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1
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:49,509
Oh, nice job.
- Thank you.
2
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:53,170
You finally found a task
worthy of your talent.
3
00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,984
Cousin Larry,
congratulate me.
4
00:01:59,152 --> 00:02:01,484
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
5
00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:03,121
Why?
6
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,486
Because today, I
joined a healthy club.
7
00:02:09,429 --> 00:02:11,397
Why did you have to
do something like that?
8
00:02:11,564 --> 00:02:15,694
Because, you see this?
Body fat. You don't need it.
9
00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:20,194
But with aerobic exercise
and weight resistance...
10
00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:24,776
...you can whittle away that
disgusting body bag of fat you got...
11
00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:29,210
...and reap cardiovascular benefits.
12
00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:31,942
Whatever those are.
And if you join today...
13
00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:35,781
Balki, some of these clubs
are just out to rip you off.
14
00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:40,316
What does that mean?
15
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:41,926
Turnip, turnip, turnip.
16
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:48,295
They sell memberships to maroons like you
and then, uh, split town with all the dough.
17
00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:50,595
Wish I had thought of that.
18
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,531
Do you want to join with me?
- Not on your life.
19
00:02:54,707 --> 00:02:57,699
This river runs too deep.
20
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,141
You would meet
women in tight leotards.
21
00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:05,176
Balki, think about it.
22
00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:08,582
Women who go to those clubs aren't
interested in guys like you and me.
23
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:12,350
You're wasting your money.
- Well, if you say don't join, I don't join.
24
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:15,323
Don't join.
- Don't say that.
25
00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:19,598
Okay, I call and
cancel my membership.
26
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,064
Good.
- But how I'm going to get exercise?
27
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:24,965
Hey, hey, hey.
You want exercise?
28
00:03:25,438 --> 00:03:28,464
I got 50 cases of motor oil
in the stockroom.
29
00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:30,268
Why don't you
work out on those?
30
00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:35,473
And you say he
doesn't care about me.
31
00:03:45,191 --> 00:03:49,127
May I help you?
- Hi. I'm looking for Balki Bartokomous.
32
00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:56,224
Well, I'm Balki
Bartokomous' cousin. Larry Appleton.
33
00:03:56,769 --> 00:04:00,261
Jennifer Lyons. I sold Balki a membership
to the Perfect Body Health Club.
34
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,874
He was so excited, he
forgot to sign the application.
35
00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,738
You're with Perfect Body?
- Part-time. Are you a member?
36
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,437
Uh, me? Uh, no.
37
00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:13,485
But I was thinking of
joining a health club again.
38
00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:17,054
Well, Reuben's Perfect Body is the place.
- I can see that.
39
00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:19,020
I mean, I would hope so.
40
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,593
Jennifer. That was quick.
41
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,958
I didn't even call you yet.
- What do you mean?
42
00:04:26,132 --> 00:04:28,794
Well, what he means is,
he was gonna call you...
43
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:31,596
...to tell you that I
wanted to join the club with him.
44
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:35,104
No, cousin, you said...
- Balki, I think you better let me explain this.
45
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,072
Balki. Excuse me.
- This river...
46
00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:40,178
This river runs so deep...
- Could I talk to you for a moment?
47
00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:42,678
We'll be right back.
What are you trying to do?
48
00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:45,317
I'm trying to unjoin
Reuben's Perfect Body.
49
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:48,283
You can't. I am
in love with her.
50
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,856
Did I miss something?
51
00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:57,525
I think we are going to spend
the rest of our lives together.
52
00:04:57,697 --> 00:04:59,631
Not you and me.
53
00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:04,868
Well, did you ask her out?
54
00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:10,169
You can take the
boy out of Mypos...
55
00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:13,768
Women like this are
only interested in jocks.
56
00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:18,440
I can't just ask her out.
I have to deceive her first.
57
00:05:19,452 --> 00:05:21,682
Uh, excuse me, guys,
but I have to get back to work.
58
00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:23,845
Could you sign this?
59
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:27,151
Why don't you come with Balki tomorrow
and see if you like the club?
60
00:05:27,593 --> 00:05:32,155
Well, I guess I could.
I'll have to skip my 15-mile run.
61
00:05:33,032 --> 00:05:35,500
Good. Well, I'll see
you both tomorrow morning.
62
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:37,329
Okay.
- Thanks.
63
00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:39,198
Bye.
Bye-bye.
64
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:40,964
BALKl:
Bye, Jennifer.
