All language subtitles for Offspring s02e07 Cheating on Your Test.eng

- I'm selling the house.
- But this is our home.

- We should list it as soon as possible.
- I've actually already listed it.

Darcy, you old hound.

I think I just agreed
to go to the ball with Martin Clegg.

I'll deliver down here,
get the baster ready. Over to you.

It's a simple conversation.

I ring to offer an apology,
somehow it got difficult.

Because you are
completely maddening, Patrick.

Jimmy and Tammy
are getting married today.

I'm just really confused

and I don't think I should
be making any big decisions.

Tammy said that... she can't
go through with it today.

Jimmy is still asleep.

Is sleeping so much
a sign he's depressed?

Only two weeks
since he was dumped at the altar.

No. He's coped with his grief
fairly well.

Hello. You must be Nina.

Hello.

Maybe Jimmy's robust response
is healthy.

When my marriage disintegrated

I cowered in my burrow
eating tubs of rice pudding

and watching British bonnet dramas.

Morning, doctor.

Who's Jimmy playing with
this morning?

Zara. Hi.

Hey.

A work colleague
in my kitchen, in her undies,

with her hands on my brother's...

Oh, look away, look away.

How should you play this?
Be the hostess?

Would you guys like some breakfast?

Yeah. Yeah, whack some toast on.
That'd be great.

Zara and I just kept on
bumping into each other

when we were in different places.

Jimmy can't spin his usual bullshit

seeing as I know heaps
about your family.

Meditate on the toast.

Why doesn't someone
invent a transparent toaster

so you'd know
when the toast was perfect?

You know you can buy
see-through toasters now.

- Yeah. It was fun.
- Yeah.

Can I get your number?

Look at the way they
navigate the casual encounter.

No fuss. Teflon coated.

Oh, Nina, do you mind
if I get a lift to work with you?

Sure. You go and pop some clothes on
and we'll cruise into work.

Billie.

Can I drink
at the last supper tonight?

Oh, don't call it the last supper,

like someone
is about to be crucified.

No. Billie is right.

Mum's selling off our family home

with heartless disregard
for our feelings.

The auction is next week

and I'm gonna make a little video
to honour the house.

Tonight's just a simple dinner
so that everyone can say goodbye.

I can't drink tonight
if I might be pregnant.

It's been 14 days
since the seed was planted.

The wee-on-the-stick tests
are all negative so far but...

You can't expect to get pregnant
during the first cycle, Billie.

I have possible symptoms. I have,
like, a metallic taste in my mouth.

That's because she's got
a thermometer

under her tongue constantly.

Go look at my wee.
I am not looking at your wee.

OK. Poke my breast.

Does it feel different?

My boosies are sore
when Mick pokes them.

Will you...
Where is that... Let me in.

What are you doing, you weirdo?

I'm still here, you guys.

Things smell peculiar to me now.

Just go and buy another pregnancy
test and stop tormenting me.

But 6% of negative tests
are false-negatives.

Oh, tell her
to get off the internet.

What if there's another
false-negative

and then I come over tonight
desperately depressed

and I get stonkering drunk

and then I find out tomorrow
that I am pregnant...

Help me! Help me! Help me!

Just come by the hospital
and I'll take some blood.

You'll have the results
by the end of the day.

OK. Thanks, Neens.

Oh!

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Morning.
Morning.

Just wishing
that things go well

for every patient on the floor today.

Good test results,
healthy babies and happy parents.

Please don't let that man
get under my skin.

Good morning.

Don't explain,
just smile enigmatically.

Oh, that must have looked strange.

I just had the urge to wish
everyone the best on the ward today.

Not that I'm superstitious, I don't
believe in that sort of nonsense.

I know you aren't.

You're the type of person
who works diligently

getting the best for everyone.

I think diligence
is an admirable quality.

It is. I agree.

Said with a smirk.

There was no smirking at any time.

I'm a non-smirker.

A shocking, shocking pun...
which for your sake I'll ignore.

So should I see you next week?

I think now the baby is cooperating,
head down,

I don't think I need to see you
until 38 weeks.

Just try and relax now.
It's the exciting stage.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

The lift was broken,
I had to use the fire stairs.

Useless.

Well, everything's fine.

- All good.
- Great. Excellent.

You can make it up to me
by taking me to your parents'.

Deal. They've got a pool.
Ohh!

I can just float in the water
like a dugong.

Very good.
A beautiful dugong.

No. The lift is broken.
Oh.

Bye, Louise. Bye, Stef.

Oh, the stairs?

