All language subtitles for Inside No 9 s09e01 Boo to a Goose.enng

This programme contains some strong
language

TRAIN RUMBLES

TANNOY:
- For the purposes of safety and security,

CCTV is in operation at this station

and across all underground lines.

Thank you.

- TANNOY:
- Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed

the next station is closed.

This train will not be stopping at the
next station.

- For God's sake!

- What was that? I missed it.

- We're not stopping at the next
station.

- Ah. Thank you so much.

- Do you mind?
- Sorry, bro.

I'm just looking at the map.

Do you know what the next station's
going to be? - No.

- I thought I recognised her from
something. - Which one?

- The lady with the teeth.

- You'll have to narrow it down,
Gerry.

- She was the maid or whatever she
was.

- What maid?

There wasn't a maid. It was set in a
shoe factory.

- Well, the boss, then. I can't
remember all the details.

She was in Crown Court.

- That was 50 years ago.

- Not Crown Court, The Crown.

- Well, who was she in that?

- I think she was Princess Margaret.

- Lesley Manville?

- Well, it might have been.

People have to work, Edie.

- We haven't just seen Lesley Manville

in an amateur production of Kinky
Boots, Gerry.

- Frig me! Is there a homeless
convention in town this week?

- What?
- Behind you, you blind bitch.

If you're looking for your dad, he's
over there.

- Don't, Wilm, he can't help it.

I think he's kind of cute.

- Fine, go ahead and shag him, then.

Least you won't have to pay for his
taxi fare home.

BOTH SNIGGER

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Very sorry to bother you.

I hope you're all having a wonderful
evening.

But as you can probably tell from my
appearance,

I'm sleeping on the streets at the
moment.

I'm asking if it would be possible for
any of you good people

to help me out with a little bit of
spare change.

I'm so embarrassed to have to ask you
like this,

but I don't have any options at the
moment.

I'd really appreciate anything you can
give

to help me out at this difficult time.

- I'm sorry, darling.
- I don't have any change.

- No-one does.

I need a card machine.

- What? No, no, no, no, no.

What do you want to do that for, bro?

They can track you if you use cards.

- Who can?
- Them, innit? They're watching us right now.

No cards, cash only.

- Do you have any cash?

- Uh, no.

- Here you go, dear.

- Oh...

Thank you.
- Sorry it's not much.

- That's all right, I appreciate it.

- Every little helps!
- Yeah?

- Stop it, Edie. He won't know
Tesco's.

- I didn't mean Tesco's.

I was just saying it as a phrase.

- Just don't get involved.

- CLANG

- GROANS

Oh!

Jesus! Are you OK?

Are you OK?
- You all right, bro?

- Yeah...

- HE GROANS

HE GASPS

WILMA:
- You are kidding me!

- TANNOY:
- Very sorry for the power outage,

ladies and gentlemen. Do please sit
tight

while we try and get things up and
running again.

Hopefully it won't be long.

- MAN:
- I heard some passengers got stuck in a tunnel

for two weeks on the Berlin U-Bahn
system.

Power failed and they were trapped
inside.

The authorities couldn't get to them.

They sat in the dark,

panic slowly setting in.

Then they ran out of water.

They turned on each other in the end.

The weakest ones got eaten.

- Jesus, I'd rather eat my own tits

than chow down on his gamey old meat.

Be like eating a pigeon.
- Beg your pardon?

- I mean, my gag reflex is legendary,
but I draw the line at that.

- Stop it!

- SHE LAUGHS

- You should have more respect.
- Oh, keep your nose out, Melania Tramp,

or I'll put some buttons in with your
change.

- What did you call me?

- SCREAMING

What is it?
- Someone grabbed me.

- GERRY: Who did?

- I don't know. I don't know.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I think so.

- All right. All right.

- They... They pulled my bag and I
dropped it. Sorry.

- Are you hurt?

- No, I don't think so.

- Were they going for the breasts, do
you think?

- Gerald!
- What? I'm just trying to establish the facts.

- What's happened now?

- We're not sure.