65
00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:46,507
You run 15 miles every day?
66
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:52,117
What do you do, get up
real early before I'm awake?
67
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,179
Yes.
68
00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:26,846
So many women.
So little body fat.
69
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:31,319
All right, look. Here
are the ground rules.
70
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:32,685
Jennifer is mine.
71
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:36,757
I saw her first.
- But I lusted after her first.
72
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:38,794
This is America.
Learn the customs.
73
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:44,328
I never heard of that custom.
- It's new. Come on.
74
00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:47,337
All right. Now, I'm
gonna hit the weights.
75
00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:51,939
Watch and learn.
76
00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:03,415
There's a lot of weight on there.
You probably wanna lower it.
77
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:07,852
No. No pain, no gain.
78
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,493
Okay, let me give you a hand.
79
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,534
That other man must
have been doing it wrong.
80
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:30,680
That's right.
Now, help me down.
81
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:46,196
This is fun.
- Don't... Just get me down.
82
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,125
Hi, guys.
83
00:07:51,103 --> 00:07:52,934
Hi.
- Hi.
84
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,508
I'm about to start
an advanced aerobics class...
85
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:04,809
...but there's a
beginning one in five minutes.
86
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,612
Well, uh, Jennifer, I think
we can handle the advanced class.
87
00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,585
Okay, let's all start off
by doing a little jogging in place.
88
00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:13,350
And jog, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
89
00:08:13,526 --> 00:08:16,791
Jog, two, three, four...
90
00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:21,926
Six, seven, eight, jog, two,
three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
91
00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:23,500
Jog, two, three, four...
92
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:27,105
This is an advanced class?
Ha. It's a joke.
93
00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:32,309
So, Jennifer, you're not
going with anyone, are you?
94
00:08:32,478 --> 00:08:34,036
And arms.
95
00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:40,143
Hi. I'm Mary Ann.
I'm a Sagittarius.
96
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:43,515
I'm Balki. I'm
a Bartokomous.
97
00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:48,558
Do you want to go out with me?
- I'd love to.
98
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:53,929
I think I just reaped
a cardiovascular benefit.
99
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,850
You guys look tired.
- Tired? Ha-ha!
100
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,455
Jennifer, tired is a
state of mind. Ha-ha.
101
00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:23,159
And my mind is oatmeal.
102
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:28,995
Cousin, we have
been here four hours.
103
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:31,102
Are you going to
ask her out or what?
104
00:09:31,270 --> 00:09:36,173
I'm going to. I'm going to.
I'm not here for my health, you know.
105
00:09:37,476 --> 00:09:40,240
I just haven't found
the right moment yet.
106
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:45,373
Well, we had a lot of spare moments
during that 400 sit-ups we had to do.
107
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:48,816
I feel like I
gave birth to an ox.
108
00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:55,451
Well, I can't ask
her now. I'm all sweaty.
109
00:09:59,498 --> 00:10:04,231
One, two.
110
00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:09,033
Sixty-eight, 69.
111
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:15,204
Before I tell you
what I just did...
112
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:18,179
...I want you to know,
in Mypos, we have a saying.
113
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:28,787
It says, "He who
hesitates sleeps with the goats."
114
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,759
I thought you all
slept with the goats.
115
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,595
We do.
116
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:41,732
And this goat sleeper just asked
Jennifer if she'd go out with you.
117
00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:44,602
You... You what?
118
00:10:47,246 --> 00:10:50,682
I am going to
deport you in pieces.
119
00:10:53,419 --> 00:10:55,319
Help me unbuckle this.
- I don't think so.
120
00:10:56,555 --> 00:10:58,022
Yah!
121
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,090
What?
122
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:11,327
How dare you interfere with the
sanctity of a man's right to date.
123
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,335
You scheming,
girl-poaching...
124
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:17,704
She said yes.
- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
125
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:27,146
Boy.
126
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:33,820
Never knew a workout
could make you feel so good.
127
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:39,128
I feel massive.
128
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,360
I feel pumped up.
129
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:46,937
I am Conehead
the Barbarian.
130
00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:51,803
Well, nothing like a tough workout
to make you feel alive.
131
00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:53,842
BALKl:
Ha-ha-ha!
132
00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:59,106
So you thought the
workout was tough, huh?
133
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:00,513
Did I say tough?
134
00:12:00,953 --> 00:12:03,478
I meant challenging.
135
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:06,989
In fact, I found myself wanting it
to be more challenging.
136
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:08,758
Didn't you?
- Oh, yes.
