Original subtitles

You know, the stagecoach, never been five hours late.

You don't think she's late on purpose?

No, no, the stagecoach, something got wrong.

- Because we haven't even met yet. - Let me get this straight.

They have catalogs where you can pick out your bride?

- Yup. - And these women just show up?

They're, uh... Yeah, they're immigrants, maybe?

So they're slaves. This is illegal. This is some sort of...

Well, there's no knowing that. There's a magazine.

There are a lot of magazines of other things. Those are all legal.

You got a picture? Is that her?

This is, uh...

- That's, uh... - What happened to the photo?

Did you drop it in water or something?

- No, that's the photo. - Something happened to her.

- She was in a fire. - No, no, she's just...

She's got character.

Look, I hate to be the one to tell you that, that's a beard on your...

- That's not a beard. - It's a beard.

It's not a beard.

Here's all I'm saying. I would get to know her first

before you commit to the actual ceremony.

And I... As someone who's been married, it's a major commitment. Major.

- It's more about a plateau. - Well, I feel great now.

- It's a plateau that ends in a fall to death. - Okay, well...

If it were up to me, they would change the name of marriage to "sprint to death."

I mean, she's gotta marry me too.

Okay, okay, I support what you're doing.

I just... I would lower your expectations.

Here... Here's the coach.

Congratulations.

- What the hell's going on with that driver? - Oh, jeez.

No!

They were engaged?

No, no, it was a mail-order bride.

Full of surprises.

I'm not 100 percent sure

that's she's a she.

Very strong chest.

Must have had a heck of a sense of humor. Ahem.

Injuns.

Yeah, he's convinced that the Indians killed her.

I mean, I think he dodged a bullet.

She is a horrid, horrid creature

who met with a horrid, horrid death.

Awful. Nobody deserves that, but, I mean, if you had to draw a name...

Mm-hm. Yeah.

Look how strong her arms are.

Oh, yeah, now, I'm pretty sure that this one is not hers.

See how it's been severed here?

- Look at that arm. - Which one?

This one. Right arm on him.

Wait. Yeah, this one...

I'm pretty sure they plucked that from here.

There's that one there, so we did a do-si-do.

Whoever did this had a certain...

- They were enjoying it. - Yeah.

Indians.

It's the Indians.

Eli, I know you're upset,

but I have no evidence that the Indians did this.

Look, you can all sit around here and talk about the dead people.

I'm gonna do something about it.

I know a boy, smallpox. I know some blankets that are blankets.

Get the blankets, rub them on the smallpox,

spread the smallpox, pass them to the Indians.

That's not a bad plan.

- It's a terrible plan. - It's a pretty good plan.

These people did nothing to deserve that.

Here is what we're gonna do.

We are gonna retrace the path of this stagecoach

and we are gonna find out what happened to these poor people.

Mr. Shank, I have a favor to ask of you.

I want you to look after my daughter, Pearl Star,

who's locked up in jail across the street.

Oh, no, I am not interested in any kind of law enforcement.

I'm not a people person, you know that.

Mr. Shank, I'm gonna deputize you because I want you to look after her

until the U.S. Marshal comes to take her up to the prison.

- Okay? - Well, I refuse to be deputized, so...

You can't. I fully deputize you. There's no way to stop it.

I have put up a deputization shield which has prevented...

I've deputized all over you.

You've been drenched in deputization.

Okay, I'm gonna need a towel then.

I'm gonna use my skills that I learned at Harvard Math

to lay down a grid of this entire area, everywhere you see.

We're gonna search each sector of the grid

one by one by one.

Okay, hold up there, ma'am. Hold up.

We are on the trail of a horrid murderer or murderers.

Have you seen anybody

who you feel might be suspicious in any way?

Say, someone soaked in blood?

- No. - Okay.

We've been here before, Hoyle.

- No. - I'm sure of it.

- No, no, not a chance. - This is the same sector.

No. Ha, ha, ha.

You obviously haven't taken a topography course.

Hold up.

Coyote feces.

Getting closer.

To a coyote?

Get the horses.

- Can I...? Can I make a suggestion? - All right.

You should shake it a few more times or maybe even dab it on a hankie.

