TODAY THAT DIDN'T MAKE
FUN OF RON'S PURSE."
491
00:36:40,666 --> 00:36:44,803
AND THIS KID GOES--
492
00:36:48,274 --> 00:36:50,276
"PUSSY."
493
00:36:58,016 --> 00:37:02,521
THAT'S THE ONLY TIME
I'VE EVER SEEN
FOXWORTHY'S SNOT.
494
00:37:09,595 --> 00:37:11,663
"HE CALLED YOU
A PUSSY, DUDE."
495
00:37:12,964 --> 00:37:14,900
OR HOWEVER HE TALKS.
496
00:37:19,971 --> 00:37:22,308
I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.
I DON'T THINK
THIS COUNTRY'S PERFECT.
497
00:37:22,341 --> 00:37:25,311
BUT I DON'T THINK
ANY COUNTRY IS. I THINK THERE
ARE WAYS I COULD HELP...
498
00:37:25,344 --> 00:37:27,979
IMPROVE THIS COUNTRY,
BUT NOBODY IN WASHINGTON
WILL LISTEN TO ME...
499
00:37:28,013 --> 00:37:30,516
BECAUSE OF
MY BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS.
500
00:37:34,019 --> 00:37:36,755
THERE ARE THREE WAYS
I THINK I COULD IMPROVE
THIS COUNTRY.
501
00:37:36,788 --> 00:37:39,725
I COULD IMPROVE THE HEIGHTENED
STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM
IN THIS COUNTRY.
502
00:37:39,758 --> 00:37:41,727
I COULD HELP FUND THE WAR
IN IRAQ.
503
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:44,330
AND THERE'S AN IMMIGRATION
PROBLEM. THEY WANNA BUILD
A WALL...
504
00:37:44,330 --> 00:37:46,698
ALL THE WAY
FROM THE GULF OF MEXICO
TO THE SPECIFIC OCEAN.
505
00:37:46,732 --> 00:37:48,934
THE SPECIFIC--
506
00:37:48,967 --> 00:37:53,972
TO A SPECIFIC OCEAN
WHICH THEY'VE ALREADY CHOSEN.
507
00:37:59,878 --> 00:38:02,848
"OH, HE WAS SHARP
THE NIGHT WE SAW HIM.
508
00:38:03,915 --> 00:38:07,486
"WENT ON A U.F.O. TOUR.
509
00:38:07,519 --> 00:38:12,090
"TOOK A TRIP ACROSS
A SPECIFIC OCEAN...
510
00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:14,693
WHICH HE HAD ALREADY CHOSEN
IN ADVANCE."
511
00:38:22,067 --> 00:38:23,869
FUCK.
512
00:38:27,939 --> 00:38:31,042
FOLKS, I BELIEVE IN MY HEART
THAT THE DEPARTMENT
OF HOMELAND SECURITY'S...
513
00:38:31,076 --> 00:38:33,812
COLOR-CODED HEIGHTENED STATE
OF AWARENESS SYSTEM...
514
00:38:33,845 --> 00:38:38,850
MIGHT BE THE MOST USELESS
THING EVER SHOVED DOWN THE
THROATS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
515
00:38:38,884 --> 00:38:42,854
IN ALL MY TRAVELS,
I'VE YET TO MEET ONE PERSON...
516
00:38:42,888 --> 00:38:45,791
THAT KNOWS WHAT TO DO DIFFERENT
IF THE HEIGHTENED STATE
OF AWARENESS...
517
00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:48,394
IS YELLOW OR ORANGE,
OR ORANGE OR YELLOW.
518
00:38:48,427 --> 00:38:51,630
NOTHING EVER HAPPENS ANYWAY.
I HAVEN'T MET ONE PERSON
THAT KNOWS
519
00:38:51,663 --> 00:38:55,534
THAT THERE ARE FIVE
HEIGHTENED STATES OF AWARENESS
IN THIS COUNTRY.
520
00:38:55,567 --> 00:38:58,470
DID YOU KNOW THAT, SIR?
FUCK NO, YOU DIDN'T.
521
00:39:01,106 --> 00:39:03,108
OH, WELL.
522
00:39:04,443 --> 00:39:07,679
BLUE, GREEN, YELLOW,
ORANGE AND RED.
523
00:39:07,713 --> 00:39:10,682
APPARENTLY, WHEN
THE HEIGHTENED STATE
OF AWARENESS IS BLUE,
524
00:39:10,716 --> 00:39:13,785
YOU DON'T EVEN NEED
SUNSCREEN.
525
00:39:13,819 --> 00:39:16,822
YOU CAN JUST WALK OUTSIDE NAKED.
526
00:39:25,597 --> 00:39:29,701
I'M NOT SURE WHY
THE SCOTTISH GUY SAID THAT.
527
00:39:33,672 --> 00:39:35,941
"YOU CAN'T EVEN BURN MY COCK!"
528
00:39:41,146 --> 00:39:44,082
THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAVE
WITH THE HEIGHTENED STATE
OF AWARENESS SYSTEM...
529
00:39:44,115 --> 00:39:46,084
IS THAT IT MAKES NO SENSE.
530
00:39:46,117 --> 00:39:50,889
THE SECOND BIGGEST PROBLEM
I HAVE WITH IT IS
THAT IT SCARES MY MOTHER.
531
00:39:52,924 --> 00:39:55,126
THANKS.
532
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,564
THE LAST TIME THE HEIGHTENED
STATE OF AWARENESS SWITCHED
FROM YELLOW TO ORANGE,
533
00:39:58,597 --> 00:40:00,566
MY MOTHER CALLED ME.
534
00:40:00,599 --> 00:40:05,804
AND MY MOTHER
IS VERY, UM, RURAL,
535
00:40:05,837 --> 00:40:07,906
AS AM I.
536
00:40:07,939 --> 00:40:09,908
MOTHER CALLED ME
AND SHE GOES,
537
00:40:09,941 --> 00:40:14,045
"THE HEIGHTENED STATE
OF AWARENESS JUST
SWITCHED TO ORANGE."
538
00:40:14,079 --> 00:40:16,582
I SAID, "I KNOW, MOTHER.
I WAS WATCHING TELEVISION."
539
00:40:16,615 --> 00:40:19,150
SHE GOES,
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."
540
00:40:21,553 --> 00:40:26,592
I SAID, "MOTHER, NOBODY KNOWS
WHAT TO DO. THEY DIDN'T PRINT
A FLYER WITH THIS PROGRAM.
541
00:40:26,625 --> 00:40:29,495
"BUT SINCE WE WERE ATTACKED
ON 9/11, MAMA,
542
00:40:29,528 --> 00:40:32,831
WE'VE ALL BEEN IN A GENERAL
HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS."
