Original subtitles

Granddad: Oh, no!

[ Crackling ]

Riley: Without admitting any

guilt, we wanna say we real sorry.

Huey: We know you're upset, and you should be.

Granddad: Who did this?!

Which one of you killed the tv?!

Who did it?!

Riley: Granddad, this isn't

the time for pointing fingers, right?

President Obama says we can't

move forward looking backward.

Granddad: I can't believe this!

This isn't happening!

It's not happening!

I'm too old for this!

I'm sick of having to beat y'all all the damn time!

Here... this time, you're gonna beat each other.

Riley: What?!

Granddad: I said, "beat each other"!

Take turns!

[ Coughing ]

What? Something's wrong!

Huey: Granddad, I think you should calm down.

Granddad: How am I supposed to calm down?!

I'm dying, and my tv's broke!

Oh! My chest hurts!

It's a heart attack!

No, my stomach hurts!

My liver's exploded!

No, it's my bad knee!

The room is spinning!

Oh, no!

Riley: Is he dead?

Huey: I don't know.

Granddad: Hurry!

We have to call 911!

Where's the phone?!

Oh, n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

[ Moans ]

Riley: Do we still have to beat each other?

♪ I am the stone that the builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual, the inspiration that made lady sing

the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark that makes your idea bright ♪

♪ the same spark that lights the dark ♪

♪ so that you can know your left from your right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun ♪

♪ the inner glow that lets you

know to call your brother son ♪

♪ the story that just begun ♪

♪ the promise of what's to come ♪

♪ and I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won ♪

♪ chop chop chop ♪

♪ judo flip ♪

♪ chop chop chop ♪

♪ judo flip ♪

♪ chop chop chop ♪

♪ judo flip ♪

♪ chop chop chop ♪

granddad: No, I ain't gonna do it!

I can't do it!

Huey: Come on!

You need a physical!

Come on!

[ Grunts ]

Granddad: No, please!

I can't handle doctors!

I'm not ready to face my own mortality!

Huey: Granddad, it's for your own good!

Riley: We need you around as

long as possible to cook and pay the mortgage.

Granddad: What if they find something terrible?

What if they tell me I only have a month to live?

That would totally ruin the rest of this month for me!

Look! Mumia... he's free!

[ Grunts ] I'm going home!

Riley: Man, granddad kind of fast!

[ Grunts ]

Come on!

Granddad: Aaaaaaah!

It's been a while since your last checkup, huh?

Says here you haven't seen a doctor in... oh, 57 years.

Granddad: Look, can't you just hurry up and get to the

point where you tell me I'm gonna die?

Now, you say here you've had

some irritable bowels recently?

Granddad: Yeah.

And it also says here that you... oh, um, pardon me.

Robert, this is Jessica.

Jessica, Robert.

She's a medical student who will

be observing today, if that's okay with you.

Granddad: Actually, I prefer if, uh [Clears throat]

Patient has complained of

irritable bowels, also diarrhea,

accompanied by a burning sensation in the anus.

Granddad: Well, it's not really a burning.

It's more of a tingle.

And also experiencing a lot of gas pains.

Mm-hmm.

Extreme flatulence.

Granddad: Well, that was, uh, kind of a joke, really.

Ah.

Granddad: Aaaah!

Aaaah!

[ Sighs ]

[ Moans ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Monitor beeping ]

Aah!

[ Steady tone beeps ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

Give it to me straight, doc.

Robert... granddad: No!

[ Crying ] I'm too young to die!

There are so many things I haven't done!

I want my novel to be on Oprah's book of the month!

Robert, from what I can see,

there's a bunch of stuff wrong

with you, but none that is

immediately life-threatening.

But what I'm most worried about is your stress level.

Is this how you normally react

to stressful situations, Robert?

Granddad: More or less.

But you have to understand, my

life is more stressful than most people.

My one grandson is a domestic

terrorist, and the other one is a public menace.

Robert, Robert, Robert, a lot

of people have stressful lives.

Now, your problem is how you handle the stress.

