All language subtitles for Shit My Dad Says s01e16 Well Suitored.eng

Previously on
bleep my dad says....

I need to be courted.

- Hey, listen,
I've married three times,

and each one of them took me
to court.

I'm done courting.

- Sign this paper so we can get
our speed bump.

- The speed bump
is not gonna happen.

- We voted on it.
- I vetoed.

- Why, because I wouldn't sleep
with you?

My neighbor is a complete
ass...

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- Why are you dialing
so many numbers?

Are you calling China?

- I'm texting Vince.

- He's down the block
with the dog.

If you wanna get him in here,

just crinkle a bag
of potato chips.

He'll burst through that door
like the kool-aid man.

- We like texting.
We do it all the time.

Well, not anymore
in the bathroom.

Camera phones put an end
to that.

- I don't know why people wanna
communicate all the time.

My mother and father were
married for 45 years,

and the only time I saw them
communicate was when

she left a note on his oxygen
tank saying, "I'm leaving you."

- Aw.

We like texting.

We feel like it's another way
to connect.

Hey, honey.
- Hey.

- How's my number one boy?

- Well, root beer is now banned
from the dog park.

- What? What happened?

I guess it's okay to bark
and it's okay to hump.

But doing both at the same time
really freaks people out.

- Dogs have it right.
They don't need words.

They connect just fine.
They don't text.

They don't tell you what
a boring day they had at work.

They just sniff each other's
asses.

And decide whether
they're gonna hump, fight,

or go their separate ways.

- Well, ed, maybe you should
date a dog.

- Oh, I have.

Lived in Maine for a year.

- Have you shared your dog
philosophy

with your girlfriend Rosemary?

- She's not my girlfriend.
She's my neighbor with benefits.

You know what that means?

- Yes. Yes,
unfortunately, I do.

- Well, it's not what you think.

We haven't fornicated.

- Yech! Bleh!
Gross.

- What?
Not that we don't have fun.

She let's me...

- Uh, please, no sex talk
with your daughter-in-law.

- I'm just saying that when
she's in a good mood...

- No. Seriously.

Every time you talk about
your sex life,

I die a little.

- Fine.
I won't say anything.

Except...
- No! Ed...

Don't say it.
Don't even hint at it.

- Fine. I won't hint at it.

Second base.

- My kidneys just shut down.

I just... I don't even know why

someone would want to be
your girlfriend.

- I told you she's not
my girlfriend.

- All right, well then how would
you describe your relationship?

- Well...Perky, natural blonde

with an ass you can bounce
a quarter off of.

And his neighbor Rosemary.

- You guys have been going out
for a month.

Isn't it time you decide
what to call it?

- The moment you give something
a name, it's all downhill.

That's what happened to Vince
and Henry.

The first four days of their
lives, the unnamed goodson boys

were geniuses.

- Ah, shoot.

I dropped my cell phone
in the garbage disposal.

- Hold on. Let me turn
on the light so we can see.

[Grinding]

- Doesn't Rosemary wanna know
where she stands?

- Yeah, she brought that up
last night.

Wanted to know if we were
dating exclusively.

I said "nope."

- Well, that must've
bummed her out.

- Not really.

'Cause she let me...
- Dup! Stop, please.

- What?

Buy her dinner.
- Oh.

- Before I felt her up.

Don't you think you wanna be

just a little more like me

oh oh oh

adriano_csi you rocks!!!!

- Bonnie, come down here.

You gotta see this.

- All right, show me.
- Okay.

There's kibble
in the tupperware

on the coffee table.

I taught root beer
how to open it himself

and eat it.

Watch this.
Okay.

Root beer.

Get the kibble.

Get the kibble.

Come on, root beer.
Get the kibble.

He was doing it earlier.

Come on, root beer.
Get the kibble.

Get the kibble.
Get the kibble.

Fine.

[Doorbell rings]

- Oh, the doorbell.
Vince.

Get the door.
Get the door.

Vince.

Get the door.

- Katie.
What are you doing here?

- Can't an ex-boss
come visit

her former employees?

- We'd rather she didn't.

- May I come in?

- We'd rather she didn't.