543
00:40:32,864 --> 00:40:36,535
SHES GOES,
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS."
544
00:40:38,737 --> 00:40:42,908
I SAID, "WELL, MOM, UH,
545
00:40:42,941 --> 00:40:47,546
"IF YOU'RE GETTING ON
AN AIRPLANE AND THE PERSON
IN FRONT OF YOU...
546
00:40:47,579 --> 00:40:52,551
"HAS SEVEN "H'S" IN
THEIR NAME AND A BASKET
OF FUCKING COBRAS,
547
00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:02,528
CHECK THEIR SHOES FOR FUSES."
548
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:07,533
AND THAT'S NOT RACISM.
THAT'S PROFILIN'.
549
00:41:08,834 --> 00:41:12,003
AND YA HAVE TO DO
SOME PROFILING.
550
00:41:12,037 --> 00:41:17,643
YOU CAN'T FRISK 10 GRANDMOTHERS
JUST SO YOU CAN PRETEND THAT
GUY DOESN'T LOOK SUSPICIOUS.
551
00:41:17,676 --> 00:41:22,080
BULLSHIT. GO FRISK HIS ASS.
IF HE GETS ALL PISSED OFF,
GO, "SORRY."
552
00:41:23,549 --> 00:41:25,551
AND IF HE'S STILL PISSED OFF
AFTER THAT, GO,
553
00:41:25,551 --> 00:41:28,987
"HEY, YOU WORE THE TURBAN
TO THE FUCKING AIRPORT, BUDDY.
554
00:41:29,020 --> 00:41:32,190
"YOU KNOW.
555
00:41:32,223 --> 00:41:37,095
BUY A JOHN DEERE CAP
FOR TRAVEL DAYS.
FUCK, I DON'T KNOW."
556
00:41:45,070 --> 00:41:48,206
"BUY A JOHN DEERE TURBAN.
DO THEY MAKE 'EM?
557
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:51,209
I'M SORRY.
WE'RE A LITTLE EDGY."
558
00:42:00,085 --> 00:42:02,287
IF I WERE IN CHARGE
OF THE DEPARTMENT
OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
559
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:05,691
WE'D HAVE A HEIGHTENED STATE
OF AWARENESS SYSTEM IN
THIS COUNTRY, THAT'S FOR SURE,
560
00:42:05,724 --> 00:42:07,693
BUT WE'D HAVE ONE
THAT MADE SENSE...
561
00:42:07,726 --> 00:42:11,329
AND ONE THAT THE FINE
CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY
UNDERSTOOD.
562
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:14,199
AND WE WOULD HAVE TWO
HEIGHTENED STATES
OF AWARENESS--
563
00:42:14,232 --> 00:42:17,869
GO FIND A HELMET.
564
00:42:17,903 --> 00:42:20,238
PUT ON THE FUCKING HELMET.
565
00:42:27,012 --> 00:42:30,148
THAT WAY I'D KNOW WHAT TO SAY
TO MY MOTHER WHEN SHE CALLS,
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."
566
00:42:30,181 --> 00:42:33,719
"IT'S PUT ON
A FUCKING HELMET DAY.
567
00:42:33,752 --> 00:42:35,887
"PUT ON A FUCKING HELMET, MOM.
568
00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:44,262
THAT STRAP GOES UNDER
YOUR CHIN, MOTHER."
569
00:42:52,337 --> 00:42:56,775
WHEN MOTHER HAS HER HELMET ON,
SHE FORGETS HER NECK WORKS.
570
00:43:04,315 --> 00:43:06,852
"JUST TURN YOUR HEAD, MOM.
571
00:43:12,257 --> 00:43:14,726
YOU'RE GETTING IT."
572
00:43:18,864 --> 00:43:22,668
WE FIND OURSELVES, FOLKS,
IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR
WE CAN'T AFFORD FINANCIALLY.
573
00:43:22,701 --> 00:43:25,036
I WON'T ADDRESS ANY OTHER
ASPECTS OF THE WAR.
574
00:43:25,070 --> 00:43:29,240
BUT IT IS TIME TO REFIT
THE BIGGEST ARMY THE WORLD
HAS EVER SEEN.
575
00:43:29,274 --> 00:43:33,178
AND HERE'S THE PROBLEM:
WE'RE BROKE.
576
00:43:33,211 --> 00:43:37,148
WE AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.
WE'RE STILL WRITING CHECKS
LIKE YOU DO IN REAL LIFE,
577
00:43:37,182 --> 00:43:42,020
JUST PRAYING TO GOD SOMEBODY
WILL CASH ONE OF THESE USELESS
SON OF A BITCHES, YOU KNOW.
578
00:43:42,053 --> 00:43:46,124
WE'RE $17 TRILLION IN DEBT.
WE STILL GOT A CHECKBOOK?
REALLY?
579
00:43:54,733 --> 00:43:59,104
SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY
EVENTUALLY IS GONNA TAKE THAT
CHECKBOOK AWAY, DOESN'T IT?
580
00:43:59,137 --> 00:44:02,040
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
CHINA'S CASHING OUR CHECKS.
581
00:44:02,073 --> 00:44:05,043
AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD PLAN
FOR THIS COUNTRY,
MARK MY WORD.
582
00:44:05,076 --> 00:44:07,145
AND THEY CAN'T FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO FUND THIS WAR.
583
00:44:07,178 --> 00:44:11,182
AND I CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA
THAT NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO.
584
00:44:11,216 --> 00:44:15,721
WELL, YOU'RE ABOUT TO
BECAUSE OF YOUR PROXIMITY
TO THIS SPEAKER SYSTEM.
585
00:44:17,255 --> 00:44:19,457
I WAS JUST DOWN
IN COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA,
586
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:22,994
AND JUST SOUTH OF COCOA BEACH,
FLORIDA, IS A HUGE
AIR FORCE BASE...
587
00:44:23,028 --> 00:44:29,100
THAT TAKES UP 115,000 ACRES
OF OCEANFRONT PROPERTY.
588
00:44:29,134 --> 00:44:33,972
THEY HAVE MILITARY HOUSING
ON THE BEACH.
589
00:44:34,005 --> 00:44:36,975
MAJOR NELSON DIDN'T HAVE
OCEANFRONT PROPERTY...
590
00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:41,146
AND HE WAS AN ASTRONAUT
WITH A MOTHERFUCKING GENIE.
591
00:44:45,784 --> 00:44:50,088
IF YOU GOTTA HAVE OCEANFRONT,
JOIN THE NAVY.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
592
00:44:50,121 --> 00:44:52,190
AND BACK THAT BASE UP
15 MILES...
593
00:44:52,223 --> 00:44:55,393
AND LET US SELL THIS ASSET
TO HELP PAY FOR THIS WAR EFFORT.
