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Oi, forklift!

Come on!

Over there.

Well, every chef has a blind spot.

Mine´s bread.

You´ll just have to make them yourself, Henry.

No, I´m sorry. I´ve told you. I haven´t got the time.

Well, maybe I could have a word

with someone at the Happy Ploughman.

Margaret, God forbid.

Henry, Happy Ploughman have managed to achieve

a perfectly adequate balance

between price control and quality,

so just don´t --

No, no, no. Look, by all means,

you do the Happy Ploughman´s accounts.

That´s fine. That´s what you do.

That´s wonderful. Fine, fine, fine. Good.

But please, if you love me,

you will not mention the Happy Ploughman,

cost-efficiency, or their so-called quality food services

in my hearing again.

Okay? Thank you.

Do I sense a hidden agenda here, Henry?

Hello. Mr. Crabbe.

Oh, Flora. Come in, come in.

I´m a bit early.

That´s all right.

Now, you haven´t met my wife, have you?

Flora, this is Margaret. Margaret Crabbe, Flora McKee.

-Hello. -Hello.

Flora, this is Nicola and Gary.

Hello.

Now, as promised.

Oh, look, we´ve got Vienna rolls,

poppies, batch, cottage loaves.

Oh, and what´s this one?

That´s made with focaccia flour and olives.

Oh.

Margaret, just smell it.

Breathe it in.

Bread´s the first taste people get of your restaurant.

It makes a very big impression.

Mmm. These would.

Try this batch on your customers today.

I bake fresh every day, and I don´t cut costs on flour.

It is expensive, but it is worth it.

How expensive?

It´s the new hand-made look.

It´s good.

Always ready with the tissues, Kirsty.

Have you any idea how much cholesterol

the average copper consumes every day, Chief Inspector?

I haven´t, sir.

Far too much.

I intend to change that

and save a very large sum of money in the process.

Very glad to hear it, sir.

Hygiene, cost-efficiency, eye appeal.

Sir?

Happy Ploughman Foodstuffs.

Got the canteen franchise all wrapped up.

Terrible drain on time and money, police canteens.

Whole thing was crying out for streamlining.

What brings you to Barstock, then, Deedes?

Arrest rates, sir.

I´m collating them

among selected groups of senior officers,

going by the men in their command.

I´ll be in Barstock for a few days.

As ACC ops, you´ll obviously be one of those targeted.

I think you´ll find my tally pretty satisfactory.

In fact, in the past month or so,

our rates have been unprecedented.

Starting from scratch, sir.

It´s thought that the element of competition

will be motivational.

When do you begin data collection?

Started half an hour ago, sir.

Sir.

Arrested anyone today, Sergeant?

No, sir.

Arrest anyone yesterday?

No, sir.

Make sure you arrest someone tomorrow.

Oh. Right, sir.

Sir.

See, good food is a labor of love.

Flora understands that.

I mean, for her, profit is just a lucky bonus.

And the Inland Revenue

is a branch of the Tufty Club.

I´m not denying Flora´s bread is better, Henry.

I´m just saying it´s too expensive.

Should put some cardboard under that.

Where are you going?

I´m not allowed to say.

Hey?

I´m not allowed to mention them in your hearing.

Mrs. Crabbe.

Hello!

I saw him yesterday at you know where.

He promised to pick me up.

Pick you up for what?

The celebration lunch.

You know who have won the canteen franchise.

Happy Ploughman, Crabbe.

You should take a look at their operation.

Could give you a few pointers.

Bye.

You see, each menu component

carries its own six-digit Ploughman code

and is computer quality controlled across the range.

Extraordinary. Extraordinary.

Darling, darling.

ACC Fisher, my wife, Mel.

How do you do?

Now, ACC, is that your title or your initials?

It´s my title. Assistant chief constable.

It´s all in the epaulettes, isn´t it?

Versatile product.

Basically, you can put anything in the hole.

Toad, obviously. Sausage, I mean.

But also Scotch eggs, burgers, more exotic products.

We´re developing a hummus in the hole.

Mr. Reece, it´s ready.

Assistant Chief Constable?

You don´t have to eat that muck, you know.

I know.

The Freddy Fisher or the Selly Special?

Actually, Mr. Selly, I was just after a cup of tea.

