All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e20 One in 8,000.eng

So what do we got so far?
We need big-ticket items.

I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers

to send us a signed guitar.

That's great, April.
How'd you do that?

It's a long story,
but the short version is,

I'm currently catfishing
Anthony Kiedis.

We're throwing
a charity auction to raise money

for the unity concert,

and we're gonna need it too,

if I'm gonna perform
Islands In the Stream

with a Sacagawea hologram.

Plus, we need
lights, generators,

microphones, water,
that boring stuff too.

Why don't we put a pin in this?

'Cause we have to do that thing.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, okay.

- All right, yep.
- Just, like--

Everybody, keep working.
We'll be back.

Andy, hey, you haven't told
anyone about the baby, right?

No, but my brain
is about to explode from stress.

I am not good
at keeping secrets.

That's exactly what I told Kyle
when he told me

his wife was cheating on him.

- Andy, come on!
- Ah! See? Oh!

- Not cool, man.
- Not him, not that Kyle.

Okay, we are going to have
a doctor's appointment,

and then after that,
we can probably tell people.

So just hang in there, please.

I can do this. People do this.
People keep secrets.

My neighbor Eric--
he's kept a secret for 20 years.

He's in Witness Protection.

Okay.

[Triumphant music]

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes.

I need to ask you for a...

favor.

[Shouts] What?
Ron Swanson asking for help?

Keep your voice down, woman!

Part of the unity concert
is a youth revue

about the history of Pawnee.

They require volunteers,
so I want you

to come with me
to my daughters'...

public elementary school

to help make costumes.

The elementary school.

I'll do you this solid,
but you're gonna have

to keep an eye out
for my ex-boyfriend Joe.

He teaches music at that school,
and he is a nightmare.

- He's my Tammy.
- Your Tammy?

Donna, my two ex-wives are
the worst people in the world.

Tammy two once seduced a coroner

and had me declared legally dead

just so she could get a discount
on a plane ticket.

When I'm with Joe,

he turns me into a person
I don't like or recognize.

I go insane.

All I'm asking is for you
to keep him away from me.

I understand this problem well

and agree
to this exchange of services.

We need to raise
a minimum of $30,000

from the auction, or else the
concert's gonna be in trouble.

What else can we auction off?
What about those fish?

Think they're valuable?
Cover me.

Maybe you should start
taking it easy.

You're stressing out
for two now.

Hmm, that's actually
a pretty decent t-shirt idea.

Babe, I cannot slow down.

The concert is in three weeks.

Look, I feel fine,
and if you're worried,

we can just ask Dr. Saperstein
what he thinks.

Someone say "Saperstein"?
Come on, you two.

Let's saddle you up
and put some jelly on the belly.

- He's a little weird.
- Mm-hmm.

- Look at me!
- Jeez.

Okay, here's what's
happening--I want to auction off

a personalized
Johnny Karate song tomorrow,

so I need you to come
to the auction.

[Sighs] Auction?

Okay, yeah.
Let me write that down.

Andy, you already have three
Johnny Karate shows tomorrow.

No, not according
to my file here.

Oh, I forgot, other hand.
Crap.

Okay, we need a better system.

Look, I'll just write down
an itinerary for you,

so you can just focus on songs.

Okay, well, you have
to catalog all this stuff.

I mean,
this is hours' worth of work.

What is that?
"Don't tell secret"?

Oh, no, that's not one.

Andy, if you have a secret,
you have to tell me.

That's the whole point
of marriage.

You get twice the secrets.

Dude, it is nothing.
I don't have anything.

I'm not acting weird.

You're acting weird.
Excuse me.

I have to get back to work now.

[Breathing heavily]

[Saw whirring]

What are you doing?

I'm getting a picture of you

volunteering
at a public elementary school

in case I ever need
to blackmail you.

That's Joe, 12:00.

Donna, how are you?

- It's really nice to see you.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you so much
for helping out.

These kids are so lucky to have
your fashion expertise.

Hello, Joe.
My name is Ron Swanson.

I am Donna's
work-proximity associate.

Oh, my gosh, Donna has told me
so much about you.

It's nice to put a face
to the name.

