Original subtitles

[theme music]

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Wow. Hey.

[Phil laughing] Hey, guys.

Hey, man. Hey.

How's it going? Good to hear.

Yeah.

-It's me, Phil Wang. -[crowd] Phil Wang!

Yeah, brother. Phil Wang.

Holy shit! All Wangs in the house.

Philly Philly Wang Wang here at last.

-[crowd laughing] -[Phil laughing]

Old Wangnam style. Hot damn.

[crowd laughing]

Quit rubbing your eyes, buddy. Believe it. It's me, Phil Wang.

In the flesh.

Old, old Kim Jung Fun.

-Aaa-- -[crowd laughing]

Starting is the hardest part.

Comedians employ tricks to make starting go more smoothly.

What a lot of comedians like to do is start by...

by pointing out a celebrity they look like.

You know, like a... like a...

like a weird thing they might bare a resemblance to.

It's funny. Apparently, if you look at me, right?

And like squint really hard....

aaa... that's racist.

-So, don't do it. -[crowd laughing]

[someone clapping hands]

Horrible impression.

-[crowd laughing] -[Phil laughing]

[taking deep breath]

It's lovely to be here, in Atlanta. I'm not from here.

I'm from the UK.

Oh my god. I love my accent.

[crowd laughing]

It's hot. It's hot.

I a... Thank you.

I am...

twenty eight years old.

I'm getting old. Holy shit, I'm old.

Twenty eight's old as hell. Don't look at me like that, lady.

Twenty eight... is so old.

All these milestones are zipping by me without me noticing.

I'm at an age, now, where all my friends have started having podcasts.

-And-- -[crowd laughing]

[crowd laughing and applauding]

It's horrible.

They're all asking when I'm gonna have one of my own. I don't know.

[crowd laughing]

Don't want to settle down, just yet.

Still looking for that one special microphone.

-I a-- -[crowd laughing]

I'm old as shit, man. My body's going to hell in a handbasket.

My farts now. Oh, shit. My farts are terrible.

My farts have become so bad. I thought my farts were bad before.

They were, practically, aroma therapy. My farts now--

-[crowd laughing] -revolting. Just, uggh...

Ha... ha... Have you ever done a fart so bad,

that you lost a bar of wifi?

-Cause I swear-- -[crowd laughing]

I was at home the other night, and let one rip, and Netflix got fuzzy.

-You know-- -[crowd laughing]

If you're watching this at home and my face just got grainy...

someone in your room just let the devil out.

-A-- -[crowd laughing]

It's a real privilege to be here, doing a little Netflix special.

It's wonderful to be here. I watch a lot of Netflix.

-A... a... -[crowd laughing and applauding]

I think they're a wonderful company, with excellent taste.

[crowd laughing]

I don't watch none of them horror movies they have.

Oh, I hate scary movies.

Yuck. I hate scary movies.

[crowd laughing]

Does anyone like scary movies?

[crowd wowing]

Yeah? Go fuck yourselves. I hate scary movies.

[crowd laughing]

They're too scary.

[crowd laughing]

Have you noticed? They scare the shit out of me, every time.

They make me feel like a little bitch, every time.

I hate... Every time I see a scary movie

little Wang is scared for days, aw!

[crowd laughing]

I curl up, I can't sleep, I cry. I hate scary movies.

There are people out there who love them. People that seek them out.

Who specifically enjoy the sensation...

of being scared...

by a movie.

I don't understand that impulse, at all.

I've... I've never been frightened...

in real life...

and gone: ''Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Oh, no. Please.''

[expressing fear and frustration]

-Yeah, I'll pay for that. Yeah, all right. -[crowd laughing]

That was horrible. I'll feel that again for a price. Sure.

[crowd laughing]

Makes no sense to me.

But I have a friend like this. Back in the UK I have a friend, Jason.

Loves scary movies, Jason.

He loves scary movies. Can't get enough scary movies.

Absolutely adores scary movies, does our Jason.

Now, Jason is, hum...

black.

Which I only mention

because you imagined him white, and he isn't.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

He's black. Black guy.

His race is not particularly irrelevant in this joke.

