All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s07e02 Ron & Jammy.eng

[Sighs]

Knopey, my girl, what up?

- I just farted.
- Oh, Jeremy.

I truly thought that
I would never have

to interact with you again.

I missed you too.

The city council is voting

on whether to rezone

the Newport land
for commercial use.

If I win, stupid Gryzzl
and stupid Ron

can't build anything there,
and then I'm sitting pretty.

Sadly, the deciding vote
is from my old city council mate

and human equivalent of
gas station Sushi, Jeremy Jamm.

So I am here to talk to you
about why you should vote "No"

- in the zoning issue--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up, little chica.

Before we go any further,
I need to ask my girlfriend

how she wants me to vote.

Why?
Who's your girlfriend?

Hello, Leslie.

Tammy!

[Triumphant music]

Wow, Jamm and Tammy.
Jammy.

- [Both laugh]
- Jammy.

You guys are so cute.
When did you--

why would either one of you,
uh, you know, why?

Dear God, why?

Hit it off at karaoke.

She saw me nail
Gangsta's Paradise.

- I saw her bite the door guy...
- [Chuckles]

She then let me buy her
a bunch of purses,

- and the rest is history.
- A bunch.

Wait a second,
this is great news,

because Ron is my opponent
in this,

and you live to torture Ron.

Vote for me

so that you can screw Ron over.

Maybe you're not
a blonde bimbo after all.

- Thank you.
- Well, let me mull it over.

Sure, I'm aligning myself
with terrible people,

but think
of all the wonderful people

who will benefit
from a national park!

It's worth it,
and you can trust my opinion

because I have a lot to gain
by being right,

and I have severe tunnel vision
about achieving my goals.

Joan, on behalf of the entire
city, congratulations.

I do want to apologize for not
being able to accommodate

- some of your requests.
- Oh.

For example,
we couldn't get a bottle

of Chateau Marmont
because it's a hotel

in Los Angeles, not a wine.

Well, did you at least get
buddy holly to sing?

No, because he's been
famously dead for 60 years.

- What?
- Hi, Joan.

Hi, my name is April,
and I'm your biggest fan,

- and I pretty much hate everyone.
- Oh.

Will you sign
your ninth memoir for me?

Well, it would be my pleasure.

You said your name was Glenn?

- Yes, I did.
- That's pretty.

Joan has always been
kind of a train wreck,

but the last three years,
she's gone off the deep end.

She did a string of shows
from rehab.

Victoria Herzog,
you were a successful attorney

from Wilmington, Delaware.

Then you hit rock bottom.

This is supposed to be
anonymous.

She once gave every member
in her audience a car.

One car, that they all
had to fight for.

Oh, and last year she did a show

where she called
all of her ex-boyfriends

while sitting
on a washing machine.

Well, Erik,
if you didn't give it to me,

then who did?

I love her so much.

I hope she's my real mom.

"Entrepreneur-bachelor
Tom Haverford

"is making quite a splash
in the culinary world.

We expect even bigger things
from him in 2018."

Tom, what does "culinary" mean?

Means this is a cause
for celebration.

Round of drinks for everyone
on the house.

Yeah!

Oh, let me also get
a chicken parm

and a lasagna on the side.

And a spaghetti to go.
On the house!

Yes.
[Applause]

[Groans]

That's the fourth engagement
this month.

I'm tired of being
an entrepreneur/bachelor.

I need to find someone.

Are you bummed, Tom?

Hey, I got a quick fix for that.

Let's get hammered.

Everything here is free.

Ron.

Ms. Knope.
How's that $0 bid coming along?

You know, in my experience
with capitalism,

people normally expect money
in exchange

for their goods and land.

In my experience
with buttfaces, you are one.

[Gavel bangs]

We will now hear arguments
about the Newport property.

First, on behalf of Gryzzl,
Mr. Ron Swanson.

[Music plays]
Thank you, councilman.

When you vote tomorrow,
we believe you should vote

to rezone the land
for commercial use.

Well, I'm convinced.
Tomorrow I'm voting for Gryzzl.

What?

