Original subtitles

What you doing?

Today's crossword puzzle.

Ah. Need any help?

Are you good at these?

I fancy myself a wordsmith.

Okay. I need a nine-letter word for "hindrance."

(EXHALING)

No idea.

Okay, "Island in the Aegean, six letters."

Aegean...

No. Sorry.

Wow, some wordsmith.

"Breasts." Eight letters.

Bazongas, balloons, knockers...

ELLIOTT: Seven letters, beginning with an "H."

Hooters, honkers, hi-beams...

Now in Spanish.

Cha-chas, pinatas, maracas...

Oh, so you basically spend all your time thinking of synonyms for breasts.

I also do bottoms.

Alphabetically.

Ass, booty, caboose,

derierre, end-zone, fanny, glutey-pops...

Yeah!

Dad, are you all right?

That sanctimonious holier-than-thou

know-it-all upstairs won't listen to reason.

Who? God?

No, the guy with the office right above me.

We need the space to expand, but he won't budge.

I've offered to find him another office in the building,

pay for the move...

Who is this guy?

Oh, he publishes some anti-corporate newsletter.

What's it called... The Fink, The Snitch, The Rat...

The Whistle Blower. That's it.

Imagine, taking up that kind of valuable office space

just to reach a few whiny malcontents.

I subscribe.

Subscribe? You're Miss December.

(PHONE RINGING)

Jack Gallo's office.

You should read The Whistle Blower. It's really good.

Good? It's not good. It's a bunch of hooey about how big companies

exploit workers and waste natural resources.

Jack, your driver wants to know if he can stop circling the block.

No, I want nice, cold air on the way to lunch.

Maya, why don't you take a run at him.

Who? The nose whistler.

Go get him to terminate his lease.

Me? Why me?

Because you've got that certain... You know...

Hooters, heaters, mambos...

My point is, you speak the same language. You'll connect with the guy.

Just be yourself. Except less angry.

I'd rather not.

Just do it. Dad, I'm not some spineless lackey

who jumps at your every whim.

Maya! Apologize to Dennis.

Anyway, Dennis, maybe you can deal with this office thing.

My pleasure.

JACK: Thank you, Dennis. Any time.

I appreciate it. I'd die for you.

Cut it out.

Oh, what a suck-up.

You know, whatever.

(TEASING)

I'm just trying to help him get his daycare center going.

Mr. Suck-up wants to help...what?

Nothing.

What daycare center?

It's a big surprise for all the moms and preggos around here.

You're serious, aren't you? Oh, my God, now I feel terrible.

Well, don't. I'll get this guy out of his office.

Hi. I'd like to order three dozen of your loudest crickets...

Oh... I'll do it.

Another twelve-martini night?

Oh, no thank you, I have plans.

Oh, you mean this. Oh, well, I've got

until Friday to make my skin as tight and smooth as possible.

Why, what's Friday?

Oh, my old roommate Greta Larson is visiting.

You know, we started out in the business together.

Greta Larson the supermodel?

Well, the jury's out on "Super."

Man, was she hot.

Those long legs, those pouty lips.

Yes, I remember.

Oh, I was madly in love with her.

Mmm. I'm sure you were.

Of course, so was every breathing male in America.

Isn't that a slight exaggeration?

(EXCLAIMS) Am I sensing a little rivalry here?

No, not at all.

Back in the '70s, Greta and I were like twins.

Soulmates. Two sticks of dynamite.

At Studio 54 we were known as "BJ and The Bear."

Who was who?

Greta was The Bear because she always wore this slinky fur coat.

And I was BJ because I always wore blue jeans.

Wait...no I didn't.

Hi. Hello.

Um, I work downstairs and I subscribe to The Whistle Blower,

and I just found out that you were here, too,

and I just wanted to say I think you're doing some wonderful work.

Wow, that's really nice of you.

Richard Sagona.

Nice to meet you. I'm Maya Gallo.

Gallo.

Well, the reason I'm here is...

I know why you're here.

He couldn't convince me to leave,

so it's round two with his daughter.

No, it's nothing like that. It's just that I...

Hey, look, I spend my whole day listening to slick executives

try to smooth-talk me. So you'll excuse me if I don't fall for

your little bad cop, cute cop routine.

Oh, thank you.

For what?

Oh, aren't I the cute cop?

My point is, I'm not giving up my office. No way.

You don't even know what it's for.

Let me guess, a lounge where the models can be alone with their thought.

Um, no. He wants to put a daycare center here.

You know, so working parents can get to see their kids during the day.

A daycare center?

Yeah. You're the one who's always blowing the whistle on companies and their

anti-family policies. And now look at you. Tweet-tweet.

Don't "tweet-tweet" me. I'm the Whistle Blower.

