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Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK
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00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,224
Welcome to the University of Ithaca.
This is it right here.
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00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:02,770
I'll give you a good tour today.
Show you as much as you need to know.
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00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,814
Plus a whole lot more, actually.
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00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:09,235
This is the main area of the university.
You'll be getting used to this area.
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00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:13,156
This is sort of where you'd congregate
with your friends and classmates.
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Come in around me, everyone.
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Keep close. Don't straggle.
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I've had problems
with stragglers before, okay?
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00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,581
They get lost in the back.
They get hit by trucks.
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00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:22,874
Okay? It's not pretty.
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00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,959
It's not pretty when it happens.
13
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This is, by the way, the Joseph H.
Nelson Memorial Library here, okay?
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It was built in the 1600s.
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1600s?
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It says 1951.
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That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.
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That's the psychology department.
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00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:53,237
Each semester,
you'll be expected to volunteer
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for some experimental testing.
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Kind of cool.
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00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:03,206
When it's your turn, remember
to wear loose clothes, no metal,
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00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:08,044
and be prepared to receive
several heavy doses of electric current.
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00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:13,090
They're watching us right now.
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00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:17,136
Over there is the department of English.
26
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:20,890
I see most of you speak English already,
so we can skip that one.
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00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,726
How long have you been
going to school here?
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Eight years.
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00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,816
You don't seem to know
anything about it here.
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00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,651
This is the worst tour ever.
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This is the worst school ever.
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I mean, doesn't anything cool
ever happen here?
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Yeah, cool stuff happens here.
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00:02:37,407 --> 00:02:41,202
This University of Ithaca
is the coolest place in the world.
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That's because he's probably
never been anywhere else.
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Go ahead, laugh. Laugh all you want.
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But the fact of the matter is,
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this is the setting
for the greatest story ever told. Okay?
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00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:01,931
It's about this guy I knew, Josh Parker,
40
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,725
and his girlfriend, Tiffany.
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00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,770
And it's one of the most
fascinating journeys ever.
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00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,986
Josh and Tiffany were always together
from when they were really little.
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They did everything as a team.
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Once when Tiffany was ten years old,
she had her tonsils taken out.
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Josh stayed in the hospital
for three straight days.
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They were best friends.
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00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,127
And eventually
what started out as friendship
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blossomed into some serious French
kissing and lots of heavy petting.
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00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:40,970
They spent so much time together
that even their dogs started dating.
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00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,474
They seemed destined
to be together forever.
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00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:51,814
But after high school, they faced
their most challenging challenge ever,
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a long-distance relationship.
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See, while Josh was enrolled here
at the wonderful University of Ithaca,
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00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:06,913
Tiffany went off to veterinary school
in Austin, Texas.
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00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:10,750
But they made a pact,
a promise to stay true to each other,
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00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:15,254
to talk every day
and maintain an exclusive relationship.
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00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:20,426
But that turned out to be more difficult
than either of them had ever imagined.
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Tiffany.
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00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:25,723
- Hey, baby.
- Oh, my God.
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00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:30,519
You were amazing last night.
I never ever came like that before.
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00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,188
- Come on.
- Seriously.
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00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,358
I had to take two birth control pills
this morning.
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00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,526
You want to help me
study again tonight?
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00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,862
Forget tonight. Come over now.
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00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,281
Let's blow this class off.
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00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:16,065
Tiffany and Carla can't come
to the phone right now.
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Leave a message.
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00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:23,072
Tif, it's me again.
Just wondering where you are.
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00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,700
Still trying to get ahold of you.
Everything's cool, though.
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00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:29,412
And I'm sure I'll catch you later.
But call me back, okay?
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00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:31,580
Okay. Bye.
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00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:41,090
I just wanted to add something
before I sent this video off.
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00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,592
I haven't talked to you in a few days,
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00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,970
and I'm starting to think
you don't like me anymore.
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No, I'm kidding.
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00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,431
Hey, guys.
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00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:52,393
But I am getting a little worried,
so call when you can, okay?
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00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:55,229
All right. Barry says hi.
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00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:58,190
So give me a call
as soon as you can, okay? I miss you.
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00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,943
Call me, okay? Bye.
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00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,532
- What's up, guys?
- Not much.
82
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:07,783
- You?
- Nothing.
83
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,785
I was just finishing my tape to Tiffany.
84
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:13,456
Hey, Mitch. What are you doing?
Are you hungry?
85
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,379
Are you going to feed him?
86
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,921
No, I'm checking
the temperature inside of his cage.
87
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:26,635
Mitch needs an evenly distributed
85 degrees to survive.
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00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,931
Can I drop a mouse in?
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00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:33,642
Sorry, Mitch only eats once a week,
on Saturdays.
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00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,146
Maybe we could cut a mouse in half
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00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:40,816
and we could feed him half now
and the other half on Saturday.
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00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,151
I don't think so.
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00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:44,487
I thought you had class now.
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00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:48,657
What time is it? Oh, shit.
Can you do me a favor?
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00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,970
When this is done rewinding,
will you drop it in the mail for me?
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00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,329
- No problem. Just leave it there.
- Thanks, man.
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00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:55,998
I'll see you guys later?
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00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:00,795
Can we please feed him now?
99
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,922
If you overfeed him, he could die.
100
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,340
So?
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00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:05,549
It'll be worth it.
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00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:09,261
Josh.
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00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:10,513
Beth.
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00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,307
- What's going on?
- Not much.
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00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,351
- Where have you been?
- Nowhere.
106
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,938
Studying a lot. I'm starting
to question this whole college thing.
107
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,709
No one told me there was going
to be this much reading involved.
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00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,987
- You going to E.L.'s tonight?
- Yeah, I'll be there.
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00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,077
I got to run.
My class started five minutes ago.
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00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,199
Okay, go, then.
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00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,534
I'll see you tonight.
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00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,370
Yeah. Sorry. Tonight.
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00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,503
So you have a thing for that guy now,
is that it?
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00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,171
It's none of your business, Jacob.
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00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,382
I can just tell you like him, that's all.
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00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:49,343
- I'm not having this conversation again.
- What conversation?
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00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:53,305
You need to stop all this, okay?
You and I, we're not a couple.
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00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:56,142
We've never been a couple,
and we will never be one.
119
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,979
Now, this week I'd like you to think
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00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:05,067
about Plato's dialogues
of the middle years.
121
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:09,029
The Republic, Phaedo, Symposium.
122
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:12,408
Now, this will all be
on next week's midterm
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00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:15,911
so I suggest you read up on it.
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00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:20,249
Jacob, do you have anything to add?
125
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:26,922
Just a reminder. The midterm
will cover all of the in-class lectures
126
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:30,759
as well as all of the assigned readings.
127
00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:34,346
It will be entirely essay form,
so bring legal pads.
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00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:35,598
I prefer yellow.
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00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,766
It's easier on the eyes.
130
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:46,358
Thank you, Jacob. And see you all
next week for the midterm.
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00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:56,619
I saw you hitting on Beth.
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00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,872
Not a good idea. She's spoken for.
133
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,040
What?
134
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:04,293
She'll come back to me.
They always do.
135
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,963
So, Mr. Parker.
136
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:10,716
Do you intend to be ready for this exam?
137
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,218
Yes, sir.
138
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,637
Well, you better be ready
139
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,139
because I was looking
over the books last night
140
00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:21,143
and you need a B on this test
just to pass this class.
141
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,480
Actually, I double-checked that,
professor. He needs a B plus.
142
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,692
- We won't be able to bend on this.
- Yeah. I got it.
143
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,820
- Just copy off someone.
- I can't.
144
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:35,658
It's all essays and stuff.
If I fail this class, my average is shot.
145
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,409
I might lose my financial aid.
146
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,495
I could not be allowed
back next semester.
147
00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:40,996
Well, you're fucked, then.
148
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:45,334
Come to my party, hook up with Beth
and enjoy your last week at college.
149
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:48,837
I'm not hooking up with anyone.
I made a commitment to Tiffany.
150
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,798
I'm invested in this relationship.
151
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,467
Invested?
Who are you, Charles Schwab?
152
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:54,843
Would you listen to yourself?
153
00:09:55,011 --> 00:10:00,516
I would give my life for one evening
of consensual sex with that girl.
154
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,496
Look, I've gone this long
without cheating. I think I can hold out.
155
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,020
You're already cheating.
156
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:07,856
Any time you pass up sex,
you're cheating on yourself.
157
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,109
Think about it, Josh. You're in college.
158
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,862
The window of opportunity to drink and
do drugs and take advantage of girls
159
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,614
is getting smaller by the day.
160
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,784
I got to make a call.
161
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:23,122
You pass this up, it'll haunt you
for the rest of your days.
162
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,374
Your dick will never forgive you.
163
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,961
What do you think, little man?
164
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,213
Don't you want
to experience something new?
165
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:34,550
It ain't easy being Josh's penis.
166
00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,678
We've been here over two months,
and I feel like I'm in a coma.
167
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,179
Stop it.
168
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:42,057
I wish I was your dick, E.L.,
because this is torture.
169
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:45,060
If something doesn't happen soon,
I'll pack up my balls and leave.
170
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:46,895
Enough.
171
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:48,689
Carla, hi. It's Josh.
172
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,858
I'm sorry to bother you again.
Is Tiffany around?
173
00:10:51,026 --> 00:10:53,068
Tiffany is not here.
174
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,155
She didn't sleep here last night again
175
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:59,033
and it would be great
if one hour went by
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00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:00,743
when you didn't call.
177
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,911
If she wanted to talk to you
178
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,747
she'd call you.
179
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,582
Deal with it.
180
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:12,504
- What a bitch!
- Does she sound hot?
181
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,188
We've never gone
this long without talking.
182
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,053
Something is wrong.
183
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:22,014
Yeah, she found someone else,
just like you should do.
184
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,682
The clock is ticking, my man.
185
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:27,269
Before you know it, you'll be 40
and having to pay for these kind of girls.
186
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,811
I should really warn you, it's been known
187
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:13,482
to affect your decision-making abilities
and lower your inhibitions.
188
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,568
Good, that's the plan.
189
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:19,822
It is. Yes, that is the plan.
190
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,949
- Did you bring some cash?
- Why?
191
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,493
- We've got chicks for sale.
- What?
192
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,831
Hey, now I'm snappy
Got my mojo track
193
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,000
Trust me. I've been going
to this school for seven years.
194
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:36,630
And I know the key
to a well-rounded college education
195
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,925
is experimentation.
196
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,844
Here, let me show you.
197
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:45,514
This is an auction. Now, remember.
198
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:48,183
You're not buying the girl.
199
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,685
You are buying her company.
200
00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,521
And in no way does a sale
constitute sexual relations.
201
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,357
I know. I know, believe me, I've tried.
202
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,359
So anyway, without further ado,
203
00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:02,364
let's introduce you
to our first person. Laura!
204
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,535
Laura's from Long Island.
Her favorite color is blue.
205
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,037
She likes the outdoors
and she loves good seafood.
206
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,409
Okay, let's start the opening bidding
at five dollars.
207
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,125
Three dollars and fifty cents.
208
00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:17,212
Good God, moneybags,
she's not a Happy Meal.
209
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,651
- Five dollars.
- Okay, we've got five.
210
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,550
- Do I hear ten?
- Ten bucks.
211
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:26,722
Who's got 15? Fifteen bucks
for a lovely evening with Laura.
212
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,307
Fifteen dollars.
213
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,059
Okay, we got 15.
Who can beat 15? Going once.
214
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,478
Going twice.
215
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,731
Sold to the captain.
216
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,403
There you are.
217
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:43,989
- What's going on?
- Oh, not much.
218
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,074
- You look great.
- Oh, thank you.
219
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,576
You're welcome.
220
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:51,580
Listen, Jacob's here,
and he's a total psycho.
221
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,916
Can you go outbid him?
222
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:57,753
You know what?
I didn't bring that much money with me.
223
00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,172
Oh, no. You don't understand.
He's obsessed with me.
