Original subtitles

Jack Gallo's office.

Hey, it's your publisher.

I'm not in.

He says you were supposed to send him

the first two chapters of your memoirs.

I'm at the doctor. Make something up.

He'll have to call you back.

He has a, uh, thing on his keister.

That's the best you could do?

That's the third time I've had to make something up.

Well, don't say that. It's embarrassing!

Well, you're the one who wanted to write your memoirs,

so zip the lip and write, you lazy old coot.

That was tough love.

Thank you, Dennis, but not to worry.

I have a new plan.

This morning, I realized

I must say dozens of clever things every day.

Uh-huh.

Well, that's where you come in.

I want you to follow me around and record all my Gallo-isms.

Gallo-isms?

My verbal gems... My nuggets of wisdom.

Ah, I better call Bic

and tell 'em to make some more pens.

Hey, everybody.

Wow, what a beautiful morning.

Well, aren't you in a good mood?

Why shouldn't I be?

I woke up, looked out my window,

and there was a tiny bird sitting on my sill,

and it was singing.

That's sweet.

Oh, there's more.

I walked out of my building just as a cab was pulling up-

a clean cab with a nice driver.

Doesn't get any better.

But it does!

I get to work, and what do I see on the newsstand

but the brand-new issue of Blush with my article on the cover-

an article that I spent four weeks researching,

an article that I titled, "The Lost Art of Listening,"

but that somebody changed to

"Shut Up and Maybe He'll Love You."

So thank you. I've never been more proud.

Honey, I'm just happy to be a part of your perfect morning.

I was being sarcastic. I'm furious with you.

Oh, well, I'd love to deal with this,

but I've got this thing on my keister.

You can't just avoid this.

I wanna know why you changed my headline.

Your title was too confusing.

What is so confusing about "The Lost Art of Listening"?

Who?

Dad, this headline totally undercuts

the seriousness of my article.

Maya, Hannah hates peas.

Dad, focus.

She absolutely refuses to eat them,

but when I make an airplane sound,

she gobbles them all up.

You see what I'm saying?

I get the individual words.

Your article is like a big spoonful of peas-

healthy, chock full of vitamins, but not so delicious.

You gotta make those peas fly, Maya.

That's what the magazine business is all about.

Did you get that, Dennis?

Uh, flying peas- gotcha.

You can't just avoid this

with a handful of dopey metaphors.

Dopey all the way to the bank!

Is that one?

I'm not sure yet.

So do I have your word

that you will not change my headlines?

Oh, Maya, before I forget,

I'm the guest speaker tonight at a seminar at NYU.

and I was wondering if you'd fill in for me.

Oh, no. You are not gonna squirm out of this one.

Do you wanna go or not?

Well, I don't know. What's the seminar about?

Something about women in media- very informal.

Basically a roomful of people giving you the big stroke.

That reminds me of a recurring dream.

I'm an instructor at stewardess school-

Sorry, flight attendant school.

Um... I don't know.

You know, I get nervous speaking in front of groups.

Oh, please. It'll be a love fest.

Besides, it's a nice opportunity for you to step up

and assume a higher profile within the magazine.

Well, I wanna do that, but a lecture hall-

NYU... me?

Hmm... name three things

that put me to sleep.

Hey, look. It's Rebecca Jackson.

When did she start modeling again?

God, at her age.

She looks great.

Oh, she does not!

It makes me sick that she's back in the limelight.

Don't be upset. You're way prettier than her.

Well, then how come

I haven't been featured in a magazine

in over 10 years?

That's not true.

Remember last year after fashion week?

You had that big picture in Vogue.

Well, that doesn't count. It was in the "Yikes!" column.

Elliott, I need to get back in the game again,

and you have to help me.

Me? What do you want me to do?

Shoot a portrait of me- one that shows the world

that Nina Van Horn will not go quietly.

Something bartenders have been saying for years.

Oh, Elliott, please?

You're my friend. I trust you.

I'm scared. You know, I've always told myself

that I could make a comeback if I really wanted,

but what if it's too late?

Well, there is an idea

I've been wanting to do for a long time.

Are you willing to get a little crazy?

You are getting my good side, right?

Lift your chin.

There. You look beautiful, beautiful.

This is so exciting.

Me, back in front of the lens again...

I never realized how much I missed it.

Oh, I don't want this evening to ever end.

All right, we're done.

What? How many rolls have you shot?

Ten. Not enough.

I mean 20.

Come on, look,

we've already been here four hours.

I'm running so late.

I promised I'd make dinner for Christy Turlington.

Oh, you have time.

How long could it take to heat up a saltine?

What do you mean, "we're done"?

You haven't even gotten to the good lens yet.

Thank you, Nina, but I've done this once or twice before.

Yeah, that's what it seems like.

Oh, we are really done now.

Fine.

How do I take this stuff off?

