Original subtitles

I've never been like this before.

I'm going to be the full-time nanny.

Who would also happen to be the baby's father.

We want everyone to be as happy as we are.

Which is why I am going to find you a man.

Whoa! Let's see who Billie can find.

Nina, your apartment's on fire.

I wasn't sure what you'd most like me to save.

I figured photos and important papers were the priority.

Did you ever work that out? The mix-up with the blood types?

What?

Dad's an AB? But I'm an O.

I did not...

You never got around to telling him he's not Nina's real father.

Geraldine?

You can't just go to bed!

I'm not a Proudman.

The house is on fire!

What was that? You don't understand.

Where's Dad? Where's...? Wha...?

What? That's not mine.

What's going on? Hello?

Hi.

Where am I? In my bathroom.

No. Yes?

Dad...

Hey. Hey, how are you?

What do you need? I don't know.

I want to help. I... I don't know how.

Where's Mum?

She's still in her room. She's in lockdown.

What does she think's going to happen?

Maybe she thinks if she leaves it long enough

we'll all forget about the time we found out

she had a kid that wasn't Dad's.

Well, tell her she can't stay in there forever.

Nina says you can't stay in there forever, Mum.

Did she answer?

Mum.

OK, I'm going now. But, Neens, how are you?

Hey, how are you holding up?

Do you need anything?

Your phone's been engaged. I've been talking to Jimmy.

But where are you now?

The real estate office. I'm going to go and see Dad.

I just spoke to Cherie. She said Dad left home a while ago.

She thinks Dad's handling it badly but acting like he isn't.

Meaning?

He won't speak to her.

And Cherie thinks that's because

he blames her for keeping her trap shut.

Or for keeping her trap shut for too long.

She's not sure. Well...

I'm about to get in the car with Mick. We'll be there soon.

Mick's going to drop me off and continue on to another appointment.

Do I need to know all this? Just keeping communication open.

Bye, Billie. Bye.

Oh, hello.

Hi.

Are you alright? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

You?

I am if you are.

And I am if you are.

I think I am. Um, I mean...

Yeah. To be honest, I didn't sleep much last night.

Neither did I.

What were you thinking about?

About

how strange this is.

And how it hurts in a place I can't find.

Oh.

Answer that? No.

But... where's the sense in being sentimental about it?

Right.

Exactly.

I should go to work. Yeah, uh, me, too.

Um, so, need to get your insurance rolling,

um, engineer's report,

the strata company will need to be contacted,

fire and water damage evaluated.

Oh, and, um, the building manager.

Right, OK.

Mmm. Yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Bye.

That felt like total shit.

DMJ Insurance, Margaret speaking.

Hi, Margaret.

I've had a fire and I need to make a claim.

I'm sorry to hear that.

May I have your name? Oh, yeah... Proudman, Nina Proudman.

I had a fire.

What was your policy number?

Sorry? Your policy number.

I don't know.

It's on your member statement.

I've had a fire.

OK, without your policy number

it's going to take a while to confirm your identity.

Are you alright to hold?

Ah, I'll just... I'll go... I'll find the thing.

I'll just call you back.

Are you in shock? You look terrible.

Do you need anything? Someone get this woman a tea!

I'm not ready for interaction.

Oh, shit.

Yes, yes.

OK, we promised Andrew we'd find him a date,

but I'm going to be tied up with family, so you'll have to run it.

So, this app alerts you to gay guys in the area.

Well, if we're pimping Andrew out to men,

they may as well be local ones.

Your job is to screen the candidates, pick the right one.

What if I pick someone Andrew doesn't like?

You're just going to have to... sell it.

Hey, I want to, um... what?

Billie, I love you...

but this is a time when you're going to have a lot of thoughts,

and if you say them

there's a chance you're going to hurt people in your family.

So, just in case, you know,

all those inappropriate thoughts in your head,

how about you say them to me, not to Darcy or Nina?

I'm going to be OK.

See ya. Bye.

Oh, Dad. Billie, I've got a lot on my plate.

Is it alright if I pass that stuff on to you?

Yeah, sure.

