All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e17 Day.eng

Aw, babe, you've gone crazy.

The only thing I am crazy about

is a magnificent, pregnant
manta ray named Ann Perkins.

I am ranking
topics of conversation

for our next phone call.

The worst part
about your best friend

living in another stupid state
is the topics really pile up.

What do you think
should be higher priority?

Infinity scarves

or whether or not it's worth it
for me to get Showtime?

Is this really necessary?

When she moved,
we promised each other

that we would talk every day,
and we've really fallen behind.

I know your female friends
are very important to you,

but I'm always
a good sounding board.

I mean, I can talk about
Sandra Bullock skirt length.

No, no, babe, you can't--you
would just embarrass yourself.

Plus, every time
I start talking to you,

five seconds later,
I want to jump your bones.

Oh, let's do that instead.

See, that's what
I'm talking about.

- Yeah, okay, let's do this. Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Triumphant music]

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On to the unity concert.

Ben is meeting with the tent
people to finalize those deals.

April and Donna
will be helping me

with the vendor location charts,
and I will be meeting

with the surveyors
about the concert grounds.

I would like to volunteer
to do the park survey myself.

Wow, Ron.

I always knew there would be

a day when I would
get through to you

and you would love
government work.

Today is that historic day.

Yes.
That is what has happened.

Spending the day outside alone
sounds like a dream.

I love being a father, but there
are a few things I miss.

Silence, the absence of noise,

one single moment
undisturbed by the sounds

of a children's TV program
called Doc McStuffins.

There is no quiet anymore.

There is only Doc McStuffins.

Sorry I'm late.
[Panting]

Uh, Andy, why don't you go
with Ron and help him?

- I really don't need--
- Shotgun!

I call shotgun. Where are we
going? Doesn't matter. Shotgun.

Shotgun on all rides
for the rest of the day.

For the rest of my life.
In any car! Ha ha!

I just faced you suckers!

So I'll see you
in the parking lot, Ron. Later!

Is the tent guy
left-handed or right-handed?

I just need to know
which way to part my hair

to get us a better price.

It's a business theory
I'm working on.

I really don't
think it matters.

Pretty straightforward deal.

A straightforward deal?
Why didn't you tell me?

I don't have my straightforward
deal fedora on me.

We gotta stop by my storage unit
on the way up.

Hey, Larry.

Hey, you wanna come with us
to tent world? Little road trip?

Tent world?

Yeah, let me grab my lunch.

No. Why'd you invite Larry?

He's been doing
all the paperwork for this deal.

He deserves to come.

Remember you said that
when Larry's farting up the car.

Larry isn't that bad.
He's nice.

And frankly, I don't care
who knows that I said that,

as long as no one knows
that I said that.

Okay, ladies, I will be in my
office for one to seven hours

for my weekly chat with Ann.
I brought some fresh snacks.

And I made a backup plan
for the vendor chart

in case, you know,
yours isn't good.

Actually, Ann called
while you were in the bathroom.

She said something came up,
she'll call you later.

I don't know, I told her
to leave you a voice mail.

Ugh! God, why'd you
let me say all that?

I'm coming, Ann's voice mail!
I'm coming!

Listen to me very carefully.
I have not been taken.

I know that's always your first
fear when I'm not available,

but this is not
a Liam Neeson Taken scenario.

That's exactly
what they'd make you say.

Also, no one's
making me say this.

I am a free woman, untaken,
simply going about my business.

I just have to run.
Something came up.

I love you,
and I'll call you later.

Donna.
[Snaps]

What's good, baby?

What's going down in Donna town?

What's the haps
in Meagle-wood?

I'm listening
to Jaleel Or No Deal.

It's a podcast where
the kid who played Urkel

reviews old
Deal Or No Deal episodes.

It's pointless, and I love it.

Okay, don't let me interrupt.

April, what's the 411,
little mama?

What's the hot goss?
Who you crushing on these days?

Ew, my husband, weirdo.

Can I get back to work now?
Thanks. Bye.

[Sighs]
Work? You can work whenever.

Except for now,
because now is lady time.

You sound like
a tampon commercial.

I'm setting up
an impromptu Galentine's day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wait, I thought you weren't
gonna do Galentine's day

this year because
that she-beast moved away.

I believe her name was Satan?

