Original subtitles

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Well I've been going through your files, and uh...

I can tell you... you are one sick...

Twisted individual.

How in the world did you get a donkey in to Mrs. Sherman's car?

[Chuckles]

The real question is how did I get it to drive?

I'm not like the others, Jerry.

You've met your match.

- Oh, really? - Mm hmm.

Well, I posted what I did to you on the Internet.

It's got 14 million hits. Type in "Principal wigs out".

Internet. Internet.

What you did to me? This is a career buster.

[Typing rapidly, computer beeps]

I'm gonna turn on the helicopter camera now.

Get it.

- [Yells] - [Laughing]

- [Yelling] - [Laughs]

Oh! It's over, Jerry.

Pack up your locker. You're going downtown to Charlie Brown!

I don't even know what that means.

You are expelled!

What?

- No. Expelled? - You're out of here, mister!

[Cell phone rings]

Oh, excuse me. That's my cell phone.

- [Cell phone rings] - Ah.

Oh, it's... it's the wife.

Yes, what is it, Dot?

What?! Oh.

But tonight is the Flamenco Dancing Finals!

Get... get, get. Charlie Brown.

[Sighs]

Look, this is our last chance to... to stick it to the Rosenbaums.

[Sighs]

Well, where am I gonna find a babysitter at the last minute?

Oh... oh. Yes, dear.

Yes. All right.

You know, I might be able to help you out with your little sitter sitch.

I'm listening. Go on.

I happen to work at the best child day care in the city.

They're booked solid, but I could get you in.

But I guess I'm expelled, so, you know, never mind.

Oh, tell the Rosenbaums I said Mazel tov on their victory.

[Clicks teeth]

Wait!

[Stammers]

Look, uh...

You get my son Byron in that day care center and, uh, well, we can...

We can forget about you being expelled.

Deal.

Whoa. Nice moves.

Hey. Do you Flamenco?

[Flamenco music playing]

Before I could walk, my father taught me the dance of the fiery legs.

Flame on, brother.

[Clicks staplers]

[Rock music playing]

- Don't... - Don't...

- You... - You...

Get all tough with me!

I'm saying...

- Won't... - Won't...

- You... - You...

Come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall!

That's just how we do.

And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Here we go, let's start the party!

Chop it up like it's karate.

Everybody!

- Don't... - Don't...

- You... - You...

Get all tough with me!

I'm saying...

- Won't... - Won't...

- You... - You...

Come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall!

That's just how we do.

And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Man, I can't believe how much bigger they're making the Mall.

You know, we really shouldn't be here without hard hats.

Why?

You see that guy way up there eating his lunch?

He drops a potato chip from that height, it'll cut you in half.

[Exhales sharply]

Uh-huh.

Scientifically that's not true.

Are you calling my mother a liar?

No, I'm just saying the woman's extremely loose with her science.

Jerry, this is my dojo.

It's a place of honor, respect, and integrity.

[Pig snorts, cow moos]

[Duck quacks, rooster crows]

Come on, Rudy. If we don't do this I'll get expelled.

This is not a day care center, and it never will be!

Dojo day care center. What a concept.

You're really gonna love it here, Byron.

I am nipping this in the bud right now.

- Rudy, come on. - Principal Buckett...

Who do I make out the $100 check to?

That would be Rudy Gillespie.

Uh, Milton, Eddie, take Byron, put him in the ball pit and give him a graham cracker.

I'm not touching this little snotbag.

That thing is wearing a toilet.

[Mouths words]

I'll take him.

- Hey, baby Byron. - There you go.

There you go. Later, Byron.

You don't have to worry about a thing, Principal Buckett.

I'm holding you responsible for my son, Jerry.

I'll be back at 7:00, and my legs will be smoldering.

Ole!

This really stinks, Jerry.

Oh, relax.

It's just a couple of hours with one little baby.

By the way, I, uh...

I put up a notice on the faculty bulletin board about this place.

[Murmurs]

[People chattering]

Whoa. Whoa... oh, hey. What's going on here?

Jerry: Whoa, whoa, uh...

[Babies crying]

[Yelps]

I think I just got babied.

Kickin' it with you!

Hey. Hey, hold it. Stop! Stop running!

[Kids chattering]

Stop running!

[Chattering, crying]

Hey, that kid's got my trophy again.

Get back here, you!

[Clanging]

No.

No!

He snapped my little man's head off.

You better sleep with one eye open during nap time!

