Original subtitles

(switchblade clicks)

(foreboding music)

(screams)

(heavy breathing)

(screams)

♫ Sex

♫ and violence ♫

(thrilling music)

- Hello.

I am John Carradine.

Your host for the most exciting entertainment extravaganza

ever splashed across the silver screen.

A veritable cosmic cavalcade of celluloid insanity.

A classic collection of Hollywood's

most memorable movie moments.

Coming attractions for pictures that never come.

(chuckles)

(knocking)

(gunshot)

- I saw my brother die.

Now that's the truth.

- [Voiceover] I'm going to get my gun and

(gunshot) bury me an angel.

(engines power up)

- [Voiceover] A howling hellcat,

humping a hot steel hog on a roaring rampage of revenge.

Twisted by torment.

A sadistic she-devil,

leading a pair of perverts on a raging ride through Hell.

- Fuck off, cow.

(glass breaks)

(smash)

Look, you little ass,

I'm not going to fool around with you.

- Hey, cool it, cool it, man.

Put me down.

I was just putting you on a little.

- Uh huh.

- Wow, man, you sure got not sense of humor.

(smack)

(crying out)

(engine roars)

- Bunch of pot-headed sons of bitches.

- Look, ass.

Unless you've got a warrant for that last remark,

you better leave.

Because I'd just as soon you

never walked away from here, pig.

(smash)

(upbeat music)

(crash)

(engines roar)

- We try to teach out students here

to have a better understanding of acceptance and authority.

- Right, buddy.

(engines roar)

(water rushes)

(splashing)

- Hallelujah. (woman screams)

I knew you'd pick 'em, hallelujah.

(woman screaming)

Man.

- [Woman] Leave me alone.

- Chicks sure can get weird on you, man.

(engines roar)

- [Voiceover] Hell fire burned in her body,

igniting into passion the animals she attracted.

Her flaming flesh seared a brand of hate

into the hides of her victims.

(engines roar)

Bury me an Angel.

Starring Dixie Peabody, Clyde Ventura, and Carey Mace.

(shotgun blasts)

- See Bury Me an Angel.

- Bury Me an Angel was released in 1971.

The producer will be released in 1990.

They should have buried the negative,

and the director along with it.

- Shortly before closing time,

Ma Barkers enters the bank, crosses to the security guard.

The only one they've got.

She'll station herself so that she can cover him.

Clyde enters the bank, covers the rear.

He'll deal with the customers when the time comes.

Nobody gets in or out without dealing with Clyde.

Bonnie comes in, crosses over there,

and takes care of the bank officials at their desks.

Pretty Boy Floyd comes to this window,

gets up on the counter,

and deals with everybody at that end of the room.

Baby Face Nelson comes to this window

and does the same thing with everybody at that end.

Now Dillinger comes in.

Dillinger has a note in his mouth.

He crosses to teller window A.

Not one of us is in that bank during the robbery.

(clock ticking)

(shotgun slide clicks)

(revolver clicks)

(slurps)

- Did you bring my Maalox?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Go.

- Dillinger.

(whistle)

(dog barking)

(people clamoring)

(dog growling)

- This is a holdup.

(dogs barking)

- [Voiceover] The Doberman gang.

Six Doberman Pinschers trained to commit

the most incredible caper ever conceived.

The Doberman gang.

Six savage dobies with a thirst for cold cash

that leaves banks bone dry.

The Doberman gang.

Bonnie and Clyde,

Baby Face Nelson,

Ma Barker,

Pretty Boy Floyd,

John Dillinger.

They ain't in it for the dog biscuits.

(dogs barking)

High tailing it to their hideout.

Who says you can't teach a new dog old tricks?

(dog cries)

Clockwork canines,

trained to rip off banks with mechanical precision,

and rip up anybody who gets in their way.

See the Doberman Gang bite the long arm of the law.

The Doberman Gang.

- The invisible dog I worked with

in The Invisible Man's Revenge

would have given the Doberman gang a run for their money.

I was in the original Invisible Man, you know.

I played a summer sentry yokel,

with a bowler hat and muffler and a frowsy mustache

who calls the police and says,

"I just saw the invisible man."

Someone ought to write a script about grumpy ghosts

and call it The Gripes of Wraith.

Why not?

I retitled the Tower of London and called it

the Gripes of Rathbone.

(explosion)

- [Voiceover] This is television of the future,

and here's a sneak preview of the new shows you'll see

on Tunnel Vision 1985.

Knocked (beep) and on the run,

The Pregnant Man.

- So this year say, "Hi," by wire,

and tell me I'm sinking.

- [Voiceover] Western Union Marijuanagram.

(country-western music)

Thanks, Bobby.

- It's my fault.

Fine.

(grunts)

(audience laughter)

- [Voiceover] It's rib-tickling humor at its best.

An Irish Setter is accused of murder on Animal Lawyer,

Sunday at nine, 8:42 Central.

- Well, today Poland became the 112th nuclear power

when it successfully tested a 50 megaton device

in downtown Warsaw.

When asked about the wisdom of dropping a nuclear bomb

on such a heavily populated area,

President Gorky Kapusta said,

"That's why we dropped it at night."

(explosion)

- Woo, it was wonderful.

- [Voiceover] Your mother's passed away,

but that's no reason to lose touch.

Now, with your telephone company's new service,

you can dial the other world direct for just 90¢.

- Hello?

Hello, Ma?

How are you?

- [Voiceover] Your telephone company's new service.

It's the next best thing to being there.

