All language subtitles for Perfect Strangers s02e16 Tux for Two.eng

Oh, thank you, cousin.

I thought it was
gonna suck my brains out.

Balki, you're not gonna believe
what I got in the mail today.

Your letter from Publishers Clearing House?
You may already have won?

No, no, but this
is almost as good.

Balki, what do I wanna be?

Tall.

What do I want
to do for a living?

Be a photographer.

Yes, and who inspired me
to become a photographer?

No.

Roger Morgan.

Who that?

Who that Roger Morgan?

He happens to be the best
photographer in the worid.

And this is an invitation
for Lawrence Appleton and a guest...

...to the black-tie opening
night party of his new photo exhibit.

Everybody who's anybody in
the photo biz will be there.

Get out of the city.

Why would he invite you?

Well, be...

Because I was one of the winners
of the Chicago Gazette Photo Contest.

And Roger Morgan
was one of the judges.

Oh, cousin, that's nice.

Balki, Balki, it is
more than just nice.

It's like me wanting to be a baseball player
and meeting Pete Rose.

Or me wanting to be an actor
and meeting Laurence Olivier.

Is it like me meeting the
great sheepherder Zimdog Zakibadbad?

Yes, yes.

Then this is an
exciting day for you.

Yes, yes, it is.

And I'm glad I
could share it with you.

Oh, cousin, a
party. I love a party.

We can play Pin
the Tail on the Mule.

And we can bob for potatoes,
and we can do the limbo log.

No, Balki, Balki.

I think you misunderstood.

I'm sharing my happiness with you,
but I'm sharing the evening with Jennifer.

Jennifer?

Why you ask Jennifer?

Because she's beautiful, and I want her.
- That's a good point, very good point.

But I want you to know,
if she couldn't go, you were next on my list.

I mean that. You, you.

Mr. Twinkacetti,
can you believe it?

Cousin Larry and Jennifer
are going to a black-tie party.

Color me excited.

All right, you tell
him it was your fault.

It was a simple mistake.
- Simple mistake?

All right, I'm a simple person.
Is that what you wanted to hear me say?

Ladies, ladies, why
the stormy weather?

Larry, I can't go to the
party tomorrow night. I'm working.

But you were gonna fly to New
York tonight and be back tomorrow.

That's what I thought, but Mary
Anne got our destinations mixed.

We're not going to New York,
we're going to New Zealand.

New York, New Zealand.
It could happen to anybody.

You're going to New Zealand?

The sheep capital of the worid?

How lucky can you get?

See?

We won't be back until after your party.
I'm so sorry, Larry, I feel terrible.

I just hope you can find
someone else to go with you.

Well, we better get going.
We've got a lot to pack.

We're coming back
through New Delhi.

You didn't tell me anything
about New Delhi.

I don't know anything about New Delhi.

Uh...

Who did you say
was next on your list?

Balki, I got the tuxedos
for the party tonight.

Cousin, I'm ready to party.

Now tell me...

...how do I look?

Balki, you're not going to
meet Roger Morgan dressed like that.

Why not?

Because this is a
black-tie party, not a bullfight.

But I'm wearing a black tie.

Balki, black tie means
you have to wear a tuxedo.

Well, of course it does,
don't be ridiculous.

I'll go splash some on.

Balki.

This is a tuxedo.

I don't have one of that.

I know that. That's
why I got this for you.

Oh, cousin, it's beautiful.

You shouldn't have
bought this for me.

I didn't. I rented it.

You paid somebody money
so I could wear his clothes?

Yes.
- But I have already have clothes.

But not like these.

Yours?
- Yes.

Yours looks just like mine.

Yes.

But if we dressed exactly alike,
how would people tell us apart?

Dental records.

Balki, believe me.

This is not the kind of party
where you're supposed to have fun.

Let me get this straight.

Everybody's gonna be wearing black suits.
- Yes.

And nobody's going to be having any fun?
- Yes.

What the difference is
between this party and a funeral?

There's no body.

But I can fix that.

Balki, this party is
very important to me.

It is vital that
we behave properly.

Roger Morgan has been known
to take young photographers...

...under his wing and
make them what they are today.

What are they today?

Photographers.

That's what you want to be.

Yes, yes, it is.

Balki, look, so you
know what to expect.

Why don't we pretend that
the living room is the gallery?

There are photographs on the wall,
important people standing around.

We both have drinks,
we're looking at a photograph.

Someone comes up and asks...
- What kind of drink do I have?

What kind of drink would you like?

Cola, please.

You have a cola.

Someone comes up...
- Do you have a diet? Have a diet?

