Original subtitles

Oh, oh!

Morning, Nina.

Good morning, Dennis.

Isn't it a fabulous day?

What's wrong with you?

I've given up a very filthy habit.

Heh. You'll have to be more specific.

Smoking.

So, how you kickin' it?

Oh, nicotine patches, muscle relaxants,

and some pills they used to give Gentle Ben

so he could act with that little boy.

I tell you, they should package that combination.

It's making me feel incredibly amorous.

Open, open...

So what's in the box?

Uh, cigars for Jack.

I snapped at him on Friday.

Allie's birthday's coming up,

and he wanted me to model dresses for her.

I'm a perfect size four.

It's a blessing and a curse.

Relax. Jack's a reasonable man.

I mean, how mad can he be?

Jack Gallo's office.

Uh-oh.

I'll be glad to tell him. Thank you for calling.

Hi. Can I help you?

Mm, yeah.

Hey, Kenny, I need you to-

Oh, Dennis, I've made some changes.

I'll say.

Remember when you snapped at me

about doing my personal stuff?

I wasn't snapping.

I was tired, and my heels hurt.

Well, you were right.

You're not a dress model. You're my business associate.

And that's why I hired Kenny here.

He'll handle my personal matters,

and you concentrate on the business side.

Jack, you don't need to-

Two assistants,

and I'm not sleeping with either one of them.

Man, times have changed.

Well, Dennis...

Jack's told me so much.

I'm superpumped to be working with you.

Have a little tip for you.

We really don't do "superpumped" around here.

We're a little more stand-offish.

Kenny, that coffee you made was supergood!

Do I taste cinnamon?

Gotcha. Nutmeg.

Nutmeg!

Well, you get the message.

Finch, could you please tell Jack-

Hello. I'm Nina.

Nina Van Horn.

You don't have to tell me.

I've had a crush on you since... forever.

Oh, that's very sweet,

but I have a strict policy against dating co-workers.

Well, it's not actually a policy, per se.

It's more of a loosely enforced suggestion...

at the request of my attorney.

Down, Van Horn-dog.

Well, I'll be in my office...

and don't you barge in during my nude meditation hour.

Which is from 3:00 to 4:00.

Or whenever you can make it.

Hi, Elliott.

Hey, Nina.

Can I, uh, help you butter your bagel?

What? Oh, no, thanks.

Then can I hold your ankles while you do sit-ups?

What are you talking about?

I'm not- Did you quit smoking again?

Hey, Nina, does this outfit look okay?

Yeah. You look great. Why?

I'm being interviewed on the news today

about that organization that I volunteer for-

Drug-free New York.

Oh, wow, you picked a great day.

You look hot.

Really? Thanks.

No, I really mean it. You are scorching!

Nina, go to your office.

Good idea.

Will you wear one of our buttons?

Hmm. "Drugs hurt."

Ouch!

Oh, shoot. I'm bleeding.

There's a band-aid.

Oh. Good.

Next time, just say no to drug buttons.

Uh, excuse me.

Have you by any chance

seen my nicotine patch?

Left it right here.

Hmm. Smooth surface for lovemaking.

Jack Gallo's office.

Hey, Allie!

Hey, how was that party you we-

Yeah, yeah, he is. Hold on.

Mrs. Gallo for you.

Allie, hi!

Oh, stop.

Oh, no, you did not!

No, you did not!

No, you did not!

Okay. Bye-bye.

I gave her my recipe for zucchini bread,

and she accidentally used cucumbers.

Dear Diary.

Well, how are my boys?

Super.

Super-duper!

We're like two cats in a duffel bag.

Glad to hear it.

Hey, Jack, I need a second

to go over these distribution invoices.

Do we have to do it now?

Jack, I picked up that new putter you wanted.

Hey, I was just thinking about this.

It's like we have a psychic connection.

Jack, the regional demographics

are also overdue.

Later, Dennis.

Kenny, come on in.

We'll give it a test drive.

Don't you mean a "test putt"?

Here you are,

for the infidelity article.

Is it hot in here? Must be.

Nina keeps pulling up her dress.

It's like Fiji. Look at my hands.

What about them?

They're sweating.

Anyway...if we use this photo for the article,

then we could use this one for the sidebar.

What about the photo for my article?

That's what I'm talking about.

Well, you don't have to scream at me.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. You seem weird.

You seem weird.

Maybe we'll just go over this later.

Uh... is that a threat?

Excuse me, Dennis.

All right, that's it!

Look, Dennis, I don't want you to think

I'm here to step on any toes.

Then what are you here for?

I'm here to release you,

so you can focus on the business of business.

I'm all about teamwork, synergy, synchronicity.

Listen here, up-with-people...

I don't know what you're so bubbly about,

but let me offer you this little analogy.

This here is the lion's den.

I am the lion.

You wanna hang out in the cave,

you gotta learn to deal with the lion.

You got that one?

