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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,120 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,240 TRAIN RUMBLES 3 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,680 TANNOY: - For the purposes of safety and security, 4 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,760 CCTV is in operation at this station 5 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,480 and across all underground lines. 6 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:00,560 Thank you. 7 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,240 - TANNOY: - Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed 8 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,400 the next station is closed. 9 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,080 This train will not be stopping at the next station. 10 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,200 - For God's sake! 11 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:44,920 - What was that? I missed it. 12 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,320 - We're not stopping at the next station. 13 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,320 - Ah. Thank you so much. 14 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,360 - Do you mind? - Sorry, bro. 15 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,520 I'm just looking at the map. 16 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:56,000 Do you know what the next station's going to be? - No. 17 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,840 - I thought I recognised her from something. - Which one? 18 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,120 - The lady with the teeth. 19 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,880 - You'll have to narrow it down, Gerry. 20 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,440 - She was the maid or whatever she was. 21 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,800 - What maid? 22 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,240 There wasn't a maid. It was set in a shoe factory. 23 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:12,360 - Well, the boss, then. I can't remember all the details. 24 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:13,720 She was in Crown Court. 25 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,640 - That was 50 years ago. 26 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,200 - Not Crown Court, The Crown. 27 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,000 - Well, who was she in that? 28 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,520 - I think she was Princess Margaret. 29 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,240 - Lesley Manville? 30 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,480 - Well, it might have been. 31 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,760 People have to work, Edie. 32 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,440 - We haven't just seen Lesley Manville 33 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,560 in an amateur production of Kinky Boots, Gerry. 34 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,120 - Frig me! Is there a homeless convention in town this week? 35 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,720 - What? - Behind you, you blind bitch. 36 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,000 If you're looking for your dad, he's over there. 37 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,240 - Don't, Wilm, he can't help it. 38 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,640 I think he's kind of cute. 39 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,480 - Fine, go ahead and shag him, then. 40 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,040 Least you won't have to pay for his taxi fare home. 41 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,720 BOTH SNIGGER 42 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,400 - Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 43 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,720 Very sorry to bother you. 44 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,280 I hope you're all having a wonderful evening. 45 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,040 But as you can probably tell from my appearance, 46 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,040 I'm sleeping on the streets at the moment. 47 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,360 I'm asking if it would be possible for any of you good people 48 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,720 to help me out with a little bit of spare change. 49 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:08,000 I'm so embarrassed to have to ask you like this, 50 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,760 but I don't have any options at the moment. 51 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,920 I'd really appreciate anything you can give 52 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,840 to help me out at this difficult time. 53 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,360 - I'm sorry, darling. - I don't have any change. 54 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,560 - No-one does. 55 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:26,720 I need a card machine. 56 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,600 - What? No, no, no, no, no. 57 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,440 What do you want to do that for, bro? 58 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,320 They can track you if you use cards. 59 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,280 - Who can? - Them, innit? They're watching us right now. 60 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,000 No cards, cash only. 61 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,600 - Do you have any cash? 62 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,000 - Uh, no. 63 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:45,920 - Here you go, dear. 64 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,040 - Oh... 65 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,200 Thank you. - Sorry it's not much. 66 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,120 - That's all right, I appreciate it. 67 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,800 - Every little helps! - Yeah? 68 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,920 - Stop it, Edie. He won't know Tesco's. 69 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,840 - I didn't mean Tesco's. 70 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,320 I was just saying it as a phrase. 71 00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,640 - Just don't get involved. 72 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,080 - CLANG 73 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:04,080 - GROANS 74 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,960 Oh! 75 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,920 Jesus! Are you OK? 76 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,320 Are you OK? - You all right, bro? 77 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:09,320 - Yeah... 78 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,320 - HE GROANS 79 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,680 HE GASPS 80 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,080 WILMA: - You are kidding me! 81 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,400 - TANNOY: - Very sorry for the power outage, 82 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,680 ladies and gentlemen. Do please sit tight 83 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,880 while we try and get things up and running again. 84 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,480 Hopefully it won't be long. 85 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:31,840 - MAN: - I heard some passengers got stuck in a tunnel 86 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:34,560 for two weeks on the Berlin U-Bahn system. 