All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e16 Bailout.eng

Okay, I don't want
to over-hype this,

but presenting...
Dun-da-da-dah!

the new city of Pawnee website!

Totally revamped!

You can pay parking tickets,

you can apply for a business
license and the best part

is we're going to put up
an online poll so people

can pick the new town slogan!

Hey, look a panda!

Yeah, that's just some mascot
thing

that the designer put up
on the front page.

But more importantly,

you can now apply for a utility
tax refund...online!

Wait, the panda's name
is Peebo.

Peebo.

Look, you can even play
ping-pong.

- What?
- I want to play!

No, me first! Me first!
That's it. I'm calling it.

Guys, Ben worked
really hard on this, okay?

Let's look at the online polls.

It's gonna be a cool way
to choose our new town's slogan.

Oh! The panda holds a paddle
with his tail.

I want to play!

Congratulations, Ben.

This is truly a fine panda game
you made. Well done.

What else does he do?

I think if you click on
the bamboo,

it puts on a top hat.

All: What?

I love you, Ben!

[Triumphant music]

What's wrong with you?

You look like Meryl Streep
at the end of Ironweed.

You wish.

Well, I've been driving
all over Indiana

looking for bands to play
the unity concert.

I got nothing to show for,

except for four car accidents.

All these strangers'
insurance information.

Ooh, I get it,
you have car insurance.

Why don't you brag about it?

Hey, you are from Eagleton,
right?

Are there any places out there
I should check out?

I used to go see live shows
at Patterson's.

But I'm boycotting until
the owner apologizes

for what she said to me
at the dog park.

Cool. Anything else?

I hear Cozy's Bar is pretty
packed on Thursdays.

But I've never been because
it's mostly middle-aged women

and I'm allergic
to turkey neck.

Really?
That's the best part.

We should split
a turkey sometime.

Oh, Mr. Larson.

Thank you so much
for meeting me here.

Happy to.
I was in the area.

The chance for me to return
your binder full of questions

about the job.

I think I answered all of them.

Thank you.
I cannot wait to check this out.

Now, the reason why I asked you
to meet me here--

More questions about the job.

Oh, yeah.

Martha? I'm gonna need
two hours worth of waffles.

Grant Larson has offered me
a chance to oversee

a branch office
of the national park service.

This is like the parks
equivalent of Bruce Springsteen

pulling Courtney Cox onstage.

I mean, one minute you're just
a regular girl in the crowd,

and the next minute you're
dancing 10 feet away

from freakin' Max Weinberg!

Okay, my fortieth and eighteenth
from last question

is about the Heartland Exotic
Plant Management Project.

Now, were would I be actually
doing the physical planting?

Because it is always been
a dream of mine

to plant spotted jewelweed
along the red river bank

in Arkansas, but I'm sure
you hear that a lot.

Well, you wouldn't actually be
planting things.

I mean, you're overseeing
200 people.

The everyday minutia
you would delegate to staff.

Leslie, your job is more
creative, big picture stuff.

No more boring people working
for you.

Good!
I hate paperwork.

I hardly ever do it in my bed
on a Saturday night

while listening
to old spice girls CDs.

Regal Meagle.
My favorite realtor.

You got some hot properties
to show me?

You know it.

Remember my list of
must-haves: Open kitchen,

fireplace, exposed brick,
and you know

I wouldn't kick a skylight
out of bed.

I'm opening Pawnee's first
authentic Sinatra style

Italian restaurant--

"Tom's Bistro."

I'm kind of like a skinny,
handsome, Indian Mario Batali--

who doesn't know how to cook.

Before we go, I got you guys
a little something

for helping me out.

Oh! Love it!

A Larry voodoo doll?

Tom, that's so sweet.
Thanks.

Ow! Oh, my gosh!

I didn't even do anything.

The voodoo doll is reading
my thoughts.

So it seems like it went
really well, right?

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Grant is great,
the job is great.

- The waffles were great.
- Great.

So we're just about ready
to go live

with the slogan poll.
You want to see?

Now that Eagleton and Pawnee
have merged,

it is time to pick
a new town slogan.