I didn't even get a chance
to say my plan.

Your plan?

You know who else had a plan?

Please don't say Hitler.

- Adolf Hitler.
- [Sighs]

I'm with Swanson.

It's a stache thing.
Stache bros.

You wouldn't understand.

We're done here.

Well, that was easy.

What the hell just happened?

[Applause]

Thank you, Commissioner Gordon,

people of Gotham.

Okay, she thinks
she's in Batman.

People often ask me,
"Joan, how do you do it?"

It's simple.

I love being on TV.

I've known
what I've wanted to do

since I was ten years old.

That is the key
to living a good life.

If you don't absolutely love
what you do with a true passion,

then what's the point
in doing it at all?

On a separate note,

I think that America
should have a purge night.

Let me explain why.

Do I even like my job?

I must be the first person ever

to have money, power,
and notoriety

- but still feel empty.
- [Scoffs]

I need someone to share
my life with.

What if your future wife is
somebody that you already know?

Let's open your Gryzzl page.
[Beep]

What about her?
She's cute.

- Date her.
- That's my cousin.

Oh. How about her?

That's my dad!
What's wrong with you?

I'm drunk, okay?

Why are you only friends
with your family?

Ooh, look,
you just got a message

from somebody named Lucy
in Chicago.

She looks familiar.

Yeah, we used to date.
I was super into her.

No, that's not it.
Was she in Destiny's Child?

"Hey, Tom.
Saw the article, you boss!

Let's catch up soon.
Miss you."

[Chuckles]
Do you realize what's happening?

We have been sitting here

searching for your soul mate
this whole time,

and then Lucy just
Gryzzl-texts you out of nowhere?

It's a sign,
and we have to catch it.

We are going to Chicago.

Andy, think about what
you're saying right now,

'cause it's the smartest idea
anyone's ever had.

- Let's go!
- Yeah!

Ron, what did you do?

I delivered
a flawless presentation

and secured tomorrow's vote.

No, you got all sneaky
and snuck around

and snooked that vote away
from me.

And I know this because earlier
I sneaked and snooked around,

and Jammy was supposed
to vote for me.

The snooker has become
the snorked.

What are you talking--
[Sniffs]

She's near.

Hey, Ron.

Tammy.

So you two are together now.

- My condolences to both of you.
- Mm.

You guys
were supposed to vote for me.

Leslie, I would never
do anything to help you.

You've always been
against me and Ron.

You're a big part of the reason
that he and I aren't together

and I had to settle
for this placeholder.

- I love you so much.
- [Sighs]

So you thought
if you voted for Ron,

you could actually win him back?

Yeah, that's right.

Did it work, baby?

Are you horny with gratitude?

[Laughs]

You two more than deserve
each other.

Good luck.
[Whistles]

The vote is tomorrow.

If I don't get Jamm
out from Tammy's clutches,

I'm doomed!

It's like rescuing a bunny
from a lion,

but that lion is
a demonic sociopath

with really nice cleavage.

All right, we're here.

Sir, where the hell are we?

Chicago.

That'll be $830.

- Oh, no.
- [Laughs]

- This is so dumb.
- Awesome!

Turn the car around.
We're going back home.

No way.
Pay me.

And get the hell out of my cab.

Pay the man.

Chicago!

The Big Apple!

- Well, that's where Lucy works.
- Yeah.

Must have given the cabbie
the address.

Let's just get something to eat
and fly home.

What? No!
We came all this way.

Tom, we should at least say hi.

No. You can't not talk to
someone for five years and then

show up unannounced where
they work in a different city.

That's what murderers do
before they murder someone.

Tom?

I thought that was you.
What are you doing here?

Oh, uh--

You're not going
to murder me, are you?

No.
I'm here doing stuff, um--

Lucy, hey.
Andy Dwyer.

- Remember me?
- Yeah.

He's here helping me
find a place to live.

I just got a job here,

and then when you hit him up
on Gryzzl,

he was like,
"Let's go say hi to Lucy

since we're already here
in Chicago."

Yeah.
That's the deal.

Cool.
What job is it?

Head coach of the Chicago Bulls.