Excellent, the 'open for inspection' on Dennis Street?

Yeah. Oh, good, good.

Dad... Hmm?

How are you about everything?

Oh, I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

Well, I AM worried about you. It's OK if you're crazy upset.

God, I would be.

I mean, you just found out that Nina isn't yours.

That means Mum cheated on you, and that's a terrible thing she did.

And because she's locked herself in her room

we don't know if it was an isolated event

or an affair that went on for years.

And, God, your mind's probably spinning out

about who Nina's real father is.

You know, was it Mr Donoghue from across the road?

Or one of your friends?

I wasn't spinning out about those things,

but I am now.

Sorry.

Um... see you later.

Dad?

Hey, Billie.

I didn't listen to you and I just upset Dad.

Right.

I didn't think it was inappropriate,

but, you know, it turns out it was.

OK.

Oh, hey, Billie. Yep?

This app... is it usual for people to send pictures of their dicks?

I think so. Yeah, look...

I've got an important meeting. I can't have dicks popping up.

Don't line Andrew up with a guy if you haven't seen his face.

Alright. Bye.

Right.

Stay calm. Focus on work.

Don't get caught up in any...

Here she is. Oh, my God.

Nina, are you alright? I'm fine, fine. Really, I'm...

How can you be fine? Well, I...

I've brought you some clothes. You'll need them.

And we've got blankets. I baked all night.

There's a casserole. A torch, batteries... fruit?

- Scarves. - Christmas decorations.

We're crowding her.

No, you're not. I'm just... I've got a lot to do.

Those charts for me? Oh, good. See you later.

Nina. Not a good time, Cherie.

It's OK to be angry. I'm not angry.

I understand if you are. Darcy is.

No, I don't need to be asked how I am or what I want,

I don't need to be told I'm angry,

I just need people to act normally and be normal.

And right now I don't know what to say to you.

Don't lose it. Just don't lose it.

Hi. Hey.

You're assessing me.

Nina, do you think the paternity thing's...

Why does everyone keep...?

It's not about...

Could you, could you just...?

I just... I don't... I just want to...

Shit.

Mick. So glad you were able to come.

Great to be here. Come on in.

Straight through. Cheers, mate.

I'm going to show you some lyrics and I want your honest reaction, OK?

Sure.

"Show me now, where if you dare, if you even should care."

Really? Is that 'care'?

"Near or far, why is who you are."

Yeah.

Who wrote this?

A singer I'm working with.

Great guy, great voice,

and he wants to write some lyrics for a song on his next album.

"No," you wisely told him.

I didn't know they were going to suck.

You are too nice... that's your problem.

So, uh, can you help?

You want me to turn this into a song?

Yeah, and, you know... fix it.

Just leave enough of his lyrics

so he still feels like he wrote the song.

Why me?

Because you know how to set stupid lyrics to music

and make it sound great.

"Why is who you are." Mmm.

Oh. Sorry, man.

Drink? Coffee?

Um, uh, water... would be great.

OK. Thank you.

Just one sec...

Mick?

So, I found someone for you.

YOU found someone?

Yeah, I'm taking over from Billie as the organiser of your date.

Is that weird for you? Yes. You?

Yes.

So, uh...

I've found someone that looks pretty good.

Well, jeez, don't go overboard.

Sorry.

He's very good-looking, like a model.

And his eyes are, you know, strong but... soft.

He wants to meet you tonight.

Well, what should I wear?

I can't talk about that now. I'll call you later.

Hi, Jimmy. Where are you? Just a tick, just a tick.

I'm worried about Mum, so I'm making her a sandwich on Lebanese bread.

I think she has accepted the offering.

Nup.

Jimmy, listen. Do me a favour?

In amongst my stuff there should be a box.

It's got all my papers for insurance, and everything.

A black-and-blue box with a lid on it.

With a pattern on it? Yes, in there.

There's a folder, a red manila folder

that has a sticker on the front that says 'boring stuff'.

Why 'boring stuff'?

Well, I didn't want to have a folder

that said 'important financial documents' on it.

It's the first thing robbers look for.