594
00:44:55,426 --> 00:44:59,164
WE COULD SELL IT TO ISRAEL.
THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF CASH.
THEY NEED A PLACE TO STAY.
595
00:44:59,197 --> 00:45:01,867
THAT SHIT AIN'T WORKING OUT
FOR THEM OVER THERE.
596
00:45:03,769 --> 00:45:08,807
AND IT'S THE ONLY PART
OF FLORIDA THEY DON'T
ALREADY OWN.
597
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:13,411
AND WE TAKE THE MONEY WE MAKE
FROM SELLING THE REST
OF FLORIDA TO ISRAEL.
598
00:45:15,113 --> 00:45:18,784
WE BUY MEXICO,
FIX IT UP AND FLIP IT.
599
00:45:26,491 --> 00:45:32,030
NOW, WE'LL HAVE TO SEND DOWN
SOME PAINTERS AND LANDSCAPERS,
'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL UP HERE.
600
00:45:33,932 --> 00:45:37,402
AND WHEN THEY'RE GONE
YOU'RE GONNA WONDER
WHERE THE FUCK THEY WENT,
601
00:45:37,435 --> 00:45:40,906
'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA WANT
TO DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF.
602
00:45:40,939 --> 00:45:43,842
NOT IF YOU'RE ANYTHING
LIKE ME.
603
00:45:43,875 --> 00:45:47,813
WE SELL MEXICO TO A COUNTRY
THAT CAN PUT A TON OF CASH DOWN,
604
00:45:47,813 --> 00:45:51,382
BUT YOU KNOW THEY CAN'T
MAKE THE PAYMENTS,
605
00:45:51,416 --> 00:45:53,451
LIKE PERU.
606
00:45:53,484 --> 00:45:58,323
PERU HAS BILLIONS AND BILLIONS
OF U.S. DOLLARS-- THEY DO--
607
00:45:58,356 --> 00:46:00,491
IN CASH IN BANKS
ALL OVER PERU.
608
00:46:00,525 --> 00:46:04,162
IT'S OUR COCAINE MONEY
THEY TRICKED US OUT OF.
609
00:46:05,230 --> 00:46:07,999
I MEAN, IT'S
YOUR COCAINE MONEY THEY...
610
00:46:08,033 --> 00:46:10,101
TRICKED YOU OUT OF.
611
00:46:11,937 --> 00:46:15,573
WE GET ALL THAT MONEY BACK--
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS--
612
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:19,577
AND THEN WE FINANCE THE BALANCE
OF MEXICO TO PERU.
613
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:22,513
WE LET 'EM GET BEHIND
ON THE PAYMENTS.
614
00:46:22,547 --> 00:46:27,919
WE REPOSSESS MEXICO.
NOW WE HAVE MEXICO
FREE AND CLEAR.
615
00:46:27,953 --> 00:46:30,388
NEW PAINT, NEW SHRUBS.
616
00:46:35,026 --> 00:46:38,997
AND WITH ALL THAT COCAINE
MONEY, WE START BUYING COUNTRIES
SOUTH OF MEXICO.
617
00:46:39,030 --> 00:46:43,201
WE BUY 'EM ALL. WE BUY BELIZE,
HONDURAS, NICARAGUA,
EL SALVADOR, COSTA RICA.
618
00:46:43,234 --> 00:46:44,903
AND EVERY TIME YOU BUY
ONE OF THOSE COUNTRIES,
619
00:46:44,936 --> 00:46:50,308
THAT LONG-ASS WALL THIS COUNTRY
NEEDS TO BUILD GETS A LITTLE
FUCKIN' SHORTER, DOESN'T IT?
620
00:46:53,912 --> 00:46:58,116
UNTIL EVENTUALLY WE BUY
BACK THE PANAMA CANAL,
WHICH WE BUILT ANYWAY,
621
00:46:58,149 --> 00:47:01,352
STAND THERE AND GO,
"SWIM THIS, BITCH."
622
00:47:08,626 --> 00:47:11,262
SO, I TOUR,
THAT'S WHAT I DO.
623
00:47:11,296 --> 00:47:14,532
I GO FROM CITY TO CITY
TO CITY TO CITY.
624
00:47:14,565 --> 00:47:16,935
I'VE DONE IT FOR 22 YEARS.
I'VE ENJOYED EVERY SECOND
OF IT.
625
00:47:16,968 --> 00:47:19,204
I LOVE TO DO THIS
FUCKIN' JOB.
626
00:47:19,237 --> 00:47:24,009
I TOUR WITH MY WIFE. I LOVE
TO TOUR WITH MY WIFE BECAUSE
I ONLY HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE.
627
00:47:24,042 --> 00:47:26,912
I LIKE TO HAVE SEX.
I DON'T HAVE SEX
WITH OTHER WOMEN.
628
00:47:26,912 --> 00:47:30,949
I'VE BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES
AND THAT HAS NOT ALWAYS
BEEN MY POLICY.
629
00:47:36,154 --> 00:47:41,092
BUT I'M 51 YEARS OLD. AND
I SAID IF I GOT MARRIED AGAIN
I'D QUIT THE RUNNING AROUND.
630
00:47:41,126 --> 00:47:45,130
AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I FIND A LOT OF COMFORT
IN HAVING ONE SEX PARTNER...
631
00:47:45,163 --> 00:47:50,468
BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT I LIKE,
AND I KNOW WHAT SHE WON'T DO.
632
00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:58,977
IT TURNS OUT THERE'S A LIST
OF SHIT SHE WON'T DO.
633
00:48:00,445 --> 00:48:05,116
AND THE FIRST THING ON THE LIST
IS "TALK ABOUT THE LIST."
634
00:48:07,685 --> 00:48:11,957
MY FAVORITE BY-PRODUCT OF
MONOGAMY-- IT DIDN'T EVEN DAWN
ON ME THIS WOULD BE THE CASE.
635
00:48:11,957 --> 00:48:16,227
WHEN I FIGURED THIS OUT,
I FELT A HUGE WEIGHT
JUST FLUTTER OFF MY SHOULDERS.
636
00:48:16,261 --> 00:48:19,697
A LOT OF YOU GUYS MIGHT NOT
REALIZE THIS, SO THIS COULD
BE A BIG NIGHT IN YOUR LIFE...
637
00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:23,168
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO IMPART
TO YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
I'VE EVER LEARNED.
638
00:48:23,201 --> 00:48:26,972
SO, GUYS, I WANT YOU
TO OPEN UP YOUR SENSES
AND REALLY TAKE THIS IN.
639
00:48:26,972 --> 00:48:29,507
DON'T WASTE THIS MOMENT,
'CAUSE HERE IT COMES.
640
00:48:32,510 --> 00:48:34,479
READY? HERE IT COMES.
