All language subtitles for Pie.in.the.Sky.S02E06.Black.Pudding.AMZN-Hi OFF

♫♫

Who is it?

It´s me, you old fool.
Open the door.

Hilary, what on Earth
are you doing here?

Oh, stop shinning that thing
in my face, Seymour.

Here, take this. Take this.

Is this it?

Yes, what do you think it is?

What do you want me
to do with it?

Well, put it somewhere safe,
of course.

If you insist.

You´d better come in.
It´s a filthy night.

Oh, no, no.

I have to get back before
they realize I´ve gone.

See you in a few days.

Woman on table three´s saying
she ordered tart, not omelet.

Bloody hell, John.

Come on, Steve,
you know what it´s like.

They like the look
of someone else´s food

and decide that´s
what they ordered.

"False Memory Syndrome,"
it´s called.

Yeah, well, there´s no
more spinach and onion tart.

"No More Tart Syndrome,"
it´s called.

There must be!

One gooseberry,
one Stilton.

Yeah, all right!

Look, there´s one more tart
left, but it´s overdone.

Excuse me?!

Yeah, all right!

And I´m not letting anything
out of this kitchen

unless it´s perfect.

That´s the way Mr. Crabbe
would want it.

He wouldn´t have burnt it
in the first place.

Did I say I´d burnt it?
It´s perfectly edible, actually.

Great, then let me take it
to table three.

Look, I´m telling you, it´s not
going out of this kitchen

because it´s not perfect, okay?!

I have promised her
this damn tart!

Hello, Pie in the Sky?

No, I´m sorry, he´s not here
at the moment.

Can I take a message?
Excuse me, one second.

Excuse me!

Will you two keep it down?

Sorry about that.
What was the name again?

Hilary Smallwood.

He´s to telephone me right away.
It´s very urgent.

What is it?

Reverend Cromwell is giving
his "Thought for the Day"

in the sitting room,
Mrs. Smallwood.

In the unlikely event
that the Reverend Cromwell

has had a thought,

I don´t want him
to give it to me.

Okie-Doke.
See you at teatime.

Don´t bank on it.

You off, then?

Yeah, finished up now.

Bye then, John.

Bye, Henderson.
Thank you.

Bye, Nic.

Bye.

Steve?

There was a message, actually,

from the woman on table three,
about your tart.

Yeah, what?

Well, she said the spinach
and onion tart was overcooked.

- Afternoon.
- Hi.

All right.

There´s an atmosphere in here.

Now, I´ve just done
four days in court.

It did not go well.

I am tired.

My tolerance levels are low.

So, if you´ve got something
to tell me, tell me.

If you haven´t,
sling your hooks.

It´s okay, Chef.
we´re all right.

It´s just been a bit busy,
that´s all.

I´m very pleased
to hear it.

- Right. Bye, then.
- Bye.

Bye-bye, Nicola.

Bye.

Is everything all right, Steve?

Yeah, yeah. No problem.

You know, I think I ought to
look for someone to help you

on days when I can´t be here.

I can manage.

Oh, it was just Johnny.
He keeps winding me up.

Do you want me to have
a word with him?

I´ll deal with it.

Don´t mention anything
to John, will you?

Forget I mentioned it,
all right?

Thanks.

What are you doing?

I thought I had
a bottle of Rioja somewhere.

Oh, Nicola took a message
for you at lunchtime.

It´s on the table.

Poor girl.

She was in such a state

that she´d forgotten
to give it to you.

And we´ve got squabbling
in the kitchen.

Squabbling?
Who´s squabbling?

Steve and John.

Well, I suppose chefs
and waiters have been at it

longer than cops and robbers.

Uh...I can´t read this.

"Horrible Sandwich."
What´s that supposed to mean?

Give it to me.

That´s an "I," not an "O."

It´s Hilary, Hilary-something.

Hilary Smallwood.

Hilary.

Hi-- yes.
"Ring urgently."

Who?

Hilary - you remember,
the writer I met last year.

Yes, you do.
She wrote all these books here.

Pie-Making
in the British Isles.

Out of the Frying Pan
into the Dordogne.

Albert Bridge.

The Secret Life
of the Peppercorn.

Albert Bridge?

Yeah, it´s a collection
of her, uh, journalism.

It´s great.

Listen to this.

"I met him by Albert Bridge.