87 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,120 Power failed and they were trapped inside. 88 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,600 The authorities couldn't get to them. 89 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,320 They sat in the dark, 90 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,640 panic slowly setting in. 91 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,080 Then they ran out of water. 92 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,160 They turned on each other in the end. 93 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,080 The weakest ones got eaten. 94 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,320 - Jesus, I'd rather eat my own tits 95 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,440 than chow down on his gamey old meat. 96 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,120 Be like eating a pigeon. - Beg your pardon? 97 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:08,400 - I mean, my gag reflex is legendary, but I draw the line at that. 98 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:08,400 - Stop it! 99 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,960 - SHE LAUGHS 100 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,160 - You should have more respect. - Oh, keep your nose out, Melania Tramp, 101 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,040 or I'll put some buttons in with your change. 102 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:14,040 - What did you call me? 103 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,800 - SCREAMING 104 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,880 What is it? - Someone grabbed me. 105 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,840 - GERRY: Who did? 106 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,960 - I don't know. I don't know. 107 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,600 - You all right? - Yeah, I think so. 108 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,920 - All right. All right. 109 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,280 - They... They pulled my bag and I dropped it. Sorry. 110 00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:29,440 - Are you hurt? 111 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:30,720 - No, I don't think so. 112 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,840 - Were they going for the breasts, do you think? 113 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,400 - Gerald! - What? I'm just trying to establish the facts. 114 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,840 - What's happened now? 115 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:38,120 - We're not sure. 116 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,080 - It's a sex pest in the carriage. 117 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,160 Operates in the dark. 118 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,480 - My purse has gone. - Are you sure? 119 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,400 - Yeah, it was in here. I just had it and now it's gone. 120 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,880 - Strike that. Sex pest and thief. 121 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,360 - Will you stop saying that word? 122 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,720 - What word? Sex pest? - Yes! 123 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,640 - Sit down, please. I've got this. 124 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,040 OK, young man... 125 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:00,320 ...empty your pockets. 126 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,520 - What? 127 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,120 - Empty your pockets. 128 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,680 This lady has had her purse stolen. 129 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,800 - What's that got to do with me? 130 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,120 - I don't know yet. 131 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,760 - Why am I being singled out? 132 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,160 - HE SCOFFS 133 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,200 I don't mean to be insensitive, 134 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,560 but you're the only one begging for money here. 135 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,680 - That doesn't mean I'm a thief. 136 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,760 - Then empty your pockets. - No. 137 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,040 And she had her breast pinched. - Gerald! 138 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,360 - No, no. No-one did that. 139 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,800 - Poor woman's blotted it out. 140 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,520 Coping mechanism. 141 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,360 - Will you be quiet, please? - Sorry. 142 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,240 Honestly, sir, I haven't done nothing. - He doesn't have to 143 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,240 empty his pockets for you. You're not the police. 144 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,280 - He might be. 145 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,440 They put them on trains undercover. I've seen 'em. 146 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,960 - Look, the thief is definitely on this carriage. 147 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,080 In the absence of the law, I just want to check. 148 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,800 I'm only trying to help this lady. 149 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,200 - That's reasonable enough. 150 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,600 - Absolutely it is. 151 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,440 And if he needs strip-searching, 152 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,600 I've got some Vaseline and latex gloves in me fanny pack. 153 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,600 - She gave me ยฃ2. Why would I rob from her? 154 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,240 - Well, that's the oldest trick in the book. - What is? 155 00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,960 - You remember what happened with Sting's accountant? 156 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,200 He thought they were friends. Scammed him for six mil. 157 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,800 - It's hardly the same thing, Gerry. 158 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,160 - They always start small. 159 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,680 - I don't mind showing you my bags. 160 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,240 - Ah, there you are, you see. 161 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,760 SHOUTS: Thank you, sir. It's all perfectly fine. 162 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,040 There's nothing to hide if you've got nothing to hide. 163 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:18,040 Huh? 164 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,040 BAG RUSTLES 165 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,600 That's great. Thank you. 166 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:30,960 - I do have more. 167 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,160 - That's... HE GASPS ...fine. 168 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,400 - Don't you want to check them? 169 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,680 - No, it's OK. 170 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,720 I trust you. 171 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,560 - I wouldn't if I were you, miss. 172 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,360 - WHISPERS: - Not plugged in. 173 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,800 We don't mind being searched, do we, Edith? 