- What's going on?
- Tell Nina.

As you know,
I don't believe in gossip.

- Oh, this is beyond gossip.
- OK. Tell me.

- Tell her.
- Tell me.

Well, you know how Martin Clegg
has been pursuing me,

he's been very... very keen

but misguided.

Oh, he even got himself
a pick-up line.

Oh, Lordy, Lord, no.

Well, here I am.
What are your other two wishes?

Therein lies the limit
of my social ability.

So... I took pity on him.

You know, you could just ask a woman
out for a drink after work.

Come on.

So it was a charity root.

Yeah.

But... it was a curiosity root too.

Can he even do sex?

Right.

I'm not going into
any more private details with you.

Good.

OK.

Eeeh!

Actually, it doesn't really hurt
at all.

- You're quite good at this.
- Mmm.

Be realistic about the odds, Billie.

There's only ever a 20% chance of
pregnancy during the first cycle.

And at my age
it goes down to blah-blah per cent.

It's OK, Neens, you don't have to
protect me from disappointment.

Maybe I do because you seem a bit...

Can wanting it this much
create hormonal changes

that will make conception
more or less likely?

Press on that for a bit.

Please let Billie and Mick
have the baby they want.

Oh, don't get your hopes up too much.

- Yeah?
- My blood is on its way to the lab.

Oh, great.

Well, you could sound
a bit more excited.

I know what you're like,
Billie.

I don't want you to get your hopes
up and then feel ratshit if...

- Do you want me to call you?
- Of course.

OK.

Billie. Any news?

We'll know by this arvo.

We mustn't be disappointed
if it hasn't taken this time.

Indeed, madam.
Expectations must be kept low.

Hello again.

Hey, I want to invite Andrew
to the last supper.

What?

It's a perfect opportunity for him
to meet the extended Proudmans.

And you're going to introduce him
to the family as what?

We haven't discussed
how this is going to work.

Look, the family is relatively
unpsychotic at the moment.

Slow down. There's still a heap
of stuff we haven't discussed...

We will, OK? I've got to go.

And the lady in 302
is squeezing her legs together,

hoping that her husband gets here
for the birth.

It might be a good idea
if you speak to her

because she apparently
doesn't want to take any advice...

Concentrate on what Zara
is saying. Don't think about it.

- You're uncomfortable.
- What? Am I?

- Maybe we should talk about this.
- Oh, what?

Why should my having sex
with your brother

affect my working relationship
with you?

Oh, it doesn't.

The truth is
it's none of my business.

I'm going to go check on the woman
in 302.

The house I grew up in.

Even as I film this now,

my mother is off inspecting
some soulless new property

she will buy with the proceeds from
selling our beloved family home.

Let us now go inside
and have a look.

Cut.

Alright.

The hallway through which
Billie, Nina and I

would enter and exit the house.

Aha.

This is the doorframe where Mum
would record our heights every year.

This is where Billie tried to trim
weird-shaped bits off her ears

with mother's good scissors.

Disgusting.

So many memories indelibly burned
into the corner of every...

Oh, yuck!

Oh!

Jimmy, is your mother at home?

Um, I... I'm making a film
about the house before it gets sold.

Oh, that's a lovely idea.
Can I have a look?

No, no, no.
Let me edit it properly first.

Alright. OK. Well, I'll...

Hey. Hey, I'm thinking about, um,
doing some more external filming.

Um, do you remember
our old neighbours, the Pronks?

Oh.

When... when I was 14,

Jade Pronk and I had this code
with the venetian blinds

so we could rendezvous out behind
the compost bins for a cheeky pash.

Oh, you.
Risky business, though.

Jade's father was a man of more
muscle than brain, as I recall.

- Hello, my love.
- Hi, Darcy.

- Hi, Jim.
- That's a wrap for today. I'm off.

Alright, darling. Bye.

Phil's here and we're just
going over a few things.

- Why don't you come in?
- Right.

Nina. There's a patient
coming up to us from emergency.

It's one of your patients,
Louise Miller.

She's been in a car accident.

The A&E guy thinks
she's had an abruption.

She's having a massive bleed. We'll
have to do a crash caesar, yeah?

Yep.

Quickly.

How bad does the bleeding look?

Bad. Clotting is bad.

- I think we've got some DIC.
- Shit.

- Are you gonna do a hysterectomy?
- Hoping not.

Not unless it's the only thing
I can do to save her life.

- Does she have other kids?
- No. First baby.

Right.

- How bad is the blood loss?
- BP is down to 50.

