All language subtitles for Stand-up.Ron.White.Behavioral.Problems.2009---74x

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:10,411 * 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,199 [ AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING ] 5 00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:00,261 THANK YOU, SEATTLE. 6 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:07,801 THANK YOU AND WELCOME, AND THANK YOU FOR A DAY WITHOUT RAIN. 7 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,837 I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED. 8 00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:13,241 I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I JUST GOT SOME GREAT NEWS THAT I'M EXCITED ABOUT. 9 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:16,677 I JUST GOT A DEVELOPMENT DEAL PICKED UP. IT'S A NEW REALITY SHOW. 10 00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:20,748 IT'S AN EXTREME MAKEOVER SHOW FOR MIDDLE-AGE LESBIANS CALLED... 11 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,783 THIS OLD BULL DYKE. 12 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:31,659 WE ALREADY HAVE A SPONSOR. WOLVERINE STEEL-TOED BOOTS HAS PICKED IT UP. 13 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,795 WE HAD ANOTHER TITLE, BUT THE CENSORS NIXED IT. 14 00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:39,300 IT WAS ORIGINALLY GONNA BE CALLED PIMP MY MUFF. 15 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:43,904 I AM STAYIN' TONIGHT-- OR THIS WEEK AT THE HOTEL 1000, 16 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:48,742 AND WOULD LIKE TO TALK FOR JUST A SECOND ABOUT THEIR TOILETS. 17 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,645 THEY'VE GOT THE BEST TOILETS EVER, MAN. THEY'RE AMA- 18 00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:54,248 YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE THINGS. 19 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:58,619 NUMBER ONE, THE SEAT IS HEATED. NOW, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A LOT. 20 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:04,225 BUT IF YOU'RE USED TO A COLD TOILET SEAT, AND THEN YOU SIT ON A WARM TOILET SEAT, 21 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:07,461 IT'S NICE. 22 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:10,598 IT, LIKE, RELAXES YOUR BOWEL MUSCLES, AND KIND OF... 23 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,666 JUST HELPS YOU CRAP, YOU KNOW. 24 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,535 IT'S REALLY NICE. 25 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,904 AND THEN ON THE WALL, THERE'S SOME BUTTONS, 26 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:20,674 AND ONE OF THEM SAYS "REAR CLEANSING," AND ONE OF THEM SAYS "FRONT CLEANSING." 27 00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:23,344 AND THERE'S A DIAGRAM OF A GUY SITTIN' ON A TOILET... 28 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:27,648 WITH A STREAM OF WATER SHOOTIN' UP HIS ASS. 29 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,884 SO I PUSHED A BUTTON, 30 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:34,288 AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M THAT GUY. 31 00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:40,261 I AM. 32 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:45,366 I AM SITTIN' ON THE TOILET WITH A STREAM OF WATER SHOOTIN' UP MY ASS, 33 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,401 AND IT'S AMAZING... 34 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:52,540 HOW ACCURATE THIS THING IS. 35 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:56,744 I DON'T KNOW IF EVERYBODY'S BUTTHOLE IS IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE, 36 00:02:56,777 --> 00:03:00,648 BUT THIS THING HAS GOT ME DEAD CENTER. 37 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:06,654 THEN THERE'S ANOTHER BUTTON BELOW THAT BUTTON, AND IT SAYS "OSCILLATE." 38 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,823 AND I SAID, "WHY NOT?" 39 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:20,301 NOW I HAVE A ROTATING STREAM OF WATER SHOOTIN' UP MY ASS, 40 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:22,970 AND IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT THAT I REALIZED... 41 00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:27,975 THAT 50,000,000 GAY MEN CAN'T BE WRONG. 42 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,883 I'M SINGING SONGS TO THIS TOILET. I'M IN LOVE. 43 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:39,553 * I HONESTLY LOVE YOU 44 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:44,825 MY WIFE CAUGHT ME SPREADIN' CAKE ON MY ASS JUST SO I COULD GO WASH IT OFF. 45 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,664 "IS THAT CAKE?" 46 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,700 "NO. 47 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:56,970 "I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM. 48 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,006 DON'T WAIT UP." 49 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:04,044 I'M GONNA TRY TO TELL YOU THIS STORY. 50 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,314 THIS HAPPENED ON TUESDAY. 51 00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:10,050 I'M GOIN' HOME FROM THE PETSMART IN THE CAR WITH TWO DOGS AND A WIFE. 52 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:15,489 MY WIFE SAYS I GOTTA STOP AT THE BANK, AND I SAY "SHIT," OR WHATEVER I SAID. 53 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,958 UH, BECAUSE I DON'T GO IN THE BANK. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. 54 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:22,430 I STAY IN THE CAR WITH THE DOGS. SHE SAYS, "I'LL BE FIVE MINUTES." 55 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:27,335 BUT THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO SUCH THING AS FIVE MINUTES WITH THIS WOMAN. 56 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,373 AND SHE GOES IN, AND I KNOW THE DOGS NEED TO PEE. 57 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:35,709 AT OUR BANK, THERE'S ONE PIECE OF MANICURED LAWN... 58 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:38,812 THAT HAS TWO SIGNS THAT BOTH SAY... 59 00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,515 "NO DOGS." 60 00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:44,051 SO I TOOK MY DOGS OVER THERE. 61 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,657 THIS GUY COMES WADDLIN' OUT OF THE BANK WITH A BIG SCOWL ON HIS FACE, 62 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:54,362 AND HE GOES, "THE SIGN SAYS 'NO DOGS.'" 63 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,865 I SAID, "THE SIGN'S WRONG. 64 00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:05,439 THAT SIGN SHOULD SAY 'TWO DOGS.'" 65 00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:14,615 I SAW A COMMERCIAL THE OTHER DAY, AND I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE ORGANIZATION, 66 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,785 AND I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHO THEY THINK THEY'RE EVER GONNA HELP. 67 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,853 IT WAS FOR A COMPANY CALLED... 68 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:24,124 WWW.DON'TSHAKEABABY.COM. 69 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,428 NOW, I'M NOT GONNA GET UP HERE AND TAKE A BIG PRO-BABY-SHAKING STANCE, 70 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,830 SO YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND RELAX, SEATTLE. 71 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,401 BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HELP, 72 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:37,705 BECAUSE IF YOU'RE SUCH AN INBRED, METH-HEAD SHIT-HOOK... 73 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:41,575 THAT YOU WOULD CONSIDER SHAKIN' A BABY, 74 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:46,647 THE ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA HELP YOU IS A BEHEADING. 75 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,016 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 76 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,122 NOW, I KNOW THERE'S PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT GOING, 77 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:58,426 "BUT RON, RON, RON-- BUT RON! 78 00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:02,129 WHAT IF THE BABY'S ASKIN' FOR IT?" 79 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,432 DON'T SHAKE A BABY! 80 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:10,070 "WHAT IF I CAN'T FIND MY CAR KEYS AND I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE?" 81 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,144 YEAH, EVEN THEN. 82 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:23,851 I WENT ONTO WWW.DON'TSHAKEABABY.COM, 83 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,119 AND THEY HAVE LINKS TO SIMILAR WEB SITES. 84 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:31,058 THEY HAVE A LINK TO WWW.DON'T-STICK-YOUR-DICK- IN-A-TOASTER.COM, 85 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,126 AND... THEY HAVE A LINK... 86 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:38,466 TO WWW.DON'T-SHOVE-A-FERRET- IN-YOUR-ASS.COM. 87 00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:41,802 AND THERE'S A LOT OF REASONS WHY YOU DON'T WANT A FERRET IN YOUR ASS, 88 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:45,072 BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT LIKE GERBILS. 89 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:50,978 THEY'VE GOT FANGS AND CLAWS AND-- 90 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:55,816 A LOT OF SHIT YOU DON'T NEED IN YOUR ASS, MAN. 91 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,919 I GOT A FERRET IN MY ASS RIGHT NOW. 92 00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:02,923 I WAS AT THE HOTEL ON THE TOILET A WHILE AGO, AND HE POPPED HIS HEAD OUT OF MY BUTT, 93 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:06,760 STARTED WASHIN' HIS FACE IN THAT LITTLE OSCILLATIN' STREAM OF WATER. 94 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,869 "IS THAT CAKE?" 95 00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,909 "NO! 96 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,045 IT'S CERTAINLY NOT CAKE." 97 00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:29,550 I GOT IN A LITTLE TROUBLE. DID YOU GUYS HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THAT? 98 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:36,990 I'LL TELL YA WHAT HAPPENED. I HAD TWO SOLD-OUT SHOWS IN FORT PIERCE, FLORIDA. 99 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,026 WE WERE GONNA LAND IN VERO BEACH, FLORIDA. 100 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:43,931 I HAVE AN AIRPLANE THAT YOU GUYS, UH, BOUGHT ME. 101 00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:48,902 THANK YOU. 102 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:55,008 IT IS REALLY COOL. WE LAND IN VERO BEACH, 103 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:59,680 AND WHEN WE LAND I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND THERE'S THREE COPS STANDIN' THERE. 