- Rudy. - [Giggling]

[Mock laughing]

Rudy, where's Milton?

He's changing some baby's diaper.

He is? Well, what about his fear of germs?

[Breathes heavily]

Okay, we should be good now.

That diaper weighed more than he does.

We got an escapee! Pigtails walking!

Hey.

Back inside. Come on.

Hey, excuse me? Can I have my niece back?

Oh. No, I'm sorry. I thought she was one of ours.

Oh, no, no. I'm taking her over to the holiday suites.

My sister enrolled her in the Little Miss Seaford pageant,

then got sick and once again assumed old Joanie had no plans.

What were your plans?

Oh, I had no plans.

This is my talent for the pageant.

Oh. That is great. Really cute.

She is horrible.

What?

Those pageant kids have been groomed for years

by mothers who are lipstick-wearing pit bulls.

Your niece is gonna get eaten alive.

Holy Hanna!

Well... well, Rudy. You've had experience taking kids to competitive tournaments.

- You gotta come with me. - I couldn't possibly leave the dojo now.

[Yelling]

Oh! Bon Bon in the eye!

Oh.

I'll drive.

Oh. Your daughter is so pretty.

Oh, isn't she just?

We call her Sparkle because that's what she does.

Well, this is my niece.

We call her Gracie Bell because that's what she does.

Well. Don't you have a...

Unique look.

[Chuckles]

Don't y'all have a wig box?

Oh. I... I don't know. Uh, Rudy, do we all have a wig box?

We all don't believe in...

Boxing our wig.

We let our wig roam free. It's a free range wig.

[Sighs]

There's something I need to say, and this comes from the heart.

You people are gonna lose, so you should probably just leave.

What? Uh...

For your information, Miss, your Sparkle has no chance.

Our Gracie Bell is the essence of class, beauty, and refinement.

[Belches]

That was my chili dog barking.

[Giggles]

I think we're safe.

Oh!

Did you say we're safe?

Oh, whoa, whoa!

Oh, uh, Jerry, where's baby Byron?

What? I thought he was with you.

Both: Whoa.

- Baby Byron? - Baby Byron?

- Baby Byron? - Baby Byron?

- Baby Byron? - Baby Byron?

- Dude, he's not in here! - What?

[Whimpers]

I'm gonna be expelled.

Oh, forget expelled, I'm going to prison.

Oh, forget prison, I'm going to summer school!

Do you what they do to guys like me in summer school?

- Jerry, calm down. - No, I can't calm down.

I just lost the Principal's baby.

Yo. We lost the Principal's baby.

Okay, it's not like losing some English teacher's baby.

This is big time!

Jerry, he's outside, come on!

Uh, Eddie, Milton? You guys hold down the fort.

[Machinery whirring]

What? Dude. What happened? He was just here.

This kid's like a Cheetah in a diaper.

Look, he's gotta be around here somewhere. Find him!

I'm about to drop some Eddie knowledge on these fools!

- Ow! - [Laughs]

- This is our house. - No, it's not.

- Yes, it is. - Wait, who do think you are?

- No, it's not! - Whoa!

It's our house, buddy.

- Hey! - No, it's not!

- No, you don't! - No, it's not!

You heard him... ow! This is our house!

- Oh, ow. - This is our house.

- No! - Aah!

- Byron? - Byron, where are you, buddy?

- Yo, any luck? - No.

[Groans]

Look... look, if we can't find this baby,

we'll just have to give Buckett something that looks like one.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about slapping a diaper on a ham and drawing eyeballs on it.

[Baby cries]

Dude! Dude, there he is!

Jerry: [Gasps]

Hey, baby Byron.

Who doesn't want to get Jerry expelled?

You don't. No, you don't.

- Stay right there. - Who's a good boy?

You're a good boy.

- Hey, no! - Whoa!

- Stop! Hey! - Whoa, wait!

You're not a good boy! You're a very bad boy!

Ah, my baby! My baby!

Somebody save my baby!

[Intense music playing]

[Baby laughs]

[Baby fusses]

[Baby laughs]

Eyes done. [Chuckles]

Now, sit still, darling.

I'm gonna spray on that smile.

This is never gonna work. I can't believe you didn't bring any makeup.

Well, don't worry, Rudy. I got all the beauty

supplies we'll need at the breakfast buffet.

Now put more bacon in her hair.

And we'll use these donuts to powder her face.

Yeah.

