All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s07e05 box.eng

[sighs] Forget it.

It's impossible.

It's not gonna work
in a million years.

It's pointless.
I give up.

Good attitude, honey.

Well, you know,
what do you want from me?

I'm trying to get a group
of people to give me their land,

rather than sell it to Gryzzl
for $90 million.

Right now, my basic argument is,

"Please, give us the land.
It would be so nice."

Gryzzl has billions of dollars.
There's no way I beat them.

Hey, I've seen you beat
tougher odds than this.

But they're just a company,
they're not that powerful.

[phone dings]

Whoa!

"Open your door"?

Ah!

Oh, my God, Ben!
We're about to die.

- Good lord!
- Oh, my--

The robots have come for us.

I made fun of you
when you said it would happen

but your novel has come true.

Hey, Leslie Knope!

Please enjoy this free gift,

courtesy of Gryzzl.

Okay,
so they also have a squadron

of flying robots giving presents
to everyone.

We're screwed.

[triumphant music]

New dish we're working on.

Tell me what you think.

It's a red and white heirloom
red bean pasta,

with an imported
Tuscan walnut herb sauce,

infused with shaved heritage
Pecorino Romano.

What?
You're done?

Mmm.
Really good.

Why are you doing new dishes?

[groans]

Lucy is visiting her boyfriend
Conrad in Chicago,

so I'm just trying to distract
myself with work

so I don't think
about the marathon bone sesh

they're probably having.

Hey, you know what, dude?

You gotta take your mind
off of them.

Check this out.

It's a contract.

It came from the station manager
where I do my show,

Johnny Karate.
He wants me to sign it,

but is says that they'll own
the character, "Johnny Karate."

And I want to own the character
Johnny Karate, 'cause it's me.

Wait, this says they only pay
you a hundred bucks a week?

Yeah, but all I really do
is goof around all day.

Write, produce,
and direct a TV show.

Plus, I act in it,
and I do sets, props, wardrobe.

At the end, I drive everybody
home, so I mean,

a hundred bucks a week--
that's pretty fair.

This is perfect.
I'll be your agent!

I'll put all my energy into
renegotiating your contract.

I won't even think
about Lucy and Conrad

and his stupid crunches
that he probably does.

I should probably do some
crunches.

Let's go!

Ow!
Andy, my tum tum!

Knope, I need to talk to you.

What's up?

I know I technically work
for Gryzzl,

but these fools
have crossed a line.

Have you gotten one of these
GryzzlBoxes?

Well, yeah,
but I haven't opened it yet.

Planning on sending it back
after I wrote a sternly-worded

letter about how I cannot be
bought with free gifts.

These are my free gifts.

Two honey bears...

and a canister of sugar plums.

"Honeybear" and "Sugar Plum"
are the special names

Joe and I call each other.

Both: Aww.

Yeah, we're adorable,
but this is creepy.

Because we only call each other
these things

on the phone or in texts.

How do they even know?

Leslie, open that box
they sent you.

Ooh! Joe Biden's book,
"Biden the Rails:

1001 Poems
Inspired by My Travels

Through Amtrak's Northeat
Corridor."

- A thousand?
- [gasps]

A poster of the Supreme Court
Justices

sipping the Friends milkshake!

This stuff is perfect for me.

Yeah, exactly.
They must be data-mining.

Searching our texts and emails

and gathering profiles
on all of us.

This is a huge invasion
of privacy,

not to mention illegal.

When they installed their free
Wi-Fi in town,

I made sure that there was
language preventing this.

I never would have agreed
to work with them

if I had known they were gonna
be snooping in my biz.

Gryzzl is going down.

You wanna put me on blast?

I'ma put you on Front Street.

I don't understand what
that means,

but I think I get the context,
and I love it.

April, the new Parks interns
start today,

and I was wondering if you would
deliver a little welcome speech.

No, go away.

Watermelon, martinis, exposed
brick, Keri Russell's hair.

Why did you just say those
weird things?

On the advice of my therapist,
Dr. Richard Nygard,

whenever I feel like yelling,
I just take a deep breath

and say three great things
about being alive.

- Gross.
- Please talk to my interns.