Her name is Ann,
and she is gone,

and I have accepted it, and we
are gonna have Galentine's day.

Ladies, up front.

I need an Ann
who lives in Pawnee,

and there is no
one obvious candidate,

so I will test them out
on the ultimate battlefield

of female friendship--
Galentine's day brunch.

It will be a women's-only
marathon bonding session

with tons of whipped cream.

Side note,
do not Google that phrase.

Hey, Ron.

Can I ask you
kind of an important question?

You know, like,
when you go to the ATM

and you get money,
is there an actual guy

standing behind the wall who
slides dollar bills in there?

- No.
- Yeah.

It's robots.

Oh, actually, you know what?
I do have a serious question.

In the movie Predator,

can you rub any kind
of mud on yourself

to prevent predator
from seeing you

with his thermal
heat signature sight,

or is it more--

Ow!
That sucks.

Are you hurt?

[Groans]
No. All good. All good.

Oops. Except for my mouth.

Oh, whoa.
Five-second rule.

No, ahh.

Come on, we better
get you to a dentist.

Oh, my God, Larry. Your tuna
fish sandwich stunk up my suit.

- Gayle made it for me.
- Irrelevant.

You know what? Stay out here and
double-check these deal memos.

If you get through 'em,
triple-check 'em.

Just don't come inside.

Sounds good. I will finish
my sandwich and enjoy the view.

Hey, Harvey.

Ben Wyatt.
We spoke on the phone.

Yeah. Yeah, we sure did. Okay.
[Chuckles]

Who's this little genie
right here?

Tom Haverford,
Pawnee business liaison.

[Chuckles] Okay.

Got your contracts
for you right here.

Wow. It's a lot thicker than
the original one-page version.

I take tents pretty seriously,
Ben, I'm a tent guy.

I got over 1,300 tents
in this warehouse alone.

900 of those are
over 2,000 square feet,

80 of 'em are striped,

and exactly 4 of 'em were
once rented by Miss Rene Russo.

- Whoa!
- Yeah. No doy.

I think I know what I'm doing.
[Sniffs]

So I added a few syllables
and whatnot.

Clauses, et cetera.
Addendums, what have you.

Why don't we go ahead
and sign that for me?

Yeah, I think we're gonna
need to take a look at this.

Hmm. So I guess this is not
a straightforward deal.

[Hat thuds]

Shauna, I'm so glad
you could make it.

You're so tan.

Oh, thanks. I just got back
from a solo trip to Rome.

I was gonna go with my
boyfriend, but he couldn't come

because he decided
to stay with his wife.

Oof.

I love Rome.
It's such a great place.

Rome's played out.
Have y'all been to Kuala Lumpur?

- When did you go to Asia?
- I go all the time.

Where do you think I got

that crystal Buddha head
above my jacuzzi?

You have a jacuzzi?
Good to know.

Prospects
for new Pawnee best friend.

Donna Meagle. Confident,
worldly, we go way back.

April Ludgate. Vivid
imagination, young, and vibrant.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

Pretty, fragile,
makes terrible life decisions.

A real fixer-upper, but look,

it's not like Ann was doing
so hot when I met her.

Ethel Beavers.
Bit of a dark horse.

Crotchety, but probably wise.

And then we got Evelyn,
aka fake Ann.

I don't know her last name.
Honestly we just needed bodies.

Thank you, everyone, for getting
together on such short notice,

and happy Galentine's day.

Now, this is not technically
the right date,

but any time a group of women
get together for brunch,

we embody the spirit
of the holiday.

Today we will
celebrate friendship,

spend a few hours together,

and answer a couple
of questions I've compiled.

Just for fun.
Nothing serious.

But please answer them
with complete honesty

'cause I'll be able
to tell if you're lying.

- To girlfriends!
- Yay.

- Girlfriends.
- Whoo-hoo!

Okay, it's time for
a little Galentine's day Q&A.

Donna, you pick first.

"What is
your favorite TV show?"

Well, for live tweeting,
it's Scandal.

For binge watching,
it's Scandal.

But for fashion,
it's actually Scandal.

My answer is Scandal.

Hmm. April?

Ooh, I love watching

Russian traffic accidents
on YouTube

while I play children's music
at the wrong RPM.