And a slogan can make a big
difference with tourism

in a town's identity.

There is New York,

the city that never sleeps.

And then there is Glenwater,
Florida,

home of America's most violent
Walmart parking lot.

Okay, so people can vote now.

Yeah, see, that's the super
cool thing about this website

is it does all the work for us
so we can just sit back

and take it easy.

No. No, we're not gonna
do that.

We're gonna sit forward
and take it hard.

- Um, what?
- There's a lot of nitty-gritty

left to do, Ben.

We need to roll up our sleeves,

we need to go door to door,

we need to hand out fliers,
and canvass.

You know what we should do?

We should have a press junket,
to publicize the poll.

Okay, I hope you had lunch
plans,

'cause now you get
to cancel them.

Well, I-I did.

So this was one of Eagleton's
top sushi restaurants.

But you can't out-run
the whale meat police forever.

This is great.
I love it!

Look at it,
I can picture it now.

That's where the politicians
will sit,

this is where the connected
guys will bring their goomahs.

This place is perfect.

- How much?
- 9,000 a month.

What? That's way more
that I can afford.

Whatever.
It's not that great.

Plus, it's really far away
from work

and that'd be annoying.

It's not a big deal.

I mean, when it first launches
I'll go back and forth,

but hopefully it takes off and
it'll become a full-time job.

Come on, I'll show some places
in your price range.

This press junket
is a brilliant idea, isn't it?

Mr. Strange Cameraman
Who I Never Met.

Leslie, I told you,
I'm not gonna participate

in your weird Julia Roberts,
cameraman husband fantasy.

Quiet, cameraman, Perd's here.

Leslie, your poll is designed
to choose a new slogan.

And a slogan is a series of
words that have a meaning.

[Laughs] So true, Perd.

All of the choices

for the town slogan
are wonderful,

but if I had to choose
my favorite

it would probably be
"Storied past, bright future."

Well, the story of my interest
level is: It's medium.

Joan, this poll is a chance
to give

our newly-merged city
a new identity--

to really rebrand this town.

Yes, great question.
I have been thinking

of rebranding myself.

What do you think about
Juan Callamezzo?

Isn't "Juan" a man's name?

No, it means "flower."

I think it means "John."

Crazy Ira and the Douche

from 93.7 FM, the Groove.

Leslie, do you believe
that this new slogan

will integrate Pawnee
and Eagleton

into one cohesive city?

Wow, that's a very thoughtful
question, Crazy Ira.

Yes, yes, I do.

Follow-up question, Leslie,

show us your boobs!

[Electronic farting noise]

Will this fit
on a bumper sticker?

[Electronic fart]

Gosh, this place is packed.

You folks must really like
this guy.

Honey, he is sex on a stick.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your jazzy hands together
for my man, Mr. Duke Silver!

[Cheer and applause]

A smooth and silky evening
to you all.

On nights like this,
when the cold winds blow,

and the air is awash
in the swirling eddies

of our dreams,

come with me
and find safe haven...

in a warm bathtub
full of my jazz.

All: Uh!

[Jazz music]

Well, the good news is
your poll was a big hit.

Thousands of people voted.

That's great.
What's leading?

- "Storied past, bright future"?
- No.

The current leader is

"Pawnee,
welcome to Douche nation."

- What?
- Crazy Ira and the Douche

got their bonehead radio fans

to flood the poll
with write-in votes.

Why did we include
a write-in option?

Because every election
has a write-in option.

That's how democracy works.

I'm not a dictator.
If I we're a dictator,

I would throw the Douche
in prison without a trial.

I would be
a very strong dictator,

and you would be my bodyguard,
and you would lead my army.

Okay, I know we should
figure out how to fix this.

But I'm starting
to get kind of turned on

imagining you as a dictator,
is that bad?

No, it's okay.

You know,
we could just figure out

a different strategy
for picking a slogan.

You don't have to go
on their show.

No, I want to do this.
I enjoy the challenge.

So, how do I look?

I need these guys to think
that I'm, like, super chill.

Is this gonna work?

Oh, what up, Lez?