Now, I'm gonna give you a bunch

of pills to take, but I believe

if you don't get your stress

under control, you're gonna kill yourself.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Granddad: Hey! Hold on now!

I'm a sick old man!

I can't move as fast as I used to!

What's up, old nigga?

Got your lifetime supply of

Viagra right here. [ laughs ]

I'm just kidding, man.

I know it ain't Viagra 'cause I already looked.

Granddad: Give me that!

How dare you open my package!

Man, I'm just [Bleep] With you, old nigga.

Whatcha you got to eat in this [Bleep]

Hey, whatcha doing with all them

pills for, anyway, old nigga?

You starting a pharmacy or some [Bleep]

Granddad: My doctor gave me these pills.

Oh, man, I ain't never took

you as a sucker for the [Bleep]

Pharmaceutical companies.

Always trying to sell you some

synthetic chemical [Bleep] That

don't do nothin' but make you sicker.

Granddad: Well, he's a doctor and you're a dumbass, so

i'm listening to him.

[ Belches ]

Man, I don't never take no

pills.

Not that I can afford 'em,

'cause, uh, a nigga don't got

health insurance and [Bleep]

But, still, I don't take no

aspirin, no [Bleep] Ibuprofen...

None of that [Bleep]

Now, this [Bleep] Right here,

nigga [Chuckles] This all the

medicine I need!

Granddad: What is that?

Is that reefer?

No, nigga, it's weed!

Granddad: Reefer the same

thing as weed.

What?!

Granddad: Keep it down.

I have kids in the house.

What, I can't say "weed"?

Granddad: Shh!

How dare you bring drugs into my

house.

You could get us all arrested.

[ Laughs ]

Man, don't you keep up with

current events?

Weed ain't illegal no more,

nigga.

Granddad: Really?

Hell yeah.

Man, Obama came through and

changed all that [Bleep]

Granddad: I didn't know he

did that.

Yeah, man, so stop being so

damn scared.

Granddad: I don't know.

I knew a guy once who smoked

some weed that was laced with

angel dust, and he ended up

running down the street in his

underwear and woke up in a

chicken coop.

Nigga, that was "friday."

Granddad: Was it?

Besides, man, ain't nobody

[bleep] With this.

I know the nigga that grew it.

[Bleep] I watched him take the

bud off.

You need to grow up and get

high, my nigga.

As a matter of fact, since I'm

the type of nigga that cares

about your health and

well-being, I'm gonna give you

this joint, nigga.

Granddad: I don't want your joint.

Nigga, this just ain't no joint.

No, it's a... well, well, it is

a joint, but it's a damn good

one.

Nigga, this [Bleep] Will change

your life!

Riley: Hey, what y'all

talking about?

Granddad: Uh, nothing.

Nothing at all.

He was just talking about going

on tour with the fat boys or

something.

Congrats.

Tell prince Markie Dee I said

"hi."

[ Laughs ]

Okay, old nigga.

Later, Riley.

Riley: Who are the fat boys?

High blood pressure got you

down?

Ask your doctor if zortafrinex

is right for you.

In clinical trials, zortafrinex

was proven to lower blood

pressure.

Ask your doctor before taking

zortafrinex.

Women, pregnant women, and most

men should not take zortafrinex.

Known side effects include dry

mouth, upset stomach, mild

death, blindness, massive heart

attack, difficulty breathing,

and rectal fungus.

Almost all men who took

zortafrinex experienced a severe

loss in sexual performance.

This is normal.

Please stop taking zortafrinex

immediately if you feel mild

discomfort on or in testicles,

as this can be a sign of a rare

and extremely unpleasant side

effect known as total scrotal

implosion.

If total scrotal implosion

should occur, call your doctor

right away.

If you cannot move or talk due

to the debilitating pain of

total scrotal implosion, please

have a loved one call your

doctor.

There is no cure for total

scrotal implosion.

Zortafrinex... always the right

choice.

Granddad: Mm!

Aaaah!

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

[ Sighs ]

Riley: [ snoring ]

[ Sniffs ]

Yo, you smell that?