No, he's, uh,
working at a nonprofit.

No, what?
Am I?

Aw, that sucks.

Well, um, listen,
I got some stuff I got to do

in the office,
but I want to hang out.

Do you want to meet me here
in, like, an hour?

Yeah.
That sounds great.

We'll, uh, got get a little

[Chicago accent]
Chicago deep dish pizza

- and go watch the Bears.
- No.

[Normal voice]
I'm sorry I started doing that.

[Humming]

Hey, April.
How's it going?

Fine.

Except hearing Joan
talk about her passion

and doing what you really love,

like, totally freaked me out.

Eight years ago,
I accepted a random internship

at the Parks Department,

and then Leslie told me
to do a bunch of stuff,

and now I'm executive director
of regional whatever--

I don't even know what it means,

and I never even asked myself
if I even really like it.

I mean, it's like
what is my purpose in life?

What do I even care about?

My insides are dying.

So, not fine.

I don't know what to do.
I have to quit.

To do what?

I'm just gonna go
live under a bridge

and ask people riddles
before they cross.

Okay, hold on.

Do you remember what Joan said
at the ceremony?

That is doesn't count
as stripping

if no one pays you?

Yes, she did say that, but no.

She knew she wanted to be on TV
when she was ten.

So what did you want to be
when you were ten?

It says here
the future of caskets

may just be
biodegradable plastic.

Oh, you don't say.
Hey, are you chilly?

I'm a little chilly, I think.

- No.
- Hey, guys.

Welcome.
I'm Dan.

Hi, I'm Ben.
This is April.

And I'm scared of death.

I'm just really interested
in learning what you do.

You're gonna love it here.

People are dying to get in.
[Chuckles]

Come on, come on.

We'll start
down at the cadaver chute.

The cadaver chute.
Come on!

So this is where
you want to eat lunch?

In a steakhouse?

Don't you have
irritable bowel syndrome?

God, I hate that I know that.

Yeah, it's murder
on the old plumbing,

but, uh, Tammy only wants me
to eat steak and whiskey.

She has my stool analyzed
just to keep me honest.

I don't think this
relationship is that healthy.

I mean, it seems like Tammy
is trying to turn you into Ron,

and you're Jeremy Jamm,
I mean, come on.

You love Porsches
and spiked iced tea,

and you have
a Hooters platinum card.

Yeah, Tammy doesn't really
let me do that stuff anymore.

But, uh, you know, it's good,
you know?

I'm better now.

I mean, sure, I'm depressed,

and, uh, I'm constantly sick,

and nothing
really brings me joy,

but it just feels right.

[Sobbing]
Oh, God.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, help me, Knope.

Oh, I used to be so great.

Remember?
Everybody thought so.

- Well--
- [Sobbing]

- Oh, God.
- Wow.

- This is worse than I thought.
- [Exhales]

You're broken.
She has broken you.

You need to get away from her.

Oh, God. Whoa, hey.
Look at that.

More hair came out.
[Laughing]

[Sobbing]

Yeah, I think you're really
going to like it here.

And obviously everyone's
in a really great mood now

because of the Cubs
winning the series.

Yeah, it seems really nice.

I mean, I am gonna miss
Pawnee, though.

My wife's there,
for crying out loud.

Yeah, tell me about Pawnee.

It sounds like
it's really changed.

Oh, yeah.
There's a ton of new businesses.

Gryzzl came in.

They gave everyone free tablets
and wi-fi and phones.

You can watch Hitch 2
anytime, anywhere.

Finally, that's the dream.

Part of me wants
to go back, you know?

I always kind of liked it there.

Man, you got me
really missing Pawnee now.

I don't know what to do.
Am I making the right decision?

[Groans]

Hey.

- Why are you here?
- I'm calling a temporary truce.

You need to help me
break up Jamm and Tammy.

Forget it.

You just want Jamm
to switch his vote.

What is this,
revenge for Morningstar?

No, it is not about that.

It is not about the vote.

There is a guy in real trouble,

and you might be
the only one who can help him.

This is
about saving someone's soul.