224
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,260
See? It's fun, right?
225
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:11,058
Now, I want you two to kiss each other.
226
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,436
All right, has anyone seen Beth?
There she is.
227
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,190
Say hi, Beth.
228
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:24,226
Can I hear a $5 opening bid
for the beautiful Beth Wagner?
229
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,906
Five dollars right here.
230
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,155
- Who can beat five?
- Six.
231
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,570
- Seven.
- Seven, here we go.
232
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,952
Ten dollars.
233
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,912
Going once, going twice...
234
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,413
Fifteen dollars.
235
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:34,915
Twenty.
236
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,375
Twenty-five.
237
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,963
Who could beat 25?
Going once. Going twice...
238
00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,590
Twenty-six.
239
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,717
- Twenty-six going once.
- Thirty.
240
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:48,428
Okay, can anyone beat 26 dollars?
241
00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:50,097
I just said 30.
242
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,826
There must be someone
who can beat $26.
243
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:52,975
Me! Right here!
244
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:57,312
Sold, to my man Josh for $26.
245
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,321
You heard me. I bid $30 loud and clear.
246
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,615
- Your bid didn't count.
- Why?
247
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,659
- Because you're a TA.
- So?
248
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,661
So this auction is for students only.
249
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:14,329
Goodbye.
250
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,510
Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.
251
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,470
You owe me more than one.
252
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,805
Do I?
253
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:33,515
Technically.
254
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,101
Well,
255
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:38,854
are you ready to collect?
256
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,189
I think so.
257
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,030
We're touching.
258
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,700
It's a lot of fun.
259
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,288
We're having a good time.
260
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,649
Who's Tiffany Henderson?
261
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,818
It's just some girl I used to date
since I was, like, five.
262
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:30,989
But that's over now. She blew me off.
263
00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:33,075
Oh, poor baby.
264
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,662
You must be very hurt.
265
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,415
Do you need some special attention?
266
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,294
Well, I am pretty upset.
267
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,430
Did that help?
268
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,641
That helped a lot.
269
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,026
I have an idea.
270
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,240
What do you say?
271
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,701
I don't think so.
272
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,869
Come on. It'll be fun.
273
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,122
I've always wanted to try this.
274
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:21,540
No.
275
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,208
Yes.
276
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,711
I'm going to interview you.
277
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,174
Fine.
278
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:34,970
There you go.
279
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,478
What do you look for in a girl?
280
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,858
Well, let's see.
281
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,068
She should be smart
282
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,904
and funny and...
283
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,952
That's good, too.
284
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,539
Do you feel better yet?
285
00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:06,334
I feel a little bit better. Yeah, a little.
286
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,422
What else do you look for?
287
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:14,176
She should be attractive
288
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,429
and nice
289
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,269
and topless. And topless.
290
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,065
And she should kiss me.
291
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,451
What else?
292
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:44,998
She shouldn't stop kissing me.
Why don't you keep doing that?
293
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,848
Tiny salmon swimming in a stream
294
00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:09,481
Tiny salmon chasing
that impossible dream
295
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,902
The mynah bird says
296
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:21,159
The chimpanzee says
297
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:28,208
The friendly owl says
298
00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:35,173
But the salmon can only say
299
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,810
And it's sad
300
00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,108
Good morning, everyone
301
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:59,698
Good morning, everyone
How are you and you and you?
302
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,826
What are you so happy about?
303
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:06,371
I don't know.
Do I seem happy this morning?
304
00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:09,583
Well, you're bouncing around here
like you're Richard fucking Simmons.
305
00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:12,377
You do seem unusually
lighthearted today, Josh.
306
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,381
Maybe it's because I had the best time
of my life last night,
307
00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:19,551
twice and once this morning.
308
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,095
You and Beth?
309
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,723
Shut up. What happened?
310
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,392
No way. You're lying.
311
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:28,852
I'm not lying.
312
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:32,147
You can't make out with someone
then pretend that you had sex with them.
313
00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,566
That's really, really uncool.
314
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:36,234
- I'm not pretending.
- Forget it!
315
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:39,696
I know you're lying.
I guarantee he's lying.
316
00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,157
You want to bet?
317
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:44,937
Great. I'm going to bet money
on something you can't prove.
318
00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:55,295
You videotaped it.
319
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,757
No, I didn't. Give me that.
320
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:01,446
- No way. This is amazing.
- I was kidding. Give it back to me.
321
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,931
- Give me the tape.
- Come on, Josh.
322
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,849
We're all going to see it sooner or later.
323
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,101
He's got a point.
324
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,897
Oh, no. Oh, no!
325
00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:16,358
Give it to me. No, give it to me.
326
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,068
E.L., no.
327
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,987
Josh, please. We need this.
328
00:21:23,908 --> 00:21:26,952
Okay, listen. Seriously,
you can never tell anyone you saw this.
329
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:39,798
Hit the lights. It's boner time.
330
00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:54,521
Hey, Tif. It's me coming to you
live from Ithaca, New York.
331
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,483
- I thought I asked you to mail this.
- But I miss you.
332
00:21:58,693 --> 00:22:00,485
Yeah, you did. I mailed it this morning.
333
00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:03,154
Barry, fast-forward to the horny stuff.
334
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:08,702
I got a girl
335
00:22:08,911 --> 00:22:11,079
Is this the kind of shit
you've been sending Tiffany?
336
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,206
Named Tiffany
337
00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:15,583
That's you.
338
00:22:15,918 --> 00:22:17,585
Oh, fuck!
339
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,587
- What's wrong?
- Oh, God.
340
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,382
Oh, God, where is it?
341
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,387
Wait a second.
342
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,599
Tell me you mailed
the Beth tape to Tiffany.
343
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:36,521
- Yes!
- Shit!
344
00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,315
Oh, no. Oh, no.
345
00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:40,525
What?
346
00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:42,610
Did you make a copy?
347
00:22:44,113 --> 00:22:46,406
Because if you made a copy,
we could watch the copy.
348
00:22:47,992 --> 00:22:49,367
Don't answer it.
349
00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:54,414
It's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.
350
00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:57,500
Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.
351
00:22:57,710 --> 00:22:59,919
Sorry we haven't spoken.
352
00:23:00,129 --> 00:23:02,547
Listen, my grandfather passed away.
353
00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:06,551
I've tried calling you a few times
but no one picked up
354
00:23:06,761 --> 00:23:09,721
and I didn't want to leave
this message on your machine.
355
00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:14,017
But by now you're probably
a little worried, so...
356
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:17,103
Anyway, I'm at my parents' house
helping my mom out.
357
00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:19,064
She's really a wreck.
358
00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:20,482
If I don't speak with you,
359
00:23:20,566 --> 00:23:22,326
I'll call you Monday
when I'm back at school.
360
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:25,862
I'll be okay, I just need some time.
361
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:27,947
Bye. I love you.
362
00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:32,327
That's not fair.
363
00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:36,331
How come she gets to see the tape
and we don't?
364
00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,807
She gets back there Monday.
That leaves me three days to get there.
365
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:43,630
Get where? Austin?
366
00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:45,548
That's like 10,000 miles from here.
367
00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:46,883
Eighteen hundred.
368
00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:50,428
You want to drive 1,800 miles
in three days?
369
00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:51,679
Just fly.
370
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:53,932
Do you have money for a ticket? I don't.
371
00:23:54,892 --> 00:23:56,643
All right, so we're driving.
372
00:23:56,727 --> 00:23:58,436
You're coming?
373
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:01,272
What else am I going to do?
Stay here and learn?
374
00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:03,191
Road trip.
375
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,778
Just a minute.
376
00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:08,988
Hold on.
377
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:11,116
He's probably jacking off.
378
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:26,297
What do you guys want?
379
00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:28,007
Kyle, this is an emergency.
380
00:24:28,217 --> 00:24:30,426
Wait, let me at least go back
and call my dad.
381
00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:33,471
Call your dad?
382
00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:35,682
Would you listen to yourself?
383
00:24:35,766 --> 00:24:38,560
You're 19 years old
and you're a fucking sissy.
384
00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:40,436
All you ever do is sit in a library
385
00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:42,647
and play Myst
with those exchange students.
386
00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:44,107
It's pathetic.
387
00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:45,692
No. What he's trying to say is,
388
00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:48,319
this is your chance
to do something for once.
389
00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:49,571
Be a risk-taker.
390
00:24:50,573 --> 00:24:51,573
Come with us.
391
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:56,286
You guys are just saying that
because you want my car.
392
00:24:57,288 --> 00:25:00,498
No, we've always liked you.
393
00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:02,625
Or you can just give us the car, Kyle.
394
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:04,643
That would make him a risk-taker, right?
395
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,337
Shut up, all right?
396
00:25:06,422 --> 00:25:07,755
He's coming with us.
397
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,592
Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun.
398
00:25:12,469 --> 00:25:14,470
Aren't you even curious
where we're going?
399
00:25:16,891 --> 00:25:18,308
No.
400
00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,829
Okay, we're going to
the University of Austin.
401
00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:22,413
You sure you don't want to
come with us?
402
00:25:23,272 --> 00:25:24,939
I never really liked Massachusetts.
403
00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:27,817
Austin's in Texas, not Massachusetts.
404
00:25:27,902 --> 00:25:29,485
I think you're thinking of Boston.
405
00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:32,280
You've never left this town, have you?
406
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:33,781
No. Not really.
407
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:35,990
You should look into that.
408
00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:37,785
That could turn into
a debilitating phobia.
409
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:39,245
Yeah, okay, I'll do that.
410
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,042
Hey, can I feed Mitch?
411
00:25:44,126 --> 00:25:46,461
Actually, you can. But not till tomorrow.
412
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,505
There's a brown box full of mice
next to his cage.
413
00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:49,672
Give him one tomorrow.
414
00:25:49,757 --> 00:25:51,549
And no messing around, Barry, okay?
Just one.
415
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:53,153
Yeah, I'll feed him
a mouse tomorrow, okay?
416
00:25:53,177 --> 00:25:54,886
- Okay.
- Yeah. You can count on me.
417
00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:57,555
Okay? I'm reliable. Okay?
418
00:25:57,973 --> 00:25:58,973
You guys do good, okay?
419
00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:01,392
Have a good trip, safe trip,
safe journeys.
420
00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:02,769
Buckle up your seat belt.
421
00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,270
I'm going to feed the snake.
422
00:26:05,064 --> 00:26:06,504
I'm going to feed the snake for you.
423
00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:10,318
So off they went.
424
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:13,655
They had 1,800 miles to go
and only three days to do it.
425
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:15,990
It was a killer journey to say the least,
426
00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:18,660
and it was one
that changed them all forever.
427
00:26:19,495 --> 00:26:20,662
The end.
428
00:26:26,043 --> 00:26:27,752
So we'll look over here now...
429
00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,379
That's it? This story sucks.
430
00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:32,340
That can't be the whole story.
What happened with the tape?
431
00:26:32,883 --> 00:26:34,050
Right. The tape.
432
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:37,178
Well,
433
00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:40,139
like I said,
they were on a race against time.
434
00:27:02,538 --> 00:27:05,999
Since we didn't get to see the tape,
can you at least describe it to us?
435
00:27:06,417 --> 00:27:07,417
No.
436
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:22,307
At least admit that Beth is amazing.
437
00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:24,642
I admit it. She's amazing.
She's perfect, all right.
438
00:27:24,727 --> 00:27:25,977
There you go.
439
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:30,106
I don't know why you feel guilty.
Technically you haven't cheated.
440
00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:32,525
What are you talking about?
441
00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:35,820
Well, there are these rules
that guys have,
442
00:27:36,155 --> 00:27:39,240
an understanding as to
what exactly constitutes cheating.
443
00:27:40,034 --> 00:27:42,035
Take your situation, for example.
444
00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:45,330
It's not cheating.
445
00:27:45,414 --> 00:27:49,500
It's never cheating
when you're in a different area code.
446
00:27:50,044 --> 00:27:51,753
That makes no sense.
