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[Music]
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[Music]
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this is viburnum he's 22 years old he's
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a male and he looks like the genetic
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product to the giraffe having sex with
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Ellen DeGeneres he has a gigantic head
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and tiny nipples
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[Music]
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he's isolated himself over the last five
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years in the suit of comedy and in doing
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so has lost touch with reality you're an
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asshole
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[Music]
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you hear me
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you think you know better than me
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you think you know better than everybody
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you will
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and you will deserve it
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but in the meantime you might as well
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tell those silly jokes of yours see if
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that helps
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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welcome to the show this is bonuses
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she's showing boat takes up his pants
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like bass
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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play an invisible trumpet trumpet sound
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drink some invisible water oh shit that
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water is real
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Oh make you feel dr. ball and a voice
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and make you feel comfortable these days
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that prolonged eye contact
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my god
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[Applause]
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god
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[Applause]
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my contact
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contact
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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make it more comforting
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[Music]
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you wanna see a magic friend
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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or is it at that moment
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Bo's twenty-year-old cynicism melted -
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childlike wonder
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new that you do so much magic in the
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world it's a world of possibilities bow
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what do you want to do first run yeah
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sure you can run
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but yeah you can fly what the fuck what
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the fuck are you doing stop stop stop it
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idiot stop and stop and stop anyways in
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the distance bo saw a beautiful fairy a
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fairy so beautiful that he felt proud
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about being called in high school he
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then came across an old bridge with the
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troll standing guard bo knew they'd have
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to answer a riddle to get by the troll
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spoke thus all right for the last time
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man I'm not a troll I'm homeless okay do
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any spare change
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okay that's a used napkin and a want
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that no no stop just don't leave just
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leave please leave
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and then his beau arrived on the other
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side of the stage
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you saw a unicorn with five horns right
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in front of him and the Penta corn spoke
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thus
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how about
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[Music]
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[Music]
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[Music]
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he was safe
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for now but the dark thoughts would soon
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return
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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it's so hard to be a lizard
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to be a lizard
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[Music]
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cinching is ER
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it's hard
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[Music]
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but it's harder to segue
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[Music]
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or here's a him he's in a gay porn okay
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this mining shit is getting pretty
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annoying so give them the real thing my
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voice to stuff
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[Music]
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Rebecca this is the end of the song in
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the beginning of the show welcome to the
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show
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that lizard parm is pretty fucking
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stupid anyway San Francisco you have
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yeah we are a place we are replaced in
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California um I'd like to uh like to
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start with a joke for my male audience
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this is a joke for the fellas where my
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fellows that fellas yo fellas don't you
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hate it when you're blowing a guy he
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ends up being a faggot am i right
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I've been blowing a faggot this whole
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time third time this week
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thank you so much having fun this um
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this show is called what and I hope
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there's some surprises for you or
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something Jesus sorry it's a good start
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I hope there's some mystical water
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nothing is real so um we grow up grow up
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with your applause stick it round
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you meant enough to water over just
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don't if it's on repeat it will repeat
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just this is it well just we can cut all
