All language subtitles for Shit My Dad Says s01e10 Truce.eng

- Hey, dad...
- Get down!

What the hell are you doing?

People are gonna think
you're a pepingtom.

A pepingtom spy on young
women getting dressed.

I'm spying on a
65 year ex-marine.

Who is eating a
egg white omelet.

- Why?
- High colesterol, I presume.

He had four heart attacks
in 3 years.

Coast is clean.
You can get up.

What was going on last night?

Sound like a cow
was giving birth.

That was me.

I jacked up
the neighbor's shed

And shimmied it over
12 inches to the south.

I'm know I'm going
to regret asking you this.

Why would you do that?

'cause that land-grabber
built his shed

Six inches
over my property line.

So once a month,
I go over there

And I move it a foot
the other way,

And then the next night,

That nasty bastard
moves it back.

So, tell me, coyote,

How long have you
and the roadrunner been at this?

Let's see.
What's today, Thursday?

Roughly 25 years.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, this is the best part.

This is when he discovers it.

"oh, look!

Somebody moved my shed!"

[laughs]

"i'm mr. Campbell.

I make dumb faces
when someone moves my shed!"

This is insane,
even for you.

I don't know why
don't you just let him

Keep his shed
a little bit on your property.

Because it's
on my property.

I earned it.

The trouble
with your generation is

You never had
to fight for anything.

My generation fought
so guys like you

Can sit around
on your ass all day,

Living in the lap of luxury
for free.

Are you kidding me?

I live
in a spider-infested attic,

I can't use electricity
after 9:00 p.M.,

And I don't
sit around all day.

I'm busting my ass trying
to find a job,

Which is very hard to do when
I being woken up at 4:00 a.M.

Because you're out in the yard
playing the world's longest game

Of "gotcha last."

You can sleep through
the noise of me moving a shed.

During the war, I slept
through four years of shelling.

How did
you hear shelling?

You were a medic on a boat.

Corporal harry shelling.

We shared a cabin.

The bastard snored
like a leaf blower.

Damn deviated septum.

Every night, in and out.
In and out.

"breathe through
your nose, shelling!

Breathe through your nose!"

Anyway, look,

I'm just saying, I think
you should go talk to him.

I mean, he's stubborn,

He was in the military,
he's crazy.

I think you guys
could be friends.

Sync by United
www.addic7ed.com

Why do you always
have to be at war with someone?

Mr. Campbell,

The paperboy,
the mailman.

I'm not at war
with the mailman.

That war is over.
I defeated him.

Yes, and now we have to walk
to the post office

To get our mail.

With our heads held high.

Guess what we brought
for lunch?

Tamales!

Which is spanish for...

Uh, tamales.

We took a spanish class
at the learning annex.

Uh, muy bien, vicente.

Como esta usted?

Oh!

Tamales!

Well, the class
was only nine bucks,

And it came
with a free sombrero, so...

Okay, get this,
we just saw a great dog

At the rescue down
at the farmers' market,

Which we're gonna adopt!

Now, hold on,
before you say anything,

I know what you guys
are thinking,

But trust me, this is
not a baby substitute.

I wasn't thinking that.

I wasn't
even listening.

Why would you assume
that's what they were thinking?

I don't know.

They know that
we're having trouble conceiving.

You guys are having trouble
conceiving?

Probably my fault.

I never gave him
that sex talk.

He knows what goes where,

And what doesn't.

It's fine.
It's nobody's fault.

We're fine.
Everyone's fine.

It's just some people
take a little longer,

You know, to conceive.
It's just...

Besides, we took some tests,

And the good news is there is
nothing wrong with my eggs.

Oh. Huevos.

Oh. Muy bien, vicente.

So we're getting a dog
'cause we want a dog,

And that's all there is
to it.

So what do you want from me?

Well, pop,
we're just wondering

If you still have any of
schwarzkopf's old dog stuff

Because the woman
who runs the animal rescue,

She's gonna come over
and inspect our place.

And we want
to prove to her

That we can be
incredible parents.

- You mean "owners."
- that's what I said.

Yeah, I got
schwarzkopf's old leash

And his dog bowl over here.

The rest
of the stuff's upstairs.

Brings a tear to my eye when
I think of that little guy.