104 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:03,551 WHICH IS NO BIG DEAL TO ME, BECAUSE COPS LOVE ME AND SO DO FIREMEN. 105 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:07,621 A LOT OF TIMES I'LL GET A POLICE ESCORT FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE VENUE, 106 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:11,859 AND THIS, UH, WASN'T ONE OF THOSE TIMES. 107 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,899 I GOT OUT OF THE PLANE AND THERE WAS A COP THERE, AND HE SAID, 108 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:22,736 "MR. WHITE, WE'VE BEEN TOLD THAT THERE ARE DRUGS ON THIS PLANE BY AN ANONYMOUS TIP." 109 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:26,907 I SAID, "THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO DRUGS ON THAT PLANE." I DID HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF WEED IN MY BAG, 110 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:32,145 BUT I WASN'T ON THE PLANE, SO TECHNICALLY I'M NOT LYIN' TO THIS GUY, BUT-- 111 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,916 AND HE GOES, "WELL, DO YOU MIND IF WE SEARCH THE AIRCRAFT?" 112 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:39,286 I SAID, "YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT SEARCH THIS AIRCRAFT UNLESS YOU HAVE PROBABLE CAUSE, 113 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:42,289 BECAUSE I STILL HAVE CIVIL LIBERTIES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" 114 00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:45,325 I DO. 115 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,929 THEY SAID, "OKAY, WELL, WE JUST WANT THE DRUG DOG TO WALK BY IT A COUPLE TIMES. 116 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:52,232 I SAID, "FINE," AND THE DRUG DOG WALKS BY A COUPLE TIMES. 117 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:56,670 GUY GOES, "WELL, THE DOG GAVE US THE SIGNAL THAT THERE ARE DRUGS ON THE PLANE." 118 00:08:56,704 --> 00:09:01,775 I'M LIKE, "NO, HE DIDN'T. THAT DOG DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I WAS STARIN' STRAIGHT AT HIM. 119 00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:05,679 "HE DIDN'T WINK, BLINK, WOOF OR PAW. 120 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,616 "WHAT'S HIS SIGNAL, A BLANK STARE? 121 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,655 THAT'S ALL HE DID." 122 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,757 HE GOES, "THE DOG SAYS THERE'S DRUGS ON THE PLANE." 123 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:21,862 "I SAID THERE WASN'T DRUGS ON THE PLANE. WHO ARE YOU GONNA BELIEVE? ME OR THE-- 124 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,664 FUCK, NEVER MIND, YOU KNOW?" 125 00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:32,305 NOW, I'VE GOT A SHOW TO GO TO. THEY SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF GOIN' THROUGH THIS PLANE. 126 00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:36,276 AN HOUR AND A HALF, AND I'M JUST SITTIN' THERE GOIN', "OH, COME ON." 127 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,212 AND THEY GET FINISHED. OF COURSE, THERE IS NO DRUGS ON THE PLANE. 128 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:44,017 I KNEW THERE WASN'T. I ASSUME NOW THEY'RE GONNA LET ME GO, AND I'LL GO DO MY SHOW. 129 00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,687 I WAS LIKE, "WELL, THAT'S FINE. YOU KNOW, WHATEVER." 130 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:50,791 THEN THEY GO, "WELL, NOW THE DOG NEEDS TO SNIFF THAT BAG ON YOUR SHOULDER." 131 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,093 I WAS LIKE-- 132 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:05,839 THEY FOUND SEVEN-EIGHTHS OF A GRAM OF MARIJUANA... 133 00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,908 IN MY BAG. 134 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,811 NOW, WHEN I HAVE SEVEN-EIGHTHS OF A GRAM OF MARIJUANA, 135 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:14,848 I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE... OUT OF MARIJUANA. 136 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,918 THAT IS NO WEED. 137 00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:24,892 AND IT'S MEDICAL MARIJUANA. IT WAS PRESCRIBED TO ME BY A DOCTOR IN CALIFORNIA WHERE I LIVE. 138 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,960 I TOLD THE COP THAT. 139 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:30,664 HE SAID, "WHAT DID YOU TELL THE DOCTOR TO GET A PRESCRIPTION FOR MARIJUANA?" 140 00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:34,434 I SAID, "THE DOCTOR SAID, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS THAT MARIJUANA HELPS ALLEVIATE?' 141 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:38,638 I SAID, 'WELL, I GET BUMMED WHEN I RUN OUT OF WEED.'" 142 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,343 MARIJUANA CURES THAT. 143 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,415 THEY HANDCUFFED ME... 144 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:52,319 AND PUT ME IN THE BACK OF A COP CAR AND TOOK ME TO JAIL. 145 00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:56,356 NOW, I'M NOT WHININ' ABOUT THAT. I BROKE THE LAW. THAT'S FINE. BUT FUCK, THIS IS FLORIDA. 146 00:10:56,389 --> 00:11:00,994 THESE COPS DROVE BY THREE METH LABS AND A DEAD HOOKER JUST TO GET THERE. 147 00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:08,235 THEY PROCESSED ME THROUGH COUNTY JAIL. FOR WHATEVER REASON, I HAD A BUNCH OF CASH ON ME. 148 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:12,039 I'D BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR A WHILE. NOW THEY GOTTA COUNT IT IN FRONT OF ME. 149 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:15,342 THIS GUY COMES OVER AND GOES-- "I'M GONNA HAVE TO COUNT THAT MONEY. 150 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:19,046 YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WATCH." I'M LIKE, "FUCK. NOT YOU." 151 00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,750 THIS MONEY'S IN BANDED $5,000 STACKS. 152 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:26,887 HE PICKS ONE OF 'EM UP AND HE GOES, "ONE MISSISSIPPI"-- 153 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:30,223 HE DIDN'T REALLY SAY "MISSISSIPPI," BUT HE FUCKING COULD HAVE. 154 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:33,493 "TWO MISSISSIPPI." I GO, "YOU CAN'T DO IT THAT WAY. IT'LL TAKE FOREVER. 155 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,329 "JUST TAKE THE BAND OFF AND START COUNTING ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE. 156 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,399 WHEN YOU GET TO 50, THAT'S 5,000. THEN JUST START THE NEXT STACK." 157 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,769 HE GOES, "THAT'S A GOOD IDEA." 158 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,006 THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. 159 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,876 SO HE COUNTS THE SECOND STACK, AND HE GOES, "HEY, BUDDY, WAIT A MINUTE. 160 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:52,312 THERE'S ONLY 42 IN THIS ONE." I SAID, "OH, THAT'S OKAY. 161 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:56,449 "JUST GET EIGHT MORE OUT OF THIS ONE, PUT IT IN THIS ONE. NOW YOU HAVE TWO STACKS OF 50. 162 00:11:56,483 --> 00:12:00,420 THAT'S $10,000." I'M TEACHIN' THIS MOTHERFUCKER HOW TO COUNT! 163 00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:07,427 I WAS IN JAIL FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. I DON'T KNOW HOW WORD GETS OUT SO FAST, 164 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,798 BUT WHEN I WALK OUT OF THE JAIL THERE'S A BIG TRUCKLOAD OF KIDS, 165 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:13,466 AND THEY HAVE THESE SIGNS THAT SAY "FREE TATER." 166 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,343 I'VE HAD THE WEIRDEST THINGS HAPPEN LATELY. 167 00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:26,513 I HAD TO FLY FROM LAX TO ATLANTA... 168 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:31,484 TO SEE SOME LAWYERS AND A DENTIST, THE COMBINATION PLATTER OF WONDERFUL DAYS. 169 00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:34,988 MY PLANE WAS BROKEN, AND WHEN MY PLANE'S BROKEN, MY FRIENDS DO NOT GIVE A SHIT. 170 00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:38,025 THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, POOR BABY. 171 00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:40,828 "IS YOUR PLANE BROKEN? 172 00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:45,232 YOU HAVE TO TAKE A COMMERCIAL FLIGHT LIKE EVERY-FUCKIN'-BODY ELSE." 173 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:50,370 BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT USED TO BE. EITHER THAT OR I'M LOSIN' TOUCH, YOU KNOW, 174 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,540 BECAUSE I'M STANDIN' IN LINE, I GOT A FIRST-CLASS TICKET, 175 00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:56,877 AND I GET UP TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, AND THERE ISN'T ANYBODY THERE. 176 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,446 IT'S JUST A KIOSK WITH A COMPUTER TERMINAL. 177 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:02,049 I'M NOT GOOD AT COMPUTERS, AND I DON'T WANNA TOUCH THIS THING... 178 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,117 BECAUSE IT'S GOT GREASE AND DIRT... 179 00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:08,188 AND WHAT I CAN ONLY PRAY TO JESUS IS MERENGUE. 180 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:18,298 BUT IT WORKS PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW. 181 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:22,569 I SWIPED MY CARD THROUGH THERE AND UP POPS A DIAGRAM OF THE AIRCRAFT. 182 00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,905 AND IT SHOWS ALL THE SEATS ON THE PLANE, 183 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:28,608 AND IT SHOWS WHICH ONES ARE OCCUPIED SO YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR OWN SEAT. 184 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:32,145 THAT IS ALMOST A GREAT IDEA. 185 00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:38,618 WHAT WOULD MAKE THAT A GREAT IDEA IS IF THERE WAS A PHOTOGRAPH... 186 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,989 OF THE PERSON SITTIN' IN THAT CHAIR. 187 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:50,230 AND ABOUT A FIVE-MINUTE BIO CLIP TELLIN' YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT 'EM, 188 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:54,234 AND WHAT THEIR BREATH SMELLS LIKE. 189 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,904 RIGHT? 'CAUSE I PICK MY SEAT, AND I'M IN FIRST CLASS, 190 00:13:56,937 --> 00:14:00,040 SO AS SOON AS I WALK INTO THE CABIN I CAN SEE MY CHAIR, 191 00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:03,310 AND SITTIN' RIGHT NEXT TO ME IS A BIG, FAT FUCK. 192 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:07,981 NOW-- NOW, I KNOW I'M HEAVY, BUT I'M NOT A BIG, FAT FUCK. 193 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:11,184 THIS GUY WAS A BIG, FAT FUCK, 194 00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:14,254 AND PART OF HIM IS IN MY CHAIR. 