All language subtitles for Dr Jackie s02e01.eng

(upbeat music)

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy,
but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress

♪ Whose agent just
recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass
drinking cheap box wine ♪

♪ Until she took a bogus class

♪ While at home online

♪ Finish fast, came in
last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls
herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who would've guessed that
this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of
the show biz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing
more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is her slutty
blonde assistant ♪

♪ That dumb whore, Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist ♪

(door latching)
(upbeat music ends)

(upbeat music)

(key board clicking)

(upbeat music ends)

- Oh, good morning, Dr. Jackie.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music ends)
I see they didn't recast you.

Congratulations on season two.

- Excuse me?

- I said, here's your
allergy medication.

I'm sneezing too.

- You've got the
non-drowsy formula?

- No, never.

You told me to make sure I
got the ones that were drowsy

and to get two bottles

so you could take double
the recommended dose.

- I never said that.
- She never said that.

She wrote it on this note.

- All right, well if this isn't
a full blown intervention,

then can we please
stop talking about my

legal perfectly harmless over
the counter allergy medication

and discuss what is on
the books for today?

- Yes, of course.

Your first appointment should
be here any minute now.

It's a couple's therapy.

- Couples therapy.

Did you tell them that I
charge double for that?

- Oh yes. I told them

and I made 100% sure
and looked it up

and there it was, right
after conjoined twins.

- Well do the math, I
mean, double the people

means double the work for me.

- That's exactly
what I told them

and they said they
were fine with it.

They have great insurance.

But...
- But?

- But they said
they would only come

because we're not located
anywhere near a 5G tower

and they thought their last
therapist was a hologram.

- Crazy people, you
can't live with them,

can't buy a vacation house
in Big Bear without them.

Am I right?

- I wouldn't know, I live
in a studio apartment

in the worst part of town.

- Great. Send them in
when they get here.

- My next door neighbor

got stabbed.
(door slamming)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music ends)
(keyboard clicking)

- [Roger] Where are we, Africa?

Oh, this is like a
Pier One Imports.

- Hello Roger and Linda.

Now it says here that
this is your very first

couple's therapy session.

- How'd you know that?
- How'd you know that?

- It says it on
your intake form.

- Huh? Yeah.

And just to qualify,
I'm Roger, that's Linda.

- We are kind of sad you
gotta point that out.

But for your own records,

he is the man, I
am the woman, okay?

God's done made
himself two genders.

- God doesn't make one
thing and that's mistakes.

- That's right. Amen.

- Well I certainly
respect your opinion,

but I really don't think

we need to bring
God into this today.

- Oh hey honey, you're gonna
wanna get into God every day.

- I mean, unless of course
you wanna burn in hell

for all eternity.
It's your choice.

This is America, you're free
to do whatever you want.

- You know what's
not a choice though?

Getting an untested,
rushed vaccine

that's actually a microchip

that keeps track of all the
websites you're going on.

Even if all you're doing
is a little research

on different
pornographic websites.

It was research, Linda!
- I know.

I never questioned you.
I never questioned,

I just shouldn't have
walked in the room.

I should always knock.

- Okay. Ignoring that.

I see here that you have
been married for 17 years.

Are you here to discuss
a specific problem

in your marriage?

- Problem?
(chuckling)

We don't have problems,

all right?
- Does it looks like we

have problems?
- We take them upstairs.

- Yeah. Yeah, we pray about it.

Now listen,

the only reason we're here
is it's a free session

through my union insurance.

And our friends,
family and coworkers

won't talk to us anymore,

so.
- No, I know. They're loss.

We just figure 'cause
we're paying somebody,

they're gonna have to
sit and listen to us.

- So listen. Listen.
(clapping)

- Pay attention.
- Yes.

Okay. Well that is why
I am here, to listen.

So tell me what's on your mind?

- Alright, well I'll start.

All right?
- That's right.

- Well for starters,

this country's going
down the toilet.

- That's right.