Oh.

You know, schwarzkopf
was a great animal.

He was a horrible animal.

He tried to kill
mrs. Cleator's dog.

'cause
he was defending his bone,

Her dog was trying
to get it from him.

That's what you do when someone
takes what's yours.

You don't talk it out.

That's why
he was victorious.

He was wheeled away
like hannibal lecter.

With his muzzled head
held high.

What are
you two talking about?

Oh. You don't know
about the whole shed war

Going on
between dad and mr. Campbell?

Oh, you mean
that insane ex-military freak?

Yeah. He's fighting
with mr. Campbell.

I remember mr. Campbell.

You know, I--
I can't even talk about it.

He's going
to talk about it.

I was ten years old,

And my soccer ball went
over our fence into his yard,

And he took that garden claw
he's always holding,

And he stuck it
in the ball,

And then he held it up and
laughed as it--and I--deflated.

It's been 25 years,

And I still haven't been able
to watch soccer.

I'll tell
you what you missed:

Three goals.

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Excuse me,
mr. Campbell?

What the hell do you want,
hot dog?

Why am I "hot dog"?

'cause your brother's
"hamburger."

I want to talk to you
about the shed.

I know you and my father
have been fighting,

But I firmly believe
that any problem

Can be resolved
by talking it out.

Look, I know
he moved the shed,

And he's very sorry
and would like to make peace.

What do I care
if he wants to make pizza?

I said "peace."

Oh, oh.
Talk into this ear.

My father
would like to make peace.

Oh, well,
that doesn't sound like him.

He sounds like this.

"oh, look at me.
I'm ed.

I move people's sheds,
and I'm dumb."

That's...

- Actually pretty close.
- Yep.

Look, what can we do

To bring this whole shed thing
to an end?

It's about
more than the shed.

Over the years,
your father has done

Unmentionable things
to me.

He stole my angel away
from me.

I loved her.

Oh, my god.

I kept her over there
by the pond

So the birds
wouldn't poop on her.

Oh, a statue.

I thought you were
talking about your wife.

I was.

That was a joke.

Look, if I get you
that statue back,

Will you be willing
to at least talk to my dad?

Fine, fine.

So we just had
a very nice conversation,

And afterwards,
he said he wanted a truce.

It's a trap.

The man has a rock garden.

You can't trust
that kind of crazy.

Dad, trust me.
I talked to him.

All he wants
is his statue back.

Where the birds
can poop on it.

So it's a deal?

Not quite.

His hedge trimmers?

That's going to cost him.

Bird feeder? Fine.

I hung it
over the angel statue.

Fantastic.

So we'll do the exchange
tomorrow at 6:00.

6:00?

He knows perfectly well
that's when I feed my koi.

6:05.

Busy.

Dad, how can you be free
at 6:00 and then busy at 6:05?

That's when
I do my koi fishing.

Look, here's the deal:

Tomorrow, 6:30, you and I
will both meet here.

Cool?

Cool.

Mr. Campbell?

I'm easy.

Okay.
Dad, here's your weed-whacker.

Bernice,
I've missed you.

Uh-huh.

And, mr. Campbell,
here is your watering can,

Which some bird has
totally jackson pollocked.

All right, guys,
I think that's about everything.

Well, campbell, it takes
a big man to admit defeat.

I wasn't defeated.
You were.

What are you talking about?

Henry says you were begging
for a truce.

What?

The hot dog told me
you wanted the truce.

What?

Hot dog, you tell him
I wanted a truce?

Well, I just--
you know what?

My name isn't "hot dog."

I knew you weren't man enough
to admit you were wrong!

What are you
talking about?

Your shed is six inches
over on my property!

The hell it is!

I've got the survey!

I don't care
if you hate sorbet!

I hate you!

What are you talk--
I didn't say anything--"sorb--"?

Listen with your good ear,

Ya tin-eared jarhead!

The truce is over!

And that shed is going
in the koi pond tomorrow!

You'll move it
off of your tomatoes first.

I'll tell you that
right now!

You put a step
on my tomatoes,

You'll get a tomato
in the face!

Hold on! Hold on!

- You don't even understand--
- hold on!

Hold on.

You better not come
on my tomatoes.

