All language subtitles for Just Shoot Me s02e18 The Kiss.eng

Good morning.

Hey, if you need
a stronger jolt,

you could always
gnaw on the cord.

Sorry, I was out dancing
until 6 this morning.

God, it's windy on top
of the Chrysler building.

I just don't know if I can
keep doing this every night.

Well, you know,

every once in a while
you could stay home.

Uh, no way. No more parties
at my place.

Everybody has a great time,
makes a mess,

but nobody ever wants to stay
and clean up, or untie me.

Maya, do you
believe in fate?

Oh, let me guess-
you met a new woman.

As a matter of fact,
I have.

Let's see...
Early 20s, new boobs?

No, late 60s, new hip.

Okay, you've got my attention.

You know how I've had trouble
finding an apartment.

Yeah.
Well, I'm at breakfast,

looking through
the classifieds,

and this sweet old woman
comes up

and asks if I know
anybody looking for a place.

I'm seeing it
this afternoon.

Great.
Come with me.

I'm an impulse buyer,
and if I see something I want,

I can't control myself.

Oh, come on.
No, it's true.

Like when I rented
my current place...

I flipped over
the faucets,

somehow missing
the fact

that it shares
a common wall

with a
methadone clinic.

So, 6:00...
What do you say?

You don't need me.

You remember that car,
the AMC Pacer?

I'll be there.

Dennis,
I just had

a very unpleasant
experience

down in the garage.

Hey, don't feel bad.

With that soft skin
and those small hands,

I thought
he was a girl too.

That wasn't it, was it?

Someone parked in my space.

What? Why are you driving?
You don't drive.

I mean, hmm...

My accountant says
I need to drive in once a year

for tax purposes.

The one day you drive in

is the one day
someone parks in your spot?

Actually, the attendant says
that same Miata

has been parking in my spot
for the last few months.

It all evens out.

I mean, someone steals
your parking space,

and you get wheeled
through airports

because you have
a trick pelvis.

Dennis, that parking space
is my territory.

And if you don't
defend your territory,

the next thing
you know,

the yoga teacher's
in your bed

wrapped around your wife
like a down comforter.

Where's my letter opener?
I'm gonna stick his tire.

You can't mess
with this guy's car.

He's built
like a linebacker.

How do you know?

Well, stands to reason...
Miata...

Do you know more
than you're saying?

Mm-hmm, so far.

Go on.

Suppose person A
knew of a commodity

that was never used
by its owner, person B.

However, person C
was in need of said commodity

and person A was
able to provide it,

knowing person B would
never be inconvenienced...

hypothetically.

Would person A
be receiving any money

for said commodity...
hypothetically?

Suppose he were.

Then person A should either

terminate his arrangement
immediately

or get his resumé together.

Hmm, hypothetically.

No, I want that guy
out of my space

before you can say,
"Hi, I'm Dennis.

Welcome to Wal-Mart."
Well-

"Clock radios? Aisle five,

right next
to the fishing poles."

Damn it, the landlady's
not even here.

That's
a good thing.

Now you can really
look the place over.

Right. No pressure.
Just take my time.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh! Oh, my God,

a living room!

I'll take it!

Elliott-

No, I gotta
have this place.

No,
look around.

Check out the bedroom.

Maybe there isn't a bedroom.

Actually, there are three
bedrooms and two bathrooms.

Mrs. Pierce,
remember me?

I'm Elliott DiMauro
and this is Maya.

This place
is fantastic.

But you still want to ask
a few questions, right?

Right... what's
the longest lease

I can sign?

Elliott, remember
what we talked about?

No impulsive decisions.
Now, settle.

We don't even know
how much the rent is.

Two hundred dollars
a month.

Done!
I'll write you a check.

Well, actually...

there is another
interested party.

Oh.

But he's single,
and I-

I would like to have
a nice married couple.

Oh, no, see, we're not-

Able to move in till
the first of the month,

isn't that right,
sweetheart...

ángel...

honey... please?

Oh, I see
what's going on here.

You're newlyweds.

Is it that obvious?

So how did you meet?

Um...

We work
at the same magazine.

Really? My husband
published magazines.