-Why shouldn't you have the whole picture? -[crowd laughing]

Seems unnecessary. Jason's always trying to get me

to go to the cinema to watch scary movies with him.

But I was like noooo, black Jason. I don't say that.

-[Phil shouting] I say no. -[crowd laughing]

I say no, Jason my friend. No.

I don't wanna go to the cinema

[funny voice] and watch a scary movie.

I don't want to pay money to feel worse.

[crowd laughing]

That's all it boils down to for me.

I don't want to pay money and feel worse.

That's a bad exchange in Wang's books.

[crowd laughing]

That's a raw deal.

I was thinking about it. It's such a Western privilege,

don't you think?

To be able to enjoy something like a...

scary movie.

What a first world...

Western... privilege.

I mean, how comfortable... is your life...

that you have the time, expendable income,

and desire...

to pay money...

to feel fear.

[crowd laughing]

For fun.

[crowd laughing]

Oh, oh, oh, This is what it feels like, oh, oh It's pathetic.

-Like-- -[crowd laughing]

That's a purely Western privilege.

Like, no one in Syria saw The Babadook. They don't need it.

-They-- -[crowd laughing]

They're busy. The market's flooded for horror, there, there, there.

I don't know. It's a kind of masochism, isn't it?

Enjoying a scary movie is a sort of masochism.

To derive a sort of perverse pleasure from a pain. Masochism.

And I understand masochism. I have to say I do under...

understand masochism.

-Because, ah-- -[crowd laughing]

Because I love spicy food.

Humpf!

Yeah, classic masochism there.

Hurts me on my fat Chinese lips, but, humpf...

-[crowd laughing] -Spicy Wang wants it 24/7.

[crowd laughing]

I guess spicy food is my scary movies, right?

If you think about it, spicy food is a lot like...

scary movies.

You know? If it's good, you feel alive, excited. An addictive...

[crowd laughing]

If it's really good,

-you shit yourself. -[crowd laughing]

[crowd continuously laughing]

Mmmm!

That's me. Phil Wang. I'm Phil Wang.

As my name suggests, I am half white and half Chinese in that order.

-[deep breath] -[crowd laughing]

Which technically makes me the world's most powerful race.

-[crowd laughing] -[Phil laughing]

No matter what happens over the next 50 years, I'm fine.

-I-- -[crowd laughing]

I used to think I was a minority.

-I'm both majorities. -[crowd laughing]

It's great, man. I'm alien and predator. Like--

[crowd laughing and applauding]

Whoever wins, Wang wins.

[crowd laughing]

That's my motto.

It's the way of the world. White people and Chinese people...

rule the world.

Cause of all that time they've saved not to dancing.

-[deep breath] -[crowd laughing]

I a... [making funny laughter]

Anyway, I'm from the UK.

I grew up in Malaysia. A little country named Malaysia.

Where my father's from, and my mother's from England.

She flew to Malaysia.�Malaysia used to be part of the English empire.

My mother was sent, as a volunteer�archaeologist, to Malaysia

to dig it up,

see if they missed anything the first time around.

[crowd laughing]

When she got to Malaysia she noticed it was a dangerous place, right?

She decided to take up martial arts lessons to learn how to,

-oh yeah, to defend herself. -[crowd laughing]

She turns up at the Dojo

and who was my mother's kung fu teacher?

But ?oooold? papa Wang.

[crowd laughing]

My father, not me. I don't call myself papa Wang.

[crowd laughing]

I didn't "Back to the Future" my mom. It was my dad.

Some half-white fellow. But I tended to be identified as Chinese in the West.

You tend to be defined�with what separates you from your environment.

In the UK and America, I'm a Chinese guy. In Malaysia I'm the white guy.

[crowd laughing]

That was me. All white Wang walking down the road. That was me.

All the locals would look out the window. Shit, white Wang's coming.

-[crowd laughing] -Lock up the bread.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

I'm happy to be defined that way. I'm proud to be Chinese.

It's great being Chinese.

We don't tell ya'll cause we don't want you joining.

[crowd laughing]

It's too many members already, but...

it's great. It's great being Chinese.