174 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,240 - Well, yes, but... 175 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,160 - Just to rule ourselves out. 176 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,440 - We've been to the theatre. 177 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,200 We enjoy Gilbert and Sullivan. We're not hoodlums. 178 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,200 - Honestly, you don't have to, it's fine. 179 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,840 - Did you have much money in it? 180 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,200 - No, not much. But all my cards. 181 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,560 - Well, don't...don't use cards. 182 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,120 Why will no-one listen to me about this? 183 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,920 - And a photograph of my father which... 184 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,640 - TEARFULLY: - I wouldn't want to lose that. 185 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,800 - Well, look, I am happy to comply 186 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,720 and show that I haven't got it. 187 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,520 Edith? Edith. 188 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:23,560 - Um... 189 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,480 This is just a car coat, 190 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:26,960 so it doesn't have pockets, 191 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,920 and there is nothing in my handbag. 192 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,040 - Well, two apple cores. 193 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:31,040 - CLEARS HIS THROAT 194 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,720 You see? 195 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,600 That's what honest, decent citizens do. 196 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,760 Now... 197 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,480 ...are you going to let me check your pockets? 198 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,200 Thank you. 199 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,800 Wasn't so hard, was it? 200 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,200 - Speak for yourself, darling. I found it quite erotic. 201 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,720 - Don't be so childish. 202 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,440 - Well, I bet you've never tried to keep a tuck with a semi on. 203 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:28,600 - Shall I speak to the driver? 204 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,280 Tell him there's been an incident. 205 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,360 - Good idea. Proper authorities. 206 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,360 - What about your pockets, Chief Inspector? 207 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,080 Can we look in them? 208 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,600 - Yes. 209 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:42,760 Of course. 210 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,480 You see? 211 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,120 No-one is above the law. 212 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,080 You can't just do what you want without consequences. 213 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,760 - That's true. I snipped our neighbour's hydrangeas back 214 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,880 and they planted bamboo out of spite. 215 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,880 The drive's ruined, isn't it, Gerry? 216 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,040 - I'm afraid so. 217 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,560 It was an act of madness, 218 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,080 and now we live with the encroachment. 219 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:11,000 Shafts of it poking through the tarmac like Hydra's teeth! 220 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,880 - Have you tried boiling water? 221 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,920 - Of course we have! It can't be stopped! 222 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,040 Sorry. 223 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,760 - Who you working for? 224 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,160 - Highton Grammar. I'm a physics teacher. 225 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,400 - No, no, no, I don't trust him. 226 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,400 He's been spying on us the whole time. 227 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,680 - Don't be ridiculous. 228 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:30,160 - Yeah. You've been writing stuff down about us in code. 229 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,480 - That's a polygon. 230 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,720 - Yeah! Look - "actor", "fake", "taskforce". 231 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:35,880 - It's a puzzle. 232 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,560 You have to make words from the letters they give you. 233 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,520 - Oh, I'm good at those, let me see. 234 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,400 - You're collating. I see you collating. 235 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,440 - Collating what? 236 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,560 - Data. For them. There's a bigger picture, yeah? 237 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,160 Yeah, we're all being monitored. You must know that. 238 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,600 - Yes! It's aliens. 239 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,040 I've seen them too. 240 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:58,320 They experimented on me at a bus stop in Preston. 241 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,120 They put an R2-D2 in my bottom. 242 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,840 - To scale, obviously. 243 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,360 He's not joking. 244 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,880 - How do you know? 245 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,280 - He's got it in that bag. 246 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:22,640 Oh, my God. 247 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaking of bags, can we see inside yours? 248 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,320 - Definitely not. 249 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,000 Private property. 250 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,440 - Everybody else has. - I said no. 251 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,120 - Why not? 252 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,800 What have you got to hide? 253 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,560 - Oi, fuck off, man. 254 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:51,640 - I'm so sorry. 255 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,840 I...I didn't mean to cause this much upset. 256 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,920 - Don't worry, it's not your fault. 257 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,680 - I'm just a bit shaken. 