Which ones?

Well, he didn't like
to bring his work home.

Let's see,
what were they called?

Um, Mr. Keyhole,

uh, Foot Dreams,
and Backdoor Johnny.

I never read any of them,

but they must
have been very popular,

because Mr. Pierce
left me a bundle when he died.

Oh, you're a widow.
How long has he been gone?

Oh, 30 years.

He got so mad

when the subway
went up to 20 cents,

he jumped
the turnstile,

slipped and fell
on the third rail...

sizzled like a pork chop.

That's terrible.

Oh, well, at least
he didn't die in vain.

Well, if it hadn't been

for people like my husband
taking a stand,

passengers today
might being paying

as much as a quarter.

You don't get
out much, do you?

Well, just to walk my dog.

My tenants
do my shopping for me.

They practically
block the door

if I try to go out
and buy something myself.

I'll bet they do.

Well, let's start
in the kitchen.

Now, it's got one
of those new ovens

that's built
right into the wall.

Have you seen them?

Yeah, at the World's Fair.

Finch, do me a favor

and give this
hundred to Jack.

I borrowed it
from him.

He's probably forgotten
all about it.

No problem.
Where are you going?

Home. I'm staying in tonight
and reading a book.

Ah, I don't want
to ruin the ending,

but, uh, Waldo's in
the upper left corner.

Go ahead, make fun,

but I'm going
to rejuvenate myself.

I bought a scented candle,
some bubble bath,

and I'm swinging by the shelter
to pick up a cat.

Poor little tabby...

moments away
from a humane death.

Here's the ad contracts
and the proofs

for the formalwear shoot.

A- ha!

What?

Don't play
the innocent.

What about my 100 bucks?

I was getting it
out of my pocket.

And how did you know-

Getting it out
or stuffing it in?

Because let me
tell you something, Dennis.

The only thing
that money will buy

is orchestra seats
in hell.

So this
was a test?

You put Nina
up to it?

What choice did I have?

Not putting her up to it?

I'm sorry, Dennis,

but I don't think
I can trust you anymore.

Yes, you can.

The Miata's gone.
Your space is empty.

If you don't believe me,
go down and check.

That won't be necessary.

Thank you.

Oh, wait
a minute!

Where's my stapler?

Empty your pockets, mister.

It's right there.

Where?
Under your hand.

Yeah, but is it full?

You can go.

It was so nice to meet you.

I'll be making my decision soon.

How soon? If it's only a day
or two, we can wait right here.

Elliott, let's give
Mrs. Pierce

a little
breathing room.

I have a good feeling
about you two.

Toodle-loo.

Good night.
I'm very quiet!

Two hundred bucks a month,
can you believe it?

God, it must be worth
10 times that.

Oh, at least.
Ah, thanks for playing along.

I know I put you on the spot
like that. I just panicked.

No, I just hope
I didn't blow it for you.

Oh, no, you were great.
Great.

Okay, what if you get it?

Isn't she gonna think
it's weird

that I'm never around?

Well, I-
you're a reporter.

I'll tell her
you're always on the road.

Oh, do you think I overdid it
with that honeymoon story,

because I was
making it up

off the top
of my head-

Eyes forward, Chutney.

Sorry,
she was just-

No, no,
that was close.

I didn't know
what to do.

I think I'm gonna walk home.
I'll take a cab.

Yeah, good idea.
Taxi!

Dennis, did you
tell everyone

about
the staff meeting?

Well, now, maybe I did
and maybe I didn't.

You know me, I'm shifty.

Good morning.

Fine, thanks.

First order of business,
Maya, Elliott...

How'd you guys make out?

What?
Excuse me?

You know,
for the cover story?

Oh, fine.

Just fine. Great.
Great.

Great.
Fine.

Okay, I get it. Moving on.

Um, Elle MacPherson

is shooting a movie
in Montréal.

Maya, I'd like you to fly up,
do a story.

Great. I love Montréal.

Elliott, I'd like you
to go along

and take the photographs.

Make a weekend out of it.

No.
I can't.

I hate Montréal.

You just said you loved it.

Oh, I thought you said
"Monty Hall."

