All language subtitles for Dr Jackie s02e03.eng

(upbeat music plays)

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash,
pretending to be classy ♪

♪ But just poor white trash

♪ The tragic but true fact is a
bitter aging actresses agent ♪

♪ Just recently dropped her

♪ Sitting on her ass
drinking cheap box wine ♪

♪ Until she took a bogus
class while home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came
in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls
herself a doctor ♪

(bell dings)

♪ Who would've guess that
this phony would treat? ♪

♪ The craziest of
the show is elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing
more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is her slutty
blonde assistant ♪

♪ That dumb horse, Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist ♪

(door shuts closed)

(upbeat music plays)

- Oh, good morning Sherry.

- Good morning, black Philip.

- What?

- Wait a minute. You
actually got my name right?

What's wrong?

- Nothing is wrong.

For your information,

I happen to be in a
very good mood today.

- Why? Who died?

- It's time for your annual
employee performance evaluation.

- Alright, you know what?

Why don't we turn the tables
around and I critique you,

unless of course you're scared

about a little
constructive criticism.

- As long as it's constructive.

- You suck.

(audience gasps)

- Excuse me.

- You have it so easy.

I mean, all you do is sit there,

pretend to listen to people's
problems for $400 an hour.

- Yeah, and all you have to do
is pretend to file paperwork

and talk on the phone
for minimum wage.

(both sigh)

- [Sherry And Jackie] I
wish I could switch places

with you for just one day.

(Jackie and Sherry moan)

(stars colliding)

(explosion)

What the fuck just
happened? Oh my God.

I am you. This is just like
that movie Freaky Friday.

Except today is Wednesday.

Oh, I have an idea.

Let's call it Wiggy Wednesday,

because essentially
we only switched wigs.

I love it.

Stop.

No, really Stop.

- What kind of
fresh hell is this?

- This is a nightmare.

- [Sherry And Jackie]
What are we gonna do?

- While you are with
my first appointment?

I will be online
trying to figure out how to switch us back.

- Oh, oh surely, any
last minute advice?

- Just nod a lot and
fill your coffee cup

with what's in my left
hand bottom drawer.

(upbeat music plays)

(keyboard keys clacking)

(Larry knocks)

- Hey, Sherry, is my mom around?

- Not now. Stupid. I'm busy.

- Is Sherry mad at me?

(Larry grunts)

- It's empty.

- Oh, sorry. It's
been a rough week.

I have more in my secret
stash. I'll get it.

- Oh, hey Mom.

- Mom? Oh, right,

because, alright, gloomy Gus,
what do you want Bat Wing?

- Bat Wing?

But you always call me Larry
when you know that I hate that.

- Fine. What do you want, Larry?

- No, no.

You just called
me by my goth name

and you were actually
going to listen to me.

What the fuck is going on?

- Have you seen that
movie Freaky Friday?

- That mainstream piece of crap?

- You know the part
where the mother

and the daughter switch places

and you think, oh, that
could never happen.

Well, it did with
your mom and me.

- No way. I knew you were
being too nice to me.

And I think that's
why I love that movie,

because I knew that
it could happen

- Right. So do you maybe
know how it can unhappen?

- You mean reverse the curse?
- Yes.

- Oh, sure. That's easy.

First, I light the black candle.

(lighter flame flicks)

(suspenseful music plays)

And then I have you read
this incantation I found.

- Okay.

(suspenseful music
continues playing)

If you ever find
you've switched places,

basically just wigs,

not faces with your
loud bitchy boss

and you are at a loss reading
this, all that erases.

(candle flame explodes)

(Jackie and Sherry
gasp and cheer)

- Thank God.

- Actually, he's not the
one you should be thanking.

- Huh? But I'm me again.

- Oh,

and not a moment too soon,
your next appointment is here.

Now Batwing, time to run along.

Mommy's got work to do.

- Thank you. Great job.

And speaking of jobs,
I'm gonna go do mine.

- And I'm gonna do mine.

- [Sherry And Jackie]
That's the lesson.

Stop.

(upbeat music plays)

(keyboard clacking)

(bell dings)

- Hello, Amanda.

How are you today?

- I'm fine, thank
you. How are you?

- Actually, I'm kind of
going through it right now.

If you really
wanna know. I mean-

- Excuse me.

I'm sorry. I'm paying
for this session. So-

- What's the problem?

- Married with Children.

- Say no more. Let me guess.

You, uh, married young.

Probably the first
guy you ever screwed,

your high school
sweetheart. Am I right?