And you gotta flush that
toilet like five or six times,

'cause it's one of them
newfangled liberal toilets

that uses like a
tablespoon of water.

- And that toilet's
conveniently located

in a gender neutral
public restroom.

- I'm sorry, I remember
when all inclusive

was just one of those
vacation packages

that you would book at one
of them Sandals Resorts.

- Yeah. You know, it
just meant free towels.

Now it means like any man

could walk in a miniskirt
in the bathroom,

throw his junk around,

even if there's a
little 90-year-old nun

trying to wash your hands.

- Sick. Put it away.
- Put it away.

- Wait a minute, are you
two by any chance in QAnon?

- Absolutely not.
- Okay.

- Okay. Thank God.

Because for a minute
there I thought maybe-

- Oh no, no, no.

We left QAnon months ago.
Now we graduated to RAnon.

- RAnon?
- That's right.

- Okay, let me guess
what the R stands for.

Does it by any chance
rhyme with restarted?

(buzzer blaring)

- I believe it
stands for reality.

- Yeah. And you know
what the reality is?

The word woke

stands for a weirdos
overreacting kinda every day.

My rights. My rights.

My rights.
(laughing)

- I am so confused right now.

- That's what they
want, that's their goal,

to confuse you,

to mess y'all up.
- Yeah. Yeah.

And they're putting tracking
devices in every Hot Pocket

to keep track of the patriots.

- Yeah, that's right.

They're not putting
tracking devices in kale.

You know, do the math.

My cousin Melinda
is a vegan witch

who had the audacity to
call my Hummel collection

a bunch of pre-diabetic
Nazi toddlers.

I mean, I'm sorry,
what does that mean?

Can you imagine?

- Pre-diabetic what?

- I know, they're little angels.

They're just sitting on a
shelf not hurting nobody.

- They're just looking
at a butterfly or...

- [Linda] Eating
a blueberry cake.

- Speaking of innocent
white toddlers,

did you know that there's a
Wendy's in Champaign, Illinois

where Biden keeps little babies

in industrial sized
ketchup drums?

- Um, Tucker Carlson said
it was an Arby's, honey.

- And what did the
Bibles say about

contradicting your husband,

Linda?
- That's right, I'm sorry.

It was a Wendy's.
It was Wendy's.

- Oh, it's a Wendy's now.
- Their burgers are square,

but they're good.

- [Roger] They have chili.

- Yeah, they got chili.

- Tell her about the chili.

- It's sweet, it's
hot and it's red.

- Did you know that
the rainbow flag

vibrates at a frequency

that makes even a red
blooded normal man like me

crave a same sex experience?

- That's right. Roger
discovered that,

inadvertently when
he was protesting in a gay pride parade.

- [Roger] They're so tricky.

- Yes. Remember those
rainbow Speedos?

They just sucked you right in.

- Oh my...
- They'll suck you in.

That's science.

- Well to be fair,
so are vaccines.

- Whatever Sarah Silverman.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Get the jab,
don't get the jab.

I mean, just don't
come crying to me

when your heart explodes

running up a half a flight
of stairs, Betty Midler.

- I know several teenagers
who died of old age,

'cause they were forced
to take that vaccine.

I mean, we are talking
teeth falling out,

tennis balls on walkers,
watching, "Matlock",

and then bam, dead as
the American dream.

- That doesn't sound right.

- Neither does the fact
that every Toyota Prius

is being monitored and
controlled by Kamala Harris.

But here we are.
- Yeah.

JFK Jr's still
alive, but whatever.

- Chelsea Clinton
murdered Jeffrey Epstein

with her bare hands in that
jail to protect her daddy.

- I feel like maybe we've
veered off the main road here.

- You know who really
veered off the road?

Bud Light.
- Oh.

- Do you know how
many cans of his

I had to crack open
and pour down the drain

one at a time.

- Yeah, I saluted
the whole time.

(drum rolling dramatically)

- Okay.

- Oh, actually,
there is one problem

I would like to
discuss with you.

- Oh, a real problem.

