Original subtitles

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

-[rhythmic music] -[crowd wowing and applauding]

Hellooooooooooo!

[crowd cheering and applauding]

How are we doing, you guys?

[crowd cheering]

Nice. That was most of you. Some of you got nervous.

Like, this chick looks Mormon. Okay, ha ha.

It's fine. I know what it is.

I got a real bad case of I'll raise your baby face.

Just very wholesome. Round and white like a chore wheel.

With eyes.

Men don't even picture me naked.

They picture me helping their mom on Easter.

Not that I think I'm ugly. I think I'm pretty cute.

But in an accessible way. Like when you see a shower curtain at Target.

-You're like: ''I could afford that.'' -[crowd laughing]

That is coming home with me. I got a gift card. Hey.

I'm what they call subjectively hot. Not everybody's cup of tea.

But somebody's gonna slurp from this hose. Know what I'm saying?

Like, we are fine. With the right lighting and bible verse on E-Harmony. Please.

We're good.

We are fine. But, I've never been a hot chick.

I have a lot of resentment towards women that have been hot their whole lives.

They get too much handed to them.

I watch horror movies

because they're the only place hot chicks are treated poorly.

Run for your life, Jenny. Should've invited us to the pool party.

His name's not Jason it's Karma. Run.

[crowd laughing]

It's not even her fault. It's my own insecurity

cause I was not cute growing up. I was a fat kid which is so much harder

than being a fat adult cause you don't have a car to eat in.

-You just gotta do it... -[crowd laughing]

in the road, you know?

You gotta work for it, aha.

I was an old soul.

Which is what adults call you when they don't wanna say loser

-in front of your parents. -[crowd laughing]

That's what that means.

If you don't know if you were a loser in middle school, let me help.

You can tell if you were based on how you react to one key phrase.

That phrase is: ''Okay, for the next exercise we're gonna partner up.''

Wow, a couple of people felt it.

Yeah, did your heart skip a beat?

And your stomach tightened. Maybe you peed a little bit.

You were a loser and I'm sorry you had to build your volcano alone.

[crowd laughing]

If you're thinking I don't know what you're talking about,

I have beautiful, perfect Polly Pocket hair.

Congratulation, prom queen. We all hate you.

[crowd laughing]

I don't know why I'm picking on you.

You didn't bully me in middle school, I just feel like you did.

[crowd laughing]

Projecting. [Taylor laughing]

I just had a birthday, which is great because I hate being young.

I'm so bad at it.

Being in your twenties is a lot like being in middle school,

except you know you're garbage now.

You're totally aware of it all the time.

I wake up everyday in my own bed, like: ''Shit I'm sorry.'' It's weird.

Being in your twenties is a lot like having a virus.

You can't do anything. You just have to wait until you're better.

[crowd laughing]

Everything is temporary and frustrating.

Dating in your twenties is like watching Titanic.

You're like, this isn't gonna work out, but...

let's just enjoy this first part, where we're hooking up in cars

and pretending he's not poor.

[crowd laughing]

I like poor guys. I watched Aladdin a lot as a kid.

No money or nipples? Get over here.

[crowd laughing]

And the whole time you're trying to get better as a person.

Throughout your twenties everyone's like ''Enjoy it.''

These are the best years of your life. Oh! The best years... of your life.

I'm like ''I just used a Taco Bell napkin as toilet paper.''

-[crowd laughing] -This gets worse?

[crowd laughing]

I just hung out with some girls, my own age, recently.

Never gonna do it again. Wasn't fun. They were not very self aware.

They're the types of girls that are like ''I'm going to Thailand to find myself.''

I'm like ''Did you check Starbucks? You might be in there.''

[crowd laughing]

One of them told me she's writing a memoir at 23.

Yeah, a memoir. I'm like ''Maybe start with a pamphlet, bitch. I don't know.''

Seems weird. If you're writing a memoir in your twenties,

you had better have been murdered. Like...

unless you've been murdered or that chick who got her arm bitten off by a shark

and kept surfing? No memoir, okay?

Those are the exceptions. You have to earn your autobiography.

Even then, you get one book. You don't get a sequel six months later.

Like ''Oh, he got my other arm.'' No, he didn't, Bethany.

You folded it in to your shirt.

-That's cheating. -[crowd laughing]

These girls did something so heinous when we were hanging out.

I use the term hanging out very loosely.

It was a terribly itinerary.