- I think you're going
to want to hear

what I have to say.

I realize
that I might have been

kind of a harsh boss.

- Kind of a harsh b...

You put gum in my hair.

And... and you hit Vince
with a fly swatter

when he lost a sale.

- Well, I couldn't put gum
in his hair.

And you don't flinch.

See?

- And also, also!

You'd always pit me and Vince
against each other

every chance you got.

- Oh, I didn't do that.

Vince,
you're the reasonable one.

Tell her.

- And then there was
that one time

that we had
a real conversation,

and I-I told you
I was having trouble conceiving,

and... and you called me
"baron Von Gina."

- All right.

Okay.

Well, those days are behind me.

And I've really changed
since the last time

we've seen each other.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's because
I'm a pisces now.

But I am a much nicer person.

Ew, gross.

A dog.

- Katie, how did you find us,

and why are you here?

- Well, this is why I'm here.

When I was 30 and single,

I decided to have
my eggs harvested.

I figured maybe one day

I'd want to have kids.

But the other day,
a little voice told me,

"Katie, what are you doing?
You hate kids."

And that little voice belonged
to my housekeeper.

The nosey bitch.

I'm having her deported.

- Where are we going
with all this?

- Well, I was paying
a fortune to store them,

so I thought to myself,

I could either
throw the eggs away,

or I could give them
to baron Von Gina

and her husband, despicable me.

You're welcome.

- Okay, wait.

Those are your eggs?

- We're not taking a cooler
full of your eggs.

- I'm not giving you
the cooler, Bonnie.

I want it back
before barbecue season.

- This is insane.

Why would you possibly think

we would want your eggs?

- Are you kidding me?

I'm a six-foot,
double-jointed viking

who got a perfect score
on her sats.

Just think of it as an upgrade

from coach to first.

Again, you're welcome.

- Oh, hi, ed.
- Hi.

Wanna come over and watch
the biggest loser?

- Oh, I-I don't watch
that show.

- What show?

My kids are trying
to fish this cell phone

out of the garbage disposal.

- Again?

- Never gets old.

- I-I can't come over.
I have company.

- You have company?

- Well, don't sound
so surprised.

It's not like
I sit home all day

scrapbooking and making pies.

- What smells so good?

- Pie.

- Is it for me?

- No, actually,
it's for my scrapbooking group.

- Rosie, uh,
is everything okay?

- Who the hell are you?

- Oh, um, ed, this...
- Don reger.

- How do you know each other?

- I'm a millionaire.
What was the question?

- Ed, you know I volunteer
at the zoo.

And, uh,
don just helped the zoo get

their new panda from China.

- Oh, it was no big deal.

I have millions of dollars,

and the panda is endangered,

and, you know,
the Chinese like guys like me.

- I'm not impressed.

Pandas sleep all day
and have sex once a month.

I coulda given you
my ex-wife

and saved you a trip to China.

- Well, uh, don is taking me
to a fundraising event

at the zoo tonight
to celebrate the new panda.

- Yeah, some guy
with a million dollars

pulled some strings,

and Rosemary gets to read
to the kids.

You get that guy's me, right?

- Yeah, I broke that code.

- I-I'm gonna read
to the kids,

and don's gonna dress up
like a panda.

He loves entertaining children.

- My Uncle dressed up
all the time

and entertained kids.

Now he's not allowed
within 25 feet of a school.

- Don, could you just give us
a minute?

- Sure, doll.

I'll time it
with the sweep hand

of my expensive watch.

That's, uh,
that's how you know it's real.

- That dope is your boyfriend?

- He's not a dope.

We went on a few dates
before I went out with you,

and then he went to China,
and he just came back.

And he asked me out.
Don't be mad.

I asked you yesterday
if you wanted to be exclusive,

and you said no.

- I'm not mad.

I'm happy for you.

Glad you found
a handsome millionaire

who looks like he's wearing

the drapes
from a Tijuana bordello.

- Ed, why do you know so much

about the inside
of a Tijuana bordello?

- Because I do.

I gotta go.

- I'll call you tomorrow.

- Don't bother.

I got a date
with a little tomato of my own.

- Ed, is it an actual tomato?