- [Voiceover] Tunnel Vision,

featuring Chevy Chase from Saturday Night Live,

Phil Proctor, Firesign Theatre,

Rick Hurst from On the Rocks,

And Michael Mislove from Ace Trucking Company.

Tunnel Vision.

The funniest (beep) movie of 1985.

- [Voiceover] This is Tunnel Vision.

- I can show you a good time.

(explosion)

- Tunnel Vision.

Too bad they left out my favorite commercial.

I made a lot of money in my time.

If only I'd saved it,

I wouldn't have to introduce the next segment.

Fantasy Females.

- [Voiceover] In the endless eons of dark time,

there drifted a being whose powers of creation

were infinite.

Yet in his universe of miracles,

there was no other eye to behold him.

Until, from the mind of God, came the body of man.

God created man.

- [Voiceover] Woman created sin of.

- [Voiceover] Adam.

- [Voiceover] And Eve.

- [Voiceover] Faster than (thunder)

a streak of lightning,

mightier than the pounding surf,

more powerful than a roaring hurricane,

Adam, mighty as the world he mastered.

- [Voiceover] Beauty, more brilliant than the sun,

more hypnotic than the moon,

Eve.

(pastoral music) (jungle birds singing)

- Adam.

Adam.

Adam.

- Adam.

Adam.

Adam.

Eve.

(light-hearted music)

(splash)

(waterfall crashing)

- [Voiceover] Taste the forbidden fruit.

(thunder)

- Adam.

Adam.

- Eve.

- Adam.

Adam.

- [Voiceover] Adam, the truth is found

by the eye that will see,

and the foot that will follow.

Now there is a woman to win and a world to conquer.

(splash)

- [Voiceover] Flesh against fang,

brawn against beast,

courage against claw.

(tiger roaring)

(puma screeching)

(lion roaring)

(tiger roaring)

(eagle shrieking)

A staggering spectacle of strength.

Swifter than an eagle,

tougher than a tiger,

more majestic than the king of beasts.

Adam.

- Eve.

(romantic music)

- [Voiceover] Blazing desire erupting into volcanic passion.

- [Voiceover] A lava bed of lust.

Taste the forbidden fruit.

- [Voiceover] See

- [Voiceover] The sin of

- [Voiceover] Adam.

- [Voiceover] And Eve.

(explosion)

- God created man,

and woman created the sin of Adam and Eve.

Ms. Magazine would have loved that line.

I don't think we'll see Gloria Steinem

starring in the remake.

After all, God made woman.

He gave her beautiful legs, breasts, hair.

He gave her a beautiful nose, eyes,

and then he gave her a mouth

and ruined the whole damn thing.

- [Voiceover] All little children love Alice in Wonderland,

and now the classic children's story.

- Mr. Rabbit.

- [Voiceover] Is a wonderful new movie.

But it's not for kids.

Bill Osco presents Alice in Wonderland.

The movie that's sweeping the country from top to bottom.

With music by Academy Award nominee Peter Mack.

♫ In a house with a white picket fence

♫ Filled with kids and a litte, arf, arf, puppy ♫

- [Voiceover] Alice in Wonderland,

starring this year's most exciting new star,

Playboy cover girl Kristine DeBell.

- Hi, I'm Alice.

Mr. Rabbit.

Oh, goodness.

- [Voiceover] With a guest appearance by Flesh Gordon.

- Wonderland, love it or leave it.

(cheering)

- [Voiceover] Alice in Wonderland,

the world's favorite bedtime story

is finally a bedtime story.

♫ 'Cause love is the real thing

♫ Not just a mere fling

♫ It makes the heart sing

♫ And the bells ring

♫ Now I need a someone

♫ A someone who is mine ♫

- Alice in Wonderland.

Kids are lucky today.

In my day, all we had

were the corset ads in the Sears catalog.

- [Voiceover] She was clothed in hand-me-downs and rags

that had never seen designer tags.

♫ With a fairy for a friend

♫ I've no worries since he'll

♫ See that there's a happy end

♫ And I know the prince will

♫ Grab it ♫

- [Voiceover] One fine day, an invitation came.

But alas, it didn't include her name.

- What might your name be?

- My name is Cinderella.

- (unintelligible)

- [Voiceover] For a fairy godmother she made a wish.

- (bang) Woosh.

- [Voiceover] He entered with a sway and a swish.

- I must be your fairy godmother.

- I was told that my fairy godmother was,

well, fair skin.

- Us fairies, we follow the season.

I just came from a long vacation in the island,

set in the sun all day long.

That's why I'm a little on the dark side.

You know what I mean?

What's the matter, huh?

You been crying.

- Tonight's the great ball at the palace.

They say I'm too dirty and ugly.

- That's nothing but bad luck.

Chip?

- Oh, is that your magic wand?

- Handbag, mama.

This is some heavy shit.

(pop)

(harp ripples)

(upbeat pop music)

- [Voiceover] At the castle she was the belle of the ball,

even to Prince Charming, so handsome and tall.

♫ - I get no kick from the pain

♫ And though you may think

♫ I'm not one for a king

♫ I once made it with a great Dane. ♫

- I don't care if the prince can't come,

my peepee's getting very hard. (giggles)

(upbeat pop music)

(chamber music)

- [Voiceover] They swirled and whirled and balled all night.

Wow, he thought, she's out of sight.

- That sensation, ooh, it snaps.

- The kingdom has a snapper.

- [Voiceover] At the stroke of midnight,

she had to take ass,

but in her haste,

she lost a slipper of glass.