- It's a sex pest in the carriage.

Operates in the dark.

- My purse has gone.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah, it was in here. I just had it
and now it's gone.

- Strike that. Sex pest and thief.

- Will you stop saying that word?

- What word? Sex pest?
- Yes!

- Sit down, please. I've got this.

OK, young man...

...empty your pockets.

- What?

- Empty your pockets.

This lady has had her purse stolen.

- What's that got to do with me?

- I don't know yet.

- Why am I being singled out?

- HE SCOFFS

I don't mean to be insensitive,

but you're the only one begging for
money here.

- That doesn't mean I'm a thief.

- Then empty your pockets.
- No.

And she had her breast pinched.
- Gerald!

- No, no. No-one did that.

- Poor woman's blotted it out.

Coping mechanism.

- Will you be quiet, please?
- Sorry.

Honestly, sir, I haven't done nothing.
- He doesn't have to

empty his pockets for you. You're not
the police.

- He might be.

They put them on trains undercover.
I've seen 'em.

- Look, the thief is definitely on
this carriage.

In the absence of the law, I just want
to check.

I'm only trying to help this lady.

- That's reasonable enough.

- Absolutely it is.

And if he needs strip-searching,

I've got some Vaseline and latex
gloves in me fanny pack.

- She gave me £2. Why would I rob from
her?

- Well, that's the oldest trick in the
book. - What is?

- You remember what happened with
Sting's accountant?

He thought they were friends. Scammed
him for six mil.

- It's hardly the same thing, Gerry.

- They always start small.

- I don't mind showing you my bags.

- Ah, there you are, you see.

SHOUTS: Thank you, sir. It's all
perfectly fine.

There's nothing to hide if you've got
nothing to hide.

Huh?

BAG RUSTLES

That's great. Thank you.

- I do have more.

- That's... HE GASPS ...fine.

- Don't you want to check them?

- No, it's OK.

I trust you.

- I wouldn't if I were you, miss.

- WHISPERS:
- Not plugged in.

We don't mind being searched, do we,
Edith?

- Well, yes, but...

- Just to rule ourselves out.

- We've been to the theatre.

We enjoy Gilbert and Sullivan. We're
not hoodlums.

- Honestly, you don't have to, it's
fine.

- Did you have much money in it?

- No, not much. But all my cards.

- Well, don't...don't use cards.

Why will no-one listen to me about
this?

- And a photograph of my father
which...

- TEARFULLY:
- I wouldn't want to lose that.

- Well, look, I am happy to comply

and show that I haven't got it.

Edith? Edith.

- Um...

This is just a car coat,

so it doesn't have pockets,

and there is nothing in my handbag.

- Well, two apple cores.

- CLEARS HIS THROAT

You see?

That's what honest, decent citizens
do.

Now...

...are you going to let me check your
pockets?

Thank you.

Wasn't so hard, was it?

- Speak for yourself, darling. I found
it quite erotic.

- Don't be so childish.

- Well, I bet you've never tried to
keep a tuck with a semi on.

- Shall I speak to the driver?

Tell him there's been an incident.

- Good idea. Proper authorities.

- What about your pockets, Chief
Inspector?

Can we look in them?

- Yes.

Of course.

You see?

No-one is above the law.

You can't just do what you want
without consequences.

- That's true. I snipped our
neighbour's hydrangeas back

and they planted bamboo out of spite.

The drive's ruined, isn't it, Gerry?

- I'm afraid so.

It was an act of madness,

and now we live with the encroachment.

Shafts of it poking through the tarmac
like Hydra's teeth!

- Have you tried boiling water?

- Of course we have! It can't be
stopped!

Sorry.

- Who you working for?

- Highton Grammar. I'm a physics
teacher.

- No, no, no, I don't trust him.

He's been spying on us the whole time.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Yeah. You've been writing stuff down
about us in code.

- That's a polygon.

- Yeah! Look - "actor", "fake",
"taskforce".

- It's a puzzle.

You have to make words from the
letters they give you.