Yes, please. What is it?

- My wife, Linda, has
refused to perform her

marital duties for the
last couple of months.

- Oh, well...

That is very common
amongst couples

who have been together
as long as you two have.

Let me ask, Linda, is
there a specific reason

why maybe you have lost
interest in sex lately?

- Okay firstly of all,
I would like to say

that it is not because
Roger yells at me,

and it is not because
of his personal hygiene.

- Okay.
- It's not me.

- The truth is,

and this is very
hard for me to say...

- Listen, this is a safe place.

- Well, not really.

We just saw a
Chinese spy balloon

flying over the parking lot, so.

(deeply sighing)
That's true. That's true.

Ever since Roger discovered
my Kevin Sorbo fan fiction,

he got jealous and things,
I'm just gonna say it,

things have changed.
(Roger gasping)

Dynamics have shifted.

- I did not get jealous.

I was disgusted.

- Well if you were so disgusted,

why did you post it
on Parlor, sweetheart?

- To shame you into
not doing it, Jezebel.

Now if you wanna write
some beautiful fiction

about Kevin Sorbo,
have that at it,

the man's beautiful,
he's gorgeous.

But to write about him having
an orgy in Branson, Missouri

with Kirk Cameron,
Scott Baio, Kid Rock.

And then you throw Ann
Coulter in through a window.

It's disgusting.
- It is a fantasy, honey.

Like that time you accidentally
called me Caitlyn Jenner

when I had your toes in
my mouth on your birthday.

- [Roger] No. Stop
writing that down!

- I love you. I love you.

Stop writing.

You stop that writing down.
- Stop writing.

You stop writing right now.

- Spawn of the devil.

Roger, I still love you.

You're still the same racist,

misogynist homophobe
that I married.

- Hey. Hey.

Hunter Biden's laptop.

- Michelle Obama is a man.

- All lives matter.

- The only way to stop
a bad guy with a gun

is a good guy with a gun.

- January 6th was
just locker room talk.

- My pronouns will always
be property of Roger.

- Oh (indistinct).
(National Anthem playing)

- Excuse me, I'm sorry,

I hate to interrupt this

very disturbing
for Chan fore play.

But again, I think
maybe the Roomba

has rolled into a room that
doesn't really need vacuuming.

Listen, the good news is

we are out of time.

The bad news is,
I really honestly

don't think we have achieved

anything.
- Are you kidding me?

My wife and I are gonna have sex

for the first time
in months tonight,

all thanks to you.

- We're gonna have
Wendy's for dinner.

- Oh, tell her about the chili.

- Oh, there's hot chili.

Throw it in a baked potato.

Ugh, mouthful of frosty.

(upbeat music)

(door slamming)

(upbeat music ends)
(telephone ringing)

- Hello, Dr. Jackie.
It's me, Lady Bunny.

- Yes, I can see that.

Even Helen Keller
could see that.

- Excuse me?

- She was blind. Get it?

Nevermind. What's up?

- I'm feeling really
taken advantage of

by a so-called friend of mine.

- Uh oh, tell me all about it.

- Well this friend is more
of an acquaintance really,

always trying to ask me to be
in her half-baked projects.

You know, because I'm
iconic, legendary.

I created wig stock
and my friend,

she's just not that famous.

- Okay.

- Anyway, this situation
is just like her face,

getting old really fast.

And when this old mug
says, your face looks old,

bish you're in trouble.

- Now this is why boundaries
are so important, Bunny.

Now did this person
do anything specific

to trigger this feeling of
being taken advantage of?

- Yes. She all but begged me

to be part of her
stupid TV show.

Well I did my research

and I found out that
only 17 people watch it

and I'm pretty sure that
most of them are Canadian.

(laughing)

- Oh dear.

- I made up some excuse
about being too busy,

but of course she
couldn't take a hint

and said I could even call
in on my phone and do it.

How stupid is that?

- Pretty stupid.

- What should I do, Dr. Jackie?

