All language subtitles for Shit My Dad Says s01e15 Ed Goes to Court.eng

Oh, my God.

What the hell happened
to Paula Abdul?

She looks terrible.

Dad, that's Steven Tyler.

Oh.

He looks good.

Oh, my God,
what happened to Oprah?

She looks terrible.

That's Randy Jackson.

Oh.
He looks good.

Hey.

Hey, how was open house?

Eh, a couple of nibbles.

What the hell
is on your lip?

I have a rash, so I couldn't
shave above my lip this morning.

I just can't believe
how fast it grows in.

Yeah, it's a family trait.

We all grow moustaches
really fast.

Ed, I've never seen you
with a moustache.

No, that hair thing
is from his mother's side.

More specifically,
his mother.

It's not just her side.

I can grow a moustache too.

Please.
You know something,

you can't grow any facial hair
at all.

I bei cagrow a more
killer moustache than you.

Care to make this interesting?

Please, somebody make it
interesting.

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Hello, ed,
it's Rosemary pernworth,

your next-door neighbor.

Rosemary, I knew
you'd come back.

Most women do
after they kiss me.

First of all,
I did not kiss you.

You kissed me.
Oh, just joking.

A little tongue in cheek.

Like you were doing
when you kissed me.

Again, you kissed me.

But I'd rather not talk
about that.

My lips are sealed.

Unlike yours...

When you kissed me.

Anyway, I would rather
not spend more time here

than I need to.

I'm here to bring you
some things

that you could find useful
as the new president

of the fleetridge
homeowners' association.

Here are the keys to our closet
at city hall.

Good-bye.

- You'll be back.
- No, I won't.

All right, the little one
goes to the cabinet

where we store
the town nativity scene,

although we're not allowed
to display it anymore,

but we can't figure out
a respectful way

of disposing of it.

And the square one
is my locker...

Oh, at curves.

I'll take that.

And no one knows
what the blue one is for,

but we don't want
to throw it out.

Good-bye.

- You'll be back.
- No, I won'

The first homeowners'
association meeting

is tomorrow night
at your house.

As vice president,
I have to be there.

Other than that,
I am done with you.

You'll be back.

I will not.

I accidentally gave you
my house key.

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www.addic7ed.com

I hereby call this meeting

of the fleetridge homeowners'
association to order.

Present are ed goodson,
Rosemary pernworth,

Marvin dingle,
and Irving and ting-ting Cohen.

How odd.

What are the chances of you
and your nurse

having the same last name?

Nurse.
I'm his wife.

He's my boo.

Oh, forgive me, I
didn't realize he was your boo.

Let the record show
that I apologized

to boo and ting-ting Cohen.

So noted.

Mr. president,
the floor is yours.

Thank you,
madame secretary.

Marvin is fine.

There have been many rumors
about my presidency...

That I bribed someone, that I
kissed the vice president.

Let me assure you that only one
of these things are true,

and I didn't bribe anyone.

You know,
we're trying to have a meeting.

Marvin, would you please bring
up the first item of business?

Okay, the gloucester house
restoration party is Friday.

We'll need representation from
the homeowners' association.

Typically, that would be
the president.

No.
Meeting adjourned.

Wait. Wait, wait.
Someone has to be there.

Who's free Friday night?

We can't.
It's shabbat.

Fine. Fine.
I'll go.

I just have to shuffle
some things.

I have things.

I'll go too.

I don't have things.

So moved.
Meeting adjourned.

Wait. Hold on. We haven't
even gotten to new business.

I would like to bring up
the issue

of putting a speed bump
on pine Lane.

Negative.
That's my street.

Meeting adjourned.
That is my street too.

And maniacs barrel down there
at 60 Miles an hour.

It's not safe.
Well, it's not safe

for me to hit a speed bump
going 60 Miles an hour.

You know, maybe for once
you could do something

for somebody else,
but I guess ed goodson

doesn't do anything
that inconveniences him.

Let'put to a vote.

All in favor of putting
a speed bump on pine?

All but ed: Aye.

Where's my foot?

Okay, 3 1/2 in favor.

All opposed?

So moved.
Speed bump will be installed

on pine Lane.
Good.

I'll go next door
and get the paperwork.

Meeting adjourned.

This could have been
embarrassing.

I almost wore the same outfit.

So that Rosemary's
a hot number, huh?

- Yeah.
- Between you and me,

I've been working on her
since her husband passed away

five years ago.

And I'm finally
gonna ask her out

at the house restoration party.

Between you and me,
I'm gonna nail her.

That's terrible.

Anyway, how do we undo
this speed bump thing?

Well, you're the president.
I guess you could just veto it,

but that's kind
of a real jerky thing to do.

Yeah, it is. I hereby
veto the speed bump.

Hey, anybody need
any sweeping done?

'Cause I just got
a new push broom.

Let me see.

Holy super Mario.

I know. Doesn't he look
exactly like tom Selleck

from the nose down
and the lip up?

You want to just pay me now?

Hey, hey.