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this so we meant to play the track again
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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food jokes let's do some food jokes
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segues are weird I had a I had a hot dog
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for breakfast today and afterwards I
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felt like this because I couldn't
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control my stools all right Jesus
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blecch like poop based puns they'll be a
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majority of the show a comedic moment
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see so just a little lesson for
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comedians um this first song is called a
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world on fire next song a little bit a
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little bit longer than that one
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and thinking the house that I am in I'm
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really sad it's called sad it's about
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other sad stuff just picture depressed
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onion cutting itself
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[Music]
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I met a homeless man named rich
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isn't that terrible I sort of fly or for
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a lost dog and the dog didn't have any
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legs it's not a diabetic kid
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[Music]
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trick-or-treating I saw a giraffe who
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had a short neck that was sad or a deer
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I saw an old man get hit by a train he
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didn't see it in the pouring rain
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he didn't hear me shout look out for the
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Train
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because I didn't say anything
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I just thought to myself
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ooh this is gonna be sad
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and it was I'm a genius
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I saw a man with only one eye
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in a 3d movie I saw a little boy drop
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his ice cream cone directly on his
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mother's corpse I saw a kid stuck in a
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tree then the kid jumped off any hyung
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itself I saw a boy who had red hair I
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went to a store looking for something to
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buy but they only sold paintings of the
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same sad guy no way this store sells
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mirrors see what I did there let's rock
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the world's the sad bros
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Payne genocide for sexism racism
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I kind of remember there's good things
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about it too like the fact that none of
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that's happening to me
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score
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[Music]
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still though it's hard not to be sad
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about it how do you all do it I've been
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telling you guys terribly sad things
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this whole song you've been sad at all
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you've been you've been happy no you've
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been laughing that's it laughter it's
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the key to everything
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it's the way to solve all the sadness in
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the world I mean none of the people that
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are actually sad but the people I guess
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they're gonna fucking deal with them all
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the time
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being a comedian isn't being an
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insensitive prick capitalizing in the
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most animalistic impulses of the public
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it's being a hero the world isn't sad
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world's funny I'm a sociopath pleasure
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an old man slip and fall he what a
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fucking idiot
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I saw a woman at her daughter's funeral
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ha ha ha
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classic comedy everything that once was
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sad is somehow funny now the Holocaust
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in 9/11 that shit's funny 24/7 cuz
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tragedy will be exclusively cho too bad
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because my empathy is bumming me
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[Music]
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goodbye sadness hello jokes
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[Music]
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thank you
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I got a really good joke about video
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editors video editors are so fucking I
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think we should do a poem right now if
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that's okay this poem is a little bit
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sappy a little bit romantic so we'll get
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it out of the way now and we will go
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back to the whoops the the dirty stuff
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you know everyone loves it a Late Show
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or whatever okay it's called I fuck
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sluts it's not a roll call but thank you
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sluts sluts sluts I fuck sluts let's get
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fucked when I fuck sluts Noah fans and
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or BOTS I fuck sluts I fuck sluts nice
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girls are nice but no good for nut
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sucking they'll need a serene night to
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green-light a buttfucking but that'll be
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easy with slaves the old slut fucking
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booed the nice girls praised fetus lot
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fucking I have a list a list yes the
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list of all the sluts Agnes - I've never
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fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my
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nuts are fucking pissed so when I fuck
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the lucky slut my nut removes her from
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the list another dumb cum bucket struck
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from my nut sucking suck it slut slut
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fucking bucket list yes you hear the