Fine.
Whatever, I'll do it.

I started here when I was 20,

and now I'm old and gross
and directionless.

Those kids are me ten years ago,

and this internship
is the videotape from The Ring.

It's too late for me.
I've seen too much.

But maybe I can save them.

You're all gonna die in here!

Hello, everyone.

We are here today
to discuss Gryzzl,

and whether or not they
are invading our privacy.

They sent my husband
three boxes of genital cream

to his office.

My husband's splotchy genitals
are no one's business,

except for his, mine,
and his many genital doctors.

[applause]

They sent me a bunch of toy
pigs dressed like movie stars.

That's my private hobby.

No one knows I collect toy pigs
dressed like movie stars,

except now all of you people.

Which one is that?

This is actually
Ham-uel L. Jackson

from the movie, Pork Fiction,
it's extremely rare,

and I am keeping it.

But still, they no right to give
me something I will treasure

the rest of my life.

I opened my box
in front of all of my friends,

and it was a bunch
of Virginia Woolf novels.

Now Miley and Haley
know I like to read.

What if they tell Evan?

I like their phones,
but they've gone too far

sending this stuff
to our houses.

Gryzzl has no right
to search our private data.

So wait, you guys are not
against us on this?

We're not against you on this.

[chanting]
We're not against you on this.

All: We're not against you
on this.

Finally, after months
of searching for a way

to defeat Gryzzl, we have found
its Achilles' heel.

The town is behind us,
Donna is on our side,

and the next domino to fall?

Ron Swanson.

Actually, this is Tom Sell-oink,
but, you know, close enough.

Actually,
I'm gonna need that back.

Oh, yes, of course.

February 2016--I think
you're gonna really enjoy

this month's photo album.

It includes such hits as:
"First Trip to the Dentist,"

"Sonia Tries Pizza,"

and "Waterpark Vomit
Chain Reaction."

Why would you take pictures
of that?

- Why would you not?
- As you requested,

here's a picture of my son
at a recent moment in his life.

So cute--

What are you doing?
- Protecting my son's privacy.

What, I'm just gonna carry
around pictures of my child

where anyone could see them?

Well, it's funny you should
mention privacy

because that's our next topic.

Ron technically works
for Gryzzl.

And when he finds out
what Gryzzl is doing,

he is going to lose. His. Mind.

- I have no reaction to this.
- What?

I do not pass judgment
on the workings

of private businesses.

I just build their buildings.

And frankly,
if people are foolish enough

to carry around a doodad

that lets Gryzzl
track their every move,

this is what they get.

But it's illegal.

I don't believe that's true.

I've spent a fair amount of time

with Gryzzl's high-priced
lawyers,

and they do seem to,
as they say,

"keep it 100."

Well, those fools
still think I work for them.

So I can get you a private VIP
tour of the building.

Maybe you can snoop around.

Hey there, homies, I'm Roscoe.

Psyched to give you guys a tour.

Yes, hello,
I'm Darlene Johannsen,

and this is my
assistant-turned-lover,

Gregory Strong.

Ours is a new romance,
but one that sent shockwaves

through my architecture firm.

- But it feels so right.
- Steady.

We love Gryzzl, and we would
love to see how it all works.

Sweet.
Let's get loco.

Okay, so, let's get to know
each other.

Talk about why you're here,

whether you're throwing
your lives away,

stuff like that.

Uh, you, what brought you here?

I love the Parks department.

I grew up near Ramsett Park

and I used to go
to tons of stuff there.

Okay, that doesn't help me.

Uh, Mork?

Oh, it's Mike.

I love parks,
more than anything,

and I've been a summer camp
counselor since I was 13.

Ugh. Gross.

What about you?
Why are you here?

The only thing I love more
than parks is recreation.

Really?

No, I just needed college
credit.

What are you studying?

Nothing.
College is stupid.

Then who made you do this.

- My parents.
- What are they like?

Well, my mom's the devil
and my dad's a dumb doctor.

- Oh, my dad's a doctor.
- Shut up.

- Jen is it?
- Yeah.

Let's take a walk, Jen.

I feel like you have
almost zero potential.

I think that's cool.