I'm sorry, the folder's not here.

It has to be.

There's no red folder in this box.

Well, I need it. I'm sorry, Nina. It's not here.

I'll keep looking and call you back if I find it. Bye.

What?

Is she still in there?

I read her the riot act.

What? Just...

What?

If I say something inappropriate is that OK with you?

Yeah.

Mum and Dad only have two children together.

Have you been thinking about that? Yeah.

And when you think about it, it's been obvious all along.

You and me... we look alike.

So, really, it's always been two siblings...

and this other blonde girl.

Yeah.

Does it freak you out, being Nina's half-brother?

Well, yeah, but I sort of figured I shouldn't say that to Nina.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Mum, it's Billie.

Hi.

I already offered her a flat sandwich.

I guess you must think we're all pretty angry with you,

and... we are.

But not in a bad way. What are you doing?

Mum, you cheated on Dad,

and you owe us all an explanation.

And the longer you stay in there, the worse it's gonna get.

Come out and tell us who Nina's father is!

Love you.

Billie, that was terrible.

It kind of got away from me.

Bye.

Nina. Mmm?

I feel bound to account for myself in the mosaic of recent events.

Huh?

The discovery that you're not your father's biological child

was accidental.

Oh, it's not your fault. Well, no.

I didn't impregnate your mother. I appreciate that.

And it's not Cherie's fault, either.

What? Why would you say that? I didn't say it was.

I've noticed your behaviour towards her has changed recently.

Oh, Martin, I've got a lot on my mind today.

Nina.

Cherie is the messenger.

Don't shoot her.

Right.

I took a blowtorch to your family.

I understand you having the shits with me.

Now you're silent because you don't like being angry.

I'm not angry. Yeah, you are.

Cherie, I don't care about me, but Darcy...

You live with Darcy.

You live with him, and I don't know what's worse...

the fact that you decided to drop the bomb

or the fact that you held on to it for so long.

There, see?

Exactly... what was I meant to do?

You hurt Dad so much.

But I wasn't the one who cheated on him.

That was your mum.

Your father was a serial killer. That's why I didn't tell you.

But if you think about it, it makes sense.

You didn't have a father... you were grown in a jar.

Your father is Tony Abbott. Sorry.

Mum?

Jimmy?

Mum? It's me.

I don't know what's going on in there, but, please, this is crazy.

Just rip off the bandaid, Mum. Come out.

This is so stupid.

This is stupid!

Stupid!

Is she gone? Wait.

Yes.

She's spiralling.

Well, to be fair, Mum's not making it easy.

Is this unusual for your family

or is it the sort of thing that happens all the time?

It's kind of... seasonal.

Mick, are you sure you don't need the ute?

No, go for it. So, how's it going?

I'm trying, but I can't make these stupid lyrics work.

And, my phone keeps buzzing with X-rated pictures of men.

Oh! Whole fruit bowl.

We already found someone.

Um... this is another inappropriate thing.

Yes?

OK, growing up,

I had this younger sister who was exceptional at everything.

Like, anything I did, Nina could do better...

reading, maths, gymnastics...

You did gymnastics? Yeah, only till Nina started.

After that there was no point.

Would a different father

explain why she was always so much better than me?

Billie, you are great. Great in my own way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's not the point.

And I bet Nina's father ends up being, like,

some blond genius doctor type.

Or else a nervous shut-in. My head's a blender.

Billie.

Why is who you are?

Because you is who I am.

Is that the right answer?

Yep. See ya.

Hello in there...

little peanut.

What are you doing?

Saying hello.

This ends. What?

This snuggly, happy family thing... that's not us.

And that is not the situation that we're in.

Well, we are having a baby together.

Yeah, but we're not together,

and I'm not just gonna manufacture some connection with you.

I thought we knew where we stood.

Jimmy... you're too young.

And I don't feel that way about you.

Little names on little tags.

Change the tag,

and that little person grows up to be someone else.

I'm not a Proudman anymore.

Hold on, Nina. Just hold on.

Do something practical.

Insurance.

Voicemail.

What now?