It hasn't been a week yet.

Trust me, this baby's
gonna sprout over night,

and when it does,

it's gonna look like one of
those time-lapse nature videos.

Yours isn't even a moustache.

It's a blueprint
for where a moustache

might one day be built.

We'll see in a week.

Who's gonna be the judge?

Where the hell
is the febreze?

I got to get some ting-ting
off my couch-couch.

Dad, we need you
to judge us.

Fine.
You're both disappointments.

Oh, I'm rry, people,

this took me so long.

I couldn't find the papers.
Here you go.

Where... where is everybody?

The meeting broke up.

When?

- How long have you been gone?
- 30 minutes.

29 1/2 minutes ago.

Well, good for you.

Well, your first meeting.

What did you think
of ting-ting and Irving?

Quite a pair.

Yes, I think he bought them
for her.

Want to go upstairs?

Why?
What's upstairs?

My bed.

I'll take the dent
in the middle.

You can have the high ground.

That's hilarious.

I'm serious.

Let's go upstairs
and have some adult fun.

- Oh, ed.
- What's the problem?

You're pretty.

There's chemistry.

We're neighbors,

so it's a very short walk
of shame home.

Well, that well may be, ed,

but I am n gonna just jump
in bed with you.

Why not?

It'll be fun.

We can role-play.

We could be Irving
and ting-ting.

I'll let you be Irving.

Look, I'm not
that kind of woman.

Are you serious?

I need to be courted.

Hey, listen,
I've been married three times.

And each one of them
took me to court.

I'm done courting.

Well, I still believe
in romance.

I hear you talking.

You can be ting-ting.

Ed, I'm not gonna
just go upstairs

with someone I barely know
just to have some fun

for a couple of hours.

Couple of hours?

You planning on watching
a movie afterwards?

Gosh.
You're really selling it.

Hey, life is short.

You've got to grab
the good times while you can.

Rosemary.

Well, ed, to me,
the good times happen

when you really care
about somebody.

Otherwise,
it's meaningless.

All right,
let's split the difference.

We'll have sex
and regret it afterwards.

You know,
this is a perfect example

of the difference
between you and I.

You are the guy who wants
to barrel down the street

at 60 Miles an hour
to get to your destination

as fast as you can,
and I want to go slowly

and enjoy the journey
along the way,

leave my left turn signal on
for Miles,

and Miles and Miles, as my
daughter constantly points out.

- I'm not gonna beg.
- Well, good.

I will bribe.

For goodness' sake,
just sign this paper

so we can get our speed bump.

The speed bump
is not gonna happen.

- We voted on it.
- I vetoed.

Why? Because I wouldn't sleep
with you?

No. I did it beforehand when
I still thought I had a chance.

But it shows you what kind
of an honorable man I am.

Let's go upstairs
and celebrate.

You are not an honorable man.

You're a selfish man!

Why don't you just go upstairs,
lie in your dent,

and play with your ting-ting.

So what are you doing?

A load of your beige,
gray under-over-things.

Let me ask you a question.

You're a woman, right?

Well, if I'm not,

I'm wasting a lot of money
at the gynecologist.

What do you want, ed?

Why do you think
Rosemary wants me to court her?

Honestly, ed,
I have no idea.

I mean, she acknowledged
th she was attracted to ,

and when I offered to take her
upstairs, she said no.

It's very confusing.

She wants you to court her.

That's what she said.

Who courts at my age?

- It's romantic.
- It's stupid.

Don't you want a woman
who's romantic?

No.

Well, what do you want
in a woman?

- Me.
- Ugh.

Ugh.
Ed, ed, what traits

do you want
in a woman?

I'm not picky.

Two legs and a working eye.

And the eye's negotiable.

Well, then, what's wrong
with Rosemary?

She said no.

Well, then, romance her,
take her out.

Buy her flowers.
Sweep her off her feet.

You could start by buying
some new clothes.

I don't want
to romance her.

Why not?

I don't wanna.

The real reason.
I don't wanna.

- The real reason.
- I don't want to romance her.

You know what I think?

I think you're afraid
to put your heart on the line,

because you really like
this woman,

and you know
if something starts,

then you're in deep,
and the last few times

you've done that,
you've been burned.

And I think you're afraid
to let that happen again.

- That's not it at all.
- Mm.

I don't care
about this woman.

I just want somebody to be
an Irving to my ting-ting.

You don't care
about this woman, ed?

In all the years
I've known you,

this is the first woman
you've even asked about,

and there's been many of them.

- Many.
- All right. All right.

Blagh. Blagh.

All right, ed,
what I'm saying is,

if she wasn't special
to you,

would we even be having
this conversation?

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Mind your own business.
Okay.

Where do we go
to buy new clothes?

Let's get the hell
out of here.

Ed, you have to keep
an open mind.

This is a very trendy store.

I'm sure you'll find something
you like.

I think I see something
over there.

All right,
I'm just gonna see

if they have this skirt
in my size.

You know,
just for fun.