Backwards hat--shows a real
lack of respect for authority.

I like that.

What's up, little mayor?

Are you gonna freak out again?

So, Leslie, what's the deal?

Are you just here
to yell at us again?

Yeah, we are in store for
another Leslie Knope nag sesh?

Crazy Ira, do the dishes!

[Laughs]
Classic! No way!

I'm not here to nag, guys.

I'm just psyched
to be in the studio, you know?

I'm just...chillin'
in the studes with my dudes.

If you're really not really
here to nag us,

then maybe you'll help us
with our next segment...

[Echoing]
"Rating celebrities' boobs!"

Perfect.

On a scale, from 1 to
ga-ga-ga-going!

How would you rate
Emma Watson's boobs?

First of all, I would rate
her acting as an "A."

You have three seconds to
answer or we're gonna withdraw

- a donation from charity.
- From charity? Oh.

[Imitating clock]

A minus.

More like double D minus.

[Farting sound]

- [Moaning]
- Me so horny!

I knew it. I knew it.

- Can I help you?
- Maybe.

I was out at the jazz club
last night--

scouting bands
for the unity concert.

And I saw something
very interesting.

- I am Duke Silver.
- I have a twin brother.

Both: What?

- I have a twin brother.
- You are Duke Silver?

Yes, I am Duke Silver.

[Laughing]

The only other people
who know are Tom and April.

So, please, keep it to yourself.

Are you kidding me?
You are really good!

You are, like,
the saxophone player

for the California-raisins-good.

No joke.
You know what?

I'm booking you...
for the unity concert.

Absolutely not.

My musical career is private.

If my secret got out,

this office would be waist-deep
in women's undergarments.

No, I'm in charge of booking
the bands for the concert,

and I say, you're in.
You're gonna play right after

Bobby knight ranger.
It's a night ranger cover band

where they only
wear read sweaters.

It's gonna be epic!

Final round, Leslie,

boobs or ass?

Hard to believe this is a fan
game for your radio listeners.

Ah...I'm gonna say butt.

Ding, ding, ding!

- Yes!
- You are correct.

This is my mom's dumper!

[Farting sound]

Oh, mommy!

I don't know how
you got yours hand on that.

I took it.

Good. Well, it is been so fun
bro-ing out with my dogs.

I never knew that objectifying
women could be so much fun.

We're running out of time here

so just a quick reminder
to write-in

"Welcome to Douche nation!"

As the official town slogan
for pawneecity.gov.

Or you know what would also be
kind of dope

for the people of Douche nation
to do?

It's vote for another slogan.

Like, you know,
"Storied past, bright future"?

But...I don't care.
I don't give a fart, bros.

You know, just do your thing,
chicken wing.

[Electronic clucking]

Hey, Crazy Ira,
have you seen my stick?

- Where's your stick?
- I don't know.

Lesbo Baggins,
you know where my stick is?

- You--
- Oh! Found my stick.

Oh, where did you find it?

Both: Up Leslie Knope's butt!
[Fog horn blows]

- Yo, where my stick up?
- It's up her butt, papi.

[Farting noise]

Jewish Greg, whatever we're
paying you, it's not enough.

[Boing, belching]

Damn it,
I almost pulled that off.

No, you really didn't.

Just delete the poll.
Let the slogan thing go.

Or, maybe we sneak back
in there--

you distract those guys
for, like, 30, 90 minutes,

I get on live radio,
I give an impassioned speech

about what slogan
I want to endorse

and I play a few songs,
which I always wanted to do,

and then we just see
what happens.

No.

I should just let this go.
Okay.

Dude, what are you doing?

That looks like a perfectly good
saxophone case.

Wait a minute.
What's inside that case?

I am ending
my secret musical career.

- I have to kill Duke Silver.
- No, come on, man.

You're really good.

- You can't quit.
- Sorry, Andrew.

I would rather never play again

than have everyone know
my secret.

Good-bye, Duke Silver.

May you rest...in jazz.

So, Tom told you are sort
of like a computer expert.

Uh...yeah.

You can say that.