And next thing you know,
you've got a couple of kids,

two, three kids,

stupid, ugly kids asking
you questions like,

mom, why do men have nipples?

You know, that kind of crap.

And it has left
you asking yourself

one very important question.

Why?

- No.
- No?

- No.

Married with Children is the
name of the television show

that I was on for many years.

- Wait. Oh my God. I thought
I recognized you, Marcy.

- You know the show?

- Do I know the show? Oh my God.

Married With Children
was the first big hit

for the then
fledgling Fox Network.

- Yeah, well,
that's the problem.

It was a big part of my life.

And I am debating whether
or not to write a book.

- Oh, a vegan cookbook?

- No, about my
life in Hollywood.

(Jackie sighs)

- Wait. Your life in Hollywood?

I mean, please don't
take this the wrong way,

but let's be honest.

I mean, you're pretty much only
famous for that one TV show,

unless of course you count
the movie Fright Night,

which I think you should.

Because honey, that movie
was fucking amazing.

My master will kill you slowly.

Oh, so slowly.

- Yeah.

- That wasn't your line, but
I don't remember any of your-

- [Amanda] Okay. Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.

But really, after
Married with Children,

I made a conscious
choice to quit acting.

- Yes. Tell people that,

- Well, I did so
that I could continue

to pursue a career in directing,

which I'd started on that set.

But Married with
Children, it was tough

because the set was dripping
with toxic masculinity.

- Ew.

- Well, not literally,
except for that one time.

- Okay. Say no more Marcy.
- It's Amanda.

- Exactly. I feel like maybe
you're stuck in the past,

so I just feel
like maybe we need

to go back in time, if you will,

and get it all out

because you're in pain,

mm-hm,

down here and up here.

Maybe even a little like, right,

it doesn't matter
where the pain is.

Now tell me, was there
at least one person

on the Married with Children set

that you could confide in,
somebody that you trusted?

- Yeah, it, it was my friend.

- Shh, I think I know
who it was. Don't move.

I will be right back for
some much needed role playing

and retroactive healing.

(clock ticking)

(upbeat music plays)

Hey, Marcy. I mean,
Amanda, it's me. Peg.

- Wow, that, that's
a lot to process.

- Yeah. Well, let's move it
because I need to get home.

I wanna watch that
episode of Roseanne

that everybody's talking about.

She kisses Mariel
Hemingway on the mouth

and get this, they
both have vaginas.

- As a lesbian.
- Lesbian?

- Don't even get me
started on that kiss.

And really, the one
person I could confide in

on Married with
Children was not Peg,

it was a production
assistant named Carl.

- Carl?

Okay. Can just for the, can
we just pretend like Carl

had big red hair
with bangs and tits?

Because I am not changing again,

and I'm certainly not
gonna play some dude,

that would be weird.

So I'm Carl, your p.a.
friend. Talk to me.

- God, anything to
get this over with.

Okay, Carl. You know, you have
to admit, it was the nineties

and behind the scenes
on Married with Children

there was some stuff that just,
it just really wasn't okay.

- Listen, I'm Carl and I get it.

You're my best friend, Amanda.

- Oh.

- Alright. I mean, listen,

when you know better,
you do better.

So why don't we just
focus on the fact

that the entertainment industry

and the world as a
whole is a better place,

a more respectful place
than it used to be.

- You know, you're,
you're kind of right.

- I am? I mean, I am.

- Hollywood has seen
some improvement,

but I am still waiting
to tell my story.

Someday in the future.

- And speaking of the
future, on your way out,

I think that you
should stop and talk

to my receptionist, Shirley,

and book yourself at
least six future sessions.

So you can finally
come out of the closet.

- Bitch, please. I
came out in 1993.

- Oh, well work.

Well then would you at
least kiss me on the mouth?

- What?

- Well, I just, you know,

I thought this show's
doing pretty good.

I mean, we got a
second season right?

But we could really
send it over the top

and make it even more popular
if we freaked people out

with a little hot girl on girl.

You know, juicy tonsil hockey.

(Jackie laughs)

- It's 2023. We could be
scissoring on your desk.

The sisters are doing
it for themselves,

dressed like Thelma and Louise,

and nobody would
give a flying fuck.

Except Florida,
Tennessee, Texas.

- Texas.

- Jesus. Alright, now I'm
depressed. Thanks a lot.

- Depressed? I can help with
that. Book another session.

Yeah. Deary, can you tell
me what scissoring is?

Probably just means giving each
other really short haircut.

Oh my God. Oh wow. Okay.
Well, that's what people do.

That's what those people do.

(door slams shut)

(telephone rings)

Hello?

