All language subtitles for The Comedy Lineup s01e07 Jak Knight.eng

[theme music playing]

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

[crowd applauding, cheering]

What's good? What's good?
What's good? What's good?

Here we go. Here we go.

What's up?

Yeah, niggas. All right. Cool.

It's great to be in Atlanta.

Atlanta is a black ass city,
you know what I mean?

-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah. Yeah.

I... My favorite
white people city is Austin.

If someone held a gun, like, ''Name your
top favorite white people cities.''

I'd be, like,
''Austin, bitch. Pull the trigger.''

-[crowd laughing]
-[Jak chuckles]

I was in Austin, going to a festival.
I was on the plane.

I was on the phone
with my girl waiting to take off.

You know how the sky waitress comes by?

Puts you in an arm bar
to get your phone from you.

All extra about this shit.

I put the phone away facing towards me.
Took my sweater up.

Put my seat belt on. Got situated.
Was living my best life.

Realized a phone call was coming in.

Reached for it. Missed it.
I was, like, oh, shit.

It came from the girl I was messing around
with before my girlfriend.

But within that nine month... ugh!

-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

This is verbatim the voicemail she left.

''Hey, Jak. I need you to call me back,
right now. Oh, my God. Shit.

I never thought this would happen. Just
call me back now. Please.''

I was, like, shit. So, I call her.

I called her back immediately,
but the plane started to take off.

It's getting so high
that my phone call just dies.

So I'm just in the air for three hours,
just being a father.

-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

And I go through the full emotional range
of that shit.

That hour when I hadn't really thought
about it

I ain't raising no damn kids. [chuckles]

I put a black in my mouth. I'm, like,
Hey I'm an asshole. This is my life.

That second hour I marinated on it.
I thought about it.

I'm not gonna be like my dad.

I'm gonna stop by from time to time.

-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

Teach that little nigga
some cool hand shakes.

Like, ''What's that?''
Then get in an Uber.

-[crowd laughing]
-[Jak chuckles]

That third hour I really sat with it.
You know what I can't stand?

The public school system in this country.

It makes no fucking sense
that we give money to the government

and none of it goes to public school

and my baby, in the drama department
wanna dance. Let my baby dance.

[crowd cheering, applauding]

Plane lands, I call my girl five times.

"Answer the phone. Answer the fucking
phone."

-''Hey.''
-''What the fuck is going on?''

She's, like,
''I wanna let you know I miss you.

I know you have a girlfriend,
but I want to let you know how I feel.''

-I was, like, ''I miss you too.''
-[crowd laughing]

And hung up and text her,
''Don't you ever call me again.''

[crowd laughing]

A lot of ya'll tweaking.
"Why didn't you cuss her out?

That was an irresponsible voicemail.
I would've been so mad about it.

I would've cussed her out.

And I agree with you but you just become
more patient as a dad.

[Jak chuckles]

Yeah.

I live in LA.

I didn't know all these dicks were being
pulled out. I didn't know.

-[crowd laughing]
-[Jak chuckles]

Don't let sexual deviants ruin
pulling out your dick for everybody else.

Fellas, read the room. What the fuck?

-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles] Know what I mean?

Nothing wrong with pulling out a dick.
Gets you were you gotta go.

-But outside? Nigga, what? [chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

All these dudes are sexual deviants

who use their power over women
to abuse them�in public.

They're on their way to the bathroom.
Be like, ''Where you think you're going?''

-''To the bathroom.''
-''You know I'm 35% of Amazon.''

-''So?''
-''No, it's 40%.''

[crowd laughing]

Damn bro, she's trying to go dookie.
Why you trying to [chuckles]...

[crowd laughing]

I hate when people are, like, ''Why do
women freeze up? Push him away.

Or get away from him.''
They ground hogging, nigga.

They gotta slurp it back up
and figure out what the fuck to do.

''Come on, Sheila. These are bloody shoes.
You gotta figure this out.'' [chuckles]

[crowd laughing]

All that does is ruin it
for the young mahfuckers.

Don't know how to pull out his dick, yet.
Ain't got game, yet. He in his dorm,

with his girl. She weird. He weird. They
figuring it out.

He pull...

He pull his dick out too early.
That's offsides. That's ten yards.

Why you trying to take his jersey away,
New York Times? He's trying to learn.

-[crowd laughing]
-[Jak chuckles]

I pull my dick out, all the time.

I got a black girlfriend
so she's not as dramatic about it.

[crowd laughing]

The news ain't talk about that.

-[crowd laughing]
-[Jak laughs]

Ya'll ever pull out your dick
in front of your black girlfriend?

-You know what I'm talking about, nigga.
-[crowd laughing]

You never done it? You be, like, ''Ah!''
She be like, ''Nigga, I'm on the phone.''

[crowd laughing]

"Yeah, girl. He bored again
doing helicopter dick.

I don't know what's wrong with the nigga.
He's pissing me off.

It's pissing me the fuck off."

''Pay attention to me.''

