Original subtitles

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

-[rhythmic music] -[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

-What's up, bitches? How ya'll doiiiiiing? -[crowd cheering]

Oh, my...

God!

You guys are cute. Oh, hey bitch.

[crowd laughing]

I'm doing really well. Very exciting time for me.

I just turned 40. Whaaaat?

[crowd wowing and applauding]

I know, thank you so much.

I don't look 40, at all, because I'm happy.

-[crowd laughing] -And...

I'll take it. My friends are like:

"Girl, shit's gonna change when you're 40. You just see."

I'm like: "Shut up. What you talking about?"

-But, like a light switch, it changed. -[crowd laughing]

The minute I turned 40 I was like, I am all about comfort.

I have to be comfortable all the time.

I can't wear anything with buttons. Not with these tig 'ol bitties.

-Are you serious? -[crowd laughing]

The right breast is bigger, so it's always trying to come out.

-[crowd laughing] -I call it John McCain. It's like a P.O.W.

[crowd continuously laughing]

I was at San Francisco airport. They had a breastfeeding room.

I just went in there and took my bra off for two hours.

-[crowd laughing] -I'm all about that comfort.

This lady was like: "Do you have a baby?"

-I'm like: "Mind your business, bitch. -[crowd laughing]

I'm freeing my nipple. I'm 40."

[crowd laughing]

Fortyyyy?

I also realized, at 40, I cannot fake the funk anymore.

I used to be so good at small talk. It was my jam, you know?

I see someone, I'm like: "Oh, my God, those earrings. Yaeees.

Are those Etsy? What? You made them? Oh, my God."

-Fuck her. -[crowd laughing]

I don't care. I am so transparent, right now. I don't care.

It's too obvious, though.

I feel like Steve Harvey, Family Feud obvious.

You know?

He is always happier to see the black families

than he is the white.

-[crowd laughing] -What?

He's like: "We got the McLaughlin's.''

[Michelle shouting] ''And we got the Jones'."

[crowd laughing and applauding]

I hurt my neck.

[crowd laughing]

Fortyyy.

[crowd laughing]

I also realized at 40, I got too many friends.

Why do I know all these dummies?

I feel like a friend hoarder. They're just collecting dust.

I feel like I'm running a soup kitchen.

These bitches come over with�Tupperware and blankets. What you doing?

My husband was like: "Babe, why you know so many people?

Stop knowing so many people. Can you stop making eye contact?"

-I'm like: "I'll try." -[crowd laughing]

I had to take a deep dive and think about why I know all these people.

And real talk. I think it's because...

-I want a dope ass funeral. -[crowd laughing]

I do. I want it, like, standing room only. A hashtag.

-Maybe a dance mob breaks out. -[crowd laughing]

I want it to be multicultural.

I want it to look like the audience for Hamilton the Musical.

I might even have a destination funeral.

-I don't know. -[crowd laughing]

You might want to know me, bitch.

[crowd laughing]

It's been a very interesting year for me because...

a lot of my guy friends have come out...

as predators.

[crowd continuously laughing]

I always knew, but it was their journey to figure it ouuuuut.

[crowd applauding and laughing]

[crowd continuously laughing]

Good guy friends, comedian guys, call me up,

talking about: ''I don't know if I assaulted or offended somebody.''

I'm like: "How do you not mother-fucking know, aw?

Read the goddamn room, man."

If it looks like she's breathing bad air and she's said no three or four times,

it's a no, aw!

Also, guys, don't take your dick out.

[crowd laughing]

Who's taking their dick out?

Nobody wants to see your dick.

Nobody wants to see your dick.

You know somebody wants to see it if they say, let me see your dick.

[crowd laughing]

-I want to see that dick. -[crowd applauding]

That's how you know somebody want to see your dick, guys.

Come on.

Matt Lauer, nobody wants to see your crusty, bitter dick.

-Yuck. -[crowd laughing]

Louis C.K. nobody wants to see that ginger dick.

-No, thank you. -[crowd laughing]

Harvey Weinstein?

-[sounds of vomiting] -[crowd laughing]

Nobody wants to see that pastrami mess. Yuck.

-[crowd laughing] -Charlie Rose?

How did he get his adult diaper off to show his dick?

I don't know!

[crowd applauding and laughing]

What? James Franco?

Put a pin in that shit. I want to see his dick.

