Original subtitles

Yeah.

It's all right.

Mr. Ward, I am terribly sorry about the loss of your...

It's very hard, very hard losing a brother.

And obviously, I think we could pronounce him dead,

- what with the head severed completely. - Yeah.

All right.

Artemus, there's a glass half empty side of today

and a glass half full side.

The half empty is your brother was decapitated

and is clearly dead from barbed wire

and some sort of wound.

But the glass half full

is that I have brought the latest in crime-fighting techniques

to your brother's murder scene.

The camera. Camera.

This is all the way from Paris, France.

Yeah, I know, it's... My French is not great.

I was in the... I was in the out...

- You were in the outhouse. - I can't understand a thing, I mean...

- I was in the outhouse. - Oh, you were... I thought...

I was doing my business in the outhouse.

I hear yelling and I hear the screaming.

And what did this man look like? Can you describe him?

He had a mask.

- Cole Younger. - Don't say it, please.

- Well, we're lawmen, we can say it. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - So then he takes his gun out and:

Shot him in the head. Shot your brother in the head.

- Oh there's more? - And then you see this right here?

- Yes. - He takes that,

he wraps it around my brother's neck

he squeeze it, and he squeeze it and he squeeze it

and he squeeze it until, pop! Ppt.

- And did it pop up like that? Okay. - Oh.

- Uh, your brother's name again? - Ilario?

- Lario? - Ilario.

- Ilario. Ilario. - Ilario.

- It's with an I. - Ilar...

I took Spanish at Harvard, but I can't roll the R.

That's why I got a C.

So let's go ahead and pick that up

so I can get a photograph of it.

- We need to pick up... - No.

Hey, we're burning daylight, the maggots are gonna fall out.

Come on, let's get it.

We are now photographing, we are in the gerund of photographs.

We are in the pro... Hold it. Hold it. Hold it about

14, 15 more minutes.

Ah.

We gotta do this once a month.

Well, I thought you spent your entire month's pay

so how on Earth are you gonna live if we do this once a month?

I just need to sleep on the street

and live off of my own urine.

Which you can do, I understand.

Okay, and that's 6:00.

- All right. - Let's go.

- Wait, just give me a second, please. - Come on.

I spent a lot of money to have you as my girlfriend all night.

I know, and I spent a lot of time talking to you, Hoyle.

I can't believe I didn't get any sleep after those

"Tell me what's in your imagination" game.

Yeah, and be honest, wasn't that lovely?

Okay, how long do you want to sleep in here?

I don't know, just like an hour, I'm exhausted, I've been

solving crime, you know, Artemus Ward's brother

was shot in the head and decapitated.

Cole Younger did it and I got to track him down.

Yeah, those Youngers, Ephraim Younger came in

and busted up my saloon last night.

I see.

So it would make sense that Cole is probably close behind.

Has Cole Younger been here?

No.

Of course not.

- And if he were... - Oh, I would tell you.

I would run straight to you and tell you.

Because we've shared feelings.

- I need you to mend this skirt. - Okay.

You know how you fixed my other petticoat and you put that neat little loop

- with the string? - Yeah, granny loop.

Will you put a granny loop in this because I swear...

Absolutely, just put it on the pile with the other mending.

All right, quit sucking up to me. It's time to go.

I don't like those kind of games, Hoyle.

- Let's go. - You know right now I'm turtling up

- because it's so cold. You know that? - Yeah, yeah.

My God, how many men does Honey do in a night?

I don't know, somewhere between 12 and 50.

- What are we doing here? - Okay, I'm glad you asked that.

- Good, because I don't know. - All right.

This is called a stakeout.

This is a covert police operation, okay?

- All right. - I was in Honey's boudoir today.

You know she and I have a thing off the books.

- Yeah, we're... - Well, I hear that it's mostly on the books.

It's mo... It's off. There's off as well.

- Anyway, the point is - All right.

She said that Ephraim Younger, his brother, was spotted in town, okay?

So I went to the bartender of the saloon

- dropped some silver. - Absolutely.

Seems toward the end of the evening, she's supposed to be meeting with a C. Younger.

- Which is Cole Younger. - Cole, that's what I thought too.

So I put my Harvard brain to work

- and I dug this out of the closet. - A stick.

- No. No. - We're gonna beat him with a stick.

- No? - This is a blow gun, all right?