From his pocket he produced
a paper bag with olives in it.

I´d never even seen
an olive before.

I bit into the plump,

oily, little fruit, and almost
swooned with pleasure.

I knew then that I would
go home with him.

I was 16, and at last
my life had begun."

Good grief.

You see, she discovered sex
and food on the same day.

Uh, yes, Henry, I see.

I´m not completely dim,
you know?

Changed my life -- this book.

What is it?

Visitor for you.

Oh, and about time, too.

Now then, Hilary, Mr. Crabbe´s
come a long way to see us.

Let´s be nice, shall we?

He´s come
to see me -- not us.

And for the hundredth time,
it´s "Mrs. Smallwood," to you.

I brought you
a chicken and ham pie.

Oh, for God´s sake,
I haven´t got time

to sit around eating pie.

This is an emergency.

And you´ve got to help me.

What´s the emergency?

Is there anyone outside?

Take a look.

No, there´s no one there.

No locks on the door.
You notice that?

No, no,
well, that´s probably because,

um, well, in case you
fall over or something.

Fall over?
Why on Earth should I fall over?

No, it´s so
they can spy on me.

Oh, I see.

That´s why Colin
put me in here.

Now...who´s Colin?

He´s my nephew.

- Remember my cottage?
- Yes.

Well, he sold it

without so much
as a "by your leave."

Sold my cottage and stuck me
in this place.

They have lunch at midday.
Can you believe that?

And dinner, which they insist
on calling "tea," at 6:00.

Is the food any good?

Oh...oh, marvelous,

if you like cubes of stale cod
fried in breadcrumbs.

What are they called?

Fish fingers?

Yes, those are
the little buggers.

Uh, Hilary,
what´s the emergency?

We can´t talk in here.
Make me a drink.

A finger of whiskey
and one of water,

and then we can go
into the conservatory.

It´s Colin.

He wants to take my books
away from me.

What does he want
to do that for?

Oh, for money,
of course.

It´s all he´s interested in.

What, do you mean
he´s going to sell them?

Yes.

Are they worth
lots of money?

They might be.

Yes, but,
they´re your books.

It´s your property.

He can´t sell them
against your wishes.

Yes, he can.
I signed a legal document.

He fooled me.

Now, he can do
anything he likes.

Hilary? Hilary?

Oh, it´s him.
It´s Colin.

Oh, Henry, will you help me?

If I can -- of course.

Come for me at midday
on Thursday.

I want you to meet
an old friend.

Oh, bring some wine.

Something sharp --
a merlot, say.

Yes, I´ll try.

Hello, Hilary!

Hilary, you look

absolutely marvelous.

Who´s this?

This is Henry Crabbe.

He´s a friend of mine.

Colin, my nephew,
and his wife...

thingy, the name escapes me.

Serena -- how do you do?

How do you do?

Henry, lovely to meet you.

A visitor?
Isn´t that lovely?

It was,
until you turned up.

Yes, well, I must
be going now.

Uh, goodbye.
It was very nice to meet you.

And, uh, goodbye, Hilary.

Don´t forget.

I won´t.

What mustn´t he forget?

Never you mind.

So, uh, where
did friend Crabbe

pop up from?

He´s a policeman.

I thought that would wipe
the smile off your face.

One Stilton.

Yeah. Thank you.

Two pears,
one ice cream, and we´re done.

Good service, that.

Twenty-four covers,
no slip-ups, no disasters.

Yeah, no wrong orders.

No burnt tarts.

Yes, all right, all right.
That´s enough!

Oh, I´m only kidding, Chef.

I mean, me and John and partners
now, aren´t we, mate?

If you mean, do we have a good
working relationship,

the answer is "just about."

I mean, you know.
There you go -- "just about."

I mean, what sort
of an attitude is that?

There´s somebody
to see you, Chef.

Colin somebody.

Henry? Hello. Colin Smallwood.
We met the other day.

Of course, yes. Hello.

I´ll get straight
to the point, Henry.

You may think I´m being
overprotective,

but when
a friend of Hilary´s --

someone I´ve never
come across before --

suddenly pops up
out of nowhere,

I´m naturally a little curious.

Well, I wouldn´t presume to
describe myself as a "friend,"

but I am a great admirer
of her writing.

Of course.
Aren´t we all?

