Original subtitles

[theme music]

[crowd cheering and applauding]

[shouting] What is up, Atlanta?

[crowd cheering]

Yeah.

Yeah!

I love this city. Everything's on a biscuit.

It's kind of my speed.

That's kind of where I live. I like it.

I found a new TV show to watch. That's the goal...

for many of us.

Let's be honest.

That's... You find a show. You find another show and then you die.

[crowd laughing]

It's what it is.

And the show I found is so fucking nice. It's so nice.

It's called The Great British Bake-Off.

-[crowd cheering] -It's so... fucking... Yeah!

You know why? Because it's nice.

If you haven't seen it I'll explain what it is.

It's British people baking in a field.

-[crowd laughing] -That's it.

That's the whole fucking show.

It's a competition,

but you would never know because they're British.

If you ask someone, ''What are you doing here?''

They go, ''I love cookies.''

-[crowd laughing] -That's it.

In America, we're such a war-like culture...

that everybody on our reality shows has to have the most tragic...

back story.

[crowd laughing]

If that show was made in America, it would sound like this:

''Jessica learned she liked baking when she was burned in a fire.''

[crowd laughing]

''Now, watch Jessica compete against...

the man who burned heeeeeeeer!''

-[crowd laughing] -[continuous stressing her]

[crowd laughing and applauding]

The psychotic American baking show.

[crowd laughing]

I'm a big fan of the winter. You guys like the winter? Yeah, right?

No? None of you?

-[woman] Boo! -Boo!

You're booing seasons?

[crowd laughing]

Boo!

You like the summer? Fuck the summer.

I don't like the summer. I don't like Instagram in the summer.

Because the entire class structure of America

is on display on Instagram in the summer.

In the winter it doesn't matter.

French Bulldog in a snowdrift? Who gives a fuck?

In the summer it is very easy to see

who's fucked and who isn't in this country.

Very easy. There are three classes of people.

This is what they post.

If you are rich, it is all Hamptons, pool parties, ros�.

-[crowd laughing] -Rich people.

Middle class people.

Bar crawls,

babies. Tough Mudder races.

You know who you are.

[crowd laughing]

Poor people. Memes.

[crowd laughing]

Pictures of french fries.

Religious images.

[crowd laughing]

If you have a picture of french fries, next to our lady of Guadalupe,

you're fucked.

[crowd laughing]

According to the Instagram class structure which is very rigid.

[crowd laughing]

Um... I'm actually a gay comedian. Sorry, nobody.

Uh... I hope there's a woman in the back that's, like, ''Oh, noooooo!''

[crowd laughing]

I don't know why I made her from Fargo. But, that's...

That's the type of woman I would end up with.

A severe woman. Aargh!

A woman who likes the winter.

[crowd laughing]

My manager called. He's, like, ''Wanna perform for gay runaway?''

I said, ''No, not really.'' He's, like, ''It's $30.''

I said, ''I'll be there at 3.''

To give back and do the right thing.

I was supposed to do 20 minutes of comedy. They cut my mic after 3.

Not a good sign.

I thought I had great advice for the kids. I still do.

I grabbed the microphone. I said, ''Hello gay runaways.''

I said, ''listen, I'm a gay person. I get wanting to be yourself.

But if the stakes are that high,

where someone's gonna kick you out, aaargh,

I would think about playing it straight.'' [laughs]

I don't like vaginas. But for pop tarts and indoor plumbing, I'll navigate one.

-[crowd laughing] -[shouting] Lie. What are you doing?

Sitting at the table, like, I got all this semen in my mouth.

[shouting intensely] Talk about the weather!

[crowd laughing]

Make shit up!

[crowd laughing]

She was like, you're done. I said, okay.

[crowd laughing]

That's fair.

Politics is very volatile, right now.

That's my surmise.

A...

That white supremacist is always in the news. Richard Spencer.

A... I'd never heard of this guy, until he got punched at a rally.