641
00:48:34,512 --> 00:48:38,416
GUYS, IF YOU ONLY
FUCK YOUR WIFE,
642
00:48:38,449 --> 00:48:41,386
YOU CAN'T GET CAUGHT.
643
00:48:42,587 --> 00:48:45,523
FEEL IT?
YOU FEEL IT?
644
00:48:47,492 --> 00:48:50,361
NOBODY GIVES
A RAT'S ASS.
645
00:48:50,395 --> 00:48:53,464
NOBODY'S EVER GONNA
KICK IN A BEDROOM DOOR--
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
646
00:48:53,498 --> 00:48:55,400
IS THAT YOUR OLD LADY?"
647
00:49:01,339 --> 00:49:05,210
I MAY BE EXAGGERATING
THAT STROKE JUST A LITTLE BIT.
648
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:14,485
BUT STILL,
A FEROCIOUS PIECE OF ASS,
649
00:49:14,519 --> 00:49:18,389
ALTHOUGH EASILY WINDED.
650
00:49:18,423 --> 00:49:23,161
IF YOU DON'T MIND STOPPIN'
AND STARTIN', I MIGHT BE
THE BEST FUCK ON THE PLANET.
651
00:49:38,743 --> 00:49:42,147
THAT'S THE WAY I ROLL,
LADIES.
652
00:49:48,053 --> 00:49:50,655
MY FAVORITE PLACE TO HAVE SEX
IS ON MY TOUR BUS...
653
00:49:50,688 --> 00:49:53,691
BECAUSE IF I DON'T QUITE HAVE
THE WIND TO GET HER THERE,
654
00:49:53,724 --> 00:49:57,228
I CAN JUST HOLLER
AT THAT DRIVER,
"PUMP THE BRAKES!"
655
00:49:58,463 --> 00:50:01,399
[ IMITATING
BRAKES PUMPING ]
656
00:50:05,236 --> 00:50:07,438
"FASTER!"
657
00:50:07,472 --> 00:50:10,141
[ IMITATING BRAKES
PUMPING RAPIDLY ]
658
00:50:14,479 --> 00:50:17,182
"THANKS, PAT!
659
00:50:17,215 --> 00:50:20,251
BOY, THAT PAT CAN FUCK,
CAN'T HE?"
660
00:50:26,691 --> 00:50:29,494
ACTUALLY, YOU CAN GET CAUGHT
HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE.
661
00:50:29,527 --> 00:50:33,831
MY WIFE AND I WERE GOING
AT IT ONE AFTERNOON
AND THE HOUSEKEEPER WALKED IN,
662
00:50:33,864 --> 00:50:37,135
WHICH IS WAY BETTER
THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
663
00:50:41,239 --> 00:50:45,310
IT HAPPENS THE OTHER
WAY AROUND, YOU END UP
SAYING THINGS LIKE,
664
00:50:45,343 --> 00:50:47,512
"I'LL PACK MY SHIT...
665
00:50:50,348 --> 00:50:53,151
AS SOON AS IT QUITS BURNING."
666
00:51:02,327 --> 00:51:05,130
WE HAVE A GREAT SEX LIFE,
I THINK, YOU KNOW.
667
00:51:05,163 --> 00:51:09,434
IT'S NOT LIKE OUR FRIENDS.
WE HAVE THESE FRIENDS
THAT ARE YOUNGER THAN US.
668
00:51:09,467 --> 00:51:11,736
AND THEY HAVE TANTRIC SEX
WHICH IS A YOGA THING...
669
00:51:11,769 --> 00:51:14,305
WHERE YOU CAN HAVE SEX
FOR HOURS AND HOURS.
670
00:51:14,339 --> 00:51:17,175
AND, YEAH, WE DON'T--
WE DON'T DO THAT.
671
00:51:20,278 --> 00:51:24,182
WE DID INVENT A SEXUAL POSITION
THAT I NAMED...
672
00:51:26,551 --> 00:51:28,786
"THE LAZY DOG."
673
00:51:31,656 --> 00:51:33,824
AND I'LL TEACH YOU
HOW TO DO THE LAZY DOG.
674
00:51:33,858 --> 00:51:37,828
WHAT YOU DO IS YOU GET
IN BED THERE AND YOU GET
IN THE DOGGY-STYLE POSITION,
675
00:51:37,862 --> 00:51:42,633
AND THEN BOTH OF YOU,
AT THE SAME TIME--
AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART--
676
00:51:42,667 --> 00:51:44,669
FALL OVER.
677
00:51:46,504 --> 00:51:49,474
NOW YOU'RE DOING
THE LAZY DOG.
678
00:51:49,507 --> 00:51:53,844
I CAN STAY IN THAT POSITION
ALL NIGHT LONG.
679
00:51:55,413 --> 00:51:57,648
OR UNTIL SHE COUGHS.
680
00:52:01,652 --> 00:52:05,190
ONCE SHE COUGHS ME OUT,
I'M OUT FOR THE NIGHT.
681
00:52:05,223 --> 00:52:08,593
THERE'S NO MORE LAZY DOG
THAT NIGHT.
682
00:52:09,727 --> 00:52:13,931
SHE SNEEZED ME OUT
ONE TIME.
683
00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:19,337
AND MY OWN DICK
HIT ONE OF MY OWN NUTS
AND HURT IT.
684
00:52:19,370 --> 00:52:22,873
AND NOW I HAVE DIFFICULTY
INTERPRETING HER SEXUAL NOISES.
685
00:52:22,907 --> 00:52:25,710
SHE'LL BE--
686
00:52:25,743 --> 00:52:29,780
I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S
ABOUT TO COME OR SNEEZE...
687
00:52:29,814 --> 00:52:33,484
WHICH MAKES ME
A NERVOUS LOVER...
688
00:52:33,518 --> 00:52:38,223
WHICH CAUSES
PREMATURE EJACULATION.
689
00:52:43,828 --> 00:52:46,631
NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE
KNOW THAT.
690
00:52:51,269 --> 00:52:53,304
AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE
KNOW THIS.
691
00:52:53,338 --> 00:52:55,873
IT WAS ACTUALLY
RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON...
692
00:52:55,906 --> 00:53:01,779
IN HIS 1968
INAUGURAL ADDRESS
WHO FIRST SAID,
693
00:53:01,812 --> 00:53:03,781
"SHAKE FOR ME, GIRL.
694
00:53:03,814 --> 00:53:06,517
I WANNA BE
YOUR BACK-DOOR MAN."
695
00:53:09,454 --> 00:53:12,490
LOT OF PEOPLE THINK
IT WAS LED ZEPPELIN,
BUT IT WASN'T.
696
00:53:13,658 --> 00:53:15,793
IT WAS RICHARD NIXON.
