Original subtitles

Cousin, you'll never guess what.

Are you all right? - I couldn't be better.

I have great news. I signed us up for three days and two fun-filled nights...

...at the Hidden Mountain Ski Resort.

We're going skiing.

Skiing? What are you talking about?

That nice game where you put sticks on your feet and slide down a mountain.

Balki, I know what skiing is, and I hate skiing.

How do know? Have you ever tried it?

Yes. Our family went skiing every winter.

And every winter, I spent a week with my face in the snow.

My brothers and sisters would use me as a ski jump.

I'm the only Appleton who can't ski.

Dad thinks it's a recessive gene or something.

But, cousin, you haven't heard the best part yet. It...

Balki, you signed me up for something without my permissi�n, didn't you?

Yes, I did, but... - And you shouldn't have, should you?

You shouldn't have signed me up.

You shouldn't have signed me up for something without my permissi�n.

No, I shouldn't have. - Fine.

I'm drained.

Nothing could get me up on a pair of skis again.

BALKl: But... - No matter what you do.

No matter what you say.

No way are you getting me up on that mountain.

Hi, Larry. Ready to hit the slopes?

Bad news, Jennifer.

Cousin Larry and I can't go skiing with you and Mary Ann.

We can't? - Oh, no.

We needed two more to get a group rate. Why can't you?

Because Cousin Larry have a recess in his genes.

No, no, no, Balki, what I said was I had to reassess my means.

Oh, and great news. I can afford it.

Good, because I need your check for the deposit. It's $45.

Forty-five dollars? Well, that's cheap...

...when you're used to skiing at Aspen or the Alps.

But, cousin, you told me you hate skiing. - Alone. I hate skiing alone.

Going down the face of a mountain where no man has skied before.

I want somebody to share it with.

Well, there will be 20 of us.

Cousin Larry used to be a ski jump. - Er.

Ski jumper. Yeah, used to be a ski jumper.

But this trip, we'll all keep our skis on the snow.

Oh, oh.

Terrific. See you Friday. Bye, Balki. - See you on the slopes.

Me and Jennifer...

...Iong talks by the fire, Jacuzzi, moonlight.

I wish I had time to grow a beard.

Sipping brandy.

Observation. - Yes.

A man says he hates skiing. - Yes.

A woman he yearns for walks into the room...

...and suddenly that same man is skiing the Alps.

Now, cousin, conk me on the head with an anvil if I'm wrong...

...but didn't you just tell one lollapalooza of a lie?

Not at all.

You told me you hate skiing.

Balki, there's a difference between skiing and skiing with Jennifer.

One of them is a sport, the other is something worth dying for.

So technically I wasn't lying.

Well, in Mypos we have a saying:

Do you want me to translate? - Not really, no.

It says, "He who lies falls into a deep pit."

In America, we have a saying:

"Butt out."

Candlelit dinners, romantic music.

Maybe I should bring my Julio Iglesias tapes.

How do those boots feel?

Well... Ooh.

Kind of make you walk like Lee Majors.

How do I look?

Like 6 million bucks.

Okay, now, I got us a book that'll teach us everything we need to know.

Have you seen the book? - Well, I think so.

Here it is. - Where?

Careful.

Maybe I just put them down. - Yes.

Sure, I'll put them down.

You move the table over there. - Okay.

Boy, you know...

...these boots are killing me.

Is that what they mean by the agony of defeat?

? The Zen Book of Skiing: Achieving Oneness With the Snow.?

"Oneness"? - Oneness.

This book will teach you to think like an expert skier.

"Chapter one: Putting on your skis."

Well, I can get us that far.

Come here.

It's easy. You just step in.

Toe in, heel down.

Toe in, in. Heel down.

Toe in, heel down.

Toe in, heel down.

Boy...

...these little babies really lock on.

How you get them off?

Well, usually, I fall and they pop right off.

All right, now, let me get the book.

Yeah. No, look out. You're on me.

No, Balki. L... I'm...

All right. No, Balki. Look, back up.

Well, l... - Back up, back up. Balki, back up.

You all right?

Yes, I am. - All right.

Don't do that.