Dad!

- You come on my--
- stop it.

- You just stop it.
- Mr. Campbell!

- I've had enough--
- stop it!

What is with you two?

We've come this far.

Now shake hands and end this.

Come on.

For once,
give peace a chance.

Listen, yoko...

I am not shaking
that man's hand.

Dad...

Please.

For once,

For me.

See?

Was that so hard?

It feels good,
doesn't it?

- Eh.
- Well...

Feels good, I guess.

Yeah, of course
it does.

See, dad,
by doing things my way,

We were able to reach
an agreement peacefully.

So...Is there, uh,

Something
you want to say to me?

Yeah.

Get this crap off my lawn.

The sprinklers go on
in three minutes.

It's not quite
"you were right,"

But I know it's
what you meant, dad.

Hey, mr. Campbell.

Mr. Campbell,
I want to thank...

Hey, that's my old bike.

I thought it was stolen.

Well, not stolen.

Impounded.

It was left in front
of my driveway 15 years ago,

And it became mine.

Are you kidding me?

My dad grounded me for
two months for losing that bike.

I mean,
I put flyers up everywhere.

I put a flyer
on your tree.

That flyer
became mine as well.

Come on, mr. Campbell,
I just want my bike back.

No, no, those were not
the terms of the agreement.

Then I'm going to come over
there and take it.

You do, and you'll
get a face full of claw.

- But it's my bike!
- And it's my claw.

Now, you make like a hot dog
and kiss my ass.

That doesn't
even make sense!

Well, does this
make any sense?

- [air hissing]
- oh!

[laughs]

That was not a nice thing
to do, mr. Campbell!

That's it!
This is war!

And I'm gettin'
my bike back.

You don't even know.

You think
ed goodson's tough?

Hot dog goodson's
as tough as they come!

Ooh!
I am so pissed right now!

Aw.

Who put the sand
in your panties?

Your arch nemesis.

The assistant manager
at radio shack?

- Mr. Campbell.
- Oh.

Remember that summer
when I was 12

And my bike got stolen?

I can hardly
remember your name.

How am I supposed
to remember that?

I'll never forget it.

I had to do
my paper route on foot.

Six hours a day, dad,
95-degree heat.

You told me to strap
a bell to my arm.

[chuckling]

That I remember.

Back then, I could only visit
you during the summertime.

All year long, I looked forward
to it--and feared it--

But mainly
looked forward to it.

And then that summer, all we did
was argue about the bike.

I just found out it was
all campbell's fault.

I left my bike
in front of his place,

And he just took it!

[chuckles] I told you
the guy was a jerk.

Totally.

We need to get him back.

Ohh!

Jumping off the old peace train,
are we, cat stevens?

Sure you don't want
to talk anymore?

See? No. No, no, no.

I see what you're doing,
and this is different.

I didn't start anything
with him, dad.

He just stole my bike.

Now you want
to get him back, eh?

Did you want
to sneak over there

And light up
the old koi barbecue?

Maybe drop trou
and fertilize the rock garden.

Yeah, I haven't really thought
about the details.

Mmm, fantasize about going
over there one night, eh?

Crawl over to his bunk
and pick up a pillow

And put it over his face

And stop the snoring bastard
once and for all?

You can't breathe
through your mouth now,

Can you, shelling?

Answer me! Answer me!

Anyway...

Right. So...

Here's what you're
going to do:

Absolutely nothing.

What?

We have a truce,
a truce you brokered.

And you know
what my code is.

Treat a horse like a woman
and a woman like a horse?

That's my credo.

My code is a man
never breaks his word.

- But, dad--
- no "buts," henry.

You never go back
on your word,

Not even if you haven't slept
in three weeks,

And you promised
your commanding officer

You wouldn't touch him.

Even though
all you can think about

Is what it would feel like

To put your hands
around shelling's neck

And squeeze
and squeeze and squeeze

Until the only sound you hear

Is the sound
of your own panting.

[panting]

Dad, is shelling
still alive?

He's my podiatrist.

A good foot man
if you need one.

[knock at door]

Oh, vince, the woman
from the dog rescue's here!

Be cool.
Don't be nervous.

Don't be obvious.

Don't be desperate.