Mm-hmm.
[School bell rings]

Well, I gotta get back
to my classroom.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, Ron.

And if either of you guys
need anything at all today,

please do not hesitate
to ask, okay?

- I'm onto you, friend.
- What?

Tread lightly.

Okay.

Now, Ben wants me to slow down,

but I have this huge project
coming up,

and slowing down
isn't really my jam.

Your body is going
through some changes,

but you're a healthy gal,
right, Leslie?

There is no reason for you
not to be yourself.

[Laughs] I win.

- It wasn't a competition.
- All right.

Let's see what's going down
in baby town.

[Beep]
[Leslie and Dr. Saperstein gasp]

There's your healthy baby.

Oh, wow.

Oh, and there's another one.

The baby has two bodies?

Twins.
Ben, we're having twins.

[Laughs]

No, you're not, 'cause look
who's hiding over here.

Triplets?
Triplets?

And here's a fourth.
I'm so sorry, no.

It's a little fleck
of cream cheese on the screen.

- [Sighs]
- Just triplets.

Wow, you guys really dodged
a bullet.

Can you imagine raising
four children at one time?

Ha, a nightmare.

- Triplets.
- Triplets.

I can't believe it.

We knocked it out of the park
on the first try.

If we do this right,
we can be parents

to 1/3 of the supreme court!

- This is insane.
- This is amazing.

I always knew
we were one in a million,

and now we got the proof!

Well, actually, one in 8,000.

Triplets occur a lot more
frequently than you imagine,

- especially at your age.
- Oh.

Your body is prone
to releasing multiple eggs.

It's what we doctors
like to call--

and I don't mean
to be insensitive--

a going-out-of-business sale.

So, doctor, um,
what do we--

like, what do we do?
Like, what do we do?

Um, how do we--
how--how--how--

how--
what do we do?

The first thing you do is,
you forget everything

that I said before
because you, young lady,

need a lot of rest
and especially avoiding stress.

Leslie, I need you to be
Buddha on quaaludes,

and, Ben, you are

Matthew McConaughey in a hammock
on the beach.

All right, all right.
All right.

This is insane.
Three kids?

I just multiplied all
our future expenses by three,

and you know what happened?

The numbers got a lot higher.

I think I heard the computer
laugh at me.

And Saperstein wants us
to relax?

Are you ready to go,
my gentle dove?

Oh, I will be there in
two flaps of a butterfly's wing,

and I love you.

We are so [bleep] screwed.

- [Crying]
- Uh-oh.

What did you do now, Joe?

Thank you so much.

We thought we were gonna have
to tell Dylan

that his doggie
was gone forever.

Oh, my gosh.

Barbara, don't even mention it.

Look, I hate it
when my students are upset,

so I just went out,
driving around.

I checked
a few neighborhood parks.

It took barely six hours.

Oh, how can we ever repay you?

No need.
Would you like a muffin?

I made them last night.

It's the best muffin
I've ever had.

You're welcome, guys.

You're welcome. Oh.
[Patting on the back]

So whose birthday is it anyway?

Oh, who knows?

I got so many kids
from different women,

I just get all of
their birthdays out of the way

one day a year.

Ladies.
[Clears throat]

Okay, so when this ends,

we have a half hour
to get to the next party.

That gives us
15 minutes of travel time

and 15 minutes for you to take
a wet-nap shower in the car.

- Good, I need one.
- Also, tell me your secret.

Babe, don't make me tell.
I don't wanna break my promise.

Tell me now.

Oh, jeez, this is heavy.
Pardon me.

It's about Larry.

He is very sick.
He has some kind of disease.

Oh, so that's why
you've been so nice to him

and let him carry
all your stuff.

Yes, that's the reason.
Good call, babe.

[Clatter]

Jeez.

Poor guy.

Hello, everyone.

Thank you all for coming to
this wonderful and calm event.

Our first item up for bid is
two all-access V.I.P. passes

to the unity concert.

Let's start the bidding at $40.

Do I hear 40?

Thank you. 40.
We can beat this. 50.

Anyone for 50?
$50. Thank you, sir.

Terrific.

Any higher?
No?