You know, there's a factory in Indonesia

where old women are forced to work 16 hours a day

sewing American flags.

And what does that have to do with anything?

Nothing, I'm just trying to stay angry.

Why?

Because I like this office. This is perfect for me.

Please. For the children.

Why did it have to be children?

So you'll do it?

Leave the papers.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Hey, listen, before you go, I want to tell you something.

A couple of years ago, I went to Detroit to expose a major auto manufacturer

who was threatening to close a plant.

Well these two big guys tailed me the entire time I was there.

They harassed me, they threatened me,

they even roughed me up in a dark parking lot one night.

Did I back down? No sir.

And your point is? No point.

I'm trying to work up the nerve to ask you out.

You want to ask me out? (SHOUTING) Yes!

(STAMMERING) I mean, if that's okay.

Well, sure, that'd be really nice.

How about tomorrow night at 8:00?

Perfect.

I knew I was the cute cop.

What are you doing?

Greta will be here any second for lunch,

and I need the perfect first-impression pose.

I mean, you look awkward.

Here. Put your arm like this.

Good.

Now, your other arm, raise up. A little higher.

A little more. That's it. Perfect.

Now repeat after me.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout."

Oh, you just don't get it.

You know, Greta's always been prettier than me,

and I want this to be my moment of triumph.

I've had my teeth whitened and my hair darkened and I had Botox injected

into my forehead. The only way she can look better than me

is if she spent the last 20 years in a freezer.

Nina?

Eating Eskimo Pies. Greta!

Nina! Oh! I can't believe it's you!

And I can't believe it's you.

Uh, Greta, this is Eat-a-lot.

I...I mean, Elliott. He's your biggest fan.

I mean, he's a huge admirer.

You're his favorite supper-model.

Greta, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm Elliott DiMauro.

Oh, I love your work.

You're very good.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, lunch is on me. How much cash have you got?

Maya...

Oh, hey, Richard. Thanks again for dinner. I really loved it.

You're a liar.

Okay, the fish was a little dry.

I can't believe I fell for that routine of yours.

If you're trying to work up the nerve to ask me out again, the answer is yes.

There's no daycare center. Your father is turning my office into a steam room!

A steam room? That's crazy.

Yeah, what's crazy is that I trusted you.

Look, obviously there's been some sort of screw-up.

What's screwed up is that I trusted you.

Richard, I can fix this.

What needs fixing is me because I trusted...

Will you stop that?

You know, I really thought you were different.

I am different. Ask anybody. They hate me here.

Thanks a lot. No, wait, wait, wait. Richard, Richard,

let me talk to my father.

I'm sure this is some big misunderstanding.

Aqua blue or sea foam green? Keep in mind I'll be naked.

Dad?

Hello, pumpkin.

Are those tiles?

Oh, yeah, they're "action" tiles.

Dennis was just going to karate chop through these.

What?

Go ahead, grasshopper.

Dude, I would, but I have a harp recital tonight.

Dad, look me in the eyes and tell me you're not building a steam room.

Well, uh, I, um...

Jack, the microwave. Your yam!

Good God, Dennis. That sucker's gonna blow!

Oh, no! Don't move.

Either one of you.

Don't you talk to me like that, missy.

We'll be here.

Oh, hi again. Uh...

Uh, he's in a little meeting.

Yeah, picking out tile I bet.

"Picking out tile." That's funny, funny stuff.

Uh, can I get back to you?

You know what? No. Don't bother.

Richard...

I told you she'd come right back.

I can't believe you're building a steam room.

And it's all because of you, champ!

I don't know what you said to Oscar the Grouch,

but we are in, baby!

I told him you were building a daycare center!

That's my girl!

Because I thought you were building a daycare center!

How would you ever get an idea like that?

You know perfectly well how.

Dennis Q. Finch,

did you give my daughter the impression that I was building a daycare center?

Maybe.

What did I tell you about lying?

That it's bad?

It's a sin, Dennis. No steam for you the first two weeks.

But Jack. No steam!

Maya, I'm sorry you had to witness this.

Oh, stop it. Do you think I'm a complete idiot?

Well, Dennis? Do you?

I'm talking to you! You, scram.

Did you make a decision?

This is not the time for that. Now get your sea foam-green ass out of here!

You knew about this all along.

Maya, as a reporter you should never jump to conclusions.

What did I know? When did I know it?

It's all very murky.

It's not murky. You knew Finch would lie to me.

I have no recollection of that.

Uh-uh. I'm not going to fall for that.

Don't you try and double-talk me.

Maya, let me make this perfectly clear.

At no time was I never not aware of what Finch was allegedly representing

with regard to my recreational heated water proclivities.

Now, isn't it time to put this behind us and get back to

the business of running this magazine?

Your husband's a carpenter? How did you meet?

On a trip to Central America. I go every year to build houses for the poor.