Huey: Yeah, but...

It can't be what I think it is.

Both: Breakfast!

Granddad: We got pancakes,

waffles, pork, sausage, Turkey

sausage, veggie sausage, eggs Benedict, smoked-salmon

omelets, hashbrowns, and, of course, huevos rancheros.

Or I could make you something else, if you like.

Huey: Granddad, why'd you make all this food?

Granddad: Because my boys have to grow up to be big and

strong.

I'm eating this bowl of cheerios

because, you know what?

The cholesterol's not gonna lower itself.

Mmm!

[ Crunching ]

[Bleep] Damn, they were the best

cheerios I ever had in my life!

They weren't no regular cheerios, was it?

No, no, no, t-that had to be honey nut!

Mmm. [ crunching ]

It had to be honey nut.

It tastes like honey nut, tastes like cheerios, but...

Nuts dipped in honey.

Mmm! Mm-hmm!

[ Crunching ]

Oh, you boys broke the tv again!

[ Laughing ]

You know what's funny?

[ Laughs ]

When you think about it, all

this stuff is really yours.

I mean, how much longer am I

gonna be around?

'Cause I'm really, really,

really, really old.

This is your house, this is your

stuff, this is your tv.

You can break it if you want to.

I don't care.

[ Laughs ]

Riley: Damn!

I liked my tv!

[ Doorbell ringing ]

What's up, old nigga?

You got a pickup?

Granddad: No.

I wanted to tell you, I smoked that, you know...

That joint?

Granddad: Shh!

You liked it, right?

That [Bleep] Was off the chain, wasn't it, nigga?

Granddad: Couldn't believe it.

I never felt anything like this in my life before.

Can you get me some more... Maybe two, six, or seven?

Man, you called my job and

scheduled a pickup just so you

could hit me up for some more trees?!

That's rude, man!

First rule of being a smoker is

it's bad manners to keep bumming all the damn time!

Granddad: Well, why did you

want me to smoke it if I wasn't

supposed to ask for more?

Let me just buy some off of you

or maybe put me in touch with

your supplier or whatever.

I don't know, man.

He's kind of picky with this clientele.

I mean, in the streets, they call him the weed kingpin.

You know what I'm saying?

But he might [Bleep] With you,

you know, 'cause you [Bleep]

With me and [Bleep]

Now, just stick with me and don't say no dumb [Bleep]

[ Laughing ] Hey, otis!

Good to see you.

Who's this... your friend Robert?

Granddad: I'm not a narc!

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Uh, you want to check me for a wire?

Because I'm not wearing one.

So it's okay if you do.

In fact, uh, this may be a bad idea.

Now, are you looking for anything in particular... I

mean, uh, a certain kind of high?

Granddad: I just need something to lower my stress.

Let's see... we got bubba kush, lavender

kush, telly savalas kush, uh, O. G. Scarlett Johansson.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, I even got one named after me, nigga!

It's good for sitting on the

couch all day and not doing [Bleep]

You know what? Try this.

It's called black pearl.

Granddad: What's it gonna do?

[ Chuckles ] You'll see.

Huey: Man, we looked up the side effects to all of

granddad's pills, and none of

them make you a happier, calmer,

more well-adjusted person.

Riley: Well, somethin' goin'

on.

I don't know who that nigga is downstairs, but he ain't

granddad.

[ Vacuum cleaner whirring ]

Huey: Granddad, we need to talk.

[ Whirring stops ]

Granddad: Of course.

What is it, grandson?

Riley: Man, where the real granddad?

What'd you do with him?

Granddad: [ laughs ]

Riley, you so crazy!

[ Laughs ]

Look, boys, I went to the doctor

and had a wake-up call, and I

decided I'm not gonna sweat the small stuff anymore.

I'm the same granddaddy that you know and love.

I'm happy. I feel good.

And from now on, I'm going to appreciate life.

Huey: Yeah, but that person

is nothin' like the granddad we

know and love.

Riley: Yeah, our granddad

don't appreciate nothin'!

You an impostor!

Granddad: [ laughing ]

You boys are hilarious!

