All language subtitles for The Kids Are Alright s01e03 Microwave.eng

Adult Timmy: The 1970s were
an awesome time to be a kid.

It was the Wild West.

Bike helmets hadn't been
invented yet or car seatbelts

or even
normal adult supervision.

Dads weren't around
as much as they are now.

And my mom was busy
running the house.

She had a lot on her plate
and no time for tomfoolery --

whatever that is.

There were eight of us boys,

including my oldest brother,
just home from college.

That's a lot of testosterone
under one roof.

[ Clank, projector clicking ]

Timmy, wipe the crumbs off that
and bring it here.

You think
we're made of foil?

[ Door opens ]
Hey!

I've got an important surprise
in the car.

Who wants to help carry it in?
Eddie, Frank, you do.

Like dads since cavemen days...
[ Sighs ]

Oh, boy.
...mine loved the heroic feeling

of bringing something home
intended to make life easier

for his mate.

We are the proud recipients

of our very own
dielectric oven.

It heats food using
small wavelength radiation.

Radiation?
Micro-waves.

Over here on the counter.
On the counter?

Where am I supposed to
put the baby

when I'm chopping things?

Right up here on top.
It's a prototype from the plant.

Mr. Crane selected us
to be among the first families

to try it out.
Here you go, William.

So we're guinea pigs.

We're pioneers.
Like Neil Armstrong.

And just like
the astronauts,

we need to
log our experiences.

Plus any physical symptoms
that may arise.

Symptoms?

"Dizziness,
wounds that won't heal,

blurred vision, impotence,
hallucinations --"

Thank you, but I don't think
I need this. [ Chuckles ]

It'll cut your cooking time
in half.

You had a chance to
cut my cooking time in half

four kids ago.
You are gonna love it.

Just don't
put any metal in it.

I don't want to
put anything in it. Why no metal?

Well, the scientific
explanation's complicated,

but the dad explanation is
"shut up."

This kind of technology
helps defend America.

Then count me in.

It'll cook a hot dog
in 30 seconds.

In a war,
our boys will have eaten

and launched their missiles
while the Soviets are still

boiling their dog water.
Nice.

♪♪

Joey: [ Whispering ]
That's unbelievable.

♪♪

I know. I know.
I'll make myself scarce.

It's okay.
Come in. Close the door.

Joey was two years older,
and it was pretty huge

being invited in
on some secret between him

and his ultra-sophisticated
friend Davey.

[ Burping ] Hello, Timothy.

[ Burps ]

What's the skinny?

You know Barbara Eden,

the genie from
"I Dream of Jeannie"? Yeah.

Well, Davey's cousin in Maine
called long distance

to tell him to watch
a certain show she's on tonight.

Davey: It's on three hours
earlier back there

'cause they're all
stupid farmers or something.

[ Laughs ]

Apparently, she's dancing,

and in the middle of it
her clothes rip

or something because --
according to Davey's cousin --

you can see everything.

♪♪

Everything?

Everything.

♪♪

[ Whispering ]
In the world?

[ Both laugh ]

Okay, your brother doesn't
know jack about girls.

I guess not. Let's go.

And just like that,
I was on the outside again.

I didn't figure out
what they meant by "everything"

until it was way too late.

♪♪

Oh!

[ Gasps ] Guys!

This will free up
all kinds of time

to do the stuff you enjoy --

laundry, sewing,
cleaning the house.

You'll be the envy
of all your friends.

I'm expected to
get friends now, too?

Watch what it does
with an egg.

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]

Is that a microwave oven?

See? The whole town's
talking about it.

[ Beeping ]
Oh.

[ Buzzing ]

♪♪

Oh, Mike,
I don't need this.

I promise, if you don't like it
by tomorrow,

you can keep trying.
Eventually, you'll like it.

I didn't realize these were
approved for home use.

They're not. They take up
too much counter space.

Why is
the egg shaking?

It's excited
about innovative technology!

[ Egg explodes ]
[ Screams ]

Jiminy Christmas!

[ Ding ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Outstanding!

Here.
[ Gasps ]

You clean up
the egg stuff,

then let's
blow up an orange.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Doesn't sound like
Dad's listening to you, Mom.

You know you have a right
to be heard.