(telephone rings)

Oh shit.

This is Dr. Jackie.

- Hi, Dr. Jackie. It's
me. It's Cecily Strong.

- Hey girl, what's up?

- Well, I'm just calling
because I'm getting really sick

and tired of people just
assuming they know me.

- What do you mean?

- Well, for some reason,

like everyone thinks
I'm this in control,

take no prisoners thick-skinned,
A-type personality.

When in reality I'm
actually quite sensitive.

- Honey, have you ever
stopped to think that

that's maybe on account of
your name, Cecily Strong?

I mean, you walk into a room

and you're essentially
announcing,

hi everyone, my name is
Cecily and I'm strong.

- I don't think
that's how that works.

- Cecily, please don't
tell me how this works.

I mean, do I tell
you how comedy works?

- To be fair, you did
try that one time.

- You know what?

That joke about the
eggplant was cheap, lazy,

and beneath you.

Now, I think you should
seriously consider

changing your name
to Cecily Sensitive.

- Cecily Sensitive?

- That way when you
walk into a room,

everybody immediately
knows exactly who

and what they're dealing with.

- Okay. Alright. Bye
- Bye. Cecily Sensitive.

- Jesus. Cecily's Sensitive?

That's the dumbest fucking
thing I've ever heard.

- What? Cecily Honey,
I can still hear you.

- Oh, yes. No, hon. I
know that. I was kidding.

It was comedy. It was comedy.

- Uh huh.

- Okay. All right. Well,
okay. Bye-Bye for real.

(phone beeps)

- Bitch sounds
pretty strong to me.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, welcome back
from lunch, Dr. Jackie.

- Oh, thank you.
I felt so guilty

for making you
work through lunch

that I actually brought you
a spicy chicken sandwich

with seasoned curly fries.

- Oh, that is so sweet of you.

But I brought my
own lunch from home.

- You did?

- I brought myself
a great big salad.

- Oh my God. Is
that a cockroach?

- No, that is a very
expensive handcrafted

small batch black olives, silly.

- Um, Sherry, very
expensive, handcrafted,

small batch black olives do
not have legs and antenna here.

- Ew.

- Here. Who's my
next appointment?

- Another drag queen.

- Another drag queen?

You know, ever since I
helped that one drag queen

with her very low self-esteem

and debilitating shyness,

all the drag queens
are coming to me.

What was her name again?

- RuPaul.

- Right. What's the name
of today's drag queen?

- Manila Luzon.

(Jackie chuckles and laughs)

- Oh my God.
- What?

- She is got the words man
and lose right in her name.

I crack myself up.

- Well, that's all that counts.

Alright, I'll send her
in when she gets here.

- That's your job.

(upbeat music plays)

(keyboard clacking)

Hello Manila. I am Dr.
Jackie, registered trademark

and welcome to my
office as seen on TV.

- Oh, thank you. I had, I had
no idea that you were on TV.

- Oh, no. Yes.

I appear on Good Morning
USA quite frequently.

It's how most of my new
patients hear of me.

- Oh, well, it was my friend.
He suggested I come see you.

- Oh. Do you mind me asking who?

I'll give them a
referral discount.

- Oh, well, I'm not
really comfortable saying,

but he did tell me
that you'd helped him

with his terrible nightmares

and his struggles with
imposter syndrome.

- Oh, it's that chubby redheaded
guy who does the scat porn

while wearing the clown
mask, Freddie Mills.

- Freddie does porn?

- So why are you here?

And remember, this
is a safe place.

- Clearly.

Well, it's quite
simple. I can't sleep.

- Just not sleeping well
or not sleeping at all?

- Oh, not sleeping at all.

- Oh, how many nights
haven't you slept?

- Oh, I haven't slept
for three whole nights.

- That's not good.

- Yeah, I know that.
That's why I came here.

- Let me ask you,

have you recently started
using cocaine or meth?

- Oh, no. Nothing of the sort.
I don't even drink coffee.

- Are you maybe experiencing
more stress than usual?

- No, I'm super
busy at the moment,

but I've always, I've
always thrived on that.

- Me too. Right now I'm
training for a walk-a-thon

to benefit the lazy eye fund.

I'm re-watching all four
seasons of small wonder

and I'm going
through all my shoes

and getting rid of
anything I haven't worn

in the past couple of years no
matter how much I love them.

(Jackie laughs)

Busy, busy.

- I'm busy too. I just
signed with Warner Music,

my TV show Dragged In,

just got picked up
for a second season.

And I've been
promoting my new vodka.