-[crowd laughing]
-[Jak chuckles]

All jokes aside, this is a beautiful thing
happening for women.

This is a revolution. This is progression
that should've happened...

-[crowd cheering]
-...a long time ago!

I hope it spreads past New York.
I hope it spreads past Hollywood.

To people that don't have the same level
of voice.

I hope the girl, who works at Petco,

doesn't have to deal with the nigga
holding a lizard with his dick out.

-Like...
-[crowd laughing]

They need the same voice, too.
Do you ever notice?

All this aside,
do you ever notice any time

something wonderful happens for women,
there's a female revolution.

Lesbians start talking shit
to straight dudes.

[crowd laughing]

Nobody was talking to ya'll,
you taper fades. Get out of my face.

[crowd laughing]

I'm just saying,
they be talking so much shit. But, like...

They be, like, ''I told you.
Men have no idea how to treat women

or make her feel like the woman she is.''

''Yeah, bitch, you got the cheat codes.

-What are you talking about?''
-[crowd laughing]

Lesbians have the up, down, up, down,
left, right, left, right, a, b, a, b

You think I'm impressed by ya'll?
I'm not.

I can see people pulling away like,
"That's mean." No, nigga.

Lesbians have the easiest gay.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

Any girl could go up to any girl
in this room,

''Hey you wanna make out?'' You be like,
''No, maybe. Who gives a fuck?''

-''I don't know, aah?''
-[crowd laughing and applauding]

Could you imagine if I pulled up
on my nigga, Darius?

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

Lick your lips. We're gonna figure out
where we are on this spectrum.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

He gonna sock me and my mamma. And...
[chuckles]

He's trying to prove we're equal.
Nigga, shut the fuck up.

My best friend in the world is a lesbian.

We got to bars. We be hitting on girls.
I see what she does. It's not impressive.

All she does is walk up to a girl,

she comments on her eyebrows,
they touch big toes,

and right then
and there they share a lease.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

Are ya'll over there agreeing
with Wendy Williams?

Ya'll ain't impressive.

You're not.

-[Jak laughs]
-[crowd laughing]

Ya'll know what this is, right?
The whole Me Too movement.

The whole movement is women
and men alike are all mad at 45.

They want him gone for doing the same
shit all these other guys are doing.

We're getting consolation pervs
in the meantime,

until the whole tower of patriarchy
falls down underneath them.

It's a very good idea. But, ugh!
He's boring. It's corny.

I don't like anything about it.
Talking about it, making jokes.

Remember how fun the Internet was?
Remember how silly everybody was?

Now everybody needs a political opinion.

All ya'll tweeting some political shit.
We weren't like that.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

Everybody on the Internet talks politics,
except for Instagram models.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd wows]

They're the only bipartisan thing
we got left.

Go on the Internet, it's like,

''It's your fault, you're racist.''
"It's your, you're a cuck.''

''I spilled a raspberry daiquiri
on my tits. Mm-hmm.''

-[Jak laughs]
-[crowd laughing, applauding]

And there's always a piece of me.

There's always a peace be sitting there,
like, ''We're gonna be all right.''

That's the third party I vote for.
[chuckles]

I wanna be an Instagram model.
Life looks great.

Sit around with their booty cheeks out,
eating sushi. That's fire.

[crowd laughing]

I want that but no one cares
about men being hoes.

No one cares about the inner thot in me.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

All Instagram models is be cute
and wait to be drafted by draft picks.

I want that. You know.

Nobody will watch basketball husbands.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

WNBA husbands?
Ya'll would watch that shit?

[crowd laughing]

You know what that show would be?
Dudes picking up their girl from the arena

and taking them to they second job.

-And they...� [laughs]
-[crowd cheers, applauding]

-Aah!
-[crowd wows]

Real niggas talk shit.

-[crowd applauding]
-[Jak laughs]

Okay, I'm going a little hard.
I apologize.

Let's take a step back, uh...

How was your holiday?

-[Jak laughs]
-[crowd laughing]

I was home. Most of you young people
know what I'm talking about.

When you a young person
and go home for the holidays,

all you do is sit there
and defend your generation.

That's all. You get yelled at
about your fucking generation.

I'm a young black dude.

Don't know if you know,
but there's a civil war going on

between old black dudes
and young black dudes.

Old niggas hate us.

Any older cousin, Uncle,
nigga named Darnell.

-They don't want nothing to do with us.
-[crowd laughing]

I came home for Thanksgiving
wearing pink socks.

This nigga spit stuffing out. [spits]

Why all of ya'll gay?

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

I was like, ''You just met my girlfriend.
I don't know how to answer that.''

It pisses me off that old niggas do it.
Like, ''Why ya'll act like that?

Why ya'll weird? Why ya'll act like that?
Why ya'll weird?'' The government.

[crowd laughing]

The same way you acted weird
when you were young.

Cause of the government.

The FBI wanted to destroy black men

so we couldn't build equity
in our communities.

To be detached from our families.