[crowd laughing]

James Franco, I want to see your dick.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

-Ooh! I want to see James Franco's dick. -[crowd applauding]

James Franco, I want to see your dick.

[crowd continuously laughing]

If you come to a party at my house, please do not bring your dick.

[crowd laughing]

Bring ros� and hummus, okay?

[crowd laughing]

And some pita chips. Ooh, so salty and crunchy. Yes.

[crowd laughing]

Nobody wants to see that dick.

[crowd laughing]

Nobody wants to see your dick.

[crowd laughing]

[Michelle coughing] He-he.

[crowd laughing]

Oh, my God.

[crowd continuously laughing]

Now, he talks to his friend.

''No one wants to see my dick? No one told me.''

[Michelle shouting] Yeah, man, I'm telling you now.

I got a special, a microphone, lashes. Nobody wants to see your dick.

-[crowd laughing] -[Michelle laughing]

[Michelle takes deep breath] Oh, my God.

I go out on a lot of big, Hollywood auditions ya'll.

Ooh! Real big stuff.

Real big Hollywood stuff.

Most of the characters I go in for are described as tired, mom...

[crowd laughing]

...real looking body...

[crowd laughing]

...just lost a bunch of weight.

-That's my look. -[crowd laughing]

The favorite thing... My most favorite thing I go in for...

Oh, my God this is so juicy.

It's called open ethnicity.

[crowd laughing]

-The fuck is that? -[crowd laughing]

Open ethnicity? Think about that.

How open are we talking right now with this ethnicity?

Also, isn't open ethnicity just human?

[crowd laughing]

I go to these auditions. Open ethnicity auditions.

It's Indian girls, Chinese girls. Spanish girls, black girls.

I'm like, ooh,

this is a politically correct way of saying, everybody white.

And you get to be the ethnic neighbor.

Let's find out what neighborhood we're gonna be in.

[crowd laughing]

And they'll never say:

''We're looking for a black girl, African American.''

They'll just say shit like: "Looking for someone who's sassy,

real confident,

can tell it like it is.

Doesn't want to get her hair wet in a hot tub." What?

[crowd laughing]

-How the fuck they know? -[crowd laughing]

How the fuck they know brown titties?

[crowd laughing]

Look at these cute little black people,

looking like Oprah's book club right in the corner.

-[crowd laughing] -Yes!

Waiting for your free present.

[crowd laughing]

How old are you?

You're 20? Oh, my God, my abortion is older than you.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

There's a reason why I want to take care of him is what I'm saying.

[crowd laughing]

Calm down.

[crowd laughing]

Also, a very exciting time for me because I just got married. What?

[crowd cheering and applauding]

I got married seven years ago,

but we're still paying for it, so it feels new.

My husband's so cute. He's white, but I like him anyway.

Hum!

He's European. He's the real deal. What?

He's from Holland which is also called the Netherlands.

I was like ''Too many names. Pick one.''

[crowd laughing]

I was so surprised when he proposed.

I had no idea he was gonna do it, cause he met me.

Haw!

And we went on our first vacation together.

We went to the South of Spain, cause that's the Jersey Shore in Europe.

I said, I'll take it.

[crowd laughing]

We went for three days, and I'll never forget those three days,

cause I didn't fart for those three days...

[crowd continuously laughing]

...just held it in.

[crowd laughing]

Nobody wanna see that.

[crowd laughing]

He was being so extra. I couldn't figure out why.

The first night we were there�he was like:

"How about we take a motorcycle ride together,

up a really big mountain at night to see fireworks?"

And I was like: "For fuck what?''

[crowd laughing]

''Is somebody chasing us? Are we running from the law?

I don't wanna do that shit. That sounds dangerous, boo boo."

[crowd laughing]

Then the next day he says:

"Hey babe, how about we take a sailboat on the Mediterranean Sea?

I'll sail it myself."

I was like: "Look here, Christopher Columbus,''

[crowd laughing]

''do you know how to sail?"

He was like: "I'll figure it out." And I was like: "The fuck you will.''

[crowd laughing]

''You ain't gonna have me on the Mediterranean Sea,

like Elian Gonzalez, holding on for my fucking life."

[crowd laughing]

This is the shit about European people. They are so confident,

because they've had healthcare their whole lives.

[crowd applauding]

No. You should see this mother fucker crossing the street.

-[continuously applauding] -So confident.