Wow. I really understand where you're coming from.

But, Dennis, let me offer you a little analogy.

I am the god of hellfire!

And, so help me,

I will put my fist through your skull!

What?

I will rip off your head, run it through a shredder,

and put it in a box!

You're gonna rip off my head?

And put it in a box. Yes!

Are you out of your gourd?

You crossed the line with me, Dennis,

and I will reach into your chest, and I will-

Hi, Nina!

You look beautiful.

Oh... thanks. I quit smoking.

Well, you're still smoking from where I stand.

Now, remember,

no calls during my nude mediation hour...

3:00 to 4:00.

Heh heh... uh, Kenny,

you had me going there for a minute.

6:00. Parking garage.

I'm gonna fold you like a lawn chair.

How's that sound?

Well, to be honest, I'm not superpumped.

Let me get this straight, Kenny.

You're gonna kill me?

No. First, I'm gonna bat you around, like a mouse.

Then I'm gonna kill you.

Hey, listen, man.

I may have gotten on your case a little bit.

It's kind of what I do around here.

I'm a real cutup.

I'll cut you up!

Jeez, I walked into that one!

Hi, guys. How's it going?

Great!

Dennis, I'm ready to go over those invoices.

Yeah.

What's that?

The distribution invoices.

Dennis, what's wrong with you?

Nothing. I'm just a little distracted.

I'll say. You stapled your tie to the counter.

Say, Jack, with Dennis tied down,

I'll be glad to pick up those invoices for you.

Thanks, Kenny.

Oh, and I believe there's some powdered donuts

floating around if you'd like one.

Would I!

There's that psychic connection again.

Yes, Dennis?

Yeah. It's about Kenny.

Great guy. Peppy.

So, he came with good references?

Hey, anyone who's good enough

for the United States Postal Service

is good enough for me.

Why do you ask?

I don't know.

I just don't think he's fitting in

with some of the staff.

Dennis, I know what this is about.

You're feeling insecure.

No, I'm not.

Well, I was just reading about employee validation

in Business Week,

and, Dennis...

"Your hard work and individuality

has made a big difference here at Microsoft."

Kenny threatened to kill me.

What? Oh, you must have heard him wrong.

No. I have an acute sense

of knowing when people are threatening me.

I get it from my mother's side, along with a fear of owls.

Well, I'll talk to him.

Thank you.

Kenny!

No, no, no! Not now, not now!

Yes, sir?

Here's your donut.

Uh, Dennis says

you threatened him with bodily harm.

What?

I would never do that.

I thought we were buddies.

We are. We're total buddies.

Jack, listen,

could I talk to you later about this?

Dennis, sorry if I've given you the impression I don't like you.

I just want us all to do the best job we can.

For Jack.

It's hard to argue with that.

It's our job to take care of the details,

so he can focus on the big picture.

Boy, this is a good donut.

Okay. My mistake.

There you go, Dennis. We're all readjusting.

Now, go on, give each other a hug.

I don't think so.

I know I could use one.

6:00- you're dead!

I don't suppose you heard that.

Heard what?

Of course not, senile old coot.

What was that?

So, you hear that.

Oh, Maya, there's a camera crew

waiting in your office.

Rock 'n' roll!

Miss Gallo. Yes.

Hi. I'm Lisa Cantwell from Channel 4.

I love your news set. It's so blue!

Is Dr. Dave the weatherman really a doctor?

Yes, I think he is.

This is Mike.

Ooh, Mike with a mic.

I know this guy named Rod. He hangs curtains.

So we're just gonna be asking a couple questions,

so just relax, be yourself...

Let's kick this pig.

You have a little something right there.

Oops. Caught me.

Well, uh... statistics show that drug use is down.

Can awareness groups like yours

now afford to slow down their efforts?

Slow down? No. Never slow down. Can't slow down.

If we get drug dealers together,

talk to them, sit down with them,

and really talk to them,

that they would stop doing drugs

and decide to do something significant with their lives,

like-like-like- oh, just so many things!

Name an occupation. Mechanic! There you go.

So what you're saying

is the key to curbing drug use is employment?

Yes, yes! That's what I'm saying.

That's exactly what I'm saying because we need more jobs.

I know I could use another job.

I would love to sell cars. I could sell boatloads of cars!

Ms. Gallo, have you ever done drugs yourself?

Me? Oh, no. You don't even know how funny that question is.

Hey, is that a threat?

What are you doing in here?

Having a snack.

In the copy room?

Yeah. It's... dark, quiet...

good place to hide out.

I know Nina's on the prowl, but you-

No, no, no. It's not that.

Then why are you hiding?

Because that's what I do when someone's trying to kill me.

In eighth grade, I once spent

an entire day hiding in my locker...

ironically, reading The Red Badge of Courage.

Is this about that guy in shipping?

What guy in shipping?

Or the big chick in circulation?

She wants to kill me too?

Who are you talking about?