People were debating on Twitter. Is it justified?

Somebody came up to me and asked, do you think that's justified?

I said, well, let me tell you this.

I have been punched at a Pizza Hut lunch buffet...

and that was justified.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

[lowers voice] Just to give you an idea.

President Trump recently debated Twitter,

about transgender people in the military.

I don't think the military was involved.

[chuckles] But...

the President debated military policy with Lena Dunham and Katy Perry.

It was very productive.

Very productive. I think everybody should be in the military. I do.

I'm good, but everybody else get in there.

[crowd laughing]

I'll tell you another thing.

CNN brought out a transgender Navy Seal...

to make the argument.

Which is... A transgender Navy Seal...

is a fascinating person.

That is a kid that grew up and was, like, ''If I'm certain of one thing,

it's that I'm a killer.''

[crowd laughing]

'''I don't know what form this is gonna take.

But I am a bringer of death.''

[crowd laughing]

''I don't know what bathroom I'll use, but when I leave it,

I'm gonna murder somebody.''

[crowd laughing]

Very tough to have a job you don't like. Anybody have a job they hate?

-[crowd] Yeah! -What do you do?

-[man] Sales. -Sales? What do you sell?

-I.T. -Uggh! Yeah...

That's a rough one. I thought it was human trafficking

or something with a future.

-[crowd laughing] -Here--

Here's how you know. It's very tough in America to have a shitty job.

Nobody cares. I can prove to you nobody cares you have a shitty job.

There is a show on television...

where rich CEO's...

dress up as the poor people

at the companies they own to fuck with them.

[crowd laughing]

That is a show on TV called Undercover Boss.

It is the cruelest and most watchable show.

It's never a company where you need to figure out what's going on.

It's never, like, Undercover Boss: Goldman Sachs.

[crowd laughing]

It's always a shitty hot dog truck at a fair.

The last episode I watched was at Popeye's chicken.

I love Popeye's chicken. [deep breath] You're looking at me, like,�No.

I love... Popeye's chicken.

I had no idea Popeye's even had a CEO.

I thought it was just fried chicken and yelling.

-[crowd laughing] -I had no idea.

The CEO of Popeye's goes undercover. Does what he has to do.

Puts a cigarette out on his eye. Acid burn on his face.

Covers himself in blood. He walks in...

-[crowd laughing] -[Tim chuckles]

and he says to the cashier... He goes, ''Hey, what's your biggest problem?''

The cashier at Popeye's...

responds to that, by saying this.

She goes, ''Well, sometimes we run out of apple pies.''

[crowd laughing and applauding]

That's your fucking biggest problem, as a cashier, at Popeye's?

How many takes did they have to use to get that answer?

[crowd laughing]

The first answer was, ''Yeah, we got problems.

People keep giving birth... in the bathroom.

There's placenta all over the floor and my hands.

Nobody wants soggy placenta biscuits.

Can you get AIDS from placenta?

I just came to work and I'm a godfather. This is ridiculous.

One of the executives was, like, ''Let's go with apple pies.''

[crowd laughing]

You also know it's fake because they never talk about the Illuminati.

I've worked low-wage jobs.

We talk about the Illuminati, aaaall the time.

[crowd laughing]

Before I was a comedian, I was a tour guide on a double-decker bus

in New York City. Have you guys ever taken a bus in New York City?

Five people? Fuck the rest of you.

What? Are you too good to pay $85

to hear me make up facts about the Empire State Building?

And get corrected by a nine-year-old nerd from Tennessee?

On his iPhone, like, ''It's actually 1400 feet.''

-Get off. Now. -[crowd laughing]

When you work in tourism in NYC

you learn you're racist, against races you had no idea existed.

I had no idea I hated Dutch people. No idea.

And fuck you if you don't hate Dutch people.

They have sing-songy voices. When they talk they go, ''Wuh-uh-uh-uh.''

They sound like reindeer. It's disgusting.