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influences Chaucer Keyes pages are blank
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I know it why am i lying to you sluts
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can be white black brown Pinker Amin
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that could be skinny with big tits or be
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skinny with small ones
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sluts can be perky prep your posh with
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their brains in the clothes all shrunk
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from the wash excuse me
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but other sluts are pretty and funny and
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smart these sluts can lift on your
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thoughts when your dick to your heart
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they can talk about science music or art
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they can put you together or they can
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pull you apart but don't trust these
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sluts don't don't you dare the force you
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trust them and love them and care and
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then they'll be gone and then you'll be
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aware of that hole in your heart that
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that dumb slut left there thank you very
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much so he was lashing out with sexist
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language because he had his heart broken
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we all learned something thank you all
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for coming
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um I know some of my bits are a little
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bit fast and dance a little bit hard to
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follow a particularly that one so I want
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to do something a little bit slower for
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the people maybe the older people the
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crowd or something so um this for you on
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here's a slow joke
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[Music]
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like sharks as in shucking corn that
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also sucks the exclamation my good
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farming fun um my father recently told
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me that I act too flamboyant on stage
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and I said really dad
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Reuven he said what about that joke
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where you throw confetti at the end of
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it I said I haven't written that joke
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yet because it's based off this
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conversation gotcha keep it keep the
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struggle
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we're having a lot of fun guys don't
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worry about you don't have to fill the
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silences with laughter or applause I
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don't want you leaving this show
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thinking Mike hands heard from clapping
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my stomach hurts from laughing I just
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want you leaving the show thinking all
279
00:17:58,059 --> 00:18:07,029
right and we're on our way I moved to UM
280
00:18:04,569 --> 00:18:11,470
Hollywood recently from Boston where I
281
00:18:07,029 --> 00:18:13,240
grew up and places and I I I heard about
282
00:18:11,470 --> 00:18:14,200
these sort of wild Hollywood party
283
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,849
nights that people would have an didn't
284
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,750
think they were true until I moved to
285
00:18:15,849 --> 00:18:18,819
Hollywood and I started having them
286
00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:19,930
anyway this is a there's a song about a
287
00:18:18,819 --> 00:18:23,240
crazy night that happened a couple weeks
288
00:18:19,930 --> 00:18:25,070
ago it's called what did i do last night
289
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:28,359
[Music]
290
00:18:25,069 --> 00:18:28,359
see ya gee
291
00:18:28,470 --> 00:18:35,108
hey hey one in our two last night
292
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:35,109
[Music]
293
00:18:40,089 --> 00:18:43,468
cry myself to sleep
294
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:58,209
[Applause]
295
00:18:59,450 --> 00:19:09,120
it was a good one when did my mother
296
00:19:07,650 --> 00:19:14,159
first subscribe guys next to me good
297
00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:16,889
question I was eight years old I was
298
00:19:14,159 --> 00:19:18,120
eight years old she brought me into the
299
00:19:16,890 --> 00:19:20,190
dining room she sat right across the
300
00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:21,269
table from me she said you know how your
301
00:19:20,190 --> 00:19:23,640
father and I love each other
302
00:19:21,269 --> 00:19:26,099
I said of course you and Dad loved each
303
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:28,559
other more than two people in the world
304
00:19:26,099 --> 00:19:30,480
could possibly love each other she said
305
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:31,798
well two men can love each other in the
306
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:34,190
exact same way that your father and I
307
00:19:31,798 --> 00:19:36,690
love each other
308
00:19:34,190 --> 00:19:39,390
she said what happens when two men love
309
00:19:36,690 --> 00:19:42,840
each other like that what they do is
310
00:19:39,390 --> 00:19:45,538
they they take off all their clothes um
311
00:19:42,839 --> 00:19:48,048
they get into bed and they shit on the
312
00:19:45,538 --> 00:19:48,048
Bible
313
00:19:56,900 --> 00:20:01,550
so don't talk to her anymore okay
314
00:20:03,109 --> 00:20:10,229
hello patient to 462 hi I'm sorry how
315
00:20:07,710 --> 00:20:12,960
are you feeling not great it's the
316
00:20:10,230 --> 00:20:13,380
treatment being working no it hasn't
317
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,029
been
318
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:17,700
what are you will remain in symptoms I
319
00:20:15,029 --> 00:20:19,440
just I internalized my feelings I just I
320
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:21,390
have trouble articulate other people and
321
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,460
relating to them it's just far little
322
00:20:21,390 --> 00:20:26,040
bitch yeah real mature of you
323
00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:29,340
disembodied voice up there just joking
324
00:20:26,039 --> 00:20:33,059
nigga we are right by Oakland careful to
325
00:20:29,339 --> 00:20:34,199
that shit alright just get to that what
326
00:20:33,059 --> 00:20:35,909
what's wrong with me
327
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:39,000
what is wrong with me please your
328
00:20:35,910 --> 00:20:41,640
emotions and your logic are at war okay
329
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:44,970
your creativity and your analysis on war
330
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:47,430
and most simply your left and right
331
00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:49,529
brain overall my left to my right to fix
332
00:20:47,430 --> 00:20:52,289
the problem we must separate them from
333
00:20:49,529 --> 00:20:55,109
each other circle splitting your
334
00:20:52,289 --> 00:20:57,779
neurological functions in five four
335
00:20:55,109 --> 00:21:00,449
three we booked an appointment you don't
336
00:20:57,779 --> 00:21:01,769
just start counting down this may hurt a
337
00:21:00,450 --> 00:21:04,130
bit I don't even know what idiom here oh
338
00:21:01,769 --> 00:21:04,129
just
339
00:21:11,819 --> 00:21:20,470
isolation complete this is most
340
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:23,740
left-brain objective logical cold
341