I want to try
compression B-Lynch sutures.

- Do you think we can risk it?
- Yeah.

I can keep her at this level
for a bit so try it.

Good.

- Tell me when I run out of...
- Yeah. Don't worry, I will.

We're so sorry
you lost your baby.

We don't want to lose you.

- Hey, beautiful.
- Hi.

This is a nice surprise.

- Ooh.
- Picnic.

- Impressed?
- I'm very impressed.

And I'm starving.

- But I'm filthy so let me clean up.
- Mmm.

Oh.

Come on. You said we should talk to
Andrew before he meets the family.

Yeah. When I said 'we' I meant we.

I thought this part, the waiting
to see if you were pregnant part,

was just about you and me.

Well, it is.

And now we've got
bloody Tom Selleck involved

it's like 'Two Men and a Baby'.

Stop it.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Wow! Billie, that looks fabulous.
- Oh, thanks.

- Fabulous bottle to go with.
- Ooh.

Oh, no, can't. Just in case.

- Mick?
- Uh, no thanks.

Alcohol and gardening don't mix.

OK, so this is a working lunch,
slash, strategy meeting

so that we can discuss arrangements
for the possible baby.

So eat. Eat.

No. No! Out.

Ooh, hot beverage. Wouldn't say no.

How is the old sales campaign going,
then, if you don't mind me asking?

You have every right to ask.
You're co-owner of the property.

That's right. I am.

No. I'm just, uh...

Maintaining a hands-off stance
vis-a-vis the transaction.

Absolutely.

Darcy, um... I'm observing
your quiet agony

with this important life passage,

this relinquishing
of a cherished family...

You can give that a rest.

I do the life passage
speech to vendors myself.

Ah.

Well, I'm not agonised
about selling.

I can't wait for a spanking
new apartment with a view

and no maintenance.

Yeah. Right.

And from my point of view,
Geraldine's desires come first.

Always. Mmm. Always.

Uh, Darcy, I'd like you to have
a look at one of my properties.

I'd appreciate your honest opinion.

Uh, where are we... there we are, nice
little mansion. What do you think?

Oh, um...

Yep.

Uh... yes. Six?

Well, he's dreaming.
I'll put it to the vendor.

OK.

As previously discussed, Mick's name
goes on the birth certificate

and 'Uncle Andrew' visits
as often as he likes,

within reasonable limits.

OK. Agreed?

Yeah? OK.

Um, and I was thinking
that we should discuss

when the right time might be

for the child to learn about
his or her genetic origins?

Um, just before we do that, um,
I would like to set up a trust fund

for the kid's education.

No way.

Sperm, yes. Money, no.

Yeah. That sounds about right.

Oh, come on, you boofhead, it's
just a way for me to contribute.

Andrew wouldn't be giving the money
to us.

It would just be so the baby
had options for uni or...

Fine. Whatever. You two
seem to have it pretty worked out.

No. Mick, don't cave in
if you don't agree.

- No. We have to be honest, Mick.
- Oh, OK. OK.

Well, uh, honestly

I think we should draw this
strategy meeting, slash, work lunch

to a close.

- Why?
- I've got work to do.

Mick?

We don't even know
if you're pregnant yet

so this is all a bit premature.

You're the one that said
we needed to talk this stuff through

and now...

- Um, I better go.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry.
Thank you so much for coming.

That's OK.

I'll call you about the tests.

- See you, Mick.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I hate sulky.
I'd rather a blistering row.

I know, but it's not gonna happen.

You and Andrew should be able
to talk stuff out.

Sorry we're not like the Proudmans.
We Hollands, we're normal people.

And like normal people
we bottle things up

until it forms a festering pustule
under the skin.

Oh, that's lovely.

Yeah. Well, mess with my family,
that's what you get.

Are you having second thoughts
about this sperm donor thing?

It might be too late.
I mean, the sperm is in.

Oh, well, is there any room
for second thoughts

once the Billie Proudman juggernaut
is trundling through town?

I just wanted you
to be excited with me.

Nina.

I'm sorry about what happened today.

That was a terrible thing
for everybody.

Yes. It was.

How is the mother?

Louise is in ICU.
She's still sedated.

They're going to move her
to a room soon.

Right.

Uh, you did well.

Impressive bit of emergency surgery.

Uh... Nina, be proud of the fact

that you saved
that woman's future fertility.

Well, uh...

well done today
in difficult circumstances.

- Thank you, Martin.
- OK.

Louise.

- Nina?
- How are you feeling?

How's the pain?