How much for a lap dance?

Ed, ed,
what... what are you doing?

I saw something I liked...
A stripper.

She's not a stripper.
She works here.

Ed, you've got
to stop objectifying women.

It's off-putting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on.

Two, four, six, eight.

Whoa, whowhoo!Oa,
and they're all there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Can I help you?

Yes, we're looking
for some men's clothing.

Although if you can't find any,
I doubt if I can either.

Well, I would start out
with the pants.

Maybe something
a little less that.

And a little more something
like... like this?

I'm not paying $100 for a pair
of pants that are ripped.

They're not ripped.
They're distressed.

It makes them cost more.

In that case, I'm wearing
an $80 pair of underwear.

Look, why don't I just let
you two figure this out?

Ed, what is wrong
with you?

I thought you wanted me
to help you.

I don't see why I have to look
like a gay homeless man

in order to prove
that I like this woman.

If she doesn't like me
for who I am,

maybe she's not worth it.

Ed, think about it, if she
did like you for who you are,

would you trust her judgment?

Good point.

, yeah.

There it is.

It's not a moustache, okay?

It's just the light hitting
your peach fuzz.

Trust me,
I have this conversation

with Bonnie all the time.

Oh, crap, I can't afford
a ticket right now.

Okay, okay, relax, relax.

My friend Chris used to get out
of tickets all the time.

- Great. How?
- She'd cry and show her boobs.

My shirt's tucked in.

You just ran that stop sign.

License and registration,
please.

I'm sorry, officer.
I was just talking

to my brother, and we...
You know what?

Don't worry about it.
Those things are hard to see.

Just be careful next time.

Oh, thank you, officer.

Nice 'stache.

I hear that.

You're not wearing
your seat belt.

That's a $50 fine.

Hey.

Nice party.
Ed.

What are you doing here,

and why are you dressed
like captain stubing?

I'm courting you.

Oh, you think you can
just come here

and win me over by dressing up
like a handsome sailor?

Is it working?

A little bit.

Go on.

Well, my daughter-in-law said,
if you care about someone,

you got to make the effort.

So she took me
to this trendy clothing store

and tried to get me
to buy some ridiculous clothes

that no self-respecting man
over the age of 20

would be caught dead in.

Hello, Rosemary.

Jealous much?

Anyway,

if you're willing
to give it a shot,

I'm willing to take it slow.

Are you serious?

Give you my word

as an officer
and a gentleman.

Well, I'm impressed

and, I must say,
a little surprised.

Well, actually, I have
a surprise for you tonight

that I'd like to show you.

- What is it?
- Trust me.

You'll like it.
What are you drinking?

Well, I wouldn't say no
to a glass of chardonnay.

Unless it wanted
to sleep with you.

Rosemary, would...
Would you like to dance?

But there's no music playing,
Marvin.

I hate myself so much
right now.

Anyway, I'm waiting for ed.

He apparently has some kind
of surprise for me.

Oh, boy.
That's a killer.

- What?
- I can't say.

It's guy code.

He said he was gonna sleep
with you.

- He did?
- No, he didn't.

He said he was gonna nail you.

He told you that?

I've said too much.

Nail you good, Rosemary.

Oh, here he comes, but you
didn't hear that from me.

That he said
he was gonna nail you.

One chardonnay.

Here's to taking it slow.

So what's the surprise
you have for me?

Well, if I told you,
it wouldn't be a surprise.

Let's just say you have
to drive home with me tonight

in order to see it.

Well, I have
a little surprise myself.

I never want
to speak to you again.

- What?
- Good-bye, ed.

Hmm. Oh, no.

No, he tried to lure me
back to his house.

Claimed he had some kind
of surprise for me.

The only surprise
was that I fell for it.

So stupid.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Ma'am, this service
is for directions

and emergencies only.

It is an emergency.

My neighbor's a complete ass...

Holy smokes.

Are you okay?
What happened?

That was the surprise.

He put in a speed bump.

Damn.
That was awful.

What happened?

All these years,
I still don't understand women.

I guess the best thing to do
is to treat 'em

like cranberry sauce
on Thanksgiving.

Take a spoonful and quickly
pass it on to the next guy.

Wow, ed,
on behalf of women everywhere,

yuck.

See, the thing is,
I really liked her.

That's why I don't put myself
out there with women.

What was that for?

Putting in the speed bump.
I drove over it.

That's why I'm covered
in milkshake.

I know.
I checked it out myself.

I can still do 45
without bottoming out my impala.

If you still want to,
I'd be happy

for you to court me.

It would be my honor.

Okay.

I'll go home
and get changed.

And then you can begin courting.

Congratulations, ed.

Looks like you nailed it.

Have you no respect?
That is the woman I'm courting.

Wow, you really do look
like your mother.

Henry, come on,
it's time!

All right.
Came in last night,

and it looks mean.

Come on.
Let's just see it.

All right.

Here we go.

Whoa.

Now, dad, who wins?

How'd you know
it was fake?

I didn't.

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