Look at you,
sticking your nose in

between me
and your father.

You aiming for a broken home
or a broken jaw?

When you said something
to my mom

that she didn't want to hear,

she tended to
respond with hostility.

The more hostility,

the more you knew
you were onto something.

I've just been
reading some psychology and --

Okay. I'll stop you
right there.

Your dad and I
don't have any psychology.

We were raised in the Depression
and had to do without.

I got this orange
from Mrs. Strausser's tree.

It dropped on our side after
I beat the branch with a rake.

We also got a new Frisbee.
Lawrence read a book

and thinks he can
analyze our psychology.

Oh, don't waste your time.
We're 100% normal.

Now let's make
this fruit ball go boom.

[ Birds chirping ]

I should really
cut down on these.

Mm, you know what?
Try one of mine.

They're mild.
Hmm.

Chicago should be
getting their glimpse of Eden

right about now.
[ Chuckles ]

Unlike nowadays when
every aspect of female anatomy

is only a mouse-click away,

in 1972 the level of ignorance
in a house with all boys

was staggering.

I know what you guys
were talking about.

What show is Barbara Eden
gonna be on tonight?

We can't let you in on this.
It might scar you.

Well,
I wanna be scarred.

Tell me.
[ Chuckles ]

"The Bob Hope Special,"
9:00.

And according to my cousin,
you can see it all.

The whole kit
and caboodle.

Both?

[ Both laugh ]

Obviously
you don't know much,

so let me teach you
the basics.

First off,
girls' penises

are totally different
from ours...

♪♪

[ Ding ]
Food's ready!

Possibly.
No guarantees.

Look at us!

It's like dinnertime
on Apollo 16.

So far, this thing
hasn't saved me one minute.

And every time
I turn it on,

the neighborhood dogs
circle the house and bark.

Seriously?
[ Beep ]

[ Buzzing ]
[ Dogs barking ]

That is valuable data.
Yeah.

William, make a note.
Dogs love the microwave.

[ Barking continues ]
Get away from our house!

Timmy and I
call the TV for tonight.

We got a show we want to watch.
It's...educational.

Sorry, there's a program
I'm looking forward to.

Mom, no!
"The Bob Hope Special" is on.

Okay, your house,
your rules.

Mike: That man helped us
win three wars.

If it weren't for Bob,
you'd be watching

"The Ho Chi Minh Show"
tonight.

Peg,
maybe tomorrow you can

microwave that
casserole thing you do,

you know,
with the tater-tots,

chipped beef,
and the French dressing --

Give away my recipe,
why don't you?

No, tomorrow night,
we're going to

the Hawaiian Luau Dinner Dance
at the church.

Sorry, Peg.
That dinner thing's a no.

I promised the boys I'd take
them to the Dodger game.

[ Gasps ]

It's Bat Night!

I told you about this
weeks ago.

Was the TV on?

'Cause if it was,
that's on you.

Yeah, well,
bring me a bat from Bat Night

so I can
get your attention.

My mom didn't socialize often

because she didn't
much like people,

but the occasional dinner out
with my dad

was something
she looked forward to.

This pizza's
like rubber.

It's better this way.
Makes eating it last longer.

Ow!
I burnt my tongue.

Yeah, mine's frozen solid.
Peggy, what did you do wrong?

What I did wrong
was let you

bring that crazy food robot
into my home.

All right,
tonight after supper,

William and I are gonna
roll up our sleeves

and tackle this thing.

Call your wife.
Tell her you might be home late.

[ Clicks tongue ]

This fish stick
is burning my tongue!

Here.
Ice it down with this.

All right, William,
cream of tomato soup

at two minutes --
warm and savory.

Two minutes, four seconds --
Manson crime scene.

♪♪

"Manson crime scene."

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

Everything all right
in my kitchen, Mike?

Mike: Never better!

Announcer:
Welcome to the Bob Hope Summer Extravaganza.

[ Music continues ]

You boys
seem awfully excited.

It's an extravaganza.

That means there's
extra vaganza.

[ Stifled laugh ]

Oh, is it cool
if my friend Davey

comes over
and watches with us?

Of course Davey's welcome.

I know this is the time of night
his mother gets into her wine.