I like beauty pageants.

Everyone is so happy
and perfect.

I like Diagnosis Murder.
And skin flicks.

Can anybody top me off?

The correct answer
for favorite TV show

is Friday Night Lights.

- The correct answer?
- Next question.

Okay, this contract is insane.

It costs extra to have people
inside the tents?

And what's a flap tax?

Well, you need flaps, bro.

A tent without flaps
is basically a parachute.

An unfolding charge?

A noise damage waiver?
How can noise damage tents?

Shh. Keep your voice down,
please, there's tents here.

Now, look, you can argue
with me all you want,

but for every line item that
you two idiots disagree with,

there's gonna be
a $50 discussion surcharge.

What are we up to, doll?

$400.

A discussion surcharge?
That's nuts.

$450.

That's it. Deal's off.

We'll take our business
elsewhere.

Suit yourself, gentlemen.
Sorry we couldn't make a deal.

Wait, wait.
Let me try one more thing.

What's the price now?

$80 more.
I liked it better the other way.

Does have an effect, though.

The receptionist says
she'll fit you in

as soon as there's an opening.

If you're all right,
I'm gonna head back to the park.

Wait, wait, wait,
real quick, real quick.

Do you know what
my social security number is?

Or if I'm allergic to anything?

I don't like corn.
Should I put that down?

Or will that be confusing?
Because I do like candy corn.

Oh, Ron. What a mess.

[Groans]

Here, let me help you.

All I wanted was two hours

where I got to forget
that I was a parent.

Ron, look.
I found all three differences.

Those are two
completely different pictures.

- "Ladies' choice."
- Ooh! Wild card option.

Okay, anybody reveal anything
about their life,

anything at all.

- I've gotten two annulments.
- [Gasps]

One for pleasure, and one

to cap off a long con I was
running against Keith Sweat.

Wow. Ethel, have you--

Okay, Ethel's asleep.
Shauna?

I'm writing a memoir
based on my blog.

It's called
Tweeping Up Appearances,

and it's about my journey
to find happiness

by smiling through the pain.

Okay, I can work with that.

Knope, what you got
going on in that notebook?

Just jotting down memories
in my trusty old journal.

"Friendship rankings."
What's that?

It's not what it sounds like.

It's simply a way
for me to figure out

which one of you is the best.

That's messed up.

Yeah, that is really lame,
and I'm leaving.

You're better than that, Knope.

Donna, why are you angry?
You were in first place.

Bye, everyone.
This was a really...

brunch.
Leave the bag.

If you do this
again next year, don't call me.

Well, by default, it's Shauna.

That's how you want to find
your new best friend, right?

By default?

My pores are clogged up from
being in that dusty warehouse.

I'm gonna check if this gas
station has some biore strips.

Aw, thanks, Larry,
that's nice of you.

Gayle always has me
do the windshield.

She likes to stand
behind me and watch.

According to her,
it's the best view.

- How is Gayle?
- Oh, wonderful.

- And the girls?
- They're good.

- Why do you want to know?
- I'm genuinely interested.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not used to people from
the office asking me things.

It's kind of scary.
But in a good way, though.

[Both chuckle]

Aw, man,
did I miss a Larry fart?

Oh, no, uh, we were just--

Yeah, Tom.
Yeah, I-I really ripped one.

Didn't I, Ben?

Yeah. [Chuckles]
Yeah, it was loud.

Smells like a hippopotamus
took a dump on a skunk.

[Chuckles]

It's in your best interest.

Well, the numbers don't lie.
I'm a goofus, not a gallant.

Been here forever.
Can we go?

Don't you want
to get your tooth fixed?

I don't know, I think my tooth
looks fine just like this.

Well, my grandmother
was missing that tooth,

and she was the most beautiful
woman on her oil rig.

You are an adult.
I am not your dad.

- If you want to go, we can go.
- Yay. Thanks, Ron.

That's why you know even though
you're not my dad,

you're like
an old brother to me.

Like a cool uncle, but old.
Like a grandpa.

But cool like a son.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

No problem.

That'll be $8, please.

What, you're charging us
for coffee?

What kind of a business--
uh-oh.

Oh, hello, gentlemen.

Gotta be kidding me.
You own this place too?

That's right, dickweed.
You wanna talk deal?