195 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:21,929 AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S PART OF HIM I CAN SIT ON. 196 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,636 HEY, I'VE GOT A LITTLE TIP FOR THE MORBIDLY OBESE, 197 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:32,505 AND I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND CRUEL, 198 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:37,177 BUT ONCE YOU GET TO 550 POUNDS, 199 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,379 STAY HOME AND GO FOR THE RECORD. 200 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,952 I'LL SPONSOR YOU. 201 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,956 WRITE "TATERSALAD.COM" ON YOUR GUT, 202 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:51,191 AND... I'LL SEND PEACHES OVER THERE. 203 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,160 PEACHES? 204 00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:56,596 WHY WOULDN'T I SEND PIZZAS? 205 00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,267 I'LL SEND PEACHES AND A SALAD. 206 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:05,072 "BUT WHERE WOULD BE THE COMEDY, MR. WHITE?" 207 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:08,641 OH, SO YOU'RE ALL HUNG UP ABOUT THAT, HUH? 208 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:21,454 OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA TRY TO DO THAT LINE RIGHT JUST IN CASE WE DECIDE TO DO IT THAT WAY. 209 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,224 I'LL SEND PIZZAS OVER THERE! 210 00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:35,035 "OH, THAT IS FUNNY! HE SAID PIZZAS. 211 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:39,172 OH, MR. WHITE. BOY, HE'S RICH TONIGHT." 212 00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:46,313 I GET TO ATLANTA, AND I CHECK INTO THE RITZ-CARLTON HOTEL. 213 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:50,583 THE NEXT MORNING I GO TO TAKE A SHOWER, AND THERE'S NO HOT WATER. 214 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:55,055 I CALL THE FRONT DESK AND I TELL THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK, I SAID, "THERE'S NO HOT WATER." 215 00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:59,726 THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK SAID, "SOMETIMES THERE'S NO HOT WATER." 216 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,034 "DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU THAT?" 217 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,337 I SAID, "I'VE STAYED IN $20-A-NIGHT MOTELS. 218 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,640 THE WATER WAS SO HOT YOU COULD COOK YOUR NUTS WITH IT." 219 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:19,412 SHE SAID, "WELL, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, EVERYBODY'LL WAKE UP AT THE SAME TIME, 220 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,648 "AND THEY ALL TAKE A SHOWER AT THE SAME TIME, 221 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:24,684 AND WE JUST RUN SMACK OUTTA HOT WATER." 222 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,255 "YOU GUYS DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT? 223 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,659 "THEY THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT THE MOTEL 6. 224 00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:38,198 "BUT THAT WHOLE CONCEPT OF PEOPLE WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH SHIT TO DO... 225 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:41,401 GOT RIGHT BY THE RITZ-CARLTON HOTEL." 226 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:53,313 SO I TAKE A NICE, COLD SHOWER. THEN I GOTTA GO MEET WITH THESE LAWYERS. 227 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,583 NOW-- AND I HATE LAWYERS. I JUST CAN'T STAND 'EM, 228 00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:59,152 AND I HATE 'EM WORSE THAN YOU DO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH-- 229 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:02,655 HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A VIDEO OF THAT GUY SHOOTIN' HIS LAWYER? 230 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:06,093 AND HIS LAWYER'S TRYIN' TO HIDE BEHIND THAT LITTLE TREE, AND HE JUST KEEPS SHOOT-- 231 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:10,697 THAT'S THE FUNNIEST FUCKIN' THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY GODDAMN LIFE. 232 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,167 I'VE GOT THAT ON MY VIDEO IPOD, AND IF I JUST NEED A CHUCKLE... 233 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:17,304 SOMETIME DURING THE DAY, I JUST HIT THE PLAY BUTTON. 234 00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:20,207 PLAY. "POW, POW, POW, POW!" 235 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,577 PLAY. "POW, POW, POW!" 236 00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:28,581 PLAY. "POW"-- I DO THAT TILL I COME. 237 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:41,761 THEN I GOTTA GO TO THE DENTIST. YOU SEE HOW MY DAY'S SHAPIN' UP: COLD SHOWER, LAWYERS, DENTIST. 238 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:44,431 THE TRIFECTA OF FUCKED-UP DAYS. 239 00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:48,335 AND I COULDN'T EAT BECAUSE OF WHAT I HAD TO DO THERE. 240 00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:50,770 SO NOW IT'S 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON, AND I-- 241 00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:54,441 BEFORE I FINISH THIS STORY, I WILL ADMIT THAT I'M IN A FOUL MOOD. 242 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:58,511 MY MOUTH IS STARTIN' TO HURT AND I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY, 243 00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,813 AND I'M GONNA GO EAT LUNCH AT THIS PLACE CALLED THE CLUBHOUSE. 244 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,882 IT'S AT THE LENOX SQUARE MALL IN BUCKHEAD. 245 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,585 I USED TO EAT THERE ALL THE TIME. I LIVE IN BOTH CITIES. 246 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,688 AND I PULLED UP. NOW, ALL THIS OUT HERE USED TO BE JUST REGULAR PARKING. 247 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:13,393 BUT NOW THE WHOLE THING IS VALET PARKING, SO YOU CAN'T JUST PARK YOUR CAR AND GET SOME FOOD. 248 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:18,165 YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THIS LITTLE PRICK IN A LITTLE RED TRUCK TO WAKE UP. 249 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,867 BUT HE ISN'T GONNA WAKE UP, 'CAUSE HE'S GOT ON HEADPHONES AND MIRRORED SUNGLASSES. 250 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,170 HE'S LOOKIN' THE OTHER DIRECTION, 251 00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:25,638 WATCHIN' THESE TWO GIRLS WALK DOWN PEACHTREE BOULEVARD. 252 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,707 I COULD TELL BY THE WHOLE SCENARIO... 253 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:31,311 THAT THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE OUT OF HIS LINE OF SIGHT FOR 20 MINUTES. 254 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:35,382 THERE'S NOTHING GONNA GET IN THE WAY. SO I'M LIKE, "FUCK. DO YOUR JOB." 255 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:39,752 I DECIDE I'LL JUST PARK THE CAR MYSELF. THE ONLY SPACE I SAW WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TRUCK. 256 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:43,756 I'M GONNA PARK THE CAR MYSELF. ONCE HE SEES I'M GONNA PARK THE CAR MYSELF, 257 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,693 HE JUMPS OUT OF HIS TRUCK, AND HE GETS MILITANT. 258 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:50,897 HE JUMPS IN FRONT OF MY RANGE ROVER, AND HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON THE HOOD, 259 00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,367 AND HE GOES, "NOBODY PARKS THEIR OWN CAR IN THIS PARKING LOT! 260 00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,903 I PARK THE CARS IN THIS PARKING LOT!" 261 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:03,843 WELL, I ROLLED DOWN MY WINDOW, AND VERY POLITELY SAID, 262 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,679 "GET OUT OF MY FUCKIN' WAY!" 263 00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:15,488 HE GOES, "NOBODY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T PARK YOUR CAR IN THIS PARKING LOT." 264 00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:18,558 I SAID, "FUCK YOU." 265 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,261 HE GOES, "I'M CALLIN' THE POLICE. WHAT'S YOUR FIRST AND LAST NAME? 266 00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:25,565 I SAID, "IT'S FUCK YOU. IT'S F-U-C-K... 267 00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:28,568 "CAPITAL Y-O-U. 268 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,739 FUCK YOU. THAT'S MY NAME." 269 00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:37,410 HE GETS ON HIS RADIO... 270 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:45,485 AND CALLS THE DALAI LAMA OF ALL PARKING LOT ATTENDANTS... 271 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:49,522 WHO COMES SQUEALIN' UP IN HIS LITTLE RED TRUCK. 272 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:52,592 APPARENTLY, THEY GIVE 'EM TO 'EM. 273 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,262 HE HOPS OUT OF THE TRUCK LIKE HE'S GONNA DO SOMETHIN'. 274 00:19:55,262 --> 00:20:00,400 HE IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES ME, AND YOU SEE THIS BIG "OH, SHIT" WASH OVER HIS FACE. 275 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:03,703 HE LITERALLY SHOVES THIS KID OUT OF THE WAY, AND STARTS APOLOGIZIN'. 276 00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:07,374 HE SAID, "MR. WHITE, I AM SORRY. I SAID, "LISTEN, THIS KID'S NOT DOIN' HIS JOB. 277 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,710 HE'S AN INSOLENT LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT, AND HE NEEDS TO HAVE HIS ASS REAMED." 278 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:15,515 HE GOES, "MR. WHITE, HE'S GONNA HAVE HIS ASS REAMED BY ME AND MY BOSS AND MY BOSS'S BOSS." 279 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,585 I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I HAD NO IDEA THE CHAIN OF COMMAND 280 00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,288 WENT THAT DEEP IN THE PARKING LOT BUSINESS." 281 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,528 HE SAID, "MR. WHITE, LET US TAKE YOUR RANGE ROVER. 282 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:31,764 "WE'LL WASH IT FOR YOU, WE'LL FILL IT UP WITH GAS, WE'LL PARK IT, NO CHARGE." 283 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:35,402 I SAID, "DON'T PARK IT HERE. I DON'T WANT THIS LITTLE PRICK TO KEY IT." 284 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,472 HE SAID, "WE'LL PARK IT ON THE OTHER SIDE." I SAID, "FINE." 285 00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:43,476 SO I GO HAVE A NICE LUNCH AND TAKE MORE PAIN PILLS. 