- Oh, I'm good at those, let me see.

- You're collating. I see you
collating.

- Collating what?

- Data. For them. There's a bigger
picture, yeah?

Yeah, we're all being monitored. You
must know that.

- Yes! It's aliens.

I've seen them too.

They experimented on me at a bus stop
in Preston.

They put an R2-D2 in my bottom.

- To scale, obviously.

He's not joking.

- How do you know?

- He's got it in that bag.

Oh, my God.

Speaking of bags, can we see inside
yours?

- Definitely not.

Private property.

- Everybody else has.
- I said no.

- Why not?

What have you got to hide?

- Oi, fuck off, man.

- I'm so sorry.

I...I didn't mean to cause this much
upset.

- Don't worry, it's not your fault.

- I'm just a bit shaken.

I've never had anything stolen before.

- Well, I'm sure the police can sort
it all out.

We'll make a statement, won't we,
Gerry? - Yes, of course.

- I'm sorry, but I'm not saying shit
to the police.

I wouldn't trust them as far as I
could throw them.

- Hardly surprising, is it?

- Why'd you say that?

- Oh, no reason.

- No, go on. If you've got something
to say,

I think you should say it.

- I've been a teacher for 25 years.

I've seen the erosion of respect for
authority.

There was a time when I would walk
into a classroom

and 30 students would stand up
immediately.

- Oh, is that what you want?

"Good morning, sir."

- This lady is a nurse!

It wasn't so long ago

we were standing in the street
applauding their efforts.

Or maybe you never bothered?

- No, maybe I never did.

- Do you have a list of everyone who
banged a pan?

- Oh, the Government do. They see
everything.

- We were out there at least three
times, weren't we, Edith?

Although that Le Creuset was bloody
heavy.

- As some day it may happen that a
victim must be found

I've got a little list I've got a
little list

Of society offenders who may well be
underground

And who never would be missed

Who never would be missed

There's the pestilential...

- Frig me, it's like Hamilton for
hobos.

- It's from The Mikado.
- Oh!

- ...People who have flabby hands

And irritating laughs

All children who are up in dates and
floor you...

- Thank you, darling. We'll let you
know.

- All persons who in shaking
hands...

- All right! All right, let's stop
playing silly buggers.

Open the bag.
- No.

- Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have
to insist,

because you were closest to this lady

when the incident occurred.
- Stay the fuck away from me.

- They never would be missed.

- If... If I could make a suggestion?

Let's take a vote. See what the
general feeling is.

- Very good, Edith.

Democracy manifest.

- Everyone who thinks...

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

- I didn't give you my name.

- Well, we could vote on whether he
should.

- No, he doesn't have to give us his
name, it's fine.

- Harold. My name's Harold.

- Oh, hello, Harold.

I'm Edith, and this is my husband,
Gerry.

- Hello.

- Binks. Raymond Binks.

- I'm Elena.

It's very nice to meet you all.

- Well, my boy name is Jonathan -
urgh, gives me the ick -

but my drag name

is Wilma Dickshow.
- Wilma...?

- Dickshow.
- Right.

- I do a bottomless brunch first
Thursday of every month

at the Purple Sock. I know -

I'll put you all on the guest list.

Gerry and Edith. Elena. What was your
name again?

- I'm not giving you my name, all
right?

- Oh, damn it. I thought I was going
to Columbo him then.

- He doesn't have to give you his
name. He doesn't have to

give you anything. Just because you
assume authority,

like the fascist prick that you are.

- Well, when the police become
involved,

we'll all have to give our names,
won't we?

- I won't.
- You tell him, Cleo... Oh, bum cheeks!

- All right, this has gone on long
enough. Is there anybody here

who thinks I shouldn't look inside
this young man's bag,

by force, if necessary?
- Yes!

Come on.

- Well, someone's nicked her purse,
darling,

and it wasn't me.

- There you are, see?

Hand it over.
- Oi, oi!

What you doing, man?

Is no-one going to stand up to him?
- Give it to me.

- Someone stop him!

- TANNOY:
- Me again, folks.