447
00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:54,505
Don't look at me, Kyle, okay?
I didn't make up the rules.
448
00:27:54,590 --> 00:27:57,342
No. This is legit.
I've actually read an article about this.
449
00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:59,719
There's a whole bunch of them.
They're like loopholes.
450
00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:01,906
Right? For argument's sake,
let's say that
451
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:05,224
you were sleeping with two girls
at the same time.
452
00:28:05,351 --> 00:28:08,436
It wouldn't be cheating because
they would cancel each other out.
453
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:10,480
Exactly.
454
00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:12,774
Or if you're too wasted to remember,
455
00:28:13,776 --> 00:28:15,068
it is not cheating.
456
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:19,655
Because if you can't really remember it,
it never really took place.
457
00:28:24,078 --> 00:28:25,787
Okay, I've got one. Are you ready?
458
00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:30,958
It's not cheating if you let your dog
lick peanut butter off your testicles.
459
00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:35,463
- Because it's your dog.
- Jesus Christ.
460
00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:39,550
- You know, because it's your dog.
- We got it.
461
00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:54,023
Somebody's going to die tomorrow.
462
00:29:02,074 --> 00:29:04,826
That's right.
One of you is marked for death.
463
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:08,704
And first thing tomorrow morning,
464
00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:12,708
a chosen one
will experience nature's wrath,
465
00:29:13,252 --> 00:29:14,836
in all its fury.
466
00:29:30,436 --> 00:29:31,853
Who are you?
467
00:29:31,979 --> 00:29:33,020
I'm Beth.
468
00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:35,148
Are you here for the feeding?
469
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,150
Excuse me?
470
00:29:37,234 --> 00:29:38,776
You're early.
471
00:29:38,861 --> 00:29:40,153
It's not till tomorrow.
472
00:29:41,029 --> 00:29:42,280
You should come back.
473
00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:45,575
It's going to be a bloodbath.
474
00:29:46,201 --> 00:29:47,994
I think I'll pass.
475
00:29:49,329 --> 00:29:50,746
Have you seen Josh?
476
00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:53,791
He went to visit his girlfriend.
477
00:29:54,668 --> 00:29:56,210
Tiffany?
478
00:29:57,087 --> 00:29:58,546
I thought they broke up.
479
00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:03,217
I mean, this girl, who's a friend of his.
You know what I mean.
480
00:30:06,889 --> 00:30:08,222
Where did he go?
481
00:30:09,892 --> 00:30:11,601
Austin.
482
00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:14,854
Austin, Massachusetts.
483
00:30:16,523 --> 00:30:18,816
You mean Boston, Massachusetts?
484
00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:20,985
Yeah. That's what I said.
485
00:30:21,361 --> 00:30:22,737
Boston.
486
00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:26,365
The University of Boston
in Massachusetts.
487
00:30:27,284 --> 00:30:29,202
He is such an asshole.
488
00:30:29,703 --> 00:30:32,413
I can't believe
he just lied to my face like that.
489
00:30:32,998 --> 00:30:35,041
I actually thought he liked me.
490
00:30:36,627 --> 00:30:37,668
How could he do that?
491
00:30:37,753 --> 00:30:39,962
Wait, she was standing around topless?
492
00:30:40,172 --> 00:30:41,756
Girls just don't stand around naked.
493
00:30:41,924 --> 00:30:43,466
Yeah, they do. Okay?
494
00:30:43,550 --> 00:30:46,427
This is my story, okay?
Do you want to hear it or not?
495
00:30:47,554 --> 00:30:48,971
It just doesn't make any...
496
00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:51,307
Please. No interruptions. Okay?
497
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,604
So this other girl walks up,
totally hot. Okay?
498
00:30:56,772 --> 00:30:58,439
Naked. Really naked.
499
00:31:01,485 --> 00:31:03,903
I know guys can be jerks.
500
00:31:04,446 --> 00:31:06,781
I guess I just thought Josh was different.
501
00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,032
I liked him.
502
00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:09,742
Sweetie, listen to me, okay?
503
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:10,993
They're all the same.
504
00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:13,287
All men are perverted pigs.
505
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:17,041
All they think about,
all they really care about, is sex.
506
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:18,125
Tits and ass.
507
00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:20,628
You're so right.
I feel so used.
508
00:31:21,171 --> 00:31:23,214
Honey, face it.
We are all used!
509
00:31:23,298 --> 00:31:25,299
In most men's eyes
we are just flesh!
510
00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:26,801
Sick!
511
00:31:27,386 --> 00:31:30,763
It is sick. Think about it, okay?
If they had it their way...
512
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:34,786
Oh, God, I don't even wanna know what
would happen if they had it their way.
513
00:31:34,810 --> 00:31:36,727
Do you know what I mean?
514
00:31:37,688 --> 00:31:39,897
But what am I supposed to do now...
I mean, he's gone...
515
00:31:40,148 --> 00:31:42,233
You should go to Boston
and bust his ass.
516
00:31:42,359 --> 00:31:44,652
Confront him and his little girlfriend.
517
00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:46,404
Face to face... You totally should.
518
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:49,699
Okay... Show her what an asshole
Josh is.
519
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:08,676
These too.
520
00:32:12,389 --> 00:32:13,806
Kyle, come here for a second.
521
00:32:14,808 --> 00:32:16,642
We're a little short on cash right now.
522
00:32:16,810 --> 00:32:18,894
We need to put this on your credit card.
523
00:32:20,022 --> 00:32:21,582
We'll give you the cash
when we get back.
524
00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:23,274
I promise.
525
00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:29,739
I can't. It's my dad's.
It's for emergencies only.
526
00:32:30,657 --> 00:32:34,910
Hello. This is an emergency.
We need this stuff.
527
00:32:35,162 --> 00:32:36,996
You want us to sleep in the dirt?
528
00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:53,137
I'd say we're officially in no-man's-land.
529
00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:54,972
We've been on this road
for over an hour.
530
00:32:55,057 --> 00:32:59,185
This will save us five hours minimum.
You can thank me later.
531
00:32:59,603 --> 00:33:01,979
Maybe we should turn around
and go back to the interstate.
532
00:33:02,064 --> 00:33:05,191
- We're not going back.
- We're not going back. Have some faith.
533
00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:08,129
It's supposed to be a challenge.
That's why they call it a shortcut.
534
00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:10,363
If it was easy, it would just be the way.
535
00:33:13,617 --> 00:33:15,034
Damn it!
536
00:33:15,202 --> 00:33:16,369
Fuck!
537
00:33:17,204 --> 00:33:19,914
I give us about 20 minutes
before our first ass-raping.
538
00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:21,040
What now?
539
00:33:21,124 --> 00:33:23,751
If we turn around
we'll lose five hours just backtracking.
540
00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:26,712
Turn around? Why? Because of this?
541
00:33:28,215 --> 00:33:29,548
We can make it.
542
00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:32,968
Make it? You mean jump it?
543
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:36,764
Absolutely not. No way.
We're going back.
544
00:33:36,932 --> 00:33:38,766
It can be done.
545
00:33:40,936 --> 00:33:42,776
This incline here
is 30 degrees roughly, right?
546
00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:45,022
The factory weight of the car
is 1,600 pounds.
547
00:33:45,107 --> 00:33:48,275
Add our weight plus cargo,
we're talking 2, 100 hundred pounds.
548
00:33:48,902 --> 00:33:50,736
If we hit this thing at 50 miles per hour,
549
00:33:50,821 --> 00:33:53,781
our trajectory will clear 10 feet. Easy.
550
00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:55,658
No way. Absolutely not.
551
00:33:56,576 --> 00:33:58,119
We'll go 60 just to be certain.
552
00:33:58,453 --> 00:33:59,870
We're going back.
553
00:33:59,955 --> 00:34:01,455
This is impossible.
554
00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:02,873
Are you sure?
555
00:34:02,916 --> 00:34:05,459
Of course I'm sure.
With physics I'm always sure.
556
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,921
I'm driving.
557
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:10,506
I don't think you guys heard me.
558
00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:13,759
This is my car and we're not going
to be jumping over any rivers.
559
00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,096
It's 10 feet.
560
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:18,931
Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart.
561
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:20,891
Look, I can spit across this gap.
562
00:34:34,698 --> 00:34:36,407
Well,
563
00:34:37,117 --> 00:34:38,325
better make it 75.
564
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:41,662
- Let's do it.
- Trust me, Kyle. It's science.
565
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:42,955
No, you guys.
566
00:34:44,291 --> 00:34:45,541
E.L., get out of my car.
567
00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:47,668
Kyle, in the car. Come on.
568
00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:02,224
We're okay.
569
00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:10,733
You know we need to hit 60, right?
570
00:35:10,817 --> 00:35:13,319
- I'm trying. This car sucks.
- Stop!
571
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,669
Thank you! Yes!
572
00:35:32,547 --> 00:35:33,839
What did I tell you?
573
00:35:50,065 --> 00:35:56,153
Oh, my God.
574
00:35:58,073 --> 00:36:02,201
My father is going to kill me
when he finds out about this.
575
00:36:02,494 --> 00:36:04,453
I only said we'd make it across.
576
00:36:05,622 --> 00:36:07,582
I never said anything
about the wheels staying on.
577
00:36:07,832 --> 00:36:09,875
What the hell are we going to do now?
578
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:11,877
I'm totally screwed!
579
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:16,799
I don't have time to be walking
through the woods right now!
580
00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:20,219
We're going to call a tow truck.
We'll have the axles fixed.
581
00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:21,971
We'll probably lose half a day at most.
582
00:36:22,055 --> 00:36:24,223
It'll be fine. It's just the wheels.
583
00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:46,495
The minute I think I feel something
for someone,
584
00:36:46,580 --> 00:36:48,789
they just turn around
and screw me over.
585
00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,124
Thank you.
586
00:36:52,002 --> 00:36:55,004
Something about Josh.
He's just different.
587
00:36:55,088 --> 00:36:57,423
I mean, I feel like we had a connection.
588
00:36:58,091 --> 00:37:00,134
I don't think I'll ever be able
to trust a guy.
589
00:37:00,302 --> 00:37:01,468
You shouldn't.
590
00:37:01,553 --> 00:37:05,472
Honey, the last time I trusted a man
was back in 1985,
591
00:37:05,557 --> 00:37:07,933
and he took off with my sister
and my van.
592
00:37:08,101 --> 00:37:09,476
A regular size van.
593
00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:12,187
That was before they started making
that minivan crap.
594
00:37:14,941 --> 00:37:16,775
So there's no hope, huh?
595
00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:20,195
Oh, there's hope,
but it comes with batteries.
596
00:37:27,412 --> 00:37:29,246
You can keep that.
597
00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:31,165
Oh, God.
598
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:32,374
Oh, crap.
599
00:37:33,835 --> 00:37:35,252
Listen, guys.
600
00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:37,880
We're going to have to be more careful.
601
00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:40,716
We almost died in that explosion.
602
00:37:40,925 --> 00:37:42,176
I wish I'd died.
603
00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:45,429
I'm serious. I can't die young.
604
00:37:46,222 --> 00:37:49,308
Something tells me the people of Earth
are going to need me.
605
00:37:51,311 --> 00:37:52,978
I must live.
606
00:37:54,648 --> 00:37:57,733
Yeah, right. We all must live.
607
00:37:58,151 --> 00:38:00,751
Before we do that, we must figure out
how to get back on the road.
608
00:38:01,821 --> 00:38:03,781
We shouldn't be going to sleep
right now.
609
00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:12,873
And let's just lay in the indication
here and there
610
00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:15,459
of some little shadow areas.
611
00:38:15,669 --> 00:38:17,795
But you don't want
a whole bunch of color there,
612
00:38:17,921 --> 00:38:21,548
just where you think
you'll be happy with shadow.
613
00:38:22,008 --> 00:38:23,133
There.
614
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,845
Maybe right here.
615
00:38:29,182 --> 00:38:30,724
Excuse me.
616
00:38:34,187 --> 00:38:36,146
I'm sorry, do you need to get that?