- We're not exclusive.
None of your business.

- What kind of weirdo

comes to your house
and gives you eggs?

- The easter bunny.

Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, wait, wait.

He doesn't give 'em to you.

You have to find them.

- You know,
it's almost insulting

that she thinks
we would even consider

using her eggs for our baby.

- Is it?

I mean,
we looked into donor eggs.

They cost a fortune.

- Yeah, I know,
but this is Katie.

- Honey,
if we didn't know Katie,

what would we be looking for
in a donor?

I mean, we... we'd want her
to be pretty.

- I guess we'd...

We'd want her to be smart.

- Yeah, and she'd have to have
big boobs.

- Why would she have to have
big boobs?

- Wha...

If... in case she wasn't
smart and pretty.

Look, Katie's all those things.

- I know, I know.

Are we actually now
considering this?

- I don't know.
I kinda think we should.

- I wouldn't have
such a problem with it

if she wasn't such a...

Evil bitch.

- Well, honey,

maybe that's the way
she was raised.

I mean, there's no way
she had a mother

as good as you're gonna be.

- You're so good to me, Vince.

- It's the truth.
- Damn it!

Dropped my iPod
in the garbage disposal.

[Grinding]

- Vin... Vince, look at me.
Look at me.

Henry is not to hold the baby.

- Dad.

Just buy cable.

- I am not watching
the neighbors' cable.

I do that
in the upstairs bathroom.

It's called multi-tasking.

- So what are you doing?

- I'm spying on Rosemary.

She's on a date
with some lowlife.

- Says the guy
with the binoculars

and the beef jerky.

- They're going out
on some stupid date

to a panda habitat opening
at the zoo.

What kind of moron
gives a crap about that?

- I'm covering it
for my magazine.

- That answers my question.

- Dad, why would Rosemary want
to be with anyone else

when she could have you?

- Yeah, that's what I think.

She asked me if I would be
exclusive with her,

and I said no.

- Why'd you say no?
I thought you liked her.

- Well, if I said yes
to only being with her,

in fact, I'm saying no

to hundreds of millions
of women.

- Right, right, right.

And explain how.

- You know, you figure there's
six billion people

on the planet.

And maybe half of them
are women.

And you subtract everyone
under the age of 21,

lesbians, and Australians.

That leaves me
with hundreds of millions

of potential partners.

- Say, dad,

even with all these
opportunities,

if I were you,
I would just tell Rosemary

you wanted to be exclusive.

- Why?

- Because I see the way
you look at her.

And I haven't seen you look
at someone like that

since mom.

- Well, I'll talk to her.

- Great.

I'm gonna get my sunglasses
out of the sink.

Dropped 'em in there

when I was getting my iPod
out of the sink.

[Knock at door]

- Oh, my.
My, my, my.

Cute place.

You drive cross country in it?

- What the hell
are you doing here?

- We need to talk.

You'll excuse me
if I'm a little jet-lagged.

I just got back from China.

Flew first class.
Didn't use Miles.

Had 'em.
Didn't need 'em.

- Don, I'm gonna say this

as nicely as possible.

You're an arrogant jackass.

We have a lot in common.

But Rosemary's my lady.

- Yeah, well,
that's why I'm here.

In your tiny house.

You need to back off Rosemary.

- What the hell
are you talking about?

- I'm about to take Rosemary
to the zoo event,

and I'm going to ask her
to go steady.

And you're not gonna be able
to stop me

because I'm going to be driving
very fast

in my Mercedes s class,

which I own outright.

You have a nice evening.

Ids, please.

- He actually sponsored
the event.

- Oh, Rosemary, please.

As far as he's concerned,
I'm just another guy.

The guy who paid $100k
to sponsor the event.

"K" means thousand.

- Don, they knew that
at the valet.

They know that here.

- There she is.

Rosemary!
Hold up.

Excuse me, please.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, ids, please.

- I'm press.

- Oh, go right in.

- I'm press, too.
- Hey.

That's a napkin
from long John silver's.

- Let me see.

Ah.

- And now that's, uh, nothing.

You're holding up nothing.

- Look, what do I have to do
to get in there?

I haven't got time
for these kind of games.

