All language subtitles for Just Shoot Me s03e06 The Withholder.eng

Hey, hey, hey!

ELLIOTT:
Hey, look who's back. Look who's back.

So, how was Jamaica?

Just like Florida,
except everyone speaks English.

You know what I mean.
How did it go with Courtney?

Yeah, I assume
you closed the deal.

Sir, a gentleman
does not talk.

So what's
stopping you?

Well, let's just say
I did my fair share of body surfing.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Let's put it this way.
All of D. Finch's fun didn't come under the sun.

(LAUGHS)

Right on.

What are you saying?

Between you and me,
the tide wasn't the only thing going in and out.

You didn't get any,
did you?

No.

You've gotta be kidding me.
You flew this woman to Jamaica,

you put her up
in a first class hotel, and nothing happened?

And after all those
little romantic notes she sent you?

And the flirty
e-mails?

Well, maybe I read
too much into them.

She said she wanted you
on a beach alone

under the Jamaican moonlight.

Well, I was alone
on the beach the five hours after she got me wasted

and said
she'd be right back.

Please tell me
you didn't do anything weird

like talk about
your action figure collection.

A, of course not.

And B, it's a sound
financial investment.

C, not if you take them
out of the box and play with them.

Man, did she play you
for a chump.

Dude, it's not like
I didn't see her naked.

You did?

Yeah. I was just
pretending to be asleep

when she was getting it on
with the tennis pro.

Excuse me.

How could
she do that?

After all the trouble
you went to.

Hey, it's no big deal.

So she didn't
fall in love with me.

So I maxed out
my credit cards.

So I cashed in
my mint-condition Darth Vader mask

to upgrade to
the presidential suite.

I don't even
like Star Wars anymore.

Poor guy.

You know, it's women
like Courtney

that give
the rest of us a bad name.

I would love
to see her get burned sometime.

Yeah, yeah.
I'd love to do to her what she did to him.

I'd wine her. I'd dine her.
And just when I had her in the palm of my hand, I'd say,

"You screwed over my friend
and that's not cool with me."

Easier said than done.

Oh, please.
I date supermodels.

She's just
a civilian.

You know,
you make it hard to root for you.

Listen, I feel bad
about this whole Courtney thing.

Thanks, man.

So I'm gonna do to her
what she did to you.

Give her a painful
72-hour erection?

I'm gonna ask her out.
I'm gonna string her along,

and just when
she's ready to go for me,

I'm gonna look her
in the eye and say,

"You screwed over my friend,
and that's not cool with me!"

Well, as much as I love
playing 98-pound weakling to your Charles Atlas,

I can handle
this myself, thanks.

Hey, pal.

Hi, Courtney.

Here are the quarterly
reports for Mr. Gallo.

Oh, and I had to pay
for those tennis lessons with my own money, so...

I'll write you a check.

I could just kiss you.

(LAUGHS) Aw.

Get her.

Nina, my office, now.

Well, I'm sorry, Jack,
but you have the only couch that folds out.

What about my couch?

All joking aside,
what can I do for you?

I need your expertise.
I have to lose some weight fast.

Oh! Well, that's easy.
I have a system that's sure-fire.

Let me guess.
Sweating under the oldies?

Shouldn't you be
at the North Pole, making toys?

So, Jack,
what's this all about?

It's about self-respect.
It's about dignity.

It's about the triumph
of good over evil.

You made another
silly bet with Donald Trump, didn't you?

There's nothing
silly about it.

Whoever drops
the most weight by Friday wins,

and the other has
to play golf with a flounder down his pants.

Well, how did
you arrive at that?

I said salmon.
He said monkfish.

The lawyers
took it from there.

Nina, you've got to
help me.

Oh, you haven't won a bet
with Trump in five years.

I know.
I can win this one.

Oh, the last time
you said that,

you wound up pants down
at a tattoo parlor.

Egomaniac has to
put his name on everything.

All right, if you really,
really wanna lose weight,

then I am with you
to the bitter end.