617
00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:38,357
Do you need something?
618
00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:40,901
Yeah.
619
00:38:41,069 --> 00:38:42,528
This is sort of an unusual question,
620
00:38:42,612 --> 00:38:46,198
but do you have any marijuana
I could buy from you?
621
00:38:46,616 --> 00:38:49,743
Our car exploded last night
and I'm practically all out of my own.
622
00:38:50,036 --> 00:38:51,453
Am I a drug dealer?
623
00:38:52,372 --> 00:38:55,874
No. I am not.
Thank you for asking, though.
624
00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:59,795
No? Okay, that's okay. Thanks.
625
00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:02,506
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
626
00:39:02,632 --> 00:39:05,426
Perhaps you'd like
an 11 -year-old prostitute.
627
00:39:05,510 --> 00:39:06,593
We can do that.
628
00:39:07,554 --> 00:39:10,931
Or maybe we can off someone for you.
How's that sound?
629
00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:12,474
I've got it.
630
00:39:12,559 --> 00:39:13,976
Why don't we start small.
631
00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:16,103
Would you like a fresh towel?
632
00:39:16,938 --> 00:39:18,897
Maybe you could roll that up
and smoke it.
633
00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:21,984
Dick.
634
00:39:22,527 --> 00:39:24,153
By the way, Cheech.
635
00:39:24,279 --> 00:39:27,906
That credit card you guys gave me
last night was maxed out,
636
00:39:27,991 --> 00:39:32,745
so don't go spending all your cash
on needles and guns just yet.
637
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:44,673
Mr. Earl Edwards? I'm sorry, sir.
This card's over its limit.
638
00:39:46,009 --> 00:39:48,385
Well, that's not true. You just run along
639
00:39:48,470 --> 00:39:50,197
and put it through
your little machine again.
640
00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:53,159
I ran it through three times, sir.
It keeps telling me you're over your limit.
641
00:39:53,183 --> 00:39:54,850
You have another card, I'd be happy...
642
00:39:54,934 --> 00:39:57,269
Don't give me any attitude, son.
643
00:39:58,146 --> 00:40:00,022
Now you go fix that little toy back there,
644
00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:02,649
and you charge this frigging meal
to that frigging card.
645
00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:05,068
We've been coming here for 20 years!
646
00:40:05,278 --> 00:40:06,945
We've only been open eight years, sir.
647
00:40:08,072 --> 00:40:09,239
Do it now.
648
00:40:10,742 --> 00:40:13,076
Relax. It's not a big deal.
649
00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:15,704
You don't seem to understand me.
650
00:40:15,789 --> 00:40:19,124
When Josh finds out about this,
he's going to freak.
651
00:40:19,209 --> 00:40:21,877
You can't rent a car
without a credit card. You just can't.
652
00:40:21,961 --> 00:40:24,671
So what are we going to do?
653
00:40:27,008 --> 00:40:29,176
Tell you what. Stay here.
654
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:31,220
Take him out for breakfast
or something.
655
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:33,806
I'll go take care of this.
656
00:40:36,309 --> 00:40:39,186
Earl, Cookie, we have a situation.
657
00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:40,604
Brace yourselves.
658
00:40:40,814 --> 00:40:45,359
The police have found Kyle's car
abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania.
659
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:49,154
It's been blown to bits.
We checked with the university,
660
00:40:49,364 --> 00:40:50,823
and he's missing.
661
00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:54,660
Mother of God.
662
00:41:06,339 --> 00:41:07,881
Good morning.
663
00:41:12,095 --> 00:41:13,846
Hi, how can I help you?
664
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:21,019
I was sent over here
to check out bus 111
665
00:41:21,104 --> 00:41:24,314
and I'm afraid I have some bad news.
666
00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:26,859
You seem to be having problems
with the...
667
00:41:27,527 --> 00:41:29,069
Rotator splint.
668
00:41:29,237 --> 00:41:31,280
Engines have Rotator splints?
669
00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:33,073
Yeah.
670
00:41:33,241 --> 00:41:36,076
She runs good now, but not for long.
671
00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:39,538
I can have it back to you
as good as new in less than a week.
672
00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:42,207
Let's see.
673
00:41:44,127 --> 00:41:47,796
Jared's still in Aliquippa.
I take it he called you from there.
674
00:41:50,425 --> 00:41:53,427
Five days.
Well, I think we can work that out.
675
00:41:54,721 --> 00:41:56,041
Could you please not feed my dog?
676
00:41:59,309 --> 00:42:00,893
- I didn't.
- You did so.
677
00:42:01,811 --> 00:42:03,854
You can't feed Seeing Eye dogs
treats like that.
678
00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:07,566
They're specially trained.
So please leave him alone.
679
00:42:07,734 --> 00:42:09,067
Don't roll your eyes at me.
680
00:42:26,002 --> 00:42:27,336
French toast.
681
00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:30,589
Bacon. Good for you.
682
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,174
And the scrambled eggs.
683
00:42:32,926 --> 00:42:34,384
Excuse me.
684
00:42:34,469 --> 00:42:36,803
This has powdered sugar on it,
and I ordered no sugar.
685
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:39,723
I really can't have too much sugar
in the morning.
686
00:42:39,933 --> 00:42:41,391
Oh, I'm sorry. Look at that.
687
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:44,603
You're absolutely right. I'll tell you what.
688
00:42:44,771 --> 00:42:47,439
Let me take this back
and bring you out a new piece.
689
00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:49,107
Okay, everybody good?
690
00:42:49,442 --> 00:42:50,776
Okay, great.
691
00:42:51,736 --> 00:42:54,738
Where are my books and possessions?
Because I can't...
692
00:42:55,031 --> 00:42:57,741
Wait, they were in the car that blew up.
That's right.
693
00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,826
That's hilarious.
694
00:43:22,392 --> 00:43:25,143
- Let me warm that up for you.
- Thank you.
695
00:43:25,478 --> 00:43:27,479
- All right. There you go.
- Thanks, man.
696
00:43:29,065 --> 00:43:30,399
Excuse me.
697
00:43:31,818 --> 00:43:34,088
- Your French toast'll be up in a minute.
- Okay, thank you.
698
00:43:34,112 --> 00:43:35,529
Okay, great.
699
00:43:54,549 --> 00:43:56,842
French toast, no sugar. All right?
700
00:43:56,926 --> 00:43:58,927
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, no problem. Thank you.
701
00:43:59,012 --> 00:44:00,292
- Oh, no problem.
- Thanks a lot.
702
00:44:02,432 --> 00:44:03,849
That's a nice guy.
703
00:44:13,693 --> 00:44:15,027
It's good.
704
00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:32,377
I don't even want to know
how you got this.
705
00:44:32,545 --> 00:44:34,546
I stole it from a blind chick.
706
00:44:34,714 --> 00:44:37,257
- I said I didn't want to know.
- What?
707
00:44:37,341 --> 00:44:40,510
I'm going to give it back. Probably.
708
00:45:25,181 --> 00:45:29,101
Can we please stop soon?
I need to use the bathroom.
709
00:45:29,602 --> 00:45:31,812
You know,
actually, I don't have to go yet,
710
00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:34,272
so we'll stop in a couple hours.
711
00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:40,195
I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.
712
00:45:40,530 --> 00:45:43,323
Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself
every once in a while.
713
00:45:43,533 --> 00:45:45,450
Be a little more assertive.
714
00:45:46,619 --> 00:45:49,287
What's your deal, anyways?
Why are you so worried all the time?
715
00:45:49,956 --> 00:45:51,331
I don't know.
716
00:45:52,125 --> 00:45:56,169
I guess it's my dad. He's like, strict.
717
00:45:56,504 --> 00:46:00,549
He really is going to kill me
when he finds out about that car.
718
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:04,511
So you screwed up. Big deal, man.
People make mistakes.
719
00:46:04,804 --> 00:46:09,182
He'll get over it.
Besides, that car sucked, anyways.
720
00:46:12,311 --> 00:46:14,646
I really do need to go to the bathroom.
721
00:46:15,231 --> 00:46:17,691
- We're making a pit stop.
- Again?
722
00:46:19,986 --> 00:46:22,487
You're about to experience firsthand
723
00:46:22,697 --> 00:46:25,657
exactly what it means
to be in the lower region
724
00:46:25,825 --> 00:46:27,868
of nature's food chain.
725
00:46:28,828 --> 00:46:31,663
Mitch is going to bite into you.
726
00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:34,332
He's going to squeeze.
727
00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:39,129
He'll actually start digesting you
while you're still alive.
728
00:46:40,006 --> 00:46:42,007
But don't be scared.
729
00:46:45,386 --> 00:46:47,220
It'll be a quick death.
730
00:46:50,308 --> 00:46:51,808
Be brave.
731
00:46:52,518 --> 00:46:54,352
You'll barely feel it.
732
00:46:56,606 --> 00:46:57,689
Come on.
733
00:47:00,359 --> 00:47:02,485
Come on. You going to fucking eat him?
734
00:47:15,208 --> 00:47:16,541
Wait up a second.
735
00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:20,587
This is supposed to be a road trip.
736
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:24,132
All we're doing is driving the whole time.
737
00:47:24,217 --> 00:47:25,217
It's ridiculous.
738
00:47:25,301 --> 00:47:26,551
No one forced you to come.
739
00:47:27,303 --> 00:47:29,262
We're making great time here.
740
00:47:29,472 --> 00:47:30,805
If Tiffany sees the tape
741
00:47:30,890 --> 00:47:32,810
it'd be the best thing
that ever happened to you.
742
00:47:33,768 --> 00:47:34,976
What is that supposed to mean?
743
00:47:35,394 --> 00:47:36,728
Beth is like an angel.
744
00:47:37,230 --> 00:47:39,439
She's here to help you change your life.
745
00:47:39,523 --> 00:47:41,816
Besides, did Tiffany
ever let you videotape her?
746
00:47:43,319 --> 00:47:45,070
I think not.
747
00:47:45,488 --> 00:47:47,405
It's a sign, Josh.
748
00:47:51,244 --> 00:47:53,245
- Hello.
- Professor Anderson?
749
00:47:53,412 --> 00:47:54,454
Who's calling?
750
00:47:54,538 --> 00:47:56,206
Hi, professor. It's Josh Parker.
751
00:47:59,794 --> 00:48:02,963
Yeah, hello, Josh.
What can I do for you?
752
00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:06,007
Well, I was in a car accident, sir.
753
00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:08,551
- Oh, my God.
- No, I'm okay.
754
00:48:08,636 --> 00:48:10,553
I'm in kind of a bind.
755
00:48:10,638 --> 00:48:12,597
See, all my notes and books
were destroyed.
756
00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:15,850
So I was wondering if it was possible
to get a little extension.
757
00:48:15,935 --> 00:48:18,853
Maybe take the midterm
a couple days later?
758
00:48:19,105 --> 00:48:22,732
Sure. Yes, it sounds like an emergency.
759
00:48:22,817 --> 00:48:24,609
How about an extra three days?
760
00:48:25,027 --> 00:48:26,861
How would that sound?
Would that work?
761
00:48:27,029 --> 00:48:30,615
Yeah, that would be fantastic.
Are you sure?
762
00:48:30,866 --> 00:48:32,701
I'm just glad you're not hurt.
763
00:48:32,785 --> 00:48:35,078
See, I'm marking it down right now.
764
00:48:35,288 --> 00:48:37,998
It's great, Professor. See you soon.
765
00:48:38,291 --> 00:48:40,041
Okay. Goodbye.
766
00:48:41,794 --> 00:48:42,794
Who was that?
767
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:46,756
Oh, that was Josh Parker.
768
00:48:47,383 --> 00:48:48,591
What did he want?
769
00:48:48,718 --> 00:48:52,095
He was just calling
to confirm the date of the exam.
770
00:48:52,179 --> 00:48:53,638
Such a worrier.
771
00:49:08,779 --> 00:49:11,781
It's going to be okay. I'll find him.