Kenny. What?

He's a psycho.

He's the nicest guy I ever met.

No. Psycho.

All right, what'd you do?

Nothing. He was invading my space,

so I politely asked him to-

Oh, no. You gave him your "lion's den" speech,

didn't you?

It is my lion's den.

Look, I'm sure you're overreacting.

Kenny wouldn't hurt a fly.

He said meet him at 6:00 in the garage

so he could crush my skull.

He didn't say that.

Yes, he did.

He pretends to be all sweet and super-duper,

but inside, he's a pot of crazy stew.

Finch, take my advice- go home and get some sleep.

Wake up. Repeat.

I'm not making this up.

Fine. Stay in here. Hide all your life.

Nina's out there.

Hey, Kenny, how's your first day going?

Tip-top. Waiting for the downside.

How's everything going with you and Finch?

Fantastic.

Elliott, I'm not exaggerating when I say

that he's the single nicest person

in the entire world.

Finch?

He's a superterrific guy.

Hmm. Good.

Hey, Kenny, what do you say we grab a drink after work?

Say, 6:00?

Ooh, can't.

I promised a friend I'd take him out.

Kenny,

do I look fat in these pants?

Absolutely not, sir.

Good. Then bring me the rest of those donuts.

10 minutes to 6:00!

Tick-tock! Tick-tock!

Hi, Finch!

What are you doing down there?

Braiding my computer cables. Want me to do yours?

No.

What's wrong?

Kenny wants to fight me.

Okay, here's what you do.

I heard if you punch a guy in the neck,

he's helpless for 30 seconds.

I don't wanna punch anybody in the neck.

I just wanna find a way out of here.

Okay, plan B. You got a blowtorch?

No.

Okay, plan C.

What dress size are you, six?

Four, thank you.

Perfect. Put this on.

Why?

Because I'll distract him, and you can sneak out.

Oh, good idea.

Okay, let's add a scarf...

Here you go.

Still need more...

some glasses.

Great.

Oh, fabulous!

He'll never recognize you.

Okay, here I go.

Wait a minute.

What am I gonna do tomorrow?

I've got this pant suit that bunches on me,

but I think you could pull it off.

Forget it. I look like Prince.

What are you doing?

I'm going down to the garage to get my ass kicked.

What?

I've been running from guys like Kenny

my whole life.

I'm tired of it.

If I get killed,

tell Courtney in accounting I love her...

and erase all the porn on my computer.

It's me and you, Kenny, right now.

It's go time! Ahem.

Right behind you.

Jack, five minutes of personal time?

Take 10, buddy.

Won't need it.

Hi, Kenny.

Got a minute?

Actually, Nina, I've got a little business

I've got to take care of downstairs.

Can I get back to you in a few?

Kenny, I've been smoke-free for seven hours,

so I need a man right now.

Now, either it's gonna be you,

or Christmas comes early to Jerry the mail boy.

Can we make this fast?

You tell me, minuteman.

What the hell?

A cat, heh...

Huh, testing my reflexes. That's cool.

I'll kill that bastard if he comes down here.

Aah! What's going on?

What are all these cats doing down here?

Okay...

now you.

Now, this may hurt a little at first.

Oh, yeah.

Yep. That hurts.

Good job.

What tipped you off about him?

I asked him what he thought of Finch.

He called him the nicest guy in the world.

Oh, you need help.

Yeah. No one messes with Finch.

Yeah. That's our job.

Can I have my clothes back?

No.

Please?

No!

Nina, I'd still like to pleasure you.

Oh... hi, Dad.

Wow, I really conked out.

Just saw you on the news.

Oh, darn, I slept through it. How was I?

Good... good.

Say, why don't you put your stuff together,

and I'll have my driver take you to somewhere fun.

What are you talking about? Where?

Uh, it's called Hazeltine. You're gonna love it.

The rehab center?

No, no. It's like a spa...

with discipline.

I don't wanna go to any spa.

Sure you do.

Besides, it'll only be for a week.

Maybe six.

Hunh!

Ohh!

What'd you do that for?

Oh, my God, I'm sorry!

Oh, that really hurt!

It did? Oh, like the dickens!

Yeah? Well, don't sneak up on me, dude.

So, what are you doing down here anyway?

I came down to tell you that Kenny left.

Really?

Yeah. You called his bluff,

and I'm sorry I didn't believe you before.

It's cool.

Come on. I'll buy you a drink.

I always knew

I was a little bit of a bad ass.

Aah!

Jack, Kenny said

he needs to see you in the copy room.

What for?

He said he has something important to show you.

I love to see a hard worker.

Well, you'd better hurry.

I'm fired, aren't I?

It's like we have a psychic connection.

♪ Life keeps bringin' me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringin' me home ♪

♪ It don't matter What I'm gonna do ♪

♪ 'Cause it's got A mind of its own ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Life keeps bringin' me Back to you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

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