Ah, yes. Community service. I know it well.

Nina, I think she does it for charity.

Call it what you will, it beats doing time.

Oh, shoot. I am so late.

Here, let me...

No, no, it's on me.

Thank you, that's so sweet.

Are we still on for drinks later?

Sure, if it works for you. I know you have a lot on your plate.

Well, bye-bye, you two.

So long. Take care. Bye.

What a waste.

What a tremendously round waist.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Greta's terrific.

That woman isn't Greta! That woman swallowed Greta!

God, I feel like prying her jaws open and shouting,

"Climb, Greta! Climb up to the light!"

Nina, you're being ridiculous.

Oh, am I? I don't think so.

This whole thing is my fault. Years ago at Studio 54, she and I were both

dancing with Joe Namath and he ended up taking her home.

As they walked off arm-in-arm, I remember wishing that she'd get fat

and I'd be beautiful forever and now both my wishes have come true.

Well, I think she's beautiful.

Oh my God, she's right behind me, isn't she?

No, I mean it.

Have you ever studied Renaissance art?

The women in those paintings are all large and rounded.

That was for survival. If you were fat, you could float.

And if you would float, you weren't a witch.

For God's sakes, man, read your bible.

Nina, every society has a different standard of beauty.

The point is, real beauty comes from within.

So who's to say plump can't be sexy?

You think? Yes. I do.

Hi, Elliott. Well, gotta go.

Boy, this is a tough call. I can see myself in this one.

But is that a good thing?

Furthermore, Dennis, lying is immoral and bad for productivity.

I see that now.

You really crossed the line this time.

I tried to explain to Richard that you set me up,

he won't even talk to me.

Oh, so now it's "Richard."

Dad, I like this guy.

And now he thinks I lied to him, all because of your stupid steam room.

Stupid? No, Trump's is stupid. Mine will have a statue of me.

You think you've won, don't you?

Maya, this isn't about winning or losing.

It's about the right of every American to climb naked up a spiral staircase

to his own private steam room.

God Bless America.

Out.

Need to make a decision. You heard her.

Now, get your brushed-nickel if-they-can-get-it shipped-by-Thursday ass

out of here.

Maybe you can schmooze and lie and charm your way around everyone else,

but I know you too well. And I can play this game better than you.

Meaning? Meaning,

if you don't give Richard back his office, I quit.

Oh, please. You're not going to quit.

You like it here.

You're right. I do like it.

But I promise you, I'll still quit.

Tell you what. I'll meet you half-way. Every Wednesday

between 2:00 and 4:00, my steam room is gals only.

Really? Really.

I quit. No, don't be silly.

You're not quitting. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it.

Watch me.

Attention, everyone.

Everyone, I have an announcement.

Dennis, help her out.

People...

Folks, Maya has an announcement to make.

Go ahead, dear. Speak your mind.

Don't think I won't.

We're all waiting.

I'd just like to say...

that...my big announcement is that...

Loud and clear, honey.

...that my father Jack Gallo is going to build

a free daycare center above his office for all your kids!

Aw, you're so sweet, you're so sweet.

God bless you, Mr. Gallo. I'm going to name him Jack.

What are you smiling at?

Well, to be honest, I wasn't psyched about following your bony ass

up that staircase.

Oh, I'm so glad I found you.

My little boy has the flu, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to go back tonight.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

Listen, Greta, I'm sorry if I've been acting a little strange.

It's okay. Elliott told me about the shots in your forehead.

No, no... It's just that,

well there's something I have to say to you, and, I, I don't know how.

What is it?

Greta, if you had something on the side of your mouth, would you want me to tell you?

Of course. Okay.

You're hugely fat.

It is so sweet of you to worry about my weight,

but I'm perfectly happy the way I am.

Greta, denial is not just a river in England.

I'm not in denial.

I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful family, a real life.

And everything that came before, the fame, the parties, starving myself,

it all seems like some sort of bad dream.

I'm finally happy. And happy is sexy, just ask my husband.

Frankly, I'm concerned about you.

You base your entire self-worth on your looks,

which you're terrified of losing, so you hop from man to man,

looking for approval, but finding nothing. Believe me, I remember.

Goodbye, Nina. I hope some day you realize that

life has so much more to offer.

Poor, dumb fool, she just doesn't get it.

(WHISTLES)

RICHARD: And then Arthur opened the door,

and he saw a family of ghosts!

And how do you get rid of ghosts?

You stomp your feet and you scream!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, I don't think that was loud enough.

I think that she's right.

The ghosts are still there.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

Dennis, make them shut up.

I already tried.

Well, try again.

They just laughed at me.

Then they made me break through a red rover line just to get out the door.

I took three of them out. They'll feel it tomorrow.

♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's gotta mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you ♪

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