Original subtitles

Good morning, Dennis.

Hey, Jack, if it's okay, I'm gonna call maintenance

and have them hang a shelf back here for some personal stuff.

No, it's not okay.

Come on!

People bring me ceramic kitties from all over the world

and I wanna share them with the office.

No, I meant you should be more handy and do it yourself.

Modern man is way too dependent.

Tell you what, I'll get my new executive tool-kit

and I'll put up your shelf myself.

Oh, that's the spirit. Brave move. Very admirable.

Hey, maintenance? Yeah.

I'll need a drywaller, a painter and a paramedic.

Great.

Morning, all.

Oh, God, what's that filthy thing doing in the office?

Oh, come on, she works here.

Please, I am not in the mood.

Dorna Luge gave out parakeets at the party

celebrating her summer collection,

and the dumb thing kept me up all night.

Ooh, Dorna Luge is back in the country?

Did she bring me anything?

Yeah. Here.

(CHUCKLES) Ooh! Meow, meow.

A calico.

Oh, why'd they have to queer it up with a pink collar?

Nina, couldn't you've left that thing at home?

Well, I would have, but Dorna mentioned

she might stop by the office

and I wanted her to see how much I love her asinine party favor.

Since when do you care what Dorna Luge thinks?

Since she hosts a voyage to Greece on her yacht every summer.

It's two glorious weeks of beautiful people and flowing champagne.

My God, there'll be more pairing off than on Noah's Ark.

Just keep that thing in your office.

I don't want it destroying the place.

Clear!

And that concludes today's episode of "This Old Man."

Hey, Maya. Morning, Elliott.

Listen, are you doing anything on Sunday?

Why? What's up?

My family's having a birthday party for my little brother.

And you're inviting me? That is so sweet.

Wait. Why are you inviting me?

Because I like you. And I thought you'd get a kick

out of a big Italian Sunday dinner.

That is so nice. Why, really?

Okay, my mother's always trying to set me up with the neighbor's daughter.

And you want me there because...

She's got a lower lip like a pelican.

Pass. Come on. Come on.

It'll mean a lot to my brother to meet somebody new.

What does that mean?

Well, my brother had an accident when he was 18.

He fell.

See, now, he's a little slow.

Oh. Oh!

Yeah. I mean, he's the sweetest guy in the world.

You'll love him.

Well, yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Great! Great! I mean, you'll...

You know, have good food. You'll drink some wine.

You'll feel like you're part of the family.

And by the way, just don't wear any make-up.

Why not?

My mother will call you a whore.

Dennis, is there anything for patching a wall in my tool-kit?

Nope.

Well, then exchange it for the executive hammock.

Hey, what's this?

What?

This.

Let me see. Oh.

You know what that is?

One of those old pneumatic tube systems

for sending paperwork around the building.

Oh, my God, you're right. I'll telegraph President Coolidge.

No, but I wonder if it still works.

Ah, I'd be surprised.

(HISSING)

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

No big deal. That was my cheap watch.

I gave you that watch.

Who wants a watch with a cat on it?

Hey. Hey.

Elliott!

Ma! Oh, honey!

Hi, Ma. Hey, everybody.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

I want you to meet Maya.

Hi, Mrs. DiMauro. It's so nice to meet you.

Oh, it's nice to meet you, too.

Are you wearing rouge?

No.

'Cause it looks like you're wearing rouge.

It's really cold out. I swear.

Okay.

Come on. I'll introduce you to my brother Donnie.

Donnie! Donnie, this is my friend, Maya!

Happy birthday, Donnie!

I'm Donnie with a "D." Green quarter?

Huh?

He likes it when people give him money.

Oh.

Here you go.

Green quarter.

He likes paper money.

Okay. Here you go.

Thank you.

I'm all done!

Oh, I'll get that.

I'll get it.

I love you, Ma.

Oh, you see, that makes it all worthwhile.

I love you, table.

Okay, Donnie. You wanna help me with the dishes, huh?

Break the dishes!

Never mind.

Donnie, you want something to drink?

Donnie wants a beer.

You know what the doctor said...

Donnie wants a beer!

Okay. Okay. Okay. Maya?

A glass of wine would be great.

Okay.

So, today is your birthday.

You're pretty.

Thank you.

Donnie wants a kiss.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, that's...

That's sweet.

Kissey.

Oh, well...

No, Donnie want a kiss like on Showtime.

Well, I don't think we know each other well enough.

But you can be my pretend boyfriend.

So, you like football, huh?

Donnie has a secret. You promise not to tell anybody?

Well, sure, I promise.

Swear, cross your heart?

Cross my heart.