137
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:12,159
You're not tired, are you?
- Oh, no.
138
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:15,528
I'm chock-full
of energy. Ha!
139
00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:23,573
You know, Balki,
in six hours, two women...
140
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,075
Let me amend that.
141
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:31,608
Two gorgeous women
are coming to this apartment.
142
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:34,275
You know what
that means, don't you?
143
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:54,505
What are we talking about?
144
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:59,266
Okay. Balki, for your benefit...
145
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,710
...I think we should
identify our objective.
146
00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:06,174
Is this where you talk down to me?
- Yes.
147
00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:10,021
Now, here's the plan.
148
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:16,592
What we are trying to achieve
is physical contact.
149
00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:21,324
Now, how do we achieve
physical contact?
150
00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:23,931
Begging?
151
00:13:33,045 --> 00:13:34,603
Dancing.
152
00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:37,510
Cousin Larry,
you are a genius.
153
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:42,848
We'll dance, we'll eat,
we'll drink with visitors.
154
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:48,048
But first, we'll rest.
155
00:13:48,227 --> 00:13:52,163
Rest? Why? I'm
not tired. Ha!
156
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:58,503
Neither am I. But since we probably
won't be getting any sleep tonight...
157
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,145
We better stockpile some right now.
158
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:11,113
Well, if we have to.
- Hey, this is no fun for me either.
159
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:15,219
I just hate sitting around
like a bump on a frog.
160
00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:19,914
Well, we'll give it five minutes.
And if we can't sleep, we'll go for a run.
161
00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:33,894
Ow.
162
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:36,630
Ow.
163
00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:41,177
Oh, my gosh. What time is it?
164
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:42,336
Ow.
165
00:14:43,415 --> 00:14:44,848
Ow.
166
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,416
Oww.
167
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:50,851
Oh! Oh! Oh! It's almost 8:00.
168
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:53,218
Balki. Oh. Balki.
169
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:57,260
We overslept and died.
170
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:02,494
Balki.
171
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:17,544
A little sore?
172
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:22,351
I think we overdid
the workout a little.
173
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:26,013
Or you threw me
out the window.
174
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:31,259
Balki, it's almost 8:00. The
giris are gonna be here any minute.
175
00:15:58,190 --> 00:15:59,350
Ow.
176
00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:04,419
I have to call and cancel the date.
- Are you crazy?
177
00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:06,723
No, are you?
178
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:12,028
Where are you going?
- I'm going to call and cancel the date.
179
00:16:12,204 --> 00:16:14,934
Oh, no, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.
180
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:17,541
Oh, no, you're not.
181
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:41,323
No, you don't.
182
00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:45,664
Ow! Ow! Ow!
183
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,669
It's too late. They're here.
184
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:56,813
I'll tell them we're too sore.
I'll tell them to come back in a month.
185
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:07,225
If they find out we're this sore
after one workout, they'll drop us like that.
186
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,161
Ow.
187
00:17:12,664 --> 00:17:17,192
I am supposed to act like I am not
in the worst pain of my whole young life?
188
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:20,167
Yes, please.
189
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:23,502
I want Jennifer.
190
00:17:24,676 --> 00:17:26,166
Okay.
191
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:30,509
If you really
want Jennifer.
192
00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:43,555
Help me open the door.
193
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:50,797
All right. You get the top,
you get the top, you get the top.
194
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,463
Turn, turn.
195
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,905
Open, open. Hi, hi, hello.
196
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,443
Hello. Come on in.
- Hi.
197
00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:01,909
Why is it so dark in here?
198
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:05,016
Oh, hey, Balki, don't be shy.
Turn on the lights.
199
00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:13,720
Okay, Balki, come on.
200
00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:31,670
You guys are walking funny.
Are you sore from your workout?
201
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,004
Yes...
- Oh, of course not.
202
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:34,770
Not at all.
203
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:40,880
So, uh, why don't we just sit down
and talk and get to know one another?
204
00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:51,758
Karate.
205
00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:55,331
Karate yells. We're
into, uh, many, many sports.
206
00:18:56,869 --> 00:19:00,430
We have wine and cheese.
- Oh, well, well, why don't we?
207
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:04,702
Why don't we see if the ladies wanna wait
before plunging into the old feed bag?
208
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,003
I'm starving.
209
00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:13,441
Well, uh, Balki, why
don't you go get it?
210
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:15,678
You brought it up.
211
00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:22,022
Why don't you
help me go get it?
212
00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:26,996
Excuse us.
