All language subtitles for A.P.BIO.S01E10.Durbin.Crashes.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track4_[eng]

.

- All right, all right,
everyone start to shut up.

I have some news today

that is gonna make you guys so
happy.

- You're gonna teach us
biology?

- [laughs]

Nice, Sarika.
No, guys, be serious. Come on.

Teach you biology.

I was just at the bagel shop,
and I ran into my ex, Meredith.

- You seem to run into her a
lot.

It's kind of bordering on
stalking.

- Marcus, you'd be lucky to
have someone stalking you.

- Oh, trust me.
Being stalked is no picnic.

- I'm not stalking you.

We have the same class
schedule.

- Interesting.
Yeah, well, anyway,

Meredith mentioned that she and
her boyfriend

are going through a bit of a
rough patch.

So I said, "Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry to hear that.

Let me know if I can help."

So basically, I'll be a
shoulder to cry on for a while

and then transition to full-on
boning.

Huh.

[laughs]

Yeah, well, there should have
been applause there.

Okay, guys, let's do a Miles
update, shall we?

No, tell me, what is the first
thing that comes up

when you Google "Miles
Leonard"?

- "Miles Leonard Stanford."

"Miles Leonard handsome
genius."

Miles Leonard shirtless."

- Okay, all right, thank you,
Heather.

- "Miles Leonard great penis."

- Got it. Got it.

We--we all got it.

Okay, everybody take out your
phones.

I want you to Google "Miles
Leonard pedophile,"

and just keep typing that in
until it's

the first result that comes up.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to be chatting

with my friend.

[chuckles]

- Ohh, damn, homeboy.

[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- So you guys watch "Wyoming"
last night?

- Mm-hmm.
- Best show ever.

- When the rancher tells Father
Tran that Sister Agnes

is missing, I'm like...

- I know.
It's, like, who kidnaps a nun?

- I have a theory about that.

What is the whole show is an
erotic nightmare that the

- Guys, guys, guys, guys.
- Security guard is having?

- No "Wyoming" spoilers,
please.

- Ralph, how behind are you?

- My wife won't let me watch
it,

says it gets me too riled up,
and I yelp and gasp too much.

- Well, that's how you know
it's good.

As I said, the whole time I'm
watching, I'm like...

[gasps]
No, him?

- Okay, fine.
Maybe I'll sneak watch it

when she goes and visits her
mom this summer,

but for now, can we just change
the subject, please?

- Remember when Sister Agnes
coughed up those snakes...

- ♪ La-la-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la
- My theory...

- ♪ La-la-la
[together] Ralph.

- God.

- Was he about to do the whole
song?

- "Well, if he doesn't
appreciate you,

then that's his loss."

Shoulder shrug emoji.

- Hey, Jack, can I ask you
something?

- I am all ears.

- Well, there's this show,
"Wyoming,"

that I want to watch, but my
wife has asked me not to,

which is pretty lame, right?

- Yeah.
- I know, right?

You know, but I can't just go,
"Hey, Brenda,

"I don't care what you say.

I'm gonna watch whatever I
want."

Whew.

- Why not?

- Why not? Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna do this.
Okay, it's a big day.

It's a big, big day, Jack.

Yes!
Thank you, Jack.

Yes!

- Okay.

What's all this creepy smiling
you're doing?

And why aren't you guys
Googling?

- We did the math, and it would
take us eight months

to alter the Google search
algorithm.

- And frankly, that dog don't
hunt.

- Well, then that dog gets put
down.

- Did you just threaten to kill
us?

- No, I just--I got caught up
in the metaphor.

- We do have an idea for a
different mission,

one that combines revenge and
learning.

- If we got ahold of some of
Miles' DNA,

we could frame him for a crime
and ruin his life.

- We'd also learn a tiny bit of
biology along the way.

- But the important thing is,
we'd destroy Miles' ass.

We'd destroy his ass, man.

- Hmm.

I'm a little worried about
the whole "learn biology" part,

but I am intrigued by the ass
destruction.