286 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,816 GET IN A LITTLE BETTER MOOD. 287 00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:53,420 I JUST HAD MY GUMS SCRAPED, YOU KNOW. 288 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:56,489 SO I WALK OUTSIDE, AND MY RANGE ROVER IS SHINING LIKE A NEW PENNY. 289 00:20:56,523 --> 00:21:01,494 I HOP IN AND I FIRE IT UP, AND IT'S FULL OF GAS, AND... 290 00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:03,863 I COULD'VE LEFT. 291 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:13,706 BUT INSTEAD I DROVE BACK OVER THERE WHERE THAT KID WAS. 292 00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,376 I ROLLED DOWN MY WINDOW, AND HE ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW, 293 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:19,479 AND I WENT, "HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YA? PRETTY GOOD?" 294 00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:33,025 AND HERE'S THE MORAL OF THAT STORY: DON'T FUCK WITH ME WHEN I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKIN'. 295 00:21:39,399 --> 00:21:43,603 PULITZER-PRIZE WINNING AUTHOR NORMAN MAILER DIED LAST YEAR AT THE AGE OF 84 YEARS OLD. 296 00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:48,541 FOR THE LAST 60 YEARS OF THIS MAN'S LIFE HE DRANK TO EXCESS EVERY DAY. 297 00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:51,077 HE WAS MARRIED SIX TIMES, HE SMOKED POT, 298 00:21:51,110 --> 00:21:54,881 HE STABBED HIS SECOND WIFE, AND I'VE NEVER READ ONE OF HIS BOOKS. 299 00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:57,917 BUT I GOTTA TELL YA. I'M A HUGE FAN. 300 00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:06,526 WE'VE HAD A BLAST SINCE WE'VE BEEN HERE, MAN. I TELL YA. 301 00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:08,761 WE WENT OUT LAST NIGHT. I GOT SO DRUNK. 302 00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:13,766 I WOKE UP THIS MORNING, AND SOMEBODY HAD SHIT MY PANTS. 303 00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:27,980 I DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS, 304 00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:33,420 BUT I KNOW HE EATS CORN. 305 00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,793 AND CAKE. 306 00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:47,133 CORN CAKES I THINK IS WHAT HE WAS EATING. 307 00:22:48,901 --> 00:22:54,707 I JUST GOT BACK FROM EUROPE. I TOOK MY SON TATER TOT... 308 00:22:54,741 --> 00:22:56,709 TO EUROPE. 309 00:22:56,743 --> 00:23:00,513 WE WERE IN SPAIN DURING THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS, BUT WE DIDN'T GO TO THE EVENT, 310 00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:02,982 BECAUSE WE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY YOU WOULD. 311 00:23:04,817 --> 00:23:08,621 THE PEOPLE THAT WE KNOW THAT LIVE THERE WERE PITCHIN' THIS REALLY HARD. 312 00:23:08,655 --> 00:23:12,091 THEY SAID THAT THIS EVENT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR OVER 500 YEARS. 313 00:23:12,124 --> 00:23:15,161 AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT" THEY EXPLAINED IT TO US. 314 00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:19,799 APPARENTLY, 540 YEARS AGO A BUNCH OF GAY SAILORS IN WHITE SUITS WITH RED SCARVES... 315 00:23:19,832 --> 00:23:22,101 GOT ALL FUCKED UP AND TURNED LOOSE THE CATTLE AND TRIED-- 316 00:23:22,134 --> 00:23:24,070 I'M PARAPHRASING. 317 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,877 THEY GOT ALL FUCKED UP, TRIED TO GET OUT OF THE WAY AND COULDN'T. 318 00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:33,012 IT ENDED UP THE TOWN WAS SUCH A BORE-HOLE... 319 00:23:33,045 --> 00:23:37,016 THAT COMPARED TO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT WAS GOIN' ON THERE THIS SEEMED LIKE FUN, 320 00:23:37,049 --> 00:23:40,553 AND THEY KEPT DOIN' IT FOR 540 YEARS. 321 00:23:40,587 --> 00:23:42,922 I'M LIKE, "I STILL DON'T WANT TO GO." 322 00:23:45,825 --> 00:23:49,028 THIS YEAR TWO PEOPLE DIED, AND THEY SAID IT WAS A HUGE TRAGEDY. 323 00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:52,899 BUT I THINK BEFORE YOU CALL SOMETHING A "HUGE TRAGEDY," 324 00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:58,905 I THINK YOU NEED TO FIRST DETERMINE EXACTLY WHICH TWO PEOPLE DIED. 325 00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:02,074 MAYBE IT WAS TWO PEOPLE WE DIDN'T NEED. 326 00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:06,913 THEY WEREN'T VERY BRIGHT. I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR SURE. 327 00:24:11,784 --> 00:24:13,853 THIS YEAR A BUNCH OF SPANIARDS STOOD UP AND SAID... 328 00:24:13,886 --> 00:24:16,823 THE EVENT SHOULD BE CANCELED FOREVER BECAUSE IT'S SO DANGEROUS. 329 00:24:16,856 --> 00:24:20,860 I'M LIKE, "IT TOOK YOU 540 FUCKIN' YEARS." 330 00:24:22,695 --> 00:24:25,865 FUCK THAT, MAN. HAVE TWO A WEEK. 331 00:24:25,898 --> 00:24:28,535 CHANGE THE NAME FROM "THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS"... 332 00:24:28,568 --> 00:24:30,803 TO "THE THINNING OF THE HERD." 333 00:24:36,909 --> 00:24:38,978 WE'LL HAVE THE FINAL EVENT AT TALLADEGA. 334 00:24:39,011 --> 00:24:41,781 CALL IT "THE DODGING OF THE NASCARS." 335 00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:45,184 "YOU READY? GO." [ IMITATES CAR REVVING, THUDDING ] 336 00:24:45,217 --> 00:24:47,987 THEY'RE QUICK, AREN'T THEY? 337 00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:51,558 "YOU MIGHT WANT TO TURN YOUR WIPERS ON, DALE." 338 00:24:59,899 --> 00:25:03,936 WE WERE IN LONDON FOR TWO DAYS. I WAS AFRAID I HADN'T ALLOTTED ENOUGH TIME TO SEE LONDON, 339 00:25:03,970 --> 00:25:07,774 BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE CITIES, WITH SO MUCH TRADITION AND HISTORY. 340 00:25:07,807 --> 00:25:11,578 WE WERE GONNA GET A CABBIE TO TAKE US AROUND AND SHOW US THE SIGHTS, 341 00:25:11,611 --> 00:25:15,281 AND I THOUGHT I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE ALLOTTED MORE TIME. 342 00:25:15,314 --> 00:25:19,318 BUT IF YOU GET A CAB DRIVER IN LONDON THAT'S A SCOTTISH NATIONALIST, 343 00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:23,956 WHICH IS SOMEBODY WHO BELIEVES SCOTLAND AND ENGLAND SHOULD HAVE NO TIES WHATSOEVER-- 344 00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:28,027 THEY GO HOME EVERY NIGHT, WATCH BRAVEHEART AND BEAT OFF. 345 00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:30,963 "MEL GIBSON'S HITTIN' ANOTHER GUY!" 346 00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:37,670 IF YOU GET A SCOTTISH NATIONALIST FOR A CAB DRIVER IN LONDON, 347 00:25:37,704 --> 00:25:40,873 YOU CAN SEE THAT CITY IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES. 348 00:25:40,907 --> 00:25:43,610 "I WOULDN'T GO TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE IF THEY PAID ME. 349 00:25:43,610 --> 00:25:46,813 A CHANGING OF THE GUARDS IS FOR PUSSIES, IS WHAT IT IS." 350 00:25:51,884 --> 00:25:56,656 "WHAT? ARE WE GONNA SEE BIG BEN?" 351 00:25:56,689 --> 00:25:59,025 "I TOLD YOU TO LOOK THE LEFT. YOU LOOKED TO THE RIGHT. 352 00:25:59,058 --> 00:26:01,628 I'M GETTIN' PAID BY THE MILE, NOT THE MINUTE." 353 00:26:05,632 --> 00:26:07,634 "WHAT? 354 00:26:11,871 --> 00:26:15,642 WHATEVER, DUDE. WHAT'S THIS BUILDING?" 355 00:26:15,675 --> 00:26:18,978 "IT'S YOUR FUCKIN' HOTEL. GET OUT!" 356 00:26:19,011 --> 00:26:22,849 "HELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH THE OTHER DAY AND THREE QUARTERS? 357 00:26:22,882 --> 00:26:25,752 'CAUSE THE FOOD'S AWFUL." 358 00:26:25,785 --> 00:26:29,021 IT IS AWFUL TOO. THEY TOOK US TO A PLACE CALLED THE FOX AND THE HOUND, 359 00:26:29,055 --> 00:26:33,059 AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S WHAT WE WERE EATIN'. 360 00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:36,362 I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE THEY WERE SERVING THAT NIGHT, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS: 361 00:26:36,395 --> 00:26:39,666 IT NEEDED KETCHUP. 362 00:26:42,835 --> 00:26:45,772 AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY KETCHUP. 363 00:26:50,710 --> 00:26:54,080 I WANTED TO TAKE MY SON TO SEE ST. PAUL'S CATHEDRAL, 364 00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:56,348 THE SECOND-LARGEST CATHEDRAL IN THE WORLD, AND IT WAS CLOSED, 365 00:26:56,382 --> 00:26:59,686 BECAUSE THE NEXT DAY WAS THE QUEEN'S BIRTHDAY. 366 00:26:59,719 --> 00:27:02,421 LIKE, WELL, THIS IS A CHURCH. 367 00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:07,293 JESUS DOESN'T TAKE A DAY OFF BECAUSE THIS WOMAN AGED. 368 00:27:07,326 --> 00:27:11,698 WHAT IF THIS WERE THE DAY I WANTED TO GIVE MY LIFE TO CHRIST? 369 00:27:12,965 --> 00:27:14,967 IT WASN'T. 370 00:27:17,236 --> 00:27:20,006 BUT WHAT IF IT WOULD'VE BEEN? 371 00:27:20,039 --> 00:27:22,742 I'D HAVE BEEN SCREWED, THAT'S WHAT. 372 00:27:25,044 --> 00:27:29,448 I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'D EVER GET THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND FOR HER BIRTHDAY. 373 00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:32,785 THAT'S GOTTA BE A TOUGH OLD BROAD TO SHOP FOR, DOESN'T IT? 374 00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:38,057 I BOUGHT MY WIFE BREAST IMPLANTS FOR HER BIRTHDAY. 375 00:27:38,090 --> 00:27:40,459 I'VE NEVER BEEN A BIG FAN OF PLASTIC SURGERY, 376 00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:45,464 BUT I GOT TO ADMIT, I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN PLAYING WITH THESE THINGS. 377 00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:49,101 I HAVEN'T GIVEN 'EM TO HER YET. 378 00:27:54,506 --> 00:27:59,746 I JUST KEEP 'EM ON MY TOUR BUS AND JUST RUB 'EM IN MY FACE. 379 00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:05,217 I'M GLAD THEY CLEAN UP EASY. 380 00:28:09,355 --> 00:28:11,891 WHAT? 381 00:28:11,924 --> 00:28:16,495 I'M JUST GLAD THEY'RE NOT MADE OUT OF CORDUROY. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYIN'. 382 00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:19,832 I'D HAVE TO HAVE 'EM SCOTCHGARDED. 383 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,969 [ IMITATES SPRAY CAN DISPENSING ] 384 00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:31,243 I FIND IT A LITTLE IRONIC THAT THE PRODUCT THAT I USE... 385 00:28:31,277 --> 00:28:34,413 TO KEEP FROM RUINING MY SOFA SHOULD I SPILL MY DRINK ON IT... 386 00:28:34,446 --> 00:28:36,248 IS ACTUALLY CALLED... 387 00:28:37,449 --> 00:28:39,385 "SCOTCHGARD." 388 00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:49,962 SOMETIMES THINGS JUST WORK OUT PERFECT, DON'T THEY? 389 00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:53,966 "YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR A PRODUCT THAT'LL PROTECT MY SOFA SHOULD I SPILL MY SCOTCH ON IT. 390 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,002 WHAT DO YOU HAVE?" 391 00:28:58,838 --> 00:29:00,907 "WE'VE GOT SCOTCHGARD." 392 00:29:05,244 --> 00:29:07,980 "YEAH, LET'S GO WITH THAT. 393 00:29:10,983 --> 00:29:12,985 "DO YOU HAVE VODKAGARD? 394 00:29:14,854 --> 00:29:17,023 HOW ABOUT SPERMGARD?" 395 00:29:17,056 --> 00:29:20,292 IT'S A BUSY COUCH. 396 00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:31,403 I FOUND OUT WHEN I GOT BACK FROM EUROPE THAT I WAS BEING SUED BY A PAPER PLANT. 397 00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:32,872 THAT'S WHAT THE LAWYERS WERE FOR. 398 00:29:32,905 --> 00:29:36,843 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER DRIVEN BY A PAPER PLANT, BUT THE BY-PRODUCT... 