- Hey, I wish
I could help you out, buddy,

but this is the hottest ticket

at the zoo tonight, man.

- All I want to do

is talk to a woman in there.

And I promise
I'll be right back out.

- Yeah, yeah,
you and three other guys.

Please just step
out of line, sir.

Thank you.
Next.

- Okay,
so now what's your plan?

- I'll tell you what I told
Vince's mother

when she got pregnant.

If I had a plan,

I wouldn't be standing here
with you.

- All right, dad, look.
I should get in there.

Do you want me to stay
out here with you?

- No, no, no.
I'll think of something.

- Hey, uh, buddy.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

- I can't believe
we're about to do this.

- Me neither,
but you know, Bonnie,

it's like we've always said.

Everything happens
for a reason.

- That's so true.

I mean, we've been talking

about this pregnancy
for a year,

and then, suddenly,
Katie shows up

out of the blue.

- Yeah, with her big boobs.
- You know what?

You need to stop saying that.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- If it were reversed...

- I know, I'm putting myself
in your shoes.

- Yes, thank you.
Thank you.

But you're right.

Everything happens
for a reason.

We're doing it.

We're having the spawn
of our former evil boss.

- Hey.

To fate.

- Mm, cheers.

Mm.

We should put those eggs
in the freezer.

Good idea.

- Oh, my God.

The bulldog ate my baby!

- I told you he could do it!

- Don.

- What are you doing here?

- Looking for Rosemary.
Where is she?

- None of your business.

- Look, I like Rosemary.

And I've done everything
short of telling her

or acting like it.

Now that's gonna change.

And I need you
out of the picture.

- Ed, I'm a millionaire.

I don't have time for this.

- I've been very nice
up until now.

But you don't want
to mess with me.

- Or what?

Okay, kids, welcome.

Now, today,
we don't have the actual panda.

(All)
- Awww.

- No, but it's okay.

He had a very, very long trip
from China,

and it's gonna take him
a little while

to get used to his new home.

But we have
a very special guest

for you today.

[All cheering]

- Now, the panda is endangered,
which means

we have to treat him
very, very carefully,

right?

[Kids screaming]

- Please don't be dad.
Please don't be dad.

- Rosemary.

It's me, ed.

- All right.
Night, everybody.

- Ed, what are you doing here?

- I came to tell you something.

[Thud]

[Kids screaming]

- Don't listen to him.

He's a maniac.

[Grunting and groaning]

[Kids oohing]

- All right, then, children.

This sometimes happens
in the wild.

[Grunting continues]

When two very different species
are introduced

into the same habitat.

Such as a panda and a...

[Grunting and shouting]

An eagle.

But there is nothing...

Nothing to be frightened of.

[Kids screaming]

Nature can be mysterious.

- Ah.

- Out, out, out, out!
- Rosemary!

[All screaming]

- Thanks for coming!
- Rosemary!

Rosemary.

- Ed, are you insane?!

- No, but I may have
a tiny concussion.

- What is wrong with you?

What are you doing here?

You can't just swoop in here
and beat up my date!

- Well, you shouldn't be
dating him.

He's wrong for you.

He's an arrogant ass.

- Ed, you have no right
to tell me

who I can and cannot date.

You made it very clear
yesterday

that you wanted
to see other people.

- I changed my mind.

- Well, what does that mean?

- I don't wanna have fun.

I wanna be with you.

- Thank you, ed.

- Well, I...
You know what I mean.

I should've told you,

but I was afraid
of looking foolish.

- Well, you dodged that bullet.

- I know that dressing up
like an eagle

and beating the crap
out of a panda

in front of a bunch of kids

is not the best way
of telling you.

But I haven't felt this way
about a woman

in a long, long time.

- Really?

I don't know what to say.

- I've never had a man
do anything so...

Stupid for me before.

- You stick with me,

I'll do lots of stupid things.

What do you say?

You wanna go exclusive?

- Spit it out!
I'm about to be tasered.

- Yes, yes, you crazy idiot!

I will be exclusive with you.

- All right.

Rosemary.

Rose...

[Grunting]

- Ow!

- Wait for me, Rosemary!

Wait...For me!

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