OK, this is the nutshell version.

I've borrowed Mick's ute

and I've brought around a bunch of stuff to Patrick's place.

I've just laid it out for you, OK? There are two main piles.

The first is stuff that will fit you, but...

Nina's at my place and it's an imposition.

Imposition?!

Mm-hm. See you there.

I'm an imposition?!

I'm crowding him.

No, no, wait. Swap places.

Really? Yep.

Shouldn't you be facing the door? No.

You can alert me to when he comes in

and I can decide if I'll go through with it.

OK. Am I even going to recognise this random?

I mean, how reliable is this app?

Just so long as he looks like his profile pic.

It could be false advertising.

This way, you can tell me.

It's going to be great.

Yeah.

Bit nervous. Are ya?

Can I see the pic again?

Oh.

What, what, what? Someone just came in.

Is it him? Ah, face tattoos.

No. No.

It's not him.

But this app says he's only 20 metres away.

Well, the GPS can be off, so...

It's him.

Does he look like his pic?

Better.

You look different in your picture.

Sorry, mate.

Time waster.

Hey! Mick...

Arsehat!

Mick, don't, don't, don't, don't.

That's funny. That's actually funny.

We'll find you someone else.

Shit.

Oh, sorry. Hey.

Look, I'm going to tidy all of this up.

Billie made a mistake bringing all this over here.

Yeah?

All these clothes! Just... I'll take that.

Sorry. It's a whirlwind you shouldn't have to be caught up in.

Of course I'm caught up. How can't I be?

Please, let me do this. I need to do it.

Everything OK? Yep.

I'll put it over here for a minute.

I've packed that stuff back up. Well, you didn't have to do that.

Yeah, I've put a bunch of it in my car.

Why? I'm not going to stay here.

Wait a minute.

I overheard you on the phone to Jimmy.

You said having me here was an imposition.

No, I said leaving your stuff at your mum's was an imposition

when you're staying here with me.

Well, now my stuff's here, imposing on you.

Nina... No, it's OK.

It's pushing things too fast.

Us... we're not ready for this proximity.

Nina, it's not like you're moving in.

You just need somewhere to stay.

No, I'm not moving in.

There's no question of that.

It's fine if you stay. I mean, its weird. It's GOOD weird.

I don't want it to be weird. Not even good weird.

Look. Here, look.

Eh?

We could make space for you.

Oh, no, I don't want a drawer.

Look. I don't want a drawer.

Is that really what you'd offer me? One drawer?

It's temporary.

You don't have to pretend that it's OK when it's not.

It doesn't have to be a thing.

I can just go and stay with someone else.

Nina...

I'm going to have a shower, OK?

And then I'm going to cook us some dinner.

And I'm not going to chuck you out.

One thing at a time, Nina.

Nina.

Jimmy!

What are you doing here?

Her. Come on... this is bullshit.

Mum! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Shoulder barge.

Want to hear a song? Is it a love song?

Kinda.

Mick, I got held up.

Tim, it's not a problem.

Um, I think I've got your song. Great.

It's a bit rough.

Oh, this is my brother Andrew. Tim.

He's not sticking around for the song, though.

Oh, why not? Come on.

No, no, no, I'll stay.

OK.

Why is who you are 'cause you is who I am

And who I am don't mean a thing

If there's no you and there's no me

And round we go again

How does the known become unknown?

The stone that splits apart from stone

No-one to put it back together

It never ends, love

My head's a blender

My head's a blender

But in the end, love

Hell, I surrender

Yeah, I surrender. That's... that's great. Yeah, you think?

Andrew?

Yeah, yeah, it's really... really great.

Nina.

Dad.

Oh.

I kept getting all these phone calls from Billie and Patrick... "Where's Nina?"

And I thought, "Well, I reckon I can guess."

Oh, I didn't know where else to go.

I just thought if I could... if I could just get in.

Well, you won't be able to get in without the insurance form.

Yeah, I know, but it's inside with everything else.

No, no. No, it's not.

I've been looking everywhere for that.

You gave it to me for safekeeping.

Did I? Yeah.

It lives in my office.