258 00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,720 I've never had anything stolen before. 259 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,360 - Well, I'm sure the police can sort it all out. 260 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,680 We'll make a statement, won't we, Gerry? - Yes, of course. 261 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,440 - I'm sorry, but I'm not saying shit to the police. 262 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,680 I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. 263 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,280 - Hardly surprising, is it? 264 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,680 - Why'd you say that? 265 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,000 - Oh, no reason. 266 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,640 - No, go on. If you've got something to say, 267 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,040 I think you should say it. 268 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,400 - I've been a teacher for 25 years. 269 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,800 I've seen the erosion of respect for authority. 270 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,040 There was a time when I would walk into a classroom 271 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,640 and 30 students would stand up immediately. 272 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:31,200 - Oh, is that what you want? 273 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,760 "Good morning, sir." 274 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,360 - This lady is a nurse! 275 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,040 It wasn't so long ago 276 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,520 we were standing in the street applauding their efforts. 277 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,080 Or maybe you never bothered? 278 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,520 - No, maybe I never did. 279 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,520 - Do you have a list of everyone who banged a pan? 280 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,000 - Oh, the Government do. They see everything. 281 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,240 - We were out there at least three times, weren't we, Edith? 282 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,480 Although that Le Creuset was bloody heavy. 283 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:57,480 - As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 284 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,360 I've got a little list I've got a little list 285 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,440 Of society offenders who may well be underground 286 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,400 And who never would be missed 287 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,400 Who never would be missed 288 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,800 There's the pestilential... 289 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,040 - Frig me, it's like Hamilton for hobos. 290 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,400 - It's from The Mikado. - Oh! 291 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,920 - ...People who have flabby hands 292 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,760 And irritating laughs 293 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,800 All children who are up in dates and floor you... 294 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,560 - Thank you, darling. We'll let you know. 295 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,480 - All persons who in shaking hands... 296 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,440 - All right! All right, let's stop playing silly buggers. 297 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,600 Open the bag. - No. 298 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,160 - Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist, 299 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,920 because you were closest to this lady 300 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,200 when the incident occurred. - Stay the fuck away from me. 301 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,520 - They never would be missed. 302 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,680 - If... If I could make a suggestion? 303 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:43,240 Let's take a vote. See what the general feeling is. 304 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,400 - Very good, Edith. 305 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,000 Democracy manifest. 306 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,720 - Everyone who thinks... 307 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,760 Sorry, I didn't catch your name. 308 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,080 - I didn't give you my name. 309 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,640 - Well, we could vote on whether he should. 310 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,280 - No, he doesn't have to give us his name, it's fine. 311 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,160 - Harold. My name's Harold. 312 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,800 - Oh, hello, Harold. 313 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,920 I'm Edith, and this is my husband, Gerry. 314 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:04,960 - Hello. 315 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,600 - Binks. Raymond Binks. 316 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,160 - I'm Elena. 317 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,840 It's very nice to meet you all. 318 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,880 - Well, my boy name is Jonathan - urgh, gives me the ick - 319 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,360 but my drag name 320 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,880 is Wilma Dickshow. - Wilma...? 321 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,120 - Dickshow. - Right. 322 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,720 - I do a bottomless brunch first Thursday of every month 323 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,920 at the Purple Sock. I know - 324 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,480 I'll put you all on the guest list. 325 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,600 Gerry and Edith. Elena. What was your name again? 326 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,160 - I'm not giving you my name, all right? 327 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,600 - Oh, damn it. I thought I was going to Columbo him then. 328 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,800 - He doesn't have to give you his name. He doesn't have to 329 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,000 give you anything. Just because you assume authority, 330 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,960 like the fascist prick that you are. 331 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,720 - Well, when the police become involved, 332 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,240 we'll all have to give our names, won't we? 333 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,040 - I won't. - You tell him, Cleo... Oh, bum cheeks! 