And action!
[gong chimes]

We meet again,
Puppy-Hating Dan.

You stole my guitar.

And you put farts in my lunch.

[children laughing]

You've really done it this time.

Puppy Army, attack!

All: Yeah!

What? No!

I hate puppies.

I'll admit to everything.

You win again, Macklin.

Another mystery solved!

We'll be right back after this
with some more Johnny Karate.

Okay, that's lunch, everyone.

We're back in 30 minutes.

Great job, bud, you crushed it!

I love being Andy's agent.

He does all the work, and I get
10% just for showing up.

It's like a chef
at a restaurant,

making all the food, and then
the owner gets a profit--

which is my other job!
[chuckles]

Man, I really got things
figured out.

Let's make this quick.

Andy's show gets huge ratings
in three cities.

His GryzzlTube page
has millions of views.

If you don't Andy walking over
to your rival station

in Snerling, I think you should
start taking this seriously.

Right. Okay,
here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna upgrade
the parking spot.

But my son gets a role
as one of the kid ninjas.

All right?
He's gonna love me for it.

It's gonna drive
my ex-wife crazy.

So far, so good, but, uh,

in the words of Jerry Maguire--

- "The human head weighs
8 pounds."

No.
"Show me the money."

Andy, do you know how lucky
you are to work here?

I'm a kingmaker.

Pep Wiley, Chuck Warschank,
Selena Gomez--I made them.

You discovered Selena Gomez?

Different Selena Gomez.

Look, I don't have the money
for a raise.

Uh, yeah you do.
I've seen profit reports.

The show's a bonanza.
Andy starts making 500 a week.

Now.

Get the hell out of my office,
both of you--

- Sit down.
- I don't...

Look, dude, this internship
leads nowhere.

It'll just screw up
the rest of your life.

- What do you love doing?
- Texting.

What did you want to be when
you were little?

A scary mermaid that lures
sailors to their death.

Okay, side note,
I'm gonna file papers

to adopt you as my child,
so keep an eye out for that.

But more importantly,
don't do this internship.

Go do something fun

like trying to control birds
with your mind

or posting internet comments
as Michael Jackson's ghost.

Okay.
Maybe you're right.

Thanks.

Hey, April, we finished those
questionnaires you gave us

about our hopes and dreams
for the internship.

Great!
Thanks, Mike!

Oh, I'm sorry this building
is so lame.

As soon as we get our new
headquarters built,

it's gonna be way, way, tighter.

Check it.
Matty.

Okay, this is GryzzlVibe.

It's this new app
that we're developing

that monitors your mood.
Tell them about it.

As you know, the cameras
on your phones are always on,

whether you're using them
or not.

I'm sorry, they are?

This app uses facial
recognition software

to track your expressions.

It's always watching.

Well, what do you do
with this information?

Well, if the camera senses
that you're in a bad mood,

then we can geo-match you to,
say, the nearest cup

of sweet pick-me-up java.

But if you're in a good mood,
then we could geo-nudge you

to, like, a sweet coffee shop.
[chortles]

Just keep the good times
rolling.

So it's really just a coffee
sales app.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, we're developing
with Starbucks.

Yeah.

So, Roscoe, how does Gryzzl

know all the things
that someone wants?

Are you guys...I don't know,
whatever--data-mining?

Oh, hells yeah, dog-man.

Our super rad algorithm searches
all your texts, calls, banking,

medical records,
blah, blah, blah,

to learn what you really want.

You know, from snacks
to new books and movies

to when you ladies need to score
some new 'pons.

I mean, we might know you better
than you know yourself, Leslie.

How did you know it was me?

Oh, there's about
40 different ways.

I mean, geo-maps on your
different Gryzzl devices,

and, of course, we face-scanned
you when you came in.

Really glad you're here.

Okay, good.

Just 'cause we're competing
for the Newport land

doesn't mean that we can't be
friends.

- No.
- Isn't that your motto?

"Wouldn't it be tight
if everyone was chill

to each other?"

Totes.

And I hope that you can see now

that there's nothing scary
about Gryzzl.

I mean, we just wanna learn
everything about everyone

and track them wherever they go

and anticipate what they're
about to do.