697
00:53:16,861 --> 00:53:18,963
I'M LIKE 80% SURE.
698
00:53:23,768 --> 00:53:26,571
I'M LIKE 70-- 70% SURE.
699
00:53:28,273 --> 00:53:30,341
FIFTY.
700
00:53:30,375 --> 00:53:32,677
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT WAS LED ZEPPELIN.
701
00:53:37,815 --> 00:53:40,718
YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEBODY
CALLED ME TODAY?
702
00:53:40,751 --> 00:53:43,621
UM, UH--
A METROSEXUAL.
703
00:53:45,990 --> 00:53:49,727
IS THAT LIKE A LOCAL TERM
OR SOMETHING? I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
704
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:52,797
I'M SITTING THERE GETTING
A PEDICURE, READING VOGUE--
705
00:53:58,736 --> 00:54:02,039
MY WIFE GOT ME A CERTIFICATE
TO GET A PEDICURE...
706
00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:05,510
BECAUSE SHE THINKS
MY FEET ARE NASTY.
707
00:54:05,543 --> 00:54:08,379
AND I WENT DOWN THERE
TO THIS POOR, OLD ASIAN WOMAN...
708
00:54:08,413 --> 00:54:13,551
WHO'S TRYING TO RESHAPE
MY BIG TOE INTO, LIKE,
A REGULAR-SIZED TOE.
709
00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,986
AND SHE'S GOT
THIS CARROT-PEELER
KIND OF A TOOL...
710
00:54:16,020 --> 00:54:20,658
THAT SHE'S USING TO SCRAPE AWAY
YEARS OF NEGLECTED DEAD SKIN
OFF THESE DOGS.
711
00:54:20,691 --> 00:54:25,029
AND SHE HAS A GENUINELY
DISGUSTED LOOK ON HER FACE.
712
00:54:25,062 --> 00:54:29,600
SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE GOES--
713
00:54:32,937 --> 00:54:36,341
NOW WHY I THOUGHT
THAT WOULD BE FUNNY,
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
714
00:54:40,645 --> 00:54:42,880
MAYBE I DID IT WRONG.
715
00:54:44,081 --> 00:54:47,852
"PEDICURE NOT ONLY FOR YOU"--
716
00:54:49,654 --> 00:54:51,656
NOPE.
717
00:54:55,059 --> 00:54:59,029
"PEDICURE NOT ONLY FOR YOU"
NEED PUNCH LINE.
718
00:55:01,799 --> 00:55:04,369
MAKE A MENTAL NOTE.
719
00:55:05,603 --> 00:55:07,605
JOKE NOT FINISH.
720
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:16,781
ADD PUNCH LINE.
MAKE FUNNY FOR EVERYONE.
721
00:55:21,686 --> 00:55:26,824
MAMA'S THE ONE GOT ME
DRINKIN' SCOTCH.
MAMA LOVED TO DRINK.
722
00:55:26,857 --> 00:55:29,560
SHE LOVES HER SCOTCH, MAN.
MAMA LOVES ALL THINGS SCOTCH.
723
00:55:29,594 --> 00:55:31,829
SHE LIKES HIGHLAND SCOTCH,
LOWLAND SCOTCH,
724
00:55:31,862 --> 00:55:34,499
SINGLE-MALT SCOTCH,
BLENDED SCOTCH.
725
00:55:34,532 --> 00:55:36,601
SHE LIKES THE FUCKIN' TAPE.
726
00:55:43,708 --> 00:55:46,644
AND THE 'GARD.
727
00:55:46,677 --> 00:55:49,079
AND THE HOP.
728
00:55:54,619 --> 00:55:56,454
AND THE BUTTER.
729
00:56:01,726 --> 00:56:04,061
MAKE A MENTAL NOTE.
730
00:56:04,094 --> 00:56:06,697
DO "TAPE" LAST.
IS ONLY ONE FUNNY.
731
00:56:19,176 --> 00:56:21,479
I'LL TELL YOU A STORY
THAT'S FUNNY.
732
00:56:21,512 --> 00:56:23,514
MY UNCLE CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE
THE OTHER DAY.
733
00:56:23,548 --> 00:56:26,717
MY UNCLE USED TO BE
THE PRESIDENT OF THE SOUTHERN
BAPTIST CONVENTION.
734
00:56:26,751 --> 00:56:30,455
HIS NAME IS DR. CHARLES POLLARD.
HE'S A TRIPLE DOCTORATE.
735
00:56:30,455 --> 00:56:34,559
HE HAS DOCTORATES IN THEOLOGY,
PSYCHOLOGY AND PHILOSOPHY.
736
00:56:34,592 --> 00:56:39,096
UM, ALTHOUGH, I THINK
I STILL MAKE MORE MONEY
THAN HE DOES.
737
00:56:41,499 --> 00:56:44,168
HE'S A GREAT MAN.
AND HE CAME OVER AND I WAS
MAKING MYSELF A DRINK,
738
00:56:44,201 --> 00:56:46,170
'CAUSE I NEVER PRETEND
I DON'T DRINK.
739
00:56:46,203 --> 00:56:49,474
YOU MIGHT KNOW THAT
ABOUT ME ALREADY.
740
00:56:49,507 --> 00:56:53,143
AND HE GOES, "SON, YOU ARE NEVER
GONNA FIND THE ANSWERS
TO YOUR PROBLEMS
741
00:56:53,177 --> 00:56:55,179
IN THE BOTTOM
OF THAT BOTTLE."
742
00:56:55,212 --> 00:56:57,515
I SAID, "I KNOW.
743
00:56:57,548 --> 00:57:00,485
"THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA
BUY ANOTHER ONE.
744
00:57:04,054 --> 00:57:08,759
"I KNEW THAT SON OF A BITCH
WAS A DUD THE MINUTE
I LAID EYES ON IT.
745
00:57:08,793 --> 00:57:12,029
"LOOK AT THAT
NO-ANSWER PIECE OF SHIT.
746
00:57:12,062 --> 00:57:15,700
TAKE ME TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
I'VE GOT SOME QUESTIONS."
747
00:57:21,171 --> 00:57:24,675
I DON'T REALLY GET ALONG
AS WELL WITH MY WIFE
AS I PRETEND.
748
00:57:24,709 --> 00:57:28,646
YOU EVER DO THIS? YOU EVER
WANNA SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEBODY,
AND THEN YOU DON'T SAY IT?
749
00:57:28,679 --> 00:57:31,849
AND THEN, LIKE, TWO MONTHS LATER
IT JUST COMES SPEWING OUT...
750
00:57:31,882 --> 00:57:34,519
LIKE TOURETTE'S AND VOMIT.
751
00:57:34,519 --> 00:57:36,921
JUST-- BLAH!