772
00:49:11,949 --> 00:49:14,576
And we'll find whoever did this,
I promise.
773
00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:15,952
It's going to be okay.
774
00:49:16,162 --> 00:49:17,829
If I had to guess,
775
00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:21,249
I'd say somebody was raped
and murdered here last night.
776
00:49:21,334 --> 00:49:23,460
What the hell gives you that idea?
777
00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:26,338
I don't know. It's just a feeling.
778
00:49:30,051 --> 00:49:32,761
- Well?
- Nothing yet.
779
00:49:33,012 --> 00:49:36,890
Good thing is,
there's no evidence of a struggle.
780
00:49:37,183 --> 00:49:40,018
No blood or clothing, anything like that.
781
00:49:40,186 --> 00:49:42,604
And we haven't found
a single drop of semen yet.
782
00:50:02,875 --> 00:50:07,754
Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home,
although she doesn't know I'm coming.
783
00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:10,131
- It's a surprise.
- Oh, how nice.
784
00:50:10,383 --> 00:50:12,092
How can I help you?
785
00:50:12,385 --> 00:50:14,905
Well, I've never been here before.
I don't know where she lives.
786
00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:18,223
What's her name?
I can look it up in the student directory.
787
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:19,724
Tiffany Henderson.
788
00:50:26,941 --> 00:50:28,441
Do I know you?
789
00:50:30,236 --> 00:50:33,446
No, you don't.
Actually, I know your boyfriend.
790
00:50:33,656 --> 00:50:35,949
Okay. Who are you?
791
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,450
I'm Beth.
792
00:50:38,327 --> 00:50:40,995
Could we just sit down for a minute?
793
00:50:41,622 --> 00:50:42,956
Okay.
794
00:50:53,426 --> 00:50:55,593
This is really hard for me,
795
00:50:55,928 --> 00:50:57,804
but it's definitely something
you should hear.
796
00:51:01,308 --> 00:51:03,435
Your boyfriend's cheating on you,
797
00:51:03,936 --> 00:51:04,936
with me.
798
00:51:06,147 --> 00:51:08,356
We were together Thursday night,
799
00:51:09,442 --> 00:51:10,942
twice,
800
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:13,403
and once again Friday morning.
801
00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:16,114
I thought you should know.
802
00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:34,340
Tiffany, what the hell are you doing?
803
00:51:36,719 --> 00:51:37,969
Who's that guy?
804
00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:39,554
That's her boyfriend.
805
00:51:41,015 --> 00:51:42,849
That's her boyfriend?
806
00:51:43,976 --> 00:51:45,477
He's been cheating on her.
807
00:52:22,181 --> 00:52:24,307
I'm sorry, but
808
00:52:24,517 --> 00:52:28,770
you have the most beautiful feet.
809
00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:33,066
Would you like a foot massage?
810
00:52:33,651 --> 00:52:36,778
No, I would not like a foot massage.
811
00:52:36,987 --> 00:52:39,864
As a matter of fact,
I would hate a foot massage.
812
00:52:39,949 --> 00:52:41,824
Okay, I'm sorry. Relax.
813
00:52:42,034 --> 00:52:46,746
Are there any guys out there
who are just normal?
814
00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:51,376
Unleash the fury, Mitch.
815
00:52:52,836 --> 00:52:54,754
Unleash the fury.
816
00:52:58,551 --> 00:53:00,218
Come on, Mitch.
817
00:53:01,512 --> 00:53:02,762
Eat him.
818
00:53:04,348 --> 00:53:08,726
Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy.
He's right there.
819
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:10,645
Kill him.
820
00:53:11,230 --> 00:53:12,647
Maim him.
821
00:53:13,107 --> 00:53:14,232
Bite him.
822
00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:18,027
Unleash the fury!
823
00:53:27,955 --> 00:53:29,539
Wow, this is cool.
824
00:53:29,623 --> 00:53:31,958
I've never been
in a fraternity house before.
825
00:53:34,378 --> 00:53:35,795
Is this going to work?
826
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,715
Of course it's going to work.
I know the handshake and everything.
827
00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:45,096
Hi. Can I help you?
828
00:53:45,598 --> 00:53:47,348
Yeah. I'm Rubin Carver.
829
00:53:47,433 --> 00:53:50,101
I'm a Xi Chi brother
from the Ithaca University chapter.
830
00:53:50,853 --> 00:53:54,188
My friends and I were passing through,
looking for a place to party,
831
00:53:54,607 --> 00:53:56,441
maybe even a place to crash.
832
00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:09,954
- Xi.
- Chi.
833
00:54:35,898 --> 00:54:37,565
Everyone,
834
00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:39,484
this is Rubin.
835
00:54:39,568 --> 00:54:42,528
Apparently,
Rubin is our fraternity brother
836
00:54:42,613 --> 00:54:44,739
from our Ithaca chapter.
837
00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:47,325
These are his friends.
838
00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:53,081
Listen, apparently we've interrupted
your dinner, so we're just going to...
839
00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:55,458
Hey, don't be crazy.
840
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:57,877
Listen, there's plenty of food
to go around, all right?
841
00:54:57,961 --> 00:55:00,171
You guys are more than welcome
to stay.
842
00:55:17,606 --> 00:55:19,691
You know,
this food's actually pretty good.
843
00:55:23,028 --> 00:55:27,156
Hey, you do realize this is
a national black fraternity?
844
00:55:28,367 --> 00:55:30,368
They know you're not a member.
845
00:55:31,537 --> 00:55:34,580
I'm sorry.
I don't think about that kind of stuff.
846
00:55:35,124 --> 00:55:38,543
Okay, relax. Okay?
They're just messing with us.
847
00:55:38,627 --> 00:55:40,378
No way. They're pissed because he lied.
848
00:55:40,629 --> 00:55:42,380
I say we get the hell out of here.
849
00:55:42,548 --> 00:55:43,548
Just relax.
850
00:55:43,632 --> 00:55:45,466
Someone's got some
serious explaining to do.
851
00:55:45,551 --> 00:55:47,487
Yeah. Look what we found
in this guy's duffle bag.
852
00:55:47,511 --> 00:55:49,721
What? What is that?
853
00:55:50,055 --> 00:55:52,390
No, I've never seen that before
in my life.
854
00:55:52,641 --> 00:55:55,727
What are you guys doing here?
Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?
855
00:55:56,145 --> 00:55:57,395
That is not ours.
856
00:55:57,479 --> 00:55:58,813
That is not mine.
857
00:56:00,733 --> 00:56:02,525
There's obviously
some explanation for this.
858
00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:06,070
Yeah, there is.
You see, your boy here's an evil bigot,
859
00:56:06,155 --> 00:56:07,947
and now he's going to die.
860
00:56:08,031 --> 00:56:09,282
Justice.
861
00:56:23,589 --> 00:56:25,789
There you are.
I thought we lost you there for a minute.
862
00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:29,093
Am I in the hospital?
863
00:56:29,344 --> 00:56:30,511
You passed out.
864
00:56:30,596 --> 00:56:33,514
They were messing with us, Kyle.
It was a joke.
865
00:56:35,934 --> 00:56:37,602
Racist?
866
00:56:37,686 --> 00:56:40,438
But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.
867
00:56:40,606 --> 00:56:43,941
It was a joke, outtie. A joke.
868
00:56:44,443 --> 00:56:48,362
Yeah, I get it.
Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag.
869
00:56:50,032 --> 00:56:51,866
That's funny.
870
00:56:54,036 --> 00:56:56,704
- I need a wine cooler.
- Hey, have mine.
871
00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:10,194
Isn't he just the cutest little thing?
872
00:58:10,362 --> 00:58:13,072
Oh, yeah. Kyle's the man.
873
00:58:22,624 --> 00:58:26,043
You mean never? Not even once?
874
00:58:27,379 --> 00:58:31,883
Well, I mean, I've had sex before,
875
00:58:32,217 --> 00:58:35,344
just never with a person.
876
00:58:36,722 --> 00:58:38,306
Right.
877
00:58:40,225 --> 00:58:43,227
Well, I think that's kind of cool.
878
00:58:43,896 --> 00:58:44,896
You do?
879
00:58:45,731 --> 00:58:48,566
Yeah. I mean, you should hold out.
880
00:58:48,817 --> 00:58:50,776
It should be special.
881
00:58:54,781 --> 00:58:56,490
Wait till you're in love.
882
00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:02,914
I think I love you.
883
00:59:03,749 --> 00:59:05,750
You are so cute.
884
00:59:31,693 --> 00:59:34,278
I take it you don't have a condom.
885
00:59:37,282 --> 00:59:40,952
No. I guess I'm all out.
886
00:59:41,954 --> 00:59:46,874
Well, Lawrence probably has some.
Why don't you try that drawer.
887
00:59:51,213 --> 00:59:54,048
Next to the Old Spice, behind the belts.
888
00:59:59,221 --> 01:00:00,805
Good guess.
889
01:00:10,649 --> 01:00:12,066
You know what?
890
01:00:13,235 --> 01:00:15,653
I don't exactly know what I'm...
891
01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:17,571
What I'm doing and...
892
01:00:17,990 --> 01:00:19,156
I'm...
893
01:00:21,493 --> 01:00:25,246
Relax, baby. Let Rhonda handle this.
894
01:00:45,684 --> 01:00:49,687
Thanks, I had a great time.
Take care. Stay cool.
895
01:00:58,113 --> 01:00:59,363
What's up?
896
01:01:14,880 --> 01:01:18,966
Let's go, Kyle. We want details.
What happened?
897
01:01:20,719 --> 01:01:25,681
Well, we had a few drinks,
danced a little and you know.
898
01:01:25,766 --> 01:01:28,726
No, we don't know. Tell us.
899
01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:34,148
What the hell is that?
900
01:01:34,816 --> 01:01:36,400
Did you kill a cheetah?
901
01:01:37,027 --> 01:01:41,489
What? No, these are her underwear.
She gave them to me.
902
01:01:45,410 --> 01:01:46,744
I boinked her.
903
01:01:47,746 --> 01:01:48,746
Boinked?
904
01:01:48,789 --> 01:01:51,457
Yeah, wait.
Did you just say the word "boinked"?
905
01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:57,129
Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got
all the boinking out of your system,
906
01:01:57,214 --> 01:01:59,632
'cause we got
a lot of driving to do today, guys.
907
01:02:00,759 --> 01:02:03,469
Do not get your hopes up
about visiting Graceland,
908
01:02:03,678 --> 01:02:06,847
because right now
we are all about the mission at hand.
909
01:02:09,684 --> 01:02:10,935
What?
910
01:02:11,186 --> 01:02:13,664
That sounds like a really good plan
except for one little thing.
911
01:02:13,688 --> 01:02:15,356
What little thing?
912
01:02:16,108 --> 01:02:17,483
We're out of money.
913
01:02:17,859 --> 01:02:21,695
Before I have you fill out these forms
I need to ask you a few questions,
914
01:02:21,780 --> 01:02:24,698
and then if you qualify,
you can make a sperm deposit.
915
01:02:24,825 --> 01:02:25,825
Is that understood?
916
01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:27,868
Fire away.
917
01:02:28,620 --> 01:02:30,663
Now, be honest,
because if you don't tell the truth,
918
01:02:30,747 --> 01:02:32,873
the test will and you won't get paid.
919
01:02:33,375 --> 01:02:37,628
So first off, have any of you done
any drugs in the past 36 hours?
920
01:02:37,796 --> 01:02:39,463
And that includes marijuana.
921
01:02:44,803 --> 01:02:46,137
Next.
922
01:02:46,304 --> 01:02:50,808
Have any of you had sex
or masturbated in the past 24 hours?
923
01:02:52,060 --> 01:02:56,814
Well, I guess I'm out,
because I had sex last night,
924
01:02:56,982 --> 01:02:58,524
with a girl.
925
01:03:00,652 --> 01:03:01,902
That's nice.
926
01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:05,531
I think you'll find everything you need
right here in these binders.