Lot of perks. Lot of perks to being Chinese.

Good family values. Fun festivals.

Um, You don't have to change the color on your emoji's.

Saves a lot of time.

-[crowd laughing] -[Phil laughing funny]

-Um, -[crowd laughing]

You get to learn some funky languages, as well, when you're Chinese.

When I was a kid in Malaysia I learned some Mandarin. Mandarin Chinese.

I've forgotten a bit of my Mandarin.

The bit that I've forgotten is all of the reading and writing.

[crowd laughing]

Chinese writing is very difficult, It's not like English.

There's no alphabet from which you can build any word that comes into your head.

[making funny sounds]�Quidditch. Fuck off.

-[crowd laughing] -Chinese--

Chinese is a real... language.

You just have to memorize ten thousand pictures--

[crowd laughing]

and hope for the best.

[crowd laughing]

The speaking tends to be more manageable. Speaking Chinese.

I try to practice my speaking whenever I can.

I had an opportunity, recently, in Kuala Lumpur. The capitol of Malaysia.

I was talking to a woman, who I thought was Chinese. She looked Chinese to me.

[crowd laughing]

She was Chinese. I get it right every time.

[crowd laughing]

I'm working on a perfect score. I said, where are you from?

She said, China. And I thought, yes, perfect score.

Then I thought what a prime opportunity for young Wang, over here,

to demonstrate his mad Mandarin skills in front of a local.

So, I plucked up my courage and came up with a plan.

I decided, I was going to tell her, in Mandarin, that I could speak Mandarin.

In Mandarin. Mandarin squared. Mandarin-ception.

[crowd laughing]

So, I got ready and I said, oh, you're from China.

[Phil speaking Mandarin]

[crowd laughing]

Then she said

''Hmm, hmm. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

And that was it. [Phil shouting]

I was so annoyed. I thought she'd be more impressed,

that White Wang could speak Chinese, but whatever.

Whatever. We continue our conversation in English.

We get onto the subject of why she is in Malaysia.

She tells me that she's traveling.

I decide to try my Mandarin one more time.

And ask her if she's traveling alone.

So, I said

[Phil speaking Mandarin]

-[taking deep breath] -[crowd laughing]

Then, she said...

Oh, you speak Chinese.

[crowd laughing]

On the one hand,

[crowd laughing]

I was glad she now knew I could speak Chinese.

But on the other hand,

what did she think I was doing the first time?

[crowd laughing]

Because from her perspective, I went ''Oh, you're from China.''

[Phil speaking funny Mandarin]

?Ching ching chong, ching ching�chong Ching ching, pong pong, dong dong?

[crowd laughing and applauding]

She was so polite. She went...

-[affirmation sound] -''Yeah, okay.''

[crowd laughing]

''Yeah, okay.''

That's us. Right.

[crowd laughing]

I'm practicing my Mandarin to prepare for the...

the oncoming invasion. The Chinese invasion that's coming West.

It's happening. It's happening, guys. China's coming.

China coming. I'm not supposed to tell you,

I'm breaking rank. China coming.

Watch yourselves. China coming. Wang's gone rogue. China coming, ya'll.

[crowd laughing]

I mean, I'll be fine, but I'm worried about you guys.

I've grown to like you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you.

Make no mistake about it, I will turn coat the second they get here.

I will not help you. You're on your own.

The second the Chinese get here, I will sell you suckers out,

faster than you can say Panda Express. The second they get here.

[crowd laughing]

How about ''Comrades, thank Buddha you're here. Yes, kill them.

[crowd laughing]

Kill these white demons. They're all...

They're all hiding in Whole Foods.

Kill them!

[crowd laughing]

The big one's are in Burger King. Use them for fuel.

-[Phil laughing] -[crowd laughing]

They're animals these white devils. A ha ha!

They celebrate New Years so early.

[crowd laughing]

They wear their shoes in my house. [shouting] Kill them.

[crowd laughing]

Turn their heads into one of our delicious broths.

Thanks so much for having me. I'm Phil Wang. Have a wonderful life.

Bye. Love you.

[crowd wowing, cheering and applauding]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0