Okay, fine, you guys can do the
DNA mission.

[bell rings]

Hey, guys, if I send Meredith
two Apple emojis

next to each other, is it clear
that I'm referring to her butt?

- It's definitely sexual.

You know, make it all
applesaucy.

- Bake it, Daddy.

Okay, bob for cinnamon.

[laughter]

- Can anyone explain why
everything

in the nuns' convent
is red?

- Ralph, you watched "Wyoming"?

- Yes.

[together]
Yay.

- I told Brenda, "Look, I know
this show riles me up,

"but you're just gonna have to
suck it up

and deal with it,
baby."

Just like Jack told me to.

- I told you what now?

- Yesterday in the hall you
said, you know,

"You've got to stand up to your
wife."

- You have a wife?

- You know, and I can see why
you guys like the show,

you know?
It's--it's good.

It's a little gross and scary,
but it's a good gross,

and it's a fun scary, you know.

Anyway, Brenda kicked me out.

Yeah, so I--I got to go.

I've got to gather up the rest
of my stuff, so...

- Jack, what did you do?

- Come on, nobody's gets kicked
out of their house

for watching a TV show.
That's crazy.

- You meddled in a complicated
marriage, and apparently,

it was the straw the broke the
camel's back.

- Go talk to Durb immediately.

- What? No.

- Fine, don't.

- Well, now I'm going to.

See how you can't control me.

- Wow, you got me.

- Oh, Ralph.

[sobbing]

- Ahh.

- We have to be there for that
man,

that beautiful, beautiful man.

- All right.
- Give me a hug, Jack.

- Hey, you okay?

- [sighs]
Honestly, I don't know.

- Okay, well--
- He's so strong.

Let us be strong for you.

- Here, come on. Let's--
- Do you underst...

- Oh, my God.

Come on!

Wow.

Hey, listen, I hope I didn't
screw anything up for you, man.

If there's anything I can do to
help, you know, it's all good.

[knock at door]

Oh.
- Hey-hey.

- Ralph, what are you doing
here?

- Well, you said if there was
anything you could do to help,

it was "all good," so...

- Pfff, I tell ya, that does
not ring a bell.

- It's literally probably the
most recent

conversation you've had.

Look, Jack, I need a place to
stay,

but if you can't do it, then
it's fine.

I'll just--I'll just go.

- Oh, good God, Ralph.

Don't be so depressing.

Look, fine.
You can crash here.

- I can cr...

- Oh, what was that?

- I tried to click my heels
together,

but I was, like, going down
even before I went up.

- Oh, you coming in?
- Yeah, yeah.

.

- Jack, I really, really
appreciate this.

- Yeah, well--Ralph, I let you
in five minutes ago.

How are you already in
full-flannel pajamas?

Were you wearing those under
your clothes?

- I'm pretty much always ready
to hit the sack.

Is it weird if I sit on your
couch?

- No, it's not weird to sit on
the couch.

You're sleeping on the couch.
- Okay.

Oh, and is it weird if I put my
vitamins on the coffee table?

- You don't have to ask to do
normal stuff.

- You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm just--I'm a little out of
it.

Guess I'm just missing Brenda,
you know?

Oh, her little sneezes,

the way she would print up
Facebook to read at night,

the way she would say, "Oh, I'm
cold."

She was always, always cold.

- Listen, can we not talk about
your wife?

I'm navigating this sexually
charged friendship

with my ex, Meredith.

Need to maintain a playful,
erotic mental state

in order to transition from the
friend zone

to the sex...zone.

- You know, I totally get it.

I--I should be turning in
myself.

So how do you want to do good
nights?

I mean, a handshake feels so
formal.

I could be talked into a hug,
but I'm not married to it.

Although, really,

I'm not married to much of
anything anymore.

I mean, do--do you want to,
like, high-five or...

Okay, good night.

[loud thumping]

Here.

This way.

Quickly.

Thaddeus told me you would
come.