♫ Oh, a snapper

♫ I think you can snap a snapper

♫ Want a trapper

♫ I think you can snap a snapper

♫ Although I'm rather envious

♫ I also grin with pride

♫ That lucky son-of-a-bitch has found

♫ A snapper for his bride ♫

- Well, mine snaps and crackles.

- And mine pops.

- I'm sure if we try tomorrow--

- Never mind tomorrow, give me that.

(giggling)

- Let us be off, Chamberlain.

- There's one maiden left.

Come here, girl.

- You could hardly be the one who...

Who possesses...

Possesses the...

Oh, no.

No, no.

You, oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

She's the one.

She's my snapper.

♫ Sweet, sexy, and seductive are we

♫ Hot honeys of the highest degree ♫

- [Voiceover] This small preview of scenes you see

Ain't nothing compared to the whole movie.

And although there's nothing really wrong with sex,

we thought it best to rate us.

- And Cinderella lived happily ever after.

- Cinderella.

Be sure to see the sequel, Cinderella's daughter.

It's about the girl who loses her diaphragm

and the prince tries to find the girl it fits.

(Arabian music)

- [Voiceover] It's not a science fiction movie.

It's not a rock musical.

Neither is it a detective story,

nor a country-western.

It's not a tender love story.

♫ It's so severe

♫ I'll be in the tights, drastically

♫ If he's as frightened of you

♫ As he is frightened of me ♫

- [Voiceover] Well, what is it?

- [Voiceover] It's fun, with a capital F.

(light-hearted music)

It's about fun things.

Like togetherness.

You couldn't possibly get more togetherness than this.

- I have this special way of pleasing a man.

And massaging.

That's just as important as togetherness.

But not as much fun, of course.

And running.

The fastest-growing sport in America today.

And still more togetherness.

In fairy tales, you'll meet all kinds of people.

Like Little Tommy Tucker and Old King Cole.

- King Cole.

Gentlemen, you're here for the big party,

I bid you welcome to our humble house of pleasure.

King, let me kiss your thing.

- It's his ring, his ring, schmuck.

- You kiss what you want, I'll kiss what I want.

- I'm Little Bo Peep,

and I lost my sheep and don't know where to find them.

- [Voiceover] Little Bo Peep, she can't hold on to things.

But some things she holds on to quite well.

Snow White and the seven dwarves.

♫ I'm sequestered in a shanty

♫ Acting as a maiden aunty

♫ To a bunch of munchkin gigolos

She's a very happy girl.

♫ So let me tell you all about

♫ The seven little wonders of my world ♫

Why not, with seven little fellows taking care of her.

- Seven comes 11, then I'm out like a light.

- [Voiceover] And how they do take care of her.

You can join Peeping Tom at the keyhole

and see much, much more when you see

Fairy Tales.

♫ Been a virgin too long ♫

- Hey, that was fantastic.

- Fairy Tales.

I thought that one was going to be

about those guys on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Perhaps it was.

- It's really quite - [Little Man] Hey.

- [Reporter] an event today. - [Little Man] Hey.

I've got something to day.

- Oh, yes sir.

- That picture was fantastic.

I don't believe it,

I can't believe it.

I'm going in to see it again.

What do you think of that?

- [Reporter] I think it's wonderful, sir.

(sultry music)

♫ Let's take a picture of love

- [Voiceover] Emmanuelle.

The girl who opened up the eyes of America is back.

So come with Emmanuelle

in Emmanuelle Around the World.

Join Emmanuelle as she goes around the world in 80 ways.

- I hope you rested well.

♫ Emmanuelle ♫

- [Voiceover] Emmanuelle Around the World.

In New York, she gives herself to pleasure.

(both laughing)

- It's a pleasure.

You were terrific.

- (laughing) You weren't so bad yourself, hmm?

(bell dings)

- And this envelope is for you.

- Okay, let's have a drink later, after I clean up.

- Bye.

- [Voiceover] In San Francisco,

she reveals an inner need for liberation.

(sexy music)

In Rome, she overflows with a fountain of admirers.

- So you're the famous Emmanuelle.

- I love it.

How many ways are there to cook spaghetti?

- How many ways do you know how to cook a girl?

(group laughing)

- [Voiceover] In India, she uncovers a guru's pleasure dome.

In Emmanuelle's most explicit, sensual adventure.

More extravagant, more exciting than ever before.

In Hong Kong she penetrates the mysteries of the Orient.

And in the Middle East,

she makes everyone overflow with untapped energy.

Emmanuelle around the world.

No one has ever gone so far so often,

and done it so well.

And now she is going as far as anyone could possibly go.

Emmanuelle Around the World.

So come with Emmanuelle

in Emmanuelle Around the World.

- Emmanuelle.

She certainly came a long way.

Around the world in 80 ways.

At my age, that could be fatal.

- [Voiceover] Once upon a time,

there was a man, a woman, and a beast

(grunting)

on Tanya's Island.

Adrift in a tropical paradise,

where fantasy and reality blend,

two lovers find Heaven

and Hell.

(screaming)

A love so rare, a summer affair.

Tanya, a young actress, alone on an enchanted island,

with her lover, Lobo, an artist.

Alone, he thinks.

(arrow hits tree)

- Don't talk to me, leave me alone.

I'm pissed off.

I'll get even with you.

There was someone in those trees.

(water lapping)

(horse whinnies)

- [Voiceover] Deep in the tropical rain forest,

some mysterious inner urge draws Tanya

toward the source of her strange obsession.

Tanya finds the secret the island holds.

(beast growling)

The beast,

who fills her with fear

and fascination.

The beast

becomes her friend.

(gentle music)

- You don't want to hurt me, do you?

