All language subtitles for Dr Jackie s02e02.eng

(upbeat music)

♪ She was unemployed,
unhappy, she had no cash ♪

♪ Pretending to be classy,
but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact
is a bitter aging actress ♪

♪ Whose agent just
recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass
drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ 'Til she took a bogus
class while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came
in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls
herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of
the shelf is elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more
distant and more scary is ♪

♪ her slutty blonde assistant,
that dumb whore, Sherry. ♪

♪ You don't wanna be
honor client list. ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist. ♪

- Good morning.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I
was walking into my office,

but I obviously stumbled
into the Barbie Dream House.

(sniffing)

- Do I smell donuts?

- You certainly do. My
adorable little bloodhound.

- Yay.

Oh, wait a minute. Now,
are these real donuts,

or is it like a candle
that smells like donuts?

Because this one time I went
over to a friend's house

and I walked in and I
was like, oh my God, is

that my all time favorite
freshly baked banana nut bread?

And she was all like,
no, it's just a candle

that smells like freshly
baked banana nut bread.

Needless to say, I
was very disappointed.

- The donuts are real.

- Yay. Wait, wait, wait.

I'm in intermittent
fasting so I can only eat

between 9 and 9:15 AM.

- Oh, well, it's
9:14, so you better-

Oh my God.

Okay. But you know
what? When you're done,

can you please
hide those donuts?

Because remember, this morning
is my very first meeting

of those really sad,
pathetic, fat people.

- How could I forget?

You made me get rid
of all the hard candy

and mints from your office.

Put a lock on the mini fridge

and reinforce the
chairs and sofa.

- You know, if I were unethical,
I would put this big box

of deep fried sugar

encrusted carbs right in
the middle of my desk.

So those poor people
would cheat on their diets

and have to come back to me
week after week after week.

- So don't put
them on your desk?

- Just hide them like I said.

And Sherry, they're going to
be here any minute so quick,

put on my coat so
you don't look so

annoyingly,
judgmentally, skinny.

- Oh, good idea.

I don't wanna hurt
anyone's feelings.

- Of course not.

- My God.

- What?

You look like a big fat girl.

(both laughing)

- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Welcome everyone, to
our very first meeting

of The Chunk Challenge.

- Wait a minute, I
thought that this group

was called Fierce and Flabulous?

- You told me it was
called Large and In Charge.

- I thought it was
Positively Plump?

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. All of
those names were already taken.

So, as you probably
already know,

from my many bus
bench ads around town,

I am Dr. Jackie.

Why don't we go around the room

and each introduce ourselves.

Teddy?

- Hi, I am International
Drag Superstar, Ginger Minj.

- Hi, Ginger, welcome.

- I am Teddy Margas,
actor and comedian.

- Hi Teddy.
- Hi Teddy.

- Welcome.

- Hi, everyone. I'm Jazzy.

I am a biracial,
bisexual standup comic.

- Hi, Jazzy. Welcome.

Great to meet you all,

and congratulations
for just being here.

You know, it takes a lot of guts

to simply suit up and show up.

So, hey, why don't we
give ourselves a big

round of applause right now?

And I'm so sorry if the words
big and round trigger anyone.

You know, as Dr. Steven
Hawking himself said,

"the journey of a thousand
miles starts with one step."

- Dr. Jackie, that
was Confucius.

- Oh, I can see where
it would be confusing.

I mean, he said it while he
was sitting in a wheelchair.

What I mean is, today is the
first step on your journey

to a thinner, healthier you.

- Huh?

- A slimmer, slender you
is right around the corner.

- What?

Being a fucked up fatty will
soon be a thing of the past.

- Excuse me.
- What did she say?

- Fucked up fatty.

- I'm sorry. Are you all
having trouble hearing me?

- No. Dr. Jackie, we
hear you loud and clear,

but I have to admit, the things

that we are hearing from
you are rather disturbing.

- Oh, that's perfectly normal.

I mean, listen, spiritual
growth, especially when combined

with physical shrinking can
oftentimes feel, did you say

that you are biracial?

- Yeah. 20% Asian.

Papers are in the purse
if you need to see 'em.

- Oh no, it's fine.

Like I said, this process may
be a little painful at times,

but thanks to my mandatory
low calorie meals,

ergonomically designed exercise
equipment and my stylish

but breathable workout wear
made from ethically sourced

cotton in China, all available
to you at an additional cost,

your healing transformations
will not only be

successful, but fun.