All right. Back up.

Balki. Balki, let go.

You let go. No, you let go. - You let go first. All right, Balki.

On the count of three, we'll both let go. Ready?

One, two, three. - One, two, three.

On the count of three, we'll really let go. Ready?

One, two, three. - One, two, three.

All right, all right. Move your right foot.

Pick up your right foot, put it over there.

All right, move your left foot, put it over there.

All right, straighten out, straighten out.

All right. Now let's get the book.

Any idea how we can get over there?

Ah. Yes.

You take your downhill ski... Or is it your uphill ski...?

No, you take your downhill ski, and you put it over your uphill ski.

Like that, okay? See?

I remember this move...

...because my brothers and sisters used to use it to step over me.

Cousin, do you really think you can be an expert skier...

...by tomorrow afternoon?

Well, I'm going to try.

Now, you just take your uphill ski, put it over the other one...

...and you're home free.

All right, all right. Balki, you're right.

Who was I trying to kid?

I can't even ski in my own living room.

This isn't going to work.

But, cousin, I'm sorry to say this, but I'm glad.

Now you can make a new beginning and tell Jennifer the truth.

The truth? The truth? Who said anything about the truth?

I just need a better plan.

You say plan but you mean lies.

How about this?

As soon as we get up there, I'll insist we go for one run before the lifts close.

After about a hundred yards I'll fall in a soft spot, fake an injury...

...and spend the weekend getting sympathy from Jennifer.

Listen to yourself.

You want to tell one more lie to cover up another.

It's like a snowball rolling down a hill.

By the time it get to the bottom, it's one humongous snowball of lies.

What happened to the pit? - Where do you think the snowball lands?

You think everything is so simple.

You think everything is black and white. Well, it's not.

There is a lot of gray in this worid.

A lot. I am not lying.

I'm simply reshaping the facts into a greater truth.

Cousin, why you have to do that?

Why you have to reshape the facts?

Why can't you just be Larry Appleton? - Balki, where have you been?

I have been Larry Appleton for the past six months...

...and Jennifer isn't interested in him.

That's because she never sees him.

After she is blinded by love, then I will show her the real Larry Appleton.

But tomorrow, all Jennifer is going to see is Larry Appleton, downhill racer.

Oh, cousin.

That ski lift was fun, wasn't it? - Yeah.

Wasn't it fun? - Yeah, terrific.

You don't think anybody saw me fall when I got off, do you?

Well, of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Those people were laughing about something else. Now...

I'm sorry about skiing over your hand.

Don't worry about it. I'm used to it.

All right. Now, there's a good spot.

I'll look good for a hundred yards, then fall in that soft pile of snow...

...and fake an injury.

The pit deepens.

All right, here come the giris. Try to look cool.

What are you guys doing over here? - Trying to look cool.

I'm just a sucker for fresh powder.

But the run is over there. This side isn't even marked.

Looks too steep for me.

Come on, take a bite out of life.

No guts, no glory.

Cousin, I think you missed your soft spot.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Help! Help!

Ah!

Boy, he really likes to show off, doesn't he?

No, he's screaming for help.

Oh, no. No, no.

No! No!

Hang on, Larry, we're coming.

Here we come. BALKl: Wait for me. Wait.

We're on our way, Lar. Hang on.

Wait. Wait.

Whoa! Oh... Oh...

Oh, baby.

I'm skiing! Whoa!

Ah!

Cousin, are we having fun or what?

Yoo-hoo. Anybody home?

Oh, thank God. We finally found a place to get in out of the cold.

Well, let's rest here for a couple of minutes.

And then we'll make our way down the hill and see if we can find the highway.

We've been walking for two hours. I'm exhausted.

Well, I say one thing for us.

I think we all achieved oneness with the snow.

And you? You achieved oneness with that tree, huh?

Do I have any more pine needles sticking out of my forehead?

No.

Now I know what it feels like to have acupuncture at 60 miles per hour.

Oh, poor thing. Sit down. You must be really shaken up.

No, I'm fine.

Except for my ankle. I think I twisted it.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Well, it's getting dark.

I think we'd better just stay here for the night.