We woke up early. We went to yoga. Have you been? It's a nightmare.

It's hard and boring. It's like math for your body. It sucks.

Then we go to brunch which I can't believe is a word we still use.

I think it was brunch. We were all sharing a juice.

They start taking photos for Instagram. So many photos.

I don't know if you know, but if you don't take enough photos for Instagram,

you actually start to disappear like Marty McFly in Back to the Future.

[crowd laughing]

So, this girl is taking like 4 to 500 photos.

Just trying so hard to matter. And...

[crowd laughing]

She turns to all of us, at the table, and goes

''Okay, now let's do one where we're laughing.''

[crowd laughing]

And then all these girls around me went...

[crowd laughing]

Feel how horrible that was?

They didn't make any noise.

They just went through the motions, like an Atheist at Christmas.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

That's a candid photo to a lot of girls my age.

Just a lie, with a filter on it.

Have you seen these girls on Instagram?

Saying ''Oh yeah,

so weird that you caught me in this poppy field.

On a Tuesday in my ballgown. Hashtag blessed.

This is my routine.'' [Taylor laughing]

You've never looked like that. Not one day. I know what you did.

You spent all day on the internet, googling how to look

like a T-Swift music video, found a field on the side of the highway,

and hired Brett from high school to take pictures, on his nice camera,

which he's gonna edit for free in exchange for some over the jeans action.

-I see right through you. -[crowd laughing]

Candid means bad. That's what candid means.

Candid means you shouldn't have taken a photo.

You did it anyway.

Now there's evidence, alright?

Do you remember the 90's when you took a candid on a disposable camera?

Then you didn't see it for 30 days.

You went to be every night like ''Hope that shit pans out.''

[crowd laughing]

Then you went to Walmart a month later to pick it up

in that crappy paper taco sleeve.

Full of duplicates because you need one for every room of the trailer.

You went through, and you pulled it out, and it was the blurriest,

most horrible thing.

Three of your fingers are in the corner. Nobody's looking at the camera.

It's your aunt and uncle getting divorced in the background.

And you just wrote, pizza party 1998,

and put it in a scrapbook like it deserved to be a memory.

That was a candid photo.

[crowd wowing and applauding]

You're absolutely right. I'm a hero.

[crowd laughing]

I will say this for these girls, though.

I respect them for one reason and that is because they are enjoying their youth.

They're having fun. I respect that, okay?

They turn up the music. They're like ''This is my jam. Let's stay up all night.

We're all connected.'' I'm like ''Roll up the window we're on the freeway.''

Look, I am not... a good time and I know that.

I have so much respect for women who get dressed up and go out.

I have so much respect for the women here who got dressed up and came out.

You guys are amazing. Guys, you look good too.

I'm sure you ran a wet wipe over your situation.

Thank you so much. We are not worthy.

Of all the effort.

I like to give women extra credit

because I know how long it takes us to get ready to go out.

Oh, my god. Right? Yes.

Now we're on the same team. I still hate you.

Let's be real. No, I'm kidding.

Seriously though, jacket. Right? It's hard.

There's so much extra stuff we worry about as ladies.

Between the hair, and makeup, and mace, and self defense classes, and therapy.

It's like, no wonder we're always late to everything. Yeah?

Gotta put on the armor of the Lord, every day.

Just... [Taylor laughing]

No, being a woman's really fun until you wanna go on a walk by yourself.

Then you're like, dang it, but I got all these holes.

-I caaaan't... -[crowd laughing]

...just go strolling. It's drafty.

[crowd laughing]

Gotta plug those up. Well, that's my idea, yeah.

I can feel the men shutting down. I don't care.

Take a dump. Make a phone call. Not your joke, all right?

You don't have to worry about this.

You finish up a night, you're like, time to go home.

We finish up a night like ''Hope I make it.''

[crowd laughing]

The difference. We have to remember all the tips from Cosmo this month

about how to not die.

That's all Cosmo is.

Tips on how to get you guys off, how to not die.

How to get you guys off. How to not die.

Every third page they're like

[Taylor in funny voice] ''Buy some makeup you ugly, ugly bitch.''

[crowd laughing and applauding]

Have you seen the thing we're supposed to do with our keys

when walking alone at night?

Yes, you know. Good for you, jacket.

No one's putting you in a suitcase. Well done.

This is real. We're supposed to put our keys through our knuckles,

so they stick out like little party city claws.

Is that scaring anyone in the parking garage later? Like...

