All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0711 - Old College Try

She has no idea what she does to us.

She's the hottest babe at this,
or any, bank.

I seem to have a run
in my stocking.

That's right, want me.

Dream on, teller boys.

If that's for me, baby,
put a little gravy on it...

...and I'll take it home,
because it looks finger-licking good.

This is a bank, Bud...

...not a sex shop.

So besides saving you the cost
of renting Basic Instinct...

...what can I do for you?

Well, other than saving you the cost
of renting Lethal Weapon...

...you can cash this.

Twenty-five thousand dollars?

What could you possibly do
that would be worth $25,000?

What's that on your chin?

Have some of the stronger boys been
rubbing your face in the dirt again?

It's called a beard.

Surely you've seen one before
in the mirror.

Anyhow, it's part of my new
Ivy League image.

That cheque is a grant
from the Ridenaur Foundation.

I'm going all the way, all expenses
paid, to Tremaine University.

So because you've been a good girl,
I'll give you one final butt flex...

...and you can cash that.
And make it snappy.

- I've got cheques to write.
- Well, I'm afraid it's not that easy.

There are certain channels
we must go through.

First we must process the cheque,
then there's a waiting period, and...

Hey, baby.

Just got done
with my hair appointment.

Feel it, baby, feel it. Yeah.

Hey, Bud. High-five me, buddy.

Oh, wait. Nails aren't dry yet.

Air high-five.

Oh, you got a little dirt on your chin.

Look, babe, I don't have a lot of time.

I've only got about 20 minutes
till my massage.

So should we pop into the vault and
do the deed on the deeds, if you will?

Mrs. D'Arcy, before you perform
geriatric love gymnastics...

...I'd like to talk to you
about clearing my cheque.

All this business talk
is making me lose my edge, baby.

It's cleared. Here.

Here's a chequebook. Here's a pen.

That's still not a beard. Goodbye.

Hey, baby. Wanna go to lunch?

Did someone rub your face
in the dirt?

It's a beard.

You like the way it goes
with my chequebook?

Oh, sexy.

Yeah, and I love you for your mind.

Let's go.

I'm sorry, sir, but you can visit
your wife's ashes in 20 minutes.

Why don't you just keep her
under the mattress like normal people.

They won't let me see my wife.

Well, take a look at mine,
that ought to cure you.

You know, Peg, I feel good. I do.

I promised Bud I'd keep putting money
into his college fund...

...and I'm keeping my word.

I'd like to deposit this, thank you.

Are you depositing
the entire quarter?

Do I look Japanese?

I want 5 cents back, please.

And give it to me in ones.

You see, it's allowance day,
and we are a family of five.

You know, honey,
I am so proud of you.

We opened this account
when Bud was a baby...

...and now 20 years later,
with one deposit, you're doubling it.

Here's your receipt and your cash.

Would you like a bank guard
to escort us to the car?

Nah, we tip him and the valet guy,
we walk out of here with 3 cents.

Hey.

"Twenty-five thousand dollars
and 50 cents"?

Boy, that compound interest
really mounts up.

Wait a minute, Al.
Don't you get it?

The bank has made a mistake
in our favor.

Shut up. Now, just look normal.

All right, we have got to make
a withdrawal right away...

...before they find out
about their mistake.

Excuse me, please.

- We'd like to make a little withdrawal.
- I wanna say the number.

- I wanna say the number.
- Hush.

We would like to withdraw
25,000 dollars and 25 cents.

Yeah, and get that 25 cents
in pennies.

Not everybody can change a nickel
these days.

Ain't life grand?

What if the bank finds out
they made a mistake...

...and they want all their money back?
- That's why we bought perishables.

They can get it back all right,
but do they really want it?

Yeah, who'd want Daddy's tuxedo back
after it's been on his body?

Come and get it.

But what about
our shiny new appliances?

Well...

Not new anymore.

Now it's ours.