On a stack of Bible books.

I swear.

Okay, here's the deal.

I'm not really slow, all right?

I faked falling out of that tree.

And now everybody waits on me hand and foot.

It is the sweetest scam in the world.

What? Yeah.

So, you wanna go get some sushi?

Have a little sake? Get a little weird? Whatever?

(STUTTERING) I...

It's okay, babe. I'm not really dumb.

I'm just slow in the good ways.

ALL: Happy Birthday, Donnie!

Yay!

Okay, now, blow out the candles.

Yay!

Oh, Donnie.

Donnie's sticky. Maya give Donnie a bath.

That's so cute. He likes you.

What an amazing system.

I just wish I knew where the hell these things ended up.

I tell you, it's like the Bermuda Triangle.

Let's do some light bulbs.

Finch, can you pre-chew this olive? I need to feed the parakeet.

Excuse me?

What part of pre-chew an olive and feed a parakeet don't you understand?

All of it. For starters, parakeets don't eat olives.

Oh, who cares? In two hours Dorna Luge will drop by for lunch,

see how much I love her gift, and invite me to go yachting.

Bad news. Dorna Luge had to put off lunch 'till tomorrow.

So, to make up for it, she sent over a few more birds.

How much is a few?

Hmm, 100.

There are 100 birds in my office?

Well, 99.

One of them took a sip of your "orange juice" and flew into a fan.

Hey, Finch, this is my little brother, Donnie.

(EXCLAIMS)

Blush rhymes with comb.

Yeah.

ELLIOTT: Yeah.

For some reason he really wanted to come to work with me today.

Hey, what's going on there, brother?

You're small.

Hmm, I seem to be having a moral dilemma.

Elliott, can I talk to you?

Yeah, just one minute.

Jack, I told you about my little brother, Donnie, right?

Yes, you have.

Hey, Donnie, wanna see a magic trick?

No.

Sure you do.

Alakazam! I made the pencil rubber.

Donnie need quiet time.

How did Donnie get hurt?

Why?

I was just wondering.

It's not important.

I'm just so curious about what happened with him.

It was the summer after he graduated high school.

We were playing Frisbee, and I threw it too high and it landed in a tree.

Well, Donnie volunteered to go get it, which wasn't at all like him.

Next thing I know, I hear this horrible thud

and there's Donnie, laying on the grass.

And he was never the same.

You wanna know the saddest part?

What?

He was supposed to start work at the plant the very next day.

All because I threw that damn Frisbee too high!

It wasn't your fault.

Yes, it was! It was all my fault.

That's why I send Donnie money every week.

You don't?

Hey, at least the poor guy gets a little pleasure

from spending his day in a video arcade.

I just wish it wasn't next to that adult bookstore.

Where is he?

He was just here.

Donnie! Donnie. Donnie!

Mmm, happy juice. Warm in Donnie's tummy.

Donnie, that's not apple cider.

Apple cider!

Hey, Elliott, Hugo Boss on three.

Ah, shoot.

Ha, ha, you're small.

Just walk away. He's very special.

Go ahead. I'll take care of him.

Thank you, Jack. Donnie, I'll be right back.

Hurry!

Donnie, you wanna have some fun?

No, thank you.

Attaboy. Give me your hand.

Oh, good, you're here.

Donnie, we found some tubes in the wall,

and now we're trying to see where the tubes go.

You see, things go away, and they never come back.

How the heck does it work? I guess we'll never know.

Vacuum.

Yeah, right, vacuum.

Let 'er rip.

Before I was born, I ate through here!

Hey, what's going on?

You wanna get out of here before the old man tries to steal my nose?

I think what you're doing is terrible.

What's the big deal?

It's demeaning to people with real problems.

Demeaning? No, it's... It's an homage.

Your mother waits on you hand and foot,

so you can sit around and be lazy.

And your poor brother's been wracked with guilt for years

thinking he's responsible.

What are those, D-cups?

You are so creepy! Stop acting like an idiot!

Maya?

(CRYING)

Maya mean to Donnie! Why?

Donnie not stupid! Donnie's stupendous!

Who's the king?

I am.

Come on. Who's the king?

I am.

Yeah, you bet you are, buddy.

Just give me one minute, okay?

I don't eat paste anymore.

Good. You tell Jack.

Wait.

What is it, Donnie?

I don't eat paste anymore.

Oh!

Okay, what if Donnie

is putting on a big act?

What?

(SOFTLY) Come here.

He's faking it.

He's not faking it.

He told me he's not really slow.

Oh, that's what this is about.

God, he's so brave. Elliott.

Look, I understand why you think he's okay.

Everyone in my family's had those moments.