I can't go back to Canada.
They'll be waiting for me.

Who?

The Canadians.

I thought
I made that clear.

Sorry I'm late.

The hovercraft blew an engine,

and it was daylight before
the Coast Guard picked us up.

The Coast Guard
picked you up?

Hmm, I guess
it's backwards day.

I thought you were
gonna stay home last night.

I did for a good part
of the evening,

but about 7:15, my friend
Binnie came over.

When I opened the door,
the cat ran out,

and when we went
to look for it,

it wasn't at Tavern
on the Green, so we-

What are you talking about?!

I've been trying to sell Nina
on the advantages

of staying home
every once in a while.

Well, I tried.
I really did...

but the walls
started closing in.

So here's the new plan.

Tonight,
Binnie and I are going out,

but we are gonna spend
the entire evening

avoiding alcohol and men.

Oh, that's great.

Okay, I'll
start the pool.

10 bucks a square.

I say legally drunk
and dancing

with Eurotrash
by 8:30.

7:15.

Moving on-
9:20.

Will you
guys stop

and give Nina
a little credit?

10:45.

Hi.
Hi.

I got another photographer
to do that Montréal thing,

so you can go.

Oh, well, I already lined up
another writer,

so you can go.

Oh, well, I also sold my watch
to buy you a comb.

Oh, no, I just sold my hair
to buy you a watch chain.

I'll go first.
Please.

I don't think we should
feel uncomfortable

about last night.

Oh, God,
I would love that.

It was a freak
of nature.

It was an absolute fluke.

It was just because
we were doing

that pretend marriage thing,

and I don't think we're gonna be
doing that anymore.

Me either...

after tonight.

What?

Mrs. Pierce just called

and tonight's
her weekly tenant party.

She wants us to drop by...
see if we fit in.

The tenants go
to a weekly party?

For the rent she charges,

I'd give her
a weekly sponge bath.

I know it's weird

with you kissing me
and everything,

but I just need you to do this
one last time.

I don't know.
I kind of had plans.

We'll just stay a half-hour,
tops.

All right, sure.

Thanks.
Um, but for the record,

I didn't kiss you.
You kissed me.

Right.
We need to be there at 7:00.

Okay.

And no big deal,
but when you say I kissed you,

you mean the first kiss.

The second time,
you kissed me.

So I guess we're even.

No need to dress up.

Oh, we're not even.
I never kissed you.

Maya, with all due respect,

I know a little something
about women,

and I know
when I'm being kissed.

And yet, you have no idea
when you're being tossed out.

What?
We just got a divorce. Get out.

No, but you
don't understand.

She's refinishing
the floors.

Out!

Maya, for God's sake,
the den has crown moldings.

Maya Gallo.

With a butler's pantry, Maya.

I'm begging you.

Uh-oh.

Oops, I seem to
have dropped my pencil.

I better bend over
and pick it up.

Nina, please,
I'm begging you.

The party's
in 15 minutes.

Oh, don't be absurd.

Your landlady is not going
to think I'm Maya.

Sure, she will.
She's completely out of it.

You come in,

you spout off all you know
about literature,

museums, politics...

or maybe you have laryngitis.

I'd like to help you,
but I can't.

In honor
of our no liquor, no men policy,

Binnie and I
are going to folk night

at a lesbian coffee house.

For God's sakes, you
can do that tomorrow.

Every night
is folk night

at a lesbian
coffee house.

I'll get it, Mrs. Pierce.

Hi. Elliott DiMauro.

Adam Kessler, 5-B.

Look, DiMauro.

You may have picked up

that this
is a very special building.

It's quiet, it's discreet-

It's 1962.

Look who's here!

Oh, Mr. DiMauro,

I'm so glad
you could come.

Where's
Mrs. DiMauro?

Oh, at the last minute,

she had to fly to California
on business.

Oh, darn it! I wanted her
to meet all the tenants.

Oh, and she wanted
to meet them.

She was practically in tears
when the plane took off.

Hi, honey.
Maya!

Mrs. DiMauro-

I thought you were
in California.

No.

Because that's where
I told her you were.

Yes, but we couldn't
take off

because something was wrong
with the...