[ Door opens ]
And when that woman gets started --

[ Door closes ]
Hello, Davey!

Hey. Hi, Mrs. Cleary.
Thanks for having me over.

You mind if I watch this? My
mom's watching something else.

So she was awake
when you left, then? Yes.

That's encouraging.
We fixed it so the neighborhood dogs stop barking.

Who's up
for a baked potato?

No one wants a baked potato
at 9:00 at night.

This isn't Europe.

A dessert potato?

Take five minutes
to think about it.

The potatoes
will be done in two!

Let's light 'em up.

The gang out there
is hollering for taters!

[ Beep ]
Wow, you're really invested in that device, Dad.

Oh, it's an honor.
I was the first employee

Mr. Crane asked to test it
after Bob Brogan chickened out

because of the metal plate
in his head.

Poor Bob Brogan. A plate
in his head and no microwave.

Hmm.

I've heard of Off-Broadway,

but this is ridiculous.
[ Laughter ]

One year you don't send
a Christmas card to your agent,

look where he sends you.
[ Laughter ]

If you boys
really don't like this,

I guess we can
turn on something else.

Oh, no!
No. No, we love it.

It's -- We're laughing
on the inside.

It was quite a trip.
Eight hours for flight

and two days
to get your luggage.

[ Loud, forced laughter ]

Luggage. [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughing ] Yeah.

We'll be right back.
[ Applause ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

I just mean that
your sense of self-worth is --

is maybe
tied to your work.

What's tied to it
is my paycheck.

Well, it looks like
Mr. Crane's regard

is really important to you.
It's because he's my friend.

And what does your friend
Mr. Crane call you?

[ Ding ]
He calls me "Mike"...

[ Microwave door opens ]
...'cause we're friends.

[ Sizzle ]
Aah! Aah! Man overboard!

We'll give that one
to Davey.

Our next guest comes to us

straight from
inside her bottle.

[ Quietly ]
Just like Davey's mom.

Please welcome
one dynamite lady,

Miss Barbara Eden.

♪ What goes up
got to come down ♪

Mike: A tiny delay
on the spuds, boys.

♪ Spinning wheel
got to go 'round ♪ Peggy, we have any chives?

I'm watching a show.

Well, your kitchen's a mess.
Frankly, I can't find anything.

♪ Talking 'bout your troubles,
it's a crying sin ♪

♪ Ride a painted pony,
let the spinning wheel spin ♪

We all right with you kids
watching this?

♪ Got no money
and you got no home ♪ It's America's Bob Hope.

♪ Spinning wheel ♪

♪ All alone ♪

Oh, for the love
of Pete!

♪ Ride a painted pony,
let the spinning wheel spin ♪

What's that?

I tried to heat up
some cobbler.

You ruined
my best Tupperware.

No, it's an
old margarine tub.

Exactly,
my best Tupperware.

Mike: See what I mean
about the mess in there, Peg?

[ Doors open, close ]

Adult Timmy:
My mom always tried her best to avoid arguing with my dad,

but she had ways of
expressing herself nonverbally.

[ Metal clangs ]

Not the best approach
to conflict resolution... [ Beep ]

...but better
than her first choice --

throwing it at his head.
[ Sparking ]

W-Wait.
W-W-What's happening?

This happens sometimes.
Wiggle the antennae.

[ Static ]

Not up and down.
Side to side.

Is that better?
No, it's worse. That's worse.

Go back to where you were.
[ Sniffs ] What?!

No, no. Davey, this way,
this way, this way.

The microwave!

[ Flatly ] Oh, no.

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Buzzing ]

No! Move it this way!
Move it -- Yeah!

Yeah!

Yes!
Yes!

[ Sighs ]

[ Ding ]
[ Both scream ]

[ Static ]

Together: N-o-o-o-o-o!

Peggy: Oatmeal, Mike?
[ Andy coos ]

Have to warn you,
it'll be 30 seconds longer

since we don't
have that thing anymore.

It's interesting.
You know what I found in here?

Something metal.

Something metal?
How could that have happened?

I don't know.
Hmm.

But I have a theory.

Me too. What's yours?
We'll see if they match.

Has to be
one of the kids.

Bingo.

Probably not Andy,
though.

[ Andy coos ]
Probably.