(grunts)

- [Voiceover] The days drift through dreamy depths.

- Ha.

(grunts)

- You make me feel like an animal.

- [Voiceover] Jealousy rears its ugly head.

Jealousy in the mind of man.

(grunts)

Jealousy in the heart of the beast.

(Tanya moaning) (Beast grunting)

(roaring)

- [Lobo] Aaah.

(crash)

(grunting)

(beast roaring)

- [Voiceover] Tanya's lover resorts to brute force

to reclaim his woman.

(bamboo clacking)

- Let me out.

- [Voiceover] The beast wants his mate.

The animal in man,

the humanity in the beast.

Which is stronger?

(roaring)

Tanya's sensuality is strongest of all.

Compelling, irresistible.

The beast follows his nature,

and his Tanya.

Fantasy and reality meet

on Tanya's Island.

- Tanya's Island.

A guy, a girl, and a gorilla.

What a curious combination.

Like being being swept away with Mighty Joe Young.

Look out, Bo Derek.

- Take off your clothes.

- I don't like women giving me orders.

(gunshot)

- [Voiceover] I Spit on Your Grave.

What you are about to see did happen.

(men whooping)

(woman screaming)

- Ah.

Uh.

Stop it.

- [Voiceover] I Spit on Your Grave.

(sobbing)

This woman will soon cut,

chop,

break,

and burn five men beyond recognition.

And there isn't a jury in this country

that will convict her.

- I'll give you something to remember the rest of your life.

(suspenseful music)

(man gagging)

- [Voiceover] I Spit on Your Grave.

- [Woman] Relax.

- [Man] Oh yeah, yeah.

- [Woman] I'll make you feel like you've never felt before.

- God bless your hands.

- [Woman] Wait 'til you feel this.

- [Man] Oh, yeah, that's fantastic.

No, no, not that.

(man screaming)

- [Voiceover] I Spit on Your Grave.

(sexy music)

- Scared you, didn't I?

- [Man] What do you want?

- It's you I want.

(splash)

(engine firing)

- Hey, who do you think you are?

(engine revving)

- Help.

I'm in the water.

(man screaming)

- [Voiceover] I Spit on Your Grave.

- Now here's a category I really know something about.

Horror movies.

(car approaching)

- [Voiceover] Every year, hundreds of young people

travel the country and disappear.

God help those who get caught in the tourist trap.

(man screaming)

Tourist Trap,

where beautiful young people looking for excitement

are tricked,

terrorized.

- Mr. Slausen.

(door slams, lock bolts)

- [Voiceover] Trapped.

(girl screams)

(laughing)

- (unintelligible)

(mannequins laughing)

(suspenseful music)

(doors open)

- [Voiceover] Tourist Trap.

(glass shatters)

(man grunts)

Shock you can see.

- No, no.

- [Voiceover] Terror you can feel.

(sobbing)

(heartbeat) (thrilling music)

Heart-stopping suspense

that makes this the nightmare that never ends.

(girl gasps)

Something crazy's going on

at the tourist trap.

(creepy music) (mannequins vocalizing)

(laughing)

- Stop!

(creepy music)

- [Voiceover] When you were a child,

did they warn you about the boogeyman?

(heartbeat)

The Boogeyman.

He hurt bad children,

and did terrible things to their mommies.

But you can't kill the boogeyman.

(wind howling)

(explosion) (man screaming)

Now the most terrifying nightmare of childhood returns.

The boogeyman.

(suspenseful music)

(thud)

(women scream)

The boogeyman.

He's going to get you,

and you,

and you.

(moaning)

(wind howling)

- You're not going to scare me.

(heartbeat)

- Have its own power.

- [Voiceover] The Boogeyman.

(gasping)

You can't hide from him.

(sobbing)

(fabric tearing)

(suspenseful music)

By the time they believe in him,

it'll be too late.

The boogeyman,

he's going to get you.

(creepy music)

(fire crackling)

(explosions)

(screaming)

(gunshot)

(shotgun blast)

(screaming)

- I was wrong.

I know absolutely nothing about those films.

I've got my barf bag.

I hope you've got yours.

(snickering)

Our next sexual segment

features girls, girls, girls.

(funky music)

- [Voiceover] The single girls.

They're on an island, waiting for you.

Wild, warm, and willing.

The single girls, half clad, all bad.

Graduates from the college of carnal knowledge.

- [Voiceover] If we can't get a man easy, we get him hard.

(fun pop music)

- [Voiceover] Blazing bodies, delirious with desire.

- [Voiceover] When we turn on the heat,

more than your temperature will rise.

- Hey, what's that?

- That's my Band-Aid.

- Let's do it, George.

- Okay.

- Let's do it now.

- Yeah.

- Just want a little kiss, Alice.

- Kiss my ass.

- Okay.

- Sorry.

Didn't know you had company.

- And if you make one sound, just one,

I'm going to kill you.

Now lay down.

You heard me, lay down.

Little girl, you're going to get it.

- [Voiceover] There's a booby snatcher on the loose,

a tit maniac beyond the reach of the law,

but there's nothing beyond his reach.

(waves crashing)

They wonder where, they wonder when,

they know how.

(moaning)

The Single Girls,

staring Claudia Jennings.

Mingle with the single girls.

- [Voiceover] We'll tingle your dingle.

- Errol Flynn would have liked that one.

One look at those single girls and you order doubles.

- I will do anything for money.

- [Voiceover] Meet Honey, Denise, and Jill,

the working girls.

- I was hired because of my qualifications.

- Both of them?

- Ah, but I'm a friendly stranger.

Maybe I can help you.