Ah. But if you hadn´t brought your own?

Well, I´ve never been much of a fan of the radish.

You´ve made quite a few changes since you took over.

Good ones, too.

Oh, yes.

I thought it was all over now with the franchise business?

Not that I´ve heard.

Great bubble and squeak.

Fried in bacon fat.

Ah.

Mrs. Parkes used to buy it frozen.

Mrs. Parkes has gone.

She didn´t think the in-house bid stood a chance.

Do you know, Tom, I think I will try the special.

Mandy, do the DI a Selly Special, will you?

I´ve got an errand to run.

And, face it, some of the food

the boys and girls in blue are expected to eat

should have been banged up long ago without parole.

We at Happy Ploughman are about to change all that.

Our motto is "The customer´s always right,"

and, ladies and gentlemen,

we´ve never had a more important customer.

I give you the Happy Ploughman and the Laughing Policeman.

ACC Fisher.

A man of vision.

We´ll have that later.

Meanwhile, the real thing.

What´s the problem?

Get them off the wall.

They certainly send a shiver down the spine, don´t they?

Don´t suppose there´s any connection

with the franchise bid, Mrs. Crabbe.

Why don´t you call me Margaret?

Still, there´ll be some people who aren´t happy.

Always some stick-in-the-muds.

Left to Henry, the words "money" and "food"

would never be in the same equation.

I expect you keep him on track, Margaret.

I try.

He´s a good man, Henry, but he´s an idealist.

Money talks nowadays.

We´ve all got to listen to it.

Poor Miss Lomax.

She´ll be in the boss´s bad books now.

Really?

Still, I´m sure she´ll find some way of making amends.

Well, I think we´re back on course.

Stop right there!

Call the police!

No sirens.

Crabbe?

I want you here now.

God, it´s as if they drop these things in from outer space,

isn´t it?

I mean, six months ago, this was all open fields.

There´s still a ploughman here, sir.

Oh, please!

-That´s right.

-Kirsty Lomax.

-This way, please. -Right.

There have been two dead dogs in the post.

One of the girls had to leave after opening those.

Graffiti, funny phone calls.

Half a dozen big holes in the leisure lawn.

It´s just been going on and on.

It´s not fair.

It´s just not fair after all the work he´s put in.

I´m beginning to think

someone´s trying to put Geoff out of business.

Why should anyone want to do that?

What with him being such a nice guy, you mean?

Margaret.

I´m fine, Henry.

Are you sure?

-I don´t think anyone was hurt. -Oh, good.

Crabbe, I want you through here!

Come on!

Find out if anyone saw anything

and don´t forget to ask in the kitchen as well.

Right, sir.

Well, Mrs. Crabbe?

I feel so silly, a policeman´s wife.

You´d think I´d have noticed something.

I´m not having anyone

jeopardizing that franchise, Crabbe.

No, sir.

Let´s get some cells occupied.

Sir.

Sir.

About Tom Selly, sir, in the canteen.

He didn´t seem to be aware

that the contract had been awarded.

Seemed to be under the impression

that his in-house bid was still in with a chance.

Subsidized coronary shop was never in with a chance.

Drive on.

Man or woman. Average height.

-Wearing a...

...grubby parka with the hood up.

Any word on the catapult?

Well, one witness said

he thought he might have seen something.

Look, haven´t come across one of those for years.

Half a crown.

Four windows. Four half-crowns.

How much is that in the old money, Cambridge?

-Never mind.

There must be more of these around somewhere.

Why didn´t you report these other incidents to the police?

And throw away the canteen franchise?

Are you suggesting these acts of sabotage

were intended to damage your reputation?

What do you think?

Well, are there any obvious business rivals?

Business is rivalry, Mr. Crabbe.

What about disgruntled employees, ex

Well, does anyone leap to mind as a possible suspect?

Yeah, that bitch with the bread basket.

Flora McKee?

I did slam his door, yes.

And I did call him a slimy bastard, which he is.

I don´t remember throwing a cup of tea over him.

Just the cup, I think he said.

No actual tea.

Yes, well, I don´t remember doing that.

And all this because he didn´t wish to take advantage

of your breadmaking services?

I take it he didn´t mention his little back room, did he?

No.