These are really interesting
issues, Roscoe.

I think maybe we could debate
them, you know?

- On TV.
- TV. Retro.

I love it.
All right.

I'm gonna GryzzlPad out of here.

Later, chillerz.

This is The Perdples Court,

a legal debate show
about issues facing residents

of Southern Indiana.

With your host,
Judge Perd Hapley.

Tonight, on The Perdples Court,

we will have the guests
that have been booked

for tonight's show--

the plaintiff, Leslie Knope,
who has some big allegations

against Gryzzl.

The defendant,
Gryzzl Vice President

Roscoe Santangelo.

Who will win?
I don't know yet.

Which is what makes
this a court show.

We have public opinion
on our side,

and we have proof that Gryzzl
has been data-mining.

But there's one more thing
we need.

The one thing that Americans
respect more than anything else:

public humiliation
on live television.

Leslie, don't humiliate
yourself on television.

Swanson, what are you doing
here?

This is the 27th version
of the Pawnee-Gryzzl

free wireless internet thing
agreement.

Check out the page I marked.

Yeah, "Gryzzl is not allowed
to collect and use customer data

for any purpose."
It's pretty clear. See?

Look closer, amendment "C,"
addendum 14.

It directs you to this appendix,
which reroutes you to this one

which says, in a sub-footnote:

It says here
they can gather and use

any information they want.

How did I miss this?

Look at the revision date.

December 18, 2015.

That was the opening day
of Star Wars: Episode VII.

You were muttering that date
in your sleep for months.

They knew you'd be distracted.
That's how they slipped it in.

I did this to the town.

It's my fault.

It's Ice Town all over again.

Is Star Wars the one
with the little wizard boy?

Okay, this is what
I can give you.

No more janitorial duties,
better parking spot,

unlimited Mike and Ikes
from the vending machine,

and for salary,
we're at 500 a week.

500 whats?

Dollars, man.

What about the rights
to Johnny Karate?

We own the rights
to Johnny Karate

I can't bend on that one.

But I invented the character.

Well, invent another character.

Uh, here you go:
Kung-Fu Billy.

Jeremy Punch-Guy.

Ed Kick.

Those are actually pretty great.

But Johnny Karate
is special to me.

If we can't get the rights,
I'm gonna walk.

He's making the biggest
mistake of his life.

He's walking out on Hank Muntak?

I have six Lower Great Lakes
Emmy Awards.

I once sat in the original
Batmobile.

James Woods follows my niece
on Twitter.

He's gonna regret this.

All this work,
everything I've done

for this city,
it's all a wash now.

Everyone's gonna hate me again.

Some of us are already there,
Wyatt.

This is not your fault.
Ron, talk some sense into him.

Ben's right.
This is Ice Town all over again.

- I--
- Ron!

If you're gonna sign

a legally binding document,

you need to read it thoroughly.

That's why the only contract
I've ever signed

is my Mulligan's Steakhouse
club card.

And even then,
I used a fake name.

Les.

Les Vegetables.
[chuckles]

Don't worry, okay?

You're not gonna take the fall
for this.

Ron, make sure that Donna
doesn't hurt him.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, can you tell me where
Jennifer is?

I convincer her to quit.

[sighs]
Martha Stewarts apron line,

my tomato plants--
oh, God, I'm out!

Where is my emergency list?

Recently, I've been feeling

like I've wasted
the last ten years of my life,

and it all started
with this internship,

and I don't want those kids to
make the same mistake, okay?

April, you spent the last
ten years doing amazing things

with this Parks department,
and learning

from the greatest teacher
in this or any business,

Leslie Freaking Knope!

You'd be a checkout girl
at a gas station

if it wasn't for that
internship.

[sighs]

Sweet potato pie, unlikely
animal friend pairings,

Jennifer Love Hewitt.

You're lucky to have worked
here,

no matter what you want to do
with the rest of your life.

And I think you know that.

And now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go find a new intern.

Now Leslie, I understand
that what you've brought

to the show
isn't a box of objects

but rather a symbolic box
of allegations.

- Well, Perd--
- It's "Judge Perd."