- How?

- You're not wearing any clothes, are you?

- I'll tell you what I want.

- Now why don't you take off your clothes

and let me look at your body.

- Well, big boy, your place or mine?

- How can you fall in love with somebody in the dark?

- You screwed me, remember?

And you screwed me, too.

- Position is everything in life.

- Well, screw you.

What do you want me to do?

- Kill my husband.

- How?

- Run him down with a car

and then back over him a couple of times

to make sure he's had it.

- That would be a big mistake.

- No.

- Yes.

- [Voiceover] These swing shift Cinderellas

make free enterprise pay off.

Night work is hard on working girls.

- You call this night life?

Checkmate.

- I'm tired of playing, why don't you play with yourself.

- What the matter, haven't you ever seen a banana before?

- Because it's a tradition in my family.

We're all crooks.

(grunts)

- So we're incompatible.

I'm going to be a lawyer and you're a crook.

- What's incompatible about that?

A lot of lawyers are crooks.

- I'm cold, I itch, I need a break.

- Don't move.

- You're still my woman, aren't you?

- I'm my own woman.

- [Voiceover] Working girls make time,

and a half.

The competition is stiff, but they can handle it.

If you've got a problem, they work it out.

They'll do anything for money.

(applause)

- Next to making it, the most fun is counting it.

- [Voiceover] They're the gold diggers of '74.

The working girls.

They really do the job.

- [Voiceover] Rated R. (laughing)

(bluegrass music)

- I don't know why they didn't hire me

to narrate these trailers.

Cecil B. DeMille used me to dub voices

in Sign of the Cross.

He used to call me Mr. Carra-dine,

so I called him Mr. DeMeal.

Why not?

He was de meal ticket for the next six weeks.

- First we use threats, and then we use violence.

- We got a great tradition.

- I've got the family boss pressing me on one side,

and the Attorney General squeezing me on the other.

- Carlo, you're losing control.

I hear you lost one of your joints, too.

(gunshots)

- [Voiceover] The mob does for thing you got to know.

How to add.

- It's 21,002 for the month.

- You got a nice way with figures, Frank.

- [Voiceover] Subtract.

(gunshot)

- [Voiceover] Multiply.

And divide.

- You'll want to pay off, Leo.

This is it.

- I'm stiff all over.

- Not yet, you aren't.

I can arrange for a little special handling.

- Exactly what's the difference

between your insurance policy

and the old protection racket?

- Ours costs a little more.

- [Voiceover] When the mob muscles in on the massage parlors

the girls rub them down, then rub them out.

- My God, breasts.

- [Voiceover] The massage parlor racket laid bare.

(funky music)

Dangerous dolls design the whole game,

machine gun mamas,

blasting the underworld with a hot shower of lead.

The vice squad busts in, the girls but out.

- We're going for a ride.

Get him in the car.

- [Voiceover] The man handlers.

Wait 'til they get their hands on you.

(gasps)

(gunshot)

- I'd like a room for two, please.

- Twin beds or a double?

- Uh, a double.

I want to make love to you just like a barracuda.

(gunshot)

(tires screeching)

- [Voiceover] Feeling down?

Get a rise from Dr. Minx.

- Where's the doctor?

What kind of a hospital is this?

I want to know how my son is.

- I'm the doctor.

- You?

- Yes, me.

I'm used to you men not wanting to accept me as a doctor.

- I guess doctors have a lot of money, huh?

- That's right.

- You got a lot of rooms,

and this is beautiful, really beautiful.

- What do you drink?

- What do you have?

- Everything.

- [Voiceover] Dr. Minx, on call day and night.

If you've got a problem, she'll work it out.

- Aww, how do you know what type of woman I am?

- She's a nympho.

- How's my patient?

- Feeling great, Dr. Evans.

(light-hearted pop music)

I bet she screws every one of her patients.

Right in the hospital.

Right in their beds.

(gunshots)

(screams)

- Come on.

I better give you your injection.

Drop your drawers.

There now, that didn't hurt, did it?

- [Voiceover] Dr. Minx.

When she turns on the heat,

more than your temperature will rise.

Half clad, all bad.

One visit is never enough.

- Come on, let's take that shower.

- Yeah.

- [Voiceover] On the streets, between the sheets.

She's got the situation well in hand.

Edy Williams

is

Dr. Minx.

Dr. Minx.

- [Voiceover] You'll love it.

- Beyond filth.

- Beyond filth?

- Beyond filth.

- Is there anything in the film that appealed to you?

- Well, the part with the margarine,

I thought that was pretty funny,

but the rest of the film was just

totally, totally filthy.

(metal screeching)

(engines roaring)

♫ Truck stop women

♫ My head's still swimmin' ♫

(grunting and groaning)

(gunshot)

(cattle mooing)

(gunshots)

- Yahoo.

(gunshot)

Ooh-wee.

♫ I'm a truck stop woman

♫ And I live by the code of the road

♫ I got coffee and donuts

♫ And lots of things to lighten your load ♫

(scatting)

257 color TV's?

Hoo-wee, Mac, we've struck it rich this time.

Did you have to paint it such a tacky color?

- Now I'm going to show you some of the only good tricks

my mama taught me.

(funky music)

- The moral of this country is going to Hell.

- Come on, honey, don't run away from the sheriff.

Now I'm going to have to handcuff you.

(siren wailing)

(crash)

- Whoa, that was nasty.

The Hell we going to do now?

(truck horn blowing)

(crash)

- My car, my car.

(metal scraping)

(buzzing)

(honky-tonk music)

- Guy'll get killed doing this crap.