- I don't have a hankie. - You don't carry a hankie?

- No, who carries a hankie? - Every gentleman carries a hankie.

You need a hankie. You just need to dab it. Everybody sees that little dot.

- Everybody. - What...? How long are we gonna do this?

Talk about this or...?

No, how long are we gonna be out here?

Oh. Would you mind...? If you could, just close the barn door there.

Look, sheriff, let's go kill some Indians.

Eli, there is absolutely no proof at all

that the Indians did this.

There's a good chance.

I would put the probability at 0.0 percent.

I'm beset by tragedy here, sheriff.

I don't really know if you noticed that, but I lost a wife.

- You weren't even married to her. - We were about to be married.

We wrote back and forth. I drew a picture of where she was coming to live.

And she wrote some scrawly things that I got someone to read for me.

Eli, marriage is not what you think it is.

After six months, the sex goes away.

After that, you're just two naked people

passing in the morning while you're getting dressed.

In my mind, okay, I think you've dodged a bullet.

She was one of the most

- Don't you go there. - Homely women I have ever seen.

- Don't you go there. - She had hair on her face.

She did not. That was a beauty mark.

Did you see the bulge underneath her apron?

- I didn't see anything. - It was a grapefruit.

- It was not. - She had an Adam's apple.

- You have an Adam's apple! - I... Unh!

That's what I was trying to... Ah!

All right. All right.

All right, you little... Ah! God. Ah!

- What's that? - Ah! I'm allergic to grass.

What are you doing? That doesn't even hurt, sheriff.

Okay, we're going East now.

Jujitsu.

Okay, that was bad. Let go. Oh!

Oh!

All right, sheriff, I'm sorry, but I quit.

I'm gonna find some Indians.

Where the heck is everybody?

I've been here for hours. No food, nor nothing.

This is the worst jail service I have ever witnessed.

How many have you been in?

- Where the hell is Hoyle? - Sorry, Ms. Star, let me introduce myself.

- My name is Vernon Shank. I am, uh... - Okay.

I was asked to look after you for the next several days

until the marshals arrive and are able to transport you.

- Several days? - Yes, ma'am.

I was deputized by your stepfather this morning.

What do you usually do, Vernon?

I own a small business.

- Well, doing what? - Mostly woodwork.

- Cabinet, uh... I'm the undertaker. - Woodwork?

Is that why you forgot to feed me?

Well, know what? You're not the only person that's had a tough day.

I got four dead bodies in my shop.

Maggot fest like you wouldn't believe.

It's like somebody just blew a rice bin all over the place.

I did want to say that I read about you in the paper.

Frank James, that's...

- You in a relationship? - Not anymore.

Oh.

Single?

Thank you, Benders, all of you, so much.

I don't know how you do any business out here,

but thank goodness to innkeepers.

- Hear, hear. - You know, I'm tracking murderers.

- Really? - Yes, yes.

There are some murderers out here somewhere

doing God-awful things to people.

- Lopping their heads off and whatnot. - Oh, my.

So I've got to track them. That's just part of my job.

So how long have you been going through these parts out here?

Well, my deputy and I had a little "disagreement"

i.e. fight, so I've been wandering around a little bit dazed

for about three days now.

- Oh, dear. - Really?

You know, someone at his intelligence level

has to resort to physicality.

He can't work things out logically like the rest of us.

Is he below-average intelligence, sheriff?

I think he's probably retarded, yeah.

He's stupid. Loving, kind.

- You know? - They go together so often.

They really do. The dumber, the sweeter.

- Give me a bitch, is what I say. - Oh!

- So I married my first wife, Myra. - Heh, heh, heh.

Where is this deputy now? Do you know?

Well, we split up. We went our separate ways.

I'm just wondering about Myra, your first wife.

Is she still with us?

No, she was shot in the back, killed cold-blooded years ago.

It's a case that I've never been able to solve.

That's a mighty fine looking...

- Oh, yeah. - Is that pearl?

It's a peacemaker. I got this for a graduation gift

when I graduated from Harvard University.

- I'm a Harvard man. - You aren't.

Yes, I am.

- Oh, my. - You are an educated man.

Yes, I am. Yes.