- Low calorie meals?
- Exercise equipment?

- Workout wear?

- Yes. Now, the very first step

to accepting the
chunk challenge is

to share a
humiliating experience

that maybe was a direct
result of your extra weight.

Teddy?

- Hi. Bestselling author
as Ginger Minj here.

Dr. Jackie? I don't have
any of those stories.

- Well, let me help you.
Perhaps you were on an airplane

and you could barely
fit in the seat.

- Oh, no. I fly first class.

- Okay. But you're never
gonna get better if you refuse

to go there, Ginger.

No pain, no gain,
no pun intended.

Teddy, tell us your
most painful memory.

- Come to think of it, I can't
think of anything either.

- Oh, Teddy, the memory
may be buried very deep

and you may have
trouble seeing it.

You know, like
when you look down

to look at your feet,
let me guide you.

Have you ever been
hired for a job

and then quickly realized that
you were really only hired

because of how big you are?

And the entire project
was really just one

long fat joke?

- You mean like this
job right now, Jackie?

- First of all, it's Dr. Jackie.

And second of all, we're
not talking about right now,

we're talking about digging
up pain from the past.

So you people feel so
bad about yourselves,

you'll keep coming
here and buy my stuff.

My garage is full of it. I
really need to get rid of it.

Biracial, what about you?

- What about me?
- Have you ever been told

by a standup comedy club owner?

Hey, sorry, Jazzy, I can't
hire you for this show.

'cause I already have one
chunky chick in the lineup.

And frankly, if I could be
perfectly honest with you,

the normal audience gets
really uncomfortable

if we have more than one.

- No.

- Okay. Okay.

Listen, I realize that
denial can be a very powerful

and effective
survival technique.

But as Martha Stewart says,

"if you wanna make some omelets,

you better yell at an
assistant to crack some eggs."

And I am so sorry if eggs are
a binge food for any of you.

- Hi, Danny DeVito, body
double Ginger Minj here.

And I just wanted to
say, I really don't think

that this is the
right group for me.

I'm not looking to lose weight.

I just thought that, you know,

maybe we could all come together

and share our experiences
in a safe space

where we could uplift
and empower each other.

- God, that sounds so beautiful.

But how am I supposed
to make money off that?

Oh my God.

Did I just say that out loud?

- You did.

Look, I have an idea.

- Take a snack break.
- No.

How about we go
around the group again

and we share another
instance where

our size has affected our lives,

but this time not
necessarily a negative way

or in a humiliating way?

- In a positive way.
- In a positive way.

- I like it. Teddy.

- I'll go first since
I was on Drag Race.

- Sounds fair.

- So recently this very famous

designer hit me
up and said, girl,

I love your body positivity.

I want to make you
a couture gown.

He was obsessed with
making me the most

amazing dress I'd ever seen.

I put it on and I felt like
a, oh, like a supermodel.

Dr. Jackie. Are you all right?

- Yes, I'm fine. I just, I
just got something in my eye.

It's a tear.

Teddy tough act to follow.

- Well, I have a,
like a slutty story.

- Oh, okay.

- I love a slutty story.

- Alright. I was out
this past weekend

for happy hour at
the local gay bar.

When out of the
corner of my eye,

I saw this big beefy hunk
come walking towards me.

And he comes up to me and
he says, "Finally, a man

with a little meat
on his bones."

Well, long story short,
we went back to his place

and the sex was amazing.

- Oh my God. That's like one
of those Hallmark movies.

But with anal sex.

Jazzy, what about you?

- Again, I don't have
a specific story.

I love my life
and I love myself.

If anyone thinks that
they're better than me

for any reason at all,
they can just fuck off.

I mean, I'm sorry. Who do
you think is better in bed?

Someone who eats nothing
but quinoa and kale?

Or someone who likes some
pizza and ice cream, you know?

- Yas, mama.

- Okay, good point.

But I mean, let's not throw all
skinny people under the bus.

- No.

- We have problems too.

(crickets chirping)

I want to thank you so much

for telling your
personal stories.

You opened your hearts and
in turn, you opened my eyes.

You are all beautiful,

and healthy,

and happy.

I just always assumed that
fat people were miserable.

- Are you miserable?
- I'm sorry?

- Uh, Dr. Jackie, you're
not exactly a size two.

- What? Wait a
minute. I'm confused.