00:21:20,470 --> 00:21:28,900
analytical aware of patterns aware of
342
00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:30,450
trends he's efficient and a prick this
343
00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:34,150
is most right brain
344
00:21:30,450 --> 00:21:37,299
subjective creative sensory aware of
345
00:21:34,150 --> 00:21:43,500
feelings aware of people he's emotional
346
00:21:37,299 --> 00:21:43,500
yes and yet it's your opinion so just
347
00:21:44,130 --> 00:21:48,550
play nice
348
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:50,440
I am the left brain I am the left brain
349
00:21:48,549 --> 00:21:53,379
I work really hard to my inevitable
350
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:55,990
death brain you got a job to do you
351
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:57,820
better do it right and the right way is
352
00:21:55,990 --> 00:22:03,819
with the left brains mind
353
00:21:57,819 --> 00:22:07,509
I like Oreos and I cried for at least
354
00:22:03,819 --> 00:22:10,589
one hour after watching Toy Story 3
355
00:22:07,509 --> 00:22:10,589
I am the right
356
00:22:10,599 --> 00:22:17,048
I have been making a little all over the
357
00:22:14,589 --> 00:22:21,159
place but a lustful trust full and I'm
358
00:22:17,048 --> 00:22:23,798
looking for somebody to love some female
359
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:25,900
here comes a female love your chest I'll
360
00:22:23,798 --> 00:22:28,720
take your phone and check your email our
361
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:30,460
evolutionary purpose is repopulate so
362
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:33,339
gather data now and see if she's the
363
00:22:30,460 --> 00:22:35,529
possible mate holy fuck I think she
364
00:22:33,339 --> 00:22:39,519
might be the one
365
00:22:35,529 --> 00:22:41,339
there's something about her I just can't
366
00:22:39,519 --> 00:22:45,279
describe it
367
00:22:41,339 --> 00:22:50,079
tits I am the earth she's the glorious
368
00:22:45,279 --> 00:22:54,279
Sun I want her to trust me and I just
369
00:22:50,079 --> 00:22:56,740
want her to sit on my face fit all right
370
00:22:54,279 --> 00:22:58,000
now right brain you're being insane no
371
00:22:56,740 --> 00:23:02,099
left brain
372
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:04,960
I'm just being alive you should try it
373
00:23:02,099 --> 00:23:07,059
you might like it
374
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:09,279
I worked hard to give him everything he
375
00:23:07,059 --> 00:23:11,649
cared about you were worried about the
376
00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:14,829
things that he was scared about I'm calm
377
00:23:11,650 --> 00:23:17,259
and collected would you ask wild I am me
378
00:23:14,829 --> 00:23:20,669
a dog you are the child do you think
379
00:23:17,259 --> 00:23:24,660
you're the right one every time
380
00:23:20,670 --> 00:23:28,860
you think you know everything you don't
381
00:23:24,660 --> 00:23:32,040
know anything at all half of his
382
00:23:28,859 --> 00:23:36,000
problems we're supposed to be mine
383
00:23:32,039 --> 00:23:39,349
but you wanted everything I hope that
384
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:40,519
you're happy because he's short
385
00:23:39,349 --> 00:23:44,519
[Music]
386
00:23:40,519 --> 00:23:46,079
according my calculations you're a pussy
387
00:23:44,519 --> 00:23:47,279
name-calling really we're gonna do
388
00:23:46,079 --> 00:23:49,500
name-calling I'm not calling names
389
00:23:47,279 --> 00:23:51,420
dating back to the fact is you're a
390
00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:52,769
quivering pussy I'd the pussy well they
391
00:23:51,420 --> 00:23:54,720
said I'll play but toy is still okay
392
00:23:52,769 --> 00:23:56,940
Rubik's cubes are not toys to keep my
393
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:59,279
spacial reasoning skills sharp let brain
394
00:23:56,940 --> 00:24:02,400
plays a toy and look at you Johnny
395
00:23:59,279 --> 00:24:05,670
fucking toy a player will decided my
396
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:07,140
fucking job I kept him working at end of
397
00:24:05,670 --> 00:24:09,509
productive you were supposed to look
398
00:24:07,140 --> 00:24:10,800
after him you're supposed to keep mostly
399
00:24:09,509 --> 00:24:12,900
stable for all this now you're trying to
400
00:24:10,799 --> 00:24:14,819
blame me for every stealing how he's
401
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:17,220
feeling if he's feeling unhappy it's
402
00:24:14,819 --> 00:24:19,589
because you failed him you did this to
403
00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:22,190
me hates you I know he does he fucking
404
00:24:19,589 --> 00:24:22,189
hates you
405
00:24:28,140 --> 00:24:38,140
right brain look I'm sorry no you're not
406
00:24:34,859 --> 00:24:38,139
[Music]
407
00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:48,870
look maybe there's something that we
408
00:24:45,549 --> 00:24:48,869
could do together
409
00:24:49,900 --> 00:25:02,540
together take the best parts of both of
410
00:24:54,349 --> 00:25:04,490
us put him together I'm listening it
411
00:25:02,539 --> 00:25:08,659
would let you to let your feelings out
412
00:25:04,490 --> 00:25:12,799
it would let me analyze so you could man
413
00:25:08,660 --> 00:25:15,410
the themes now man the four it's
414
00:25:12,799 --> 00:25:17,990
something that George Carlin did it's
415
00:25:15,410 --> 00:25:19,940
something that Steve Martin did it's
416
00:25:17,990 --> 00:25:23,720
something special that we could both
417
00:25:19,940 --> 00:25:25,700
perform do you know what it is juggling
418
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:34,940
we could juggle and juggle our tears
419
00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:36,980
away it was comedy we could do comedy
420
00:25:34,940 --> 00:25:37,970
because she atreus in right all right
421
00:25:36,980 --> 00:25:39,470
right brain we're gonna do coffee
422
00:25:37,970 --> 00:25:40,940
together all right all right all right
423
00:25:39,470 --> 00:25:42,680
left brain out do comedy with you what
424
00:25:40,940 --> 00:25:45,640
we can fix them like this we can make a
425
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,640
mess you can I promise
426
00:25:47,990 --> 00:25:51,598
[Music]
427
00:25:52,499 --> 00:25:57,058
experimentation complete thank you very
428
00:25:54,878 --> 00:25:57,058
much
429
00:26:05,859 --> 00:26:13,038
at this point of the show I'd like to
430
00:26:07,759 --> 00:26:25,629
talk about how deep I am a pretty
431
00:26:13,038 --> 00:26:25,629
fucking Dean Dean Dean so deep
432
00:26:28,509 --> 00:26:35,660
but I called this song
433
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:37,159
[Music]
434
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:44,980
hashtag deep
435
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:44,980
[Music]
436
00:26:48,930 --> 00:26:54,299
have you ever stopped to watch a
437
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:58,639
Bluebird drop from a tree and take to
438
00:26:54,299 --> 00:26:58,639
the air me neither
439
00:27:02,089 --> 00:27:07,759
have you ever took time out to finish a
440
00:27:05,180 --> 00:27:11,890
rhyme but the rival words just weren't
441
00:27:07,759 --> 00:27:11,890
there meat cleaver
442
00:27:15,619 --> 00:27:26,750
the people in my life for like grains of
443
00:27:20,210 --> 00:27:32,590
sand cuz they stick together often near
444
00:27:26,750 --> 00:27:38,089
my bottle if life is an ocean I am a
445
00:27:32,589 --> 00:27:40,369
deep and handsome fish a fish that's
446
00:27:38,089 --> 00:27:43,129
drowning
447
00:27:40,369 --> 00:27:49,369
if the artistic process is the birth
448
00:27:43,130 --> 00:27:52,000
canal then I am a freshly jellied kid
449
00:27:49,369 --> 00:27:54,589
come witness my cry
450
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,950
[Music]
451
00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:59,159
these thoughts of mine
452
00:27:56,950 --> 00:28:04,049
and must be a sign that I
453
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:04,050
[Music]
454
00:28:04,619 --> 00:28:11,159
if Jesus can walk on water can he swim
455
00:28:08,679 --> 00:28:11,160
on land
456
00:28:12,140 --> 00:28:18,710
have you ever accidentally peed on the
457
00:28:16,308 --> 00:28:26,629
toilet seat instead of on your
458
00:28:18,710 --> 00:28:29,690
girlfriend's face meaning me neither
459
00:28:26,630 --> 00:28:32,299
have you ever wrote a song note for note
460
00:28:29,690 --> 00:28:39,919
and not a single note was out of place
461
00:28:32,298 --> 00:28:44,619
duh the people in my life are like
462
00:28:39,919 --> 00:28:48,110
blades of grass now cuz they're also
463
00:28:44,619 --> 00:28:52,969
grounded but at least grass stays away
464
00:28:48,109 --> 00:28:58,308
from my bottle heart is a harlot and I
465
00:28:52,970 --> 00:29:01,819