[crowd laughing]

I had no idea how cool Saudi's were.

Saudi's are so rich, they tip oil and it's nice.

You get a handful of petroleum when you've done a good job.

This is how I know I love Saudi's.

I was on my tour bus, two years ago, and I knock over a woman

because I'm a pig.

I knock her over and feel horrible.

Her husband comes running up to me and he's angry. You can see it.

I'm standing there bracing myself. And he goes, ''Excuse me.

Was she bothering you?''

I was, like, ''No, I knocked her over.'' He goes, ''She was in your way.''

I was, like, [squeaking] ''She was kind of in my way.''

He's, like, ''She won't bother you again.''

I think it's for the best. [squeaking] How cool are they?

[crowd laughing]

So accomodating.

I'm from Long Island. Ah... New York.

That's what it deserves. Thank you.

-[crowd laughing] -You came in late.

I'm... [laughter]

Lot of people don't like Long Island. Lot of people shit talk Long Island. And...

a lot of them are right. I wanna know why? How do they know?

How do they know? I figured it out. People do not judge an area

based on a book... or research.

They judge an area

based on the reality show, about that area.

And Long Island's most popular reality show...

is a crazy woman,

who pretends to talk to dead people.

It's true. It's called Long Island Medium. I don't know if you've seen it.

She's like an Italian gypsy woman.

I forget her name. It's like, Teresa a La Vodka. Disgusting.

It's like, Teresa Antipasto for three. I don't know.

She gets these sad parents together,

in the back of shitty, Italian restaurants in Long Island.

Because when kids from Long Island come back from the dead,

they will only do so if they can eat Ravioli one more time,

in a strip mall with this witch.

[crowd laughing]

Here's what you learn from the show.

You learn that people from Long Island do not deserve

to talk to their dead relatives,

based on the horrible questions they ask.

It's always a guy that's like, ''Teresa, is that my daughter?

Is that her? Is that Ashley Rose Marie Nicole? Is that her?

Okay, can you ask her if she's seen my wrench, please?''

[crowd laughing]

She's not psychic.

It's that Long Island breeds a very specific type of monster.

It's one of the only places in the country where she can walk out and be like,

''Excuse me, I'm getting a feeling.

Has anybody's toddler died in a jet ski accident?''

And seven people are, like, ''Yes, Teresa, my son did.

He could not handle the power. We are ashamed of him.''

''Does anybody have Billie Joel lyrics tattooed on their inner thigh?''

''My wife and her sister, Teresa.''

''Anybody has a tattoo

of an American Eagle cloaked in an Italian flag,

riding a motorcycle through the twin towers?

Everybody I know.

[crowd laughing]

Every human being I've ever met...

[crowd laughing]

...has that tattoo.

Friend of mine bought a house.

Here's the thing, people who have bought things.

[crowd laughing]

Okay.

This is something you can do. I don't know, if you know you can.

You could just shut the fuck up about it.

You really can. You could just keep it a secret even.

Just shut the fuck up.

My friend is now an economic advisor because he owns a house.

He says ridiculous things.

He's like, yeah, people who own things treat them better than people who rent.

[crowd laughing]

Excuse me?

It's completely untrue.

Completely untrue. Do you agree?

[shouting] Alright, let me prove it. I'll prove it right now that you're wrong.

I'll prove it to you.

Picture something, in your life, that you treat better because you own it,

versus something you've borrowed and have to return.

Nothing. Nothing.

Be honest. If I own something it's for one reason.

So I can destroy it, myself.

Do you know why 60% of Americans are overweight?

Because we own our bodies.

If your body was a lease you'd treat it with more respect.

Because it would be fucking humiliating to return.

[crowd laughing]

I would go to the dealership and they would say,

''Mr. Dillon, we gave you this, six fucking months ago,

without stretch marks or psoriasis.''

[crowd laughing]

Thank you guys so much. You've been great.

[crowd wowing and cheering]

[crowd applauding]

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