Don't forget tonight's my bongo

night.

You guys can stay over Tom's.

Now give your granddaddy a hug.

I'm so glad we had this talk.

[ Vacuum cleaner whirring ]

Riley: Man, I just feel bad

for the real granddad.

He probably tied up in some

basement somewhere, scared.

We gotta find him, huey, before

it's too late.

[ Bongos banging ]

Granddad: Rada, dadada, dada!

I love me! Yes, I do!

[ Vocalizing ]

Riley: What is he doing over

there?!

Huey: Sounds like he's dying.

Jazmine: You know, he's

always been a little strange.

Riley: Man, I'm 'bout to go

look.

Tom: Come on, guys.

You know the rules.

Robert said no going back home

during bongo time.

I'm sorry.

Riley: Look, I don't know who

that fake-ass granddad is over

there, but we gotta find out

what's going on.

Jazmine: Maybe he's on drugs.

Tom: [ chuckles ]

You guys are overreacting.

Your granddad just wants a

little privacy to release his

creative juices, and there's

nothing wrong with that.

Granddad: [ scatting loudly ]

Jazmine: What's going on?

[ Siren wailing ]

Riley: Ah [Bleep]

It's the cops!

Tom: Wait, Riley! Wait!

Granddad: Revolution is all

over the world!

Yes, it is!

Boom, bam, boom, bam...

Revolution!

[ Scatting ]

Tom: Oh, my God!

Ew!

Riley: I'm gonna be sick!

Jazmine: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ah, somebody get him a...

Riley: Granddad, cover up

your old, wrinkly balls!

Tom: You scarred my baby for

life, Robert!

Jazmine: [ crying loudly ]

Riley: [ laughing ]

Granddad: I'm so ashamed.

Tom: Riley, this isn't funny.

Riley: Yes, it is!

Granddad was smoking weed!

[ Laughs ]

Smokey! Smokey!

[ Laughs ]

Granddad: Boys, can you ever forgive me?

Huey: I don't think it's a big deal, really.

Tom: No, huey, it's a very

big deal.

That's why drugs are so

dangerous.

Then you get addicted, and it

destroys your life and the lives

of those around you.

You start playing the bongos

really loud, and then you turn

all Bobby and Whitney on us.

Granddad: I've learned my lesson.

I'm never, ever, ever gonna smoke weed again.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Door opens ]

Hey! There's big Bobby.

[ Singsong voice ] I got

something special for you today.

Granddad: Ooh!

Lay it on me, man.

They call it...Skywalker.

Granddad: Ahhhh.

Huey: Granddad, I know you're still smoking.

Granddad: What are you talking about?

Huey, I-I told you that was a

terrible mistake I made, and I'm

never, ever gonna do it again.

Huey: I know when you find

something you like, you tend to

go overboard, so just be very careful.

Granddad: Like I said, I have

no idea what you're talking about.

Toodles!

[ Horns blaring ]

You're a dick, dickwad!

[ Siren wailing ]

Granddad: Uh-oh.

Sir, can you tell me why you're driving so slow in the

fast Lane?

Granddad: Oh, no reason.

I guess I just wasn't in that much of a rush.

I didn't know you could get a

speeding ticket for going too

slow, uh, officer dou-shay.

That's "officer douche."

Granddad: [ snickering ]

Something funny?

Granddad: No, sir, officer [Snickering] Douche.

[ Snickering ]

Why were you driving so slow in the fast Lane?

Granddad: Oh, just having a pleasant drive on a nice

[chuckles] Summer's Eve... douche.

[ Snickering ]

Please step out of the car, sir.

Okay, the defendant is charged with suspicion of

driving under the influence of

marijuana, as well as possession

of a mostly smoked marijuana cigarette.

So, how does the defendant plead?

Tom: Robert, I want you to plead "guilty."

Granddad: No way. Mnh-mnh.

Ain't gonna happen.

Tom: It's just a first offense.

Granddad: Obama fixed it up for everybody.

Tom: What are you talking about?

Granddad: Well, that's why I voted for Obama.