Okay, uh, I think there are
certain questions

about certain aspects of certain
parts of this situation

that require an evaluation
about whether or not

this is or is not a valid
argument.

Extremely well-put.

Excuse me, Judge Perd?

I'm Ben Wyatt, City Manager.

What Gryzzl is doing with our
private information

may not technically be illegal,
but it's definitely not chill.

Whoa! That's a serious
allegaysh, homie.

We are hella chill.

And frankly,
if you don't like our vibe,

you don't have to use our shizz.

Well, we kind of do.

I mean, the internet
is no longer optional,

it's a necessity for everyone.

And I think you do know
that data-mining isn't chill,

because you snuck it
into the 27th update

of a 500-page user agreement.

A person should not have to have
an advanced law degree

to avoid being taken
advantage of

by a multibillion dollar
company.

You should be upfront
about what you're doing

and allow people the ability
to opt out.

To be honest, Judge Perd
is stumped by this case.

I've also misplaced
my judge hammer.

I cannot render a verdict here.

Therefore, I must declare
a mistrial, which is a term

I've heard people use
in the movies.

Tap, tap, tap.
Case ended.

And we're clear.

All right, later, dudes.

Hey, good news!
I think I found a job.

There was an opening

for a janitor at the TV station.

Get this--they're gonna pay me
the minimum wage.

Put your mop down, bud.

I got you the rights
to Johnny Karate.

No way!
How?

Just a great agent I guess.

Please, man, please!

Andy's my friend,
and I want to do a good job,

and there's this girl
I really like,

and she lives in Chicago,
and she's still dating someone,

- and I just feel like--
- Oh, God.

Do you want to eat
at my restaurant for free?

Every week, you could come once
a week, and it's free.

Okay, okay, fine.
J-just stop!

See?

I told you it was gonna
work out.

That's actually really good
advice for anything.

If there's something
that you want badly,

you just have to believe
that it's gonna work out.

Hey, I am sorry that I screwed
up your life.

I found a bunch of new potential
interns to replace Jen.

All: Hi.

How'd you manage that?

I just thought,
"What would Leslie do?"

So I handed out flyers
and I canvassed the college.

I even baked a bunch of cookies.

It was weird, I actually enjoyed
finding them.

And I enjoyed bullying Jen
into quitting.

Hmm. You should add
"telling people what to do"

to your "perfect job"
description.

Good idea.

You should up your therapy
to seven times a week,

stop dressing that way,
and give me your wallet.

Victor Garber, James Garner,
Jennifer Garner.

I go alphabetical now.

Hey, you're back!
How was the trip?

It was okay.
Kind of weird.

Oh. Weird couple of days
for me too.

Closed a bunch of deals,
did a bunch of crunches...

- Yeah, I broke up with Conrad.
- [gasps]

Which was a long time coming,
but still weird.

So yeah, uh,
do you want to talk about it?

Thanks. I don't think I'm
ready to discuss it just yet.

But what I would like to do
is have a glass of wine

and talk about that shade
Nicki Minaj

threw at Jesse Eisenberg
at the BAFTA awards.

- Mm. He deserved it.
- No. he didn't!

Uh, settle in,

because I have some very strong
feelings about this.

[thunder rumbling]

[sighs] They're all down.

Thank God.
Sometimes I think they're

somehow the first humans
who don't need sleep.

Look, this Gryzzl thing,
it's complicated.

But this isn't Ice Town.

You have done so much
for this town,

and people know that.

I'm just sorry we couldn't
find something

illegal on Gryzzl.

If we're gonna stop them,
and you're gonna beat them

on the Newport land,
we need more ammo.

[doorbell dings]

We need to talk.

What is that?

This is a flying robot
I just shot out of the sky

after it delivered a package
to my house.

I thought you didn't like
to pass judgment on business--

- The package was addressed
to my son,

who is four years old,

and does not own
a Gryzzl doodad.

Somehow the robots looked
at Diane's computer

and learned something about my child

and then brought him a box of presents,

so I destroyed the robot.

[metal clatters]

No one is safe from these bastards.

Tell me what to do, Leslie.

[thunder rumbles]

I wanna help you take them down.

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