752
00:57:40,891 --> 00:57:44,995
FIRST TIME I MET MY WIFE'S
SISTER WAS AT HER MOTHER'S
75TH BIRTHDAY.
753
00:57:45,029 --> 00:57:48,165
THEY LIVE UP IN CONNECTICUT.
WE TOOK THE PLANE UP.
754
00:57:48,198 --> 00:57:52,537
AND THEY'RE VERY WEALTHY.
THERE'S A BIG PARTY OF 150
PEOPLE AT THIS HUGE HOUSE.
755
00:57:52,537 --> 00:57:56,741
WE'RE AT A ROUND TABLE
OF ABOUT 15 PEOPLE DOWN FRONT.
756
00:57:56,774 --> 00:58:00,210
AND HER SISTER
IS A PUBLISHED CHEF...
757
00:58:00,244 --> 00:58:04,014
AND SHE OWNS A RESTAURANT
IN CONNECTICUT AND SHE OWNS
A COOKING SCHOOL IN FRANCE.
758
00:58:04,048 --> 00:58:06,016
AND SHE'S MARRIED
TO A GUY FROM FRANCE.
759
00:58:06,050 --> 00:58:10,020
AND SHE'S A SNOB, BUT
THEY'RE ALL SNOBS, SO I FIGURE
SHE'LL BE A SNOB PROBABLY.
760
00:58:10,054 --> 00:58:11,922
SHE'S A BIG OLD SNOB TOO.
761
00:58:11,956 --> 00:58:13,991
BIG, OLD, ROUND
AND BIG, OLD GAL.
762
00:58:14,024 --> 00:58:17,595
BIG, OLD "TASTE OF EVERYTHING
THAT COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN"
KIND OF A SNOB.
763
00:58:17,628 --> 00:58:20,831
KIND OF A BIG, OLD, ROUND
AND BIG, OLD GAL.
764
00:58:20,865 --> 00:58:23,601
BIG AND WHOOPA, WHOOPA.
765
00:58:23,634 --> 00:58:27,772
ALMOST A "STAY HOME
AND GO FOR THE RECORD"
KIND OF A SNOB.
766
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:35,580
I WAS JUST MAKING CONVERSATION,
AND I SAID, "I SHOULD COME
TO CONNECTICUT AND DO SHOWS."
767
00:58:35,580 --> 00:58:37,948
AND SHE GOES, "I DON'T THINK
ANYONE IN CONNECTICUT...
768
00:58:37,982 --> 00:58:41,586
IS GOING TO PAY MONEY
TO HEAR HILLBILLY COMEDY."
769
00:58:45,022 --> 00:58:48,859
WELL, I WAS RAISED IN THE SOUTH
AND I'M AT MY WIFE'S MOTHER'S
BIRTHDAY PARTY.
770
00:58:48,893 --> 00:58:52,963
AND I'M NOT GONNA RUIN
THIS WOMAN'S DAY BECAUSE
I CAN'T HOLD MY TONGUE.
771
00:58:52,997 --> 00:58:55,800
AND I DON'T SAY A WORD,
WHICH I SHOULDN'T,
AND I DON'T.
772
00:58:55,833 --> 00:58:59,136
A COUPLE MONTHS, I'M IN
A RESTAURANT WITH MY WIFE,
HAVING DINNER.
773
00:58:59,169 --> 00:59:01,606
AND SHE'S IN
A FOUL, FOUL MOOD.
774
00:59:01,606 --> 00:59:06,210
AND SHE GOES, "THERE ARE
SOME THINGS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY
THAT I JUST CAN'T STAND."
775
00:59:06,243 --> 00:59:09,313
AND I GO, "YOUR SISTER'S
A BIG, FAT CUNT!"
776
00:59:19,690 --> 00:59:21,659
LIKE TOURETTE'S
AND VOMIT, MAN.
777
00:59:21,692 --> 00:59:24,695
"YOUR SISTER'S
A BIG, FAT CUNT!"
778
00:59:25,796 --> 00:59:28,699
AND I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY
HOW LOUD I SAID IT.
779
00:59:29,867 --> 00:59:31,902
BUT EVERY HEAD
IN THE RESTAURANT GOES--
780
00:59:36,206 --> 00:59:38,876
THEN THE WAITER
BROUGHT THE BREAD.
781
00:59:40,144 --> 00:59:42,647
"FUCK, THIS IS GONNA BE
A LONG MEAL.
782
00:59:43,981 --> 00:59:46,651
GOD, I WISH THAT WAS CAKE."
783
00:59:57,227 --> 01:00:00,931
MY WIFE AND I THINK
DIFFERENT THINGS ARE FUNNY.
784
01:00:00,965 --> 01:00:03,267
THAT STORY BEING
A PERFECT EXAMPLE.
785
01:00:07,437 --> 01:00:11,408
ACTUALLY, SHE DOESN'T THINK
ANYTHING'S FUNNY. I DO.
786
01:00:11,441 --> 01:00:15,279
SHE THINKS COSMOPOLITAN
MAGAZINE'S A SERIOUS MAGAZINE.
787
01:00:15,312 --> 01:00:19,183
AND I THINK IT'S
THE FUNNIEST RAG ON THE PLANET.
AND THAT'S AN IMPASSE.
788
01:00:19,216 --> 01:00:21,986
THE OTHER DAY
THERE WAS A COPY OF COSMO
SITTING ON THE TABLE,
789
01:00:22,019 --> 01:00:25,823
AND I WAS READING THE COVER
STORIES ON THE FRONT OF IT
AND I WAS JUST LAUGHIN'.
790
01:00:25,856 --> 01:00:28,292
AND SHE WALKS BY
AND SHE GOES,
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"
791
01:00:28,325 --> 01:00:30,360
LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG,
YOU KNOW?
792
01:00:30,394 --> 01:00:33,263
I SAID, "I WAS JUST READING
THE STORIES ON THE FRONT
OF THIS MAGAZINE.
793
01:00:33,297 --> 01:00:36,166
I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUNNY.
I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT
FIT IN MY SHOW."
794
01:00:36,200 --> 01:00:39,804
AND SHE READS 'EM.
SHE GOES, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY."
795
01:00:39,837 --> 01:00:41,906
HOW WOULD I KNOW?
796
01:00:45,810 --> 01:00:50,014
WHY WOULD I EVEN HAVE AN OPINION
ON WHAT MIGHT BE FOUND HUMOROUS
IN AMERICA TODAY?
797
01:00:51,381 --> 01:00:53,918
CERTAINLY NOT MY LINE
OF WORK.
798
01:00:55,285 --> 01:00:57,955
I SELL SHRIMP
OUT OF A VAN.
799
01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:05,162
"HIS SECRET PLEASURE ZONE."