am her sassy urban friend it's why you
466
00:28:58,308 --> 00:29:07,220
being so selfish
467
00:29:01,819 --> 00:29:08,909
if momma is right and the world is my
468
00:29:07,220 --> 00:29:10,490
oyster then
469
00:29:08,910 --> 00:29:13,990
[Music]
470
00:29:10,490 --> 00:29:13,990
I must have an allergy
471
00:29:15,579 --> 00:29:25,649
you don't know how could you
472
00:29:21,829 --> 00:29:28,049
if life makes you wish your
473
00:29:25,650 --> 00:29:31,860
[Music]
474
00:29:28,049 --> 00:29:35,730
and just put on a good movie than a
475
00:29:31,859 --> 00:29:39,049
promptly put a bullet in your head
476
00:29:35,730 --> 00:29:45,039
spend forever
477
00:29:39,049 --> 00:29:49,259
sleep cuz life pales in comparison to
478
00:29:45,039 --> 00:29:49,259
the dream hashtag
479
00:29:59,839 --> 00:30:08,869
thank you
480
00:30:01,809 --> 00:30:43,230
[Applause]
481
00:30:08,869 --> 00:30:46,169
[Music]
482
00:30:43,230 --> 00:31:10,318
[Applause]
483
00:30:46,170 --> 00:31:10,318
[Music]
484
00:31:13,390 --> 00:31:16,439
[Music]
485
00:31:17,559 --> 00:31:25,598
[Applause]
486
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:49,210
[Music]
487
00:31:46,109 --> 00:31:49,209
[Applause]
488
00:31:52,029 --> 00:32:00,579
[Music]
489
00:32:04,679 --> 00:32:09,609
don't you hate it when that happens yeah
490
00:32:07,469 --> 00:32:19,719
thank you that's called beating off an
491
00:32:09,608 --> 00:32:29,708
a-minor yes yes a minor the key not the
492
00:32:19,719 --> 00:32:32,259
felony so I believe I believe there's
493
00:32:29,709 --> 00:32:34,599
nothing more manly one can do then take
494
00:32:32,259 --> 00:32:37,298
a shower to five other guys it's true
495
00:32:34,598 --> 00:32:38,108
it's early caveman cro-magnon wandering
496
00:32:37,298 --> 00:32:40,209
through the fog
497
00:32:38,108 --> 00:32:46,058
you know scrubbing five other sapiens no
498
00:32:40,209 --> 00:32:49,419
homo wish I'd like to do a little uh do
499
00:32:46,058 --> 00:32:52,749
some poems right now if that's okay just
500
00:32:49,419 --> 00:32:55,389
we're in the point of the show these
501
00:32:52,749 --> 00:32:57,098
poems are actually from I'm releasing
502
00:32:55,388 --> 00:32:58,958
this special for free so I'm gonna plug
503
00:32:57,098 --> 00:33:00,278
my poetry book but these are my new
504
00:32:58,959 --> 00:33:01,808
poems for my poetry book called egghead
505
00:33:00,278 --> 00:33:04,628
that will be out by the time this is
506
00:33:01,808 --> 00:33:08,739
airing but not by the time you guys are
507
00:33:04,628 --> 00:33:10,388
seated here right now so it's good
508
00:33:08,739 --> 00:33:12,219
they're pretty serious and it's all just
509
00:33:10,388 --> 00:33:14,138
sort of a tit this is sort of the lull
510
00:33:12,219 --> 00:33:15,879
of the show usually so I'd like to at
511
00:33:14,138 --> 00:33:18,068
this point sort of take the pressure off
512
00:33:15,878 --> 00:33:21,269
the audience and just read some poems
513
00:33:18,068 --> 00:33:24,158
and then we'll go back to the giggles so
514
00:33:21,269 --> 00:33:25,719
this is a poem by a dog roses are gray
515
00:33:24,159 --> 00:33:28,739
violets are a different shade of grey
516
00:33:25,719 --> 00:33:28,739
let's go chase cars
517
00:33:30,619 --> 00:33:38,119
[Applause]
518
00:33:33,869 --> 00:33:41,369
me with my strange choice of adjectives
519
00:33:38,119 --> 00:33:44,359
you with your muscular teeth and
520
00:33:41,369 --> 00:33:44,359
clockwise vagina
521
00:33:44,710 --> 00:34:01,230
[Applause]
522
00:33:49,259 --> 00:34:09,210
I put a chameleon on a red dildo no he
523
00:34:01,230 --> 00:34:11,760
blushed there we go this is the poem
524
00:34:09,210 --> 00:34:15,690
about beauty about self-image and about
525
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:17,040
the ability to transform Martha was ugly
526
00:34:15,690 --> 00:34:18,780
like a shaven baboon
527
00:34:17,039 --> 00:34:21,179
so she wrapped herself up in a curtain
528
00:34:18,780 --> 00:34:22,679
cocoon and after a week she finally
529
00:34:21,179 --> 00:34:35,929
emerged she smelled like shit what a
530
00:34:22,679 --> 00:34:38,960
psycho your incomparable
531
00:34:35,929 --> 00:34:38,960
like a
532
00:34:46,559 --> 00:34:54,329
I want to beat you to death with a blunt
533
00:34:51,418 --> 00:34:55,769
object I want to grab one of those
534
00:34:54,329 --> 00:34:58,559
high-end fashion mannequins by the
535
00:34:55,769 --> 00:35:00,239
ankles and bastard rib cage in I want to
536
00:34:58,559 --> 00:35:01,619
sharpen 50 pencils bind them with the
537
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:04,649
rubber bands take the Lennon in your
538
00:35:01,619 --> 00:35:06,000
mouth and punch the erasers or to strap
539
00:35:04,650 --> 00:35:07,410
you to a bit of nails then strap that
540
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,579
bit of nails to the hood of my car so I
541
00:35:07,409 --> 00:35:10,289
can watch you suffers we drive over
542
00:35:08,579 --> 00:35:13,079
speed bumps to a mall parking lot during
543
00:35:10,289 --> 00:35:14,489
an earthquake I want you to somehow
544
00:35:13,079 --> 00:35:15,809
survive a terrible car crashed and
545
00:35:14,489 --> 00:35:18,469
somehow not survive a small fender
546
00:35:15,809 --> 00:35:29,009
bender on the way back to the hospital
547
00:35:18,469 --> 00:35:30,779
thank you that's called dad this is a
548
00:35:29,010 --> 00:35:32,220
poem it's really a story that's meant
549
00:35:30,780 --> 00:35:35,870
primarily for children but I think it's
550
00:35:32,219 --> 00:35:35,869
got a lesson we could all learn the
551
00:35:36,710 --> 00:35:42,750
squares lived happily in their square
552
00:35:40,079 --> 00:35:46,289
houses in their square yard in their
553
00:35:42,750 --> 00:35:50,239
square town but then one day a family of
554
00:35:46,289 --> 00:35:50,239
circles moved in from the West
555
00:35:50,269 --> 00:35:59,690
get out of here Roundy's shouted one of
556
00:35:55,380 --> 00:36:03,860
the squares why said one of the circles
557
00:35:59,690 --> 00:36:03,860
because this is a metaphor for racism
558
00:36:04,150 --> 00:36:10,690
[Applause]
559
00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:12,579
when I walk into a party you'd think I
560
00:36:10,690 --> 00:36:14,320
was one of those long straight Tetris
561
00:36:12,579 --> 00:36:15,759
pieces cuz everyone's just like oh yeah
562
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:17,980
this guy's here finally we've been
563
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:22,510
waiting for him to show up like you wait
564
00:36:17,980 --> 00:36:24,960
in the game forget it I mean no you had
565
00:36:22,510 --> 00:36:24,960
your chance
566
00:36:26,010 --> 00:36:31,180
if I a million dollars I'd pay your
567
00:36:28,900 --> 00:36:32,440
mother to have sex with me afterwards I
568
00:36:31,179 --> 00:36:33,639
probably invest the remaining nine
569
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:35,320
hundred ninety nine thousand nine
570
00:36:33,639 --> 00:36:39,849
hundred ninety dollars ten dollars for
571
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:41,950
sex with your mother comedy it's I smell
572
00:36:39,849 --> 00:36:51,279
comedy well he was comedy giving off
573
00:36:41,949 --> 00:36:53,230
that scent and finally mid-october with
574
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:56,500
leaves spilled like colored pencil
575
00:36:53,230 --> 00:37:01,630
shavings the streets dicing our town
576
00:36:56,500 --> 00:37:04,199
into neat unfair portions and me eatin
577
00:37:01,630 --> 00:37:16,550
that pussy baby thank you so much
578
00:37:04,199 --> 00:37:18,569
[Applause]
579
00:37:16,550 --> 00:37:21,839
there's things that I don't want to come
580
00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:23,160
across in my show that I worried off and
581
00:37:21,838 --> 00:37:25,139
come across about me because people in
582
00:37:23,159 --> 00:37:26,759
realize but it's an act up here I don't
583
00:37:25,139 --> 00:37:28,230
want you to ever think that I think I'm
584
00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:32,250
better than people or that I think I
585
00:37:28,230 --> 00:37:33,630
know better than people anyway okay
586
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:35,869
this is a song from the perspective of
587
00:37:33,630 --> 00:37:35,869
God
588
00:37:46,300 --> 00:37:51,690
the books do you think I wrote her way
589
00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:51,690
too thick
590
00:37:51,699 --> 00:37:58,750
who needs a thousand metaphors to figure
591
00:37:55,719 --> 00:38:01,980
out you shouldn't be a dick and I don't
592
00:37:58,750 --> 00:38:01,980
watch you when you sleep
593
00:38:02,369 --> 00:38:08,889
surprisingly I don't use my omnipotence
594
00:38:05,860 --> 00:38:14,410
to be a fucking creep
595
00:38:08,889 --> 00:38:17,469
you're not going to heaven why the fuck
596
00:38:14,409 --> 00:38:18,608
would you think I'd ever kick it with
597
00:38:17,469 --> 00:38:22,818
you
598