Look, it´s probably one
of Hilary´s little fantasies.

But she said you were
a policeman.

Well, I am a policeman.

So, uh, this...

Is my wife´s.

I see. Of course.

And how long have
you known Hilary?

Oh, well, I met her briefly
about a year ago.

She was kind enough to try
one of my pies.

And then a few days ago,
she phoned me out of the blue,

and asked me
to come and see her.

Was it about anything
in particular?

No.

The reason I ask is, Hilary
hates to think she´s a burden.

She´ll suffer in silence
rather than make a fuss.

Yes, well, I think

she wasn´t too keen
on the food in that place.

She mentioned fish fingers.

Fish fingers?

Now, that is very naughty
of Hilary.

The food is excellent
at Akenfield.

Fish fingers, indeed.

And she was also, um,

she was also rather worried
about her books.

Her books?

Yes, I think she was under
the impression

you were going to sell them.

Sell them?
Certainly not.

Now, that is one of Hilary´s
little fantasies.

It´s sad, but Hilary does get
rather confused

in some of the things
she says.

I´ll -- I´ll have a word
with Hilary about the books.

Well, thank you,
for your time, Henry.

So, then he said,
"You know, Hilary likes

to suffer in silence.

She doesn´t like
to make a fuss."

I mean, it´s rubbish.

Of course, she loves
to make a fuss.

She´s turned it
into an art form.

Then he asked me
what she talked about,

and when I told him,
he dismissed it all as fantasy.

So?

So...he´s trying
to find out something

without letting me know
what it is.

Well, he´s probably
worried about her.

You know what it´s like trying
to cope with elderly relatives.

Yeah, I suppose
you´re right.

I mean, look at your mother?

My mother?
What about your father?

Nothing wrong with my father.

Just a bit eccentric,
that´s all.

It was like living
with King Lear.

Let´s not talk about it,
shall we?

No, let´s not.

Anyway,
I´ll know more tomorrow.

I´m taking her out for lunch.

Lucky her.

Hello! Lunchtime.

Off we go, Henry.
Chop-chop!

Who is it?

It´s me, you old fool!
Open the door.

Seymour´s getting
on a bit, you know?

You´ll have
to make allowances.

I heard that, Hilary.

Oh, out of the way,
Seymour, so we can come in.

Oh, Henry Crabbe.
Seymour Flint.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I´m sorry about the gun,

but I don´t know your car,
you see?

One can´t be too careful
these days.

Seymour thinks he´s going
to be raided.

Raided?

By whom?

The food police, of course.

It´s all this bloody
European Community nonsense.

I raise a few pigs, you see,
do me own slaughtering,

and Hilary thinks that they will
call for me one of these days.

Oh, that´s enough
of that nonsense.

We´re here to eat
black pudding.

Thingy, Henry,

you can make the sauce
with those apples.

Peel and core them,
chop them into smallish chunks,

put a knob of butter
in the pan --

Add the apples,

cook them slowly ´til they begin
to disintegrate,

add lemon juice, if necessary,
then serve.

Take no notice
of her, Crabbe.

She´s always lashing out
the orders.

I hope you are using

clarified bacon fat, Seymour.

Very good apple sauce,
Crabbe.

So I should think.
A child could make it.

I must try
one of your pies.

Hilary tells me you have
the gift.

She does?

I said no such thing.

His pies are fine,
if you like that kind of thing.

Men --
they boil an egg,

and suddenly,
they´re Escoffier.

This black pudding
is wonderful.

There´s too much oatmeal
and barley

in most black puddings --
not enough fat.

Black pudding
without pearl barley

isn´t black pudding.

If you told me your recipe,

I might be able
to improve on it.

My recipe for black pudding?
You can´t have that, Hilary.

That goes with me to my grave.

What a ridiculous thing
to say, Seymour.

Dreadful old fool, you are --
talking such nonsense.

I´m sorry, Hilary.
I was only joking.

I´m going to lie down.
You´ve absolutely exhausted me!

Henderson? Your lucky day.

Oh, a spare salmon?
Lovely!

Whoa, they´ve
hardly touched it.

Yeah, great.
Brilliant.

- Who was it?
- The woman on table one.

Oh, yeah,
and what´s wrong with it?

I don´t know.

Look, if the punters
don´t like the food,

you´re supposed to find out
what´s wrong with it,

so we can get some feedback
in here.