Damn, they ruined my truck.

Poor truck.

I'll show them.

- That's my car.

(crash)

Shit.

(laughing)

♫ Hello, I'm a trucker ♫

(engine revving)

(tires screeching)

(gunfire)

(tires screeching)

(gunfire)

♫ Truck stop women

♫ My head is still swimmin'

♫ Truck stop women 'bout to blow your mind ♫

- Truck Stop Women.

Double clutchin', gear jammin', high ballin' mamas.

Clean, too.

They douche every 50 miles.

Overheat the truck and sit on the radiator.

Ooh.

- [Voiceover] Half beast, all monster.

The twilight people.

Matt Farrell, soldier of fortune,

plucked from the depths of the sea,

plunged into a nightmare of supernatural science.

- You are to participate in the single most important

scientific event in the history of life on this planet.

- We can do it here.

- And I don't even get a formal invitation.

- Would you mind lying down, please.

- [Voiceover] From the Cave of Cruelty, they came.

Test tube terrors evolved from people.

From the Fortress of Fear, they fled.

A herd of howling horrors, thundering through the jungle.

A savage stampede hell bent on blood.

Human desire, animal lust.

(woman screaming)

(wildcat screeching)

(climactic music)

Fiendish fanged phenomenon.

(gunfire)

Screaming demons screeching through the skies.

(man yelling)

Starring John Ashley, Pat Woodell, and a cast of creatures.

Out of the shadows, onto your throat.

The Twilight People.

- I haven't been so shocked

since I discovered the monster with the blind man

in The Bride of Frankenstein.

- [Voiceover] Submerged for centuries,

Atlantis, the lost continent,

rises in mythological magnificence.

(thrilling music)

- It's a testaurora.

- [Croupier] Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.

(sensual music)

Meet Serena.

Conceived and spawned in a world beneath the waves.

Mermaid majesty, drifting through dreamy depths.

Fire in her eyes, love on her lips, desire in her heart.

(crickets chirping)

- When will you mate?

It is your destiny to mate with an outsider,

not to love him.

- [Voiceover] Underwater warriors

in a savage struggle for survival.

- I will not sacrifice myself.

(gunshots)

- You will mate!

You will mate!

- [Voiceover] Beyond dreams, beyond thought,

beyond Atlantis.

Astounding the imagination, ravishing the senses.

(romantic music)

The siren of the sea rising through rapture serene,

afloat on waves of pleasure

in a bed of pearls.

The ancient army (gunshot)

of Atlantis clashes with modern soldiers of science.

Atlantis must conquer or die.

A primeval princess (screaming)

leads her people from a kingdom beneath the sea

to a blazing battleground above.

(explosions)

Beyond Atlantis.

- Beyond Atlantis.

Atlantis?

Hm, my biggest real estate investment

until it sank.

(creepy music)

(woman screams)

- Now we return to the mysterious and macabre.

Watch for the devils' wedding night,

when old Satan shows his third horn.

(gong chimes)

- [Voiceover] Satan is coming on the devil's wedding night.

(suspenseful music)

Diabolic demons delirious with desire.

(wolf howling)

(gasping)

(growling)

(thunder)

Dark desire lures the village virgins

to the Castle of Carnal Craving.

Tiptoe through terror while Satan sleeps.

When the devil wakes, death rises.

(thunder)

The legions of Lucifer unleashed.

(man yelling)

Death swells in the domain of dark dreams.

(swashbuckling music)

(canine howling) (thunder)

The Prince of Darkness opens the gates of Hell

to a bevy of bewitched beauties.

(thunder)

Wanton witches find Satanic satisfaction

in an unholy alliance of evil.

See the sinister sisters of Satan

sacrifice screaming virgins.

(thunder)

Plunge into pagan passion.

(screaming) Penetrate the portal

of mortal maids.

Satan is coming on the devil's wedding night.

Come along.

- Why didn't I get naked girls when I was playing Dracula?

- [Voiceover] Meet Sugar.

She's beautiful

in chains,

and she's busting out.

Shackled to the steamy cane fields of a tropical inferno,

with a whirlpool of women

that plunges you into the depths of desire.

(women giggling)

They're women, they're warm, they're wildcats.

Meet the doctor who satisfied his vile gluttony

on the bodies of the innocent.

- [Doctor] It's only because you don't understand

how far my proposal extends.

- Oh, I can see how far it extends.

(women screaming)

- [Voiceover] Meet Mojo.

- Hey, black girl.

You going to give Mojo some of your stuff?

- I don't mess around with bush bunnies.

- [Voiceover] Hung up, (screaming)

strung out.

(grunting)

(screaming)

Cain wasn't all she raised.

(romantic music)

(gasps)

(screams)

The searing sting of the whip

burned the brand of hate into her heart.

(man yells)

Their world of plantation,

the battleground, a tropical inferno.

(fire crackling)

(crash)

She can cut any man down to size.

- Listen to me, we can take this place.

Let's go.

(gunshots)

Warm hands, cold trigger, blazing death.

(screams)

(gunfire) An epidemic of

machine gun madness.

38 caliber kittens spitting death

as they claw their way to freedom.

(gunfire)

Nothing can hold her.

Not chains, not bars, or men.

(explosion)

Sweet Sugar.

- The Prisoner of Shark Island was never like this.

With girls like those, I'd be breaking in to prison.

- [Voiceover] 40 miles off the California coast

lies San Bruno maximum security prison.

Every inhabitant is a murderer,

declared legally dead,

exiled for eternity.

There are no guards, no walls,

only survival.