I´d taken him some samples, like I did with you,

and I went back to see whether he was interested

and he said in circumstances like these,

he liked to meet in the back office.

He showed me in there, and it was just a bed.

I see.

He grabbed my arm, so I slapped him and I shouted.

Mmm! Macaroons!

I thought I could smell them.

Will you try one?

I don´t think I will just now. Thank you.

Miss McKee, there have been a number of incidents

before today´s attack on the celebration lunch.

What did they have to celebrate?

Winning the franchise to run our police canteen.

Tom Selly´s canteen?

You know Tom, then?

We just agreed I would supply him with crusty rolls

once he´d got the franchise.

Just been shafted by a radish.

"Today´s your last day," he says.

"Make sure all your stuff´s shipped out

before they start the refit.

Get all the grease off everything."

You see any grease on anything?

You?

Happy Ploughman.

Tom.

H-A-P-P-bloody Y.

-Tom.

I´d like to ask you

about that appointment you went to at lunchtime.

I was meeting Flora, the bread girl.

Well, she probably isn´t a bread girl anymore.

I was the only big customer she´d signed up.

-Her place.

-No.

Some big customer I turned out to be.

Leave it off.

And get yourself over here.

Hello, Gary. Not baking bread, then?

Not good for my self-esteem, Chef.

Oh?

How did Flora´s rolls go down, then?

Like hot cakes.

Margaret.

So you got back all right, then?

Yes, thank you, Henry.

I got a taxi.

Well, that´s Freddy Fisher for you.

I´ve always thought he was very po-faced,

but he´s actually quite charming.

Yeah. Leaving you without the limousine

to which you´ve become accustomed.

And with some very sound ideas on the economics of catering.

What, meaning he agrees with you

on the subject of the Happy Ploughman?

Did you catch the people who smashed those windows at all?

You know, there are many people that would have been happy

to see those windows smashed.

Including one not far away from here.

Anyway, I´ve got some information for you

if you´re interested.

Does this information

contain the words "cost" or "efficiency"?

No, it contains the words "sex" and "adultery."

Mmm. Much better.

So, what´s this information?

Well, I´m not sure I should tell you.

It might add to your prejudices.

Prejudices? Me?

You seem to have more sympathy with the perpetrators

than the victims of this crime.

I think that Geoff Reece, director of the Happy Ploughman,

is having a bit on the side

and I think that his wife knows about it.

So, there is a possibility that...

What, she´d send dead dogs through the post?

If she was angry enough with him.

Excuse me.

The ammunitions are back from the lab.

Not a fingerprint on it.

Well, I suppose you could say this kitchen weight

points to Tom Selly or Flora McKee.

But I don´t know.

And what on earth is that supposed to be?

Old carburetor, it seems.

Maybe 50 years old.

You wanted to see me?

Shouldn´t take long, Mr. Reece.

Yeah, well, talk as we walk.

Fine.

Oh, Miss Lomax.

Could I have a word with you?

I´ll just turn the computer off.

She thinks I´ve got a vendetta against her?

Miss McKee says that you refused to do business with her

and you´ve also warned other companies off buying her bread.

Rubbish!

She also says you´ve been paying her

some rather unwanted sexual attentions.

In her dreams.

You seem to have a close working relationship

with Miss Lomax.

You seem to have a close relationship

with your detective sergeant.

What I´m driving at

is do you think your wife could be capable

of acts of revenge if she suspected...

You bother my wife and I´ll bother ACC Fisher.

What´s the problem?

There´s water coming out of the ground, Mr. Reece.

Well, get someone in to deal with it.

Are you ruling out Tom Selly and Flora McKee, sir?

Their alibis are compromised.

They both claim to have been alone with the other.

True.

And Mel Reece, she would have needed an accomplice.

Also true.

So you don´t think it was any of them.

Do you?

I don´t trust Flora McKee.

Brave of you to be chopping

and changing the canteen around, sir,

with the survey hanging over your head.

Quite capable of handling two things at once,

thank you, Chief Inspector.

Oh.

It´s just that by far

the greatest amount of information leading to an arrest

is exchanged in the canteen, sir.

Didn´t I mention that?

I was wondering

if you could think of any personal angle

in these incidents, Mrs. Reece.