[Taylor expressing fear with sounds]

''Just get to the Prius, Lindsey. Just get there.

Oh, my God. That was a branch. We're okay.''

Good practice swing.

This is not a weapon. This is a joke Hugh Jackman makes in a commercial.

[crowd laughing]

I think about this all the time because I travel a lot as a lady.

Pretty much exclusively as a lady. And...

every once in a while, I'll go somewhere cool.

I talk to hotel staff like ''Where should I go? What should I do?''

They're like ''Oh, you're a woman. You're basically handicapped. Stay inside.

-[crowd laughing] -It's so offensive.

I'm so prepared. I have my mace, I have my claws.

And if all else fails I'm gonna walk around like this.

You know what this says? Not worth the jail time, bro.

Go for someone else.

Easy to catch. No fun to bone, alright?

I'm not your princess. You don't know what I'm smuggling down there.

That's some dark magic.

Curse of the black pearl.

You guys can use this. Is it ladies night?

Join arms. Do a little Wizard of Oz.

''Down the yellow brick road to safety.''

If your date's not laughing, he's for sure gonna kill you.

[crowd laughing]

I do that joke so the Tinder people get home safe. That's who that's for.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

All the married people are like

''If you were gonna kill me, you would've already.''

[crowd laughing]

A lot of people I went to high school with are getting married and having kids.

It's on Facebook. Probably in real life too, but who cares? And...

It's never the best people from high school that get married first.

It's never like, the valedictorian has a family now.

It's like ''Trashy Lauren made some garbage babies. Good for her.''

Every single time.

I'm not saying I don't want that. I do want to get married.

I don't think I'm ready. Sometimes I think I am.

I see those posts and want to be married. Fill that void, that emptiness.

But then I eat bread and I feel so much better.

Oh!

I just needed some carbs. I almost ruined my life.

That was... a close one.

You think you need to get married? Slam a sleeve of Ritz Crackers first.

Make sure that's not what you need.

If that doesn't work, lie under some warm laundry for an hour

then see how you feel.

It feels like being loved... unconditionally.

[crowd laughing]

I don't want to get married too young. I went to a wedding recently.

Very awkward. They were adorable. So in love.

Not ready for marriage. Here's how I knew.

In their bridal party they had 40 people.

Twenty bridesmaids. Twenty groomsmen. Forty.

Do you know any adults... with that many friends?

No, real adults have to struggle to think of a second emergency contact.

[crowd laughing]

Real adults invented Uber

because there was no one to drive us to the airport.

That's how you know you're ready for kids.

When you look at your partner and go

''It's just you and me. Let's make some friends.''

[crowd laughing]

''Get in here. I am lonely.''

[crowd laughing and applauding]

I can't get married yet because I am terrible at dating. I get defensive.

The last first date I went on the guy told me I was hard to read.

I'm like ''Maybe you're dyslexic. I gotta...''

-[crowd laughing] -So mad.

I'm not good at this hook up culture.

You talk to anyone 24 and ask where'd you meet.

They're like ''We met on this app. It's called, Just the Nips. Hear us out.''

Always something disgusting and horrible.

Men on dating apps treat women the way I treat dogs at the pet store.

I don't wanna take care of any. I just want to touch one till I get bored.

I'm like ''I don't know I didn't date in high school.''

I was religious. I was abstinent all through high school.

Didn't need to be. No one wanted to get in here. Ah!

Didn't need to lock the door. No one even jiggled the handle.

But... I signed the papers. I'm going to heaven, all right?

Even as an adult, I'm very sexually conservative.

Not that I'm bad at sex, okay?

I'll have you know, in bed, I am a wild animal.

Okay? Yeah, way more afraid of you, than you are of me.

[crowd laughing]

Guys my age, not that careful.

I don't know if any of you have tried to get a twenty something dude

from a dating app to wear a condom lately.

It's sort of like trying to convince a five year old to put a jacket on

over his Halloween costume.

-So, like ''No o o o o o o o o!'' -[crowd laughing]

-''You're gonna ruin i i i i i i it!'' --[crowd laughing]

-''A a a a a a a a a ah!'' -[crowd laughing and applauding]

[Taylor in frustration noises]

-''You can't even see i i i i i i i i t!'' -[crowd laughing and applauding]

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much, Atlanta.

[crowd cheering and applauding] -Thanks, guys.

-[rhythmic music] -[crowd cheering and applauding]

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