It was used in Dar es Salaam

or actually procured from an island just east of there

called Zanzibar. Have you ever heard of Zanzibar Island?

- I haven't. Sheriff, right behind you... - Very interesting

- Could you focus? - I'm trying to focus.

Behind you is all.

Anyway, this was used for hunting wild boar

which I don't think is indigenous to Zanzibar. They will rip you apart.

You just wanna go faster.

When he shows up in that room, I am going to place this dart

in this blow gun, then you just put your mouth on it.

- Just grab it. Yeah, put your face in there. - Put your mouth right around it.

Yeah, you put it in there.

- Double. Yeah... - Oh, my God.

That's nice.

Do you think she's enjoying it right now?

- I mean, be... - Well...

It's only you.

Cole. Oh, Cole. Oh, Cole.

It's only you.

It's only you.

Oh, Cole.

Okay, screw this, let's take him out.

I'm coming! I'm there!

I got him. I...

- Oh, my God. - Wow.

- Oh, my God. - Looks like a child's arm.

- Hoyle? - Oh, Jesus, run.

Serve that drink to yourself, Tidwell?

I did.

Little early to be getting wallpapered, don't you think?

What's the problem, your kids giving you a ruckus at school?

No. I mean, they're dumb,

- but my problem's with the sheriff. - What did he do to you?

He wants me to take on a second job

because I went to law school.

He wants me to prosecute Cole.

And kill me basically, I'm a dead man walking right now.

- So enjoy me while you can. - You know Sheriff Hoyle rooked me too.

Just last night.

Hoyle set it up to catch Cole Younger

while he was humping me.

Wait, hold on, if I may?

You were having relations with Cole?

I was having the best kind of relations with Cole.

I'll bet you could tell a bunch of stories.

If I told you, Tidwell, I mean, it would just, you know, like,

blow your eyebrow hairs out to the side,

they'd stand straight out like wings.

Some of these men are a little... They like it a little strange.

Yeah, you could fill a book with these stories.

Yeah, I bet it's a book you'd like to read, right?

It's a book I'd like to write.

- What? - I'm being serious, this is a great idea.

We write this book... This trial, right before the end

he's about to get hung,

we say, "Hey, we got a book, it's a tell-all on Cole Younger."

Fly off the shelves.

- You wanna write my stories? - I would love to write your stories.

I can fill those pages with shenanigans

that'll blow the hair off the top of your head.

I think we should do it.

- To the millions. - To the millions.

Here he is, sleeping like a baby.

I guess I got the serum dosage right.

- I think he might be dead. - What? No.

Well, 12 hours, you're pretty much dead.

No, I don't think so, look, his diaphragm's moving.

Guess it's true what they say:

The size of the hand,

the size of the man.

I didn't know... I didn't think that was the expression.

That's a new one. You see that oak tree hanging from him?

- Oh, I saw it. - Lord.

- I thought he was paddling a canoe. - I just felt less...

I wanna take off his mask.

Sheriff, you don't take Cole Younger's mask off.

Yes, you do. He wears a mask because he's a bank robber.

- It's just to protect his identity. - Or maybe it's because

if you took off his mask, men would run

screaming from the visage they see before them.

You know what I bet it is? I bet there's a little door that opens in his brain

and out comes a white, tentacled albino hand

with long fingernails and reaches out

- Don't touch me with an albino. - And grabs.

And the four horsemen of the apocalypse...

Come running out, chop everybody's heads off!

That what you're worried about?

Well, yeah, now.

This is a man.

A man like you and me.

Sure, he's twice as big and twice as mean and twice as strong,

and better in bed than you and me, but he's a man.

And pop, pop, pop, went the final button off his trousers.

And then with trembling hands,

I released his member from the tweed prison

like a steel ship...

Eh, like... Like a steel... Like a steel prong.

- Like a hot steel prong - Yeah.

- About to brand his heifer. - Yes.

- But he's a bull. - Cole Younger was like a bull

and I mooed and I moaned Mm. Mm.

And I prepared for my bull.

Let's take a look-see here, shall we?

What's that, Mr. Younger? You don't want us to take off your mask?

"Don't take off my mask. Don't take off my mask."

Well, here we go. We're gonna do it.

Just get it right here...

It's not... See, you're laughing now, but...

He's a man, Eli, he's a man like you and me.

Agh, agh!

Sheriff. Get him.