927
01:03:06,825 --> 01:03:08,492
Why don't you each take a cup.
928
01:03:09,411 --> 01:03:10,744
And here's yours.
929
01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:15,166
I'd appreciate it if you'd return those
to the front desk after you're finished.
930
01:03:15,417 --> 01:03:17,251
Okay, thanks.
931
01:03:17,752 --> 01:03:19,003
Cheers.
932
01:03:22,174 --> 01:03:23,507
Excuse me.
933
01:03:24,259 --> 01:03:26,343
Do you have anything
with Asian women?
934
01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:30,347
I have this thing for Asian chicks, and
there seem to be none in this binder.
935
01:03:30,515 --> 01:03:32,558
Sorry, this isn't Peep World.
936
01:03:32,642 --> 01:03:35,186
Our selection's rather limited.
You're going to have to make do.
937
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:39,106
Okay, no problem.
You've been more than helpful.
938
01:03:45,447 --> 01:03:47,448
Is something wrong?
939
01:03:47,949 --> 01:03:49,283
Well, no.
940
01:03:50,118 --> 01:03:53,120
But I just, I couldn't help but notice that.
941
01:03:53,371 --> 01:03:55,247
Is there something between us?
942
01:03:55,457 --> 01:03:59,043
I mean, I was thinking that
maybe you might want to
943
01:03:59,211 --> 01:04:01,879
help me out with a little
944
01:04:03,215 --> 01:04:05,716
professional assistance.
945
01:04:06,885 --> 01:04:08,802
Do you need some help?
946
01:04:10,055 --> 01:04:11,972
Yes, I do.
947
01:04:20,565 --> 01:04:24,485
The moment I saw you out there,
I thought you were incredible.
948
01:04:25,403 --> 01:04:27,821
I mean, you're not like
most of the girls I know.
949
01:04:28,073 --> 01:04:30,449
- You're a real woman.
- That's fine.
950
01:04:30,659 --> 01:04:31,928
Could you turn around
and drop your pants,
951
01:04:31,952 --> 01:04:33,953
put both hands flat on the table?
952
01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,789
Oh, my God.
953
01:04:36,998 --> 01:04:40,167
- This is great. Like this?
- Exactly.
954
01:04:43,421 --> 01:04:46,924
I have to admit,
I love you in that uniform.
955
01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:50,678
Do those nylons go all the way up
or are they like those thigh-high kind?
956
01:04:51,179 --> 01:04:54,848
I'm going to perform a procedure
on you called milking the prostate.
957
01:04:55,100 --> 01:04:57,142
It's an anally induced ejaculation.
958
01:04:57,936 --> 01:04:59,103
Anal?
959
01:04:59,938 --> 01:05:02,481
You'll feel strong pressure
on the prostate gland
960
01:05:02,565 --> 01:05:03,899
from inside your rectum.
961
01:05:05,777 --> 01:05:06,944
Oh, come on, now.
962
01:05:07,612 --> 01:05:10,114
You don't have to get
all scientific on me, baby.
963
01:05:10,198 --> 01:05:11,615
I mean, we can just talk.
964
01:05:22,961 --> 01:05:25,629
Stop. Okay, keep doing it. Yeah!
965
01:05:26,464 --> 01:05:28,382
Right there!
966
01:05:33,555 --> 01:05:34,805
Oh, my God.
967
01:05:41,396 --> 01:05:43,981
Okay. All done.
968
01:05:49,321 --> 01:05:53,157
That was awesome.
969
01:05:54,826 --> 01:05:57,995
Wait. Wait, does that work?
970
01:05:58,163 --> 01:06:01,415
I mean, is it even medically possible?
971
01:06:01,666 --> 01:06:03,834
Oh, yeah. It works.
972
01:06:04,669 --> 01:06:06,587
It works like a charm.
973
01:06:08,923 --> 01:06:10,341
But back to our story.
974
01:06:11,426 --> 01:06:13,510
It was Sunday morning back in Ithaca,
975
01:06:13,678 --> 01:06:17,264
when things suddenly took
an unexpected turn.
976
01:06:18,058 --> 01:06:21,268
Look at me. I'm a mouse.
Eat me. Eat me.
977
01:06:21,519 --> 01:06:23,395
Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
978
01:06:25,565 --> 01:06:27,191
Come on.
979
01:06:27,776 --> 01:06:31,362
You better eat him, Mitch, before I do.
980
01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:34,239
He's tasty.
981
01:06:34,574 --> 01:06:36,325
He's tasty, Mitch.
982
01:06:50,882 --> 01:06:52,841
Why'd you lie to me?
983
01:07:01,101 --> 01:07:02,434
I didn't lie.
984
01:07:02,936 --> 01:07:05,229
You told me that Josh went to Boston.
985
01:07:05,438 --> 01:07:06,897
No, I didn't. I said Austin.
986
01:07:07,107 --> 01:07:08,399
You said Boston.
987
01:07:08,650 --> 01:07:11,985
Because of you,
some guy's life is ruined in Boston.
988
01:07:12,237 --> 01:07:14,405
So what?
Besides, what's the difference?
989
01:07:14,614 --> 01:07:16,490
Wherever he went,
he went because of you.
990
01:07:17,450 --> 01:07:19,243
What do you mean, because of me?
991
01:07:19,452 --> 01:07:21,995
Look, it's obvious.
992
01:07:22,414 --> 01:07:25,624
Josh likes you. It's disgusting.
993
01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:28,127
I knew you'd come back.
994
01:07:28,420 --> 01:07:29,420
What do you want?
995
01:07:29,629 --> 01:07:32,172
So how was your little
getaway with Josh?
996
01:07:32,424 --> 01:07:35,134
- I wasn't with Josh.
- Sure.
997
01:07:35,385 --> 01:07:38,720
Doesn't matter, though, because
Josh won't be back next semester.
998
01:07:38,805 --> 01:07:41,181
He's about to flunk philosophy.
999
01:07:41,266 --> 01:07:42,683
What are you talking about?
1000
01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:47,187
See, he thinks that he has
an extension on the midterm,
1001
01:07:47,272 --> 01:07:51,233
but, thanks to a certain someone, me,
1002
01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:53,110
he doesn't.
1003
01:07:53,236 --> 01:07:54,611
He's such an idiot.
1004
01:07:54,779 --> 01:07:56,321
You are a psycho.
1005
01:08:13,965 --> 01:08:15,132
Oh, my God.
1006
01:08:21,473 --> 01:08:23,474
Turn it down, you say
1007
01:08:23,558 --> 01:08:26,351
Well, all I got to say to you
is time and time again, I say no
1008
01:08:26,519 --> 01:08:27,686
No
1009
01:08:30,523 --> 01:08:32,316
Tell me not to play
1010
01:08:32,525 --> 01:08:36,361
Well, all I got to say to you
when you tell me not to play I say no
1011
01:08:39,699 --> 01:08:43,076
So if you ask me why
I like the way I play it
1012
01:08:44,329 --> 01:08:47,664
There's only one thing I can say to you
1013
01:08:47,874 --> 01:08:53,545
I want to rock
1014
01:08:56,633 --> 01:08:58,133
Want to rock
1015
01:09:02,263 --> 01:09:06,183
I set the guys up at my grandparents'
house for a place to crash.
1016
01:09:06,684 --> 01:09:08,977
I haven't been there in a long time.
1017
01:09:09,354 --> 01:09:11,939
When I was seven,
I set their dog on fire,
1018
01:09:12,023 --> 01:09:13,690
and I haven't been invited back.
1019
01:09:13,858 --> 01:09:16,902
But I hear it's still real nice.
1020
01:09:17,111 --> 01:09:18,403
I'm serious.
1021
01:09:18,613 --> 01:09:21,532
"Please." "Thank you."
"This is delicious."
1022
01:09:21,741 --> 01:09:23,594
Those are the only words
you're allowed to say, okay?
1023
01:09:23,618 --> 01:09:26,370
What? I'm great with old people.
1024
01:09:26,579 --> 01:09:29,414
- Grandmas love me.
- Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
1025
01:09:30,250 --> 01:09:31,708
Manilow?
1026
01:09:31,918 --> 01:09:33,752
Barry's last name is Manilow?
1027
01:09:34,212 --> 01:09:36,421
His name is Barry Manilow?
1028
01:09:41,219 --> 01:09:45,222
Oh, my goodness. Look at you boys.
1029
01:09:45,890 --> 01:09:47,808
Jack, they're here.
1030
01:09:54,816 --> 01:09:58,902
Jack, Barry's friends are here.
Come say hi.
1031
01:09:59,654 --> 01:10:00,779
The boys are here.
1032
01:10:01,781 --> 01:10:03,657
Oh, hey, fellas.
1033
01:10:05,577 --> 01:10:07,035
- How's it going?
- Wait.
1034
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:11,081
Let me get up
and I'll give you guys the full tour.
1035
01:10:11,791 --> 01:10:14,585
Oh, honey, careful. Your boner.
1036
01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:17,921
Well, what do you want me to do?
Cut it off?
1037
01:10:18,631 --> 01:10:20,424
I'll tell you what, fellas.
1038
01:10:20,967 --> 01:10:25,178
We'll start the tour by me showing you
where you're going to sleep.
1039
01:10:25,263 --> 01:10:29,516
Maybe I'll show you what we call
the guest room. Follow me, boys.
1040
01:10:29,976 --> 01:10:31,977
The guest room, if you please.
1041
01:10:51,998 --> 01:10:53,290
Excuse me.
1042
01:10:55,293 --> 01:10:56,668
You remember this kid?
1043
01:10:57,420 --> 01:10:59,838
No. Sure don't.
1044
01:11:05,678 --> 01:11:09,514
Let me ask you once more.
Have you seen my son?
1045
01:11:11,351 --> 01:11:14,019
Now that you mention it,
there were a few guys in here.
1046
01:11:14,187 --> 01:11:16,647
If you loosen my arm,
I could get their bill for you.
1047
01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:18,023
Use your other arm.
1048
01:11:24,530 --> 01:11:26,657
- About how many were there?
- I don't know. A few.
1049
01:11:28,034 --> 01:11:29,326
Four!
1050
01:11:29,535 --> 01:11:32,037
One of them was in here
trying to score drugs.
1051
01:11:32,246 --> 01:11:33,288
Honey, look.
1052
01:11:33,665 --> 01:11:37,417
They made two calls to Austin, Texas.
Maybe they went there.
1053
01:11:53,393 --> 01:11:54,851
Having a smoke?
1054
01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:58,730
Yeah.
1055
01:12:01,609 --> 01:12:03,360
I can't sleep either.
1056
01:12:03,528 --> 01:12:07,155
Goddamn Viagra gets my heart racing
like a lab rat.
1057
01:12:08,574 --> 01:12:11,451
Are you okay? You look kind of goofy.
1058
01:12:11,703 --> 01:12:13,578
No, it's nothing.
1059
01:12:13,955 --> 01:12:15,706
Come on, out with it.
1060
01:12:18,376 --> 01:12:19,459
Well...
1061
01:12:21,379 --> 01:12:23,296
- I almost died two days ago.
- What?
1062
01:12:23,548 --> 01:12:26,967
Our car exploded.
Yeah. I could be dead right now.
1063
01:12:28,886 --> 01:12:30,554
And since that happened,
1064
01:12:30,888 --> 01:12:33,140
I find myself asking "Why?"
1065
01:12:33,641 --> 01:12:36,268
You know? Like...
1066
01:12:37,562 --> 01:12:39,813
What is my reason for living?
1067
01:12:41,232 --> 01:12:43,775
Are you going to pass
that doobie or what?
1068
01:12:44,652 --> 01:12:45,902
Doobie?
1069
01:12:46,237 --> 01:12:48,155
Yeah, sorry.
1070
01:12:48,906 --> 01:12:50,282
Thanks.
1071
01:12:58,750 --> 01:13:00,500
You know what your problem is?
1072
01:13:02,920 --> 01:13:06,089
You're all brains.
Not enough cock and balls.