- You're fat, bitch.

- Wait!

What?

- One of us.

One of us.

One of us!

- No!

Dr. Jackie, how may I help you?

- Hey, Dr. Jackie
it's me, Parker Posey.

- Oh, hey, Parker.

How are you? Do you need
help figuring out how

to watch a TV show
you're in again?

- No. I had my neighbor
print out instructions

and tape them to the back
of the remote control.

- Oh, okay. So what's up?

- I just had lunch with a
bunch of younger friends

and they were all
making fun of me

because my cell phone is so old.

- Well, that's not nice.

- I know, right? And they were
mercilessly mocking the fact

that I'm so low tech.

I mean, one of them even
called me a Luddite.

I'm not that bad. I'm
not gonna apologize

for not being on my
phone twenty four seven.

You know? And I go everywhere

and I see these people all
on their phones not talking

to each other on these
demonic contraptions

that they're holding
in their hands.

- Yes. It's a real problem.

- Yeah. And newsflash kids,
Lawrence of Arabia, wasn't made

to be watched on something
the size of a graham cracker.

- Honey, kids today aren't
watching Lawrence of Arabia.

They're watching TikToks.

- What's TikToks?
Is that a movie?

I haven't seen it. Is it Marvel?

- No, it's-
- And the worst part about all

of this is the fact that I had-

- Parker, honey, I think
maybe you hit the mute button.

- Am I right or am I right?
- You're right.

- I have to say this, this
whole thing has been an epiphany

for me because

I've never told anyone
this Dr. Jackie, but I-

- Parker, are you there?

Oh, well, she'll probably
write me a letter about it.

Hey, Shirley, I'm back

and I brought you
some yummy leftovers.

Hey, wait a minute.
You're not Shirley.

- No. And neither is Shirley.
See, it's actually Sherry.

- Oh, wait a minute. What is
going on? Where is Shirley?

- Again, it's Sherry, but
I am her sister Calpernia.

Don't worry, she'll
be back bright

and early tomorrow morning.

It's a very simple procedure.

And in the meantime, I'm here

to make sure everything
runs smoothly.

We've met before, remember?

- Oh, yes. And in the
brief time you were here,

the office ran with
such professionalism

and efficiency that

for a moment I thought
maybe I was dreaming.

And then that dream quickly
turned into a nightmare when you

explained that you had to
leave by a certain time

so you could attend
your Q Anon meeting.

I don't know exactly
how to say this,

but as I told your sister,

- Sherry.
- Sherry!

I really never wanna see
your crazy ass again.

- No, no, no. Listen, I
completely understand.

But I promise that
was the old me.

I'm not into that
conspiracy stuff anymore.

- Oh, really? What um,

what happened exactly
to make you change?

- Well, I could tell you that,

but first I'd like
to tell you about

how while you were at
lunch, I finally got rid of

that weird stain on the sofa.

- Oh my God. That was a European
raspberry chocolate bar.

- Now, Dr. Jackie, if we're
gonna work together, we have

to be honest with each other.

- It was bloody poop.
- I know.

- It's a long story.

I'll tell it to you
after you tell me

how you finally escaped Q Anon.

- Well, I was home in my
apartment surfing the dark web,

filling my
impressionable young mind

with all sorts of crazy things.

You know, like baby eating
Illuminati, new world order,

lizard, alien and
hybrid Democrats, when all of a sudden I,

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Startled, I turned to find
myself meeting the blue eyes

of an old friend who I
hadn't seen in years.

He said, "you know, all
this stuff is garbage.

You know, this is all toxic.

You know that despite
some serious problems,

this world is ultimately
a beautiful place.

I'm begging you to
just get out there

and take a deep breath
of that clean air

and stop breathing
in all that poison."

And right then and there,
everything changed for me

and I was free.

- That was beautiful.

You are very fortunate to
have a friend like that.

Tell me, what was his name?

- Elvis Presley.

- You put the Z
in bonkers, bitch.

Before we start, can I get
you anything, Ms. Allen?

Coffee, tea, cucumber
infused Fuji Water?

- No, thank you. And And
please call me Nancy.

- Oh, okay, Nancy.

So why did you come
to see me today?

- Well, you see, I'm an actress.

- Oh, have you been in anything
that maybe I've heard of?

- Well, have you heard
of the Last Detail?

- No.

Dressed To Kill?
- Uh uh.

- Robocop?

- Robo-what?