Well, I can't...
l can't really feel... What...?

You and Stef
were in a car accident.

- Is Stef OK? Is he OK?
- Yes. Stef is OK.

He has some injuries,
mainly to his legs,

but he's going to be fine.

Is the baby OK?

We had to do an emergency caesarean

and there was a lot of trauma
and blood loss.

I couldn't save your baby, Louise.

I'm so sorry.

I tried. I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Can I see?

Of course you can.

Course you can.

It's hard not to feel...

Like a failure?

I just want to sit here for a bit,
feel like shit.

When I was a kid,

I used to think I could keep everyone
in my house safe...

with a protective force-field
if I just... concentrated hard enough.

I have to go straight from here
to a family dinner.

It's hard to be around people
who have had a normal day.

Can't explain.

But you can still have
a decent time, though.

Keep separate compartments
in your head.

Have a few drinks.

Whatever happens at work,

you can enjoy other parts of life
so come on.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Really not in the mood for this.
- Me neither.

This is the first Proudman family
gathering since my almost wedding.

Ohh, I didn't know you were so...

I mean, it seemed like
you've been having quite a bit of fun

the last couple of weeks.

Yeah, well, fun times have been had

and my pubic hair
is regrowing all fluffy and downy

like a little duckling.

Well, that's symbolic of new life
after... you know.

Yeah. I do enjoy a good symbol.

But you're still feeling a bit...

I don't know.

Sometimes I'll be
in the middle of something fun

and then suddenly I'll remember,
"Oh, yeah, that's right,

"I'm the fuckwit who got engaged
to a girl he hardly knew

"and then got jilted
at the registry office."

Oh, Jim.

I...I had my whole future
planned out with Tammy

and then, pfff... it evaporated.

If it was in my power to make
everything wonderful for you,

I would.

I know you would.

I sprung our mother
having sex with him today.

Ph... Phil...

D'Araboner. Yeah.

Does Dad know?

But if you see Mum squirm,
you'll know why.

Come on, no avoiding this.

You go ahead.

Move a bit quicker,
I want to get it all on camera.

Remember to wait
when we get to the hallway

so I can get you
coming into the kitchen.

Yeah. It's good

Neens? Wait.
I want to get you coming in.

- Oh.
- Excuse me.

Alright. Come.

Hi, everyone.

- Hi.
- Hey.

How is the videoing going?

Um, yeah. Yeah. I got some
interesting stuff.

Oh. Oh, dear.

- Are you right?
- No. Look, darling, it's fine.

Everything is under control.
Oh, turn that ridiculous thing off.

Oh, righto, Mum.
Keep your top on - literally.

Hi.

Hi. Billie, I'm sorry
I couldn't get your test results.

Oh, they said you were really busy.

Yeah. The lab was backed up too.

Oh, well, soda water for me.
Just to be on the safe side.

Hey, Aunty Neens.

Hello, beautiful. Hello, beautiful.

Hello? Have I got the right house?
Is this the Proudmans'?

Oh, hi, Andrew.
Hi.

Um, welcome to the, well,
soon-to-be former family home.

Um, oh, um...

you've met Cherie.

- Hello.
- Hi, Cherie.

Um, and these are all assorted
Proudmans. This is Andrew Holland.

Darcy Proudman.
Pleased to meet you, Andrew.

- I've got some wine here.
- Oh, lovely. Thank you.

It's... it's Andrew's sperm
that's...

Oh, you're the brother.

- Yes.
- Tremendous.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

Well, sit down, everybody.

And this of course will be the
last time we all eat at this table.

Wait, wait, Mum.

- Alright. Go.
- Oh. Yes.

Well, um, to commemorate the occasion

I've made everyone
their favourite kiddie dish.

So we have bad-for-you potatoes
and little triangular pillowy things.

And the squeaky cheese salad.

And for dessert,
chocolate squirty balls.

Alright.

Actually, Mum,

none of us really liked
that salad with squeaky cheese.

Yes. Course you did.

No. We all hated it, Mum.
Really?

Oh, I thought you...

Oh, well, just got a bit confused.
But you like it now.

Yeah. We love it now, Mum.
It's a beautiful spread.

It does look fantastic.

- Welcome.
- Thank you.

Turn that wretched thing off.

What happened today
and what's happening right now

can coexist in the universe -
it's OK.

Oh...

Just from what I know,

you've been with an old guy,
a jaunty emergency worker...

Jaunty?
Oh, he was jaunty.

And then a medical genius/weirdo.
Is there a pattern?

I don't think I see things
the same way as you do.