1073
01:13:07,049 --> 01:13:10,260
People have been telling me that
my whole life, believe it or not.
1074
01:13:11,929 --> 01:13:15,515
In 6th grade, I got so worried about
the escalating situation in Iraq
1075
01:13:15,600 --> 01:13:17,851
that they put me on
an adult dosage of Xanax.
1076
01:13:18,102 --> 01:13:21,313
And by 8th grade
I was in therapy three times a week.
1077
01:13:22,106 --> 01:13:23,774
And the truth is,
1078
01:13:24,275 --> 01:13:28,111
weed is the only thing
that could ever balance me out.
1079
01:13:28,446 --> 01:13:30,489
You know what I mean? Like...
1080
01:13:33,284 --> 01:13:35,035
You okay over there?
1081
01:13:35,495 --> 01:13:36,995
Hey, old man.
1082
01:13:38,331 --> 01:13:41,416
I got the fucking munchies real bad.
1083
01:13:41,876 --> 01:13:43,418
How about you?
1084
01:13:48,174 --> 01:13:51,384
Okay, Tiffany,
it's time to stop being so sad.
1085
01:13:53,346 --> 01:13:55,806
Look at all this mail you got.
1086
01:13:55,973 --> 01:13:59,184
Look how many nice people
care about you.
1087
01:13:59,519 --> 01:14:02,395
You even got a package from Josh.
1088
01:14:02,647 --> 01:14:03,980
Really?
1089
01:14:04,482 --> 01:14:06,483
Should we open it
and see what he sent?
1090
01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:09,319
Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it.
1091
01:14:12,323 --> 01:14:13,698
It's a tape.
1092
01:14:14,242 --> 01:14:16,159
Well, pop it in.
1093
01:14:16,577 --> 01:14:19,162
Maybe I should watch this on my own.
1094
01:14:19,247 --> 01:14:20,664
Oh, come on.
1095
01:14:22,875 --> 01:14:25,252
This'll definitely cheer you up.
1096
01:14:31,843 --> 01:14:34,094
What do you look for in a girl?
1097
01:14:37,181 --> 01:14:39,558
Well, let's see. She should be smart
1098
01:14:40,184 --> 01:14:43,770
and funny and...
1099
01:14:47,024 --> 01:14:48,567
That's good, too.
1100
01:14:49,902 --> 01:14:51,695
What else do you look for?
1101
01:14:52,280 --> 01:14:55,866
She should be attractive...
1102
01:14:57,076 --> 01:14:59,119
And topless.
1103
01:14:59,370 --> 01:15:02,080
And she should kiss me.
1104
01:15:17,555 --> 01:15:18,930
You boys be good, now.
1105
01:15:19,140 --> 01:15:20,765
Bye, it was great to see you.
1106
01:15:21,434 --> 01:15:23,560
I'll tell Barry you said hello.
1107
01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:32,360
Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me
some blueberry pancakes right now.
1108
01:16:28,793 --> 01:16:30,794
- Excuse me.
- Just a minute.
1109
01:16:31,045 --> 01:16:32,671
WWW dot
1110
01:16:32,755 --> 01:16:36,049
Episode Two slash spoilers,
1111
01:16:36,133 --> 01:16:37,384
backslash...
1112
01:16:40,304 --> 01:16:44,057
Okay, look, some people are here
and they are being very rude.
1113
01:16:45,059 --> 01:16:46,685
Okay, call you back.
1114
01:16:48,354 --> 01:16:49,896
I'm sorry, but we need your help.
1115
01:16:50,064 --> 01:16:51,898
Do you know Tiffany Henderson?
1116
01:16:52,149 --> 01:16:53,358
Room 109.
1117
01:16:53,651 --> 01:16:55,568
Well, her grandfather died
1118
01:16:55,820 --> 01:16:58,196
and she asked me
to pick up her mail for her.
1119
01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:01,324
How sad. Do you have the key?
1120
01:17:03,828 --> 01:17:07,831
Well, she didn't bring it to the funeral,
so I was hoping that you could...
1121
01:17:08,708 --> 01:17:11,042
I'm sorry, but you need the key.
1122
01:17:11,252 --> 01:17:13,545
Don't worry. Her mail will be here,
1123
01:17:13,754 --> 01:17:15,171
safe and sound.
1124
01:17:17,008 --> 01:17:18,550
It's not like that, you see.
1125
01:17:18,634 --> 01:17:21,511
She needs something.
This is an emergency.
1126
01:17:21,721 --> 01:17:24,055
Let's not make a big deal out of it, okay?
1127
01:17:24,682 --> 01:17:27,100
Well, it's not a big deal,
but you need the key.
1128
01:17:27,184 --> 01:17:28,893
Rules are rules.
1129
01:17:29,562 --> 01:17:31,730
No one's asking you to do
anything wrong here, man.
1130
01:17:31,939 --> 01:17:35,567
Just, you know, look away.
Go have an Eskimo Pie or something.
1131
01:17:35,776 --> 01:17:37,527
You guys are going
to have to leave, okay?
1132
01:17:38,070 --> 01:17:41,197
We're not leaving without that mail.
1133
01:17:41,365 --> 01:17:44,219
Listen to the man before you get some
Jackie Chan happening on your face.
1134
01:17:44,243 --> 01:17:47,287
- Come on, fellows. Let's go right now.
- That means now, asshole.
1135
01:17:50,875 --> 01:17:53,209
- I think he broke my nose. Oh, God.
- Let me see it.
1136
01:17:55,546 --> 01:17:56,880
Come on, Susie.
1137
01:17:57,214 --> 01:17:59,049
- You're a wrestler?
- You bet, Mary.
1138
01:17:59,717 --> 01:18:00,884
You want to go?
1139
01:18:01,010 --> 01:18:03,011
Let me see it. Just let me see it.
1140
01:18:10,144 --> 01:18:11,644
- Who's my bitch?
- What?
1141
01:18:11,729 --> 01:18:13,063
Who's my bitch?
1142
01:18:17,610 --> 01:18:19,110
That's it.
1143
01:18:26,160 --> 01:18:28,078
Okay, everyone, freeze.
1144
01:18:28,370 --> 01:18:29,954
This here is pepper spray
1145
01:18:30,122 --> 01:18:31,915
and we will not hesitate to use it.
1146
01:18:37,630 --> 01:18:39,130
These guys jumped me.
1147
01:18:39,590 --> 01:18:41,758
I was just sitting behind my desk.
1148
01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:42,967
- What?
- Kyle!
1149
01:18:43,803 --> 01:18:45,595
- Dad?
- That's your dad?
1150
01:18:45,763 --> 01:18:47,806
Freeze right now. Everybody, freeze.
1151
01:18:48,641 --> 01:18:50,183
Put the weapon down now.
1152
01:18:50,434 --> 01:18:52,268
For chrissake, my son was kidnapped.
1153
01:18:53,938 --> 01:18:55,313
Who was kidnapped?
1154
01:18:55,481 --> 01:18:58,817
I wasn't kidnapped.
These are my friends from school.
1155
01:19:00,444 --> 01:19:01,653
What are you talking about?
1156
01:19:03,823 --> 01:19:05,990
We all drove down here together.
1157
01:19:06,367 --> 01:19:07,534
What?
1158
01:19:08,828 --> 01:19:11,621
Then explain to me how
the frigging car got blown to hell.
1159
01:19:13,374 --> 01:19:14,374
Well, see...
1160
01:19:14,542 --> 01:19:15,834
It was stolen.
1161
01:19:16,293 --> 01:19:18,670
That's right. It was stolen.
Tell him, Kyle. Wasn't it?
1162
01:19:19,296 --> 01:19:20,672
Exactly.
1163
01:19:20,881 --> 01:19:22,090
Stolen?
1164
01:19:23,634 --> 01:19:25,552
What about the damn credit card?
1165
01:19:26,971 --> 01:19:30,056
It was in the glove compartment
and that was stolen, too.
1166
01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:32,976
Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous!
1167
01:19:33,144 --> 01:19:34,978
Why didn't you tell us where you were?
1168
01:19:35,146 --> 01:19:37,772
Because I knew you'd get mad.
See, look how mad you are.
1169
01:19:37,857 --> 01:19:38,898
I'm not mad!
1170
01:19:39,108 --> 01:19:41,108
Come on, you're going with me.
Outside, in the car.
1171
01:19:43,445 --> 01:19:44,487
Tiffany.
1172
01:19:44,947 --> 01:19:46,781
What the... What's going on?
1173
01:19:47,116 --> 01:19:48,366
Nothing.
1174
01:19:48,492 --> 01:19:50,493
Damn, dude, she is hot.
1175
01:19:51,829 --> 01:19:54,998
Ben, my girlfriend's paging me.
Can we let these people go?
1176
01:19:55,207 --> 01:19:56,499
- It's a good idea.
- I like him.
1177
01:19:56,709 --> 01:19:57,917
No one is going anywhere.
1178
01:19:58,169 --> 01:19:59,836
Bullshit, junior. He's coming with me.
1179
01:20:00,087 --> 01:20:01,379
Get off of me.
1180
01:20:02,339 --> 01:20:04,090
I'm going back with these guys.
1181
01:20:04,925 --> 01:20:06,885
You shut your mouth
and you don't talk back to me.
1182
01:20:06,969 --> 01:20:08,178
Why don't you shut up?
1183
01:20:08,679 --> 01:20:11,014
What the hell did you just say to me?
1184
01:20:11,182 --> 01:20:13,266
I said, "You shut up."
1185
01:20:13,392 --> 01:20:16,561
All my life you've been telling me
to stand up for myself.
1186
01:20:16,687 --> 01:20:20,523
Well, now I am.
So leave me alone, you jerk.
1187
01:20:22,359 --> 01:20:23,860
Why, you ungrateful little...
1188
01:20:30,367 --> 01:20:32,118
Go away! Go away!
1189
01:20:36,207 --> 01:20:39,876
What was that all about?
Josh, what are you doing here?
1190
01:20:40,377 --> 01:20:42,212
I just miss you. That's all.
1191
01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:47,383
I miss you too, but it's crazy for you
to drive here because you miss me.
1192
01:20:48,219 --> 01:20:50,845
Why? I thought you'd be glad to see me.
1193
01:20:51,055 --> 01:20:53,389
I am glad to see you, but...
1194
01:20:53,557 --> 01:20:56,142
Josh, you have your entire life
to live up at school.
1195
01:20:56,227 --> 01:20:57,727
This isn't healthy.
1196
01:20:58,062 --> 01:20:59,062
Besides...
1197
01:21:00,648 --> 01:21:03,483
I realized a few things
this past week, you know?
1198
01:21:03,692 --> 01:21:04,859
You did?
1199
01:21:05,069 --> 01:21:08,905
- Like what?
- Like we're in college.
1200
01:21:09,657 --> 01:21:13,743
The window of opportunity to go out
and have fun and
1201
01:21:13,911 --> 01:21:15,662
meet new people
1202
01:21:15,913 --> 01:21:18,248
is getting smaller by the day.
1203
01:21:19,416 --> 01:21:21,709
- It is?
- Come on, Josh.
1204
01:21:21,919 --> 01:21:23,920
We've been together forever.
1205
01:21:24,171 --> 01:21:27,382
I mean, you're pretty much the only guy
I've ever been with.
1206
01:21:28,425 --> 01:21:30,677
What do you mean,
"Pretty much the only guy"?
1207
01:21:31,262 --> 01:21:34,180
Well, I was 14
and you were away at camp.
1208
01:21:34,265 --> 01:21:35,640
But that was years ago.
1209
01:21:36,225 --> 01:21:38,101
Besides,
we were in different area codes.
1210
01:21:41,939 --> 01:21:44,774
You know what?
I've been thinking a lot about us, too.
1211
01:21:47,403 --> 01:21:49,279
The real reason I drove down here...
1212
01:21:49,446 --> 01:21:50,780
Hold that thought.
1213
01:21:55,077 --> 01:21:56,286
Hello?