Those glimmers of hope, where we think he's with us,

but trust me, it's fleeting!

I once caught him reading the business section and I got so excited, Maya!

It turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo with an armchair!

I don't think you understand.

It's frustrating for all of us, Maya!

He can play the most complicated video game for hours,

but you ask him to mow the lawn and nothing!

I can prove he's faking it.

Give me three minutes alone with him and listen in.

You're crazy! No way!

MAYA: Three minutes.

Elliott, go with me on this. Why? Why should I?

Please, trust me. (WHISPERING) Why should I?

Because why would I lie? What would I possibly have to gain?

All right. But just to prove you wrong.

But wait a few minutes. He's having so much fun with Jack.

You see, Donnie, they work on magnets. Just like the elevator.

Magnets? No. Donnie thinks it's vacuum.

Vacuum. That's so cute.

Come here, you.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOOR OPENING)

What're you doing?

I'm talking to them. They seem depressed.

Depressed? They're birds.

Yeah, they happen to be highly intelligent.

How do you know?

They don't like you.

Well, the feeling is mutual.

And if they're so intelligent, then how do you account for this?

Well, go on. You're free.

See? It's so stupid it doesn't even know the cage is open.

You're provoking the alpha male.

Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, I do. I used to date an ornithologist.

That's the study of keys, yes?

Hmm, birds. Remember we were just talking about birds?

So, what happened?

She dumped me 'cause all the other ornithologists made fun of her

for going out with a guy named Finch.

Hurtful eggheads.

Why couldn't they just let us be?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, Elliott, can you hear me?

ELLIOTT: Yes, I can hear you.

Okay. Put your side on mute, so that when Donnie comes in here

he can't hear you breathing, okay?

Okay? Elliott?

ELLIOTT: I had it on mute.

Why didn't you say so?

It was on mute.

Okay. I see him. I'm gonna ask him to come in here for a second.

Donnie, could you come in here for a second?

I'm Donnie.

(CHUCKLES)

We're alone now. You can drop the act.

I don't know what it is,

but I haven't been able to take my eyes off you all afternoon.

My dog smiles with his tail.

(CHUCKLES)

Come on, Donnie.

You know what you proposed at the house, I'm into it.

In a big way.

Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie!

Come on, Donnie. Seriously, drop the act.

You want it, I want it.

Show me the real you and I'll give you the sugar.

Donnie's scared. Donnie wanna take a nap.

(SOFTLY) All over you.

Oh, come on. It turns me on to hear how smart you are!

How you fell out of that tree on purpose.

And how you've been fooling everyone, you clever thing.

Donnie wanna climb tree.

That's a metaphor. You're the tree.

All right, that's it! That's enough! You okay, Donnie?

My pants are tight!

It's okay, Donnie.

Elliott, I swear.

Look, I don't know what you think you're doing here, but it's over.

I know my brother. And the thought that he, or anyone else,

could fake a head injury for this long

is completely beyond comprehension.

Elliott, he told me.

I don't care what you think you heard.

Look at him, Maya. Look at that innocent child-like face

and tell me he's capable of something like this.

I didn't think so. Come on, Donnie. We're going.

What am I, an idiot? I've been doing this for over 10 years.

Seriously.

Yay!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Finch, any sign of Dorna Luge yet?

ON INTERCOM: No, not yet.

Well, she better get here soon

because I am this close to stuffing these annoying little creatures

into Jack's pneumatic tube.

Oh.

Hello, little bird.

And how did you get out of your cage?

Finch.

Yeah, what is it?

ON INTERCOM: The birds seem to have gotten out of their cages.

And the head bird, it seems to be pecking through the phone li...

(DIAL TONE)

(NINA SCREAMING)

Hey, Donnie, I think I finally got those tubes figured out.

(SOFTLY) Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

You see, it uses hot air to force the capsule through the tubes.

Donnie says vacuum.

Vacuum.

Boy, when you get an idea in your head, it sticks like taffy, doesn't it?

No, Donnie, when air is hot, it rises.

Vacuum.

No. Hot air.

It's the same reason a Pop-Tart jumps out of the toaster.

Or why a helicopter...

Oh, for the love of God, it's not hot air,

it's not magnets, it's a vacuum, Jacko!

It's like a straw. Do you ever use a straw, huh, lab partner?

Air withdrawn from one side is replaced from the other side.

And then the airstream creates pressure,

which allows the objects to propel through the freaking tubes!

I love you, tubes.

Green quarter?

Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie!

Donnie, what the hell?

Oh, crap!

Now I got to get a job.

DENNIS: No birds were hurt during the filming of this show.

Oops.

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