Don't worry.

It'll come off when you shed your skin.

You know, I really expected

more professional behavior from you.

Next time, I'll call Herb Ritz.

Wait.

Where are you going?

To take a shower.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You can't take a shower in that stuff.

You can't even get that wet. Why?

Because it'll cake and then stain,

and then burn.

Oh, my God!

I mean, don't worry. Don't worry.

I have this special solvent.

It's on the shelf.

Nice of you to mention it.

I could've spent the evening screaming in my shower.

And how would that differ from your usual Tuesday nights?

I don't see it. Where is it?

It's in the blue bottle.

Well, it's empty.

Oh, well, there should be one behind it.

Well, that's empty too.

Okay, the bad news is is that you have to stay gold.

I can't get any more solvent till tomorrow.

Well, what's the good news?

There's a prospectors' convention in town.

You must be Maya Gallo. Welcome!

Hi.

I'm Stephanie Griffin-Cooper,

Chairperson of the NYU Forum for Fair Journalism.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

Gotta tell you, I'm a little nervous.

Oh, well, there's no reason to be.

The whole idea is to keep things informal

and involve the audience, so what do you say?

Let's have some fun with it.

Okay. Okay.

All right, right this way.

All right. Hello, everyone.

Please take your seats.

I'd like you all to welcome

our very special guest tonight,

Blush Magazine articles editor Maya Gallo!

Thank you.

Have a seat.

Okay, Maya, first question.

How do you work for a magazine that degrades women?

What?

Blush Magazine objectifies women and promotes inequality.

How do you justify that?

No... no! Blush Magazine is an agent of empowerment.

If anything, we champion gender equality...

Sort of.

Well, that sounds good,

Miss Gallo, but what are you championing

with headlines like...

"How One-Night Stands Can Help Your Complexion"?

Or this one-

"Shed Those Pounds Before Your Man Sheds You"?

It's like this...

sometimes when you feed peas to a baby,

you gotta make that airplane sound?

As a woman, how can you not only defend such sexism

but perpetuate it with your own articles,

like... "Shut Up and Maybe He'll Love You"?

Now, wait a minute. That was not my headline.

That was changed behind my back.

Will you stop booing me?

I'm not the enemy.

If you'd read the article,

you'd know that it was about

listening to your partner with compassion.

Look, I have the same criticism of Blush as you do,

and sure, our editors can be superficial

and sexist and... okay, trashy...

but trust me,

I'm trying to change things from within the system,

but I'm only one person,

so, come on, you guys,

if we all band together,

we can move mountains!

All right! Next question.

Why do you denigrate women?

That's the same question!

Hey, Maya, how did that thing at NYU.

go last night?

Fine.

Just fine?

Yeah. It went pretty well.

"Pretty well"... Pretty well how?

Well, you know, people asked questions,

and I answered them.

All in all, it was a pretty nice evening.

"A nice evening." Really? That's funny.

I've never had a nice evening

where I ended up calling my friends "frivolous pigs."

What are you doing with an NYU newspaper?

I subscribe.

There's a girl there I'm stalking.

We're gonna get married someday.

Oh... oh, this is horrible.

Oh, you guys don't understand. Last night was a disaster.

I spent the entire evening

staring out into a sea of angry flannel.

What was I supposed to do?

Oh, I don't know. Call us all...

"vapid drones who worship at the altar

of greed, lust, and egotism."

Yeah, we don't make fun of your religion.

How could you betray us like this?

I didn't betray you. It was more like a roast...

except you guys weren't there.

Look, I'm sorry. I really am...

but it's not like I haven't said all this stuff to your faces.

That's not the point.

You sold us out to total strangers.

And that's the part that's creepy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to sort through Kimmy's garbage.

Well, well, well. Look who's here-

the one who made us all look foolish.

You have a lot of nerve showing up at work today, lady.

Nina, why are you all gold?

Don't change the subject.

And why aren't you on the phone,

tracking down that solvent?

I have a giant party tonight.

Don't worry. It'll be here in a couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

And what are you looking at?

I'd like to thank the Academy...

Um...

Uh, I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Are you just about done?

Free Tibet!

Oh, God, this is horrible.

A word, please?

You wanna know why?

No.

Okay, I know you're angry with me,

and you have every right to be,

so go ahead and yell.

Maya, yelling is like eating steak through a straw.

Sweet. Keep 'em coming.

It gets you all red in the face,

but in the end, you get no steak.

What?

You're forcing it. Just let 'em come.

Okay, I'm not real clear here. Are you mad at me or not?

Damn right I'm mad.

Maya, you broke a cardinal rule of business-

you sided with the opposition.

But they ambushed me!

It doesn't matter.

As a representative of Blush,

you can never turn on the magazine.

You have to be tough.

But they projected things on the wall

and quoted feminist poets and I got all turned around.