Isn't Clegg your boss?
No.

The director of nursing is my boss.
Dr Clegg is my colleague.

I mean, you know, I know you're
still hurting about the Tammy thing

but really, Jim,
you've just got to lighten up a bit.

No. No, Mum, I'm actually...

What, you running around town

having a whole series
of superficial rebound flings.

Well, I actually have been enjoying
quite a...

Go for it, darling.

It's just the next time
you have a proper girlfriend,

please, just choose carefully.

- What?
- Music.

I'm trying to say
something nice about your music.

Is this supposed
to make up for the fact

that I've got special-needs sperm?

Please, let's not fight.

You hear patronising
when it's just not there.

Fine, Andrew. Whatever.

I'm just wanting to know, what's
on the sexual menu with Clegg?

Why don't you keep your sticky beak
out of my sexual activities

with Martin Clegg?

Wow!

You know what, Billie,
he grinds me like a good coffee.

Oh, really! Cherie, really?

I'd go easy on Cherie, Mum.
It's not like you can criticise.

Check it out, Andrew, this is the
gene pool you decided to dive into.

You chose them.

I just tossed in some
genetic material to give you a baby.

Argh!

- What are you, five?
- Yeah. Right now I'm five and a half.

Mick? Up, up, up, up, up.

- Mick! Mick! Mick!
- Billie, get out of it.

- Billie, move.
- What? Get off. Get off.

It's alright.

- Hello.
- Hi, Zara. It's Nina.

I'm just ringing
to see how Louise is doing.

Well, she's doing OK.
She had some family in to visit.

Oh, good. Oh, that's good.

Hey, listen, you don't happen to have
Billie's test results, do you?

Hang on two secs.

Please let it be positive.

You're pregnant.

- Really?
- Congratulations.

You're going to be a mum.

- You're going to be an aunty.
- I know!

Aunty Nina.

It is.

It's probably not a big deal
for you, is it, because you...

Oh, God, it's such a big deal
for me, Billie.

It's a big deal
because it's special. It's you.

I'm pregnant!

Can't keep the compartments
separate. I need to go now.

Oh, my God.

We're gonna have
a baby! We're gonna have a baby!

Gonna have a baby!
Gonna have a baby!

Mum? What's up with Mum?

Oh, my darling girl.
You're going to have a baby.

And I want to see my grandchildren
running around this house,

eating little chocolate
squirty balls at this table.

How can they do it
if the house is sold?

Oh, darling,

our grandchildren can eat
chocolate squirty balls anywhere.

It doesn't have to be here.

No. It has to be in this house
at this table.

I'm not going to sell the house.

We're not selling
the house, hey!

We're not selling
the house, yeah!

We're not selling the house, yay!

We're not selling
the house, yeah!

No, no, no. Dad, wait.

You've been having sex
with Phil D'Arabont.

Phil D'Ara...

Why does it have to be
Phil D'Arabont?

Bloody hell, Geraldine.

This is a kick in the guts.

This is just... this is too much.

- No. Turn that bloody thing off.
- It's off. It's off.

Uh, excuse me.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

I just dropped past
to see how Louise was doing.

Yeah. I just checked. She's OK.

- She's asleep.
- Good. Oh, good.

- Sleep's good.
- Yeah.

Hmm. I'll just leave her to it, then.
Won't disturb her.

- Are you knackered?
- I'm completely knackered.

So am I.

Have you even been home?

I go over the day in my head.

I get a rush of adrenaline
so... there's no way I could sleep.

Mmm. Or be around normal people.

Oh, how was your family thing?

- Selected highlights?
- Yes, please.

My brother's pubic hair
is regrowing like a fluffy duckling.

My sister's pregnant.

Really.

Oh, wow. That's great.

Yeah. It is.

- We're getting the hairy eyeball.
- Yeah. I know.

- Better go home and sleep.
- Yeah.

- Oh, that lift is out of order.
- Have to take the fire escape.

You can get to the foyer
through here.

Oh, they don't normally lock this.

Are you sure it's locked?
Here, let me try.

You just ravished a man
you don't even know

and, until today,
you didn't even like.

Patrick?

Hmm.

Hi.

- You OK?
- Yeah.

- I should go home now.
- Do you have to?

Mmm. I do.

OK. Here, let me get dressed.

No. Stay there. I'll be fine.

- Are you sure?
- Mmm. I'm fine.

Goodbye.

Hey.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Not quite sure
what just happened.

Don't interrogate it now. Stay in
your body. Don't think too much.

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