What a thrill to have a Harvard-educated man

at our table, Ma, don't you think?

- Well, thank you. - Is Harvard in this state?

No. I'm so... I'm sorry, a lot of people don't know.

I should have something printed out that gives people information

about my education so I don't have to go through it every time.

Because I feel like a blowhard.

- That would be wonderful. - Now, his glass is empty.

Darling, why don't you bring that special brew.

- Something special, huh? - Yeah, it's called "splitting headache."

I'm not much of a drinking man, but...

Your friend is upstairs and he's so wonderful.

- He's not... Wait, huh? - Shh-shh-shh.

I'll see you soon.

That is a fine-looking badge you have.

Oh, thank you. It took me forever to get the blood off it

from the previous sheriff. Bit of his brain was stuck to it too.

- Oh, no. - He was hit with a shotgun,

like, three days before I was hired.

Great Bend has had some trouble with their sheriffs.

But they've never had a Harvard man before.

You are just such an interesting man.

I feel the same way about you.

You're one of the most interesting men I've ever, you know, spoke to.

- I'm a woman, sheriff. - I, uh...

- Not to be too forward. - I meant...

- I'm a female. - Yes, I can see that.

I hope you don't think I'm just terribly presumptuous

or morbid, even worse,

but I'm wondering if you could tell me more about these murders.

Well, they were horrid.

I mean, first of all,

the driver of the stagecoach, his head was lopped clean off

and I don't know if you've ever lopped a head clean off...

- I'm guessing you haven't. - No.

But it's not easy. I mean, you've got to cut through the vertebrae in the back here.

A lot of upper body strength.

- Yes. - One would assume.

- Uh. - Hey! Shut up, you hear me?

If not, I'm just gonna have to do something

that involves your manlihood.

I think they know each other. I don't think they're doing it for money.

I think they're doing it for some sort of thrill.

Some sort of... I don't think it's sexual, but it's some sort of...

- But who knows? - Who knows.

Of all the cases I haven't solved, this one particularly...

It's extraordinary.

- It's eluding you. - It's eluding me.

Look at him.

Like a tied-up little pig.

Piggy!

- Piggy. - Heh, heh.

But also the reptilian brain, there's...

Something down there is speaking.

It's like, "You're close, you're close, you're close."

So I'm just waiting for something to come to me.

I think that's a very spiritual way to live.

Is to let the flow of life come to you.

I didn't want to put you off, but you said the magic word.

- Flow? - Spiritual.

I don't know if you're familiar with this movement,

but I myself am a spiritualist.

Oh, I'm not... I don't know a ton about it.

Just in the vaguest sort of way. What is spiritualistism?

Well, sheriff, perhaps you've heard of sĂÂÅances or mediums.

That is a little bit more of the parlor trick element of it,

but we do communicate and I find it easiest to communicate

with the spirits that are closest in proximity,

but I do believe there are so many voices in my head

telling me things all the time

about what life was like, what life will be like.

The dead whisper to me.

- You can talk to these people? - Yes, sheriff.

I mean, perhaps you'd be able to commune with the dead

who died in that stagecoach.

Oh, I can, sheriff.

Perhaps you could ask them who killed them.

I know who killed them.

Who?

Me.

Unh!

I like that sound it makes.

What do you...?

Where do you see your life going?

The next six months, I guess, are taken care of.

What about after that?

I don't know. I'll probably go back to my job.

- What do you do? - I'm a prostitute.

Okay.

Oh, look at that. Slim Hutchins is naked as a jaybird walking around drunk.

Sweet mother of pearl, I'm a deputy!

Vernon, don't leave me here!

Hey.

Hello?

- Ahem. - Welcome to our little den.

This is our private little place.

You can scream and carry on all you want,

because you are miles from nowhere.

Yeah.

Sheriff, I just want to congratulate you.

Even though it didn't work out,

you came so close to solving these murders.

Who are you?

We're the Bender family.

They're the ones who murdered my wife.

I knew there was something. Why would you...? I mean, why...?

Why do this? Why?

Sheriff, if we kill you here on the premises,

your spirits will stay and we can just talk and talk forever.

- Really get to know each other. - Hallelujah.

If I could, I would make the spinning finger around my ear sign.