Okay, I'm out.

Sheriff.

I can't get the keys.

Bring him over here.

- Over there. - Get the keys. Get the keys. Get the keys.

All right, I'm gonna shoot him.

Get the keys. Get the keys.

Okay, sheriff. I'm gonna get him.

Do it.

You got him. Agh!

He's going down.

How the heck did he get out of his cuffs?

I don't know, I cuffed him. He must have picked it with something.

Hey, deputy, you, um... I believe this is yours.

Yeah. It's okay, it happens.

So I saw him...

I saw him

with the barbed wire

and, ung, ppt! And it popped out and I see this.

- He's a liar. - He's not on the stand.

- He just pointed him out, he identified him. - Order!

That's an identification.

- You can step down. - Thank you.

Your Honor, the prosecution would like to call Sheriff Hoyle to the stand.

- Very well. - Thank you.

He'll be introducing, uh,

some forensic evidence.

- I'm sorry? - Forensic, Your Honor.

- Forensic evidence? - I know about forensic.

Okay, well, then you would know...

Why would you ask, then? Why would you ask what it was if you'd knew?

I was just wanting to explain it to the people.

- Oh! - Continue on

explaining what the forensic... Uh...

- Forensic. - The forensics is.

One of the emerging arms of forensic science is photography.

- That's where you... - We know what photography is.

I... Today, you asked me what photography was.

- Just earlier... - I did not, not to me.

- In front of the general store. - Wasn't me.

- Continue on. - It was you. Okay.

- It was not me. It was not me. - It was you. It was.

- It was not me. - All right,

one of the schools of criminology in forensic science is photography.

My deputy and I went to the Ward ranch

to check out the crime scene and I photographed the evidence.

In this case, the head

- of Artemus Ward's body. - Order! Order!

Nobody had any objection.

They were making a lot of noise and I don't want us to panic

just because you're showing a picture of a decapitated head.

I think everyone can see this is clearly the head

of Artemus Ward's brother, Ilario.

- Ilario. - Ilario.

- Ilar... - Ilario.

- Ilario. - Ilario.

You have to treat the R as if it's a D.

Write it down and submit it to the court.

I looked at the head and saw that it was severed from the body.

Decapitated.

However, I quickly determined that that was not the cause of death.

No, that was done postmortemly.

The actual fatal wound was a gunshot

- right above the ear at the temple. - Agh.

- This happened premortem. - Right before.

Before the death, that is correct.

So the murderer basically took his gun and put it...

Your Honor, may I see that for a sec?

- You may. - I'm sorry.

Your Honor, I am...

I am terribly sorry, but I must rescind my testimony.

Cole Younger did not kill Ilario Ward.

- Are you kidding me? - Change his testimony...

Call to order! Call to order!

Order in this courtroom.

I saw what happened with my eyes.

It was him and his gang.

Mr. Ward, I am sorry for your loss, but as you can see,

the bullet hole is on the right side of Mr. Ward's brother's severed head.

That means that the killer, the triggerman

had to be left-handed.

Cole Younger is right-handed, we all know that to be a fact.

Uh, I can attest that, uh,

Cole Younger can do amazing things with his right hand.

- And therefore, he is innocent! - Now, objection! Objection!

He can't make his testimony, then change it around.

- He can't give opposite testimony. - Overruled!

- Overruled. - You are not a judge.

Your Honor, he's guilty for hundreds of crimes, if not this one, for one of them,

let's just string him up. He's here, let's just get it over with.

He's here right now, we might as well!

Order! Order! We do not just string up an innocent man.

Sheriff, I would like you to take Mr. Younger into custody.

You are going to be escorting him to Dodge City

where he will be accountable for his crimes there.

You are released from here for today for now.

- No! - What?

That's a guilty man!

Marshal, deputies,

I hereby relinquish my prisoner

to the jurisdiction of Dodge City.

- Take him away. He's all yours. - We got him.

Whoo!

- Done. - I'm disappointed in you, sheriff.

- Why? - You let him go.

Yeah, but he didn't commit the crime.

He's going back to Dodge City, he's gonna be tried for other crimes, don't worry.

He committed other crimes here too.

He didn't do this one. Somewhere out there, deputy,

is a murderer running wild and free and we've got to get him. Okay?

Where's your badge?

Would you please hang on to that?

Oh, you want the author to sign.

- I'll sign after. - Thank you.