You are the only
person I can come to

with questions like this.

- Thank you.

- Because all my other
friends are talented,

successful and beautiful.

But you're not...
- Huh?

- Too busy to listen.

- Well it sounds to
me like this person

is simply trying to make
the most of an opportunity.

You really can't blame her.

Perhaps she's not really
taking advantage of you,

but rather respecting
and valuing you.

- Nope. She is just a fame
hungry, manipulative cunt.

- Okay well here's
what you do then,

you've got to learn how to
say no, not in a nice way,

just make it very clear

that you want nothing to
do with this harmless,

well-meaning, if not somewhat
slightly misguided person.

(tone beeping)
Bunny?

Bunny, are you still there?

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music ends)

(loud farting)
- Oh. Oh hi Dr. Jackie.

How was lunch?

- Oh, not great
actually. I feel lousy.

- Oh no. Do you think it
was something you ate?

- Well let's see. I
just came from lunch

and I don't feel well, so yes,

I have a feeling it
was something I ate, Agatha Christie.

- I think you mean Miss Marple.

- Excuse me?

- Agatha Christie was
actually the mystery writer

who created the character

that I think you meant to say

to try and make me look
stupid, Miss Marple.

- Okay. Well if you don't mind,

can you please bring
me some antacid

when you're done dusting
for prints, Miss Marple?

- Yes, of course.
What did you eat?

- Oh, I ate at that new Italian
restaurant, Mama Espositos.

And when I ordered
the bolognese,

the waitress gave me
the weirdest look.

Next thing I know,

she sat a bowl of mayonnaise
down in front of me.

Bolognese, bowl of mayonnaise.

- Yeah, that sounds like
something that really happened.

- Well the poor thing

probably doesn't speak much
English and misunderstood.

- Bolognese is Italian.

- So is, shut up your mouth!

Now listen, I ate a bowl
of mayonnaise for lunch

and now I gotta go
sit in that office

and listen to some
boring, miserable person

talk about their life
for an hour. All right?

Speaking of which, who's
my next appointment?

- A performer named...

- Peppermint.

- Just Peppermint?

- Exactly. You
know, like Beyonce,

Adele, Rihanna.

- Cher, Madonna, Jesus.

(keyboard clicking)
(sharp chuckling)

(dinging)

- Now before we start,

I'm a little
nervous to ask this,

but my niece is a
huge fan of yours

and she would be just so
happy if I could maybe

just get your autograph for her.

- Oh, well of course.

What's her name?

- Oh, just the signature's
fine at the bottom.

- Oh, I get it.

It's easier to sell on eBay if
it's not personalized, right?

(pen scribbling)

(excitedly laughing)

- She's gonna be so happy.

- Oh good.

- Now I'm sure you're wondering

why I made an appointment
to see you, Dr. Jackie.

- Actually, I think I know why.

I took it upon myself,
full disclosure,

to Google you. Now I
never used to do that

with clients before
they came in.

- Oh?
- It must be so hard

to be a Black trans
woman of color.

- You know, you don't have
to say Black and of color,

you could just use
one or the other.

- Just tell me what to say.

- Well my problem actually has
nothing to do with me being

a Black trans woman of color.

- It doesn't?

- No.
- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

- Okay. You know what,

the more I think about
it, that makes sense.

I mean, not all my problems

are because I'm a beautiful,
cisgender white woman.

(laughing)

So why are you here?

- Well as you may have
already discovered

in your online investigation,

I am a popular entertainer

and a social media influencer.

- You're also an Aquarius

who was born in
Hershey, Pennsylvania

in 19-
- Oh, look at the time.

We better get going, honey.

I'm talking about
companies approaching me

to endorse their products.

- So what's the problem?
- The problem

is that these companies
want me to endorse products

that I don't actually use.

- Oh, let me guess.
McDonald's asked you

to do a commercial for
the return of the McRib

but your vegan.
- I'm talking about

cosmetics companies, stupid.

Several national brands
have approached me

to endorse their products
for obscene amounts of money.