These jerks are trying
to hijack my online poll,

and so far the leading town
slogan is,

"Home of the stick
up Leslie Knope's butt."

[Snickering] Yeah, yeah.
I voted for that one.

Great. I'm wondering,
is there a way I can communicate

- with everybody who voted?
- Yeah, I can do that.

Should take about two minutes.

Just PayPal me some bitcoins
when you get a chance.

What?

So, this is way
under your budget.

Used to be a donut shop.
Well, a tire shop

- that sold donuts.
- Pretty rough.

I mean, I guess I could fix
the roof

and tear up the counters.

Do something about the smell.

This place is creepy.

I mean, I love it, because
it reminds me of the cafeteria

in a haunted nursing home,
but...

that's just me.

This is the last listing I have

that isn't an active crime
scene.

Hey, man, what happened?

I thought Jurassic Fork
was super popular.

We stretched ourselves too thin

by expanding to
a second location.

You opened another
dinosaur-themed restaurant?

No, another Steven
Spielberg-themed restaurant.

The German place downtown--
Schindler's Lunch.

I think you may have
misunderstood what people liked

about Jurassic Fork.

I actually think the space
is pretty cool.

Obviously, we'd had to move
this T-Rex, but--

No can do.
That's a load-bearing T-Rex.

This is really the last place
you have available?

Dang. Maybe Tom's Bistro
wasn't meant to be.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah, real quick.

Remember when you said
you would close up shop

- on the slogan thing?
- Yes.

You did do that, right?

You didn't somehow get the email
addresses for every person

who voted for the
"Stick up the butt" slogan

and then write each of them
a personalized heartfelt email

telling them
to do the right thing

and vote for a real slogan?

Are you crazy?
What a crazy talk you just did

with your funny words.

Well, someone wrote
those emails.

And we got about 300 complaints
and as a cherry on top

some hackers got really mad
about the invasion of privacy

and attacked the website.

Look what they did to Peebo.

He's wearing a hat
made of penises.

[Sighs] Oh, boy.

Well, I.T. is fixing
the website,

but it will be down
for about three days.

Well, no worries, I will handle

all of the overflow work
personally.

Parking tickets,
code violations--

- send them all to me.
- What's going on?

[Sighs] I don't know.
I spoke to grant

about the national parks job,
and he mentioned

that's mostly big picture
planning and delegating,

and not very much
nitty-gritty,

hands-on stuff
that I love to do.

I would miss that, very much.

I mean, have I really pulled
my last bloated raccoon carcass

from a public fountain?

But that's the whole point

of moving up the ladder,
you get to think bigger,

swim in a bigger pond.

You're having a public forum
on the slogan, right?

Use it as a test.

Hand the reins to someone else,
let them handle things

while you manage
from a distance.

Yeah. That's a good idea.

I guess I should practice...
delegating.

Ugh! Okay.

The public forum
will be run by...

Oh, no, I would not
have started the sentence

if I knew Larry
was the only one here.

Babe, if you can step back
and let Larry take control,

you can survive anything.

All right.
Larry, can you get in here?

I would love to.
Gosh darn it.

I-I somehow ran my belt through
a slat in this chair

so I'm kind of--I'm kind
of stuck to it now.

Great.

You really shouldn't have dug
that out of the dumpster.

I had to. Also I had a banana
on the way over here.

Sorry.

I get why you don't want any
more to know about Duke Silver,

and you don't have to worry.

You secret is safe with me.

To even it out,

I'm gonna tell you
all of my secrets.

Oh, no, that's not necessary.

I once forgot to brush
my teeth for five weeks.

I didn't actually sell
my last car.

I just forgot
where I parked it.

I don't know who Al Gore is.

And at this point
I'm too afraid to ask.

When they say 2% milk,

I don't know what
the other 98% is.

When I was a baby,
my head was so big

scientists did experiments
on me.

I once threw beer at a swan,

and then it attacked
my niece Rebecca.

That'll do, Andrew.

You don't have to play
the unity concert.

But don't quit music.
Please.

- Tommy.
- Hey.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

I just got excited about
the restaurant

but I should probably call
my investor

and tell him we have a problem.