I think what you´re trying to discover without actually asking

is whether I´m aware that Geoff is seeing somebody else.

Well, of course I am.

If you´re also wondering whether I´m taking my revenge

by indulging in a spot of industrial sabotage,

I´m ashamed to say the idea never entered my head.

Can I ask why, Mrs. Reece?

Because I´m only too pleased that she takes him off my hands

like she does.

Watching him lie is funny.

He puts too much effort into it.

Then, that´s Geoff´s approach to everything.

Have you ever seen this before, Mrs. Reece?

Well, I´ve seen a good few like it.

It´s broken off a carburetor, I should imagine.

This one´s 50 years old, apparently.

Well, then it´s not from one of these, then.

These are all between 60 and 75.

Thank you.

I´ve taken precautions, of course,

in case Geoff gets any giddy ideas.

The house is in my name.

All my cars, of course, and half of the Happy Ploughman.

Just in case he ever skips off.

Well, thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Mr. Reece!

Excuse me.

-Customer return, Mr. Reece.

Yeah, I know that. What´s the problem?

A batch of Ploughman´s Pockets have been adulterated.

Dog food.

Come on, miss.

Get your hands off me!

Get her out of here!

I have to say, Cambridge,

I don´t think any of these suspects

is exactly screaming the word "guilty" at me.

I mean, Mel Reece isn´t likely to do down

a company she owns half of, is she?

Sorry, sir?

I wonder who owns the other half.

The husband, presumably.

Presumably.

Beware presumption, Cambridge.

It´s the Achilles´ heel of many a young detective.

You know, I wonder if we´re wrong

to look at these bits and pieces individually.

I mean, taken together...

I´m sorry, sir. I can´t hear you.

Didn´t the Lomax girl say someone had been digging holes?

Crabbe? I want to see you!

Mr. Fisher wants to see you.

Oh, perfect.

Out with the old, in with the new, is it, sir?

I hear you´ve been hounding Reece´s wife.

I wouldn´t say that.

And while you´ve been hounding Reece´s wife,

that McKee girl has been back down to Happy Ploughman

assaulting security guards

and putting dog food in Ploughman´s Pockets!

Ploughman´s Pockets?

Some kind of pastry thing.

I´ve had this idea.

McKee, Crabbe. Arrest her.

Or have you forgotten how to do it?

Hello, Flora?

It´s Henry Crabbe.

Hi. Come in.

I´ll be down in a second.

Help yourself to a florentine.

Now, this time, I know you´ve come to say yes.

I´m now showing the suspect exhibit 1.

A large, empty dog-food tin.

Can you explain what this was doing in your dustbin?

Yes, I put it there. I´d finished with it.

Do you have a dog?

No.

I´m now showing the suspect exhibit 2.

A parka-type jacket also found in the dustbin.

Look, haven´t I got the right to a solicitor or something?

Thank you.

Welcome to the bright, new dawn in franchised catering.

Well, I´m afraid my presumption proved correct, sir.

Geoff Reece does own the other half of Happy Ploughman.

Oh. Lucky man.

You arrested Flora McKee.

Well, I found a dog-food tin in her dustbin, didn´t I?

That´s not actually a crime, is it, sir?

Happy Ploughman had their Pockets

adulterated with dog food.

Their what?

Yeah, I know, I know,

and I found a parka in there.

Ah.

And I´d like to know why she put it there.

Disposing of the evidence, presumably.

Presumably.

I´d also like to know when she put it there.

See, if Happy Ploughman

are getting complaints from their customers now,

it means the food must have been adulterated days ago,

weeks even.

Oh, I don´t know.

Perhaps she´s only just got round to throwing the tin away.

The parka is brand-new.

Did you ask her?

No. She wouldn´t talk to me.

Anyway, she´s just been bailed.

Alas poor Tom.

What do you think, eh?

Hygienic, cost-effective, bags of eye appeal.

Show ´em how it´s done.

Prime the pump.

So... Oh, yeah, right.

Supposing you wanted a fishcake in the hole.

Crack the pack.

Put it on a plate.

Slam it in the nuke machine.

Don´t forget to read the instructions.

Meanwhile, go and get yourself a drink.

What´ll it be? Chocolate hot and whipped?

Oh!

Mmm!

On the house.

Henry. Henry!