Well, that's fine.

We're all just
calm and happy people

enjoying ourselves together
on earth.

Sold for $50.
How magnificent.

Leslie, that's less
than face value.

You need passion,
zeal, showmanship.

I don't have the gavel,
so I'm powerless.

I respect the hierarchy
of the auction!

I think
Leslie's doing a great job.

Thank you, Craig.
Hey, are you doing all right?

- Yeah.
- You want to do some tai chi?

- No, I'm doing really fine.
- Okay.

Leslie is already
the queen of stress,

so I have to be like
her stress shamwow.

I wrap myself around her,
I soak up all of her stress,

and then
after the kids are born,

someone can squeeze me out
into a bucket.

- Ron!
- Ron!

Ron, play with us!

- Okay.
- Ron, play with us.

Girls, Ron's got
sharp tools now.

- Oh, Ron!
- Ladies.

All: # feet are very quiet #

That was well played.

Children their age respond
positively to melody and rhyme.

They are great girls.

You must feel very lucky
to be their stepdad.

I do, indeed.

If you'll excuse me, Joe,

I have to finish hogging out
the cheeks on these lap joints.

Oh, maybe you could use
this jig I made.

It's just
a hardwood clamping block

connected to a small piece
of hackberry.

You could use it to locate your
cuts for the inside shoulder...

Both: Without having to reset
the fence.

Exactly.
[Laughs]

Muffin?

Thirsty there, big guy?

Well, jeez, yes.
Thank you so much.

Do you remember the time
when you put sleeping pills

in my soda?

I fell right over in the middle
of a town hall meeting.

Mm, no.
I don't remember that.

You made a video of it and
showed it at my birthday party.

Yes, it went over really big.

Well, I'm sorry.

Is there anything I can do
to make it up to you?

That's very sweet.

Yeah, um, I have got an itch

that I have not been able
to get to all day,

and even against the wall,
nothing will do it.

- Would you mind doing that?
- No, not at all.

Just--if you could, like--
okay, go up.

Go up the back.
[Groans]

Hey, Ben.

Can I just please tell
just April?

I am hanging on by a thread
over here.

No, just--look,
everyone's healthy and fine,

but it's complicated.
There's a lot going on.

So just don't say anything
to anyone

about anything forever, okay?

[Larry grunting]

Andy?

You can say "Okay."

Okay. Bye.

I didn't mean to say "Bye."

Our next item up for bid
is the naming rights

for our children's tent,

so let's start the bidding
at $1,000, please.

I'll bid 100 bucks.

1,000?
Anyone want to--

Oh, thank you, madam.

A very wealthy
and elegant-looking woman

with a diamond-encrusted
eye patch just raised her hand.

Don't look at her.

She doesn't like attention,
but she's there.

She's real.
So do I hear 2,000?

Ooh, yeah, here we go.

The sheik has thrown his hat
into the ring.

- Well...
- There's no sheik.

It looks like we've got
a real bidding war between...

There's no bidding war.
No one's talking...

- An elegant--
- 'Cause there's no sheik,

and there's no old lady
with a diamond--

what is it, a diamond eye patch?

- 3,000, says the gentleman...
- There's no 3,000.

With the crazy hat
and a monkey on his shoulder.

- It's 100 bucks. It's my bid.
- That is outrageous.

That's the only bid out there
right now.

Naming rights for the kids' tent
go to Jamm Orthodontics

for 100 smackers.

Now that is
the steal of the day.

I think it's going great.
You want a head massage?

Okay.

So, um, Andy told me
what's going on.

Really?
Oh.

I was trying
to keep it hush-hush.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Well, if you ever need to talk
to anyone, I'm here for you.

Or, like, you know, I'm here,
standing near you.

Well, earlier today, I was
licking icing off of my finger,

and then, boom,
I swallow my wedding ring.

And I wish I could say
it was the first time, but--

Wait, wait, wait.

So you're not, like, dying?

No, no, no, I mean,

can it be painful?

Sure, but the good news is,

I've gotten very good
at passing it.

It's just a matter
of getting out the old colander.

Come on, Pearl, jump in.

Don't make me pull the permits
on your rental units.