They send it "back,"
I "feed."

"Feedback" -- get it?

Look, Steve,
if you really want to know,

she said the galette was raw
and the salmon was overcooked.

That´s not true. Look at it.

Oy!

Table one, you said?

Steve?

No, no, I´m going
to sort this out.

Then bring it straight back!

Excuse me, who had the salmon?

My wife, actually.
Oh, here she is.

Oh, I´m so sorry.

I´m sure it´s delicious.
I just feel a bit woozy.

You know how it is?

Oh, yeah, right.

I´m -- I´m sorry, okay?

Hilary tells me you were a poet.

The past tense
is most appropriate.

Well, I´m sorry.
I didn´t mean --

Oh, don´t fret, dear boy --
I know what you mean.

No, I did publish a couple
of slender volumes

after the War,
but they weren´t much good.

Dylan Thomas said,
"Seymour Flint has an agile pen.

He´d write better
if he had it in his hand,

and not up his arse."

He and Hilary had an affair,
you know.

Ended badly, of course.

But I was there
to pick up the pieces.

I may not have been
a very good poet,

but I was fairly good
at picking up the pieces.

You were in love with her?

Yes. More fool, me.

Hilary wasn´t...
conventionally beautiful,

but she attracted men in droves.

I suppose that´s why the memoirs
are such hot stuff.

I -- I didn´t know
she´d written her memoirs?

Yes.

She won´t show me
the manuscript, of course.

Not that I want to,
all those lovers.

Painters, poets, politicians --

she won´t have missed
a single one out.

And that´s why
that little shit Colin

wants to get his hands
on them.

What´s it got to do with Colin?

He made Hilary
sign this paper

so that he´s in charge
of the estate.

And if the manuscript
is published,

all the money
goes to the estate.

And if the book´s a success,

they´ll republish
all her other stuff.

It could be a little gold mine,
don´t you know?

Oh, of course.

"He wants to take
my books away" --

That´s what Hilary said.

I didn´t realize she meant books
she´d actually written.

Well, Colin´s not going
to get them, or the manuscript.

We´re one step ahead of him,
and the food police.

- No, no, no.
- What?

I´ve lost the key.
Ah, ah, here it is.

Good God.

What now?

Well, It´s gone.

Gone? How can it be gone?

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I changed my mind.

I put it in this drawer,
then I changed my mind.

Well, where did you put it?

Well, I put it first
in my old safe,

but that doesn´t lock,
so I put it under the bed,

but the dogs
might have eaten it,

so I put it...in this drawer.

And then I changed my mind,
and I put it...

I can´t remember.

Seymour, don´t go senile
on me now.

Well, it´s here somewhere.
I shall remember, Hilary.

I promise.
I just need...time.

Well, it´s probably
what they call

an Enduring Power of Attorney.

It´s a very good idea.

I advise a lot of my clients
to do it.

What is it exactly?

Well, assuming
you´re in your right mind,

you sign a document,

appointing an attorney
or attorneys --

and usually it´s a relative --

and then if you´re incapacitated
in any way,

you can let them carry out
your affairs

without having to go
to the Court of Protection.

You´ve got to be in your right
mind when you sign this form?

Yeah.

Are you saying that´s what
happened to Hilary Smallwood?

She wasn´t in her right mind
when she signed it?

I have no idea.

I mean, she´s rude,
cantankerous, unpredictable.

But is she in her right mind?
God knows.

Oh, it´s a family affair, Henry.
Keep out of it.

Yes, but, if you´d
seen her in that nursing home,

I mean, with the nephew
hovering around

like some kind of vulture.

I mean, maybe her books
are out of print,

maybe I´m the only person
who´s ever read them all,

but at least she did something.

25 years a copper,
still a softie.

Well, when it comes
to Hilary Smallwood, I am.

Are you jealous?

Certainly not.

One more pie there, Steve.

Yeah, it´s here.

Everything all right?

- Fine.
- Yeah, fine.

Hold on, hold on.

Who served that?
Jackson Pollock?

Look, Steve, you´re not supposed
to dump the food onto the plate,

you´re supposed to present it.

Now, give it to me.

- No! No.
- What?

Well, I can´t give it
to you, Chef.

Steve, stop messing about.
Give me the plate.

No, I can´t. Sorry.