Because my prices have gone up

ever so slightly
since I saw you last.

No, we're not giving in
to your crazy demands.

There are plenty of other
tent rental places

within driving distance.

Yeah, I'm calling
Tent Emporium right now.

[Phone rings]
Tent Emporium.

How can I help you, buttface?

- What?
- Come on.

Yes.

I own every tent store
in Southern Indiana.

Tent Town, Rent Ten Tents,
the Tent Offensive,

and Ace Tentura Tent Detective.

I also own a chick-fil-a
franchise,

but that's not doing
so hot right now. Whatever.

Let's get outta here.
[Phone rings]

You've reached the Tentagon.
How can I help you, buttface?

Okay, here's an idea.
Why don't we find something,

anything, no matter how small,
that we have in common?

For example, I'm an only child.

Me too.

Although, when I was in college

I found out that my dad
had a second family.

Well, we were the second family,
technically.

Okay, well,
we both went to college.

- There's that.
- Yeah.

[Phone rings]
[Gasps] Oh, my God!

Ann had her baby!
Wow, this has been fun.

The bill is already paid.

May I gently suggest that you
check out Chris Traeger's

wonderful therapist
Dr. Richard Nygard.

Although there is a tiny
part of me that always thought

it was just Chris
talking into a mirror.

Anyway, maybe you should
look him up.

I don't know,
I read a book once

that said a woman should never
make the first move.

That doesn't apply to therapy.
Okay. Good luck!

Oliver Perkins-Traeger,
meet your Aunt Leslie.

Hey! Oh, he's so beautiful.
And you're so beautiful.

I mean, you're always beautiful,
but right now you are

the most beautiful,
glowing sun goddess ever.

Why didn't you tell me
you were in labor?

Well, 'cause I knew you'd
drop everything and rush here,

and contractions
can sometimes go for days.

Thank you.

So I didn't want you to be
stuck waiting around.

Well, I'm glad I'm here now.
Where's Chris?

Oh, he was such a good coach
that the nurses asked him

to help out with a delivery
down the hall.

[Slurping]
Ow.

[Continues slurping] Ow.

Ow!

Andrew, you need
to get your tooth fixed.

No way.
I'm not going back there.

I already won
all the magazine mazes.

Don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.

Ow!

If you don't
take care of the problem now,

it's only gonna get worse.

- Come on. I'll drive you back.
- Fine.

Let me just wolf down
this peanut brittle real quick.

[Peanut brittle clatters]

Why would you do that?

Oh, right.
'Cause calories.

We're dead.

The only tent store this guy
doesn't own is 300 miles away.

Oh, hang on.
Here's a place that might work.

It's called
Sweaty Roger's Pants Tent.

Oh, no, you can't
rent tents there.

[Knocks on door] Hey, guys.

Look, I was double-checking all
the paperwork that Tom gave me

in that super fun parking lot,

and there was something about
Harvey's corporate structure

that just seemed fishy.

So I dug around--
[Chuckles]

and it turns out he has got
a lot of code violations.

Whoa!
Larry, this is great stuff.

Never thought I would say it,

but I'm a genius for making you

stay outside
and do a menial task.

Couldn't agree more.
You did it, Tom.

Mm, I don't want to drive back.

I miss you so much.

No one even comes
close to you as a friend.

I even tried to rank
the women at work,

- but that was a total bust.
- You ranked them?

Well, I thought maybe I could

use Galentine's day
as an opportunity--

- [gasps]
Leslie, Galentine's day?

What do you want me to do, Ann?

I need to find a replacement,
and don't worry, it didn't work.

Nobody can match
your ethnic hybrid energy.

Everybody brings their own
unique strengths to the table.

Some that even I don't have.

You shut your mouth.
You have all the strengths.

Look, you love harder
than anyone I know.

It's tough to match.

And I know Donna and April
don't show it,

but they would
do anything for you.

And it's not like you and I
always see eye to eye.

I mean, Friday Night Lights?

I am more of a Riggins girl,
and you lean Saracen.

Yeah, 'cause Riggins
is a criminal.

He took the fall
for his brother.

Okay, he didn't
watch out for his brother.

You know, I'm not having this
conversation with you again.

That family is garbage.

[Sighs] The point is we didn't

always like the same stuff
when we first became friends.