They emptied death row to fill

Terminal Island,

where we dump our human garbage.

(dramatic music)

- If I tell you to kiss my ass

I want you on your knees before I finish talking.

Welcome to Terminal Island, baby.

- [Voiceover] The strong enslave the weak.

(tense music)

The hours hang as heavy as their chains.

- We're the property of every man on this island.

- You have to screw every man here?

- You will, too.

- I'm breaking out of here.

I'm going after Monk,

I'm going to wipe out that big nigger faggot,

I'm going to smash his balls 'til they turn to Jello.

- [Voiceover] Death duel of the black titans.

(grunting)

Lusting, busting babes,

ripe with the fruits of desire.

(sexy music)

(gunfire)

The thin veneer of civilization is stripped away,

revealing the savage beneath.

(sexy music)

Unleashed, unchained, uncontrollable,

an army of automatic executioners

triggering a maelstrom (gunfire)

of mass murder.

- I don't need you, I don't need anybody.

- [Voiceover] The Suicide Squad

versus a kill-crazy colony of criminals.

(explosion)

Molten madness erupting in a vicious vortex of violence.

(explosions)

Every man a

(gunfire) Devil-driven death machine

in a human demolition derby.

The damned versus the doomed on Devil's Island, USA.

(gunfire)

(fire crackling)

(gunfire)

(explosion)

Terminal Island,

the most exciting motion picture of the decade.

Terminal Island.

- I shot Jesse James.

Who have you shot lately?

- [Voiceover] Olympic champions, shanghai'd.

- [Woman] We're being sold as slaves.

- A hundred years of progress

and I'm back where my grandmother was.

- I bet we made the cover of Newsweek.

- [Chambray Shirted Woman] I bet we make the cover of Jet.

(blond woman scoffs)

- [Voiceover] You're better of dead

when they start blasting lead.

(gunfire)

Ebony, Ivory, and Jade.

Killing is their trade.

With fist, foot, and blade

they can lick any man ever made.

- I'm ready for my closeup, Cecil B. DeMille.

- [Voiceover] Ebony.

Three foxy mamas who've got what it takes

and know how to use it.

Three masters with a thousand ways to kill.

- [Voiceover] Jump back, jack, or your skull is cracked.

- [Voiceover] Ebony,

Ivory.

Skin of bronze, muscles of iron, fists of steel,

the ultimate gladiators in the final arena.

Ebony,

Ivory,

and Jade.

Angels of vengeance on a massacre marathon.

(gunshot)

(smashing)

Lusting, busting babes,

- Go.

- [Voiceover] ripe with the fruits of desire.

- Fellas, hi.

- [Voiceover] In slaughter or seduction, she scores.

Ebony, Ivory, and Jade.

They turned them loose.

These sisters go soul they can't control.

Back to back, they face death.

When their blood gets hot, you're on the spot.

Skirting disaster, flirting with fate,

dancing with death,

three spitting hippies (gunshots)

on a roaring rampage of revenge,

whipped into a blazing frenzy of violence.

A raging ride through hell,

from Olympic contenders to bloody defenders.

From the first burst to the last blast.

38 caliber kittens spitting death

as they claw their way to freedom.

Warm hands, cold triggers, blazing death.

They're women, they're warm, they're wildcats.

Ebony,

Ivory,

and Jade.

Rapid-fire frenzy erupting in a 45 caliber climax.

(gunfire)

Flashing fists of fury, strike like vipers of vengeance.

(shotgun blasts)

You haven't a prayer when she leaps through the air.

Ebony,

Ivory,

and Jade

can lick any man ever made.

- What are we doing?

- [Voiceover] Bernie Casey is Dr. Black.

- Hiya, Doc.

- [Voiceover] No, you can't try that serum on a human.

(screaming)

- [Voiceover] A monster he could not control

had taken over his very soul.

A screamin' demon rages inside,

turning him into Mr. Hyde.

(White-suited man yelling)

- This is not a nightmare, doctor.

(screams)

You're real.

(yelling)

- [Voiceover] Super strong, super natural,

and super bad.

- That's a cross between the abominable snowman

and Willie the werewolf.

- [Voiceover] Indestructible.

(gunfire) Nothin' can stop him,

not bombs, bullets, or bulldozers.

No man alive could take that dive,

but he's on his feet when he hits the street.

Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde.

(gunshot)

(thunder) His victim

thinks she's tricked him,

but she hasn't a prayer when he leaps through the air.

(screams)

(gunshots)

Shot full of lead and he still ain't dead.

(screaming)

- In a moment, you'll look like me.

(scream)

- [Voiceover] Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde.

(gunshot)

Don't give him no sass or he'll kick your ass.

Jump that jack for your scurrilous crack.

The barflies are trying, but their bodies keep flying.

The dude stood tall 'til his butt hit the wall.

When the boys go rushin', Mr. Hyde starts crushin',

the crowd is pushin'cas the blood comes gushin'.

- Just stand there like a bunch of dumb asses.

Get him.

- [Voiceover] There's a heel behind the wheel

when Hyde takes his ride.

No man can survive when he shifts into drive.

It ain't now jive trying to stay alive.

Silky won't revive from his final

nose dive. (screaming)

- Brother-man, this situation

is rapidly becoming insalubrious.

Meaning we about to stomp a mud hole in your ass.

- [Voiceover] From the first burst to the last blast,

(car horn honking) it's Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde,

starring Bernie Casey, Rosalind Cash, Stu Gilliam,

directed by

(glass shattering) William Blackula Crain.

Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde.

(gunshot)

(gunshots)

- Damn, look like my women is on time.