800
01:01:08,465 --> 01:01:11,001
IT'S NOT A SECRET.
801
01:01:14,138 --> 01:01:17,775
LADIES, IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE YOUR MAN'S SECRET
PLEASURE ZONE IS,
802
01:01:17,808 --> 01:01:22,012
YOU NEED TO BE WEARING
WOLVERINE STEEL-TOED BOOTS.
803
01:01:27,818 --> 01:01:32,189
"FORTY GIRLIE MOVES
THAT DRIVE HIM CRAZY."
804
01:01:34,424 --> 01:01:37,294
TOUCH HIS PLEASURE ZONE.
805
01:01:37,327 --> 01:01:40,064
TOUCH IT 40 TIMES.
806
01:01:40,097 --> 01:01:43,768
AND HERE'S A CLUE.
IT'S OUR DICK.
807
01:01:50,307 --> 01:01:53,077
I PICKED THIS MAGAZINE UP
AND I START THUMBING THROUGH IT,
808
01:01:53,110 --> 01:01:57,047
AND I FOUND AN ARTICLE
ON HOW TO GET YOUR MAN AROUSED.
809
01:01:57,081 --> 01:01:59,516
AND, UH, IT WAS FUNNY.
810
01:01:59,549 --> 01:02:03,520
IT WAS WRITTEN BY A DOCTOR,
SO SOME OF YOU WILL LEARN
A NEW WORD HERE.
811
01:02:03,553 --> 01:02:05,790
I KNOW I DID.
812
01:02:07,491 --> 01:02:11,428
IT SAID,
"FLICK HIS FRENULUM."
813
01:02:11,461 --> 01:02:14,498
AND THEN IN PARENTHESIS,
IT SAYS, "THE SMALL NODULE
OF SKIN...
814
01:02:14,531 --> 01:02:17,434
"BENEATH THE HEAD
OF THE PENIS...
815
01:02:17,467 --> 01:02:20,304
WITH THE FLAT PART
OF YOUR TONGUE."
816
01:02:26,543 --> 01:02:28,979
IT DOESN'T MATTER...
817
01:02:35,152 --> 01:02:37,922
WHAT PART OF THE TONGUE...
818
01:02:37,955 --> 01:02:40,991
YOU FLICK HIS FRENULUM WITH.
819
01:02:41,025 --> 01:02:44,294
IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE
HIS FRENULUM.
820
01:02:44,328 --> 01:02:46,296
PUT YOUR TONGUE ON HIS DICK...
821
01:02:46,330 --> 01:02:50,835
AND SEE IF THINGS
DON'T JUST WORK OUT GREAT
FOR THE TWO OF YOU.
822
01:02:54,939 --> 01:02:59,143
YOU CAN FLICK HIS FRENULUM
WITH A NEWSPAPER...
823
01:03:00,210 --> 01:03:02,012
AND IT WOULD PROBABLY WORK.
824
01:03:08,986 --> 01:03:11,221
ONE OF THE REASONS
I'M STILL MARRIED TO MY WIFE...
825
01:03:11,255 --> 01:03:14,925
IS SHE CAN FLICK MY FRENULUM
WITH HER FUCKIN' TONSILS.
826
01:03:21,131 --> 01:03:26,036
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKIN' FOR
IN A FRENULUM FLICKIN'.
827
01:03:26,070 --> 01:03:29,406
I CALL HER
MY FRIEND FLICKA.
828
01:03:29,439 --> 01:03:33,110
"GET OVER HERE, FLICKA.
I GOT A SUGAR CUBE
AND AN APPLE.
829
01:03:39,183 --> 01:03:42,119
YOU WANT 'EM BOTH, GIRL?"
830
01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:52,562
SHE'S A WEIRD BIRD, MAN.
831
01:03:53,964 --> 01:03:57,301
SHE CAN'T GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT
UNLESS EVERY SINGLE THING...
832
01:03:57,334 --> 01:03:59,303
IN THIS GIGANTIC HOUSE...
833
01:03:59,336 --> 01:04:04,041
IS IN THE EXACT SPOT
SHE MEANT FOR IT TO BE.
834
01:04:05,142 --> 01:04:08,378
NOW, BEFORE I MARRIED HER,
SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS ANAL.
835
01:04:08,412 --> 01:04:11,248
AND I WAS LIKE, "GREAT."
836
01:04:13,951 --> 01:04:17,054
POW! BOOM, BOOM.
837
01:04:17,087 --> 01:04:19,056
POW!
838
01:04:19,089 --> 01:04:22,159
TURNS OUT THERE'S
TWO KINDS OF ANAL.
839
01:04:24,194 --> 01:04:27,064
AND SHE'S THE WRONG ONE.
840
01:04:29,599 --> 01:04:31,969
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M SO OBSESSED WITH MY WIFE...
841
01:04:32,002 --> 01:04:34,671
PARTICIPATING IN ANAL SEX,
BUT SHE WON'T DO IT.
842
01:04:34,704 --> 01:04:37,074
I THOUGHT MAYBE ON
OUR ANNIVERSARY SHE WOULD.
843
01:04:37,107 --> 01:04:41,311
WE'RE ON A REALLY NICE CRUISE
AND I GET HER ALL SHINED UP
ONE NIGHT.
844
01:04:43,313 --> 01:04:46,216
AND I'M JUST BEGGING HER,
WHICH IS PATHETIC,
YOU KNOW.
845
01:04:46,250 --> 01:04:50,220
SHE GOES, "RON, YOU NEED
TO GET SOMETHING THROUGH
YOUR THICK SKULL.
846
01:04:50,254 --> 01:04:53,958
I'M NOT STRAPPING ONE OF
THOSE THINGS ON FOR ANYBODY."
847
01:05:02,399 --> 01:05:05,302
"I BOUGHT THE BEST ONE
THEY MAKE!
848
01:05:06,570 --> 01:05:08,672
"THE BROKEBACK 2000.
849
01:05:10,607 --> 01:05:15,479
TAKES TWO 'D' CELL BATTERIES.
IT'S GOT A CLITORAL STIMULATOR."
850
01:05:15,512 --> 01:05:20,350
I DON'T KNOW WHY I GOT THAT.
I FIGURE, FUCK IT,
IT'S BOUND TO HIT SOMETHING.
851
01:05:20,384 --> 01:05:24,688
MAYBE IT'LL FLICK
MY FRENULUM ON THE WAY IN.
FUCK, WHO KNOWS.
852
01:05:27,424 --> 01:05:30,594
MY WIFE GOT ONE OF
HER NIPPLES PIERCED.
853
01:05:30,627 --> 01:05:33,998
TODAY A LOT OF PEOPLE
ARE INTO THAT. I'M NOT.