He is a monster.
Monsters do not have souls.

Uh, have you ever seen
Monsters, Inc.?

- No.
- Damn it, Ron.

Engage in the culture
once in a while.

Jamm, get in here.

Good God, man.
What happened to you?

Tammy happened to him!

Remind you of anyone, Ron?

We need to put our issues aside

and defend
this miserable person.

Jeremy, this is a gold bar.

You keep that in your desk?

I will give you this gold bar

if you say one
unflattering thing about Tammy.

If I do...

does Tammy get to keep the gold?

Oh, my God.

When it comes to Tammy,

the code is the same as that
of the battlefield:

First, you leave no man behind.

Second, you must
protect yourself

against chemical warfare.

Tammy does not abide
by the Geneva convention.

I made
this Tammy de-programming kit

in case I ever fell victim
to her again.

First, this is a chastity belt
that I made by hand.

It might be a couple sizes
too big for you,

but you can just pad it.

The first step
is to cut out all sex.

That won't be necessary.

We haven't done the deed yet.

She lets me rub up
against her leg sometimes.

Well, all the more reason
to wear it.

She knows she has that card
left to play,

and you best believe she will.

We're also gonna try
a Pavlovian technique.

Ron is holding
Tammy's perfume, Girth.

Oh.

Oh, smells good.
Oh!

Again.

Tammy.
Oh!

How many times
are we gonna do this?

Until the bottle is empty.
Again.

Twice.

Tam--
Ahh!

Ahh!

It's going well so far,

but it's too early to tell.

- Oh.
- He was pretty far gone.

[Whimpers]

Hopefully we get
a body in today,

so I can show you guys
the really fun part:

Draining.

Oh, God.
I hate this so much.

Cool.
Can I touch a dead body?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, eager beaver.

That doesn't happen
for at least a year.

Why?
How did you become a mortician?

Can't I just sign up?

Oh, gosh, no.

You need two years of school

and a year-long apprenticeship.

First few years
are mostly paperwork and filing.

Ugh! Why is every job
just paperwork?

Hey, it's a living.
[Chuckles]

Yeah, I think
we're just gonna go, Dan.

Um, the reality of your life
is incredibly depressing.

I'm just gonna stay
at my current job

until I get old and die
and then end up here

being embalmed by some weirdo

who had to go to school
for three years

just to cut my guts open.

- Let's go.
- Oh, thank God.

Okay.
Have a good one.

Okay, we're gonna do some scenes

and demonstrate ways
that you can resist Tammy.

I will play Tammy.
Ron will play you.

[Imitating Tammy]
Hey there, horsey.

Time to mount up
and ride on into Bonertown.

What do you say we get stanky
in that pet store bathroom?

- Huh, Jamm? Hmm? Huh? Huh?
- Do it.

There will be
no sex today, Tammy.

Oh.

Instead, why don't you go
into the pet store

and feed yourself to the snakes?

To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.

Hey, you big hunk
of wiener meat.

I've got 40 handtowels,
some energy bars,

and a Chinese finger trap.

Let's get gross.

This gambit has failed.

To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.

What are you wearing?

It's a crotch-blinder
of my own design.

In this scenario, she will be
coming at you pants-less.

Okay.

Doors are locked.
Window is secured.

There is no way
Tammy's getting in here.

Jamm.

Strip down, you sex maggot.

And hold!

What was your mistake?

You didn't check the armoire.

Tammy once camped out
in my attic

for six days
awaiting my arrival.

She survived on rats
and rainwater.

Let's run it again!

I gotta say, hanging out
with Lucy's been so fun.

She's the best.

And I love
that she's buying us stuff.

Dude, make your move.
Ask her out.

I don't know.
She lives here.

- How would it even work?
- Life is about taking risks.

Look at me, Tom.
I'm moving to Chicago.

It's just us right now.

Do you really think
you're moving here?

One double XL, one kid's XL.

- Hey, you remembered my size.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hey, Lucy,
can I ask you something?

Of course.
What's up?

I was wondering,

would you want to maybe...

come work for me in Pawnee?