[continuously applauding and laughing]

The last night he was there he was like:

"Hey babe, how about we take a bottle of champagne

to the beach and drink it?" I was like: "Yes, bitch that is my speed."

[crowd laughing]

The minute he said that, I was like: "I want to see your dick."

-[Michelle huffs] -[crowd laughing]

-[Michelle laughs ironically] -[crowd laughing and applauding]

So, we get to the beach and he's not opening the champagne.

I'm eye-fucking that bottle. When's he gonna open that champagne?

Then he goes, there's a little mountain over there. Let's climb it.

I was like, for fuck's sake Bear Grylls. Whyyyyy?

[crowd laughing]

I wanted to be a team player. I didn't want to be an angry Raven-Symone.

-So, I was like, okay! -[crowd laughing]

''Okay, let's climb this mountain.''

[crowd laughing]

We're climbing this mountain. He goes: "This looks like a good spot."

I was like: "For what? Okay.''

Then he's sweatier than usual.

I was like: "Did you do drugs without me?''

[crowd laughing]

''Cause that's rude."

[crowd laughing]

Then he started having rom-com tourette's.

He's like: "I love you. You complete me. You had me at hello.

Let's save the bookstore."

[Michelle shouting] I'm like: "What the fuck is wrong with you?

Are you having an aneurysm? Do you smell toast?

Look at me in the eye. What's going on?

I don't watch enough Grey's Anatomy to know what the fuck to do.

How do I climb down a mountain?''

[crowd laughing]

Then he busted out the ring. He's like: "I'm trying to marry you."

I was like:� "Oh, I thought you were trying to kill meeeee, ah."

[crowd laughing]

And I've been looking at his dick ever since.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

-Ooh! Clap for my husband's dick. -[crowd applauding]

Clap for my husband's dick.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

The day before the election,

November 7th, 2016. I had a big to-do list.

I didn't know who was going to win.

I didn't know what would happen with my healthcare.

I was like, let me get all the holes checked

cause I'm too cute for bacteria.

[crowd laughing]

So, I made an appointment for a pap schmear.

[crowd laughing]

Yes, a pap schmear. I go with bagels and lox,

and thinly sliced red onions, capers.

-[crowd laughing] -[Michelle huffs]

I'm not into fashion advice,

but, ladies, do not wear a onesie or romper to your pap smear

because you will be the creepy, naked girl at the office.

[crowd laughing]

I'm a good person. I'm a good host.

I know it's an awkward situation. I like to have a good rapport with my doctor.

He's so old I don't know if he can hear me half the time.

He's not like Idris Elba or George Clooney.

He sort of look like Bernie Sanders with scoliosis.

[crowd laughing]

I don't know what kind of day he's had, but, when he's with me,

I put scented lotion on my feet,

so, he gets notes of vanilla from Victoria's Secret.

-[crowd laughing] -He-he!

Half the time he can't even find the hole.

I'm like, get in there, doctor. Get in.

I call it the Holland Tunnel because my husband is Dutch.

-Whaaaaaat? -[crowd laughing]

-Yes, honey. We have jokes. -[crowd applauding]

Yes, it's cheaper on the other side. Helloooooo?

That's a joke about Jersey and my asshole. Keep up.

[crowd laughing]

My doctor goes, are you and your husband voting for the same person?

I was like, of course, Doctor.

He pops his little E.T. head up. He's like, ''Well,

I'm a doctor. I'm Republican. I have to go Trump.''

Then goes back down inside me with the instrument. I was like, the fuck?

[crowd laughing]

I felt so violated. I was like, damn.

If my momma told me once, she told me twice.

You don't tell somebody who you're voting for inside them.

[crowd laughing]

I'm a real kind of see something, say something kind of bitch.

I felt like I had to take back the night.

[crowd laughing]

So, I just... farted a little bit.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

Don't give me that shit.

[crowd laughing]

Even my fart sounded like a question.

-It was like, whyyyyyy? -[crowd laughing]

I saw the look of stank come over his face

and he was like... ugh!

I was like, sorry Doctor, but this is what democracy smells liiiiiiiike.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

You guys have been wonderful. Thank you so much...

-[crowd cheering and applauding] -...for listening to me...

...for listening to meeeee, ahhhhh.

-[rhythmic music] -[crowd cheering and applauding]

-[rhythmic music] -[crowd applauding and cheering]

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