Sorry about the continuing loss of
power.

We should be on our way fairly
shortly.

We are aware there's been an incident

in one of the carriages,

and the proper authorities have been
informed.

Once again,

I apologise for any inconvenience
caused.

Can I have my newspaper back, please?

- Oh, yes. I got "frock",
unsurprisingly,

and "fork".

I wanted "cock"...

...but there's only one C.

- Did you know that "Meryl Streep"

is an anagram of "try eel sperm"?

It's always tickled me.

- What did the driver say?

- He said there's a replacement
service on the way.

Shouldn't be long now.

- Well, looks as though I'm going to
be late for work.

- HE SCOFFS

- I'd love to be late for work.

My job's 24/7.

- Your job?

- COINS RATTLE

- Surviving.

- Do you make much money going up and
down?

- No.

People are just embarrassed. I get it.

I'm asking for generosity.

It puts them in the position of
deciding to be kind or not.

- Do you think people are not kind?

- I think most people don't believe me

when I tell them I've got nothing.

They think it's a con, I'm just lying.

- At the hospital, I see the opposite.

Lots of frightened people trying to
make sense

of what's happening to them.

They just really want to know

that everything's going to be all
right, but...

..sometimes they can't accept the
truth.

- Here...

You can have your £2 back.

- Oh, no, no. You keep that.

- Are you sure?
- Hmm. Yeah, course.

Hope it brings you luck.

- Says here they're doing Salad Days

for their Christmas show. Shall we
book for that, Edie?

Boxing Day treat?
- Hmm?

- Shall we book Salad Days for
Christmas?

- No. I don't want to see Salad Days.

- What's the matter?

- I think that man's a bully.

- Who?
- The teacher.

Why do we always let people like him
bully us?

We're people in our own right.

We have our own opinions.

- Yes, of course we do, but we don't
have to blurt them out

to every Tom, Dick and Harold, do we?

- I don't know. I think we just sunk
into ourselves.

Anything for a quiet life.

- Well, there's nothing wrong with
that, is there?

- What happened to you, Gerald?

You used to be such a firebrand.

When you had that trouble at work,

you were the first one to lead your
team out on strike.

Standing there with your whistle and
your megaphone.

- That was a long time ago, Edie.

- I came and brought you soup.

Do you remember?

In a big pot with a ladle.

And we all sang that song from Oliver!

Food Glorious Food.

- What is it, love?

What's the matter?

- I want more, Gerry.

I want more!

- MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

Here, it's your favourite.

All Too Well (10 Minute Version)
(Taylor's Version) (From the Vault).

What?

You're not going to have an eppy

because I didn't put my hand up, are
you?

- I can't believe you'd let him get
away with that.

- Oh, Cleo, come down off your high
horse, darling.

It's exhausting.

- He assaulted those two young men.

- Yeah, and we had front-row seats.

Lucky us.

It's not every day you get a free sex
show

on your train ride home, is it?

I should have filmed it for OnlyFans -

The Teacher, The Tramp And The
Terrorist.

- He's not a terrorist. Why is he a
terrorist?

- He was clinging onto that bag

tighter than Judy Finnegan to a wine
glass.

And I bet he grew that beard

to hide his face from the cameras.

- Not everyone with a bag and a beard
is a terrorist, Wilma.

- Yeah, and not everyone

who tapes their knob to their arsehole

is a drag queen but... You know.

- I think she may be right.
- Thank you.

- Where are you heading to?

- None of your business, man.

- You didn't seem to know the area,
that's all.

- Look, I'm not explaining myself to
you. I'm not on trial,

I'm not at school. I've done nothing
wrong.

- "The lady doth protest too much,
methinks."

Shakespeare.

- Well, they're sending somebody to
help us.

Maybe we should just wait.

- Yeah.

- HOMELESS MAN:
- Well, I believe him.

- Thank you.

- Not you. Him.
- Oh.

That's not a particularly glowing
endorsement

coming from a common thief.

- I'm not a thief.

- Crawling up and down the train
carriage all day,

begging for change!