Look at this.

"´Police and big business in vendetta against me,´ says..."

Look, look. "Says local entrepreneur."

"´DI Crabbe came barging in and told me I was under arrest.

I later discovered he had been rooting through my dustbin.´"

Have you been rooting through her dustbin, Henry?

-I did, yes. -Henry!

These aren´t bad, you know?

Just like she wanted me to.

"Miss McKee is worried that the arrest might damage

her carefully built-up local business in speciality breads."

Crabbe.

Sir, if it´s about that piece in the paper,

I´m just going to see her now.

It was Margaret I was looking for.

There she is.

Irregularities?

Yeah.

Why should there be any irregularities?

I have to look at possibilities.

There´s obviously disgruntlement in the air.

Rumors start flying.

I´m just asking if, in your opinion, as their accountant,

Happy Ploughman is completely kosher.

Well, I think so.

Because, obviously, if there was any hint

of financial irregularities,

it wouldn´t do for the police service to be involved with them

and I could tear up their contract.

I´m sorry?

I´d be forced to tear up their contract.

Publicity.

Yes.

And that´s an ugly word in your book, is it?

Well, your bread is good enough not to need it.

Well, I don´t notice you rushing to sign up for it.

You´ve also wasted a lot of police time.

Well, the police have wasted enough of mine.

It took me weeks to persuade Tom Selly to take my bread,

then they sell his canteen out from under him.

Planting incriminating evidence...

You jumped to conclusions.

Planting incriminating evidence with the sole purpose

of getting yourself arrested and then into the papers.

That´s a chargeable --

Look, I am broke.

This is my last sack of flour, and I need some business.

What I don´t need is you preaching at me

about how to drum it up.

It´s not as if you´ve had

the courage of your convictions, is it?

I don´t see you giving up a detective´s salary

for a chef´s one.

Henry.

I never said you barged in.

The journalist put that.

Oh.

The policeman´s wife.

Mrs. Reece, these six monthly returns...

Your husband came to see me yesterday.

Wanted to run some ideas by me, little suspicions.

Did he?

They´re observant, aren´t they, policemen?

They pick up on all these little things

you´d swear they hadn´t noticed.

Mrs. Reece, if you think that...

One thing I noticed is that he cares a great deal about you.

You co-own this company, don´t you?

Unlike some couples,

me and my husband are two separate entities.

That´s reflected in the business.

There´s the original factory over at Malbrey,

and then there´s this one.

Geoff suggested that we simplify our holdings

by taking responsibility for one factory each.

And this one´s his?

And the other one´s mine.

Yes. Yes, I was happy with that.

Initially.

Well, gives you both a free hand.

Geoff likes to be always moving on.

He likes his pastures new.

He likes his pastures free, gratis, and for nothing

for that matter.

They´re old and they´re made of metal

and that´s all that connects them.

So why put them together?

They were all found on the floor of the function room, sir.

Yes, but where were they before that?

I mean, if it´s old and made of metal and lost,

how might you find it?

-That´s right.

And someone´s been digging lots of holes at Happy Ploughman.

This is what they found.

I can´t think it´s what they were after.

And I´ll bet you anything you like they weren´t looking

for a secret stash of toad in the hole.

No, Happy Ploughman´s only been there six months.

It might be a good idea to have a chat with the previous owner.

A Mr. Edmund F. York.

Address?

Down here as no fixed abode.

Oh, great.

So, what did Fisher want, then?

A final check on the Ploughman´s credentials.

Well, this sabotage thing has really got him jittery.

Mm.

And I got the impression

he rather hoped there would be something.

See, that´s Freddy in a nutshell.

See, he never says what he means.

Because if you don´t say what you mean,

you can´t be held accountable for it afterwards.

There you are.

Thank you.

So, anyway, did you find any skeletons in the deep freeze?

No, Henry, no.

Much though you would have liked me to, I didn´t.

I found a way of cutting our breadmaking costs, though.

Oh, how´s that?

Find yourself a neglected field,

fence it off, it´s yours for free.

You could grow your own wheat.

I´m sorry. I don´t follow you.

Possessory title.

It´s what Geoff Reece did

to get the land for the Happy Ploughman.

Possessory title.

Ah, possessory title.