You have a diet cola.

Someone comes up...
- You don't have caffeine-free?

You have a caffeine-free diet cola.
- Free diet cola.

Someone...
- Unless you got a ginger ale in there, but...

No drinks. We
have no drinks.

We have a little pretzel?
- No.

Chip of some kind?
- No, no food, no drinks.

Nothing.

We are standing here looking
at a photograph.

Oh, puppy dogs.

Fine.

Someone comes up and asks, "What
do you think of this photograph?"

I think it's pretty.
- Wrong.

I think it's ugly.

Wrong.

I think it's...

...pretty ugly.

Is this how you're going to act
when you meet Roger Morgan?

No, I'll be good.

Boy, are you strict.

Yes, I am.

Balki, at this
kind of party...

...it doesn't
matter what you think.

What matters is that they think
you think what they think. Got it?

I don't think so.
- All right.

Let me make it
simple for you.

When they ask you what you think,
you ask them what they think.

And tell them
the same thing.

But they already know what they think.
- Exactly.

And they wanna hear
the same thing from you.

So let's try it again.

We're looking
at a picture.

Balki, where are you going?

I'm choosing a new picture, it's
enough with puppies. Yeah, this one.

What do you think of this picture?
- Well, l...

What do you think?

I like it. How about you?
- I like it too.

Very good.

All right, let's
try on your tuxedo.

Cousin, are you sure this is
the way people act at these parties?

Balki, of course
I'm sure. Trust me.

This is just a game you play
to get your foot in the door.

Well, don't worry, I
won't embarrass you.

You're gonna be proud of me.

I guessed at the size.

Guess again.

Cousin, I'm sorry the
tuxedo place was closed.

Me too.

I don't mind being
a little different.

I'm proud of my heritage.

Okay, be proud.

Just stand behind me.

Which one is Roger Morgan?

Oh, I don't see him.

Look, that's Frank Lambert.
He's the photo editor of Shutter Magazine.

And that's Dick Jorgeson.
He won a Pulitzer prize last year.

Oh, there's Margaret Milgram.
She owns the gallery.

Balki, I never thought I'd be rubbing elbows
with so many important people.

I'd love to rub those elbows.

It's an expressi�n.

Don't rub anything.

Let's mingle.
- What does that mean?

It means talk without
touching. Without touching.

"Hitchhiker on the
Road to Bitterness."

You know, I think it's the
essence of Roger's best work.

Do you really think so?

Yes, I do.

What do you...?

Think?

What do I think?
- Yes.

What do I think?
- Yes.

I think it's the
best of his essence too.

We have a calendar
of all his work at home.

This is September.

A calendar?

Yes, it's right
over the toilet.

A toilet? Please.

Oh, it's right out
the door to your left.

Well, I never.

Well, in that case, let
me suggest a high-fiber diet.

Dennis, I need a drink.

New rule.

Don't say anything...

...unless you've got something
caught in your throat.

But, cousin, I was just agreeing
with her like you said.

Don't you think it's a good picture?
- Yes, it's a good picture.

All his pictures are good.

I looked at this one
all through September.

I think it might have been better
if he had shot it with a wide-angle lens.

Would have made the car seem
further away, a little more desolate.

Boy, you know a lot for a guy
who's never sold a picture.

Thank you.

You know, I always wondered
why he only shoots in black and white.

Sir?

Thank you.

Balki, give the
man back his tray.

He give it to me.
- Balki.

Just take one thing, and let
the waiter serve the other guests.

Thank you.

What this?

Those are finger sandwiches.

No, Balki.

Balki.

Balki, they're
not what you think.

Just take something.

Perhaps a cocktail frank?

My name's not
Frank, it's Balki.

And I think cocktails are
those little drinks over there.

Thank you. I'll
try to remember that.

You know, you'd think they'd get
a waiter who knew what he was doing.

Oh, yes, you think they would.

Good to see you. Margaret, how are you?
- Roger, so good to see you.

Balki, that's him.
That's Roger Morgan.

Cousin, he is not
wearing a black tie.

No wonder everyone
is staring at him.

All right, this is it.

Oh, sweaty palms. What
if he wants to shake hands?

All right.

Mr. Morgan?
- Yes.

Oh, it is such a
measure to pleet you.

L...

I'm Larry... Larry... Larry...

Appleton.
- Larry Appleton.

And I was won... I was won...

Do you have something
caught in your throat?

No, no, I'm fine.

You know, Mr. Morgan, I always wondered,
why do you only shoot black and white?

Well...
- Cousin Larry was wondering that.