854
01:05:34,031 --> 01:05:37,634
SHE JUST DID IT ANYWAY.
WHATEVER.
855
01:05:37,667 --> 01:05:41,305
I WAS TALKING TO A GIRL
THE OTHER DAY THAT HAD
HER TONGUE PIERCED TWICE...
856
01:05:41,338 --> 01:05:46,310
AND HAD A CHAIN RUNNING
BETWEEN THE TWO PIERCINGS.
857
01:05:46,343 --> 01:05:49,079
I DON'T GET IT.
I ASKED HER WHY SHE DID IT,
AND SHE SAID,
858
01:05:49,113 --> 01:05:51,348
"IT HELPS MY BOYFRIEND
ENJOY ORAL SEX."
859
01:05:51,381 --> 01:05:54,051
AND I'M LIKE,
"NO, IT DOESN'T.
860
01:05:55,652 --> 01:05:58,422
"TRY FLICKING HIS FRENULUM
WITH SOMETHING.
861
01:05:59,723 --> 01:06:03,127
GET A FEATHER DUSTER."
862
01:06:03,160 --> 01:06:05,629
BELLY BUTTON PIERCINGS,
NOW THAT'S FINE.
863
01:06:06,630 --> 01:06:08,665
GOTTA BE ON
THE RIGHT GIRL THOUGH.
864
01:06:08,698 --> 01:06:11,568
THAT TAN GIRL AT THE PARK
WITH THE LOW-SLUNG,
FADED JEANS,
865
01:06:11,601 --> 01:06:16,506
THE LITTLE PINK HALF-SHIRT
AND A LITTLE SILVER HOOP.
866
01:06:16,540 --> 01:06:18,575
SEXY.
867
01:06:19,809 --> 01:06:22,346
BUT...
868
01:06:22,379 --> 01:06:26,750
HAVE YOU SEEN THESE WOMEN
THAT PIERCE THEIR FAT ROLL?
869
01:06:26,783 --> 01:06:29,786
NOW I'M NOT BEING AN ASS.
I'VE GOT A HUGE GUT TOO.
870
01:06:29,819 --> 01:06:33,257
BUT YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE ME
AT THE MALL IN A TUBE TOP...
871
01:06:33,290 --> 01:06:36,360
WITH, LIKE, A HORSESHOE
POKING THROUGH THERE.
872
01:06:41,631 --> 01:06:43,633
I OWN A MIRROR.
873
01:06:52,476 --> 01:06:56,346
MY WIFE GOT ONE OF HER
NIPPLES PIERCED. DIDN'T ASK ME
ANYTHING ABOUT IT EITHER.
874
01:06:56,380 --> 01:07:00,484
I JUST CAME HOME FROM THE ROAD
ONE DAY AND SHE OPENED UP
HER ROBE AND THERE IT WAS.
875
01:07:00,517 --> 01:07:04,388
AND I WAS LIKE--
876
01:07:04,421 --> 01:07:06,523
SHE GOES, "WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DON'T YOU THINK IT LOOKS SEXY?"
877
01:07:06,556 --> 01:07:11,428
I SAID,
"IT LOOKS LIKE THE PLUG
IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S BATHTUB."
878
01:07:19,569 --> 01:07:23,607
YEAH, HERE'S A GOOD IDEA:
DON'T EVER FUCKIN' SAY THAT.
879
01:07:29,113 --> 01:07:32,482
MY FRIEND GOT HIS COCK PIERCED,
AND HE SAID WHEN HE TAKES
THE PIERCING OUT...
880
01:07:32,516 --> 01:07:34,718
AND GETS A BLOW JOB,
IT WHISTLES.
881
01:07:36,486 --> 01:07:38,622
THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY,
ISN'T IT?
882
01:07:54,471 --> 01:07:58,475
*
883
01:08:09,186 --> 01:08:11,488
*
884
01:08:11,521 --> 01:08:13,723
SHE WAS A GOOD SPORT.
885
01:08:14,858 --> 01:08:16,826
THAT WASN'T AN IMPRESSION
OF MY WIFE...
886
01:08:16,860 --> 01:08:19,763
OR THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN
A BIG SOUND
RIGHT THERE.
887
01:08:19,796 --> 01:08:24,368
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME
IN MY MOUTH!"
888
01:08:24,401 --> 01:08:26,836
"QUIT SUCKING SOONER.
889
01:08:28,372 --> 01:08:32,209
I CAN'T BE LEFT IN CHARGE
AT THIS POINT OF THE BLOW JOB."
890
01:08:36,380 --> 01:08:40,884
WE WERE WATCHING CNN
THE OTHER NIGHT AND, UH--
891
01:08:40,917 --> 01:08:43,453
YEAH, THEY WERE DOING
A STORY ON NASA...
892
01:08:43,487 --> 01:08:48,525
ABOUT THAT ASTRONAUT LADY
THAT WENT BAT-SHIT CRAZY AND
TRIED TO KILL THAT OTHER CHICK.
893
01:08:48,558 --> 01:08:52,396
I WISH I COULD WRITE SHIT
THAT FUCKIN' FUNNY, MAN.
894
01:08:52,429 --> 01:08:54,531
AND IT WASN'T JUST ABOUT THAT,
BUT ABOUT NASA...
895
01:08:54,564 --> 01:08:57,401
AND HOW THEY'RE JUST
NOT AS THOROUGH AS YOU THINK
NASA WOULD BE.
896
01:08:57,434 --> 01:09:00,670
HOW THEY'RE ALWAYS BACKING UP,
COVERING THEIR TRACKS,
WHICH, OF COURSE, THEY ARE.
897
01:09:00,704 --> 01:09:03,807
AND I GUESS BECAUSE
SO MANY WOMEN ARE GOING
INTO OUTER SPACE,
898
01:09:03,840 --> 01:09:08,212
THEY'VE JUST ALLOTTED
$10 MILLION FOR A STUDY...
899
01:09:08,245 --> 01:09:11,481
TO SEE IF THERE ANY DANGERS IN
A WOMAN SUFFERING FROM P.M.S....
900
01:09:11,515 --> 01:09:15,419
TO HAVE HER MENSTRUAL CYCLE
IN ZERO GRAVITY.
901
01:09:16,820 --> 01:09:21,358
I'M LIKE, "HELL YEAH,
THERE ARE DANGERS.
902
01:09:21,391 --> 01:09:26,630
IN A WEIGHTLESS ENVIRONMENT,
THE PSYCHO BITCHES CAN FLY."
903
01:09:30,667 --> 01:09:32,702
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING OUT.
904
01:09:32,736 --> 01:09:38,475
BLESS YOU. YOU GUYS
WERE SUPER FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
905
01:09:38,508 --> 01:09:41,711
*
75773
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