1214
01:21:58,122 --> 01:21:59,789
Yeah, he's right here.
1215
01:22:00,291 --> 01:22:01,791
Who is this?
1216
01:22:02,459 --> 01:22:03,751
Hold on.
1217
01:22:04,586 --> 01:22:05,962
It's for you.
1218
01:22:06,297 --> 01:22:07,297
It's Beth.
1219
01:22:09,466 --> 01:22:10,967
Who's Beth?
1220
01:22:17,599 --> 01:22:18,641
What are you doing?
1221
01:22:19,643 --> 01:22:21,811
I'm not sure
what's going on between us,
1222
01:22:21,895 --> 01:22:23,980
but I need to tell you something.
1223
01:22:24,481 --> 01:22:28,776
I'm actually glad you called,
because I wanted to tell you something.
1224
01:22:29,862 --> 01:22:31,404
Okay, you first.
1225
01:22:32,156 --> 01:22:33,716
I can't really talk about it right now.
1226
01:22:33,741 --> 01:22:36,492
But I promise I will explain everything
when I get back.
1227
01:22:37,328 --> 01:22:39,329
Really. I promise.
1228
01:22:40,581 --> 01:22:42,332
I got to get going, though. Okay?
1229
01:22:42,499 --> 01:22:44,250
Wait, wait. Don't you want to hear mine?
1230
01:22:44,585 --> 01:22:46,002
Right. Sorry.
1231
01:22:46,837 --> 01:22:47,837
Is it good?
1232
01:22:48,172 --> 01:22:49,630
Not really.
1233
01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:53,343
Jacob lied to you.
There's no extension on your midterm.
1234
01:22:53,510 --> 01:22:55,845
- What?
- He tried to trick you.
1235
01:22:56,013 --> 01:22:57,293
If you don't get back, you fail.
1236
01:22:57,348 --> 01:22:59,015
What do you look for in a girl?
1237
01:22:59,266 --> 01:23:00,683
Shit.
1238
01:23:00,851 --> 01:23:02,018
She should be smart,
1239
01:23:02,186 --> 01:23:04,520
and funny and...
1240
01:23:04,688 --> 01:23:07,690
- Aren't you glad I called?
- Yes, thank you, Beth.
1241
01:23:07,941 --> 01:23:09,817
I'll call you as soon as I get back.
1242
01:23:10,027 --> 01:23:11,319
Okay, bye.
1243
01:23:11,862 --> 01:23:13,363
This for me?
1244
01:23:14,281 --> 01:23:16,366
God, no, no! You don't want...
1245
01:23:24,291 --> 01:23:27,210
- What the hell is this?
- Rubin, I can see myself on the TV.
1246
01:23:27,378 --> 01:23:29,212
I think the tape must be rewound.
1247
01:23:29,713 --> 01:23:31,047
It's Barry.
1248
01:23:31,215 --> 01:23:32,215
Hey, look.
1249
01:23:33,092 --> 01:23:35,051
Look at that. You can see my bum.
1250
01:23:39,723 --> 01:23:42,058
- Why would you send this to me?
- So, wait.
1251
01:23:42,559 --> 01:23:46,854
You guys broke up,
then you hugged and then you left?
1252
01:23:47,064 --> 01:23:48,981
Yeah. Pretty much.
1253
01:23:54,405 --> 01:23:56,072
Everyone knows that.
1254
01:23:56,240 --> 01:23:58,825
It's not like that.
I've known her my whole life.
1255
01:23:59,034 --> 01:24:00,576
She's my best friend.
1256
01:24:00,744 --> 01:24:03,579
So, what do we do now?
1257
01:24:03,914 --> 01:24:06,749
- You guys want to smoke some drugs?
- I don't think so, Kyle.
1258
01:24:07,000 --> 01:24:11,921
My midterm starts in exactly 46 hours,
so I got to get back.
1259
01:24:12,089 --> 01:24:15,174
Although I'm going to fail anyways,
so it doesn't really matter, but...
1260
01:24:15,426 --> 01:24:18,886
- Which class was it?
- Ancient philosophy.
1261
01:24:19,430 --> 01:24:22,515
I could teach you ancient philosophy
in 46 hours.
1262
01:24:22,724 --> 01:24:24,016
- You can?
- Yeah.
1263
01:24:24,101 --> 01:24:26,477
I could teach Japanese to a monkey
in 46 hours.
1264
01:24:26,562 --> 01:24:29,355
The key's just finding a way to relate
to the material.
1265
01:24:30,524 --> 01:24:31,941
Like, okay.
1266
01:24:32,401 --> 01:24:35,027
- You like pro wrestling, don't you?
- Who doesn't?
1267
01:24:35,112 --> 01:24:38,948
Socrates, he was like
the Vince McMahon of philosophy.
1268
01:24:39,199 --> 01:24:40,783
He started it all.
1269
01:25:10,731 --> 01:25:12,482
What was the Twenty-Man Battle Royal?
1270
01:25:12,983 --> 01:25:16,402
Participation explains predication.
Aristotle's "one over many" argument.
1271
01:25:16,653 --> 01:25:17,653
Right.
1272
01:25:17,821 --> 01:25:20,656
You know this. You'll be fine.
1273
01:25:29,166 --> 01:25:31,501
Freeze right there. Don't move.
1274
01:25:32,294 --> 01:25:34,003
Is this philosophy?
1275
01:25:36,673 --> 01:25:38,591
If you hear anything, give me a call.
1276
01:25:38,926 --> 01:25:42,595
Bomb threat is serious business.
It's a felony. Here, take my card.
1277
01:25:49,019 --> 01:25:50,520
Okay, let's move it.
1278
01:25:50,729 --> 01:25:52,605
What's going on with this bomb threat?
1279
01:25:52,689 --> 01:25:54,232
False alarm, people.
1280
01:25:54,316 --> 01:25:56,651
Everyone, back inside.
1281
01:25:56,860 --> 01:25:59,153
We're going to do this thing.
1282
01:25:59,696 --> 01:26:00,988
That's right.
1283
01:26:19,383 --> 01:26:20,675
Beth.
1284
01:26:23,679 --> 01:26:25,638
Thanks for calling.
1285
01:26:26,765 --> 01:26:28,975
It's been a really weird week.
1286
01:26:30,852 --> 01:26:32,770
So how'd you do?
1287
01:26:33,814 --> 01:26:35,856
On the exam? Pretty good, actually.
1288
01:26:36,066 --> 01:26:37,400
You did?
1289
01:26:38,360 --> 01:26:39,819
Were you surprised?
1290
01:26:43,073 --> 01:26:46,576
You weren't back in time for the exam,
so I
1291
01:26:46,660 --> 01:26:48,494
called in a bomb threat.
1292
01:26:49,913 --> 01:26:50,913
You did?
1293
01:26:52,583 --> 01:26:53,749
That's insane.
1294
01:26:53,834 --> 01:26:56,961
I wasn't going to let Jacob
get you kicked out of school.
1295
01:26:57,254 --> 01:27:01,048
Besides, I might need you around
next semester.
1296
01:27:02,426 --> 01:27:04,260
So I did good, right?
1297
01:27:04,428 --> 01:27:05,595
Good?
1298
01:27:06,972 --> 01:27:10,266
That's the coolest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
1299
01:27:25,115 --> 01:27:26,282
Mom?
1300
01:27:30,454 --> 01:27:31,662
I'm so sorry.
1301
01:27:33,123 --> 01:27:34,415
Mom?
1302
01:27:34,541 --> 01:27:36,334
I got carried away with the story.
1303
01:27:42,132 --> 01:27:46,719
So anyway, Josh got a B plus on his
midterm. He got to stay in college.
1304
01:27:46,970 --> 01:27:50,014
And I'm happy to report
that he and Beth are still together.
1305
01:27:50,098 --> 01:27:53,768
They're still really into making
their home movies.
1306
01:27:53,977 --> 01:27:57,438
In fact, they have about 70 hours
of unedited amateur video.
1307
01:27:57,814 --> 01:27:59,357
It's pretty wild.
1308
01:27:59,566 --> 01:28:02,276
I know, because I bought some of it
on eBay.
1309
01:28:03,320 --> 01:28:04,320
That guy, Jacob...
1310
01:28:04,571 --> 01:28:05,738
He left school.
1311
01:28:05,822 --> 01:28:08,908
He went on to become the leader
of some cult out in Iowa.
1312
01:28:09,242 --> 01:28:12,161
Eventually he tried organizing
a mass suicide.
1313
01:28:13,121 --> 01:28:15,790
Only problem is he drank
the Kool-Aid first and...
1314
01:28:16,083 --> 01:28:19,460
Well, afterwards everyone else
just kind of changed their minds.
1315
01:28:21,171 --> 01:28:22,421
Too bad.
1316
01:28:23,006 --> 01:28:24,465
As for Rubin...
1317
01:28:24,675 --> 01:28:25,841
Remember Rubin?
1318
01:28:26,343 --> 01:28:29,637
Remember how he always claimed
that he was destined for great things?
1319
01:28:29,971 --> 01:28:32,241
Something tells me the people of Earth
are going to need me.
1320
01:28:32,265 --> 01:28:34,392
Well, he was right.
1321
01:28:34,810 --> 01:28:38,938
Rubin used cross-pollination
to develop a strain of marijuana,
1322
01:28:39,022 --> 01:28:40,898
that is not only remarkably potent,
1323
01:28:41,024 --> 01:28:45,569
but also completely undetectable
by any of today's standard drug tests.
1324
01:28:45,696 --> 01:28:47,196
Oh, my God.
1325
01:28:47,364 --> 01:28:50,533
He was named High Times'
Man of the Year.
1326
01:28:52,953 --> 01:28:54,245
As for E.L.,
1327
01:28:54,329 --> 01:28:58,457
despite his swinging philosophy
on sexuality,
1328
01:28:58,542 --> 01:29:00,626
he got pretty serious
with some girl he met.
1329
01:29:00,711 --> 01:29:04,004
And you want me to use two fingers?
1330
01:29:04,172 --> 01:29:07,216
- I believe she was premed.
- Did I say two?
1331
01:29:07,718 --> 01:29:09,301
Better make it three.
1332
01:29:10,971 --> 01:29:12,054
Then there's Kyle.
1333
01:29:12,556 --> 01:29:15,057
Kyle and his father
reconciled their differences.
1334
01:29:15,475 --> 01:29:18,310
Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas.
1335
01:29:18,395 --> 01:29:20,555
He brought his new girlfriend home
to meet his parents.
1336
01:29:21,815 --> 01:29:23,858
Rhonda, this is my father, Earl.
1337
01:29:24,151 --> 01:29:25,443
Dad, this is Rhonda.
1338
01:29:25,902 --> 01:29:27,570
Merry Christmas, Dad.
1339
01:29:27,821 --> 01:29:29,071
Come here.
1340
01:29:33,577 --> 01:29:34,702
That's the end of the tour.
1341
01:29:34,786 --> 01:29:37,163
Okay, I hope each of you
1342
01:29:37,247 --> 01:29:40,082
strongly considers becoming part of
the Ithaca tradition,
1343
01:29:40,459 --> 01:29:43,127
as we lead future generations of
young men and women
1344
01:29:43,211 --> 01:29:45,546
forward into the new century.
1345
01:29:45,756 --> 01:29:47,923
Thanks a lot.
You guys were great. Thanks.
1346
01:29:48,091 --> 01:29:49,341
Thank you so much.
1347
01:29:49,426 --> 01:29:51,844
- No, it was good. It was fun.
- Thank you so much.
1348
01:29:51,928 --> 01:29:56,015
- I'll see you in the fall. Definitely.
- Thanks. Okay. Thank you.
1349
01:29:56,099 --> 01:29:59,268
I'd just like to say thank you.
1350
01:29:59,519 --> 01:30:03,189
I mean, that was really great.
1351
01:30:03,482 --> 01:30:06,776
Thank you.
1352
01:30:13,950 --> 01:30:15,159
Mom?
1352
01:30:16,305 --> 01:30:22,190
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