Oh, dear.
I´ll clean it up then.

Yeah, the same thing
happened at my last place.

The chef just cracked up.

He had to be sedated.

Who is Jackson Pollock?

Oh, no, no, I haven´t
got the time.

It´s them!

Food police!

Stay where you are!

Colin, he´s got a gun!

You won´t take me
and you won´t take my pigs!

Seymour, it´s me, Colin.

Please, put the gun down.

And, look, here´s Serena.

Don´t shoot!

I´ll hold my ground
as long as I draw breath.

So, go back to Brussels
and tell them that!

Brussels? What´s
the old fool talking about?

Seymour, it´s Colin Smallwood.
Hilary´s nephew.

Don´t you remember me?

What´s that
about Hilary?

I´m her nephew!

What? Oh. It´s you!

What the bloody hell
do you want?

It´s Hilary.
She´s gone missing.

We thought she might be here.

Well, of course, she´s not here!

Now, get off my land before
I give you both barrels!

No! No! No!

Ah!

Colin!

Hallelujah.

I don´t believe it.
She´s actually finished.

"I won´t eat anything,"
she said.

"I´m too old."

Nothing wrong
with her appetite.

Must be all those
blokes she´s had.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I gave Henderson
some biographical details.

I will not stand
for any disrespect.

I´ve got great respect

for nookie on a grand scale.

Yeah, dream on,
Henderson.

All right, you lot.

Push off.
I´ll see you tonight.

- Right. See ya.
- Bye.

Bye-bye.
I´ll talk to you later.

May I?

Enjoy the meal?

It was all right,
if you like that sort of thing.

Shall I call a taxi
to take you home?

Seymour asked me to marry him,
you know?

Hundreds of times.

If I´d said, "yes," I´d be
living in Seymour´s hovel,

instead of that other place.

I can´t think which
would be worse.

I shall have to phone them,
you know,

tell them where you are.

I´m not going
back there, you know.

I shall just have to stay here
for the time being.

You can take me to my room now.

Right.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I am Hilary Smallwood.

I might have guessed.
Well, I am Margaret Crabbe.

So, you´re the wife?
I see.

Bring me a whiskey and water,
a finger of each.

Tap water, mind, and no ice.

Right.

Young lady?

The reading light in my room
is inadequate.

Please, do something
about it.

She asked me to change
the reading light in her room.

She´s not staying,
Margaret.

Oh, I should hope not.

"So, you´re the wife."

Look, she´s old
and she´s upset.

So am I.

Colin Smallwood is coming
to collect her,

but he has to drive all the way
back from Brighton first.

See, that´s where she normally
goes when she does a runner --

either to Brighton
or to Seymour Flint´s.

Well, I suppose we can
add Pie in the Sky to the list.

I went to see her solicitor,
you know?

Oh, Henry!

He´s not
a solicitor anymore, is he?

But he wanted a doctor
to be present

when Hilary signed the, uh,
the what´s-it-called?

Enduring Power of Attorney.

Enduring Power of Attorney.
Thank you.

- And Colin Smallwood refused.
- So?

Well, it hardly makes him
sound trustworthy, does it?

The poor man must be spending
a fortune on that nursing home.

What exactly
can be in it for him?

Well, a lot
if they´ve found the memoirs.

Oh, yes, the famous memoirs.

Well, I wonder what happened
to them -- excuse me.

There, boy.

Here, sir.

Good evening, sir.
Can I help you?

I believe Hilary Smallwood
is somewhere on the premises.

Yes, sir.

Ah. A little present, dear boy.

Salted pig´s ears.
The lady´s love ´em.

Do press one
on your good lady wife.

Well, yes, yes.
I´m sure she´ll enjoy it.

Thank you very much, Seymour.

Well, if you´ll excuse me,

I´ve got to get back
to the kitchen.

Great news, Hilary.

- What?
- I found it.

Found what?

Your manuscript.

Oh, good job, too, Seymour.

I put it in my safe
first, you see,

but that doesn´t lock, so --

Oh, yes, yes.
I´ve heard that saga already.

You can´t stay here,
you know, Hilary?

Why not?
Henry is my friend.

You´ve got to stop
swanning about,

making a nuisance of yourself.

That´s what I do,
is it?

It´s what you´ve always done.

And I´m the only person left
who will put up with it.