399 00:29:36,876 --> 00:29:40,046 IN THE MANUFACTURE OF PAPER IN THIS COUNTRY IS A STENCH SO FOUL, 400 00:29:40,079 --> 00:29:42,314 IT WILL KNOCK YOU TO YOUR EVER-LOVIN' KNEES. 401 00:29:42,348 --> 00:29:45,251 CROWN PAPER IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, IS SUIN' ME... 402 00:29:45,284 --> 00:29:47,854 BECAUSE I SAID ON STAGE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, 403 00:29:47,854 --> 00:29:51,557 THAT CROWN PAPER WAS MAKING THE TOWN STINK. 404 00:29:54,226 --> 00:29:57,864 LIKE I LET SOME BIG CAT OUT OF THE BAG. 405 00:29:59,265 --> 00:30:02,969 "OH, WE DIDN'T KNOW IT STUNK TILL YOU BROUGHT IT UP, RON. 406 00:30:03,002 --> 00:30:07,473 "COME TO THINK OF IT, IT SMELLS LIKE A HARD-BOILED EGG FART IN THIS TOWN. 407 00:30:12,111 --> 00:30:14,881 IS THAT SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT, MR. WHITE?" 408 00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:22,021 THE REASON I BROUGHT IT UP-- I'M FROM HOUSTON. 409 00:30:22,054 --> 00:30:26,993 AND AS A CHILD I LIVED, LITERALLY, IN THE SHADOW OF THIS PAPER PLANT. 410 00:30:27,026 --> 00:30:31,597 AND AS A CHILD, I THOUGHT THE WHOLE WORLD SMELLED LIKE THAT. I DIDN'T KNOW. 411 00:30:31,630 --> 00:30:35,067 THE FIRST TIME MY FAMILY WENT ON VACATION TO ANOTHER CITY, I WAS AMAZED. 412 00:30:35,101 --> 00:30:38,170 I WAS LIKE "WHAT'S THAT DELICIOUS SMELL? 413 00:30:38,204 --> 00:30:41,573 OH, GOD! THAT SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN AND FLOWERS MIXED TOGETHER. WHAT IS IT?" 414 00:30:41,607 --> 00:30:43,609 "THAT'S A SEWER-TREATMENT FACILITY." 415 00:30:45,477 --> 00:30:48,114 "THAT'S FETID SHIT? 416 00:30:48,147 --> 00:30:53,119 "YOU SHOULD BOTTLE THAT, SEND IT TO HOUSTON. PEOPLE COULD RUB A LITTLE UNDER THEIR NOSE, 417 00:30:53,152 --> 00:30:57,990 WALK RIGHT BY THAT PAPER PLANT WITHOUT THROWIN' UP THEIR FUCKIN' LUNCH." 418 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:04,330 "AND WE FOUND A NEW USE FOR FETID SHIT. 419 00:31:04,363 --> 00:31:07,266 I THINK WE ALL WIN." 420 00:31:11,637 --> 00:31:14,941 ACTUALLY, THE REASON I BROUGHT IT UP-- I'M FROM HOUSTON. I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE. 421 00:31:14,974 --> 00:31:19,578 I WAS JUST BACK IN TOWN DOIN' SOME SHOWS. ONE MORNING I WAS READING THE HOUSTON CHRONICLE, 422 00:31:19,611 --> 00:31:22,949 AND THERE WAS AN ARTICLE IN THE PAPER ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR PAPER PLANT. 423 00:31:22,949 --> 00:31:26,152 IT SAID IN THE ARTICLE THAT, DEPENDING ON WHICH WAY THE WIND WAS BLOWING, 424 00:31:26,185 --> 00:31:29,388 THAT 2,000,000 PEOPLE COULD SMELL THE STENCH... 425 00:31:29,421 --> 00:31:32,224 PRODUCED BY THIS ONE PAPER PLANT AT A TIME. 426 00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:35,627 THAT IS A BIG ODOR. 427 00:31:37,663 --> 00:31:41,968 IF IT WAS MUSIC AND 2,000,000 PEOPLE COULD HEAR IT, 428 00:31:41,968 --> 00:31:44,603 THEY'D MAKE 'EM TURN IT THE FUCK OFF. 429 00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:56,582 BECAUSE IT'S A SMELL IT'S OKAY? NO, IT'S NOT OKAY. 430 00:31:56,615 --> 00:31:59,351 FIND A WAY TO MAKE PAPER THAT DOESN'T STINK. 431 00:31:59,385 --> 00:32:03,489 IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE TRYIN' TO MAKE CATFISH BAIT OUTTA CABBAGE, GODDAMN IT! 432 00:32:03,522 --> 00:32:07,426 YOU'RE MAKIN' PAPER OUTTA WOOD. PAPER DOESN'T STINK. WOOD DOESN'T STINK. 433 00:32:07,459 --> 00:32:10,529 YOU'RE DOIN' SOMETHIN' TO MAKE IT STINK. FUCKIN' QUIT! 434 00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:23,442 THAT'S ME DANCING ON MY SOAPBOX. 435 00:32:29,515 --> 00:32:32,084 I LOVE THIS COUNTRY. I CONSIDER MYSELF A PATRIOT. 436 00:32:32,118 --> 00:32:34,453 I MET MY FIRST WIFE DURING THE VIETNAM WAR. 437 00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:37,656 SHE WAS FROM THIS QUAINT LITTLE VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF PHNOM "PENHEN"-- 438 00:32:37,689 --> 00:32:41,727 PHNO-- PHNOM-- I CAN NEVER PRONOUNCE THAT WORD. 439 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:43,695 VANCOUVER. 440 00:32:50,536 --> 00:32:52,571 IT'S NOT TRUE. 441 00:32:52,604 --> 00:32:56,108 IT'S FUNNY, BUT IT ISN'T TRUE. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY. 442 00:32:56,142 --> 00:32:59,445 I DO WHAT I CAN TO SUPPORT OUR TROOPS NO MATTER WHAT THEY'VE BEEN ASKED TO DO. 443 00:32:59,478 --> 00:33:01,580 I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE IN ADVANCE WITH THE MISSION... 444 00:33:01,613 --> 00:33:05,117 TO SUPPORT THE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN WHO DO MY BIDDING. 445 00:33:09,355 --> 00:33:13,059 LAST YEAR I WENT ON A U.F.O. TOUR-- U.F.O.! U.F.-- 446 00:33:17,696 --> 00:33:20,266 THANK YOU. 447 00:33:23,502 --> 00:33:25,704 THAT'S GOOD, RON. 448 00:33:25,737 --> 00:33:28,574 I WENT ON A U.F.O. TOUR, WHICH... 449 00:33:28,607 --> 00:33:31,543 NOT A LOT OF COMEDIANS ARE ASKED TO DO. 450 00:33:33,079 --> 00:33:35,481 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE JOKES TRANSLATE SO-- 451 00:33:36,482 --> 00:33:38,484 SO POORLY... 452 00:33:40,152 --> 00:33:42,688 FROM ONE PLANET TO THE NEXT, YOU KNOW. 453 00:33:48,260 --> 00:33:50,296 THESE ARE LEGAL ALIENS. 454 00:33:54,333 --> 00:33:57,269 BUT ODDLY ENOUGH, THEY STILL SPEAK SPANISH. 455 00:34:02,841 --> 00:34:05,111 I WENT ON A U.S.O. TOUR, 456 00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:08,247 AND I'LL TELL YOU THE DIFFERENCE. 457 00:34:10,649 --> 00:34:12,584 EARTHLINGS. 458 00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,855 I WAS IN GERMANY FOR 10 DAYS DOIN' SHOWS FOR TROOPS... 459 00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:20,126 GOIN' INTO AND COMIN' OUT OF IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. 460 00:34:20,159 --> 00:34:24,230 THEY ASKED ME TO GO TO IRAQ, AND I WAS LIKE, "FUCK YOU. 461 00:34:24,263 --> 00:34:29,135 I'M NOT GOIN' TO THAT SHITHOLE. I'M 50 AND FAT. I'LL GET SHOT." 462 00:34:29,135 --> 00:34:33,272 I COULDN'T DODGE A GODDAMN DOUGHNUT IF YOU THREW IT AT ME. 463 00:34:39,345 --> 00:34:42,314 "WHAT'D YOU THROW A FUCKIN' DOUGHNUT AT ME FOR, MAN? 464 00:34:42,348 --> 00:34:44,350 YOU HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEART, DUDE." 465 00:34:44,383 --> 00:34:49,455 AND THEN WHEN WE FILMED BLUE COLLAR III, WE FILMED IT IN WASHINGTON, D.C. 466 00:34:49,488 --> 00:34:53,359 THE FINE FOLKS AT THE U.S.O. ASKED US TO SPEND THE DAY AT WALTER REED HOSPITAL. 467 00:34:53,392 --> 00:34:56,295 AND IF YOU GO TO WALTER REED HOSPITAL, YOU'LL SEE A BY-PRODUCT OF THIS WAR... 468 00:34:56,328 --> 00:34:59,465 NOBODY LIKES TO TALK ABOUT, BUT THEY SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY... 469 00:34:59,498 --> 00:35:02,501 BECAUSE THE SACRIFICE THESE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN HAVE MADE FOR THIS COUNTRY, 470 00:35:02,534 --> 00:35:05,304 THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK AND THEY SHOULD BE APPLAUDED AND SALUTED... 471 00:35:05,337 --> 00:35:09,208 AND GIVEN THE BEST MEDICAL CARE WE CAN GIVE 'EM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. 472 00:35:11,243 --> 00:35:13,212 AND THEY SHOULD NOT LIVE IN ABJECT POVERTY... 473 00:35:13,245 --> 00:35:17,183 BECAUSE THEY MADE A SACRIFICE TO THE GREATEST NATION ON THIS PLANET. 474 00:35:17,183 --> 00:35:22,388 AND IF WE FAIL THERE, WE FAIL EVERYWHERE WE CAN FAIL, FOLKS. 475 00:35:37,869 --> 00:35:40,906 TO THE TROOPS, GUYS. CHEERS. 476 00:35:47,413 --> 00:35:49,047 I'LL TELL YOU ONE U.S.O. STORY. 477 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:53,885 WE'RE GOING FROM ROOM TO ROOM VISITING THESE AMAZINGLY BRAVE AMERICANS AT WALTER REED. 478 00:35:53,919 --> 00:35:56,922 ME, JEFF FOXWORTHY, BILL ENGVALL, LARRY THE CABLE GUY. 479 00:35:56,955 --> 00:36:00,392 AND WE GO TO THIS KID'S ROOM AND THIS KID IS MANGLED. 480 00:36:00,426 --> 00:36:02,394 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'LL EVER DO FOR HIM. 481 00:36:02,428 --> 00:36:05,764 THE ONLY WAY HE COULD TALK WAS TO HOLD HIS FINGER OVER A HOLE IN HIS THROAT. 482 00:36:05,797 --> 00:36:10,236 HE'D BREATHE IN. HE WOULDN'T USE A LOT OF WORDS, BUT WHAT HE SAID WAS VERY POIGNANT, VERY FUNNY. 483 00:36:10,236 --> 00:36:12,238 I WAS JUST SITTING THERE ADMIRING HIM, GOING, 484 00:36:12,238 --> 00:36:14,606 "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS KID TO BE THIS BRAVE?" 485 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,444 AND I CARRY A MAN BAG. AND IN THE BAG ARE CIGARS AND CIGAR CUTTERS... 486 00:36:18,477 --> 00:36:23,315 AND LIGHTERS AND READING GLASSES AND SUNGLASSES AND TAMPAX AND-- 487 00:36:23,349 --> 00:36:27,253 MY WIFE'S TITTIES. AND ALL THE THINGS I NEED... 488 00:36:29,255 --> 00:36:31,457 TO MAKE IT THROUGH AN AFTERNOON. 489 00:36:34,993 --> 00:36:37,296 WE'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE THIS KID'S ROOM AND FOXWORTHY GOES, 490 00:36:37,329 --> 00:36:40,632 "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON TODAY THAT DIDN'T MAKE FUN OF RON'S PURSE." 491 00:36:40,666 --> 00:36:44,803 AND THIS KID GOES-- 492 00:36:48,274 --> 00:36:50,276 "PUSSY." 493 00:36:58,016 --> 00:37:02,521 THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER SEEN FOXWORTHY'S SNOT. 494 00:37:09,595 --> 00:37:11,663 "HE CALLED YOU A PUSSY, DUDE." 495 00:37:12,964 --> 00:37:14,900 OR HOWEVER HE TALKS. 496 00:37:19,971 --> 00:37:22,308 I LOVE THIS COUNTRY. I DON'T THINK THIS COUNTRY'S PERFECT. 497 00:37:22,341 --> 00:37:25,311 BUT I DON'T THINK ANY COUNTRY IS. I THINK THERE ARE WAYS I COULD HELP... 498 00:37:25,344 --> 00:37:27,979 IMPROVE THIS COUNTRY, BUT NOBODY IN WASHINGTON WILL LISTEN TO ME... 499 00:37:28,013 --> 00:37:30,516 BECAUSE OF MY BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS. 500 00:37:34,019 --> 00:37:36,755 THERE ARE THREE WAYS I THINK I COULD IMPROVE THIS COUNTRY. 501 00:37:36,788 --> 00:37:39,725 I COULD IMPROVE THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY. 502 00:37:39,758 --> 00:37:41,727 I COULD HELP FUND THE WAR IN IRAQ. 503 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:44,330 AND THERE'S AN IMMIGRATION PROBLEM. THEY WANNA BUILD A WALL... 504 00:37:44,330 --> 00:37:46,698 ALL THE WAY FROM THE GULF OF MEXICO TO THE SPECIFIC OCEAN. 505 00:37:46,732 --> 00:37:48,934 THE SPECIFIC-- 506 00:37:48,967 --> 00:37:53,972 TO A SPECIFIC OCEAN WHICH THEY'VE ALREADY CHOSEN. 507 00:37:59,878 --> 00:38:02,848 "OH, HE WAS SHARP THE NIGHT WE SAW HIM. 508 00:38:03,915 --> 00:38:07,486 "WENT ON A U.F.O. TOUR. 509 00:38:07,519 --> 00:38:12,090 "TOOK A TRIP ACROSS A SPECIFIC OCEAN... 510 00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:14,693 WHICH HE HAD ALREADY CHOSEN IN ADVANCE." 511 00:38:22,067 --> 00:38:23,869 FUCK. 512 00:38:27,939 --> 00:38:31,042 FOLKS, I BELIEVE IN MY HEART THAT THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY'S... 513 00:38:31,076 --> 00:38:33,812 COLOR-CODED HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM... 514 00:38:33,845 --> 00:38:38,850 MIGHT BE THE MOST USELESS THING EVER SHOVED DOWN THE THROATS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. 515 00:38:38,884 --> 00:38:42,854 IN ALL MY TRAVELS, I'VE YET TO MEET ONE PERSON... 516 00:38:42,888 --> 00:38:45,791 THAT KNOWS WHAT TO DO DIFFERENT IF THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS... 517 00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:48,394 IS YELLOW OR ORANGE, OR ORANGE OR YELLOW. 