Hey, all the paperwork
on those buildings

are under my dog's name,

so if you got a problem,
take it up with Princess.

Honey, why don't you take
a whale-sounds break, okay?

I'll finish this up.

Guys, come on, now.

This is signed
by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Just think
about all their great songs,

covering everything
from the culture

of Southern California

to drug use
in Southern California.

- I'll bid 30 bucks.
- Okay.

This is easily worth $500.
Come on.

Please, anyone.

We're just trying to raise
some money for this concert,

- so no one gets stressed out.
- Fine.

50 and another win
for Old Herman.

Why would you erase
the signatures?

I'm more of a Jack Johnson guy.

Okay, give it back.

If you want it so bad,
bid on it.

I don't like
the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

It's not even
the original lineup.

- Give it back!
- [Grunts]

[Screams] Ben!

It's okay. I'm fine.
Stay relaxed.

Oh, my God,
there's blood everywhere.

Call a doctor!
No, call a coroner!

It just got insane!

You have very weak hands.

Why would you say that?

Just making an observation.

Poor Ben.

You know the EMT said that
if flea had sent you his bass,

you could've lost a thumb.

I'm totally fine, babe.

Everything is
a-okay coolio beans.

- You want to meditate real quick?
- No, we do not have time.

We have a concert to save.
Excuse me, he's feeling better.

He can go, right, Ann?
Damn it.

I wonder
if I'll ever stop doing that.

Come on.

I honestly don't care,
but I'm just gonna say it.

I like Joe.

He's a nice man
who's good with kids,

and he seems to be
smart and patient.

I know.
That's why he's my Tammy.

I'm a social butterfly.

When we're together,
all we do is have sex,

sit on the couch,
eat homemade pasta,

- have sex again.
- Enough.

He's constantly
being respectful,

wanting to spend time with me,
trying to "connect" with me.

It's a nightmare.
I become boring.

Live your life how you want,

but don't confuse drama
with happiness.

So I've been talking to Larry,

and he's definitely not dying.

Technically, we're all dying,

unless you choose
the right grail.

It's the dusty one.

Andy, I was nice to Larry.

I scratched his back.
I had a conversation with him.

It was horrible.
How can you do that to me?

Fine.
I'll tell you the secret.

- Ben's dog is dying.
- Lie.

Ben is dying--he has
the same disease Larry has.

- Leslie is dying.
- No.

- They're both dying.
- No.

I'm dying.

- Chris and Ann are moving.
- They already moved.

They're moving again
to China...town in France.

- No!
- Okay, fine.

- Do you really want to know?
- Yes.

- Leslie is a spy.
- No.

Tom has something wrong
with his butt.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Did you hear that?
They need an encore.

Honey, they want--the kids
want an encore, I'm sorry.

What song should we do?
You wanna do Toots?

I hope you don't mind,
but I noticed that

your right rear tire
was a little flat,

so I patched it,
and I inflated it for you.

But you're still gonna want to
go to a garage 'cause I don't--

- I like to do things.
- Excuse me.

Museums, opera, nightclubs.

Sometimes I disappear for a day
or two 'cause I'm fly-fishing

or I'm at a Seattle Sounders game.

I promise not to cheat on you

if you promise not to try
to pin me down too fast.

I have no problem with that.

You can take me
to dinner Friday.

I have only one request--

that you wear
that, uh, red thing.

I'll wear that red thing

when you deserve to see me
in that red thing.

[Clears throat]
Gotta go make some muffins.

Okay, there's still
plenty of ways

to raise money
for the concert, right?

Maybe we'll win the lottery.

I mean, hey,
you're looking at a woman

who just hit triple cherries
in her uterus.

We're screwed.

No, we're not, we have
three weeks until the concert.

- It'll be fine.
- No, not the concert.

The triple cherries.

I mean, of course
it's the most amazing

and wonderful thing
to ever happen,

but, okay, I am an accountant,

and I am looking
a cold, hard facts.

Raising three kids
is going to cost $2 million.

Babe, our kids will be geniuses.

They'll get scholarships.

Half of my tuition was paid for

by the Indiana scholarship for
pretty blondes who like to read.