Maybe there'll be
a rerun?

Not after grown-ups
get wind of this.

I heard the camera man
got arrested.

If only there was a way
to see something on TV again

after it's already been on.
[ Chuckles ]

That technology exists,
gentlemen.

My brother was watching
at his friend's last night,

and he took a picture.
No way.

Right at
the moment of truth.

[ High-pitched voice ] Oh,
my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Be cool.
[ Normal voice ] Sorry.

Now, listen, if we rush
to the drug store right now,

we get it back in no time.
10 days tops.

No. We go to Fotomat.

For a little extra bread,

you get your pictures
in 24 hours.

Whoa.
Whoa.

Mike: All Cleary boys
to the living room! Now!

All right, smartest thing
the guilty party could do

would be confess before
I even bring up the crime.

I did it.

You did?
I think so.

Then what did you do?

I don't really know.
I kind of just panicked.

Someone put something metal
in our very important microwave

and broke it.

Oh, no.
I didn't do that.

Someone did it.
And we're not leaving this room

until your dad and I
find out who it was.

I'll stay here
all night.

Can we watch TV?

Try it.

Try turning it on.
I'm good.

Can I pee?
Mike: Nope.

That microwave
was a technological marvel,

a wonder of modern science,

and then some fiend
destroyed it.

Frankly,
I'm disgusted.

And since none of you
are man enough

to admit to your crime,

the Dodger game tonight
is off.

What?!
Are you serious? But it's Bat Night!

Oh...I know.

Mike, it doesn't seem right
to punish everyone

because your contraption
got ruined

in a mystery
we may never solve.

No confession, no Dodgers.

[ Scoffs ]
[ Sighs ]

Okay.

Look, um...I'm sorry.

Uh...the truth is --

Instead,
your mom and I are gonna go

to that
stupid dinner dance.

It's exactly
the right call.

You boys
will thank us one day.

I'm gonna go
pick out a dress.

♪♪

♪ What goes up ♪

♪ Must come down ♪

♪ Spinning wheel
got to go 'round ♪

Hi. I'm here
to drop off pictures.

♪ Talking 'bout your troubles,
it's a crying sin ♪ Cool. What's the name?

♪ Ride a painted pony,
let the spinning wheel spin ♪ Jorgellington.

"J," like Jackson.

Okay.
"O," like ostrich.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Mike: How much more dancing
until we get to sit down?

You're not any worse
than any of the other husbands.

Except for
Herb Milbank.

He and Katy took lessons
at Arthur Murray.

What a loser.

Sad, really.

♪♪

I guess I'm still bugged
about the microwave.

No one has a right
to be more upset than me.

I'm the one who doesn't
get to use it anymore.

Aloha.
Ahiahi, Mike and Peggy.

Concentrate.

♪♪

You'd think
they'd be embarrassed.

[ Sighs ]
I'm kicking myself now

for not ordering
the double prints.

My friend Todd's
a good tracer.

He can mock something up
for us pretty quickly.

Hey. A lot of whispering going
on between you two lately.

Anything you'd care
to open up about?

What?
We weren't whispering.

Guys, can you come in here
a minute?

-The Dodgers are on.
-Yeah.

Circle up.
It'll just take a second.

I want to rap.

Oh, geez.
He's sitting backwards.

Sensing a bad vibe
in the house

about what happened
to the microwave.

Now, I'm not interested
in placing blame

or narcing on anyone...

Then I'm out.

[ Sighs ]
...but I believe that Dad

put a lot of his self-worth
inside that little, metal box.

And whoever blew it up,
in a way, also blew up Dad.

And, until he gets closure
on this,

it's gonna be
really hard for him,

and he's just gonna keep
punishing everybody.

Like you not letting us
watch the Dodger game?

So, if any of us is carrying
around a heavy secret,

I'm here to facilitate
getting it off your chest.

I haven't read
the whole Bible,

but pretty sure
when you quit the seminary,

you lose
your confession license.

Right on.
I've said my piece.

Wait a minute.

Yes, William?
Has it occurred to you that

maybe you're throwing all this
psychology at everybody else

as a way of ignoring
your own issues?

What do you --
What do you mean?