518 00:38:48,427 --> 00:38:51,630 NOTHING EVER HAPPENS ANYWAY. I HAVEN'T MET ONE PERSON THAT KNOWS 519 00:38:51,663 --> 00:38:55,534 THAT THERE ARE FIVE HEIGHTENED STATES OF AWARENESS IN THIS COUNTRY. 520 00:38:55,567 --> 00:38:58,470 DID YOU KNOW THAT, SIR? FUCK NO, YOU DIDN'T. 521 00:39:01,106 --> 00:39:03,108 OH, WELL. 522 00:39:04,443 --> 00:39:07,679 BLUE, GREEN, YELLOW, ORANGE AND RED. 523 00:39:07,713 --> 00:39:10,682 APPARENTLY, WHEN THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS IS BLUE, 524 00:39:10,716 --> 00:39:13,785 YOU DON'T EVEN NEED SUNSCREEN. 525 00:39:13,819 --> 00:39:16,822 YOU CAN JUST WALK OUTSIDE NAKED. 526 00:39:25,597 --> 00:39:29,701 I'M NOT SURE WHY THE SCOTTISH GUY SAID THAT. 527 00:39:33,672 --> 00:39:35,941 "YOU CAN'T EVEN BURN MY COCK!" 528 00:39:41,146 --> 00:39:44,082 THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM... 529 00:39:44,115 --> 00:39:46,084 IS THAT IT MAKES NO SENSE. 530 00:39:46,117 --> 00:39:50,889 THE SECOND BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAVE WITH IT IS THAT IT SCARES MY MOTHER. 531 00:39:52,924 --> 00:39:55,126 THANKS. 532 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,564 THE LAST TIME THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SWITCHED FROM YELLOW TO ORANGE, 533 00:39:58,597 --> 00:40:00,566 MY MOTHER CALLED ME. 534 00:40:00,599 --> 00:40:05,804 AND MY MOTHER IS VERY, UM, RURAL, 535 00:40:05,837 --> 00:40:07,906 AS AM I. 536 00:40:07,939 --> 00:40:09,908 MOTHER CALLED ME AND SHE GOES, 537 00:40:09,941 --> 00:40:14,045 "THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS JUST SWITCHED TO ORANGE." 538 00:40:14,079 --> 00:40:16,582 I SAID, "I KNOW, MOTHER. I WAS WATCHING TELEVISION." 539 00:40:16,615 --> 00:40:19,150 SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." 540 00:40:21,553 --> 00:40:26,592 I SAID, "MOTHER, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO. THEY DIDN'T PRINT A FLYER WITH THIS PROGRAM. 541 00:40:26,625 --> 00:40:29,495 "BUT SINCE WE WERE ATTACKED ON 9/11, MAMA, 542 00:40:29,528 --> 00:40:32,831 WE'VE ALL BEEN IN A GENERAL HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS." 543 00:40:32,864 --> 00:40:36,535 SHES GOES, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS." 544 00:40:38,737 --> 00:40:42,908 I SAID, "WELL, MOM, UH, 545 00:40:42,941 --> 00:40:47,546 "IF YOU'RE GETTING ON AN AIRPLANE AND THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU... 546 00:40:47,579 --> 00:40:52,551 "HAS SEVEN "H'S" IN THEIR NAME AND A BASKET OF FUCKING COBRAS, 547 00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:02,528 CHECK THEIR SHOES FOR FUSES." 548 00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:07,533 AND THAT'S NOT RACISM. THAT'S PROFILIN'. 549 00:41:08,834 --> 00:41:12,003 AND YA HAVE TO DO SOME PROFILING. 550 00:41:12,037 --> 00:41:17,643 YOU CAN'T FRISK 10 GRANDMOTHERS JUST SO YOU CAN PRETEND THAT GUY DOESN'T LOOK SUSPICIOUS. 551 00:41:17,676 --> 00:41:22,080 BULLSHIT. GO FRISK HIS ASS. IF HE GETS ALL PISSED OFF, GO, "SORRY." 552 00:41:23,549 --> 00:41:25,551 AND IF HE'S STILL PISSED OFF AFTER THAT, GO, 553 00:41:25,551 --> 00:41:28,987 "HEY, YOU WORE THE TURBAN TO THE FUCKING AIRPORT, BUDDY. 554 00:41:29,020 --> 00:41:32,190 "YOU KNOW. 555 00:41:32,223 --> 00:41:37,095 BUY A JOHN DEERE CAP FOR TRAVEL DAYS. FUCK, I DON'T KNOW." 556 00:41:45,070 --> 00:41:48,206 "BUY A JOHN DEERE TURBAN. DO THEY MAKE 'EM? 557 00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:51,209 I'M SORRY. WE'RE A LITTLE EDGY." 558 00:42:00,085 --> 00:42:02,287 IF I WERE IN CHARGE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, 559 00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:05,691 WE'D HAVE A HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY, THAT'S FOR SURE, 560 00:42:05,724 --> 00:42:07,693 BUT WE'D HAVE ONE THAT MADE SENSE... 561 00:42:07,726 --> 00:42:11,329 AND ONE THAT THE FINE CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY UNDERSTOOD. 562 00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:14,199 AND WE WOULD HAVE TWO HEIGHTENED STATES OF AWARENESS-- 563 00:42:14,232 --> 00:42:17,869 GO FIND A HELMET. 564 00:42:17,903 --> 00:42:20,238 PUT ON THE FUCKING HELMET. 565 00:42:27,012 --> 00:42:30,148 THAT WAY I'D KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO MY MOTHER WHEN SHE CALLS, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." 566 00:42:30,181 --> 00:42:33,719 "IT'S PUT ON A FUCKING HELMET DAY. 567 00:42:33,752 --> 00:42:35,887 "PUT ON A FUCKING HELMET, MOM. 568 00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:44,262 THAT STRAP GOES UNDER YOUR CHIN, MOTHER." 569 00:42:52,337 --> 00:42:56,775 WHEN MOTHER HAS HER HELMET ON, SHE FORGETS HER NECK WORKS. 570 00:43:04,315 --> 00:43:06,852 "JUST TURN YOUR HEAD, MOM. 571 00:43:12,257 --> 00:43:14,726 YOU'RE GETTING IT." 572 00:43:18,864 --> 00:43:22,668 WE FIND OURSELVES, FOLKS, IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR WE CAN'T AFFORD FINANCIALLY. 573 00:43:22,701 --> 00:43:25,036 I WON'T ADDRESS ANY OTHER ASPECTS OF THE WAR. 574 00:43:25,070 --> 00:43:29,240 BUT IT IS TIME TO REFIT THE BIGGEST ARMY THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN. 575 00:43:29,274 --> 00:43:33,178 AND HERE'S THE PROBLEM: WE'RE BROKE. 576 00:43:33,211 --> 00:43:37,148 WE AIN'T GOT NO MONEY. WE'RE STILL WRITING CHECKS LIKE YOU DO IN REAL LIFE, 577 00:43:37,182 --> 00:43:42,020 JUST PRAYING TO GOD SOMEBODY WILL CASH ONE OF THESE USELESS SON OF A BITCHES, YOU KNOW. 578 00:43:42,053 --> 00:43:46,124 WE'RE $17 TRILLION IN DEBT. WE STILL GOT A CHECKBOOK? REALLY? 579 00:43:54,733 --> 00:43:59,104 SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY EVENTUALLY IS GONNA TAKE THAT CHECKBOOK AWAY, DOESN'T IT? 580 00:43:59,137 --> 00:44:02,040 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? CHINA'S CASHING OUR CHECKS. 581 00:44:02,073 --> 00:44:05,043 AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD PLAN FOR THIS COUNTRY, MARK MY WORD. 582 00:44:05,076 --> 00:44:07,145 AND THEY CAN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FUND THIS WAR. 583 00:44:07,178 --> 00:44:11,182 AND I CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA THAT NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO. 584 00:44:11,216 --> 00:44:15,721 WELL, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECAUSE OF YOUR PROXIMITY TO THIS SPEAKER SYSTEM. 585 00:44:17,255 --> 00:44:19,457 I WAS JUST DOWN IN COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, 586 00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:22,994 AND JUST SOUTH OF COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, IS A HUGE AIR FORCE BASE... 587 00:44:23,028 --> 00:44:29,100 THAT TAKES UP 115,000 ACRES OF OCEANFRONT PROPERTY. 588 00:44:29,134 --> 00:44:33,972 THEY HAVE MILITARY HOUSING ON THE BEACH. 589 00:44:34,005 --> 00:44:36,975 MAJOR NELSON DIDN'T HAVE OCEANFRONT PROPERTY... 590 00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:41,146 AND HE WAS AN ASTRONAUT WITH A MOTHERFUCKING GENIE. 591 00:44:45,784 --> 00:44:50,088 IF YOU GOTTA HAVE OCEANFRONT, JOIN THE NAVY. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 592 00:44:50,121 --> 00:44:52,190 AND BACK THAT BASE UP 15 MILES... 593 00:44:52,223 --> 00:44:55,393 AND LET US SELL THIS ASSET TO HELP PAY FOR THIS WAR EFFORT. 594 00:44:55,426 --> 00:44:59,164 WE COULD SELL IT TO ISRAEL. THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF CASH. THEY NEED A PLACE TO STAY. 595 00:44:59,197 --> 00:45:01,867 THAT SHIT AIN'T WORKING OUT FOR THEM OVER THERE. 596 00:45:03,769 --> 00:45:08,807 AND IT'S THE ONLY PART OF FLORIDA THEY DON'T ALREADY OWN. 597 00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:13,411 AND WE TAKE THE MONEY WE MAKE FROM SELLING THE REST OF FLORIDA TO ISRAEL. 598 00:45:15,113 --> 00:45:18,784 WE BUY MEXICO, FIX IT UP AND FLIP IT. 599 00:45:26,491 --> 00:45:32,030 NOW, WE'LL HAVE TO SEND DOWN SOME PAINTERS AND LANDSCAPERS, 'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL UP HERE. 600 00:45:33,932 --> 00:45:37,402 AND WHEN THEY'RE GONE YOU'RE GONNA WONDER WHERE THE FUCK THEY WENT, 601 00:45:37,435 --> 00:45:40,906 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA WANT TO DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF. 602 00:45:40,939 --> 00:45:43,842 NOT IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE ME. 603 00:45:43,875 --> 00:45:47,813 WE SELL MEXICO TO A COUNTRY THAT CAN PUT A TON OF CASH DOWN, 604 00:45:47,813 --> 00:45:51,382 BUT YOU KNOW THEY CAN'T MAKE THE PAYMENTS, 605 00:45:51,416 --> 00:45:53,451 LIKE PERU. 606 00:45:53,484 --> 00:45:58,323 PERU HAS BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF U.S. DOLLARS-- THEY DO-- 607 00:45:58,356 --> 00:46:00,491 IN CASH IN BANKS ALL OVER PERU. 608 00:46:00,525 --> 00:46:04,162 IT'S OUR COCAINE MONEY THEY TRICKED US OUT OF. 609 00:46:05,230 --> 00:46:07,999 I MEAN, IT'S YOUR COCAINE MONEY THEY... 610 00:46:08,033 --> 00:46:10,101 TRICKED YOU OUT OF. 611 00:46:11,937 --> 00:46:15,573 WE GET ALL THAT MONEY BACK-- BILLIONS OF DOLLARS-- 612 00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:19,577 AND THEN WE FINANCE THE BALANCE OF MEXICO TO PERU. 613 00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:22,513 WE LET 'EM GET BEHIND ON THE PAYMENTS. 614 00:46:22,547 --> 00:46:27,919 WE REPOSSESS MEXICO. NOW WE HAVE MEXICO FREE AND CLEAR. 615 00:46:27,953 --> 00:46:30,388 NEW PAINT, NEW SHRUBS. 616 00:46:35,026 --> 00:46:38,997 AND WITH ALL THAT COCAINE MONEY, WE START BUYING COUNTRIES SOUTH OF MEXICO. 617 00:46:39,030 --> 00:46:43,201 WE BUY 'EM ALL. WE BUY BELIZE, HONDURAS, NICARAGUA, EL SALVADOR, COSTA RICA. 618 00:46:43,234 --> 00:46:44,903 AND EVERY TIME YOU BUY ONE OF THOSE COUNTRIES, 619 00:46:44,936 --> 00:46:50,308 THAT LONG-ASS WALL THIS COUNTRY NEEDS TO BUILD GETS A LITTLE FUCKIN' SHORTER, DOESN'T IT? 620 00:46:53,912 --> 00:46:58,116 UNTIL EVENTUALLY WE BUY BACK THE PANAMA CANAL, WHICH WE BUILT ANYWAY, 621 00:46:58,149 --> 00:47:01,352 STAND THERE AND GO, "SWIM THIS, BITCH." 622 00:47:08,626 --> 00:47:11,262 SO, I TOUR, THAT'S WHAT I DO. 623 00:47:11,296 --> 00:47:14,532 I GO FROM CITY TO CITY TO CITY TO CITY. 624 00:47:14,565 --> 00:47:16,935 I'VE DONE IT FOR 22 YEARS. I'VE ENJOYED EVERY SECOND OF IT. 625 00:47:16,968 --> 00:47:19,204 I LOVE TO DO THIS FUCKIN' JOB. 626 00:47:19,237 --> 00:47:24,009 I TOUR WITH MY WIFE. I LOVE TO TOUR WITH MY WIFE BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE. 627 00:47:24,042 --> 00:47:26,912 I LIKE TO HAVE SEX. I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN. 628 00:47:26,912 --> 00:47:30,949 I'VE BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES AND THAT HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN MY POLICY. 629 00:47:36,154 --> 00:47:41,092 BUT I'M 51 YEARS OLD. AND I SAID IF I GOT MARRIED AGAIN I'D QUIT THE RUNNING AROUND. 630 00:47:41,126 --> 00:47:45,130 AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I FIND A LOT OF COMFORT IN HAVING ONE SEX PARTNER... 631 00:47:45,163 --> 00:47:50,468 BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT I LIKE, AND I KNOW WHAT SHE WON'T DO. 632 00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:58,977 IT TURNS OUT THERE'S A LIST OF SHIT SHE WON'T DO. 633 00:48:00,445 --> 00:48:05,116 AND THE FIRST THING ON THE LIST IS "TALK ABOUT THE LIST." 634 00:48:07,685 --> 00:48:11,957 MY FAVORITE BY-PRODUCT OF MONOGAMY-- IT DIDN'T EVEN DAWN ON ME THIS WOULD BE THE CASE. 635 00:48:11,957 --> 00:48:16,227 WHEN I FIGURED THIS OUT, I FELT A HUGE WEIGHT JUST FLUTTER OFF MY SHOULDERS. 