What are you doing?
Get out here!

Hi.

Look out, everybody.

The weird dog lady's here.

[laughs] oh.

Come on in.
You must be roberta.

I'm bonnie.

Hope you don't mind,

I let myself in
through the people door.

That's funny.
Vince!

Hi, I'm vince.

Oh, hi, I'm roberta.

Hope you don't mind,

I let myself in
through the people door.

Oh, my god,
she did that for me, too.

So let's
take a look around

And see if this place is
suitable for a dog.

Oh, it's
entirely suitable.

We are going to be
excellent parents.

Uh, owners?

That's what I said.

We just want to make sure
we cover all of our bases.

I even signed up
for a "puppy and me" class.

The first week is yoga.

Yoga?

What the heck is a puppy
gonna do in a yoga class?

Downward dog?

So...

Okay, so you guys live
on a great street,

And you are five blocks
from a terrific dog park.

But, you know,
if you both work,

One of you is going
to have to come home

For a mid-day walk.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
we've planned for that.

And what are
we going to walk him in?

I don't know, maybe something
from his new...

[sing-song] wardrobe!

Great dane!

What am I looking at here?

Oh, just stuff I bought.

I like to go online at night
and buy things for the dog.

You know,
little rubber newspapers

And little hats,

Little backpacks,

Those little shoes
that if it rains

They don't get
their little feet wet.

- Okay, okay.
- What's going on? What?

Yeah. No, I think I see
what's going on here.

Folks, I don't think I can
approve you for this adoption.

Wait. Why?

All you're dealing with
is two loving people

- That want a dog.
- Baby.

- A dog.
- Baby.

- Dog.
- Baby.

Honey? Honey?

Honey, stop.

- Dog!
- Baby, baby, baby.

Folks, folks, look,

When a couple adopts a dog,
but they really want a baby,

It always ends up
being a problem for the dog.

Not in every case,
of course, but in enough

So that I can't approve you
today for this dog.

This has nothing to do
with a baby.

Come on, let's get real.

This is about as nutsy-cuckoo
as it gets,

And you're talking to someone
who just came

From a $50,000 bark-mitzvah.

I'm so sorry.

You guys seem
like really nice people.

I'll let myself out.

Well, it's just
one person's opinion.

I mean, you know, there's plenty
of dog rescues in san diego,

- If you want a dog--
- I want a baby, vince.

I know you do, bonnie,

And we'll have one.

What if we can't?

Honey, look at me.

We'll have one, okay?

Come here.

* uno, dos, tres *

* y cuatro, cinco, seis *

* siete, ocho-- *

Okay.

Vince's ball.

My bike.

The claw.

Who's out there?

- Aah!
- Aah!

Ohh!

Ooh!

[siren wails]
daaaaad!

How does it feel to get cpr
from a navy medic?

Oh, the humiliation
is crushing.

I suppose I owe you one.

I'll bet you do.

How about you give my boy
back his bicycle,

And we'll call it even?

Who's steven?

That's your bad ear.

My boy,
give him his bike back.

Only if we go back
to hating each other.

I'm way ahead of you.

"oh! Oh, look at me.
I'm ed goodson.

I'm dumb.
I just resuscitated my enemy."

"oh, oh! Look at me.
I'm mr. Campbell.

"i'm dumb. I just had
a minor heart attack

Like a girl."

Don't forget
your aspirin, now.

Please feed my fish.

I'll feed your fish.

I'll feed them to the cat.

Okay, then.

See? It's all right
to dislike people

And have people dislike you.

You don't have to talk
through everything.

Fine, I see
your point, dad,

But I still think
you take things too far.

I mean,
if you didn't do that,

You might have
a friend or two.

I have a friend.

You, stupid.

Right.

You're my friend, too.

Okay, now,
time to feed the koi.

Oh.

Sit down. I...

I bought you something.

- What is it?
- A male stripper.

Open the damn box.

Ed, I don't really think
I'm in the mood...

I wasn't in the mood to get
you something, but I got it.

Open the box.

Oh, my god, ed.

It's a dog.

Yes. I know what it is.

Oh.

No, no, none of that.

I don't know what to say.

Good.
Say nothing.

Sync by United
www.addic7ed.com

Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0