And... to bring out her lips...

This jelly will do just fine.

What do you think?

Do you think they'll like me?

Oh, of course they will, honey.

You're smart, and pretty, and you smell like bacon.

[Giggles]

And who doesn't like bacon?

I can't wait to get out there with my stick and streamer.

[Giggles]

Your stick and streamer's not gonna cut it, doughnut face.

Kickin' it with you!

[Grunts]

[Clears throat]

How the heck did you get up here?

Took the elevator.

Look, you gotta stop fooling around, man. Buckett will be back for Byron any minute.

Jerry, I'm not fooling around. I just climbed all by my...

Jack! There he is.

[Gurgles]

I got this.

Now, you get back here this instant, young man!

[Giggles]

Well, that's all I had.

Here, baby Byron. Hey, hey!

- No, no! - No!

[Gasps]

Let's go.

I made a big mistake volunteering for this mission.

Seeing a dirty diaper changes a man.

[Spits]

[Grunts]

If I don't make it, give this letter to my girlfriend, Julie.

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Lock jiggles]

Don't worry. The handle's baby proofed.

Ha ha! Dumb babies.

[Drill whirs]

[Screaming]

I'm gonna scream.

Aah...

Oh, no!

No, Eddie!

Eddie!

Oh, no! They got him!

Good-bye, Milton.

Hello, Julie.

Ow, stop.

That's it, babies. I've had enough.

I may go down, but I'm going down fighting.

[Grunting]

[Laughing]

Do it again. They like it.

Okay.

[Grunting]

- Oops. - Whoa.

[Laughing]

And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you!

[Orchestral music plays]

[Cheers and applause]

Look what I got for you. You can wear it during the talent portion.

That's beautiful. Where'd you get it?

Where do you think I got it? I took it off a little girl's head.

Here, put this on.

Now, remember, when you get out there, you gotta march like this.

High knees. Get those high knees up there.

And don't forget to smile. And... and big eyes.

Big eyes!

- That's the most important thing. - No, no. High knees are important.

High knees.

- High knees. - Big eyes.

- High knees! - Big eyes!

- Big eyes! - High knees!

Big... wait, where are you going?

I just want to go home.

Why?

Because you people are acting crazy!

Come on. Let's just go.

Oh, Rudy. What have we done?

Announcer: Please welcome to the stage, Gracie Bell.

Gracie?

Here, take your stick, and you wave your ribbon.

- And you better win because I... - Rudy!

Right. Sorry, just go out there and have a great time.

Yeah, get out there and fly your freak flag, sister!

[Disco music playing]

[All clapping rhythmically]

She really is an awkward little beast.

Yeah, but she's a happy awkward little beast.

- Shall we? - Oh. Let's. [Chuckles]

[Laughing]

There he is.

Save him, Jack!

Watch out, he's sliding!

[Grunts]

Jerry, I'm losing my grip.

- Ah. - [Grunts]

Come on.

[Grunting]

- Nice save, Jerry. - I'm never having kids.

Look! Here comes Principal Buckett.

I'll lower you down, hang on.

[Fussing]

Shh. Shh, shh, shh.

Oh, Jerry. [Chuckles] There you are.

Oh, you should have seen me. I was like a human firecracker. [Chuckles]

What are you... what are you two doing outside?

Uh... we just... we just wanted to grab some fresh air.

Oh. Say, he wasn't, uh...

He wasn't climbing up on any of this stuff, was he?

No. Why?

Oh, because, uh, he's absolutely terrified of heights.

Sure, okay. Okay.

Thanks for everything you did. I'll see you at school on Monday.

[Exhales]

That was fun. Can we come back tomorrow, mommy?

All: No!

Dojo day care is officially closed.

[Sighs]

Well... that's it. We're done.

All the kids have been picked up.

Not quite. There's still one kid left.

Little Matty Edsall.

- Matty? - Matty?

Where is she?

All: Matty?

- Come on, Matty. - Matty? Oh. There she is.

She's outside in the courtyard.

[Baby crying, machinery creaking]

Milton, Eddie?

This one's yours.

Kickin' it with you!

Our hand prints are gonna be here forever.

An immortal testament to our enduring friendship.

- Rudy, it's been 10 minutes. Is it set? - Has it been that long? We're good.

[Grunts]

- What? - Rudy, we're stuck.

All right, nobody panic. I'm sure this has happened before. [Chuckles]

Worst. Babysitters.

Ever.

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