Well, I got you something
to cheer you up.

Watch cologne.

Cologne for watches.

Thanks.

Things used to make me
so happy.

But I've grown a lot
in the last year.

Now I just want one big thing,

my own restaurant,
named after me,

that makes me so much money
I can buy anything I want.

I should go.

I didn't want Tom to leave,

so I said all these bad things
about the restaurant,

so he wouldn't like them.

Damn, we should have
coordinated.

I don't want to lose that
weird little elf either.

That's why I showed him
all those crappy places.

Oh, I thought you were
just bad at your job.

Sorry.
What should we do?

Let me call some people.

Hello, everyone, and welcome

to a public forum to choose
our new town slogan.

I'm gonna hand things over
to Larry Gengurch,

who is 100% in charge.

Well, let's
just get started, huh?

I want to talk about--

Oh, it's the--
geez Louise--

This keeps happening.
I don't know why.

I think the slogan should be

"Pawnee, home of crackers,

the orangest goldfish
in Indiana."

- Okey-dokey.
- No.

Let me write it down.

- Who even needs a slogan?
- Well, now,

that is an interesting point.

No, that's my slogan idea.

"Who even needs a slogan?"

And then a big picture of me
flipping everybody off.

Let's keep our eye
on the ball here, Douche nation,

"Home of the stick up Leslie
Knope's butt."

Butt stick!

All: Butt stick! Butt stick!

Let's vote on it right now!

All: Butt stick!
Butt stick!

Okay. Who's next?
Yes, ma'am.

This slogan is gonna go on
every sign in town.

I think it should be
something real

that we can all be proud of.

I've lived in Pawnee
my whole life

and it could be a strange place,
but overall it's a warm,

and wonderful town.

My idea for a slogan is,
"When you're here,

then you're home."

Well, that's lovely.

I actually had it printed up

so we can see what
it would look like.

Oh, you--

Hm--there's--that's--that's
spelled wrong.

That should be "then",
t-h-e-n.

Stay strong.
Let them work it out.

And trust Larry.

Trust Larry?

Are you listening to yourself?

I like that slogan a lot.

But you made
a little mistake there.

[Murmuring]

- You see?
- Back off.

"You're" is spelled wrong.

It should be "y-o-u-r."

Oops, I didn't catch it.
Thank you.

No, no, no,
she made a possessive.

- She's getting further away.
- It's okay.

Okay, let's vote.

All those in favor.

Approved!

[Applause]

Man, the places that came
on the market today

are way nicer than the listings
we saw yesterday.

I know, crazy, right?
Real estate.

This property
is under your budget,

and it's got everything
on this wish list you gave me.

Except the two helipads.

Does it have one helipad?

I don't know.

I like it, but...seems
a little small.

No, I think it just seems
small because

of all the heavy furniture.

But that part is really great.

The lighting is really cool.

I think this is the one.

You know, I think you're right.

I'll do it.

Thanks, April.
And, hey, bonus,

it's pretty close to city hall.

You guys are gonna be regulars.

I'll keep a table open for you.

And special thanks
to Leslie Knope

for once again bringing about
positive change to this town.

Pawnee, I present to you,
your new slogan.

[Soft applauses]

You fixed the mistakes.

I held it together
for the entire meeting.

Let me have this one.

I'm done micromanaging.
I promise.

Then I'm sure you are okay
with the fact

that they installed the sign

the wrong way
and it's welcoming you to Pawnee

as you're leaving.

What?

No! Oh, son of a--

Hey, you passed the test.

[Sighs] Honestly,

there's something else
I'm worried about.

The kind of work that I've been
doing all these years,

the nuts and bolts,
the grunt work,

that's the stuff I know
how to do.

What if I take
this national parks jobs

and I just...fail?

- Hm.
- What if I'm not good at it?

Yeah.

Leslie, I love you, very much.

But this is the stupidest
thing you've ever said.

You'd be amazing.

And everyone's gonna be in awe
of how amazing you are,

so just shut your month.

[Laughs]

Hey,

are we leaving or entering?

We've been driving around
in circles.

You're--

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