They made economic obstacles,
the prison system, flooded us with drugs.

Subsequently, it would lead
to a generation of black men

raised by their grandma's and their moms,
just like me.

Creating a generation of sassy ass niggas.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd cheering, applauding]

It blows my mind when old niggas are like,
''Why ya'll got pink dreads,

and face tattoos,
and dance flamboyantly?''

Because, nigga, Reagan.

-Ooh, ooh, ooh!
-[crowd laughing]

You don't think Lil Uzi Vert was
on the FBI's vision board?

What the fuck you talking about?

I be arguing with my girl.
We be going at it. But it's like,

I only know how to argue like my momma.
My momma raised me.

I can see where it's like man thing,
woman thing, man thing.

We be up in there like...

-Tin, tin, tin tin!
-[crowd laughing]

Just full on Love and Hip Hop reunion.

Just, ''Nah, nah, nah!''

Throwing champagne until I admit I watched
Stranger Things when she went to work.

-[Jak laughs]
-[crowd cheering, applauding]

[Jak laughs]

Ya'll together?

How long you been together?

[woman] Almost three years.

Three years? How's the...

The fucking!

[crowd laughing]

[Jak] It's good?

You got a little choked up
in the front of that.

You ever fake it?

-[woman] No!
-Never? Bullshit.

You tell me this nigga comes home,
everyday... [mimicking a trumpet]

There's no way. You have a job, right?

You tell me you don't get yelled at
by you boss and get sad and have to...

shove that 66 percent-er in her
and call it a day?

You know? When it feels like biscuit mix.

That's it. I'm sad today.
This is what it's going to be.

This is what it's gonna be.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

Women fake it and they tell you
and that's mean.

You know? They're, like,
''I faked it. I faked it.''

That's mean. You know why? It's never
informative, it's always vindictive.

A girl's never like,
''I faked it. Let's build.''

[crowd laughing]

They're like, ''I faked it, argh!''

That didn't help the situation.

Girls think they're special
because they get to say it. Guess what?

Guys fake it, too. I fake it all the time.

I just fake it
minutes after I actually cum.

[crowd laughing]

Ya'll never do that?

Where you be like,
''Ah, ah, ah!'' [grunts]

[crowd laughing]

[clucking]

[mimicking drum roll]

Check the clock, though.
Check the clock, though.

The whole time I'm in her like...

[grunts, groans]

Like a rapper on cough syrup.
Just Weezy F. Baby.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

Twenty-one. 21. 21. Migo.

I learn a lot from women.
I learn a lot from everybody.

A lot from my girl about women.

I wanted to put her on birth control
cause my career's going good.

-[Jak chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

Women have to do everything
about birth control.

They have to take all the things.

The pill, the patch, the implant,
the diaphragm.

If your old bitch trying to get back
in the game.

[crowd laughing]

Go ahead and put that jello,
cobalt bean, Joyce.

I ain't mad at you. [chuckles]

Women have to do everything
when it comes to birth control.

That's systemic shit men set up
and it's shitty. But I get it.

We're better creatures now.
More responsible.

You get a pap smear every year on the dot.
You take a pill at 2:30 am

just in case I fuck up.
You go to the doctor.

Guys don't go to doctors.

If there was male birth control,
you think we would go? No.

We'd rather go to a nigga
behind the Carl's Jr.

[crowd laughing]

Who's name is Gerber.
His Plan B is a Capri-Sun straw

and shoots it up our dick.

''Ugh! I just leave it in?''

You selling that rice cooker?

I don't have any kids. [chuckles]

I don't have any kids. My version
of birth control, you know what that is?

I just have sex with well-off, ambitious,
liberal women.

-[Jak laughs]
-[crowd laughing]

Yeah!

A lady with some goals?
That's contraception. It works a 100%.

You don't get pregnancy scares.
You just get abortion memos. [laughs]

From a LinkedIn account
you didn't know you had.

This all happened today? I was playing 2K
with my niggas. I didn't know.

They made male birth control in India.
You know how India been making shit.

Sent it to the big pharmacy companies
in America. They decide not to distribute.

They, as men, didn't want to use it
and thought no other male would.

But they're all white, frumpy,
middle-aged dudes.

They're not even good at fucking.

They telling young niggas how to pipe.
Young, spry niggas how to pipe.

That is crazy. All you do is wiggle on top
of your half-asleep wife.

And you telling me... Ugh! I'm mad, dog.
Do a survey!

-[Jak laughs]
-[crowd laughing]

Ask around. You don't think I'm tired
of putting Plan B in french toast?

-I'm just saying. [laughs]
-[crowd laughing]

Ugh! Dog. Women's march next year,
I'm gonna be there.

Bright and early. I hate men, too.
Hate them.

I got my sign made. I'm gonna be there,
bright and fucking early.

My body, my choices.
Condoms suck up all the moistness.

-[Jak laughs]
-[crowd laughing]

Thank you so much. Have a good night.

-[crowd cheering and applauding]
-[theme music]

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