Original subtitles

- Yeah! - All right!

Give me a Jack and a beer back.

All right, out of here.

Come on.

You know the rules.

The elf bar's right down the street by the cop bar.

You Santas stink.

Next Santa that talks down to me...

...is gonna be "Ho, ho, ho-ing" in soprano.

Hey, who left the ornament on the floor?

He's a high little kicker, huh?

- Hey, Bundy. - Hey, Bundy.

Iskowitz. Gates. Braunstein.

- How's it going over at your mall? - Well, I've been peed on...

...spit on, snotted on...

...drooled on and thrown up on, and now it's Miller time.

Give me a beer.

Here's to the death of Christmas forever.

Who are they?

Street-corner charity Santas. They think they're better than us.

They're doing it out of goodness.

If you do good for others, you are repaid tenfold.

- Why, you son of a... - Hey.

Easy, big guy. It's not your fault. He goaded you.

It's just this damn Christmas has got me down.

Nobody cares what we want.

Anybody want me?

Well, I was gonna go see Aladdin, but...

Now, there's a guy with Christmas spirit.

You know, nothing makes you feel like a kid again at Christmas...

...like opening a two-pack of hooters.

I'm gonna have a great time with the extra money.

I gotta buy gifts for the family.

I used to have a foolproof system for Christmas.

I invented it in 1974.

Hey, look, is that Daddy?

No. He won't be anybody's daddy.

Okay, kids, Daddy will be home any second with our Christmas gifts.

He said if we were good, we'd get gifts. And we've been good.

As far as he knows.

Now, little Bud, what would you like for Christmas?

Playboys, hooters. Playboys, hooters.

His first words.

How about you, Kelly?

Well, I want peroxide and high heels...

...and a "Dy-no-mite Jimmie JJ Walker" doll.

Playboys. Hooters.

Munchkin. Bed wetter.

Oh, now, now...

Honey, it's okay. Those are the only words he knows.

Like hell.

Now, how about you, little Buck? What would you like for Christmas?

I want that little chuck wagon to run through the house...

...and put food in my bowl.

I sure hope Daddy hasn't spent all our Christmas money...

...on new brakes for the car. - Look out. No brakes. No brakes.

- Daddy's home. - Presents.

- Presents. - Hooters.

- Presents. Presents. - Hooters. Hooters.

Oh, good. Marriage has yet shrunk me another inch.

There's not much left to spare, honey.

This is the last year I'm working in a shoe store.

A fat woman came into the store today.

Wanted some shoes for a Christmas party.

Told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt...

...and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree.

Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she's fat.

- Daddy? - What?

I forgot.

Oh, yeah. Daddy?

What?

I forgot again.

Don't say "what" next time.

- Okay, pumpkin. - Okay.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Daddy?

What?

Now you made me forget again.

Al, do you wanna see our Christmas lists?

Oh, yeah... Christmas.

Well, you know, I don't have much money.

What with all that damn dog eats.

But it is Christmas, so...

...have you been good? - Oh, yes, very good. Yes.

Well, that's too bad...

...because my present money situation... Well, I could probably get...

...some, you know, crummy gifts...

...or one of you could get one really nice gift.

You know, the kids really don't like you anymore.

You know, the kids hate you.

It seems like none of you have been very good.

Hooters?

Playboys.

- Playboys? - Hooters.

Nah, not this year. Maybe next year.

- If you're good. - Daddy?

What good is this gonna do, you're just gonna forget.

No, I won't.

Daddy?

What?

It was perfect.

It worked every year, until two weeks ago.

So every year that Daddy has any money at all...

...he gets us to turn on each other.

Then we don't get any presents.

What are we gonna say this year...

...when he tries to get us to snitch on each other?

- Bud was bad. - Kelly was bad.

- Let's tell on Mom. - Kids, please.

Come on. Now, kids...

Now it's happening again. We're turning on each other already.

That's why this year I have a plan.

For the two weeks before Christmas, we are family.

And who's the enemy?

Daddy!

That's right. Now, what do we want for Christmas?

- A CD player. - Toys.

A new watch.

Playboys, hooters. Playboys, hooters.

Look out. No brakes. No brakes.

Daddy's home.

This is the last year I work at the shoe store.

A fat woman came in the store today...

...said she wanted some shoes for a Christmas party.

Told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt...

...and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree.

Daddy, you told us that one already. It happened 18 years ago.

No, it didn't, it happened today. I think.

Oh, my God. I'm telling the same stories over and over again like...

Like Shelley Winters on The Tonight Show.

I've gotta get out of the shoe business.

Yeah, Dad. Senile around with someone who cares.

We got our Christmas lists ready.

Oh, Christmas. Well, you know, I don't have too much money.

Well, I could probably get a bunch of crummy gifts for you...

...or one of you could have one really nice gift.

Oh, a united Bundy front, eh?

Well, I've got bad news for you.

You can't outsmart Daddy because I'm broke.

Rather than see your disappointed faces on Christmas morning...

...Daddy will be at the nudie bar.

Now...

...who wants to get old Dad a beer?

Honey, you'll have plenty of money for gifts this Christmas.

We're gonna help you out. We all got jobs.

You all got jobs?

Oh, man, you guys are the greatest.

You got jobs? Well, what kind of jobs did you get for yourselves?

No. Not for us.

For you.

- Let's tell him, kids. - Okay.