I don't think I can walk on this ankle.

Hey, look. I found a blanket and a bottle of wine.

You two get out of your wet coats. I saw some firewood outside.

Come on, Mary Ann. - Oh, I'll open that.

Well, well, well.

Mr. Liar-Liar-Pants-on-Fire.

I hope you're happy. - Yes, very happy.

How can you say that?

We slide down the wrong side of the mountain...

...wander around for two hours, bodies all aching and racked with pain.

And now we're stuck in this cabin with the giris for the whole night.

You don't have to thank me now.

Looks like fate has put us right where we wanted to be.

Cousin, no, not fate. It's your lies that put us here.

Fate, lies, what's the difference?

My plan is working.

Don't you see what's happening?

Ever since you told a lie, things have been going wrong.

Going wrong? Balki, look around.

I have wine, a beautiful woman, a mountain cabin.

I guess this puts an end once and for all to the great Myposian Pit Theory.

Well, maybe things look good now.

But you mark my words.

It ain't over till the fat lady eats.

It was the giant-slalom finals at Innsbruck.

It came down to a duel between Ingemar and myself.

We stared across at each other with a fierce respect...

...born out of years of intense competition.

It's getting deeper.

And deeper.

Anyway, by the first turn, I was already a split second ahead.

But then fate stepped in.

A few meters in front of me, frozen in fear, was a snowshoe rabbit.

Poor little rabbit. What did you do?

Well, I lost the race.

How tragic.

Not really.

I grew up a lot on the mountain that day.

You see, I could have skied right through that furry little creature.

But I learned that there are a lot of things more important than winning.

Is the truth one of them?

Anyway, my racing days are in the past. I like to live in the present.

There's so much I don't know about you.

You can say that again. And that reminds me.

I have a story. It's called:

What does that mean?

It means "The Little Goatherder Who Lied."

Well, I think the giris are a little tired of stories.

Not at all. Go ahead, Balki.

Once upon a time...

...there was a little goatherder.

And he had curly brown hair...

...and little round cheeks...

...and no upper lip at all.

Balki... - It came to pass...

...that the king announced a royal yak hunt.

Well, that was a wonderful little folktale.

More wine, anyone? - It was the day of the hunt.

And the little goatherder decided to show off for the fair maiden.

So he shot an arrow into the air...

...and where it landed, he didn't care.

But he should have...

...because it hit the king right smack in the royal buttocks.

And they all lived happily ever after?

The king was exceeding angry...

...and he threw the little goatherder into a dungeon.

A dungeon not unlike a pit.

I think I saw that on TV.

Wasn't Richard Chamberlain the little goatherder?

Oh, those Mypos tales. Who knows what they mean?

And who cares?

Well, this is the last log.

Well, you know, the best way to fight off the cold is with body heat.

That's a great last resort, but we have a fire.

I'll just get some more wood. - No, no, you stay here.

I'll go get it. That's a man's job.

How's that ankle?

Well, comes and goes. - Changes legs too.

Are you sure you don't need any help?

No, no, no. I'll just go rustle up some firewood.

Love to breathe that fresh mountain air.

Good Lord, it's cold out here.

I'm getting hungry. I wonder if there's any food.

I'm really sorry that we ruined your ski trip.

Oh, that's okay. I'm having fun.

But a little body heat would be nice.

Well, it's a good thing I brought my body.

Wow.

Did you feel that? - Well, of course I did.

Don't be ridiculous.

I still respect you.

I think we just had an earthquake.

They don't have earthquakes in Wisconsin. It was probably just an avalanche.

Avalanche!

BALKl: Cousin Larry!

I found the wood.

Get him to the couch.

Oh, Larry, are you okay?

I was outside. I was happy.

I found the perfect log. And suddenly, I heard this...

Rumbling? - Yes, this rumbling.

I turned around and saw this big... This big...

Mountain? - Yes, mountain.

The mountain started chasing me towards the...

Pit?

No, not the pit.

Where we are now, the cabin.

I never saw so much snow.

There was enough snow to cover this entire...

Oh, cousin, we're buried alive.

Not for long.

Very soon, we'll all be dead.

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