You'll be safe here till
morning.

Quick, get under here.

I have bread.

At dawn, you will run north to
freedom.

I need to thanks, sir.

I'm just doing my duty as a
good Quaker.

Rub this deer urine on you.

It'll throw off the hounds.

- [groans]

- Uh, Jack, um...
[clears throat]

I have a confession.

I, uh, I peed last night.

- Oh, God. Where?

- Oh, in the toilet, but I
wasn't sure if you had an issue

with it or not.

If you do, I'll go outside when
it's dark.

How are things going with
Meredith?

- Bad.

It's kind of hard to sleep with
you

shouting weird stuff all night.

- Oh, no.
I sleepwalk when I'm stressed.

I--it's--what did I say?

- It sounded like you were
working for the...

both: Underground railroad.

- Yeah, that's a recurring
dream I have.

I don't know why.
- I know why.

- Where did she come from?

- He has that dream because
this man is a saint.

Every night he risks his life
to help people.

Jack, that's a white man.

He could look the other way.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
Explain why you're here.

- Oh, I'm making breakfast.

Come on. Come look.

[silently]

Hope you boys like bacon and
eggs.

[whispers] I'm here because his
life is falling apart.

Not that Ralph needs any help.

[whispers] He could snap at any
minute.

You're doing great, Ralph.

[whispers] I'm gonna take all
these knives.

- What?

What are you doing?

- Hey, Jack, I want to do
something to thank you.

How about I cook dinner
tonight, all right?

Clams Durbin.
How does that sound?

- Oh, Clams Durbin.

It's delicious.
You've got to try it.

So much dairy in it.

Oh, it's so good.

- Yeah, I don't think so.

- Well, it can be anything.
It doesn't have to be clams.

- Oh, it does.
It has to be clams.

- That's kind of what I'm
thinking.

- I don't want your clams, man.

- Well, okay, I'll do all the
grocery shopping.

And I'll restock the liquor
cabinet.

- Okay, fine.

- Yes.

- Oh, it's gonna make you sick,
but it's worth it.

- Hey, gang.

Now, where are you guys with
this Miles plan, huh?

You guys make any headway?
Has he been arrested yet?

- We have been making some
great strides.

- So we started talking about
planting Miles' DNA at a crime

scene, but then we realized we
weren't really positive

what qualifies as a DNA sample.

- You're gonna want blood,
semen, hair, and saliva.

That's your bread and butter.

- Oh, and feces.

- And it's considered such
strong evidence that it can

put people away for life.

- I'm liking what I'm hearing,
guys.

- Well, buckle up.

Tell him, bro.

- If his DNA's found at a
crime scene,

a lab will compare it to a
reference sample

checking for any matching
alleles.

- And here's where it gets
dope.

If the alleles on the
chromosome are the same,

they're homozygous.

- As opposed to heterozygous--

- No!

[all gasp]

- Oh, I'm such a fool.

Foolish Jack.

I wanted so badly to believe
that you were good kids.

But you're not.

You're bad kids, aren't you?

- We're bad kids.

- Yeah.

You're doing this to learn
biology.

You don't give a damn about
destroying my rival.

- We just thought it would help
to have

a basic understanding of DNA.

- It's in saliva, and it makes
people go to jail.

That's all you need to know.

Now, you've got one day to get
somewhere with this

or it's back to typing
"pedophile" all day.

- No...

My mom made that.

.

[light music]

♪

- Oh, my God.
This is wild.

You know what I mean?
Brenda never let me

drink in the house.
- Uh-huh.

- There's so much new stuff I
can try.

I could wear a Kangol hat.

- Yeah.

Oh, no way.

Hey, Ralph, why don't you go
rustle up

some Clams Durbin after all?

- Yes, you will not regret
this.

Each clam is a symphony of
taste pulled from

the cleaner parts of Lake Erie.

- Yeah, go ahead.

Well, hey there, text buddy.

- Hey, Jack.

- Oh, cookie dough, frozen
tamales,

and a gallon of ice cream.