It's now called the Virginia
Woolf prize--different time.

Leslie, I have been trying
so hard not to stress you out,

but we just spent
our entire savings account

on a trip to Paris.

What were we thinking?

We spent too much money
on macaroons.

Okay, honey--

Okay, wait, what's the number
for the Louvre?

I mean,
maybe I can get a refund.

We barely looked
at the Mona Lisa.

Honey, can you just breathe
for a second?

Leslie, these numbers are
going to determine everything

for the rest of our lives!

- Breathe.
- I mean,

maybe we should move because
we could make more money,

or maybe we should stay here

because it's cheaper
to live here than in Chicago.

Oh, my God!

I'm shamwowing
all of your stress,

and there's no one here
to wring me out.

- Benjamin Wyatt...
- I don't even know--

The man of my dreams,
the one that I love, shh.

Leslie, we are in trouble here.

We are in real trouble!

- [Laughs] I'm so sorry.
- What?

You just look so crazy
right now, but cute.

You're always stressed out.
How are you calm right now?

Because I realized something.

Everything that
we have been through--

the harvest festival,
the election, the recall,

the merger, Ann leaving,

Larry changing his name
for some stupid reason--

all of it has just been
preparation for this.

I am immune to stress
because I have you.

Come on.
I have an idea.

[Scraping]

Ron is King Sparkle
of Cupcake Forest.

Much obliged.
[Ivy and Zoe laugh]

So I'm going to dinner
with Joe next week.

Glad to hear it.

It's always nice to see someone

actually change for the better.

Yes, Joe seems like a good man,

but at this point,
I'm done talking about him.

I was talking about you.

Your family has made you
a more patient

and empathetic person.

- You take that back.
- Come on, Swanson.

Did you think even two years ago

you'd be playing matchmaker
for me

while wearing a glittery crown?

Now you're a dad.

You care a little, itty bit
about your friends.

You're King Sparkle
of Cupcake Forest.

It suits you.

Andy, the camo is not working.
I can see you.

- [Sighs] Damn, really?
- Yes.

Babe, you don't have
to hide from me.

I don't care about the secret
anymore, okay?

I just thought,
when we got married,

we would share everything,

but if you really can't tell me
or whatever, it's fine.

I trust you.

It's just that
it's a really big secret,

and for once,
I wanted to keep my word.

But screw it.

You're more important
than anything.

I'm gonna tell you

'cause it's super juicy--
you ready?

Okay.

Everybody,
if you could gather around...

They're here--don't try
to get it out of me anymore.

The reason
I have been acting so weird

is not because I've been waiting

for the results of
the soil samples to come back.

Well, jeez, I've been up
all night trying to make sure--

It doesn't matter, Larry.

It was a pointless ruse designed
to waste time.

The truth is...
I'm pregnant.

[All cheering]

Yes, I did it!
I kept a secret.

Congratulations.

I'm sure you will both
raise a wonderful child

with whom I will profoundly
disagree on nearly everything.

Well, actually,
and this is crazy,

but it's children, plural.

- We're having triplets, and...
- Shut the--

- Oh, my God!
- A little freaked out about it.

That's amazing.

Babe, I am so glad
you didn't tell me.

I know.
I'm incredible.

Okay, now listen to me, you two.

Gayle and I have kept everything
our girls ever used,

so we have, like, millions
of clothes and strollers and--

- just don't buy a thing, okay?
- A triple crib--

sounds like an interesting
woodworking challenge.

Would you like oak or pine?

I'll make both,
and you can choose.

My boyf--
my friend Joe

has the hookup
at all the good preschools.

Andy and I can babysit anytime,

except for on weekends
and nights,

but we're free anytime
during work hours.

This is gonna be
the happiest time of your life!

Well, I sold everything
on the auction list,

no thanks to you people.

What's so wonderful
that you're all celebrating

while I do all the hard work?

We're having triplets.

[Laughter]
Oh, great.

First my cousin Winona
gets into a car accident

the night my one-man show opens,
and now this?

Why are my accomplishments
always overshadowed?

Congratulations, I suppose.

That's nice of him.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll take that.
- Yeah.

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