You can come and live with me,
of course.

Oh, don´t start
that again.

After 50 years,

I thought
we´d sorted that one out.

Vanity of the woman!

I didn´t mean "live with me"
like that.

If only Eddie were here.

Well, he´s not. So there.

And I am.

Seymour, you´re being
very irritating.

Why don´t you bugger off
back to your pigs?

Yes, we´ll,
it´s time I got back.

The dogs will be eating
the seats in the Land Rover.

Try and be a good girl, Hilary.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

The Chef thought you, uh,
might like an omelet.

I couldn´t possibly eat that.

Well, I´m not surprised,
after the lunch you put away.

Sit down.

What´s your name?

Nicola.

You´re very pretty.

Thanks.

I was never pretty.

Well, you did all right,
from what I hear.

Prettiness and sex appeal
are two very different things.

The two don´t necessarily
go together, you know?

Do you have many lovers?

Um...well, I´m working on it.

Let me give you
a piece of advice.

Don´t be witty with men.
It frightens them off.

It´s all right to make jokes,
but don´t be witty.

Well, I´d like to meet a man
who could tell the difference.

Eddie could tell the difference.

And I let him go.
Wasn´t that foolish?

Who´s Eddie?

Mrs. Smallwood,

Chef asked me to tell you
that Colin´s here.

Oh!

I´d better
get back to work.

Wait, wait.
Quickly.

You must hide this.

When my nephew´s gone,
give it to Henry.

Hurry!

Where shall I put it?

Anywhere, as long
as it´s out of sight.

Hurry! Quickly.

How´s that?

Excellent, excellent.
Now, off you go.

And not a word.

Is she all right?

We´ve been so worried.

Well, as far as I know,
she´s fine.

Uh, did she bring anything
with her?

Do you mean the memoirs?

How do you know about them?

Seymour Flint told me.

Oh, that horrible
old man.

I´m quite fond
of Seymour, actually.

He told me, also,
about your hopes

to republish all the books --
very far-sighted.

It´s all for Hilary´s benefit,
you know?

She doesn´t seem to think so.

Well, she´s very old.

She doesn´t take
everything in.

Crabbe, will you please tell me,

has Hilary given you
the manuscript?

No.

I had to ask.
You do understand?

Oh, yeah.

I understand you
very well, indeed.

Hilary, darling?

How are you?
We were so worried.

Who´s that?

Come on, Hilary.
Fun and games are over.

Eddie?

We´ve gone all the way
to Brighton chasing after you.

Is that you, Eddie?

Who´s Eddie
when he´s at home?

God knows.

Yes, it´s Eddie, if that
makes you happy.

Eddie was the man
on "Albert Bridge."

- What?
- Uh, nothing.

Have you come
to take me home, Eddie?

That´s right.
Eddie´s come to take you home.

Yes, take me home, please.

I´d like that very much.

Bye, Hilary.

Poor, old Hilary.

What´s that?

Well, she´s not
exactly 100%, is she?

"To Henry Crabbe
who has the gift.

With much love,
Hilary Smallwood."

You see...
the trouble with Steve is

he´s jealous of you.

- Jealous of me?
- Yeah.

No, he is, he --
well, just think about it.

See, there you are
in the dining room, right?

Dealing with the customers,
face-to-face, at ease,

using your many social skills.

True.

And there he is,
stuck in the kitchen.

The perpetual back room boy,
out of sight, out of mind.

He just needs to feel
appreciated, that´s all.

I never thought of it
that way before.

Well, there you are then.

John´s jealous of me?
Do me a favor.

Well, of course, he is.
It´s obvious, isn´t it?

I mean, that´s why he´s giving
you such a hard time.

The poor waiter´s
just a middle man.

He´s at everyone´s
beck and call.

You´re the creative one.

Yeah, right.
I never thought of that.

Oh, nice one, Chef!
What´s in it?

Pork and apple.
It´s for Hilary.

She´s been ill recently.

So, I thought I´d, uh,
visit her today and take this.

That is, uh, if you lot
can get on without me.

Please.

Henry, she took a turn
for the worse

during the night, dear boy.

The doctors say she´s very weak.

I´m afraid I don´t hold out
much hope.

She´s rallied slightly.
You can go in, if you like.

Thank you.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Hilary?

Is that you, Seymour?