00:38:18,608 --> 00:38:29,528
none of you are going to
599
00:38:22,818 --> 00:38:29,528
there's a trillion aliens cooler than
600
00:38:31,429 --> 00:38:40,288
you shouldn't abstain from rape just
601
00:38:34,469 --> 00:38:42,689
because you think that I want you to you
602
00:38:40,289 --> 00:38:46,230
shouldn'ta rape cuz rape is a fucked up
603
00:38:42,690 --> 00:38:50,400
thing to do pretty obvious just done
604
00:38:46,230 --> 00:38:53,539
fucking rape people do anything mental
605
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:53,539
write that one down for you
606
00:38:53,980 --> 00:39:00,599
I don't think masturbation is obscene
607
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:06,740
it's absolutely natural and the weirdest
608
00:39:04,340 --> 00:39:10,070
fucking thing I've ever seen
609
00:39:06,739 --> 00:39:14,349
can make my job a living hell
610
00:39:10,070 --> 00:39:18,530
ice and gays to fix overpopulation
611
00:39:14,349 --> 00:39:24,110
pointed patka well you're not
612
00:39:18,530 --> 00:39:26,360
wing to heaven eat a thousand crackers
613
00:39:24,110 --> 00:39:31,490
sing a million hymns
614
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:35,180
none of you are going to heaven
615
00:39:31,489 --> 00:39:36,439
you're not my children you're a bad game
616
00:39:35,179 --> 00:39:39,559
of sim
617
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:42,960
[Music]
618
00:39:39,559 --> 00:39:47,029
you shouldn't abstain from pork just cuz
619
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:47,030
you think that I want you to
620
00:39:48,528 --> 00:39:53,239
you can eat pork because why the fuck
621
00:39:50,728 --> 00:39:53,239
would I give a shit
622
00:39:54,639 --> 00:39:59,400
it created the universe thing I'm
623
00:39:55,929 --> 00:39:59,399
drawing the line the fucking deli aisle
624
00:39:59,780 --> 00:40:11,680
[Music]
625
00:40:06,070 --> 00:40:11,680
you argue and you bicker and you fight
626
00:40:12,130 --> 00:40:19,460
atheists and Catholics Jews and Hindus
627
00:40:15,590 --> 00:40:24,019
argue day and night over what they think
628
00:40:19,460 --> 00:40:26,599
is true but no one entertains the
629
00:40:24,019 --> 00:40:27,670
thought that maybe God does not believe
630
00:40:26,599 --> 00:40:29,539
in here
631
00:40:27,670 --> 00:40:32,059
you prese
632
00:40:29,539 --> 00:40:36,150
leave her
633
00:40:32,059 --> 00:40:36,750
knowing any day might be the day that
634
00:40:36,150 --> 00:40:41,610
you die
635
00:40:36,750 --> 00:40:45,210
but maybe life on earth could be heaven
636
00:40:41,610 --> 00:40:48,410
doesn't just the thought of it make it
637
00:40:45,210 --> 00:40:48,409
worth a try
638
00:40:50,250 --> 00:40:57,500
my love the type of thing that you have
639
00:40:54,329 --> 00:41:01,219
to earn and when you were
640
00:40:57,500 --> 00:41:03,019
you won't need it home I love the type
641
00:41:01,219 --> 00:41:06,399
of thing
642
00:41:03,019 --> 00:41:11,539
you have to earn and when you earn it
643
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:16,358
you all meet and not gonna give you love
644
00:41:11,539 --> 00:41:16,358
just because I know that you want me to
645
00:41:17,949 --> 00:41:21,759
if you want love and the lovers gotta
646
00:41:20,510 --> 00:41:30,840
come from you
647
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:33,460
[Music]
648
00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:38,849
[Applause]
649
00:41:33,460 --> 00:41:38,849
[Music]
650
00:41:39,980 --> 00:41:55,639
tell me about it women are stupid yeah
651
00:41:51,409 --> 00:41:57,739
fucking said it the weaker Dumber sex I
652
00:41:55,639 --> 00:42:00,109
could prove it to you I'd like to
653
00:41:57,739 --> 00:42:02,659
practice safe sex why cuz I'm a guy and
654
00:42:00,110 --> 00:42:04,519
I'm smarter what do women say every time
655
00:42:02,659 --> 00:42:06,679
every time I put on a condom what do
656
00:42:04,519 --> 00:42:08,360
they say why are you wearing a condom if
657
00:42:06,679 --> 00:42:11,329
I'm fucking you with a strap-on to be
658
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:21,019
safe bitch women right they're the dumb
659
00:42:11,329 --> 00:42:24,139
one it's time for a story let's do a
660
00:42:21,019 --> 00:42:26,530
story it's time for a story it's time
661
00:42:24,139 --> 00:42:29,869
for a story a very special story
662
00:42:26,530 --> 00:42:32,810
especially for you it's time for a story
663
00:42:29,869 --> 00:42:35,480
it's time for a story sit down and
664
00:42:32,809 --> 00:42:37,219
listen now don't be a Jew a story is
665
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:41,900
called an D that's a glitch you can be
666
00:42:37,219 --> 00:42:43,909
Jewish this story this story is called
667
00:42:41,900 --> 00:42:46,610
an D the Frog featuring long and
668
00:42:43,909 --> 00:42:48,319
convoluted similes and I warn you when
669
00:42:46,610 --> 00:42:51,470
one of those long convoluted similes
670
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:53,710
rears its old head so here we go once
671
00:42:51,469 --> 00:42:56,149
upon a time there was a frog named Andy
672
00:42:53,710 --> 00:42:57,740
Andy lived at the Patton Park pond it
673
00:42:56,150 --> 00:43:00,019
had never hopped anywhere else in his
674
00:42:57,739 --> 00:43:02,209
entire frog life he had three best
675
00:43:00,019 --> 00:43:06,590
friends Millie who never left her lily
676
00:43:02,210 --> 00:43:08,809
pad Billy who was always hopping mad and
677
00:43:06,590 --> 00:43:14,000
Roger who's arrested for possession of
678
00:43:08,809 --> 00:43:15,289
tadpole porn so one day one day and he
679
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,579
saw something hop across the grass on
680
00:43:15,289 --> 00:43:19,610
the other side of the pond Millie
681
00:43:16,579 --> 00:43:21,829
Billy Roger looks at Andy across the
682
00:43:19,610 --> 00:43:24,769
pond stood the most beautiful frog Andy
683
00:43:21,829 --> 00:43:27,949
had ever seen she's gorgeous said Millie
684
00:43:24,769 --> 00:43:31,599
she's beautiful said Billy bit old for
685
00:43:27,949 --> 00:43:34,339
my taste at Roger classic Roger
686
00:43:31,599 --> 00:43:36,049
and then she was gone I need to go find
687
00:43:34,340 --> 00:43:37,610
her sedan D I need to follow my little
688
00:43:36,050 --> 00:43:38,930
frog hard so and II followed the
689
00:43:37,610 --> 00:43:41,570
beautiful frogs footsteps into the
690
00:43:38,929 --> 00:43:44,539
forest he then came across a turtle you
691
00:43:41,570 --> 00:43:46,940
can't pass said the turtle please said
692
00:43:44,539 --> 00:43:49,400
Andi no said the turtle and this is the
693
00:43:46,940 --> 00:43:51,650
first long convoluted simile then there
694
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:53,180
was a rustling in the bushes and like a
695
00:43:51,650 --> 00:43:55,250
man who had been shot in the chest with
696
00:43:53,179 --> 00:44:02,449
a rifle the turtle was shot in the chest
697
00:43:55,250 --> 00:44:04,429
with a rifle and he kept moving but at
698
00:44:02,449 --> 00:44:07,849
this point like the doctor of the canyon
699
00:44:04,429 --> 00:44:12,379
track team his patience ran thin and he
700
00:44:07,849 --> 00:44:14,150
kept moving he then came across a giant
701
00:44:12,380 --> 00:44:16,160
crocodile in the crocodile began to
702
00:44:14,150 --> 00:44:18,410
chant I woke up this morning and I sat
703
00:44:16,159 --> 00:44:21,589
on a log I opened up the menu the menu
704
00:44:18,409 --> 00:44:22,879
said frog and he said no no please take
705
00:44:21,590 --> 00:44:24,289
off me I can feel myself dying you're
706
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:25,849
ripping out my insides I'm never gonna
707
00:44:24,289 --> 00:44:29,420
find your mi there's no God is there
708
00:44:25,849 --> 00:44:30,579
fuck the end the end so the end of that
709
00:44:29,420 --> 00:44:33,710
story
710
00:44:30,579 --> 00:44:33,710
[Music]
711
00:44:39,489 --> 00:44:43,818
yeah if you're curious the moral of that
712
00:44:41,838 --> 00:44:50,630
story it's irrelevant because we're
713
00:44:43,818 --> 00:44:52,369
humans why would it apply to us you know
714
00:44:50,630 --> 00:44:54,048
my father is so hard to get along with
715
00:44:52,369 --> 00:44:55,849
because he's such a man's man you know
716
00:44:54,048 --> 00:44:58,219
he believes like for example you should
717
00:44:55,849 --> 00:44:59,180
always fight fire with fire which is a
718
00:44:58,219 --> 00:45:00,768
horrible way to live your life
719
00:44:59,179 --> 00:45:04,399
especially for him because he's a
720
00:45:00,768 --> 00:45:06,500
firefighter so he was fired
721
00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:09,410
that was as stupid as we get but let's
722
00:45:06,500 --> 00:45:11,329
get a little stupid or huh there's a
723
00:45:09,409 --> 00:45:15,828
creepy old man fishing in the park and
724
00:45:11,329 --> 00:45:20,568
the only problem is he's trying to catch
725
00:45:15,829 --> 00:45:28,160
a kid you know that stuff trying to get
726