You work your fingers to the bone!

- Shut your mouth!

I'm with you. Someone's got to stand
up to the man.

- Exactly. And he's been lording it

over us this whole time like he's
better than us.

Well, you're not! And the rest of you

can sit there and do nothing

but I'm taking affirmative action.

- HE LAUGHS

There's still more of us than there
are of you.

- No, there isn't.

Excuse me.

- Edith, what are you doing?

- I think you're a bully,

and I don't think it's fair, what
you've been doing.

- Look, look, look. I want another
vote.

If the majority of people want to see
inside this bag,

then you can, and I won't stop you.

- Good, because I do.

Squash this little rebellion

and then prove that I'm right.

Gerald?

- I agree.

- Elena?

- Sorry.

- And...

...this gentleman?

- Oh, my gosh, it's come all down to
me.

It's like Kramer Vs Kramer.

Who do I choose?

Ickle, ockle, chocolate bottle, ickle,
ockle, out,

turn the dirty dishcloth inside out.

- Everything's just a big fucking joke

to you, isn't it, Jonathan?

- Um, pretty much, yeah.

- You can't see through all those fake
lashes and mascara

that here, in the real world,

there is injustice happening
everywhere you look.

And if you thought about anybody else
but yourself

for at least 30 seconds, you'd realise
that!

- Oh, I know all about the real world,

Cleopatra, darling.

I've been laughed at, beaten up,

had dog shit pushed through my
letterbox.

There's no need to tell me about
injustice.

And if I want to paint my face and
lip-sync to Lady Gaga,

then that's just my way of dealing
with it,

all right? Just like yours

is rebelling against your posh-as-fuck
upbringing

by getting a little nose-ring and
tottering after me

like the ghastly little fag hag that
you are.

I'm with you, Daddy.

- When did you get so mean?

- Blessed are the mean,

for they will inherit the earth.

- CLANKING

- Blessed are those who hunger and
thirst after righteousness,

for they will be killed.

- Hey, you can look inside now.

- Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown no mercy.

- What is this?

- Blessed are the pure in heart...

..for they will see...God.

- What the fuck?

- Gerry?

- Put them on. You've got about 20
seconds.

- Harold and I don't need them.

- What's happening, Gerry?

- It's all right, Edie. Deep breaths.

It doesn't hurt.

- HISSING

COUGHING

MUFFLED CRIES FOR HELP

HISSING CONTINUES

EDITH:
- Gerry!

- Help us!

Help!

EDITH:
- Gerry!

- COUGHING AND GASPING

- Gerry!

- HISSING STOPS

CLEARS HIS THROAT

- Sorry about the inconvenience.

The purse was just an inciting
incident.

Oh, you can take these off now. It's
fine.

- INHALES SHARPLY

- It's fine.

No hard feelings, eh?

- W-What's going on?

- Well, we implement this action from
time to time.

Swap out the disruptors,

anybody who challenges the status quo.

But you all have nothing to worry
about.

- What do you mean?

- Now, if you could just sign here.

It just confirms that you took no part
in today's events

as they never actually happened.

Oh, and tick the box if you'd be
interested in helping us

in the future. We really need people
like you,

Elena, actually.

People who don't get involved.

Thanks.

Great.

- What about these people?

- Well, you can see them.

They're right here.

Only now, like you...

- WHISPERS:
- ..they wouldn't say boo to a goose.

Isn't that right, Gerry?

- Oh, that's right, sir.

- Great. Great.

- TANNOY CHIMES

- We do apologise for the delay

in your replacement service today.

This was due to an earlier disruption
on the line

which has now been rectified.

We do hope you have a safe onwards
journey.

- Hey, guys. Um, just three people
today,

two females and a male.

Yep, great.

- Edith?

- Yes?

- When we get home, shall we book to
see Salad Days?

- Yes, I think we should.

- TANNOY:
- If you see something that doesn't look right,

speak to staff or text British
Transport Police on 61016

and we'll sort it.

See it.

Say it.

Sorted.

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