334 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,640 - All right, this has gone on long enough. Is there anybody here 335 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,280 who thinks I shouldn't look inside this young man's bag, 336 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,280 by force, if necessary? - Yes! 337 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,480 Come on. 338 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,720 - Well, someone's nicked her purse, darling, 339 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,000 and it wasn't me. 340 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,640 - There you are, see? 341 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,400 Hand it over. - Oi, oi! 342 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,680 What you doing, man? 343 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,720 Is no-one going to stand up to him? - Give it to me. 344 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,560 - Someone stop him! 345 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,240 - TANNOY: - Me again, folks. 346 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,680 Sorry about the continuing loss of power. 347 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,400 We should be on our way fairly shortly. 348 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,040 We are aware there's been an incident 349 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,280 in one of the carriages, 350 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,320 and the proper authorities have been informed. 351 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,520 Once again, 352 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,720 I apologise for any inconvenience caused. 353 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,000 Can I have my newspaper back, please? 354 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,040 - Oh, yes. I got "frock", unsurprisingly, 355 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,520 and "fork". 356 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,080 I wanted "cock"... 357 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,720 ...but there's only one C. 358 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,880 - Did you know that "Meryl Streep" 359 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,560 is an anagram of "try eel sperm"? 360 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,560 It's always tickled me. 361 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,800 - What did the driver say? 362 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,240 - He said there's a replacement service on the way. 363 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:45,720 Shouldn't be long now. 364 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,040 - Well, looks as though I'm going to be late for work. 365 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,600 - HE SCOFFS 366 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,120 - I'd love to be late for work. 367 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,040 My job's 24/7. 368 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,360 - Your job? 369 00:16:59,360 --> 00:16:59,360 - COINS RATTLE 370 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,640 - Surviving. 371 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,560 - Do you make much money going up and down? 372 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:12,880 - No. 373 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,720 People are just embarrassed. I get it. 374 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,320 I'm asking for generosity. 375 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,160 It puts them in the position of deciding to be kind or not. 376 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,920 - Do you think people are not kind? 377 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,560 - I think most people don't believe me 378 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,560 when I tell them I've got nothing. 379 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,720 They think it's a con, I'm just lying. 380 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:36,520 - At the hospital, I see the opposite. 381 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,360 Lots of frightened people trying to make sense 382 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,880 of what's happening to them. 383 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,320 They just really want to know 384 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,200 that everything's going to be all right, but... 385 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,640 ..sometimes they can't accept the truth. 386 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,240 - Here... 387 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,920 You can have your ยฃ2 back. 388 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,360 - Oh, no, no. You keep that. 389 00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,360 - Are you sure? - Hmm. Yeah, course. 390 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,760 Hope it brings you luck. 391 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,560 - Says here they're doing Salad Days 392 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,200 for their Christmas show. Shall we book for that, Edie? 393 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,080 Boxing Day treat? - Hmm? 394 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,080 - Shall we book Salad Days for Christmas? 395 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,640 - No. I don't want to see Salad Days. 396 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,080 - What's the matter? 397 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,080 - I think that man's a bully. 398 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,720 - Who? - The teacher. 399 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,800 Why do we always let people like him bully us? 400 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,480 We're people in our own right. 401 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,800 We have our own opinions. 402 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,200 - Yes, of course we do, but we don't have to blurt them out 403 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,400 to every Tom, Dick and Harold, do we? 404 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,360 - I don't know. I think we just sunk into ourselves. 405 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,600 Anything for a quiet life. 406 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,960 - Well, there's nothing wrong with that, is there? 407 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,880 - What happened to you, Gerald? 408 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,560 You used to be such a firebrand. 409 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,600 When you had that trouble at work, 410 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,280 you were the first one to lead your team out on strike. 411 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,160 Standing there with your whistle and your megaphone. 412 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,800 - That was a long time ago, Edie. 413 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,040 - I came and brought you soup. 414 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,440 Do you remember? 415 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,720 In a big pot with a ladle. 416 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,040 And we all sang that song from Oliver! 417 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,840 Food Glorious Food. 418 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,000 - What is it, love? 419 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,080 What's the matter? 420 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,160 - I want more, Gerry. 421 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,760 I want more! 422 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,480 - MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES 423 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,560 Here, it's your favourite. 424 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:41,320 All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor's Version) (From the Vault). 