213
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,801
You guys do everything together,
don't you?
214
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,213
Need any help?
BALKl: Yes...
215
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:46,442
No, no, no.
- No, of course not.
216
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:49,648
You just, uh, make
yourselves comfortable.
217
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:54,755
All right, all right, Balki.
218
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:58,229
You get the cheese. I'll get the wine.
219
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,623
BALKl:
Aah!
220
00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:05,903
Ow. Ow.
221
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,618
Out of cheese.
222
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,456
Help me open the wine.
223
00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:44,106
Where's Larry?
- Oh, he's on the floor.
224
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:50,007
Doing sit-ups.
225
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:54,516
Thirty-seven, 38,
39. Be right with you.
226
00:20:59,524 --> 00:21:01,754
We have wine...
227
00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:04,228
...and no glasses.
228
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:07,625
Couldn't you just
pass the bottle around?
229
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:10,666
Oh, here we go, here are
some glasses. Here we go.
230
00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:21,739
Wine?
231
00:21:23,081 --> 00:21:24,105
We don't drink.
232
00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:29,752
Hey, why don't we dance?
233
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:34,549
We can dance.
- No, we can't.
234
00:21:34,726 --> 00:21:35,988
Yes, we can.
- No, we can't.
235
00:21:36,161 --> 00:21:37,560
We can dance.
- We can't dance.
236
00:21:37,729 --> 00:21:39,196
We can dance. We can dance.
- No.
237
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:41,059
We will dance.
- No dance.
238
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:46,068
You're not gonna fight over this, are you?
- Fight? We can hardly move.
239
00:21:47,439 --> 00:21:48,906
I have a confessi�n to make.
240
00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:52,833
We are not the jerks you thought we were.
- Jocks.
241
00:21:56,748 --> 00:22:00,445
Well, we figured the way you guys overdid
it this morning, you'd be pretty sore.
242
00:22:00,619 --> 00:22:03,019
We're surprised you didn't call
and cancel the date.
243
00:22:07,726 --> 00:22:10,388
Well, we were worried
that if you thought...
244
00:22:10,562 --> 00:22:13,258
You didn't think just because we work out,
we're only interested in hunks?
245
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,290
Well, yes.
246
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:19,827
We did.
247
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:22,200
Well, I did.
248
00:22:22,374 --> 00:22:27,402
And I tried to
deceive you, and I'm slime.
249
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:34,012
And I guess you'll
probably want to leave now.
250
00:22:34,486 --> 00:22:38,582
I'm sorry. We can't
walk you to the door.
251
00:22:43,261 --> 00:22:47,027
Well, maybe we'll stay. As
long as you've learned your lesson.
252
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:51,192
Oh, yes, I have. I have, I have.
253
00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:55,201
Tell you what. Why
don't you guys sit down?
254
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,274
We'll go get the
cheese out of the trash.
255
00:23:07,919 --> 00:23:09,477
BALKl: Good night.
Bye-bye.
256
00:23:13,158 --> 00:23:15,592
Now, you see, those
were two nice ladies.
257
00:23:15,761 --> 00:23:19,629
They were not just interested
in our semi-hard bodies.
258
00:23:20,265 --> 00:23:23,564
They really liked our insides too.
- Yeah.
259
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,765
Why did you think they would
not like you for who you are?
260
00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:29,566
Oh, I don't know.
261
00:23:29,741 --> 00:23:31,504
I guess it's because in high school...
262
00:23:31,676 --> 00:23:36,010
...the cheerleaders always dated
the jocks instead of guys like me.
263
00:23:36,181 --> 00:23:40,015
I mean, the giris in
the Latin Club were fine.
264
00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:45,514
But just once, I
wanted a cheerleader.
265
00:23:46,658 --> 00:23:50,059
I mean, I really
wanted a cheerleader.
266
00:23:50,228 --> 00:23:54,995
I mean, I really
wanted a cheerleader.
267
00:23:55,467 --> 00:23:58,732
Cousin, calm down,
you're going to hurt yourself.
268
00:24:01,973 --> 00:24:03,463
Well, what do
you wanna do now?
269
00:24:04,142 --> 00:24:08,306
Well, we could watch TV.
- Who's gonna turn it on?
270
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:14,077
We could listen to a record.
- Stereo is way over there.
271
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:16,751
We could go to sleep.
272
00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:19,356
Good night.
273
00:24:30,068 --> 00:24:31,695
Ow.
274
00:24:31,745 --> 00:24:36,295
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