Yes, it´s me.

As James I said, "I´m sorry,
but I seem to be

an unconscionably
long time dying."

You´re not dying.

And anyway, it was Charles I.

Don´t argue with me, Seymour.

Anyway,
Charles I was executed.

I think you´ll find
it was Charles II, actually.

There you are.

According to Henry,
we´re both wrong.

Henry?

Yes, Hilary.

She´s gone.

Hi.

I´m, um, sorry about
Mrs. Smallwood.

I think she was great.

Indeed, she was.

Now, what are we going
to do about Hilary´s memoirs?

Her what?

Her manuscript.

You have got it?

I haven´t got it.

But I gave it to her
that night she was here.

She was going to give it to you.

She didn´t give it to me.

I gave it to her in
this very room.

You must have seen it.

Brown paper with string
and sealing wax.

Oh! Oh, I´m sorry!

Now, come on, Nicola.
It´s only a glass.

Don´t worry about it.

No, I don´t mean that!

Oh!

Oh, thank Heaven.

I, um, I completely
forgot. Sorry.

It wasn´t important, was it?

I´ll tell you what, I´ll, um,

I´ll go and get a cloth
and clean up, shall I?

Doesn´t weigh much, does it,
a life?

You know, Crabbe,

we´re the only two people
who know that it exists.

We could burn it.

I couldn´t do that, Seymour.

You mean, you´d hand it over
to the dreaded Colin?

I have to.

Yes, I suppose you do.

You´ll be coming to the funeral,
of course?

Oh, yes.

Good.

And I hope you´ll be attending
a little ceremony

I´ve arranged afterwards.

Fine.

Well, as you all know,
we are here in accordance

with Hilary´s last wish,

to have her ashes scattered
in the Thames by Albert Bridge.

And those of you who´ve read
the appropriate book

will understand the role
that this bridge played

in Hilary´s life.

And those of you who haven´t,
well, too bad.

But, first, I want
to read you

Hilary´s introduction
to the book,

which acts as a fitting epitaph,
I think.

"There are those who would say
that a life...

devoted..."

"A life..."

"There are those who would say
that a life devoted to food --

cooking it, eating it,

writing about it,
even dreaming about it --

is a frivolous life,
an indulgent life.

I would disagree.

If we do not care what we eat,
we do not care for ourselves.

And if we do not care
for ourselves,

how can we care for others?"

Thank you, dear boy.

Well, here goes.

I do hope I´ve got
the wind right.

I don´t want Hilary all --
all over my only decent suit.

You know what Hilary
wrote in that book

about how you had the gift?

Well, she was definitely
in her right mind

when she wrote that.

Can we go now?

Ooh, have you got
the parcel, Margaret?

Thank you.

Hilary´s manuscript!

Darling, how marvelous!

With a bit of luck,
this could prove

a proper little page-turner.

Not here, man.
Have you no sense of occasion?

Wild duck with
apricot stuffing?

Syllabub?

Beefsteak with oysters?

These are recipes!

Bakewell tart.

It´s nothing but recipes!

Hilary´s recipes!

For God´s sake,
be careful, man!

It´s nothing
but bloody recipes!

Colin, we wanted
memoirs, memoirs!

Lamb´s head with brain sauce.

How about that for tomorrow´s
set lunch, Henry?

Well, I almost had her recipe
for eel pie,

but the wind caught and blew it
right across the river.

Now, that would have gone
on the menu.

She knew what
she was doing, did Hilary.

Yes, she knew her stuff.

I think Margaret was referring

to the, uh, memoirs
that never were.

It was a brilliant way
of making sure

that she wasn´t neglected.

Well, she certainly
got me going.

"All my lovers are in there,
Seymour," she used to say.

"Not a single one left out."

She had me jealous to the last.

Night, all.

Uh, are the others all gone?

Yeah.

I don´t know what´s got into
Steve and John, but they´ve

actually gone for a drink
together down the Anglers.

You´re joking!

No.

I´d like to be a fly
on that particular wall.

That´s two shots, innit, Jim?

All right, mate.

It´s great, innit?

What?

I said, it´s great here.

Fascinating. Here.

Cheers.

Look, Steve, I´ll do
a deal with you.

Oh, yeah? What´s that?

If I don´t
have to come here again,

you don´t have to read
"War and Peace."

Deal.

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