We can legalize weed.

That's what we need.

Huey: But, Tom, what happens if he goes to jail?

Tom: It's just a first offense.

Huey: You're not sure about that.

Riley: I ain't going in no foster care.

I'll tell you that right now.

Tom: No one's going to f...

Everybody, can you please just shut up?!

Settle down, please!

Granddad: Your honor, I would

like to plead "not guilty," on

the grounds that Obama legalized weed!

Did he?

'Cause I-I think I would have heard about that.

Granddad: I'm pretty sure he did, your honor.

Who told you that?

Granddad: Thugnificent.

The rapper?

Granddad: Yes, your honor.

Are you sure he's the guy to

listen to about legal matters?

What does your lawyer say?

He looks pretty smart.

Tom: I said, uh, no, your honor.

Granddad: But thugnificent sounded pretty sure.

Huh. Well, he's pretty sure.

You know, I'm... I'm also pretty sure.

But, hey, we can look it up, if you want.

No big deal.

Granddad: Yes, please.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

No, no.

Sorry about that, man.

Look at this... Wikipedia says weed is still illegal.

Granddad: Really?

Yeah.

Wait... oh, look at that.

That's interesting.

It says here that several States

have legalized medicinal cannabis.

Granddad: See?

Sunfortunately, this state

ain't one of them, so, you know.

Granddad: Oh.

So, I guess your choices are

to move to California, smoke all

you want, or, you know, just

stay here and stop smoking.

Or you can keep smoking and go

to jail, but [Chuckles] That'd

be kind of silly, don't you think?

Granddad: [ sighs ]

Tom: Oh, man, Robert, I can't

believe how lucky you are.

Granddad: Lucky?

How is this lucky?

I finally found the thing in

life that makes me happy, and

now they're gonna take it away from me!

Tom: Now, Robert, studies show marijuana can be very

psychologically addictive.

Granddad: Man [Bleep] Them studies!

I want my weed!

I believed all the terrible

things they told me about weed, and it was all a lie!

And now you mean to tell me I

could have had this the whole time?!

Who knows how different my life would be?

I might be a nobel peace prize

winner or eight-time gold medal

swimmer or even president of the United States!

It's not fair!

Now I have to go back to being the regular me.

Tom: There's nothing wrong with the regular you!

Granddad: I'm telling you, the regular me is completely

unacceptable.

I don't even like the regular me!

No one does!

Huey: Yeah, he's got a point there.

Riley: I don't even like him either.

Tom: Look, Robert, I get it.

Everybody wants to escape from their problems.

But there's a legal way to do it.

Granddad: [ slurps ]

I never really liked you when I first met you.

Tom: Oh, you didn't like me?

I didn't like you!

Granddad: Well, that's okay.

I don't care who likes me.

And I hate ruckus, that son of a

bitch!

Tom: Well, we can agree on

that.

Granddad: Let's find ruckus

and whup his ass.

Tom: I'm gonna whup your ass!

Granddad: Oh, no, I don't think so!

Tom: I will whup your ass with ruckus' ass!

Granddad: I miss my Mary Jane now!

[ Both crying ]

Oh!

I think I'm gonna throw up!

[ Gags ]

[ Vomits violently ]

Tom: Oh, if I see or smell throw-up, I'm gonna thr...

[ Gags ]

[ Vomits ]

Oh, God.

Oh, hell no!

Granddad: What the... [ indistinct talking ]

Ohhhh.

Oh, man!

Can you believe it, old nigga?!

Grant got raided!

Look, look, look, look!

They're taking the champagne!

And the citrus buds!

And the first mature!

And the early misty!

And the God bud!

And the ice marijuana!

And the island lady!

And the kush!

Granddad: Well, I'm not gonna

let them get away with this!

I say we fight back!

It's time for civil disobedience!

It's time for action!

Man, you do what you want!

I'm gonna go back to work and cry!

Huey: What is this really gonna accomplish?

Granddad: What happened to you, huey?

I thought you believed in the revolution.

I thought you were a freedom fighter.