425 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,000 What? 426 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,160 You're not going to have an eppy 427 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,360 because I didn't put my hand up, are you? 428 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,320 - I can't believe you'd let him get away with that. 429 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,920 - Oh, Cleo, come down off your high horse, darling. 430 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,240 It's exhausting. 431 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,080 - He assaulted those two young men. 432 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,080 - Yeah, and we had front-row seats. 433 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,560 Lucky us. 434 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,240 It's not every day you get a free sex show 435 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,520 on your train ride home, is it? 436 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,760 I should have filmed it for OnlyFans - 437 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,920 The Teacher, The Tramp And The Terrorist. 438 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,120 - He's not a terrorist. Why is he a terrorist? 439 00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:12,400 - He was clinging onto that bag 440 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,080 tighter than Judy Finnegan to a wine glass. 441 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,040 And I bet he grew that beard 442 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,880 to hide his face from the cameras. 443 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,320 - Not everyone with a bag and a beard is a terrorist, Wilma. 444 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,920 - Yeah, and not everyone 445 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,840 who tapes their knob to their arsehole 446 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,200 is a drag queen but... You know. 447 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,560 - I think she may be right. - Thank you. 448 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,640 - Where are you heading to? 449 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,000 - None of your business, man. 450 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,080 - You didn't seem to know the area, that's all. 451 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,040 - Look, I'm not explaining myself to you. I'm not on trial, 452 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,560 I'm not at school. I've done nothing wrong. 453 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,760 - "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." 454 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,040 Shakespeare. 455 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,400 - Well, they're sending somebody to help us. 456 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,760 Maybe we should just wait. 457 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,240 - Yeah. 458 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:50,480 - HOMELESS MAN: - Well, I believe him. 459 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,560 - Thank you. 460 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,840 - Not you. Him. - Oh. 461 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,160 That's not a particularly glowing endorsement 462 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,800 coming from a common thief. 463 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,680 - I'm not a thief. 464 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:03,120 - Crawling up and down the train carriage all day, 465 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,920 begging for change! 466 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,120 You work your fingers to the bone! 467 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,640 - Shut your mouth! 468 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,840 I'm with you. Someone's got to stand up to the man. 469 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,360 - Exactly. And he's been lording it 470 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,360 over us this whole time like he's better than us. 471 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,360 Well, you're not! And the rest of you 472 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,480 can sit there and do nothing 473 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,560 but I'm taking affirmative action. 474 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,120 - HE LAUGHS 475 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:26,520 There's still more of us than there are of you. 476 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,000 - No, there isn't. 477 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,920 Excuse me. 478 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,160 - Edith, what are you doing? 479 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,440 - I think you're a bully, 480 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,800 and I don't think it's fair, what you've been doing. 481 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,840 - Look, look, look. I want another vote. 482 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,320 If the majority of people want to see inside this bag, 483 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,840 then you can, and I won't stop you. 484 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,960 - Good, because I do. 485 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:51,080 Squash this little rebellion 486 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,160 and then prove that I'm right. 487 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,680 Gerald? 488 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,880 - I agree. 489 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,480 - Elena? 490 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,280 - Sorry. 491 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,560 - And... 492 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:18,800 ...this gentleman? 493 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,720 - Oh, my gosh, it's come all down to me. 494 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,000 It's like Kramer Vs Kramer. 495 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,440 Who do I choose? 496 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,040 Ickle, ockle, chocolate bottle, ickle, ockle, out, 497 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,960 turn the dirty dishcloth inside out. 498 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,200 - Everything's just a big fucking joke 499 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,440 to you, isn't it, Jonathan? 500 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,800 - Um, pretty much, yeah. 501 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,000 - You can't see through all those fake lashes and mascara 502 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,440 that here, in the real world, 503 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,040 there is injustice happening everywhere you look. 504 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,080 And if you thought about anybody else but yourself 505 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,880 for at least 30 seconds, you'd realise that! 506 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,880 - Oh, I know all about the real world, 507 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,200 Cleopatra, darling. 508 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,520 I've been laughed at, beaten up, 509 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,920 had dog shit pushed through my letterbox. 