Who do you want me to make this out to?

Cole Younger has escaped!

He's on a shooting spree, he is sure to come here

so go home, lock your doors.

Oh, my God, if Cole finds out we wrote this book, he's gonna kill us.

Books! Bring me back your books! Return your books! No refunds!

- Return them, this isn't a joke! - Lock your doors.

- Ugh. - Books!

- Okay, take these. - Tell the whores to hide.

Hide them under their beds.

Mr. Ward, good day to you, sir.

We came to apologize a bit.

We didn't... Well, I guess, yes, and to let you know

that just because Mr. Younger

was not the murderer, I will not give up the search

until we find the actual person or persons

- who murdered Ilario. - Ilario.

I think I'm pronouncing it right. I took Spanish at Harvard

so I think my pronunciation should be the one we go with.

You let a murderer go.

I am not comfortable charging a man with a crime

that he clearly, if you look at the forensic evidence, and I do,

clearly did not commit.

Yes, the forensic evidence taken by your camera.

- Camera. - Your camera.

- Camera. - Your camera.

- Lario. - Ilario.

And how dare you eat in front of me right now

at a time like this? Why don't you put out a little picnic?

You're right. I'm sorry, Mr. Ward.

Perhaps you'd like a pear.

He's left-handed.

Whoever killed his brother was left-handed.

And another thing,

it seems a claim was filed by your brother in town.

A silver vein was discovered on this property. Enough silver

to make you both rich beyond your wildest imaginations.

But greed got in the way. Greed lopped off the head of Ilario.

- Get him. - Wait, this is... Just run down.

- Don't get yourself caught on it. - Run down.

Well, deputy, that is how justice is served.

With a pear.

- Ah, yup. - How'd you know he was left-handed?

I didn't, I just threw it with a hunch...

- And he caught it... - And he caught it with the left hand.

You know, it offsets the Cole Younger fiasco.

Yeah, that was my... Well, it wasn't really my fault.

- No, it really was. - It wa...

- It really was. - I mean, it's easy to lay blame

- at the first source... - He got your badge

and picked his handcuffs twice.

And by the way, that is the last badge you're getting, all right?

You lose that one, that's it.

Well, this one, I don't know, this one's kind of loose...

- Thank you. - Oh, Mr. Tidwell.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Something's going on. - Mm.

- I'm being sarcastic. - Okay.

- You cost me a lot of money. - How?

Well, I wrote a book, a very entertaining book

that everybody wants to buy and pay me lots of money for.

Only one thing needed to happen for me to make all this money.

Cole needed to be in jail. Thanks to you, he's not.

So now I can't sell my book,

and now I can't live my life because he's gonna come kill me.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

No, don't say "you're welcome," it's not a genuine thank you.

- So I'm sorry. - This whole town hates you.

- The whole town? - Every last person.

- You're the most hated man in town. - Everybody hates me?

- Hey, boys. - I'm talking everybody.

Can I offer you a nice refreshing beverage?

I just created the Sleeper as my new drink.

- Yes, I'd love one. - You would? Great.

And it's got two egg yolks just dashed into the side of the glass.

Why are you being so nice to him? He's ruined our entire venture.

Look, that... You know that could've gotten us both killed.

So you should just be grateful, Mr. Tidwell.

I gotta hand it to you, Hoyle. Letting such a major outlaw go and run wild.

So he can run straight back to my bedroom with all his gang

and, uh, bring in all that revenue back to me.

They'll all be here and just to think of between the drinks and the cards,

and the dances and upstairs with me,

- I appreciate it. - Yeah, that's not...

Was not my intention in any sense.

- Well, that's okay. - It was actually Eli

who lost his badge and that's what Cole used to...

Not throw around the finger of blame

- so freely. - I was gonna throw you a freebie

- Oh, well, okay. - To show my gratitude,

- but if it was Eli, then... - Lose my badge.

Yeah, but as the sheriff, I'm ultimately responsible.

- Well, at the end of the day, though. - Pick, pick who was in charge.

- Because I don't have time. Okay, let's go. - Me. Me, me. me.

- All right? This offer... - All right. Ha, ha.

Excuse me, guys, I'm gonna go have intercourse.

- They know. I said it in front of them. - Right there. While you're talking,

- Congrats. - We'll be... Right now.

- Sloppy thousands. - Just in, like, three minutes.

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