636 00:48:16,261 --> 00:48:19,697 A LOT OF YOU GUYS MIGHT NOT REALIZE THIS, SO THIS COULD BE A BIG NIGHT IN YOUR LIFE... 637 00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:23,168 BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO IMPART TO YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I'VE EVER LEARNED. 638 00:48:23,201 --> 00:48:26,972 SO, GUYS, I WANT YOU TO OPEN UP YOUR SENSES AND REALLY TAKE THIS IN. 639 00:48:26,972 --> 00:48:29,507 DON'T WASTE THIS MOMENT, 'CAUSE HERE IT COMES. 640 00:48:32,510 --> 00:48:34,479 READY? HERE IT COMES. 641 00:48:34,512 --> 00:48:38,416 GUYS, IF YOU ONLY FUCK YOUR WIFE, 642 00:48:38,449 --> 00:48:41,386 YOU CAN'T GET CAUGHT. 643 00:48:42,587 --> 00:48:45,523 FEEL IT? YOU FEEL IT? 644 00:48:47,492 --> 00:48:50,361 NOBODY GIVES A RAT'S ASS. 645 00:48:50,395 --> 00:48:53,464 NOBODY'S EVER GONNA KICK IN A BEDROOM DOOR-- "YOU MOTHERFUCKER! 646 00:48:53,498 --> 00:48:55,400 IS THAT YOUR OLD LADY?" 647 00:49:01,339 --> 00:49:05,210 I MAY BE EXAGGERATING THAT STROKE JUST A LITTLE BIT. 648 00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:14,485 BUT STILL, A FEROCIOUS PIECE OF ASS, 649 00:49:14,519 --> 00:49:18,389 ALTHOUGH EASILY WINDED. 650 00:49:18,423 --> 00:49:23,161 IF YOU DON'T MIND STOPPIN' AND STARTIN', I MIGHT BE THE BEST FUCK ON THE PLANET. 651 00:49:38,743 --> 00:49:42,147 THAT'S THE WAY I ROLL, LADIES. 652 00:49:48,053 --> 00:49:50,655 MY FAVORITE PLACE TO HAVE SEX IS ON MY TOUR BUS... 653 00:49:50,688 --> 00:49:53,691 BECAUSE IF I DON'T QUITE HAVE THE WIND TO GET HER THERE, 654 00:49:53,724 --> 00:49:57,228 I CAN JUST HOLLER AT THAT DRIVER, "PUMP THE BRAKES!" 655 00:49:58,463 --> 00:50:01,399 [ IMITATING BRAKES PUMPING ] 656 00:50:05,236 --> 00:50:07,438 "FASTER!" 657 00:50:07,472 --> 00:50:10,141 [ IMITATING BRAKES PUMPING RAPIDLY ] 658 00:50:14,479 --> 00:50:17,182 "THANKS, PAT! 659 00:50:17,215 --> 00:50:20,251 BOY, THAT PAT CAN FUCK, CAN'T HE?" 660 00:50:26,691 --> 00:50:29,494 ACTUALLY, YOU CAN GET CAUGHT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE. 661 00:50:29,527 --> 00:50:33,831 MY WIFE AND I WERE GOING AT IT ONE AFTERNOON AND THE HOUSEKEEPER WALKED IN, 662 00:50:33,864 --> 00:50:37,135 WHICH IS WAY BETTER THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND. 663 00:50:41,239 --> 00:50:45,310 IT HAPPENS THE OTHER WAY AROUND, YOU END UP SAYING THINGS LIKE, 664 00:50:45,343 --> 00:50:47,512 "I'LL PACK MY SHIT... 665 00:50:50,348 --> 00:50:53,151 AS SOON AS IT QUITS BURNING." 666 00:51:02,327 --> 00:51:05,130 WE HAVE A GREAT SEX LIFE, I THINK, YOU KNOW. 667 00:51:05,163 --> 00:51:09,434 IT'S NOT LIKE OUR FRIENDS. WE HAVE THESE FRIENDS THAT ARE YOUNGER THAN US. 668 00:51:09,467 --> 00:51:11,736 AND THEY HAVE TANTRIC SEX WHICH IS A YOGA THING... 669 00:51:11,769 --> 00:51:14,305 WHERE YOU CAN HAVE SEX FOR HOURS AND HOURS. 670 00:51:14,339 --> 00:51:17,175 AND, YEAH, WE DON'T-- WE DON'T DO THAT. 671 00:51:20,278 --> 00:51:24,182 WE DID INVENT A SEXUAL POSITION THAT I NAMED... 672 00:51:26,551 --> 00:51:28,786 "THE LAZY DOG." 673 00:51:31,656 --> 00:51:33,824 AND I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO DO THE LAZY DOG. 674 00:51:33,858 --> 00:51:37,828 WHAT YOU DO IS YOU GET IN BED THERE AND YOU GET IN THE DOGGY-STYLE POSITION, 675 00:51:37,862 --> 00:51:42,633 AND THEN BOTH OF YOU, AT THE SAME TIME-- AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART-- 676 00:51:42,667 --> 00:51:44,669 FALL OVER. 677 00:51:46,504 --> 00:51:49,474 NOW YOU'RE DOING THE LAZY DOG. 678 00:51:49,507 --> 00:51:53,844 I CAN STAY IN THAT POSITION ALL NIGHT LONG. 679 00:51:55,413 --> 00:51:57,648 OR UNTIL SHE COUGHS. 680 00:52:01,652 --> 00:52:05,190 ONCE SHE COUGHS ME OUT, I'M OUT FOR THE NIGHT. 681 00:52:05,223 --> 00:52:08,593 THERE'S NO MORE LAZY DOG THAT NIGHT. 682 00:52:09,727 --> 00:52:13,931 SHE SNEEZED ME OUT ONE TIME. 683 00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:19,337 AND MY OWN DICK HIT ONE OF MY OWN NUTS AND HURT IT. 684 00:52:19,370 --> 00:52:22,873 AND NOW I HAVE DIFFICULTY INTERPRETING HER SEXUAL NOISES. 685 00:52:22,907 --> 00:52:25,710 SHE'LL BE-- 686 00:52:25,743 --> 00:52:29,780 I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S ABOUT TO COME OR SNEEZE... 687 00:52:29,814 --> 00:52:33,484 WHICH MAKES ME A NERVOUS LOVER... 688 00:52:33,518 --> 00:52:38,223 WHICH CAUSES PREMATURE EJACULATION. 689 00:52:43,828 --> 00:52:46,631 NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT. 690 00:52:51,269 --> 00:52:53,304 AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THIS. 691 00:52:53,338 --> 00:52:55,873 IT WAS ACTUALLY RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON... 692 00:52:55,906 --> 00:53:01,779 IN HIS 1968 INAUGURAL ADDRESS WHO FIRST SAID, 693 00:53:01,812 --> 00:53:03,781 "SHAKE FOR ME, GIRL. 694 00:53:03,814 --> 00:53:06,517 I WANNA BE YOUR BACK-DOOR MAN." 695 00:53:09,454 --> 00:53:12,490 LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT WAS LED ZEPPELIN, BUT IT WASN'T. 696 00:53:13,658 --> 00:53:15,793 IT WAS RICHARD NIXON. 697 00:53:16,861 --> 00:53:18,963 I'M LIKE 80% SURE. 698 00:53:23,768 --> 00:53:26,571 I'M LIKE 70-- 70% SURE. 699 00:53:28,273 --> 00:53:30,341 FIFTY. 700 00:53:30,375 --> 00:53:32,677 YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS LED ZEPPELIN. 701 00:53:37,815 --> 00:53:40,718 YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEBODY CALLED ME TODAY? 702 00:53:40,751 --> 00:53:43,621 UM, UH-- A METROSEXUAL. 703 00:53:45,990 --> 00:53:49,727 IS THAT LIKE A LOCAL TERM OR SOMETHING? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. 704 00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:52,797 I'M SITTING THERE GETTING A PEDICURE, READING VOGUE-- 705 00:53:58,736 --> 00:54:02,039 MY WIFE GOT ME A CERTIFICATE TO GET A PEDICURE... 706 00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:05,510 BECAUSE SHE THINKS MY FEET ARE NASTY. 707 00:54:05,543 --> 00:54:08,379 AND I WENT DOWN THERE TO THIS POOR, OLD ASIAN WOMAN... 708 00:54:08,413 --> 00:54:13,551 WHO'S TRYING TO RESHAPE MY BIG TOE INTO, LIKE, A REGULAR-SIZED TOE. 709 00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,986 AND SHE'S GOT THIS CARROT-PEELER KIND OF A TOOL... 710 00:54:16,020 --> 00:54:20,658 THAT SHE'S USING TO SCRAPE AWAY YEARS OF NEGLECTED DEAD SKIN OFF THESE DOGS. 711 00:54:20,691 --> 00:54:25,029 AND SHE HAS A GENUINELY DISGUSTED LOOK ON HER FACE. 712 00:54:25,062 --> 00:54:29,600 SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE GOES-- 713 00:54:32,937 --> 00:54:36,341 NOW WHY I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE FUNNY, I CAN'T REMEMBER. 714 00:54:40,645 --> 00:54:42,880 MAYBE I DID IT WRONG. 715 00:54:44,081 --> 00:54:47,852 "PEDICURE NOT ONLY FOR YOU"-- 716 00:54:49,654 --> 00:54:51,656 NOPE. 717 00:54:55,059 --> 00:54:59,029 "PEDICURE NOT ONLY FOR YOU" NEED PUNCH LINE. 718 00:55:01,799 --> 00:55:04,369 MAKE A MENTAL NOTE. 719 00:55:05,603 --> 00:55:07,605 JOKE NOT FINISH. 720 00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:16,781 ADD PUNCH LINE. MAKE FUNNY FOR EVERYONE. 721 00:55:21,686 --> 00:55:26,824 MAMA'S THE ONE GOT ME DRINKIN' SCOTCH. MAMA LOVED TO DRINK. 722 00:55:26,857 --> 00:55:29,560 SHE LOVES HER SCOTCH, MAN. MAMA LOVES ALL THINGS SCOTCH. 723 00:55:29,594 --> 00:55:31,829 SHE LIKES HIGHLAND SCOTCH, LOWLAND SCOTCH, 724 00:55:31,862 --> 00:55:34,499 SINGLE-MALT SCOTCH, BLENDED SCOTCH. 725 00:55:34,532 --> 00:55:36,601 SHE LIKES THE FUCKIN' TAPE. 726 00:55:43,708 --> 00:55:46,644 AND THE 'GARD. 727 00:55:46,677 --> 00:55:49,079 AND THE HOP. 728 00:55:54,619 --> 00:55:56,454 AND THE BUTTER. 729 00:56:01,726 --> 00:56:04,061 MAKE A MENTAL NOTE. 730 00:56:04,094 --> 00:56:06,697 DO "TAPE" LAST. IS ONLY ONE FUNNY. 731 00:56:19,176 --> 00:56:21,479 I'LL TELL YOU A STORY THAT'S FUNNY. 732 00:56:21,512 --> 00:56:23,514 MY UNCLE CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE THE OTHER DAY. 733 00:56:23,548 --> 00:56:26,717 MY UNCLE USED TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST CONVENTION. 734 00:56:26,751 --> 00:56:30,455 HIS NAME IS DR. CHARLES POLLARD. HE'S A TRIPLE DOCTORATE. 735 00:56:30,455 --> 00:56:34,559 HE HAS DOCTORATES IN THEOLOGY, PSYCHOLOGY AND PHILOSOPHY. 736 00:56:34,592 --> 00:56:39,096 UM, ALTHOUGH, I THINK I STILL MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HE DOES. 737 00:56:41,499 --> 00:56:44,168 HE'S A GREAT MAN. AND HE CAME OVER AND I WAS MAKING MYSELF A DRINK, 738 00:56:44,201 --> 00:56:46,170 'CAUSE I NEVER PRETEND I DON'T DRINK. 739 00:56:46,203 --> 00:56:49,474 YOU MIGHT KNOW THAT ABOUT ME ALREADY. 740 00:56:49,507 --> 00:56:53,143 AND HE GOES, "SON, YOU ARE NEVER GONNA FIND THE ANSWERS TO YOUR PROBLEMS 741 00:56:53,177 --> 00:56:55,179 IN THE BOTTOM OF THAT BOTTLE." 742 00:56:55,212 --> 00:56:57,515 I SAID, "I KNOW. 743 00:56:57,548 --> 00:57:00,485 "THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA BUY ANOTHER ONE. 744 00:57:04,054 --> 00:57:08,759 "I KNEW THAT SON OF A BITCH WAS A DUD THE MINUTE I LAID EYES ON IT. 745 00:57:08,793 --> 00:57:12,029 "LOOK AT THAT NO-ANSWER PIECE OF SHIT. 746 00:57:12,062 --> 00:57:15,700 TAKE ME TO THE LIQUOR STORE. I'VE GOT SOME QUESTIONS." 747 00:57:21,171 --> 00:57:24,675 I DON'T REALLY GET ALONG AS WELL WITH MY WIFE AS I PRETEND. 748 00:57:24,709 --> 00:57:28,646 YOU EVER DO THIS? YOU EVER WANNA SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEBODY, AND THEN YOU DON'T SAY IT? 749 00:57:28,679 --> 00:57:31,849 AND THEN, LIKE, TWO MONTHS LATER IT JUST COMES SPEWING OUT... 750 00:57:31,882 --> 00:57:34,519 LIKE TOURETTE'S AND VOMIT. 751 00:57:34,519 --> 00:57:36,921 JUST-- BLAH! 752 00:57:40,891 --> 00:57:44,995 FIRST TIME I MET MY WIFE'S SISTER WAS AT HER MOTHER'S 75TH BIRTHDAY. 753 00:57:45,029 --> 00:57:48,165 THEY LIVE UP IN CONNECTICUT. WE TOOK THE PLANE UP. 754 00:57:48,198 --> 00:57:52,537 AND THEY'RE VERY WEALTHY. THERE'S A BIG PARTY OF 150 PEOPLE AT THIS HUGE HOUSE. 755 00:57:52,537 --> 00:57:56,741 WE'RE AT A ROUND TABLE OF ABOUT 15 PEOPLE DOWN FRONT. 756 00:57:56,774 --> 00:58:00,210 AND HER SISTER IS A PUBLISHED CHEF... 757 00:58:00,244 --> 00:58:04,014 AND SHE OWNS A RESTAURANT IN CONNECTICUT AND SHE OWNS A COOKING SCHOOL IN FRANCE. 758 00:58:04,048 --> 00:58:06,016 AND SHE'S MARRIED TO A GUY FROM FRANCE. 759 00:58:06,050 --> 00:58:10,020 AND SHE'S A SNOB, BUT THEY'RE ALL SNOBS, SO I FIGURE SHE'LL BE A SNOB PROBABLY. 760 00:58:10,054 --> 00:58:11,922 SHE'S A BIG OLD SNOB TOO. 761 00:58:11,956 --> 00:58:13,991 BIG, OLD, ROUND AND BIG, OLD GAL. 762 00:58:14,024 --> 00:58:17,595 BIG, OLD "TASTE OF EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN" KIND OF A SNOB. 763 00:58:17,628 --> 00:58:20,831 KIND OF A BIG, OLD, ROUND AND BIG, OLD GAL. 764 00:58:20,865 --> 00:58:23,601 BIG AND WHOOPA, WHOOPA. 765 00:58:23,634 --> 00:58:27,772 ALMOST A "STAY HOME AND GO FOR THE RECORD" KIND OF A SNOB. 766 00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:35,580 I WAS JUST MAKING CONVERSATION, AND I SAID, "I SHOULD COME TO CONNECTICUT AND DO SHOWS." 767 00:58:35,580 --> 00:58:37,948 AND SHE GOES, "I DON'T THINK ANYONE IN CONNECTICUT... 768 00:58:37,982 --> 00:58:41,586 IS GOING TO PAY MONEY TO HEAR HILLBILLY COMEDY." 769 00:58:45,022 --> 00:58:48,859 WELL, I WAS RAISED IN THE SOUTH AND I'M AT MY WIFE'S MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. 770 00:58:48,893 --> 00:58:52,963 AND I'M NOT GONNA RUIN THIS WOMAN'S DAY BECAUSE I CAN'T HOLD MY TONGUE. 