- How obscene?
- Well...

(soft music)

- Oh, would you
just give it to me.

- Sweet Home Alabama, ka-ching!

Oh, go ahead.

Hot tattooed guy behind
the counter at Chipotle,

add guacamole!

- I said no.

- Are you fucking crazy?

- Hold up Dr. Jackie.

Is that really something
that a psychotherapist

should be saying
to their patients?

- Probably not.

- I didn't take the money

because it would be unethical.

- How so?
- Well Dr. Jackie,

I know this may come
as a surprise to you,

but I actually don't
wear any makeup.

- Excuse me?

- I've also been approached

by a handful of wig companies-

- And let me guess,

that's your real hair.
- Obviously.

- Okay, just so I understand
what's going on here,

you turned down this
many zeros because you,

and I wanna make sure
I'm getting this right,

you don't wear any makeup

and that's your real hair?

- Exactly. Listen, it's
very important to me

to live my truth and be
my most authentic self.

- Honey, I am all
for living your truth

and being your authentic self.

But you can put that on
hiatus for five minutes.

Take that money and
then you can get back

and be your most authentic self

while you're getting
a foot massage

in your giant mansion

next door to George
Clooney on Lake Como.

Come on.

- Are you saying

that you think that I should
sacrifice my integrity

and my authenticity
and sell my soul,

literally sell my soul
for just the money?

- Yes! That is the
American dream.

That is capitalism.
That is show business.

Honey, just between you and me,

I would endorse
Marjorie Taylor Greene

for president for $450.

- What?
- Okay. You know what,

maybe I'd hold out for $500,

you know, play hard ball.

- Hmm. Well, Dr. Jackie,

there is just one more
thing I wanted to tell you.

- You turned down
a billion dollars

to have sex with Elon Musk.

- Look over there because you
have just been Pepper Sprayed.

(upbeat music)

- Huh?
(upbeat music)

- Charlie, get the
horrified look on her face.

That's right, you've
just been Pepper Sprayed

for my brand new hidden
camera show on MTV.

- A hidden camera show?

- Yes. It's just like
Candid Camera and Punk'd,

but only with a Black
trans woman of color.

(laughing)

- Yippee, I'm gonna be on TV.

- This is comedy gold.

Oh, you should have seen
the look on your face

when I told you I
don't wear any makeup.

Girl, I got a shit
ton of makeup on.

- I'm confused.
So that is a wig?

- No, it's two wigs, bitch.

(laughing)

Now the only
question left to ask

is how much is it gonna cost us

to get you to sign a release?

- Oh, ho, ho.
(upbeat music)

Tables have turned.

(upbeat music)

Read it and weep.

- Well...
(laughing)

Guess what?

We ain't gonna pay
you nothing, bitch.

- What?
- That's right.

Honey, remember that autograph

I asked you to
sign for my niece?

Mm-hm. Turns out
it was a release

saying that we could use
your footage for free.

- That doesn't seem fair.

- Well that is the
American dream.

That is capitalism.
That is show business.

So I guess you're gonna have
to look for yourself on TV

because you have been
Pepper Sprayed, bitch. Bye.

- By the way, she was
born in 1979, do the math.

I may have been Pepper Sprayed,

but you just got jacked off.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music fading)
Okay, that doesn't sound good.

(upbeat music)

(door slamming)
(upbeat music ends)

(upbeat music)
(laughing)

- Dr. Jackie. It's
Varla Jean Merman.

And I have to thank you so much

for helping me with
my fear of clowns.

Last week I was finally
able to go to the circus

with my nieces and nephews

and that guy I met
from the truck stop.

And then last night, honey,

I was able to go

to a Lady Bunny show

and I stayed for the
whole first minute.

So I think I'm finally ready
to take the next step and

FaceTime you.

Thank you. Okay, tell me
where to send the check,

I don't do that
internet money stuff.

Alright, thank you
honey. Thank you.

It's Varla Jean Merman,

did I mention that.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music fads out)

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