I have the company,
and it's growing so fast.

I can't do it all myself,
and I need a manager,

and you're a perfect candidate.

Wow.
Really?

That does sound kind of awesome.

And it'd be super fun
to work with you.

I mean, I have to talk to my
boyfriend about it first, but...

Yeah, of course!

This is all perfect,

and everything's worked out
just as I'd hoped.

[Chuckles]

Hey, this is why
they call it Beantown, huh?

Hey, Jere-bear.

What are you doing
with these two jabronis?

Tammy, I've given this
a lot of thought.

We should break up.

[Laughs]

What's the matter, little boy?

Did the bad people get to you?

They just made me realize how
unhealthy this is, literally.

All the steak and whiskey--
I have to wear a diaper.

That's 'cause
you're my widdle baby.

We drilled you on this, Jamm.

Baby talk, what do you do?

I'm not a baby.
I'm a big boy!

Yeah, okay. That--
well, that wasn't terrible.

Don't listen to Leslie.
She's trying to manipulate you.

All she cares about is herself,
and I can prove it.

How's this, Leslie?

You leave us alone,
and we swing the vote to you?

Help you get your park.

No. Nice try.

Stay strong, Jeremy.

- It's over, Tammy.
- Tell you what.

It's been long enough.

What do you say we
consummate our relationship...

- tonight?
- [Breathing heavily]

Huh?
Let's do it.

[Chuckles]
And the last card is played.

- What are you doing?
- Shh! This is a library.

Do you see
what's happening here?

Ron, I need
that crotch-blinder.

No, you don't.
Just end it.

[Exhales deeply]

- Look at my boobs.
- No.

- Look downstairs.
- No.

There's a prize inside for you.

It's over, Tammy.

What?

To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.

How dare you?
Are you kidding me?

You'll be back!
They all come back!

- Well done, Jeremy.
- [Screaming]

Turns out the crotch-blinder
was inside you all along.

Everybody,
who wants to get it on?

I'm naked!

Donna, what do I do?

If working around corpses
isn't even right for me,

then nothing is.

I feel totally lost.

- Saturn's return.
- What?

Saturn's orbit around the sun
takes roughly 29 years,

and when it gets back to where
it was when you were born,

lots of turmoil,
self-discovery.

When I was your age,

I got banned
from every riverboat in Germany.

Donna, April,
what are you up to?

Oh, you know,
just regionally directing

the Midwest whatever
of who cares.

Oh, isn't it great?

Can you believe
that they pay me for this?

Because I would do this
for free.

Aw, jeez!

[Chuckles]
I do miss you, Terry.

Let me get you some napkins.

April, you looked
at one horrifying job.

I've got a few more ideas.

We'll find you
something you like, okay?

Okay.

But you can't tell Leslie
I might leave.

She'll have a heart attack.
Promise?

I promise.

Why are you
so into helping me right now?

Because I'm finally doing
what I love,

and I know how hard it is
to get to that place.

And I want you to be happy
because you're my friend.

No, I'm not.
I've never cared for you.

Wait, wait.

You're behaving very strangely.

Saturn's return.

Hey, Brokemons.

I just wanted to let you know

that I will be abstaining
from the vote today.

You are
my two all-time best friends,

and you brought me back
from the brink,

so I can't choose sides.

Although if I had to pick
one side, it would be

Lucy Liu's backside.

[Laughs]

Without Jamm,
the vote's two-two.

This was all for nothing.

I thought it was very big of you

to not bend when Tammy
promised you the vote.

Well, I thought it was very big
of you to help him at all.

You didn't have to do that.

Okay, back to work to figure out
how to destroy you.

Same. Good bye.

Dude, thank you so much for this.
I really owe you one.

No, you don't.

You're smart and qualified
and we're totally lucky to have you.

Okay, let's do this.

Still don't know what claiming
allowances means. I always put 6.

- So far so good.
- Dude, you are totally going to jail.

This couldn't have worked out any better.

There was a guy eating lunch in here
who didn't finish his spaghetti.

Oh, also, Tom and Lucy
are totally going to fall in love!

Five second rule!

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