Now it's ours forever.

And so are you, pumpkin.

Gee, I wonder why Buck
would miss this meal.

What's going on here?

Park it, boy.

Come, my dear.

Gee, Bud, big news.

Not as big as mine.
Family, I'm moving out.

I'm going to Tremaine University
and I'm gonna live on campus.

I got a $25,000 grant.

Peg, this run of luck is unbelievable.

He got $25,000 too.
What are the odds?

- Al...
- No, not now, Peg.

No, my boy just got into
a bigtime college...

...and time for him and his dad
to have a little talk.

Personally, though, I never
wanted to talk to my dad.

Well, I'm not really like a dad,
more like a cool older friend.

You know, son, I know you're
always proud of your old man.

You bet, Dad.

Nice mashed-potato stain.

Anyhow, son, now I'm proud of you.

Well, you were never
a great athlete in high school...

God, it must have been cold
there in my shadow.

But then I thought it'd give you
more time for the chicks.

Then your personality killed that.

Then you brought home
report cards with all A's.

I didn't say anything at the time,
but then I was truly ashamed.

A boy getting all A's, you know.

Boy, did I hear about that
from the boys down at the barbershop.

But now, son, you're going
to a bigtime college.

And you're gonna get a chance to do
something that I've only dreamed of.

Make business contacts?

No, who wants to hang out
with a bunch of smart little...

...sexually-deprived A students,
wouldn't know a breast from a football...

...because they never
touched either?

You know the type
I'm talking about, son.

Yeah.

Anyhow, the only reason
I ever wanted to go to college...

...was to experience
one good panty raid.

And now you're gonna
do that for me, son.

But son, heed your father's advice:

Stay away from the big panties.

You'll see enough of those
on the shower rod after you're married.

Go for the little ones, boy.
Go for the little ones.

Because you don't want a girl
who wears big underpants.

Because a girl who wears
big underpants...

...has big stuff under her pants.

Thanks, Dad.

If it weren't for you, I'd probably
grab the first pair I saw.

Probably would have been a big one.

Well, folks, normally I'd ask
where all this stuff came from...

...but since I'm moving out tonight...

...let's just leave that little secret
between you and the sheriff's office.

I'm gonna go pack.

Honey, wash your face.
You have some dirt on your chin.

It's a beard. Never mind,
I'll wash my chin.

The important thing is,
I feel like a grownup.

I wrote a cheque for a year's deposit
on my dorm room...

...and I wrote a cheque for my tuition.

I bought a new wardrobe
and a few things for my dorm.

Now I'm gonna take my chequebook
and go buy me a nice little car.

Guys...

...this is the happiest day of my life.

We're all proud of you, son!

I think we stole his money, Peg.

Now, we agreed we love Bud too much
to tell him what we did.

His cheques are bouncing
all over town...

...and even if he didn't see himself
on America's Most Wanted, Kelly did.

So it's only a matter of time before she
realizes who he is and calls the feds.

Well, we just have to convince him
to quit school and come home with us.

Shouldn't be too hard.
The poor guy's probably homesick.

Longing for his mommy and daddy.

Who are you?

It's us.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry I didn't call.
Get used to it.

Come on in.

Jumping Jehoshaphat, what a room.

Yeah. We can't let you live like this.
You better come home with us...

...where at least you'll have
someone to talk to.

Hi, Bud.

Hi, girls. I'm sorry,
I'm not properly dressed.

Just give me one sec.

Bud, are you gonna introduce us
to your little friends?

Nope, don't think I am.

What can I do for you lovely ladies?

We just wanted to tell you
we'll be in the shower right next door.

So no peeking, now.

Your grandpa got lost.

We'll see you later,
you cute old man.

See that, Peg? They think I'm cute.

Yes. Honey, they must think
you're that rapper, Ice Age.

And, Bud, why do you have girls
in your dorm room?

Just part of my new lucky streak.
See, all the guys' dorms were full...