Propeller?

Yes!
Yes!

Let's get you
some punch.

Such a treasure.

Oh, she's the only girl for me.

Hi, honey.
Nina! What?

What happened
to folk night?

Oh, please.

If I want to listen
to a bitter woman

complain about
farm foreclosures,

I'll call my mother.

So I'm all yours.

No. No, you have
to get out right now-

Oh, a new arrival.

Mrs. Pierce.

Mrs. Pierce.

Who are you?

Uh, Mrs. DiMauro.

But I- I thought
you were Mrs. DiMauro.

She is...
this is my wife...

and this is
my mother.

What?!

I mean, we'd never move anywhere
without Mom's approval,

right, dear?

Oh, right. So, what do you
think, Mother DiMauro?

Oh...

You can probably guess
what I'm thinking.

Well, that settles it.
The apartment is yours.

Any young man
who has so much respect

for his mother

is the kind of tenant
I'm looking for.

Fabulous.

Well,
I guess I owe you one, Mom.

Oh, funny
you should mention it.

I don't have a cent
for the cab ride home.

Oh...

Happy to do it.

It's a longer
ride than that.

No, no, no,

I'm going all the way
to the country house...

in Connecticut.

Well, I thought
you and Dad sold that place

years ago.

No, no, we decided
to keep it

so you'd always have
a place to go,

in case you
lost your apartment.

Fine, fine,
take my wallet.

Oh, Dr. Kessler...

uh, this is
Mr. DiMauro's wife

and his mother.

Call me Nina.

So is there
a missus Dr. Kessler?

No.

Oh, no, he lives
with his father.

You should meet him.
He's a wonderful dancer.

Oh, sure... Dad?

Jack, I'm going home.

Dennis,
come on back here!

Okay, maybe
I overreacted.

Maybe?

Dennis, our relationship
is like a marriage.

In fact,
it's more than a marriage,

because it's based on trust.

Look, I know
I shouldn't have rented out

your parking spot,

but that was one
indiscretion

in eight years
of loyal service.

I said I was sorry.

What more do you want from me?

All right,
you made your point.

Let's just forget
the whole thing ever happened.

All right,
I will if you will.

Done.

Let's get
out of here.

So, uh, what are you
doing this weekend?

I don't know,
hit a movie.

What about you?

Oh, I'm talking Allie
and Hannah

to our beach house
in the Hamptons.

What? What are you
doing that for?

You never go there
before July.

I mean, hmm...

Oh, God,
I can't remember

the last time
I limboed.

I can't remember
the last time

someone
referred to it

as that
"crazy new dance."

The important thing is
you got the apartment.

Oh, yeah,
thanks again.

I'm glad you
changed your mind.

Well, I knew how much
it meant to you.

And listen, you know,

if you're ever
in a bind

and you need me
to pretend

we're married again,
I'm happy to help.

Oh, Mrs. Pierce,

we didn't hear you.

Oh, it's these moccasins.

Dr. Kessler and his father
brought them back

from an artist's colony
in Sedona.

Did you hear us talking?

Every word.

Well, then, I- I guess
I owe you an explanation.

It's pretty complicated.

Well, you wanted the apartment,
so you pretended to be married.

Okay, it's pretty simple.

Well, to tell you the truth,

we all do a good deal
of pretending around here.

You do?

Oh, sure.

The tenants play their games,
and I play mine.

So you know-

That I could get a lot more
for my apartments?

Of course.

But I don't need the money.

I need kindred spirits.

I need party guests.

Do you need me?

Yes, Mr. DiMauro,
I think I do.

Although, I look forward

to both of you moving in
someday.

Oh, no, see,

Elliott and I
are not a couple.

Yeah, we're not
romantically involved-

At all.

Well, maybe not yet...

but you will be.

Come along,
Chutney.

What was
that about?

Oh, nothing.
She's out of her mind.

She's crazy
as a loon.

Think I'm gonna walk home.
I'll take a cab.

Yeah, good idea.
Taxi!

♪ Life keeps bringing me
Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter what
I'm gonna do ♪

♪ 'Cause
It's got a mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me
Back to you ♪♪

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