510 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,320 There's no need to tell me about injustice. 511 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:10,360 And if I want to paint my face and lip-sync to Lady Gaga, 512 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,600 then that's just my way of dealing with it, 513 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,360 all right? Just like yours 514 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,240 is rebelling against your posh-as-fuck upbringing 515 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,080 by getting a little nose-ring and tottering after me 516 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,720 like the ghastly little fag hag that you are. 517 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,400 I'm with you, Daddy. 518 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,320 - When did you get so mean? 519 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,640 - Blessed are the mean, 520 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,960 for they will inherit the earth. 521 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,720 - CLANKING 522 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:50,160 - Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, 523 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,640 for they will be killed. 524 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,200 - Hey, you can look inside now. 525 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,240 - Blessed are the merciful, 526 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:03,080 for they will be shown no mercy. 527 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,480 - What is this? 528 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,400 - Blessed are the pure in heart... 529 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:15,560 ..for they will see...God. 530 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,200 - What the fuck? 531 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,520 - Gerry? 532 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,080 - Put them on. You've got about 20 seconds. 533 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,960 - Harold and I don't need them. 534 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,960 - What's happening, Gerry? 535 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,480 - It's all right, Edie. Deep breaths. 536 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:50,560 It doesn't hurt. 537 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,960 - HISSING 538 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,080 COUGHING 539 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,080 MUFFLED CRIES FOR HELP 540 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,040 HISSING CONTINUES 541 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,040 EDITH: - Gerry! 542 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,320 - Help us! 543 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:14,880 Help! 544 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,400 EDITH: - Gerry! 545 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,040 - COUGHING AND GASPING 546 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,880 - Gerry! 547 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:35,800 - HISSING STOPS 548 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,440 CLEARS HIS THROAT 549 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,440 - Sorry about the inconvenience. 550 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,680 The purse was just an inciting incident. 551 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,920 Oh, you can take these off now. It's fine. 552 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,800 - INHALES SHARPLY 553 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,000 - It's fine. 554 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,720 No hard feelings, eh? 555 00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,600 - W-What's going on? 556 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,320 - Well, we implement this action from time to time. 557 00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,120 Swap out the disruptors, 558 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,400 anybody who challenges the status quo. 559 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,200 But you all have nothing to worry about. 560 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,640 - What do you mean? 561 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,200 - Now, if you could just sign here. 562 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,840 It just confirms that you took no part in today's events 563 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,560 as they never actually happened. 564 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,000 Oh, and tick the box if you'd be interested in helping us 565 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,480 in the future. We really need people like you, 566 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,120 Elena, actually. 567 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,640 People who don't get involved. 568 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,840 Thanks. 569 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,320 Great. 570 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,000 - What about these people? 571 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,720 - Well, you can see them. 572 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,600 They're right here. 573 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,040 Only now, like you... 574 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,960 - WHISPERS: - ..they wouldn't say boo to a goose. 575 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,080 Isn't that right, Gerry? 576 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,040 - Oh, that's right, sir. 577 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,320 - Great. Great. 578 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,320 - TANNOY CHIMES 579 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,640 - We do apologise for the delay 580 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,320 in your replacement service today. 581 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,600 This was due to an earlier disruption on the line 582 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,040 which has now been rectified. 583 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,520 We do hope you have a safe onwards journey. 584 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,480 - Hey, guys. Um, just three people today, 585 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:10,720 two females and a male. 586 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,680 Yep, great. 587 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,000 - Edith? 588 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,200 - Yes? 589 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:30,560 - When we get home, shall we book to see Salad Days? 590 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,120 - Yes, I think we should. 591 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,880 - TANNOY: - If you see something that doesn't look right, 592 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:41,480 speak to staff or text British Transport Police on 61016 593 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,280 and we'll sort it. 594 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:44,480 See it. 595 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,720 Say it. 596 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:49,920 Sorted. 597 00:27:49,970 --> 00:27:54,520 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43047

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