When we were talking earlier I said, you know, time to get on with it.

I thought you meant me. Oh.

You've had it all this time.

Yeah, well, that's more or less what I've been doing with my day...

you know, just hoofing around offices

and sorting everything out.

So, um, all you need to do is, um... sign this

and then, uh, it's done.

And, uh, oh, I got you these.

Just a few little everyday things.

Oh, and uh... this.

All day I felt so alone, Dad.

And the whole time everyone's been rushing around me, trying to help me

and I...

and I just wanted...

Can I say something?

I was mad about you the second you were born.

I'm still mad about you

and I'm never going to stop being mad about you.

You're the only father I know.

And you're the only one that I what.

Sweetheart.

Oh, my phone.

You get that. No, it's just a message. It's...

Oh, it's Mum.

"Ready to talk."

You want to come?

What on earth are you wearing?

Its Billie's.

Oh. Oh, it looks... good.

Nina... you know Darcy was never faithful to me.

I know that.

No, you don't know the half of it.

All the... dalliances, and how much they hurt.

There was a time after Billie was born...

I had a week, a mad week...

when I lost my mind.

A week... compared to all the years of Darcy.

And now...

it turns out that one mad week resulted in you.

I always believed Darcy was your father.

If it hadn't been for Cherie...

No, no, Mum... Cherie's part of this family, too.

She has as much right to wreck it as the rest of us.

Mum, what the hell were you thinking?

Do you know what you put me through? Excuse me.

Oh, you look good. I'm sorry, everyone.

I didn't know how to react to this.

But I've decided... no more secrets.

No more secrets.

Billie...

when you were three months old, I... dropped you on your head.

You what? Isn't this about Nina?

Well, was I alright?

At the time the guilt almost killed me.

You were this precious little thing and you fell out of my hands.

Babies are resilient, aren't they?

Neens?

You're not supposed to drop them on their heads.

Oh, we did tests... you were fine.

Really, I'd forgotten about it.

But now I'm telling, OK?

And, uh, Jimmy,

you aren't... circumcised.

I'm pretty sure I am.

No, you were born that way.

I would never have done that to you.

We didn't think you needed to know.

What? Nina...?

It could be aposthia... rare congenital defect.

Oh, f... Not 'defect'. It's very rare.

You're a special boy. Oh, f...

Mum, spit it out. OK, who is Nina's biological father?

There are two possibilities.

What? Two?

Oh, Mum... What?

Why do you think I've been hiding? Two?!

The first possibility is the local GP I used to go to... Dr Noonan.

I knew it. I knew it.

And the second possibility is... a council parking inspector.

At least, that's what he was at the time.

His name's Daniel or Darren.

It was something starting with D.

How did you?

Well, I had parked illegally and he was giving me a ticket,

but I persuaded him not to.

And then?

One thing led to another.

Mum, I... I think I'm impressed.

Wait, wait, wait, are you saying

you had sex with a parking inspector right there on the street?

I don't want to talk about it. Was that 'yes' or 'no'?

I DON'T want to talk about it. Well, where was I?

Just off somewhere, bouncing around on my head?

Anyway...

now you know.

You know, with all the craziness today,

were you worried about us... you and me?

No. You weren't?

No. Why? I was.

I've been running around all day scared that

'cause now we're half-sisters that everything would be different.

And how much better than me you were at gymnastics.

I barely even remember gymnastics.

I always thought, you know, with you and me,

we got the same batch of genes,

but you made it work and I just... couldn't.

No.

But now it's kind of OK, because...

you really are different.

You're the only person I haven't doubted today.

The only reason I wanted to do gymnastics was to be like you.

Big day, huh? Pretty big.

I'm sorry. No, I am.

My father could be a parking inspector.

Or a doctor.

We're not sure.

My mother had a "mad week". Your family!

I know. The way they do things.

It's exhausting! No, it's exciting.

I want to live with you.

Really? I don't want you to move in with me.

We should get a place together.

Do you want to?

Yes.

Yeah?

So, a doctor or a parking inspector?

Yep. I love you.

Did you get that?

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