Great.
My only rule is no pills.

Later, Tubby.

Nina, wait!
I'm desperate.

You're the only one
who can help me. I need you.

Really?

Oh, Jack, if I weren't
on so much Prozac, I could just cry.

Then we're on?

You bet.
I'll write you out an easy-to-follow diet.

But first,
the fundamentals.

Now I like to
think of my body as a temple.

Which explains why
there's a line to get in on Friday nights.

What's the deal?

Elliott's setting the trap.
He's asking Courtney out.

Don't stare!
Look busy.

God, just looking
at her makes me sick.

MAYA: Her fake
little laugh.

And that trampy way
she keeps touching him.

Disgusting.

MAYA: The way
she keeps fiddling with her bra strap.

Actually, I'm kind of
digging that part.

You know, I talked
to her this morning.

She is so shallow
and self-centered.

She thinks
everything is about her.

(CLEARING THROAT)
I can hear you.

Hey, friend!

Hey, buddy, old pal!

Well, we're on
for dinner tomorrow night.

She said, "Yes"?

Just throw her
a few empty compliments

and that woman
will say "Yes" to anything.

I'm still in the room!

By the way,
I appreciate all the help.

Man, it's nothing.
I'd crawl through a mine field for you, buddy.

Hey, man,
if you were ever murdered,

I'd hunt down your killer
and put a gun to his head.

And he'd say,
"Please, don't hurt me!

"I'll give you
anything you want!"

And I'll go,
"Oh, really? 'Cause I want my friend back!"

And then I'd go,
"No, you ain't worth it."

Then I'd go,
"Yes, you are!" Boom!

And blow
his head off. Yeah!

Thanks, man.

I have never witnessed
a creepier display of affection.

Serves you right
for peeking in my office.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm helping
your father with a diet.

Which is why I'm getting rid
of all this fattening food.

Nina, that's Baxter's
diabetes medicine!

Well, we all have
to make sacrifices.

Oh, what's the point?

The longest my father
has ever been on a diet

is the amount of time
it takes to toast a Pop-Tart.

Shame on you.

Jack Gallo is a man
of tremendous discipline.

And if he says
he's sticking to a diet, then I can assure you...

(EXCLAIMING) Chunky!

Jack, no!

Hey, I was eating that.

Oh, well.

Donuts!
Have you gone mad?

Nina, it's okay.
They're not donuts.

They're "chocolate
health circles." No fat, no calories.

Says right here,
"There's a dozen sit-ups in every bite."

I'm gonna have to ask you
to stop doing that.

Sugar.

Pure cane.

Probably from Hawaii.

They bring it over
in boats.

You mean,
I've been duped?

Where did these
come from?

Delivery guy
just dropped them off.

There he is.

Don't play dumb.

We know there was
sugar in the donuts.

I've got no idea
what you're talking about, pops.

Admit it.
Trump sent you, didn't he?

Trump? Never heard
of him, my man.

Answer the question,
dirt-bag.

Okay, okay.
It was Trump!

I knew it!

Look, he said
it would be funny.

I tried to say no,
but he got all crazy-like.

Can I have that
glass of water now?

Donald? Jack here.
I got your boy.

Say hello, Chuckles.

I didn't say nothing,
Mr. Trump! They made me tell them every...

That's enough.

What do you say
we up the stakes?

We're captains
of industry.

We got a penny or two
in the bank.

Why not a wager
worthy of our status?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh!

Exactly what
I was thinking.

Loser has to play golf
in a dress.

Can I go now?

You know, you take
punishment very well.

You seeing anyone?

So I said, "Look, I know
you're trying to raise money for charity and all,

"but those are pancakes,
not crepes."

And I should know,
being 1/16th French. See, my father's mother...

Stop talking.

What?

I mean, the way
the light is hitting you, it's breathtaking.

I just wanna remember
this moment silently.

Oh, please. You're always
with those beautiful models.

I still can't believe
you even asked me out.

Are you kidding?