00:45:20,568 --> 00:45:30,048
a little more mainstream people complain
727
00:45:28,159 --> 00:45:32,028
about the way I act onstage very often
728
00:45:30,048 --> 00:45:36,409
you know they say like I repeat jokes or
729
00:45:32,028 --> 00:45:38,028
they also say that they say they don't
730
00:45:36,409 --> 00:45:40,308
get again that this is an act on stage
731
00:45:38,028 --> 00:45:42,559
they think on stage I act - arrogant -
732
00:45:40,309 --> 00:45:45,680
self-obsessed solipsistic self-contained
733
00:45:42,559 --> 00:45:47,269
synonyms and they want me to be they
734
00:45:45,679 --> 00:45:48,889
want me to be a comic of the people you
735
00:45:47,268 --> 00:45:51,828
know relate to the people with the
736
00:45:48,889 --> 00:45:53,239
overarching glue of comedy so I went to
737
00:45:51,829 --> 00:45:54,859
a little bit of a relatable comedy for
738
00:45:53,239 --> 00:45:55,848
you guys I'm like you guys you know once
739
00:45:54,858 --> 00:45:57,288
a week and like to slip into a deep
740
00:45:55,849 --> 00:45:59,750
existential depression or I lose all my
741
00:45:57,289 --> 00:46:01,009
sense of oneness and self-worth and what
742
00:45:59,750 --> 00:46:02,869
I like to do in order to assure myself
743
00:46:01,009 --> 00:46:04,730
that I am unique I'm not just one of
744
00:46:02,869 --> 00:46:06,798
many small white indistinguishable
745
00:46:04,730 --> 00:46:09,349
perfectly cylindrical pieces and Jesus
746
00:46:06,798 --> 00:46:12,079
and Satan's backgammon game is I will
747
00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:14,568
I'll say a group of words that I think
748
00:46:12,079 --> 00:46:17,240
no one has ever said in that order so
749
00:46:14,568 --> 00:46:18,858
that when I say it I feel like look at
750
00:46:17,239 --> 00:46:20,719
me participating in this new moment that
751
00:46:18,858 --> 00:46:22,880
no one's ever been a part of so I'll say
752
00:46:20,719 --> 00:46:25,098
something random like like peanut butter
753
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:27,640
tribalism or I'm your father and I loved
754
00:46:25,099 --> 00:46:27,640
your comedy show
755
00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:36,050
or at first I wasn't comfortable leaving
756
00:46:34,489 --> 00:46:37,759
him alone with my children but then I
757
00:46:36,050 --> 00:46:41,539
saw his mustache phew
758
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:47,660
or uh or you go check out this Amish
759
00:46:41,539 --> 00:46:49,820
website or or I work at a tollbooth and
760
00:46:47,659 --> 00:46:55,489
I don't want to kill myself or that's
761
00:46:49,820 --> 00:46:57,740
too too real yo man my life's about
762
00:46:55,489 --> 00:46:59,869
three things Man three things getting
763
00:46:57,739 --> 00:47:02,609
money getting pussy and the Dewey
764
00:46:59,869 --> 00:47:05,719
Decimal System or
765
00:47:02,610 --> 00:47:05,719
[Applause]
766
00:47:07,380 --> 00:47:12,990
or hey can you hold my fanny pack
767
00:47:10,119 --> 00:47:12,990
I'm gonna go fuck a woman
768
00:47:13,090 --> 00:47:21,439
[Applause]
769
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:29,110
um if I could break I I want to thank
770
00:47:27,099 --> 00:47:31,029
you all for being here because I mean it
771
00:47:29,110 --> 00:47:32,920
I'm so grateful that you'd all come here
772
00:47:31,030 --> 00:47:34,660
and spend an hour of your time with me
773
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:36,700
and if you're watching it home or
774
00:47:34,659 --> 00:47:37,899
whatever on a computer or something if
775
00:47:36,699 --> 00:47:39,489
you've made it this far thank you very
776
00:47:37,900 --> 00:47:41,950
much for watching genuinely I there's my
777
00:47:39,489 --> 00:47:44,889
favorite thing to do and I'm so grateful
778
00:47:41,949 --> 00:47:47,589
for people watching it and enjoying it
779
00:47:44,889 --> 00:47:52,960
okay I will now receive back into my
780
00:47:47,590 --> 00:47:55,350
stage persona just blacked out for 20
781
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:55,349
seconds
782
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:59,259
thank you for coming
783
00:47:59,349 --> 00:48:06,079
love songs used to be so beautiful you
784
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:07,548
know let us go then you and I when the
785
00:48:06,079 --> 00:48:09,740
evening is spread out against the sky
786
00:48:07,548 --> 00:48:13,159
like a patient etherized upon a table TS
787
00:48:09,739 --> 00:48:14,328
Eliot beautiful love songs nowadays just
788
00:48:13,159 --> 00:48:19,029
as beautiful guys
789
00:48:14,329 --> 00:48:20,560
uh sure Justin Bieber 1d you know them
790
00:48:19,030 --> 00:48:22,090
but these new artists they've done
791
00:48:20,559 --> 00:48:23,529
something very strange to the format of
792
00:48:22,090 --> 00:48:26,620
the love song they've changed it a bit
793
00:48:23,530 --> 00:48:28,930
I tried to capture how they've changed
794
00:48:26,619 --> 00:48:30,969
the format of the love song with this
795
00:48:28,929 --> 00:48:31,669
love song I hope you enjoy it and Mark
796
00:48:30,969 --> 00:48:37,429
the differences
797
00:48:31,670 --> 00:48:39,139
[Music]
798
00:48:37,429 --> 00:48:39,699
Jason Derulo
799
00:48:39,139 --> 00:48:40,589
[Music]
800
00:48:39,699 --> 00:48:41,519
[Applause]
801
00:48:40,590 --> 00:48:42,390
[Music]
802
00:48:41,519 --> 00:48:45,630
[Applause]
803
00:48:42,389 --> 00:48:49,049
[Music]
804
00:48:45,630 --> 00:48:50,970
I love your hair I love your name I love
805
00:48:49,050 --> 00:48:52,830
the way you say it I love your heart and
806
00:48:50,969 --> 00:48:54,480
you're so smart cuz you gave away it I
807
00:48:52,829 --> 00:48:56,279
love your sis I love your dad I love
808
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:57,949
your mum but more than all of that I
809
00:48:56,280 --> 00:49:01,560
love the fact that you are dumb enough
810
00:48:57,949 --> 00:49:04,289
to not realize that everything I've said
811
00:49:01,559 --> 00:49:07,019
has been said before in a thousand ways
812
00:49:04,289 --> 00:49:09,329
and a thousand songs some with the same
813
00:49:07,019 --> 00:49:14,489
four chords but you'll still love it and
814
00:49:09,329 --> 00:49:17,069
let me finger you oh girl I hope you
815
00:49:14,489 --> 00:49:19,739
don't think that I'm rude when I tell
816
00:49:17,070 --> 00:49:22,769
you that I love you boo I also hope that
817
00:49:19,739 --> 00:49:26,039
you don't see through this cleverly
818
00:49:22,769 --> 00:49:28,619
constructed ruse to sign by a marketing
819
00:49:26,039 --> 00:49:31,289
team cashing in on puberty and low
820
00:49:28,619 --> 00:49:37,440
self-esteem and girls desperate need to
821
00:49:31,289 --> 00:49:40,380
feel loved America says we love a chorus
822
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:42,869
but don't get complicated for us though
823
00:49:40,380 --> 00:49:44,849
meaning might be missing we need to know
824
00:49:42,869 --> 00:49:47,339
the words after just one listen so
825
00:49:44,849 --> 00:49:49,980
repeat stuff repeat that repeat that
826
00:49:47,340 --> 00:49:52,559
repeat that repeat that repeat that
827
00:49:49,980 --> 00:49:55,039
repeat that repeat that repeat that
828
00:49:52,559 --> 00:49:58,380
repeat that yeah oh you know it
829
00:49:55,039 --> 00:49:58,380
[Music]
830
00:49:58,940 --> 00:50:03,108
I love my baby and you know I couldn't
831
00:50:01,309 --> 00:50:04,819
live without her but now I need to make
832
00:50:03,108 --> 00:50:06,409
every girl think the songs about her
833
00:50:04,818 --> 00:50:08,568
just to make sure that they spread it
834
00:50:06,409 --> 00:50:10,969
like the plague so I described my dream
835
00:50:08,568 --> 00:50:12,529
girl is really really vague like I love
836
00:50:10,969 --> 00:50:14,538
your hands cuz your fingerprints are
837
00:50:12,530 --> 00:50:16,579
like no other I love your eyes and their
838
00:50:14,539 --> 00:50:18,650
bluish brownish greenish color I love it
839
00:50:16,579 --> 00:50:20,630
when you smile that you style wide and I
840
00:50:18,650 --> 00:50:23,869
love how your torso as an arm on either
841
00:50:20,630 --> 00:50:27,559
side now if you're my agent you might be
842
00:50:23,869 --> 00:50:30,318
thinking oh no sound the alarms you're
843
00:50:27,559 --> 00:50:33,769
not appealing to little girls who don't
844
00:50:30,318 --> 00:50:37,789
have arms but they can use iTunes so
845
00:50:33,769 --> 00:50:45,710
welcome who needs ah oh girl like oh
846
00:50:37,789 --> 00:50:48,619
hello Satan Satan you taste again repeat
847
00:50:45,710 --> 00:50:52,269
stop repeat stuff repeat stuff for pizza
848
00:50:48,619 --> 00:50:52,269
repeat stuff everybody
849
00:50:53,309 --> 00:50:57,469
come on louder I can't hear you
850
00:51:00,239 --> 00:51:12,848
[Applause]
851
00:51:04,929 --> 00:51:12,848
[Music]
852
00:51:13,360 --> 00:51:25,079
young ones listen up I'm in magazines
853
00:51:17,010 --> 00:51:25,080
full of model teens so far above you
854
00:51:26,099 --> 00:51:32,559