You should've come back with some of the good things

that this magazine does for women.

Uh-huh? Like what?

Like did you know that Blush was the first magazine

to encourage women to take control

of their sexuality?

The first.

Or to inspire them

to put down the mop and pick up a briefcase?

Put it down. Pick it up.

Or to feature the struggles and triumphs

of female politicians from around the world?

But they were just so mean. They yelled at me.

Those are just words, Maya,

and words only hurt if you listen,

and if you don't listen,

well, who's to say what anyone's saying,

or even if they're talking at all?

But one thing's for sure, it doesn't hurt.

Read that back.

Uh... "A flood of words rarely contains a drop of reason."

Hot damn! I'm on a roll!

Stephanie.

Maya, hi!

Hey, you should've stuck around last night.

We all went out for pizza.

I'm surprised you were still hungry

after eating me alive.

Well, it did get brisk, didn't it?

I think I deserve an apology.

Excuse me? I- I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about your behavior last night.

Say what you will about Blush Magazine,

but at least we don't invite people

to events designed to ambush them.

We didn't ambush you, Maya.

We were completely up front

about the direction of last night's forum.

Yeah, right. And what is your definition of "up front"?

Uh, well, I have the flyer right here.

"Irresponsible images of women in media."

Well, that's... pretty up front.

Your father thought the title was catchy.

Did he? I bet he did.

Too bad he couldn't make it.

Wish him luck on his kidney transplant.

Hey, Elliott, can you get Nina off my back?

She's been bugging me all day about that stupid solvent.

Oh, there is no solvent.

She was being such a pain

that I told her water wouldn't wash it out...

but it really will.

You mean you had her running around town all day

painted gold?

That is so wrong.

Why didn't you tell me so I could enjoy it?

Elliott...

Well, we meet again, Oldfinger.

Admit it. It turns you on.

Yeah, right.

Okay, it does.

Nina, I'm glad you're here.

I have a little confession to make.

You overexposed the film. Yes, I know.

What are you talking about? These shots are dazzling.

Oh, if by "dazzling" you mean "washed out,"

then I agree.

What?

No contrast, no depth of field,

framed wrong,

and my mouth is open in every picture.

That's because you never shut up.

Elliott...

I asked you for magic, and you gave me mediocre.

You know...

I'm just gonna forget you said that.

Oh! The same way you forgot how to take pictures?

Now, you listen-

No, you listen!

Go ahead.

Nina... I forgive you,

because I know this is coming from a place of insecurity,

and that you're frightened-

Oh, blah, blah, blah!

When is that paint solvent coming in?

Bad news.

They say it may be a week.

You idiot!

Maybe four.

Women... are like... clouds.

I don't know how either of them works,

but I sure wouldn't want to go a day without them.

Dennis?

You've got a lot of nerve!

Huh! Flying peas. Gotcha.

You knew that this NYU thing was an ambush.

That's ridiculous. I had no idea.

Then how do you explain this flyer?

I've never seen that before.

And what about the phone call from NYU?

I never received any call.

That's odd,

because Stephanie claims that you said,

"Sometimes the sweetest wine

is squeezed from the grapes of wrath."

I never said that.

Too bad. It's the best one so far.

All right, I said it,

but believe me,

I wanted to go. I was busy.

You weren't busy.

You just avoided it like you avoid everything!

Maya, that's a discussion for another day.

Look, I'm sorry,

but I figured the best way to deal with feminists

is with another feminist.

Wait a minute. This doesn't add up.

You squirm out of everything.

Why didn't you just cancel?

Look, if you must know, that feminist broad

is the daughter of the starter at my country club.

What's a starter?

Women.

What's a starter?

He's the man who decides who golfs when.

I can't believe this.

Here I was worried that I let the magazine down,

and now I find out you're just a con man!

You knew that.

Maya, one of the most underrated skills of survival

is avoidance.

Tell me...

Why don't I just walk out into the street

and step in front of a speeding bus?

You're reading my mind.

Because it's a battle I can't win,

and if I can't win a battle, I stay on the curb.

It's why boxers duck or possums play dead

or magicians wave this hand

while they're doing something else

with this one.

It's how I've survived all these years,

and that's a lesson from me to you.

Yeah? Well...

You can't keep avoiding forever.

Or can I?

Mr. Gallo, why do you denigrate women?

What is this?

This... is payback.

See? Can't avoid everything...

and that's a little lesson from me to you.

Ooh-la-la. I like these odds.

The Lilith Fair must be dark tonight.

Mr. Gallo, isn't it true that Blush Magazine

is caught in a sexist time warp?

Please, sweetheart, call me Jack.

How do you defend the fact that Blush Magazine

treats women like trophies?

That's an absolutely untrue and ridiculous claim.

Sorry. Forgot my purse.

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter What I want to do ♪

♪ 'Cause it's got A mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

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