Just don't force it.
Give it some time.

I know, you're right, Ann.
Thank you.

It's just I'm missing you,

and there's so much stuff
I want to talk to you about.

Well, you're here now,
so let's talk.

[Baby cries]
Oh.

I think Oliver
has more pressing business.

Okay, but we should talk soon,

'cause I almost bought
a toe ring the other day.

What?
Ann, you're somebody's mother.

- I know.
- Okay.

I'm gonna give
you two some time.

I'll call you from the car.

I'll be out here
if you need me.

Thanks for doing this, Ron.

When it's all said and done,

there were a few mazes
I'd cheated on.

Also, the inside of my mouth
is black and hot.

So do I strip down to my
underwear, or all the way naked?

Hello, Diane.

I'm coming home soon to relieve
you, give you a little break.

It's no trouble at all.

I'm a parent.
I'm always on duty.

What flavor ice cream
would you and the children like?

I'm getting some for
a 30-year-old who works for me,

so I can bring some home
for you too.

Hello, Harvey.

We found a glaring number
of code violations

you've committed.

I could see to it
that you never

rent another tent
in this region again.

[Chuckles]
Gentlemen, I've won two

online satellite Jamaican
poker tournaments.

I can tell that you're bluffing.

Your Pawnee business license
has lapsed,

which negates most of the deals
you've made this year.

I'm guessing
you're pretty bad at poker.

I am. And I was bluffing
about winning those tournaments.

Gentlemen, clearly there's been
a misunderstanding here.

I'm hoping that we can reach
some kind of a compromise.

Yeah, first off, I need to know

where you got these
zebra-print pillows.

Second of all,
I got a Tin Cup Blu-Ray

itching for
a Rene Russo signature.

Tom.

The compromise is that
you're gonna sign

the deal we originally
agreed upon.

We're going to let you
continue renting tents,

and you're going to do it
at a fair price.

And Larry, he's the guy
that brought you down,

and he's gonna be
watching you like a hawk.

Oh, hey.

I'm Larry. Great to know you.
I love tent world.

God! Can you just be cool
for one second?

Okay,
black coffee with extra grounds.

Gross. For April.

And a mocha ice blended
for Donna.

Guys, I totally blew it.

I was all screwed up,
and I'm really sorry.

You're wonderful friends,
and I love you.

We love your crazy ass too,
Knope.

I think you're fine.
Like a solid B-minus.

Great. I'll take it.

We know you've been
missing Ann, so we...

got you this.

Press the paw.

[Ann's voice]
Hi, Leslie. It's Ann.

I love you,
and everything's gonna be okay.

It's cute, right?

I'm very lucky
to have you both.

You know, when Ann and I
used to fight,

we would make up
with a five-minute hug.

Mm, you touch me
and I stab the bunny.

Yeah, it's about time
for my mid-morning mani,

so I'm gonna head out.

Okay. Well, that's fine.

Well, you know, we'll forge
our own unique traditions

in the fiery cauldron
of female friendship.

[April's voice]
I'm just an impartial bunny,

but I think Ann sucks.

Also--[Gruff voice]
I'm the zodiac killer.

And we might even be able
to pull it off under budget.

Sorry.
Sorry, you guys, I'm sorry.

I'm trying to find my inhaler,
'cause I'm having a little...

Take your time.
I mean, it's not like

we're trying
to get work done here.

Yeah, and Larry, by the way,

you're looking
in the wrong spot.

Your inhaler is hidden under

the pile of pistachio shells
on my desk, obviously.

Okay, well, that's funny,

'cause I'm terribly allergic
to pistachios.

[Chuckles] Classic.

Okay, you know what?
I need to say something.

I like Larry.

He is a good friend
and a fine man

with an inexplicably
gorgeous wife--

I mean, to the point where
it makes no sense at all.

Sorry. Getting off track.

He is a nice person,

and we should all
stand up and say, "I...

like..."

Ben! No!
What are you doing?

Uh, he's embarrassing himself
and throwing away his career.

- Sweetheart, stop.
- O, captain, my captain.

- What is happening?
- Larry is my friend.

Thank you, Ben.

I mean that.

Oh!
[Farts]

Got so startled I tooted.

Come on, man.

- Oh...
- Gross!

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