Huey: Granddad, you're not

gonna end prohibition by getting arrested.

Granddad: Well, what if me

and rosa parks had said that on that bus in Montgomery?

What if me and Martin Luther king said that in selma?

What if me and Nelson mandela

said that during apartheid?

Huey: When were you arrested in South Africa?

Granddad: Never mind that.

Point is, you sold out.

Riley: I think we should just move to L.A.

I'm gonna be the first nigga to

be a blood and a crip!

Huey: Granddad, nobody solves problems by going to jail

anymore.

Granddad: Fine!

What do you suggest?

Huey: Look, if it's really

that important to you, maybe we

should just move to California.

Riley: Then I'm gonna star in

my own movie about the first

nigga to be both a blood and a crip.

I'm gonna play me.

Granddad: Well, I'm not leaving my home.

I paid good money for this

house, and now it ain't worth

[bleep] So we're staying put.

Riley: Then I'm gonna run up

on the fresh prince kid and show

him who the real karate kid is.

They ain't even paying the nigga.

Huey: So, what's more important... weed or us?

Granddad: Weed!

[ Door opens ]

Riley: Man, he didn't even think about it.

Granddad: We're here to demand the liberation of our

brother grant from the deep, dark dungeons of tyranny.

This man was a peaceful man.

He was a grower, he was a healer, and he gave me really

good weed at very reasonable prices.

Riley: Granddad, stop snitchin'!

[ Laughs ]

Granddad: We won't let you push us around!

We have the right to pursue happiness, and this is

happiness, and I shall pursue it happily!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Wait... does anyone have a light?

Riley: [ snickers ]

Robert!

Robert?

Granddad: Grant?

But I thought you were in jail.

Yeah, I posted bail.

What are you doing here?

Granddad: So you're free?

Yeah.

Well, I got six months'

probation, can't smoke, but

weed's not worth my freedom.

What are you doing out here?!

Granddad: Wait, wait!

I changed my mind! No, wait!

Sir, I'm placing you under

arrest for disturbing the peace and for possession of a

controlled substance.

Officer!

Granddad: You don't understand!

I changed my mind!

Forget all that stuff I said!

I take it back! Do-over!

I'm a republican, democrat, conservative, tea party!

Aw, dude, I am so bummed to see you here again.

Granddad: Your honor, I plead

"not guilty," on the grounds

that I wouldn't have had to do a

smoking protest if y'all had

just let me have my weed in the first place.

This is silly. I'm an old man.

I fought for my country.

I've earned the right to smoke weed.

Tom: No, no.

Granddad: Well, I admit that I probably went too far.

So I guess maybe I am guilty.

Riley: Granddad, stop snitchin'!

[ Gavel bangs ]

Granddad: Anyway, I learned

my lesson, and I decided if you

let me go, I'm gonna move to California so as to be in

compliance with the law.

Riley: What?!

All right!

Huey: Really, granddad?

Riley: Yeah, yeah!

Granddad: I wanted it to be a surprise.

Okay, Mr. Freeman, you got yourself a deal.

I'll agree to no jail time, and you are free to go to

California.

Riley: Yeah!

That's what's up!

Immediately after serving three weeks of house arrest,

followed by two years' probation

with mandatory drug testing, and

then we'll throw in some

community service just for fun.

Granddad: Hi.

Recently, I started smoking pot.

Marijuana didn't make me happier.

It didn't make me cool.

It didn't do anything except

almost cost me my family and my freedom.

So if you want to be like me, a

loser, go ahead and smoke.

Riley: [ laughs ]

That was crazy!

Granddad, you make weed look so uncool.

I don't think I'm ever gonna smoke.

[ Bracelet beeping ]

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go take

a stroll around the block... 'Cause I can.

Want me to get you anything

while I'm out, granddad?

[ Laughs ]

Granddad: Yeah, bring me a

brand-new belt with a big spiked

buckle so I can whup your

little, smart behind.

Huey: Well, for what it's

worth, it's not too terrible

having the old granddad back.

Granddad: Yeah, well, it's

worth nothing, but thank you.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0