Hold a piece of land for 12 years

in the absence of its owner and it´s yours.

Well, Reece couldn´t trace the original owner,

who´s our Mr. York,

so he put a fence around it, bided his time,

and six months ago, the land became his.

Before you ask, the computer´s down.

Oh, no.

But the brain´s still working.

Right.

That drilling rig that was pinched yesterday, Sarge,

you got a note of the index?

I´m looking for first name Edmund, initial F.,

last name York.

Eddie York?

Oh, please.

Do you know him?

Delta 676.

Foxtrot, Yankee, Foxtrot.

The Deadbolt Securities job.

10 million in gold bullion.

What´s the position?

Turning into the Ploughman place itself?

What, a road-drilling rig at the Happy Ploughman?

Yes, sir.

Eddie York got 15 years, served nearly 12,

released six months ago.

And he got back here just in time to see his little acres

go underneath the bulldozers, I imagine.

What´s going on?

I think we´ve caught up with your saboteur, Mr. Reece.

The floor was damaged. They´re making repairs.

I think there must be an underground stream down there,

Mr. Reece.

Eddie York.

This is just a wild guess

and I´m sure you´ll correct me if I´m wrong,

but underground streams

aren´t the only things that are down there, are they?

This is my land, this is.

You´re on my land.

It´s not yours anymore.

Maybe you should check your dates.

Arrest rates, sir?

Where do you think

most of the information leading to an arrest

is exchanged, Crabbe?

Canteen, sir?

You know, an army marches on its stomach, all that.

When did Tom Selly take over running the canteen?

A month ago. Six weeks.

That puts it, um...

...about there, sir.

What do you want, Crabbe?

Well, sir, some good news, some bad.

Good news -- we´ve found out who´s behind the sabotage

at Happy Ploughman.

The McKee girl?

No, no.

Old friend of ours, sir. Eddie York.

Arrested him?

Oh, yes, sir.

Do you remember the Deadbolt Securities job?

We may be in for a rather large haul

of unrecovered gold bullion.

So, what´s the bad news?

Yes, well, legal department are still working on it,

but early indications would suggest

that Happy Ploughman

may be occupying their premises illegally.

Say that again.

This is ridiculous.

But, Margaret, it wasn´t their land.

12 years is 12 years, and Geoff Reece jumped the gun.

One lousy week.

No, no. When he finally found out where York was,

he also found out about his early release date.

He knew then he was breaking the rules,

and he still went ahead with the building.

You would rather have the place returned to an armed robber

with a chip on his shoulder.

Look, Eddie York owns the land.

He´s got every right to have it put back in its original state.

Then why the hell didn´t he put in a claim for it earlier?

Because he didn´t want to draw attention to it.

Not with his half of the bullion unrecovered.

Just think.

Geoff Reece was sitting on a gold mine after all.

I wish I´d never opened my mouth.

Deedes.

Sir?

Just listen to that.

Sir.

Sound of arrest rates rising.

Shame about the Happy Ploughman, sir.

Couldn´t be helped.

Have you ever seen five million in gold bullion,

Chief Inspector?

No, sir.

Have a look at the front page of tomorrow´s paper.

It´s the big yellow pile

stacked up beside me and the chief constable.

Mmm.

I think you´ve got over your blind spot, Gary.

It´s very good indeed.

I was working

over at the Happy Ploughman winding-up sale today.

Take that smug look off your face.

I saw a friend of yours there.

Oh, yes? Who was that?

Flora "Labor of Love" McKee, the bread woman.

She was bidding for one of those dough-making machines.

And did she get it?

She looked very happy with her purchase.

Henry.

Flora.

Now, this is definitely last of the freebies.

That´s very kind of you indeed.

I hear you´ve been buying some labor-saving devices.

Yes, well, you know, business really picked up

after that silly David and Goliath newspaper article.

And I had a good few orders after the Ploughman shut down

and...

Business must move with the times, Henry.

Yes, well, I suppose that´s it really, yes.

Mustn´t be an old stick-in-the-mud.

No.

No.

I´ll come back later.

You´re busy.

Right. Okay.

So, try these tonight then, yeah?

Yes, definitely, yes.

See, not everyone has your principles.

People will just keep moving with the times.

You stand your ground, Henry.

Stand your ground.

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