so read them and hate yourself then pay
855
00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:37,500
me to tell you I
856
00:51:32,559 --> 00:51:43,230
[Music]
857
00:51:37,500 --> 00:51:43,230
and your parents will always come along
858
00:51:43,588 --> 00:51:49,279
because their little girl is in love
859
00:51:47,420 --> 00:51:52,398
and how could love be
860
00:51:49,280 --> 00:51:52,399
[Music]
861
00:51:52,869 --> 00:51:56,249
how could love beer
862
00:51:58,119 --> 00:52:03,929
and when you repeat that repeat that
863
00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:03,930
four dates to have repeat that
864
00:52:07,210 --> 00:52:10,550
[Music]
865
00:52:10,969 --> 00:52:16,699
we know it's not funny but we'll stop
866
00:52:14,059 --> 00:52:21,969
eating this dead horse when it stop
867
00:52:16,699 --> 00:52:23,769
spitting out money but in Selma
868
00:52:21,969 --> 00:52:23,980
and we will repeat stuff
869
00:52:23,769 --> 00:52:27,730
[Applause]
870
00:52:23,980 --> 00:52:27,730
[Music]
871
00:52:40,409 --> 00:52:45,389
thank you so much you guys have been um
872
00:52:42,550 --> 00:52:48,369
you guys have been absolutely amazing
873
00:52:45,389 --> 00:52:49,449
you've been absolutely amazing up that's
874
00:52:48,369 --> 00:52:51,820
the end of the show I probably should
875
00:52:49,449 --> 00:52:53,710
have ended it on a sort of higher note
876
00:52:51,820 --> 00:52:57,190
there but yeah that's the end of what I
877
00:52:53,710 --> 00:52:58,570
hope you liked it bye oh my god how are
878
00:52:57,190 --> 00:53:01,750
you I haven't seen you since like
879
00:52:58,570 --> 00:53:04,840
freshman year oh my god you're still
880
00:53:01,750 --> 00:53:09,340
like skinny and weird back then but now
881
00:53:04,840 --> 00:53:10,570
you're anyway you should totally come to
882
00:53:09,340 --> 00:53:12,850
this party I'm having tonight with a
883
00:53:10,570 --> 00:53:15,640
bunch of my college friends it's gonna
884
00:53:12,849 --> 00:53:18,159
be off the chain hook it's gonna be so
885
00:53:15,639 --> 00:53:18,639
good you can play some songs for us or
886
00:53:18,159 --> 00:53:21,039
something
887
00:53:18,639 --> 00:53:24,849
I've been telling everybody how good of
888
00:53:21,039 --> 00:53:28,179
friends we were back in the day I know
889
00:53:24,849 --> 00:53:29,769
we never talked or hung out ever but I
890
00:53:28,179 --> 00:53:32,919
think that's what made our friendships
891
00:53:29,769 --> 00:53:37,259
so special you know anyway text me okay
892
00:53:32,920 --> 00:53:40,539
bye mr. Birnam how you doing good good
893
00:53:37,260 --> 00:53:43,030
I'm a I'm an agent from out Los Angeles
894
00:53:40,539 --> 00:53:45,608
really dig your stuff man it's it's out
895
00:53:43,030 --> 00:53:46,810
there you know I totally get it and the
896
00:53:45,608 --> 00:53:49,299
best part about it man you got all these
897
00:53:46,809 --> 00:53:51,130
young fans and which is great because
898
00:53:49,300 --> 00:53:54,640
young people they're very passionate
899
00:53:51,130 --> 00:53:56,289
they're very very reliable consumers but
900
00:53:54,639 --> 00:53:57,940
what you got to do in order to take your
901
00:53:56,289 --> 00:53:59,710
career to the next level got a cater
902
00:53:57,940 --> 00:54:01,659
more heavily to them all right we've
903
00:53:59,710 --> 00:54:04,449
done studies young people do not respond
904
00:54:01,659 --> 00:54:06,608
to this you know introspective material
905
00:54:04,449 --> 00:54:08,949
or these challenges to the form you know
906
00:54:06,608 --> 00:54:12,039
young people want jokes they can relate
907
00:54:08,949 --> 00:54:14,439
to okay so write a write a silly song
908
00:54:12,039 --> 00:54:16,599
about Facebook you know write some write
909
00:54:14,440 --> 00:54:20,470
some jokes about our Twitter er or
910
00:54:16,599 --> 00:54:22,179
sugary cereals or razor scooters relate
911
00:54:20,469 --> 00:54:23,319
to them you know also you got to
912
00:54:22,179 --> 00:54:24,489
re-establish your presence on the
913
00:54:23,320 --> 00:54:26,200
Internet buddy all right it's not
914
00:54:24,489 --> 00:54:27,909
important whether the material is good
915
00:54:26,199 --> 00:54:30,399
or not what's important is that you keep
916
00:54:27,909 --> 00:54:32,349
the bo burnham brand alive and well
917
00:54:30,400 --> 00:54:34,630
you get it cool we'll discuss more later
918
00:54:32,349 --> 00:54:41,259
I know it's a lot my number is three one
919
00:54:34,630 --> 00:54:43,269
oh five five five management fag what up
920
00:54:41,260 --> 00:54:46,930
- what's up how are you man
921
00:54:43,269 --> 00:54:49,570
you've changed bro you've changed I
922
00:54:46,929 --> 00:54:50,919
never knew you but my friends old
923
00:54:49,570 --> 00:54:52,080
roommates friend said he knew you in
924
00:54:50,920 --> 00:54:54,150
high school and you became a
925
00:54:52,079 --> 00:54:55,860
asshole what's all this comedy stuff
926
00:54:54,150 --> 00:54:57,570
started happening what is it man you
927
00:54:55,860 --> 00:54:59,550
think you're better than us think you're
928
00:54:57,570 --> 00:55:02,940
better than us just cuz you're tall well
929
00:54:59,550 --> 00:55:05,190
congrats man you're tall wow it's
930
00:55:02,940 --> 00:55:06,000
incredible what you want a trophy for
931
00:55:05,190 --> 00:55:07,889
being tall
932
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:09,900
you wanna we should just give trophies
933
00:55:07,889 --> 00:55:12,480
to tall things and every tree and
934
00:55:09,900 --> 00:55:14,090
building will have a trophy that makes
935
00:55:12,480 --> 00:55:16,230
sense
936
00:55:14,090 --> 00:55:17,210
yeah why are you actually not quiet
937
00:55:16,230 --> 00:55:19,590
weird right now
938
00:55:17,210 --> 00:55:21,690
yo I know why you are it's cuz you're an
939
00:55:19,590 --> 00:55:24,360
arrogant prick that's why an arrogant
940
00:55:21,690 --> 00:55:26,460
fucking prick I once heard that you
941
00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:28,079
actually act quiet because you're shy
942
00:55:26,460 --> 00:55:29,460
and introverted in real life and that
943
00:55:28,079 --> 00:55:31,759
people shouldn't expect you to act the
944
00:55:29,460 --> 00:55:36,150
same way off stage as you do on stage
945
00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:42,120
yeah yeah it makes no sense anyway you
946
00:55:36,150 --> 00:55:49,400
want to buy some weed Wow oh my god Wow
947
00:55:42,119 --> 00:55:54,089
oh my god bow-bow
948
00:55:49,400 --> 00:55:57,300
bow-bow bow-bow bow-bow bow oh my god
949
00:55:54,090 --> 00:56:01,559
mr. Birnam bow bow
950
00:55:57,300 --> 00:56:07,670
oh my god mr. Birnam bow bow oh my god
951
00:56:01,559 --> 00:56:12,360
mr. Birnam bow oh my god mr. Birnam oh
952
00:56:07,670 --> 00:56:12,869
my god mr. pear mr. mr. Begg Wow oh my
953
00:56:12,360 --> 00:56:22,230
god
954
00:56:12,869 --> 00:56:27,920
mr. Bourg mr. mr. Bergmann faggot faggot
955
00:56:22,230 --> 00:56:27,920
faggot faggot faggot faggot
956
00:56:33,099 --> 00:56:36,529
[Applause]
957
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:50,390
okay okay
958
00:56:46,550 --> 00:56:54,769
what the hell oh hey oh hey you're not
959
00:56:50,389 --> 00:56:56,989
gonna hit the girl that's sexist mr.
960
00:56:54,769 --> 00:56:59,840
Baba we think you've changed bro you
961
00:56:56,989 --> 00:57:03,049
know best you thought we think you've
962
00:56:59,840 --> 00:57:04,309
changed brother know best you thought we
963
00:57:03,050 --> 00:57:07,490
think we know you
964
00:57:04,309 --> 00:57:10,909
we think we know you we think we know
965
00:57:07,489 --> 00:57:14,389
you we think we know you we think we
966
00:57:10,909 --> 00:57:17,809
know you we think we know you we think
967
00:57:14,389 --> 00:57:20,690
we know you we think we know you we
968
00:57:17,809 --> 00:57:24,250
think we know you we think we know you
969
00:57:20,690 --> 00:57:24,250
we think we know
970
00:57:24,809 --> 00:57:32,090
we think we know yeah we think we know
971
00:57:27,920 --> 00:57:45,889
we know we know
972
00:57:32,090 --> 00:57:45,890
[Music]
973
00:57:50,400 --> 00:58:06,969
[Music]
974
00:58:07,159 --> 00:58:11,349
mister mister mister mister
975
00:58:13,650 --> 00:58:23,700
oh my god
976
00:58:15,570 --> 00:58:24,930
[Music]
977
00:58:23,699 --> 00:58:39,208
[Applause]
978
00:58:24,929 --> 00:58:39,208
[Music]
979
00:58:43,510 --> 00:59:08,700
[Applause]
980
00:58:44,920 --> 00:59:13,829
[Music]
981
00:59:08,699 --> 00:59:15,149
mr. Burnham so you go to school in the
982
00:59:13,829 --> 00:59:24,119
fall
983
00:59:15,150 --> 00:59:28,160
you're to school this year Yeah right
984
00:59:24,119 --> 00:59:47,818
who's your teacher gonna be Thank You
985
00:59:28,159 --> 00:59:50,808
missus this is going to be what do you
986
00:59:47,818 --> 00:59:50,808
think you're gonna do at school
987
00:59:56,650 --> 00:59:59,729
[Music]
988
01:00:05,630 --> 01:00:11,450
ya know you're gonna eat some snacks but
989
01:00:08,250 --> 01:00:11,449
what else you gonna do there
103535
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