Serve Manila Luzon
pineapple flavored vodka.

(crowd cheers)

- Did I mention that
I'm in the middle

of a brutal shoe purge?

So no coke, no meth,
not under any stress.

Don't worry. I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this mystery

or my spirit animal
isn't Jessica Fletcher?

- Who's Jessica Fletcher?

She's the mystery writer

and amateur sleuth played
by Angela Lansbury,

God bless her soul, on the
hit TV show Murder She Wrote,

which ran for 12 seasons
from 1984 to 1996.

And she is my spirit animal.

- Well, maybe, maybe you don't
want to say spirit animal.

That term is sacred to the
Native American people.

So you flippantly using it

might be considered
cultural appropriation.

- You know what?
Maybe you can't sleep

because you're so busy
being the word police.

Now let me ask you, have
you ever been hypnotized?

- No.

- Well, you are in luck

because you are looking at
a licensed hypnotherapist.

Well, one more class
and I'll be licensed.

But you know how
those seminars are.

They teach you all
the important stuff

at the very
beginning, am I right?

And now, if you will
kindly sign this waiver,

let's see if we can bring
this dangerous, unhealthy bout

of insomnia to an end.

- If I thought it
would help me sleep,

I'd let you hit
me with a hammer.

(Jackie laughs)

- Don't be ridiculous.
I would never do that.

Not after what
happened the last time.

- What?

- Alright, now I just
need you to focus

on the swinging talisman,

which if you think about
it, would be a dynamite name

for a pagan singles bar.

(Jackie laughs)

Yes. Back and and
forth, back and forth.

You should be
feeling very tired.

- I'm not.

- Well, maybe give it more
than five seconds, huh?

Back and forth right
about now your eyelid

should be getting very heavy.

- Or not.

- Well, that's some good
news and some bad news.

The good news is that if your
eyelids aren't getting heavy,

it means that the eyeshadow
you're wearing right now

probably doesn't contain lead.

- Good to know.

- And the bad news is
that maybe you're part

of the 90% of the population
who can't be hypnotized.

- 90%?

- Yeah. Can you believe it?

Let's try something else.

This is a video

of my receptionist, Shirley,
performing standup, a comedy

at an open mic
night here in town.

- And what is it with
airline peanuts? Huh?

I mean, if I wanted to get
all excited about a tiny bag

that had two stale
salty nuts in it,

I'd tea bag my
boyfriend, am I right?

She knows what I'm talking
about. What's your name?

(crowd boos)

- Dr. Jackie.

- Let's hire Manila
for diversity.

- What?
- Nothing.

- Well, I'm afraid
this is not working.

- Really?

- Maybe I could just
take a sleeping pill.

- Absolutely not young lady.

Let me tell you a little story

about just taking a
sleeping pill, pill pill.

- Why? Why'd you say
that three times?

- Because it's a
flashback, stupid.

(sparkling sound plays)

A long time ago, back
when I was in college,

no, I don't want to say I'm old,

but our school mascot
was a wooly mammoth.

Well, I'd been up
for a few days.

Not unlike what you are
going through right now,

cramming for finals, guzzling
the strong black Java

and hitting the textbooks,

most of which have
since been banned.

But that's another story.

Anyway, next thing I knew, it
was the night before test day.

My head was like a
pinball machine pinging

with countless equations,
facts, and historical dates.

I was exhausted, but
I couldn't sleep.

So I took a sleeping pill.

Actually, I took
three sleeping pills.

I slept and slept and slept
right through my final exams.

And as a result, I
flunked all my classes

and eventually dropped
out of college.

For years I floundered
from job to job,

truck stop, waitress, meter
maid, editor in chief of Vogue.

It took almost a decade

before I found my way here in
this office, behind this desk,

helping people like you.

So you see-

That's it my tired
little angel, sleep.

(Jackie giggles)

Sleep. I'll see
you in the morning.

(Jackie giggles)

(lullaby music plays)

(Manila snores)

(keyboard clacking)

(bell dings)

(rooster singing)

- What day is it?

400 dol, eight hours
at $400 an hour?

- [Jackie] Pay up. Bitch.

(upbeat music plays)

(door slams shut)

- Thanks Jackie. I
took up your advice

and told my boyfriend

about that illicit backstage
get down we had one time

and he got so excited about it

that all he can talk about

is having a three-way
with the two of us.

But I just told him to Google
you and take care of himself.

But then he just strapped
an iPad around my head

with your face on it and
that seems to work fine.

So I can just close my eyes

and he thinks he is getting
it on with two of us.

So it works. You're wonderful.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0