With twelve days till Christmas Your family got for you

- Twelve days fruit picking - Eleven, off-ramp selling

- Ten, toilets cleaning - Nine, digging graves

- Eight, snaking sewers - Seven, spearing rats

- Six, training guard dogs - Five, giving blood

- Four, crash-test dummying - Three jobs roach killing

- Two jobs dog catching - And one job Santa-ing at the mall

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

No, no, no.

Get him off of me.

Get him off of me.

What's he want a pony for anyway, to put between two slices of bread?

Next.

What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

Well, I want an end to pollution.

Let's start here.

Always remember that Santa hates you.

Yeah? What's he gonna do?

Make me a shoe salesman?

Next.

What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

A husband to yell at and torture.

Well, I'm sure you'll get one.

What would you like for Christmas?

A cure for the measles.

Next.

Hi, Santa.

Did one of your reindeer make a no-no?

I'm sorry. That must be the Ghost of Foot Fungus Past.

You don't have to tell Santa what you want for Christmas.

You want a pair of breasts.

Just like a grown-up woman.

But Santa says, "Be happy with what you've got.

The body of a young boy."

Here, little girl, have a candy cane.

You giving out replicas now, Al?

Well, in that case...

Marcie?

I'm sorry, young fella.

Marcie?

Sorry. Thought you were my wife.

Excuse me, son.

Hey, Marcie.

Good, I've been looking all over for you.

I found a store that carries that pump-up bra you wanted.

Now you can pump them up to be any size you want...

...and you won't have to take Al's insults any more.

And the only one who will know they're not real is you.

And me.

And me.

Look, Marcie, it's Al.

Oh, God. I'm glad I didn't say anything that would embarrass me.

Oh, hey. I won't say nothing.

But I'd build her arms up first. From what I can see...

...she needs to do a lot of pumping.

Hey, move the little boy.

Yeah, we're waiting.

Hey, kids. Santa gives us so much...

...what say we give him something back?

Yeah!

And a-one, and a-two, and:

Bundy the no man

He's as bald as he can be

With hair in his nose And rot on his toes

He's as bald as he can be

Just the boys.

Bundy the no man

- Just the girls. - He's as bald as he can be

- Everyone. - He's entered old age

Making minimum wage

He's as bald as he can be

And around.

Bundy the

- No man - Bundy the

- No man - Bundy the

- No man - Bundy the

- No man - Bundy the

Bundy...

So I did the 12 jobs in 12 days.

The worst was the crummy Santa gig.

I had so many knees in my groin, I thought I was in bed with the wife.

You better give me one more for the road and then I'm...

I'm off to buy presents.

I'd get you for my son, Bud...

...but he wouldn't know what to do with you.

"Bud."

"Peg."

"Seven."

"Kelly."

Ah, now, Buck, boy...

I forgot all about you.

Ah, but you're just a dumb little dog.

You probably don't even know it's Christmas.

That's okay. I have a little something for you.

It's called pee, and it'll be waiting in your slippers.

Yes, sirree, boy.

It's gonna be one fine Christmas.

I told you I smelled Daddy.

- Presents, you guys, we got presents. - Presents!

- Presents! - Look. Look. Look. It's me. Kelly.

It's me.

Oh, Al. You got me the watch I always wanted.

Daddy, a CD player, and my first CD.

"Herman's Hermits."

"I Am Henry the V-I-I-I One Am."

Kel, that's, "I'm Henry VIII, I Am."

Now, how could you possibly get that from that bunch of letters?

Oh, Dad...

A "Build Your Own Hooters" kit.

With the lifelike plastic.

"Build them, look at them...

...feel them, trade them with your friends.

Or put them on and just scare your mother."

God, did I need these.

Look, Mom. Hooters! Hooters!

Yes, they're very cute, dear. Here.

All right. Now, who's the best daddy in the world?

Daddy!

Then it was all worth it.

It was all worth it.

It was all worth it.

Wake up, buddy. It's closing time.

I was dreaming.

I gave my son breasts.

That's a very cool dream, sir.

Well...

...how much I owe you? - Nothing.

You already paid.

For everybody.

You were unconscious, but I felt you wanted to pay.

You being Santa and all.

And now, "Ray"...

...can we talk?

Where's Daddy with our presents?

Look out. No brakes. No brakes.

You know, he hit pretty hard. I hope nothing happened to our presents.

- Oh, presents. - Presents?

Presents.

Here's Santa with your presents.

Let's see, now. What do we got here? Bud. Son.

This is for you.

- "Ray's Bar"? - Just take it and go away.

Now, let's see. Seven.

Here. Your very first beer steins.

Wow, much cooler than a bike.

- All right. Now, pumpkin. - Is this for me? Is this for me?

What do we have in here for you?

Here you are, sweetie pie.

Now, there you go.

Now, sweetheart, you never have to learn how to read.

Even comes with its own wall. Cool.

Best of all, it's a Ray's.

Ah, now, Buck, boy, I forgot about you.

But you're just a dumb dog.

You probably don't even know it's Christmas.

And you don't know about the dead bird I left in your jacket.

Peg.

Try as I might, I couldn't forget about you.

Oh, Al...

I can't believe it.

But, honey, it says "Ray."

Well, sure, honey. That's because you're my little...

...ray of sunshine.

Oh, Al.

Oh, Ray.