I spend all day
lighting those women

to look half as pretty
as you do right now

in the simple glow
of this candle.

Lumiere.

Excuse me?
Lumiere.

It's the name
of the talking candlestick in Beauty and the Beast.

And she loves the theater.
Thank you, God.

I've been such a fool.

For so long, I've been
chasing this false ideal of perfection,

when all along,
you were right there in front of me.

An angel
sent from heaven.

Oh, my God,
that's so sweet.

I feel like
I just wanna cry.

I need a minute.

Oh! And if you see
the waiter, tell him this caviar has turned.

I should know,
I'm 1/8th Russian.

Finch, Finch,
it's me.

Yeah. I'm at the restaurant
and she's all mine.

Time for,
"You screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me!"

Okay, I'll leave
the phone on.

I don't know,
32 cents a minute.

Don't worry about it.
It's on me.

All right,
here she comes.

Hey, I was thinking,

there's this
great zydeco club around the corner,

and I'm
1/32nd Creole...

Courtney.

I don't know
what's come over me. I think it's you.

But I'm just
going to be bold.

We've wasted
so much time already.

I just want to
take you home, hold you tightly in my arms,

and together,
experience a world of possibilities.

Wow.

If by "world of
possibilities,"

you mean the hottest,
wildest, oiliest night

of crazy, freaky,
monkey sex this side of Bangkok,

then I say
saddle up, cowboy.

You're going
for the ride of your life.

Giddyap.

Ladies and gents,
it's New York's number one heartbreaker,

Elliott DiMaurolizer.

Yeah!

Dude, your phone went out.
How'd she take it?

Yeah, did she
make a scene?

Well, she did
get pretty loud.

Oh, you guys,
you guys, you guys.

(EXCLAIMS)

Courtney!
How does it feel?

How does it feel?

(GRUNTS)

How does what feel?

I haven't
done it yet, buddy.

That down comforter
I gave you.

Not too fluffy,
I hope.

No, it's fine.
I'm just not sure if I like the color anymore.

Okay.

Hi, Elliott.

Hey, Courtney.

Oh, my God.
You slept with her.

I did not.

Yes, you did.
Admit it.

Maya, I did not
sleep with her, I swear.

I could tell
by the satisfied look on her face.

She was glowing,
wasn't she?

Oh! I knew it, I knew it!
How could you?

I was fighting it.
I was.

But then we went back
to her place, and there was music and candles,

and she had
the softest down comforter.

What about
what she did to poor Finch?

Well, that's not really
any of my business.

I mean...
Don't look at me like that!

I'm telling you,
she's amazing.

It felt like
I was with three women.

And I've been
with three women.

(SIGHING)

Finch is your friend.

Do you have any idea
what this would do to him if he found out?

Hey, if he's a real friend,
he'll be happy for me.

Yeah, you're right.
Let's go tell him.

All right, all right,
all right.

I'll break it off
with her.

But she's a very
sensitive person,

and this is really
gonna hurt her feelings.

And you call yourself
a womanizer.

So, you ready for
the big weigh-in, Bones?

(LAUGHS) I don't know.
Can you weigh a feather?

Oh, Jack,
I am so proud of you

that I got you
a little something from The Sharper Image.

A talking scale!

Boy, you gotta
hand it to those guys.

They see a need
and they fill it.

Oh. Better lose
the shoes.

I want the most
accurate reading.

WOMAN'S VOICE:
One at a time, please.

You weigh 194.

194? I gained
nine pounds?

What the hell
have you done to me?

Me?
Obviously, you cheated.

How can you say that?

I've been starving
myself all week with this stupid diet of yours.

And you
followed it exactly?

To the letter.

Well, what did you have
for dinner last night?

The pasta, or the chicken,
or the tuna?

"Or?"

Hey, Maya, I'm sorry
I had to back out of lunch,

but a friend of mine
is in the hospital.

One minute
he's playing the piano,

the next minute
he's in an oxygen tent.

Why him?
It's just not fair.

Your pants
are inside out.

(GROANS)

Damn it.