...so they put me
in the women's dorm.

Luckily they knew I was
mature enough to handle it.

Excuse me one moment.

That's low, son.

It's too low, you'll be looking
at kneecaps. Move it up, boy.

Move it up.

- Al, we are here to talk to Bud.
- I am talking to Bud.

Come on, boy,
make a hole for Daddy.

Well, perhaps this, as well as every
other task traditionally for the male...

...is up to me.

What your father would say, if his
tongue wasn't stuck in that peephole...

...is that we think college
is too much pressure for you.

We believe that you belong
in the Army.

They'll pay you and prepare you
for a nice career driving tanks...

...or shining shoes.

Your father never went to college
and look at him.

She dropped the soap.

Pick it up, baby.

Got soap in my eye. Peg.
Peg, I got soap in my eye.

Perhaps your father
is a bad example.

Of everything.

Mom, Dad, it's been more of a thrill
than you know.

Now, look, Bud, if you should decide
that you wanna come home...

...or not necessarily want to,
but have to...

...just remember
that our door is always open.

I know you're in there!

Let me in!

Now aren't you glad
I made you change the locks?

It was genius, Peg.

By the way, when do I get my key?

Open up! I want your hides!

We got the TV on real loud in here
and we can't hear you.

Free pizza delivery.

- That's your son, you idiot.
- But, Peg, what if you're wrong?

All right, stand back! I'm coming in!

- Thanks, pal.
- No problem.

But next time can we start
with the helmet on?

Hey, Bud, what's shaking?

Come here. I think we need to chat.

We're busy over here now, Bud.
It's your mother and I's quality time.

Come here now!

Funny thing happened to me today.

I was in my dorm room studying
when a bunch of babes came in...

...and invited me to my first
college pajama party.

But not just any pajama party.
A bottoms-only pajama party.

Save your pathetic high-five.

Because just as I was about to see
some Midwestern, corn-fed boobies...

...I was dragged away
by the campus police.

It seems that every single cheque
I wrote to the college bounced.

Do you have anything to tell me?

Well, it was your mother's idea.

- It was your father's.
- Your mother's.

- Your father's.
- Your mother's!

- It was your sister's.
- It was the girl's.

So you see, Bud, there's no reason
why we can't be friends.

Come on, Bud. We didn't mean
to do anything wrong.

We just thought we were stealing
from a bank.

Yeah, it was just one of those
madcap goofs that don't hurt nobody...

...except you.

Yeah. Well, I'm still gonna go
to Tremaine University.

I'll just live at home
and work off my $25,000 debt.

The good news is, after working
for 40 or 50 years...

...everything I earn will be mine.

Just like your father.

You're a real male Bundy now, son.

Come on, Bud. At least
you're getting an education.

You won't be stuck in some low-paying
waitress job like your sister.

Two hundred, 300, 400...

A one.

I am sure glad I didn't waste my time
in high school learning the three "arfs."

You know, something,
something and "arfrithmetic."

Well, I guess education works
for some people.

This guy came into the diner
who just graduated from your college...

...looking for a job as a busboy.
They said no.

We already had one from Harvard.

- Gee, honey, I'm really proud of you.
- You're not getting any.

Well, you need somebody
to help you count it.

That's true.

You'll need to open a bank account,
and I'll help you write cheques.

- Really?
- Yeah.

The first thing you need to know is
you need two names on the account...

...of people that can write cheques.
In case you forget your name.

Yeah. I don't want the same thing
to happen to me that happened to Bud.

Come on.

Yep.

You're down, aren't you, son?

Well, who could blame you?

What a catastrophe.

Yeah, there's no coming back
from this one.

It...

...was your mother's fault,
by the way.

And even though it wasn't my fault...

And always, always, please remember
it was your mother's.

- I'm gonna make up for it.

I'm gonna make sure, son, that you
get the real college experience.

Dad.

Big underpants.