You doing some emotional
eating?

- What are you doing?
You're doing, like,

a "Leaving Las Vegas" drink
yourself to death thing?

- [laughs]
I wish.

Hey, so how are things with the
boyfriend?

- Ehh, well, so I took your
advice.

Thank you, by the way, for
letting me vent.

You've really been keeping me
sane.

- Oh, well, I'm glad to hear
it.

I want to help; I just--
- Hey, roomie.

I figured I would get the
saffron first,

because you cannot make Clams
Durbin without the saffron.

- Right.
- Oh, hey, I'm Ralph.

- Meredith.

- Meredith.

This is the famous Meredith

that Jack is always talking
about.

- No.
- Let me tell you something.

Jack is the smartest man I've
ever met.

He's a true catch.
He's a classic lover.

And I know right now he's just
a shoulder to cry on,

but oh, boy, he could be so
much more.

- Okay.
- Right.

But technically, I still have a
boyfriend, so...

- Yes, she--yeah.

- Um...

- Yep.

- It was nice to see you, Jack.

- Yeah, good to see you. Bye.
- Nice meeting you.

- I'll shoot you a text or
something.

- Don't drink too much.

[laughter]

- You...
- She said--hey, I tried.

You know, I'm not--I'm not very
good at this.

- No.
- Next time, you've got to

speak up, you know.

When I set it up like that,
you--boom--you spike it.

All right?

Hey, don't be mad.

[loud thumping]

- Here.

Freedom lies this way,
I promise you.

Take this quilt.

It is a map to Ontario.

Shh, shh, wait, wait.

I hear more people.

It's more white men.
I will distract them

with bird calls.

- [sighs]
- Loo-da-loo-da-loo.

[bell rings]

The Lady Rams volleyball squad
got annihilated last night

again, but hey, sometimes you
lose for 10 years,

12 if you count the time you
dated,

16 if you actually are the
girls' volleyball team,

but point is, gals, you never
know what's around the corner.

- Hey, Durbin needs to crash
with one of you guys.

- Oh, I can't.
It's too dangerous.

Single Durbin is giving off
some weird sex pheromones.

- Yes.
- [laughs]

Next season, the world is full
of possibilities.

You've got to smell every
flower.

- Oh, come on.
- Get sniffing, kids.

- Look, look, something's got
to give, all right?

He's all up in my business.
I haven't slept.

He almost ruined things with
Meredith.

- Tough, Jack.

I don't see him getting back
with Brenda any time soon.

- Mm-mm.

- So after Sister Agnes
vanished,

I noticed the...

- Come in.

- Hey, Durbin.

I've got to talk to you, man.
- There's my guy.

Hey, how good were those clams
last night?

You know what the best thing
about clams is?

Leftovers. Whoo.

Seriously, though, I--

I feel like this separation is
the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

Hangin' with my bro.

I just feel so happy and free.

- Yeah, well, you know what--

you know what might make you
even happier?

Getting back together with your
precious Debra.

- Brenda, but seriously,
as I was saying earlier,

I just feel like more and more
that situation

was not a good thing.

- Yeah, but it was love, Ralph,
right?

And you didn't fight for it.

Ralph, you didn't fight for
love.

But what if you did?

And what if you did it with the
help of a Harvard professor?

- I guess that sounds good.

- I'd like to share a
philosophy nugget with you

if I may.

- Yes.
Oh, I've been waiting for this.

- Okay, a stoic named Epictetus
said,

"If a storm hits your boat,

"sometimes the only option is
to drown,

"but do so quietly without
crying,

for what is born must also
die."

- Holy cow.
That is rough.

- But you get the point, right?

Ralph.
- Yes?

- It's time to go home.

Ralph,
it's time to go home.

Ralph, what do you say?

- It's time to go home.

- There it is.

My man.
[laughs]

.

- Thank you so much for sitting
down and talking to us, Brenda.

The headline here is that Ralph
is a good dude,

and, well, he wants to
apologize.