771 00:58:52,997 --> 00:58:55,800 AND I DON'T SAY A WORD, WHICH I SHOULDN'T, AND I DON'T. 772 00:58:55,833 --> 00:58:59,136 A COUPLE MONTHS, I'M IN A RESTAURANT WITH MY WIFE, HAVING DINNER. 773 00:58:59,169 --> 00:59:01,606 AND SHE'S IN A FOUL, FOUL MOOD. 774 00:59:01,606 --> 00:59:06,210 AND SHE GOES, "THERE ARE SOME THINGS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY THAT I JUST CAN'T STAND." 775 00:59:06,243 --> 00:59:09,313 AND I GO, "YOUR SISTER'S A BIG, FAT CUNT!" 776 00:59:19,690 --> 00:59:21,659 LIKE TOURETTE'S AND VOMIT, MAN. 777 00:59:21,692 --> 00:59:24,695 "YOUR SISTER'S A BIG, FAT CUNT!" 778 00:59:25,796 --> 00:59:28,699 AND I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY HOW LOUD I SAID IT. 779 00:59:29,867 --> 00:59:31,902 BUT EVERY HEAD IN THE RESTAURANT GOES-- 780 00:59:36,206 --> 00:59:38,876 THEN THE WAITER BROUGHT THE BREAD. 781 00:59:40,144 --> 00:59:42,647 "FUCK, THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG MEAL. 782 00:59:43,981 --> 00:59:46,651 GOD, I WISH THAT WAS CAKE." 783 00:59:57,227 --> 01:00:00,931 MY WIFE AND I THINK DIFFERENT THINGS ARE FUNNY. 784 01:00:00,965 --> 01:00:03,267 THAT STORY BEING A PERFECT EXAMPLE. 785 01:00:07,437 --> 01:00:11,408 ACTUALLY, SHE DOESN'T THINK ANYTHING'S FUNNY. I DO. 786 01:00:11,441 --> 01:00:15,279 SHE THINKS COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE'S A SERIOUS MAGAZINE. 787 01:00:15,312 --> 01:00:19,183 AND I THINK IT'S THE FUNNIEST RAG ON THE PLANET. AND THAT'S AN IMPASSE. 788 01:00:19,216 --> 01:00:21,986 THE OTHER DAY THERE WAS A COPY OF COSMO SITTING ON THE TABLE, 789 01:00:22,019 --> 01:00:25,823 AND I WAS READING THE COVER STORIES ON THE FRONT OF IT AND I WAS JUST LAUGHIN'. 790 01:00:25,856 --> 01:00:28,292 AND SHE WALKS BY AND SHE GOES, "WHAT'S SO FUNNY?" 791 01:00:28,325 --> 01:00:30,360 LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG, YOU KNOW? 792 01:00:30,394 --> 01:00:33,263 I SAID, "I WAS JUST READING THE STORIES ON THE FRONT OF THIS MAGAZINE. 793 01:00:33,297 --> 01:00:36,166 I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUNNY. I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT FIT IN MY SHOW." 794 01:00:36,200 --> 01:00:39,804 AND SHE READS 'EM. SHE GOES, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY." 795 01:00:39,837 --> 01:00:41,906 HOW WOULD I KNOW? 796 01:00:45,810 --> 01:00:50,014 WHY WOULD I EVEN HAVE AN OPINION ON WHAT MIGHT BE FOUND HUMOROUS IN AMERICA TODAY? 797 01:00:51,381 --> 01:00:53,918 CERTAINLY NOT MY LINE OF WORK. 798 01:00:55,285 --> 01:00:57,955 I SELL SHRIMP OUT OF A VAN. 799 01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:05,162 "HIS SECRET PLEASURE ZONE." 800 01:01:08,465 --> 01:01:11,001 IT'S NOT A SECRET. 801 01:01:14,138 --> 01:01:17,775 LADIES, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR MAN'S SECRET PLEASURE ZONE IS, 802 01:01:17,808 --> 01:01:22,012 YOU NEED TO BE WEARING WOLVERINE STEEL-TOED BOOTS. 803 01:01:27,818 --> 01:01:32,189 "FORTY GIRLIE MOVES THAT DRIVE HIM CRAZY." 804 01:01:34,424 --> 01:01:37,294 TOUCH HIS PLEASURE ZONE. 805 01:01:37,327 --> 01:01:40,064 TOUCH IT 40 TIMES. 806 01:01:40,097 --> 01:01:43,768 AND HERE'S A CLUE. IT'S OUR DICK. 807 01:01:50,307 --> 01:01:53,077 I PICKED THIS MAGAZINE UP AND I START THUMBING THROUGH IT, 808 01:01:53,110 --> 01:01:57,047 AND I FOUND AN ARTICLE ON HOW TO GET YOUR MAN AROUSED. 809 01:01:57,081 --> 01:01:59,516 AND, UH, IT WAS FUNNY. 810 01:01:59,549 --> 01:02:03,520 IT WAS WRITTEN BY A DOCTOR, SO SOME OF YOU WILL LEARN A NEW WORD HERE. 811 01:02:03,553 --> 01:02:05,790 I KNOW I DID. 812 01:02:07,491 --> 01:02:11,428 IT SAID, "FLICK HIS FRENULUM." 813 01:02:11,461 --> 01:02:14,498 AND THEN IN PARENTHESIS, IT SAYS, "THE SMALL NODULE OF SKIN... 814 01:02:14,531 --> 01:02:17,434 "BENEATH THE HEAD OF THE PENIS... 815 01:02:17,467 --> 01:02:20,304 WITH THE FLAT PART OF YOUR TONGUE." 816 01:02:26,543 --> 01:02:28,979 IT DOESN'T MATTER... 817 01:02:35,152 --> 01:02:37,922 WHAT PART OF THE TONGUE... 818 01:02:37,955 --> 01:02:40,991 YOU FLICK HIS FRENULUM WITH. 819 01:02:41,025 --> 01:02:44,294 IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE HIS FRENULUM. 820 01:02:44,328 --> 01:02:46,296 PUT YOUR TONGUE ON HIS DICK... 821 01:02:46,330 --> 01:02:50,835 AND SEE IF THINGS DON'T JUST WORK OUT GREAT FOR THE TWO OF YOU. 822 01:02:54,939 --> 01:02:59,143 YOU CAN FLICK HIS FRENULUM WITH A NEWSPAPER... 823 01:03:00,210 --> 01:03:02,012 AND IT WOULD PROBABLY WORK. 824 01:03:08,986 --> 01:03:11,221 ONE OF THE REASONS I'M STILL MARRIED TO MY WIFE... 825 01:03:11,255 --> 01:03:14,925 IS SHE CAN FLICK MY FRENULUM WITH HER FUCKIN' TONSILS. 826 01:03:21,131 --> 01:03:26,036 AND THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKIN' FOR IN A FRENULUM FLICKIN'. 827 01:03:26,070 --> 01:03:29,406 I CALL HER MY FRIEND FLICKA. 828 01:03:29,439 --> 01:03:33,110 "GET OVER HERE, FLICKA. I GOT A SUGAR CUBE AND AN APPLE. 829 01:03:39,183 --> 01:03:42,119 YOU WANT 'EM BOTH, GIRL?" 830 01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:52,562 SHE'S A WEIRD BIRD, MAN. 831 01:03:53,964 --> 01:03:57,301 SHE CAN'T GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT UNLESS EVERY SINGLE THING... 832 01:03:57,334 --> 01:03:59,303 IN THIS GIGANTIC HOUSE... 833 01:03:59,336 --> 01:04:04,041 IS IN THE EXACT SPOT SHE MEANT FOR IT TO BE. 834 01:04:05,142 --> 01:04:08,378 NOW, BEFORE I MARRIED HER, SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS ANAL. 835 01:04:08,412 --> 01:04:11,248 AND I WAS LIKE, "GREAT." 836 01:04:13,951 --> 01:04:17,054 POW! BOOM, BOOM. 837 01:04:17,087 --> 01:04:19,056 POW! 838 01:04:19,089 --> 01:04:22,159 TURNS OUT THERE'S TWO KINDS OF ANAL. 839 01:04:24,194 --> 01:04:27,064 AND SHE'S THE WRONG ONE. 840 01:04:29,599 --> 01:04:31,969 I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO OBSESSED WITH MY WIFE... 841 01:04:32,002 --> 01:04:34,671 PARTICIPATING IN ANAL SEX, BUT SHE WON'T DO IT. 842 01:04:34,704 --> 01:04:37,074 I THOUGHT MAYBE ON OUR ANNIVERSARY SHE WOULD. 843 01:04:37,107 --> 01:04:41,311 WE'RE ON A REALLY NICE CRUISE AND I GET HER ALL SHINED UP ONE NIGHT. 844 01:04:43,313 --> 01:04:46,216 AND I'M JUST BEGGING HER, WHICH IS PATHETIC, YOU KNOW. 845 01:04:46,250 --> 01:04:50,220 SHE GOES, "RON, YOU NEED TO GET SOMETHING THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL. 846 01:04:50,254 --> 01:04:53,958 I'M NOT STRAPPING ONE OF THOSE THINGS ON FOR ANYBODY." 847 01:05:02,399 --> 01:05:05,302 "I BOUGHT THE BEST ONE THEY MAKE! 848 01:05:06,570 --> 01:05:08,672 "THE BROKEBACK 2000. 849 01:05:10,607 --> 01:05:15,479 TAKES TWO 'D' CELL BATTERIES. IT'S GOT A CLITORAL STIMULATOR." 850 01:05:15,512 --> 01:05:20,350 I DON'T KNOW WHY I GOT THAT. I FIGURE, FUCK IT, IT'S BOUND TO HIT SOMETHING. 851 01:05:20,384 --> 01:05:24,688 MAYBE IT'LL FLICK MY FRENULUM ON THE WAY IN. FUCK, WHO KNOWS. 852 01:05:27,424 --> 01:05:30,594 MY WIFE GOT ONE OF HER NIPPLES PIERCED. 853 01:05:30,627 --> 01:05:33,998 TODAY A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTO THAT. I'M NOT. 854 01:05:34,031 --> 01:05:37,634 SHE JUST DID IT ANYWAY. WHATEVER. 855 01:05:37,667 --> 01:05:41,305 I WAS TALKING TO A GIRL THE OTHER DAY THAT HAD HER TONGUE PIERCED TWICE... 856 01:05:41,338 --> 01:05:46,310 AND HAD A CHAIN RUNNING BETWEEN THE TWO PIERCINGS. 857 01:05:46,343 --> 01:05:49,079 I DON'T GET IT. I ASKED HER WHY SHE DID IT, AND SHE SAID, 858 01:05:49,113 --> 01:05:51,348 "IT HELPS MY BOYFRIEND ENJOY ORAL SEX." 859 01:05:51,381 --> 01:05:54,051 AND I'M LIKE, "NO, IT DOESN'T. 860 01:05:55,652 --> 01:05:58,422 "TRY FLICKING HIS FRENULUM WITH SOMETHING. 861 01:05:59,723 --> 01:06:03,127 GET A FEATHER DUSTER." 862 01:06:03,160 --> 01:06:05,629 BELLY BUTTON PIERCINGS, NOW THAT'S FINE. 863 01:06:06,630 --> 01:06:08,665 GOTTA BE ON THE RIGHT GIRL THOUGH. 864 01:06:08,698 --> 01:06:11,568 THAT TAN GIRL AT THE PARK WITH THE LOW-SLUNG, FADED JEANS, 865 01:06:11,601 --> 01:06:16,506 THE LITTLE PINK HALF-SHIRT AND A LITTLE SILVER HOOP. 866 01:06:16,540 --> 01:06:18,575 SEXY. 867 01:06:19,809 --> 01:06:22,346 BUT... 868 01:06:22,379 --> 01:06:26,750 HAVE YOU SEEN THESE WOMEN THAT PIERCE THEIR FAT ROLL? 869 01:06:26,783 --> 01:06:29,786 NOW I'M NOT BEING AN ASS. I'VE GOT A HUGE GUT TOO. 870 01:06:29,819 --> 01:06:33,257 BUT YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE ME AT THE MALL IN A TUBE TOP... 871 01:06:33,290 --> 01:06:36,360 WITH, LIKE, A HORSESHOE POKING THROUGH THERE. 872 01:06:41,631 --> 01:06:43,633 I OWN A MIRROR. 873 01:06:52,476 --> 01:06:56,346 MY WIFE GOT ONE OF HER NIPPLES PIERCED. DIDN'T ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT IT EITHER. 874 01:06:56,380 --> 01:07:00,484 I JUST CAME HOME FROM THE ROAD ONE DAY AND SHE OPENED UP HER ROBE AND THERE IT WAS. 875 01:07:00,517 --> 01:07:04,388 AND I WAS LIKE-- 876 01:07:04,421 --> 01:07:06,523 SHE GOES, "WHAT'S THE MATTER? DON'T YOU THINK IT LOOKS SEXY?" 877 01:07:06,556 --> 01:07:11,428 I SAID, "IT LOOKS LIKE THE PLUG IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S BATHTUB." 878 01:07:19,569 --> 01:07:23,607 YEAH, HERE'S A GOOD IDEA: DON'T EVER FUCKIN' SAY THAT. 879 01:07:29,113 --> 01:07:32,482 MY FRIEND GOT HIS COCK PIERCED, AND HE SAID WHEN HE TAKES THE PIERCING OUT... 880 01:07:32,516 --> 01:07:34,718 AND GETS A BLOW JOB, IT WHISTLES. 881 01:07:36,486 --> 01:07:38,622 THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY, ISN'T IT? 882 01:07:54,471 --> 01:07:58,475 * 883 01:08:09,186 --> 01:08:11,488 * 884 01:08:11,521 --> 01:08:13,723 SHE WAS A GOOD SPORT. 885 01:08:14,858 --> 01:08:16,826 THAT WASN'T AN IMPRESSION OF MY WIFE... 886 01:08:16,860 --> 01:08:19,763 OR THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN A BIG SOUND RIGHT THERE. 887 01:08:19,796 --> 01:08:24,368 "I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME IN MY MOUTH!" 888 01:08:24,401 --> 01:08:26,836 "QUIT SUCKING SOONER. 889 01:08:28,372 --> 01:08:32,209 I CAN'T BE LEFT IN CHARGE AT THIS POINT OF THE BLOW JOB." 890 01:08:36,380 --> 01:08:40,884 WE WERE WATCHING CNN THE OTHER NIGHT AND, UH-- 891 01:08:40,917 --> 01:08:43,453 YEAH, THEY WERE DOING A STORY ON NASA... 892 01:08:43,487 --> 01:08:48,525 ABOUT THAT ASTRONAUT LADY THAT WENT BAT-SHIT CRAZY AND TRIED TO KILL THAT OTHER CHICK. 893 01:08:48,558 --> 01:08:52,396 I WISH I COULD WRITE SHIT THAT FUCKIN' FUNNY, MAN. 894 01:08:52,429 --> 01:08:54,531 AND IT WASN'T JUST ABOUT THAT, BUT ABOUT NASA... 895 01:08:54,564 --> 01:08:57,401 AND HOW THEY'RE JUST NOT AS THOROUGH AS YOU THINK NASA WOULD BE. 896 01:08:57,434 --> 01:09:00,670 HOW THEY'RE ALWAYS BACKING UP, COVERING THEIR TRACKS, WHICH, OF COURSE, THEY ARE. 897 01:09:00,704 --> 01:09:03,807 AND I GUESS BECAUSE SO MANY WOMEN ARE GOING INTO OUTER SPACE, 898 01:09:03,840 --> 01:09:08,212 THEY'VE JUST ALLOTTED $10 MILLION FOR A STUDY... 899 01:09:08,245 --> 01:09:11,481 TO SEE IF THERE ANY DANGERS IN A WOMAN SUFFERING FROM P.M.S.... 900 01:09:11,515 --> 01:09:15,419 TO HAVE HER MENSTRUAL CYCLE IN ZERO GRAVITY. 901 01:09:16,820 --> 01:09:21,358 I'M LIKE, "HELL YEAH, THERE ARE DANGERS. 902 01:09:21,391 --> 01:09:26,630 IN A WEIGHTLESS ENVIRONMENT, THE PSYCHO BITCHES CAN FLY." 903 01:09:30,667 --> 01:09:32,702 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT. 904 01:09:32,736 --> 01:09:38,475 BLESS YOU. YOU GUYS WERE SUPER FANTASTIC. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 905 01:09:38,508 --> 01:09:41,711 * 75773

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