All right, enough. It's about time we had a little fun. Ha, ha, ha.

- Yeah. - What kind of fun?

- Okay. Grab the handle. Spin it! - I'm grabbing the handle.

- You're the one who's not grabbing it. - Smile.

- Higher, higher, higher. - I'm not... You go higher. I don't do...

Ah!

- Ow! - Eli.

"She was tortured.

Tortured inside.

Together they were two tortured souls."

Kick him in the balls.

- Kick him in the balls. - Yeah.

Kick him in the balls!

Argh!

"Despite their age difference, she felt a growing attraction to her captor.

He was strong and kind,

and he owned his own small business in town."

Actually, that was funnier than I thought it was gonna be. I see why that's enter... Ah!

- Ha, ha, ha. - You are so right.

"He was unlike any man she had seen before."

- Vernon. - Yup.

What's the title of this book?

My Captor and Me.

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

- Deny thy... - Because that's my name.

He keeps going off book.

No, because that's why... I just happened to answer...

- This is enough. I mean, this is terrible. - I'm sorry.

Who's it by?

T.E. Flumjinson.

- Can I see the book? - No.

I'm gonna read tomorrow. We'll pick it up, ahem, from there.

Well, I have to check on some things.

Ma's headed up to bed, I'm just gonna kill you on my own,

but Pa's gonna help me tie you up first.

Night, Mr. and Mrs. Bender.

Now, you've both been very brave.

And apparently fearless, but I know you're afraid

and I know because you are sweating like hogs in July.

I am. I am sweating, I feel...

But I'm... It's not fear.

I mean, I am afraid,

but I also just don't... Ugh.

I just don't feel good.

- I'm not feeling great either. - You don't look good.

You don't look good either. I mean, you really...

Frankly, I feel poorly.

It's the most unattractive you've looked since I've met you.

- Right now. - I did not ask for that assessment, sheriff.

I think we've got...

What? What are you looking at me for?

- You're always looking at me. - Did you go to Leavenworth

and rub blankets on that sickly kid?

All right, I went to Leavenworth and rubbed blankets on a kid.

- I knew it! - What are you...? Oh, don't...

- I knew it. - Sheriff, what is going on?

When his wife was murdered,

he blamed the Indians like he blames them for everything.

- They was the Indians. - No.

They was not the Indians. They was me.

So he goes up to Leavenworth where he knows a kid who has smallpox is there,

he rubs the kid with blankets and gets it on himself.

I didn't bring the blankets with me. I left them back in town.

You're the blanket, Eli.

- You're the blanket! - You are!

- Okay, so now what? - I've got some bad news for you.

You have smallpox and it does not look good.

- I don't wanna die. - I know. I am sorry.

- You're supposed to die. - I know.

And I'm supposed to stay alive and talk to you after you're dead.

The only silver lining that I can see out of this

is that the sweat and the sliminess

from the bumps that are breaking full of pus

- on my arm is that it makes them slippery. - Ah!

Get her, Eli! Grab that!

Get out! Eli, let's go! Let's go!

Ow! Ow!

They're sick. They're sick.

- What? Who's sick? - Sick, everyone.

Death in the streets.

- Deputy's... I... Save yourself. - Okay.

It's smallpox. It's got everybody.

- Get out while you can! - Oh, my God.

Save yourself!

- I love you. - Okay. What?

Ah!

We don't have great chances.

We have smallpox,

and a family of murderers chasing us.

I was wrong about...

- I know. - The Indians, maybe.

And the smallpox.

- The smallpox, you were right. - Terrible idea.

- That was... - Terrible.

That wasn't my best idea.

I accept your apology.

I accept it. Thank you.

I'm gonna trust you from now on.

- Okay. - This was just growing pains.

- There they are! There they are. - Oh, my God.

They spotted us. If you trust me,

- you follow me, I'll get us back to town. - Okay.

- Let's go this way. - No, this... You follow me.

- Well, we can... - Come on. Come on. Let me get you.

- You okay? - Oh, yeah.

- We can also try over there. - No!

- Unh. - I'm afraid we're dying. Come on.

- Come on. - Unh.

You trusting me. That's what trust means. You follow my lead.

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