- Yeah, I'm--I'm sorry that I
watched that show

that riles me up.

- Yeah, that was bad.

- [high-pitched sneeze]

- Oh, there's one of those
little teeny-tiny sneezes

you were telling me about.

Brenda, Ralph, he--

he misses you mad, and he wants
you back,

so what do you say, huh?

- It's more than just that
show.

- Well, yeah, of course, yeah,
sure.

Well, talk to us, you know.
What else, you know?

I bet it's all fixable.

- Well, he does the blender so
loud in the morning.

- Okay, well, easy fix.
No blender till noon.

- And most nights he
sleepwalks,

and he's yelling about hiding
families,

and I need to sleep in another
room.

- Yeah, well, Roger that one
big time.

So if Ralph were able to make
those changes,

you think you guys could get
back together?

- Mm, ow, oh.

Oh, God.
I don't know.

My back is killing me.

I--I know this is silly, but

you're sitting on those
cushions, and I need them.

- Oh, well, that's--no, that's
not silly.

I didn't realize I was sitting
in your chair.

I'm sorry.
You want to switch chairs?

- Well, stop yelling at me.

Why do you want to make me feel
bad?

I mean, it's your chair now.

You're the guest.

I'll just endure the back pain.

- Well, here's a fix.

Why don't I take the cushions
off this chair

and put them on that chair?

- No, but then your back will
be hurting as much as mine

is hurting, and then I am gonna
feel bad

about doing that to you.

I would feel bad about that.

Oh, oh, God.

Oh, my back is hurting so bad.
Oh, it's hurting.

Oh. Oh!
[high-pitched sneeze]

- You've got to leave that
woman.

- I know.

- I mean, at first, she was
complaining about you,

and I was like, "Whatever," and
then she turned it on me,

and I was like, "Pfff, that's
no good."

She's bad news, brother, and if
that means you've got to stay

here a couple more nights, it's
all good.

- Mucho mucho appreciated.

God, you and I, we are a--

we are a couple of pieces of
work, huh?

- Yeah.
Whoa, how so?

- Well, I mean, at least my
dysfunctional relationship

was a relationship.

It wasn't this one-way
obsession

with my high school ex.

That was a massive overstep,
wasn't it?

- No.
You know what?

I like this color on you,
Ralph.

I do, and you're not totally
wrong about Meredith.

- Hey, no kidding.

Listen, she's got a boyfriend,
all right?

You're deluding yourself, bro.

- Okay, now it's too much.

- [laughs]

- Hey, which one of these pills
calms you down?

- All uppers.
[laughs]

- Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Nope, uh-uh.

Shut it down.
Shut it all down right now.

Whatever biology you're
studying back there,

it's done, okay?

Back to the Miles missions.

- As we said, this is both.

- I think you'll be pleased
with this.

- I got a lock of Miles' hair,
boss.

- "And a little child shall
lead them."

How'd you do this?

- Remember when you had me send
him that catfish message?

- Mm-hmm.
- It blossomed into a very

complicated online
relationship.

- Wow, okay.
Well, kudos.

Now I think it's probably best
that you cut off all ties

to this 40-year-old man
forever.

- Oh, it's gonna be much easier
after the holidays, chief.

- Looks like I underestimated
you guys.

I mean, hell, if it takes five
minutes of biology a day

to destroy my rival,
then maybe it's worth it.

All right, go ahead and take
your seats, yeah.

All right, so what's the next
step?

- We find a murdered body.

- What?

Damn it.
That's the next step?

That is a very hard next step.

You luck into a murdered body

presumably before the police
have arrived?

That's insane.

All right, take out your phones
and start typing

"Miles Leonard pedophile" into
Google.

Luck into a murdered body.

What are you talking about?

- You want me to throw away the
hair?

- [sighs]

No, why don't you go ahead and
keep the hair?

You know, this is Toledo after
all.

There's probably a dead body
somewhere in this room.

[upbeat quirky music]

♪

[laughs]