Elliott, this is ridiculous.
It's been going on for a week.

What is so special
about Courtney

that you're willing
to blow your friendship with Finch?

Well, at the risk
of sounding crass,

she's 1/8th
Chinese acrobat.

You have to
tell Finch the truth.

Oh, please. No way.

I mean, the boy looks up
to me like I'm a superhero or something.

Hey, bald man.

See? He thinks
I'm Baldman.

This fax
just came in.

Something about
a bed-and-breakfast reservation in Vermont.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

You're taking Courtney,
aren't you?

Yep, Saturday's the day
I drop the bomb on her, buddy.

So explain to me

why you have to drive
all the way to Vermont to do that?

I just want
the big blow-off to be perfect.

Trust me,
revenge is a dish best served

with fresh maple syrup.

I thought
the big blow-off

was supposed to be
a week ago, at dinner.

And then,
it was gonna be at the theater.

And then
the hansom cab ride. What's the plan?

Marry her,
grow old together

and then yell "Sucker!"
at her open casket?

Finch,
Elliott has something he needs to tell you.

She's right. I do.

I just don't know
where to start.

I'm shocked that
you'd think I would betray our friendship like that.

Elliott.

I mean, any schmo
can take her out once and dump her.

I'm trying to
draw her in,

so I can play her
just as bad as she played you.

Here I am
busting my hump, and for what?

Do you think
this is fun for me?

I'm sorry, man.
I thought maybe...

Oh, I know
what you thought.

I'm sorry.

(MUMBLES)

And those
pants are cool.

Nina!

It's iced tea,
I swear.

I just had the most fun
I've ever had on a golf course.

You won the bet?
You mean, Trump had to play in a dress?

No, I did,
but it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, Jack, I am so relieved.
So what happened?

I was so nervous
about wearing the dress,

that for once,
I didn't over-think my swing.

Every shot
was pure instinct.

Or should I say,
"Intuition."

Driving, chipping, putting,
it didn't matter.

Maybe it was the wind
up my skirt,

but I've never felt
more alive.

Plus, an insurance salesman

bought me a drink
at the 19th hole.

Sweet fella.

Man, was he built.

Hey.

Hey, listen,
about what happened earlier,

I'm sorry for doubting you,
especially after everything you've done for me.

Water under the bridge, man.

Anyway, here.

What's this?

Nothing.

Ziggy.

Somehow, he always
has a way of saying what I can't.

"Friendship is having someone
to share a rainbow with."

I don't know
what to say.

Maybe it's lame. I...

Lame? It's not lame.

You know what's lame?

People who screw over
their friends.

People who are selfish,
who cause pain and anguish.

That's what's lame.

You freaking rock, man!

Elliott, the town
car's here.

Oh, hi, amigo!

All right,
we're just friends. I get it.

Courtney, we need to talk.

Can we talk about it
in the car?

No, this can't wait.

Courtney,
you screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me.

Are you saying
I need a spanking?

Because I brought
a paddle.

No, I'm saying...

You screwed
over my friend,

and that's not
cool with me.

I heard you the first time.

It's not like
my knees are in my ears.

Yet.

Go ahead, buddy,
tell her again.

(MUMBLING)
You screwed over my friend, and that's not...

Elliot, are you
breaking up with me?

(MUMBLING)
I'm trying to.

Well, okay. Whatever.
See you Monday.

Huh? Huh?

Huh? We did it, huh, pal?
We showed her good, huh?

All that work,
and neither of us got to have sex with her.

Yeah, right, yeah.

(SIGHS)

Hey, that's the last time
we let a woman interfere

and threaten
our friendship.

Especially
a money-grubbing, champagne-guzzling,

man-hating exhibitionist
in a size zero dress.

Well, thank you.

That's the first nice thing
anyone's said about me all week.

* Life keeps bringing me
back to you

* Keeps bringing me home

* It don't matter
what I wanna do

* 'Cause it's got a
mind of its own.

* Life keeps bringing me
back to you *

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