It seems like since
you gave up the priesthood,

you've lost
your sense of identity,

so you started
poking at all of us

because it's scary
to look at yourself

and realize that
you're not that special anymore.

Do you think maybe
that's what's going on here?

Heavy truths
from a tiny man.

You've given me
a lot to chew on.

Thanks, buddy.

That was amazing.
How did you do that?

I just started
talking like him.

I think that's all
he wanted.

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

♪♪

Don't they ever get tired
of making a spectacle?

Sabotaged
by one of my own kids.

Oh, let it go.
Try to enjoy your poi.

What kind of monsters
are we raising?

They're animals.
They eat dirt.

They fall off things.
They save their farts in jars.

Probably
put that fork in there

just to see
what would happen.

I never said
it was a fork.

♪♪

Sure you did.

All I said
was something metal.

No, you said fork.
I'm sure you...

All right,
I hated that thing.

My God, it was you.

Look, I told you I didn't
want it in my kitchen,

which is my domain,
but you never listen!

You always do things your way,
like you're Frank Sinatra.

You stuck a knife in my back...
with a fork!

I'm a housewife, Mike.

I'm not some space woman
from "Star Trek."

I want to cook normal food
my own way in my own house,

except for
the one night a year

when I want to eat out
and go dancing

because
it's our anniversary!

And you wanted to go
to Bat Night.

[ Scoffs ]
Wait, our -- our anniversary.

Today?
Mm.

Tonight?

Wh...Why didn't you
tell me?

I did,
but you never listen.

Adult Timmy:
It was a magnificent coup de grace by my mother,

particularly because
it wasn't their anniversary.

In a tight spot,
my mom was known

to push this button
up to four times a year.

This was unforgivable.

Peg, I...

I am so sorry.

Well...

I'm sorry, too,

for the much less bad thing
that I did.

I guess I wasn't listening
to you about the microwave

because I was so excited
thinking that

I might be
able to help you.

Help me?
With what?

I see how you slave
for me and the kids.

Shovelling food
into us all day

like it's feeding time
at SeaWorld. Oh.

I thought maybe
that stupid machine

could make things easier,
maybe make you happy.

Oh, hon.

I don't want to be happy.

I like things
just the way they are.

♪♪

I'll do a much better job
listening. I promise.

I'm a big dope,
and I'd be lost without you.

Okay, then.

And I'll try to remember
anniversaries.

I guess
I could write it down.

Aww, don't worry.
I'll remind you.

♪♪

Guys, wait.

What if the Fotomat guy peeked
and called the authorities?

Lewis is cool.
He's done jobs for me before.

What if
Timmy's right?

Maybe just one of us
should go.

♪♪

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Deep voice ]
Good morning.

The name
is Jorgellington.

Here you go. $11.47.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Brakes squeal ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Normal voice ]
Thank you!

[ Police radio chatter ]

♪♪

[ Out of breath ]
Oh, that was close.

That cop might still be
on my tail!

You should lay low
for a few days.

I know a safe house
in Eagle Rock.

Boring stuff
at Davey's place,

your mom
asleep on the sofa,

your...
mom asleep on the floor.

Oh, my God.
There it is.

The legend of Barbara Eden's
"Bob Hope Show"

was one of those
great urban myths

which sweep across schoolyards
from time to time.

Let me see it. Joey.
There was absolutely nothing to see...

[ Indistinct shouting ]
...but nearly every pre-pubescent boy in America

claimed he had seen it.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Me neither!

I-I mean...

I've seen plenty,
just not one exactly like it.

You can see everything.

Sure, that photo
was just a picture

of Davey's brother's thumb,

but it started
me and Joey on a path

of raunchy, wonderful
boy adventures

all through
adolescence and beyond.

Ooh, la, la.

I love you, Barbara Eden.

My dad never gave up
embracing new technology

and trying to make things
better for my mother.

[ Grunts ]
It's called the Strap Vac.

Instead of pushing it,

you carry it on your back
around the house.

Less work.

[ Sighs ] For who?
The vacuum?

And he eventually
repaired the microwave

and Mom
made her peace with it --

as long as it stayed
out in the garage.

[ Ding ]

Here you go.

Mm! Toasty!

You're the best cook ever,
Mom!

[ Dogs barking in distance ]

It's not even on
anymore!

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