- All right. Poltergeist Three.

- Oh my God. Yes. Poltergeist.

You're the woman who slid
into the swimming pool

and then all those skeletons
came up behind you.

And did you know that
Steven Spielberg used

real skeletons in that movie?

Yeah. Wait a minute. Is
that why you're here?

Because Steven
Spielberg made you swim

with real skeletons
against your will?

- No, that was JoBeth Williams.

I was in Poltergeist Three.

- Oh, did they use
real skeletons?

- I don't know.
Forget about all that.

I'm here to talk about
a movie called Carrie.

- Oh my God!
- Oh, you've seen it!

No, I just won an online
auction for the movie,

"Look Who's Talking
Two" on laser disc.

It's very rare.

Carrie, Carrie. Hmm. Oh
my God. Let me guess.

It's the latest Sex
in the City Project,

and it revolves around Sarah
Jessica Parker's character,

Carrie Bradshaw.

And you are here

because she is so gosh darn
difficult to work with.

- No, Carrie is a classic
horror film from 1976.

- Never seen it.

- It's directed
by Brian de Palma.

It was Stephen
King's first novel,

critically acclaimed,
Academy award nominated

box office hit.

- Okay, so you are in this
little movie called Cassie.

- It's Carrie.

I played the bad
girl, Chris Hargensen.

A mean spirited heartless bitch

that now is the
most iconic villain

in cinematic history.

- So what's the problem?

- Well, every day
since the movie opened,

people look at me like, like
I'm some horrible monster.

For instance, when
I got here today,

your receptionist took one
look at me and freaked out.

She started shaking
uncontrollably

and then went under her desk.

Dr. Jackie, you've
got to help me.

I'm the nicest person you'll
ever meet. I'm a loyal friend.

I love animals. I'm devoted
to a number of charities.

- Okay, slow down,
Mother Theresa.

- But every time I walk into
a room, people look at me

and they think I'm going to
start throwing tampons at them

or dump a big bucket
of pigs blood on them.

- Okay.

- Well, you see that's
what my character,

Chris did in the movie.

- This kind of reminds
me of another patient

of mine whose name
I can't mention due

to doctor patient
confidentiality laws.

But like you, she's
also an actress.

She was in that movie
Bridesmaids. Have you heard of it?

- Of course. It's hilarious.

- Yes, it is. And that's exactly

what I warned my patient who,

for the sake of this story,

I will simply call
Calissa McCarthy.

I looked her right in the eye

and I said, Melissa,
if you take this movie,

they're all gonna laugh at you.

And you know what? They did.

And they've been
laughing ever since.

Well, except for that movie
Identity Thief. I mean, come on.

Nobody laughed at that.

- So what should I do?

- Nancy? Honey,
you're an actress.

You were in a groundbreaking
hit movie that was not only,

you know, did it
make a lot of money,

but it went on to
become a classic.

And your performance
in it was so good

that it still
resonates with people.

You're a nice person.
You know that.

And after spending
just a few minutes

with you, I know it too.

- Thank you.

- So just have faith that
every person you encounter,

although they may have
a negative reaction to you at first,

will eventually get to know
and love you like I have.

- You're so right, Dr.
Jackie. Thank you so much.

I feel so much better now.

- Listen, it's my job.

There's no need to thank me.

I mean, would you thank
a puppy for being cute?

Would you thank a pork
chop for being delicious?

Would you thank Calissa McCarthy
for making you laugh? No.

No. Now I'm afraid
our time is up,

but I want to see how this new
attitude of yours works out.

So make sure to schedule
another appoint,

but with my assistant Shirley.

Just yell a couple of dates
at her under the desk.

- Okay.

- Oh, Nancy, I want
you to remember,

you're one of the
kindest, sweetest,

most gentle people
I have ever met.

- Thank You, Dr. Jackie.

Oh, one more thing.

- What?

- You're paying for the
dry cleaning, bitch!

- Hi, Dr. Jackie. It's
me, Michelle Visage.

And I just wanted to let you
know that I took your advice

and I am so in love
with the new me.

You are absolutely right.

Who needs hair and makeup to
feel better about themselves.

Like I am so glad
that you told me

to embrace the natural
look like you do.

And I just thought if
you can do it so bravely

and boldly, then so could I.

So I am loving the new me
without hair and makeup.

Thank you again for your
encouragement and your support.

You are always right.
Thanks Dr. Jackie.

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