You were wondering the
same thing, weren't you, cousin?

Excuse us.

That's it, it's over. The man
obviously thinks I'm an idiot.

No, he doesn't, cousin.

He might think you talk a little funny,
and, well, who could blame him?

But he hasn't met the real Larry
Appleton, the one who speaks English.

Now, come on,
let's play the game.

No, I can't go back over to him again.
I had my chance and I blew it.

Oh, you just try again.

I can't.
- Yes, you can.

Cousin, if I was
standing there...

...and the great Zimdog
Zakibadbad was over there...

...I would hope
you would do this.

No, Balki, Balki, all right, put me down,
put me down. Balki, put me down.

Mr. Morgan.

My cousin Larry, again.

Yes, I remember.

He admires you.

I do, I really do.

Thank you.

And he...

...would like to be as great
as you are someday.

I would. I would.

You know, that's the great thing about
photography. It's a nonverbal medium.

The hitchhiker picture.
- Yes?

Don't you think you took it
with the wrong lens?

Mr. Morgan doesn't do anything
with the wrong lens.

Dennis.
- Don't worry, Mr. Morgan.

I'll take care
of these people.

Margaret? Margaret?

Don't mind Dennis. He was born
with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Must have been
painful for his mama.

Excuse us again.

Do have any idea
what you just said?

I was just trying to help.
- Well, you didn't.

Morgan no longer thinks I'm
an idiot. He knows I'm an idiot.

And that I come
from a family of idiots.

Cousin, I am trying as hard as I can.

I don't understand
these strange social rules.

Thinking one thing,
and saying another.

People should
just be themselves.

Except Dennis. He
should be somebody else.

You're right. I'm
sorry we even came.

Those are they.

Pardon me, but how
did you get in here?

He's with me.
- I was talking to you.

I was invited.
- And I'm his invited guest.

Well, I'm uninviting both of you.

You're a blithering fool.

And you, you come
here dressed like a...

Like a matador.

And proceed to utter the
most tactless, inane drivel...

Now, wait a minute.
He is not being tactless.

He's being honest.

He's the only one in the room
with the guts to say what he thinks.

And don't put down his clothes.
He is proud of his heritage.

No one speaks
to her like that.

Well, I'm sorry, but
your nana was being rude.

His nana?

I'm calling security.

Dennis, really.

You're in trouble.

Come on, Balki,
let's get out of here.

Oh, there you are.

Young man, about
that lens comment.

Oh, Mr. Morgan, please, he was only
repeating a stupid remark he heard me say.

Oh, but it wasn't stupid.
It was a very perceptive comment.

Well, it's what I really thought.
I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Not now anyway.
- Yes.

What lens would you have used?

Well, I guess I
would have used a 28 mm.

That's exactly the
lens I was gonna use.

But my camera bag was locked
in the car, along with my keys.

Oh, boo, boo!

Cousin Larry does
that all the time.

It's refreshing to
hear an honest criticism.

Usually, when I ask people
what they think...

...they turn around and say,
"What do you think?"

I hate that.

Larry? What was
the name again?

Appleton. Larry Appleton.

Cousin Larry won 10th place in
the photo contest that you helped to judge.

Appleton. I remember the picture.

You do? My picture?
- Yes.

If the committee had listened to my opinion,
you would have done better than 10th.

Well, Mr. Morgan, you have
no idea how that makes feel.

Well, I was a
beginner once too, you know.

You've got a good eye, Appleton.

I'd like to see some more of your work.
- Really?

Drop some pictures by the hotel.
Maybe I can be of help to you.

Well, thank you.
- Nice outfit, kid.

Very Myposian.

I can't believe it. Roger
Morgan is gonna look at my pictures.

All right, I'll
bring him these.

I can't bring him that.

Maybe this, what do you think?

What do you think?

No, Balki, we're not at the gallery
anymore. I really need your opinion.

No, you don't.

Cousin, everybody has an opinion.

Me, Roger Morgan,
even Dennis and his nana.

But the only one
that matters is yours.

Now, bring Mr. Morgan
the ones that you like best.

Yeah, you're right.

Come on, Balki. I wanna
bring these over to his hotel.

Boy, this could be great.

If Roger Morgan likes these,
I could be working in a newspaper...

...in a couple of weeks.

We could be in a new apartment
in a couple of months.

In a year...

...I could win a Pulitzer.

And if he doesn't like them?
- I'll jump off the Sears Tower.

Cousin, don't you think
you're getting a little crazy again?

Isn't there somewhere in the middle?

You're right.

How about I give him the pictures
and hope for the best?

I second that emotion.

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