Babe, I could sure warm you up.

- No shit, baby.

- I can dig it.

(funky music)

Dolemite is my name,

and (beep) up is mother (beep) is my game.

Breathing down your necks with--

(gunfire)

Dance.

(gunfire)

Dance.

Girls, this mother (beep) got rhythm.

(Dolemite and girls laughing)

(gunfire)

I've got an all-girl army that knows what to do.

They are boxers, hell, and practice Kung Fu.

I put my finger in the ground

and turn the whole world around.

- You know, you're still the best man that I know in bed.

(gunshot)

(gunshot)

- I'm waiting for Dolemite.

- For who?

- Dolemite, (beep, beep)

And tell him I want him out of here in 24 hours.

And 23 of them are already gone.

Gosh damn, mama, this sure is a spooky joint.

(snap)

(gunfire)

Yes, I'm Dolemite.

I'm the one that killed Monday and whupped Tuesday

and put Wednesday in the hospital.

Called up Thursday to tell Friday

not to bury Saturday on Sunday.

I'm the one that had the elephants roosting in trees,

and all the ants wearing BVD's.

From the first to the last, I give them the blast,

so fast that their life is past

before their ass has even hit the grass.

See me, uptown, downtown, crowned and renowned.

Delayed, relayed, mislaid, and parlayed.

Hats, mats, snatched and scratched.

Whack, jack, smack, quack,

boot black, blackjack, racetrack, and flapjack,

and still coming back.

If you crave satisfaction,

this is the place to find that action.

Coming to this theater as its next attraction

is the picture that will put you in traction.

Dolemite,

starring me, Rudy Ray Moore as Dolemite,

and that bad D'Urville Martin as Willie Green.

Dolemite, Dolemite.

(gunshots)

- "Starring me"?

Even I wouldn't be that audacious.

- [Rudy] I'm mean as snakes and twice as bad,

but for the price of admission I can be had.

If you crave satisfaction,

this is the place to find that action.

Coming to this theater as its next attraction

is a picture that will put you in traction.

The Human Tornado.

- He made me do it.

- Bitch, are you for real?

(gunfire)

That mother (beep) caught me in the bed with his wife,

now he want to try to take my life.

Bo, step on it and step on it quick.

Burn some rubber 'cause we're going to deal with that prick.

Drive, nigger, drive.

Drive, nigger, drive!

He think he's bad and ain't got not class.

I'm going to rock this shotgun up his mother (beep) ass.

(shotgun blast, explosion)

Yes, I'm the Human Tornado.

I use them earthquakes to mix my milkshakes.

I eat an avalanche when I want ice cream.

I punched a hurricane and made it a breeze.

I swallowed an iceberg and didn't freeze.

I chained down thunder and handcuffed lightning.

I'm so damn strong, its sometimes frightening.

I grabbed a star traveling a million miles a minute,

and slowed it down to the state speed limit.

I may not be sweet, but women treat when they see my belief.

I got a dog as big as King Kong.

The Human Tornado.

(dramatic music)

Hey.

(smash)

(glass breaking)

(nunchucks whistling)

The Human Tornado.

- I don't really have to do this for a living.

All my sons are working.

- Maybe not, after this.

- Hey, Dad, can I borrow the keys to the car?

- Negative.

It's been in the shop since the last tine you took it.

- Say, uh, Dad, can you spare $20 'til Friday?

- No, and put back that fluff.

(Keith laughing)

- [Rudy] Disco Godfather

♫ Godfather of the disco

- Let's meet and greet the disco godfather.

(crowd cheering) ♫ Godfather of the disco

♫ He's the godfather of the disco

♫ Do do do do do do

♫ Do do do do do do do

♫ Do do do do do do ♫

- All right, all right, all right.

Put your weight on it, put your weight on it,

put your weight on it.

All right everybody out there,

you got you mind on the wonder and your ass on the loose.

Come on, get funky in here.

Show that loose to the goose.

From the north to the south, from coast to coast.

The godfather here is going to get you the most.

All right, all right, put your weight on it.

Put your weight on it, put your weight on it,

put your weight on it, put your weight on it.

I'm the godfather and my name is Tucker.

Everybody knows that I'm a bad mother.

♫ Come on and dance

♫ Let's dance ♫

(gunshots)

- The hit to hit me.

I want him alive.

(car skids to stop)

- [Rudy] Disco Godfather.

(disco music)

- We've got to get rid of everything.

I'm a respected businessman in this community.

(cries out)

Talk.

Who sent you?

- [Rudy] Disco Godfather.

- Jazzed, I glad to see your face in the place.

- [Rudy] I'm rough and tough and don't take no stuff.

- Yes, this is the Godfather talking to you.

He's all to the poor little slides or glides,

and some soul in your stroll and some zip in your hip.

So strut in over, 'cause down is the place to be.

If you need a little lovin', you can call on me.

♫ We're flying high on a disco trip

♫ All across the record do a song

♫ And at night time we love you

♫ Though your sister's so true

♫ Miami, (unintelligible) and Iraq

♫ Come on and dance

♫ Let's dance

♫ Come on and dance

- [Rudy] If you crave satisfaction,

this is the place to find that action.

Coming to this theater, as its next attraction,

is the picture that will put you in traction.

Disco Godfather,

starring me, Rudy Ray Moore.

Disco Godfather.

♫ Come on and dance ♫

(creepy music)

(gunshots)

- This all-star orgy has been so much fun

that nothing could keep me from doing

The Best of Sex and Violence Part II.

Nothing short of the end of the world.

(explosion)

♫ Sex

♫ And violence ♫